The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Fortune Feimster: Sports Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: November 15, 2024

Writer, comedian, and actress Fortune Feimster joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear some weird sports stories. In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories about nude skydiving, international ping pong competitions, many injuries, and a baffling wild-card story. This episode was recorded on Wednesday 11/6/2024.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  Next week, Wed. 11/20, we will be talking Family Holiday Stories!This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hello! Hello, wait I gotta turn on the... okay, I couldn't hear myself. Hi everybody! Ready for some fun? Ah, what a fun day! What a fun, fun day! It's the Andy Richter Collins show. I'm Andy Richter. We're talking sports stories today. If you want to get in on it, we're here for an hour. 855-266-2604 and give us a call if you

got a good sports story. And they will be fielded by me and Fortune Feimster. The hilarious comedian Fortune Feimster who is here today. Hi Andy. And we were just having a real chipper up, A real light convo. Up, up, deep convo. Oh, it was great.

What a lighthearted day. Oh yes. I've been skipping all day. Oh, yes. I've been skipping all day. I bet. No, it's rough. I mean, it's rough for a good amount of people, but we're going to keep it light here and keep it fun,

keep it funny. That's right. And speaking of funny, I'm going to tell you about Fortune's new comedy special. Crushing It is out on Netflix December 3rd. December 3rd, yeah. December 3rd, it's on Netflix. Just in time for the holidays.

That's right, that'll be something that can take your mind off of things. Yeah. Lighthearted, fun, positive. And where'd you film it? I filmed it in Seattle at the Moore. How do you pick? I picked this one because on my last tour

I did the Moore for the first time and the crowd was so amazing. I had two shows there that night and the first crowd was like unbelievable. It's a three story theater, but which usually the laughter kind of dissipates in a big theater like that. But it's so close, the seats are so close to the stage

that it's like right on top of you, the laughter and the energy. And I was like, this is unbelievable. This can't be, this has to just be like a unique crowd of this show. And then the second show, same thing. And so I was like, you know what? Next special, I'm doing it here.

It's one of the best towns in the country. It's such a cool town. Great audiences. Yeah, and they get some of that spillover from a little bit of Canada up there as well. And they like to laugh. They sure do. They like to laugh and be polite.

And then also, you gotta check out her hilarious podcast, Handsome, that you do with Chigna Taro and Mae Martin. I don't know if you're aware, but that's who you do that with. That is correct. Two very funny people. We have the silliest conversations. People ask us a question. We talk about nothing and everything.

It's really, I mean, it's so much fun to eavesdrop on funny people's conversations. And that's exactly what this is. And you guys are all similar enough and different enough that it's really, really fun to listen to. No, thanks. And we're all from a different generation. We're all like May's 30s, I'm 40s, TIG's 50s. So it's kind of interesting to get the different perspectives

from that way too. Right, exactly. Yeah, because I mean, I'm 58 now and it is like, I feel 27 or whatever, but it's like 27 year olds. It's like, oh no, we are very different. Oh ouch, ow, ow. Well, we're talking sports today, and I know you were a sporty gal.

I was a very sporty gal. I played sports my whole life because I have two older brothers, so that just kind of came with the territory. If I wanted to be a part of their friend group, which I was desperate to be a part of. It involved playing basketball or tag football. And you were the little one, right? I was, I was the youngest. And so my oldest brother was very sporty, so I just wanted to do anything he did. And he played tennis,

so I don't think I would have gotten into tennis otherwise. I started playing because I wanted to do what he did, and he and I would throw softballs in the yard, so I started playing soft I wanted to do what he did. He and I would throw softballs in the yard, so I started playing softballs, soccer, and basketball. Yeah, I played four sports. Wow. And do you still play sports? Not as much.

I lasted much longer than I thought I would. I played college tennis. Oh, wow. And I played college soccer my last year. Is it like scholarship or just you're on the team? No, I just was on the team, Division III, so it wasn't like hardcore, hardcore. But a really fun experience to keep that going. And then when I moved to LA

and I was trying to make friends, sports was what helped. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I joined a softball league, both a lesbian league and a co-ed league, casting a wide net. You mean gay and straight? Gay and straights all together.

Just as it should be. I also joined a tennis league and a soccer league. And I lasted a while with all of those. The one, I eventually had to give up the softball league because it was weekends and I started touring. But I kept soccer going every Monday night until the pandemic. And then my wife said, aren't you a little old for this?

Once it came back, she goes, do you really need to be getting hurt on the soccer field? I'm like, I guess you're right. Yeah, that is true. That is limiting when you're like, yeah, my knee, I could really fuck up my knee. Well, I remember when I was about to leave, I was leaving the next day to go film Office Christmas Party. This was 17 or 16, I can't remember what year. And I pulled some kind of hamstring and I almost, like I for a second thought

I wasn't gonna be able to go film in Atlanta. And she was like, I told you. And I'm like, I kept going. I kept going. It ended up being all right. But yeah, once you're competing with all these like 22 year olds, there's like, what am I doing here?

I just, I mean, it's just, it becomes a cliche with friends that like to play sports or like a lot of guys that I know like play basketball. Yeah. And that would be sort of like their, their sort of physical fitness thing. Yeah. And it's always like, yeah, but your tendons and ligaments,

they get like, They tighten. They get brittle and then they just snap, you know, when you're doing next to nothing. I mean, you know, like I played in a, the, what do you call it? The All-Star Game Weekend. They have like a celebrity and old timers,

softball game and I went to St. Louis and played in that and tore my meniscus. Oh my gosh. Like, you know, just fucking softball game and I went to St. Louis and played in that and tore my meniscus. Oh my gosh. You know, just fucking softball. People play that drunk and I tore my meniscus playing that. That sucks. It's funny, I did a couple shows opening for Sandler this past year and he plays pick up basketball games

everywhere and I wanted to be part of the dudes, but I was like, I can't, like, I know Adam's really good at basketball and I haven't played in years. I know I can shoot, but I'm not willing to risk my friendship with him by wanting to be on the team. So while they played their pick up game, I just shot baskets so I could be part of

the race but not like embarrassing myself. I could never play with you. I'm over here. Yeah, I'll just shoot baskets. Let me know when we go pick out sweatshirts from the local NBA team. Now coming up girls sports, is there, because I played sports in high school, and I was like a pretty decent athlete,

coordinated and could do stuff, but I just got tired of the Lord of the Flies mentality around, well mostly football. Yeah, that one's hardcore. Football, I just couldn't, like when I was a sophomore, we were scrimmaging the freshmen and this guy on the sophomore team took out a kid's knee to where his kneecap was around the side of his leg

and comes back and there's other guys high-fiving him. Yeah, that's crazy. Destroying a child's knee. And it was like- And how did our country get to this place? I don't know. But that was just, it's just like one of those things where I was like, I don't think I have what it takes

to do this. So then I got a job at the grocery store instead, you know, the next year. But is there that kind of aggression in women's sports? I mean, yeah, for sure. I mean, I've seen like the tugging of ponytails while the ref is not looking. In that league I played in here in LA,

I saw some girls take swings at other girls, and I was like, holy cow, this, and I'm not competitive like that. I'm like more of the camaraderie person. I like the high-fiving of it all, good job. That kind of thing really appeals to me because it makes me feel like I'm not growing up. I'm like, yeah, I'm still part of a team, dudes.

Exactly. And when they would act like that, I would be like, guys, this is a wreck league. Come on. That's crazy. But yeah, some people just have that thing, that aggression, and that's definitely, not as obviously common in women.

Men have some, not all men, hashtag not all men, have some aggression, they gotta work out. And that sometimes comes out in sports. And it can happen, I mean, it happened, I'm not like a fighter or even like a combative person, but I got fucking really hot at a church league softball game until one of my friends had to say to me,

like, it's church league, it's church league, it's church league. We're doing this for the Lord. Did you ever get in any tussles like in sports or? I'm trying to think. I don't think so. I think I was the peacekeeper. I was always the one pulling somebody away

or like telling both players to chill out. Yeah, because I'm a tall girl too. And I'm guessing you play that role in life anyway. The one that kind of is keeping everybody okay. I think so. I'm a tall girl too. And I'm guessing you play that role in life anyway. The one that kind of is keeping everybody okay. I think so. I'm very chill. I'm kind of like, hey, everybody, you know, chill out.

What the hell? What are we doing? But because I was usually one of the bigger ones on the field or wherever it was, I could kind of get in between and get everybody to calm down. Yeah, size matters. Size does.

Hashtag Size matters. Size does. Whether it's hashtag size matters. All right. Well, let's go to the phones once again. We're talking sports, Andy, Richard Collins show. We're at 855-266-2604. Kendra calling in. Hi, Kendra. Hey there. I love you guys. I love Fortune so much.

I was gifted a few years ago with a jingle from Joe Bolter. For a broken foot. That's my Netflix since the joke show with Tom Papa. Oh, okay. Everybody should listen to it, obviously. So my family, when I was a kid, they were obsessed with ping pong. We were, every Thanksgiving break we would go to Detroit to this national team tournament. People came from all over the globe to this place.

And you live in Indiana, right? So this isn't like you're in the suburbs, like you had to travel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like a good five hour drive. Wow. With four to six kids in a Volkswagen Vanagon, I think. Yeah, yeah.

That's a lot. They were, and of course we would share one room. So that was super cool. Yeah. But we would have Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday, take all the extra turkey in a giant Tupperware container and a cooler in the van and drive on up there. My mom and stepdad were super high rated, but we were like kind of lower middle. They had like classes A through J in

this tournament, but usually in like the B or C group there would be some teenage French-Canadian boys that were super cute. And mom didn't really like us cheering for these other teams. One year we were actually up against some of the younger guys and my cousin and I sat there and we were like, oh Simone, he's so good. And mom would glare at us. It was a really, I mean certainly an interesting childhood. I was never, I was as good at ping-pong as Fortune is at swimming. Which we know is not very good. Swimming is not my forte. So we're not gonna see you in the Olympics?

We're not gonna see you here in LA? No. In 28? No, unless you want to see me running across the swimming pool. I mean, on Kendra too. Oh yeah, Kendra. Table tennis. Yeah, because that Olympic table tennis, that's awesome.

They're hardcore. Oh, that Kendra. Yeah, table tennis. Yeah, cause that Olympic table tennis, that's awesome. They're hardcore. Oh, it's fantastic. Yeah, and those guys are, that caliber goes to this national teams tournament. So I think they moved it to Baltimore. They play like six feet away from the table. Yeah, yeah. That's how hard they're hitting it. Yeah, yeah.

All right, well, Kendra, thank you for the call. Yeah. You're absolutely so great to talk to you guys. Great to talk to you. I'm happy. I've played ping pong recently, and I hadn't played in years. And I was, it came back pretty quickly.

Yeah, yeah. I do find it's one of those sports, kind of like tennis, you're better when you're playing someone better. Yes. Oh, absolutely, tennis is always that way. It's like, I always feel bad because I'm usually playing somebody better than me

and I know they're raising my game, but I always feel like, yeah, but I'm not doing the same for them. Yeah, table tennis, I never been able to be very good at. My cousins had it in the basement and stuff, but. Yeah, well, cause it requires another person to want to play with me. Right, exactly.

What are you saying? Hey, nobody wants to come want to play with you. Right, exactly. What are you saying? Hey, nobody wants to come play ping pong with me. I'm a loner. All right, next up we got Chris from New Hampshire. Hey Andy, great to hear from you. Good to hear from you. How are you doing today?

I've been better. Yeah, I understand. Well, you got me and your fortune here. Tell us your story. All right, so this is gonna bring us back to, it's about 30 years ago, which is crazy. But Little League Baseball, Northeast Massachusetts, right around the age where I started to figure out

that I wasn't really that good at baseball, but it was still, you know, enjoyable for a kid that was about eight. And they finally let me pitch a game, which I had not done yet. I don't know if it's because we won enough games to proceed on, and they were like, I'll just let them have it. So I get up to the mound. It's a late afternoon, summertime.

And I throw a few pitches, you know, some in the strike zone, some outside, but feeling confident enough. And I throw a pitch, here it hit the catcher's glove, he goes to throw it back, he throws it a little high and like I mentioned it's late afternoon so the sun's pretty low in the sky. And totally lose it, lose it in the sun, put my glove up and the ball hits me right in the mouth. So knocked out my canine tooth, there's just blood pouring out of my face. Both benches get cleared, they're all like rushing to see what the hell happened because they didn't, you know, from an outside

perspective you see the pitch, nothing happens so you just kind of look away and all of a sudden this kid's on the ground bleeding. Jeez. Oh, yeah, and it's such like an unheroic way. It wasn't a lying tribe. Sliding into the base. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Did you have to get another tooth, a fake tooth? Well, I think it was technically a baby tooth.

Oh, there you go. That's good. Did your favor. Yeah. Well, it wasn't loose, but it was loose. So both teams came out and they just started digging in the mound for the tooth. Ah!

Gotta find that tooth. And I remember the kid that found it, because he was so thrilled to hold this thing up. He's like, I've got it, I've got it. And my poor grandfather was at that game. He just, for the rest of his time watching games for us, just thought he was bad luck. I don't know.

Oh. Oh. I mean, you obviously, they pulled you from the game, right? I mean. Yeah. Yeah, I had a cloth or towel in my mouth, basically. I think I went home right after.

But they'll have the baseball today, which is a nice souvenir to have. Yeah, nice. Oh, that is good. Yeah, keep that. Yeah, in Little League, I had to pitch once because I think it was like nine and 10 year olds,

and the coach had used up all our 10 year old pitching. Apparently there was some some quota of different ages to spread the game, and also so you can just dominate. And just have the, and so I was the best nine-year-old, which was still not good. Mr. Value in Aurora, Illinois, Coach Seppelfrick. What a name. And so, and I was just dreading it.

I knew it was coming at the end of the previous game. He was like, you're gonna pitch next, cause I run out on 10 year olds. And I'm like, I was miserable for days and just could not throw a strike. Really? Just. Aw.

And they were, and people are like, and they're not even being mean, but I could see my team just getting like so frustrated. And they're going like, just toss it to him. Just toss it to him. And I just, yeah. And the other team started like swinging at obvious balls just to have something happen.

Oh, it was the worst. It was the worst. It was the worst. It's a lot of pressure. Yeah. Well, Chris, thank you so much. I'm glad your canine is back. Yeah, in full force. The adult version.

Better than ever. All right. Thanks for having me on. We're gonna go next. And Fortune, we have a topic. But we are willing to take calls on any topic. That's true. And we call that a wild card.

A wild card. Oh. Oh. Oh, Rich, I was setting you on. Oh. So we have a wild card call. Yeah. Yeah, there we go.

Hi. We have Brittany from Buffalo. I love the air horn. Yeah, this is exciting. That's right. Brittany, how are you? Thanks for mixing it up for us. So I was supposed to call in the week that you had the fight theme, but I was actually

at a swinger resort in Jamaica. Oh, come on now. How was that? It was fun. Maybe not as much fun as calling in, but it was fun, you know? Wait, there's a resort just for swingers? Uh-huh, yeah, it's called hedonism. Oh yeah, I've heard of that.

Oh, gotcha, okay. I'm sure you have, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it nude too? Yes, yeah. Nude and swinging. There's parts that you don't have to be naked, but yeah, nude the whole week. But you might as well be.

Did you wear sunscreen? So much sunscreen. You did. I would be, I am so white. You gotta protect your bits. Yep. Even when you're swinging. You gotta carry a sitting towel

no matter where you go. That's true. You gotta carry that towel. 100%. That is rule number one of nudist colony etiquette. And your week was fulfilled, all your dreams came true? Oh yes, always, always. We go there every year, And and you and your week was fulfilled all your dreams came true. Oh Yes, always always we go there every year cuz you know, you can't get enough and you go there with your partner with a friend or literally can't get enough well with my

With my husband. Oh nice All right. Well good. I could never do that in a million years I know I respect that you can. I was thinking could I I don't think I don't never do that in a million years. I know, I was sitting here thinking, I respect that you can. I was sitting here thinking, could I? I don't think so. I don't think I could. But I appreciate people who can. It's not for everyone, but yeah.

You just have to kind of be cool with whatever, right? Yeah. Well, you know, there's different levels of it, but we're at the point now where we're pretty cool with whatever, yeah. Okay, all right. No, I mean, I'm not judging. I'm just saying, like, it's just, it's like,

it's like somebody running an Iron Man or whatever, you know, like a triathlon. I'm like, oh no, I could never fucking do that. No, no, thank you. That does not sound good, I know. Oh, wow. So tell us your story there, Brittany. Okay, so the story also has to do with nudity.

Good. So, surprise, surprise. I'm a skydiver, and sometimes we'll do naked skydives. And so we were getting ready to do it. I love too that you're from Buffalo. Like the most inhospitable place to be nude on the planet. Exactly. There's like two months out of the year

where we can be naked. Right, right, so you gotta go for it. We're eating chicken wings the rest of the time. You gotta. Yeah. Full send when you can do it. Yeah. So there are a lot of safety concerns with being naked because you don't have a lot of drag because you're naked. So the jumps usually have less people on them.

There's a lot of planning of all the whole thing. So we were going to do this jump, and this other group of people insisted that they were coming with us and I'm like, I was the safety and training advisor and some like really safety oriented and I was like, no, like it's not safe, you can't do it. So she found out that we were still going on the jump. I was already naked and she came in and started yelling at me and tearing her clothes off now. We're in the middle of like a busy drop zone She's are tearing her clothes off. So now we're screaming at each other naked Just like in the middle of these people

Which is a whole thing they ended up coming on the jump with us and her boyfriend Ran into my boyfriend, which is always a funny thing to like he likes to say that he was meat-missled by a naked man, and like injured him, and he's fine now, but so I was right. Yeah. Yeah. Did it have anything to do with the guy's massive schlong? Was that why you're?

Unfortunately not. More speed. Unfortunately not. No, just like, you know, just a bludgeoning. Running into it. Yes, just a bludgeoning. Running into it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the naked bludgeoning. The thunk.

The naked fight was more fun than the skydive anyways, because I don't know how many times I've had a chance to fight naked. Yeah, yeah. No, that does sound good. Now, you know what? There's a lot of call for that on the internet, too. You could probably, you know probably get that woman back together and get yourself some OnlyFans.

Yeah, I mean, you're really living your best life. Just gallon nude. I'm doing my best. Yeah, it sounds like you're doing better than your best. You're doing well beyond your best. And you don't have to buy many clothes. No, not at all. No.

But I imagine you do let the hair grow if you need drag. Like if you're going to be jumping nude, you might as well have a bush just to slow you down a little bit. A little something. Yeah, yeah. Exactly, a little bit of speed control there. That's exactly.

A literal landing strip for the landing strip. Hey-o. All right, Brittany, well, thank you so much for calling in with that wild card. Yay! Nice! All right. That was kind of sporty, you know? It sounded very sporty. It was thrill-sinking.

Yeah. You know, very sporty. Skydiving is, yeah, intense. Yeah. Have you ever done that? God, no. Yeah, me neither. I don't want to. Skydiving is intense. Yeah, have you ever done that? God, no. Yeah, me neither.

I don't want to. I don't want to. No desire. Yeah, I like looking out of planes. Yeah. But I don't need to. To jump. Yeah.

I one time was at like a 4th of July thing and there were like precise skydivers that were gonna land in the middle of this big intersection with like, you know, those smoke things on there. And so they dropped like from pretty much straight above us. And so you got this perspective that you never see because when you see them, they look like they're floating. They're not floating, they're falling like a fucking rock.

And when you stand directly below a skydiver, you see like, oh no, they're not floating, they're falling like a fucking rock. And when you stand directly below a skydiver, you see like, oh no, they're just like, shh. It was really like, oh no, any sort of like thought of like, oh I'd like to do that, I was like, no no, that's not floating. I don't even like roller coasters, so that's not, you know, so skydiving's not for someone like me.

Yeah, exactly, yeah. Ugh, and naked, definitely not. And naked, no thank you. All the bugs on your way down. No thank you. And yeah, just like, you gotta put those straps between your legs too. It can't be good.

No. Noah, from New York. Hi. You ever do any skydiving nude? No, not really, only clothes. Oh, you have done it though. No, I did do a skydiving nude? No, not really. Only clothes. Oh, you have done it though. I did do a skydiving one. Another thrill seeker here. There you go.

Good job. Yeah, no, this is a strange sports story about baseball. So I grew up with baseball my entire life. I fell in love with it. I played it. I followed it. I played it, I followed it and then in about, at about October 2021, that was about 19. Yeah, I believe that was 19. And this, at this point, quarantine was like early on, but baseball had just come back and it was the playoffs. So it was kind of big for

had just come back and it was the playoffs so it was kind of big for baseball fans at that point. And so MLB had this sweepstakes contest because a lot of people were following baseball at that point and it was kind of a game where you could you were meant to predict outcomes of the playoff games every single at bat, every single plate appearance before they occurred. And they tried to design the game such that it was completely luck-based, but I'm a programmer by the way. From a programming perspective, I felt like it was solvable. So I wrote a program to help me win at it. And so I started winning pretty well at it. So the first week I got like 500 bucks. And so here's where it hit a little bit of a snafu.

So I was 19 at the time, it was about four years ago and my so it was sponsored by bet MGM and you had to be 21 or older to receive money so I put my dad's information on it so he starts getting these checks and it'll be for $500 and he texts me like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. Noah? And he didn't wanna, I don't know, and I told him the whole story and he was just like, I don't really want any part of this. Yeah, for sure. But my sister was 23 at the time, so I got a new agreement with her where,

I would use her information. Right. She would keep her mouth shut. Oh wow. And she would get her beak wet, I hope, a little bit. She got a little taste. I said 5% for you. Oh nice, yeah.

5%? Why not? I would ask for 15. No, she was easy, yeah. You're a seasoned negotiator. That's right. Yeah, it was good negotiating. The next week I won $5, yeah. Yeah. But the next week- You're a seasoned negotiator. That's right. I was, yeah, I was good negotiating, yeah. The next week I won $5,000. Wow.

Whoa. Yeah. And so this time I put my sister's information. So then they were a little bit confused. So first I was a 62 year old man and then I'm a 23 year old girl. Right. Receiving the money under the same account. So they got a little bit suspicious

and they sent me an affidavit that I had signed saying that I was 21 or older. And so this, listen, I was 19 years old, I was pretty broke, it was a conundrum for me whether to commit to, nobody would have ever found out, by the way. Right, and is it even fraud? It would be very, it would be very easy to claim.

Is it even illegal? I was playing, it would never come to play. If he's not 21, it is. Oh, right. Yeah. And I don't think they would actually, maybe they would have taken legal action on him, but in the end, I decided to just come clean about it and say, I can't take the 5,000, I'm not 21. And I got this email back from this guy pretty up in MLB that said, hey, we really appreciate

that you were honest. And I got to meet some pretty cool people in the world of Saber Metrics. I don't know if people are into baseball Saber Metrics at all, but Tom Tango is the guy I got to meet and he's like the father of baseball Saber Metrics. Oh yeah, we all know that. Yeah, that was pretty cool. I'm sorry now. Because they were impressed with your skills?

Yeah, they were. They were surprised that I was able to solve that game, because it really was meant to be luck-based. My producer just brought up a picture of Tom Tango, and he does not look like the name Tom Tango. No. Yeah, the name is false advertising. Well, now that you're of age,

are you doing anything with this skill of yours? Well, I was a programmer for a while, but I don't know if I enjoyed it so much. It was more to make a decent amount of money, which I did for a bit, but for now, the last couple of years, I'm 23 now, and I consider it to be, for the last couple of years, for me to be on a mental health hiatus.

Got it. From programming. Yeah, I don't know, because I've got depression, anxiety, ADHD, just the mental health gumbo. Right, right. So sitting alone in a room, staring at a screen and anxiety, ADHD, you know, just the mental health gumbo. Right, right. And so, sitting alone in a room staring at a screen

is really good for you. Oh, it's fantastic. And that's when I, honestly, in the last year and a half, if I may be candid, it's where I rediscovered my love of comedy as well, and watched every part of Late Night with Conan O'Brien. Oh my gosh. Yeah, man. Oh wow, thank you.

It's awesome to be talking to you. You're like, oddly, a comedy legend to me. Oh, thank you Noah, that's nice. I assume you're talking to me, because I'm very old, unfortunately. He did say you. He did say you. I don't know that much of your work yet.

Yeah, well, you gotta check her out. She's fucking hilarious. I will. Yeah, December 3rd on Netflix.. She's fucking hilarious. I will yeah December 3rd Crushing it All right Noah, thank you so much for the call yeah, yeah, thanks so much. I appreciate it all right We're all this is the Andy Richter Collins show. We're live Conan O'Brien radio Me and fortune themes tour here to take your sports

stories. You can give us a call at 855-266-2604. We have another caller coming in here. Guess what? What is it? Another wild card. Whoa! Ah, Edgar from Chicago. Edgar. Hello, hello. Breaking up the sports machismo. That's right. Yeah, we need to break that up right now. Yeah.

I've been throwing too much. The wild card here, so that way we got this. We believe in you. So tell us about your story. The only note I have is scary. So it better be scary. Well, put it to you like this. When was the last time you've ever seen poop that was the size of a football?

What? Poop that was the size of a football? That's been a while. I would say like, I mean, elephant poop? I was about to say, I have been around elephants once. No, coming from a human. Oh, from a human. Oh, human.

No, no, never. Never. That's not happening. Because that's also too, like that's, you know, a human, you say a big poop, you're talking length. You're talking girth. Yeah, because that's a thick situation. Yeah, that is a baby.

That is a poo baby. All right, so we're all ready for it. We're ready for the poo story. We're all we're all ready for it we're all lubed up as it were well you're gonna need more than Lou okay just just lay it on us drop that do push it out no I mean I'm trying to push it out all right I know not letting me get enough water in order to be Edgar I'm sorry So I was like 19 years old working at a grocery store Just coming in like any other normal day until I just see a bunch of people from store managers to employees to

Even customers all surrounded a toilet and I'm just like, okay, what's going on? surrounded a toilet and I'm just like okay what's going on so we kill the cat a toilet in it wait a minute wait a minute a toilet in the bathroom or I missed the first but did you say you worked at a grocery store yes this is like a toilet like in the employee bathroom or something I wish it was the employee bathroom it's just a toilet just a bathroom it's just the bathroom okay got it. OK. So just walking closer just to see what is everybody even

wondering what's going on, you start to smell, be like, OK, what died? Oh, no. Oh, boy. It started to get worse and worse the closer and closer you get. And by the time I looked at it, it was like a football just sticking out. And there was no water. And you just wonder, there are only two things

that came out of my head. First one is where's the blood trail? Because there't no way someone pushed that out without any kind of rectal rupture or bleeding. Yes, unless they're a prodigy. Unless? Yeah, unless they're like, you know, have a certain set of skills. Yeah, true. Talented. A once in a lifetime.

Or they had White Castle and Chipotle in one sitting. Yeah, well usually that doesn't come out as a football. Yeah, but it doesn't come out because, and two, who's gonna clean that up? Right, right, good question. Because one, maintenance just left. Yeah, because that's gonna- So who did clean it up?

I was just like, oh my God. Yeah, so what happened? What happened? Guess who cleaned it up? The general manager of the store. Oh, and I bet he had to chop it up with something first. Oh my God. Sorry.

Who knows how he did it? I just walked away. I'm just, I'm a scientist. I'm just thinking of it. Well, if there was no water in there, is there any possibility that the toilet somehow backed up? Burped up? And burped up a giant, a giant accumulated turd?

Yeah. Have you ever thought about that? It could have been, I don't know. All I noticed when I saw it is no water inside the bowl. Wow. And a giant turd, like, pushing out. Yeah. And it was like, it's like the size of a football

meets, like, a newborn fetus. Oh my God. Wow. Okay. That was a fun one. I mean, and then actually, while it was a wild card. Yeah. It did tie back to sports. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Oh, damn it. Yeah. Thank you, Edgar. Damn it. See you later. All right. All right. Next up, we got Mark from Massachusetts.

Holy shit. How's it going? Good. So I'm here in Western Mass. Me and my friends would get together sometimes before like a Patriots game back when Tom Brady and you know all the good players are still there. Yeah, Gronk, Edelman. Gronk, Edelman, yeah. So something to look forward to at one point.

And so we'd get together try to play some two hand touch before like a one o'clock or four o'clock game on a Sunday. It was my turn to be on offense so of course I went out and tried to catch the ball. I got my brother-in-law Kenny thrown to me and the first play I dropped the ball and we're like all right I'll get out there again try to make the same play. The second time I made the catch and then I just noticed something was not right with my left hand so I was like something's not right here guys and of course the guys are already busting my balls about don't be a pussy man. So I was like something's not right like my left

pinky finger just won't like come back to the rest of my hand. Oh. Oh. Yeah, so I'm like, it's just floating back to the rest of the fingers. I'm like, nah, I think maybe like we should go to urgent care or something like that.

And then my buddies are like, oh, we should just like YouTube it and see if we can try to like pop it back in the place. Oh no. It's like, oh no. Yo, we got a game. and see if we could try to pop it back in place. Oh no. Yo, we got a game. You know, after a few Miller lights, we're all doctors, but yeah, so obviously we didn't try that. I was like, I finally got him to get me to go to urgent care.

We go there, I'm in the room with the nurse and they're waiting, we were not watching the Patriots game in the lobby. And they're waiting to get the results. And I group text them a picture of my x-ray and you can literally hear them from the exam room. Oh my God. It was like shattered in like seven places. Yeah.

Is that? Yeah, her athleticism was on full display. Yeah. Did it ever, when it healed, did it heal normally or no? I mean it bends, but like if I put it up against my right pinky, it definitely looks a little out of whack. Little Jagged? I know when a race starts running.

In high school at a football practice I was the center and I went down like you know like blocking somebody and I I went down like blocking somebody and I didn't even, but the next time up, I mean I fell, next time up I went to hike the ball and I tossed it to the coach and I said, the ball's out of air and he caught it and said, no it isn't. And then he tossed it back to me and I squeezed it again and I saw just my thumb was like just bending back

when I was squeezing the ball. And it really was, it was like, I relate to it because I didn't feel pain. Yeah. I just really did, it really did read to me as the sensation of the ball being soft, you know? And so I was like, I think I better leave, coach. So.

Yeah, I think a sprained ankle literally was more painful than this shattered finger. Yeah, yeah. Alright, Mark. It was pretty wild. Well, thanks for calling. I'm glad you're better and I'm glad you can forecast the weather. Yeah, absolutely. Alright, bye-bye.

Thank you. Alright, here we go. We're gonna do, we're gonna call the, Mike from Vermont, our last caller here. Hey, Andy. Hey, Fortuner. How are you doing? I'm good. All right. Bye-bye. Thank you. All right. Here we go. We're gonna do, we're gonna call the Mike from Vermont, our last caller here. Hey Andy. Hey, Fortune. How are you guys?

Hi. Good, good. How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. So I used to be a bad boy for the Vermont Expos here in Vermont. They're the other lake monsters. And I was probably 12 years old. That's like a minor league, a minor league team? Minor league, correct. Yeah. And was it for Montreal, a feeder system for Montreal? At the time, yep, they were minor league teams for the Montreal Expos. Okay. So I was probably about 12 years old,

you know, and at some point, you know, they move you from just, you know, grabbing back the home plate to down the baselines. So I went to the third baseline for a game and I was sitting there in my chair watching the game doing my job waiting for foul balls come over my way towards the fence and I was probably 10 or 15 feet behind the the warm-up catcher because they literally had no bullpen. Anybody who warmed up literally just warmed up on the third base track of the first base track. So I'm watching the game and all of a sudden I just happened to turn my head towards home plate and catch a ball right in my left eye. The woman I pitched and I must have been a

slider or something and got past the catcher hit the dirt caught me probably still going about 65 or 70 miles an hour. Yeah Come call me in the eye But you know for for for better or worse. I've got a pretty high tolerance for physical pain Um, but I did put myself on the ground, you know, just making sure I didn't pass out or anything on the ground, you know, just making sure I didn't pass out or anything. But I'm down there and only a few people saw it, some people maybe behind the fence from the barbecue section. And the players obviously, the players kind of knew what happened. So most of the stadium didn't see it and had no idea what happened. What happened, it probably

was about 3000 people. So eventually people started seeing a group circle around the bad boy. My family was all there so they knew I was working over there. So my mom immediately thought something was really wrong. Anybody who came over didn't know what actually happened and why I was on the ground. So I got put on a stretcher, had the neck brace put on. I was just telling people, you know, I kept saying, I'm fine. It's literally just my eye. I put myself on the ground.

It's not a neck thing. But carried me out on the stretcher. I got a standing ovation, gave the thumbs up, you know, as if I was an actual player in the game. But, and then so I got taken to the hospital, taken an ambulance, but what I didn't know is that the player who had hit me gave my dad his bat and my dad came into the hospital carrying the bat and also seeing me and then hospital staff

saw me as a kid with a black eye and my dad with the bat. Exactly so my dad had to tell that story and say this is what happened like my son I you know, I would not have the bat with me if I I'm so proud of I smacked my boy in the eye Carrying my back. Yeah. Yeah, I brought the bat with me to the hospital Anyway, I went through all that no no structural damage, which is good, but I couldn't open my eye for about five days Oh, and when I did finally open I was yeah I was on the couch at my parents' house, and all I saw when it finally opened was white.

Oh. So I thought I had gone blind in my eye. Yeah. Yeah, I'd never experienced anything like that in my life. Yeah, yeah. But eventually that went away, but I made it back to the stadium a few days later wearing sunglasses, but each team had given me like a signed bat that I still have. Wow.

Oh, that's nice. I've got all that stuff. Now, did the game pause for even a second? But each team had given me like a signed bat that I still have. Wow, that's nice. I've got all that stuff. Now, did the game pause for even a second for this injured child? It did. Okay, good. It did once they figured out what was going on. Yeah, yeah.

A lot of people, my brother at the time was like eight years old. He had sprinted over and like hopped the fence too. So now there's another kid on the other side of the fence who they're like, who is this kid? Why is he on the side of the fence who they're like who is this kid why is he on the other side of the fence. And my other question is, the other question is did the Expos pick up the ER bill? That is a good question I don't think they did. Exploiting child labor and not following up when they get injured. You were due workman's common.

I know, I'm gonna assume one of my parents just had good insurance, so I never saw Bill. Yeah, yeah, well, and they probably wouldn't tell you. That'd be my first question as you're going out on the stretcher. You're paying for this, right, coach? Yeah. All right, Mike, well, thanks for calling. That was my sports story. Yeah, thanks Mike. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Well, Fortune, that brings us to the end of our show. Andy, what great calls. Yeah, it was fun. It was great having you here. Thanks for having me. We always pick a favorite. Do you have a favorite that stands out? Well, I mean, how can naked skydiving not stand out? I mean, it's between skydiving not stand out? I mean, it's between that and the football turd.

The football turd was definitely a visual that will stick with me. Right, right, right. But I can't, I mean, it would be an insult to Brittany to choose a football turd over her conceptual nudity. And I know she was a wild card. Right, wild card. They both, they both in fact were wild cards. They both were wild cards.

Yeah. But she brought the wild in that card. Oh man, she sure did. So yeah, thank you, Brittany. Yeah. And you know, winter's coming, so, clothe up and put away that razor. So, yeah. Thank you, Brittany. Yeah. And, you know, winter's coming, so, um,

clothe up and put away that razor. Get a coat until spring. Alright. Well, once again, Fortune, your podcast is Handsome with Tig Notaro and Mae Martin. Yeah. Get it wherever you get your podcast. Just not on the street, people. And your new comedy special, Crushing It, Netflix, December 3rd, everybody set your calendars. Set it, you can watch my other two Netflix specials right now to gear up for it.

Right, right now, go. All right, bye, thank you for listening to the Andy Richter Call-In Show, I'll be back next week with more of the same. Bye!