The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Chelsea Peretti: Back to School Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 19, 2025

Chelsea Peretti joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your BACK TO SCHOOL STORIES! Plus, Chelsea and Andy discuss shooting a movie together, Chelsea's memories of her days as a student, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Hello, everybody. This is the Andy Richard Call-in Show on Conan O'Brien Radio. Today we're talking back to school, because that's what's happening right now. Unless you live under a rock, you will notice there's more. more children cluttering up the streets in the morning and in the afternoon. And we're going to deal with it, and you're going to tell us stories about it.

Our numbers 855-266-2604, and here to help me talk about it is my former boss, Chelsea Peretti, who really truly, I was very, very flattered that she cast me in her directorial debut. the aptly named first-time female director. Sheldon. And my name was Sheldon, because that's, I've been Sheldon my whole life. I was just waiting to be Sheldon. But we had a great time, and that movie is available on Roku, and it's very, very funny and has an amazing cast.

I think casting is your greatest strength as someone that you cast, you know. But no, it was, it was a lot of fun. Well, how many times do you watch a comedy and you wish you could have, recast three or four of the roles, you know? Oh, are you saying you do that with first time female director? No, no, no, with mine. I'm saying there's so many comedies that don't have funny people in them. Yes.

So, you know, you read me. Oh, sure I do. Sure I do. But that's not what this show is about. This show is about building up, not tearing down. Oh, if that were true. I love tearing down. Taring down is the best.

Yeah, let's tear down some of these school kids. kids. Take them down a peg. They're back to school. They're feeling all important. They're all like nervous about their new environments and whether or not they're going to, you know, yeah. No, did you enjoy going, did you enjoy school when you were a kid? You know, not really. Like, I think that eighth grade was my, my first good year. Yeah. Eighth grade and on I did pretty good. Yeah, yeah. But elementary school. What do you think what it was? You just sort of found yourself? I think that if you march to your own beat, as it were,

uh, elementary school is going to suck for you. Most likely. Right. Like, I just think it's like parents freaking out if their kids are normal or not. And the pressure to just be kind of in the pack. Yes. Is so high. At least, I don't know.

I think it's still that way, honestly. No, I think, yeah. No, you're rewarded for. submitting you're yeah it's like even like I don't know I just feel like it just isn't a time that celebrates individuality elementary school it's like do you have friends are are you doing your work oh you're you know like it's like your your first taste of being socialized and for me I was just told I was weird all the time and it was like eighth grade I became funny and then it was like oh okay like now i that's what i am yeah yeah but now as i'm now that i'm like nearing

death i'm just thinking i want to get back in touch with that weird person what's she all about yeah yeah yeah yeah i have um both of my daughters are we you know it's all all three of my kids are very polite in the outside world which i'm that's great like they can be assholes at home. Oh, totally. You know what I mean? That's fine. But both of my daughters especially are, I think like, I'm very happy that when they, if they continue in the way that they have been and, and I mean, there's a white one of them, actually my daughter, Mercy turns 20 today. Happy birthday, Mercy. Happy birthday, Mercy. She's not, she's not listening. But then I have a five-year-old and both of them, they're very similar. And I think they are, when they are women,

they are going to advocate for themselves so strongly. Yeah. But as a parent, it's a nightmare. Yeah. It's like, Jesus Christ, when do the negotiations end? I know. You know, I know. It's, it's, it's definitely like, were you like that as a kid? Yes. Me too. So it's like, you just feel like, oh, okay, of course. You know, it's like you're anti-authority and your, kind of doing your own you like to be kind of doing your own thing it's like of course your kid is likely going to be that way maybe they won't but

and so it's like again one of these things that's hard when you're little but it can be a great asset when you're older I don't think that they can really test for it but I bet if you could in my kids and my genetic makeup there would be a

fuck me no fuck you gene like that that's because that's like Like I said, that's a very basic, fuck me, you know, like, what are, what do I do? You know, that kind of thing is, and they both definitely, all three of my kids have that too, so, you know. It's funny because when I was a kid walking around El Cerrito Plaza with my dad, I grew up in the Bay Area, he was in El Cerrito. And my mom was in Oakland, and we were walking around and there was this guy who was kind of like yelling and talking to himself. And when he walked by me and my dad, he goes, fuck you. and my dad goes well fuck you too sir and I just I was so like shocked and like thrilled by this as a child like the tone and yeah yeah so yeah anyway but it's like funny how there's these moments as a parent that your parent can surprise you and it kind of sticks with you as like oh yeah oh you're this strange person right right exactly and sometimes

sometimes they can let you down with how strange they are too. So, yeah, so anyway, back to school. 855-266-2-604 is the number. Chelsea Peretti here is here with me. A very funny host of the Call Chelsea Peretti podcast, comedian, actress, filmmaker. And we're going to talk to Gina from Illinois first. Gina. Hello?

Hi, Gina. Hi, Andy. This is so cool. Oh, I'm glad you think it's cool. I do too. I have a radio show. It's pretty cool. That is really cool. You got me and Chelsea here. It's so nice to talk to you. Hi, Chelsea. Hi, how are you? We're still watching the Kroll Show. We're still watching the Kroll Show on TV every weekend. Wow, your TV must have a lengthy delay. Well, my story today.

But I do love Kroll Show. We just, we adore you on that. Thank you. So my story is from when I was a student, it's not super school related at first. It's really more about a party. So back in 1995, I was a junior in high school. And I live in a very small town. It has 1100 people.

We consolidated so the high school in town was in a town of 2,400. people. So it was really, really small. And what's the average temperature? We're in the middle of Illinois, so it fluctuates wildly. Muggy. It's muggy. Even in the winter. Right now, we just got another heat advisory. Oh, nice. What a mess. So I'm also the youngest of six in a blended family. Okay. So I think by the time my parents got to me, they were just over it. So they would

they would go on trips, especially to Vegas, and just leave me at home. I had a job, so they figured it was fine. Yeah. And so one of the trips, my friends and I decided to throw a huge party, and we thought we were being really clever. So we had junior high school. I was a junior. Okay.

I think it would have been around 1995, maybe 96. And we thought we were being really clever by having everybody park up the street at the bank and then walk, like, cut through the back way so that they wouldn't none of our neighbors would see anybody coming in the door. They would just think people were doing a lot of nighttime banking. Yeah. Smart. We should have probably thought about that, but we could tell them at least a park at the back of the bank.

And we even put foil over the windows. Like we had like, you know, it was 1995. You were a drug addict. Yeah, like an opium den or something is what it sounds like. And we shot all the shades because I was determined not to get caught. And we did really well. Yeah. Except my friend.

It's funny though, right, like if your neighbor had aluminum foil suddenly over all their windows and tons of people filing into the back of the bank, you'd be like, what the fuck are these teenagers doing? There's nothing suspicious going on over there. It was a perfect plan. Right, right, right. Oh, it's that girl that's left home alone all the time. That's exactly what I thought, yeah. I thought I was being so clever. So we were doing fine until one of the girls, one of my friends,

had invited kids from another small town and didn't give them the directions to park at the bank. So they came bumping down the street with their music and they pulled into the driveway, which immediately drew suspicion. And so our next door neighbor, who was my mom's best friend and also my third grade teacher. And a rat.

Yeah. Came running over, banging on the door, and she had a key. So she unlocked the door and let herself in. And she started screaming, oh, my God, there's boys here. And there's booze. Oh, my God.

And so she was like all, you know, half of our third grade teacher, you know, and so everybody starts running. They're jumping. People were climbing out the windows. People were just running for the bank to get back to their cars and not get caught. And so a couple of my friends stayed and we cleaned it all up. And I called my parents and said, lied and said, oh, the neighbor just completely overreacted. And it was just a few friends.

we had a couple of drinks, and I can't believe this is happening, and they bought it. Yeah. So by the time they got home, I cleaned up, no trouble other than they were like, try to stop being obnoxious, you know. Mm-hmm. And about three days later, my dad was downstairs looking under his bar because we had a, you know, it was the house from the 80. So there was a bar downstairs. You guys are, yeah, and your parents are obviously swingers. Cool.

They're cool. Yeah, yeah. And so he found five empty cases of beer that I had forgot, that I'd missed. when I was cleaning up. Wow. You guys went through some beer really fast. Five cases? It was a big party.

No, no, junior in high school. Oh, okay. That sounds about right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I started by, yeah. And we got away with it for a while. It was a rager for a while.

We had a good time. Yeah, yeah. Until we got caught. What was your drink of choice in high school? You know, I was a beer drinker, but at this party in particular, the drink of choice was Southern comfort and mountain dew

Oh, it's so gross Q Britney Spears toxic That is so nasty My fucking God Yeah Wow Did you guys have gross drinks when you're Oh God, yes

I used to drink E&J My first time Getting drunk was high school And I drank a 40 of old English And then me and my friends Would go to liquor stores and get adults Like now as an adult I'm like, who does this?

Yeah, yeah. We would get adults to get us like E&J and drink that. Just like out of the bottle, like swigs of brandy with nothing to like, yeah, yeah, wow. But then pretty much anything, anything we could get our hands on. Of course. Yeah. Of course. I was always when I mean, I was a kid, and I grew up in sort of North Central Illinois too.

So I'm familiar. No, I'm just kidding. Come on, North Central Illinois. Go North Central Illinois. Go cornfields. Go soybeans. but it was always it was always beer it was like it was such a beer it was such a beer thing and it was so funny because like my my mom and dads when they were kids because they went to high

school together my dad was in the same class as my mom's older sister and so but it was all like and my grandparents worked and they would so their house was the party house but they would have like cocktail parties like it was like teenagers drinking Manhattans and stuff like that my mom told me that twice one of her parents came home

and it's in the middle of the afternoon and they're all like you know it's like Playboy after dark but at 4.30 on a Wednesday and one of her parents had come home and the kids all dumped their drinks in the fish tank and murdered all the fish like twice. Why not a sink?

I don't know. I don't know probably because they're just cruel and destructive but it was like twice that my grandmother was like, I don't know what happened to the fish. Then it had like a whole fish version of weekend at Bernies. Yes. And the meresquino cherries that were in there too

is probably a... Yeah, bobbing around. Yeah, yeah. Well, Gina, thank you so much. Well, I do want to add one last thing. No. No, let her. Chelsea, let her. It's been enough. Chelsea, please. Okay, fine. I ended up a few years later going to college to become a teacher.

And then I ended up being a first grade teacher for 20 years and having to teach with that same teacher neighbor. Oh, the third grade teacher? And did you guys laugh about it or were you still holding a grudge? Was she still disappointed in you? I laughed. I laughed to the whole time. I laughed all the time.

We made a book about it and we thought it was funny. But she never talked about it again. And that's okay too. Yeah, yeah. That's so weird. Like, what do you? It's always amazing to me when people think. Like, oh, like, there's boys and booze.

Like, yeah, yeah, that's good, you know. Sounds like a party, miss. Yeah, sounds like regular life, lady. All right. Well, thank you, Gina. Thank you for your call. Thank you. Thank you.

Bye, Gina. Be good to those kids. Let them party. Okay, next up, we got Joe from Baltimore. Joe, Chelsea and I want to hear your story. Okay. I was told to get into it. really fast.

I'm going to get into it. You're known as a real chatterbox, Joe. Yeah. I mean, I don't know if you are. I'm just kidding. No, that's what I call you jabberin Joe. And it's for a reason. Joe, jawbone.

All right, hit us, Joe. This is my second time calling and I thought I'd be less nervous, but I'm not. Oh, don't be nervous, please. We're all friends. Okay. When I was in Catholic school in second grade, there was a bully. His name was Mark. And he forced me and my best friend to shoplift toys for him after school. We would have to go to the local. I'm a boomer. So there were still department stores downtown. And we went to the Carl Company downtown. And we stole all of the. things for a Mattel thing that was called the thing maker which had plastic and you would bake it

and make rubber. I remember those. We had that too. Anyway, we boot. No, my brother and I had that toy. That was pretty fucking awesome. The smell of cooking plastic. Yeah, I know. I mean, how much cancer do we have from that?

Eskosh. Sorry. Shoplifting was big back in the day. I feel like it's fallen out of favor. You know what? I don't think so. I think... Really?

Everything's online. What do you do? Go to a pop-up and fucking try to steal the red velvet rope on Melrose Avenue? There's still Clare's that you can fill your pockets, you know? Hot topic. That's their motto. Yeah, yeah. Clear your pockets.

Get the fuck out. We don't give a shit. This costs one cent to make. You could steal all day and we'd still be in the black. We'd still be billionaires. Yeah. All right, sorry, Joe. Claire Fitzgerald sitting on top of a pile of money in a mink stole.

Is that really your name? No. Not my knowledge, but imagine if we looked it up and it is. So Joe, wait, tell us. So there's a bully named Mark. Yes. And he was about, he had to be three years older than everybody else in second grade. He had to have been held back a couple of times.

Oh, yeah. And so we were terrified of them. And so we did it, we did it this one time. We gave him all this stuff. And then he tried to get us to do it again. And we decided we were going to fight back. And so we ended up the two, it was two on one. And we were fighting in another department store in the, in the vestibule next to the revolving door.

as adult shoppers were walking into this big department store there were the second graders in the in the vestibule in between the glass taking turns fighting this kid and I just I have this memory of watching my friend John like you know wrestling with Mark and and getting choked and then I ran in

and it was like it was it was it was a nightmare what a brilliant bully though honestly, like, to outsource your shoplifting, he's like, I don't want any blood on my hands, you know, like, let me get these guys with a record, you know? He's actually very smart. He's like a copo. Yeah. But so you won the fight, I guess, and now you're, now you own Amazon? Well, no.

No, it was more like we managed to distract him enough so that we could run away from them. And I told, I ended up telling my mom about it. That's a win, by the way. Absolutely. Yeah. Distracting bullies and getting away, that counts as a win. Sprinting away, sure. Yeah.

I had some, I had some scratches on my face. And I ended up telling my, I ended up telling my mom what happened. Yeah. She was like grilling me. And she made me. go back to Carl's. She brought me back to Carl's, and I had to pay. I had to break open my Abraham Lincoln Penny Bank and take out enough money to pay for the stuff that I stole. Wow. I had to go there through the store and pay for that stuff. Then she took me to Mark's house.

She didn't know Mark or his parents, but we went to Mark's house and she told them what was going on, and Mark's parents realized that they knew her because one time she had a flat tire in front of their house and they helped her fix her flat tire. They proceeded to beat the shit out of Mark. Yeah, yeah. They burned him with cigarettes. Yeah.

They called Mark out and that was like, I mean, it's just like the nightmare scenario. You're in the room with the bully. Yes. And he knows that you basically told on him, yeah and you're in the room but he was like he was completely like his eyes were down and they made him bring out the shit that we stole and he gave it all uh to my mom and um and then um and you know and he was in and he was in deep shit he was in very very big trouble that is really like you know

sometimes being a parent is completely like you know you just don't have the answers sometimes Like, when I think of this scenario, I'm like, I guess your mom betrayed your confidence, but she also kind of taught you a big moral lesson, and you probably remembered that maybe stealing isn't worth it, but it's also like you were being bullied by the guy. Now you're almost a little bit of being bullied by your mom. Like, I don't know what the right way to handle that was, but I think she did it wrong. When in doubt, blame the mom. You know?

Well, but so she takes the stuff. And also, I'm just curious, like, what kind of items are we talking about if you remember? Yeah. Yeah, well, so if you remember that toy, you had that stuff that was in little, little bottle. Oh, you had to pour into the mold. Yeah. Oh, like arts and crafts? Yeah.

The bully was like, all I want is to do arts and crafts, but my parents want me to be a mechanic. I'm a monster creator. Yeah. That's, this story just keeps getting more and more sad, more deeply sad. So it was just the liquid shit, right? The stuff that you pour into the molds to make the goo. And I think I managed to steal one mold. Ah. I had a pretty big raincoat that I used to dump this swag.

Again, a kid thinking they're outsmarting the system, walking into a mall in a rain coat. Yeah, yeah. Who knows the sweater in Baltimore can change. at any moment. Well, this wasn't in Baltimore. This was in my hometown of Schenectady, New York. Oh, yeah. Well, then, of course.

Then, of course, you would have a raincoat on. I saw Schenectady. Yeah. Now I know why all this transpired. I think this is a real case for arts in the school. Yes. None of this would have happened if there was arts in the schools. Right.

If you had been able to make hot mold. monsters in school. You both would have just been happily making little crafts side by side. Yeah. And bullying would have never even evolved. So what does your mom do with the stuff? I mean, and just do you think Mark gets consequences from his parents or just gives the stuff and, you know, I do believe that Mark got some sort of punishment.

And my mom took this stuff and we went yet again back to the store. And I was like, ma, not only. did I steal that shit, but you made me pay for it. Yeah, now it's paid for. Right. Also, it's like, then you'd never want to go back there again. She's like, let's go back to school shopping. You're like, I'm good.

Right, right. I can't set foot in that fucking place. Let's go to Shane Brothers. I ended down about about $4. I, like, I never recovered from that financially. Wow. To this day. You've been in the red since.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I think your mom was wrong to not let you keep the stuff Because you'd already bought it You know, I mean, and she's just You know, that's just Your mom's probably the reason why capitalism is probably run amok But your mom loved you And she wanted you

Now I have to take up for moms She wanted you to be a good kid So erratic This is the worst kind of parenting, Chelsea I know, I'm chaotic You're changing Yeah, you're like changing the rules as we go I know.

My mom believed in karma and she didn't like the energy that the merch had. Yeah. Oh, I see. I mean, I shoplifted a good amount from, yeah, back in the day. I have, I was, and I was actually sitting here thinking about this story because it's so sad. But when I was a little kid, my great aunt lived in a retirement home, like, in like a, assisted living facility in our town. And I went to Hornsby's, which was like a Woolworth, like an old five and dime. And it was her birthday. And I had money and I was going to buy her

a birthday present. And there was like this little sort of pitcher, like little country pitcher. And I was like, oh, that's nice. You know, that's like a little thing for her. And there was like a little, but I didn't have enough money to get like some dried this dried flowers to put in the pitcher and so I put the dried flowers in my pocket and bought the little pitcher so I could give it to my great aunt

that's the only time aside from what I that's really wholesome shoplifting I mean like I've never heard a shoplifting story that warms the heart like that but it's like just like I just think like oh sad little effeminate at Andy buying flowers and pictures for old ladies

you know and that's when he that's what he's willing to break the law for that's so sweet that's like an American hero I'm glad you think it's sweet I just think it's kind of like sad but were there no flowers outside then I would be stealing someone's flowers you know

I don't know it's like and as it is it's like I'm buying her a present that's just more junk to put on one of her shelves of junk you know a lot of people love chotchkees she's on her way out yeah and you know it's just i mean that within a few years that little piece of chotchky that little chotchky became someone else's problem so uh mortality i i was always i stealing for some reason i always was like no yeah you shouldn't steal it's not right yeah i mean i i i genuinely had just like a brief love affair with it and i can't

remember how it started but i know i was like a teenager and I feel like I was like shoplifting bras like sexy bras like 13ish 14ish or older I think so yeah like young you know but I think I had a friend that was doing it and like you just wanted to fit in so fast yeah she she remembers stuff better but um but yeah and then I never continued with it you know but maybe I should pick that back up right you could have gotten really good at it what would you shoplift now oh geez got to be a high ticket item yeah yeah yeah Yeah. Oh, a therogun. Disposable razors. Disposable razors. Is that a theragun in your pockets, sir?

No. No, it isn't. It's a real gun, and I deserve to have it. I'm an American. Yeah. All right. Well, Joe, thank you for calling in. And, you know, and next time, take as much time as you want, because we certainly meandered a lot here. I just want to say Chelsea Peretti. Oh, you guys are gone. No, we're here. Oh, my gosh.

We're just waiting. You said her name, and now we're waiting. We're waiting for the bomb to drop. Wow. No, I just want to say, like, Kelsey Freddie, a huge fan. And, like, I don't want to say, hooray for something you did five years ago, you know, such as Brooklyn 9-9. But so I'm just going to say, I loved your work as additional voices on Crapopopolis. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Thanks for your astute eye and IMDB fluency. where you can you can always you can congratulate any of the people that will be on this show for anything that they've ever done also what additional voices i had a character on crepopolis yeah yeah no the character's name was additional voices wait let me hear this guy what did you say what did you say joe yeah Wikipedia has you listed as additional voices what the fuck Wikipedia you gotta get your I had a full on character get your social media team on that right now Oh, great. Thanks, Joe. Now she's going to be in her phone and not. Yes, go ahead. One more thing.

Just one more thing about Mark Blades. The last time I saw him, I was waiting for a bus. You know, we're still school kids. And he punched me. Oh. He's like, hey. You know, like, remember that thing? Yeah, yeah.

You guys, but he was like 22. Remember that morality lesson? Hey, man. I went to elementary school with you and he punches you. I don't know. I was still wearing my, I was, I was, I, I still had the same raincoat on that I used for shoplifting, and he punched me. It was those yellow raincoats with the buckles.

Yeah, yeah. And he punched me so hard that he cut his hand on the buckles, and he bled all over my raincoat. Oh, wow. I hate that. That's a nice ketchup and mustard color scheme. All right, Joe, thanks so much. Anyway, thank you, Doug. All right.

Crazy that he was still wearing the raincoat. It's very rain and Schenectady, I guess. Is it? Yeah, yeah. Or maybe he was part of the Lil Perves school. Yeah, seriously. A little perves club at school. There might be more to the story.

Yep. 855-266-2-6-0-4 is the number here on the Andy Richter call-in show. We're talking back-to-school stories. And Kevin from Ottawa is calling in. He's got a back-to-school story for me and Chelsea Peretti. Go ahead, Kevin. Let us have it. Hi, Andy.

Hi, Chelsea. Hello are you? Great. So look, mine is a back-to-school adjacent story. That's fine. We don't care. take place at, yeah, I figured. So, but let's try anyway. So it does take place at a school, but it's in the summer. That's okay. So in the mid-90s, I worked at a university residence

or what you might call a dorm in the summer. And the deal was, you know, with no students around, the university could rent out classrooms, auditorium, et cetera, to like outside groups for meetings, team building retreats, whatever. So there were, and these folks then would stay in the dorms, obviously, right? Because, you know, nothing builds a team like using a communal shower with your co-workers. Right. So six of us staffed the dorm and we, you know, check people in, help them with their luggage, show them around the campus, you know, tell them what bars to avoid downtown, you know, whatever needed to be done. And I'd say most of the groups were great. Like, these were good folks and they didn't cause any problems. There was a church group, like a summer camp

or something like that, 10 boys, 10 girls, and their organizers. Yeah. And, you know, we put the boys and the girls on separate floors, seemed like a smart thing to do. Right. But what the organizer insisted on was that someone had to be on the floor during the night to make sure nothing went down, nothing unusual. So this was understandable. You know, we're talking about kids 12, 13 years old.

Right. So I kind of naively put up my hand for this eight-hour, essentially, nightshed. I had my coffee, my snacks, I sat in the TV room of the boys' floor, and I did rounds, you know, every 30 minutes from, you know, 10 to 6. Okay. And I don't know if you, I don't know if you've ever done a night shift, but the biggest challenge I thought I was going to have was these kids, but I hardly ever saw them at all. The biggest challenge was just staying away. Of course. You know, this is the days before, before streaming, you know, I'm watching.

you know, TV with the bunny ears kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. And once the TV plays the National Anthem at 2 a.m., you're on your own. You're on. Yeah, you're watching snow. Yeah. So I'm just trying to stay awake through this whole thing. So, you know, I did my rounds, and I managed not to fall asleep, great accomplishment.

And eventually the sun rose, I did my last round at six. I went home feeling great about the low experience. Tired, of course, though. Right. So I come back. Please don't tell me that. all the boys were dead. Or please do.

Not yet. Or please do. But just tell us something. Oh, Chelsea. So I come back that afternoon. Yeah, I come back that afternoon. And the first thing I hear from a co-worker is that the organizer who came with these kids is pissed. Oh.

Something has happened. Something has happened. Something has gone wrong. So I'm immediately freaked out. I go see my boss. And she says, well, it turns out one of the kids took a dump in the sink of the girls' bathroom. Oh, well.

How do they know it was one of the boys? Well, this is it. Yeah. This is it. And certainly wasn't me. And they didn't have DNA testing back then. Would they do that at a school, pull in a stool sample? I don't think so.

It was a university, you know. You read it by a forensics team. I want to get that done a couple hours. Right, exactly. So anyway, I am mortified, and not because of the dump, but, you know, because I let people down. I feel like I didn't maybe do my job, you know, as well as I could. And I say to my boss, look, I'll go apologize to the organizer if that helps to cool things down. And she said, do not, do not, Kevin, your job was to keep these, you know, twerps from starting a fire or dangling one of their buddies out of a seven-story window.

Yeah. You know, who cares? You know, someone took a shit in the same. Yeah, some turns in the sink is not a kid. The kids are, they're all alive. You did your job. You got them to the finish line. Exactly.

At the end of the day, you know, everybody leaves alive. Yeah. But boy, did they leave. They were, they were supposed to stay for two nights. I think they were so, you know, they were so pissed off about the Duke and the sink that they left that day. And, yeah, it was, you know, their loss, I think. They should have stuck around. Wow.

See, that's ridiculous. But you know what? What do you expect from Christians? This is it, right? And I thought I was doing, you know, I thought I was doing my Christian charges. Right. A favor by, you know, doing my walk around every 30 minutes, never heard anything. Certainly, you know, I didn't hear anything.

There is a particular, like, in childhood, like there were, like, kids that shit places as like a kind of, like, it wouldn't this be a funny thing? to do like there were a couple boys and it was always boys so it must have been a boy that's i mean they were probably pretty safe and assuming but i the kid did have to go to another floor to shit in a sink right that's right yeah i don't think shit based back stairwell or something like literal shit based comedy i'm not partial to i think it's a little pathological absolutely that's Remember John Bonnet Ramsey? Didn't her brother do like weird things with shit? Oh, I don't remember that.

I don't know. I mean, I, you know, I have copious notes about them, but I do not remember that. I saw a documentary about that girl. Just about him shitting? No, about little Jean-Beney-Hons. Yeah, yeah. And I really couldn't sleep because I was like, I think I can solve this. Yeah.

Like, anyway, but so that boy stuck in my head. There was, when I was in high school. I was a freshman or sophomore, and there was a kid that, like, he was, you know, this kid was kind of slightly annoying. Yeah. But he was on the high school baseball team. He was a catcher. He had a new catcher's mitt. Yeah.

And there was another, and everybody knew who did it, this other boy shit in his catcher's mitt and close it up and put it back in his locker. And even at the time, like, that's like, it's unnerving. Also, it's like, it's upsetting. How are you able to time your shits like that? I don't know. That's another piece of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, who knows?

Maybe he's got his own only fans now. It's just really, it's obviously so gross and so. It's really gross. So like, ugh. That's also, there's, uh, it's a very common thing, uh, with home break-ins, uh, for the perpetrator to shit somewhere. Like inappropriate, like on your bed or, you. You know, like on the floor. That's common.

Like it's a very common thing. Yeah. There's a great, I read it years ago. There's a great book called What Cops Know. Yeah. And it's just like sort of lore about, you know, this sort of weird ins and outs of different crimes. And like people wait, like somebody breaks into a house and robs it while people are asleep

and they're so quiet. But they shit on the bed. The people wake up and there's human shit on their bed. I guess they can't flush. The poise that that would. take both, you know, literal and figurative. I thought, oh, maybe they're getting like, you know, when you get, like, pre-show jitters. But, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But honestly. No, this is like some kind of, like, weird because it happens with like, like, like, like, like where they break in and they, you know, break into a safe. There's like, it's like if the cops are like, oh, if you go and there's like, oh, there's a safe that was broken open and they're like, it's very out, like, well, we'll probably find shit somewhere. Like someone probably will have shit on the floor. somewhere it's very strange very you know humans are weird i think that's what i think that's what

you've taught us kevin yeah kevin yeah thank you thank you for that for that message you know and i just feel bad that i didn't catch the guy in the act i could prevent it's more great what would you have done in the axe he's mid shit you're like stop suck that back in buddy stop that yeah yeah you get off the sink pull that turd back in you christian All right. Well, thank you, Kevin. Yeah, real pleasure talking with you both. Nice talking to you, too. Take care.

To further, our Canadian theme, we have Margaret from Ontario calling in Ottawa and Ontario. Margaret, you there? I understand. Oh, no, I just was going to say, Chelsea, we will take off-topic cards and our off-topic calls, and this is one. and we call them wild cards. All right. So, Margaret, you got a wild card call for us? Yeah.

Well, hit us with it. Okay, I do feel bad that I don't have a good school story, but that's all right. This story does involve passing out, so I feel like it's kind of aligned. Okay. Yeah, okay, so I've been, and first off, this is really, really cool. Tilsie and you're up there kind of surreal. Hi. Thank you.

Hi. Hi, you're both amazing. Thank you. You are, too. So this is really cool. Yeah, you might get sick. You probably don't get sick if you're very bad. What?

Okay. What did you just say? Saying again. Oh, I said, sorry. I said you probably, yeah, I probably don't get sick of hearing that. That we're amazing. We like to hear we're amazing. Oh, sick of hearing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were saying, like, you probably don't get sick if you hear like a disgusting story. No. I was all getting excited for a crazy story. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Oh, okay. Okay, well, it's kind of similar to that.

Okay, so I've been a Maria Bantford fan for a while. You know, Lady Dynamite, et cetera. She's amazing, obviously. So a couple of years ago, I went to see her in Toronto for the Just for Last Festival. And my lovely partner came with me. He knows I don't like to drive on the highway, driving to Toronto's pretty busy. He's a fan, too, but, you know. It was mainly for years.

you just to facilitate your Bamford head. Yeah, he's great. He's great like that. Yeah. Yeah, he's awesome. And so, you know, of course, fantastic show.

You know, just gold material. It's getting close to the end. This is Maria Bamford's manager. She's like, not a single false note. Every single joke hit hard as fuck. Anyway. Yeah, yeah. Completely underappreciated.

Sold out, five shows sold out on an incredible tour, gut-splitting tour. Call this number for booking? Yeah. Okay, so, yeah, the show was good. So, yeah, you get the full Maria Bamford experience. Yeah, yeah. I mean, maybe too much because she gets to what's the last story sort of joke. And it's this very, it's a story about a medical emergency that she experienced.

And it's very binaecological. So there is blood, and it's involving sort of the, you know, lady parts. Yeah. Lady parts. And, you know, and it's quite detailed and extensive. And it sort of involves her being at the hospital and then leaving the hospital and then having to go back to the hospital.

And there's sort of like waves of blood in this story. Oh, sounds hot. And she's getting to, she's, yeah, yeah, it's really sexy. And she gets to sort of the climax of the story. which is like this conversation. But I don't get to hear the conversation because I hear from beside me this groaning sounds. So I turn and I'm thinking, oh, my partner, he's just hating this joke. So I turn and look and he's completely passed out.

He is totally unconscious and slumping down in his seed. And I think he's having heart attack or is maybe dying right now. Continues to be Maria Banffert's manager. He actually laughed himself to death and back. That's how funny she is. Tickets going fast. A few tickets left in Toronto. So it's sort of a nightmare where, you know, there's a show going on and we're having this medical emergency in the aisle.

And so I managed to kind of like get the attention of the people behind me because I'm sort of having to hold him up in the seat. Yeah. And they go and got someone from the show, and they sort of quietly come up the aisle. And by that point, he's regained consciousness. So we figure, you know, oh, he's just completely grossed out by the story. It sort of short-circuited his brain. Wow. Yeah.

What a fucking pussy. I know. Well, and I can say I knew that there was a precedent for this because this had happened one other time when he had gone for a consultation for the fucking thing. Are you in a burnt sanctuary? And I just heard a tufted titmouse like five times I just wondering. Are you a birder? Okay, go ahead. Well, I kind of am, but I'm actually outside so that he can't hear me tell this story.

Oh, shit. Oh, no. Wait, so he passed out once before when there was, you said he was, what was you doing? He was at a consultation for a vasectomy, and the doctor was talking about what the procedure would involve. and he passed out and he blocked out. Wow. So, um,

Jesus Christ. So that happened. And so, um, like what is there to explain? Little, they make little slits in your sack and they snip the tubes and then you're done. Yeah.

And then it's just, you're shooting blanks and having fun. Happily shooting blanks for the rest of your days. Yeah. Woohoo. Bang bang. Poo! And so,

uh, that happened. That was a couple of years ago. Okay. So, um, This spring, I see Maria Bansford coming back to the area. Now, wait, did he say, didn't he say like, wait, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Margaret.

Did he say, yes, that story was too much for me and I passed out? Yes, yeah, that's how he explained it. He said he just, he couldn't do it. It was too much. And you didn't have to go to the ER or anything. You didn't have to go to the ER. No, no, he, no, he didn't feel great for the rest of the day, but he was fine after that. So this spring, we see she's coming back to time and we figure it's, there's no way.

She's going to tell the same story again. It's probably safe. So go to the show, make it all the way through the show, think we're in the clear, then the story starts. And I'm immediately looking at him like, do we need to leave? We probably need to leave. He says, no, no, no, I can handle it. I can handle it. So we're both just focusing.

She's telling the same story? I mean, as her manager, I should say, she's being an amazing twist on it. No, no, but it's a, I mean, it's a fantastic story. And it was like a couple years later in a different city than it wasn't in Toronto. Oh, I see. And he's like, I got this. I got this.

Don't worry, dude. I'm going to be able to stomach it. It's a bunch of bloody bad stuff. I got it. He's been practicing for two years by looking at images, hearing stories. Get your hands off me. I'm fine. Oh, my God. So he does make it for the story. And then we, it's at the very end of the show. So we stand up, walking up the aisle, get to the door into the lobby. And I'm thinking, we made it. It's totally safe.

You go to high-five him. Completely. Hey, go to high-five him. He completely, he starts falling to the ground. And I'm trying to catch them. Oh, my God. Completely splayed out in the door frame. And we were like the first people out. So this whole crowd of people that were blocking. So this time, this time the, they had paramedics there. So they took us into this back hallway. They flagged, they red flagged his name on the ticket purchases and brought in that pyramids.

Well, no, Maria's has to have that at every show because of this story. The shock, the shocking. She's like a shock jock. Yeah, yeah. Look, you better have some medical people standing by. because I get raunchy. She has to perform in a padded auditorium. Oh, man.

But, yeah, I could not stop laughing. The paramedics are checking his vitals, and I was trying to explain to the stage in energy. You know, this has happened to him three times in his life, and twice has been from Rue Davis. That is so funny. Is there any video? I went.

Oh, my God, yeah. You know, they actually offered. to go get her for us to meet, but he was too embarrassed. You should take it if you ever... Maybe... If you ever see if Sarah Sherman's doing a show, take him and then be ready to record. He... I don't know. He likes

her, Sarah Sherman, but... Well, okay. I don't know. It's something about like the story. I don't know. He's a very visual thinker. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, Margaret. But now he gets scared to whatever. Okay, thanks so much. Have a good one. Bye, Margaret. All right. Bye. Goodbye, birds.

Okay. Bye. I'm getting into birds. All right. We've got time for one more, I think. We're going to talk to Justin from Florida. Justin, what's going on, man? Hey, my man. I would just want to say it's an absolute honor to talk to you.

I've been watching you since I was 13 for 27 years since you were on after Jay Leno. Yeah. So I wanted to say that. Well, thank you. And coming. Yeah, man. Thank you very much.

Appreciate it. My story is quick and kind of silly, but my son just started back to eighth grade and his first week of school, I got a call from the vice principal. I was like, oh, man, maybe something happened to him. Maybe he did something, you know, really bad or whatever. And she's like, Justin, your son was in the bathroom, screaming his head off. And I was like, oh, okay. Screaming his head? Did you say screaming his head off?

What if he was like, and it turned out Maria Bamford was in there. Also, he was like, stop, stop, had hands and fingers in his ears. Please, Ms. Bafford, stop. This lethal injection of comedy. Wait, so he's in the bathroom screaming. Screaming, yeah, and disrupting the other classes. And so I asked him when he got home, and he didn't really have a reason for why he was doing it. Oh, yeah.

That's cool. I don't know. I just, like, all right. Well, uh, don't do that. And he says that if it happens again, I'll have to take you to get a chaperone whenever he goes there or something. So I thought that was funny. There's literally no answer. There's no answer.

You have no idea what he was. You know, are you sure? He just says, why, why were you doing that? He could have gonorrhea. He said no reason. Were there other kids in the bathroom? He thought it would be fun. He said he thought it would be fun.

Well, there was a good echo in there. Well, are there other kids in the bathroom? when he's doing this? No. I like that you seed the echo point. Is he there now? Yeah, he's in a room. Can you just hold the phone towards him

and have him scream what he screamed in the bathroom for us? Do you scream what you screamed in the bathroom? They went through to scream what you screamed in the bathroom for them. I was just screaming. I didn't say anything. Oh, I know, but let's, yeah, but come on.

Give it up, come on. Let us hear it. Yeah, scream what you were like you were in the bathroom. They want to hear it. That was it. That was it? just that repeatedly?

He was that repeatedly? He did for a long period. Well, you know, we all blow off stream on different ways. You see, I respect that he's like, I don't do it on demand. Yeah, right. The whole point is that I'm doing my own thing here.

I got a feeling. Yeah, it's got to be unpredictable, mysterious. He's got to be in the flow. Just because some assholes on the radio want to hear it doesn't mean, you know, I'm going to do it for it. All right. He's a huge fan, too. He listens to the channel with me quite often, and he knows that Conan and you are my favorite comedians of all time. Oh, thank you. Well, all right, Justin, thank you. And I'm glad that you and your son can share the madness. That's good.

Yeah, I appreciate you, man. Thanks for bringing so much joy to our lives over the years. Oh, thank you. Get a room. Somebody's jealous. That's right. Uh-oh, Chelsea. Everybody's cheliseless. All right, Jordan. All right, bye, Justin.

All right. Chelsea, at the end, we're going to, we usually pick a favorite of the stories. I don't know. I kind of, Maria Bamford, you know, I like hearing from her manager. Yeah, that was kind of cool. It's always nice when you really get a sense that a manager cares about a client. It's a free, I'm talking to my manager right now. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice to have somebody advocate for their client. Yeah.

instead of just focusing on Nate Bargotsie. You can't really beat that story because it has a two-year time lapse and then this perfect button on it. Oh, absolutely. So I think as a story. Consistency, yeah. Yeah. I mean, we got a guy whose son just merely screamed in a bathroom.

Right, right. And then you compare that to a full-on moth story. It was nice to have a call with a surprise guest star, you know, to have like, you know, the subject in question be there to Shreve. at us. Yeah. I guess we are being kind of inside baseball to choose the Maria Bamford's story. Whatever. Who gives a shit? It's not like she's winning a prize or anything. Yeah, it's true. All right. Well, that's it. That's another Andy Richter call-in show. Thank you all for listening. I'll be back next week with more. Thank you, Chelsea. Thanks for having me. Again, people check out the

Call Chelsea Pretty podcast. Anything else you want to plug? I will just say I was on my best behavior here on this call-in show because on mine, I hang up. on people and play sound effects throughout every call. But please, give a ring, ding, ding, and we'll speak soon. If you're tired of being treated nicely, call, call Chelsea Peretti. All right, everybody, thanks a lot. Talk to you next week.

And you stick around now because stand up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin is next. Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio.