The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Fortune Feimster: Sports Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: January 23, 2026

This week, we're looking back at writer, comedian, and actress Fortune Feimster's appearance on the Andy Richter Call-In Show! Hear stories about nude skydiving, international ping pong competitions, many injuries, and a baffling wild-card story. This episode was recorded on Wednesday 11/6/2024.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan up. Coney up. Hello, wait, I got to turn up. Okay, I couldn't hear myself. Hi, everybody. Ready for some fun? Ah, what a fun day. What a fun, fun day.

It's the Andy Richter Call-in Show. I'm Andy Richter. We're talking sports stories today. If you want to get in on it, we're here for an hour. 855-266-2-604. And give us a call. good sports story. And they will be fielded by me and Fortune Feimster.

Yeah. The hilarious comedian Fortune Feemster who is here today. Hi, Andy. And we were just having a real chipper up. A real light combo. Up beat convo. Oh, it's great. What a lighthearted day.

Oh, yes. I've been skipping all day. I bet. No, it's rough. I mean, it's rough for a good amount of people. We're going to keep it light here, keep it fun, keep it funny. That's right. And speaking of funny, I'm going to tell you about Fortune's new comedy special.

Crushing it is out on Netflix, December 3rd. December 3rd, it's on Netflix, just in time for the holidays. That's right. That'll be something that can take your mind off of things. Lighthearted, fun, positive. And where did you film it? I filmed it in Seattle at the morning. I had the Moore.

How do you pick? I picked this one because on my last tour, I did The Moore for the first time, and the crowd was so amazing. I had two shows there that night. And the first crowd was like, unbelievable. It's a three-story theater, which usually the laughter kind of dissipates in a big theater like that. But the seats are so close to the stage that it's like right on top of you, the laughter and the energy. And I was like, this is unbelievable. This can't be, this has to just be like a unique crowd of this show.

Yeah. And then the second show, same thing. Wow. So I was like, you know what? Next special, I'm doing it here. That's a, it's one of the best towns in the country. It's such a cool town. Yeah.

Yeah. And they get some of that spillover from a little bit of Canada up there as well. And they like to laugh. They sure do. They like to laugh and be polite. Uh-huh. And then also you got to check out her hilarious podcast, Handsome. that you do with Tignitaro and Mae Martin.

I don't know if you're aware, but that's who you do that with. That is correct. Two very funny people. We have the silliest conversations. People ask us a question. Yeah. We talk about nothing and everything. It's really, I mean, it's so much fun to eavesdrop on funny people's conversations.

And that's exactly what this is. And you guys are all like similar enough and different enough that it's just, it's really, really fun to listen to. Oh, thanks. And we're all from a different generation. Right. We're all like May's 30s, I'm 40s, ticks 50s. Yeah. So it's kind of interesting to get the different

perspectives from that way too. Right, exactly. Yeah, because, yeah. Because I mean, I'm 58 now and it is like, I feel, you know, 27 or whatever, but it's like it's like 27-year-old. It's like, oh no, we are very different. Oh, gosh.

Owry, ow. Well, we're talking sports today, and I know you were a sporty gal. I was a very sporty gal. I played sports my whole life because I have two older brothers. So that just kind of came with the territory. If I wanted to be a part of their friend group, which I was desperate to be a part of, it involved playing basketball or tag football. And you were the little one, right?

I was. I was the youngest. And so my oldest brother was very sporty, so I just wanted to do anything he did. Yeah. And he played tennis, so I don't think I would have gotten into tennis otherwise. I started playing because I wanted to do what he did. And he and I would throw softballs in the yard, so I started playing softball, soccer, and basketball. Yeah, I played four sports.

Wow. And do you still play sports? Not as much. I lasted much longer than I thought I would. I played college tennis. Oh, wow. And I played college soccer my last year. Is it like scholarship or just you were on the team?

I just was on the team, Division III, so it wasn't like hardcore, hardcore. But a really fun experience to keep that going. And then when I moved to L.A. and I was trying to make friends, sports was what helped. Oh, that's cool. Yeah, I joined a softball league, both a lesbian. league and a co-ed league casting a wide net. Go-ed me gay and straight. Gay and straights altogether.

Just as it should be. I also joined a tennis league and a soccer league. Wow. And I lasted a while with all of those. I eventually had to give up the softball league because it was weekends and I started touring. Yeah. But I kept soccer going every Monday night until the pandemic. Wow.

And then my wife said, aren't you? a little old for this once it came back she goes do you really need to be getting hurt on the soccer field I'm like I guess you're right yeah that is that is true that there is limiting when you're like yeah my knee I could really fuck up my knee well I remember when I was about to leave I was leaving the next day to go film office Christmas party this was 16 17 or 16 I can't remember what year

and I pulled some kind of hamstring and I almost like I for a second thought I wasn't going to be able to go film in Atlanta. And she was like, I told you. And I'm like, ugh, I kept going. I kept going. It ended up being all right. But yeah, once they're, you know, you're competing with all these like 22-year-olds.

Yeah. There's like, what am I doing here? I just, I mean, it's just, it becomes a cliche with friends that like to play sports or like a lot of guys that I know like play basketball. And that would be sort of like their sort of physical fitness thing. And it's always like, yeah, but your tendons and ligaments, they get like, they tighten. They get brittle and then they just snap, you know, when you're doing next to none. I mean, you know, like I played in a, the, what do you call it, the All-Star game weekend. Oh, yeah.

They have like a celebrity and old-timers softball game. And I went to St. Louis and played in that and tore my meniscus. Oh, my gosh. Like, you know, just fucking softball. Like that people play that drunk And I tore my meniscus playing that Yeah It's funny I opened

I did a couple shows opening for Sandler This past year Yeah And you know he plays pick up basketball games everywhere Yeah And I wanted to be part of the you know Yeah yeah dudes But I was like I can't

Like I know Adam's really good at Basketball and I haven't played in years I know I can shoot But I'm not willing to risk my friendship with him by wanting to be on the team. So while they played their pickup game, I just shot baskets so I could be part of the race, but not like embarrassing myself. I could never play with you.

I'm over here. Yeah, I'll just shoot baskets. Let me know when we go pick out sweatshirts from the local NBA team. Now, coming up, girls' sports, is there, because I played sports in high school. And I was like a pretty decent athlete coordinated and could do stuff. But I just got tired of the Lord of the Flies mentality around, well, mostly football. Yeah, that one's hardcore. Football, I just couldn't.

Like, when I was a sophomore, we were scrimaging the freshman. And this guy on the sophomore team took out a kid's knee to where his kneecap was around the side of his leg. and like comes back and there's other guys like high-fiving him. Yeah, that's crazy. Destroying a child's knee. And how did our country get to this place? I don't know. But that was just, it's just like one of those things that I was like, I don't think I have what it takes to do this.

So then I got a job at the grocery store instead, you know, the next year. But is there that kind of aggression in women's sports? I mean, yeah, for sure. I mean, I've seen, like, the tugging of ponytails while the ref is not looking. In that league I played in here in L.A., I saw some girls take swings at other girls, and I was like, holy cow. And I'm not competitive like that. I'm, like, more of the camaraderie person. I like the, like, high-fiving of it all.

Good job. That kind of thing really appeals to me because it makes me feel like I'm not growing up. I'm like, yeah, I'm still part of a team, dudes. Right, exactly. And when they would act like that, I would be like, guys, this is a reckly. Come on. Like, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah.

But yeah, some people just have that thing, that aggression. Yeah. And that's definitely not as obviously common in women. Right. Men have some, not all men, hashtag, not all men, have some aggression. They got to work out. And that sometimes comes out in sports. And it can happen.

I mean, it happened. I'm not. I'm not, you know, I'm not like a fighter or even like a combative person. But I got fucking really hot at a church league softball game until one of my friends had to say to me like, it's church league. It's church league. It's church league. We're doing this for the Lord. Did you ever get in any tussles like in sports or?

I'm trying to think. I don't think so. I think I was the peacekeeper. Yeah. I was always the one pulling somebody away or telling both players to chill out. Yeah. Because I'm a tall girl too. And I'm guessing you play that role in life anyway.

Yeah. The one that kind of is keeping everybody okay. I think so. I'm very chill. I'm kind of like, hey, everybody, you know, chill out. What the hell are we doing? But because I was usually one of the bigger ones on the field or wherever it was, I could kind of get in between and get everybody to calm down.

Yeah. Yeah, that does. Size matters. Size does. Well, hashtag size matters. All right, well, let's go to the phones. Once again, we're talking sports. Andy Richard Collins show.

We're at 855-266-2-604. Kendra calling in. Hi, Kendra. Hey there. Hi. I love you guys. I love fortune so much. I was gifted a few years ago with a jingle from Joe Bolter.

Oh, that's my much. That's my Netflix joke show with Tom Papa. Oh, okay. Everybody should listen to it, obviously. So my family, when I was a kid, they were obsessed with ping pong. We were, every Thanksgiving break, we would go to Detroit to this national team tournament. People came from all over the globe to this place. And you live in Indiana, right?

So this isn't like you're in the suburbs. Like you had to travel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a good five-hour drive. Wow. Four to six kids in a Volkswagen Vanekon, I think.

Yeah, yeah. That's a lot. They were, and of course we would share one room. So that was super cool. Yeah. But we would have Thanksgiving dinner on Wednesday, take all the extra turkey and a giant Tupperware container. container and a cooler in the van and drive on up there.

My mom and stepdad were super high-rated, but we were like kind of lower middle. They had like classes A through J in this tournament, but usually in like the B or C group, there would be some teenage French-Canadian boys that were super cute. And mom didn't really like us cheering for these. other teams. One year we were actually up against some of the younger guys and my cousin and I sat there and we were like, oh, Simone, he's so good. And mom would glare at us. It was a really, I mean, certainly an interesting childhood. I was never, I was as good at ping pong as fortune as at swimming. Which we know is not very good. Swimming is not my forte. So we're not

going to see in the Olympics. We're not going to see you here in L.A. No. In 28. No, unless you want to see me running across the swimming pool. I mean, on Kendra, too. Oh, yeah, Kendra. Table tennis. Yeah, because that Olympic table tennis, that's awesome.

They're hardcore. Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah, and those guys are, that caliber goes to this national team's tournament. Wow. And they play like. They moved it to Baltimore. They play like six feet away from the table. Yeah, yeah.

That's how hard they're hitting it. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, Kendra, thank you for the call. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So great to talk to you guys.

Great to talk to you. I played ping pong recently, and I hadn't played in years. And it came back pretty quickly. Yeah, yeah. I do find it's one of those sports kind of like tennis. You're better when you're playing someone better. Yes. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Tennis is always that way. It's like I always feel bad because I'm usually playing somebody better than me, and I know they're raising my game, but I always feel like. Yeah, but I'm not doing the same for them. You know. Yeah, table tennis, I never been able to be very good at my cousins had it in the basement and stuff.

Yeah, well, because it requires another person to want to play with you. Right, exactly. What are you saying? What are you saying? Nobody wants to go play ping pong with me. No, I'm a loner. All right. Next up, we got Chris from New Hampshire.

Hey, Andy. Great to hear from you. Good to hear from you. How are you doing today? I've been better. Yeah, been better. I understand. Well, you got me and your fortune here.

Tell us your story. All right. So this is going to bring us back to about 30 years ago, which is crazy. But Little League Baseball, Northeast Massachusetts, right around the age where I started to figure out that I wasn't really that good at baseball, but it was still, you know, enjoyable for a kid that was about eight. And they finally let me pitch a game, which I had not done yet. I don't know if it was because we won enough games to proceed on. And they were like, I just let him have it. So I get up to the mound.

It's a late afternoon, summertime. And I throw a few pitches, you know, some in the strike zone, some outside, but feeling confident enough. And I throw a pitch. Here it hit the catcher's glove. He goes to throw it back. He throws it a little high. And like I mentioned, it's late afternoon.

So the sun's pretty low in the sky. and totally lose it. Lose it in the sun, put my glove up, and the ball hits me right in the mouth. Ooh. So knocked out my K-9 tooth. There's just blood pouring out of my face. Both benches get cleared. They're all, like, rushing to see what the hell happened because they didn't, you know,

from an outside perspective, you see the pitch. Nothing happens, so you just kind of look away. Yeah, yeah. And all of a sudden, this kid's on the counter bleeding. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and it's such like a not an unheroic way. Yeah. You know, it wasn't a line drive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Did you have to get another tooth, a fake tooth? Well, I think it was technically a baby tooth. Oh, there you go. That's good. Did you favor? Well, it wasn't loose, but it was loose.

So both teams came out and they just started digging in the mound for the tooth. Got fun. And I remember the kid that found it. I can be so thrilled to hold this thing up. He's like, I got it, I got it. And my poor grandfather was at that game. He just, for the rest of his, you know, time watching games for us, just thought he was bad luck.

I don't know. I mean, you obviously, they pulled you from the game, right? I mean. Yeah. Yeah, I was, I had a clother towel in my mouth, basically. I think I went home right after. but he'll have the baseball that did it, which is a nice souvenir to have.

Yeah, nice. There you go. Oh, that is good. Yeah, keep that. Yeah, in Little League, I had to pitch once because I think it was like nine and 10-year-olds, and the coach had used up all our 10-year-old pitching. Apparently, there was some, like, quota of different ages. Yeah.

You know, like to spread the game. And also so you can just dominate. Right. And so I was the best nine-year-old, which was still not good. Mr. Value in Aurora, Illinois, Coach Seppel Frick. What a name. And so I was just dreading it. I knew it was coming at the end of the previous game.

He was like, you're going to pitch next because I run out of 10-year-olds. And I'm like, it was miserable for days and just could not throw a strike. Really? Just. And they were. And people are like, and they're not even being mean, but I could see my team just getting, like, so frustrated. Right. And they're going like, just toss it to him.

Like, just toss it to him. Right. It's too much pressure. Yeah. And the other team started, like, swinging at obvious balls just to have something happen. Oh, it was the worst. It was the worst. It was a lot of pressure.

Yeah. Well, Chris, thank you so much. I'm glad your canine is back. Yeah. Full force. Yeah. The adult version. Better than ever.

All right. Thank you for having me on. We're going to go next. And Fortune, you know, we have a topic. Yeah. But we are willing to take calls on any topic. That's true. And we call that a wild card.

A wild card. Oh. Oh. Rich, I was setting you on. So we have a wild card call. Yeah. Yeah, there we go. Hi.

We have Brittany from Buffalo. I love the air horn. Yeah, this is exciting. That's right. How are you? Thanks for mixing it up for us. So I was supposed to call in the week that you had the fight theme, but I was actually at a Swinger resort in Jamaica.

Oh. Come on now. How is that? It was fun. Maybe not as much fun as calling in, but it was fun, you know. Wait, there's a resort just for swingers? Uh-huh. Yeah.

It's called hedonism. Okay. Oh, yeah. Oh, gotcha. Okay. I'm sure you have. Is it nude too? Yes.

Yeah. Nude and swinging. Naked the whole week. But you might as well be. Did you wear sunscreen? Did you have... So much sunscreen. You did.

You got to protect your bits. Yep. And you got to swing in. You got to carry a sitting towel no matter where you go. You got to carry that towel. 100%. That is rule number one of nudist colony etiquette. And you and you're one.

week was fulfilled all your dreams came true oh yes always always we go there every year because you know you can't get enough and you go there with your partner or with a friend or literally can't get enough well with my with my husband oh nice all right well good yeah yeah i could never do that in a million years i know i i'm sitting here thinking could i don't think i don't think i could but but I appreciate people who can. It's not for everyone, but you just have to kind of be cool with whatever, right? Yeah. Well, you know, there's different levels of it, but we're at the point now where we're pretty cool with whatever.

Yeah. Okay. All right. No, I mean, I'm not judging. I'm just saying like it's like somebody running an Iron Man or whatever, you know, like a triathlon. I'm like, oh, no, I could never fucking do that. No, thank you. That does not sound good.

Oh, wow. So tell us your story there, Brittany. Okay, so the story also has to do with nudity. Good. Surprise, surprise. I'm a skydiver, and sometimes we'll do naked skydive. Right. And so we were getting ready to.

I love to that you're from Buffalo. Yeah. Like the most inhospitable place to be nude on the planet. Exactly. Yeah. They're like two months out of the year where we can be naked. Right, right. So you've got to go for it.

We're eating chicken wings the rest of this, huh? You've got to. Full send when you can do it. So there are a lot of safety concerns with it's got to be naked because you don't have, like, a lot of drag because you're naked. So, like, the jumps usually have less people on them. There's a lot of planning of all the whole thing. So we were going to do this jump, and this other group of people insisted that they were coming with us. And I'm, like, I was the safety and training advisor, and so I'm, like, really safety-oriented.

And I was like, no, like, it's not safe. You can't do it. So she found out that we were still going on the jump. I was already naked. And she came in and started yelling at me and tearing her clothes off. Now we're in the middle of like a busy drop zone. She started tearing her clothes off. So now we're screaming at each other naked, just like in the middle of all these people,

which is the whole thing. They ended up coming on the jump with us. And her boyfriend ran into my boyfriend, which is always a funny thing to like, He likes to say that he was meat-missled by a naked man. Yeah. And, like, injured him, and he's fine now. But so I was right. Yeah.

Yeah. Did it have anything to do with the guy's massive schlong? Was that why you're... Yeah. Unfortunately not. Oh, okay. Unfortunately not. Just like, you know, just a bludgeoning.

Running into it. Yeah. Yeah. The naked bludgeoning. Oh. The naked fight was more fun than the skydive anyways, because I don't know how many. times of have a chance to sight naked. Yeah, yeah.

No, that does sound good. Now, you know what? There's a lot of a lot of call for that on the internet, too. You could probably, you know, get that woman back together and get yourself some only fans. Yeah, I mean, you're really living your best life. Just yelling nude. I'm doing my best. Yeah, it sounds like you're doing better than your best.

You're doing well beyond your best. Yes, yes. And you don't have to buy me any clothes, so. No, not at all. No. But I imagine you do let the hair grow if you need drag from, you know, like if you're going to be jumping, jumping nude, you might as well have a bush just to slow you down a little bit. A little something. Yeah, yeah.

Exactly. A little bit of speed control there. Yes, exactly. A literal landing strip for the landing strip. Hey-o. All right, Brittany. Well, thank you so much for calling in with that wild card. Nice.

All right. That was kind of sporty, you know. It sounded very sporty, yeah. You know, yeah, very sporty. Skydiving is, yeah, intense. Yeah, have you ever done that? God, no. Yeah, me neither.

I don't want to. I don't want to. No desire. Yeah, I like looking out of planes. Yeah. But I don't need to. To jump. Yeah.

I one time was that like a Fourth of July thing? Mm-hmm. And there were like precise skydivers that were going to land in the middle of this big intersection with like you know those smoke things on there yeah and so they dropped like from pretty much straight above us yeah and so you got this perspective that you never see because when you see them they look like they're floating they're not floating they're falling like a fucking rock yeah and when you stand directly below a skydiver you see like oh no they're just like

it was really like oh no any sort of like thought of like oh I'd like to do that I was like no no that's not floating I don't even like roller coasters so that's not so skydiving is not for someone like me exactly yeah oh all right and naked definitely not and naked no thank you all the bugs on your way now no thank you and just yeah just like

you gotta put those straps between your legs too it can't be good no Noah from New York. Hi. You ever do any skydiving nude? No, not really. Only clothes. All right.

Oh, you have done it, though. No, I did go skydiving one. Oh, okay. Another thrill seeker here. Yeah. Good job. Yeah, no, this is a strange sports story. It's about baseball.

So I grew up with the baseball my entire life. I fell in love with it. I played it. I followed it. And then in about, at about October 2021. It was about 19. Yeah, I believe that was 19.

And at this point, quarantine was like early on, but baseball had just come back and it was the playoffs. So it was kind of big for baseball fans at that point. And so MLB had this sweepstakes contest

because a lot of people were following baseball at that point. And it was kind of a game where you could, you were meant to predict outcomes of the playoff games, every single at bat, every single plate appearance before they occurred. And they tried to design the game such that it was completely luck-based, but I, from a program, I'm a programmer, by the way, from a programming perspective, I felt like it was solvable. So I, I, I, I, I'm a programmer, by the way, from, from a programming perspective. I felt like it was solvable. So I wrote a program to help me win at it. And so I started winning pretty well at it. So the first week, I got like 500 bucks. And so here's where it hit a little

bit of a snafu. So I was 19 at the time, about four years ago. And so it was sponsored by BetMGM. And you had to be 21 or older to receive money. Right. So I put my dad's information on it. Oh, no. And so he starts getting these checks from MLD for $500 and he texting like, what the fuck is this? Yeah.

Noah. And he didn't want to, I don't know. And I told him the whole story and he was just like, I don't really want any part of this. Yeah, for sure. But my sister was 23 at the time. So I got a new agreement with her where, you know, I would use her information. Right. She would keep her mouth shut.

And she would get her beak wet, I hope, a little bit. You know, she got a little taste. I said 5% for you. Oh, nice. Five percent. Why not? I would ask for 15. Yeah, no, she was, you know, she was easy, you know.

Yeah. You're a season negotiator. That's right. Yeah, I was good negotiating. The next week I won $5,000. Wow. Yeah. And so this time I put my sister's information.

So then they were a little bit confused. First, I was a 62-year-old man, and then I'm a 23-year-old girl. Right. Receiving the money under the same account. So they got a little bit suspicious, and they sent me an affidavit. Oh, yeah. that I had the sign saying that I was 21 or older. And so this, listen, I was 19 years old.

I was pretty broke. It was a conundrum for me. Yeah. Whether to commit to, nobody would have ever found out, by the way. Right. And is it even fraud? It would be very, is it very easy. Is it even illegal?

I was playing it was never. If he's not 21, it is. Oh, right. Yeah. And I don't think they would actually, maybe they would have taken legal action on, But in the end, I decided to just come clean about it and say, I can't take the 5,000. I'm not 21. And I got this email back from this guy pretty up in MLV that said, hey, we really appreciate that you were honest.

And I got some pretty cool people in the world of Sabremetrics. I don't know if people are into baseball Sabremetrics at all. But Tom Tango is a guy I got to meet. And he's like the father of baseball saber metrics. Oh, yeah, we all know that. Yeah. That's pretty cool. I'm sorry, no.

Because they were, were they were impressed with your skills? Is that? Yeah, they were. They were surprised that I was able to solve that game because it really was meant to be luck-based. My producer just brought up a picture of Tom Tango, and he does not look like the name. Tom tango. No. Yeah.

The name is false advertising. Well, now that you're of age, are you doing anything with this skill of yours? Well, I was a programmer for a while, but I don't know if I enjoyed it so much. It was more to make a decent amount of money, which I did for a bit, but for now, the last couple of years, I'm 23 now. Yeah. And I'd consider it to be, for the last couple of years, for me to be on mental health hiatus.

Got it. From programming. Yeah. I don't know because I've got depression, anxiety, ADHD, you know, just the mental health gumbo, you know? Right, right. So sitting alone in a room staring at a screen is really good for you. Oh, it's fantastic.

And that's when I, honestly, in the last year and a half, if I may be candid, it's where I rediscovered my love of comedy as well and watched every part of late, with Conan O'Brien. Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow. Thank you. It's awesome to be talking to you. It's like oddly a comedy legend for me.

Oh, well, thank you, Noah. That's nice. I assume you're talking to me. Because I'm very old, unfortunately. He did say you. I don't know that much of your work yet. Yeah. Well, you got to check her out.

You're fucking hilarious. I will. Yeah, December 3rd. Cushing it on Netflix. I'm sorry. I'll check her out. I'll try. All right.

All right, Noah. Thank you so much for the call. Yeah, yeah, thanks so much. I appreciate it. All right, this is the Andy Richter-Callin show. We're live, Conan O'Brien Radio. Me and Fortune Feamster are here to take your sports stories. You can give us a call at 855-266-204.

We have another caller coming in here. Guess what? What is it? Another wild card. Whoa. Oh, Edgar. from Chicago. Edgar.

Hello, hello. Breaking up the sports machismo. That's right. Yeah, we need to break that up right now. Yeah. I'm throwing the one card here, so that way we got this. So tell us about your story. The only note I have is scary.

So I better be scary. Well, put it to you like this, when was the last time you've ever seen poop that was the size of a football. What? Poop that was the size of a football? It's been a while. I would say like, I mean, elephant. I was about to say, I have been around.

No, coming from a human. Oh, from a human. No, no, never. Never. Because that's also, too, like, that's, you know, a human, you say a big poop, you're talking length. You're talking girth. Yeah, because that's a thick. That is, yeah, that is a baby.

Exactly. All right, so we're all, we're all ready for it. We're all lubed up, as it were. Well, you're going to need more than lube to understand this, okay? Okay, just lay it on us. Drop that dude. Just push it out. I don't know.

I mean, I'm trying to push it out. All right, I know. Not letting me get enough water in order to be, I'm like constant. Go ahead, Edgar. I'm sorry. So I was like 19 years of. working at a grocery store, just coming in like any other normal day, until I just see a bunch of people from store managers to employees to even customers all surrounded a toilet. And I'm just like, okay, what's going on?

So curiosity killed the cat. A toilet in a- Wait a minute, wait a toilet in the bathroom? Or I miss the first. Did you see you worked at a grocery store? Yes. This is like a toilet like in the employee bathroom or something? I wish it was the employee bathroom.

It's just a toilet in the bathroom. It's just the bathroom. Okay, got it. Okay. So just walking closer just to see what is everybody even like wondering what's going on, you start to smell, be like, okay, what died? Oh, no. And it started to get worse and worse, the closer and closer you get.

And by the time I looked at it, it was like a football, just sticking out and there was no water and you just wonder there are only two things that came out in my head. First one is where's the blood trail? Because there ain't no way

someone pushed that out without any kind of rectal like rupture or bleeding. Yes. Unless they're a prodigy. Unless they're like you know, have a certain set of skills.

Yeah, true. Talented. Or they had White Castle and Chipotle in one sitting. Yeah. Well, usually that doesn't come out as a football. Yeah, but it doesn't come out because, and two, who's going to clean that up? Right. Right.

Good question. Maintenance just left. Yeah, because that's going to. So who did clean it up? Yeah, so what happened? What happened? Guess who cleaned it up? The general manager of the store.

Oh. And I bet he had to chop it up with something first. Oh, my God. Sorry. Who knows how he did it? I just walked away. I'm just, I'm a scientist. I'm just thinking of it.

If there's no water in there, is there any possibility that the toilet somehow backed up? Burped up a giant accumulated turd? Yeah. Have we ever thought about that? I mean, it could have been. I don't know. All I noticed when I saw it is no water inside the bowl. Wow.

And a giant turd like pushing out. Yeah. And it was like, it's like the size of a football meets like a newborn fetus. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay. That was a fun one. What a wild card.

And then actually, while it was a wild card. Yeah. It did. It did tie back to sports. Right. Exactly. Oh, damn it. Yeah.

Thank you, Edgar. Damn it. See you later All right All right Next up We got Mark from Massachusetts Holy shit

How's it going Good So I'm here in Western Mass Me and my friends Would get together Sometimes before I like a Patriots game Back when Tom Brady

And you know All the good players Are still there Yeah Gromk Aelman Gronk Edelman

Yeah So something to look forward to Atleman At one point and so we'd get together to try to play some two-hand touch before like a 1 o'clock or 4 o'clock game on a Sunday. It was my turn to be on offense, so of course I went out and tried to catch the ball.

I got my brother-law Kenny thrown to me, and the first play, I dropped the ball, and we're like, right. I'll get out there again and try to make the same play. The second time, I made the catch. And then I just noticed something was not right with my left hand. So I was like, uh, something's not right here, guys. And of course, the guys are already busting my balls about, uh, don't be a pussy, man. So I was like, something's not right.

Like my left pinky finger just won't, like, come back to the rest of my hand. Oh. Yeah. So I'm like, it's just floating back to the rest of the fingers. I'm like, man, I think maybe, like, we should go to urgent care. Or something like that. And then my buddies are like, oh, we should just like YouTube it and see if we could try to like pop it back. Oh, no.

You know, we got a game. You know, after a few Miller lights, we're all doctors. But, yeah, so we obviously, we didn't try that. I was like, I finally got them to get me to go to urgent care. We go there. I'm in the room with the nurse, and they're waiting. We were not watching the Patriots game in the last. lobby and the way to get the results and I I group text in a picture of my x-ray and you can

literally hear them from the exam room cheering I'm saying oh my god because it was it was like shattered in like seven places oh wow is that our athletic system was on a full full display yeah did it ever when it heal, did it heal normally or no? I mean, it bends, but like, if I, you know, put it up against my right pinky, it definitely looks a little out of whack. Oh, a little bit of that. I know when a race starts putting. In high school, at a football practice, I was the center, and I went down, like, you know,

like blocking somebody, and I didn't even realize. But the next time up, I mean, I fell. Next time up, I went to hike the ball and I tossed it to the coach and I said, the ball's out of air. And he caught it and said, no, it isn't. And then he tossed it back to me and I squeezed it again. And I saw just my thumb was like just bending back when I was squeezing the ball. And it really was like, I relate to it because I didn't feel pain. Yeah.

I just really did. It really did read to me as the sensation of the ball. the ball being soft, you know? And so I was like, I think I better leave, coach. Yeah, I think a spring ankle literally was more painful than this shattered finger anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Mark. It was pretty wild.

Well, thanks for calling. I'm glad you're better, and I'm glad you can forecast the weather. Yeah, absolutely. All right, bye, bye, bye, thank you. All right, here we go. We're going to call Mike from Vermont, our last caller here. Hey, Andy. Hey, Fortune.

How are you guys? Hi, good. How are you? I'm doing well, thanks. So I used to be a bat boy for the Vermont Expos here in Vermont, the Nail Lake Monsters. And I was probably 12 years old. That's like a minor league team? Minor league, correct.

Yeah. And was it for Montreal, a feeder system for Montreal? At the time, yep, they were. Yeah, minor league teams for the Montreal Expos. Okay. So I was probably about 12 years old. You know, and at some point, you know, they move you from just, you know, grabbing back to the home plate to down the baselines.

So I went to the third baseline for a game. And I was sitting there in my chair, watching the game, doing my job, waiting for foul balls, come over my way towards the fence. And I was probably 10 or 15 feet behind the warm-up catcher because they literally had no bullpen, anybody who warmed up, literally just warmed up on the third base track of the first base track. Mm-hmm. So I'm watching the game, and all of a sudden,

I just happened to turn my head or turn my head to towards home plate and catch a ball right in my left eye. Oh. That the warm-up pitcher had pitched, and that must have been a slider or something and got past the catcher, hit the dirt, caught me probably still going about 65 or 70 miles an hour. Yeah. Caught me in the eye.

But, you know, for better or worse, I've got a pretty high tolerance for physical pain. But I did put myself on the ground, you know, just making sure I didn't pass out or anything. But I'm down there, and only a few people saw it, some people maybe behind the fence from the barbecue section. And the players, obviously, the players kind of knew what happened. So most of the stadium didn't see it and had no idea what happened. What happened, it probably holds about 3,000 people. So eventually people started seeing a group circle around the bad boy. My family was all there, so they knew I was working over there.

So my mom immediately thought something was really wrong. Anybody who came over didn't know what actually happened and why I was on the ground. So I got put on a stretcher, had the neck brace put on. I was just telling people. You know, I kept saying, I'm fine. It's literally just my eye. I put myself on the ground. It's not a neck thing.

Yeah, yeah. But carried me out on the stretcher. I got a standing ovation, gave the thumbs up. You know, as if I was an actual player in the game. But, and then so I got taken to the hospital, taking an ambulance. But what I didn't know is that the player would hit me gave my dad his bat. And my dad came into the hospital carrying the bat and also seeing me. And then hospital staff saw me as a kid with a black eye and my dad with the bat.

Oh, no. My dad had to sleep. Yeah, exactly. So my dad had to tell that story and say this is what happened. Like my son, you know, I would not have the bat with me if I done it right. Exactly. I'm so proud of him. I smacked my boy in the eye.

Carrying my bat with me. Yeah, I brought the bat with me to the hospital. Anyway, I went through all that. No structural damage, which is good. But I couldn't open my eye for about five days. Oh, that's been scary. And when I did finally open, I was on the couch at my parents' house. And all I saw when it finally opened was white.

so I thought I had gone blind in my life Yeah Yeah I'd never experienced anything like that in my life But eventually that went away But I made it back to the stadium a few days later We're in sunglasses But each team had given me like a signed bat But I still have

Wow that's nice Now did the game pause for even a second For this injured child It did Okay good It did once they figured out what was going on Yeah yeah People my brother at the time was like eight years old

He had sprinted over and like hopped the fence too. So now there's another kid on the other side of the fence. They're like, who is this kid? Why is he on the side of the fence? And my other question is, they did stop the game. The other question is, did the expos pick up the ER bill? That is a good question. I don't think they did.

Oh, that's good or not. Exploiting child labor and not following up when they get injured. You were due workman's comp. I know. I'm going to assume one of my parents. and just had good insurance, so I, you know, I never saw a bill. Yeah, yeah. Well, and they probably wouldn't tell you.

But, no, they, yeah. That'd be my first question as you're going out on the stretcher. You're paying for this, right? You know, coach? Yeah. Yeah. All right, Michael. Thanks for calling.

That was my sports story. Yeah, thanks, Mike. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. I appreciate it. Well, Fortune, that brings us to the end of our show. Andy, what great calls. Yeah, it was fun.

It was great having you here. Thanks for having me. A big of favorite. Yeah. Do you have a favorite that stands out? Well, I mean, how can, you know, naked skydiving not stand out? I can't. I mean, it's between that and the football turd.

The football turd was definitely a visual. Sure. That will stick with me. Right, right, right. But I don't, I can't. Yeah. I mean, it would be an insult to Brittany to choose a football turd over her conceptual nudity. And I know.

And I know she was a wild card. Right. Wild card. They both, in fact, were wild cards. They both were wild cards. Yeah. But she brought the wild in that card. Oh, man, she sure did.

So, yeah. Thank you, Brittany. Yeah. And, you know, winter's coming. So, um, clothe up and put away that razor. Get a coat until spring. All right. Once again, Fortune, your podcast is handsome with Tignataro.

and Mae Martin, get it wherever you get your podcast. Just not on the street, people. And your new comedy special, crushing it. Netflix, December 3rd, everybody, set your calendars. Set it. You can watch my other two Netflix specials right now to gear up for it. Right, right now. Go.

All right, bye. Thank you for listening to the Andy Richter-Callin show. I'll be back next week with more of the same.