The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Edi Patterson (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: February 28, 2025

"The Righteous Gemstones" star Edi Patterson joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your JUVENILE DELINQUENT stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about small-town heists, Twinkie costumes, fun with kerosene, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio Alright, right up front I gotta tell you people I'm playing Hurt today Last week my voice was kinda fucked It's even worse now I gotta stop inhaling the cigars.

I gotta, it's that, it's that. And the fiberglass lozenges can't help either. No, I got some laryngitis thing. I'm on meds for it and stuff, folks. But, you know, my line lately has been that I, I'm up for the Suzanne Plachette story and that's why I'm like this. Because no one knows who Suzanne Plachette is anymore. Edie, you know who Suzanne Plachette is.

Well, I'm seeing a face in my head, but I'm wondering if I'm conflating it with something else. Like, beautiful with black hair? Yes. She was on the Bob Newhart show, the original Chicago Bob Newhart show. But she was fam- well Brenda Vaccaro too is famously cigarette-y voiced, you know. You're a little bit Tom Waits-y right now. Tom Waits-y?

Yeah. Yeah, see, I wish I- but I don't have the gravitas to pull it off. It's still like's still like you know Francis from peewee if he were a heavy smoker Francis yeah, my five-year-old told me you should have played him daddy. Oh, that's kind of awesome Yeah, I would if I will if they if I if I could have I would have Any guys I'm talking to Edie Patterson because Edie Patterson is our guest host today

and I'm very excited about that, very happy about that. You know her from Righteous Gemstones, Vice Principals. Knives Out, that must have been fun. Yeah, that was wild. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was like a murderers row. Yeah, yeah, no, but I mean, just like, you know, it's like, it's rare that just kind of straight comedy people,

oh, it's straight comedy, but you know what I mean? Like real comedy people get to go do a thriller kind of murder mystery thing like that. Totally. Yeah. Yeah, it was really, really fun. I think maybe you and I talked about this the last time I sat

with you but I think that anyone who's really good at comedy is also really good at drama. Absolutely. 100%. So yeah it all just kind of felt like the same thing. Yeah yeah. Yeah because it's all commitment and I mean. Totally. It just means what you say. Right right. And I mean it it could be, you know, it's just like a very shade of difference between like, you know, like, you know, how dare you? Like it's either drama or comedy, you know? It's the same thing.

You mean it, it could go either way. Well, we're talking today, oh, well, you know, first of all, let's talk about last season of Righteous Gemstones is coming up and what's your feelings around that? Well, thank God. No. Get away from those fuckers.

No. Absolutely zero percent of that feeling. I know, I know. I'm kidding. Mostly just really stoked and proud. I think it very well might be the best season yet. Yeah. But it's the end, right?

Yeah, it's our last season. And it was four altogether. Four altogether. Wow, yeah. It's such an impressive body of work right there. Just that, you know what I mean? Among anything else you do, it's like, Dude, thanks.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel really, really proud of it and I love it so much. And I'm kind of coming into the phase of time where I'm like can just feel nothing but Stoked and gratitude and yeah, but yeah initially when you go like, okay, that's the last one we're gonna do It's it's almost like crushing sadness. Yeah

Yeah, it is weird. It is weird. I mean, you know, I've been parts of things that, you know, obviously ended and it is, and it is, you do kind of get more used to it, but it's always like, oh, all right, okay. A little bit of a move on. But I always find that I appreciate the thing and I don't know how to change this. I always feel like I appreciate the thing so much more in retrospect.

Oh, interesting. You know what I mean? And I don't know, and I wish I could change that. I don't know if that's just part of the human condition or if it's part of my fucked up brain chemistry, but I always am like, ah, that was pretty good. And, but I remember while I was in it being sort of like, eh, it's okay, you know, and being kind of bitchy about it.

Right. I do think that's very human. This one, luckily, thank God, I never had that feeling where any part of me was blowing it off. No crabbiness. Oh, that's great. Like I always was just fully aware of how dope this was. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. I feel like that's a gift in and of itself because I do think it's really human to sort of, well, while you're in it. Yeah. But yeah, I never had that. And it is sort of, it is, you know, I'd like to be Pollyanna-ish about you. Like everything is so fantastic and nothing could be better. Like to me, I just, I'm like, I'm never going to be like that.

Yeah, and it's weird to be like that all the time. Yeah, it's weird to be like that. And when you meet people like that, you're like, what's your fucking deal? So yeah, but I just, it is something that I am trying. Took me only five or so decades to figure it out. But I am trying to be sort of more present in the things that I'm doing. And it's so great that you got to do that and just

have a positive, straight run through it. Yeah, I feel really lucky for that. Yeah, I felt very present with it and very like, oh my god, I can't believe we're getting to do this wild, wild shit. Absolutely. It's so fun. It is. It is one of the weirdest, most absurd, strangest, hilarious bananas thing that's on TV.

And it's big. Yeah. It's epic and huge. Yeah. Yeah. And I never had to hold back in any way. That's great. Yeah.

It was awesome. That's great. Well, today, we're talking about juvenile delinquent stories. And if you people out there have one, you can give us a call at 855-266-2604. I'm not a good subject for this because I was always terrified of being afraid or being caught being getting in trouble. I was really good too, but I learned pretty quick, like even with small things, that I would be the person to get caught.

I was a very, in quotes, good girl. Yeah, yeah. But even the lamest shit. Like, I remember my sister and I, at one point we had dog treats in our house. Yeah. And at one point I was like, we should taste these. We were very little. Uh-huh. And we tasted them and they tasted good to us. And so we took them around and had every kid on the block eat them. But then it was like so quickly a parent calling and I'm in trouble for giving out dog treats.

And like, yeah, stuff like that. So it was more like mishaps and things that would happen. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I would try sometimes. I never, I mean, you know, I would, I drank and you know, I wasn't like a complete choir boy, but I, but yeah, the whole notion of like, cause they were, and there was definitely,

it was just kind of a small school and there was definitely the burnouts and the Jocks. And not lots of other groups, like there wasn't theater kids. Got it. There wasn't like, I don't know, I guess there was kind of like some band kids, but they usually kind of fell into Jocks or Burnouts. Got it.

And there were some, like I sat next to a, I sat next to a kid in junior high, like eighth grade. So what are you like 12, 13, something like that. And he was like already 17. Like he'd been held back so many times. He was like 16 or he was driving. He had a car and he would drive to eighth grade.

Yo. And he had, car and he would drive to eighth grade. Yo! And he had, and I'd sit next to him, and he had on his arm a tattoo that he had given himself. Oh my god! And it was on underneath, it was like at what we called at the time a dooby, a burning dooby with like smoke lines coming up off of it. In eighth grade! In eighth grade. Dang!

And then on top it said, party. It was on his left arm. Whoa! Party, but by the time he got to the Y, it was kind of in the back of his arm, so it looks kind of more like part X on his arm. Which is also pretty daunting. Which yeah, like that's like a sci-fi story that he's waiting to write. But that guy, he was hilarious and he liked me.

Awesome. He liked me and he was like, he made a point to say, a lot of these jock kids are assholes, but you're all right. Awesome. You know, like you're funny and I like you. And he later, he later, he lived in an apartment complex that was next to a truck stop. And it was on a snowy day. He put on a rubber Halloween mask, brought a shotgun, walked across the field in the snow to the truck stop, held up the truck stop, walked back home in a straight line in the snow to get

into his apartment. And so they called the police and they're like, I'm not gonna say it's Jim. Jim just came in here and robbed us. And he literally left tracks to where he is right now. And he was still a minor, so he went to Juve. Oh my God. And the next time that anybody saw him was when he came back from Juve. And he's working at another gas station. And my friend goes in to fill up and you know like he goes in to pay for

his gas and there's nobody in the, he's like hello, hello and then Jim, this guy, he comes out of the back room and he goes like oh shit man, oh hey sorry, hey man does it smell like weed in here do you? No, no, no it doesn't. Alright cool. Alright yeah. Whoa. So yeah, I don't know whatever happened. I don't know what ever happened to that guy, but that was like, he was just like, I couldn't like I'd watch him and I would just like vibrate with nervousness about

like, how do you live? Yeah, there's one. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, and I'm sure like, I don't know. I would have just wanted to, like, stare at him and study him and, like, have him keep talking. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He also was one of those kids, too, that, like, when you were younger, he seemed giant.

And then as you got older, you're like, oh, no, he's actually quite demure. He's just a little fella. Yeah. Whoa. So well, everybody, that's my, I only have juvenile delinquent stories that happen to somebody else. So, but we got callers. Give us a ring 855-266-2604. We got Anthony from Kansas. What's up Anthony? You got Edie, you got Andy, what's up? Hello, Andy. Hello, Edie. It is

quite a pleasure to be speaking with you guys today. Thank you. I'm actually grinning ear to ear right now. I'm a huge fan of both of you. Edie especially, Righteous Gemstone's amazing. Vice Principal, even more amazing. I mean honestly, how do you do it? Thank Thank you dude, that's so nice. Yeah. Oh, should I tell my story? Yeah, yeah, that's what that's the whole point of the show buddy. It's not the butter up 80 hour. Well, so to begin,

what this all starts back in middle school, I had a best friend named Joseph would hang out at his house all the time. On Joseph Street, on the house on the corner, in their lawn sat a pig statue on a grassy throne. And it was like a two foot by three foot statue and the first time I laid eyes on it, I immediately knew I got to go take that pig. I need that pig. And so I'm talking to my friend Joseph and he doesn't tell me why I shouldn't do it.

He just tells me that I absolutely should not do it. So I heed his advice and years have passed. Joseph moves away. I just graduated high school, not even 18 yet. I'm sitting in my best friend's time, Liam's dad's basement, we're in their house, in his basement, they have this big projector screen. It's the coolest place to hang out. We're all sitting there. We just finished smoking a spliff. And so our minds are all right.

We are in a tobacco and weed crazed mindset and just slouching the couch about to play Halo for like the fifth time. Oh hell yeah. And all of a sudden it hits me. I was like, I stood up as if like I was shocked by lightning. I was like, guys, you want to go steal a pig? And they were shocked because they at first thought, oh, we're going to go steal an actual

pig? No, not an actual pig. It is a pig statue and it's a couple blocks away. Like the Liam's dad's house was like in the neighborhood next to Joseph. So we were hop, jump, skip away from this house. And I took them over there, showed them the pig and as soon as they saw it, everyone was all on board. We go back to Liam's dad's place. We throw up a map from Google Maps of that neighborhood up on the projector screen, and we start drawing our game plan.

Wow, so full on heist. Yes, yeah, like it is Mission Impossible at this point. And I was looking back over the photos of that night and you could see where it started. It started at like midnight and then it finished at 3 a.m. And how it all started, it started with the map and then we synchronized our watches because we were timing this thing perfectly. Because on the map we had the drop-off spot which was like a few houses around the corner from where the house with the pig. And me and my friend, we call him that, we had our watches synchronized, we were the snatchers,

and we synchronized it and planned it out to where by the time we got the pig and got to the curb on that corner, our getaway vehicle would be there. And everything was going so smoothly. When I tell you it could not have gone more perfect, it was going so smoothly. Until we go to pick up the pig,

and it is like over 100 pounds, 100 plus pounds. I could barely lift this thing up. Yep, the getaway vehicles here. And here I am thinking, shit, we're gonna get caught. So I don't know what was in me, but I threw that thing over my shoulder, sprinted as fast as I can, throw into the back of the truck, fall into it. As like I throw it, someone shuts the door.

We speed off. And I mean, we are on the highest of highs. We are thinking that we just robbed a bank and got away with five, the biggest jackpot and like a million dollars. And we are just, the rest of the night is a huge party and Then the next day comes. Oh, no our friend Brandon he's the goody-two-shoes of our group

He decides to tech check the local neighborhood watch app for that neighborhood and Messages were just pouring in Pig how for that neighborhood. And messages were just pouring in about this pig. How families loved walking their children past it every holiday, because every holiday, they would dress it up each different holiday. So it's like a beloved landmark? Yeah, it was very beloved.

I mean, everyone just like, was it was like as if well We just stole Christmas from Whoville, you know, and like everyone just like singing their song and like oh We love that pig and we get to the last message on that board and let me tell you my heart dropped I read the last message and we come to find out that that pig statue was a gift to the homeowner after his wife died it was it was like his wife loved pigs oh someone got him this pig statue after she died and it sat on the lawn ever since What a weird way to commemorate your wife

I know. Every time I look at that pig in the yard I think of Dolores. Yeah it was it was pretty it was pretty astonishing to say the least when we saw that it was a gift. Yeah. That being said we knew we needed to return it. Right. We just didn't know how So we gave it to the end of the week the the following weekend That Friday night we went probably it's like 2 a.m And we we put the pig on the curb and we drove off we left it two days later I go back to check to see you know what was going on what happened

they painted the pig gold oh it now still sits in their neighborhood gold in the front lawn whoa and and I know we we stole that pig but at the end of the day I feel like we brought that community together. I think you did. We did. So that pig's gold, nothing, we didn't damage it. We didn't know what we were gonna do with it. We hadn't got that far when we made the plan of stealing it. It was just, let's get this pig.

And after we had it, we had no, it just sat on a skateboard in Liam's dad's garage. Right, what we didn't do with it. And we were like, cool, we did it. Yeah, yeah, we wrote Mr. Bacon, like on the skateboard underneath it, and we're like sick, we did it. And then, but then, yeah.

But yeah, but ultimately when we knew that it was a gift for his dead wife, we had to return it. Wow. But we did, but. So you didn't put it back in its original place. Oh no, fuck no. Too scary. Yeah, and the beat, because it was, like, where it was located was, like, right next to, like, the front sidewalk about to go up, a couple steps

to the front porch. Right, too close to their house. You're within shotgun range. It's wild that they made the pig more valuable and more appealing. I like to think that it just happened. It turned gold. Upon return, it turned gold. It was a magical transformation. That's what we think. Is that they thought it was a miracle.

Because they didn't know. Yeah. Yeah. I get that. But when your pig statue goes missing, it's a pretty safe bet it's high kids. You know what I mean? I mean, you can get money on that.

It's not master criminals. But it is an interesting lesson that there's no such thing as a victimless crime, is there? Is there, Anthony? No, no. Yeah. At the end of the day, we definitely felt bad, and we took it back at the end of the day, we definitely felt bad and we took it back at the end of the day. And, you know, we thought that we wouldn't get caught. And I mean, we didn't get caught. But, you know, your conscience caught you a little bit to the end. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like that

would it would not have ended well for you guys if you had kept the pig. I think like, we'd be hearing stories of like really bad things happening in your lives right now. Yeah. I feel like I would have definitely take the brunt of it because my group of friends are definitely like, well, he was the one that came up with the idea and I'm like, Oh, come on guys. And then next thing I know, cause like I'm 17 next thing you know,

I'm like being tried as an adult. Yeah. Because this was like this guy's dead wife's fundamental last offering to him. And you know, but yeah, so I'm glad we didn't get caught. I feel like I definitely am doing better. Cool. Yes. But...

I thought it could have been an amazing start to it. You're like you could have become like a world-renowned art thief stealing sculptures. I wish. All right Anthony, well thanks for the call. Yeah, yeah, no worries. I appreciate you guys having me on. Like I said before, it was a pleasure. Thanks to you for taking the time and listening to me today. No problem. Well, thanks, Anthony. Thank you. All right, next up, we got Angie from Illinois. What's up, Angie? What's up, Ange? Hi, Andy.

Hi. How are you guys? Good. Where are you calling from in Illinois? Worsot, Illinois is a huge town of 900 people. Nice. Where are you, down by St. Louis? Nope, we're right on the edge of the Mississippi where Iowa, Missouri, and Illinois all meet.

Oh neat. Okay, cool. And it's negative three here today, so I hope. Hey-o. Well, maybe you can warm us with your tales of your misspent youth. There wasn't much to do when I was a child and when we got to teenage years we didn't really want to, you know, be misgivings. So my cousin and his friends, like they had ties with one of the dads was a firefighter and so when the Labor Day Parade would come along there's always like the characters and stuff for

the little kids. One year it was Twinkie the kid and when he got his hands on that he's like oh we have to do something with it and because we were always filming ourselves we got camcorders it was awesome. In the 90s it was all we had to do. Real quick is Twinkie the kid? oh Twinkie is the Twinkie. Yeah. Got it. It was an advertising mascot for Twinkies. Okay got you. Yep. He um it's a it's a seven foot Twinkie dressed inexplicably like a cowboy. Right. Right. And he's inviting children to eat him and eat his cream. Eat me till the cream comes out, kids. Listen, that's, I mean, come on. We would always do our shenanigans in the middle of the night, least likely to be caught doing things. And so he put that on. We spoke with the third shift clerk at a gas station.

We're like, can we come in and like fake rob you? And she's like, that's fine. Just don't bring a weapon. You'll be fine. He got in the costume and he went in there. We're laughing. He's chasing around drunk people who have no idea why there is a seven foot Twinkie in the gas station across from the bar. But what we did not know was that apparently somewhere in Iowa a dude had put on a hot dog costume and robbed a gas station and so when there were police officers driving by because the police station was a block away one of them was like it's the hot dog. Oh no! away. One of them was like, it's the hot dog. Thing we knew I'm standing in over the camcorder. We're laughing. He's got an arm full of Twinkies and they're just like three police cars,

just pulling up in the parking lot and all running out. And he's coming outside and trying to take the head off, but head snaps from the inside. So he's like trying to move away from them and tell them who he is but we're still chasing him and I was no help because I was just recording it. But yeah we actually got in no trouble. They thought it was so funny because they were they were kind of in on our stuff because they'd pulled us over before. We had a cardboard, a life-size cardboard cutout of John Wayne on the side of a road and we'd left my brother there.

We were pretending to pick him up over and over, but dressed as different people in the Tia Cuffley split us over because we had a life-size John Wayne. They thought he was relieving himself at the side of the road with a life-size John Wayne. And then in the same night, the sheriff's department got us because we decided, well, let's take this outside of town and we'll film another segment. And it was we dressed my brother up like a cow and he was running in front of the car and a deputy pulled us over for that one.

He was not as entertained. He wasn't as big of a comedy fan. Yeah. But you were a big influence on us because like my cousin Cooper and I we would be on the phone together a rotary phone mind you watching you and Conan I mean you yeah you were our childhood when our parents didn't like the commercials for your show we knew we were going to love it. That's awesome. Great. And then there was a master reading Baron that sealed the deal, man. It's so funny you say, but you just sort of casually threw out this phrase of like, yeah,

we made my brother blank. And I'm like, oh man, that's so many stories of like growing up when things go wrong. And I think like, God, the weird shit that I like had my little sister do. I'm thinking about right now about, there was a while where I was obsessed with wrestling and we would get the neighbors, all chicks, and we were going to make my sister wrestle one of the other little girls on the street. And me and the girl across the street pulled her aside and we said, in order to get her like super fired up so she would hurt this other child. I remember looking at her and going, hey, you pretend that she killed mom and dad. And then my sister went in and like annihilated her

to the point that the girl left crying and we all got in trouble. But I'm like, man, that's when you're the younger sibling, you get made to do some weird shit. Absolutely. Absolutely. You're the yes man. Because he grew up with two sisters. So we were constantly putting that poor kid on our dance costumes. So it was just like, we got him ready for all of this.

And I'm sure, and at a certain point, they don't even put up a fight anymore. Right. It just seems like, okay. I'm going to have to do this. So might as well. It's like my agreeability makes me cool, so therefore. Right, right. Well, yeah, at least they're paying attention to me. Exactly. All right, Angie. Well, thank you so much. Thank you, Andy. Thank you, Edie. I hope you guys have a great day.

Stay warm. All right. We're talking juvenile delinquent stories, 855-266-2604. If you've got a good one. We're all over the Midwest now. We got Tom from Wisconsin. Hey. Hello, Tom. Hi, Tom. Hey.

Hello. Hello. What's up? I was the youngest of eight kids. Oh, boy. So by the time I came along, I was pretty much left to my own devices. Right, right. Well at that point they know kids are hard to kill. So it's like you don't have to do much. Just leave some food around and they'll be fine.

I'll stay attached. So about 1970, I'm like eight years old and I'm home alone and I'm trying to, you know, make some fun. And I was making a tennis ball cannon, kind of the precursor to those potato guns kids were making. Yeah. Sure, sure. Anyway, take it, take some cans, make a little cannon out of it,

it would shoot tennis balls. You squirt some lighter fluid in there. Lighter fluid, yeah. Lighter fluid, shake it would shoot that as well. You squirt some lighter fluid. Lighter fluid, yeah. Lighter fluid, shake it up, yeah, yeah. So I'm looking around and I can't find my dad's lighter fluid. Well, I'm looking around the basement, what can I use? Look, this stuff looks good. Hmm, I think it's kerosene.

And I pour it in. Oh, Jesus. Shake it up, spray it, and I get a little, and I shoot the ball like 20 feet. And I was like, oh, you know, that's boring. I need to do more. Are you still in the basement? I'm still in the basement. Okay. Oh no.

And so I put a lot of kerosene in there and it's like eight year old me was like, well, you need more fumes. You've got to shake it up really good. Oh. An unknown, unknown to me, the kerosene's going through the hole of the pop can onto the tennis ball.

So now when I light it and I get a spectacular boom and this tennis ball sails through the basement, only it's on fire. Yeah, it's a flame ball. And it's rick, yeah, it's a flaming ball and it's ricocheting. I mean, it's a great tennis ball. It's ricocheting all over the basement.

And leaving flames everywhere. You know, leaving, you know, cause it was my, like, my dad's workshop and there was oil here and there. And it was, you know, it was starting to set things on fire. And I'm running around trying to find the ball and put the fire out. And years later, I find out that I came by this naturally. Talking my daddy starts telling my kids games he played in the 20s at his uncle's farm

where they would take a can of gasoline and tip it and start pouring gas on the ground one of them would light it and the kid with the can would take off running and they would see who could be the most macho and get the farthest before they hit the tip of the camera. And I was like, don't do this, don't do this. Oh no. Oh my god. My dad used to tell us stuff that he and his brothers would do. And I mean, it was wild. They would dig tunnels.

There was a big field. They would dig tunnels, then go down into the interconnecting tunnels and shoot BBs at each other and throw rocks at each other in the tunnel. In our neighborhood, there was like an area that went from farm to subdivision. So there had been a lot of construction. So all of the dirt that was taken out of, to build the foundations of all these ranch houses, was left in a big pile in the middle of this field. And kids in the neighborhood dug a cave into it. And I mean, it was big. It had to be like 10 feet by 10 feet, you know, and about three or four feet tall.

But kids would hang and, you know, you'd go in there and like kids from all over the neighborhood would go in there and you'd find porn mags and beer bottles and stuff. But I remember being in there and thinking back, there was no support. It was just like a burrow just waiting to just waiting to suffocate and really, you know I feel like kill everyone Yeah, like I went in there once and there's like six kids hanging out in this in this it's like, you know It's like a small like the small size of a small bathroom with a low ceiling Yeah, and just kids hanging out in there, you know

Yeah, and like one kid who doesn't know that that's happening comes at it from the wrong side rides his bike on it collapses it all on you. Gets up on top of it and jumps up and down and kills six kids. No I think about that now and I'm just like oh my god you're so stupid. But we used to have, I mean we used to have dirt clod fights. We would call them dirt clod fights. And they're hard dirt clods, and kids get hit full in the face, you know? Bloody nose, go home crying, you know? Yeah, yeah.

You couldn't see, oh, you're listening, ain't you? Yeah, you could. Yeah, yeah. Well, Tom, I hope that, you know, your pyro days are behind you. Oh yeah, oh yeah, now I'm an engineer. Okay, got it, good. At least you know better.

Obviously you're an engineer. No, I know better. You already were one back then. Now I run around trying to prevent whatever I was doing. Got it. All right, well thanks for the call Tom. Thanks, thanks. All right, next up we got call, Tom. Thanks, Dave.

All right, next up we got Paul from Ohio, Midwest strong once again. Hey guys. Hey Paul. Hey Paul, how are you? Oh yeah, great, how are you guys? Good. Good. You got Edie and Andy. We're here to hear about your juvenile delinquency.

Well, my dad was traveling back and forth and I knew where his car key was at. And I was a 13-year-old kid and I kind of blame it on him because he taught me how to drive at that age. And so I would take his car, drive it around the neighborhood, you know, thought I was really cool. Well, one day I pick up two of my buddies and we take the car for a toy ride we go around to call the sack and just peeling out you know and so my buddies hey Polly do that again that was so cool so I go do it again and just wouldn't you believe a tree jumped right out in front of me. Oh boy. I smacked the tree head on. Oh. And neither one of my buddies got hurt.

But me, I'm busted up, broke my nose, split my lip open, got broken ribs, and I knocked out for a couple seconds. And my buddies are like, you know, I finally wake up and I look at my friends and I'm like, let's run. We'll see somebody stole the car. And they go, the smart ones go and they'll fingerprint it and know that it was you. Yeah. So this, a lady sees us and we were living in Texas at the time and the lady sees and she goes, come here, honey. We we call your mama we'll take care of you you know just you got take care of so I call my mom tell her what happens my mom takes me to the

hospital get home get home from the hospital and I said to my mom I'm like what are we gonna tell dad this is where it's good she goes oh we're not gonna tell your dad anything. And I'm like, oh my God, I got the greatest mom in the world. She goes, you're gonna call your dad and tell him. And I'm like, oh Lord. So I call my dad and tell him and he's like, oh, I really liked that car, bud.

You know, I wish you wouldn't have done that, you know, and he just- What a nice dad. He says, oh yeah, yeah, I thought so. So I hang up with, you know, my mom gets back on the phone. She goes, okay, go to your room. Well, my room was right next to where I can hear her on the phone.

And I hear her going, no, no, it's okay. No, we'll just see you this weekend. All right, okay, bye. She hangs up the phone and she comes into my room and goes, you owe me your life. I said, why? She says, because your father wanted to drive, fly home tonight and kill you.

Oh, whoa. My dad would drive by a car that looked like it and just go, I really like that car. Well, did you total it? Oh, yeah, yeah, totaled it. The engine was pushed back off the rockers. Oh, my god. The beam was all bent.

Oh, my god. Yeah, I mean, and you probably, of course, weren't wearing a seat belt. That's why your face got all messed up. Oh, god. Did you get the- yeah, I mean, and you probably of course weren't wearing a seatbelt. That's why your face got all messed up. Oh. Oh yeah, yeah, well, you know, you're 13, you're cool. Right. Oh my god. My buddy thought I was cool for that split second.

Yeah. You know, it is nice of your dad though that he didn't say, I'm going to kill you directly. Yeah, he just, he relayed the message. Yeah, he just relayed the message. He was going to do it quietly, probably in the night. Going to sneak up on you, smother you. It's crazy that we, as humans, have to be taught either through a scary experience like you had or just through an adult hammering it in

that vehicles are dangerous. Yeah. Like, yeah, it took me going through, not a crash, but mine was a golf cart. My grandmom and granddad had a golf cart because they lived in a part of Texas where they lived close to a golf course. And so that was- Look, you don't have to ration a lot. You can have a golf cart for whatever fucking reason you want

in this country. But my cousins and I were obsessed with the golf cart. It's all we wanted to do, especially if you weren't old enough to drive. Oh, absolutely. Oh yeah, they were cool. When I was about 13, same as when you had your experience, I had my sister and three of my cousins on the golf cart. All

girls, one boy. You'll understand why I say that in a minute. He was young. He was probably tops six, maybe five. Right. So which means good projectile. Yeah, but that did not occur to me. Yeah, yeah. And there was a paved pathway down this hill, a big hill. And we just discovered pretty early on, my sister and my cousin strapped into where the golf clubs go. Uh-huh.

Like some of us in seats, some kind of in seats. Right. And I would go up to the top of that thing and go down it as fast as we could. Like some of us in seats, some kind of in seats. And I would go up to the top of that thing and go down it as fast as we could. We would literally all be chanting, floor it, floor it, floor, oh no, and also pedal to the metal. So my foot would be touching the bottom of the thing. We'd get to the bottom and I would cut it to the right as hard as I could. And we would laugh till we were crying because the wheels would tip up off the ground.

The side wheels would go... But it wouldn't go over. It wouldn't go over. Thank God. Yeah, yeah. But so my granddad's brother lived near there and saw me at one point. And I mean, I got reamed out so badly and we still laugh about it to this day, so many years later, because the thing

that he was the most upset about, mind you, one boy on the thing, he was probably saying it because he was young, but to us, it's funny now because he was the only boy. He was like, what were you doing? You could have killed Bradley. Not really worried about any of the girls. Well, there was a surplus of girls.

It was, you know, yeah, yeah. That was how I learned, like, oh, right. Vehicles are very dangerous. Yeah, absolutely. I my friend of mine and I, when my stepfather would host the Plumbers Golf Outing, the Plumbing Union Golf Outing, and my friend of mine and I would drive the beer cart, and we definitely tipped the beer cart one time, which luckily like on a fairway where nobody was playing, but all the beer went

all over and all the ice went all over but we done we just tipped it from cutting wheel you know just cutting too fast they're so fun and so yeah and yeah you can I mean I know somebody whose mom like was in a golf cart accident like not fucking around yep just was in a golf cart accident. You can get horribly hurt. Like not fucking around. Just was in a golf cart accident, fell out of the cart, hit her head and was like terribly, terribly injured. Oh yeah. On a golf cart, you know? Yeah, I know people too.

They're horribly dangerous. It's insane that kids can get in and drive them. It's insane that I was ever doing that. I can't believe they still, that that's still a thing that kids can drive though. My ex-wife is from Kansas City and and we went to visit her relatives she's got you know they're like big Catholic like 12 kids in each side of the family and so

there's a million cousins and she like her I guess it's her second cousin this giant kid that's like eight or nine, but he looks like he's 13. And they live on this farm and they have a golf cart and he's driving it around. And I'm like, why is it so fast? And he says to me, oh, we took the governor out. So it's just, it's going 30 and 40 miles an hour and this is a nine-year-old kid just tearing around and you know and my my son was like I want to ride him

no no no no no you're gonna stay here no you're gonna stay here in the house that smells like cigarettes yeah you know all right well Paul thanks for that maybe that may be the reason why I thought I was okay driving my dad's car was because it was a little Volkswagen Rabbit. Oh, yeah, so it seemed like a toy. It's a golf cart. It's cute. Yeah, Rabbit. It's cute. All right, Paul, thanks so much. Thank you.

Thanks guys. Take care. Bye-bye. All right, we're talking juvenile delinquent stories 855-266-2604. Next up we've got Sandra. Sandra, it's me and Edie. Hi. Hi, guys. So I grew up in a little tiny mountain town where I could write a book on juvenile delinquent

acts. Nice. We were constantly committing them. So one that's pretty notorious is I was friends with the, good friends with the superintendent of the school systems, son. And that kind of gave us access to a master key. Yeah, dang. Good flex, Sandra. Could get us into any, you know, part of the building, school building. And we found ourselves

in the office that held the school cars. And so we had the bright idea at three o'clock in the morning to take the school student driver station wagon with the big bright yellow sign on top that said student driver out for a joy ride. And so in doing that at three o'clock in the morning, we went and you know, spend some went and, you know, spent some, some, you know, wheelies around parking lots and went out and did some things. And then on the way back, as I was looking around in the car, I found the clipboard that had the mileage and the gas to the exact point of where it was left. And we decided at that point, that we needed to pull into our local gas station where everyone knew everyone, of course.

And I remember the guy that was working there had kids in the school. He knew who we were. Saw the car, you know, with a big yellow sign on it at three o'clock in the morning. And we pulled about, you know, $3.42 worth of change out of our pockets to go even up the gas as much as we could. We had no idea what we were going to do with the odometer, it just wasn't. So we kind of go into the gas station at, you know, three o'clock pulling our chains out and he's like, yeah, a student driver, yeah. And my friend just kind of nodded his head

and he thought, I had no idea they did that at night time, that they did night list. And so we're just kind of like, yeah. He just nodded his head and we put our gas in, turned the car in, never, you know, just crossed our fingers for days praying that no one would really notice. And, you know, we found out years later that they did notice that the mileage was off, that they just targeted it. We had a coach at the time that liked to drink a little so maybe he had gotten it you know the mileage wrong is what they thought and had written it down wrong and we never got caught but every time we would go to that gas station that same man would ask us you know how are those driver lessons going

and we were just kind of like going ahh they never told on us and we never got caught. Wow. That was a pretty stupid thing to do. And I think back now that any number of things could have been three o'clock in the morning, we're out in this station wagon from the school with the student driver. So obvious. You might as well have stolen a bus. Yeah, seriously. School bus. Which, seriously. On a school bus.

Which was an option. We did have the keys and we talked about it, but we couldn't get the doors open. What state was this mountain town in? It's in New Mexico. It's a little teeny tiny ski resort town with about 600 people or so. Got you. And where are you in Texas right now? I'm north of Houston.

Oh, cool. This has pinpointed me way too much. This is, oh sorry. I asked because I grew up in Texas. The guy from the gas, I think the guy from the gas station's like, hmm, should I use that now? Like, should I use that?

All right, well Sandra, thanks for the call. Yes, thank you. Bye. Alright next up we got Jefferson from Pennsylvania. What's up Jefferson? Hey, hey, hey. Alright so I was told I gotta hit the ground running on this thing because we're running short on time. Okay.

Thanks for having me on. You're welcome. There's a high bar that's been set. Let me say by all these people that have called that in me. So anyway, we're going to go to this was in 1995. All right. So pre-smart phones, all right, which gave us free rein to do whatever the hell we wanted to do, right? To anybody who was, you know, anywhere under 20 at that time, you know, knew that that was a glorious time to be alive. So anyhow, um, going to a little town called Greendale Wisconsin is where this happened. That was my hometown. Uh, so anyway,

we a bunch of guys, myself and, you know, my core group of friends were walking up to the mall one day, walking through the village. They just put up a newer gazebo at the time. We're in, you know, just minds wandering as we do, just, you know, shit, talking shit, whatever. We look up, we're like, you know what? I think we should grab that. And there was a rooster weather van on top of the gazebo. You know, the most random thing in the world.

It's like, why would we even want it? I have no idea. It was just something to do. So, we kind of marked our territory and we're like, okay, yeah, let's get it. Let's get it. So number of weeks went by or whatever, came back upon, let's see, it was, I remember that, I don't remember dates very well. I remember this, it was October 13th, 1995. We, a whole bunch of us were back together over at my mom's place and like, you know what? It was the worst possible time to do it based on weather and everything.

But like, you know what? There's enough of us here. Let's go. Let's go try and get it. Let's run down there and try and get it. So, we had a nice large ladder and it took a few groups of people to finally pull it off. It was myself and always one other person and everybody else kept chickening

out. So I took my best friend Bill, his brother Ken was finally the one who saw it through with me. We walked down the, you know, one of the main roads just trotting this big ladder along with it. Just myself and Ken and just bopping along down to the center of the village. Over to Gazebo, the whole plan was okay, let's throw the ladder up. I shimmy up the ladder. He pulls the ladder back down and stashes it in some bushes that are over on the side of the Gazebo. Lays low until I get the job done. Well, you know, that part went well. All right. I got up there. Now it was raining, thundering, lightning, all this stuff, right? Very much like a dock ground in the clock tower and back to the future.

The, all of this is happening and bear in mind that there is constant traffic going through the center of the town and police station is right across the street. They can easily see everything that's going on. So I always had to like stay rotating around the top of the gazebo based on the way certain traffic was coming so that nobody even saw that I was up there and especially we did see a few cop cars coming and going. So anyhow, get up there, get to the top.

I'm up there, I grab onto the thing. After getting up to like the second tier, I was able to get up and reach it. Yank on it, wasn't coming off. Had to reposition myself, tried it again, almost slipped off the top because it was wet and those shingles are really slick. I didn't have the best shoes I'm sure, so tried the yank on it, didn't get it. Third time I was like, okay I'm going sideways with it, let me try and just go up. I grab it one more time, like it's this time or it's not happening. Yank up

on the thing and it flies right off the top of the little spindle that it was on. So, and don't forget, this thing is probably, I don't know what, like two feet across. It was fairly large and it was heavy, way heavier than I thought it was going to be. So, I've got this thing. I don't know what the hell to do with it. I'm trying to balance myself on the top of the gazebo. Ken's waiting down at the bottom. I got it, Ken, I got it, I got it, I got it. So I take it and I just kind of frisbee toss it off the top down to him. He grabs it, stirries it off with it,

stashes it in the bushes. And then I had to figure out how the hell am I gonna get down? We gotta get the ladder back up again. Either to the ladder or I'm just taking a dive off the lowest tier of the gazebo and just hoping that I don't hurt myself on the way down. So thankfully he was able to get the ladder back up. I got down, we waited for a clearing, pulled it

off, grabbed the ladder, trotting back up the street with the ladder and the rooster in hand and made it back, savings down. Everybody kind of erupted when we walked back to the door with the stupid thing in our hands and and there it was and it stayed in the house for like I said about a about a week it stayed in my bedroom closet we didn't know what we were gonna do with it there was course what are you gonna do with it? 10 years. Yeah you can't you can't display it. No, no of course not. So it was just a matter of, well, we got it. I guess, you know, let's move on to other things. It was more the act of the acquisition more than anything else. So yeah, we had it. It was in my bedroom. And the next Friday night, I had gone upstairs

to take a late afternoon, early evening nap. My mom comes up, she's like, you know, there's two, there's two undercovers downstairs asking for you. I'm like, yeah, they're just plain clothes. So I'm like, damn it. Because loose lips, right? We had blabbed all about the stupid thing by the time we got back to school on that next Monday, because it was a Friday night, we got it.

And then by that following week, word had spread. So yeah, I go downstairs. I'm just like, you know, I'm like half-wake. I'm like, I greet them at the door and say, okay, I'll go get it. Didn't even have to say a word. I knew why they were there. They knew that I knew why they were there. So I went up, got it. They took me down to the station and then we kind of went through the rigmarole of roping in. They needed to get Ken

too. So they just did their thing. And then eventually I wound up with like a, I don't know, it was like a hundred dollar fine or something. Got it. It was placed back on top of the gazebo. There's a newspaper article in the Village Life about it. I mean, that's trying to keep it as short and sweet as I can. Well, thank you for that. That's a golden pig timeline one week later. Exactly. Everything's right. Exactly. It's tying it back to Anthony's story there. Yeah. Well, thank you Jefferson. Thanks Jefferson. You're welcome. All right, I think our last call we got David from New Jersey. What's up David? Hi David. Hey guys, thanks for having me on. Love everything you guys do. So, even I don't. I can't say that about me. I don't love

everything I do. I do a lot of weird shit. I love everything I know that you do. Oh, thank you. Okay, that's good. So I was probably 18 years old growing up and my Mom went away on a business trip. I had some friends over Including my girlfriend to have some spirits My girlfriend and I got in spirits. Yes Yes, so and by the way, I don't condone anything that I tell you here. So my girlfriend and I got into an argument and we had both worked at a restaurant and

she seemed to have this other gentleman who she consulted when we got into argument. So when we got into an argument and she left, I knew where she was going. Yeah, not cool. Yeah, not cool. But I decided I was gonna follow her. 10 minutes later and I went to his house and sure enough there was her car parked

in front of his driveway. And my beer mussels kicked in and I'm walking up to the front door and his automatic muscles kicked in and I'm walking up to the front door and his automatic lights kicked in and I froze like, you know, I said, oh. And I decided to run back to my car and take off. And as I'm driving off, and now the weather was not great, it was raining out, I took off in my car

and I skid through an intersection and it was pretty, you know, fairly rural for New Jersey and sk skid through intersection and it was pretty you know fairly rural for new jersey and skid through intersection and hit a telephone pole and knocked out and knocked out the power for most of that part of town uh... but my car was still running which was amazing so i said i'm getting out of here so i decided to drive home and i get home and thinking that i'd beat the law and wake up the

next morning to a knock on my door and there's two police officers there and they asked if there was anything I wanted to tell them and I said what do you mean and they and he reached into his sort of satchel that he had with him and there was my license plate. It had obviously fallen off when it hit the telephone pole. Yeah, you want to check that. And so I went to the store with them and obviously knew that I was in trouble. So this happened on a Friday. Saturday morning, there was an article in the local newspaper about my antics. And by the way, my best friend's father was the chief of police for our town. Oh no. And I went through the embarrassment of it all.

And then I know you guys aren't from New York, but there was a rather large radio station in New York called WPLJ, famous radio station, and they had a bit about stupid criminals, and come Monday morning, they were invited. Oh, you made it, nice. As the stupid criminal for WPLJ for the week. Wow.

And when you were in stupid criminals and when you were in the paper, were they just like, local man knocks out out power or did they say your whole name? Oh yeah, I mean, I was out there for the world to see. Oh boy. Oops. Sucks. But you live and you learn.

Like I said, I don't condone any of my actions during any of this, but it was definitely a learning experience and an embarrassment and my friends and I still get kicks at all of our reunions I mean the story comes up I mean every reunion the story comes up was there ever a point at which you told your girlfriend that it was all her fault I mean I still tell her that Wait is she still your girlfriend? She is not my girlfriend is a friend of mine and yes for sure and and whether I tell her that or not I know that it was my Is she just real quick is she with that guy? Oh?

No, okay, to be quite honest with you. I I don't think I ever had any fear she was with a guy. I'm not sure the guy was even straight. But still, you know, you work with someone and that restaurant culture, there's definitely, well, she's looking at him and he's looking at her. Right. Got it. And it's young hormones. Bad decisions for sure.

But again, I think that's going to wrap up. Thank you guys for everything you do. Love you guys both. Thanks you guys for everything you do. Love you guys both. Thanks David. Thanks David. All right well Edie, that's it. Dude, so fun.

Yeah, so we usually we pick a favorite. Gosh, I don't know. There were so many good ones. Let's see. I do really like the pig stealing. Just the fact that it ended up gold, there's something very poetic about that. Yeah, I'm sort of torn right now between a golden pig and the guy shooting fireballs in his basement. Let's call it a tie.

Well, thank you so much. Yeah, thank you, Andy. Looking forward to the last season of Righteous Gemstones. Yeah, thank you. And all of you, thanks for tuning in. Hopefully next week my voice won't sound like this. Stick around because next up is Stand Up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin. Bye now.