The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Gareth Reynolds: Dad Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: April 17, 2026

This week, we're looking back at one of our favorite Call-In Show episodes, featuring comedian Gareth Reynolds, host of the "Next We Have" podcast and co-host of "We're Here to Help" and "The Dollop," talking DAD STORIES! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan Oprah. Conan O'Ber here. I was listening to what was coming on before us, and it was a Conan clip, which I guess there's a lot of those on this channel. And it sounded like somebody rolling in a clip from a movie that was largely action. So there seemed to be a minute of grunting and, you know, like footfalls. Is that what we're programming? The title was Colin Farrell Crotch Punch.

Wow. Colin Farrell, that is my new you porn search phrase. Colin Farrell, crotch punch with Bush, please. I don't like that shaved shit. I'm here today with Gareth Reynolds. Hi, Andy. Hello, Gareth. He's a comedian, podcaster, and writer.

You know him as the co-hosts of Here to Help, which I've been on. Yeah, right episode. You and Jake Johnson, you give advice. Not that great of advice, but I mean, it's not terrible. Thank you. No, you're absolutely right. We're not. You're not shrinks.

No. You're not lawyers. No. And we're not doctors. We had a guy who called in a couple weeks ago who every time he'd go in the sauna would get up and there'd be a little brown mark on his towel. and Jake and I gave tons of advice. Right.

And everyone in the comments was like, nobody suggested going to a doctor. And we were like, that's not bad. And then Jake was still dying on the hill going, you don't need to go to a doctor. You don't need to go to a doctor. You don't need to go. Come on. Yeah, you're good. You're leaking a little shit.

That's all. You're leaking. Give it a shit leak. It's a sauna. We all sweat poop. That's how it works. Oh, boy. So, yeah, it's free advice that feels free. Is what we say about we're here to help.

And you also do the polyp. A polyp. Jesus Christ. That's what that guy had in the sauna. That's fantastic that I just called it the polyp. I could not have tried harder. Oh, the polyp.

The dollop. The dollop. You and Dave Anthony, and you've been doing that for years. Which feels like the polypac. Yeah, it's been around so long and it won't go away. And you just never had it cut out. No.

Yeah, why bother? It's lingering. It's benign. It's benign. It's benign. Nobody really notices anymore. It's been around so long. Somebody has to have called it the

polyp before. I don't think in as great a fashion as you. That's the best Pollock drop. That was really, really good. That was perfect. That was really, really good as a get. That's like calling my kids by the other kids name. You know, they're, yeah, but I always feel like, come on, give me a break, but they're always like, they're really annoyed that I would call them by another kid's name, you know. Do you ever, my, my mother will start going through dead animal names before she'll arrive to, like, my brothers sometime. Like, she'll be like, Titch, and I'll be like, Titch died in a fire 35 years ago.

That was a cat that's dead. His name's Nick. He's my brother. He came from you. Oh, dear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, Titch, I mean, Nick is good. No, I am not offended by your polyp drop.

Okay, good. I think it's probably a little Freudian. But you guys, I mean, you guys have been doing that for how many years now? We're on 11. 11. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Because it was like we were talking before the show.

It was like a podcast before. I mean, because I was on podcast and I was like, what's a podcast? But I would do them because I'm just hungry for attention. I need to get out of the house. It's exactly how. That's exactly how I was be on podcast and I'd be like, what is it? And even when we were probably a year into the dollop, I was like, what are we doing? I was like, why do I go to this man's house?

Who is listening to these things? Where do we get these? Yeah, yeah. Where does all the talking go? It goes through a tube. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, it's 11 years. Wow.

Congratulations. Well, see, you say that, but it's like nobody can stop you. Right. It's like having a lemonade stand for 11 years. Yeah, it's not like NBC. I'm not Seinfeld. Stop squeezing those lemons. Nobody, it's up to us.

Right, exactly. So I guess congratulations. I don't know. It's you just keep putting pies on the windowsill. It's not good. And hoping that somebody steals them. It's not good. You can find your tour dates.

Are you touring all the time? All the time. I also... I have a third podcast, Andy. No shit. Yeah, and not a nightmare. Jesus. When will it end?

That's where I'm at. Yeah, yeah. It's called Next We Have. Okay. And that's my new one, and it's like segments, it's quick hits. It's really just silly, goofy. It's fun. It's like three to four segments a show, games, quick interviews.

Just fun stuff. Fun. Sugar. It's sugar. It's not like the polyp. Not like the fucking drudgery of this show. No, this has been. This is a chore. This is tough. This thing. This is tough.

I am so sorry. I know. It's just, I have this community service deal. Is that what it is? Is that what the ankle monitors on? They me too the shit out of me a few years ago. You got hammered. And I said, you got to do a radio call-in show.

And I was like, I meet too, Jude. I don't know if you remember that. I came with a class. I just wanted to get involved. I did. I did. I love a pile on. I know, but you knew I was handsy.

Yeah, I did. No. You got into that car. Well, listen. I mean, I chose backseat. But yeah, you could find me on tour at garethrennels.com. I'm all over. Do you tour a lot?

I do. I'm pretty much on the road most of the year. Oh, wow. Yeah, I go everywhere. I do like little traditional tours, little runs, then take a month off and then go like two months on. Do you, is the road, are you good with the road? now? You know, I started driving pretty much everywhere, which has made it way better. Oh, so like if you go to the East Coast, you just fly and rent a car and then just drive yourself?

Sometimes I'll drive to the East Coast. I have like a touring van. It's really dark and weird, but, and I, and I've tried to, I carry. Is it soundproof? It's out, yeah, yeah, yeah. Soundproof and there's drains in the floor. There's drains and there's tarps. You can't see. You know when you drive by a van on the freeway and you're like, that's, why there's so many Beanie babies and that's all I can Bad stuff is going on there. That's what I'm rolling in. Windows, a lot of towels, like, stitched into the window. Sure, sure, sure. But I've gotten pretty good at it.

I do have, like, a portable, what I call kitchen, which is a hot plate and a frying pan. Really? Yeah, so I like cooking the room. It's weird. Yeah. It's super weird, but it's made me better at touring. Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah.

Are you good on the road? Do you know? No, I was terrible. And I mean, and I only did it sort of. for a short time of like a touring kind of thing. Yeah. And that was between the Tonight Show and the TBS show. Yeah.

Conan and I did like a... I'm very familiar. I don't know. It's my maybe three months of a live tour, a live kind of variety-ish show. Yeah, yeah. And it was, I did not, I would not do well. I realized like I would be...

It's hard. As, as fat as I could possibly be. That's why I bring the kitchen. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The fat, the fattening on the road is really, it's hard. And for me, too, it is like this, this. There's that me too again, by the way.

It's emotional eating. It's just like I'm unhappy because I'm, you know, like I'm sick of being in airports and hotel rooms. And so I'm going to have whatever, you know. Well, it would start from, like, when I would just fly off, it would like, I would be good all week. And it would be like the second I got to the airport. Yeah. The wheels would come on. I'd be like, we're not even any, we're in my home city still.

And I'd be like, can I get a couple beers and fries? And I would just be like, this is really crazy. Do you have cheese? Just straight cheese? Can I get some cheese? Yeah. Big pile of cheese. Yeah.

So it's not easy. But the fattening is real. Nice. Thank you. Well, I know. I'm glad that you're coping because, yeah, like I say, I would not. I don't think I could handle it. No.

Yeah. You got a good thing here. I do. I do. I do. I do. I like being in one place for a while. And then I get crabby. Yeah. Our topic today, people out there, which if you have something to tell us, give a call at 855-266-2604, we're telling dad stories because your dad is actually in the control room.

My father, Peter, is here. He's visiting. He's visiting. Where's he live? Milwaukee. Oh, Milwaukee. Yep, speaking of cheese. Midwestern. Yeah. So that. That was a Milwaukee accent that I heard. Well, he's got a, he's from England. Oh, that's what it. And Wisconsin. So he sounds pretty classy for Wisconsin.

He sounds South African. The two melded together into like a blood diamond accent. Like a movie villain. Yeah. Yeah. So that's why when he had to take a piss, he's like, we're looking for the toilet. I'm looking for the toilet. I need to go over the bridge.

Where are the facilities? Yeah. And I need access to the electrical grid. No, but we just thought, you know, father's day just passed. And you're a dad, are you not? No. Oh, you're not. I have a cat.

That doesn't count. Come on. No, no, no. Doesn't count. All right, I have a son. Unless you birthed it. Well, yeah. I feel like biologically, I'm going to dig a hole here.

Right, right, exactly. I'll make up a son. So, yeah, I have a son. Jack. I keep calling him the other, I keep calling him the other. I love Jack. Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Such a good kid. He's a kid. Yeah, yeah. A hell of it. Shame you. They just disappeared. No, hold on a minute. You're not disappearing.

No. Sorry. All of a sudden this is turned into who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? I killed the child. No, you can't. I take it back. There's no Jack. But yeah, I think fathers is a good theme.

Yeah, and I certainly have them. I mean, you know, your dad in the short time I talk, talk to him, said wonderful things about you and said, you know, how nice that you treat him. And I don't think my father would say that about me. Is that right? Yeah. Do you feel like your kids treat you nicely? Yeah, I do.

But I also think that they are oblivious to me in a healthy amount in terms of just their ages. Right. They're 24, 19, and 5. Yeah. I mean, the 5-year-old can be alternately meaner than shit to me. and as sweet as you can possibly imagine to me. And I know, and she does tell me enough, like that she loves, you know, like that she absolutely loves her daddy. Yeah.

Even when she's mad, you know, because like I am the hammer, you know, like I am the dad. So I am the one that has to be. I like that nickname for you in general. Well. The hammer. The hammer. Yeah. No, I think, I definitely think that when I see my dad.

I definitely do like to make him. It's also like his shoe situation was a shit. Like he showed up with shoes that just looked like they came from. So I bought him some new shoes. I got him in soles. Oh, wow. Yeah. So there's also some stuff where I'm going like, you know, he's got other kids.

But I'm like, someone's got to step in in this shoe situation here. So I kind of stepped in regularly. Yeah. Are you that in your family? Because I'm definitely like I was just home in Chicago recently. and my mom lived in a in a condo that my sister and brother and I bought for her and she had one key. There was one key. Yeah.

And there was this like at dinner complaining about how there's only one key and where did the keys go and one. And like after dinner with my mom, I had, she had a thing to go to. I dropped her off. I was, you know, it was going to be about an hour. I went and made like six fucking keys at the hardware store. Like what the fuck? What is with you people? Jesus Christ.

Go get a fucking key made. Yeah. You know? And she was very grateful. But I mean, my brother and sister are competent people. But it's just like, they're not. Yeah. It's like, what do you just get it done?

Why? It stops the complaining. I think your heart's in the right place. Yeah. I think I am that. I think I do. I mean, honestly. But then if you look at me as a man, you'd be like, where are you for you?

Yeah, yeah. But I definitely like, that's different, though. I agree. That piece of shit, why should I do nice things for him? He's driving in a fan with the kitchen. No, no, you mean me, and you're absolutely right. No, I mean me. Oh, I mean us.

But no, I don't know. I think I do just, there are a lot of times where I just go like, yeah, I can help you really quickly with this stuff. I also, I like, am not a huge fan of our Amazon. culture, but I have an account, which to both of my parents appears to be near a superpower. Like literally, I'll be like, yeah, I can get it to you tomorrow. And they're like, how? How? How does that work?

I'm going to pay a billionaire to drop it off your house tomorrow. Right, right. So I think that helps a lot, too. Everything I do is... What do you think all that child labor is for? Like, let's enjoy it. Well, my dad's South African. He knows the...

He's a blood diamond trader for cry Pete. So, no, so I definitely, like, I think... think that helps. I take that, you know, that makes me seem better. Yeah, yeah. I am the Amazon guy. Yeah, yeah. Even though I hate it. But I still am like, I can get a portable air conditioner tomorrow. There you go. There you go. Quiet. We should go to the, go to the phone. I mean, it's right there in the name of the show. Yeah. Call in. Be wrong to not. Not, you know, jabber. Yeah, no, I agree. 855-266-2.4 is our number. We got our first caller. CM from L. L.A. C.M. Are you there? Hello?

Hey, can you hear me? Yeah, now I can hear you. Hello. Hello. Somebody pushed the right button, and now I can hear you. Okay. All right. You got me. You got Gareth. Tell us your story. All right. Well, I hope that I or my father don't get in trouble because of this story. Honestly, you know what that is of no concern to me. Yeah. Yeah. Don't care. All right. All right. So let her rip. All right. My father, he just turned 78 years old. I've always known. He's, I've always known. him as he was a he was a businessman i've never you know a very straight-laced guy while i was growing up um and in his older age he's kind of started to tell me some stories about his youth that i

really am i'm really surprised about but he told this story about in 1968 he was kind of a hippie and he had hippie friends and they used to they were drug runners they used to drive from the east coast to the west coast and pile, they would, they would line the cab of a Volkswagen bus with bricks of marijuana and then they just drive back and, you know, make, make a bunch of money. And this one particular day, they were driving back from California. And the driver said, my dad was riding a shotgun and the driver said, oh, I need to stop off for some gas. So he pulled off this highway in the middle of Wyoming. And they went to this gas station. where there were a bunch of these guys sitting in rocking chairs out in front of this gas station,

this old, old timey kind of gas station. The guy that gets out of the car, the driver, he's got long hair. He looks like a hippie, and he's out there. And my dad said, he noticed that one of the guys in the rocking chair had said something to him. And he heard in a certain tone that he knew was kind of like mouthing off. The driver had said something back to them. and then very quickly he puts the gas pump back in, gets in, he says, all right, we're getting out of here.

My dad said, what just happened back there? He said, no, it's nothing, it's nothing. So he starts driving really fast, and he gets back onto the highway. And a Volkswagen bus can't go that fast. No, they sure. Yeah, air-cooled, I believe. Right. A few minutes later, he kept seeing his friend, well, I'm going to leave out the name,

just kept looking in the rearview mirror, and then he said, oh, no. My dad looked in his mirror, and he saw a line of about six or seven pickup trucks, gaining speed on them. Really, they're in the middle of nowhere, and so these are the only other cars that were on the road, and they were flying up on them. It's like an easy rider sequel. Yeah, right. Very, very much, though, yes.

Before they knew it, the first truck rams into the back of their Volkswagen bus. Oh, boy. Oh, dear. And then he does it again, and he does it. it again, and these guys are all around them. Little did these guys in the pickup truck know that the third guy had been sleeping in the back of the cab. And if you ever seen the way that a Volkswagen bus, the back of the cab will open up, just like the entire thing just, it just, before they knew it, the back of the cab of this thing just opened up. And there's the third guy with a shotgun,

and he blows a hole right through where the driver is, right through the windshield, where the first truck is, and that truck just fell off into the embankment on the side of the freeway or the highway. Right. Then he blows a hole through the next one, then the next one, and he just shoots a hole through every single windshield. People definitely died that day. And then they closed up the thing, and then they just took off and went back home, and

they didn't speak of it again. And so my father told me. And your dad never asked what was the exchange? What caused this exchange? It was something that one of those guys in the rocking chair had said to him, and he was quick with some sort of response, I don't know, saying something bad about them, that they were so insulted that some hippie guy from New England would say something like this. And so, and that's basically, that's all I know. So, I mean, like you said, potential murders happen this day. Yeah, when you say he put a hole in the windshield where the driver would.

be. That's a nice way of saying. Yeah, with a shotgun. Driver's been shot. Yeah, yeah. That would be painful. And I can't imagine. At no point during that being like, what, what exactly did you say?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, you've got from Wyoming to the East Coast. Well, and then three. You know, even you sit down to have a meal. Can't you be like, hey, by the way. Well, they got away. So you would think on the rest of the road trip, you'd be like, okay, I'm dying.

What was it? What was the quip? But I understand That guy that he's dead now Unfortunately that guy He died recently So I'll never be able to ask him The friend's dead

Yeah So the only person alive is your father From the drug mule My father and the guy Well and also the guy that was in the back Your shotgun guy The guy The gun

Yeah Well It's Andy How many murders get confessed on this show Is that a regular Is that? This is pretty spicy

I gotta admit It's a good start I'd admit I also like that a guy just wakes up from a nap and it's like, I better shoot some people in the face. To go from R.E.M. to shoot, yeah. Wait, what the? Hold on.

Open the hatch. No, they're following us. Bangety bang. No, there are friends. No, you won't know. We're just having fun. We're fun in. Oh, dear.

Well, congrats to your father. We'll see him, yeah. Tell him, you know, tell him, you know, at least he's got that story. That's pretty exciting. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Made some good weed. Have you ever committed a murder?

I'm, no. Okay. Not at all. All right, good. Well, good. Well, happy Father's Day. At least you've broken the chain. Happy Father's Day.

Yeah. It's not genetic. Thank you. Thank you, guys. See you later. Bye-bye. All right, all right. Bye.

All right. Next up, we got Noah. Noah, hello. Hi, how are you? I'm good. Where are you calling from, Noah? Vancouver, British Columbia. Love it.

I love that town. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The best. It's very nice. So tell us what's your dad's story here? Slightly different direction than your previous caller. That's what?

That's what this show is all about. Yeah, a different crime. Our palate is full of many colors. That makes me gross. So this happened in 2011. Okay. When I was getting married and my folks were helping out with some of the details with the wedding. Yeah.

And after my mom and my now mother-in-law had spent an evening stuffing the envelopes, my dad's job was to take them to the post office to mail them out. And his hands were full when he got to the car. So he put the envelope, you know, the box with the envelopes on top of his car. And you'll never guess what happened next. Oh, boy. He met Romneyed. He just, he just rolled. That's not the same.

Well, he didn't forget the dog was up there. That was intentional. That's what makes it. okay. He thought that was okay. He knew it was fun. He teen wolfed. That's a deep cut. Not all the jobs, worry about Mitt Romney's dog.

So he drove to the post office, exactly what you think happened, happened. And so he gets there and what do you know? There's no envelopes. And so my parents call me a little concerned about this. I think there were 70 some, I don't remember how many

total, but fair amount like a purple magenta color things, a pretty bright, easy to spot. Yeah. And so they had driven the route several times. I drove the route, you know, it's not that far in the post office, nothing. We contact my in-laws, my now-in-laws, and tell them what happened and to be alert, because I think there was something in the invitation itself that would link to, like, you could contact

them. Yeah. That was where there's return to or whatever. So it turns out that two guys, two different guys, Johnny and. Scott, never got their last names, had found the envelopes in different batches somewhere along the curb and the gutter. Johnny was, I remember him being incredulous that nobody had stopped to pick them up because they obviously looked important. Yeah. People were driving over them. So I'd made two separate trips. They both lived within a mile or two of my parents' house.

And so once I got the address from my mother-in-law, went over there and got him, and we were able to salv it. My mom and I were cross-referencing the list and, you know, checking it. sure you got everybody covered. Yeah. Right. And then there was only a handful. I mean, to be honest, I was not like, you know what, it's good enough. We can just blame it on the post office. You know, it's fine. Like if it wasn't too terrible. Right. You got all your vital guests covered. So we got it back. And I remember, you know, I went over, thank them. I asked them like, do you guys, well, do you want to come to the wedding? Do you want like a money as a reward kind of thing? And said, no. So they just gave me each, gave me a name of like a charity they like. I think I made a

donation in their honor or something. And then, um, you know, we, we got the envelopes back. And then, um, enough of them. And then hand wrote, I think my mom hand wrote a few other ones and got the envelope out. But it's just like a, a great dad story of like that was his big piece for the wedding. And I'll be honest, like, I don't know since there's always been a thing for my wife of like, she loves my dad. Uh, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, trust the opposite that will never fully heal, I would say. You cannot trust that hapless fucker. That's the basic truth.

It's one thing to multitask and then leave something like that on the route. It's still not okay. Absolutely. But to be, to have one job. Yes. And to just get in your car and start driving at no point. What am I doing? Especially that job.

That job's big. That job is a pretty big job. It's a big job. Yeah, yeah. And then to just drive the whole way. I have terrible. Get to the post office. Yeah.

Now wait, no, wait a minute. What was this whole task about? Maybe I already mailed them. That's the old-fashioned way. Yeah. Yeah, so we're big into e-cards in our family now. Well, in many ways, it might be the Lord's way of calling the herd, of those who should be invited and those who should be left off, I think.

You do have the best excuse if you, if someone wasn't invited to the wedding, which can I'm a big cusper. So it's like I always get left off That is the best excuse ever Yeah yeah I don't know we lost like 30 yeah right exactly It was nuts out there It was like a It was D day of wedding invitations out there

It was like you know how they I think it was Jim Baker Televangelist they found like bags of donation Of mail Just like tossed in a ditch Jesus Fuck them You know

Yeah he was good Yeah, yeah. My favorite part is that my wife was coming, she was finishing up medical school at the time, my fiance. And so she was coming back. She'd done like a mission trip in, I want to say South Africa. Yeah, that's what I'm going to dance from.

All of course. So she just, she landed, like she was landing in a few hours or something, and then got, I didn't heard the whole story. But fortunately, you know, had to, had to miss or got to miss the hectic, like, we don't know the winning. Yeah, yeah. She got the catchout. But still, there's,

stress of just knowing that that was out there. Like that's, you know, that's exactly why, like, I would say, because like I said, my attention span is shit. Yeah. But if I were in that position, I would realize the stakes. Oh, yeah. Involved in terms of like, if you fuck this up, what that is going to do to other people. And I don't even mean it in the sense of like, you know, I'll get in trouble. I mean, like, people will be fucking flipped out. Yes. Yes. How did your dad manage all that? Did he seem super stressful?

Like, that would give me real audited. Did he seem to sort of just be like, hey, whoops? I just realized he left in the middle of that call. Oh, Noah just left. He left. Oh, all right. Fine, Lula. Maybe his dad had him on the roof of his car.

I don't know what the hell happened. He just went right up the sunroof. It's how they do it. All right. Well, thank you for the call, Noah. You came back if you want to say proper goodbye. Yeah. Oh, okay.

It would be nice. You there, Noah? Yeah, sorry. Okay, that's all right. We just wanted to say goodbye. Yeah. We're very curious what happened, but we'll just go. No, it's fine.

We're still married. But there was a, one of my favorite stories, Andy, about my dad is that we were in MoMA in 2001. And my mom was taken out because she had seen Yoko Ono, which was really excited for her. And so she's really excited. We're leaving the museum. She's super excited. We go outside. My dad runs up.

He's super excited. Noah, is that Conan O'Brien? and we look across the street, and it's Conan O'Brien, I believe you've met the man. He's not like, he can't hide it in York. Yeah, no, he's a parade float.

Right, yeah. So I scamper, like John Stewart can probably hide within the New York population. I don't think Conan can. And so I walk quickly to catch up to Conan and turn and go, Conan,

like really, you know, fan girling out over him. Yeah. And he looks at me, kind of gives me this like, I'm almost a foot shorter than I'm probably. And he looks down to me,

and then just turns away, picks up the pace, and scurries into the subway, never to be seen again. Yeah. Yeah. I like that too. My mom being super excited for Yoko and I.

My dad being super excited. Like, that's totally them. Right. And my dad is excited to see Conan. So still, I bet you, Conan was warmer than Yoko.

Yes. Had to be. Had to be. Did you chase Yoko as well? I can't know what a lot of the day that this happened to him. Yeah. Well,

actually, you know, he actually is really good about, about being noticed and people coming up to him and stuff. He's far better than I am. And I'm not even like rude or anything. Yeah. Certainly not like he'll chew the fat with people.

Oh, there are some people are so good at being famous. Yeah. And you're like, wow, that is. I went on the road with David Kekner for a while. And I genuinely a few times saw people be like, well, I have to go. Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, David, you're too good to these people. No, I've known, I've known Dave since like 1989.

Yeah, he's good at it. He's, yeah, he's very good. Well, it's, and his is a very Midwestern version. Yeah, right. Like to sit down at a table and just like turn to the next table. Well, where are you folks from? Yeah, he's running, he's got bits galore. Yeah, just loves it.

Yeah, and genuinely, people are like, holy shit. This is insane. You're hurting my arm. That's my wife. Don't kiss her. All right, Noah, thank you so much. All right, guys. Thank you.

Mazel Toff on the 11 years or whatever it was. Yeah, it's as long as the dollar. Oh, no, I mean 15 years. Oh, never mind. A little more. Okay, bye. All right, 855-266-2.04. We're talking dads.

Dads, if you're from Chicago. Stephen. Are you there? Stephen. Yes, hi. How are you? I'm good. I'm good.

How are you? Good. Thanks. Well, you know, my dad was not running drugs in some 1970s hippie cartel, but he did once throw a live turkey into his ex-wife's backyard. Oh. Is that some sort of... That's it.

That's the whole story. Oh. In some countries, that's a... Legal divorce. No, it's an attempt for reconciliation. I didn't realize that. I thought the other... Yeah, I mean, that's not a bad thing.

Right. It is actually a nice gesture. Sure. I've been in some arguments. If a turkey was gifted, I could see myself dropping whatever was going on. I mean, you do have... If you're going to eat it, you do have to butcher it. I'd raise it.

Would you? I'd be raising it. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I'd be raising it. They could be really mean, though. They could be nice, too. Well, if it's a turkey vulture, I'd probably try to get out of that one because they are. That's unrelated.

Unrelated. Yeah, no, if it was just a turkey. I mean, I'd at least give it a shot. All right. Maybe a couple weeks, seeing how we work as roomies. Any of Gareth's friends there out there, you know. Or exes. Yeah, or exes.

And let's talk. She's got a birthday coming up. Yeah. Always. Was that it? Did he go? Stephen? That was it.

What was his motivation? My mom... What was his motivation for? My mom didn't take it. Yeah. Oh, it's your mom? Kind of an odd one. It's my mom, yeah.

Oh, wow. How did he acquire the turkey? Okay, so I was very young. I'd blocked out most of the childhood. So I have no idea how he got the turkey. My mom didn't appreciate it, so it wasn't take it. And as you guys have kind of gracefully said, that, you know, this should have been some type of reconciliation. Well, she seems real uptight.

Yeah, I get why he left. Yeah, yeah. This is crazy. Can't roll with the turkeys. Good Lord. I mean, yeah, chivalry's dead. But I think my mom just, to be quite honest, I'm not 100% of what happened to the turkey. And this sounds are really grim, but I think my mom just ignored it and it died.

See, Stephen, if in my family this was a story. The endless questions I would have and I would get closure. And look, if she didn't leave it for dead, it's awful. But I would know. I'd know where my dad got it. Right. You might, this could be, honestly, Netflix could get two docs out of this. So that's, there's a lot here.

You might want to dig a little further. There's more meat on the bone, part of the pond. Oh, boy. I'm sorry, Andy. Oh, boy. Andy. It's all right. Thank you.

All right. This is the easiest story for my family. This is the one that I could actually say. Well, you did. This is the fun one that involves animal death through neglect. You did allude to the fact that your childhood's been blocked out. I think both of us comedically just sidesteped the land right now. Right, right.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah, I mean, we probably could make that funny, but, you know, we've only got like 25 minutes left. Yeah. All right, Stephen, thank you for the call. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you. All right, bye-bye. All right.

Next up, Sean, calling from Massachusetts. Sean, are you there? You got Gareth. You got Andy. Hi, Andy. Hi, Gareth. How are you doing today? Good, thanks.

How are you? Doing good. Doing good. So here's the story I want to tell you about two pieces of context. My father liked to play pranks. And my father had, he had both a pacemaker and a defibrillator implanted in his chest. Okay? You know, that's a pretty cocky guy for having all that machinery in him.

It's iron. Playing pranks. I didn't. Am I? When all a well-placed magnet could fuck him up pretty bad. He might have not even had that in there. It's the lawn con. It may be perfectly else.

I didn't know you could get a defibrillator put inside of you. I guess. I always thought it was an external. I'm taking Sean's word for it. I think he's pranking us. All right, Sean. So, okay, continue, continue. You and your dad, Iron Man.

Yes, yes. So, long, years ago, he passed away. And when somebody who has these devices, and when they pass away, that somebody comes in and they, they got a little wand or whatever, they wave all with the device to shut it off. Okay, so this happened.

And so, okay, so fast forward three days. I'm at the Taylor getting the last fitting of my suit before the wake, which is in a few hours. And the funeral director calls me. And I remember his name, but I remember he had a very strong Midwestern accent. And he said, oh, hi, Sean. He's Mr. funeral director.

Everything's fine here except for a small snagged. This hasn't really happened before in my third years of doing this. I don't know how to say this. And I'm like, yeah, just spit it out. He says, okay, well, dad, yeah, is, well, dad is beeping. And I just, I lost it because I knew exactly what had happened. And I'm laughing hysterically in the Taylor's shop and tears out my face. They're like, what's wrong?

And I'm like, my goodness, breathing. Like, as I'm, he's certainly laughing. So the guy at the hospital turned off the pacemaker, but he didn't know about the distribulator, so he just didn't turn it off. And three days later, this is like the little, you know, the tribulator that could, like, hey, something might be wrong with this guy.

Three days. That's top-knock technology. Well, what happens? Well, if your heart stops for three days, it beeps. Oh, that'll say. Yeah, okay. My insurance covers that? I guess I'll take it.

I don't know. Yeah. They said, don't get your health care at Walmart, but they were wrong. I do like having something inside of me that three days later gets to make a noise. Yeah, exactly. You could go with many, like just even a catch friend or just like, I'm, ow, ow, you know. Hey, let me out of here. I'm a little guy inside of the dead guy.

Oh, wow. So what did you, did he just beep? the entire ceremony or service? There was apparently an emergency number for medical device people, and they got somebody to come out, and they turned that one off, and so it was all set. But in the short difficult time, I very much enjoyed thinking my dad got to play, you know,

a war-ball prank on the end. Yeah, yeah, no kidding. Help me through the whole thing. God, good for him. What better thing to bring to awake than your father sounding like an alarm going off? Yeah, yeah. Really just. Yeah, like a.

cast you a walk. Yeah, it is awake. I mean, stay up. I, it actually, though, your story did answer the question for me, which was, why turn them off? Yeah. You know, like, who cares? And also, thump, thump, thump, go to town. If you're the wand guy, come on, let's, you got a list of two things here. Let's get them both. You're making one trip. Let's get them both. Yeah. That sounds like the wand. Yeah. So I guess that's why you have to turn them off because they'll beep. Yes. At the Three days later, you know, just for the week. Right, just to let you know you're dead. Yep.

Absolutely. Or where he's located. It's like when you lose keys. Yeah, yeah. There's dad. Oh, thanks, Dad. All right, John. Thank you so much.

Thank you very much. Uh-huh. All right. Next, am I going to Mike or to Kate? All right. Kate, Kate from Pennsylvania. Hello. Hello, Kate.

How's the wind tunnel? Yeah, I am driving. All right, that's okay. That's fine. Sorry about my dad. who is the smartest man I know. He's a retired doc. We used to have Awanahs growing up.

Oh, wow. Also, important, know that my parents do not swear big people, but I was coming home from school, and I hear my dad yell, fuck. I go, oh, God, something happened. I go upstairs and I see blood everywhere. I had bit him when my dad went to. Juana has very sharp, razor-sharp teethers,

just to unhinged their jaw when that happened. My dad did not know that. He ripped the iguana off. Aguana ate his nose. And I... Eat your father's nose. Went by the case. He had to get plastic surgery, but like a good chunk of flesh came off.

Oh. So when I went by the iguana, I have this vision in my head. Like, before I saw my dad in the blood, I was like the guana is eating something. And it was the nose. Oh. Wow. Wow. I mean, okay, did he keep the iguana?

Yeah, we kept the guana. I mean, I don't know, like, you know, we fed it at an arm's length from then on out. Yeah. No more kissing the iguana. Or me, I would have gone straight in the microwave. That's it. Oh, pious. Yeah.

I'll teach you. That's awkward. Oh, my God. And your nose. Nose. It's a big player on the fit. It's it. It's the headliner.

The good news is, I mean, he was a retired doc. He had some nice plastic surgery. They did a great job. Really? Like you couldn't tell a great job? Yeah. Okay. And did his nose look, did it look the same?

He has like a curve in his nose, but same. It has like a fun, like curve on it. See, I've never wanted any. If someone was describing my nose and the word fun was involved, I'm not loving the compliment I'm being tossed. It's a fun curve. He's got a fun curve. He's got a curveball nose.

It's fun. It's a twist. You're not going to believe the ending. Oh, well. Your father's still with us? Yes, she is still with us. Still have iguanas to any animals? No.

No, no, no, no. Yeah. He has some dogs. Dogs, you know, they are much nicer. Yes, yes. Yeah, good. Yeah, I'm going to say no to iguanas now. I'm still open.

Okay. Yeah, it's good. For people that listen to have them, you need to unhinge their job. What does that mean? What do you, there's like a kill switch? I don't want a dog at something. Uh-huh. A dog, like, if a dog is holding something, they're not supposed to, right?

You sort of put your fingers in, they're at the back of their jaw. Okay. And your dad, your dad ripped the iguana off his nose, basically. Just ripped it off, which I get. It's an automatic reaction. Yeah, yeah. Get this thing off. You panic.

Yeah. Yeah. You are pressed for time when you have a lizard clamped on your face. We can Monday morning quarterback it, but it's a lot of it. until you're in that position, you don't know what you're going to do. Yeah, until the dinosaur is hooked on to you. Exactly. Eyesides, 2020. Sure.

Yeah. Hind nose. All right, Kate, well, thank you so much for the call. You're welcome for the visual. Thank you. Okay. All right, bye-bye. 855-266-2-604.

We got time for a few more calls. We're talking dads today. Mike from Rhode Island. Are you there, Mike? Hey, good. Yes, I am. Good afternoon. Thanks for taking the call.

Sure. You got me and Garrett. Hey, Garrett. Andy, big fan. Thank you. That's tough. It's like, quite honestly,

really like a long time. So it's a pleasure. Oh, thank you. And the other guy, sorry. No, I'll get there. Yeah, yeah.

You know, Mike, it was already difficult. Right, right. You could have just let it lie. Yeah. And then you pushed it right. Garth Reynolds. com.

Thank you. Yeah, Garthrennoldz. com, now you got homework. Thank you. All right. Well, Mike, tell us your story about your dad.

Let's just, move on to your dad before Gareth kills himself. It's fine, Mike. I'm fine. I got to tell you, just a quick sidebar before the dad's story. I'm literally sitting in traffic in Providence, and the guy told the story about the pacemaker defibrillator. Yeah. I worked with a guy from Providence, Rhode Island, who actually had a pacemaker defibrillator

from like a birth defect, and he was young and he had it. And we get together for a meeting, and he's. He was a day late to the meeting. So he comes to the meeting and we're like, hey, you know, where were you? And he's like, oh, you know, doctor's appointment. And we're like, you know, all day, doctor's appointment or whatever. Here, with a pacemaker defibrillator, once a year, he had to go to the hospital. And they stopped his freaking heart to test the defibrillator.

That's not a truth. Once a year, he'd have to go to the hospital. and he'd be dead for a couple of seconds, and then they'd kick that thing on and make sure it worked. Wow. So things you don't know about, basically you get to frivolators. Yeah.

But your side story's out of the way, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Now tell us about your dad. Passed away a couple years ago. Worked for the phone company in New Jersey for 40 years. Okay. And there was not a bar in North Jersey where he wasn't essentially norm at.

So the family joke was every time we went anywhere, anywhere. in the United States, my dad was inevitably meet someone that he'd do. And he couldn't remember their name to save their life. So as a kid, I'd be like, hey, dad, who was that? And he just made up this name, oh, that's Charlie Smith. So after I realized, you know, 12 or 13 when I met 20 Charlie Smith, that my father had no idea how to remember her name, but it was a big joke that everywhere we met, everywhere we went,

did he do somebody. In the late 70s, we took a vacation up to Nova Scotia, and we were out in the Bay of Fundy. And for those of you that are not familiar with the Bay of Fundy, it's got the greatest tide change like in the world. It's like a 30 or 40-foot tide change. My father and I are low-tide Bay of Fundy, half a mile offshore,

middle of nowhere of the world, and lo and behold, there's this guy snorkeling. Literally snorkels right into my father, gets up out of the water, pulls the mask off. It says, holy shit, Johnny back! God's honest truth. Middle of nowhere, out in the world.

And if I could drown myself in three feet of water at, you know, 13 years old, I certainly want it down at an attack point. So that's my dad's story. And I miss him and he was a good man. Oh, well, that's sweet. Your dad's a legend. And now more people know about him because he called in the show.

And I'm glad that it was in Jersey because I saw that you're from Rhode Island and it said your dad, you know, the synopsis was that your dad knows everyone. I'm like, yeah, in Rhode Island, how hard is that, you know? So, Roads really like a county. It's not even a state. Exactly. No, exactly. I do love it, though.

I really like that. I do, too. I love Providence is a really cool town. It gets a bad rap, but I don't know why. Yeah, yeah. I like it. I like it a lot. It's the best eaten Italian city on the East Coast.

Yeah. I agree. I agree. All right. Well, Mike, I appreciate you guys. Thanks for the call. All right. Thanks for not being a fan of mine, Mike.

We'll talk to you later, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gareth Reynolds. Mike, it's too late. We got to go. Gareth Reynolds.com. Thank you. Here to help.

Next we have. For Christ's sake. Thank you, Andy. Adam. Adam, are you there? Please be a fan of Gareth. Just lie to me. Just tell him that you're a big fan.

I've got eight podcasts. Huge fan. He started another one while he was here. I just, I love the idea of this show. I'm doing it. I'm doing the Andy Gareth show. Yeah. I have a picture of him tattooed on my back.

All right. That's nice. At least you, everyone tells you. Can I be honest? It's a little far. I just, can I get something? No, you cannot. This is the Goldilocks show.

This is where you just should be quiet. It's a little much. Yes, of course it is, but you just don't tell him. Maybe someone who likes my stuff and shares it. It's either all or nothing with these people. Has there I have seen people have gotten tattoos of me. Yeah. It's not, it's not, it does not feel good.

Well, have you ever had to sign someone for a tattoo? I've had that. Oh, and then they get it tattooed over it. Yeah, it's like the highest-stake signature ever. And I'm like, that's not what it actually looks like. Yeah, right, right. Oh, God. Poor guy.

All right, Adam. Tell us. My dad, older guy, you know, grew up born in the 40s. Yeah. So of that generation where they're not really good at showing love, very. That's what he'll tell you. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's a generational issue. Right, right. It's not my fault. It was the 40s. Get the fuck out of here. I don't, I'm not allowed to love you. Yeah, yeah.

Well, they're just expressing it. I understand. I know, I mean, we're having fun here. That's the idea. Yeah. So a few years back, I was a kidney stone that was infected. and I had to be rushed into surgery because of, you know, sepsis and all that. Sure.

And so I called my folks to let them know that, hey, I'm going in for surgery. And my mom is freaking out. She's like, that's sepsis. You could die. Like, this is very serious. You need to take this seriously. And in the background, I can hear my dad, like, can I speak with them? Can I speak with them?

And my mom's going, your cousin had her leg amputated because of it. Thanks, ma'am. And finally, she's like, Like, here, your dad wants to talk to you. My dad gets on the phone and goes, you see the Bears game last night? Wow. And I can hear my mom freaking out. But that's how he showed love.

Right, right. He's like, hey, here's this thing I enjoy. Yeah, but honestly. I know we talk about it all the time. Right. Honestly, who's more helpful to you in that moment? Yeah. Your mom telling you what you're already know or him.

Dad's shaking the keys. I'm like, yeah, exactly. Things are going to keep going. Look over here. We're still going to keep up our relationship of small talk. You want a combination. Look, here's what's going to happen and it's going to be okay. Was this your card?

And you were okay after the kidney stone? Yeah, you obviously. You didn't get sepsis? I mean, we're assuming. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay. Had you seen the Bears game?

I did actually see the game. So it was a double thing. I couldn't talk about it because they're like, get off the phone. We're going to get you into surgery. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Wait, I simply must talk about it. We need a QB.

Yeah, yeah. I must complain about the bears because that's all you can do, apparently. I agree. All right, Adam. Well, thank you for the call. Thank you for letting me speak. No trouble. Thanks to the back tattoo, buddy.

Love you guys. Love you. Oh, yeah. All right. Okay, can I ask a question about tattoos? Yes, of course you can. So do you get upset if you see someone who has a tattoo and it looks nothing like you? Like when you say, oh, I have a tattoo.

No, actually, I think that might make it easier. It's just when somebody puts a tattoo of your face on them, it's not a rational act. And I think that they've invested too much in me. Hard to react to. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, of course, in a sense, it's flattering. It is like an expression of admiration.

But at least they're not getting it lasered. That would be hang around. I bet you probably most of them have gotten lasered. No. Yeah. Or just transition into some kind of like floral designs. This used to be Andy Richter. Yeah, yeah.

It's a daisy. Yeah, now it's, you know, now it's an oak leaf. Now it's Santa Claus. Yeah. All right, Adam. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right.

We got time for one more, yeah? Okay. We're talking to Andy. Andy to Andy. Hello? Hello. How are you? I'm good, Andy.

You've got Andy and Gareth here. How are you? I don't have a tattoo of your face, but I do have Andy Richter controls the universe on DVD. Oh, okay. See, that's fine. That's great. That'll do. Entirely appropriate.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like if I ever did get a tattoo of your face, I would be one of the people who got it lasered. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm not, listen, I'm not that hot on me these days. Stop it. No, I used to be great.

Oh, stop it, Andy. I used to be at the top of my game. You still are. Oh, okay. Come on. All right, well, tell us your dad's story here. Yeah, so my story is there's a bit of a tradition, starting with my father's father, of having some wise words to pass on. The two phrases that my grandfather was known for that I remember, because I've heard that there were a bunch of them.

But many are called, few get up. And my personal favorite, if at first you don't succeed, try the outfield. Hmm. Hmm. That's a nice adage. That's pretty good. So when I was a senior in high school, I did some dumb shit, and I got a Saturday detention for it. Okay. And the letter came from the school. My father was the one who was opening the mail that day, calls me into the den either, you know, by my name or some derogatory expression. Yeah. Which was, you know, shit bird. Still common from him, as a matter of fact. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like, hey, asshole, get in here. Right. And I poke my head in and I say, yeah, and he, like, waves the letter at me informing him of my Saturday detention. And he says, don't be a jerk off your whole life. And I laugh in his face and I say, okay, and I leave. And it turned out to be really good advice. I took me about another decade for me to actually take him up on that advice. But.

Right. Well, you spend a little time as a jerk off. Yeah. I mean, do you know any, you know, teenage. early 20 males who aren't, you know, just a little bit of a jerk off. Yeah. If you're going to be a jerk off, your youth is the time. Get it out of your system. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, young and jerk off, that's cute. Yeah. Yeah, right. You know. You're a bad boy. Yeah. And you're 30s and you're still a jerk off.

Asshole. Not cute. No. Not cute at all. Not cute at all. Or that's, none it's time to get a job and pay some fucking bills. Absolutely. Yeah.

Absolutely. Well, you're not, I think, I speak for both of us when I say, you're not a jerk off. No. So you're great. As far as I can tell. I used to be. You got it together enough to call into a radio show.

Yeah. That's true. And I did after work, as a matter of fact. I waited until I was, I was and it's clocked out for my job. Oh, that's good. That's good. Making dad proud. That's great.

All right, Andy, thank you so much for the call. Thanks for having me, guys. All right. All right. All right. Okay. See you. See you.

Well, that's our show. Let me tell you one quick. one from my dad. Of course. Very quick. That just reminded me of one where my school said every day you have to come home and read for an hour. And my dad was going off the microwave clock before we had phones and all that stuff. Right. And like a day into it, I realized I could just set the microwave an hour ahead and not do anything. So when he came in, I'd be like, well, it's over. Yeah, yeah. I already did my reading. Yeah, he would look at the clock and be, oh, okay. And I would just be just 630 to 7.30. It'd be, boom, done. All right. Next. There's like three days. He was like, wait a minute.

Well, would you then set it back to the real time? Yeah, eventually. Yeah, and I was probably putting it in a minute he probably thought he was having some sort of dementia problem. I really am losing track of time. Yeah, but for like three nights at work and then I got caught. But no, it's been a pleasure. Thank you for having you on Andy. Thank you for coming in, Garrett.

We usually pick the favorite. I mean, we're not going to do better than murder. I'm going to go iguana nose. Oh, all right. That to me is. I guess we are going to do better than murder. Well, it's when you get the syphilis. look from a lizard that you're domesticating.

I don't know. The murder one was a... We started with the main course. We really did. Yeah. They brought out the bank. It was a grabber, as they say, in speech writing class. And he really didn't...

There wasn't much to it other than three murders had occurred around his father. And that was it. And then again, too, like an incredible lack of follow through. Yeah. Like, follow up, I should say. Like, yeah. I just don't understand how you can't. If my dad was involved in a murder,

I would, first thing I would do is know everything. Second thing I would do is not call a show. Yeah. That would be the end of ever, I'd be like, no, they're going to trace it.

At least I know about it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, there was, I had to do, there's a story that I could have told that reminded me,

somebody's story reminded me of, that I can't tell on the air. See, that's how they're supposed to be that. And I was about to and I was like, maybe I should. No, you got the brain bounce. Yeah, yeah, I can't do that. That guy didn't have that.

He sure didn't. That guy was sitting on hold the long, he was like, all right, I'm going to jump out of the gate and just, and, wow, three murders. This might be like, someone might have a cork board with yarn right now and be like, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on a minute. Volkswagen van. I know that guy. Gareth, again, his podcast, here to help, the dollop.

Next we have with Gareth Reynolds. Yeah, gareth Reynolds.com for stand-up dates. Does your dad have anything you wants to plug? No, no. He's got some sketch or slip-ins he's excited about. Oh, nice. Placeting me. Nice.

All right, thanks for tuning in, everybody. Stick around for Lori Kilmartin's stand-up on Conan. And I'll be back next week with more of this. Am I back next week? No. Oh, okay. This is enough. I don't know how it went.