The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Beth Stelling: SPORTS! Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: May 22, 2026

Comedian Beth Stelling joins Andy Richter for an episode of SPORTS! stories! Listeners called in to talk Olympics dreams, Scrabble controversy, bowling fiascos, and more! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan old bro. Coney a... Hey everybody. Just here with Beth Stelling talking about being dead. But not yet. Yeah, but not yet. Because we got a radio show to do. I'm Andy Richter.

This is the Andy Richter Call-in Show. I am so happy to be back with you people. We're going to have some fun today. I already said, Beth Stelling is here. One of my favorite people, one of the funniest people on the planet. Always a thrill to get to see her. So happy to be back. And we are talking sports.

Yes. And you are a sport. I wore my sport shirt. Yeah, you are like still a serious competitive field hockey player, right? Well, I'll be honest. The last year I've been on the road touring as a stand-up comedian. We'll get the fuck out then. I know.

We're not doing comedy. We're doing sports. I know. You are sold to me as a sport. I am not a sport. I mean, I feel like it was already hard enough to me for me to admit that I was playing on the U.S. Women's Masters team that I worked really hard to do that. I was like, oh, I don't know. And now that I'm not doing it, I really can't sit in it. I can't tell you that I'm playing

right now. I haven't played in like a year. I kind of hurt my knee. Why were you, why were you reticent to tell people that you were on the team? I think it's because like, I don't know. It's a deeper inner problem that we can't solve right now. All right. Whatever. It's the same thing with like me, you know, there's a, there's all different types of people. There's a type of person who starts comedy in three months in they have business cards. They're like, hello, stand-up comedian, producer, writer, about stalling. Or there's me who, like, was like six years in. I was like, I think I can start calling myself a stand-up comedian.

Yeah. It's like that. It's disappointing. It's annoying. But yes, I played for the U.S. Women's Master's Fiel Lockey team for two years for the 035 women's team. Excellent. Did two chores.

Now when you stop, do they put pressure on you? Like, we need you in the midfield or anything like that. No. In fact, like, I still threw a hair, Hail Mary. and I didn't make it to an official tryout because my touring schedule was booked. Like, they're a little, their organization isn't like exactly enough leeway

or what am I trying to say? Head time. Head, oh, they don't give you enough lead time to know when you're going to, yeah, yeah. So I had already booked shows. I'm not canceling a weekend of work to go try out for the field hockey team that I would have to pay to be on, you know?

Yeah, yeah. So, I mean, not pay to be on, but uniforms. It's going to cost money. Exactly. And you probably got to pay to get yourself to wherever you're going. 100%.

And sometimes we fundraise and all those things, but yes, to your point. So I couldn't make any of the official tryouts. I played in the Shooting Star Tournament in Amherst Mass last August as my like sort of tryout. But again, I didn't have time to really train for that. I was happy with my play and everything,

but it wasn't sufficient for me to like make the team again, which I totally understand. And it also got more competitive. Like a lot of more people are interested in the program, which is amazing. So people who were able to show up and try out And a lot of them are still coaching and active And I'm over here like,

What if I had a cigarette with this beer? At that level, because that's a pretty high level of competitiveness For amateurs, are there are there? And also too, because I don't, you know, I don't know what it's like to be on a women's team. I have been on men's teams. And there are guys that take it way too fucking seriously. are there women that take it away to really it took my first year because I was like one of the only people on my team that didn't play in college wow so I should be proud of my I should be even more proud of myself yeah no shit but because of that there was two sort of camps on the team players who played in college and were sort of disillusioned with the idea of the sport because it was ruined for them by a bad coach it too intense coach an abusive coach so they were coming back to the sport like maybe I can

love it now. And then there were people who are still in the old mindset of like, when follow these rules, this is my way or the highway, this is serious, you know, don't mess it up. Yeah. And that vibe, I hated because their behavior felt just, you know, whatever, my shit doesn't stink type stuff. And it's like, do you think I'm here to lose it for you? Yeah. I'm not a clown here to foil the game. I'm doing my very best. Yes. So, yeah, but it got to the point where like, you know, sometimes you have people that don't pass to you. And when they don't pass to you, then you start to even lose your own confidence. So if they do it pass to you once, then you do miss it.

And then you're like, well, that's why they don't pass me. So it's like, it's just self-fulfilling prophecy. But I shook that after the first tour in the Pan Am Games in Buenos Aires. And my second tour was in Cape Town. And even though we had a worse showing as a team, I had more fun and I was more confident. Yeah, yeah. I still had terrible errors. And I should have been watching tape.

but I never played in college and didn't know I would benefit from that. But it's interesting. I know to listen to my stand-up sets, but it wasn't until I watched some of my tape when I thought, oh, I could submit a tape if I can't make the tryout. And I'm watching myself make some good plays and then some absolutely hilariously horrific plays. Wow.

Just in the sense that I was making it much harder on myself. As a defender, instead of carrying the ball out, which I know to do, I would almost be a pinball machine. So instead of me carrying it out and getting it out of my, defensive circle, I just passed it back to the other team about four times. Do you know what I mean? So I just basically am doing a defensive play on myself four times in a row. It's pathetic. You're just a bumper. Yeah, exactly. Just a bumper to send it back to them. So I learned. I learned before I didn't make the team. And I'm absolutely okay with it. If I just think my knee has

been bothering me and if I want to play again, I have a lot of work to do some rehab and just getting back in shape. Yeah. And it's as you get older, it just good. I mean, you with Dancing with the stars, that's like it's sort of, I'm not saying it's the same equivalent, but it's similar. I absolutely can. It's that practice, practice, practice. And what am I trying to say? The wear and tear on your body. Well, and for me, dancing with the stars was, and, you know, because I'm, you know, like, I'm not like a highly disciplined person. I'm not like a real go-getter. I don't feel that way either. I'm not, I'm not like super competitive. I'm competitive. Once I get into something I want to win. I care. But I, yeah, I care. But I care. But I,

I can't like think that it's, I can't lose perspective. Yeah. I know that this is a game, you know. And but with Dancing with the Stars, that was a job. Yeah. And that's not, I don't fuck around for a job, you know. And that was, and I did have fun and I did like it. And people were following along with you.

You were, you had a lot of people behind you watching you. So it was like a little pressure, but also encouragement. Oh, absolutely. I did, I definitely felt like I was like I had like, I wasn't just in it for myself. Yeah, you were being cheered on. Yeah, I was getting cheered on. on and so I couldn't take my foot off the gas. Yeah.

In as much as my foot could push the gas, you know. But yeah, but I, but definitely it was, it was hard and I was getting, you know, like my knee drained and shit like that. And it was, it took up my life, you know. It was, granted, it was four hours a day, but still, four hours a day is a lot when you got kids and, you know, and podcasts and radio shows. and a partner. And auditions. Yeah, and just a life. And there were so many days where I would do it, then do whatever my, whatever my afternoon thing would be.

And then I would just find myself at home like at dinner time. And usually I'm the cook too, so I wasn't cooking, you know, just sitting on the couch for like 20 minutes staring. Just like a statue, just like, duh. I haven't doing that a lot lately too. staring at a wall. Yeah. Sometimes you got to. Oh, before we get started, well, let me tell you people, because I failed to mention the number is 855-266-2-604.

So if you're listening and you've got a good sports story for us, give us a call. I want to tell you, Beth, her special, if you didn't want me then, is now available on YouTube. It is very, very funny. and you can find her tour dates at beth stelling.com. That's right. Can you think of like, if somebody says, tell me a good sports story. Have you got one?

I mean, my greatest probably sports story is more just about the tale of my high school team. I was one of the two captains with my friend Juliet and my senior year we took our state to team for the, or team to state. I need a nap. You talk for a living, don't you? I know, I think I need a nap.

All right. Well, you can't have one for at least an hour. No, not. Okay, I'm up. I mean, what? Okay, I took my team to state for the first time in 17 years. Oh, wow. So that was a big accomplishment.

And this is where? Pennsylvania is. Southwest Ohio. Ohio, right. I had convinced my, we had a field hockey coach named Melissa Fickert. And she coached my sisters and I knew of her. She was sort of like a legend. and she basically quit by the time I was maybe a sophomore.

So sophomore and junior year, we had stand in coaches just from someone who had worked at University of Dayton and stuff like that. And I missed her and I really wanted her to coach. I asked her to come back and she coached my senior year. Wow. And we went to state. And my coach for the master's program was Stephanie Fee, who's an Olympian in her own right, as a field hockey player right? She said, I should thank Lisa Fickert for teaching me the basics because they served me well since I never played in college. Oh, wow.

Yeah, because I was trying to keep up on a different level. Like, the game has changed so much. I mean, I used to play on grass with a wooden stick. I'm basically a witch. So when I came back to the sport, people were looking at my stick, like, whoa, can I hold that? Well, what are they made up now? It's like fiberglass, Kevlar. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, something. Anyway, so, yeah, it's just like it's not really a story as much it was a triumph. Yeah, yeah. But the sad part, I guess, is that once we got there, we got our butts whooped by Hathaway Brown. You can't beat these private school girls. They're eating together, sleeping together, breathing together. And they're also...

Rich. They're, what do you call it? They're scouted. Yes. Yeah. They're plucked. You guys were bound by geography. They were bound by, you know, money.

Yeah, my sports stories are just about, like, playing football and getting concussions and knowing I was getting concussions and then now going like, yeah, you know what? Football, there's a tinge to football. There's a lot of football. It's like, because I, I, how much should be bigger? I remember the, I remember the specific sensation of hitting the ground, like getting knocked back and hitting the ground so hard that I felt,

and I'm not kidding you, my brain slosh around in my head like jello in a jar. Oh my gosh. I felt it go back and slash forward and go back. And the next thing I knew, I was sitting on the bench. And it was like two plays later. And I had gotten up and walked over there and sat there for two plays, but was gone, you know. Oh, my gosh. So wait, did you play in like junior high high school?

I didn't play beyond my sophomore year because it just I. Affirmation. It was too much. I played tennis and I played baseball, you know, kind of. I played, I played, and I played basketball one year. But at a certain point, I got a job. Because I knew I wasn't, I just didn't have, I didn't have this thing that like, you got to win. I was always kind of like, you know, it'd be nice to win.

Yeah. I mean, I just felt like this isn't where my passion lies. And also, everyone seems so fucking, like such fucking assholes when they get all worked up about this stuff. It's like, Lord of the Flies, you know. Yeah, you have to find the right dynamic. Yeah, yeah. I for sure remember being frustrated by people who either. were whiners or criers or didn't care.

It's like if you don't care at all, get off the field. Right. Oh, I cared, but I just, it wasn't the be all and end all. That's what I'm saying, yes. Like, I remember when I was a sophomore, we were scrimaging the freshmen and one of the guys on the team tackled a freshman, like low, tackled him with his shoulder. And this kid's kneecap was over to the side. Oh, no. And he got up so proud of himself.

Like, yeah, and like other guys on the sophomores, high-fiving them. And it's like, you just hurt someone. You just hurt someone. And he's like 13 or 14 or whatever. It's like, and you're, and I, it's just like, Jesus Christ, guys, what the fuck are the stakes here? I agree. So, yeah. Anybody, I would respect anybody playing their heart out and badly.

Yeah. You know? If you're hearing, and I can tell you're doing your damnedest, then yes, of course. Yeah. I can't be mad at you for that. Anyhow. 855-266-2604. We're going to go to Emma from Laguna Beach.

I bet she's gotten something beachy, some beachy sports. Laguna. Emma, you there? Yeah, hi. Hi, you got me and Beth Stelling. Hey. We want to hear about your sports. Show me your sports.

Well, one of my sports, I play water polo at UCLA and also with Team USA. Wow, that's so cool. I'm a 2028 Olympic hopeful. I hope you, I also hope you get it. I'm hopeful for you. Wait, did you say it 2020? Have I met you, Emma? Yeah.

All right. I know who this is. She's a fan of dancing with the stars and did a video dressed as me. Water polo is you dressed up like Andy? Yeah, our team goes all out on Halloween for weights. And me and my lifting partner were fans of the show. So we were going to dress up as Emma and Andy. That's awesome.

Because I wore knee braces and I always wore a headband because I'm a big head sweater. And just shorts and a T-shirt. So that became dressing it. And there were a lot of people at Halloween going as me, which is a weird thing. I love it. And I'm very grateful to you, Emma. But if people someday start going as Emma for Halloween, you'll see it's weird. I'm sure.

And yeah. And then you guys came to the show, the UCLA, team came to see dancing with the stars. Oh, that's right. And I mean, and water polo, I think of any sport. Like, I think water polo and rugby are the ones where I'm like, damn. How do you do it? How do you do that?

Because water polo just for the cardiovascular fitness that it requires and rugby for the smacking your head into things that it requires and the cardiovascular too. And the pushing them up from their bumps. Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot. there's definitely a lot that happens under the water. Oh my gosh. And you can't really flop and like the game doesn't stop.

You get hit in the face. You get kicked or punched. Like the game does not stop. Yes, I bet. I mean, what happens if there's, do they stop for blood in the water though or no? Once they realize, yes. But sometimes they don't realize right away.

Wow. So you kind of just like go and then if it's really bad, you can swim out. Oh my gosh. Do people, are there certain teams? Is it more like a person-to-person thing of like that's a dirty player or are there teams that are known for being like dirty under the water? What do you call them like geese or something? Yeah.

Kicking under the water but looking smooth on top? Swans. Swans. There's definitely some players for sure that I think have that reputation. I know internationally like the game's way more physical than in college. Okay. A lot of international teams. Like, I think of Greece.

They're a really physical team. Like, you're going to, you got to protect yourself a little bit. Or a cup. But it's kind of part of the sport. What are they doing? Are they kicking you under the water, like kicking you in the gut and stuff? Yeah, I mean, like, if you shoot, like, if I shoot the ball and somebody's, you know, arriving to me, like, they'll just, they'll grab you and pull through and kick off you and they'll sprint, you know, to try and score.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. Using you as a... Yeah, as like a wall. Oh my gosh. Like a springboard, they'll just like try and launch right off you. What's like the dirtiest thing that's ever happened? And I don't mean dirty, dirty, Emma.

I mean dirty. Yeah. I split my head open in practice one time. Just caught an elbow and it was a total accident and like was not intentional. But it just got me right on right above the eyebrow and it split my head. That's how I got. split open too with a field hockey ball. Yeah.

Ditches right there. It's just a bad spot. It bleeds. Bleeds a lot. Yeah. And I bet, and especially you got water. You're bleeding on the forehead. It just gushes.

That sucks because you probably have to wait a while to get back in the water. Yeah. No, I was playing in games three days later with the stitches in. Oh, my God. I had to have, like, my head wrapped with, like, a waterproof gauze. And we had two games, and this was my senior year. and I didn't want to miss any games. So I was like, yep, just wrap me off, waterproof it and hope for the best.

I bet that was attractive, though, having your head wrapped up in waterproof gauze. No. You probably should have had your yearbook photo taken that day. Yeah, it was like I had no eyebrows, just like a black head wrap, and then you have your cap on top of it. Oh, right, cap on top. Yeah, yeah. Everyone was making fun of me the whole time. you guys still, because I know Flav or Flav was like, he heard about you guys in your financial

struggles and then pocket, or what he called it, funded you guys. Yeah, he's still one of our sponsors for the men's and women's teams for through this 2028 cycle for Team USA. And it's just been great to like get water polo out there. I think like he's brought more viewers to the sport and just raised awareness of the sport because it is a super small sport. Like playing professionally, It's not going to, you're not going to make a living off of that long term. Like, I'm going to go play abroad next year and play professionally for a year. And a lot of people do do that, but it's not really something that you can make a living off of. So a lot of people, even when we're training for the Olympics, like some people are, have other jobs and are, or are doing school and focusing on also helping pursue their careers that they're going to have to have.

Yeah. Just because it's a small sport and there is not a ton of funding at this time. It's similar to field hockey a little bit in that way where they get their stipend, but sometimes you can make money in sponsorships. Do you ever, I mean, was there ever? People are starting to do that more and more trying to get sponsorships. Yeah. Was there ever a point where you thought, you know, I'm working so hard, I'm pouring myself into this.

Maybe I should do sport, like say swimming, you know, like that might. lead to something more because, you know, it's, because this is something you really have to love it because it's a lot. I think I was not very good at any other sports. I mean, my parents tell me all the time, like, I was the kid when they threw me in for soccer that would sit and make like flower chains. I wasn't very good. No one thought I was going to be athletic at that point.

Yeah, that's both my daughters. And I like to swim, but I like the team. I like the team sport that Waterpullo has. And yeah, I just love the sport. It's really fun. And I love the people that I play with. So I don't think any other sports are in the cards for me. All right.

Well, I mean, you know, I'm not trying to dissuade you. I just, you know, I worry about your future. No, it is something to think about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, that's why I'm also much older than you. But, like, that is one reason, too. like not as into playing hockey.

It's like, eh, do I need stitches in my head this weekend? Not really. Yeah. Exactly. All right. Well, Emma, thanks for calling in. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. Yeah, it was great to hear from you again.

And I'm sure our paths will cross again. Yeah. You better dress like me for Halloween this year. Yeah, dress like Best Telling. She's like, what's that? I don't know, overalls. All right. Thanks, Emma.

Thank you. All right. Bye. Bye. Good luck. Yeah. I hope she gets on the team. I hope so too.

Next up, Sarah from New Hampshire. Hi, Sarah. Beth and I are here. Hey, Andy. Hey, Beth. How's it going? Good. How are you?

So good. Huge fans of both of you. But Super psych to tell my sports story. Yes. Let's have it. All right. So throwback to high school basketball, senior year, right? I grew up in a tiny town called Hinsdale, right on the border of Vermont and Massachusetts,

in the middle of nowhere. We traveled two to three hours for most of our way games. And, you know, small school, not so good at sports, you know? So we were going to Sennepie for an away game, really rich, nice, beautiful area, so great. And we're probably going to lose, but that's fine. So we traveled to Sennepie, like a regular game, and the JV team plays first. So I'm sitting there supporting the team. And I notice, I hear this like grinding sound like metal on metal, but it was kind of quiet and subtle.

I was like, I wonder what that is, but kind of just, you know, forgot about it and kept going on with the day. So then it's time for the varsity game. I'm starting on the point guard. And so like two minutes in, one of their players scores a thousand points. So big deal, we stop everything. It's fine. We keep going. Then all of a sudden, during the game, I'm guarding the point guard who I have a rivalry with because it's small sports and we see these players over and over.

I'm guarding her at the top of the key. And all of a sudden, I hear like, VALSEN. loudest noise like I've ever probably heard in my life. And I instinctively, in the middle of the game, cover my head and like sprints, like to the sideline. And when I do that, I like look up and I see my parents' faces and they are absolutely horrified by something that's behind me. So I like whip my head around. And as I whip my head around, I see the industrial side ceiling fan from the feeling like one foot, like off of the floor. And then boom, like it hits, obviously. And there were 12 people, like all five players on each team, two rests on that side of the court,

not a single person was hit or touched by it. And then I like came to and I was just like in shock and like I could keep my pants a little bit. I was hugging the other point here that I can't stand because we were in a crisis. Oh my God. Wait. So when you looked up and it was like falling on you? No, I looked so like I heard a loud noise because what happened was it ended up the best part was that it hit it hit like the wire in the ceiling to the sound system.

I see. On the way down. So it made this loud feedback noise, which I, it was so loud that you just kind of ran away from the noise without knowing what it was. And then I happened to just look because my parents, I saw their face. They looked horrified and I turned around. And right where I was standing legit, the top of the key is where the ceiling, I just looked and it was about a foot from hitting the ground.

And it was like this blades were like spinning. Oh, so the blades hit you? No, they didn't hit her. She ran. No, nothing. No, I'm safe. Oh, did you pass out? Is that where you're like, because you said you were out?

No, I just was in shot. I think I was in shock. Okay. I came to like, like I was in shock. I was like one of those moments of like, oh my God, what just happened? Like life or death? And then like the last thing I remember then was like, I was like peed my pants and was like hugging this girl that I can't stand. You know?

Oh my God. That's, yeah, that's. And it was still spinning. I bet I bet someone got in big trouble for that. That's a sort of thing that shouldn't happen in a high school gym. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the fancy school, they're going to grind up some women's basketball players.

And is that what you had heard before? You must have you heard the fan grinding or something or coming loose? Yes. Wow. Yes. And like a lot of people heard it. But like it was before the days of like it was 2007. So like no airfoers or anything.

It was before see something say something. Mm, yes. It was it was just see something in those days. See something shut up. He said hear it and run and run. Oh, my God, narrowly avoided being chopped up. Now, what happens with the rest of the game? Do they clear the, did they go back to playing or does everyone too shook up?

Let's go get Ben and Jerry's. So then basically what happened was we paused and then they checked because it's a fancy school. They had this like electronic lift where they could just go up in the ceiling and like check the other fans. So they did. And then we kept playing. Wow. Around around the. Did you just play around the fan?

Yep. Make it the most dangerous basketball game all the time. And that's how super basketball was invented. That's how chopper basketball. All right, well, I'm glad you're safe, Sarah. Thank you for the call. Thank you. Of course.

Take here, guys. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks. 855-266-2-4 is our number. We're talking sports. I got Beth Stelling. Her special, if you didn't want me then is now. If they don't want me then,

is now available on YouTube. As well as some other ones on there. There's the Landlord Special, and I have a new release called We're looking for people who do huge numbers on social media. There you go. That's the other title.

But wait until we're off the air. Don't go listen to right now. Don't go now. Because James from Michigan is here to tell us a bowling story. James. Hey. Hi.

Hello. What's up? Yeah, a fan of both of you. I can't wait to see Beth in Grand Rapids. Woohoo. Nice. Bowling. my parents both bowled on teams and in grade school we got where we were bowling and I wasn't doing

the best so my dad was helping me learn how to do my form and everything properly and teaching me in the house holding the bowling ball but don't let go of the bowling ball I'm doing a couple times intrusive thoughts one bowling ball straight through the sliding glass door mowled the gate oh my god and this is before tempered glass So it probably shattered everywhere. In the 70s. And horrible nightmare shards. Oh, God, shards that are still around.

No amount of bread is going to get all those shards up. Why was he doing that? Why weren't you in the yard swinging a bowling ball around? Yeah, this is on your pop. It was a wintertime or something? I don't know. It must have been. We were inside.

Yeah, I don't know. Literally. The definition of a young boy is, in fact, intrusive thoughts. Absolutely. And often the little devil wins. That's like what you learn about a little boy. You don't give him a ball and say, stand next to this class.

I'm sorry. It rises above gender. And it's something you learn as a parent. You have to edit like, oh, shit, do I make her slash him aware of this? Or do I just shut up and cross my fingers and hope that they don't? I would have done anything. My daughter, like I get a six-year-old now and she'll take the bait. If I told her like, don't do that.

she would per my my my uh my diagnosed ADHD at the time too yeah no that's always a good help uh my older daughter once i we had a dead squirrel on our pool and uh and i i went and i said she was she was like by the pool and i pulled it out with a net and i said don't get it i'm going to go get the trash can don't touch the squirrel and she just was sitting next to it and i came back and i said did you Did you touch the squirrel? And she went, yes, I did. Yes, I did. I touched the squirrel.

Wouldn't it be amazing if you come back and she's giving it mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions? Or cradling it like a baby. He's back. Yeah. He's alive. It's alive. Can I keep him? I mean, honestly, a squirrel would do that.

The minute she touched it, it was like, resurrected, climbs up a tree, clings to your face. Well, James, are you a good bowler now? Did it pay off? I haven't bowled in decade. Oh, I, I. Oh, dad. I bowled at Highland Park Bowl a couple weeks ago. It was fun. Yeah, bowling is fun.

Yeah, that one I think I was on. The N lane ain't no good. I feel like it's crooked and I blame it. But you know when I, I, because there's that, I think it's on Netflix, there's this documentary series about kind of life on the pro bowling tour. And I had no idea that there are people bowling two-handed. There are professionals bowling two-handed these. I had no idea that was occurring.

I encourage, we brought the kids in a couple, you know, a couple other family friends and their kids. And I was encouraging one of our other friends' kids because she was, she's in that sort of preteen era, like a little embarrassed. Like, I don't know and I'm not good. Right. No one look at me. Yeah.

And I said, do it granny style. I promise. It'll, and then it worked. Yeah, yeah. And she's, you have more control. Perfect. Yeah. All right.

Well, James, thank you so much. My boyfriend's the one who's like spinning it. Bye, James. Bye, bye. Bye. Oh, yeah. He's like spinning it at like 90 miles an hour and sweating during a bowling game. Let's go to Noah from New York.

Noah, hello. Hey, how are you guys? Good. How are you? Beth and I are here to hear you. Yeah. Well, thank you. We're here to listen.

You know, Beth, when you told that story before about the press, because I went to states twice in high school for tennis. Very cool. These private school fox that come out of the womb with their $800 an hour coaches. Exactly. Oh my God. But no, my story's not about that. I played competitive Scrabble when I was a kid.

Cool. And when it's competitive, I'm sure you're going to get to it. Are we talking like, obviously I understand it's a competition. That's where the word comes from. But is there any difference? Like, is there a speed clock? You know what I'm getting at? Yeah, yeah.

They have timers like in chess. Got it. Okay. Yeah, clocks. You know, you chose clock, so. But no, they make it into a big thing. Hasbro's sponsors that they still do it now. It's a good thing.

And they market it as like, you know, child geniuses or something. That's not really what it is. It's just like, you learn the game. You memorize words. It's not a difficult. Cis Anthemum. Well, no, it's more things like quat, QAT, you know. There's all these like gimmicky words that you like.

Yeah, that's an evergreen shrub. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. When you say as a kid, how old are you when you're doing this? I was 13. 13.

13. 13. And were you just really good at Scrabble? I mean, how does this occur to you to do? Were you raised by your grandmother? My mom, you know how your parents just get you into like t-ball when you're a kid and you just end up there? Yeah. And he was like, yeah, you're right.

That was kind of it for a competitor. She noticed I was good at Scrabble and she found like this whole world. of it. She's listening right. I asked if she wanted to come talk with that, but she said she had to pick up the dog or something. I don't know. Not from anywhere, just off the floor. Yeah, just off the floor, repeatedly.

Yeah, anyway, so this big tournament and it's a double tournament, my partner and Isaac, we win the thing because, you know, with a little bit of luck, you're good enough, you can win. Cool. And they say, hey, you're going on Jimmy Kimmel to play him in a

game in a segment. What? Yeah. You know, Dave or Conan available, maybe? No, it was Dave's final week anyway, so I guess we got bumped for like Bob Dylan. I just, you know, fine. Yeah, fucking Bob Dylan.

Hate that guy. Yeah, so we go there and Renna, he considered himself like a Scrabble enthusiast. Like, he thinks he thought he thinks he's really good. He's done it for the past four years, this thing. And Scrabble, if you don't know, with a little bit of luck, an amateur, especially in a few turns, can beat very good players. So it was a five-turn thing.

And we were worried, hey, you know, if we lose, this is pretty embarrassing here. Yeah. So, I mean, the former host of The Man Show beats you. Yeah, it's embarrassing. Oh, my God. That's when you say, hey, this was rigged. I do love him all. I know.

He's actually a dear friend of it. We love Kim Moore. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, he's like, he's, he's, bad. We've given him the ball to save the Republic now, you know? Yeah, yeah. Right. But for the purposes of this story, he's an asshole.

Yeah. Yeah. He's just challenging teens. Yeah, we'll get that a little bit. No, so yeah, and this is like, it's sort of like a lettermanish segment where they cut back to it. They do, you know, do monologue, and then they do the segment for a little. bit, gasped and then segment. So it starts out to say

the bit is like this huge WWE style Scrabble match Grudge match with a comically oversized board, giant tiles and he's playing against children. That's the that's meant to be the absurdity of it.

And with like trash talk. And so we start out, we're crushing him. Just start out. And so he starts resorting to like the the most brutal childish insults. Like, we were up a lot of points, and it was five turns for each player.

And we had done only two turns, and he had done three. And I said, hey, you know, you've gotten one more turn than us, and we're still beating you. And he said, you have a giant pimple on your forehead. It's enormous. No.

Yeah, you did. Chimall. Yeah, I don't know. This is, look, I had acne too. It's so mean. That's too bad. You know, I said, you know, your pictures in high school would probably worse. It seems like, yeah, yeah, they're worse.

Ooh, you said that? Nice comeback. You know, it was funny. I watched it for the first time in years, like a few months back. I found out on like archive.org or something. And I was like, you know what? I did all right. You sure did.

The funny part was. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate that. And the funny part was the insults, like, and he was interviewing Jennifer Connolly in the break. And so they lower the curtain and we're just sitting in darkness. I see on a cue card, I haven't wet my bed in years. Like he couldn't ad lit, ad lit this stuff. He needed cue cards for these insults.

So did you prepare your comeback for that? Did you prepare your comeback for that? I don't know. What's the comeback for that? Well, honestly, to be. fair that could have been a question for a statement to make to Jennifer Connolly. Just like a, you know, a conversation starter. Jennifer, I haven't wet my bed in years.

Jennifer, are you a bed wetter? For Jennifer Connolly. That'd be good. So then, and the last turn, sorry, not to interrupt. Oh, no. No, no, please. Yeah, and the last turn, Jennifer joins in. She's partnering with Jimmy and playing against us.

And he says, this is Jennifer. she is a woman. I don't know if you've ever seen one of them before. Oh, my God. The whole thing was fun. And because, and he was resorting to this stuff because we were just like absolutely destroy. I guess it was embarrassing for him.

But I don't know what he expected. We played this game often. Yeah. Yeah. No doye. And no. So at the end, I mean, I wasn't happy, though, because, you know, it's Jennifer Connelly.

Yes. You should have said, don't ruin my chances. My dad's here, you know. Hey, Bob. Were you there at the time? Were you there last night? We didn't actually, sorry. Yeah, this is his dad.

I had you explained to him who you were. I said you were like Ed McMahon, but for me. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. That's valid. That'll do. We were actually in the green room, so we didn't actually get to see the live performance. I think they wanted to keep the parents out of it. of the equation.

Oh, so you weren't even watching a video feed of what was going on? We did not. No. Wow. We didn't see it live. That seems like a situation ripe for abuse. And it turned out it was. Yeah.

Yeah. It was challenging. But I think, you know, the kids handled themselves pretty well. And I think they were just trying to have a, Jimmy Kimmel was just trying to have fun. I mean, I can tell you the talk show game. They are always, you know, they're trying to make, you know, that you can't just let everything kind of gets pumped up. You know, I'm sure that it like if you'd been on Conan and you were kicking his

ass, he would have probably said some unkind things too, you know, because that's like, that's going to be the bit. Like, oh, it's a kid beating me, so I have to, you know. Exert my manly dominance. You know, I harbor. No, the malice. Yeah. I like Kimmel.

Well, when you were done, was he at least nice to you when he sent you off? Was he grateful for you coming in? Or was he, you know, was he steaming? You didn't talk to us. He didn't talk to us except during the vet. The Yarrow came in and said, Guillermo's very sweet, cuddly, and warm. Yeah.

We met Judd Apatow backstage too. He was promoting a book that I've read since. Oh. Ooh, what book was it? Sick in the head. The stick in the head, you know that one? Yes. We interviews all the comedians.

Yeah, I have it. I think there's a stick in the head too. Oh. I haven't read either. Oh. Well, and now tell us that you're a millionaire because of your scrabble skills. No. In fact, shockingly.

Oh. They did that. They gave us $10,000. Well, that's pretty nice. Wow. Wow. Wow. That's a shocking amount of money.

I've never seen the money. I don't know where I would what happened to it. Do you put it in the college fund? Did that what happened? We put it in your college fund. Yeah. Oh, good. I'll have that go.

But went pretty well, actually. Nice. What college did you go to? It's a complicated. I dropped out at first to come to a programmer. Oh, cool. And then some bumps in the road. I had a drug problem.

But then I, But then I went to rehab. And now I'm at University at Albany. Oh. And I got straight Aces semester. Awesome. Congratulations. Way to freaking go, Noah.

Thank you, Willa. Nice work. That's amazing. We hear these stories of former child scrabble players. They get into drugs. Of course. You're looking for the same rush of spelling cumquot. The eyes and the lows.

Exactly. You're trying to redo that. I mean, no one would blame you. Yeah. Yeah. No one can. All right. Well, Noah, thank you so much for the call. Yeah, and thanks for being so forthcoming. It was nice to get to know you. And I think it's amazing what you're up to and I've accomplished way to go on the straight age.

Well, thank you so much. I love you guys. I love you back. Thank you, Noah. All right. See you, Noah. Bye-bye. $10,000's a lot. I actually, you know, Jimmy Kimmel is a dear friend of mine. And one of the first times that I really hung out with him, was at a charity Scrabble tournament.

He's loving spelling. And I played him in the finals for the championship. And he was really good. He's a very good scrabble player. And that was during. But did you win? No, he won. He won.

Did you say you've got a big pimple on your face? No, I did not. Oh, you'd known. But it was at this really weird. Like, I think it's like a very much photographed Hollywood house that is owned by a guy, and you'll know who I mean. There's a guy with long gray hair who wears leather jackets and he's at ringside at NBA games. He owns this house. If you saw him, you'd know who it was.

But then some people will know who I'm talking about. There he is. That's the guy. And his house is like, it looks like. I'm scared. It looks like a Paul Verhoeven movie. It looks like a Robo Cop house. And everything is like built in in cement.

And it has, yeah, it's like all glass and different sort of panels. But like lots of gray leather, like very weird. Like James Kahn's jacket in the all gray leather. Yeah, it was very weird. And one can imagine, oh, we're looking, they brought up pictures of it. There's a tennis court on a top. But anyway, Jimmy and I, that was where Jimmy and I sort of started to be friends. Because especially back in those days, there was not the collegial atmosphere among talk show hosts that there is today.

It was kind of a little competitive where it's like you're on that team and we're on this team and we're, you know, fighting. And then things changed and they realized that was ridiculous. And then they led in two jimmies. Yeah. And then a third jimmie. There's too many jimmies. So they're going to have to calm down. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly. No whims. For women. Yep. That's, I know. I know what you meant. John from Massachusetts, you're on with me and Beth. What's up, dude?

Hey, Andy. Hey, Beth. Hi. So here's a story for you. Our senior year of high school, our lacrosse team, we switched practice fields. and now we were going to be closer to the varsity girls softball team. Ooh, la la. It was nice.

So one of the days we were starting practice, we were doing our warm-ups, you know, the stretching and line drills and whatnot. And we see the softball coach starting to drag out a slip and slide with a hose. Okay. Apparently learn to slide or practice your sliding day for the girl softball team. So we're trying to do our drills as the coach is hosing down all of the, the girls' softball players as they're sliding and, you know, getting wet and whatnot. So we were all pretty distracted during that practice. Those uniforms do tend to be white.

Oh, that's hilarious. There were some pretty good-looking girls on that team, and, you know, it wasn't a wet t-shirt contest level of, you know, getting wet, but they were appropriately dressed, but it was still a fun day for all of us, guys. I also think, I also question the methodology. I don't think that's a good teaching technique. No, it makes it seem like it's way too easy. Yeah, you're going to hurt yourself.

Yeah, you've got to kind of have a sense of that, yeah, when you slide, it's the ground and it's dirt. It's not wet. It ain't fun, yeah. No. I don't know, maybe he was trying to, you know, lull them into like a false sense of security that, oh, yeah, it's fun to slide. Oh, my God, my hip is shredded. Yeah, I was going to say it's not. It's an absolute opposite.

It's terrible. It was fun for us. It's like using sand for lube. Right, right. Better not. And that is not good. No, I've tried it. All right, well, John, thank you.

I mean, I'm glad you've got to purve out. Memory. All right. Talk to you later. Oh, my goodness. We did forget to ask if the coach was male or female. We did forget about that. And did they turn it into a calendar.

I remember once. we had a basketball well he was a football coach too he was and and I liked him but he was he looked as much like like if you were casting a caveman

he would have been he was a very thick muscular but also talk real slow kind of like this and he he was sitting and I was sitting I think I was it was basketball season I was sitting getting ready for practice

and he was In fact, it was because he was our sophomore coach. And we were sitting on the bottom rung of the bleachers. I was putting on my shoes and socks, getting ready for practice. And we're watching the cheerleaders. And they are doing a pyramid in front of us, but facing away from us. So it was a very distracting. Revealing view of.

You're seeing bloomers. Yes. And they were in shorts too, because they weren't wearing. their uniforms. This is practice. And I just hear from him sitting over there. And he's, you know, he's, I don't know, he's probably 30. I hear, I just hear, what a dragon is getting old. As he's looking at lined up teenage butts. Oh, God. He's basically zazzo. Nobody knows the trouble I see.

All right. Let's go to Sean from D.C. what's up Sean you there hello hello hi Sean you there I am here how are you I'm good you got me and Beth what do you what do you want to tell us uh I want to tell you a funny story uh about when I was a kid because I am not a 2028 Olympian hopeful okay uh when I was kind of good at baseball and I got to the point where I was trying out for literally although my kind of so like the Babe Ruth League. And it was during those tryouts that I found out that I needed glasses. So the first thing you do, you know, you go into batting cage, you try to hit the ball.

And I was like sort of missing it, but I was, you know, coming close enough. And I just left that cage. I remember thinking like, man, something is off with me. You know, I just can't like figure out how to hit a ball. And I was, you know, I knew I could do this. And so then the second thing is, you know, they throw like, you know, they throw the ball at you. They throw rounders. They throw high pops at you.

And for the love of God, I could not see any of the balls until it was like, within like five feet of me. Yeah. So it was basically just like me trying to like not die. Yeah, reacting. Yeah. The funny part was. And then so the coach he was throwing at me was actually he coached me and like

he coached me and like he knew that I was good. So every time he throw a ball at me and he would like look over at my dad and be like, Danny, is this okay? And my dad's looking at me like I got three heads because he doesn't know what's going on either. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You dad's like, I don't know that kid.

after about five more of hop-ups. They just stopped and they said, I think we're good on here. And then I went to like the eye doctor the next day and I found out that I actually needed glasses pretty badly. I remember the eye doctor being like shocked and probably a little stunned that I've been playing baseball without glasses. Wow. The day before. Yeah. Because when he found out why I was at the eye doctor, he kind of gave me one of those looks that was sort of like, wait, what?

He's like, that's why your eyes black. Now, when the drive home is your dad saying, like you might need glasses. You're probably like... My dad did wear glasses. So it did sort of dawn on us that was probably going to happen at some point. Yeah. It was just the timing of it.

I was like 11 at that point too. So it was just a little later, I think, than probably my parents had expected. They certainly didn't expect it to happen as many falls from being thrown in my face. And you never noticed like from reading or anything. It was just, it was you were far-sided or near-sighted or whichever one on it. Yeah, I'm far-sided. Yes.

And to this day, like, I can probably get. around without my glasses and now contact. Yeah. But I certainly cannot play baseball. Right, right. Without those. Although it is, it's exciting to watch. It's exciting to watch somebody who can't see on the outfield.

Well, I was about to say, I'm sure the other father is having a fun time watching me. Kind of like my life. I'm just picturing like a Jerry Lewis bit. Like, you know, as it comes closer. I will say that I have a very specific image of like, the pop-up being thrown at me. Yeah. That was like, you know, the ball goes way up in the air and you're just waiting for it.

And I do have a very vivid memory of like, I just hope this ball doesn't land on my head. Yeah. That'll in my face. That's going to leave a mark. Yeah. All right, Sean. Yeah. And then just, oh, yeah.

Oh, go ahead. If you, no, it's continue. What were you going to say? Oh, well, I'm going to say the second part of the story, which is probably some trauma is that I've got glasses. And then like two weeks later, I have glasses in my Lili team at the end of a practice. for all being like little shits, which is kind of funny because you were just talking about this, the last caller.

And we're doing head first slides like end practice. Yeah. And I'm not the most graceful person. So I just went head first and broke my glasses. Oh, no. Wow. And my dad did not like that as much as the other part. Yeah.

So he was not thrilled with that. And of course, that was like, you know, I'm 11 years old. I'm just trying. Yeah, you're like, I'm new to seeing, dad. Take it easy. I'm not going to tell the coach, no. you know, and this is, I must protect my eyewear. It was not the coach.

That's why we got in trouble. The coach was actually telling us not to do it. Oh, well, that's, you left that out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I was saying we were being little shit. I thought I was. You did say that. You did say that.

And the coach did say he's like, you guys are not ready to head first slide. And I actually don't know if that was what the water slide was for, what that last time I was talking about. But you are not supposed to head first flight if you do not know how to do that. Yeah, yeah. We're still not sure if that was a perv move or not. Yeah, yeah.

That could have just been... It could have been actionable. I was nothing to do with coaching. It's different when it's from the coach. If it's kid on kid, I used to... We used to drive home from field hockey practice. Well, my friend Lindsay would drive me home. And I would put my whole body out the window

and scream at the football practice. Like, number eight is hot. You know, or number eight is great. I would say, like, I got a crush on whatever. Yeah, yeah. Scream things until the coach came up to me at school and said, no more yelling at practice. Yeah. You seem desperate.

Yeah. It's not a good look. They probably didn't use. You trying to go to homecoming or what? Probably didn't use the phrase thirsty, but it felt thirsty. Yeah, looking thirsty, stalling. Get back in the car. Get back in the car.

All right, Sean. Thanks for the call. Thank you. Hi, Sean. All right. We got time for one more. And it's Jason from Lagoono Beach who we talked to last time about that. Remember the story about the actor and he was the bartender at the story?

Yes. Really? Yeah. You have such a good memory. That was me. Hi. Hi, Jason. Hi, Jason.

I love Beth. Hi, Andy. Hi, Beth. I love you guys. You're great. I talked to Beth on an Instagram page. It's really good. He's always supportive of me.

Oh, I see. Really supportive. I am. Yeah. So he's a plant is what you're saying. This is an industry plant. I see. No, no, no.

I'm just an appreciator. I appreciate her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't blame you. I do too. That's a lame-out special. I loved it. Thanks so much, Jason. Sure, sure. So, yeah, so this story was really funny. I thought, too, I went to prep school on East Coast,

Williston in East Hampton, Massachusetts, and I decided to go on the swim team, and I got there because you had to do sports. My father had gone to the same school. My father was an all-American swimmer. He was a top-10 swimmer, very, very good. So they figure, oh, this kid must be good. He's his son. So they're like, okay, I was a strong swimmer, but not really, fast. So they're like, and I couldn't do flip turns. So my coach looks at me and he goes, you know what? We're going to put you in the

500 yards. You can do 20 laps of the pool. And I'm like, okay. So I remember we had a home match and the half the school comes out and they're staring at me as I'm in this pool. I'm out there my little speedo. I was going to say Speedo style. Sure. Speedo of 14, what every kid wants. And I had red hair

then. So red hair pimples, I'm in a speedo. And I'm on the blocks. I'm terrified. My heart's pounding. Of course. And their adrenaline's going. And everyone's screaming. And I'm like, okay, and go. The gun goes off.

And I jump in. I go like a bat out of hell. I'm swimming like 100 miles an hour. My friend later said, boy, everyone thought, what a champ. This kid's going to win. Look at them go. And all these other kids were excellent swimmers in the East Coast, all prep school swimmers.

They all new flip turns, of course, and they swim very well. I swim about four lengths of the pool. I completely run out of breath. My coach has to come over, drag me out of the pool. And I was done. And then I remember, everyone's looking at me like, Jesus, what's wrong with this kid? And my coach looks at me and he goes, you know, you should take some yoga. Might help you with your breathing.

What? I thought to me. That's what he told me. That's such a random thing. Yeah, it was very random. And I remember thinking to myself, no, you should teach me flip turns. Yes. I'm a swimmer.

And I was flipping around and everyone else is doing cool flip turns. And I'm out there trying to like it. the pool. And I said, and everyone can see me lose for 10 minutes straight because it's a 500 yard swim. Right. So thanks a lot for that. Yeah. He threw you in the deep end figuratively. Yeah. And they should have had me just do something else like a 50 yard because you're losing like, you know, 30 seconds or a minute. Sure. Yes. So I quit the swim team. Yeah, I quit the swim team and I joined the water polo team later. And I'm like, well, at least that I don't have to swim fast. I can just scully. Right. And I can just do that. Is that what is that treading water? Is that, is

Scully? Is that what that is, treading water? That's what they called it in water pole. It's called Scully. Yeah, yeah. And you can't touch the bottom of the pool. You can't go scully the whole time. And you just sort of swim around in an area. So that was a little easier. But weren't people kicking you underwater?

Yeah, people, I wore two speedos because people grab your suits and they scratch you. I heard the earlier call. It's pretty violent. I get scratched. And the worst is for girls because it was Coed. And the girls were like getting like guys are grabbing their butt and stuff. What? My God.

Water? Polo, that's insane. I didn't even know that exists. You're going to get punched in the tit. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like a you porn search. It was a thrill.

Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a porn hub thing. I was real, though. I was real. It was co-ed. It was crazy. And I'm like, I can't talk to girls, but why I can swim with them in their bathing suits.

That's cool. That is true. That was fun. Yeah. I stuck out of four years. They may be co-capped. Nice. All right.

Well, Jason, thank you for the call. It's good to hear from you again. Thanks, Beth. Yeah, good to hear from you, Jason. All right, have a great day. Bye, bye now. You bet. Yeah, I can never do water polo.

Yeah, no, water polo, I get tired just hearing about it. Absolutely. And the violence effects. I'm not a good swimmer. I'm not a good swimmer. I never. I would be so pissed if someone punched me in the tit and I couldn't get them back right away. And I'm not, and I was never that good.

Like, when I played basketball, like, there was a kid that would just elbow you. Like, you know, because I was a low post and. Just elbow is, you know, just elbow, elbow, elbow. And I could never, I just didn't have it in me to get back, you know. If I, for me, it's don't start shit. There won't be no shit. Yeah. I'm not starting the shit talking, but if you do it to me, I'm coming for you.

Yeah, yeah. And you're a wit. So they better watch it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Beth, we usually pick a favorite. Oh, my gosh. Gosh.

There was a lot of great stories. Well, I mean, we got to give Emma some dude because she's an actual Olympic hopeful. Yeah, we're hopeful. She'll make it. Fingers crossed. I mean, Sarah's story was wild with the fan. The fan, I got to go with that because that's the most cinematic. I'm voting.

My vote is more for like Noah from New York with the Scrabble Jimmy Kimmel thing. Although, you know, he was like, is this a sport? I mean, it was competitive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It falls in the competitive area. It's sporting enough. I mean, come on. What is it?

But yeah, the fan, it's reminding me of like an action. movie. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, we're not picking one this week. Sue me. Yeah, exactly. We can't. We're all winners. Everybody wins. And we're all losers. It's beautiful. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna find retribution for Noah. Again, Beth Special is on YouTube if you didn't want me then and she's got a bunch of stuff there. And go to bestselling.com and go see her live because she's really, really funny. I'd love to have you. And that's it. I'll be back next week. Oh, no, I won't. I'm sorry. I will be out of town shooting game shows next week. But I'll be back the week after that.

And we'll have more of this for you. Thank you, Beth. Thanks for having me. Love you back. And keep listening to more Conan stop.