The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Gil Ozeri: Cop Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 4, 2026

Comedian and writer Gil Ozeri (Big Mouth! Brooklyn Nine-Nine!) joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show to discuss your COP STORIES! Want to call in for a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan old bro, Conan O'clock. Well, hello. Welcome again to the Andy Richter Collins show. I have my daughter, her school, she's six. School starts Monday. And my wife is working on like a short-term project, so I'm dragging my daughter around. So she's outside, and she will remember how many F-words I say.

And I will hear about it in the car on the way home. Okay, I'll try it. You said the F word four times. She's counting. She absolutely is counting. Nice. And she actually today just, you know, like sort of, she's very stream of consciousness talking about things.

And we just, we like went and got some breakfast this morning. And she was going like, and she heard somebody say the F word. Uh-huh. And she was like, I heard that man say the F word. And then like a minute later she goes like, I think I'm in love with the F word. I was like, you're not the only one, honey. Pretty good word.

Yeah, yeah. It's pretty, it's very, very useful. It is. And very plastic. Like, it's very elastic. Functional. You can use it in so many different ways. So many ways.

That's Gil O'Zeri, the other voice here. Hi. It's not just one in my head. Gil is a comedian, actor, and writer. He wrote for Brooklyn Nine Nine, Big Mouth and Happy Endings. And be sure to check out the. very funny podcast, Good Science on Big Money Players, which

is hosted by RFK Jr. And Kyle Quim. RFK Jr., that's Tony Atamanic. Yes, that's right. Tony Atamanic. He's incredible impressionist. It's so, so funny. You really got to check it out. Good science. And if you're in L.A.,

you can see Gil's Largo show. Very silly gilly. It's a crazy improv show that always has different wrinkles. The next one, a month? I do it once a month at Largos. This one is Saturday, August 29. August 29. And they are worth it. They are pretty crazy. We're all getting an old age makeup. Oh my God. That's fantastic. It's like a two to three hours of makeup for each improviser. Yeah. I was part of the inaugural one. That's right. You were the first. With fucking killer players. Lisa Gilroy and Lauren Lapkis. Yep. And it was the surprise show. So there was surprises like a mariachi band. That's right. That's right. They were. people I hired from Craigslist in the audience. Yes.

And really weird. Weird old ladies. Yes. Like weird old ladies that had sort of some kind of scene work to do. That's right. And they were sticking to their guns. No, it was Daniel Day Lewis inspired performances there. Yeah.

But it was very fun. If you insist on airtight scene work, it's not for you. No, it's not for you. But I mean, we're having a good time. It's more of like a party atmosphere. Yeah, no, it's, I mean, it was absolutely silly. Yes. Yeah.

No, I loved it. I thought it was really fun to do. Thank you. And I'm sitting by the phone waiting for the next call. It's coming. Okay. I know, I know. You got to, I understand how it worked.

Yeah. You know, you got to run through the roster before you started. Exactly. You got to not insult a bunch of people before you. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, Gil, thank you for coming in today. Thanks for having me.

I'm so excited to be here. Yeah. For no reason, I mean, I didn't, you know, we kind of, honestly, at the end of the last show, I just said, there was, I had, you know, we'll be back next Wednesday talking blank story. And I just said, cop stories, you know. I don't know if you've ever been in trouble with the law. I've been, I mean, when I was in high school a couple of times. Yeah, yeah. Like arrested? Never arrested, but I've gotten trouble for shoplifting when I was in high school. Yeah, a couple times.

Was it just thrill-seeking shoplifting or impressing your friends? I think it was all of that and also no knowledge. Like I thought I could get away with it, I think. I think I was invincible at that age or thought I was. Yeah. And what kind of things are we stealing? I sold a snapple bottle and from Kmart. Yes, so high stakes.

And where is this? This is in Queens. In Queens, New York. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Where you can end up in a fucking alley. Yes. I mean, well, you can end up in an alley.

I mean, I was also, I think, when my parents got divorced, I was about 13 or 14, and I was an angry, angry young boy. Acting out is like saying. Acting out, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I remember throwing a weight, one of my mom's, you know, like weights into the wall, went through the wall and she had enough of me and, like, called the police.

So I was like really angry and taking it out on her, even though it was like, mostly my dad. Right, right, right, right. Yeah, but he's scary. He's scary. So you can't do it with him. You know, you got to do it on the helpless person. Is he scary?

Like, was it hard? Oh, he was at the time. I was completely terrified of him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so she got the brunt of it because she was there. Men are the greatest. Men are the best. Oh, they're just the best.

Yes, they're just so good. The way they angle things, they really have it down. Yeah, they have it. Yeah, they got it. I know, I'll be an asshole and I'll be a terroristic assholes. so no one will take me to task on any of the shit I do. No, not at all. Because I will make them pay a price.

Yes, exactly. A physical price. A real physical price for criticizing me. Yeah. Hey, good planning, dad. They had it pretty good. Oh, man. Did you get in trouble as a youth?

No, I was very, very much a good boy. Okay. And I don't know why. I'm a weird combination because I do have. authority problems and I can't stand people telling me what to do. Okay. And I can't stand, like when I've had bosses that are, you know, you have bosses that are idiots. Oh yeah. And that makes me fucking crazy. Yeah. Where do you think that comes from for you? I honestly, I honestly think that comes from being spanked and being hit. Okay. I think that I would, if I were closer,

I would high five you because I was say, that's, that was my thing. Yeah. I, I think that when you, when you hit a kid, you make them incredibly frustrated. Yeah. Because they, they, they, it's like, there's this sort of natural sort of rebellion. Yeah. That doesn't, that just gets chopped off. Yeah. And then it doesn't ever have a chance to sort of, I mean, doesn't ever.

I mean, you know, with time and with therapy and stuff. But as a kid, like, you just have this, like, there's this rebellion or there's this sort of contrarian thing. Yeah. That it gets cut off in such a violent. violent, hurtful way that, like, makes you feel like absolute garbage. Yes. I mean, for me also, I was, I think that's part of the reason why I got into comedy because I would try, at least this is what my therapist says, is it try to control when I got hit.

So I would try to de-escalate by making jokes. By making jokes. Or, you know, like, have my father not get mad at my mom or my sister by taking, like, being annoying so that he would focus his energy on me, kind of a thing. Wow. Yeah. Very exciting. I mean, I think I had the, I had, I was the, I was effectively middle child, have an older brother that's three years older. Okay.

Twins brother and half brother and sister who are nine years younger. So I'm effectively middle child. Also kind of the favorite. Yeah. And in my family, they play favorites like fucking crazy. Oh, they do. Oh, my God. Just like, like my grandma did it.

My mom did it. Uh-huh. You know, my aunts did it. Wow. Yeah. And I mean, and it's like a culture in your in the rich. Absolutely. Yeah.

And as, and I mean, at times it's so, it was so embarrassingly naked, like being so. How did it like manifest? Like someone would just say. Well, just like only giving a shit like where I wanted to go to dinner and like my brother. Like, fuck you. What are you? What? You don't matter, you know.

Or just the way just being treated. Yeah. I got treated very well. And like my older brother got treated pretty shitty. Yeah. And it was always really awful. You know, and I mean, I wasn't like reveling in it. Like, well, I get it pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It just felt so bad. And I, you know, and as I got older, I would tell my mom, I'd say like, it's not, what you're doing is not right. And I love my mother. My mother, in many ways, is a wonderful mother. But, but, yeah, she definitely. As a kid, would you lean into it?

Would you be like, oh, I'm getting the attention now? Or would you know sort of already it was sort of irritating your siblings? No, because, no, I did, I mean, I certainly probably enjoyed not getting as much hassle as my brother did. Right. But I never, I was never a dick about it, I don't think. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, and like.

Well, that's not what your siblings say. And I talk to them all the time. Here they are. Here they are. We brought them in. We flew them in. No, but like, you know, I also, I mean, I also was like very conscientious about trying to keep the morale of the house. especially when it was really bad. Oh, so that was on your shoulder.

That was me. I was the one that was like, hey, everybody, let's stop fighting. You know, let's have a laugh. You know, like, look at me. Oh, I fell down the stairs again. I already are, you know. Yeah, no, that was, and that was definitely, that was, the comedy came into that.

Yeah. Oh, shit. Calming everyone down. If you can make, and also, you know, I'm finding out, like, if you can make a teacher laugh, it's like a fucking magic potion. Yeah, exactly. Like, holy shit. Yeah.

I totally like, I totally like, I. I defanged that monster by making them laugh. I'm so terrible at this subject. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doesn't matter. So, yeah, no, I was always afraid of being in trouble. And in fact, in high school, and I don't know how this became the thing. But every time I was at a party and the cop showed up, get Andy.

Oh, really? Have Andy talk to him. Because you were like the charmer. I don't know. I just dad energy or something. I don't know what. You know, I'd be a yes officer. You know, and like, all right, we'll keep it down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I don't, I just, I don't know why. That was always kind of just the way. Well, you probably had practice at it at home. So you're just. I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no, I guess. I mean, I do feel like I have. Do you get out of tickets like that too? Can you talk your way out of a ticket? I honestly have not had it. I haven't been pulled over in years. Okay. In years and years.

Yeah. I mean, it's, I just, I have. Well, you're driven around everywhere too. Yeah. That's right. Yes. In a petty cat. in a turbo pedicap.

It seems 80 miles an hour. Yeah, yeah. Wow. I go through drivers three times a week. Yeah, yeah. No, honestly, I think the last time I got a ticket was maybe like, honestly, 15 years ago. Wow. That's pretty great.

And it was a speeding ticket coming back from Disneyland. We're coming back from Disneyland. And it was also kind of a bullshit ticket. Was it like a late night, Anaheim? I'm getting the fuck out of it. It was the middle of the day. and I wasn't going that much faster than the rest of traffic. And I was in the, he just got me.

He just got me. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and then I took it and I opted for traffic school, you know, online traffic school. And I shot a remote on the Conan show about it. So I paid for it. I had the Conan Show pay for my college. That's genius. That's brilliant.

I got the whole thing paid for by the Conan show. But I did sit there. And I did do... What was the... What bits were you doing in there? Oh, it wasn't... It was just like, I was like, okay, I got in, you know... Was it actually for a remote?

Yeah. Okay. It was a remote. They set up in my office and they had a camera on my computer. And you go, you know, you take these really boring tests. Yeah. And there's like, it's all text. And then they like hide little nugget, you know, like secret questions.

Right, right. And make sure you're listening. Yeah. And it was so funny because our prop guy, Bill Tall, was like, oh yeah, I just did this because I paid an intern to do it. Oh my God. He just paid an intern like, yeah, yeah, he's a hundred bucks. Sit here and do this for me, kid.

And after, and I like three quarters the way through it, I was like, I should have just fucking paid an intern. This is tedious. It's so long. Oh, it's so tedious. And it really is just like, it's not, you don't learn. No, not to speak. It's just, all you learn is like, I do not want to do this. I do not want to do this again.

I'm going to be careful. So, yeah. It's time to go to the phones. And I also too, I do want to address that like when I announce this topic, are you on blue sky? I am not. Blue sky. There's so many of these. Yeah, it's kind of like a, you know, a Twitter alternative.

A lot of kind of Twitter people, more sort of weird Twitter people went over there and a lot of political people. Are there people there? Yeah. There are. There's a fair amount of people there. Yeah, I like it. It feels more like old Twitter than threads. and I have no idea what X is like.

What X is like, yeah. But people were like, that's a pretty weird topic to pick. Cops. Really? In today's day and age, it's like, well, this is all going to be pro cop. Well, absolutely. Let's back those boys in blue because, man, they don't stalk their ex-girlfriends or anything. They don't use their job to, you know, Andy famously pro-cops. Oh, man.

Yeah, I actually, I went and saw the Paul Patrol movie by myself. that's how into cops I am. No candy either. You wanted to focus. No. I had, yeah, yeah. I took notes. Puppies as cops.

I just took her to that thing and Jesus Christ. Oh, I can't. Oh, copies as cops. And then they're all, it's all like, and then she does it for two days later is like all this sort of like, you know, like, A-OK, coming back at you. Like all this fucking lingo. Oh, okay. kids and talk like cops or firemen or get down on the ground dad yeah yeah uh you know like hold on I'm rolling through you know just right right right it's so nasty anyhow callers Laura San Diego

um tell us about your cop husband Gil and I are waiting to hear hey Gil hey hey Andy how are you how are you good well my cousin is no longer a cop it's a a four former job. He thought he was going to be helping little old ladies across the street. It was not the right profession for him. But anyway, yeah, he called it being a social janitor. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, just mopping, sprinkling that sawdust on civic puke. Yeah. It was, you know, seeing everybody at their worst all the time. But he did, you know, It's hard. It's hard work. Anyway. But he is a very attractive gentleman.

Of course. He was a lot younger then. You wouldn't settle for less. No, not at all. He was answering a noise call. And he was at sort of a fancy town in the Bay Area in Marin County. And he showed up. And it was a party.

And the ladies were quite drunk. And they assumed he was the stripper. He was a solo cop, right? He didn't have a partner or anything. It was just him. It took quite some convincing to tell the lady. He's like, no, no, I'm not stripping to. I'm actually the police.

You need to pipe down. And they still thought it was funny. That's what a stripper would say, honestly. Right, exactly. Yes. One that was really locked in looking for good tips. Right. They thought it was hilarious.

And he should have just gone with it. He should have just gone with it. I know. Can you get in trouble if you did that? I was like, you could have had a fun time. Yeah. Yeah. But the neighbors were not happy.

I guess it depends on what kind of underwear he was wearing, you know? Oh, yeah. And those belts are so heavy. Right, right. But all the crap they wear on them. So it wouldn't have been fun. And also he has a, yeah, he has a real gun that he has to like set down. Yeah.

And who knows what those. that would do. Yeah. They just would grab it probably. Yeah, yeah. And fire, whenever I see a gun, I try to fire it into the air.

Absolutely. It's there. It's like the checkoff thing. Check off thing. Yeah, yeah. If it's there, you got to shoot it. Yeah.

Sorry. It's not my fault. No. Your Honor, it's not my fault. It was there. Yeah. This store was full of guns. All right, Laura.

Yeah, and there was, thank you guys. No, go ahead. No, if you got another one, go ahead. I did. There was a cop actually in the, a county that had, they used to have shotguns, like, below the light bars as, like, emergencies. And one of the cops, a rookie had blown off their light bar.

And they were, like, trying to figure out a way to come up with an excuse of how that, like, misfired on it. And I was like, there's no way a shotgun just goes off and blows off a light bar. It doesn't just happen. No, exactly. There's such more. And it just doesn't happen. But, yeah, there's lots of stories.

I mean, cop stories are endless. It's fun times. There was a video on the internet, and I think it was Pasadena, where they were goofing around, and one of them shot the other one in the leg. Oh, my God. And the video was released. Really? Yeah, they were like goofing around with a gun, and you see them goofing around with it,

and then like, cabang, like, ow! Why did that happen? Yeah, yeah. Gee whiz. Hope this video doesn't leak. Oh. Well, the best stories, I have a relative who's a police officer in Kentucky, and you can just imagine the stories. And they're usually without clothing.

Those are the best ones. Yeah, of course. And he usually rolls up, and there are people without clothes, and it's always a good time. But thank you. I appreciate you both. The laughs are great. Thank you, thank you. Nice to meet you.

Have a good one. All right. Oh, I don't think I said the number. 855-266-2-604 is the number if you got a copy. story. Or if you got a wild card, you know, if you've got an off topic, we'll hear it. We're here. Yeah. Like, yeah, we're not picky. No. Yeah. We'll give advice even if you want. Financial, real estate. Marriage. Yeah, yeah, marriage. I'm good at all that shit. Let's go next to Jack from Pennsylvania.

Hey, guys. How are you doing? I'm good. How are you, Jack? How are you doing? Very well. Thank you. Thanks for taking my call. I appreciate it. Sure. I hope you find this story as interesting as it was for us when it happened, but my wife's girlfriend at the time got tickets to a John Bon Jovi concert in Philadelphia. Sweet. And I don't know if you know, I don't know if you know that area, but in Philly, all the stadiums are kind of next to each other right off the interstate 95. So there's a very, very long on-ramp to get into the stadium area because they don't want 95 to get back up. And we were traveling to the concert and I get onto that lane right away. And I'm looking down the lane and there's a vehicle that looks like it got stuck.

Like, you know, they went too far on 95 past the exit. They missed it. So they backed up like they were going to actually make the exit instead. I'm a good Samaritan. You know, I'll give him the flashing lights. You know, go ahead, buddy, no problem. And he doesn't move. Like he starts to move like he wants to get in the lane, but then he doesn't go. So I'm getting closer and closer. Hey, you know, flashing him. Come on, man. You know, you can go. Nope. So right as I'm on. top of the guy. I slow down one more time because I'm just trying to be nice and I give him the flash one more time. He doesn't go. So finally I'm like, all right, I guess I'm passing you. But I was so close to him at this point. He pulls out in front of me and completely blocks the

exitly. And I'm like, what the hell is going on? Then I hear behind me, get the fuck out of the car asshole right now. And I look and the entire like city of Philadelphia police force was behind us. light, we didn't hear like sirens until this moment. There pops out of their car, pistols pointed at the driver behind me. And I'm like, what is going on? And I'm looking at my wife and she's all excited because she's in the middle of something crazy. And I look at the car.

She's like, oh, this is like some drama. And I'm like, yeah, we're going to get killed. So I look at this guy back to the car in front of me because now I want to not be where I'm at. And the dude who is in the car got out and had an assault right. and had it pointed at the car behind us. It was like an unmarked federal officer or support of some kind. And they were trying to block this guy. But this asshole kept flashing his lights going, go ahead.

And they figured, well, we have to stop the guy behind us. So I guess we're stopping him too. So we're basically stuck there. And they're screaming at the guy. They're like tapping the glass with the gun. You know, the dude looks like the chief wigum from a, from The Simpsons. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm just like looking at the guy with the assault rifle and finally he gives me like, go ahead, you can go. Like, we got this. Not. And my wife's, no, no, stay. I want to watch. No, we're going to the concert. Now, admit, the reason you didn't hear the sirens is because you were,

you were playing living on a prayer so loud. So loud. You could not hear. Exactly. Yeah. Well, you know, one of dead or alive was coming on and I really did not want to make that a reality. How ironic.

That would be the song. Imagine dying apprehension. Yeah. Right before the... Exactly. Did you hear... So we got to the concert and here we are. And did you ever hear like what the whole thing, like, you know, did you read in the paper?

This was Ted Kaczynski, right? Yeah, sure. So, of course, my wife and I wanted to know what the hell that was. So this was like 2003, you know, 9-11 wasn't that far removed. Things were a little crazy, you know, especially in the tri-speed. area. And so we're like, you know, we're definitely checking like, what was that? Like, that was a huge police response just for one car. It was never in the paper. It was never reported on the news. It was like it never happened, essentially. We could never find any information. We have no idea

who they were stopping. Maybe you guys helped him get away. Yeah, that could be. I mean, we, we, well, I think I definitely prevented something. Maybe he climbed into your trunk. And when you got to the arena. He popped out. He listened to a couple of songs and then went home. Can't resist. Got to get a t-shirt. All right. Well, thanks, Jack. That's an awesome story. Appreciate it.

Thanks, guys. Have a great day. Thanks for taking a call. You too. All righty. 855-26-2604. Next up, we have Dylan from Los Angeles. Hey, Dylan. Hey, guys. How's it going? Good. How are you? You got me and Gil. Hi. Waiting to hear your cop story.

Great. Well, yeah. wait to tell you. It was a weird one. So this was a few years ago. I'm from Missouri and I was driving home pretty late from a poker game with me and my friends. It was like probably like 2 a.m. or so. And I got pulled over by a cop and he came over to my window and he looked in the backseat and he saw this poker set sitting there, which is just like one of those metal briefcases. Yeah, yeah. He's like, is that a poker set? I'm like, yeah, it is. He's like, oh, okay. He got really invested in it and just kept asking me questions about what kind of poker I played. And like if it was Texas Holden or five-card draw and I'm like a high schooler, I'm freaked out.

Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, I played Texas Holden. And he's like, okay. He's like, well, why don't you come sit back in my car back here? And so I had to get out of the car. Well, all right, officer. I mean, wait, what did you do? I may be missed.

What did you do to get pulled over? Oh, yeah. I was speeding. So I was committing a crime. Yeah. So I wasn't like, it wasn't a no reason stuff. I was speeding pretty bad. And, but he had me get out of the car and then he had me sit in his front seat with him.

And he's like, then he talked to me for about an hour about like my life and what I wanted to go to college for. And like, he was like, what do you want to study? And I was like, oh, I'm going to study film and all this stuff. And we talked for a very long time. And then he wrote me a speeding ticket. and sent me on my way. Look, I'm lonely, but you fucked up, kid. You fucked up.

Yeah, yeah. I still have to give this to you. He might just have been lonely, yeah. Yeah. It sounded like he needed a friend. Right. A friend. And then he ticketed his friend.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I have to pay $200 to be his friend. Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. It's so funny. So long, yeah. It was long, and I was terrified.

Yeah, yeah. I was 17 and so scared. Yeah, I actually just remembered when I was in Chicago, and I was early in my performing life, we did a show called The Real Life Brady Bunch in Chicago that was very popular. It was just reenactments. There was a game show portion, and then there were reenactments of Brady Bunch episodes.

And I was doing something for it. And at the time, I was, my, I had a Toyota pickup truck that was under threat of being repossessed. So I was parking at like four and five blocks away from my house. And I'm, so I'm walking through this dark Chicago neighborhood with like a bunch of clothes piled on in my hands and some shoes on top of them. And a cop car pulls up like fast, you know, like a kind of like diagonal jumps out and they go, whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you going? Where are you going? What's going on? And I was like, yeah, I don't, you know. And they were like, what's all that in your arms? And I was like, clothes? My clothes? My shoes? And they're like, where are you coming from? And I said, you know, I'm doing this show. And then I said, and they would show. said the real life Brady bunch. I heard of that. Yeah. Can you get me ticket? Let me guess. You're Bobby, right? Ha, ha, ha. And like, no, not Bobby. But I, but I was like, why are you? Why are you? And they said, yeah. They said there's been, there was a. There was a. home break in.

Like there was like a robbery, so they just saw some idiot walking with an armload of stuff. It reminded me of this also. And I have a story that we were going up to JFL to the Just for Laughs. Me and a couple of friends. Comedy Festival in Montreal. Adam Pally and Ben Schwartz were with me. And we had a sketch. Name dropper.

Name drop. And we had a bag of guns, fake guns. We're going into Montreal with a bag. of fake props, or guns, and we got stopped, and they had to go through our entire bag, and, you know, we're like, oh, it's fake, it's fake, it's fake. But we were definitely scared. When you get pulled over like that, and someone's like, hey, what are you doing? It's really scary.

When I was in film school in Chicago, there were two guys, like wealthy, wealthy Lebanese guys. They were from Lebanon. And they, you know, they had Rolexes and stuff. And they're very nice guys. And all they wanted to do was make like cop stuff and like, you know, crime stuff and, you know. Right, right, right. You know, scarface kind of things. So then they had this other kid that was like they worked with and they would make short films with.

They were driving on I-55 with a whole car full of fake guns pointing them at each other. Oh, my God. Like two Middle Eastern kids waving guns around. And they got pulled over by like four state troopers. And they were crying. Like, you know, they told us about it. They're like, I was crying. I didn't want to cry, but I was crying.

I'm like, no, no, you know. But they were aware, too, of like, oh, yeah, it's probably not a thing like for a Middle Eastern kid to be doing, waving guns around on 55. Well, Dylan, thank you for the call. I for God's sake, slow down. Yeah, thank you guys. Just slow down, please. I've honestly been so. petrified of a speeding sense that I

Yeah, and call your friend the cop too Because he misses you He wonders what happened How'd that film thing work out? You're in L.A.? Really? And you didn't call me. Wow.

I would have ticketed you. Yeah, yeah. Maybe. Thanks, guys. All right, thanks, Dylan. I appreciate it. All right. Next caller, we got six from Cape Cod.

Wasn't that the friend from Blossom? It was. Yeah, yeah. Is this the friend from Blossom? Genovon-Oye. Genovon-Oye? Is this Genovon-Oye? No, it's not Genovon-Oye.

I mean, we're not disappointed. It might sound like it, but go ahead. Well, I hope I can tell a story as well as she can. Okay, guys, we're down in Fort Lauderdale for spring break. Yep. In high school, me and my buddy are driving back from the beach, and he's driving. We've been smoking weed all day. And he makes an abrupt U-turn, and, of course, a cop is right there and pulls us over.

So this cop comes over to the car, and we're from out-of-state, out-of-state plates and all that. And he makes us get out of the car, and he pats us down. And, of course, he pulls out a bag of weed out of my friend's front pocket. And we're like, oh, shit. He's like, all right, you boys from the north, you know, coming down here. smoking weed. Because ain't nobody down here doing that. Right.

So he gets our, you know, he goes, empty all your pockets. So we put everything on the front bumper, you know, the front of his squad car. So we take out our wallets and gum and candy and combs, you know, all sorts of shit. Yeah. So the bag of weed sitting there on the car. And he's like, you know, about to, you know, start searching. I say, I don't know what the hell is going to go on next, but we're just sitting there all, we're freaking out,

we're about to go to jail. And all of a sudden, a goddamn seagull fucking drops out of the sky and grabs the bag of weed and fucking flies off. Wow. Hello, God. Yeah. Wow.

And does he see that? Yeah, we were all just standing there. It dropped out of this guy, grabbed the bag and just fucking flew off. He pulls his fucking gun out like he's going to shoot the fucking bird, you know? Oh, my God. Oh, Lord. And we're like, my friend's kind of squealed like, no, you know, he kind of let out a little.

And he like, he like kind of like, like, oh, shit, I better not like start shooting birds in the middle of the, you know, whatever. He pocketed his gun and he goes, and he looks at it. And he looks at him. He goes, fucking hippie bird. That's good. And he, like, looks at us and goes, you fuckers are lucky. Get the fuck out of my goddamn town.

And we were like, oh, we're out of here, dude. Thank you, officer. Oh, bye. Fucking hippie bird. Yep. Oh, God. That seagull is now addicted to heroin, I'll have you know. That was its gateway.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a, you know, just a house of card. Yeah. Once a seagull starts getting stoned. But how would he roll him? That's the thing. With, well, with probably with his beak.

Oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. Maybe he'd like enlist a squirrel or something. How? That's so lucky. Yeah, that's incredible. Wow. That's incredible.

To have that kind of mind control over, you know, the bird world. Right? It would make sense if you were a career criminal to just like have trained birds around do it all time. Yeah. It's brilliant. If you get caught with anything, off they go. You know.

Fly, Julius, fly. All right. Well, thank you, six. And it's fine that you're not Jenna Van Oye. Oye. You're not Jenna Van Oye. I'm still a little upset about it. It's more Gil's thing.

Yeah, it's more to my thing. All right. 855-266-2-404 is the number to call. If you got a cop story. We got Max from Brooklyn. You worked on a show about Brooklyn. I did. Yeah.

Brooklyn Cops. Yeah, yeah. I was on that show once. Oh. Were you working on it when I was there? What season were you? It was pretty early. Okay.

I was season one. I have a very vague recollection. Me too. I just remember being there, but I don't remember it. Like, if you said, like, what did I play? I'd be like, I have no idea. Yeah. No.

I remember seeing Andre Brower and that's about it. Saying hi to Andy Samberg. Well, I can guarantee that he was on the show. Yes, he was. Yeah. Max, hello. Max. Hi, guys.

How you doing? Good. How are you? I'm doing good. Thanks for having me. Thank you for coming on. What's your story? Yeah, it all goes back to 92.

My dad is a cop, and he was on a very early episode of the cop show, Cops, back in 1992. And, yeah, so they sort of, his role on the particular episode, they kind of meet up with him after he's arrested somebody. And he's sort of post-scirmish, you know, like they're sort of, he's sweating and breathing hard and they're like kind of bandaging him up. And they're asking him questions about what happened. And then they kind of cut to the guy that he arrested and he's, you know, injured. And it's, you know, in my, in my eyes as a kid, it was kind of like, oh, my God, my dad's a hero.

You know, he taught this bad guy. and, you know, my dad's telling a story about, you know, how he's trying to get away, and there was this fight and everything. And I hadn't a copy of that episode on VHS for years, and I would show it to anybody that would listen to it or watch it. Yeah. And it wasn't until I was in college. I played football, and I was watching with some teammates,

and suddenly that episode and that story, became like a Roar Shack test for who was watching it and what you could see because my teammates who were black saw a totally different version of it. And the episode ended and I'm sitting there with a big fat grin on my face like, hey, pretty cool, right? And they just said, so your dad just beat that guy up? And I like shattered my universe. I haven't really seen the world the same way since. and yeah it just was not something I really expected and you know up until I was kind of funny because my dad is kind of a dork and the things he was saying were just you know it didn't really uh it didn't really land um with everybody the same way yeah now did it change your perspective where when you see similar scenarios are you still like do you still see it as like you know a blue night a saving society?

Or do you now see it like, oh, yeah, that guy just beat the shit out of that guy for no reason. That wasn't necessary. Well, it made me see that there's a gray area more than anything. Like, I don't really know what happened. And that probably nobody's a hero and probably nobody's a villain. But it's also, like, separate from that. Sorry. It's so tough to realize that your parent is a flawed human being and not like a perfect, you know, person.

That's such a hard moment as a kid. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, a little bit chatting. And, you know, luckily, and my teammates were cool about it. I didn't feel any, like, you know, long-term effects from it. They just really cracked out of my worldview as all. Well, you know, this is, I think, the first story involving personal growth that we've heard today. Yes.

Yeah. There's no hippie birds in this morning. There's an axe of God. Yeah. Yeah. No, this is the first personal growth story. Yeah. Assault weapons.

It's been very excited. I'm, look, I'm plugging the show in the middle of the show. Well, thank you, Max. I appreciate it. No worries. And, you know, tell your dad to fucking calm down. Jesus Christ. Did you ever have that with your parents, Andy?

Where you realized, oh, they're, or did you know from the beginning that they're not perfect? Yeah, just things, especially with my dad. And it was a lot of the vit was the moment I became a parent. there were things that like I had always just sort of been like oh no that's just the way it is and then been like what the fuck yeah you know I can't believe that happened yeah I can't believe like I would never in a million years have done yeah you know and I mean I could I just for the sake of time I'm not going to go into it but you know but yeah just like wow that's incredibly selfish yes I mean I also have that feeling about my kids now about what is the thing that I'm doing yes that they're going to be like part of me is like oh it's the stuff phone. Yeah. You know, being on my phone the whole time is like, you know, cigarettes in the 50s or

or 60s. But I don't know. I mean, I feel like everyone is like unsatisfied with their parents at some point. Yeah. I just think it's a natural sort of part of life. Yeah. A natural development stage is your parents are fucking assholes that you have to get away from.

Yes. And it's, it would be unhealthy otherwise. Yes. I think that's a healthy part of development. it sucks being the parent on that, you know? I mean, hopefully you usually come back around to be like they did the best they can. Yes, yes. Or they did like better than their parents.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they did okay. Like that's all I'm hoping for is they did okay. Yes. You know, and also, you know, and like I wasn't too profoundly selfish. Right, right. Maybe a little bit here and there. Yeah, yeah.

Where it was like, you know, get your own food, that kind of thing. You know, you can walk. now. Get your own food. Get your own fucking food. Alex from San Jose. You're on with Gil and Andy. Andy and Gil, how are you doing today? Good, good. I'm living the dream. Nice. Hey, I'm a retired cop and I wanted to give you a perspective from that position.

Okay. So I don't think people, I don't think people really understand how diabolical cops can be in terms of their pranks. so cops will prank each other mercilessly. Yeah. Like I've seen some good ones where someone went out and bought like a thousand crickets that were used for bait and dumped them in someone's patrol car. Ooh, wow. Another one where someone took, I think they got like five or six buckets of range balls for golf

and dumped into a car. So every time you take a turn, you get to hear golf balls rolling underneath the back seat. Well, that's kind of fine. Yeah. Oh, it is, it is. But there was, there's one that sticks out in my mind. So your locker is fair game if you leave it unlocked. Oh.

So if you're in the locker room and you're dressing and you walk away and leave your locker unlocked, it's fair game. Yeah. However, we had a, I had a guy who worked for us who clipped the lock off of somebody else's locker and debacleed it. That's a big no-no. And especially being that he did it to the particular person that he did it to. So I'm coming in and I'm about ready to come off.

Hold on. Hold on. The particular person, why the particular person was that particular person like, was there like a sympathetic angle to that person that person that everybody felt or was that person dangerous? Because of what, because of the diabolical nature of how he got revenge. Oh, I see. Okay. So I'm coming off a shift.

The next shift is coming on, and this is at 6 a.m. So I walk in and I see my friend, and he's got a five-gallon bucket, a power drill with a mixer, and a five-pound bag of quick creep. And I'm like, I don't even want to know what the fuck is going on right now. So I just walk out and ignore it. Like, I didn't see this shit. I don't know what you're talking about. Can't blame it on me. Na-na-na-na-na-na.

Saw another. The next day I come to find out, he opened up, he clipped the lockoff, the first offenders locker, took one uniform out on a hanger and hung it up in the rafters, so he had a clean uniform, took talcum powder,

blasted it all over the inside of his locker, then put plastic bag, eggs in his boots and dumped the quick crete in them and left a hammer and chisel, closed up the locker, locked it with the new lock, and walked away. Wow. Wow. So yeah, that was pretty over the top. But the best was when our first defender complained about how far it went, my buddy went a little bit farther. He went to a Salvation Army or a goodwill or something along those lines. What about a hundred, $80 worth of the worst 70s women's clothing.

Think of the biggest bloomer you can buy. Put them in this other guys. Oh, yeah, well, you know, to each their own. Yeah, exactly. Put in this other guy's dry cleaning bag. And he ended up with a dry cleaning bill that was like $900 for shit that he couldn't possibly use. Oh, my God.

Okay, go ahead. At which point he came in crying into a briefing asking for mercy. Oh, really? Jesus. Cops. Yes. Oh, it was brutal. The most brutal thing I've ever seen.

Did it ever trouble you to know that you were working with so many sociopaths? No, because I'm one of them. Oh, okay. All right. Just as long as we got that out of the way. Because you know, a lot of that shit's like it's above and beyond, you know. Well, again, there's a, this could have been avoided if he didn't clip a lock. I understand, but there's also, I'm just saying, I'm just talking about the more about the free-floating hostility that exists between the brethren.

Pranks are usually like I put half and half in your coffee. Right, right, right. Or the, you know, the classic George Clooney shitting in the litter box and Richard Kind thinking that the cat took a human shit. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's a great one. Oh, I thought that was, I thought that was Amber Heard. No, no.

It's like the, it's like the lady whose husband used to be a cop said a lot of times you do get a little bit bent because you are just cleaning up mess after math. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're seeing people out there worse. Yeah, yeah. And they're, yeah, and they're stressed. You need that valve release, yeah. All right. Well, thanks for the call.

I mean, it's, it is a fascinating view into the diabolical nature of the men in blue. There we are. Yes. Thank you, Alex. All right. Have a good day, boys. You too. Thanks so much.

By the way, you don't know this, Andy, but I'm going to prank you today. Oh, I love pranks. It's going to be really bad. Oh, I love them. I just love them. I think it's so great. I know. Like when you do something to somebody and then they're like...

They don't know? Yeah, they're like all stunned and they're and scared. You fucking idiot. I did something that you weren't expecting. I hurt your family member. You were just walking around living your life. And I fucked with you. you.

Ha ha, fuck you asshole. Love it. My favorite stuff. My favorite stuff. I don't have enough going on in my life. I need to worry about something. I have always been like,

I actually did, I was on the show Crank Yankers. Oh, yes. You know, and I was so bad at it. Yeah. You hated doing it.

I just identify with the person that I'm calling and they're again, they're just going through their lives. And then here comes me like, yeah, yeah. And I just, I was so. bad at it and I'd just be like, no, I'm sorry, goodbye.

And hung up, you know. All right, next we have Noah from New Paltz, returning caller with a wild card. Oh, wow. Love it. Yeah. What's up, Noah? Hey, how are you? Welcome back.

Yeah, thanks. Good to see you. All right, well, I was going to tell, like, a story about how I got gallstones at last week, but that's not, I doesn't seem relevant now. But I got a cop story story of having last. That happened last week. So run that wild card sound effect backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. So I was dog sitting in South Carolina. I live in New York. I was in South Carolina. And there was this really hot girl that lived downstairs. I didn't know it at the time. But I was walking the dog outside at like 10 p.m. And she comes up to me and starts talking to me, flirting a little bit.

But I didn't know it at the time. I never know at the time. And, you know, we're just talking, talking, talking. And I don't pick up on the hints. And eventually she's like, all right, well, good night. And then two seconds later, I realized, oh, okay. You know, if I run into her again, then I'm going to. And then I do run into her again, like a couple days later.

And she comes up to me. I don't approach strange women because I don't have the confidence to do that. Yeah. Well, number one, they're strange. Yeah. Well, I didn't know she was strange at this point. She seemed so, so normal. She's really hot and nice.

Yeah. And so she comes up and starts talking to me again. And again, we have a conversation, and I don't have the guess to say anything. And she just leaves her, like, all right, well, you know, I'm downstairs. If you know, I ever, you want to do something ever. I'm like, okay, see you. And then I say, you know, y'all always do this when this happens on a rare occasion that this happens. somebody shows interest and you don't do anything about it and then you regret it.

So I went downstairs and I knocked on the door and I said, hey, I'm going to take a dog for a walk later. You want to come join? And she said, yeah, that sounds good. I may or may not be around. I'm not sure, but knock on my door when you're going to go. Yeah, we'll see. I say, yeah, all right. So I knock on her door, but she wasn't there.

And so I take the dog for a walk, come back. And I left the note on the door, I said, Hey, sorry, I missed you. Or I said, guess I missed you. And then I left my number and said, if you want to talk. And with like, no subtext or anything. I didn't leave a winky face or anything like that. And I was like, okay, if she wants to talk, she'll talk.

If not, I'll just leave it alone. And then I get a call at like 10 p.m. And like the most demented voice ever is like, hi. I'm like, hello, what is this? And she's like, you know, recognize my voice. always. Oh my gosh, geez. And she's kind of like completely drunk and demented. Just like a complete opposite of how she seemed before. She seemed so normal. And, um, oh, my God. Uh, haven't, haven't forbid a woman have layers. Yeah, no. No, okay. So you think I'm attractive? I'm like, uh, yeah. I did. No, I mean, I said that I thought this was a good response.

I said, I'd be, I'd be a fool to think you weren't. And he said, you've been checking me out? And then I just hung up because it was weird. And I texted her. And I always assume that it's my fault. I was like, I did something wrong here, I'm sure of it. And I texted her, I said, did I do something to offend you? And she said, no.

And I texted her. Well, that, but like, no, I was, it was true. This voice, by the way, is so. I know, I know. No, it would have been, it didn't, it wasn't like sultry at all. It was just scary. And I said, okay, that kind of freaked me out, but I hope you have a good night. She said, okay.

And I was like, all right, I'm going to leave it there. But then the next day, next night, I got a call and I answer it. And it's a guy who says, who's this? and I'm like, what? You called me. That's not how this works. And I say, who's this? No, no, I asked you first.

Who's this? And I'm like, all right, it's Noah. It's like, did you leave Noah my girlfriend's door? Oh, me. I should have just said, my friend's appointed this. I should have just said, oh, you got the wrong number now. But I said, yeah, I think it was the first time he'd done this because he was trying to be intimidating,

but I was just kind of laughing the whole time. really wasn't. And he said, what's your, what's your name? You already asked that. And what's your last name? And I made up the last name. I said, Cole Pepper. There's a baseball player that just got called up named Kaelin Cole Pepper. I was like, yeah, Cole Pepper, that's her name. Yeah, sure. And, yeah. Hitler. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be good. Bar-Mondayling. No, no, no, no. That's not. I was like, yeah, I don't know. It's my name. And he says, I know where you live.

I'm coming to get you. And he did know where I lived because I was right up there. Of course. Yeah. And I said, well, I don't live there, though. I'm just dogs and he's like, no, no, I know where you live. Don't try. I'm like, all right.

And then he, I say, what's your name? So I figured out's polite. Yeah. And he said, I thought he said, Danny. I was like, all right, nice to meet you, Danny. And he said, no, no, no, no. it's god no no no it's daddy oh yeah okay amy's daddy like he's like James Bond or something oh oh okay that's how he identified himself yeah that's how he identified himself yeah that's how

i sound at pta meetings yeah no uh and then um i just say okay here's exactly what happens and jay he's like did you fuck my i'm like no no no no no no and i told him everything happened and that she flurred a little bit and she called me saying like a bunch of suggestive stuff and this is exactly what he said he said, so you're saying she wanted your penis? I'm like, no,

no, no, no one has ever said that to me. And then he pivots into, you know, no, you can have her, you can have her. I'm like, I don't want her. No, no, I do not want her. Sounds like two guys who don't want to be on the phone with each other. Two guys are not really great at

conflict. it. I, oh my God. And, um, and then, is there a cop? Yes. Because the hours winding up. Yeah, yeah. I had to call the cops afterwards because he kept reiterating. I know where you live. I'm coming to get you. Oh, okay. And so I did, I did call the cops. Um, I didn't, and they were like, do you want me to send, do you want to send someone? And I'm like, okay, so here's what happened. I, uh, I, I interacted with a girl downstairs and our boyfriend's offending. And they're like, and they're like, you want me to send him. like, all right, all right, it'll be fine.

It was like, no, no, no, he said he's coming to get me. Do you know his name? You know what he looks like? I'm like, no, no. English Daddy. His name was Amy's Daddy, you know? I couldn't say that. That wasn't be a joke at that point.

I mean, it is kind of a joke. It was so, it would be so comical in that situation if it wasn't happening to me. Yes. And then what happens? Yeah. And then they're like, all right, well, we don't need to send someone. And I'm like, all right.

And so I just keep a close watch. I'm like, doors locked all the time. I saw her one time and I sprinted away. And, and thankfully, thankfully, nothing came of it. I never showed. Yeah, but it was like the most bizarre thing because it was such a pivot. It seemed so nice. Yeah, yeah.

Is this how, it's been a while too with me. Yeah. I'm thinking like, is this how, is this how people, is that how kids? It's flirt? It's modern love. It's, yeah. It's, you know, people contain multitudes. It's just got to deal with it.

Anyways, you're produced as a key in brief. Yeah, well, Noah, thank you for calling. Yeah, we got, yeah, because I got time for one more. And so I'm going to get one more in and then we're going to go. By the way, I would call that a cop story. All right. That is a cop story. Yeah, it took a while to get there, but it definitely had a cop involved.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. Daddy. But anyway, thank you, Noah. Do we have one more, Sean? Oh, no, we don't. Okay. Sean apparently has places to be.

Fuck that next caller. All right, well, now. And the next caller was Malala, so he just skipped right over. She has a great cop story. I have a wild card. She has quite a cop story. Yeah, she does. So, Gil, we usually, we pick a favorite.

It's really a toss-up between. the Bon Jovi concert and the weed with the Seagull. I was going to say Seagull. That's crazy. It's unbelievable. I love hearing stories about weird, like, phenomena like that. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So that got me.

Yeah. All right, we'll say that. Good job, six. You know. Genova, no, it's too bad. You're not. Yeah, we were disappointed, but you came through with a win. So you win nothing other than our admiration.

It's a wash. Yeah, yeah. And I don't know. maybe we'll give you a call from Jenna Van Oye. Yeah, exactly. We'll set that up. All right, well, thank all of you for listening. Thank you, Gil.

Thank you for having me. This is so fun. Oh, yeah. Well, you've got to come back. Again, check out good science on big money players, hilarious podcast, and go to Gil's Largo show. It's monthly. This new one will be August 29th, Saturday.

Next Wednesday, I'll be back at 4 p.m. Eastern with X friend stories. with Mary Holland. Oh, she's the best. If you have an ex-friend story, give us a call at 855-266-2-604 or fill out the Google form in my social media bios. As always, wild cards are welcome.

All right, I got to go find out how many times we said the F word. Talk to you next week. Four and a half. Yeah. All right, bye.