The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Dylan Adler: Doctor and Dentist Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: March 21, 2025

Fresh off tour with Atsuko Okatsuka, comedian Dylan Adler joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your Doctor and Dentist Stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about weirdo doctors, freak injuries, terrible dentists, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Ah, yes. That public domain jazz can only mean one thing. It's time again for the Andy Richter call-in show! The show in which I, Andy Richter call-in show the show in which I Andy Richter sit at a chair and you call in thus the name today we're talking about doctor and dentists stories the more gruesome the better please it takes

a lot to get me off story wise so again bring the dark shit, people. 855-266-2604. We're here for an hour. Give us a ring if you got a good doctor or dentist show. And I'm very happy, very excited to have the very funny Dylan Adler here with me today. Thank you for having me. I'm so happy you're here. I appreciate it. Likewise. It says here you're a comedian, actor, and writer. You've written for James Corden,

and you're a very funny standup too. You just got back, you were just telling me you got back from Europe where you were opening for Otsuko Okatsuka, who is sat in that very chair right there. Absolutely, yes. I call her my biological mother. She is the best. Your mother's nuts.

Oh, she's crazy, but that's where I get it from. I know, she's fantastic. Yeah, she's the best, and got to like, never been out the country before, that's nuts. Oh, she's crazy. That's where I get it from. I know. She's fantastic. Yeah, she's the best. And got to like, I've never been out the country before. Really? Wow. Got to see just, you know, how incredible other countries are compared to this one. Was it all Europe or were there?

All Europe. All Europe. All Europe. And how many cities? Fifteen. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's really great.

And is it really like nonstop? Do you get a chance to sort of get some breathing room and see some stuff or? It was like half and half. Like mostly it was, there were some nights where it was like city, city, city. But we got to like spend two nights, like in Stockholm, like London, Paris. So there was some nights we got to actually enjoy the city.

Okay. So just a quick, quick sort of like judgment passing. Yeah. Stockholm. Loved it. Beautiful. Should not be associated with Stockholm syndrome because it's such a beautiful city. It's unfair actually I think. Paris? I liked it. People are rude kind of like in New York but they're not rude in their soul. It really is the city of love. That's the same thing. It's New York they say people are rude but they're not really rude. They're not like rude, it's just the culture. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then what was the other one, Munich? Did you say? Oh, Berlin. Berlin. Berlin. Oh, Berlin. I'm not even gonna ask about Berlin, cause that was so much fun. Oh, Berlin was so fun. But you know, very direct,

and not the loudest peep, not the loudest crowd, but you know, they enjoyed it, I think. Were the crowds generally good? Like did they like your stuff? And you know. I was so surprised that so much of Europe, Oh really? They enjoyed it. Were the crowds generally good? Like did they like your stuff? I was so surprised that so much of Europe, I mean so many Europeans know American culture. So like I was like afraid-

Well we shove it down their throats. Oh 100% they can't escape it, they have no choice. So you know, I was like afraid that they wouldn't get a lot of the references, but they know what Grindr is. You know, so. And is there Grindr there? Oh, oh Donut, yes there was. Is it a worldwide Grindr is. And is there Grindr there? Oh! Oh, yes there is. Is it a worldwide Grindr?

Oh, it is an international company. It'd be funny to go to Papua New Guinea or somewhere and see if the Yanomami know about Grindr. You know, they were hitting me the fuck up. Well, that's great. The best travel is travel that someone else pays for. And especially when you're getting paid to do it.

It was great. I bet. It was nice, guilt-free travel. And what's the most fun thing that you saw, do you think? What did you enjoy the most? Oh my God, there was so many people. I think literally just the Eiffel Tower. I didn't know how big it was.

It's just massive. And I was just looking at it, it was like looking at a Star Wars Death Star ship. I was like, what the hell? I can't believe, that was probably the thing I was blown away with most. Yeah, no, it's nice. I haven't traveled.

Well, no, that's not true. I did, I had my honeymoon two years ago in Europe. Yeah, so, but that, I don't know. That was a lot of that was London, which I had never been to London. And I really liked London. It's beautiful. I'm still there, you know.

I mean, when the shit goes down, London I might be coming. So just so you know. Oh, same. Same here, actually. Yeah. Somewhere, just somewhere. Anywhere without a secret asylum, you know? Yeah, I could fake Swedish. Oh, same. Same here, actually. Somewhere. Just somewhere. Anywhere without a secret asylum, you know? Yeah. I could fake Swedish.

Oh, yeah. I mean, I got the genealogy to back it up. I would believe you're Swedish. Yeah. There you go. All right. Well, doctor and dentist stories. Have you had any problematic sort of... Yes, I do. Problematic sort of?

Many problematic. Is it okay if I get a little graphic? Of course. Okay, so. It's preferred, but for me, I don't know, the people out there, I don't care. Okay. But for me.

Thank you. Yes, give it to me. So in high school, I had genital warts. Oh wow. And not because I was having sex. Right. But it's because I had a wart on my finger, and I would, you know.

From jerking off. From jerking off. Right, right. And so I gave it to myself. And so basically. Oh, what a nightmare. It's horrible. And you've got to talk to your parents about it and shit.

I talk to my parents about it. Oh, my god. And then, like, the most. That's, you can stop right there as far as, like, a nightmare. Oh, my god. It truly was, you know, Freddy Krueger situation. Yeah, yeah.

Every, like my mom would drive me to these appointments and I would have to get it frozen off, frozen off. And it was like embarrassing. And I would ask my mom to leave the room. Right. But I couldn't stop masturbating. Right, of course. So the warts would come back. The warts would come back, and it's kind of like,

it was like, meanwhile, my overachieving brother is like playing oboe for the Youth Symphony Orchestra, getting into Harvard, getting into Juilliard, and then my mom is driving me to these appointments, like, stop touching yourself! He's probably jerking off with a pillow or something. Oh, yeah, no. Something hygienic, you know?

Something very hygienic, jerking off with an oboe read, perhaps. You know? You know? Right in the pee hole. Right in the pee yeah, no. Something hygienic, you know. Something very hygienic, drinking off with an oboe reed, perhaps. You know? You know? Right in the pee hole. Right in the pee hole, exactly. You know, something crazy.

But there was one day I had to take a flu, it was called Imiquid Fluid because the freezing just wasn't working. Wow. And so I had to take this, I put it, you know, all over the area and- Or is it just, is it, you have to split it all over your penis?

That's what they said. Or just on the spots where there's warts? They said all over. Oh, wow. And I was allergic to it. So like, my penis inflamed. Oh my God. To this crazy...

And then my dad is a doctor. So I was like, I was like telling my mom, I'm like, everything is, it's, it's inflaming. Everything is bad. And so my mom was like, you have to show your dad your inflamed penis just to confirm. And I'm like, I would rather kill myself. But she was like, no, you have to show your dad. And so I was like, okay.

So I showed my dad and he was like, yep, that's bad, go back to the doctor. I'm like, why the fuck did I have to, just so he could tell me to go back to the dermatologist? My professional opinion is, go to someone doctor. I'm like, why the fuck did I have to, just so he could tell me to go back to the dermatologist? My professional opinion is, go to someone else. I'm like, yeah, that's what I thought he would say. Mom, Jesus, now he's seen my inflamed penis. Like, oh my God.

After a bunch more freezings, we are wart free. You're wart free. Could you have just jerked off with the other hand? That's the same. You know, the other hand is not just the same. The other hand is not as efficient. Yeah, it's like having someone else jerk you off. It's nice, but you know, it's not the same.

The velocity is not the same. Yeah, they don't understand. They don't get it. Your left hand doesn't understand. No. Well, that's going to be tough to top. Inflamed penis, mom and dad knowing about it? Yeah.

Warts? Yeah. Wow. It's like it's got fairy tale aspects to it. Like frog kissing or something. I don't know. Yeah. That's the Swedish fairy tale, I believe I learned.

All right. Well, let's go to the phones. Once again, the phone number here is 855-266-2604. Dylan and I are anxiously awaiting your calls. We got our first caller. Tom from Wisconsin. Are you there, Tom? I am here, sir. I am here. Hit us up man.

Tell us all about it. Well okay so I grew up in a small small town in northern Michigan. Okay. And in the UP or in the lower peninsula? No no northern lower on the lakeshore. Okay gotcha. So there's only a couple dentists in town and so I go to the same dentist everybody else you know everyone else in the family went to yeah and You get cavities filled as a kid because you know you didn't push well and you'd get a little nervous and the

Dental hygienist would calm you down. She was rather well blessed in touch. Okay. And she would stand behind you while she's assisting him and she would rest her chest on your eyes. No. Oh. No. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. And it's unbelievably calming. Just like going to a spa. Like the clouds. And you forget all about the wine of the drill and everything. You just kind of lay there and you know, it seemed to every, you didn't wiggle around, you sat still for the dentist and you know, it worked. Wow. And she, so she… It was quite awkward.

The positioning seems awkward. Wasn't there some sort of headrest that she had to maneuver around? Well, you were just lower than the headrest. I see. You would just put the chair at the right height that she could just set them there. Was it sort of a casual thing or like so that it wasn't you know not so obvious it's just like taking one tit and flopping it on one eye and then repeating? No, no, it was just kind of a casual thing you know she nobody mentioned it.

Right, right. Then it always it always happened the same way. And as long as you didn't object, you weren't going to screw that up, were you? Is this like a happy ending, you dandies? No, you weren't going to go home and say, hey, Ma! Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, I think she only, she only stayed, she stayed at the top end.

Yes. That's right. Yeah, she stayed at the top end. Now, do you, does word spread and kids go in and act nervous? You know what I mean? Like it's like, oh, I'm so nervous. I'm so anxious.

I'm not sure, but when I talked to my friends years, years later, when we were in our 20s and the dentist had long retired, everybody had the same story. Wow. Wow. You know, and I thought, well, is this just me? You know? And down in her 20s, the guys are all like,

did you go to Dr. Stone? Wow. Yes, I did. You know, honestly, she should be arrested. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. This is going to fall under the file of those were different times. Yes, yes, yes.

Because that is, it's a bit of child abuse. Uh-huh. You know? Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, I mean, I understand. it's a bit of child abuse, you know. Yeah. Well, I mean, I understand. I understand you wouldn't have turned her in, but still, as an adult, she should have known better. Is that where it happened today?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Get your boobs out of my eyes, woman. Exactly. Just slap the tits out. Get them out.

This is a cleaning, you know. Alright, Tom. Well, thank you for calling. You're welcome, sir. Alright, have a good one. Alright, Christina. Christina, are you there? Christina's calling in from Fresno. Yes, I am.

Hi. Hello. How's things in Fresno? Um, just about as you'd imagine. Okay. Alright. You know, I imagine it just being, you know, an agricultural bounty all the time. Lots of strawberries.

Yeah, that's it. Well, tell us your story, Christina. Dylan and I are waiting. So, when I was younger, I did a six week internship in Italy, speaking of visiting foreign countries. I have the luck of visiting the hospital three times in my short visit. Wow. And were they all from the same thing or are you just very accident prone? Apparently I am. The first week we were walking through some vineyards and I was studying wine and I was bit by some sort of miraculous, you know, Italian spider that made my leg blow up. Oh wow. By the dinner plate on one spot. Yeah. wine. And I was bit by some sort of miraculous, you know, Italian spider that made my leg blow up.

The dinner plate on one spot. Yeah. So I sat in the hospital for an entire afternoon, which was basically the entire day. And the doctor did some tests and she took lots of pictures on her iPhone. And the translator was telling me, you know, she's got to take these, you know, it is what it is. And then she prescribed me with what is essentially Italian Benadryl. And the translator tells me later that she was taking the photos to send to her doctor friends to laugh. Well, I mean, Italian doctors. Yeah.

There's part of me that thinks like, they should have withheld that part of it, but I also kind of like it. Yeah. I also sort of like, I like have withheld that part of it. But I also kind of like it. Yeah. I also sort of like, I like the honesty. Yeah. Yeah. That's very much the Italian way, I think. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Because I think I would do that as a doctor. Dylan, you would see every malady on my phone, and I'd be happy to show you. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I would love to see. You're welcome.

So then what was the next time? So the second week, we traveled to the southern part of Italy and I was moving into an apartment and unfortunately I was walking down a staircase in the dark and I fell and I fractured my ankle. Oh. And I don't know if you would know this, but they don't really have a whole heck

of a lot of ice in Italy. Oh wow. So I basically had to suffer with no ice with a fractured ankle. And a beautiful Italian man came and helped me down the stairs and took me to the hospital where I sat for an entire day, sunup to sundown, waiting for an x-ray. And the doctors told me to tell me that they were very happy to tell me that it wasn't broken and that I could get a cast, but then I would have to come back before I left

to get through customs with the cast off. So they'd have to take the cast off before I left. Oh. Oh man. So they didn't have- They also don't believe in regular crutches in Italy. They had polio crutches. Oh, the ones that like clip around your forearm. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow. Wow. Now wait, they didn't have any sort of like Velcro boots or I mean, how many years ago is this? Without dating yourself, you know? This is 2015. Oh, okay. Okay. They don't have Velcro boots

or are you just in a rural area or something? You know, sometimes I'm like Europe's free healthcare healthcare is that's so cool, but then there's this Yeah, there's this these situations. Yeah, I think if you're in Stuttgart, it's good Yeah, but maybe not, you know, you know in Positano Wrap it up with some a sandwich eventually I found a boot at a pharmacy But they didn't really help me much at the hospital. Yeah. Oh, man.

And they didn't sell gel ice packs? Dad is taking over. Problem solving dad is on the phone with you going like, well, honey, I know about the real ice, but get a gel pack. Yeah, luckily my roommate was a softball player, an Italian softball player, and she had the can of spray ice. Oh, yeah.

Right, just free on, like just open in the air conditioner. Just, you know, liquid nitrogen. Yeah, yeah. That should do it. So I'm pretty sure I still owe her some cans of that. Yeah, yeah. And then what was the third one? You still had a broken leg when you had to go back?

Yeah, so I suffered for the rest of the trip. I lost a ton of weight, it was great. But I had to move into an apartment with an elevator because, you know, legs. Right. And I had a dirty hippie roommate from Oregon. Oh, dirty hippies. And I had to go through a stomach flu. And wait, say it again? And I was, Gave you stomach flu? He gave me the stomach flu. a dirty hippie roommate from Oregon. Oh, dirty hippies.

And wait, say it again? Gave you stomach flu? He gave me the stomach flu. Oh, oh, those hippies. Come on, Opal. I had to go a third time before I left. Oh my god. And what did they do for you then?

Go like, oh, yes, it's a cold diarrhea. That was helpful. Deal with it. They were actually a lot more helpful then. They spoke English, so it was a little nicer. But it was the same hospital, so I'm sure they got sick of seeing me. Well, I'm glad you're better now.

Me too. And now you're back in our fine, sterling U.S. healthcare system. And I'm sure the Fresno Municipal Hospital can deal with these things better than- Fresno General. Yeah can deal with these things better than Fresno General. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. All right, Christina. Well, thanks for the call. Thanks, guys. Love you, Sean. Thank you so much. Thank you. Next up, we have Ewan from Philadelphia.

Hey, hello. How are you? Doing well. It's springtime out here in Philly. Oh, it's rainy here today. It's delightful. Now we got close, we got almost filled in California weather this week. Oh good, that's beautiful. That's good. Lucky y'all. And Philadelphia, so it's, it's uh you can beat each other up without jackets on.

That's true. Yeah. Makes it easier to climb up the grease poles. The grease poles. Right, right. Although the grease is looser. When it's cold, the grease is congealed. That's right. Yeah, yeah. So tell us about your story. So, when I was in the Air Force in the early 1980s, we had to go over to Saudi Arabia for

the day I ran Iraq where we were doing some radar reconnaissance. And I had to get a vaccine before I was going over there. And so I get to the doctor's office and he says, well, we're going to give on the job training to our young guy. And they get out the manual and they're reading from the manual line by line. Now, like any normal person, I don't really like getting shots. He's making out and I'm just sitting there scared, you know, scared

as hell, but you can't like root revealed that you got to act like, you know, you're, you're not, you're not like, you're a soldier. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Plus I didn't want to freak the guy out, you know? Yeah. Yeah. But I was sitting there reading line by line, oh, now apply the, the, uh, alcohol to the cotton ball and now wipe the skin with the cotton ball. Uh, you know how like if you're a car accident, you know time seems to like slow down

Well, that was what it was like like oh my god just get this thing over with you know, and they're just doing it one line One at a time and I'm just thinking yeah I got it. I got act cool on behalf of this guy and not do something that screws up my own arm. Yeah. Yeah. You know, and I was at the time I was just a two striper. So I didn't have any kind of clout, but say, Hey, look, can you do this with somebody else?

Yeah. Yeah. Just gotta sit there and take it. I just never forgot that, you know, this was just such a scary experience, but you just sit there and you have to take it. So, did you eventually get the shot? Yeah, yeah, they did it. The whole thing eventually was over.

It seemed like it was a half an hour. It was probably only five minutes, but yeah. And what was the vaccine for, just out of curiosity? You know, I forget now. I actually still have the little yellow military card that they had. I couldn't forget that after that. I forget, but we were going to Saudi Arabia

on the Persian Gulf. And just to stay there for a couple months. Some special. It was a mobile radar. Sand flu. Mobile radar, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah.

Some kind of weird thing. Yeah. That I never had to get again. Well good. Yeah. Good. Yeah, no, just you gotta, I have to be a Karen about it. Ask for the manager.

Yeah. Ask for Beasts, you know, you have, yeah. That's what I would do actually. Yeah, or just how about give it to me and I'll just, I mean I've had enough shots that I kind for beasts, you know, you have, yeah, that's what I would do actually. Yeah, or just, how about give it to me and I'll just, I mean, I've had enough shots that I kind of under, like there's not a lot of complications to it. Yeah. You know, like, yeah, you swab it, you dry it,

you stick the needle in. Yeah, yeah. Like how difficult can it be? I always thought that, over the years I started to think, well, were these just guys that were messing with me? Cause you would think that somebody who's working in that field probably went through a tech school. Yeah, yeah.

And had to learn to do that kind of stuff. Right, right. Yeah. So... Or practice on a rubber arm before they got to you. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a 19 year old two striper that's probably sitting there, let's mess with this guy. Right.

Yeah. All right, well Ewan, thank you so much for the call. Enjoy the weather. Yeah it's very nice. Oh good good. Thank you. All right we're at 855-266-2604. Give us a call. We want to hear from you. We want to hear about your trauma because that's we we thrive on it. Oh yeah. Trauma dump on us please. Yeah. Um I'm trying to think if I have any any good ones I you know the only thing I really have doctor or dentist wise is I had it when I moved out here to Los Angeles I got a new dentist that had been recommended to me by my previous dentist, my New York dentist.

And up to that point, and I was, I was in my mid to late thirties at the time, I guess, and I had only had one cavity my entire life. I had one filling in my mouth. And I went to this doctor and I was like, again, like I was a bit like our previous caller. I was just like, oh, okay. Cause they, he said to us, or he said to me,

we have this new technology. It's like a sonar kind of probe to check for cavities as opposed to just the needle, you know, like the metal thing that they poke in and feel. And he was like, we have found 11 spots in your mouth that are gonna need fillings. And they're not cavities yet, but they're gonna need fillings.

And I was like, okay. Rather than going, wait a minute, that seems crazy. And I trusted him because it was my old dentist. And so I went and got 11 fillings. And one of them, he drilled too far down and I basically just it caused my tooth to go kind of like the root to eventually rot and I couldn't I just had to deal with It until it showed up on an x-ray and then get a root canal, but it was like five months. Yeah But it was like five months of mind-bending pain.

I've had that too, where a dentist fucked up my surgery and then the root dies and it's one of the most painful things. And they're like, yeah, we can't do it yet. We have to wait until it shows up on an x-ray because they're just taking your word for it that it hurts. And also the pain would like go to different places in my jaw. Oh yeah.

And there was twice I had to pull over to the side of the road because the pain would like go to different places in my jaw. Oh yeah. And there was twice I had to pull over to the side of the road because the pain was so bad that I just had to sit and close my eyes. No, for like months I was just like tiling on, tiling on. Yeah, yeah. It's horrible. I ended up though, I did go,

and this is, I had acupuncture and it helped. I had like a tooth that was rotting in my head. And so acupuncture, you know, I'm not like, not a big sort of non-traditional medicine person, but I mean, I had a rotten tooth and acupuncture made it feel better for a couple of days at a time. So, you know, that's pretty good.

That's good. I tried acupuncture for emotional healing and it didn't work. It didn't work. I guess it's only for the physical stuff. That's good. I tried acupuncture for emotional healing and it didn't work. It didn't work, yeah. I guess it's only for the physical stuff. I think so. Yeah, because I tried hypnosis for the emotional stuff. Me too.

No, I think hypnosis, I'm not sure. No, no. I mean, it's good for party tricks, I guess. Yeah. But I don't think it works for real problems. All right, let's go back to the phones. Again, we're at 855-266-2604. We got Taylor calling in from Virginia.

Hey Andy, hey Dylan, how are you all? Good, how are you? Good. Dylan, well, thank you. So I guess get to my stories real quick. Great, yes. Yeah, please. Cool.

So my best friend Burke is a doctor. This is just a little side story. And I fell in the James River, which isn't known to be the cleanest. And like, this is just how all dry humor doctors are. It's like, actually my best friend, I was like, Burke, I got caught in the river, I think I'm gonna die. And then his text back was, yes, Taylor,

you are gonna die. Okay, well we all do. Thank you, Dr. Burke. Yeah, yeah. He goes, well we all do. Thank you, Dr. Burke. Yeah, yeah. He goes, fuck you, Burke. But the real story I wrote about was, one time a couple years ago, I had a panic attack, and to the point where I thought,

I should go talk to somebody about this. Okay, it's already funny. I go to the doctor. Yeah, thank you. So I go to the doctor and I'm sitting there and he knocks on the door and I say, come in, which is like first weird thing. But then he sits down and he asked me like, what happened?

And I was like, I'm sad. And his response was, no way, me too. Wow. I like him. I like him. Good. Yeah, yeah. Are we bonding right now? Wow. And like him. Are we bonding right now? Wow. And then he did ask me, he's like, what happened? I was like, sir, I, uh,

I got dumped recently and I'm really sad. And his wife, his, his response was no way. My wife just filed for divorce. Oh my God. A competition almost. This is like a plot line of freaking. You should have charged him. Wow This is like a plan line of free you should charge him yeah Yeah, I asked how he was doing and he told me all about his life and his eyes were red from crying and so were mine So it was a good good event. Well now is he it what kind of doctor was he? Just a general practitioner. Okay, yes. You should have gone to a psychiatrist.

Or was this to get a referral to a psychiatrist? Did you have to do that? First step, referral. Right, right. Yeah, that whole thing was weird. I was like, hey, I'm in your space. Why are you knocking on the door? Yeah.

And then we just trauma bonded for a little bit. Was this in Virginia? I was like, hey, I'm in your space. Why are you knocking on the door? Yeah. And then we just trauma bonded for a little bit. Was this in Virginia? Yeah. Cause that's, it sounds, it sounds so, cause having had tons and tons of therapy, there is a difference between, I found between Los Angeles therapy and New York therapy.

Oh yeah. And in Los Angeles therapy, you get a lot of, well, let me tell you about what I went through from the therapist. Oh yes, because they were their actors kind of. Yeah, I don't know what it is whether they're trying to get you, you know, relate to you or get you to understand that you're not alone. But in New York there's none of that shit. Like you know, I've had the same therapist for like 25 years and I barely know anything about him and I love it. No, that's how it should be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought we were going to go out for drinks afterwards. Well, yeah, maybe you made a friend, you know, that was the prescription you needed. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Absolutely. Here's some glucose and some friendship. All right, Taylor. Well, I hope you're better now.

Of course. Thanks. Thanks, y'all. No problem. Thanks for calling. Thanks for calling. All right. Next up, Michael.

Michael's calling from Mississippi. Michael, Dylan and I are here. We're ready to help. Yeah. Yes. I need much help with my dental problems. Oh, good. Yeah.

Yeah. So my aversion to the dent, well, the story is about Novocaine, but I didn't know about Novocaine when I was young. Yeah. So I had to have a molar pulled when I was in high school and we didn't have much money. And so my mom never mentioned, we can give you gas. And so it was a rotten molar and he pulled and he pulled and he let it go. And you know the molar roots really, really long. Yeah. So just surging pain and then he grabbed it again and he pulled it and he let it go again and he finally got this rotten tooth out. So you know this is just with novocaine. This is just novocaine, but you can still feel it.

No, no, this is... No, this is with the shots and I can still feel everything. Okay. Oh. So, no novocaine. Wow. Wow. Oh, it was awful.

Yeah, it was awful. But the novocaine story, I had to have some work done as an adult and I went to a low-cost dental place. Yes. And they said, do you want the gas? I said, oh, of course. How much? It was like $35.

So they're like, yeah, give it to me. Yeah, give it to me twice. I got 70. Yeah. Yeah. And so this isn't the fanciest place. And so they cut the gas on and you can see the canister and it's right behind me in the chair.

Right. And one out of 10, you know, they put it on a four and the lady just walks out and said, I'll be back in 15 minutes. And okay. I turn around and it's within arm's reach and I just crank that thing up to about eight or nine. Oh boy Michael. Living life on the extreme. She noticed what did she say? Oh oh oh she didn't say a damn thing. Oh did she turn it back down to four? See, I don't think she did.

I really think she just, just let me ride that on out. Yeah. Let you stew in your own juice. Mm hmm. Well, what happened? I mean, did, were you, you know, did you shit yourself? Yeah. What, what happened to you?

Yeah. No, it wears anything. It all wears off, you know, within 10 minutes of them cutting it off. Right. But your brain is not the same. No, no, of course not. But it was the one and only enjoyable dental experience. Oh, wow. Oh, well, good for you.

Oh, well, thank you, thank you. Good for you. Well, thanks for calling. Thanks for calling, Michael. Thank you, Andy. All right, bye-bye. I had, were you young? You haven't right, bye bye. I had, have you ever, were you young? You haven't had to have a colonoscopy, have you?

Yeah, yeah, I got my first one when I was 50. And, you know, they give you like a Twilight sleep thing. And Conan, then later told me, he was like talking about it. And, you know, Conan's pretty clean. He's a good boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He told me, he said, oh my god. Because what happens is you have to,

you take a bunch of stuff and then you clean out your system, which is unpleasant. And then you go, and usually in the morning, because you can't eat, and then you wake up and you feel, you have that post-opiate sort of glow. And then you go have a nice big breakfast and it's fantastic. And he's describing it to me and he goes like,

oh, and I felt so great after it. He goes like, it was just, I was, and I was like, yeah Conan, that's drugs. That's called drugs. Yeah, when you hear people, then they was like, yeah Conan, that's drugs. That's called drugs. Yeah, when you hear people, then they say like, oh I'm addicted to drugs. It's because of that. Because they're great.

And he's like, oh, okay. Oh wow, I like that. His first foray into drugs is through colonoscopy. Right, exactly. So yeah, you have that to look forward to. I'm very excited. Yeah, yeah. You're years and years away, though.

Years and years I might request ketamine for the surgery, but you know. Sure, yeah, get the Tesla version. That's what I'm thinking. Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was clean as a whistle. I don't have to go back till I'm 60. They gave me a 10-year reprieve.

That is beautiful. I am so proud of my clean rectum. That is amazing. Well, it's really, it's more, it's my colon, I guess. Yeah, yeah, that's really the clean part. That is a source of pride. Put that in the bio. I didn't really try.

I mean, I don't know what I did, but it's just, it's very, it's beautiful. It's just the way you remember. Yeah. And I remember too, at the time I posted pictures of it online because they give you stills. And my ex-wife was yelling at me and I was like, listen, it's my colon. I'll show it. It's pink and shiny and wonderful. I don't care that my follower count went down by three million. Yes. That's, yeah. I don't want those people they're not the real fans. The real fans want it all. 855-266-2604. Althea, she knew that number and she dialed it. How are

you? Is it Althea or Alethea? It's Alethea. Alethea, I'm sorry. Hi. Hi Alethea, how are you? Hi. Good. I'm doing well, I love you guys. Thank you so much. We love you Tell us about your doctor story. Okay. I had a weird one. This is back when I was in my early 30s I was still you know young and cute and whatnot. Oh, you still We will not let you talk about our friend Aletheaia like that. Yeah. You're still young and cute. Oh, thank you. I do appreciate that. You're welcome.

No negative self-talk, right? That's right. That's right. Both in therapy and a little trauma bonding. That's right. Perfect. So I had gone to the doctor and I think I was having like a heart palpitation or something. Of course, I had convinced myself with something, you know, horrible.

And I went into the doctor's office, the nurse comes in and she puts on all those little electrodes on you. And they're going to do an EKG. And I'm waiting for the doctor to come in and I'm reading a magazine, you know, whatever they have in there was like Martha Stewart or something. And I was looking at the recipes and there was this recipe for barbecue. The doctor comes in and he is a little, he's an odd guy to start with. I had seen him, I bring my kids there, was a family doctor.

And we're chit chatting and he says, oh, what's going on? And I said, oh, I'm having this issue. And then he goes, oh, what are you reading? And I said, oh, just the magazine that was in here. And I said, but these ribs look really good. And then he says to me, just kind of under his breath and like as an aside, as he turns away and he goes, I'd like to eat your ribs.

And I wasn't sure if I heard what I heard. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. It was the weirdest thing. And he had really said that. He had said, yeah, I'd like to eat your ribs. It was a very odd moment. It was very kind of Hannibal Lecter-ish. Yeah. Yeah.

And to this day, I still don't really know what he meant but the way he, the intonation, just how it flowed out of him, it was a very, I'm sure my heart rate like spiked pretty. Maybe, maybe he was trying to recreate the palpitations. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe for research. It was therapeutic. Yeah. Yeah. So he could be sure. So he didn't just have to take your word for it. Yes. Yeah.

Well, I figured we should probably get a new doctor from that point on. Yeah, did you call it off? On a carving table. Did you call it off from that point? Like, was it no more of that doctor? Yeah, no more of that doctor. Yeah.

We changed doctors. We went to a female doctor. I figured, well, maybe they're less cannibalistic. Well, you would be surprised. You would be surprised. Yeah? I know. Human flesh is delicious, regardless of what sex you are.

I mean, have you seen Yellow Jackets, the show? Yes, Yellow Jackets. Yeah, don't look at that if you want to not think that women don't eat people. That's right. Representation. Yeah. All right, Alethea. Thank you for letting me get my trauma out.

Thank you. No, thank you for telling. Thank you for telling us. Yeah, that is kind of weird. That is very crazy. You know what I'm learning? Anyone can really be a doctor. Anyone can.

Yes, yes. And you also, too, it's like the thing about, like, yeah, you can go to a Anyone can. Yes, yes. And you also too, it's like the thing about like, yeah, you can go to a different doctor. Oh yeah. Like I had to, I fired a doctor here because he, I went, because you go for a physical, you go like for the first time and you get all the blood drawn and all the stuff.

And then you come back and you get the results blood drawn and all the stuff and then you come back and you get the results and he does the physical exam. So there's like days in between. So I went back to his office, which is in Beverly Hills. I went back for the results part and he sat and talked to me and told me at least three times, I'm not a star fucker, but here let me tell you about and then would name a famous person that he had.

Oh my God, that he had sex with? No person that he had a patient. Oh my God, that has had sex with? No, that he was a patient. Oh, okay. That's like his patients. Like that is, you know, I'm like, when I went to see, like I would see like Richard Lewis and Anne Margaret in his office. And you know, so there was like lots of stars in this doctor's office. But he sat there and this nurse finally, just kept talking and talking and talking,

just shooting the breeze with me. His nurse came in and said, you know, Mrs. So-and-so is here and she really needs to see you. And he said to me, he said like, gosh, we've talked too long. Can you come back sometime and we can finish this up? What?

And I was like, sure, sure, yes. I mean, I don't like, I'm not very confrontational, but I was like, okay, I will come back and it will be the last time. That is ridiculous. We see each other, yes. I mean, like, he probably is talking about you too. Yeah, well, go ahead. I don't care.

Yeah. I don't care. What's there to say? I know. And I'm sure that's illegal, right? You can't say your patients. I don't care. What's, you know, what's there to say? I know. And I'm sure that's illegal, right? You can't say your patients. I don't know. Is that? Yeah, but I don't remember it being anything particularly like any particular HIPAA violation. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And also Richard Lewis, I don't think you could say anything about Richard Lewis's health that he didn't say on stage. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was very divulged a lot sure sure

855 266 2604 Andy Richter Collins show Todd Hello, Todd Todd Collins from Ontario. Is that Ontario, California or Ontario, Canada? No, that's northern Ontario, mr. Richter So Canada. Yeah, that's right Oh, that's Northern Ontario, Mr. Richter. Uh, so Canada. Yeah, that's right. Oh, the better one.

I said California. Yeah, yeah, because there's an Ontario, California, which I would have been less impressed with. Because this, now it's, the show is international. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Absolutely. And by the way, tell all the Canadians we're sorry.

It's not us. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that's going to cut it. I'm sorry. Well, that's okay. Oh, I get it. Well then fine, you don't get your Jack Daniels then. So tell us about your medical story. Well, it happened when I used to work at a bakery.

Okay. You're familiar with the meat slicers, you know those regular meat slicers. Oh, am I? Oh, don't I know them. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So when you're cleaning those things,

you wanna make sure the blade is centered to the guard. If it's off even just by a millimeter, and you're wiping it down with your fingers, you're going to find out. And no, I know that. Yes. You can slice the tip of the knife. Fuck up and find out. Oh, you sliced the whole like, like the pad of it off? It was on an angle.

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't like the very tip, the top of it, but like a big chunk. Right. Like your fingerprints. And yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just it, but like a big chunk. Right. Like your fingerprints. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. A little bit, but yeah, exactly right there at the tip of it.

And like the bakery kitchen that I was running, uh, it was like all white tile and stainless steel. Yeah, that would have been striking. To get, yeah, by the time it took me to get that little bit on ice, he wrapped up in paper towel and like my hand wrapped up, like it was like a murder scene back there. Oh wow. They basically fainted and I drove myself to the hospital.

Yeah. It was like they just were not in the state to do it or anything like that. And so like I was a little dizzy. I had skipped lunch. I was, you know, I'd lost a little bit of blood and you know, I don't, I don't love that kind of thing. Right. But I got to the hospital, the little towns, I got in real quick and the doctor said, okay, the reason you're bleeding like, like crazy and it's spraying out, uh, because there's an artery or vein or whatever there. Yeah. Uh,

you know, that's, that's the thing they said, like, you can't get stitches. We've got to cauterize. Oh, wow. And they said they said you want a needle or two for pain? Now like well, maybe just cauterize it want a needle or two like her just as much. Yeah So they ended up cauterizing it I thought that was neat a little laser with like a Like the unit was like the size of my thumb. Just a little handheld laser And that's that's when the disturbing thing happened. Have you guys ever smelled burning human flesh? Yes.

It smells really, really delicious actually. It really does. I was more than a little disturbed how much I wanted some of it. Have you seen the show Yellow Jackets? That's amazing. I have not, but I just heard the last guest. Yeah, yeah.

I was like wow. It's one of the many sub-themes. Yeah. Yeah. That was the second time I'd smelled myself burning like that. And I thought the first time just, you know, I didn't. I thought that was like a false memory.

Yeah. I was a little drunk at the time. I gotta admit, I burned my hand on the stove when some of the boys were doing hot knives there. Yeah. This second time, I was like, wow, that's like barbecue, it's delicious. Did you comment to the doctor? Did you say, have you noticed how delicious that smells?

We did talk about it. I had a root canal once and when he was drilled, whatever you call it, the dental surgeon was drilling and drilling and drilling. And then there was a point where he obviously broke through and it was like I walked into a cheese shop, like the smell, like you could smell like this putrid smell. And my mouth is pried open, so I can't say anything. So he finishes what he's doing

and gets the temporary on there and I'm done. And he's a really great old oral surgeon. And I said something, I said, did I imagine, I said, or did I smell it when you got through to the infection? He went, oh, you smelled it. Like, oh, I'm excited. And you could tell that it was like

one of his favorite parts. Like, he's like, yeah, yeah, oh no, you can smell it when you get to it. That's called mudstur. Yeah, exactly. That's called a camembert. That's my camembert moment. Dang. So, all right, well, Todd, I hope that you didn't, you never turned to, uh,

you know, cannibalism, did you? Well, you never know what's gonna happen in the future. I advertise in New York. Never say never. Yeah, yeah, you're in Northern Ontario. American invasion. Yeah, you're in Northern Ontario. You can probably get away with a lot up there.

Oh yeah. No, there's not enough people. It's really hard to get away with a lot. Oh, well. Okay. All right. Well, thanks for the call, Todd. Thank you, Todd. Hey, you guys have a good one.

You too. Mm, the smell of burning flesh. Burning flesh. call, Todd. Thank you, Todd. Hey, you guys have a good one. You too. Mm, the smell of burning flesh. Burning flesh. Yeah, yeah. I did smell it from I witnessed both of my children being born by C-section. And in the second one, there was like a, the incision was made with like some sort of laser knife.

And you could hear a sizzle and see smoke rising from it. Yeah, yeah. And there is a smell? And there was like, yeah, there was like a kind of, you know, cooked meat kind of smell. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. So it really is like hibachi kind of.

I mean, I wouldn't, you know, I don't know if I would call it delicious, but it definitely was not, It wasn't like burning hair, which is an awful smell. Totally. But it was just kind of like, oh, okay, yeah. Okay, wow. That's what human skin smells like when it's burning.

That's very interesting. And that child's now in Boston at college. Congratulations. Congratulations to all of us. Next up, we got Brian from Los Angeles. Hey, how's it going? Good. How are you, Brian? Good. I'm hanging in there, man. I was afraid my story was going to put people off from their lunch, but some of the stories so far- Listen, if anybody eats their lunch during this show, that's on them. You know what I mean?

Yeah. It's going to be in a podcast feed in a couple days. Listen to it late at night or something. Yeah. So my story takes place late 90s, five, six years after I moved to LA. And I'm in the apartment I'm in now, actually. I've been living here a long time and I needed to get a new dentist because I'd moved from Worms County and then didn't want to you

know keep me all the way back there to go to the dentist. I guess I need a new dentist but I didn't have a car at the time so I was trying to figure out like if I could find a place nearby that I could walk to and I live in the Miracle Mile area and there's like a lot of buildings up on Wilshire and stuff. So I finally located a dentist. I made an appointment. It was a Russian name and I was like oh this will be interesting. I don't know any Russian doctors or any dentists or anything so this will be fun. As fun as the dentist can be, I guess. And so I walked to my appointment,

I'm standing in the reception window and I'm filling out, you know, they got the clipboard and filling out all the stuff. And I look past the receptionist into the office and there's a bunch of file cabinets and stuff back there. And there's a guy in a white dental coat, who I assume is going to be my dentist. And he's picking his nose. No, boy.

Oh, he's got his, he's got his finger all the way up. I mean, it was like, he was digging for gold or something. Wow. And I was just thinking, ah, that finger is going to be in my mouth soon. And I kind of was like, oh my God. And I was kind of like starting to sweat, you know? And then eventually I was taken back to one of those little rooms, you know, and sit in the chair and I was waiting for the dentist to show up and I was thinking, what am I going to do? Am I going to say anything to this guy? Am I going to say,

did you wash your hands or, or, you know, I was kind of like turning it over in my mind. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say. And then finally the dentist walks in and it's a different guy. And I was like, oh, yeah, oh boy. So I feel like a doxer bullet there, like yeah or some other appropriate metaphor yeah you dodged a booger. Like years later I did get a really great dentist in Toluca Lake and I was waiting in the waiting room there and Phil Spector walked in with a bodyguard. He was in prison at the time. Wow. He was with a bodyguard and a prison guard, and they had let him out to go do this dental stuff.

And that was pretty exciting because that was kind of interesting to see, like Phil Spector and the flesh. I didn't know that they let that, that they let murderers just, you know, was this while he was on trial or after he was? Yeah, no, this was, he was already in prison and he'd been, you know, the first trial I think was a mistrial and the second trial he'd been convicted. So he was already in prison.

And they, I don't know, I would have thought that the dentists do house call kind of things. Yeah, or maybe they have a prison dentist. things. Yeah. Or maybe they have a prison dentist. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, Phil Spector gets his way. So, you know, he, he came, uh, he came with a whole entourage of guards and stuff. Wow. Wow. Did you strike up a conversation with him? I did say hi to him because I actually had a connection to him. I worked at a record label and my boss at the record label knew Phil Spector. And I had actually talked to his secretary on the phone once. And so I

kind of dropped her name and I dropped my boss's name and he kind of looked up like, oh, you know, this is like a legit guy, you know, like, yeah, he wasn't allowed to talk. He was, you know, the guard pushed me away. Oh, wow. Wow, wow. Anyway, so... You just do a murder like, okay, small coincidence. I know someone who you know. Good luck.

Yeah, yeah. And I know about murders. I've heard about murder. I wish I had 10 minutes alone. and, you know, uninterrupted. Yeah, yeah. I didn't even know if I was, I just started walking towards him to say, hey, I know somebody that you know, that kind of thing. And the guard immediately stood up and started coming towards me and was like, oh, okay, hold on.

Wow. Yeah. I'm not trying to do anything. Yeah, just, yeah, come on. It's not fair to people to take Phil Spector out in public and then not let you get a little taste of Phil Spector. I know. Yeah. Not fair at all.

If I saw Charles Manson. I don't know if you noticed, Andy, he used to have these bowling parties every year on his birthday. And they were kind of like a big deal in the music business. Where did he have them? In Burbank? That might have been that one by the stables in Burbank.

At Pickwick, yeah, yeah. It's all torn down now. But yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. So he had big bowling parties? He had big bowling parties. And several of my friends have gone to it. I actually can't remember now if it was Pickwick, but it was in the LA area somewhere local.

Burbank's local to me. I never got a chance to go to one of those, but several of my friends that went say they were a lot of fun. Wow. Wow. And he was just like, he liked the bowl, I guess. Wow. That was one of his hobbies in addition to guns and-

Right, I was going to say, if he didn't pick up a spare, he just shot at it. He just emptied his gun into the pins. That's right. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Phil Spector. Oh, Phil Spector. Oh, Phil Spector. We didn't get enough of you.

Well, we did. We got plenty of Phil Spector. All right, well, thanks for the call. Absolutely. All right, we'll talk to you later. All right, we got time for one more. Steve, Steve from Syracuse. Hey, Andy, hey, Dylan.use. Hey Andy, hey Dylan.

Hello. How you doing? I'm doing good, how are you guys? Good, good. I'll try to not get long-winded here. Okay. I've got another awkward moments with weird doctor story. 10 years ago on the way to work,

go to the gym before work, about halfway, it's about a half hour drive in, halfway there, I have the most out of body weird like existential dread experience as I'm driving that I probably should have pulled over, but I just couldn't, I just didn't know what was happening. Something was going on in my body and I didn't know what was happening. So kept going, kept going, get to the gym, parked the car. I still get shaky talking about it because it was so intense. And all I can describe it as is the complete lack of the ability to feel any emotion, just blank, not depressed, not sad, just nothing, flat, nothing. Wow.

And it was frightening. It was just, just shocking, right? So I'm sitting there in the, in the, in the car, just like, what is, what is this? Like what's happening to me? And I was aware enough to think like, God, if this is if this is depression, I'm screwed. There's no way I'm going to live with this. This is crazy. So I had enough wherewithal, I guess, just to get out, go to the gym, went to the first treadmill I saw,

drop my stuff, and started running. And it it was like someone pulled a blanket off my head, completely back to normal. Fine. Everything's normal. Like I was freaking out, just couldn't believe it. So everything was fine. I did not have any episodes since then. Fast forward six months. I'm going to my annual physical, go through the blood work, come back for the consult, do the exam, everything's normal. I've been with this doctor five years probably at that point. And so tell me, tell me, tell me about, you know, your, if any, is anything new happening? Have you, have you had any problems? Yada, yada. And I go in and tell them exactly what I just told you guys.

I had this crazy experience. And it was like a month later? This is six months later. Oh, six months later, okay. Yeah. And of course I should have went in right away, but I just, I felt good. So it was just a weird, weird thing.

And I was, I was training for a sprint triathlon. So I'm running, I'm cycling and I'm swimming and I'm eating like a, you know, idiot. Yeah. Um, like not eating like just like training and protein, just that. Oh, sure. Sure. So, so who knows what was going on chemically in me. Yeah. And, um, anyhow, he goes, so I explained it to him and he's just looking at me real thoughtfully and I get done and he waits a beat And he sees he lays this on me. He said Steve Man is in a battle with good and evil and that may have been God showing you what hell looks like No, boy, and he and that was it nothing said nothing else and I'm just looking at him like are you fucking kidding me? Oh

My god what you got not not chemical and balance not what did you eat? Yeah, yeah, I just like I didn't know whether to laugh or be angry or so. I just said well That's something I hadn't thought about yeah And did you continue going to that doctor? You know, I went to him for one more year and my wife's a nurse and she goes, you cannot go back to him. It's kind of malpractice and it's kind of a horrible bedside manner. Right, right.

And I was kind of afraid. I didn't know what he was thinking. Like, I don't know what, how do you say that to somebody? Right. Anyhow, that's- Say he's right. It's like, oh, so like I got a glimpse of hell. Like you got a glimpse of hell.

Yeah. Oh, okay, thanks. What do I take for that, doc? Exactly. What do I do now, doc? Yeah, yeah. Where should I head now? It was just insane. Right. And I just, I It was just it was just insane, right?

Just I'll never forget it and I so I got a new doctor. Well good good good I'm glad I told him the story I told him the story I don't know if this is like, you know what you want to hear But do you know why I left my old guy cuz no, I don't really don't want to tell me that's cool And I'm like, no, I've got to tell you. So he thought it was just crazy. Like, that's not, no one ever heard of that. Anyhow, that's my story. All right.

Well, thanks so much, Steve. Thanks for calling. Thank you, Steve. Thanks for taking my call. No problem. All right, Dylan, we're done. Wow. That's it.

We usually pick a favorite here. Okay. Let's see. I think, gosh, it's kind of hard. I mean the smell of burning flesh. Yeah, smell of burning flesh. And I would like to eat your ribs. Those are sort of like they are of a kind there.

Those are, I've never heard anything like that. I have to say my favorite is the Phil Spector situation. Yes. And being like, girl, we know people in common. Yes. Charles Manson, we know the same people. Right, trying to fight over the shoulder. Fight over the shoulder.

I know someone. I know someone who knows. Phil, we're practically brothers. Exactly. That might be my favorite. OK, yeah, I'm going to say that too. Anytime you mention Phil Spector in a story, I'm going to go for that.

Oh, yeah. Terrible person, but I can go for that. Oh yeah. Terrible person, but I can't help it. I love hearing about it. So anything you wanna plug, Dylan, before we go? I am gonna do a show in Los Angeles in April. Don't have the date yet, but keep your eyes peeled for that. Keep your eyes peeled.

Just Google Dylan Adler every day. Yeah. Until something happens. Thank you, yes. All right. All right. All right, well, that's it. We'll be back next week with Bobby Moynihan. And now I want you all to stick around for Stand Up on Conan

with Lori Kilmartin. This has been the Andy Ritchie Collins show. I'll be back next week. Thank you for listening. you