The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Andy has a thirst-quenching recommendation

Episode Date: April 6, 2022

Done with the celeb drama? Then check out The Juice with Solomon Georgio, the latest podcast from Team Coco! Join Solomon each week as he sources only the finest gossip involving everyday folks—the kinds of low-stakes stories that liven up our DMs and group texts! Don’t miss hilarious guests such as Conan, Ira Madison III, Atsuko Okatsuka, and even Andy himself! Just listen to this appetizer featuring Nicole Byer, then head on over to The Juice and subscribe!

Hey there, it's your pal Andy Richter. Look, we're all going through a lot right now. There's some hard stuff out there. But what if I told you that there was a time-tested, empirically proven way of dealing with stress? And no, I'm not talking about exercise or a breathing app. I'm talking about good, old-fashioned gossip. Now hear me out. I don't mean tabloids and celebrity drama. Think smaller, as in small town scandals, feuding neighbors, creepy co-workers, you know, that kind of stuff that makes our days a little lighter and our group texts a little more spicy. If you like the sound of that, then you'll love this brand new podcast from Team Coco.

It's called The Juice with Solomon Giorgio. Solomon is funny. He's a fantastic comedian and writer who loves nothing more than low stakes, everyday gossip. And that's what this show is all about. Each week on The Juicy Source is only the best gossip from fellow comedians, performers, and listeners like you. I mean, his fans send him some really wild stories. Here he is talking with his very first guest, Nicole Byer, about some of the mail he gets. Check this out. So people from all over the internet send me their stories and the hottest of the goss.

Okay. I'm going to read a couple of them that I found very interesting. I would love to hear your thoughts on them. Oh, I love it. So here's a few delicate pieces of gossip I got. So when I worked in a movie theater, my manager and her roommate hated each other. She was sick and her roommate opened all the windows and screamed at her about smelling like disease and

needing a shower. To retaliate, my manager took the flavor crumbles left over at the end of a bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos and sprinkled them in her underwear drawer. Oh, no. Her pussy was probably itching so bad.

And she was like, am I sick? There's orange in me. What am I sick? It's like the drawer. That's like that's multiple underwear. Yes. That's what I mean. She probably thought she was sick

because every day it was more itching. That's wild. That's, ooh, wait. Dubious, dubious. I feel like a hot Cheeto can cause a yeast infection over time. I think any food can. Like, I don't think you're supposed to have any sort of food up in you. No, I don't think it's a recommendation. I've not had any food in me that don't think you're supposed to have any sort of food up in you

no I don't think it's a recommendation I've not had any food in me that I'm aware of I've also never had food in me and I'm waiting for like that chubby chaser

I haven't been with like a chubby chubby chaser just been with dudes who are like I like it but I'm like looking for someone who's like oh

oh let me put some Velveeta opinion and let it melt out into my mouth. I'd be like, okay. I'll just have, I'll make the appointment to the gynecologist for two days after. You want a full freak.

I do. I do. I would love it. I think I've only had a full freak once and it was a good time. I wouldn't do any of that stuff again. Oh, wow. What kind of stuff?

Well, I fisted somebody once. Ooh, okay. And I was almost… I was like… He gave me… Like duck bill or like duck bill into fist? Yeah, it was always a duck bill for the butt. But he gave me cow milking gloves.

Like they went up past my elbow. I'm like, where are we going, sir? Where are we going? Where are we going? I don't want to go there. But like I went, I got there. I got eight inches in. Wow.

Like a little after my wrist. What does it feel like? It's the weirdest feeling because it's, like a little after my wrist. What does it feel like? It's the weirdest feeling because it's almost like a vacuum. Like you're just like, it's just like, it's like it takes it in and then you can pull it out.

But it's like, it's like putting anything, like it's just the tightest. He like, that's, he's like, he's loose until he has a fist and then that's when he has

his muscle control back. So it's like, it's like he was doing some of the work too. Oh, wow. That's hot, it's like he was doing some of the work too. Oh, wow. That's hot. It's a power bottom.

I just, I don't think my butt is ready for that. Like, we could dance around the butt, you know, a little,

a little penetration, but like, a full dick, it's a lot of prep. At least for me. Look, I've had, I've had to remove internal hemorrhoids.

Nothing's going in there. Nothing is going in there. Nothing will ever go in there. Fair. To have my flawless face, I had to have a flawed butthole. Fair. You can't have it all.

I can't. You cannot have it all. And I'm okay with that. So this next piece of gossip is also a fun one. So when I worked at Neiman Marcus, oh, we're naming the place. An employee had an affair

with her regular customer's husband and convinced him to buy insanely expensive gifts for the wife he was cheating on so she could make her salary. L-O-L. She's iconic. That is an icon.

That is a living legend. I love this woman. She's iconic. That is an icon. That is a living legend. I love this woman. Dancing diva. I fucking love that. Because, you know, you're a little scummy if you're fucking somebody else's dude. But go full scummy and get your fucking bills paid too. I love it. And the wife is getting expensive gifts.

Like if I was in the situation, if I'm being cheated on, but the person is getting expensive gifts. Uh if I was in the situation, if I'm being cheated on, but the person is getting, I'm getting expensive gifts. Uh-huh. I'm going to stay. I'm going to stick around for them gifts. But the wife. I'll take the gifts.

The wife did eventually find out and just tried to sue Neiman's. And that's like, oh. Well. She got gifts and then was like, I'm suing? Ma'am, you're too greedy. That's too greedy.

That's too greedy. Take your gifts. I also love that she was like, I'm not mad at the man. I'm mad at the corporation. Okay, cool. I feel like she literally got cheated on. I was like,

I want to speak to the manager. That is so fucking funny. I would like to speak to... You cheated on me? I would like to speak to the manager. And he's like, oh, well, she's at Neiman Marcus? That's funny. Oh, my God. What a treat.

Oh, my goodness gracious. I'm so happy that people are submitting this. Those are fucking fabulous. I will think about that for a very long time. That's great. I want that life. I want that ability. I want that ability. I want... No one...

Every time I cheat... Like, every time somebody cheats on me with somebody else, it's always terrible. The dick wasn't good enough. It wasn't worth it. I don't think I've ever been cheated on. I've never been cheated on, personally. And I've never cheated on anyone.

I'm like... I can barely date two people at the same time. Because I'm like, I start feeling a little guilty I didn't well it's technically cheating because I made out with a different person but that was the most I've ever done I've never had sexual relations outside of a relationship

I also tell everybody my business I would come home from cheating and be like I fucked somebody can you believe it they'd be like what oh no oops home from cheating and be like, I fucked somebody. Can you believe it? They'd be like, what? Oh, no. Oops. Yeah, because I did that and I was like, I should break up with him because that's the right thing to do.

But then he took too long to get back to me and I had to go to a Kesha concert. And I was like, I have to break up to you before the Kesha concert. So I just texted him to break up. You texted him? Oh, I'm a monster. Solomon, that is devastating. Oh, yes.

You texted someone to break up, but you were like, let's break up. No, it was like a three-page breakup that I sent via text. Okay. First of all, he should have answered his phone. I was trying to break up with him all day. I guess so. My God. If anyone breaks up with me via text message, I'm walking into the ocean.

I want that life. I want to get divorced via text message. I am sick and tired of having long conversations about why things aren't working. I want to just be like, hey, I'm done. Goodbye. And I'd be like, oh, thank God.

I just kind of date people till they're done with me. So they're like, ew, I don't want this anymore. And I go, uh, I know. You were very mean to me the last date we went on. That's just a little taste of what you'll hear on The Juice.

Join Solomon each week as he talks to amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, you know him, Ira Madison III, Otsuko Okotsuka, and Andy Richter. I love that guy. So what are you waiting for? Head over to The Juice to listen to the rest of Solomon's episode with Nicole Byer. It's so damn funny, and I promise you'll have a good time. And while you're there, subscribe, leave a great review. And that's The Juice with Solomon Giorgio. Check it out.

New episodes are out every week. Thank you for listening and talk to you soon. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.