The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Carey O'Donnell: Caught Red-Handed (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: March 13, 2026

As Andy travels the nation on the "Dancing With the Stars" tour, we're revisiting his 2024 Call-In Show episode with writer, comedian, and co-host of the Sexy Unique Podcast Carey O’Donnell! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we're talking CAUGHT RED-HANDED STORIES! Hear stories from callers about robberies at the Phish festival, summer camp obsessions, taxi cab arguments, a very special “Wild-Card” conversation, and much more. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien. Hi, Andy Richard here. You're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show live on Conan O'Brien Radio. That's right. It's live. I'm sitting here right now. It's not on tape. There's no editing. So I have to watch no more crackpot racial theories coming out of this guy.

Just straight up, nice person. I have a special guest here today. Carrie O'Donnell Hi Is here with me Carrie is from the Sexy Unique podcast It's hosted by you

And Lisa Marie Shannels Laura Marie La Marie La Marry But I like Lisa Marie Somebody put Lisa Marie And you got a live show

This Saturday At the Bourbon Room Yeah Los Angeles Really exciting I really should come see it I should I've heard clips of it

But I've never I'm a terrible podcast consumer Really Myself yes I'm just terrible at it You know, the good news is that I have friends that don't listen or watch any of the stuff that we're talking about, and they just have fun listening to it in general. Oh, okay.

Hopefully that bodes well. I definitely will give it a listen because, and my producer, Sean, told me that when we booked you, every female in his life was absolutely thrilled because they all are obsessed with your podcast. That's, I'm happy to hear that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Whereas this place, this is a total dude room. Yeah, this is, I felt bro vibes. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Your shoulder is going to be sore from high-fiving me at the end of this. Yeah, I'm going to, I butched it up as soon as I parked on the fourth floor. By the way, that's a lovely leather vest you're wearing. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Well, our topic today for the calling in is caught red-handed. You know, we try to find these different sort of juicy topics for people to call in. And caught red-handed, I don't really have any good caught red-handed.

I mean, I guess... Are you Catholic? Were you raised Catholic? No, I wasn't. But I mean, there are ones that I guess I couldn't, you know, like someone reading someone's text to someone else. Right. By breaking into their iPad kind of thing. But like, I don't really want to divulge.

Yeah, I can't really get into that. Yeah, yeah. It's, you know. Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person that you were talking about and sent it to that person? No. My thing that I like to do. do is uh sorry i asked if you were raised catholic no that's all right i just feel like why is that why because i'm i'm i'm i'm irish catholic guilt-ridden shame-based i operate on a place of

shame so i just i wondered if you feel i because i think i'm i'm always feeling like i'm being caught red-handed even when i'm not doing anything yeah no i uh see that's what i think like there are different groups that like to claim ownership of of of guilt-based living Yes. Like Jewish people love to do it. Catholic people love to do it. There is a Midwestern version. That is, that is, it's like, well, who are you?

Who do you think you are, Mr. Big, too big for your britches? Right. And there is, and there's a lot of, like you said, like, if something goes wrong, like if there's a screw up scheduling something or, you know, somebody didn't get an email they were supposed to get. I always think I fucked up. It was me. It was me. I did it. I'm the weak link in the chain.

And then it's not me, but I still feel the residual feeling of like, well, yeah, but I still fucked it up somehow. You go full martyr mode. Absolutely. I'm like behead me now. Yeah, yeah. Put me on the state. Like burn me now.

I am Joan of Arc. Which is one of the most glorious ways to self-emolate. No, to just like. Oh, it's self-flagellate. Yeah, but to like celebrate. yourself. Oh, it's completely selfish and self-sertity and it's disguised as I'm doing this for you, but I'm actually

like... Right, exactly. Look at me and my exquisite suffering. Yeah. You know. Exquisite suffering is the name of my brand. Of men's wear. Of men's leather best. Very nice. Well, no, but I think, yeah, there's... Well,

I was going to say the only sending text, and I've done this twice, where I sent out a fundraising email for either a charity or like some political thing and i send it to everybody i like i said i did this twice everybody in my emails so and because it's raising money it's like the rich people yeah and i forgot to bcc so so everybody so like to make to make wealthy people see other wealthy people is the greatest but there's like some there's like there's like there were some scumbags in that list too who were like you know like now i have you know

will feral's email or whatever and i and i and then i just got roasted for years on an email chain where people would let it go for six months and then all of a sudden it would just i'd get an email in the middle of it like hey how's this going did anybody you know get something from this again you know i exquisite suffering is me getting political emails multiple times a day now. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I love, I get Kamala's, she and Tim Walts, they text me. O'Donnell, question mark, question mark, because I think it's like a robotic thing, but it sounds like gym teachers yelling at me. O'Donnell, especially him. I've been getting, I get texts, and I have been just deleting them because I give money and I just don't want to, like I already give money. I've given

money. Yeah, you don't need to do any more. And I will delete them. And then when you, you know, swipe it, it says delete and delete and report junk. And I've been deleting and reporting junk for every political fundraising thing that I'm getting. And then I started getting texts that were just saying like, Andrew with a question mark. It's like you're being yelled at by like an elder family member. Yeah, but it was so transparently to me like somebody like making me think maybe this is a relative in trouble. You know, they again, shame base. They're like tapping into that and they're like you're in trouble because you're not giving us $5.

Right. We didn't make our monthly target. Well, what fucking problem? How is that my problem? I know. This arbitrary number you picked. It's all falling apart. Some of them are like really desperate sounding and kind of like meth-y vibes like an addict.

Like I'm in recovery like in a text where you're like, I just need some. Yeah, yeah. Just need a little. Right. Just says $50 right now, please. We just need people to sign this pledge. are 16 slots left until we filled the quota that we made up. Yeah.

Okay, Sherrod Brown. Yeah. Leave me alone, Sherrod Brown. We want to see you. Yeah. We want you to visit us. I've got bad news for you. Yeah.

It's me, Sherrod. Sherrod. Sherrod. I know. And I love Sherrod Brown. I hope he does well. But anyway, do you have any, I mean, are there any sort of caught red-handed that you would want to share with the faceless crowd out there?

Yeah. Oh, this is very like insider baseball biz. I was pitching something to someone once and I made a joke about a certain religion that's very big in L.A. or was big in Hollywood. Scientology. Yeah. Yeah. And they revealed that they were in that. Oh, boy. So that, and even though it didn't feel caught red-handed, it did feel sort of like I busted myself. Oh, I had a terrible one of those. It was when I was on a show called Quintuplets. Uh-huh. And I was the father of five, 15-year-olds who, like, were age 24 to 16. Right, as they are. And we had a whole big press day. And a lot of these, a lot of them, they were, like it was their first show.

You know, it was like your first thing. So I did kind of have like a dad sort of role. Right. And the youngest kid, I was talking to one of the press people who were talking about Scientology. and we were talking about it and the youngest kids said, well, why do you think people get hooked into this? And I said, well, I said, a lot of the people,

because it's, you know, it's so obviously, like, it falls apart so easily. Yeah. And I was like, well, a lot of people, I said, they don't really have a strength of character. And I said, I think a lot of people aren't, like, real smart. Yeah. Like, they just, because the whole thing is, like, like things that go wrong aren't your fault.

Right. You know, that it's not your fault. And I'm like, and things are your fault. Yeah. And one of my other sons said, uh, I'm a Scientologist. I was born a Scientologist. I was raised in Scientology. I went to Scientology schools.

And I was like, oh shit. I'm sorry. Truly like wearing that nautical outfit. Uh, he was not doing that. Yeah. What if he came to set every day? in an admiral's uniform. A poorest member on South Pacific.

I have my, I haven't been doing them in years, but I have a Korean tailor who, when I was first sent to him to get clothing, it's called High Society. Here's a shout out for High Society tailors on Wilshire. It's like an old place. Yeah. First time I go in there on the wall is photos of Don John John.

and the other guy from Miami Vice and their rolled up sleeve things, this guy made him. There's a little weird asymmetrical jacket, like that's all sparkly, hanging on a hanger, like right on like a wardrobe cart. It has an invoice pin to it, prints. And then on the wall, all the Scientology bigwigs in their Admiral's outfits. and he makes all the admiral's outfits. You got to do what you got to do. Yeah, yeah.

And he's a devoutly Christian man. So I, you know. That's okay. You know, Prince, Scientologist, sure, why not? All of my red-handed stuff is like child things. Yeah. Like I called 911 once with a group of children at a swim at a pool. Yeah.

And I stole a candy and buried it in my backyard. Yeah, you know, so it's not fun. Yeah. But I don't have any, like, I was just like a drunk mess in New York. like an addict for eight years. I don't want to hear, but... Yeah, you don't want to hear that shit, no. Yeah, because you're making me remember, like,

I threw a snowball at a passing car, and the fucker stopped and came and started get up his car, and so we all went in the house, and then he just knocked on the door, like, one of your boys threw a snowball at the car. What if you did, like, Good Sun, where they dropped, like, a scarecrow off an overpass, and it hits a car, and you're like,

I caused a pile-up. I caught, yeah, I'm sorry. I dropped a brick... I thought a cinder block off an overpass would be funny. All right, let's go to the phones. Oh, we got a first one here. Scott from New Jersey. Hey.

Hey, guys. I'm Scott, like you said. Hi, Scott. So tell us when you should get caught, or did you catch somebody? So I actually caught somebody, and it was a lot more fun than it should have been, I think. Me and my buddy, Jason, were at the band Fish. They just had a festival in Delaware a couple of weeks ago. Okay.

We went out there, camped out for that for four days. You know, enjoyed the whole thing. had a great time. What kind of drugs did you do? I got to know. What kind of drugs were you on? In Delaware. I don't know if I want to get specific, but I'll say something that made things go faster

and some things that made things go slower and seem more cool. All right. Some things that made things seem weird. Is that okay? Yeah, that's great. Right now the FBI is plugging it into a database and they're going to show up in at least a half an hour. That's fine. If we brought up the call sooner than that, I'll get on the.

All right. So anyway, you're in the Nitris Mafia and you're into Delaware parking lot. Me and my buddy were camping out, yes, in a big parking lot in Delaware. And, you know, this is the last day of the festival. We've been doing it for four days, camping out. And, you know, we tried to travel lean and Maine. But the one thing my buddy had to bring was his fancy French press coffee maker because, you know, he said he's got to feel like a real human in the morning. He's camping, he's tired, blah, blah, blah. He's got to be awake in the morning with a good cup of coffee. So we use that coffee maker for four days. You know, have a great time at the festival.

And, you know, it's just been love and light the whole time, man, and all the stuff you'd expect, you know, to hear coming out of that. We just had an amazing time, and we were feeling the flow and the vibe, man. So, unfortunately, on the last day, as we're packing up, big storm starts rolling through after a whole week of nice weather. And so we pack up what we can and we jump in our car to get out of the rain for a little bit. And, you know, there's a few things left. There's our camping table.

There's some pots and pans and utensils. And then there's his fancy French press coffee maker thing that he hadn't yet packed up. So we're sitting there waiting out the rain and we see this guy, you know, from the mid-20s or so, walk past our campsite that's been, packed up and we see him. He's ironed the French press. He's eye in it. He's looking at it as he slowly walks past. And he doesn't touch it, but my buddy says, look at that guy. He's casing the joy. You know, he's definitely going to come back. And if we're not here, he's going to steal my French press. And I said, you know what you've got to do, man? If that happens

and we're in the car, you ever see Jackass? You know, when they blow the air horn, when he's taking the golf swing, if that guy tries to steal your French press, you're running on the horn as loud as you can and you make an example of them. Well, that's exactly what's happened, man. And a dude comes over. This time, he's wearing his jacket that he had held in his hand, right? So he's not dressed the same as we saw the first time. Right.

And he starts coming back in the opposite direction. And my buddy starts slapping me. Hey, hey, hey, hey, keep back, keep back, he's back. He's going to do it. Sure enough, dude looks around, reaches down to try to grab the friend's press, And the moment he does, my buddy lays on the horn. We both lower the windows, yell out the windows. No, bad, put it down.

Bad dog, bad. That's not yours. That's not yours. You're stealing. And let me tell you, man, this guy was so surprised that he didn't even drop it and run, right? He had no plan for what he was going to do. That's how sure he was that he was in the clear. He froze.

We're yelling, we're screaming, we're blaring the horn. And he's just standing up, pick it up, put it down, pick it up, put it up, down and look around what do we do i don't know man and finally he just dropped it and like ran off and like everybody around us was like clapping and like cheering and it it felt good to be bad at the end of like a weekend of love you know yeah four days in delaware is the equivalent of 12 years and it was 90 degrees and humidity and all that are you in the parking lot so are you on pavement the entire time um No, technically, but we're on like a dirt patch with some grass that's been burnt out all summer.

Scott, you got to put a higher price on your time. Four days of that and in a car? Were you sleeping in the car or on the ground? You had a tent? We were, yeah, we had a tent and so we had set it all up. And then, you know, we packed it up except for a last few things. and we were just hanging out in the car just to get out of the rinse. Right.

I feel like a fish show after three days becomes like a barter kind of economy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's got to be a breakdown in societal rule. Societal collapse after four days. After four days. Yeah. So yeah, you basically, you should have had a big mallet. And next time you can like actually capture people.

It's like a mousetrap. You leave a bodom pod. A net falls down on them. Yeah, yeah. I wish Biden had. had showed up to a fish show. Hey, man. What's going on? Delaware. Hey.

Yeah, all of this jam band stuff. You talk about things devolving, right? There is a concept after shows called the ground score, right? And what people will do is as they leave the show, they will just watch the ground as they walk, specifically, you know, like a hound dog, looking for bags of mushrooms and stuff that got confiscated and dropped or somebody, you know, got way too high and dropped their weed or whatever. So you're kind of on the right path. It's like a carpet safari. The best drugs are ones you find on the ground. That's always, I mean, every drug taker knows that. All right.

Well, thank you so much, Scott. I'm glad that your friend made his, kept his French press. I can't relate to fish culture in any way, but I respect you being from New Jersey because I am too from. Yeah, well, and I respect your friend's coffee snobbery. that's good too. Well, I'm glad we all got some respect. And, hey, when I get the check for this appearance, I'll put it towards a better slot at the festival next year.

No problem, yeah, or towards your detective license. Ooh, I like it. All right. Thank you, Scott. All right, you're listening to the Andy Richter Call-in Show. The idea is you call in, and me and Carrie O'Donnell comment on the things that you do. So, Stephen, from Atlanta. Hey, can you hear me?

Yep. I used to work at a summer camp about 20 years ago in Black Mountain, North Carolina, and it was with three other guys in charge of a cabin full of 10 and 11-year-old, about 20 of them. You get a really clear picture into just how different people raised their kids. And we had this one kid who was incredibly particular. Every single night would count all of those things that he brought to camp. Like every single thing would keep the entire camp.

cabin awake, even to the point of counting the deck of cards that he had brought with him. And one night got to only 51 and just completely freaked out on everyone. He was German. I don't know if that plays into it. But he just started throwing around some huge accusations. He said, the kids are trying to destroy me. That's kids. He stole it from me.

And I was, you know, trying to calm everyone down because it's bedtime. And I'm like, listen, no one's trying to destroy you. We're at a summer camp. Why do you think he took one card? And he said, he just wants me to have 50 vun. And what is his camp? I love that option. Yeah, what is this UN summer camp in North Carolina?

Diplomat. Were there other international kids? Like, let's just take a pause and say, were there other international kids there? Or was it, you know? We had a strange pipeline to really. European families. Oh, okay. So most are from the south, a lot from Florida.

But then every now and again, we'd get some families that would put their kids on a plane by themselves and they would stay at camp for 10 weeks. Wow, wealthy, neglected Swiss children, yeah. That's what I would do. Yeah, yeah. That's what we called him, exactly. I'm going, honey, I'm going to throw money at you. Yeah.

Go away. Go away. And you would love. You can be Stevens problem. Yeah. Yeah, this 20-year-old seems. fine. I try to calm down the situation, finally going kid by kid. Did anybody steal those one card? Absolutely not. But we do after like 30 minutes of tearing the cabin apart, we find it what like

wedged between a kid's bed and the wall where it is obviously hidden there, the kid who's slept right above him in a bunk. And we took him back to the counselor section, which is really just The interrogation room. That's exactly right. And we're just like, why? Why would you steal this one kid's card? And he said, honestly, I just wanted him to have 51. Like, I saw him count it every single night.

And I was like 20 years old. I didn't have kids thinking like either this is exactly how kids operate and I don't remember it. Or this is a segment of a true crime documentary. Right. Where you find out like that's what. I knew he was a sociopath. That I was evil. The only person, the only reason. Or, he just wanted that kid.

Or it was just two, two compulsive disorders bouncing up against each other. Yeah, I think that feels very likely. I hate even numbers. Every time he gets to 52, it makes me break out in the sweat. Yeah. Just 51, please. Dueling neurodivergence. Yeah.

How many years ago you say it was 20 years ago? That's right. I would think nowadays, like, like Harry said, neurodivergence is such. a like it's in the popular lexicon now that I think that now kids have probably be more sensitive to a child that needed to count so much. Because Jesus Christ, that kid, I know he's German and it's hard to feel sympathy for Germans. I speak as a German, American.

But I mean, that kid lives a tortured life. Just a, like, a ritual-based life. More little Rutger, you know. Yeah. Rucker Howard. Poor little Rutger Yeah, counting everything you own before bed Is not nobody's pumped about that life

Was did he did he did Rutger go into like a aha I knew it Oh my goodness Did you have to separate their beds after that Like were they at odds So we kept them in the same beds because we're not about Preventative Care in the summertime Right and also who the fuck cares

Who fucking cares deal with it Yeah this is somebody else's kid I'm getting paid like 10 bucks an hour Yeah And so, no, but he did, that did heighten his fear that everyone was out to destroy him. And we were like, man, yeah, like, there's evidence there. Yeah. They're trying to destroy him.

He's got it right. That's the worst. Yeah. When, like, a very paranoid person turns out to be right. Yes. And then you, it becomes your problem. My heart breaks for Little Rutger. Me too.

Oh, I wonder where he is now. He's probably fronting some. No, he's probably, right anti-immigrant party. I must count all the German faces. No brown ones. Oh my God. But it is, it's terrible. Already a slave to numbers.

And then, now paranoid. Now his paranoia has been confirmed. I was like swim counselor at a swim camp when I was in college. And a kid, we were in the dorms of my college. And he paced up and down the dorms every night because he said he had to get his mile in before bed. So I just sat out there and had to watch him pace. Wow. But I felt his pain.

Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. And I also revered him. Yeah, yeah. Because no one else was doing it like him. Right, right. You know?

Yeah, no, it is whenever. And that's Brat. Brat. That's Brat Summer. To me, I just think Brat, like Brot Wars. Yeah. And yeah, that's, okay. It's Brought.

It's Brought Summer. Yeah. All right, Stephen, well, is there an ending to the story or is that pretty much it? I mean, did Rutger? No, I mean, we took away his trading posts. for one day. I feel like he got what was coming to him. Yeah. Yeah, Rutker, I'm sure, turned

out fine. They drowned him in the lake. Traveling the world. All of his blessings every night now. Rutker's, his howls can be heard in the woods every summer. And one camper goes missing. Yeah, that's an origin story.

Rutgers bride. Yeah. When Rutker first started at the camp, and I mean, there's no way to easily shoehorn this then, but he didn't speak a lick of English. Oh, wow. And we always invited his brother to help translate, but it somehow made things worse. We're like, you got to wear your harness if you're going to climb.

And we'd invite his brother to come tell him, just tell him to put on the harness, and he'd start crying. We finally had a third person who spoke German come and listen, and it turns out his brother, every time we called him to translate, was like, everyone here hates you. They're all making fun of you. Oh, my God. Dutiful. Maybe it was well-arned that everyone was trying to destroy them.

Classic German sibling behavior. Yeah. Yeah. They're all against you. They're all against you. They're all undermining you. You are inferior. Oh, boy.

That poor kid. All right. Well, thank you, Stephen. Yeah, thanks, yeah. All right, bye-bye. All right, next, we got Mitch from Chicago, that toddling town. Hey, how's it going? Hi, how are you Mitch? You got me, you got Carrie O'Donnell. Hey, Mitch.

Well, okay, so I went to DePaul University here in Chicago. Yep. Home of the Blue Devils. Blue Demons, thank you very much. Oh, shit. It's been a while. It's all right. Yeah, blue demons, but they're Catholic, whatever. When you're in the exorcism business like me, demons, it doesn't make a difference. They're all the same.

So this is before Uber or Lyft existed. So I'm out at a party in Lincoln Park. I get far too drunk. That's the time to live over in Logan Square. Chicago. My friends put me in a cab. And I blackout. I come out of my blackout in the cab.

And I don't have my wallet. I have my phone battery in my left pocket and my phone in my right pocket. And now I'm panicking. I'm thinking, well, how am I going to pay for this cab? It's going to be probably whatever, you know, at least $20. I remember exactly the price then. But, and I'm drunk. I'm paranoid.

I'm waiting. And finally the driver comes to rest at, I think it was Armageddon, California. Is that a red? And so my fantastic drunk idea is I'm going to open the door and just roll out. The cab he was looking in the, off to the left. I'm like, this is my moment. I open the door, maybe six inches. Clearly, this has happened before this gentleman.

He peels and does a hard right, throws me back kind of into the middle of a car. And he said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely, fucking, can I swear? I can swear. Yeah, of course, yeah. You kind of already did. Fucking fantastic. Oh, that's true, yeah. And so he immediately takes out his phone, calls the cops.

He, of course, has my address. So we get to my apartment, and they're not one but two Chicago Police Department vehicles they're waiting for us. I get out, and they say, all right, let's go in your apartment. Let's figure this out. And I tell the guy, I said, I have money in my place. I'll grab the money. I know where it is on my desk.

There's a pile of cash there, so three cops go up into the apartment with me. And I go to my room. I know right where this is, like, $60-80 is, and I go there, and my roommate has taken all the money and left the note, said, sorry, dude, I really need cash right now. I'll get you back tomorrow. And so I turned to the cop, and I'm obviously, I don't know what the hell to do. I'm, you know, sweating drunk, basically.

And so I look to my Super Mario Brothers giant mug full of nickels and dimes and quarters, and I count out whatever was 1875 in change. and the cop is just glaring. Like, he clearly wants to, you know, just clock me one. Right. So I hand over two fistfuls of change to the cop. Oh. You make the cop.

I didn't know that. Yeah. I was feeling confident, I guess. And while this was happening, the other two cops were searching our apartment. And my roommate was a home farmer. He was growing some mushrooms in his closet. Absolutely not. So one of the other cops comes out with a bag of mushrooms and says, what the fuck is this?

The cop without all the changes, pockets, immediately arm bars up against the wall, you know, like classic forearm to the throat kind of thing. And again, drunken competence, I say, not mine, fuck off illegal search and seizure. They love that. They do. Yeah, yeah. Right? Oh, they do. Yes.

Yeah. And so the change. And the mushrooms cop go off and do a little chit-chat. The other guys, you know, I'm firmly against the wall. And then after like 10 seconds of chatting, they dropped the bag on the coffee table. And they say like, fuck you, you know, you stupid little bugger junkhead or whatever. Like, you're fucking lucky this time. I get one more little forearm shiver to the throat chest area.

And then they walk down the stairs and bring the change to the taxi driver. And that was it. Yeah, I survived a very little running. Frankly, I'm surprised that DeCabby got the money because I would not give a Chicago cop money to give to someone else. Because the odds are it's not going to make it there, you know. I had a cab story like this. Did you? I was in London with my family for Thanksgiving and I got wasted and tried to bring a guy home to the house that my family was staying at.

Cool. And I didn't have money for the cab. cab so the cab driver drove around in circles for like a half hour while the guy this british guy was like what are we doing i don't have money either and then my dad had to pay the cab and pay the guy his fare to get the fuck out oh you mean my dad was waiting outside the Airbnb and the cab driver was like your son is a nuisance he hasn't paid me and this guy's like i don't have any money either so my dad had to pay to have him take home yeah oh what a cock block i know thanks dad i wanted to bring you home from the family Airbnb.

Yeah. Yeah. Dad, this is Thanksgiving. That was... Aren't we all family? My cab shame. Wow. Yeah, no, I just...

Chicago cops are, they are their own breed. I, one time witnessed out my window. I lived on Ashland Avenue. And I witnessed... It was obviously a traffic altercation that they stopped in the middle lane, you know, like it's like a kind of a five-lane street. They stopped in the middle lane. the guy in the front starts to get out of his car the guy in the back gets out of his car and as he's walking over to the car his shirt blows up and i see a gun tucked into the back of his pants and he proceeds to pull that gun out and stick it in the other guy's face and the other guy of course 180s from fuck you to no no no no no no gets back in the car drives away i get the guy's license plate i call uh the the police right and by the

the way, my friend and I had gone, we were doing returns, who I was working as a production assistant, and we were doing returns at the end of a commercial. And we had stopped, we had a couple returns left, but we'd stopped at my place to get high, to smoke weed and then finish the runs. And so my friend had to leave. He left, because I was like, I'm waiting for the police. Chicago cop comes, and so my neighbors are there. My neighbors were a little flighty. They had the information all wrong. And I'm standing there. And I'm standing there. high and the cop just looks at me and goes what kind of car was it and what

was a license plate and I tell him and he goes like now I'll radio it in and he said he squawks on the radio for a second he goes like probably one of our guys whoa and they just like I was like to hear that while you're high too yeah he's like yeah it's probably like one of our guys you know like

we cops tend to point guns in people's faces just take it out whip it out yeah he's like so you know it's probably one hour guys and then you locked the door and didn't go out again for a week You didn't have to tell me that. Yeah. You know.

You already kind of knew that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is like stunning. And then I had another friend who was, who lived in Wicker Park and he had a business that he kept in his garage and he was having a war with like a teen down the street and like a neighbor. A neighbor war. And the teen super glued all the locks of his entire property.

His house and his office and his garage super glued all the locks so he couldn't get in. my friend calls the police. He says to the cop, like, I'm having trouble with this kid. And I guess the kid was kind of, like, gangy. And he says, he goes, what do I do? And the cop said, well, you know what I'd tell you? A thousand dogs die in his town every day, and nobody's going to miss one of them. Like, and then left, and my friend was like, I think he just told me to murder a teenager.

Like, that was his advice. Oh, okay. All right. thousand dogs die every day in his town i thought for a second you meant the actual dog no no kill the dog he was calling this human being a dog incredible and inferring like kill him or implying i mean you know kill that child kill that child yeah oh anyway well um well Mitch i i hope the mushroom business is still going well for you oh yeah oh yeah i love to that's such a great cop thing too we found a bag of mushrooms you know that drug that makes everyone very aggressive yeah you know that's historically

that drug that's the earmark of violent crime right better arm bar him yeah you know uh well Mitch I hope I hope things are going better for you now oh yes yes yes oh yeah demonstrably better demonstrably better excellent thank you for taking my call I appreciate it thanks for talking to us next we have Jeff or is it Jophe G off from Georgia it's a yeah It's Jeff. It looks like Dio, but it's death, yeah. I know. I know, but it's nice that even the person that's typing it onto my screen was respectful of your spelling.

That's the kind of operation we run here at the Andy Richter-Callin's show. Thanks. Appreciate it. So what you got for us, Jeff? Yeah, so this is like back in 2003. I lived, you know, I just moved out and I lived with two other roommates. and one of them was named we'll just say his name's Mark

or whatever because you know that's his real name all right Mark how did he spell it N-E-A-R-C-H I think it was like M-A-R-K Okay that's good That makes sense

Mark is a roommate name It is Yeah exactly Yeah so I'm living with these two other dudes And then So one day he comes out of his room And he confronts me He goes

Hey man he's like Are you taking my porn map and jacking in my porn mags and I'm like what does like what the hell what hell you're talking about what else would I be doing with them like just ask if I'm taking them you don't need to you know then suppose what I'm doing with them it's like are you cranking are you taking my hammers and hammering nails yeah and else first of all like you know I don't go into your room and and like who jacks into a porn magazine anyway he wanted that to be happening yeah you want to even be able to open the page up you know again yeah yeah well I mean you don't have to go in into the point. Listen, I don't need to explain the mechanics to you, Jeff. Right, right.

Yeah, so anyway, whoever was doing it was going inside the magazine, I guess. Oh, man. Oh, well, he's got DNA. Right? Yeah, you could spend a little money, get a lab test done, and figure it out.

Exactly. And wait, how long ago did you say this was? 2003, 2004. But still, like... Still fresh from 9-11, so people were... I was going to say... It is 9-11 season. To say, we were still well past the analog porn age at that point.

I mean, that porn mags in 2003, maybe my porn memory, my history is not, you know, we'll get our researchers to like when phone jacking really started. Get the team on. Yeah, yeah. I don't even think we had, I don't even think we had smart phones back in. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, all right, so, all right, I'm going to let this pass. Porn mags for jerking it.

Fine. Cranking. Yeah, cranking it, yeah. Yeah, so I'm like, yeah, first of all, I never go into room, and who does that into a magazine in the first place? So anyway, I guess like a couple months go by. We still don't know who the culprit is, right? So I'm, like, sleeping in the room.

All of a sudden I hear him come home from work or school or something, and he goes into his room, and all of a sudden I hear, like, Oh, no. Oh, no. Jeff. Jeff! I think it was. was a Bluetooth thing.

Maybe he's being dragged out of a car? Dragged out of a car. Wow. It's his, it's his old roommate. Yeah, Mark. It's Mark.

Mark is here. I heard you on the radio. You were cranking it. You were cranking it to my mag. You were cranking it to my memories. Oh, we'll never know. That was literally the most, like, exciting part.

I know. Jeff, if you're still there, call us back because I'm not going to sleep. No, I won't either. And I won't be cranking it to mags. Patrick from Seattle I really want to hear what happened with Jeff I know well we'll keep you on hold after I hope you're not on like a ferry

or something in Seattle no no I'm not you're not in a very okay good because we couldn't we couldn't take another Jeff here so I'm in the Seattle area but this took place in northwest Indiana 40 years ago I'm sorry I'm sorry I mean that you had to be at northwest Indiana Hey,

Because we're all Chicago land. I know, but I mean, listen, I say it with love. And, and Judge. It's not Kendall County. Yeah, well, okay, don't get too personal. Yeah. I'm sorry, sorry. So I don't know why I randomly know that.

So 40 years ago, this was 1984. Wow. Wow. 16 years old. Wow. And it was during a break from the fall musical. So it was after hours. Okay.

And I walk out into the cafeteria area where the vending machines are and water fountains and all that. And there's a kid standing in and Kevin. He's a year older than I am. And he's just standing there. And I walk up and he says, you know, I think this, I think this machine. is broken now at the flat. It was the candy machine, you know, candy and chips and all that, the vending machine. Yeah. And I think you could get your arm up in there and probably

grab something. So I said, okay, great. I started eyeballing the $100,000 bar and got flat on the floor and stuck my arm up into the machine. And I'm reaching, I'm getting close, get my fingertips on the candy bar, and Kevin kicks my feet. So I saw. slowly take my arm out and I turn around and jump up and there is the football coach. Oh, boy. Just standing and staring at us with his arms folded, just staring at us. And I, and I blurt out. It wasn't me.

It wasn't me. It was him. It was his idea. It wasn't me. I didn't do it. Yeah. Literally my hands. He took control of my arm, coach.

Where did this coach come from? Yeah, yeah. I think so it was football season. Oh. They probably had their practice and at the same time. He's there at night. It sounds like a sting operation. Like the football coach had this other kid as a Confederate and was trying to lure you in.

It's entrapment, classic. Oh, now I don't feel guilty anymore. That's great. I don't feel that guilty. So, well, I did. I did. I honestly carried this around for a long time because, first of all, nothing happened. He just stared at us.

And then 1924, yeah, because. First of all, as an adult in male in 1984, you didn't know how to talk to theater kids at all. This is a small, small town. And in his mind, we're all, you know, if you're a boy and you're in theater. You're a queer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly right.

And in 1984, as a 16-year-old, that's the worst thing you can be called. So a lot of... Still is. I say this as a queer. Yeah. As a queer. I mean, call me fruity, fine, but yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It was, you know, the theater queers are, is what we were. I didn't, you know, it never really bothered me, but, you know, we wore makeup and dance belts and tights. Right. And that didn't seem significantly different than eye black and jock straps and football shorts. Right. But, but, but it was, and he just, he just stared at us for like 30 seconds after I said that, and he just turned his back and walked away. And nothing ever happened.

And so I had this guilt that I had from that moment all. I was like, I can't believe I tried to rat out this kid, Kevin, who I barely knew. And I carried it with me, and I carried it with me. And 30 years later, he shows up on Facebook. And I send him this long message just, you know, talking about how terrible I felt. And I tried to pin this on him. He's like, yeah, I really can't, who cares? Oh, wow.

That's nice. Yeah. And so I still, and so I went, that sent me on an apology. for all the people I wronged in high school when I got to Facebook. Oh, wow. But it's enough. I just got off Facebook before I got to that point. Oh, I deleted Facebook.

Yeah. I did it during COVID. I did a status where I was so pissed about things people were saying about things happening in the world. And I said, I might be deleting this soon. And no one commented. And the only person that did was my sophomore year roommate. And he wrote, are you okay? And I went, I got to go.

And I deleted it. No, I got out of the. They're like, I mean, 15 years ago. Oh. Ages ago. Wow, Andy. Oh, I couldn't take it. You're a tastemaker.

Well, I'm a coward. No. I'm a coward and I have no past. Well, all right, Patrick. I'm glad that you're... I'm glad that you can rest easy. And you did, though, bring up something that I don't... I wish that theater kids would realize that the power of being a theater kid that flummox is coaches.

Use it. Like, you don't even, they don't know how to talk to you. Theater kids are the scariest and coolest kids. Oh, theater kids are terrifying. Yeah. And there's not a more liminal space than after hours at a school cafeteria. Absolutely. Especially after play practice.

Yeah, yeah. So you had the upper hand the whole time. Right, right. He was afraid. He saw you and he trembled. He was thinking of like, I'd like a $100,000 bar. Yeah. I want to be in a play.

I'm a beautiful singer. I sing like an angel. but no one knows. I've devoted my life to violence. All right, Patrick, thank you. Thanks, guys. Bye. Hey, Carrie, guess who's back?

Jeff? It's Jeff. Jeff. Hey. Jeff, what happened? The fuck. Were you getting out of the car and the Bluetooth transfer thing?

Yeah, my daughter took the car and I guess when she turned it on, it like messed up the call or something. You thought you were being like kidnapped. Yeah, yeah, and then we heard a ding-ding-ding. And yeah, and it was like the, car thing. So, but anyway, let's get right back into it because I'm,

you know, it's, it's so ironic that we're talking about jerking it and then we got like... Edged. Yeah, then we got edged. We got story edged. I know, right? Where did you, uh, where did you guys leave off? No, you left off and you said, you were sleeping, you

heard him come home from somewhere and then you heard, you know, God damn it. Oh, yeah. You know, slam bang. Yeah, it gets home and he goes in the room. You know, and he's like, Dabbard. And he goes to the hallway bathroom.

And there's somebody in there. It's that Mike, dude. And he starts banging on the door like, you motherfucker Mike. I know it's here this whole time. He's like, get out of here and we'll beat your ass now. And so, so eventually, like, I don't know,

I guess he came out or something. I don't know what happened between, you know, them two, but I was in my room listening to all this shit. Like, what the hell's going down? And then, yeah, that dude never, like, came back to the house ever again after that. that was crazy was he a roommate or just some like like a vagrant oh yeah oh i didn't say that other part yeah because you guys had cut out um mike was this driftier dude or whatever this douchebag and he

like hang out the house all the time and nobody really liked him or wanted him there so i guess he was just there at the house crank it and so he was the one thing in the mags into the bathroom all the time but did your roommate does he throw the magazines out or did he keep them there as like a well there's still some good pages I don't know. Evidently had him under his mattress or something, but I guess the dude snoop it around everywhere. I don't know.

It was weird. I found out years later, yeah, I found out years later that that dude actually, like, stole my electric guitar out of my band room, too, so that's another thing. They pissed me off about him.

Who was this, like, he was like an old-fashioned, like, train drifter? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And they found the guitar covered in jizz. It was hard as a rock. Yeah, I think it was, like,

doing drugs. Oh, yeah. Wow. Well. Well, thank you for, I'm so glad that we got to finish all over the place. Thanks, Jeff. Yeah, thanks for having me on, guys. No problem.

All right. Let's go to Dave from Michigan. Hello, gentlemen. Thank you for taking my call. Hey, Dave. You got Andy and Carrie. Yeah, yeah. Run late in the show, so I'll try to make it quick.

I was, this was about 20 years ago, the west side of Grand Rapids in Michigan. My birthplace. on my car, excuse me? My birthplace. Oh, you were born in Grand Rapids? I was, but then they bugged out early, so I was just a baby there. I don't have any recollection of it. Okay, well, we'll have to talk again later, Mr. Richter.

No problem. So, yeah, I'm on Lake Michigan Drive working on my car. I got to be to work in a couple hours. I need another part, so I borrow my friend's truck to go to the Auto Zone. I'm trying to do it really fast, so I'm speeding through the S curve. I get nailed by a Michigan State police officer with his radar gun. I get pulled over on the Ann Street exit and he comes up to the passenger side window. He asks for a license registration, insurance. It's my buddy's truck. I don't know where to look. So I open the glove box and sure

enough, there's an envelope there. And I open the envelope and there's the insurance. And I just hand it to the officer across the passenger seat, and he's just staring at me. And I was like, here's the paper, and he's staring at me, and then he looks at the glove box, and then he looks back at me, and then I look at the glove box, and I see my friend's brass marijuana bowl in the glove box, and then I turn and look at the officer and say, well, we've got a predicament here, don't we? And he says, he says, get out of the truck. and we go through the whole process of like who owns the vehicle,

where is it registered, how do you know them? La, la, la. I get all the questions right. So everything's kind of okay. And I was like, man, I like, I got to fix my car and I got to get to work. Like, what's happening here? And he says, well, you're going to have to dispose of the paraphernalia. And I was like, I don't know.

It's metal. It's brass. Like, I don't have a smelting pot in the back of the truck here. I don't know what you want me to do with this. And he's like, well, you're going to have to destroy it. So we dig around through this truck. All we can find is a tire iron, like one of those four-point tire iron. Sure.

And I'm on the side of the highway in the gravel because he didn't want me doing it, obviously, on the traffic side. I'm trying to smash this tiny pieces metal with this big, cumbersome tire iron. And it's just, it's not working. And he's starting to lose patience. He was cracking up at first. And he started to lose patience. And he's like, ah, ah, just throw it over there.

So I just throw this freaking bowl off into the weeds. And the cop's like, all right, go on your way. You're going to pay the speeding ticket. But, you know, be careful, la, la, la. So I get home, fix the car, get to work, like 20 minutes late. Call my buddy. Hey, bro. sorry, sorry, sorry.

He's about the glove box bowl, la, la, la. And he's like, oh, man, my brother gave that to me. So he goes to the exit and start scouring in the middle of the night. Yeah, and that's a hotspot for hobos in the area. So he keeps on getting accosted by hobos. It's the guy from... asking him for weed, probably. Wow.

So that's the short version. Wow. And it was Jeff's roommate. Hot spot for hobos. Yeah. Yeah, it was probably Mark. You probably found some sticky porno mags there too. All right.

All right. Thanks, Dave. Yeah, catch later, Gary. All right, we got a wild card. This is, because we put out the call. We'll take any call. We actually, you know, topic, schmopic. We got a wild card.

We got Justin in Atlanta. And I guess Justin needs advice. All dudes. today, by the way. Yeah, I noticed that. Yeah, yeah. First of all, Grand Rapids, my brother will live there, but that's a tangent. Certainly is. Calling in

because found out about two weeks ago that I'm going to be a dad. Oh, wow. Congrats. Wasn't expecting it. Thank you for the congrats. I mean, we're excited, but it's also, yeah, like, I'm very anxious. And so I just, you know, I haven't been able to tell anyone outside of, you know,

You know, my wife and I have talked about it, and I've talked to my therapists about it. But outside of that, I just, you know, haven't been able to tell anybody. And so I'm just looking for some advice and any tips or anything you can give would be greatly, greatly appreciated. Well, you've made the decision that you're, you're, you and your wife are going. Well, first of all, you're married. Yeah. So that's helpful. Yes.

Yes. And you, and so was it a surprise for both of you? Yeah, it was. I uh so we we're kind of at the point I'm 34 she's 32 and and for the past few years we actually got married during COVID do not recommend a pandemic wedding um and so you well it wasn't cheap um and and so uh we the past year or so we've the past year or so we've talked about it and it's been very much like we're not actively going to try but if it happens it happens and it happened. And how I found out was it was a Sunday morning about 8 in the morning. She comes in

the room screaming. And she's like, hey, I need you to get up. I need you to get up. And I'm immediately thinking, oh, God, someone died, someone got hurt. And the next thing I know, I'm opening my eyes. She's shoving the test into my face. I see it. I know what it means. And I'm just like, okay, we've talked about this. Let me get some coffee. Let's figure this out. So that's kind of how it happened. Yeah. Well, I mean, is she happy? Yeah. She is. I think definitely, you know, nervous, you know, first child for either one of us. And I think a lot of my anxiety is one financial, of course, you know, and same for her. Right. But I think a lot of anxiety is one. Oh, you know, there's a lot of unknowns here. There's that factor. And then the biggest factor from my side is, um,

I'll say this with my parents. I learned a lot about what I don't want to be as a parent. I love them. They did the best that they could, but, you know, there's just a lot there. And there's a lot of, that's a lot of conversations from therapy that I've had. Yeah, I know. But that whole they did the best they could. You know who also did the best they could?

The Nazis. The Kimer Rouge. They did the best they could too. No, I mean, that always just like. You seem like you're already ahead of the game. having that as a motivation as a parent to not do what your parents. Yes, exactly. No, that's kudos to you, Justin, for saying that.

Now, I do have the question. Like, if you could make a percentage, like, what percentage of you is happy and what percentage of you is anxious? Oh, that's hard for me to answer right now because just doing this, I, like, I'm, I can feel the anxiety in my chest. growing. Yeah, yeah. Well, by the way, I think it's just because they did put up a note for me that says that you said in the voicemail, I can tell this secret here because no offense, but nobody that I know listens. So that's rude. I mean, I appreciate, you know, you're, you could be the seed corn in your life for, you know, creating a whole new crop of call and show listeners. Yeah. Yeah, that was a moment of anxiety of a call and answer. That's all right. No offense. No offense meant.

Well, the fact is, I understand the anxiety, but start being happy as much as you can because there's a child coming and children are really great. It's unfortunate that this wasn't a 100% planned thing because that just makes it easier because you're already kind of, because when I started, when I had kids, I was ready to have kids. I was kind of bored with myself. And, you know, my, my ex-wife and I had, we had been married for like seven or eight years before we had kids. So we were kind of tired of just. Ready for the next thing. Yeah, ready for the next thing. And, and it's, and you're at an age that, like, I think, you know, you probably are ready to, I hope, to kind of give yourself over.

Because, by the way, it's not about you. As soon as that kid's out, it's not about you anymore. Yeah. And you need to just kind of come to terms of that. And also, there's a beautiful freedom to that. You know, like, it's, I mean, I have older kids and now I have a new four-year-old. I got remarried and I have a four-year-old now. And there's part of it that's like, man, I don't have to think about anything for like another 15 years.

Because she sets the agenda and she fills up the time. and, you know, and fills up my heart with love. You're kind of living on the edge in a cool way. Yeah. Like, I will die for this thing. Yeah, and you live in a completely reactive way, which is, which can be good. You know, you're sort of, I mean, you have to plan. You have to start at the college fund and all of that and, you know, make sure that they don't eat rocks and stuff.

But, you know, you are just, you're kind of living day to day. Like, what is it? Is she sick today? Is he, you know, is he in a bad mood? You know, it's, we've got to get him into preschool, you know. I say this is a childless homosexual, but when you have kids, doesn't it, things aren't as big a deal anymore as they were? Yeah, that's the other thing, too. That seems great.

Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that seems important before you have kids that you realize, like, oh, that doesn't matter at all. That's freedom. Yeah. It's liberating. Yeah, yeah. I know it's easy for me to say because it's not my life, but I do think from my own experience, anxiety and I don't have like an anxiety thing so again it's easy for me to say but you really do have to talk yourself into calming down and and you know this is coming you're not going to get out of

the way so and take lexapro I've changed my life I have anxiety disorder yep if you got yeah that's another one on it already it's really helpful yeah no I'm on I currently do take medication I just recently up the dose for other reasons, not related to this, but my therapist and I've already talked, and there's probably going to be another doses to increase in the coming future as we'll get closer. Yeah, yeah. We'll get there when we get there. Well, I mean, seriously, congratulations.

Yeah. You know, it is a, it is a beautiful, not to be all J.D. Vance on you, but it is a beautiful thing. And it's a very fulfilling thing. You know, it's, it's really, really nice. if you if you if you if you surrender to it you sound like you'll be a great parent honestly no man um i'm really trying not to cry um hearing that a lot of a lot of good people on my life have told me that and it um i mean excuse me for cracking up here a little bit um but you know

just this weekend i was hanging out with um some friends of ours and they have a five-year-old and you know, I was showing him attention, putting him on my shoulders and hanging out with him and buying him a snow cone and, you know, and those things, you know, it's a new perspective for me now. And I am anxious. I do. I am scared. But at the same time, that happiness is there. Yeah. It's just right now, you know, I'm already surrendered to this to this kid because, you know, the focus right now for me is day to day of my wife. She's, you know, going through the motions. dealing with the sickness and all that. And it's just what can I do today to help her?

And I think, you know, you got a supporting role now, too. That's the other thing. You know, you're not carrying a child. She is. And that's something to remember. Absolutely. Well, I, uh, Justin, it's good that you're nervous. It's good that you're scared.

If you weren't, then that would be more troublesome. So, uh, congratulations. And, and just concentrate on love. each other and and focus on you know the excitement and the happiness because you know you can raise you know all you got to do you know you need money and stuff sure but you can make it you know you can make a happy life yeah no absolutely and i appreciate you taking the time thank you thank you carrie once again uh the sexy unique podcast this saturday the bourbon room in los angeles Yeah, I'll get you on the VIP list.

We normally pick a best call, but, I mean, for Christ's sake, that's got to, you know. That was good. I also like the vending machine one. The vending machine one was good, and the jerkin it in the porn meg. We got to say cranking it in the porn mag. It was like a men's emotional men's hour. It was. It was very, yeah, it was very men's rights.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, thank you very much for listening. This is the Andy Richter-Callin show. I'll be back next week. So call us, be a part of this thing. It's a freaking movement, people.