The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Bob the Drag Queen

Episode Date: June 10, 2025

This is a hilarious and freewheeling episode of The Three Questions! Drag queen, comedian, actor, author, and musician Bob the Drag Queen joins Andy Richter to discuss his experience on the reality competition show "Traitors," whether Andy would make a good drag queen, the ethics of pranking, his new book "Harriet Tubman: Live in Concert," and much more.Do you want to talk to Andy live on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio? Tell us your favorite dinner party story - leave a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER. Listen to "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" every Wednesday at 1pm Pacific on SiriusXM's Conan O'Brien Channel.

Hey everybody, welcome back to The Three Questions. I'm your host Andy Richter and today I'm lucky enough to be talking to Bob the Drag Queen. Bob the Drag Queen is a drag queen, coincidentally. Comedian, actor, activist, and musician. He co-hosts the podcast Sibling Rivalry. His novel, Harriet Tubman Live in Concert is out now. And here's my wonderful, meandering, fantastic conversation with Bob the Drag Queen. That's all right. It's good that we start the proceedings by sharing some chips. Some island-style chips. I'm a big fan of chips. Me too.

Well, I'm torn between my favorite snack being potato chips and gummies. It's really hard. They're so disparate. Right, right. Obviously you have savory. You don't need me to tell you what chips. Have you ever heard of chips?

You ever heard of chips, Andy? What is this chips you speak of? But I love sour cream and cheddar ruffles. I love chili cheese Fritos. Oh my God, Fritos alone are not, in my opinion, not great. No, and you know the problem with Fritos? What's that? Is that, and you can, it's a chicken or egg.

They smell like feet or feet smell like Fritos? Yeah, I think feet, I think Fritos smell a little bit like feet, and you have to kind of just get in, you have to just be like, it is what it is. Right, right, right. It is what it is. Believe me, there's all kinds of things that don't smell good that I'm like,

well, that's part of what's good about it. And then they smell good and they don't taste good. Like, as a kid, I found out the hard way, you're not supposed to drink vanilla extract. Had a little buzz. Had a little baby buzz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, this smells like it would taste delicious.

No. I was wasted. Did you drink a lot of it though? Because it can't taste very good. I would, so I just, I just went for it. Chugged it. I've never been like, I don't really sip. I'm not like a, you know, an ophile with the wine.

I'm like, I'm not swishing it around getting notes of oak and stuff. I just take it to the head. I took it to the head like Capri Sun. Sure, sure. Just like, you know. Oh wow. And I got a little buzz. How old were you?

Maybe like seven or six years old. I also experimented with eating flour at that time. And I think I was honestly doing it as more of a party trick to be like, I could eat a handful of flour. Right, right. And people would gag. My brother shouldn't, he wouldn't wanna hear me say this,

but my brother used to, it's his part, he would eat dog food. The dry kibble. Yeah, yeah. He'd probably kill me. Well, but I mean, no, I don't think that's that uncommon though. And it is not, it's kinda like, you know, whatever.

It is what it is. But people would be like, oh my God! It's omnivore food. It just, you know, my grandfather once, he was a hilarious man, gave me a dog biscuit as a cookie. Oh my God. And then like laughed and laughed. And even as a child, and I was probably six or seven,

I was like, this is supremely fucked up Like what do you do it like and it's and it's it's also just like also informed my General feeling about pranking. Do you like the prank? I hate it. Oh, no I mean, I mean, I mean No, no, no, no, no jump scare you. No, like, if it's, you know, there's the classic George Clooney taking a shit in a kitty litter box to make someone think that they're cat. Took a giant shit.

Yeah, did you ever hear that one? I know it, but it sounds insane. And he had a roommate, or he was living, I think it was Richard Kind, in fact. And he was taking the cat's poop and hiding it. So Richard Kine thought his cat was constipated. And then one day George Clooney took a human shit in the cat box and Richard Kine was like, oh my God.

So how do you feel about that prank? That's fine. So it's when it's like, this dumb ass doesn't know that we had this elaborate thing around them. Especially when you were a child, too. Yeah. So I'm going to tell you a prank the guy played on me. I thought it was quite brilliant.

And you tell me how you feel about this prank, okay? Okay. I used to work at Ruby Tuesday when I was in college. And you know, restaurants haze. It's part of restauranting. They haze in restaurants. Yes. I worked in restaurants, so yeah, I know.

So one day I was there and then the manager on shift she She goes always your first year if we're gonna give you these they only my first year But we do I've been there for a while. She had it was around Christmas. I can I remember she had these candied Walnuts. Yeah that were like you could tell they'd be like deep-fried and tossed in like sugar and cinnamon Yeah, and she offered them to me and I took a bite and she goes, do you want some of these candy waffles? I said, yeah, everyone's eating them. I saw everyone eating them.

So I picked one up and I took a bite out of it. I took the whole thing in my mouth and I just started chewing it. And then as I took my first bite, she goes, it was my grandmother's recipe. It's the last thing she gave me before she passed away. And I'm chewing it and it was horrible. It was God awful.

And I'm like choking it down, but I can't because it's her grandmother's. I was like, oh, I said, that's amazing. And I'm like choking it down, but I can't, because it's her grandmother's. I was like, oh, I said, that's amazing. And I swallowed it down and she goes, would you like some more? And I was like, I would love more of your grandmother's candied walnuts. They were so good.

And I am eating them and everyone around me is laughing. And what she had done was she had chopped up an avocado pit, deep fried it, tossed it in cinnamon and sugar, and it was disgusting. And obviously it was not her grandmother's recipe. But the trick is to make you feel bad so that you'll eat these disgusting things and see how many you'll eat before you're just like, I'm...

You're probably like, oh, that's enough. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, grandma. So how do you go about that prank? That doesn't bother me so much because also too, when it's just kind of one-on-one, it's not such a big deal. The whole crew is there, everyone on shift, all the waiters.

They gathered around to watch me eat the avocado pit. I think she had gotten everyone individually and I was the last one. I was like the last one to eat it. See, that for some reason doesn't bother me so much, but it is like when you prank a child, like, you know, when it's just there is something about exploiting the gullibility of someone's goodwill. Yeah.

You know, there is a bit of it like, oh, that's not fair. But then, you know, I guess it is a case by case basis. How many kids do you have? I have three. You never prank them? Well, I mean, hiding around a corner and going boo, you know. You've become your grandfather. You've become your trauma, this is crazy.

No, but hiding around a corner and going boo is like sort of a game. Yeah, for sure. You know, like with the five-year-old that will do, there's like times when you get her too good and then it's like, yeah, like that's not funny. My brother spent a majority of my childhood hiding behind things, jumping out and scaring me.

It was a big part of my childhood. So I'm actually kind of immune to it. It is really hard to startle me with a loud noise. Really? It's almost impossible. I'm not saying it's impossible. Cause you've just been beaten down. I've been, yeah, but you know what,

every time when I turn around and someone's just standing there. Yeah. Like, if you were not there before, and I turned around and you're standing there, that will scare me every time. I will there, oftentimes, there's one lady in my building, and the elevator doors were open, and it's always her, and I jump, and I scream every single time.

And I think she thinks I'm doing a bit. Like, one day she was like, oh, OK. Come on. And I was like, no, I'm literally, I get startled when people are just all of a sudden appearing out of nowhere. Now are your reactions, are they understated or are they LaCajou fall kind of, you know? It's very over the top, very Nathan Lane

in the birdcage, it's very, very over the top. And like, but also I think I may have gotten this from my mother, because my mother, she was, she would, we would hear her like yelling or screaming, not yell, like screaming. For into the room. And then we'd come and see what it was and it would be, she would be like, oh, I was looking for this pencil.

Like it'd be, she'd be like, ah! And I come like, what? She like, oh my God, I found the pencil I was looking for. So I do that a lot. Like I'll be on my phone like, oh my God! And I come like, what? She like, oh my God, I found the pills I was looking for. So I do that a lot. Like I'll be on my phone like, oh my God! And my boyfriend like, what? And I'll be like, oh my God, this dress is so cute. What a cute dress.

I'm not particularly understated. That's like just instinctual pranking. That's, you know, let's take it. My body doing on its own. It's like farting. It's involved It's an involuntary frankly now not to be real too far back But I do want to say because I know people are on edge right now the gummy snack that I love. Yes. Yes, right They're like sour gummies. My wife loves sour and I just can't get where she's from. She's from

Here she's from Whittier and La Habra. Where you from? I'm from Illinois. Illinois, okay. Midwest, born in Michigan, Illinois mostly. You don't have the Midwest accent? Sometimes. Oh yeah, for sure. I'm obsessed with it. Oh yeah, well that's actually, Chicago is more like this. It's a different kind of thing.

Whereas you get to Wisconsin and that's when it starts to get a little more like Fargo or you know. Do you know the comedian Mateo Lane? I do. He has a very wonderful gay Chicago accent and he always says horrible. I love it. He goes, oh my God, it's horrible. Horrible.

It's horrible. But I love a sour gummy, but there are gummies I do not like and I don't understand how people are eating Haribo gummies. Like this gummy bites back. Like you can chip a tooth eating a Haribo gummy. They're so dense. They're so tough. It feels like chewing on an eraser. And who knows how long they've been in existence. Truly.

Like they could have, you know, been in a container. Something about the gold package of a Haribo gummy, it gives off the same vibe as the brown Listerine. Yeah, yeah. Like it's like this is for old people. A young hip people. But gold is supposed to mean classy. I know, but it doesn't anymore.

The ultimate gummy and thank me later if you're listening. The ultimate gummy is Albanese gummy bears. The world's finest gummies. I'm telling you right now, you'll thank me later. You'll say, Bob recommended these. They should give me, I should get a deal with them. It's like, they're amazing gummy bears. Albanese, you're all welcome.

You can thank me later. All right, I'll check it out. I mean, I'm not a huge gummy fan, although just recently my older daughter, my 19 year old, introduced me to, there's a Swedish candy store on Ventura Boulevard in North Hollywood that's all bins, you know, like a bulk candy kind of thing. And it's all these different Swedish candies, most of which are gummies.

And there are a couple of them, there are some that are like the kind of the classic Swedish berry. Yeah. Very intensely flavored. Fantastic. I'm going to give you, I'm going to say something. It is a compliment. Okay.

You've been told you have a boyish face your whole life. Yes, absolutely. You have man hands. You have big, meaty, Christmas hands. That is true. Like a catcher's mitt of a hand. I was like, Jesus Christ. Men that were raised in a hostile fighting environment are always envious of my hands.

Like Colin Quinn, the comedian Colin Quinn, every time I'm around him, he's like, oh my God, what I could have done with those shovels. Can I shake your hand? Just in terms of like punching people Y'all, because you know how tall are you? 6'1 We're I'm 6'2. These y'all if those they are I mean it feels like I'm holding like a small child in my hand They're gigantic hands. They're yeah.

How big is your ring? This one is like about I think it's like a 15. And it's a little small. You had to struggle to get it off. Yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. And y'all, I have big hands.

Yeah. Twinks would love you. Well, who says they don't? If you're a twink looking to get choked out, come to the three questions If you're a twink looking to get choked out, come to the three questions. I have always been like inelegant proportions, shall we say. And it also doesn't matter. I would like to be 30 or 40 pounds lighter than I am now.

But even so, even when I've been more weight know, like more weight that I'm like, okay, this is good. Yeah. I still watches don't fit me. Yeah. Rings don't fit me. Hats don't fit me. I have like a size eight and maybe a little more head.

Are people shocked that you are as large as you are? Yes. Because you're, because you, I think it's because of the boyish face. You have a very boyish face. So you... It's packed with Satan. Stay young forever. And also, Conan O'Brien is a giant.

Yes, he's tall. He's like, he's like, he's very noodly. He looks like a Tim Burton character. And it's also because people are used to sort of the comedy duo contrast. So it was like tall and skinny and then short and squat, you know. It's also because people are used to sort of the comedy duo contrast. Yeah. So it was like tall and skinny and then short and squat, you know? But I'm not really short. It's just that he's very tall.

So yeah, no, I spent my whole life being too big for things. Yeah. Being too big for like the first year of football in high school, they didn't have a helmet that fit me. So I had to wear a helmet that was an instant migraine. And so the entire, and I quit after my sophomore year. And I think that that was like part of it was just, it was so uncomfortable, but I had a splitting head.

Like, and whenever I played football, I had a splitting headache because there was no football helmet to fit me. You don't strike me as a football player. Uh, yeah, it didn't work for me very well. I didn't have the Lord of the Flies kind of, I don't see you. Now it's time to switch into murder.

Why don't you use the coaster? Because I don't care. Like this is such a straight man. Like, there's like 80,000 coasters on the house. I was like, I need to use the coaster. No, because honestly, A, the coasters on the... I was like, how do you think it goes there? Honestly, A, the glass is dry, then I can put it on the paper.

And also I'm afraid I'm gonna not pay attention and I'm gonna miss the coaster and tip the glass. You know, $2,000 is off the chart. There is some thought. Don't listen, you know, put it back. Don't let me bully you. This is your space. There is some thought that goes into this.

Everything I do is thought out except my wardrobe. That's just toddler play clothes. Would you ever do one of those reality TV shows like The Traders or something? I've done. I did one. In fact, I want to talk about Traders because, well, I did one, and in fact, I wanna talk about traders because, well, I'll tell my experience. I did one called Stars on Mars, which was a- I'm listening.

That was a Fox summer reality show. And the concept behind it was, what if we had the technology to put a habitat on Mars and then filled it with random famous people? if we had the technology to put a habitat on Mars and then filled it with random famous people. Like none of them too famous, but you know. I know. Famous people were like, do I know you? Well, like it was like, oh, I mean,

they were notable people, but just a weird mixed bag. Like me, football player, Marshawn Lynch, who's hilarious, Lance Armstrong, the Olympic bicyclist, Ariel Winter from Modern Family, Rhonda Rousey, the MMA fighter. I think it was supposed to be, it was like one of those things that was gonna be like, this is gonna be, and then it wasn't.

It's giving in the year 2000. Yeah, yeah. It's very much giving that. And then my favorite, my tenace, Adam Ripon, the Olympic skater, and Portia from Real Housewives of Atlanta. He's gay, right? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, very. We're outing him. He wasn't out yet. Well, his husband knows it. Out of it. So that's what's really important. Exactly. But they were like, you know, like my pals on the show.

And thank God I did have pals. Was it competitive? It was competitive and I was really, you know, I went into this thing thinking, and I mean, the whole point of it was, you know, like we dressed up in fucking spacesuits. Yeah, sounds insane. And went out and did like challenges and things. And, you know, and the, the, the stakes on every challenge was you must untangle these cables, uh, before the sun spots hit and you all die. Like,

it was always like, you're all going to die. That's how reality TV shows are. Which is why I can't watch the Great British Breaking show because of this. The stakes are too low. Which one? The Great British Breaking, the Great British Break Off is too, the stakes are too low. I like it. The British Bake Off. Oh, oh. The stakes are too low. I like it. Brits don't have that like...

I know. Americans will turn anything that... Right, and they're not cunty. Oh, not that. They are like... And that's what I like about it. I do like, I do enjoy watching people be nice to each other, depending on the circumstances. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

You know what I mean? You would do... I think you would do well in the Traders Castle. I think you would be a good, I think you'd be a good trader because you have, your vibe is nice guy. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I feel like you're one of those celebrities people are like,

Oh my God, Andy Richter. Oh, I know, he was so nice, like a nice guy. See, I don't, and this is what I wanted to talk to you about Traders because I do love Traders and Traders is one of those shows that I do watch. And when you were on, I was first of all, so happy to see you on, because I am a fan and I watched your season. I'm not a huge drag race fan,

but I watched occasional seasons here and there. And I loved you so much. Thank you. Because you're, you know, it's like being a a comedy person, like, there's a lot of drag performers who are funny, but they're not like comedians. Like joke writers. Yeah, I've been doing stand-up for, since 2009. Don't make me do math.

What is that, 16 years? So I've been doing stand-up for 16 years now, which a lot of people don't, but I have become more famous as a reality TV personality. And I am honestly- Take whatever you can get, you know what I'm saying? Honestly, I am a comedian who just ended up doing reality TV. But I think some people forget that I am.

Like one of my co-stars actually tweeted this season, she goes, they should cast a stand-up comedian. Oh my God, those round tables would be hilarious. I was like, bitch, what the fuck did you think I was doing there? Like, I am, I have three comedy specials, girl. I'm a stand-up comedian. And she was, I think she tried to backtrack.

She's like, no, I mean, you're so much more than that. I'm like, okay, yes, sure. But I was like, but people forget that I am actually a stand-up comedian. I got my start at the New York Comedy Club over on the East Side. Was it always in drag? Yeah, it started in drag.

I don't always do it in drag. So if I'm doing my own show, I do it in drag, but if I'm opening for someone else or if I'm doing a set at a friend show, I do not get in drag for that. Too much work? It is, for 10 minutes, for 15 to 20 minutes. I can imagine. For me, it's not worth it.

And also my jokes aren't about, my jokes aren't about that I'm a man in a dress. The jokes not like, get it, you know what I mean? Don't wear the dress, I got a penis under here. Literally, yeah. My jokes are more about like the world than observation, like, you know, politics, my family, being a queer person, those are what my jokes are.

So I can tell my jokes in or out of drag and they work just as fine. Yeah, no, and that's what I mean. I could tell, like I could sense just the kinship of joke writer. Like that guy's, he's funny. Thank you. And you know, and some of the contestants on Drag Race,

you just drag them, your heart breaks because you're just like, oh my God, And some of the contestants on Drag Race, you just, your heart breaks because you're just like, oh my God, they're like, they don't know what's happening. Well, Drag Race, I'm gonna say it out right now, Drag Race is the hardest reality TV show to win. I can imagine. It is four shows rolled into one.

It is modeling, so yeah, American Next Top Model. It's sewing, so you have Project Runway. It is singing, so you have American Idol slash X Factor. It is joke writing, so you have Last Comic Standing. It is dancing, so you think you can dance. It is all these things rolled into one competition. I'm telling you, it is the hardest reality TV show to win on the planet.

Absolutely. And it's in an atmosphere where every contestant is issued a razor blade. Yes. You know, and encouraged to use it. Exactly. Yeah. And the thing about it that always, I just am amazed,

is that you get the gut punch of being in the bottom two and now go out there and, you know, add lib of a big fucking dance performance. Well, the real gag is this. When you're sitting there and it's really interesting because when you're out in the world, people will say, time has come to lip sync for your life. And when you're there, it is not funny. I can't imagine. Like when she says for your life, you think you might die. It feels so entire. Yeah. Yeah. I had to lip sync on the show and what makes it really scary is RuPaul, I can't imagine. Like when she says, for your life, you think you might die. It feels so entire. Yeah, yeah.

I had to lip sync on the show and what makes it really scary is, RuPaul is sitting behind the table and then they play the song once just for, just for, to test the audio. And then she listens to it. And then the music turns off. And then she looks at you and she goes,

this time is for real. And your heart just sinks into your chest. And then you have to like, you know, battle for your life while coming up with a lip sync slash dance performance that could be comedy based or you have to tug at heartstrings. So you don't even know the song until... No, you know the song.

Oh, you do know the song. So when you get there, they give you an iPod touch. Remember that? No shit, really? Back in my day. Are they still giving iPod Touches? I was on the show nine years ago, so I don't know what they're giving out these days.

Maybe it's a QR code. I don't know what they're giving out these days. They give you an iPod Touch with, and it has all of the Lip Sync songs, all of the Challenge songs, and the only thing else on it is RuPaul's entire discography. So that is the- Just in case. That is the only thing you can listen to when you're there. They take away your phone.

They take the phone out of your hotel room. They used to put tape on your door. So you go in your hotel room, they put tape on your door to know if you left the room. Oh, wow. Because you can put tape on if you leave, but if you go back in, you can't put the tape on from the inside. Right, of course. So, you cannot leave your, I mean, you can leave your room, but you're leaving the competition.

You're not literally trapped there, but if you decide to leave the room, you are like out of the competition for good. Like even if you're going to get ice. You can't go get ice. Fuck. You have to slide a note under the door. I would like ice, please.

Yeah, then a PA may or may not. It's like Gitmo. No, it's crazy. Wow. It's real crazy. So we're all on please. Yeah, then a PA may or may not. Wow, it's like Gitmo. No, it's crazy. Wow. It's real crazy. So we're all on edge. Yeah. And you're paranoid. And I'm also, I'm a very confrontational person.

Yeah. I actually really, my toxic traits, I really like to argue. I really like it. Yeah, yeah. Even if it gets, even if it goes too far. Yeah. I really love arguing. You must be a wonderful boyfriend.

Just a joy to wake up to. My partner would say so. My exes would not. My exes would not. How do you deal with confrontation? I like conversation. I'm good at conversation. No, confrontation. Oh, confrontation.

Yeah. I'm not that great at it, but I have learned, when I was younger, terrible at it, but I have learned when I was younger, terrible at it, avoided it, and made very unhealthy choices. How old are you now? I'm 58. 58, right. And I made very unhealthy choices, and then I spent a yacht's worth of money on therapy and lots of medication, and I'm much better at it now.

And I can look somebody in the eye and have difficult conversations and it's okay. Now, I mean, I still, saying that, I still don't like it. And I still probably within my marriage, there's times when I'm like, oh, let's just see what happens tomorrow. How long have you been married? Uh, this time new.

Uh, it's, I'm, be two years in June. I, I feel like I, when I'm with my partners, my partners, I tend to use my healthy confrontation skills. Yeah, yeah. My problem solving, my listening, what I'm hearing you say is this. Yeah. If you're a stranger in the street, I escalate. Dysfunction.

No, it's literally, it's insane. Like I will escalate, I will go, I will make it, like if you make me a little uncomfortable, like I don't know if you heard the saying, but hell hath no fury like a gay guy slightly inconvenienced. Yeah. I'm familiar. If you make me a little uncomfortable,

I feel like I know how carte blanche to ruin your entire life. And it is very toxic. And I know it is, but I don't reserve it for people who are in my life. I use the listening skills that I have paid my therapist to help develop. What do you think that is there? Why is it there? I don't know.

I know it's toxic and I know I should stop, but I kind of can't help myself. And I'm offering myself this advice. Like for example, to give an example of a time where I was like, I could have handled this differently. I got to the Delta Sky Lounge. So when you fly out at JFK, if you buy a Delta One ticket, Delta One is like the way you get the weather, the beds lay flat, it's like the super comfortable bed.

And you get like a private entrance. Like you is like the way you get where the beds lay flat. It's like the super comfortable bed. Yeah, yeah. And you get like a private entrance. Like you go to the side, you skip the line. Listen, I saw a list of your favorite things and Delta One was one of them. And it is. I'll splurge. Oh my God. But the thing is, is that it only works for JFK.

To LAX. To LAX. Or international. Or international. Or I think DC in Boston too because I went to Atlanta Just a couple times just recently on Delta and I showed up at the Delta one entrance and they're like, no, no Yeah, excuse me not to Atlanta. Yeah, and I was like that is racist That is racist. I agree. It's just as far across the country. A little chocolate city doesn't count

It's just as far across the country. No shit! Like, at DC? I agree. Yeah. But, um, I got to the counter, and I fly a lot. I keep saying this on podcasts, my brag is that I have more delta miles than anyone I've ever met. I've never met anyone who has more delta miles than me.

And I don't spend them because I want to keep this prestige. I'm very proud of myself. Those bragging rights are more important than upgrades. They are. It is. They are. So I get to the counter and the guy goes, I need your real ID or passport. And I said, oh, it's in my suit. I remember I was carrying a different purse

and it was in my suitcase. I said, it's fine. It's in my suitcase. He goes, you gotta have it. I said, it's in my suitcase. Just let me grab it. And as I'm going through my suitcase to grab it out of my other purse, he goes, and just so you know, we have a one hour,

we have a strict one hour cutoff for bags. And I said, well, how much time do I have? He goes, five minutes. I said, oh, looks like I made it. I made it just in time, didn't I? And he was like, oh yeah, but we not, I said, I know, I know there's a strict cutoff, but I made, like I'm here. Bitch, I fucking made it.

Why are you lecturing me on what to do? Literally, it's not gonna take me five minutes to go through this thing. And like I'm here, bitch. I thought right right right why are you lecturing me? What's 30 seconds literally? It's like I'm gonna be five minutes to go through this thing and then I'm is this a TSA guy or a Delta he's a Delta check-in guy. Okay at the Delta one counter when you check in yeah, and then So now he's sassy and I do not this is my hot take I don't think that straight men should be allowed to work in Positions at the airport, except two. You can fly the plane, and you can pick things up, and you can put things down.

You should not be a flight attendant. You should not work at the Delta counter. You should not work in any customer service where you have to be forward-facing. Straight men are crazy. Not a, it's a very impolitic kind of attitude, but all right, I'll, it's just a podcast. I prefer the pilot be a butch lesbian with a mullet,

if I had my say. But I'm not making executive orders in the White House. Sure, sure, right. So then he goes, do you want your ticket printed? I said, no, I have the digital ticket. It's fine, thank you. I go and the ticket will not populate. The QR code, I have to go back and talk to this guy.

I have to go back and say, hey, can I please get the ticket printed? It's not populating for some reason. He goes, well, that's what I was trying to, I said, man, can you just give me the ticket without the SaaS? This is insane. And I feel like I'm over on this. By the way, there's no one behind me.

There's no one in front of me. There's no one here at all. It's just you and me. I'm not, all you're doing is talking to your coworkers the whole time. Just print the ticket and I don't want to be lectured before going in. Yeah, I didn't have to say that. But I chose to. Yeah, I chose to.

And I asked him. And what was his reaction? He he was just he kept being like, well, I was I just want you to. That's what I was trying to say. I was just trying to tell you that you didn't have to do this. I was like, who wants that? I was just trying to. Man, I will never see you again. Give me my fucking tickets. I can go to the lounge with my last three minutes I have.

But y'all don't know, JFK, baby, from TSA to the last gate, do you know it's over a mile? Yeah. Literally, it's over a, it can be, if you go far enough, it can be over a mile of walking. Yeah. Are they giving you- Atlanta's even worse.

Atlanta is hands down, first of all, it's the world's business airport. Yes. I lived in New York City for 12 years. Yeah. I grew up in Atlanta. Atlanta has the worst customer service in the world. And I lived in New York City.

Like people in Atlanta don't give a fuck. They don't care. I don't know if they have other jobs lined up or something, but if you're kink is being disrespected, go fly out of Hartsville Jackson International. No one there will be nice to you. I have noticed that, because I've worked in Atlanta a fair amount

the last few years, and I have noticed that, I have noticed that, because I've worked in Atlanta a fair amount the last few years, and I have noticed that too. It just seems like every sort of functionary, you know, of like a government thing or, you know, like a public service thing or working for a car dispatch or even... Anywhere. Anywhere. It's just like, it's similar to like an island mentality, which is like, what are you in a hurry for? What's the- Well, that's that Southern thing, but it's a Southern culture, but it is a big city. Yeah.

So they don't have the urgency of a New York city. No. Me and my brother went to KFC one time, hold your racist comments. Me and my brother went to KFC one time. Who are you pointing at? No, the camera, I see. There's a Klansman standing in the corner.

That's Terry. Who are you pointing at? The camera, I see. There's a Klansman standing in the corner. That's Terry. And we were just, we got to the KFC and we walked in and we're like, hey, can I get in? And the guy goes, you have to go through the drive-through to order. And I was like, but we're in here. Like we're in here. You're standing there. He goes, you have to go to the drive-through to order. And we're like, but we're in here. Like we're in here. You're standing up there. He goes, you have to go to the drive through the order.

And we're like, okay, it's whatever. So we got in our car, we go to the drive through, and then everything we ordered they didn't have. Everything, basically we don't have that. Wings, we don't have that. Macaroni, we don't have that. Green beans, we don't have that. Nashville hot, we don't have that.

So we ordered the two things that we, I left, I think we left like a straw and napkins. I don't know what we left with. But then we pull up to the window to get our food, and he goes, you have to come back inside to get your food. This is crazy. We were already in there.

We had to go to the drive-through to order the food. We go to the window with the, he tells you to come back inside to pick up your food. That is like the Atlanta customer service experience in a nutshell. And what is stopping him from just carrying the food to the window at which he is standing there telling you, wow. Like we went to Dunkin Donuts and the counter at Dunkin Donuts is massive. It's not short. It's like probably as wide as a table. And my partner was there and he makes his coffee. This is so crazy. And he puts it here.

Like three feet away. Like literally, and my partner's five four. So he's like climbing on my shoulders. You know, what do you call it? Propelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carabining to get this thing. I could not believe the guy just put the coffee there

and just looked at him. Just walked away. He didn't walk away. Oh wow, he stood there staring. He just stood there and was like. Like why would you not? Do you have a line of clothing that says fuck with me on it in big letters? I think I might, but also I'm confrontational

and I go into these situations with a bad attitude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm attracting this to myself. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of clothing, I will say this too, too. I've decided this summer is skank tank summer. Okay. And you're're kind of wearing you're wearing it. There's no kind of P town Well, what did it start out as a t-shirt because it's no this has always been a skank tank Okay. Now a skank tank is not a tank top. Okay, this very it's a type of tank top

Let's let me clear every skank tank is a tank top, but every not every tank top is a skank tank I see. Okay, so for it to be a skank tank, you have to have like, these are men's- Tiny straps. Men's spaghetti straps. Yes. For sure, 100%.

The edge has to be cut, it cannot be sewn, it has to be cut. There's no edging. Exactly. No trim. There has to be a little side boob. Yeah, yeah. You need a small amount of side boob. Yeah.

See, you've got the tits for it. I could never pull that off. And if the wind blows the right way, there has to be a little bit of, Yeah, yeah. A little nipple-age. A little nip slip. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyone can wear a skank tank. I would not. I don't have the confidence. Well, that's one thing. I should have brought you a fucking skank tank. That's all right. I'll do without. Um.

Can't you tell my love's a-growing? No, I appreciate the thought, but no, I just, uh, I, I, yeah. I don't, that's, you know, there, I, the notion, like the notion of doing drag, like I've, there have been like, there were once where like, oh, you should do, and I mean, I have done drag for comedy bits. I feel like you'd be a really doing drag. There have been moments where like, oh you should do, and I mean I have done drag for comedy bits. I feel like you'd be a really beautiful drag. Yeah, well thank you, but I don't.

And you also like barely have eyebrows, which is same, I also don't really have eyebrows. Yeah, yeah, no, they're very light. And people gag me. And I'm not hairy either, that's the other thing. I'm not either, I have basically no leg hair. I don't either. I can't grow it. And people make fun of me for it.

This is 38 years of me trying my absolute best to grow leg hair. Me neither. And it's gotten, as I've gotten older too, whatever hair I had, retired. Do you grow a beard? No, I grow like a mustache and then like a little goatee thing. And then over here it's just sort of little rabbinical student whiskers waving to each other from great distance. But you have a lot of hair for someone in their late 50s. Top of my head I got pretty, is working out pretty good.

I am, I cannot. Bush is just fine. I cannot say the same. Can I, are you, are you, do you trim the pubes? Occasionally. Like what's occasional? Um, no set schedule, just like there'll be a time when I'm like, Jesus Christ. No, it's just like wildfire. Yeah.

No. Well, it's just that like there's, there's, you know, with less hair, just sort of, it's flattering to the entire picture. Yeah, this is true. Yeah. Let's let's trim it up a little bit. But not very often. The tree looks taller. Yeah. And also being married, it's kind of like you give up. You just give up.

But when your wife does her big one, aren't you like, oh, this is so great. Oh, absolutely. But I mean, I look, she married me. She knew what she was getting into. This is fair. She knew that like she was getting meatloaf. So for me to practice, to say that I'm, you know, Lobster Thermidor is not, you know. Meatloaf is a great home meal. Yeah, no, she likes meatloaf, I guess. I thought you were saying meatloaf, the deceased singer. Oh, no, no, no.

Dashboard likes. Yeah, yeah, no, that's, no, I don't mean that. You know he died of COVID. Oh, did he? And he was an anti-vaxxer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was, you know, being an asshole can kill you sometimes.

Did you ever meet Meatloaf? Possibly, but I don't know. I was a big fan of Meatloaf as a kid. Amazing voice. Oh, my god. He made it like a fat singer when everyone else was like skinny and ripped and stuff. And was in Rocky Horror

Yeah, yeah, and then by the end of life. He really was like I Don't think I'll ever understand a TV access. I don't think I don't and by the way, it's bipartisan There are like Democrats third party Republicans like it right people will really be like crunchy crunchy liberal. Oh, yeah anti Anti-vectors. And then like, you know, crazy Republican party. I don't I don't understand it either. I sometimes I think there is there is like a self-sustaining mechanism in the human collective brain that knows we've overpopulated. So it's like maybe that's what it is. There needs to be a call in some way. So I'm going to take it upon myself to step out by not getting vaccinated,

but by meat loafing. Yeah, exactly. And I low key do not care. Low key. I don't care what I put in my body. I don't have. I'm not one of those people who's like, I'm not reading ingredients. Yeah, I will drink a Pfizer smoothie if you. I made the joke years ago that my body is a temple, except it's one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place.

But it is still a temple though. Yeah, it's still a temple. It's very nice. Yeah, it's just got monkey shitting everywhere. No, I'm the same way. And I'm the same way too that like, I'm not, I mean, I'm not the healthiest person, but I don't eat Terribly, you know, but I mean I will occasionally I'll eat a fucking Costco hot dog, you know

I mean I eat the the the buffalo chicken roll from 7-eleven Baby that's a little far from that's a little far. You lost me there. It's so on a roller I probably won't I'll eat it. I'll eat it. I will eat it. Also, hot take, if I drop my food on the floor, I'm gonna pick it up and eat it. Yeah, yeah. If I order, I don't eat steak

because I just don't like the way it tastes, but if I order like a meal, like if you order like a medium well steak, they take a while to cook, which is a big one. If it comes to my table, if there's a hair, I'm just gonna pick it off and I'm gonna eat it. if there's a hair, I'm just going to pick it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to eat it.

Right, right, right. I'm not going to. How many times a day are you wearing like, oh, Jesus fucking Christ. It happens all the time. And also, too. Here's the, here's the. Does your wife have long hair?

Yes, she does. But you live, you live this life. Oh, I live in like, it's like the fucking ring in our shower. What color is her hair? Brown. She's Mexican. Yeah, yeah. Mexican-American. You don't know, but there's a, do you She's Mexican. Brown. Yeah, yeah, Mexican-American.

You don't know, but there's a, do you know who T.S. Madison is? No. T.S. Madison is like, she was famous on Vine, and now she's a judge on Drag Race. She's a podcaster. She's like a woman about town. Yeah.

A very, very funny woman. And she famously thought that Selena was Puerto Rican. So instead of saying Puerto Rican, she goes, she's Puerto Rican. So whenever someone says, oh, is she Puerto Rican? It's my favorite thing to say. Puerto Rican. So instead of saying Puerto Rican, she goes, she's Puerto Rican. So whenever someone says that, she's Puerto Rican. It's my favorite thing to say. Puerto Rican? She's Puerto Rican. So you probably have, your drain, I used to live with a dark-haired

Jewish Norwegian woman with long hair to the middle of her back. Yeah, yeah. And living with a white woman with long hair is insane. And it's, I don't know how it all ends up on my side of the counter, near my sink. Living with a white woman with long hair is insane. And it's, I don't know how it all ends up on my side of the counter, near my sink.

That's intentional, she's gaslighting you. She must be because it's like I come over. She's pushing it over. Yeah, I come over. She's moving it over. And I swear it is, it's like, I don't know which of the, it was either the ring or the grudge where like the long, wet hair comes out of the drain

to pull you in, like that's, it sometimes feels like that. Is your wife first generation or is she from Mexico? Second generation. Second generation. Second generation. Does she speak Spanish? No, she does not. Are you guys gonna teach your child Spanish? Yeah, she is, she goes to Spanish and she also goes to a French school too.

She goes to a French immersion school. Yes, yes. Oh! Look at us raising, what do they call it? A polyglot here at home. Yeah, exactly. I would feel! Look at us raising, what do they call it? A polyglot at home. Yeah, exactly. I would've felt insecure if my kid spoke more languages than you. It's fucking weird because she's been in this school

since preschool, she's five now, so she's been there a couple years now, and we'll run into, you know, like we'll be in a store and there'll be a French person and my wife will be like, oh, Cornelia speaks French. Do it! Do your trick! And then the woman will talk and they'll be talking and it's like, it's a very unnerving thing

to have your five-year-old speak in a language and converse with someone in full sentences and be like, oh, I don't know what she's saying. But like, what happens when she... They're making fun of me! Like literally, what happens when she brings her friends, like when she's in middle school and her and all of her friends speak French,

and okay, I don't wanna- First of all, you gotta care. But then I don't care. This is gonna happen to you. This will happen to you. I know, I know. She's gonna be 13. Yeah.

Her friends are gonna come over, they're gonna say something in French, all of her friends are going to laugh, look at you, and then leave the room. Yeah, but you know what? You know what, fuck those little brats. I haven't reached that age yet. Fuck them.

I still was hurt. I mean, I got a 24 year old and a 19 year old too, so I've been through. Yeah, there it is. I've been through the eye rolling. The eyes rolling till they drop out of their skull and go down the street. All girls?

No, boy and girl. I was crushed when my niece stopped liking me. When she stopped thinking I was cool. Like 13? I think she's, she'll be 16 this December or 15 this December. But when she was 11, she went on my show on HBO called We're Here With Me.

And I did this bit where I had a- Which was a great show. I really love that show. Thank you. I did a bit where I had this... Which was a great show. I really love that show. Thank you. I did a bit where I had this wig. I was wearing this giant wig. And then the wig jumps off my shoulders, and it's my niece, and we start dancing together.

And she would never... She would never do that with me now. And she doesn't think I'm cool, and it's crazy, because I am objectively a very cool person. And she doesn't think so'm cool, and it's crazy, because I am objectively a very cool person. And she doesn't think so, and it drives me crazy. It's like, I'm not saying my niece is a dog, but it's like when a dog doesn't like you. Yes.

Yeah, yo, there's nothing more insulting than a dog that's like sort of, eh. And I felt that way too. I've had friends who have kids who just seem to not care for me. And I'm just, I'm always like, well, you're missing out. Literally. But also her friends think I'm cool.

Yeah. Of course. Which is, do you ever have that with your kids? Like, oh my God, your dad's Andy Richter. That's crazy. Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes.

And there's something about like my daughter, she's 19. And it seemed that the kids in her school who were impressed by the fact that she was Andy Richter's daughters her daughter were like the fucking like They're not cool. Yeah, like almost like there was one of them who was like the right-wing kid You know like I love your dad like oh god. Damn it. I'm fucking, I've made a mistake. Yeah, not like a kid in a trench coat. Like, oh, not this, not this. But my daughter, my daughter did, she did admit,

cause my kids don't give a shit about what I do or my work or whatever. What do they wanna do? Do they wanna be in showbiz? Well, my son, my son went to art school at USC, and now he's working in a gallery, but I don't think he's fully sure where he wants to end up. He's the 19-year-old. He's the 24-year-old.

The 24-year-old. And my daughter, she's just finished her freshman year of college, and I have a feeling she's going to work in film in some way. But it could possibly be in Ching college. And I have a feeling she's gonna work in film in some way, but it could possibly be in Ching film, like scholarly film kind of stuff. But she's really into movies in a way. And I went to film school and she's, it wants me to watch these like Russian movies

that I've slept through in college. And she's like, it's amazing. I'm like, mm-hmm. And your youngest daughter is a cultural attache to the country of France. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, see, I don't, yeah, it's hard to say, you know, when they're five. But my 19-year-old told me recently that just in her algorithm, a Conan sketch came up.

And then she said, and it was really funny. And then she said, and it was really funny. And then she said, and then I ended up kind of just like, she said, I kind of went down a little wormhole. And she goes like, that was a really funny show. I was like, well, I'm cool, thank you. Yeah, a lot of people think so. That's kind of what is paid for all of this. Do you know there's a gay version of you?

I would assume. No, there is a gay version of you? I would assume. No, there is a gay... I mean, I'm pretty close to being gay, except for the sex with men. I mean, I might as well. There is a gay version. You know his name. And no one's ever brought this up, but I think that you could play like his... He's probably too close in age to you,

but maybe an older cousin or uncle or something. Yeah. Ross Matthews. Oh, yeah. Ross the intern. He's low key the gay version of you. Yeah, yeah, I love Ross. Has anyone brought this up yet? No, but I mean, I've met him and I love him and I think he's really funny.

And I also kind of love that just the career that he's made for himself being funny and charming. Because he kind of, he started on the Leno show. And I mean, I just, you know, I mean, like it would make me, if you said to me like, Jay Leno is going to put a gay intern on camera, I would be like, ooh, ouch, ouch.

I don't know how that will play out. And then, but just through the, just the joy that he shares, it's like, you can't fuck it up. You can't be mad at him. Yeah, yeah. I have a quick question for you. Yes. Let's say a guy who kind of maybe looked a little like you.

Maybe like, kind of like your grandpa or like an uncle or something, maybe like 80 years old-ish, came up to you and he was like, I am Andy Richter from the future. Yeah. Is there something, you don't have to tell me what, but is there something he could say that would make you believe

he was actually you from the future? Cause you have a podcast, people who live in the podcast live their lives out loud. Everything's on the table. Do you think you could be convinced by any measure that there is an Andy, like he's like, I'm Andy Richard from the future and I have a message. Yeah. Could he convince you?

I don't think so, but if he could, it would be something that I'm sure as fuck not going to tell you. Yeah, of course. You're not supposed to tell me. No, it would be some like,'m sure as fuck not gonna tell you. Yeah, of course. You know what I mean? You're not supposed to tell me. Yeah, no, it would be some deep secret about. But you don't even think there's someone else, one other person who knows that secret could have just told him this? Like, is there truly something that only you know

and no one else in the world would know this? And I don't mean like you and three other people because there are no secrets amongst two people. Yeah, yeah. Could you be convinced? I don't think I could be given even if someone had my deepest darkest secret I don't think there's anything that I've experienced that was literally just me. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't think I have one I Couldn't be convinced. I don't think anyone could convince me of that. Yeah, I can't think of anything right now that would be like Yeah, I can't think of anything. I have not thought about this. It's been wrecking my brain.

This is a very unusual thing to think about. Yeah, but I've been asking a lot of people lately. Yeah, I know, but I don't think a lot of people are going around like fraught with worry that them of the future will be, you know, quizzing them. But what if he is the me from the future, and I just don't believe him, and I don't heed his warning? Well, what if there's a younger Bob that comes to you and says,

I am the you from now. From the past. Oh, and he... Like, the future you. What if he's like, I'm you from now, and you're actually future... Yeah. And I'm future him.

And then he's like, what do you need me to know? And what would that be? Okay, well, how old is he? I'm 38 right now. Uh, 17. Okay, you know, I hate to give the obvious answer, but I'm gonna give financial advice. I'm gonna give a lot of financial advice. I'm gonna like, something's coming. That's fucking, that's so true.

Something's coming, it's called Bitcoin. It sounds stupid. I'm telling you, it, going to be like, what scam is this? It's going to be like 500 bucks a pop. And I know it sounds like way too much money for one coin. Everything you have, put everything... When you first hear about it. The first time it crosses your desk, if it's $50, I'm telling you,

I know you only have $800 to your name. Make it happen. Figure it out and invest in Bitcoin. Right. Get in early on the pyramid scheme. And also I think I might, would you still music or would you still joke? Like, would you, maybe not, I couldn't still, I don't have any, I mean, to still a joke, but I could still a song.

Oh, you mean like take a song from the future and like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I would write Not Like Us by Kendrick Lamar and be like, this is the banger of the summer. I would go and sell Beyonce. And he wouldn't know? He wouldn't know if you beat him by a few years. I would go and sell Beyonce all of her music.

Yeah, yeah. I would sell, I'd be like, I got a crazy song. I know you're a fully married single ladies. Let me pitch you this idea. You're going to be dancing. I would be the creative director. Get this. Country album. Hear me out.

Country album. Hear me out. And you know how you keep one? I keep pointing at the camera. I'm such a ham. That's all right. I'm such a ham. But you know how you want album of the year?

It's going to be on an album called Cowboy Carter. Now I know the album before you're gonna be on a horse. The album after you're gonna be on another horse. Hear me out, volume one, volume two. I'm telling you, I'm telling you. I was asked once. That's not that though, is it? Is that? Is that?

Well yeah, but you know. It's not ethical. But it's not ethical, but who's gonna know? Literally no one. There's gonna be like, you're gonna be in a cafe and there's gonna be one person sitting there giving you the stink eye and be like, and they're like, I'm a time traveler too, rip off.

And I'd be like, and you've done some, there's no way you're not doing something to sneak into the time travel. As they're sitting there in like a head to toe mink from their windows at the track. There are two superpowers that you can't not be, and you keep the time travel. As they're sitting there in like a head to toe mink from their rooms at the track. There are two superpowers that you can't not be, like there's no way to be a good person with them.

And I think that one is invisibility. There's no reason to be invisible unless you're stealing or being creepy. Or hanging out in locker rooms. Yeah, you're either creepy or you're stealing. What else are you doing with invisibility? And then the other one is time travel. Cause I always ask people this. I love to ask questions.

Would you rather ask ridiculous questions? If you had a choice between only, you only have a choice between two powers, and you have to take one, you can either turn invisible, but when you are invisible, for whatever time you're invisible, when you become visible again, you are out. I don't mean sleeping, I mean unconscious.

Like you've been, like, you know pain, but you are out. So if you're invisible for an hour, you are completely, completely unconscious. Oh, you come back and you're knocked out from when you become invisible. For the same amount of time that you're invisible. Or you can fly, but it's twice as exhausting as running.

Oh, wow. Because running sucks. Yeah, and you can't fly too high because you get tired, you'll fall. So you can't, you can't fly to New York. You could never fly, you could never fly to New York City. I didn't fly down the block for fuck's sake. So which would you choose?

Probably the invisible. Because then you just like, you know, you budget your time and then now are you in control of when you become visible? Yeah, full control. Okay, because then you just like become visible on a couch. And also- Back at your house. With all the cash that you've stolen. Exactly.

And also sneaking around and saying, boo to your daughter will become very easy at that point. That's right. She'll be like, suckling boo! Wee wee! Mow do! Oh, so ho! Omnidu flamma!

Yeah, know that advice to yourself stuff. I was asked once on a live, we did a, I've done this podcast live a couple times and one time took Q&A from the audience and was doing it with Rachel Dratt. She was the guest. I love Rachel Dratt. And they asked, yeah, she's the best. I never met her, I just love her as a fan. Yeah, she, and I've known her, we did improv together in Chicago a million years ago.

So there it is, Chicago. We were kids, Chicago. But they said, what advice would you give to your younger self? And all I could come up with is learn to love cardio. Just because I still can't fucking stand it. I just, it's like, yeah, yeah, I know it's good for you. Have you tried Orange Theory?

I have not. I do, this is not a paid advertisement, but I honestly love Orange Theory. What's so great about it? What is gonna make this curmudgeon go, I don't hate everyone here. So what's happening is there's an instructor there, so you're doing it with a group of people, okay?

Yeah. It's also very, it is very millennial core. I know you're not, you're Gen X. No, I'm Gen X, yeah. It is very millennial core, so everyone there is a millennial, which favors me obviously, you're Gen X. No, I'm Gen X. Yeah. It is very millennial course. So everyone there is a millennial, which is favors me obviously, but it's not Gen Z, there's not a lot of Gen Z,

it's mostly millennial and a couple of Gen Xers in there as well. Yeah. And they break it up. Someone tells you every step of the way. It's not nonstop running. It's like run, then you walk. When you run, then you walk.

You're checking your heart rate. You also get instant results. So especially if you're actually- Instant results, like why? Because you get to see how well you're doing. You're wired you also get instant results. So especially if you're actually- Instant results, like why? Because you get to see how well you're doing. You're wired up to a heart monitor or something? Yeah, you wear a bracelet and you get to see it also. Here's a great thing.

Nice jewelry, always nice. If you're a little out of shape, you get to get these things called splat points and you can have more splat points. You want splat points and if you get more splat points, you get to be like, I'm the fucking splat queen or the splat king. I'm the one who got the most splats in class. Even though it's because you're literally,

your heart is like trying not to explode. And it does- So it's like a handicap. Yeah, exactly. Like a handicapping system. And then you do weight training. Listen, I will do an Orange Theory class with you. I'm just saying, I'm putting it on the table. I will do an Orange Theory class with you. I'm just saying, I'm putting it on the table.

I will do an Orange Theory class. Just do it one time. You're like, not even a soft yes. Well, I worked out with a trainer for many, many years and it was the only way I could do it because that's like, I can't, like the notion of go to the gym, it'll be good for you, you'll feel better afterwards, and longevity is an important thing.

Well, first of all, you have to know that like, it's only until very recently that I felt the notion of like, doing something to mean that I get more of this is a good thing. Like, it would be like, if you work out, you'll get more. And I'm like, more of this? Yeah, more life is never. Yeah, it's like, I don't know,

I'm pretty ambivalent about this. That's why Christianity was never a good sell for me because like the eternal life, oh my God, it sounds horrible. Doing some version of this. And all the people that are best at this, at this particular Christianity thing, like I don't wanna spend eternity with them.

Exactly. I want to spend eternity with the sinners, you know? Honestly, there's no anymore fun. I mean, not like the murderers obviously, but somewhere in the, you know. But the ne'er do wells. I want to have the sluts. Right.

I want to hang out with the rock and rollers. The bitches. Oh my God, I want to be with the bitches. If you can't bitch, I don't, yeah. That's like, I've had different points in my life where I've met somebody that like, maybe I knew of before. Like one was, and I've told this before, Dave Foley of Kids in the Hall.

First time I ever met him within three minutes, he was shit talking everybody in Kids in the Hall to me who I'd never met. And then I was like, I am in love with you. I love that. That is exactly. And it isn't like, you know, it's, it ultimately, it's not like I think these people are bad. It's just like, like he's aware of the shortcomings of the universe. If you like everyone, if you like everyone and everyone's lovely and

everyone's friendly, I don't trust you. Yeah. Cause you're one, you're fully lying. You do not like everyone. And if you're not zzzzz, yawn, you know, boring. For sure. I love, I'm not gonna say who the people are because this is very messy, but when I meet queer comedians, there's a few names I bring up and I'm like, I'll just bring it up in conversation and based on the person's reaction to that person,

will let me know if I will be friends with you. Right, right, right. One hun, one hun dopey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One hun dopey. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, because that is, it is, I mean, and not being, I mean, I have plenty of gay people in my life and my family and, you know, and always have, but it is weird to be like that there's like queer comedians from a straight mind. It's kind of like, oh, yeah queer comedians, but then you realize like oh no, no No, there's all different kinds of queer comedians. Oh, yeah, and there's some that aren't that funny Yes, always such a waste of gay. I you know, and being gay is funny Yeah, being gay and there are some fuckers out there that manage to make it boring. Because trauma makes you funny. Yeah.

So you already have more trauma than everyone else. Absolutely. So how are you gay and not funny? That's insane. It's crazy. It's crazy. I don't think boring people choose to be boring. Like me and my mom, my mother passed away last year.

My mother is very, very funny. I'm very, very funny. My brother, he's not funny. Like, he's so, he's criminal. Is he aware of this? No, he thinks he's very funny. If he listens to this, will he be disappointed in hearing that? He knows how I feel.

Okay. Yeah, my brother, we are close and he knows how I feel. He's not funny. But, you ever play Quiplash? Uh-uh. Unfunny people always win Quiplash. Quiplash is funny. But, you ever play Quiplash? Uh-uh. Unfunny people always win Quiplash. Quiplash is a game, y'all play Quiplash? It's a game where you basically,

you play it on your phone, it's on the screen, everyone in the room sits down, and it gives you prompts. It gives you prompts and then it pits the answer, whoever makes the funniest answer, and everyone votes to see whose answer is the funniest. I see, I see. Somehow my brother always wins Quiplash,

which is insane, cause he is objectively not a funny person. Well, why do you think that is? Is it just that he has like, it's like he has like the dummy take of it? Because you know, like whenever I've worked on TV shows and you'll get network notes, at first I would be like,

no, fuck that, they don't know what they're talking about. But then after a while I'm like, no, no, they're like the average person. Maybe that's what it is. Is that what it is? He's the every man. Yeah, like the common denominator idea of funny.

I once got thrown out of a writing room. Really? Yeah, I can't remember the name of the show. I cannot remember the name of the show. But in their defense, I did not watch the show before. And I did not get the tone of the show. Was it a live action sitcom? No, it was like a regular sitcom.

I think it was on like USA or not USA. One of those like- TBS. Yeah, one of those. Yeah, yeah. And then the joke, I remember it was a punch up session. I still remember the joke that got me kicked out. The joke was, it was like Jackie Kennedy always said,

take one thing off before you leave the house. But then again, she also said, and they're going around getting everyone, and then one lady is like, wear stripes with polka dots. I'm like, oh yeah, that's good, that's good. But then again, she also said, it's like all these weird things like that, like zebra print isn't tacky.

And then it got to me, and I said, but then again, she also said, let's ride with the top down today. And the head rider went, ooh. And I was like, OK. I said, I have an alt, which is lighter, I said. But then again, she also said, that Marilyn just seems like a nice lady.

And then the guy was like, let's just keep moving. And then we went on lunch break. And then he went up to me and he goes, you don't have to come back after the break. We'll pay you for the day. Just do not come back. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, I was asked not to come back.

I wasn't thrown out. I was asked not to return after the break. Yeah, I mean, you're telling the story. So of course you're the hero of it, but that seems like. They're like, this guy came in making fun of Kennedy's assassination. I mean, you're telling the story. So of course you're the hero of it, but that seems like. And that seems. This guy came in making fun of Kennedy's assassination. Yeah, but you know what? It's like, yeah, but that's way funnier

than Stripes and Polka dots. I agree. Maybe this show should have taken a hard left and it would still be on the fucking air. Yeah, no, there's, well, that's the other thing too, is that when you come out here to LA and you get in a comedy room, like you'll find like, oh yeah, there's a other thing too, is that when you come out here to LA and you get in a comedy room, you'll find like, oh yeah, there's a lot of fuckers.

Like somehow like your brother, like where it's a calculation. Like they've sort of like, they look at jokes as if it's, I don't know, like some sort of math. I mean, he's a chef, which is all math. It's all like a quarter of this, a scoop of this, a boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. And ratios and yeah. And there are people that are very successful that write comedy, and I'm making air quotes, but they have never made any motherfuckers laugh ever. Yeah, for sure.

So yeah, I don't know. It's a strange business in that way. And writers' rooms are just strange. I feel like I've derailed your podcast. I feel like you've taken the papers and just pushed them to the side. No, this has been a great conversation and I love it when this podcast is like that because the idea is it's kind of like autobiographical, you know, but who gives a shit?

Honestly. People can look up your info. So I was amazed that your mom owned a drag bar. Yes, Sensations. So she did it to you. Yeah. She made you like this. My mom owned a drag bar called Sensations

in Columbus, Georgia. And how does that happen? She's a lesbian. Oh, okay. All right. So it starts with the lesbian. Right, right, right. My mom and a bunch of other, let's just say women who play softball.

Yes, yes. Citywide billiards champions. Exactly. Yeah, yeah. They got together and they opened up a drag bar and then they kind of all slowly started phasing out and she would buy their chunks. It makes my mom sound like a, like she has a monopoly on lesbianism. Like, I'll ruin you. Yeah.

I'll squeeze you out. My mother was not like a corporate monster, I swear. These women wanted out. She offered them an out. Yeah. And then she ended up on this gay bar called, a sensation at Columbus, Georgia. But I actually was afraid of drag queens because my mom had this friend named Sydney. And I just remember Sydney telling me one day he came home from working in the club.

Because I didn't go to the club, obviously. I was there during the day, but I was working in the club, because I didn't go to the club, obviously. I was there during the day, but I was there when the club was operating. And he came home and he had a bandage like around his leg or his arm or something. He had come from the hospital. I was like, what happened? And he was like, a drag queen shot me.

A drag queen shot me in the parking lot. Like, and he was like, never trust a drag queen. They're dangerous. Like she pulled a gun out of her purse and she shot me. So I was actually afraid of drag queens. Now is Sydney a man or a woman? Sydney's a man. Sydney's a man.

And was Sydney a drag queen? No, Sydney was just a regular old queen. Just a gay guy. Oh wow. And I guess he's never trusted. He sassed off to the wrong drag queen, honey. Yeah, Miss Papa Glock. Maybe you should have known her name.

Miss Papa Glock. You know, I'll her name. I'm gonna stop a Glock. You know, I'll never use it, but I do feel like, and this is just recently, I thought of a wonderful drag name. Aroma Del Mar. Aroma Del Mar is a beautiful name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, drag names come in a couple of different, there are names that are like plays on things.

Yes. A homeless drag queen named Lavonda Bridges. Yes. You know what I mean? Right Bridges. Yes. I mean, right. Right. There is a very feminine version of your name, like Andesha Richter. Yes. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's just the opulent names like Manuela Dupree Balenciaga,

vivacious, supreme, you know, Fontaine. Yeah. Like there are those names. And then you have the which is just a reverent, ridiculous, like Bob the Drag Queen. Like Bob the Drag Queen, which is wonderful. Yeah, and why Bob? I just thought it was funny. Just because it was the funniest, yeah, yeah.

I literally just thought it was funny. It's the most sort of neutral blob. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of someone being very glamorous. The real reason is I thought it would be really funny to enter some sort of a national pageant or competition and have them have to announce that the winner was some guy named Bob.

That's really like, and first runner up. And you got your wish. I got my wish, first runner up, Miss Manuela Dupree Fontaine and the winner. And I'm literally not joking. Yeah, yeah. Is Bob. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, cause we got it. And it was funny. Yeah, it. Is Bob. Yeah, yeah. Oh, because we got it. And it was funny. Yeah, it is really funny. And that's there again, that's why like, just before watching that season and like, oh, Bob, that's a fucking, that's an awesome name. It's a pretty great name. That's really good. And we didn't talk about it, but I want to because I do love Traders.

And you said that I would be good at it. I really think so. And I, this experience that I had with the stars on Mars, I don't know that I could do it again because it was, you know, I mean, I slept in a fucking bunk bed, you know. Who'd you share with? No, oh, above me was Adam. Adam Rippon was above me. That's hot. Yeah

Yes, and he's not really you wouldn't think that he'd be the top But I don't know that I could do it and also the thing about traders is and the thing that I sit and yell at the screen when they talk about like a boring milk toast person, like maybe they're a trader. I think what producer would make a boring kind of dopey person a trader? I would make you a trader.

Okay, you ready? But I mean, but yeah, I mean, you can take like a nice person, but they usually like take some, like... They always take the ones who are too much. You are too interesting and too smart, and it's just, how are you gonna last through this whole long thing? Because it does seem like the quiet kind of wall flowers are the ones that make it to the end.

Oh my God, are you kidding me? Lord Ivar won the show, and I was mentioned in more episodes than he was, and I was going on episode the end. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Lord Ivar won the show, and I was mentioned in more episodes than he was, and I was gone in episode four. Literally. There were episodes where he wasn't even mentioned. I was mentioned in every single episode of season three of The Traitors. Even when you're gone. Literally.

Every episode, my name was brought up. I'm gonna tell you what you do. All right, we're gonna do a role play. We're gonna be at the round table. I'm going to accuse you. You need to decide in your head right now whether or not you're a traitor. All right. And I gonna do a role play. We're gonna be at the round table. Okay. I'm going to accuse you. Okay. You need to decide in your head right now whether or not you're a traitor. All right.

And I'm just gonna accuse you, you ready? Okay. I noticed that today, when we were doing the challenge, there was someone who was not given their all. I've been seeing him have private conversations in corners. And I know that everyone's used to the smiling face. Oh, he's got a smile, he's laughing, he's a dad. him have private conversations in corners. And I know that everyone's used to the smiling face. Oh, he's got a smile.

He's laughing. He's a dad. And he's pulling at your heartstrings by telling you about his French child who speaks in French. But the truth is, I believe that Andy is a traitor. Well, I have an explanation for that. Okay. And it's just that I miss my child so much that I'm hoping that I get voted out.

Then we will vote you out. Not for being a traitor. Listen, Andy said it himself. So y'all heard it. You already heard the defense. Don't let me convince you. Just send me home, please. I mean, you'll be losing a faithful, but I do want to go home.

You're doing the reverse psychology. Do not fall for it. Andy, listen, I watched Conan O'Brien for years and this sweet little cute, doughy face, ooh, ooh, ooh person that you guys are seeing is not person. I've seen Andy walk around this castle, you're sneaking around, you're having little snides and slick little conversations.

I saw you and Jay Leno in the corner. You think I don't think you guys have alliance. They're both traitors. I say on this week, vote out Andy. Next week, we're voting out Jay Leno. Look, I've said what I've said. And you could say, like, who seems to have more stake in this? Me, who's saying send me home, or Bob?

Why is Bob so fired up about Sunday's vote? Well, you got more stake in you. That's what I'm saying. Oh, it had to go there! All right, fine, I am a fucking traitor. In your head, were you a traitor in this scenario? I was. Oh, see had to go there! Alright, fine, I am a fucking traitor. In your head, were you a traitor in this scenario? I was. Oh, see, but you put me on the spot so like I don't know.

And that's the other, you know, I don't know that I could... I would have not voted for you. Yeah. Because I was doing too much, but I always do too much. Even if I was a faithful, I would have been doing too much because I like to argue. That's why I made fun of Zac Efron on international TV. Unprovoked, he wasn't even there to defend himself. You mean, oh, right, right, right. I made fun of Zac through Dylan.

Yeah, because I like confrontation. It's so toxic. I know how it sounds. I want you guys to know that I know how it sounds, but I can't help myself. Do you think, and this is, if you know, I mean, sorry for people who don't follow the show, do you think if you hadn't sort of just made that offhanded,

it could be one of the new guys that Boss and Rob would have gone after you anyway? Yeah, I do think he would. I think Boss and Rob was kind of just looking for reasons. I mean, he admitted down the line that he was intimidated by me. He thought that I was very good. First of all, I was really, for the four episodes of that, I was ruling the castle.

I mean, I controlled the turret. I controlled the round table. I controlled the challenges. Like, I'm a very, I'm just a very domineering person. At any point did you think, ooh, maybe I'm doing oops? Never not once. Never occurred to you? Never not once. very domineering person. At any point did you think, ooh, maybe I'm doing oops? Never not once. Never occurred to you?

Never not once. That's crazy. I wasn't even talking about Boston Robb when I said that. I was trying to get West out of the castle. Yeah. I was just thinking to myself, we gotta target someone. Cause my whole thing was,

my idea was murder women, banish men. So women get to go in the still of the night. Right, right, right. In a quiet moment. They get a, they get sort of a noble passing. Yeah, and I wanted to yell at men and belittle them. Yes. At the round table.

I was like, I want you to browbeat and yell at men. Your kinks are on full display. And I wanted to let the women just go. And murder the women just go. And murder the women! Yeah, and let them die in their sleep. Right. That was my plan.

Yeah, yeah. Which is why I was attacking Lord Ivar and Dylan Efron the whole time. But you know what? They both won. They both fucking won. Wow. Dylan was, I knew Dylan because he worked for a producer at Warner Brothers. Oh my God.

Who is my gym pal. And Dylan was in the gym. Like I knew Dylan from the gym. So when he, and I knew he was Zac Efron's brother and stuff. But when he came up on the stage, what the fuck is he doing there? Is my barista on the trailer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's definitely, he's, he's got a gym body.

That guy is, he is fit. Yes, and he was, he's much more fit now than he, I mean, he was still was like fit, and he was into that stuff, which I never trust. Would you argue that your 30s is the best version of yourself? No, no. No?

I wouldn't. What decade would you say was the best? For me, it's now, it's the 50s. Yeah, because wouldn't. What decade would you say was the best? For me, it's now. The 50s? Yeah, because just in terms of, and I've said this before, just knowing myself and figuring out how to be alive in a way that is, that honors me.

Yeah. Where I'm not, like I said, living for other people, not making mistakes on just, you know, like, and I don't mean to like that I'm an asshole that doesn't care about people, but just like making healthier decisions. You start putting yourself first. Yeah, and you just get the hang of it

and you find out what's important and what's not important. I'm realizing now that, because I think that's gonna be the case, I think I'm gonna keep thinking each version is the better version myself. Yeah, because you're 38, right? 38, yeah. I think you're 20 years younger than me exactly.

Yeah, I'll be 39 this year. Yeah, yeah. And when I was in my 20s, I didn't realize how bad I was at everything in my 20s. I was everything, communicating, problem solving, like sex, I was not good. I was not good. I'm so sorry to anyone I had sex with in my 20s. Because we should reconvene.

And I want to prove myself. I want another shot. I want to prove myself. I'm so much better now than I was back then. Are any of you in your 20s? I'm telling you, you're horrible. He's getting married too. Are you? How old are you? 20s is I'm telling you you're you're horrible but he's getting married too

are you when you how old are you 28 you're rounding it out and when you reach that you're gonna be like I am better at everything and I mean literally everything there is nothing I hope your fiance's listening she just got to stick around another couple years before things get good with the exception of maybe running. Yeah. I was faster. Right.

In my 20s. Right, right. Everything else. Yeah. I am better at it in my 30s. Yeah, yeah. I'm even stronger now than I was in my 20s. Yeah?

Yeah. I agree, I agree. I definitely think it takes a while. It takes a while to just get to know yourself, to sort of, and also too, like, you get all this fucking programming in you that you didn't put in there. Yeah. That somebody, it's like, you know, somebody else put it in there and you don't question

it, you don't question it. And then after a while you start to question it. You're like, oh, wait a minute, there's all these wires in me that I'm going to rip those out and start again, you know, and figure out how I should be, not just how this person sort of made me be. Did you develop dad strength and dad reflexes? Have you seen this trend online? It's like dad strength.

It's like, it's not necessarily like strength, like lift weight, but it's like, can open any jar, can. Yeah, I mean, I cut, yeah. I mean, I've been a dad since before I was a dad. Like I was the one, like I've said before, like if we were, you know, somebody at 11 PM says, let's drop acid and watch the sunrise on the Indiana Dunes, I would be like, uh, I don't think that's a good idea. And then everyone would be like, no, no, we're going to do it.

And I would go like, okay, but I'm driving. I'd still take the acid, but I would be like, no, I'm driving. We do have work in the morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be the one driving. There's a thing where like a dad would be watching TV and the baby's on the couch and the baby will roll off

and dad would be like. Yes, no, absolutely. Do you have to redevelop that? Cause there's a big gap between you and your kids. Yes, and mostly I had to redevelop the patience. Cause little kids require immense patience because they're the most irrational, like just the dopiest fucking creatures on earth

where it's like, what are you doing that for? You know, I saw a woman online who was having an art like her daughter was having a full Meltdown yeah, she was like crying screaming Like she was like really having a very hard time because her mother wouldn't cook a battery for her to eat Like she was like, can you cook this like eating her most like I'm not cooking a battery yeah, she was. Like she was like, can you cook this? I can eat it. And her mom was like, I'm not cooking a battery. Yeah.

And she was like, and she was like literally like the girl was like, I can't believe you won't. I mean, she wasn't using these words. She was a child, like three or three or something. But she was like, she was like, like she just, she couldn't fathom that her mother wouldn't just cook this battery. Yeah. See, that's a kid.

When you see a kid like that, cause sometimes you see kids misbehaving and you can project onto the parent like, oh, you should have maybe done a little more work. You should have laid some groundwork so this wouldn't be happening now. But like that, that just is luck of the draw. Like you gave birth to a maniac. I was the maniac. My mother famously said that if I was the second born,

she said if I was her first child, my brother wouldn't. There's no way I would have ever had another child. She said you were a very hard child to raise. So you had a boy first. I had a boy first. Was he a good kid? He was a great kid.

And still is a great kid. And you were like, we're going to re-up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And be honest, what was your daughter like? Were you like, OK, this is a lot? Oh, fuck. Yes.

My, my older, my older daughter was like, we didn't go anywhere on an airplane. We took her once and then we're like, we're not getting on a fucking plane again until this thing can sit still for a minute or two. I will drive to London before I get this monster on a plane. Oh yeah. It was like, no, I guess we're, you know, we're taking car trips because it was just crazy. And she was, you know, just, just all, no impulse control.

All me. This is me. All, yeah. I was a horrible childhood. Me and my brother, we took turns. We were so, we were so great. I like from like, we're two years apart, me and my older brother. I have a younger brother who's 21 years younger than me.

Yeah. And I'm from Mississippi. Wow. I know. Also, fun fact, I'm older than my brother's mom. Wow. Isn't that insane? That is crazy.

What in the Mississippi is going on here? Wow. So it's your half brother, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I never used to have a half brother. I don't hear, I have a half brother and sister, my twin brother and sister, my half brother and sister and I don't. You have twin siblings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I never used her as my half brother. I don't hear, I have a half brother and sister, my twin brother and sister are my half brother and sister and I don't.

You have twin siblings? Yeah, yeah. How does that feel? Nine years younger. It's fine, it's good. I feel like they would just get so much like, they bond and, but they're nine years apart from you though. Yeah, and they're, yeah, no, they're,

and they're a boy and girl, so that's, there's that kind of difference. I would feel so left out. And now they're grown up, you know what I mean? Now it's kind of, like, it's almost like there's times when I, like, I just saw them and my brother said, you know what we're gonna do for our 50th? And I was like, oh yeah.

Our 50th. Yeah, our 50th. It's like, I don't think of it that way. Do the names rhyme? No. Yeah, white people don't do that. No, no, no. Black people will name their kids rhyming names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even if one, even if it's like Tracy and do that. No, no, no. Black people will name their kids rhyming names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even if one, even if it's like Tracy and Stacey.

Rhonda and Chonda. But they'll do it with names that, they'll do it like one that's a real name and one that's just a made up version of the other name. They're like, this is Amanda and Bamanda. Tammy and Bami. No, literally. Like I feel so bad for the one with like the made up name.

It's like, oh, Stephanie and Bethany. Like, oh my God, poor Bethany. I also feel bad for people that have the name Allison, but it's spelled in some fucked up weird way. It's not kind. It's just, it's like, don't you realize what you've just done to poor Allison? It's not kind, yeah.

All the hassles she's going to go through. Allison with a J. Yeah, or whatever. And it's like, don't do this to your children. Oh, it's terrible. I mean, is it interesting? It'd be more interesting to give your child an interesting name.

Yeah. That's easier to spell. Yeah, yeah. Than it is to give your child a common name that is hard to spell. Right, right, right. I would rather my name be Battery. Right.

Than James with a Q. Right, right, exactly. Tapioca. Yeah. Oh my god, if my name was Tapioca. Oh, that'd be so good. Would you ever give your kid, would you ever, what do you think about people

giving their kids weird names? What are your kids' names? My kids' names are William, Mercy, and Cornelia. Well, Cornelia I did not name because Cornelia is my adoptive daughter. She was a little less than two when I came into her life. I do wanna say I feel like William got shafted. Mm. Because like Mercy. Tough shit.

My God, Mercy's such a cool name. Yeah, yeah. How do you do William and Mercy? Because William. Mercy sounds like she's in a roller derby. Make way for Mercy! William was, I mean, I have an uncle, William. He was named for a few different people.

Uh-huh. And he was going to be Oscar William, but then when he was born, we looked at him and he did not seem like an Oscar. He seemed like a William and so we just... More like a Golden Globe? I don't know. Yeah. But... More of an Emmy than Oscar. Well, you know what? It was just something... I can't explain it, but it was just, because they do come out themselves.

When they're still wet, you can sort of get a sense of like, oh, okay, I see who this person is. And then Mercy was named, which my ex-wife was like, I get to name the second one because you named the first one, which I was like, I don't remember it that way. I thought it was a collaborative process. But she liked the idea of giving her an old name.

And the name Mercy was a very popular name in like the 1850s. That is an old name. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she could have gone Hazel. Yeah. Agnes. They're actually- Agatha. There are some Hazels, little girl Hazels.

Beatrice. I have an aunt named Hazel. Yeah. Which she's the matri major of my family though. Right, right. She is the, my mom's oldest. Yeah, yeah. And she looks, she looks like a Hazel.

Right. Like no one's shook that my aunt's name is Hazel. Like yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Right. There are, there are names, like I'm like, you just like don't see any Dorothy's. Yeah. You know, little girl Dorothy's.

My mom's name is, my mom's name is Martha. Or Dolores, you know. My mom's name was Martha. Martha. You're not five girl Dorothy's. My mom's name is Martha. Dolores. My mom's name was Martha. Martha. You're not five, there's no five-year-old name Martha. Yeah, yeah. There's just some names that are too old lady. This is my daughter.

Florence. Florence? Yeah, yeah. This is my daughter Gertrude. This is Beatrice. Here's Beatrice. She's three. This is Eunice.

Okay. My little girl Eunice. Let me sell you on a name. Okay. And then we should go, because I'm keeping you way too long. Yeah, no, no. Winifred.

Is anybody getting in here after us? Not for another, it's at 12 o'clock. Okay, okay. Winifred. Yes. Winifred is a beautiful name. It's a beautiful name. And here's why.

And I like Winnie is cute. It's an old lady name. Yeah. You can also go Winnie. Yeah. You can also call her Wendy. Yeah. Or you can call her Freddie.

Freddie, yeah, yeah. That's so cute! A little girl named Freddie! Well, go out and go steal a girl. I don't want to have kids. I don't even want to have plants. I had a, you know how people who like feel bad when their plants die?

Yeah, yeah. I don't care. Yeah. I had a plant just like dying, like dying in front of me. And my friend had one plant at my front door. And a plant just like dying in front of me. I had one plant at my front door and it was just like so just ugly and sad. And people would come by and you know people were like, oh no, I don't give a fuck about that plant.

And I replaced it with a fake plant that looks exactly like it. And I'm so much happier. All you got to do is dust it. Before I go, I want to say this. I wrote a New York Times bestselling book. It's called Herod Tubman lies in concert. I know that was, I gotta get there to that. I'm so bad. I'm in New York Times bestselling book. It's called Herod Tubman Live in Concert.

I know, I gotta get there to that. I'm so bad. I'm in the worst interview ever. Yeah, yeah. And I got a copy of it. I didn't have time to read the whole thing, but I started it and it's really funny and interesting. Thank you.

It's just like not at all what one would expect. I don't mean that in any. No, I don't mean that. It sounds like an SNL sketch when you hear the title. Yeah, and also it's like, it's just, it's not like about Bob the Drag Queen. Yeah, nothing to do with it. It's a story, it's a story, you know,

and it's a really interesting, almost kind of has like a science fiction-y kind of, Yeah. you know, kind of vibe to it. It's a fantasy historical fiction novel. Yeah, yeah. And if you wanna read it, you can go to readthedragqueen.com.

It'll tell you where to get it at a local bookstore. It can tell you all the places to get it, audiobook and everything. And once you get in the cardio, which you're doing, it is only four and a half hours listen. Oh wow. Four and a half hours. That's a trip to and from San Diego.

Right, exactly. Yeah. I guess I'm going to San Diego for some reason. There it is. I'll just get there and San Diego for some reason. There it is. I'll just get there and turn around, take a leak and turn around. Or just like a Monday five o'clock trip downtown from the Valley, three of those.

Exactly, yeah, no, that's the thing too. It's like leaving here and going home. Are you in the Valley? I'm in Pasadena. Pasadena, you're in Pasadena. But yeah, I... You live here now or no? I live right here in Hollywood.

Oh, okay. And how long have you been in LA? October 2020. Oh, okay. So it'll be five years in October. Just, I moved here. Like in the middle of pandemic. I moved, when I lived in New York City,

it was the height of the pandemic. It was the COVID capital of the world. Yeah. And then I moved here and it became the COVID capital of the world. It was insane. I think it was me. It's me, as Cynthia Rivo would say, it's me.

Patient zero. Literally. But I moved here because I, this is not true, I told myself this, but it wasn't true. I said I moved here because I got a, literally a tiny guest spot on Lucifer. Like a tiny guest spot on Lucifer.

I'm moving to LA because I got this role, which is crazy. I moved here for a boy. I moved here for a guy. I moved here for a man, and we're not together anymore. Right, right, because he couldn't take the fucking, just the goddamn confrontation. There it is, but you know what, he's not here now. Where's he?

Dead in the ground? Mexico. Oh. Puerto Rican. Puerto Rican. He moved to Mexico. People always go, what's your ex Mexican? I go, yeah, he probably still is.

Probably still is. Yeah, I think so. He don't speak, but I imagine he's still Mexican. It's hard to wash your hands of that. Being Mexican. Alright, so you also co-host the podcast, Sibling Rivalry. And you have some live shows coming up,

and they can be found on your website, which is? SeeTheDragQueen.com. And you've also released, who else does this, a single to accompany your novel? Yeah, I have two singles. I have Queen of the Underground and I have Now I See available on my YouTube page, on all music platforms. And something I'm really, really proud of, I'm really proud of this. I don't even know if it's on your paper. That's probably what you get to your paper before I get to it. On Mother's Day, I released a comedy special

called The Dead Moms Comedy Club. It is a comedy special, because Mother's Day can be really hard for people who have lost their mothers. I lost my mother a year ago on Mother's Day. It was my mother died on Mother's Day, which is very dramatic. Very dramatic. My mother is a very dramatic woman. She. It was, it was, my mother died on Mother's Day, which is very dramatic. Wow. Very dramatic, my mother is a very dramatic woman.

She knew how to do it. She really did. I always said I have to top it. I was like, I'm gonna kill myself for my birthday, I don't care. I will have the best death in this family. And it's called Dead Mom's Coming to Cup, it's for free, it is on my YouTube page.

And if you want the uncensored version, you can go to my Patreon, just go to the sibling rivalry Patreon. And it is a really great thing. Before I leave, I have to say one last thing. All right. And I cannot be the first person to say this. All right.

Your desk is shaped like a penis. It's not mine. But there's no way I'm the first one to say it. This is a very phallic desk. Has anyone said that, Joe? People have said that. I mean, balls, shafts, and heads. Oh wow, I didn't even notice that.

The whole thing. The thing kind of looked like Tron testicle a little bit. It's a very angular. It's a very spaceship II Penis desk for sure and Joe's right there at the top of the vast difference. There it is ready to Spray out the pod to infinity and beyond All right. Well Bob. Thank you so much Harriet Tubman live in concert. You can get it anywhere And this has been a joy and I'm so happy and I'm such a fan and this was a This is fun. Thank you. You know, sometimes this podcasting It's easy. Thank you and fun. Yeah, it was very nice to hear. Good. Good

So again, if you want to read my book go go to readthedragqueen.com. If you want to see me live, go to seethedragqueen.com. See what I did there? That is, it's really easy. See what I did there. You really are talking down to your audience. All right, everyone. Thanks so much for listening.

I'll be back next week with more of this. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Nick Leow, Adam Sacks, and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, with assistance from Maddie Ogden. Research by Alyssa Grahl. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter

wherever you get your podcasts. And do you have a favorite question you always like to ask people? Let us know in the review section. Can't you tell my love's a-growing? Can't you feel it ain't a-showin'? Oh, you must be a-knowin'. I've got a big, big love.

This has been a Team Coco production. You must be knowin' I've got a big, big love