The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Ben Schwartz (Re-Release)

Episode Date: February 7, 2023

(Re-released from January 2022) Ben Schwartz (Sonic the Hedgehog, Parks and Recreation) joins Andy Richter to talk about getting started in comedy, freelance joke writing for Letterman and Weekend Update, having a strong work ethic and more.

Hi everyone, this is another episode of the three questions with Andy Richter. I continue to be Andy Richter and I am speaking to a very funny, very talented, A very funny, very talented, multitasking force of entertainment. Ben Schwartz. Hi. Hi, Andy. How are you? I'm good. I'm good.

You're very busy these days. You have like a ton of shit coming up. Usually I talk to people and it's like, I guess, you know, like maybe see me do stand-up or something. But you've got like real projects to push. I mean, maybe you can maybe see me do improv. I or something but you've got like real projects to push i mean maybe you can maybe see me do improv i can still play that angle as well you can maybe see me do improv and stuff at largo when it opens back up or something like that uh yeah it's been a very uh i have it's very crazy in that there's a stretch where not a lot happens and then all of a sudden i have like three big things in three months right after another. I almost wish I could have spanned them out

a little bit wider so it felt like, but now it's like, you know, it's all happening while one's going on, the other one's premiering and then something else is happening. So it's, I feel very lucky and also like, oh man, are people gonna be so annoyed? Just gonna be like doing podcasts. I'm gonna be like talking like this

and people are gonna be like, oh, we get it. He's Jewish. Yeah. Yeah, no uh it is nice though because the promoting of it is then kind of isolated and not spread out i could kind of do it all in like a month and a half or two months yeah yeah it's very exciting because people i mean it's you know like talking to you on a podcast is fun but there's a lot of promoting things and it's not anything that we ever said. Like nobody goes like, man, I can't wait to promote stuff. You know, when they're a kid, it's the part, it's drudgery.

It's talk shows for me because I was a page at Letterman. So talk shows for me are a big deal still. And I love them very much. That's why I'm very, I know about your career and i've been following you for a very long time and so um and then uh so like talk shows are really fun but it's they do these things called um i mean they're just press days but it's 12 hours and now it's done in front of your computer yeah and i have two coming up where it's a domestic day and international day 12 hours of people asking you almost the same exact question and then because there's three

projects it'll be that. And then three weeks later, another, you know, each day is about another eight to 12 hour day of stuff, which is fine. I like talking to human beings. That's the thing that a lot of my friends hate press, but for me, it's like, I get to talk to people and I like human beings and stuff like that. And I try to make them different,

which I feel like is something that you did when you're on Kona and stuff like that. Whenever I'm doing an interview like that, I try to make them different, which I feel like is something that you did when you're on Kona, stuff like that. Whenever I'm doing an interview like that, I try to make it different so nothing, so like I'm having fun and it's weird. Yeah. Because who cares? After a while, who cares? Right.

Unless it's unique and different. Right. And also, I mean, I don't know how you feel, but when I, I mean, I haven't done like a junket junket, you know, like, like I haven't, I have, I think the most during these COVID times that I've had to be on zoom was like four or five hours. And that was awful. Like it was, I felt at the end of it, just weird and disconnected. And I have, you know, I have friends that are writing on shows and they're on these, this fucking thing, 10 hours a day now, five days a week. I asked a question because I remember I did press for a long time one day and

I felt so tired. I felt like, and then I looked it up and they said, there's this thing and tell me if you believe it or not. I think it makes sense is that our brains, while we're talking to people on Zoom, also look at ourselves to make sure that we look okay. And so our brains are working so much harder than a normal conversation or normal interview because we're always looking at ourselves. And so you exhaust yourself. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's exactly right.

Like I'll look at myself, I'm talking to you and then every now and look at myself and be like, oh, fuck, and go like that. You know what I mean? I feel like that's a part of the whole thing. I actually have your screen turned off. It's just, I have me full screen all the time. And there's a mirror in front of your fucking computer so it's just you constantly look at yourself i can't get enough of me i am so fuck no actually i'm the opposite it's like i'm the

same as you like i see myself i'm like oh my god yes how how have i gotten this far in life looking like that how does anyone look at that fucking pudding bucket of a head and go, yeah, I'll pay money for that? I rarely look in the mirror. First of all, when I'm in the morning, when I get changed, I'll look in the mirror before I leave. But I mean, I will rarely look in the mirror. But I used to say that it's like when I looked in the mirror, I'm never like, oh, man, you're

nailing it. It's always like, I guess it's this today you know what i mean it's because i'm not impressed by what i i i look like a muppet to me so it's like um um and then every now and then like there'll be something happening where in a movie or something they put me in like really cool clothes and they spend a bunch of time in hair and makeup and i'm like oh my god yeah i could look like five percent better right right i know it's also crazy because like there's also two you know like i look back at you know i've spent my whole life being like oh my god i need to lose weight oh jesus christ drop a few pounds will you and i'll see i'll see like pictures of myself from 10 15 years ago and i'll be like, I look pretty goddamn good, like relatively. And I know that at that time, when that picture was taken, that I'm now going like, hey, you look pretty good.

I was going, I look like shit. I am garbage. I am a turd on legs. You know, just like you never, and you know, it's like you get i feel like i wish i'd learned this lesson like before i was so old you know like like to just be like no you look fine you know like we could talk about this it's hard to learn that i i think we can talk about this for a bit but there's people that are my parents age that i since i've known them growing up like that that uh age demographic my parents are probably 75 right now.

And so around that. So that I was like, every day you see them worrying about their weight since I've been a little kid and going to my friend's houses and then dieting and da, da, da. And you're just like, and they torment themselves.

And me watching that makes me torment myself a little bit too. And I'm like, I don't like the way I look. You know what I mean? But it's funny just to think that for 40 years, every day they were like, fuck,

I hate this diet. I hate what I'm doing. It's a very interesting, it's a very interesting thing to chat about, I think, but yeah, no, it's, it's,

and I mean, was there ever any pressure while you said there was a time when you're like, yeah, I felt like I had to get a little, was there ever pressure from an NBC said there was a time when you're like, yeah, I felt like I had to get a little. Was there ever pressure from an NBC or anything like that to do something today? Is that a thing? Because I remember back in the day, people would talk about that all the time. No, there was when I got the when I started working on the Conan show in 1993.

I was engaged. My ex-wife and I were engaged at that point and she moved out pretty shortly after I moved to New York City but I got there I think in like the end of May beginning of June of 1993 and we didn't go on the air until September. So there was like these months of just production and not, you know, trying to get this show together. And then even once we were on the air, we were on five days a week, 47 weeks a year. It was just constant. And the only break from your day, I mean, these are 14, 15 hour days. And, you know, in addition to me being on the show, which was just like a new. So you're nervous and you're working your ass off. It's like a little extra thing and have no idea what we're

doing. And I mean, like Conan had written for SNL and, and Robert Smigel had written for SNL and Dino Stamatopoulos was one of the first writers and he had written for Ben Stiller. But other than that, I don't think anybody had written for television, really, you know, like in any real way. It's the best. I love it. You just, you know, you had to make it up. You had to just kind of figure it out. But our only break was getting fancy dinners delivered in.

And within like the first six months of working on the Conan show, I gained like 30 pounds. Oh, wow. Because I was doing nothing but like eating chicken parm you know and and and you have this day of like stress and and worry and everything and then it's like oh dinner time you're not gonna like order the fucking steamed you know chicken breast it's like and there and there were guys on this on the staff too they would order like two and three entrees. Of course. Because it was that going from having absolutely no money to having like NBC's paying for it. So yeah, I'll take two lobsters, you know. There's a, there's a beat when, when I first started doing TV and movies where there's catering.

And when you're growing, you know, like, first of all, you're right. When I was, I lived in New York. I mean, I grew up in the Bronx and I lived in New York for the majority of my life before I moved here. And so, um, didn't have any money when I was living in Manhattan. And, um, so I ate like, you know, you learn exactly how much it costs to get pizza. And then you learn the toppings, the not pepperoni, but you can learn like the free cheese and the free pepper, all the free stuff.

And then you learn in Wendy's, the meal that was right next to me would cost $5. Yeah. And then, um, I started doing TV movies and there's catering and there's a chicken option a beef option and uh and so uh you kind of look around you're like and you could just have whatever you want yeah like yeah so you would i would just eat fucking everything yeah and then it would be time to film and i'd be so tired and full groggy but like it's incredible the idea of like take whatever you want blew my mind it still kind of does yeah yeah when i i the movie cabin boy uh when i was a letterman one of my first yeah one of my first jobs uh like serious jobs when i was working on

that i used to bring stuff from craft service, like just for the weekend. So I'd have food on the weekend. So I wouldn't have to pay for food because I was still in that mindset. Like, can I take this half loaf of bread and turkey slices? You know, I'll have turkey sandwiches, three of the, you know, like five meals I have this weekend. So, but anyway, yeah. Going back to the Conan show, I did, I put on a bunch of weight and the executive producer actually basically just gave a speed uh that was you know which i actually didn't like i didn't like the way it made me feel but my wife my ex-wife was

really into the speed portion of the diet so uh um so yeah i and i i ended up losing weight then and you know i actually got down to like the lowest i've been since i was probably 14 years old wow yeah jesus then but i mean i'm a large person that was like the most weight i could i got down to 222 pounds and that was the absolute i had a 34 inch waist oh my god i haven't had a 34 inch waist like i say i didn't have a 34 inch waist since i was like 12 did you feel different at all yeah i felt no i felt like skinny and kind of great i mean i still felt like you know i was it's when you're 222 pounds and you can't buy a shirt because it won't close around your neck and you can't buy a hat because you're size eight plus in half, you know, I just am large.

And so it's like, I never feel like, Oh, look at me, you know, the waif. I certainly do have this heroin sheet going. It's like,

no, I mean, I could be, you know, I could get out of like some sort of Abu grave and still be kind of, Oh, it's a chunky fellow there, you know?

So I, yeah, just, I mean, I've accepted it over the years. I'm still, I still, like you said, I don't like looking at myself and I don't like hearing myself, which people are always amazed by, like, why do you do this for a living? If you don't like looking at yourself or hearing yourself, it's like, well, you know, I mean, I'm good at it. So whatever, might as well. Do you have any idea what you would have done if you didn't do this?

And also, by the way, if Conan didn't pick you up, what do you think your career path would have been then? Would it have been just doing more movies, doing more television? What do you think? Yeah, it probably would have been. I would have stayed in LA, and I would have auditioned for things, and I would have worked somewhere. Absolutely, you would have.

And if I didn't get in the show business, like if I had been like scared of it, I'd probably be in, I'd probably be in Chicago working in advertising. worked on tv commercials and i just probably would have eventually not you know being a pa you know and being doing props and doing ad work and video assist and stuff just whatever job they give you but i was around a lot of ad agency people who were like you're funny like you know like i did a gig uh industrial gig about it was like for some company it was a holding company and we went around filming all their different um their different properties which was like sax fifth avenue a paper mill a series of hospitals like just a fucking weird gig of going around with this little crew and it was an ad agency from columbus ohio that was running it and i you know in part of

your when you're working on with a little group like that you're you're having dinner with them and having drinks with them yeah you know pouring the booze down because that is like a big feature of advertising is just drink drink drink and um yeah ohvertising. I've directed commercials since too. Like in, in, in it's, they are, I was directing commercial and I had to be on set at 6.00 AM and the ad people were mad at me because I went to bed at 11 and didn't stay up drinking with them. That's so funny. I was like, yeah, I'm directing. Don't you want me to be fresh? You know? but yeah this guy he said like come to columbus and i'll i'll you can you can you know i'll give you a job writing ad copy for me and i was tempted but

then i was just like no i don't know were you doing improv olympic or no i did improv olympic uh and annoyance oh very cool yeah and then we broke off and had our own group too now you're you you have you're you started in the you grew up in the bronx right or i mean you were born in the bronx yes i was born in albert einstein hospital and then i grew up in the north bronx so you're totally right my parents are from the south bronx my parents are from like 176 and grand ave and then we moved up to riverdale which is the north bronx and what i mean i'm the bronx to me is kind of is a mystery i don't know but like are they from like a rougher part of the bronx and what i mean i'm the bronx to me is kind of is a mystery i don't know but like are

they from like a rougher part of the bronx that moved to a nicer part of the bronx that's exactly correct they were from a rougher part of the bronx my parent my mom especially has a thick jewish bronx accent which is adorable and uh and you know like her r's are funny sounding and she uh and if you get her in the right sentence you make her you have to she has to repeat it but she's like they're both uh they're both very proud i've noticed that people from uh the bronx are like very proud so i'm very proud to be from north bronx my production company is named after the street my dad grew up on you know and stuff like that so it's um we grew up in the north bronx which became a little bit more jewish at the time and then um after i went to elementary school there,

then we moved to Westchester. Do you know where that is? It's like a little bit above the Bronx. Yeah, yeah. I lived in Edgemont in Westchester, which is near Yonkers and Scarsdale. And then I moved, then I went to college in upstate New York.

So every part of my life was in New York. I was kind of afraid to leave it. I went to a place called Union College where I graduated with a psych anthro degree. Then I moved to Manhattan to do comedy. And then in 2009, I moved to LA. Oh, wow. Yeah. So it was always every aspect of my youth was New York, different parts. And then came here in 2009, which is crazy to me to think that I've been here for longer than I was like living in

Manhattan to do comedy. And you know, it's baffling to me because it feels like still feels like New York is home, even though that this is, I, this is truly where I've been for far longer. Right. I had the same thing for years. Um, after moving out here,

we moved out here in 2001 and I was probably from Michigan. No, I came out, I was in New York for, Oh, I mean, I mean from Conan, from Conan ending, I mean leaving not conan ending but conan ending for me in 2000 we moved out here in 2001 and i started

that was like the last that's when i moved out here and i've lived here since and it took about five years of going back to new york city you know, going from the airport to a hotel and hitting Manhattan and feeling like, oh, I'm home finally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It took five. And then, you know, and then after a while, it's like, look, you got it. I fucking live in L.A. I got to admit to myself that I live in Los Angeles.

And I still kind of have that. I still want to go back to New York. Although it's, you know, it is weird for shit to change so much that it's just. I agree. It's really strange there just how quickly so much changes, you know. I totally agree. And it's funny. I used to say that it's like, you know, this is a nerdy reference, but Superman, the way

he gets more power is by going to the sun and it like charges him up a little bit. So I was like, for me, like going there is like charging me up. And then after a while I spent, and then like I had to shoot like during a winter in New York and I was like, oh man, fucking what is this shit? I forgot how cold it is here. And so like, and so we would do that. And then all of a sudden I'm like, you know what? I love New York. I love visiting my family. But I was like like i don't know uh now that i'm in la and you get way more space it's harder to think about living i mean my apartment in manhattan was it was a studio apartment it wasn't even a one bedroom my couch touched my bed my bed touched my chair where my desk was i had like a small television that had like you know a freaking

uh vhs thing and like a small there's no or anything my kitchen was you could touch every part of my kitchen and then you know go into the bathroom which is so i never experienced there's also a funny thing um where it's like now i've been very fortunate and had some success and sometimes my friends like oh you're from new york i'm going there where should i eat i was like i have no idea i didn't have money i had no money when i lived there i can't tell you in a million years where to eat. And even if you had money, it wouldn't be this.

Everything is changed. You know, it is totally different. Even UCB doesn't exist in New York. It's not there. Even the one in Chelsea, the one that like I grew up in and, and watched Amy perform every week.

And so it's like, it's crazy to me to go back and it's just a little bit different. Yeah. But is there no UCB on the Lower East Side either? No, that's gone also. I think all the ones in New York are gone. The only one left is the one on Franklin in Los Angeles. And I'm not quite certain what's going to happen with those guys.

Yeah. I perform at Largo now, so I'm not as involved with UCB. But I know that I think that's the last one uh left yeah i mean covid really kind of it destroyed it yeah they got so big and then and you know and i mean i don't even know what to think about all the kind of people aren't getting paid to do shows i mean i you know i don't even know what to say about that because I came up in a system where I didn't get paid to do shows, and I just kind of, you just kind of accepted it. And it was like, there's not that much money to go around and nobody's getting rich. So it's not like,

you know, so I mean- It's a different thing. And also I'll say with Largo where I perform now, they pay the performers. So I get paid, let's say I do And also I'll say with Largo where I perform now, they pay the performers. So I get paid, let's say I do Ben Schwartz and Friends. So they'll pay me. So now I have the ability to pay everybody that I come and improvise. So like, it's a very exciting feeling that I get to hand checks out

after every single show to these people. Because for 15 years of my life, and you know, probably like, you know, 12 of them doing sold out shows, never got a dollar, but never thought about it. Right. Because it was like the way for me to get my voice and be around all these creative people. And hopefully one day I'll get a commercial or a commercial agent from it. You know what I mean?

But it has to be some of the most fun. I don't know if you think about it the same, but it's like the beginning part where I was hustling and nobody cared about us and we were trying so hard. I was doing the garbage at UCB for free classes. I remember we used to beg the manager, Chuck D, who unfortunately passed away, but he was the best. We would say, hey, when we're done with the garbage, can me and my friends just jump on stage? Nobody's there, right? Just jump on stage and do improv on the same stage that Amy was on and Matt was on. And it would be such a big deal to us. So just being in that world was amazing. But I understand the argument people are making. But the place that you came from, those people came and made our place.

So exactly what your points of view are, are the ones that the creators of our place. Yeah. And it is like, it always was sort of like, I mean, you know, like I started with Improv Olympic and there's a woman named Sharna Halpern that, you know, she took care of Del Close, who was the, you know, basically the inventor of long form improv. At least, you know, the person that stayed doing it, you know, his whole life. And she took care of him as like, you know, like some kind of national treasure, you know. some kind of national treasure, you know? And I always kind of look at it and she, you know, and she made her living off of doing improv Olympic and, you know,

have kids play for classes. But I always kind of felt like, look, I don't want to be Dell zookeeper. Like, I don't want to worry about where our next show is going to be. I don't want to, you know, it's, there's always going to be a money side to show business. There's going to be a money side and there's going to be i don't want to you know it's there's always going to be a money side to show business there's going to be a money side and there's going to be a creative side yeah and it's kind of like i don't i don't know i just can't like yeah everyone should get paid but also kind of like yeah but you know if you're doing a fucking improv show you know you're not

you know you're not a headliner. You're doing an improv show. Right, right, right. And the tickets are five bucks at UCB. And the tickets are five bucks, and it's very loose, and it's not about money. I mean, it just isn't. Yeah, I get it. Somebody's getting that five bucks.

Okay, whatever. But the idea is that, you know is this is where you're sort of putting in time and money will come later like you like you said i think that was the that was like the pitch for ucb and especially for when we were there for me and my friends it was like yeah this is this is where we kind of like work our asses off to hopefully one day because how impossible i mean the internet youtube was barely alive and yeah how do you get anybody to care about you how to get anybody to look at you yeah um so yeah there's also something funny that someone said once uh it was an older improviser at the time and he's like i don't know

how long i can do this like how long do you want to watch someone pretend to be a pirate farting on the moon yes until it's like if i'm 70 and doing it does anybody want to see that and i was like oh shit i i never thought if there's like a an end point yeah um because all the people i look up to are you know probably uh 15 20 years older than me and they're still hilarious so it's like i wonder if there is right now i'm i'm touring with a group called ben schwartz just me and a bunch of my friends ben schwartz and friends and we're gonna play venues hopefully pretty soon and it's like we play largo but and i was like is this all improv or is it stand-up and improv all of it is improv so i

get a suggestion at the top and um uh i talked i talked to the audience at the top and then we just make up a whole show no breaks all the way through for an hour yeah and um super fun like it's it's great but it's like just like free form long form form improv, or is there sort of like a game built in where you're trying to wrap things up? No game, it's totally, it's like a montage or like there's a couple of different groups I've done it with. There's a group called Shitty Jobs at UCB

and then I had a two-person show with Thomas Middleditch called Middleditch and Schwartz, which we played Carnegie Hall. And now this has been Schwartz and Friends where it's basically anything can happen. I love the idea that the show is open enough where anything can happen. Zero things are planned. But we're going to have hopefully an hour long show that shows you, you know, that makes you laugh and has connective tissue throughout.

And I've learned that when I've toured in the past that it's like the first time 70% of these people in the audience have ever even heard of improv. Yeah. So if we go to, you know,oston or new york maybe some people know but then we're in wisconsin now we're in denver and like less and less people know about it and it's just trying to sell what we do first and just to get people excited about it is very exciting for me because you're right even in touring there's not you're not doing it for the money i'm not going to make a ton of money touring i'm not right you know i'm not seinfeld so it's more for like play these cool venues i always loved looking

at and then um just hang out with your friends get that's literally what it is it's so fun yeah it's still so fun to do can't you tell my loves are growing you know i went into improv i did not go into stand-up because I don't like try. I mean, I've tried. I tried after I was already on TV just because it seemed like. And I mean, and I'm not putting it, you know, I could do it again. And I kind of, you know, like I was actually before Largo shut down for the fourth time or whatever it's been. before Largo shut down for the fourth time or whatever it's been, I was doing a show that was kind of under the wings of the Team Coco show that they were doing where I would sort of –

it was basically a showcase, and I would open up the showcase, and then it was just comics. We only did it a couple times. Comics would come out, and then I would interview them immediately after their set. Oh, a great fun about things that are in there like if they talk about their mother it's like okay let's talk about your mother more you know sort of like and i i called it the follow-up so i had to do you know the hardest thing for me was i love that idea i think that's a great idea oh thank you yeah. And the hardest thing was coming up with those 10, 15 minutes that I had to do at the top.

Because I just. It's. And, you know, the problem with stand-up is, like, I don't want to go on stage and eat it. I don't want to go on stage and bomb. I don't want. I mean, I'm old. And I've been doing this for a long time. And I'm used to doing fine.

You know, I'm used to doing well. And not. And doing well and not and doing well not even preparing so it's like when you prepare something and it's kind of you're sitting there in front of silence it's like oh fuck i should have just fucked around and made shit up yeah um but that's it's it's something i can do but it's not something that i like i'm not it's way more i want to get that over with and then get to where I'm talking to the funny person. Yes. You like the interview part at the end.

I like to talk into the funny person. I like the spontaneous part. I like the part where it's a surprise. Well, do you like this then? Are you really in love with the podcast idea and you're doing this podcast? Does it hit something in your brain that you really, not me in particular, I'm talking about your show. No, it's, it's, it's fun.

It's like, it's a lot. It's like I've done over i mean i'm getting to be like and then like 110 of wow yeah so that's it's a lot of interviewing and it's not i mean i i absolutely enjoy it while i'm doing it but then when it's like wait who we got what there's how many more do we have to do yeah um but no i like it i do like it and i like and like i say there's discovery and it's really good when you know the idea that this show i did want kind of it to be about introspection and people kind of thinking like oh yeah my dad was that way so i guess i kind of in that way too you know those kind of connections to make but it's also

mostly you know it's it's supposed to be funny and enjoyable and yeah keep people keep people entertained at their desk for improv and for most of the stuff i do it's like hey if it's if it's still fun i'm gonna do it as long as people i'm not annoying people if i still have get illicit joy from you know acting or improv or voiceover work i'm gonna keep doing it until people tell me that they don't want me to do anymore so it's like i love improv it makes me happy so i've been doing it since 2002 it's almost been 20 fucking years so um um you know sometimes i'm tired and to do another show on a saturday night is a lot but also when the second i get up there i don't remember

any of that yeah yeah no yeah once you do it it, it's an adrenaline thing that gets over. But, I mean, I remember towards the end of the TBS run of the TBS show, like, Conan and I having conversations about that we're like, you know, men with practically grown children and we're still doing bits, you know? Yeah. It's still like, we're still like thinking you know it's still like we're still like thinking like did you hear what miley cyrus did we gotta do something about that and it just seems so you know it's like when you're 20 30 it's like okay yeah but as you get older it just seems so undignified to be like let's do a funny little bit for people. Also about a pop culture thing is also even more demoralizing. Yes, yes.

Like, oh, this blank, blank music star just farted on camera. Well, we know. So I used to freelance for Letterman's monologue, and then I used to freelance for Weekend Update when I first started. And it would be me reading the headlines and then being like, well, Letterman will make fun of this. Paris Hilton got on accident, 100%. Letterman's going to have 20 jokes on this jokes on this and for weekend update it'd be like the strangest story i could find and so you kind of you kind of learn but i remember it becomes like demoralizing to be like you know

whoever at the time is famous something happens and you know that's the realm of what's going to be made fun of right that is what's cadence that is the ingredients you're making dinner with tonight there andy there was one of the first things probably uh probably the first or second time i was ever on tv was doing a bit for conan on late night and it was uh remember that fucking robot costume they had yeah you needed to be around six feet tall to be in it and so they put me in it once i did that once and then one time i was like a page i was pretending to be like an intern or a page and flying and that was like the revolving door of ucb like incredible

people yeah um so i got to like do that a couple times what years was this was i still there or what had i left i definitely have done conan with you at least twice but i think it might have been the newer ones i don't know if but that's me as a guest yeah yeah i'm not sure no i know you've been honest i guess but i mean well i it started in 93 and i left in 2000 so if it was after 2000 because then he did another eight or nine years without me yeah uh the the grim years the years that's what people call it. Oh, my God. It's not even a thing that existed. Conan's toilet era. It's like he's living in a toilet.

Yeah. Supposedly. You could barely hear him talk over the bubble. Yeah. Well, now, did you know you were funny? I mean, everybody knows they're funny if they're funny, usually. And is it something like you were doing in high school? knew you're funny i mean everybody knows they're funny if they're funny usually and i mean and is it something like you were doing in high school were you doing stuff with your friends or were you just like a fan consuming it was the opposite i was a fan it was the opposite in high school i

was too afraid to audition for the musical or anything because i didn't i was too afraid of everybody telling me i'm bad yeah i was too afraid to fail there's a good way putting it sure sure was it a big school too no my I went to all public schools but I mean the first you know in the Bronx obviously was a a billion people in a classroom but then in Westchester you know there's all these U.S. news and world reports about the best high schools. This was one of those top public schools. So the class sizes were nice. But I was really afraid of failing. And that fear followed me all through college when I could have auditioned for improv. And I didn't until I had a girlfriend who pushed me and forced me to audition junior year of college. And I've never been more nervous for anything. And I auditioned and I got on. and all of a sudden i felt validated and then i could like take risks

because someone else who was funny i think i was like yeah everybody thought i was the funny guy but nobody who was like the who was like doing something that's considered comedy called me a funny guy so i i you know and being i didn't everybody my my mom's a bronx school teacher my dad was the director of the ymha and then he is the jewish version of ymca and then he was a real estate uh gentleman and buying and selling properties and um uh and um so i didn't know anybody that did this so it was like being an astronaut i didn't know anybody so i could never watch for me yeah yeah that's i thought dreaming about it because we don't i like it's a dream yeah i like tv it's funny to be you know it'd be great it's i like funny tv i

like being funny people tell me i'm funny but i don't know what you know like it was that's exactly right saying i'm gonna be miss america or you know that's right neil armstrong like our friends would have made fun of us yeah of course they would have made fun of us we don't know anybody that does this. We've never met a famous person before. So to me, at the beginning, it was... I wasn't a class clown in high school, but I was a psychology and anthropology major in college because I didn't know that this was a thing.

And I would never dare to think I could be funny enough to be on television. But I would videotape Dana Carvey on SNL, thing and i would never dare to think i could be funny enough to be on television but yeah i would videotape uh you know um dana carvey on snl and i would videotape every you know i had tapes of all my favorite things and i watched them you know over and over and over again yeah i loved it so unrealizing that you're studying it yeah absolutely didn't do it for studying at all but would would keep repeating it but it's never doing it as if I was trained. It wasn't Rocky IV montage. It was just enjoyment. That's actually what you're saying, like having a funny person say you're funny. There's all kinds of things that people that just become tropes. And one of them is like, you got to believe in yourself and you got to have like undying belief in your own talent and stuff and that seems like make like a maniac that's like a narcissist it's an ego it's just driven by ego

especially with being funny like because being funny is such a it's such like a nebulous thing and it changes, you know, like that's the thing too about our line of work is very perishable. Yes. What's, what was funny 20 years ago. And you can go in your mind and think about people that were gigantic. Yep. Who now nobody gives a shit about because they just,

their comedy just didn't wear, didn't last. It didn't wear well. There's people who sold out Madison square garden that can't get jobs right now. You know what I mean? It's crazy. And that's just the way this is.

I mean, I think it's even kind of worse than music. Because you can listen to a song repeatedly, but you can't listen to like Andrew Dice Clay's stand up the same way that you can listen to the Rolling Stones or whatever, you know? Well, also jokes are expired. I love the way you use perishable because I think jokes become expired. Me writing those monologue jokes, if I looked at them now, I'd be like, oh God, you can't say any of this. It all sucks now. Or like you think about Conan's monologue coming up.

If you looked at the stuff you guys did, there are great bits that are evergreen, but then there's stuff that's like, oh God, Jesus, no, it doesn't work anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Stuff that, yeah yeah especially just like with political changes like there's uh you know there have been there have been people on like on twitter or or instagram throwing old conan bits in our face you know in my face and and being like well yeah that was 1994 yeah that that yeah. That makes me wince now, you know, kind of like, you know, where the point of the bid is like, this guy's queer,

you know, like, like you could, you would still kind of do bits like that. That like, Oh, this guy's gay. And now that was the character trait of the whole guy.

Like that was what was funny about this guy. And right. A flawed, flawed way to look at things. Yeah. And I mean, and you kind of, but as you, you know but as you go on, you realize, oh, wait, that's not funny. And you have to start thinking about, you know, like I always try to think about everybody that's hearing this bit or this joke that's not like me like everyone who's not white who's not male who's not straight who's not right now boring midwestern you know slice of wonder bread guy and i think like well is the joke like is this joke work for everybody you know like i was you know like the old joke that would always be sort of this kind of tropey joke about um hey we need to get people to watch

this thing and then they put in a sexy lady you know that's the joke is like because everyone likes to look at titties and it's like no no just met you know like that's like that's not every like titties are not necessarily a universal like like yeah bring on the titties it's like no there's a lot of people don't give a shit about titties, you know? Your autobiography is called, yeah, bring out the titties though, right? Bring out the titties, yep, yep. Well, but I mean, it's of a time.

That's the whole point of it. Of course. You don't have to tell me. It was in the heyday of titties. Titties, you know, now titties are looked down on. No, come on. What are we doing? When you said the person has to think

that they're so funny and they believe in themselves so much, I think I would come back and say the thing that helped me was work harder. I tried to work harder than everybody because I looked at UCB and I was like, okay, I'm funny and I can make people laugh when people are coming to see me,

but so was fucking a hundred other people. So were a hundred other people in this thing and funnier than I am by far. So I was like, but if I work really hard and really like put in the time and write sketches all day long and write you know tv shows and movies if i work a little bit harder then i'll get a little bit luckier and i think that's what i did um and that's really what helped me my career i put my head down and i was like this is all i want to do i don't want to fuck it up so i just kept working and never stopped

you know because i love we love it also like it's a fun thing it's uh we're very prolific too you haven't like you have an amazing work ethic like the amount of just stuff that you do is is enviable because i you know i don't have that kind of work ethic and i'm much more i you know i'm i'm just just like i'm much more of a collaborator like i kind of work ethic and i'm much more i you know i'm i'm just like i'm much more of a collaborator like i kind of sit around and wait for someone to you know say like hey come on over here and help us out with this thing rather than i mean i have some of my own ideas but it's just not as natural as i know a lot of people that just can't not be making the next thing yes and i can absolutely not be making the next thing it's like i'm not making the next thing. Yes. And I can absolutely not be making the next thing.

It's like, I'm not making the next thing. I'm making chili. I'm making brownies. You know, I'm cleaning the garage. You know, I can very easily get away from whatever. It's funny. People see the work ethic in me. And then when it turns to like working out,

I hate, hate working out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I see some of my friends get they're just so good at it every day i can do it and i'm envious of them i was like i wish i got the joy and the and they're like yeah out of working out because then i would be able to do it all the time and it's the same and that's what i'm sure some people look at me when it's like you're up till two in the morning writing again or i sacrifice a weekend because i have to get a deadline done it's like i'm still like oh man i want to do i want to make this good and maybe this one will

get on the air and it's it's the feeling that i feel about people working out sometimes look at me sometimes with work and be like oh well you're getting joy out of fucking like making shit up on stage at 9 p.m or midnight and so yeah can't you tell my loves are growing when do you start feeling like i can do this for a living you know i mean are you are you are you doing side jobs while you're starting out i mean are you in new york waiting tables and shit yeah so i i had i was a sneaker salesman at the beginning in a store called athlete's foot. And then, you know, I had summer jobs when I was, uh,

every summer I had a job. I, I, I worked, my family is also, uh, and which is, I know that this podcast goes into that stuff.

So it's like, my family is a very hardworking family. My family's from the South Bronx. They worked their fucking ass off to get, they were poor, very poor. And slowly my parents got a little bit of money and then they were able to get enough money to move us to a different part of the neighborhood. And their work ethic was, my mom for 53 years was a music teacher in the Bronx. Every day went to

that. And then my dad worked his ass off. So it's like that work ethic and that, you know, like go for it. So before- You soaked that up. Yeah. Absolutely. There's these whole working papers that when you're young, you have to get working papers to legally be allowed to be hired for something. And I think we lied and said I had working papers before I was legally allowed to work at a place. Wow. And I was a camp counselor. And the way we got away with it was I did the garbage in the morning.

the morning so in the morning i went to uh there was uh man i haven't thought about this in so long but there is there's an elementary school where they had the summer camp yeah and i was like i want to be a camp that's exactly right that's right um i never went to sleepover camp um yeah so uh and i was like i want to be a counselor and they said legally you can't be a counselor but if we hire you to do the garbage in the morning so so I would go to the place and pick up all the broken 40s because high schoolers would drink it. Sure, sure. I had these gloves and I was really young, picking up 40s. Then for the second half of the day, I would be a counselor and stuff like that. From then, every summer I had, we would have a job.

Every summer I had, we would have a job. And then when I graduated college, I became a page at Letterman. Oh, nice. With no hookups. Didn't know anybody. Went in, talked to someone, didn't interview, and was able to... Because I didn't know anybody in the business. Zero people. That's great.

Yes. Denied from the NBC page program, which I guess is the hardest fucking program in the universe. It's like very, uh, whatever, but got paid $10 an hour to be a page. Then got, uh,

um, they let me do freelance monologue jokes. And back then you had to fax them in. Yeah. So I had to pay for a fax machine in a landline. And so basically the jokes that I got on the air would just pay for the things that I was using. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Fax the jokes. And how did you get the nerve to ask, can I send jokes? That's a great question. So I didn't. I was too scared. Yeah.

Because you're what, like 20, 21 maybe? At this time. So I graduated college. I just turned 21 when I graduated college. Oh, I was 21. So I was probably doing Letterman at 22, 21 and a half, you know, like near my end at 21, 22. So people who were intern, I was a page. So as a page, all I did was let people into the audience, make sure everybody was happy, give them their tickets. And when they're watching the show,

if they'd take a piss, I'd be like, no, wait, wait, wait, wait for the commercial break, wait for commercial break. And then you wait and then you show them where the bathroom is. Right, right. So that was it. And so I was watching it, but I was doing UCB and people were starting to come see me a little bit. So a couple of the interns became pages and because they were interns, they knew the writers. And so those guys got the jobs freelancing, whatever. And there's a lovely gentleman named Greg, who I said, hey, do you think it's possible for maybe, and he says, you know what, I'll give you the guy's email. So I emailed the guy, um,

his name was Steve young at the time. And he, uh, and I said, uh, he was like the, the coordinator for the model. He was,

he was the one. Exactly. Yeah. And so he said, um, well, we're all full up right now. And I said,

I totally get it. I'm only here for, I'm only allowed to be a page for another blank months. I'll check later. Thank you for even talking to me. I wait a couple more months. And I was like, how about now? He goes, for, I'm only allowed to be a page for another blank month. So I'll check later. Thank you for even talking to me. I wait a couple more months and I was like, how about now? He goes,

okay, you could put in three jokes a day, which as you, if, if you've ever freelanced for a monologue, that's nothing like by the, by the time I was going, it's 15 jokes every day.

Right. Right. So he gave me notes. Yeah, exactly. He gave me notes on all my jokes. Like my setups would be too long for Letterman. So he'd teach me how to do it.

He's like, you got to make them smaller. Look at how he, his cadence. It's not you making a joke. It's him making a joke. Yeah. So your setups would be too long for Letterman. So he'd teach me how to do it. He's like, you got to make them smaller. Look at how he, his cadence. It's not you making a joke. It's him making a joke. Yeah. So your setups have to be small and then your punch has to be blank.

You know what I mean? Yeah. So I got one on and the second I got one on, he immediately was like, you have to sign a contract and did it. Like all of a sudden, like everything, everything became official,

but it was $75 a joke. I don't know what it was. A Conan $75 a joke that you got on. And I would write, so my website, rejectedjokes.com and my Twitter handle and all that started from, I took all my jokes that got rejected. And I said, how can I stand out on the internet? So people outside of New York can see me. And I would perform the rejected jokes to an audience of zero people at UCB. And I would film myself doing the jokes that got rejected. And that's how I like started my web presence, if you will. Right, right. No, yeah. There's no better

way to put it. But I asked this intern who's a page and a friend of mine, Greg Volk was his name. And then he was kind enough to set me up with this person who said no. And I was very gracious and didn't push. And then he said, check later on. And I was about to leave and whatever. And then I said, hey, how about now? And he said, yes. And then they loved me being paged so much, they extended how long I could be a page. So I used to be able to be in the audience watching Letterman to see if he was going to say one of my jokes. And it was so like, and you never would know. And there's an episode where, because this must be ingrained in your head for Conan, but for me as a page, I'm watching Letterman every single day.

When he's done with his monologue, he puts his hand like this and he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Schaefer and the CBS orchestra. And then Paul plays. And I know as a writer, I didn't get any jokes on that day. But the second he goes, the second his hand goes like this, I know he's about to point and get out of there.

Yeah. Because as you know, it becomes, everything's a routine in late night. Like when Conan's done with his monologue, you could see it in his face when he's about to point and get out of there. Yeah. Cause as you know, it becomes, or everything's a routine in late night. Like when Conan's done with his monologue, you could see it in his face when he's about to throw it to Jimmy, you know what I mean? Or something like that. So it's like,

um, and there's an episode where it was like two weeks in a row. I didn't get one on and I'm in the back telling people where to go to the bathroom. I go fuck at the top of my lungs. And the, the, the audience coordinator,

like his eyes like popped open. He's like, Ben, what the, what are you doing? You can't, you can't talk with a little, I go, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. But I do remember that, him telling me I'm not allowed to curse when I get jokes, when I don't get jokes. Right, right, right, yeah, yeah.

And I wouldn't really talk about it with the other pages because I didn't want them to feel bad. I don't want to, I don't want to be like, because a bunch of them weren't doing it. So I didn't want them to be upset that they weren't getting this opportunity but i think so yeah you don't want you don't want to send a bunch of pages to the guy that's your in yeah you know like you realize connection yeah you realize you know you realize at that level i mean because there's other you know having been on a show like that forever and always having interns coming in

and out, you know, there would be kids occasionally that would, well, and you could tell the difference. You can tell the difference between like, cause there were some interns that were funny and that you kind of get like, okay,

yeah, you you're funny. You're like one of them. Yes. And that you kind of get like, okay, yeah, you're funny. You're like one of them. Yes. And then there are other kids that are just ambitious and entitled. And they're the ones that are like, wait, why do I have to make Xerox copies?

I'm here to learn about television. And it's like, yeah, you learn by making fucking Xerox copies. That's right. That's how you start learning. You get coffee for people. That's your first lesson in television you get coffee for people that's your first lesson in television is getting coffee for people yes um and that you know so it's weird when somebody's like hey could i show you some of my material and there's also like the weird technicality of

well you have to sign a release yes because if we do something similar to it you can sue us and 100 that's all such a weird radioactive. I also think the more power, the older you get, the more power you get, the more you're able to kind of do those things every now and then. Like, but you're right. Me as someone who's the lowest on the food chain as a page, I couldn't, I couldn't be like, yeah, I'll help you out. I just knew I couldn't ask that favor.

Yeah. But then like slowly, you know, like let's say I'm on a show and I'm one of the leads and I've been there for four years and I know my friend would be good for a role. Then I'm starting to like, anytime I can build, anytime I can build people up who I think deserve it, I really do. I've tried to in my career, always try to pull people up anytime I could. But it's always the people that deserve it. Cause you're right. You could tell when someone's really funny and they're talented and they're kind and they're going to be good on set. And you could tell when someone's really funny and they're talented and they're kind and they're going to be good on set and you could tell when people are just like think they should have it and they think they're funny but you're like yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah and you yeah i know sorry listeners that's just how it is we're come up to us and try and be funny we will judge you whether whether you got what it takes or not i'm gonna be excited you want to have anything to do with comedy no matter what but i can't get you a job yeah especially if you're not funny right right no people are fucking crazy like i've had people like come up to me on the street and be like i've written a novel here let me give it to you and like dude i don't know how if i wore a novel i wouldn't know how to get it fucking published like what are you not like me what are you doing i don't know how to do any of that never dropping someone once delivered uh my food and uh recognized me when he delivered my food and then went back in his car and got a script he must have just had his script ready for if he ever recognized anybody

and he's like can you read this it's like i can't and i legally can't because exactly what you said i'm writing all these movies if his movie is exactly like one of mine then he's like, can you read this? I was like, I can't. And I legally can't because exactly what you said, I'm writing all these movies. If his movie is exactly like one of mine, then he's going to think I stole his movie. I was like, I can't, I'm so sorry. But it is very funny. But there is a part of like, you have to hustle, I think, and work really hard, but you have to learn what that is and not be a hindrance to people and not be mean and be kind. Yeah. I think kindness goes a long way. Not be an asshole. You. Not be an asshole.

You can't be an asshole. I went to film school and there was all kinds of, you know, we were supposedly taught by working professionals, which they were kind of work, you know, like they kind of did. They mostly were teachers and they would give all kinds of advice about like, if you see a producer go up to them, I mean, the worst they can do is say no. And you hear that and you think, oh, okay. But then you get out in the world for three seconds and you're like no no the worst they can do is remember you as the one who rudely interrupted their lunch and shoved a shitty script

in their hand or you know wasted their time or just was rude you know um you know it you have to get you you have to have a touch you know you have to like i agree it's also such a uh the the beginning of this industry is so hard because i remember when i was a kid it's like kid but uh remember 20 years ago when it was like um all right well well, I want to get jobs. What do I need? You need an agent. How do you get an agent? You got to get jobs.

I was like, what the fuck? You have to get jobs to get an agent? But the only way to get... So it was like, it's so hard. You got to want it so much that you're fine with all the struggle and you don't make money for a fucking long time. Yeah. So it's like, you got to be okay with all that.

And you got to make sure that you're not doing it just because you want to be famous. You saw someone get a million views on something and you want to do that. Yeah, yeah. You got to love it. And then you get to be around for a while. I mean, you fucking have done comedy on network television

and then to TBS for, what was it, 30 years? Something like that. That's insane. It's when I, it doesn't even make sense. Do you get residuals, Andy? Yeah. That's insane. It's when I, it doesn't even make sense. Do you get residuals, Andy? Yeah. Oh, my God. You have 30 years of residuals?

They're not like huge. Honestly, they're not huge. I mean, the bigger residuals are from, you know, like I did the Madagascar movies, and that was the biggest. Oh, those are the best. The best cash cow compared to, especially like when you do it, the work over pay ratio, like the work is like. How many hours? Yeah.

Oh my God. You know, like there was, I think it was like the third Madagascar movie. I figured out that I spent approximately 10 times more promoting it than I did recording it. You know, just doing it, the time that it took to do interviews about it was like way more than just being in a booth and going like oh no look out you know yeah so yeah no i i uh the residuals they're you know they're they're they're you know they're like car payments they're like you know they take care of car payments and maybe the water bill you know

that's i still kind of look at things in that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is there something that you're not doing that you're like some part of your career that's not hitting that you'd like to or even in your personal life? I mean, you know, I think are you looking for a bunch of sister wives? You know, what was that movie? What was that TV show on HBO where the gentleman had a hundred wives or five wives? Oh yeah.

Big Love? Yeah, exactly, exactly. Something like that. The Mormon Show. The Mormon Show. A lot of people call it the Mormon Show. The business-wise, I directed a couple things on the internet

and I had the opportunity, or I wrote a movie. So I write movies for places and I wrote an independent movie for myself that it looked like was going to get made, but then COVID hit and we lost half our funding. And I was like, that would be exciting to direct something. But I don't have, I'm more, this is being very honest. I'm, I know it's going to be fun and exciting, but it's scary directing a movie. Like I've directed a lot of things, a lot of commercials, a lot of branded content, and I've directed 12 minute episodes of a show I created called The Earliest

Show That's On The Internet. But a 90 minute movie where it's like real stuff in my life that I really care about, I'm scared by it. So it's like, I find it scary. I'm not scared by it, but I find it intimidating. But I really want to do it. and one of the reasons why was this script i really liked and i thought to myself um if anybody's gonna screw it up i want it to be me i'm the person who fucked it up yeah like that's how i think about it which is a kind of weird way of thinking but it's like listen if i give the script to a different director and that director messes it up what i had in my head i'd be so bummed that i wasn't the one who messed it up because this is the one that i saved for myself to direct. So I think directing would be fun and I have dreams of

directors that I want to play with and work with and be directed by. And I want to do a Pixar movie because I love animated films so much. So it's like all those things are floating in the ether. But I think directing would be the next thing. But it's not like my whole life is like, I got to, I got to, I got to. It's like, I want to do

this one time and see how it feels. And I want to do it on something that if I screwed up, it's my own thing or whatever. And if it's a success, it feels like, you know, like, all right, I can do this on this scale. So I think that would be it. But I'm not like, there's a lot of friends of mine that are like, I have to direct. I was like, you don't have to direct, but I would really like to. I think I could do an okay job at it when it's, Quentin Tarantino had a great line because I was studying directors when I was about to do it.

And so where he's like, when he did Reservoir Dogs, he's like, yeah, there's a thousand directors that could direct a movie better than me because I never directed a movie before. But Tarantino said, but nobody could direct that movie better than me. Yeah. And I was like, so I feel like this, this movie that I wrote that is very much emotional stuff that's like emotional stuff that's happened in my life. It's like I can direct that because I know exactly in my head how the scenes go. So that's it. So I think he's incredible, but I don't ever want to have to go out my house or apartment. And then people are like snapping photos. Like that doesn't, that doesn't, I find that to be like the worst.

I usually keep my private life incredibly private. So like, cause it's like, this is the fun part that all of us get share. And then I get to have my own stuff. Yeah. So it's like, no,

the noise, like I, I, people that can't go to the grocery store. I just feel like I feel terrible for them. That would be, or have to have a security guard when they go anywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems exhausting to me.

Yeah. And it is. And it's, you know, there's legitimate reason because there's fucking weirdos that- I know. Latch onto you. And, you know, and people that you wouldn't expect that have like weird stalkers that are focused on them have fucking weird stalkers that are focused on them have fucking weird stalkers that are also what you did in your job is every night at a

certain time, people feel very close with you. They're going to speak with you. And you also beyond that are the person, uh, beside Conan, that is funny. That is the cool fucking friend. That is like the person you can relate to. That is the person when like, while Conan's being this, that is like the person you can relate to that is the person when like while conan's being this you know uh uh almost like you know this playing the role of host you're like the cool fun friend that we're we're friends with next to him relaying on stuff so for i have to assume that when people meet you in real life now or even back then it's like they must feel a connection to you because you're playing yourself andy you're playing yourself, Andy. You're not playing like a character. You're not playing like Steve Carell in The Office. You're playing yourself. So I have to assume people feel a connection with you no matter what. Is that

accurate or no? Yes. And I mean, it used to happen more when I was younger that people just, and you probably have the same thing because you have a very approachable vibe. And if you have an approachable vibe, people just think he'll want to come have a drink with us. I know he's here with four other people that are obviously his friends, but he'll want to come over here and meet Gary and Bob, you know, like, and, you know, and it's kind of like, no, I don't really want to meet Gary and Bob. And, you know, and I'm actually kind of shy, no, I don't really want to meet Gary and Bob. And I'm actually kind of shy out in public. I'm not a politician. I mean, I can be pleasant and I can be friendly.

And I certainly put a big priority on politeness. But it's kind of like, yeah, but that's not really who I am. Like Will Ferrell is a friend of mine. And I saw him, his career go from, you know, well-known on SNL and then to being, you know, Will Farrell. And it's the same thing. People just think, well, it's Will Farrell. And, but, and it's like, whatever I get literally times a hundred, just, you know, like, just, you know, like I, I have nothing to complain about the level of like notoriety that I have. It's almost always pleasant.

It's almost always low-key. It's almost always nice. Yeah. Cool, also. Doesn't it feel cool? The people I feel like that come up to the people that do what you and I do, it's like, you're cool enough to know this alternative comedy thing is funny, then it's usually you're, I mean, you're not probably considered cool by your friends,

but you're like, you usually you're uh you're i mean you're not probably considered cool by your friends but right you're like you get it you're in you're we like we can do bits together immediately sometimes if i just met you for the first time yeah no it's it's uh yeah i've always said if somebody knows me odds are they like me you know what i mean like they're not like i'm not i'm not put in front of everybody's face like the guy, like somebody on The Bachelor or, you know, whatever. You know, it's like you got to find me. You know, you're not stumbling across me. So, yeah. And I mean, it's mostly, like I say, it's mostly nice. It's mostly like really, I've likened it to feel, you feel like a regular everywhere.

You know, like when you go to the restaurant, the coffee shop that you always go to and hi, they know you by name and they're like, you know, chatting me and they know kind of what, it's sort of like that, you know, like you get, you get treated nicely because people know you and they like you, you know, they have a good favorable opinion of you. And that's, it's a beautiful. But also because you come across as kind. So they want to put kindness back like you. You know, they have a good favorable opinion of you. And that's, it's a beautiful. But also because you come across as kind. So they want to put kindness back into you. I'm sure if there's like, I remember in the nineties,

there's so many big movie stars that were just assholes. Yeah. Yeah. I can't imagine people would come to them with the same kindness. They come to you because they are probably like, Oh fuck. This person is going to take a gun. Oh yeah. Definitely.

No, there are people. Yeah. There's people that like, they, you know like i don't see anybody like running up to robert de niro like with an autograph book you know i mean i'm sure they do it but it's like you're like you just know like he's not gonna be cool with this you know so do you remember i guess you can't really i bet you can't talk about it are there are there are there moments when you're in that when you're doing conan that someone's just a fucking asshole to you? And you just, what do you do when that happens?

Because if someone's being mean to you, let's say it's in the commercial break before, do you change the way, the method that you play with in the next segment with them? Or no, you don't, you're a professional, doesn't matter. And do you remember any stories like that of someone that you're like, this person was a fucking piece of shit or the inverse of that. This person was so kind and you didn't see it coming. Yeah. Mostly. Well,

mostly the people that were assholes. I just, you know, they're only there for a minute. You know what I mean? They're gone. Yeah. And I can just ignore them.

You know, there's, there are a couple of times where like, I got like, I remember, and I, you know and i wasn't trying to be any particular way but the guy the actor ed burns oh yeah who also like you know he directed a bunch of kind of indie movies and um he was on the show and he was on i think it was saving private ryan

it was a it was a world war ii thing sure and he was talking about how and i always found him to be a little pompous um if i whisper he won't hear it um and he was talking about doing this movie and about and and that how they he and the other cast members went into like a military boot camp to do this movie oh yes and i and i was like conan asked him about it and they started to move on and i and i didn't do this very often but i was like wait a minute wait a minute i was like but why like why do you need a boot camp like what do you like isn't it in the script like i don't understand he's like okay okay i'll explain it and he's like you know we wouldn't have understood, you know, it created a sense of

camaraderie and a sense of discipline. And just like, for instance, he said like, like there was a, there was a scene that we were where I'm like firing a gun, a rifle, and it's got blanks in it, but the barrel gets hot. And then we have to jump up and run out of the foxhole and he goes and i grabbed the barrel of the gun and it it looked it was really hot and burned my hand but i had to you know like work through it and keep going you know like just keep going which i was like i i didn't say this but i was like how good of a boot camp was it that they didn't teach

you that the gun gets hot um but he i was like you know but he was kind of like pissed pissed that i was questioning him and then they go on and they're talking about something and he's talking about his movies and it's about he's talking there's something about the men like about the men in the movies having difficulty talking about their feelings and then he became some sort of like conan i would like to talk to you about feelings and like yeah we could have a whole movie you know like making kind of like a gay joke a little bit you know like you know like it could be romantic between us or something and then ed turns to me and goes like yeah that sounds like the kind of movie that andy would be great in like kind of taking trying to take a little dig at me right and also by the way

of a version of the joke that we explained before is not good now at all yeah right it doesn't make sense at all yeah so it's like yeah a movie about gays how about putting this guy in it and right a hat on a hat of bad taste yes and i said i don't know how to bad taste yeah and i and i said to him uh i said oh that sounds great i said as long as i don't have to go through any stupid boot camp and the audience go crazy yeah they liked it and he was pissed and i heard out from later that he was pissed but it's like i'm sorry you know it's like it's a talk show i'm fucking around you know let's say inverse give me one of like you like this person was so nice out of their way david bowie oh my god that makes me so happy david bowie was local

would come on and a person like david bowie who really really really matters to me i usually said nothing to same i'm the same way i don't have the balls to go i have nothing to say to you other than gee whiz look at you yeah yeah and he could not have been kinder, more normal, more fun, better sense of humor about himself. That makes my day. Sweet, patient, just lovely. Just absolutely lovely. You know? So, yeah, he's one that really sticks out.

It's just, like, that's a guy that could have been the biggest dick in the world, and you would have been like, all right, I get it. You're David Bowie. You can be whatever you want. But he wasn't. that could have been the biggest dick in the world and you would have been like, all right, I get it. You're David Bowie. You can be whatever you want. But he wasn't. He was just- You picked a perfect person too. That's a legend. You know what I mean?

That you're like, all right, well, even if he's a little bit prissy, it doesn't matter to me. He's a little bit mean or whatever. But the fact that he's out of his way nice is- Not even an ounce of prissy or mean or exasperated. Just patient and sweet and kind. Heaven.

Yeah. And change the way music is made. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Well, we're getting to the end here. And, you know, the last of these questions is, what have you learned? I mean, do you have anything in the way of advice? Or do you have anything that kind of like something that's hit you that kind of feels like this is the point of what i've been doing uh you mean in my career yeah i think or

in your life you know i mean the however the career yes you as a person i think that's great i think in my life the thing that i really try to abide by is uh be kind to people i just try my best to be kind to everybody i know how much shit everybody's going through like and you can't see it so i'm my my goal is always to be kind to everybody as as as best i can i'm sure i'm not a hundred batting a hundred or a thousand so it's like but that that is a huge thing to me that i try to bring in terms of work i do think you gotta you gotta i worked my ass off to get where i am there are people that were funnier than me there are people that are more talented than me but i'd really i had the the right mix of a little bit of talent and i just worked hard yeah um and i loved it follow it if

you love it i think is it is like me thinking about what we just talked about for the past hour and change it's like me really working hard it's because i loved it so much yeah um yeah because i remember doing that thing for conan i don't know if you were still there you might have been but it's like that was the biggest i was so nervous yeah to go out on stage in a robot outfit like who cared i was shitting bricks i was so scared yeah so it's like and you know you have all those So it's like, and you know, you have all those versions of that coming up and you get more comfortable. And yeah, I think don't be afraid to fail is another thing that from what we just

talked about that, that for me, it's like for improv, it's like, get out there, improvise, take a risk. Yeah.

Fail, learn from that failure, get back out again, keep doing that. And you're going to find your voice. You're going to find the things that make you laugh, follow the things that make you laugh. Those are things that I really, I do, whatever. And being able to express your love to people, I think is a big thing. It may have been harder for me as when I was younger, but

way easier now that I'm an adult, which is funny because sometimes it's the opposite where it's like, you know, telling someone you care about them a friend you know a loved one or making sure so right or just emotionality in general gets easier as you get older you just you know you train you transition from kid to adult and you don't know like you know like if somebody's upset like do i hug them like you know right you're so like questioning every step of every step of everything that you do you know yeah so yeah yeah i i think with what you're saying too like one thing that occurs to me that uh that i always think is important is the is like that you can make more like whatever you're doing you can always make more oh that's interesting yeah don't be so precious about it almost right

exactly like you know like it's like with you writing jokes for Letterman. Well, there's tomorrow. You'll write jokes tomorrow. You know, there'll be, it's not like you're going to run out. And if you think of it that way, you won't run out. But if you're scared that somehow whatever that it is that you have to give is some finite resource, it probably will become a finite resource. Oh, wow. It's almost like your self-fulfilling prophecy. I think so.

I think that's really interesting. Yeah. I also think for writing, one of the biggest things that I think has helped me is finish things. Don't just start things, finish them. Even if it's a sketch, even if it's starting to be like, ugh, I don't think this is going to be good, finish it. You can always rewrite it. That's a huge thing that has helped me out. I've sold a lot of different things. But I really think finishing is the trick because when it's done, you have a thing. You created a thing. That's crazy. You created a world.

And then you can change whatever you want in it. But if you never finish it, it disappears and all that work went to waste. And it's hanging around your neck like a stone. Well, let me go through some of these things these are these uh yeah this is all was written for me you wrote a movie for searchlight pictures during the pandemic in which you will start with sam rockwell that's true i'm doing the second draft of it right now when when do you start shooting oh my god andy if we start shooting how exciting yeah i mean the goal is the goal is hopefully uh you know everybody loves the next draft and then uh covid isn't as big of a thing and we can get it together but um that one is really exciting because

sam i love and i'm friends with and um i sold it a a while ago and i wrote a draft and they they really liked it and then we got a know, this whole process is really boring. I'm sure to hear, but so that one is cooking right now. Uh, I'm currently literally behind this screen in the zoom screen is the script for that. Cause I'm literally, cause I'm about to film something and I want to get a jump on all my writing. So by the time I go to film, this is something, this tells you about the work ethic. I like to bring a movie that I owe with me on shoots because I know I'm not going to be in every day unless I'm the number on the

call sheet. This movie, the next movie I'm doing, I'm not. So I'll have two days off a week. And those days I will spend every minute writing because I grew up Monday through Friday work. So Monday through Friday, even if I have a workday off of acting, I will make sure to work on my script oh that's great that's really uh enviable as i said before um and space force is coming back space force comes out february 18th on netflix that's uh steve carell and john malkovich tony newsom and that and that is this that's the second season of this second season yeah very funny show you provide the voice of leonardo in rise of the mutant ninja turtles andy yeah i play in in the so voiceover is something i've been doing since 2003 and then just in the past probably 10 years have started to get all these roles that i when i was a kid

i used to be like so i get to play dewey and ducktales and leonardo and teenage mutant ninja turtles and i play sonic the hedgehoghog in Sonic the Hedgehog movies. So it's something I always love. You weathered the lifelike teeth controversy very well there, I think. Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate it. It's very kind. You're very kind. We really had to stay on that boat while it rocked on those shaky, shaky waves.

It was just so hilarious that the hedgehog's teeth are a huge issue. It's like that was the star of the internet for a week or so a huge issue. It's like this, that was the star of the internet for a week. You know, it's so funny that by the way I did, there was a day I was doing Conan. I think it must've been the comic con day. Remember when I, me and Thomas dressed up as you and yes.

Yeah. So it was there. And then in the back, there was a Sonic, the hedgehog with a big dick. And you guys were going to do this bit where Sonic comes on. Right. And the writer comes on.

People have problems with the new Sonic. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, funny bit. Hey, man, can you wait till the day I'm not on this show to do that? Because you guys were there for like a week. And one of the writers was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do it right after you.

But we'll wait. We'll wait. I was like, if you don't mind, I don't want Paramount to get upset. So they said, because it'd be weird if I did the show and then literally right after making fun of the big dick sonic yeah exactly um yeah yeah yeah no uh that's one of the things like for me that i do cartoon voices is uh it's uh just cartoon voices game show hosting and the fact that i got to be on a talk show and be there for the animal segments oh my god the three things that like strike me as like a child you know like can i give you my so my uh hypothesis on because i thought about because obviously i've watched a

lot of late night uh late show because of letterman then i watched conan at night so it's like um the thing i was like why do i love this one when jack hannah comes on yeah when you know why do i love it and it's because it's it has to be spontaneous yeah for the first time there's not people looking at cards there's nothing you can do whatever that animal decides to do you have to reaction so by the way for you it's like heaven for you because you you have to reaction so by the way for you it's like heaven for you because you're built for this shit you're built for improv so like those segments i always loved so much and i was like why do i love them i was like because i don't know what's going to happen and they're they're unpredictable and so that was always my

hypothesis why i love those segments so much is because you're watching the host also have a real reaction and be nervous yeah and i was like oh like, oh my God, I love this. And I too, like when there were animals on the show, I stopped being on television. I just was visiting animals. Yes. You know, like I just, I didn't care. You know, luckily Conan was there still worrying about the quality of the show.

I was just like, kitty, you know. All right. And let me get these other, Januaryuary 28th uh apple tv uh plus movie the after party it's a tv show it is this is a big one this is i think this will probably come out right before it our episode but january 28th yeah january 28th the after party it's lord and miller who are like heroes of mine and chris directed all these episodes and it's a Rashomon type whodunit, but it's all comedians in it. And the whole idea is someone dies, someone gets murdered at an after party of a reunion

and then every episode is someone explaining what happened from their point of view, but it's shot in a different genre of film. So let's say you're like the asshole of the group. It's shot like a Fast and the Furious movie. And in the next episode, if you're a romantic, it's shot like a romantic comedy. Oh, that's great.

It's so, I'm so excited for it. And we filmed it over a year ago. So it's like, we've been waiting for it to come out for so long. The fact that it's coming out in three weeks from today is like, I can't tell you how excited I am. I'm so invested in the show. I love it so much. Yeah.

And we made it during COVID and it was during an election it was like all this crazy shit was happening so there's like a great feeling of love that i have for uh lord of miller and chris and all that stuff so that's a big big one all of them are big big ones and sonic 2 is a big big one in space force but this one's coming up first and i and um it's new so it's this is the one i want to try to get people yeah it sounds great january 28th on apple tv plus yeah after parties you don't have to keep listing stuff this is i feel, this is the one I want to try to get people. Yeah. It sounds great. January 28th on Apple TV plus. Yeah. After parties.

You don't have to keep listing stuff. This is, I feel weird. This is great. You did great. All right. I'm done. All right. Good.

I'm done. I mean, you are in the Dracula movie Renfield with. Oh, I know. That's where I'm going to film. That's where I leave in a couple of weeks to go film a Renfield. Any, any fly eating on your part? Fly eating like as a bat? No, no.

Like, you know, cause Renfield eats flies. Oh, fly eating. You're talking about actual Ren a bat no no like you know because renfield eats flies oh fly eating you're talking about actual renfield nicholas holt plays renfield i play a different character but you know who plays dracula nick cage plays dracula wow i can't wait i cannot wait to meet nick cage and aquafina is in it it's going to be the script is so funny i am so that's what i'm getting ready for i leave in a couple weeks to go to new orleans we're filming there oh wow yeah enjoy new orleans good food there we're gonna be there during mardi gras which is crazy for me because i'm very much not that person so i don't know what the hell i'm gonna stay home just stay home well mardi gras you know what the what's great about mardi gras is that there's there's not just bourbon street there are parades everywhere yes um while

you're there there's a parade called i should just wait till off this off the air to do this but there's a i mean i don't know what the covid's doing the parades but there's a parade down there called the crew of chewbacca's like chewbacca but bacchus combined it's great it's a homemade everybody builds their own amazing movie genre sci-fi horror themed floats and costumes and i love this fantastic and it's not you know it's not like oh it's titty show and and you know and you know the beat exchange back to titties yeah yeah it's just fun and there's like lots of neighborhood parades that are just it's unlike anything you'll i have to see it i'm there'll never, I don't know the next time I'll be there during Mardi Gras. So it's like, I've got to, I'm going to be there.

So it's like, and I'll have days off. So I'm like, I got to just check it out in the safest way possible. I don't want to be the person that gets COVID and brings down the production. So whatever the safest way of doing it is. Don't bother with Bourbon Street. Go to the, you know, check. There's parades every day for a month. I can't wait.

Yeah, yeah. So. All right. Well, Ben Schwartz, thank you so much. What a fun little chat, Andy. Yeah, it was. It was great to talk to you. This is great.

Yes, exactly. And thank you all of you out there for listening to this episode of The Three Questions. And we'll be back next week with more. Bye. I've got a big, big love for you. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco and Earwolf production. It is produced by Lane Gerbig, engineered by Marina Pice, and talent produced by Galitza Hayek. The associate producer is Jen Samples, supervising producer Aaron Blair,

and executive producers Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Make sure to rate and review The Three Questions with Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts. Can't you tell my love's a-growing?