The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Caitlin Reilly: Performance Anxiety Stories

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

Comedian and actress Caitlin Reilly joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your PERFORMANCE ANXIETY STORIES! They also discuss Caitlin’s recent honeymoon, Andy becoming the “people’s princess” (according to Caitlin) on “Dancing with the Stars,” and which competition show Andy should do next (watch out, “Traitors!”). Want to call in to a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask a question. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Andy Richter Call-in Show, Andy Richter. Thanks for tuning in. We're back again. You can call us at 855-266-2-604. Our topic today is performance anxiety.

And it should be a really fun show because we got Caitlin Riley here. Hello. Newlywed. Newly-wed. I was actually surprised you were coming because the last, I mean, just days ago, I saw Instagram honeymoon videos. I was on my honeymoon up until a couple. couple days ago. Wow. And it was in Hawaii. It was in Hawaii. Hawaii. Which one? Maui.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Had you been before? So I've been to Maui many, many times in my childhood with my family. We used to go all the time. So it was a special place to me. And we stayed at the hotel that we would always stay at. I was like, I'm going to take my husband to this special place. He'd never been to Hawaii. And the hotel changed a lot. And it kind of felt like we were on a cruise ship on land. Oh, boy. And it all of a sudden felt like we were in a Margaritaville. This was not the hotel I remember. So we hated it. We had a really great time. We had a great honeymoon. We had some lovely experiences. But we hated our time at our hotel. That's too bad. Yeah. I had a, we had a similar, my ex-wife.

wife and I had a similar situation where before we had kids, we went on a vacation. We stayed in Sicily and we stayed at this town outside of Palermo and there was this beautiful old hotel. It looked like it was a time capsule from the 50s. And then like 20 years later took my son wasn't available. He was on a trip with school, but we took our daughter there and it had turned into like, you know, whatever you call it, Love Island. Yes. It was just like thumping disco music all the time. That is what happened to this resort.

So all day long, just, ins, ins, ins, ins, ins, like you would be on the beach in Maui. Yeah. And you would have to hear it. I would hear, I got a feeling, ins, ins, ins, it's like they would play black eyed peas. Yeah, yeah. They would play John Legend.

Yeah. Blurred, like all of these songs from 12, 10 years ago. Yes, yes. It was awful. They feel good songs. They're party songs. Yeah. Everyone loves them.

I went to the front desk and I was like, hi. So my family used to stay here many, many years ago for a long time. Is the music constant or does it ever shut off? And the person at the front desk was like, oh, we love to have a good time around here. Oh, my God. I was like, okay, great. Yeah, yeah. That's great.

That's fantastic. No, it was like, it was like AI, like. like MacBook computer garage band non-descript pop song playing all it was a song you've never heard of by an artist that doesn't exist and it was the same tune it was just background noise

like you were inside of Azara in a cruise ship on land awful on my honeymoon we went to roads in Greece and we went to like this kind of beach club you know spend 20 bucks and spend the day at this beach club. And I just spent the whole day shazamming all the music.

And it was things like impossible peach. You know, or like, you know, purple envy. All these different, like, who the hell is purple envy? Do you watch Love Island? I do not. Okay. Well, no, no, no, not Love Island. Excuse me.

Love is blind. I have seen it. I have seen it. You need to like hunker down and get into it. But every single song that plays on that, show is what I call a non-song. Yes, yes. Somebody made it. Yes. Somebody singing

it. There must be a factory like a sweatshop where they're cranking out like shitty transitional music for reality shows. Somewhere in Russia. Yeah, yeah. Like the song's on traitors. Yeah. You need to get on traders. Oh, well,

all right. I'll do that. You need to call Andy's agent. No, you need to get on traders. You know what? I forgot. I didn't reference you because some people, I mean, some duds out there don't know. Everybody knows who I am, maybe. That you're an actress and comedian. You've been on hacks, loot, in the know, and TikTok. You've been on TikTok?

Yes, I have. She also hosted the official Wednesday podcast for Netflix. Is that still going on or is that done? I think it's done. Yeah. That was a lot of fun. I bet it was. That's a fun show.

It was a lot of fun. And it was a lot of work. Yeah. It was a lot of fun. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

So, and now you're back. You're married. I'm back. I'm married. I'm rooting and tootin and hollering. We're talking performance anxiety, which you probably underwent, considering that you lost your virginity. This, you know. I did.

I lost my virginity two weeks ago. I had a UTI for my entire honeymoon. Oh, my God. And that's real. No, you didn't. Yeah. Oh, my God. Shitty hotel and UTI.

So my honeymoon was 10 days. I had a UTI for nine days. I was on antibiotics on my honeymoon and just had to take it easy. And was it like wedding stress UTI, you think? Yeah, yeah, because my husband's very clean. I meant nothing by anything. Okay, he's clean.

And after sex, we pee. We both pee. Ladies, everybody. No, it was like my body just exploded after the stress. Wedding is wedding serve. They're lovely, but it is like... Yeah. And then the week, literally the week of our wedding,

my in-laws came in a week early because they wanted to spend family time and help and my father-in-law was in the hospital because he had, he's totally fine, but he had a heart episode. Oh, wow. So literally he got discharged from the hospital the day before the rehearsal dinner.

So that whole week, the stress of the wedding on top of, oh, my husband's dad is in the hospital. hospital down the street right now. And we don't know what's going on. The universe really didn't want you guys to get married. Yeah. No, they didn't. They wanted you to continue living in sin. Yeah. Well, uh, should we go to the phones? Do you want to chat a little bit more? I mean, we were talking about dancing with the stars. What do you want from me? I don't know. Let's talk about dancing with the stars. All right. Yeah. Because you did want to talk about, we started talking and you said, let's save it for the care. I keep calling Andy the people's princess. That's what people online

have been calling me. Yes. And I'll take it. Yeah. I don't know why it necessarily. Because I consider myself a definite sexual threat. You are a sexual threat. Yeah, yeah.

Like there's like, man, this guy could start fucking at any time. Yeah. Yeah. Just hold on to your hats. Yeah, yeah. Look out. Look out. This guy, you better put in your IUD before you even get on the same block with this guy.

Is that Charlie Hanam? Oh, God. No, sorry. It's Andy Richter. I think you could win the whole thing Oh my God I don't think I can I think you can I don't think I can

Physically? Do your knees hurt? Oh they fucking kill me Yeah no And my I did find out And this is I've talked about this before I did About two months after I

No more than two months after I found out I need a hip replacement Shut up Yeah I've been having problems My left leg and they're trying All different kind of things And then they finally figured out Oh you're your hip

There's no, there's bone on bone going on in there, so. Do you have the genetic thing that happens to, to, what is it, hip dysplasia or whatever it's called? I don't have, that's dogs. Oh, well, it's all the same. No, but I do have, I do have what's called impingement, which is that the balls of the ball and socket, the, you know, the femur, the top of my femur is not, it's not round. It's like egg shaped. Ew, ew, ew. So it's been sort of grinding my entire life.

Ew, ew. So, so that's, that's hereditary. That's genetic. Yes, that is, that is hereditary. And it's the same on the other side, too, so, you know. So my mom had the same exact thing, and she had to get a double hip replacement because she had that exact thing. Wow.

Both at the same time? Yes. Wow. It was gnarly. And was she, like, immobilized, or was she? Well, she's always, she always was immobilized. Right, sure. She was a very sedentary person.

She liked that. Yeah, yeah. She loved a cocktail in bed. Yes. She loved her TiVo. They used my, because once they realized I was. going to be an actress. They're like, well, she's not going to go to real college. They took my college money and put a pool in the backyard so my mom could swim. Oh, that's fantastic.

And she never went in it. But she did get a double hip replacement and she was great. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm due for it. I actually have it scheduled. January 2nd. I got my brother and sister having their twins and they're having their 50th birthday in New Orleans in December. You have twin siblings? I have twin brother and sister who are nine years younger than me. That is so crazy. creepy. It's not really. Oh, it's creepy. Twins are creepy.

Look, they shared a womb together. That's creepy. It's creepy. It's great. Do they live in, do they live together? No. Do they dress the same? All the time. Do they look exactly alike?

No, they do not. They're fraternal because they're boy and girl. Oh, right. The identicals are, yeah, they got to be. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you jealous that they were twins? No.

Were they closer with each other than with you? Well, yeah, because there's nine years difference. I mean, now it's all kind of leveled out. So how old was your mom when you were born? She was 26. And so math. She was how old when they were born? She was 35.

35. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Good for her. Yeah, yeah. She was shitting out a couple eggs at a time by that point. So your parents were like very much in love.

They were rooting and tutin. Well, this was. this was the second marriage oh never mind no the first one fell apart miserably and then she got together we may have we may have yeah yeah but uh i don't know i just love you i just want to know all about shop well i want to know about people's performance anxiety stories do you have a good i mean you're an actress and a performer and a very funny one thank you and have you i mean is stage fright a thing in your life still or huge is it still yeah it's it's constant and quite prominent I have a lot of anxiety.

Do you have anxiety just out, just generally, generally in life? Yes, all the time. Yeah. I had anxiety about wearing leopard pants today. I'm wearing leopard pants to the listeners. Right. But yeah, no, like any audition I have, any auditions are really hard for me. You can do like self tapes, which I love.

I hate those. Or see, I love them because I'm in full control. I can do whatever I want. I can do as many. I can do the perfect take. Here you are. this is truly the best I can do in-person auditions and Zoom auditions are the bane of my existence. I completely choke.

Yeah, yeah. Something happens to my brain where I just, I can't read anymore. I don't know what words do. I don't, it's awful. It can be weird, especially when they tell you to do something over and make a desired change, give you a note and you do it. And then they go one more time, do it again. And then within a couple goes, you're like, I don't even know what these words mean anymore. I don't know what my name is.

Yeah, these words sound like a foreign language. Yeah, I completely clam up and my hands start to show. It's really, I have really bad audition. I like the in-person ones, maybe because it's, I'm old and that's how it was when I started. Yeah. And, but I like. In person is nice. In person.

And also it's too is like, most of the time, the, the. material that you're reading is shitty yes so i like the there to be someone there who represents the shitty material to give me some idea of how they want me to do it because i look at it and i just go this is shitty i don't know how to do this because it's so dumb yeah and then they'll say or you do it once and then they go we're looking more for this and that can be so so so helpful so much more helpful than then figuring it out yourself because all it takes is one adjustment and you're like, oh, I was thinking something completely different about what you wanted out of this character or out of these lines. So I still like those, but I don't think they're really ever coming

back. No, no one has the time. They're cheaper. It's just cheap. It's it's cheaper to do Zoom. It's cheaper to do self-takes. I think Zoom auditions are crazy to make people do that. It's pretty crazy. It's insane to have to make someone perform to a computer screen. I had a callback for something where I was like, hey, I'm going to have a reader in the room with me and I'm going to act with that person in the room with me. And they pushed back a lot. And I was like, hey, so I'm so, I cannot act on Zoom with you. And so I had a reader in the room with me and then I got the parts. Oh, well, you showed them. I showed them.

Did they apologize for their folly? No, because everyone does it. Everyone does the Zooms. Everyone pushes back. I can't. Whenever I get a Zoom audition, I want to cry. That and full body slates. Full body slates are sinister. Do you still have to do?

You don't have to audition anymore. I sure as fuck do. Do you have to do slates? Absolutely. I have to, Sean, my producer, I make him record them with me because. Who is making Andy Richter do a full body slate in this fucking town? I don't. Can I swear? Yeah, of course you can.

In this goddamn fucking town. The fucking charlatans that run this thing. So you have to do the full body slate where you zoom in? No, no, I don't zoom in. I just like go stand by a door and go Andy Richter, Los Angeles. You know, like, because they're like, where are you from? That's crazy. Mail.

Mail. Yeah, moderately male. But they, yeah, no, I still have to do them. They don't, they just, there was, I mean, there was a point in my career. where it was and I first of all there was a point where I like I left the cone show came out here I had sitcoms of my own

and then you know my agents were like offer only which means just you know the if you want him you got to offer them you know well I was always like listen I'm not a free you know I'm offer only right now I just feel like Why is that funny? Because

because I just don't Okay I think you're laughing at me I know I well I mean I did laugh because I thought, are you Woffer only now? Of course not. Well, then let me laugh at it. God damn it. No.

You set a trap. I fell into it and then you're like, you fell into a trap. This is what I do to my husband. This is what I do to my husband. Oh, no wonder the universe is against it. They were trying to save him. Yeah. Please get out while you can.

No, I always felt like, let me audition. I let him kick the tires before or take a test drive on this thing. I don't, if they don't want me, they don't want me. I don't want them to, like, buy a pig and a poke, as they say. And then decide they made a terrible choice. But then after a while, that offer only thing, that expires. Yeah. They're like, yeah, fuck you.

Get in here. Yeah. Yeah. And I honestly don't mind. Yeah, that's very much something. I do think, I never expected acting to be anything but that. Right. You know, it's auditions.

To me, I didn't even know that was a thing. Right. I didn't think about it, but I, you know. That's 90% of it, for me at least, right now, is I just feel like I'm 90% of my time has spent auditioning. Do you have strategies for dealing with that anxiety? No. No. Just holes burning in my stomach.

I have to get delusionally confident. Yeah. Where I have to be like, I'm divinely protected. They're lucky to have me. I do not chase. I attract. What is meant for me will simply find. me. So I do that.

I have the same thing, but my version of it is like, I'm better than all these fuckers. That too. Yeah. Fuck these fucking fuckers. I'm better than all of them. I meant for greatness. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. God damn it. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. Yeah. Fuck you. Everybody. Fuck the world. Uh-huh. Yeah. Andy Richter, Los Angeles. Yeah. So let me take that again. Great.

Well, let's go to the phones. Yeah. That's the idea this show is talking to people. We got David from Virginia. And oh my gosh. He's talking about a dance lesson. Oh, it's all coming together. David, hello. Hello, how are you, Andy? I'm good, thanks.

How are you? Yeah, I'm doing great. I'm in the Shenandoah, the beautiful Shenandoah Valley of Virginia in a town called Woodstock, Virginia. Oh, beautiful. Well, tell Caitlin and I your story. Well, it's the story that starts in a snowy January night in early

1976, and it's the story of how Bruce Springsteen taught me how to dance with my future wife. What? So, big,

this is quite the lead. It begins, yeah, it begins with me on, on a Christmas break from school, and I was visiting my college girlfriend

who was not my future wife, by the way. All right. And her home, I wasn't wondering, in Point Pleasant Beach. Yeah, yeah. She sounds awful.

She was at her home in Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey. No, she was great. She was wonderful. Oh, okay. Then you sound awful. No, I'm not. She and I bonded over a mutual love of Bruce. And so that night, it was a snowy, snowy night, and we borrowed her mother's station wagon,

and we drove to Asbury Park because Southside Johnny and the Asbury Jukes were playing at the Stone Pony. and so we got to the Stone Pony What? That just that string of words Just just Do you know what that means? No but I just loved every word

I'm so young I'm so young I loved it Okay I'm so sorry to interrupt At a certain time that was a No no no Southside Johnny Southside Johnny was sort of the grandfather of the New Jersey South he was a friend of Bruce's And so if you were a fan of Bruce back then

You were a fan of South Side And the Stone Pony was was the legendary club in Asbury where they all started. Wow. So that, right? So we got there, and it's a blizzard, so the parking lot, it's unclouded, and there's practically no cars in the place. And inside the staff, it was just the staff, the band,

and the girlfriends of the band. The place was otherwise empty because of the storm. So we were the only customers. And other than the girlfriends of the band, the dance floor was just bare, right? And so, but Southside, who was wonderful, he was performing like it was a, you know, packed Coliseum. And so we ordered burgers and beer. And Andy, you'll remember this. You know, only two months before this, Springsteen was on the cover of both time and Newsweek the same week, remember?

Right. And that was like breaking the, today, that would be like breaking the Internet, right? Yeah, yeah. A big deal. He was like Kim Kardashian. Exactly. Right. Yeah, exactly.

His sex tape kicked off his home. career. Right. Yeah, exactly. So when the door opened, this blizzard blew in and in walks Springsteen. And plus the whole East Street band and a couple of others in a small, you know, entourage. Yeah. And my, my girlfriend, Leanne, turned to us and turned to Joe, who was also with us. And she said, don't look now, but God just walked in. And of course, I was awestruck. But the strangest thing was that another friend of mine, who was from Detroit, I saw was in the entourage, which was totally a non-secretor. Yeah, coincidentally. So I went up, hugged her, and I said, you know, what the hell is going on? And the deal was she was dating Bruce's road manager. Oh. And she told me that this night was Clarence Clemens' birthday.

And Clarence, God rest of soul, was stuck on his birthday in Manhattan working with Scorsese on that movie, New York, New York. And so he was miserable up there. And so Bruce in the band, she said, had kidnapped Clarence, gave him a hiv acid. And they all drove down together from the city through the snowstorm to the Stone Pony to party with South Side Johnny. And they invited us to join them at their table. And we started dancing together. And that's when Bruce Springsteen taught me something about women. He was with this tall, he was a little. He was a with this tall, really beautiful woman, and he appeared completely transfixed by this woman. And as I was dancing next to the two of them, I watched how Bruce, his eyes never, ever left hers.

And for the entire time on the dance floor, for the entire night, that woman was the only woman in the room, the only person in the room. And Andy, I think about that every single time I've ever danced on the dance floor with my own wife of 45 years. Oh, wow. That's the story I wanted to tell you. Oh, nice. So it wasn't that he said, hey, buddy, get a load of this. You want to get a chick?

No, he just became my role model. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's very observant of you. And that does sound like a really fun night, actually. That's an incredible story. And can I just say, I thought that the East Street band was a metaphor. No, it's a real thing. I didn't know that it was a real band.

It's a real band. Didn't know that. people. Didn't know. I'm so young. I'm so young. I don't know. No, there, you know, like to say that God walked in, that's a bit much. Like, I still, you know, but I, I, she was being, she was being, she was cynical. Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, she was being snotty. All right, then I love it. No, no, no. She, she's been following him since she was like 14, you know, all the local bands on the Jersey shore. And so when all of a sudden, when she, he was time in Newsweek, she was like, oh, God, Now he's gone.

He's ruined. He's ruined now. Wow. Well, thank you, David. That was an excellent story. Oh, good. And by the way, congratulations on last night. You were great.

You did well. Oh, thank you so much. It was a perfect song, sure. Thank you. All right. Take care of guys. All right. Bye-bye now.

Bye-bye. All right. Next up, I hope everyone talks about dancing with the stars. I hope no one talks about performance anxiety. Well, it's funny you say that Because we are very lax on this show You know, you've been here before Hey, hey, we don't need you to be on topic

You can be off topic and we call those wild cards If you just want to share you want to share Oh, wow And we currently have Emily from Mass I hope that means Massachusetts I hope she's not at church right now But she has a wild card story Every time

Emily Hello. Hi, how are you? Good, good. You got me. Thank you. You got me and you got Caitlin Riley and we want to hear your story. Yeah. Okay. So when my son was three months old, we went and visited my in-laws in New Hampshire, their house for the first time. And when we were there, the baby went to bed upstairs. We shut the door. and then when we were sitting in the living room, I noticed that there was a bat flying around in the house. Wow. So, yeah. So we opened the front door. I made sure that the door to my son's bedroom was shut.

And then we sort of sat around talking about like, you know, wildlife encounters. And later on, I went up to bed and I was falling asleep. and something swooped down and sort of woke me up. No. Wait. Okay, wait. There was a bad in the living room and everyone just went, oh, yeah, there's a bat.

Nobody did anything about it? We opened the front door. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. Oh, it probably flew out in the baby's room. The door shut, so it's fine. So we went to bed later, and then the bat swooped down and woke me up. No.

into the room somehow, or it was a different bat or we don't know how it got in there. And it's like they live in like a residential, they don't live like, we weren't in like a cave or something. Right, no. Well, bats are everywhere. They're a very common part of it. Bats are everywhere. Yeah, they're everywhere. So we called the pediatrician and she said you have to go to the emergency room because if it is a rabbit bat and on the off chance.

But just the fact that it was in the room was enough to have to go to the emergency room. Okay. I mean, you know. Sorry, go ahead. No, no, no, you go. I'm on the edge of my seat. You can only get a rabies vaccine in an emergency room. So you can't go to like a pharmacy or urgent care or something.

You have to go to the emergency room. So we went and all three of us had to get it because we were all in that room. We're like, well, this is just an abundance. of caution there's no way that he sure i mean you would have to have bitten you right it's not like it could just breathe on you no they're apparently they're just they're just riddled with didn't didn't bat start covid hold on am i wrong wait am i wrong they weren't sure they were also saying it was um what do you call it uh that kind of you know like like wild meat what do you call it's like a particular kind of at a wet market you know

And I think it was like a pangolin or something they were they were suspecting. Oh, no. But, yeah, no, I don't think so. I don't think we can pin it on bats. Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm going to.

Yeah. So sorry. So sorry. I interrupted. Way to go, RFC. It's the bats. Yeah. So we asked him talk to the doctor and the nurse was going to prepare the shots.

We noticed that he did have a bite on the back of his neck. The child? Yeah, my three-month-old. Oh, my God. Like two little teeth marks? Yeah. Oh. Yep, because we looked it up online and it looked exactly like that.

And we didn't wake up or cry or anything because it's, most people don't feel it because their teeth are so, so small. Yeah. Oh, my God. Emily. And so, yeah, so we got the shots and then we went home and it was like one in the morning when we. we got home and his aunt and uncle were there too and everyone came downstairs and their pajamas and bath robes and we're like, oh my God. And they caught the bat in the bag because you can actually send it to the state lab to see if it's rabid. That's right. So then we had to

call the New Hampshire Fish and Game the next day. And my husband and I had to go and do it. And it's actually a, I mean, to get more shots, it's actually a series of four. So all three of us had to go four separate times to get the shot. So that's like 12 times an ER co-pay, which is fun. Oh, wow. But yeah, so they caught the bat in a bag. It still wasn't

dead the next day. So my father-in-law he like stepped on it. No. No. You got to do something. No. That's murder. That's murder. Yeah, I know. It's murder. It's murder. It has to be dead.

I felt kind of, you know, bad about that. I didn't, you know, want to die of rabies either. That's okay. It's a fucking bad. Who cares? The mosquitoes were happy. So, so you ship it off? Yeah, a guy came to their house.

It was actually like, we tried to call the, we tried to figure out how to call, and the state police kept picking up. And we were, like, trying to explain, like, we were trying to connect. But they came to their house and picked it up and brought it to a lab. And unfortunately, it was not robbed. So, in the clear. No. Fortunately. Did you say, unfortunately?

Fortunately. Oh, fortunately. Okay, yeah, good. So your son. Although it's unfortunate that you had to get 12 shots or whatever it was. You all had to go. It's a lot of shots. Yeah, those 12 co-pays were a waste.

You should have just. inquired Excuse me, bat Are you rabid? Hi, we have a question We decided to keep You know To finish the series

Because in case it was like The wrong bat or it was a false Positive or you don't know Because you will die It's easy become afraid of water Right apparently And you might as well Because then you guys can become the bat family

You all can fuck around with bats all you want Yeah Emily Well, I did get him a bat Halloween costume for this year. Good. My husband and I will be, we have vampire cloaks to go along with him. Well, I was going to say, Emily, are you a fan of Twilight? Oh, that's the joke.

You know, I never really got into Twilight, but I was calling him Edward Cohen, but no one else thought it was funny. I think that's hilarious. I think that you need to sit down with your son and watch all of Twilight. And I think that your son's a vampire. Boy, is there a bat bite in there or something? That's how you become a vampire. A bat bite you? Yeah.

Oh, well. No, no, no. Well, no. I thought a vampire bites you. That's the, so the vampire origin is connected to the bat. From the vampire bat biting you. Yes. Yeah.

But then. They can shape shift into that, something like that. Yeah. But then to become a vampire, it's vampire on vampire violence, right? So a vampire needs to like bite you. or something, suck your blood, and then you become a vampire. Right. It's very, very detailed.

It's very intricate. It is. Yeah. And then a few days after that, I took him to the pediatrician for an unrelated appointment, and I noticed that he'd another one on his shoulder. So he was actually bit twice. Oh, my God. He was in one of those, like, port-a-cribbs, like the ones with the mesh sides.

Yeah, yeah. And I think it, like, swooped down and got, like, taught. in there and got confused and he was he had rolled onto his stomach and his neck and his shoulder were like exposed so i think yeah um i think that's what happened he also might be delicious that's always a that's a delicious little baby he probably tastes like so yum yum yum yum all right well emily thank you so much for the wildcar call thank you thank you thank you All right. 855-266-2604 is the phone number. We're talking performance anxiety. We have Victoria from Daytona Beach. Hello. Hi, Victoria. Hello. Hi. How's it going? Oh, good. How are you?

Good, good, good. I'm glad to be talking to you. Thank you. Is Daytona Beach still a spring break nightmare town? No, it's not actually. It did a complete flip-flop and it's actually been pretty. get around here. Really? How come? What happened? Yeah. I don't know. MTV, well, MTV got kicked out a couple of years ago, you know, years ago. And ever since then, I guess it just kind of got quieter and quieter and quieter. Well, that must be nice. I guess, yeah, but I miss the nightlife. Now, it was nice. The whole reason we moved here from New Jersey. Oh. And then they go. You moved to Daytona for the night life. Yeah, but yeah, yep, and the beach.

You seem like a cool chick, Victoria. I like what you're all about, early. She went to party town to party. Well, tell us, there was no party. Tell us about your performance anxiety story. Okay, so with my second son, with my first son, I had a C-section, which was easy, peasy. You know, you don't feel anything, and you just kind of lay there. And next thing you know, you have a baby.

Well, with the second one, I had all back labor pain, and I had no clue that I was in labor. I just figured, oh, well, he moved around, and, you know, it's hurt in my back. So I waited hours and hours until I was like, I can't take this pain no more. I'm going to the hospital. So I get to the hospital, and they're like, oh, my God, you are in labor. We need you to start pushing now. And the nurse hits a button on the wall, and about 20 doctors. and nurses come running in the room, and they got me, like, spread eagle on the bed, and they're like, okay, you got to push now. And I had no clue what that meant. So I just went ahead and tried pushing, and they're like, no, that's not it. You don't know how to push. And I'm like, oh, my God, but now I'm, like, stressed out to the max. I'm like, oh, I don't know what that means. And he actually had to explain to me how to push and, you know, had to have this baby because I had no clue. You know, nobody ever told me what that was all about.

They sound really mean. They kind of were at first, and then they realized that I'm stressing out. So they kind of, you know, change tones a little bit. Well, that's nice. It's sad that their first go-to mode is be fucking mean and then like, oh, that bothers her. Let's be nice. Yeah. Hey, listen, lady.

Yeah. You don't know how to push. Yeah, yeah. Was this in Daytona, Victoria? No. No, it was in New Jersey. Okay. That sounds like.

Where Bruce Springsteen is from. Yeah. But now, well, now here, I have a question. Were you expecting to have this child in a V-back, which is a vaginal birth after cesarean? Okay. Oh, exactly. Or were you going to have another cesarean? That's what I thought was going to happen.

Yeah. That's what I've been told my whole life. Yeah. Yeah. And so when you went in, did you say, well, I mean, they obviously knew you had a cesarian because there's the scar. but they're like, no, you're going to have this child through the canal. And I'm having it now. Wow.

I mean, he was crowning at the time. Oh, my God. Yeah. It was in a, we were in a bad way. So with no time for epidural? No, no. In fact, the doctor was bragging about that. Or he was like, you can go and brag to your friends about how you had no epidural.

I just gave this birth. I hate this doctor. I hate this doctor. Well, he was an orthopedist. Oh, right. Yes. Yeah, that explains. Yeah, yeah.

Well, so tell us, go back to, you start pushing. They tell you how to, and do you get the hang of it? Yeah, I do kind of get the hang of it. And it starts to, you know, naturally happen, I guess. But it was so painful at that point. I'm like, are you sure that I'm doing this the right way? it's pretty painful. And I, you know, had him, and he was healthy and everything.

But, you know, it was just so much anxiety at the point, you know, talk about, you know, anxiety. Yes, yes. Well, yeah. And also there's nurses that come running in and, you know, you're just laying there. Yeah, surprise, surprise. So, yeah, yeah, she's Louise, Victoria. I had, I was only having back pain. And I didn't know that I was in the middle of giving birth.

I just thought they were going to check me out and be like, oh, yeah, you know, nothing to worry about. You just have back pain, you know. Wow. Yeah. And then to be told you, you don't know how to push. That does seem to be an insult to the core of your womanhood. I'd say so. Yeah.

Yeah. Pretty embarrassing. Well, well, it all worked out. It did. It did. And you didn't have to go under the knife again. no thank God yeah yeah is your son is your son successful uh he's 10 oh okay so i guess we won't know once is he successful right yeah well yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i guess it's yeah

yeah i guess it was worth that yeah it all worked out yeah all right with victoria thank you so much for calling hey thank you so much man and you have and uh have a nice thing all right you too have a good one All right, 855-266-2-604 is the number here. Yeah, that, yeah, because my older kids were both Cesarians, and that was this between the first and the second. Is that like Hungarian? No.

It is like cut open at the bikini line from pretty much hip to hip. And then you take the kid out. Did they take your organs out too? No, I don't think they do. No, no, I don't think they do. I did watch the first one. The first, my first kid, my son, we intended to do natural childbirth. And she was, she was in labor.

Well, I mean, I don't, you know, she was in labor for about 24 hours and then pushed for three hours. And he was just, they eventually decided to do a seat. section just because his head was just a little misaligned in the pelvis so he was getting pushed yeah he was getting she was pushing and you could act what it's crazy because i could see and i could see the hair on the top of his head as she was pushing i could see him there wow and um so they decided to do the c section and they had me sit up by uh my ex-wife's head and they put a sheet up like you know like so that I couldn't see the rest of her bodies but I'm by her head and I'm talking to her and the doctor said I said can I just watch you

and I put this up and he's like no no we don't want you passing out and taking out of a bunch of equipment and I was like don't worry I won't and then he said he said yeah no you're not you can't see he said but I will call you over when it's time to cut the umbilical because that's it's like you know it's like when a new business opens and the mayor cuts the ribbon yeah You're the mayor of the ball. Big ceremonial gold scissors. Yeah. No, but so he's like, okay, well, we got him out.

We got him out. And he had, he's a, it was a teaching hospital and there was a, an intern helping him, you know, doing a lot of the. No, thank you. Get him out of here. Whatever. No, I'm ready. Get him out. You got to learn somehow.

I don't care. You know, we got to cut rate on the whole thing. No. But they pulled him out and they were holding him. And he said, okay, come around and cut the. And I stood up, and right when I stood up, he slid back in. What are you talking about? Slid back right back in to the hole.

What do you mean? Just like slid out of the, back. No, back into her, into her abdomen. Like he is just, she was just pulling him out of the abdomen. And he slipped back in. No. And then he, and then the, the main guy went, get him out, get him out. And she put her hands into my wife.

life's abdomen and pulled out the baby again and I went ha ha ha ha I saw the whole thing and and that was it and then uh they come out and the placenta comes out and the placenta's nasty it's nasty isn't it just like a sack of blood and nutrients it is the biggest scab you've ever seen what are you talking about it's a big it's like a scab omelet did okay you know it's gross the whole thing is well you didn't have to say omelette I'm just giving you a size sort of representation did your ex-wife make like placenta pills no we didn't do any of that shit

no yeah yeah and then the second time she couldn't she had to have another she was gonna try and do a V-back as it's called vaginal birth after cesarean sure TM okay rated dog I don't think any of that needs to have like a letter term you could just say I'm I'm having birth again and it's going to be through the tutor it's fun it's fun it's fun to say

be back it makes you feel like you know it's like you know shit yeah it makes it sound like a camero of some kind sure yeah like a computer yes yes um but she had had uh retinal surgery and couldn't push because it would make her eyeballs pop shut so she had to have a cesarean and that was a scheduled casserine that was bananas because wake up 9 a.m let's go to the hospital okay let's pack a bag doot do do do and then at noon you schedule at noon you got a baby wow yeah it was it was it's was really strange um and that one they let me watch the whole thing i got to see them to do the incision and everything oh yeah yi i don't want i really hope i don't have a c section because that is narnar it's narnar it is and you know what and honestly the recovery is a lot longer right

yeah because you got a big incision through your abdomen whereas now i mean now now If you push a baby out naturally, they're like, all right, get in the car. Get out of here. Sorry, you got to get up. Kids breathing, you pooped. Let's get out of here, you know. You good? Leave.

Bye. We need the bed. We need the bed. More babies coming. All right. Well, Michelle is on the phone. Let's talk to Michelle. Hi.

Hi, Michelle. How are you? I'm so honored to be talking to you both. You both are so wonderful. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much, Michelle. If you knew us, you would not feel that way. Well, geez.

I'm sure that's not true. Gosh, Andy. Look, you know we're both garbage. It's why you're here. I'm not garbage. You're the best garbage, though. Oh, okay. I'm divinely protected.

Divinely protected. Five, CAA. Mm-hmm. No, they wouldn't sign me. Well, tell us about your performance anxiety story. it was back of like 2013 i was uh trying to support my friend taren she wanted to audition for the dallas mad dancers and uh we went through all of the prep classes together i'm very much not that type okay kately was looking puzzled she didn't know what you meant i was like that's not

the dallas cowboys no the dallas mavericks it's dallas mavericks okay you're not like from like that world like from the south, like it's kind of like the thunderdome of auditions. It's a terrible experience if you don't know what you're walking into. So the day, like the final prep class rolls around, they're like, okay, and everybody has their audition outfits. I was like, oh, no, like, we're supposed to have like outfits. And I

like, oh, okay, I got to go find an outfit. They're like three or, these costs starting off like three or four hundred dollars because they're covered in like brainstorm. So I had to like race around to like a hobby lobby. I was over there. I found my I was up until like two in the morning the night before,

gluing rhinestones on my nicest sports bra. So I was already feeling extremely homemade. Wow. I walk into it's a, it was home, the preliminary auditions were hosted at a place called Dillies, Dallas, Texas. Yes. And,

the famous nightclub from urban cowboy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, where the, yeah, that was like where that whole thing started with the mechanical bulls and stuff. Oh,

like saddle ranch. Mm-hmm. exactly yeah so yes did you even know that do you know about urban cowboy and that gillies was are you too young do oh okay all right good i'm glad they're still teaching the lore down there um um i um i uh so we get to i write right over there with her you know i'm trying to be really supportive she's super nervous i'm like it's okay you got this like you're gonna do great because she's actually very she's actually very experienced super talented and so i didn't know idea what I'm doing. Michelle, I'm so sorry. I have a question. So your friend is auditioning to

dance for the Dallas Mavericks. You being a supportive friend, you have no horse in this race, you don't care about this. You also decide to audition for the Dallas Mavericks just to be supportive? Yeah. That's crazy. Continue. Yeah. Yeah. I know it's something she really wanted. And I was like, in my early 20s at the time, I was like, I'll have nothing going on. Like, I'll go ahead and do it. Like, sure, why not? Because I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Wow. So I walk in to the venue

with her and it's just a full of like 200 something, like beautiful, talented women in these like professionally done outfits, their hair is nice, their makeup's nice. And I was like, oh, shit, we were supposed to have our hair and make it done. So they line you up,

they give you handout numbers, they line you up, they divide you in half and you line up in like two different lines and you're called up to the front the music is going, you're called up to the front to do like freestyle like 16 counts of choreography to a song you've never heard.

I was like, great, this is an actual nightmare scenario. This is a nightmare scenario. Absolutely. I was like, cool. My knees are like knocking together, buckling, like my hands are shaking. I'm already very self-feeling, very self-complicated. just because I miss the memo on getting your hair and makeup done. And everybody has these outfits. And I'm over here with like some jewels glued on a sports bra.

Yeah. Great. Now, wait. Does your friend all made up? Is she, you know, in battle gear? Battle gear, fully done up. So how come she didn't tell you? Yeah, what the fuck?

Why doesn't she tip you off? This is a bad friend. Jesus Christ, you're doing this, all this shit for, She's a good friend. She's a good friend. No, it was, I mean, I missed the last, like, prep class where they went over all of this. So she didn't tell you anything? I don't hold it against her.

I don't hold it against her. No, no, she's not a building in the door. I think you should ruin her fucking life. Look, that's just Caitlin. That's just her way. I think that you need to expose her on TikTok. All right, we'll continue. I'm sorry.

So you get there, you're looking, you know, you're looking like Ellie May and she's looking like, I don't know, you know, Marilyn Monroe. They give you a little bit of time to get ready. So, like, they got myself, like, to prep for the before the auditions actually start. So I did my best. I'm not super great with makeup. They call me up to the front. Your friend could help you up because she's too busy doing hers. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. I told her, like, worry about yourself. No, like I told her day, yeah, I was like, worry about yourself. Like, this is just, like, I'm just, this is something to do on, like, a Saturday. So this is super important for you. So please focus on that. Yeah.

I don't really have anything else for you. So I get in line. They call me up. I'm like four counts into the choreography or the freestyle of the, just four counts into the stance, and the judges start laughing. Oh. no and then the more uncomfortable i get like the bigger i smile because i'm like i i like i like i know about like how to perform like i know like you keep going regardless so i'm like through

the last 14 well no i'm so bad at mass sorry it does it 12 counts of the yeah choreography i'm just like i'm like visibly uncomfortable my eyes start watering and then you're supposed to like end it by turn doing like a turn and then doing like a sassy walk-off. So I froze and I ended up doing a really terrible like backwards, like sort of moonwalk off the state. It was bad. Yeah.

And then I, as fast as I can, book it to the car. And I just like, wait. And it was just a very uncomfortable four or five hours for her to finish the audition. Oh, my God. Lord have mercy, Michelle. So I was just like marinating in that uncomfortable feeling. and to this day, I don't dance in public or in front of anybody. Oh, my God.

I was hoping there was a twist ending here where they said. Did your friend make the fucking dance team? She did. Okay, congratulations. Good for her. Your humiliation was her ticket. And did you ever go, like, see her perform at the games? Well, they cut her before the end of training camp, but she ended up a dance.

scene for like the Dallas stars. Oh. Well, yeah, she like, I let her audition that like that. I was like, you know what? I've done my thing. You do that by yourself. I'm good. So they don't give you, they just laugh at you. Now, were you, I mean, why are they laughing? What's so funny? Because she was bad. I'm kidding. They were like talking, like, they were like, they started talking amongst because they were pointing to the other girl. No. Oh my God. Because they're like up on a platform and you're down below like on like the floor. Yeah, yeah. And you see them and I'm just like, wow.

It's like watching a car crash, like your own car crash and slow motion. And do they talk to anybody after they're done with their audition or is it just like you finish and then next? No, you don't. It's a super fast process because they have to get through so many people. So it's like you finish your 16 counts, you walk off. And then you have to like stay there in the room and then they call out your number. And if you're not called, obviously, you don't make it. And I was like, oh, my God, shock of the century, I did not get called.

I had no idea that's what happened. I think you're fine. Are you, Michelle, what do you do for a living? Are you a professional dancer? No. Like, I do have, like, experience in that area. And I've done, like, a few professional things. Like, there was a few times where I was a backup dancer for Weird Al.

Oh, that's fun. So you are a professional dancer. No, not currently. That was like, that was a few years back. No, currently, I'm in restaurant management. Love that. I love restaurants. Yeah.

It's much, it's less humiliating. Yeah. Well, it depends. I was a hostess for three months and I was so bad at it that I got fired while I was working. I was told to leave the, I was told to vacate the restaurant. Wow. Yeah. People can seat themselves.

Yeah, I didn't know how to seat people. And Jeremy Piven was very rude to me. Oh, my God. Bastard. That's a surprise. Well, Michelle, first of all, you're a really good friend. Yes. Like, a little too good of a friend, girly.

I don't love the position that you were put in. I don't either. I don't love that for you. I don't either. Oh, I just have big golden retriever energy. something that's like oh whatever watch i do with like it was like it was no deal yeah but that selfish sally should have at least tipped you off so you didn't have to glue on jewels to your own yeah did she ask you to do the audition with her no i was something i volunteered because she was just bending to me

because like we had we worked together um and she was like venting me she's like she's like i'm so she's like i really want this like um it was just like she was because in the age like the once you get to like a certain age, like as a dancer, you're like, it's a chronological age is different for like regular, like civilian people than it is like for dancers. So she was like, I'm worried that I'm getting interested in my career. I was like, no, don't worry about it. Like, you got it. You're so good. You're so pretty. Sounds like she needs a lot. Yeah. Too much. Too much. Too much. Too much. Well, Michelle, thank you so much for your call. You're welcome. And also you were really great on Dancing with the Stars. I have so much

reading for you. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it. The People's Princess. Thank you so much, Michelle. Thank you. You're welcome, guys. Have a great day. Thank you. Well, I know. That is like, would you?

I really hated that. Yeah. I really hated that. What I hate is that Michelle walks into this situation, doesn't know that she needs to be all dolled up, a la Dallas Cowboys. I don't know if you watch that docu series on Netflix. That's why.

It's essentially probably very similar. Yeah, yeah. You got to get it as a. dancer, you need to get into it. All right. I'll check it out right now. Yeah, you need to check it out right now. Okay. Pull out your phone right now.

Yeah, no, it's, well, I'm amazed, like, she ended up sitting in the car anyway. She might as well just said. For four to five hours. Yeah, she might as well just said, and also she's at a bar. Just go sit at a few drinks. Yeah. You know. Get wasted.

Yeah, get fucked up. That's crazy. And then stumble back in with your number on, like, you didn't give me a chance. Yeah. I'll show you cheer lady. that around with a couple drinks in yeah yeah well Caitlin we usually pick a favorite okay calls uh what do you think um

I think the best the bat bite the fact that the baby got bit twice the bat bite really got me I I have a weird love for David from Virginia who just came in hot and I know that this show's Lucy Goosey came in hot on this show didn't talk about performance anxiety at all And just regaled us with a tale of years gone by. Of rock and roll royalty. Of rock and roll roy.

Just was like just, he's just in Virginia somewhere. Like, I got to share this. Yeah. It's almost like a Christmas tale, too. It was snowy. I felt like, yeah, I felt like old St. Nick called us and just regaled us with a tale. And he learned the gift of eye contact. Yeah.

Yeah. Like I thought there would be a lesson in there somewhere. But it was no. It was, it was, uh, it was, uh, it was, Bruce Springsteen knows how to, I fuck a pretty lady at a bar. That's what he taught me about what I was like, dude, David, thank you for this. Yeah, yeah. Um, was it, was it the best story of today? No.

Is it my personal fave? Yes. The best story, but the best story is the bat is, is the bat bite. Yeah. But also like, so what do you mean your baby got accidentally bit by a, bat. Yeah. I think the baby... Not trying to mom shame. Do you mean like what did the baby do do to deserve it? No. Like what do you mean? Like what do you mean you didn't catch that? Yeah, yeah. What do you mean? I don't know how bat bites work. Right, but you do know how looking

at a baby works. Having your eyes on the baby. What do you mean that the bat might have gotten caught in his bassinet? What is what do you mean? Where were you? I don't know. What's going on? Listen. So it's New Hampshire. Right. And you know what they say.

Oh, it's like that people in New Hampshire. The Appalachia of New England. Right. I think. Or do they say that? I don't know. It sounds good. They're apples.

They got, don't they have apples there? I'm sure they do. Yeah. And yogurt. And early elections. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all I know. Well, all right. So there we go. My favorite is is, is David's non-dance lesson. from Bruce Springsteen. I fucking lesson. Yeah. All right, well, that's it.

Thank you so much, Caitlin. Thank you. You got anything you want to plug? No. Nothing? No. She wants you all to leave her alone. I'm doing cool stuff.

I just can't talk about it right now. Oh, well, that's a different thing altogether. I legally can't plug anything because I have a lot of stuff on the stove right now. I've got a lot of burners on. Sounds like she's in the new Tarantino. Uh-oh. Got really pretty feet All right, well thank all of you for listening.

I'll be back next week with another one of these. Now, stick around because stand up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin is coming up next. Bye. Conan O'Brien Radio