The Three Questions with Andy Richter - D'Arcy Carden: Dating Disaster Stories

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

"The Good Place" star D'Arcy Carden joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your dating disaster stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about secret marriages, third-wheeling dads, stinky dates, and a very special update from a former caller.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Coming to you live from the Sirius XM studios right by the big target on Santa Monica. It's Andy Richter. This is the Andy Richter call-in show. We'll be here for an hour and we are talking dating disasters. It's our first repeat topic but I didn't feel like thinking of anything new and besides it's getting thin. It's like where we're talking about, you know, like, you know, um, sewing stories? So, but if you have a good dating disaster story, we're live so you can call in and get in on this. We're at 855-266-2604. And one of the best things about this show is that I get

to guest host it with people that I love to spend an hour with and they have to come down here because they say they'll do it and then they have to spend an hour with me and Darcy Carden is here today and she has to be here. I am so happy to be here. Thank you. I was just at the target waiting for my call, hoping that you'd call. It's not a bad target.

No, it's not a bad target. It's a good target. Yeah, yeah, it's a very good target. It's not a bad target. No, it's not a bad, it's a good target. Yeah, yeah, it's a very good target. It's a great target. Well, you know, Darcy, it says here on this paper, from the Good Place, A League of Their Own, Berry, Broad City, and much more. The much more-

That's where you really make your money. Exactly, yeah, that's from selling Girl Scout cookies outside of the Target on Santa Monica. And you can listen to her show, which is a really fucking awesome podcast. You're the best. I did this show and it's really fun. And I was like, just the concept of it is so great.

It's called Wiki-hole with Darcy Carden. And it's basically sort of like, it's sort of like a long form improv with internet research. With some trivia in there. Yeah, like you start on one topic and then it just sort of leaps off onto another topic. It's very stream of consciousness.

I never even really thought about that. It is like that sort of A to B to C to, you know, jumping around. Yeah. Yeah, and it's so fun. And actually you were so lovely on that show that you really reinvigorated all of us. You said, you were like,

I think you said something just as simple as like, this is fucking great or something. Oh wait. Yes of course. Yes. You can say fucking all you want. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking.

And the producers got really excited. They were like, Andy Richter said it was great. Andy Richter. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. I forget that some people respect my opinion because Andy Richter. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. That's nice. I forget that some people respect my opinion because I don't. Oh, no.

I don't. I make terrible choices and I'm always mad at myself. No. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm great. No, no, I'm kidding. No, I'm great. No, it is nice to hear.

You know, because it is nice to hear that it's... Yeah. I mean, I'm glad because I really do think it's like a really fun show and you're great in it. And then it was just a really nice time because you do so many different little things. And most of them are pleasant, but it's very rare where we're like, wow, this is really fun. This is fun and really good. I feel the same way about even just doing it. I never don't want to.

It's been fun every single, every 45 episodes or however many we've done. Did they just come to you with the concept? Yeah, yeah. The smartless team. Which I loved, I just, yeah, yeah. I love doing podcasts, but I was a little hesitant about, I don't know.

I think it's as simple as like- Doing them yourself? Yeah, like- Oh, wow. I love doing's as simple as like- Doing them yourself? Yeah, like- Oh, wow. I love doing them, but the idea of, I think I had this fear of, you know, like one million hours of my voice being out there for the rest of time, which I guess it probably is anyway

through being on people's podcasts, but I felt nervous about just like exposing my, I don't know, I don't know. This was sort of the perfect hybrid of like be yourself, but also there's like a game involved. And it's not just me saying like, when I was five, you know. Yeah. You're just a weekly memoir with Darcy Carden.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I kind of feel like once you decide that you're gonna be on mic or in front of people talking, I just like, I unplug from the notion of, well, should I? Like, you know, are like, is this, are people gonna get a note? I'm just like, no, no, I just have to plow forward

and not even really think about it. And I rarely, also I rarely listen to anything I do. Oh, funny. I just rarely do. And I take other people's word for it. And, you know, well, with my podcast of three questions, in the beginning I listened to study. And also just to sort of like give myself notes.

But now I can kind of tell, like that was a good one or that one was okay. And I get enough of me. like that was a moment. Yeah, that was a good one or that one was okay And yeah, and I don't and I get enough of me. Yeah, you know, I mean, yeah, so I'm so much of ourselves I know it's also so humiliating when you're when you are listening back to a podcast and You like chuckle at yourself. Yes, you really hope no one no one God included saw good one Yeah, good one, Andy. High five me. Well, dating disasters. You've been married for a good long time.

I've been married for so long. I really, we talking like, dating disasters, me, I would say I don't have any. I'm not, I don't, do you not? My mom, my wife asked me. You said mom. I know, I almost did. You said mom. I said my mom, I didn't have any. I'm not, I don't, do you not? My mom, my wife asked me. You said mom. I know, I almost did. You said mom.

I said, my mom, my, I didn't say mom, cause I'm, I don't know. I went on dates with my mommy. My mommy, no, my wife asked me if she should ask, or listen to this one. Yeah. She's like, am I gonna, and I was like, I don't really. I know.

I don't really have any. I mean, like the biggest disaster is, that was boring. Right, right, right. Yeah, like, well, okay, bye. I also, like, I didn't really date a lot. I sort of, I sort of monogamied. Or, you know, I was like a relationship girl or I was like making out with people I didn't care about.

I wasn't like dating, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. I mean, that's, I was, you know, I was married for 25 years, got married fairly young, and then I was only single for a couple of years. And yeah, I exist much better in a marriage,

in a relationship. Yeah, being single is fun, but it's not as fun as living with someone that you don't have to worry about being somebody else or checking your, I mean, certainly, you live with someone that you love and you want them to be happy and considerate, but it's like, with my wife, my current wife, you know, the thing was, with my mom, with my wife mom,

the thing I just realized like, oh my God, I don't, I don't try. Yeah, totally. I don't try to be anything. I just go here and she's her and I'm me. That's wonderful. Yeah. I also like, I realized that a thing that I hate is the,

Also, I realized that a thing that I hate is the, like, okay, the first time you see a new hair cutter, or the first time you meet a therapist, or the first time you sit in a makeup chair if you're an actor, these small talk moments, I'm so, they make me a little itchy, and that's what a first date would be. I mean so bad. They make me like they make me a little itchy and that's what a first date would be. I mean yeah yeah so I didn't yeah I just didn't do a lot of first dates. I really didn't. I really didn't. It was more like hanging out hanging out into making out. Yeah yeah. You see I know yeah I just I never

I don't like strangers that much. Yeah. I do remember um I remember I just thinking about it on the way here. I was like what? Think of, I was like Darcy come on date. You went on a date. You've been on a date before. And I was thinking like the in third grade. Oh my god. This cutie little sweet boy. He asked me to go see Twins. The movie Twins. Right. And I was so, I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. I'll go see a movie. Like, I love to see a movie. And I remember, you know, I mean, this is so long ago,

I actually don't remember who alerted me that it was a date. I don't know if it was a friend or my mom or what. But, but. In third grade. I mean, that's way too young. Yeah. Which is why I didn't think it was a date. Right, right.

But it was, but he did, he totally did. And I think my parents came and sat behind us. And also, I didn't want to be on a fucking date with this dude. I wanted to go see a movie, a funny movie with my friend. There was a couple of, that was, you know, being like a, maybe, I don't know, friendly.

I don't know, there was a couple times where all of a sudden I was like, oh, this is a date, shit. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty much all of them with me. Yeah. I was like, oh by the way, this is a date Yeah And we're miles from where anyone can hear you So, you know, how you wanna how you want to play? Yeah Yeah, it is weird with little kids like

Because it like I've always been sensitive to people being like, do you have any girlfriends? You know, do a little kid, because it is like, leave him alone. Just leave that whole area alone. Totally. But there aren't, like, my daughter, my daughter who's gonna be five in just a couple weeks,

it had like this moment, and it's kind of calmed down, but like a year ago, she was so boy crazy. And a particular boy, there was a boy that like, at like the school fun fair, she stood in the bouncy house holding onto like the screen going, where is he? Where is, I don't wanna say his name, but like my, and she was saying, my, like my Jimmy Oh my god. Where is, I don't wanna say his name, but like my. You don't wanna dox him. And she's saying, my, like my Jimmy.

My boy, yeah, yeah. My Jimmy. And I was just like, what the fuck? Totally, and like where did this come from? She's here, she's four. Right, I know, I mean, I guess, where does it come from? Where does it come from? I guess, it, I mean.

Well, there were little fucking mammals that eventually are gonna procreate. And so all that wiring's in there somewhere. And then you watch like some Disney movie where like the princess kisses the prince and you're like, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Okay, where's my Jimmy? The Robin Hood Fox in the Disney thing. Okay, now you're speaking my language. I was totally unaware of that until the internet and then I found out. I'm aware of it, brother. That thing's been turning on girls for years. I remember being like, huh? Why am I feeling this way?

Furry? Yeah, I had a friend that was a smoky bear. Oh, funny, yeah, sure. It was like, damn. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

I guess we better go to the call of the phones, because that's the whole point of this. It is the whole point. I love talking to you. And I'll do it for the rest of my life. If you'll have me. I will. I will.

Again, we're at 855-266-2604. That's memorized, guys. Yep. He memorized that number. Yeah, I can like do like promo videos for Instagram and it just comes right off the top of my head. Wow, that's good because I'm terrible with numbers. That's so impressive. Courtney. Courtney. Courtney

calling from Maine. How are you? Hi nice to talk to you guys. Thanks for taking my call. Sure you got Darcy and Andy here. Yeah I look forward to reliving this with you guys. Yeah that's what I was gonna say. Come on let's's humiliate you for entertainment purposes. We're here with ya, holding your hand. Love that, love that for all of us. So I was dating this guy for quite a while, I'd say several months. You know, we did the whole thing, like we met family, like we hung out,

he was like part of my world, all this stuff, and it was fine, and that's the problem. It was fine, but I was like, mm. So I was like mmm so I was like okay you know I don't want to be that girl I was like let's let's put a pin in this like let's you know cool it you know I don't want to be I don't want to lead you on it's not really like the spark that I'm missing so it's like okay she's like that's fair that's fair and I was like great so then we're broken up for a while and I don't think much of it and I'm like, whatever. And then he calls me out of the blue

and he's like, hey, how are you? And I was like, oh, fine. We had this lovely conversation. I was like, okay, great. So he's like, let's get together. And I was like, well, who knows, it's fine. We'll go as friends, we'll do dinner, it'll be lovely. So we go to dinner, we had a nice time We were there for hours chatting like he was super personable very like lovely and I was like wow

What what was I missing like cheese? So anyway, we end the evening and he says I'd love to see you again and I was like cool cool I'm busy this weekend, but I'll catch up with you soon. So I was like, okay So I go about doing what I'm doing that weekend and then my mom calls and says, have you read the paper? And I said, no, I'm not 80. Why would I read the newspaper? Damn, she was just asking something. Yeah, you're so mean. Yeah, glad. Poor mom. She's well informed. I know, I am a terrible person. No, no. Well, I just assumed it was, you know, the Irish entertainment You know someone had passed away the obituaries right what you know as an Irish Catholic. That's what you read every weekend

Yeah, so she was like no nobody died and I was like, okay great She's like but you'll never guess who's getting married and I said who and she was like George Different names they don't want to be too much of a jerk Yeah, and I was like wait. I'm sorry what and she goes yeah, he's getting married in like two months, and I was like oh That's really weird cuz I just saw him on Friday, and it didn't come up in a three and a half hour conversation That oh by the way, so of course me being me, I immediately called him and I was like, oh hey. He's like, oh hey, you wanna get together?

Like what's going on? I was like, cool, do you wanna invite your fiancee? Oh, did you say that? Yeah. Nice. He was like, well, I didn't know how to tell you. Oh, I do, I do. And I was like. I have like three different ways.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So needless to say, we never hung out again, which is fine. But then Maine being Maine, I've seen him around a few times and it's been moderately awkward and I feel like, oh, so like I've literally done the close the door

really fast on the elevator out of the door because I didn't want him to get into the same elevator with me. I was like, no, thank you. Bye. So yeah. Have you ever, when you've run into him, have you ever run into the new wife? No. No.

No. Never. And I don't, you know, of course I did a little light Facebook talking because who doesn't? Right, of course. You gotta. And like they were like married and kids and I'm like, I don't do a, of course, you gotta. They were married and kids and I'm like, I don't do a lot of math, but I feel like we might have dated

when they were together. That's interesting. Those kids are an interesting age and I was like, well, cool. It seems like that's in his- I really have a great track record. Yeah, yeah. Well, it is amazing too that

there was an announcement in the paper So he wasn't and he's still looking for like a last-minute thing before you know Did it ever get like like did he ever feel emotional? I'm trying to think if he was like going through a thing like if he was trying to Did it okay? First of all did it feel like he was trying to? How do I say have sex with you? Did it- Well, I feel like he, that's weird, right?

I couldn't really get the vibe, and that's why I was like, I don't know what this is all about. Right, yeah. Because it wasn't like all out, like, let's hit it. Right. But it wasn't like, you know, I miss you, I love you, like, what am I doing with my life? Like- Yeah.

But also not purely friendly. Because he was like, let's see each other again It was a weird in between and I was like, I don't know what this vibe is But I'm like, you know, I'll try and give him another chance. You mean who am I like I'm not you know Anything fantastic come on Courtney. Yeah, I just judge the situation right. I'm not an expert on this guy But I will say that he probably did want to have sex with you. I think so. Because he did, he was awake and he made an arrangement to meet up with you and you said yes.

Great point. So it was somewhere in his possible agenda. Yeah. He was like, yeah, that would be fun. That wouldn't be bad. It's like almost, it's almost sweet or something that he didn't cross a line. I mean it's so weird that this happened and I'm not taking that away. Yes. But like he, it's what? It's gently creepy. What did he want? What did he want? No, he wanted a last fling. Yes.

And I think that that's a very, I never did this, but I honestly never did this, but it's a very common thing people get engaged and then it doesn't mean they go and have a tour de faire but they might make out with somebody drunkenly at a party because they know this is it you know the garage door is closing and they're gonna slide underneath it right at the last minute but yeah I think it's a very common thing and that's probably he probably liked you was disappointed that it had ended, and was like, eh, maybe, you know.

He was kind of thinking like maybe, and he was probably also in his mind, was probably thinking, you're gonna go, wait, aren't you getting married? And then he would go, yeah, but do you mind just having a fling? And you would go, no, okay, why not? Yeah, sure, why not?

I mean, there's no big deal between us, but why not? I mean, there's no big deal between us, but why not have have a laugh? It's so funny that he that you had this long Dinner evening together and he never brought it up. I because I'm sure that's kind of bad. I mean, I'm sure you were like What are you up to? Maybe you even know like like what's on the horizon? Yeah What's on the horizon? What's in the paper these days? Yeah. All the things.

We talked about so many random, weird, like, in-depth things, and you would think. But I love that you guys went there because, honestly, that didn't even cross my mind. I am so clueless, and that might be why I'm such a dating disaster. That never crossed my mind that that's what he was looking for. No, that's, I, yeah, that's, you know. Yeah, no, come on, Courtney, don't sell yourself short, huh? Yeah, people are just disgusting filthy animals. Completely oblivious, I never even thought about that.

Well, yeah, it's- Well, now you know. Yeah, and actually, it's Puck Offer's probably still on the table. And now there's a whole new awkwardness for when you bump into him. Yeah, I see through you. Yeah, yeah, I never, like, ugh. I'm gonna have to, like, leave the state Yeah, I see through you. Yeah, yeah. I'm never, like, ugh. I'm gonna have to, like, leave the state now, I think.

Just go to Vermont. I was gonna say, what's next door? Yeah. All right, well, Courtney, thank you so much for the call. Hey, thank you so much, and thanks for broadening my horizons. Thank you. You're welcome. Glad we could help. Wonderful.

All right. Bye, Courtney. All right, next up, Cynthia from Seattle. Darcy Carden's here. Hi, Cynthia. And so am I. That's pretty impressive to have both of you on at the same time. So thank you for that. Thank you for that.

So mine is not, I don't have quite the long history. This was date number two. Okay. Date number one went really well. I don't have quite the long history. This was date number two. Okay. Date number one went really well. Date number two wasn't supposed to be a date,

but he invited himself along to a family gathering, you know, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea to begin with. But we get there. And date number two. Yeah, wait, I don't wanna interrupt already. But did he, did he, okay, so you just said like, oh, I'm hanging out with my family this weekend or something

and he was like, can I join? Exactly. Exactly. He's like, well, he goes, he goes, parents love me. Okay. And I'm like, well, he's not my parent. Well, that's never a good sign. No, no.

And again, in hindsight, there's a lot that, you know, we, you see, yes, of course. Okay. Yeah. And so, you know, I said, I said this is it's a birthday party for The grandmas who are turning 90. So this is not like a you know, it's not gonna be a swinging swinging hangout Yeah, oh my gosh, yes funny but not you know, not a rager right but he was no no, he goes grandparents love me parents love me and He broke he wore me down. Okay, so

We get there. He's gregarious. He's funny. Everybody loves him and he disappears into the house for a little bit we're out on the deck beautiful summer day and he comes back out and He's got wine. I'm like, okay That's not it's not, you know, people drink at parties. And then he goes back to the kitchen, he comes back out and he has more wine back into the kitchen.

With each glass of wine, he gets a little less gregarious and a little bit more obnoxious. Oh boy. And so. Was anybody else at the party drinking? Like is drinking not a common thing in a gathering like this? No, no, no.

Oh, no, no, this family, I'm the exception to the rule is that I'm not a big drinker. OK, so everybody else is. So he said, yeah, he said right in. Right. It was just a personality change that came with it. Yeah, yeah. And so one of the grandmas pulls me aside.

She's like, honey, honey, I think he's drinking too much. You got to tell him to go take a nap. Yeah, I'm like I'll go tell him to take a nap. So he did he was like, oh, you know what? I probably drink too much haven't had anything to eat. So he disappeared came back in an hour and a half two hours Wearing grandma's clothes Not yet, not yet Oh, not yet. Not yet. Oh boy. Oh no. Well, it's not grandma, but grandpa. So he, you know, we have dinner and he's drinking again and we're, you know, he's, we're all seated so it's not as bad, but he offers to help clean the plates and goes back in and he's

gone for about half an hour, which, you know, the house is big, but not that not that big right and he comes back out and he's wearing swim trunks I was just making this I was just cracking wise Jesus okay and you you cracked wise and you hit it on the note okay swim trunk yeah so he comes out and swim trunks don't know who they are is there a body of water are you? Are people swimming? Well, no, there's a hot tub, but there was no hot tub action. Right. Yeah. That was not, again, 90 years old. That's not really what that party was about. They will melt. Yes. Exactly. Read the room. Yeah. And so he comes out, he flings the top of the hot tub off. Okay. Oh God. And he stands on a chair and he goes, cannonball. Nope. And he does a cannonball into the hot tub off. Okay, oh God. And he stands on a chair and he goes, cannonball.

No. And he does a cannonball into the hot tub. Now, were the grandmas sitting at that end of the table? No. Of course they were. They're 90. So now, yes, both grandmas- They're both 90.

They're twins? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, both 90 and now soaking wet. Okay, shit. Oh wow. So yeah, yeah, so we were asked to leave. Oh shockingly enough and So yes, we'll drove drove home and I was like, okay, this was this was nothing just you need to go now

Yeah, I'm too drunk. I can't drive home. I'm like I Can't do that to the to the rest of the world. That's true. Yeah, yeah. He's on my couch. So when you wake up and you're sober, just go. I could do that to the rest of the world. So I wake up the next morning. Get the fuck out, buddy. Exactly, I agree.

I'll take the hit on that one. Yeah, right. And so yeah, so he, you know, I wake up and he's standing over me in my bedroom and he's like, so can you make me some breakfast? Oh, I hate this guy. And I'm like, you know, actually no, but I'm gonna call the police if you don't leave now.

Nice. So, you know, it was just, yeah, but I mean, as far as embarrassing goes, I don't know that, you know, drenching, drenching the 90 year old grandmas, my family has really never let me recover from that. Wow. But yeah, so that was, that was a yeah, so that was a pretty bad second date.

He sucks. Yeah, he really does suck. He sucks, every step of the way he sucks. Like inviting himself to your family gathering, and then, okay, the fact that you said, why don't you go take a nap, and he wasn't like, actually, I'm gonna call a cab and go home. He was like, yeah, I'm gonna take a two hour nap

at this practical stranger. Yeah. I'm gonna go find a bed and fall into it. Oh, this guy's, and he's also an alcoholic. Yeah. Yeah. Did he display any contrition? Was he like, at any like, hey, I'm sorry, I got a little out of hand.

Oh, no. See, there's more to the story, but it takes a slightly darker turn, which I don't think is the mood of your show today. Oh, you can, no. Let's get dark. Let it rip. I live here, so, you know, come on.

OK, all right, all right. So we were supposed to go to a football game on Sunday. The party was Saturday. And I told him, I said, yeah, we're not going nice and he's like but I but that's I've been looking forward to it all week and I'm like we just met on Friday. Yeah. You can't really look forward to things. So I he leaves and I text him and I said hey I'm gonna go with my friend and she's gonna pick me up so don't bother driving back down. He lived about 45 minutes away. So you're going to the game anyway, and you're just gonna use the ticket for someone else

Yeah at this point in time I didn't want to go anywhere because I was just living in my living in my mortification and So I text him and said, you know, I'm going with my friend So if he did come down you see my car which he did. Okay down He John toack outside my window for an hour and a half about, I want the football tickets. I just want to go to the game. Yikes.

And my neighbor comes, he knocks on my door and he's like, what's up with the, the weird guy? And I'm like, here's the situation. The neighbor asks him to leave. He doesn't want to leave. He asked him to leave. He doesn't want to leave. Finally, the neighbor's like, I'm gonna call the cops.

She's not here. You're just yelling at the door. And so he takes the message and leaves. And then he called every two minutes for the next seven hours. And just leaving little messages messages I want the football tickets I want the game is now long since gone um so yeah so my brother who is six nine and rather imposing had to get on the phone

and basically just be like I'm six nine believe me yeah yeah you're done and we're not if you call again and And so you know, so yeah, it was it was embarrassing. And then it was a little weird. And then it was a little scary. And you know, and then wrapped into one little I'm not. I bet you went I mean, it sounds like you were embarrassed because you're kind of like, how did I? How did I like what did I see in this guy? When you kind of read it so wrong? Read somebody's personality. Yeah, my friends know I have a very low EQ.

I don't really read people well. But this was like to another level even for me. And I'm gonna say it put me off dating for, I'm not quite sure, several years. Because I'm like, if I can be that wrong, the next one could turn out to be somebody who's gonna show up in a newspaper, not because he got married,

but because he- Because he got married and then killed his wife, yeah. Well, the guy, he was just a football fan, that's all. I know. He just really loves football. Yes, that's true. This is actually on YouTube. Jesus Christ.

Was it like a sea- Yeah, the Seahawks were good, but not that good. I was gonna say a Seahawks game, wow. That's crazy. Your poor twin grandmas. Yes, your poor grandmas. Well, Cynthia, I'm glad you've recovered. Yeah, let that go.

Yeah, oh yeah, yeah. You move on, move on, we're done with him. Right, 100%, 100%. Go to whatever sporting event you want. Yeah. Yeah, feel free. Oh. Yeah. No, it's it's Fortunately, I don't have I you know live in a big enough state that I don't have to see him. Yeah, regular And this was a while ago. This was like a couple years ago. Yeah, it was a couple years ago Yeah, he may not be with us anymore

He may not may not in Washington working for Doge He may not. He may not. He may not. He may not. He may be in Washington working for Doge. Oh, well, if somebody who gets NIH money, I'm a little, uh, a little fady. A little fady, Sandy. I know. All right, well, Cynthia, thank you so much for calling and sharing that with us. You bet. Nice to meet you, Cynthia. All right, thanks so much. All right, we're talking dating disasters, me and Darcy Cardin. It's the Andy Richter Callen show. Give us a call if you've got one, 855-266-2604. Jeanette from Oakland. There's a lot of bad dates in Oakland, I think. Yeah. You know, the Bay Area is known for bad dates. That's right.

Yeah. Maybe that's why I never dated. I'm from the Bay Area. Yeah, that's right. Hello, my Bay Area queen. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Hello, my Bay Area queen. Hello. It's nice to speak with you both. Thanks for taking my call. You're welcome.

This is actually from Sacramento. Oh, even worse. Bad date happened, yeah. And in 1990, and it was a first date between myself and a guy that I had gone to high school with that we had recently reacquainted ourselves during our five-year high school reunion. So that kind of gives you an idea. And this was in after our dinner and we were going to a dance club and it was kind of in a not the greatest area but it's an area where

there was a lot of shopping in a big shopping mall and so we parked in the back of this this dance club and we were sitting and chatting and it was a summer evening so we had the windows down in his his truck and then suddenly a car pulled up behind us and a guy came to the window and with a gun pointed in our face and says give me your money and just like in on movies that you see we just went what? Is this a joke? You expect something coming up to you to say what time is it or do you know where this is something. And so he said it again and shook the gun

and so we knew, oh right, so I reached into my purse, $25 and I remember just looking at the $25 as it was passing across the window to hand it to him and he grabbed it. And my date was still trying to fish the wallet out of his pocket. So the guy looked at the $25. I guess that was sufficient for his needs.

That meeting. That's 1990, different inflation. Yeah. Yeah, it was too cheap, I guess. He hit my date on the head with the end of the gun, which was unfortunate. And he kind of fell forward. He left, the car just took off, and so we were just sitting there in utter shock, and he kind of shook his head and said, yeah, we've got to call the police.

Of course, we don't have cell phones because it's 1990 remember so we drove around to the front of the club and there were you know just kind of some security guard guys and so they called the police for us and I it didn't seem like that part went on very long I don't know that they were necessarily all that interested in in our in our situation but we did spend the rest of the day in the emergency room so that my date could get his head checked out. But to finish the story, the next day I called this guy to see how he was feeling and he said he had a terrible headache, but he was going to be okay.

And he offered me $12.50. So that was... Did he really? Did he really? He really did offer me $12.50. He wanted to go Dutch. but he was gonna be okay and he offered me 1250 so that Did he really did he really He wanted to go Dutch on the date. Go Dutch on the head wound. That's very cool. Very cool a modern man in 1990 Did you guys date ever did you ever date again? We we did go out I think one or two other times, but yeah, it didn't really work out. I think it was a trauma bond, trauma bonded for a couple of days.

Yeah, yeah. And then you realize actually. Constantly looking over your shoulder. Yes. I've talked about similar situations on this show when I have been around like a crime situation, like a shooting, you know, like around a shooting. And I just know I'm dead.

I know. If the shit ever really goes down, I'm dead because I just go hey Garsh You know what? Yeah, hey look at that feller's got a gun you know and I did there's no sort of reflect You know cat like reflexes where I dive behind something. It's such a bummer when you find that out about yourself Yeah, you go like oh, yeah, okay, so in a bad situation, I will be gone. Years and years ago, this is the only time I ever did paintball.

We did it as a remote bit for the Conan show and there was a bunch of us went out and we did this paint, we did it twice. I was dead within like a minute each time. Right. And I just, you know, like you think in your mind, like, you know, like, well in your mind, like, you know, like, well, given it put in a situation, so many movies are like fish out of water, find

themselves in a dangerous situation and rises to the occasion. I just know, no, I would just be a dead fish. Yes. In water. Yeah. Dead fish. So yeah, I don't, I, if I'm, you know, well, I shouldn't put this out there. Somebody's going to be like, well, we should rob him. That's true. He's gonna be an easy mark. Yeah, see, that guy robbed him. Yeah, he's gonna say garsh. He will not react.

Yeah, yeah. Look, Jeanette, thank you. Thanks for listening. I'm glad we got a little entertainment out of my trauma. Your trauma. All right. And yeah, and that $25 is worth, you know, a lot more now.

Yeah. That's so, you know. All right, next up, we've got Keon from Houston, Texas. Hi, I'm from Austin. Austin, Houston. In LA we pronounce it Houston. Yes. In New York they pronounce it Houston. And then I guess in Texas you pronounce it Austin. Austin. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Thank you for taking my call. Oh, you're welcome. So I matched with a woman on Bumble. Yes.

And this was the last year, a very attractive woman, and we started chatting on Bumble. This last week for about a couple of weeks, just going back and forth, getting to know each other. She was very funny, very intelligent. We seemed to have a lot in common and I kind of felt like maybe this is too good to be true. I wasn't entirely sure because you never really know how the actual meeting is going to go. So we planned to meet at a bar to have a drink and I show up there at the bar and I get her a glass of Malbec, which is what she requested.

And I sit down and I wait. She says she's going to walk in with a yellow dress. And I was like, okay, wonderful. I waited and a few minutes go by and she doesn't show up. And I'm recalling on her profile, it said, the first line said, not a bot. I'm like, oh no, is this so like, am I getting catfish? What's going on here? And just as I'm thinking that a

beautiful woman walks in in a yellow dress and that's her and I'm like, oh my god, so I go up to her, I grab her by the hand, I take her to the table and I think it's so great to meet you, I'm so glad we get to hang out tonight. How's your day going? And she picks her phone out and starts typing into it and I'm standing there watching her and waiting and She points her phone at me and it's Google Translate. Okay, and it's Portuguese to English and It says I don't speak any English So we're gonna have to communicate through Google

Gosh Like wait a minute and I so I grabbed my phone and I start typing in What about everything you were writing? writing oh that was AI I was using at GPT to talk to you I said well you know I'm typing this should be something you should have maybe told me and her she gets embarrassed and she's very very quiet and I'm very uncomfortable at this point because obviously there's no expecting someone to not speak in English, especially after our exchange. And so we're sitting there and I'm just sort of

quietly drinking my wine. I'm thinking to myself, okay, I'll just be polite, finish this wine, call her an Uber, and we'll go our separate ways. A few minutes later, she reaches across the table and the only English that she spoke the entire night she grabs my hand and she says I want you to I want to have your baby I was like I thought no no no what what are you talking about? That is the first thing they teach on Duolingo that's the first phrase you learn. I asked her I was incredulous I just like shook my head and I started laughing and then she said it again. I want to have your vaginas and I was just like, this is, this is crazy. Okay. And I just typed in, Oh, this is obviously not

working out, you know, who you said you were and I'm going to call you an Uber. And she got very upset and quiet and just sat there and I finished my drink and that was basically the end of it but Unexpected this Wow, yeah, you should have just given her Actually, come on Come on. We are married now. Oh, God.

Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. She was probably ovulating. Women are crazy when they're ovulating. They are nuts. Oh, God. Tell me about it.

I got eggs burning a hole in me, buddy. They're scrambling. I wonder how long that could last. If you decided in the moment, babies know, I mean, babies aside, just as far as the language barrier, how, I mean, I guess people do that. People, you can, I don't know, you can, I mean, it is kind of amazing Google Translate

would help somebody, you know. Absolutely. Yeah, no, I mean, God bless the modern age, because you could, I mean, it's very awkward. You could go back and forth that way, I guess. It's kinda cool, it's just weird that she didn't mention it. And then you kinda go, if that, then what else is she hiding?

Right, and also, I want to have your babies. There's horny, and then there's like, I want a lifetime commitment. Yes, we just met. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe she was, maybe she was a bot. Oh my god. I would make a robot.

Yes, maybe she was a robot. Wow. Wow. A Portuguese robot. A breeder bot. I think, you know, you made the right decision. Yeah, you dodged a bullet. Yeah.

Because that does, that all adds up. I don't know what the word in Portuguese for crazy is but that's pretty cuckoo. That's a little cuckoo. Yeah yeah. Yeah. All right well Keon thanks for the call. Thank you. And enjoy Austin not Houston.

Not Houston. Austin's a lot easier to enjoy than Houston. No offense Houston. Or Houston. Bye Keon. All right next up on the Andy Richter Collins show at 855-266-2604 talking dating disasters. Amanda from Brooklyn has a dating disaster. Hi, Amanda.

Hi. Hi. You, indeed. Thanks for taking my call. Oh, you're welcome. So this is about 20 years ago in the nascent era of match.com. Okay. And I met this guy, I met, so this is, this is an online date from, you know, from the very early days of it. Right. And I met this guy at a wine bar that's no longer there, but it's not my fault. And now that's a bad thing. And I was,

we agreed to meet at this wine bar and I thought it was actually early and he was already waiting for me and he sat in the hands down worst part of the bar, there was actually an end of a bar where it turns into sort of a table where you sit with other people across from you instead of just a bar and he chose to sit there for some reason and of course inevitably other people total strangers were sitting across from us on a first date and He's he is talking he's talking he's talking and Talking and these people butt into what wasn't really a conversation and said, okay we know your name is Daniel, but I'm sorry,

what's your name? Amanda. Oh, have you asked Amanda if she's ever been to Thailand for incidental surgery? Has she? I mean, like he was just telling these insane stories and not letting me get a word in edgewise and it was so bad that these other people were asking the date questions. Wow. They just butt in. They weren't a part of the conversation. They were your date reps.

They weren't a part of the conversation at all. Wow. They just saw what a train wreck this't a part of the conversation at all. Wow. They just saw what a train wreck this was and just decided to have fun with it. And so they were asking me all the questions that he should have been asking. And how did he take it? And allowing me to speak not very well at all. He kept interrupting. Well, it sounds like you're dull.

Sounds like your storytelling skills need some sharpening. Because he was spinning some yarns. Did you go home with the other two people make a night of it yeah yeah well it's kind of an epilogue there so the oh he also smelled like he'd been dead for days not days that's a problem those were okay but he smelled so so so bad you know going to Thailand for emergency dental surgery he might have needed to go home and watch ER and I don't want to hear any more about your medical escapades.

And the couple across from us clapped. Wow. And I came back to the bar a few days later, because I was a regular there and these people were there and they bought me around. Oh nice. And did you go home with them that night? Darcy.

Sorry, I just want you to have a threesome with this really nice couple. And it's actually fucked up that you didn't. Yeah. Seriously. Way to go Amanda. You know last opportunity. No time like the present huh?

Yeah, there really should be some sort of public service. Public service campaign, like if you smell bad, at least don't talk too much. Yes, totally. You can be one or the other. Oh, god. Smell bad on a date is hell. Is the worst.

I would rather he, if it was one or the other, if it was that he talked too much and didn't let me speak or that he smelled bad, I would take talk too much. Yes. I don't think men fully understand how important your smell is. It kind of is like the whole thing. It's hugely important.

And it can, you know, put the kibosh on Prince Charming. Totally, it's like science. Yeah, yeah. The other person's body says, no, this person's been dead for a couple days. Oh. Well, you won that one, Amanda. You did.

You know? I like to think so. Yeah. And you got to go home to Noah Wiley's open arms. Right. And you also, you had an audience. You won over an audience that you didn't even know was there. They clapped for you.

Wow. 20 years ago. Exactly. George Clooney. What a hero. Julianna Margulies. I don't know. Anthony Edwards? I never watched ER. Oh, God. Youies, I don't know I never watched ER. Oh God you gotta watch ER.

I never watched ER. Start from the beginning. I don't like hospital stuff. I like cop stuff. There's not enough murders in the hospital stuff. There's a pretty good murder. Amanda isn't there a really good murder in ER? Do you remember that murder? Oh David Krumholz and oh David Krumholz got murdered? No he does the murder. Krumholz and... Oh, David Krumholz got murdered? No, he does the murdering. Krumholz would be an awesome murderer. He absolutely kills. He would be on my short list of people I wish would murder me. Yeah, me too.

I love Krumholz. Love that dude. He's fantastic. Love you, Krumholz. Love you, Krumholz. Should we do another podcast that's just an ER watch? That's just a Krumholz, a Krumholz watch. It could be called an ER, wait, ERRE watch.

An ERRE watch. Okay, wait, wait, actually delete that because I want to save that for me. Okay, yeah, yeah, wait, ERRE watch. An ER rewatch. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Actually delete that, because I want to save that for me. Okay, yeah, yeah, don't anyone steal that. Don't anyone steal that. Hi, Amanda. All right. All right, Amanda.

I am a company, our watch is amazing. We'll get your number. All right, thank you, Amanda. All right. Thank you. Bye-bye. Let's see. Oh, wait, I'm getting something. Justin from Georgia. Oh, Justin, you called in before when Carrie O'Donnell was topic and we gave you advice about becoming a father. Which I don't know what the fuck Kerry O'Donnell will tell you about being a father.

What does he know about being a damn father? Yeah, I mean he's got a dog. Okay, he probably has a father. So anyway, Justin, hello again. Hey, Andy, how are you? And hello to you as well, Darcy. Hello, Justin. So, are you a father yet?

No. So when I called, we were at six weeks and I was just kind of freaking out and gave you a call and we're 28 weeks now. So we still got some time, but things are moving along and I really just wanted to call and say thanks to you, Andy, for giving me that time to just sort of get that anxious energy out. The advice that you gave me at the time was to start being happy. I was too focused on the anxiety and the fear and just hearing that really gave me a mental

shift and I went from being way too anxious to realizing that yeah, no, it's going to be a great experience and I needed to start focusing on what needs to happen for my wife and that's what I've been doing. And ultimately what needs to happen for our baby and we're gonna have a little girl. So that's been really fun and exciting. Girls are the best. You can name her Richter.

Please don't name her Richter. We already have a name picked out. You don't have to tell us. If I were you, I wouldn't tell people. You don't want to, if you pick out a name, keep it to yourself because you get all kinds of opinions that you don't need. Even without people meaning to, they just do it.

No, they can't. Yeah, yeah. You can just tell me, just tell me. No, don't tell me. Very true. You know, it's funny, because after that conversation, I did, I had something that I thought of that I was like I wish I had thought of because, you know, I'm a father and I think about it a lot.

And one of the things that I was trying to say that I didn't exactly put into words very well at that point was because you were sort of, you know, you were so anxious and you weren't sure if you were up for it. And I was, what I wanted to say was that, you know, most people, they're like sort of, you hear about like the most sort of heroic levels of human existence and people, you know, the way that people live an important life

and it's when they give themselves up to a cause of some kind and there's no better cause than that little girl that's coming your way. So it's like you already have, like you have a campaign that you're setting out on and it's gonna be the most important one you do. I mean, unless you get like an album contract

or a three picture deal. But I mean, no, but it's, I mean, it is, it's, having kids is great because you do kind of get to, you get to surrender yourself to something more important. I love that. Yeah, no, I think that's a great perspective to put it into and I'm already doing things obviously to prepare for her and do things for her.

Like for example, I ended up needing to have shoulder surgery back in November and at the time they're like, oh maybe we could just try physical therapy and that'll do it. And I just looked at the doctor and I said, do you really think that or do we just need to go ahead and get this done? And they said, yeah, let's get it done. I was like, cool, I got a kid on the way. Yeah, yeah. That's what's important. And so it's things like that. And then one last thing is that, speaking of a campaign and that sort of thing, our theme for the nursery picked out by my wife

is going to be the Shire from Lord of the Rings. And so I think it's very fitting that you said that we're having a campaign. So yeah, no, really exciting stuff. Love it. Great. Well, Justin, that's great. And thank you for calling back and letting us know. Congrats, Justin.

You're gonna be great, dad. Yes. Thank you both. See, I'm not always wrong. No, that was, you were really right. That was so nice. That was nice. Yeah. It was nice. Good advice. That was completely made up.

No, it was real. The whole thing was fake. All fake. That was my brother. He's reading a script. He's reading a script that I wrote for him. And if he didn't get it right, I would kill him. All right, next up. I think we got time for at least another one. Here we go. Steve from San Francisco. Hi Steve. Hello Steve from San Francisco.

Hi Andy and Darcy. Thanks for taking my call. Oh, you're welcome. Thanks for calling. Yeah. Sure, and Darcy just want to taking my call. Oh, you're welcome. Thanks for calling. Yeah. Sure, and Darcy, just want to say, my daughters are huge, huge fans of you. They absolutely love you. Oh, hell yeah. That rules.

Tell your daughters I say hi. I will. I'm, I guess I can't claim San Francisco, but I'm a Bay Area girl too, so, you know. What town are you from? I grew up in a town called Danville. Okay. But, you know, my grandma was born in San Francisco.

Yeah. Yeah, there you go, close called Danville. Okay. But, you know, my grandma was born in San Francisco. Yeah. Yeah, there you go, close enough. So, I had a blind date where I ended up kind of bringing my dad along. Oh boy. Oh brother. Oh boy. What the hell did you do?

Well, I had recently moved to San Francisco and signed up with an online dating app. My dad and me.com? No, no, no. Date my dad. I messed up with this girl and we agreed to meet for a coffee in the inner sunset, but I forgot that my dad was coming that weekend. He was in town for a convention.

And he's, you got to understand, he's a you got to understand he's the kind of guy he's he's of german extraction and he he has uh he has sort of the delivery of arnold schwarzenegger without the charm and breadth of acting skills right so he's he's not a he's not a man of many words so anyway what are your designs for my son? Yeah. Yeah. I was basically, do you want to have his baby? That would have been fun. He, for some reason I decided to bring him along. And so we went out. Yeah. I'm curious about that too. Did you give her a heads up? No. I did not. Very surprised. Okay.

I found out that my father was joining us. Okay. And this was a first date, Steve? Really a first date. This was the first. Okay, and this was a first date really a first date This was a first. Yeah, we've never met before it was like we had exchanged emails and stuff and like, okay, let's get together Hey, oh you brought your dad and he's sitting there between us sort of glowering and And she's trying to engage him in conversation. So are you in town for for work? Yeah What do you do? Yeah, I work in a golf club. Oh, okay. Where are you from? Chicago. That was it. All one word answer. And it was just so incredibly awkward. We were just, it was a horrible first

day that she agreed to never meet again. And years afterwards, my dad would say, every time I did something stupid, he'd bring this up and he'd just go, what the hell were you thinking? And that was just on and on. I kind of agree with your dad. I do, but you know what? But come on, dad, you should have said,

wait, you're going on a date? No, look, just, you go to the place. And even he could have just gone and walked around a little bit or something. Especially if he wasn't going to be. I mean, maybe it was, it sounds like it was his personality to be sort of like one word answer type of guy. This wasn't out of character for him.

Right. Right. So yeah, I mean, I'm also trying to picture you, you know, you're like, you're going on a first date with this girl and you're like, oh shit, my dad's coming. No, no, like this actually tells me so much about you and I think you're like a problem solver

and it's actually really sweet. Yeah, yeah. That you're like, this will be fine. This will actually be really fine. Right, right, right. And then, and then. That would have been a nice way to see it. In the moment, you're like, ah shit, I made a mistake.

Would there have been fallout? Would there have been fallout if you hadn't Like is your dad somebody that needs the attention? No And what if you would have been yeah, if you would said you would have been happy to just be parked somewhere else Okay, Steve. This is on you pick them up in an hour. You fucked up Yeah, me trying to do too many things at once Yeah, I was kind of hoping that that maybe this end of the story would be that she fell for your dad.

Oh, that would've been beautiful. Yeah, because that stoic sort of Teutonic, you know, like man's man. Yeah, that's what she was really hoping for. Yeah. Because you're the super jolly, eager guy. Yeah. Oh, and it's my dad.

You don't mind, do you? No, it was this, it was pretty awful. Was this like a drinks date, a coffee date or a sunset meal date? Yeah, no, it's just a coffee date. Okay You could have just parked your dad across the cafe. Yeah, that's true I know just go sit over there and don't look at it. I'm sorry 2020, right? Yeah But I actually think it is very sweet there's something about it that's really endearing. Yeah Yeah, has your dad Has your dad been, like, have people that you've had longer relationships with, have they enjoyed your father's company?

Or is he always a deal breaker? Eventually. Oh, okay. No, eventually. Actually, I'm happily married now and luckily... Yay! Oh, good. Luckily, my wife didn't meet my dad until she had too much invested in the relationship. She's like, well, I guess this is what it is.

You always want to save the Germans until they're in too deep. Hold back on the Germans. My siblings and I would tell her about him and she's like, come on, it can't be like that. And she wouldn't believe us. Is that your wife? Is that your wife right now? Yep. She wouldn't believe it. Hi to your wife? Is that your wife right now? Oh my God. Yep. She wouldn't believe it. Hi to your wife. I hear her in the background.

Yeah, hi there. Oh yeah, yeah, she's cackling in the background. Yeah. All right. All right, well Steve, thank you so much for the call. And say hi to your two daughters for me. My pleasure. Thank you, you guys.

And say hi to your dad. Yeah. She, you know. I sure will. Say shoos to your dad. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Okay, bye-bye.

Great, thank you very much. All right, well that's the Andy Richter Collins show, Say shoest to your dad. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Great. Thank you very much. Bye-bye. All right. Well, that's the Andy Richter Collins show, Darcy Carden. I love it. We pick a favorite now. I think, well, you go first.

Ladies first. You pick who you think. Is the criteria that it was the best, worst? Just your favorite. I did really like the wine bar in Brooklyn. The neighbor, you know, the- Yes. That was a good one too.

Amanda, you know, the guy was talking too much and then the couple that she didn't have a threesome with stuck up for her. Yeah, that cold fish didn't have a threesome with him. I personally, I will never get past the, just the visual of Cannonball into the hot tub. Oh my God, of course. And then soaked grannies. And I know they weren't twins, but I just picture them as absolutely identical.

Oh! That's my favorite right there. No, that's the best worst. That is the worst, that is the worst. And also we kind of glossed over this, but at the end he said, can you make me breakfast? What a piece of shit. Breakfast and wants the football tickets. Jesus Christ. That guy is going places.

Straight to hell. Alright. Is there anything besides Wiki-hole with Darcy Carden that you want to plug? I got some things coming out, but I don't even think I can talk about them yet. She can't talk about them. I'll come on tomorrow. I'll come on next week and talk about them. Next week, yes, yes.

Come back. Sunny Nights, Sunny Nights with Will Forte sometime soon. OK. A TV show coming up. OK, great. And thank all of you for listening. We'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter Collin Show.

Bye, bye. Thanks for having me, Andy. Bye. Thank you, Darcy. Andy Richter call-in show bye bye! Thanks for having me Andy! Bye! Thank you.