The Three Questions with Andy Richter - D'Arcy Carden: Dating Disaster Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: July 10, 2026

The Andy Richter Call-In Show is back LIVE this upcoming Wednesday with special guest Jon Lovett talking ROAD TRIP STORIES! Today, we're looking back at one of our favorite episodes - DATING DISASTER STORIES with "The Good Place" and "The Five-Star Weekend" star D'Arcy Carden! Callers share stories about secret marriages, third-wheeling dads, stinky dates, and a very special update from a former caller. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Coming to you live from the Sirius XM Studios, right by the Big Target on Santa Monica. It's Andy Richter. This is the Andy Richter call-in show. We'll be here for an hour, and we are talking dating disasters. It's our first repeat topic. But I didn't feel like thinking of anything new. And besides, it's getting thin. It's like where we're talking about, you know, like,

You know, sewing stories. So, but if you have a good dating disaster story, we're live so you can call in and get in on this. We're at 855-266-2-604. And one of the best things about this show is that I get to guest host it with with people that I love to spend an hour with. And they have to come down here because they say they'll do it. And then they have to spend an hour with me. And Darcy Cardin's here today, and she has to be here. I'm so happy to be here.

Thank you. I was just at the target, waiting for my call, hoping that you'd call. It's not a bad target. No, it's not a bad target. It's a good target. Yeah, yeah. It's a very good target. It's a great target.

Mm-hmm. Well, you know, Darcy, it says here on this paper, from the Good Place, a league of their own, Barry, Broad City, and much more. The much more. That's where you really make your money. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, that's from, you know, selling Girl Scout cookies outside of the Target on Santa Monica. and you can listen to her show, which is a really fucking awesome podcast.

You're the best. I did this show and it's really fun and I was like, just the concept of it is so great. It's called Wikihole with Darcy Cardin. And it's basically sort of like, it's sort of like a long form improv with internet research. With some trivia in there. Like you start on one topic and then it just sort of leaps off onto another topic. It's very stream of consciousness. I thought about that.

It is like that sort of A to B to C to, you know, jumping around. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so fun. And actually, you were so lovely on that show that you really reinvigorated all of us. You said, you were like, I think you said something just as simple as like, this is fucking great or something. Yeah, yeah. Yes, you can say fucking all you want.

Fucking fucking. Fucking fucking. Fuck, fuck. And the producers got really excited. They were like, Andy Richter said it was great. Andy Richter. Oh, that's nice. That's nice.

I forget that some people respect my opinion because I don't. Oh, no. And I don't. I make terrible choices and I'm always mad at myself. No. No, I'm just kidding. No, I'm great. No, I'm great.

No, it is nice to hear. You know, because it is nice to hear that it's, I mean, I'm glad because I really do, I really do think it's like a really fun show and you're great in it. And then it was just, it was just a really nice time because, you know, you do so many different little things. And they're most of. them are pleasant but it's very rare we're like wow this is really fun yeah this is fun and really good you know i feel the same way about even just doing it i never i never don't want to it's yeah yeah it's been fun every single every 45 episodes or how many we've done did they just come to you with

the concept yeah yeah yeah yeah the smartless team yeah um which i loved i just yeah yeah i love doing podcast but i was a little um hesitant about i don't know um i think it's as simple as like doing one yourself Yeah, like, I love doing them, but the idea of, I think I had this fear of, you know, like one million hours of my voice being out there for the rest of time. Yeah. Which I guess it probably is anyway through being on people's podcasts, but I felt nervous about just like exposing my, I don't know, I don't know. This was sort of the perfect hybrid of like, be yourself, but also there's like a game involved. And it's not just me saying like, when I was five, you know. Yeah.

You're just a weekly memoir with Darcy Cardi. Yeah. Yeah, no, I kind of feel like once you decide that you're going to be on mic or in front of people talking, I just like, I unplug from the notion of, well, should I? Right. You know, are like, are people going to get a no? I'm just like, no, no, I just have to plow forward and not even really think about it. And I rarely, also, I rarely listen to anything I do. Oh, funny.

I just rarely do. And I take other people's word for it. And, you know, well, with my podcast of three questions, in the beginning, I listened to study. Yeah. Oh, right. What's working. Yeah. Yeah.

And also just to sort of like give myself notes. Yeah. But now I just, like now I can kind of tell. In the moment. Yeah. Like that was a good one or that one was okay. Yeah. And I don't, and I get enough of me.

That's right. You know what I mean? That's right. Yeah. So I don't. So I don't. So much of ourselves. Yeah.

I know. It's also so humiliating when you are listening back to a podcast and you like chuckle at yourself. Yes. You really hope no one, no one God included saw. Good one. Good one, Andy. High five me. Well, dating disasters. You've been married for a good long time. I've been married for so long. I really, we're talking like dating disasters, me. I would say I don't have any. I don't, do you not? My wife asked me.

You said mom. I know, I almost did. You said mom. I said mom, ma, ma, I didn't say mom because I'm, I went on dates with my mommy. I'm my mommy. No, my wife asked me if she should ask or listen to this one. She's like, am I going to? And I was like, I don't really.

I know. I don't really have any. I mean, like the biggest disaster is that was boring. Right, right, right. Like, well, okay, bye. I also, like, I didn't really date a lot. I sort of, I sort of. monogamied.

You know, I was like a relationship girl or I was like making out with people I didn't care about. I wasn't like dating. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, no, I know what you mean. Yeah. I mean, that's, I was, you know, I was married for 25 years.

Yeah. Got married fairly young. And then I was only single for a couple of years. And yeah, I exist much better in a marriage and a relationship. Partnership. Totally. Yeah. Being single is fun, but it's not as fun. as living with someone that you don't have to worry about being somebody else or, you know, like checking your, I mean, certainly you live with someone that you love and you want them to be happy and considerate. But it's like, but like I just, with my wife, I just, my current wife.

You know, the thing was my mom, with my mom, with my wife mom. the thing I just realized like oh my god I don't I don't try yeah totally I don't try to be anything I just go here and she's her and I'm me that's wonderful yeah I also like I realize that a thing that I hate is the um like the okay the first time you see a new hair haircuter or the first time you meet a therapist or the first time you like sit in a makeup chair if you're an actor or the first these like small talk moments. I'm so bad. They make me like, they make me a little itchy.

And that's what a first date would be. I mean, yeah, yeah. So I didn't, yeah, I just didn't do a lot of first dates. I really didn't. I really didn't. It was more like hanging out, hanging out into making out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, see, I know, yeah, I just, I never,

I don't like strangers that much. Yeah, you know what I mean? So it's, yeah. I do remember, I remember, I just thinking about it on the way here. I was like, what think of? I was like, Darcy, come on, date. You went on a date. You've been on a date before.

And I was thinking, like, in third grade. Oh, my God. This cuty little sweet boy. He asked me to go see twins, the movie Twins. Right. And I was so, I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. I'll go see a movie. Like, I love to see a movie.

And I remember, you know, I mean, this is so long ago. I actually don't remember who. alerted me that it was a date. I don't know if it was a friend or my mom or what, but in third grade. I mean, that's way too young. Which is why I didn't think it was a date. Right, right. But it was, but he did. He totally did. And I think my parents came and sat behind us. And also, I didn't want to be on a fucking date with this dude. Right. I wanted to go see a movie, a funny movie with my friend. Right. Yeah. There was a couple of, that was, you know, being like a, um, maybe, I don't know,

friendly. I don't know. There's a couple times where all of a sudden I was like, oh, this is a date. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty much all of them with me. Yeah. I was like, oh, by the way, this is a date. Yeah. And we're miles from where anyone can hear you. So, you know, it's how you want to play it.

Yeah. How you want to play it? Yeah. It is weird with little kids like, because I've always been sensitive to people being like, do you have any girlfriends? You know, do a little kid. Because it is like, leave him alone. Totally.

Just leave that whole area alone. Totally. But there aren't, like, my daughter. my daughter who's going to be five in just a couple weeks, it had like this moment. And it's kind of calmed down. But like a year ago, she was so boy crazy. Interesting.

And a particular boy, there was a boy that like at like the school fun fair. Yeah. She stood in the bouncy house holding on to like the screen going, where is he? Oh my God. And I don't want to say his name, but like my. You don't want to dox him. my, like my Jimmy, my Jimmy.

And I was just like, what the fuck? Totally. And like, where did this come from? She's four. Right. I know. I mean, I guess, where does it come from? Where does it come from? I guess it, I mean. There were little fucking mammals that eventually are going to procreate. And so all that wiring is in there somewhere. And then you watch like some Disney movie where like the princess kisses the prince and you're like, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Where's my Jimmy? The Robin Hood Fox And the Disney thing Okay, now you're speaking my language I was totally unaware of that

I'm aware of it, brother That thing's been turning on girls for years I remember being like, huh? Why am I feeling this way? Hurry? Yeah, I had a friend that was Smokey Bear Oh, yeah, sure. Oh, funny, yeah, sure.

It was like, damn. Yeah, totally, yeah. Yeah. All right, I guess we better go to the call The phones, because that's the whole point of this. It is the whole point. I love talking to you. And I'll do it for the rest of my life.

If you'll have me. I will. I will. Again, we're at 855-266-2. 2. That's memorized, guys. Yep. He memorized that number.

Yeah, I can do promo videos for Instagram and it just comes right out of the top of my. Wow, that's so impressive. It's good because I'm terrible with numbers. That's so impressive. Courtney. Courtney. Courtney calling from Maine. How are you?

Hi. Hi. Nice to talk to you. guys, thanks for taking my call. Sure. You got Darcy and Andy here. Yeah, I look forward to reliving this with you. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Come on, let's humiliate you for entertainment purposes. Yeah, we're here with you. Holding your hand. Love that. Love that for all of us. So I was dating this guy for quite a while. Like, I'd say several months. You know, we did the whole thing. Like, we met family. Like, we hung out. He was like part of my world,

all this stuff. And it was fine. And, and that's the problem. It was fine, but I was like, mm. So I was like, okay, you know, I don't want to be that girl. I was like, let's put a pin in this. Like, let's, you know, cool it. You know, I don't want to be, I don't want to lead you on. It's not really like the spark

that I'm missing. So I was like, okay. So he's like, that's fair, that's fair. And I was like, great. So then we're broken up for a while and I, you know, don't think much of it. And I'm like, whatever. And then he calls me out of the blue and he's like, hey, how are you? And I was like, oh, fine. We had this lovely

conversation. I was like, okay, great. So he's like, let's get together. And I was like, well, you know, who knows? It's fine. We'll go as friends. We'll do dinner. It'll be lovely. So we go to dinner. We had a nice time. We were there for hours, chatting. Like, he was super personable, very, like, lovely. And I was like, wow, what, what was I missing? Like, geez. So anyway, we end the evening and he says, I'd love to see you again. And I was like, cool, cool, I'm busy this weekend. But I'll catch up with you soon. So I was like, okay. So I go about, doing what I'm doing that weekend. And then my mom calls and says, have you read the paper?

And I said, no, I'm not 80. Why would I read the newspaper? Damn, she was just asking. Yeah, you're so mean. Yeah, gosh out. Come on. She's well informed. I know.

I am a terrible person. No, no. Well, I just assumed it was, you know, the Irish entertainment, you know, someone had passed away, the obituaries is what, you know, as an Irish Catholic, that's what you read every weekend. Yeah. So she was like, no, nobody died. And I was like, okay, great.

She's like, but you'll never guess who's getting married. And I said, who? And she was like, George, different names because I don't want to be too much of a jerk. Sure, of course. And I was like, wait, I'm sorry, what? And she goes, yeah, he's getting married in like two months. And I was like, oh, that's really weird because I just saw him on Friday. And it didn't come up in a three and a half hour conversation that, oh, by the way,

So, of course, me being me, I immediately called him and I was like, oh, hey. And he's like, oh, hey, you want to get together? Like, what's going on? I was like, cool, do you want to invite your fiancé? Oh, did you say that? Yeah. He was like, well, I didn't know how to tell you. Well, I do.

I do. I have like three different ways. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So needless to say, we never hung out again, which, you know, is fine. Yeah, yeah. But then Maine being Maine, I've seen them around a few times, and it's been moderately awkward, and I feel like, oh, so like I've literally done the close the door really fast on the elevator at a store because I didn't want him to get into the same elevator with me. I was like, no, thank you.

Bye. So, yeah. Have you ever, when you've run into him, have you ever run into the new wife? No. No. No. Never. And I don't, you know, of course, I did a little light Facebook stuff.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Because who doesn't. Right, of course. You got to. And, like, they were, like, married and kids. And I'm like, I don't do a lot of math, but I feel like we might have dated when they were together. Interesting. Those kids are an interesting age.

And I was like, well, cool. It seems like that's in his. I really have a great track record. Yeah, yeah. Well, it is amazing, too, that, like, there was an announcement in the paper. So he wasn't. And he's still looking for, like, a last-minute thing. before, you know.

Did it ever get like, like, did he ever feel emotional? I'm trying to think if he was like going through a thing. Like if he was trying to, did it, okay, first of all, did it feel like he was trying to, how do I say, have sex with you? Well, I feel like he, that's weird, right? I couldn't really get the vibe. And that's why I was like, I don't know what this is about. Because it wasn't like all out, like, let's hit it.

Right. But it wasn't like, you know, I miss you. I love you. Like, what am I doing with my life? But also not purely friendly because he was like, let's see each other again. It was a weird in between. And I was like, I don't know what this vibe is, but I'm like, you know, I'll try and give him another chance.

You mean, who am I? Like, I'm not, you know, anything fantastic. Come on, Courtney. I just judge the situation. Right. I'm not an expert on this guy, but I will say that he probably did want to have sex with you. I think so. Because he did, he was awake.

and he made an arrangement to meet up with you and you said yes. Great point. So it was somewhere in his possible agenda. Yeah. He was like, yeah, that would be fun. That would be bad. It's like almost sweet or something that he didn't cross a line. I mean, it's so weird that this happened and I'm not taking that away.

Yes. But like he... It's gently creepy. What did he want? What did he want? No, he wanted a last fling. Yes. And I think that that's a very, I never did this, but I honestly never did this.

But it's a very common thing. People get engaged. And then it doesn't mean they go and have a tour to fare, but they might make out with somebody drunkenly at a party. Because they know, you know, the garage door is closing. They're going to slide underneath it right at the last minute. But yeah, I think it's a very common thing. And that's probably, he probably liked you, was disappointed that it had ended and was like, yeah, maybe, you know. He was kind of thinking.

like maybe, and he was probably also in his mind was probably thinking you're going to go, way, aren't you getting married? And then he would go, yeah, but do you mind just having a fling? And you would go, no, okay, why not? Yeah, sure, why not? I mean, there's no big deal between us, but why not? Have a laugh. It's so funny that he, that you had this long dinner evening together and he never brought it up.

Because I'm sure. Yeah, that's kind of bad. That's kind of bad. I mean, I'm sure you were like, what are you up to? Maybe you even asked, yeah, like, what's on the horizon? What's in the paper these days? Yeah. All the things.

We talked about so many random, weird, like, in-depth things, and you would think. But I love that you guys went there because, honestly, that didn't even cross my mind. I am so clueless, and that might be why I'm such a dating disaster. Never crossed my mind that that's what he was looking for. No, that's, I, yeah, that's, you know. Yeah, no, come on. Corny, don't sell yourself short, huh? Yeah, people are just disgusting, filthy animals.

I never even thought about that. Well, now you know. And actually, the offer is probably still on the table. And now there's a whole new awkwardness for when you bump into him. Yeah. I see, I see for you. Yeah. I'm never.

I'm going to have to, like, leave the state now, I think. I just go to Vermont. I was going to say, what's next door, yeah. All right. Well, Courtney, thank you so much for the call. Hey, thank you so much. And thanks for broadening my horizons. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Glad we could help. Wonderful. All right. Bye, Courtney. All right. Next up, Cynthia from Seattle. Darcy Cardin's here.

Hi, Cynthia. And so am I. That's pretty impressive to help both of you at the same time. So thank you for that. Thank you for that. So mine is not, I don't have quite the long history. This was date number two. Okay.

Date number one went really well. Date number two wasn't supposed to be a date. but he invited himself along to a family gathering, you know, which in hindsight was probably a bad idea to begin with. But we get there. I don't want to interrupt already. But did he, okay, so you just said like, oh, I'm hanging out with my family this weekend or something,

and he was like, can I join? Exactly. Exactly. He's like, well, he goes, parents love me. Okay. And I'm like, well, he's never a good time. No, no. And again, in hindsight,

There's a lot that, you know, aging. You see. Yes, of course. Okay. Yeah. And so, you know, I said, no, I said this is, it's a birthday party for the grandmas who are turning 90. So this is not like a, you know, it's not going to be a swinging, swinging hangout. It's a banger. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Yes. Funny, but not, you know, not a rager.

Right. But he was like, no, no, no. He goes, grandparents love me. parents love me, and he broke, he wore me down. Okay. So we get there, he's gregarious, he's funny, everybody loves him, and he disappears into the house for a little bit. We're out on the deck, it's beautiful summer day, and he comes back out and he's got wine.

I'm like, okay, that's not a, you know, people drink at parties. And then he goes back to the kitchen and comes back out, and he has more wine, back into the kitchen. With each glass of wine, he gets a little less gregarious and a little bit more obnoxious. Oh, boy. And so. Was anybody else at the party drinking? Like, is drinking not a common thing in a gathering like this?

No, no, no. Oh, no. This family, I'm the exception to the rule is that I'm not a big drinker. Okay. So he said, yeah, he fit right in. Right. It was just a personality change that came with it. Yeah, yeah.

And so one of the grandma's pulls me aside. She's like, honey, honey, I think he's drinking too much. you got to tell him to go take a nap. I'm like, I'll go tell him to take a nap. So he did. He was like, oh, you know what? I probably drank too much, haven't had anything to eat. So he disappeared, came back in an hour and a half, two hours was much better.

We're wearing grandma's clothes. Oh, not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. Oh, boy. I know. and we're, you know, he's, we're all seated, so it's not as bad, but he offers to help clean the plates and goes back in, and he's gone for about half an hour, which, you know, the house is big, but not that big.

Right. And he comes back out, and he's wearing swim trunks. I was just making this up. I know. I was just cracking wise. Jesus. Okay. And you cracked wise and you hit it on the note.

Okay. Swim trunks. Yeah. So he comes out and swim trunks. Don't know who they are. Is there a body of water in your life? Are people swimming? Well, no, there's a hot tub, but there was no hot tub action.

Right. Yeah. That was not, again, 90 years old. That's not really what that party was about. They will melt. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

Read the room. Yeah. And so he comes out, he flings the top of the hot tub off. Okay. Oh, God. And he stands on a chair and he goes cannonball. No. And he does a cannonball into the hot tub.

Now, where the grandma is, sitting at that end of the table? No. Of course they were. They're 90. So now, yes, both grandma. They're both 90. They're twins?

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Both 90 and now soaking wet. Okay, shit. Oh, wow. So, yeah. Yeah. So, um, we were asked to leave.

Oh. Shockingly enough. And so, yes, we drove, drove home and I was like, okay, this was, this was nothing. Just you need to go now. Yeah. I'm too drunk. I can't drive home. I'm like, hi.

can't do that to the rest of the world. That's true. Yeah, yeah. So when you wake up and you're sober, just go. I could do that to the rest of the world. Get the fuck out, buddy. Yeah, exactly. I'll take the, I'll take the hit on that one.

And so, yeah, so he, he, you know, I wake up and he's standing over me in my bedroom. And he's like, so can you make me some breakfast? Oh, I hate this guy. And I'm like, you know, actually no, but I'm going to call the police if you don't leave now. Nice. So, you know, it was. Just, yeah, but I mean, as far as embarrassing goes, I don't know that, you know, drenching, drenching the 90-year-old grandmas, my family has really never let me recover from that. Wow.

But, yeah, so that was, that was a pretty bad, that was a pretty bad second date. He sucks. Yeah, he really does suck. He sucks. Every step of the way he sucks. Like, like, inviting himself, inviting himself to your family gathering and then, okay, the fact that you said, why don't you go take a. nap and he wasn't like, actually, I'm going to call a cab and go home. Right, right.

He was like, yeah, I'm going to take a two hour nap. Right, right. At this practical stranger. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to go find a bed and crawl into it. Oh, this guy's, and he's also an alcoholic. Yeah. Yeah.

Did he display any contrition? Was he like, at any like, hey, I was, I'm sorry. I got a little out of hand. Oh, no. See, there's more to the story, but it takes a slightly darker turn, which I don't think is the mood of your show today. Oh, you can, no. Let's get dark.

Let it let it let her rip. I live here, so, you know, come on. Okay, all right, all right. So we were supposed to go to a football game on Sunday, if the party was Saturday. And I told him, I said, yeah, I'm going to, we're not going. And he's like, but I've been looking forward to it all week. And I'm like, we just met on Friday. Yeah.

You can't really look forward to things. So I, he leaves, and I text him and I said, hey, I'm going to go with my friend. And she's going to pick me up. So don't bother driving back down. He lived about 45 minutes away. So you're going to the game anyway. And you're just going to use the ticket for someone else. Yeah, at this point in time, I didn't want to go anywhere

because I was just living in my mortification. And so I text him and said, you know, I'm going with my friend. So if he did come down, he would see my car, which he did. He drove down. He John Cusack outside my window for an hour and a half. about, I want the football tickets. I just want to go to the game. Yikes. And my neighbor comes, he knocks on my door, and he's like, what's up with the weird guy? I'm like, here's the situation. The neighbor asks him to leave. He doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to leave. He doesn't want to

leave. Finally, the neighbor's like, I'm going to call the cop. She's not here. You're just yelling at the door. Yeah. And so he takes the message and leaves. And then he called every two minutes for the next seven hours and just leaving little messages messages i want the football tickets i want the game is now long since gone um so yeah so my brother who is six nine and rather imposing had to get on the phone and basically just be like i'm six nine believe me yeah yeah you're done and we're not if you call again and so you know so yeah it was it was embarrassing and then it was a little weird and then it was little scary and, you know, all of it all wrapped into one little. I bet you went, I mean, it sounds like you were embarrassed because you're kind of like,

how did I, how did I, like, what did I see in this guy? When you kind of read it so wrong, read somebody's personality. Yeah. My friends know, I have a very low EQ. I don't really read people well. Okay. But this was like it to another level even for me. Yeah.

And I'm going to say it put me off dating for, I am not quite sure, several years. Yeah. because I'm like, if I can be that wrong. Totally. The next one could turn out to be somebody who's going to show up in a newspaper, not because he got married, but because he got married and then killed his wife. Yeah. Well, the guy, he was just a football fan.

That's all. I know. He just really loves football. Yes, that's true. This is actually on you. Jesus Christ. Was it like a sea haths were good, but not that good. I was going to say a Seahawks game.

Wow. That's crazy. Your poor twin grandma. Yes, your poor. grandmas. Well, Cindy, I'm glad you've recovered. Yeah. Let that go. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're, you're, you're, you move on. Move on. We're done with him. Right.

100%. Go to whatever sporting events you want. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Feel free. Oh, for sure. Yeah. No. It's, uh, fortunately, I don't have, I, you know, live in a big enough state that I don't have to see him. Yeah. Yeah. And this was a while ago. This was like a couple years ago. Yeah. It was a couple years ago. Yeah. He may not be with us anymore. He may not. He may not. He may not. He may be in Washington working for Doge. Oh. It's somebody who gets NIH money. I'm a little fady. A little fady.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I know. All right. Well, Cynthia, thank you so much for calling and sharing that with us. You bet. Okay. Nice speech. All right. Thanks much. All right. We're talking dating disasters. Me and Darcy Cardin. It's the Andy Richter Callin Show. Give us a call if you've got one. 855-266-2-604.

Jeanette from Oakland, there's a lot of bad dates in Oakland, I think. You know, the Bay Area is known for bad dates. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Maybe that's why I never dated. I'm from the Bay. From there, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, my Bay Area Queen.

Hello, it's nice to speak with you, Bo. Thanks for taking my call. You're welcome. This is actually from Sacramento. Oh, even worse. Bad date happened. Yeah. And in 1990, and it was the first date between myself and a guy that I had gone to high school with that we had recently reappointed ourselves during our five-year high school reunion. So that kind of gives you an idea.

And this was then after our dinner and we were going to a dance club. And it was kind of in a not the greatest area, but it's an area where there was a lot of shopping and a big shopping mall. And so we parked in the back of this dance club. And we were sitting and chatting. And it was a summer evening. So we had the windows down in his truck. And then suddenly a car pulled up behind us. And a guy came to the window with a gun pointed in our face and says,

give me your money. And just like on movies that you see, we just went, what? Yeah. So there is this a joke? You expect something coming up to you to say, what time is it? Or do you know where this is something? And so we, he said it again and shook the gun. And so we knew, oh, right.

So I reached into my purse, $25. And I remember just looking at the $25 as I was passing, you know, across the window to hand it to him. And he grabbed it. and my date was still trying to fish the wallet out of his pocket. So the guy looked at the $25. I guess that was sufficient for his need. Wow. That's 1990.

Different inflation. Yeah. Yeah. He was too deep, I guess. He hit my date on the head with the end of the gun, was unfortunate. And he, you know, kind of fell forward. And they, he left. The car just took off.

And so we, you know, we were just sitting there. an utter shock and we, you know, he kind of shook his head and said, yeah, we've got to call the, you know, we've got to call the police. Of course, we don't have cell phones because it's 1990, remember, so we drove around to the front of the club and there were, you know, just kind of some security guard guys. And so they called the police for us. And I, you know, it didn't seem like that part went on very long. I don't know that they were necessarily all that interested in our, in our situation, but we did spend the rest of the date in the emergency room so that my date could get his head checked out.

But, you know, to finish the story, the next day I called this guy to see how he was feeling and, you know, he said he had a terrible headache, but he was going to be okay. And he offered me 1250. So that was... Did he really? Did he really? He really did. He wanted to go Dutch on the date.

Go Dutch on the head wound. That's very cool. Very cool. A modern man in 1990. Did you guys date ever, did you ever date again? We did go out, I think, one or two other times, but yeah, it didn't really work out. I think it was a trauma bond did for a couple of dates. Yeah, yeah.

And then you realize actually. Constantly looking over your shoulder. I've talked about similar situations on this show when I have been around like a crime situation, like a shooting, you know, like around a shooting. and I just know I'm dead. I know. If the shit ever really goes down, I'm dead because I just go, hey, garshk, you know. What's happening? Yeah.

Hey, look at that feller's got a gun, you know. And there's no sort of reflect, you know, cat-like reflexes where I dive behind something. It's such a bummer when you find that out about yourself. Yeah. You go like, oh, yeah, okay. So in a bad situation, I will be gone. Years and years ago, this is the only time I ever did paintball. We did it as a remote bit for the Conan show, and there was a bunch of us went out and we did this paint.

We did it twice. I was dead within like a minute each time. Right. And I just, you know, like, you think in your mind like, you know, like, well, and given it, put in a situation. So many movies are like, fish out of water, find themselves in a dangerous situation and rises to the occasion. I just know, no, I would just be a dead fish. Yes. In water.

Yeah. Dead fish. So, yeah, I don't. I if I'm you know well I shouldn't put this out there somebody's going to be like well we should rob him that's true he's going to be an easy mark yeah yeah see that guy rob him because he's going to say garsh will not react yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and yeah and yeah and yeah and yeah and yeah and yeah I'm from uh huh I'm from austy yeah I'm from Austin I'm from Austin Austin. Austin, Houston. In L.A., we pronounced it Houston. Yes. In New York, they pronounce it Houston.

And then I guess in Texas, you pronounce it Austin. Austin. Yeah, yeah. That's it. Thank you for taking my call. Oh, you're welcome. So I matched with a woman on Bumble. Yes. And this was the last year, a very attractive woman. And we started chatting on Bumble.

This laughed me for about a couple weeks, just going back and forth, getting to know each other. She was very funny, very intelligent. We seemed to have a lot in common. And I kind of felt like maybe this is too good to be true. I wasn't entirely sure because you never really know how the actual meeting is going to go. So we plan to meet at a bar to have a drink. And I show up there at the bar and I get her a glass of mall back, which is what she requested. And I sit down and I wait.

She said she's going to walk in with a yellow dress. And I was like, okay, wonderful. I waited in a few minutes go by and she doesn't show up. And I'm recalling on her profile, it said, the first line said, not a bot. And I'm like, oh, no, is this so like, am I getting catfish? What's going on here? And just as I'm thinking that a beautiful woman walks in in a yellow dress. And that's her.

And I'm like, oh, my God. So I go up to her. I grab her by the hand. I take her to the table. And I think it's so great to meet you. I'm so glad we get the hand. out tonight. How's your day going? And she takes her phone out and starts typing into it. And I'm standing there watching her and waiting. And she points her phone at me and it's Google Translate.

Okay. And it's Portuguese to English. And it says, I don't speak any English. So we're going to have to communicate through Google Transcendant. Oh my gosh. Wait a minute. And I, so I grab my phone and I start typing in. What about everything you were writing? Oh, that was AI I was using at GPT to talk to you. And I said, well, you know, I'm typing, this should be something you should have maybe told me. And she gets embarrassed and she's very, very quiet. And I'm very uncomfortable at this point because obviously there's not expecting someone

to not speaking in English, especially after our exchange. And so we're sitting there and I'm just sort of quietly drinking my wine. I'm thinking myself, look, I'll just be polite, finish this wine, call her an Uber and we'll go our separate ways. A few minutes later, she reaches across the table, and the only English that she spoke the entire night, she grabs my head and she says, I want you to have your babies.

I was like, I thought, no, no, no. What? What are you talking about? That is the first thing they teach on duolingo. That's the first phrase you learn. I asked her, I was incredulous. I just shook my head, I started laughing, and then she said it again.

I wanted to have your vagance. And I was just like, this is crazy, okay? And I just type in, oh, this is obviously not working out, you know, who you said you were, and I'm going to call you an Uber, and she got very upset and quiet and just sat there, and I finished my drink, and that was basically the end of it. But the unexpected experience. Wow. Yeah.

You should have just given her a baby. I was going to say, that's kind of selfish of you, actually. Come on. We are married now. Oh, God. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

She was probably ovulating. Women are crazy when they're ovulating. They are nuts. Oh, God. Tell me about it. I got eggs burning a hole in me, buddy. They're scrambling. Yeah, I wonder how long that could laugh. Like, you know, if you decided in the moment, you know, I mean, babies aside.

just as far as the language barrier. How, I mean, I guess people do that. People, you can, you can, I don't know, you can, I mean, it is kind of amazing Google Translate would help somebody. Absolutely. You know. Yeah, no. I mean, God bless the modern age because you could. I mean, it's very awkward.

You could go back and forth. Right. That way, you know, I guess. It's kind of cool. It's just weird that she didn't mention it. And then you kind of go, if that, then what else is she hiding? And also, like, I want. to have your babies.

Like, there's horny. Yeah. And then there's like, I want a lifetime commitment. Yes. Like, well, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe she was, maybe she was a bot. Oh my God. That would make a robot. Yes. Maybe she was a robot. Wow. A Portuguese robot. I think, you know, you made the right decision. Yeah. You dodged a boy because that does, that all adds up.

I don't know what the word in Portuguese for crazy is. But that's pretty cuckoo. That's a little cuckoo. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right, well, Keon, thank you. Thanks for the call. Thank you.

And enjoy Austin, not Houston. Not Houston. Austin's a lot easier to enjoy than Houston. No offense, Houston. Or Houston. Bye, Kian. All right, next up on the Andy Richter-Callin show at 855-26-2-604 talking dating disasters. Amanda from Brooklyn has a dating disaster.

Hi, Amanda. Hi. Hi. I do indeed. Thank you, indeed. Thanks for taking my call. you're welcome. So this is about cool

this is about 20 years ago in the nascent era of Match.com and I met this guy I met so this is this is an online date from you know from the very early days of it right and I met this guy at a wine bar

that's no longer there but it's not my fault and now that's a bad beat and I was we agreed to meet at this wine bar and I thought it was actually early and he was already waiting for me and he sat in the hands down worst part of the bar. There was actually an end of a bar where it turns into sort of a table where you sit with other people across from you instead of just a bar and he chose to sit there for some reason and of course inevitably other people, total strangers, were sitting across from us

on a first date. And he's, he is talking, he's talking, he's talking, he's talking. And talking. And these people butt into what wasn't really a conversation and said, okay, we know your name is Daniel, but, but I'm sorry, what's your name? Amanda. Oh, have you asked Amanda if she's ever been to Thailand? He was just telling these insane stories and not letting me get a word in edgewise,

and it was so bad that these other people were asking the date questions. Wow, that they just butt in. They weren't a part of the conversation. Yeah. They were your date reps. They weren't a part of the conversation at all. Wow. They just saw what a train wreck this was and decided to have fun with it.

And so they were asking me all the questions that he should have been asking. And how did he take it? And allowing me to speak not very well at all. He kept interrupting. Well, sounds like you're dull. Sounds like your storytelling skills need some sharpening because he was spinning some yarns. Did you go home with the other two people?

Make a night of it? Yeah, yeah. Well, so it's kind of an epilogue there. So he also smelled like he'd been dead for days. Oh, not days. That's a problem. Those were okay, but he smelled so, so, so bad. Oh.

sucks. Going to Thailand for emergency dental surgery, he might have needed to go to Passage Beach, Blatchwish Avenue. My body is rotting from the inside out. And so the bartender asked me if I want another round, and I say, again, remember, this is more than 20 years ago, I say, no, I just want to go home and watch ER, and I don't want to hear any more about your medical escapades. and the couple across from us clapped. And I came back to the bar a few days later, you know, because I was a regular there,

and these people were there, and they bought me around. Oh, nice. And did you go home with them that night? Darcy. Sorry, I just want you to have a threesome with this really nice couple. And it's actually fucked up that you didn't. Yeah. Seriously.

Way to go, Amanda. You know, lost opportunity. No time like the present, huh? Yeah. There really should be some sort of public service campaign. Like, if you smell bad, at least don't talk too much. Yes, totally. You can be one or the other.

Oh, God. Smell bad on a date is hell. Is the worst. I would rather he, if it was one or the other, if it was that he talked too much and didn't let me speak or that he smelled bad, I would take talk too much. I don't think men fully understand how important your smell is. It kind of is the whole thing. It's hugely important. Totally.

And it can, you know, put the kibosh on Prince Charming. Totally. It's like science. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The other person's body says, no. Yeah. This person's been dead for a couple days.

Oh. Well, you won that one, Amanda. You did. You know? I like to think so. Yeah. And you got to go home to Noah Wiley's open arms. Right.

And you also, you had an audience. You won over an audience that you didn't even know was there. They clapped for you. Wow. 20 years ago. George Clooney. What a hero. Julianna Margulise.

I don't know. I never watched ER. Absolutely. Oh, God, you gotta watch ER, Andy. I never watched ER. Start from the beginning. I don't like hospital stuff. I like cop stuff.

There's not enough murders in the hospital stuff. There's a pretty good murder. Amanda, isn't there a really good murder in ER? Do you remember that murder? Oh, there's ever a love that. David Crumholtz and. Oh, David Crumholtz got murdered? No, he does the murdering.

Oh, Crumholtz would be an awesome murderer. He absolutely kidding. He would be on my short list of people I wish would murder me. Yeah, me too. I love that dude. He's fantastic. He's fantastic. Love you, Crumholtz.

Love you, Crumholtz. Should we do another podcast? It's just an ER watch. It's just a Crumholtz. A Crumholtz watch. It could be called an E R, an ER, wait, wait, E R-E watch. An ER re-watch. Okay, wait, wait, wait, actually delete that because I want to save that from me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't anyone steal that. Don't anyone steal that. Hi, Amanda. All right, Amanda. I have to come on ER watch. Yeah. We'll get your next.

number. All right. Thank you, Amanda. Cool. All right. Thank you. Bye-bye. Let's see. Oh, wait. I'm getting something. Justin from Georgia. Oh, Justin, you called in before when Carrie O'Donnell was here.

And we gave you advice, and it was sort of a wild card. Because it was off topic, and we gave you advice about becoming a father, which I don't know what the fuck Carrie O'Donnell would tell you about being a father. Yeah, I mean, he's got a dog. Okay, he probably has a father. So anyway, Justin, hello again. Hey, Andy, how are you? And hello to you as well,

Darcy. Hello, Justin. So are you a father yet? No. So when I called, we were at six weeks, and I was just kind of freaking out and gave you a call. And we're 28 weeks now. So we still got some time, but things are moving along. And I really just wanted to call and say thanks to you, Andy. for giving me that time to just sort of get that anxious energy out. The advice that you gave me at the time was to start being happy. I was too focused on the anxiety and the fear. And just hearing that really gave me a mental shift. And I went from being way too anxious to realizing that, yeah, no, it's going to be a great experience.

And I needed to start focusing on what needs to happen for my wife. and that's what I've been doing. And ultimately what needs to happen for our baby, and we're going to have a little girl. So that's going to be really fun and exciting. Girls are the best. You can name her Richter. Please don't name her Richter.

We already have a name picked out. You don't have to tell us. If I were you, I wouldn't tell people. If you pick out a name, keep it to yourself because you get all kinds of opinions that you don't need. Even without people meaning to, they just do it. I know. No, they can't.

Yeah, yeah. You can just tell me. Just tell me. Very. No, don't do. You know, it's funny because after that conversation, I did, I had something that I thought of that I was like, I wish I had thought of because, you know, I'm a father and I think about it a lot. And one of the things that I was trying to say that I didn't exactly put into words very well at that point was because you were sort of, you know, you were so anxious and you weren't sure if you were up for it. And I was, what I wanted to say was that, you know, most people, they're like sort of, you hear about like the most sort of heroic levels of human existence and people, you know, the way that people live an important life. And it's when they give themselves up to a cause of some kind. And there's no better cause than that little girl that's coming your way. So it's like you already have like, you know, you have a campaign.

that you're setting out on and it's going to be the most important one you do i mean unless you get an like an album contract or a three-picture deal but i mean no but it's i mean it is it's having kids is great because you do kind of get to you you get to surrender yourself to something more important i love that yeah no i think that's that's a great perspective to put it into and and I'm already doing things, obviously, to prepare for her and do things for. Like, for example, I ended up needing to have shoulder surgery back in November. And at the time, they were like, oh, maybe we could just try physical therapy and that'll do it. And I just looked at the doctor and I said, do you really think that or do we just need to go ahead and get this done?

And they said, yeah, let's get it done. I was like, cool, I got a kid on the way. Yeah, yeah. But it's important. And so it's things like that. And then one last thing is that, speaking of a campaign and, you know, that sort of thing. You know, our theme for the nursery,

picked out by my wife, is going to be the Shire from Lord of the Rings. Oh. It's very fitting that we're having a campaign. So, yeah, no, really exciting stuff. Love it. Great. Well, Justin, that's great. And thank you for calling back and letting us know. Congrats, Justin. You're going to be great, Dad.

Yes. Thank you both. See, I'm not always wrong. No, that was, you were really right. That was so nice. That was nice. It was nice. Good advice. That was completely made. up. No, it was real. The whole thing was fake. All fake. That was my brother. He's reading a script. He's reading a script that I wrote for him. And if you didn't get it right,

I would kill him. All right. Next, I think we got time for at least another one. Here we go. Steve from San Francisco. Hi, Steve. Hello, Steve from San Francisco. Hi, Andy and Darcy. Thanks for taking my call. Oh, you're welcome. Thanks for calling. Yeah. Sure. And Darcy just want to say my daughter's, are huge, huge fans of you. They absolutely love you. Oh, hell yeah. That rules. Tell your daughters I say hi. I will. I'm, I guess I can't claim San Francisco, but I'm a Bay Area girl too, so, you know. What town are you from? I grew up in a town called Danville. Okay. But, you know, my grandma was born in San Francisco. Yeah. There you go. Close enough. Yeah. Yeah.

So, um, I had a blind date where I ended up kind of bringing my dad along. Oh, boy. Oh, brother. What the hell did you do? Well, I had recently moved to San Francisco and signed up with an online dating app. My dad, my dad, me.com? No, no, no, no. I matched up with this girl, and we agreed to meet for a coffee in the inner sunset, but I forgot that my dad was coming that weekend. He was in town for a convention.

And you've got to understand, he's the kind of guy. He's of German extraction, and he has a, he has sort of the delivery of Arnold Schwarzenegger without the charm and breadth of acting skills. Right. So he's not a man of many words. So anyway. Water little designs for my son.

Yeah, yeah, it was basically. Do you want to have his baby? Yeah, that would have been fun. He, for some reason, I decided to bring him along. Did you give her a heads up? Yeah, I'm curious about that too. Did you give her a heads up? No.

I did not. I was very surprised to find out that my father was joining us. And this was a first date, Steve? A first date? Yeah, we'd never met before. It was like we had exchanged emails and stuff and like, okay, let's get together. Oh, you brought your dad. And he's sitting there between us sort of glowering.

And she's trying to engage him in conversation. So are you in town for work? Yeah. And what do you do? Yeah, we're going to golf club. Oh, okay. okay, where are you from, Chicago? And that was it, you know, all one word answer.

Right. And it was just so incredibly awkward. We were just, it was a horrible first date, and she agreed to never meet again. And years afterward, my dad would say, you know, every time I did something stupid, he'd bring this up, and he'd just go, what the head was what are you thinking?

I kind of agree with your dad. I do, but you know what? But come on, dad. You should have said, wait, you're going on a date. No, look. Yes. Just I'll, you know, you go to the place. And even he could have, like, just gone and walked around a little bit or something.

Especially if he wasn't going to be. I mean, maybe it was, it sounds like it was his personality to be sort of, like, one-word answer type of guy. This wasn't out of character for him. Right? Yeah. Right. So, yeah, I mean, I'm also trying to picture you, you know, you're like, you're going on a first date with this girl. And you're like, oh, shit, my dad's coming.

No, no. like this actually tells me so much about you and I think you're like a problem solver and it's actually really sweet that you were like this will be fine this will actually be really fine right right and then that would have been a nice way to see it in the moment you're like ah shit I made a mistake would there have been fallout

would there have been fallout if you hadn't like is your dad somebody that needs the attention no oh okay and what if you would have been yeah if you would have been happy to just be parked somewhere else okay Steve this is on you pick him up in an hour you fucked up You found out. That was just me trying to do too many things at once.

Yeah. I was kind of hoping that maybe, that maybe this end of the story would be that she fell for your dad. Oh, that would have been beautiful. Yeah, because that's stoic sort of teutonic, you know, like man's man. Yeah, that's what she was really hoping for. Yeah. Kind of a super jolly eager guy. Yeah.

Oh, and this is my dad. You don't mind, do you? No, was this, it was pretty awful. Was this like a drinks date, a coffee date or a meal date? Yeah. No, it was just a coffee date. Okay. See, you could have just parked your dad across the cafe too. Yeah, that's true. I know. Just go sit over there and don't look at us.

InSight 2020, right? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well. But I actually think it is very sweet. There's something about it that's really endearing. Yeah. Yeah. Has your dad been, like, have people that you've had longer relationships with? Have they enjoyed your father's company? Or is he always a deal brand? Oh, okay. No, eventually. Actually, actually, my, I'm happy. Married now. Yay!

Oh, good. Luckily, my wife didn't meet my dad until she had too much invested in the relationship. She's like, well, I guess this is what it is. Yeah. You always want to save the Germans until they're in too deep. Hold back on the Germans. My siblings, yeah, my siblings and I would tell her about him, and she's like, come on, you can't be like that.

And she wouldn't believe us. Is that your wife? Is that your wife? That's your wife right now. Yep. She wouldn't believe it. Hi to your wife. I hear her in the background.

Yeah, hi there. Oh, yeah, yeah. She's cackling in the background. Yeah. All right. All right. Well, Steve, thank you so much for the call. And say hi to your two daughters for me. My pleasure. Yes, and say hi to your dad.

Yeah. I sure well. Say chust to your dad. Nice. Yeah, yeah. Great. Thank you very much. All right. Well, that's the Andy Richter-Collins show, Darcy Cardin.

I love it. We pick a favorite now. I think, well, you go first. Ladies first. You pick who do you think? Had like, is the criteria that like it was the best, worse? Just your favorite. I did really like the, um, the wine bar in Brooklyn, the neighbor, you know, the, yeah.

That was a good one too. Amanda, you know, the guy was talking too much and then the, the couple that she didn't have a threesome with stuck up for her. Yeah. That cold fish didn't have a threesome with them. I personally, I will never get past the, just the visual of cannonball into the hot tub. Oh my God, of course. And then soaked grandies.

And I know they weren't twins, but I just pictured them as absolutely identical. That's my favorite right there. That's the best worst. That is the worst. That's the worst. And also, we kind of glossed over this. But at the end, he said, can you make me breakfast? Yeah.

What a piece of shit. Breakfast and wants the football tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. That guy, that guy's going places. Yeah, straight to hill. All right. Is there anything besides Wikihole with Darcy Garden that you want to plug?

I got some things coming out, but I don't even think I can talk about him yet. She can't talk about them. Big, big stuff. I'll come on tomorrow. I'll come on next week and talk about him. Yes, yes. Come back. Sunny nights, Sunday nights with Will Forte sometime soon.

Okay. Of a TV show coming up. Okay, great. Yeah. And thank all of you for listening. We'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter Collin show. Bye. Thanks for having Mandy.

Bye. Bye. Thank you, Darcy.