The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Gillian Jacobs: Bad Landlord Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

Actress Gillian Jacobs (Community, The Bear) joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your BAD LANDLORD STORIES! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about disappearing staircases, sewage disasters, all kinds of pests, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hi radio peoples! Uh, Andy Richard here, how are ya? Uh, Gillian Jacobs is here with me today. Hi! For the call-in show. She's turning off her phone.

Yes, very responsible. Like a very responsible person. Oh, I already did. Oh, I forgot. I just turn off the ringer. Because I'm constantly texting while people are talking on this thing. No I'm not. You have my full attention.

Uh, but anyway, thanks so much. We're here today. We're talking landlord stories. Oh, boy. You have some of those? Oh yeah, I got a lot. All right. Well, a few people out there have them.

855-266-2604 is the number to call. Gillian, by the way, you know her from the bear community, the Netflix series, Love, Transatlantic, wait, Love, Trans, it says the Netflix series, love, transatlantic. Oh, plural, plural, two Netflix series, two separate. I see. Yes.

Invincible. Yes. And much more. And much more. Much more. That's her- That's where the good stuff is. Yes, that's her personal line of toiletries.

I wish, that's where the money's at. No, no shit. And also, I want to talk to you, just because I've been seeing it on Instagram, but you recently did a really cool thing where there's like a performing arts high school that burnt down in Altadena and they just did their spring play at like the Amundsen or something? Yes, so I actually have a tote bag. Too bad this is radio or you could see it, but it's Elliott. Oh, Elliott Arts Drama. Yes, so I read, do you know Lauren Kahn?

She is a Funny or Die person. I do know who that is, yeah. So Lauren and I know each other. We worked together and she was posting about her friend who is the theater teacher at this art school from Alta Dena called Elliott Arts. And the school sadly burned. And I was very familiar with the school.

I'd never been there, but my heart just went out to them and these kids, and I was such a theater kid and I couldn't imagine losing my school. And so many of these kids have also lost their homes. And so I just reached out and I started volunteering, going into class and doing monologues and scene work with the kids. And it's been so fun.

So yeah, they had their big show and Center Theater Group and the Pasadena Playhouse came together to give them a new home for the spring musical at the Amundsen. So they- Which is like- Huge! It's like for anyone, it's like, you know,

fucking Carnegie Hall or something, you know. It was over a thousand people. Wow. They sold it out and they are sixth to eighth graders and they were completely unintimidated by the size of the theater. They went out there, they gave the show of their lives. They were so confident. It was so beautifully staged.

Shout out to Ms. Leaf, their director teacher. And yeah, so it was Shrek. And so I gave the intro speech and I got together my own version of a Shrek outfit. I had Shrek ears. Oh, nice. And a lime green outfit on. And so I'm sort of latched onto the school.

I don't even know if they want me to volunteer at this point, but I'm- Yeah, cause when I try and hang out with six to eight creators, they ask me to leave. No, these kids- I don't know how if they want me to volunteer at this point, but I'm... Right, right, right. Yeah, because when I try and hang out with six to eight creators, they ask me to leave. No, these kids... I don't know how you swung it. They're very tolerant. They allow me to hang out and pretend like I'm helping, but yeah, they're the best.

And they did such a great job. So I'm so proud of them. I'm really kind of in awe of them. I can't imagine performing for a crowd that large at that age. I would have frozen. Yeah, yeah. They're the best. So shout out Elliott Arts.

I think sometimes, like, young kids, they don't know to be afraid yet. Yes. Like, my daughter went to, she went once to, and she was pretty young when she did it. She was actually kind of almost a year too young to stage dorm manners. Yes, I've heard of it, of course.

Yeah, she went, my ex-wife sort of got her in there. And for people, it's like, for my, it's like Bobby Knight basketball camp, but for theater kids. Like it's for kids that really at age 13 are super serious about I'm gonna be on Broadway. And it was actually a little too serious for my daughter. When after she was done, she's like, you know, I think I'm good.

I think I'm good with- This is a hobby I realized this summer. Yeah. But she was in and they were there, I don't know, maybe three weeks, four weeks. And she went there, went in cold, and by the end, we went and saw a full production of guys and dolls.

Oh my gosh. With like 12 to 15 year olds or something like that. Yeah. And I was just like, I couldn't do that, but they just were like, yeah, okay, guys and dolls, let's do it. Let's do it. And yeah, singing their hearts out.

And I know I did tons of local theater, but I was doing like dinner theater in the far suburbs of Pittsburgh, where it was like you got a meal and a show and the smell of a dead rat that they could never get out of the building. And the sound of unwrapping candies and stuff. Yeah, no, it was nothing on that scale.

And I still don't know if I've ever, I mean, even the plays I did in New York Post College were never in a theater that large. These kids have bested me. Wow. Well, that's great. You think you're gonna do more of that? More educating kind of stuff?

Yeah, I'd love to, I mean, for as long as they'll have me. I've found it so gratifying. And it's really challenging because you have to actually think about your own process. Like saying that in full quotes because I don't really think about what I do. Oh, exactly. Like when somebody's like, what's your technique?

Like, I don't know. I don't know. You show up and learn the lines and then you say them like you think you should. Yes. So it was really forcing me to think about it. And it's very forbidden actor to actor to give notes.

So, you know, it's unusual for me to give thoughts, you know, in another person's performance. So that was also... But they're kids and they want you to. Yes, but I had to like get over that, you know, all those years of like never give another actor a note. Right, right, right. But yeah, I'd love to.

I would absolutely love to. I yeah, I'd love to. I would absolutely love to. I really enjoy it and I like just being in that environment because their love for the theater is so pure and unaffected by the realities of it being a job. And you can get so far away from that once it becomes your profession. So it can get so far away from that once it becomes your profession. And so it also just reminded me of being that agent,

loving it obsessively. And so that feeling that I'm always trying to get back to as an adult. But were there agents in the audience scouting talent for those kids? I don't know how fucking gross this talent is. It is LA. I don't, I haven't heard, I have to check in.

It's like, I think it was Jason Segal who got an agent after his high school play. I believe it. Yeah, yeah. I believe it. And it may have even been like one of my agents. Really? Yeah, yeah, I think.

It's a small town when you come down to it. It sure is. Yeah. Yeah, and it's like, well, we got a factory here and you look like you've got a strong back. Like you can tote stuff. Well, let's get back to the topic at hand, landlord stuff.

You don't, you probably own your own home at this point. Do you not? Yeah, but I had some really interesting adventures prior to that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I once discovered- I imagine you had lean years. Oh yeah.

And where your lodgings were not optimal. And in New York City where I couldn't afford to have my name on the lease, so subletting and Craigslist fines and renting a room, renting a closet in someone's apartment, finding out when I heard the topic for today, the first one that came to mind was finding out

that the building manager who lived in the basement had removed all the structural support beams for the entire building to make his apartment more spacious. And yet they didn't move us out. Oh, that's hilarious. I need some room. Yeah, so yeah, we were, I think it was truly one of those buildings

held together with paint. They're like in New York, they're like we we were I think it was truly one of those buildings held together with paint, you know They're like in New York. They're like don't even touch it because it's all gonna crumble and right now It's like a hundred years of paint is holding this whole thing together I've had so many crazy experiences yes, I I Lived in truly in in someone's closet in their apartment And was very happy for it, but I only had what her now ex-fiance had left behind

in there. And so he had for some reason a chair that folded out into a bed, like not even a futon, like a mini version of a futon. I slept on that. I was cast on Community. I was still sleeping. Did your legs hang over the edge of it?

Well, I'm short, so it was fine by me. It was okay? Yes, it was fine by me, but yeah, I just had the random things he had left behind. And I've got so many good ones. I'm like, what can I tell on the radio? That's nice that at least you went from that extreme to then a TV job. Yes, Yes. No, it was, I mean, the biggest change of life you could have from owning nothing and having zero money,

but then moving out here and getting an apartment and having no furniture. Having no idea even how one gets furniture. Did you have stuff at home, like at your folks' home or anything, or did you really have nothing? I really had nothing. I moved with books, books and clothes. That's all I owned.

Wow. Yeah, didn't invite anybody over for years. Yeah. Well, sure. Especially like, I mentioned it's hard to be, have romance when it's like, come back to my closet. I have a folding chair that we all take turns sleeping on. And maybe I should actually ask my roommate who really has the place if I'm even allowed

to bring anybody over. I know it was not great and something was really not above board because our method of paying the rent was also really strange. Oh, it was also across the street from an entire warehouse of knockoff Mr. Softy trucks. And you know, they play that, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, yeah, Turkey and the Straw. Morning, noon and night.

It was just a fleet of da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's kind of the antithesis of romance as well. Right, right, exactly. Yes. And that's apparently is a deeply racist tune. Fuck. Yep.

Didn't know that. Hated it already. No wonder it was turning you off. Oh my god. You just knew. And it was not Mr. Softie, so it would be like Mr. Cool Treat. Yeah. Mr. Not Hardy.

Yeah. Yeah, in New York City, I had a six-floor walk-up and in a heavy snowstorm, we were on the top floor, heavy snowstorm, all the drainage on the roof iced up. And when it started melting, the water just came in and the plaster, we had a small bedroom, queen-size bed, the plaster on one wall just fell off the wall onto our bed.

Like just like a big slice of cheese off the wall onto our bed. Oh God. And so, you know, we, and we weren't home, we came home and found the plaster and then water running down it. And that, there was nothing, they didn't do anything for like a month and a half.

Of course not. And the landlord, I got on, I was on the phone with him about this and was saying like, look, we have an unusable room. I should at least get like a portion of the rent off because literally one third of the tiny apartment is unusable.

And there's just no, no, no. And everybody, it was at work when I was having this argument with him and like threatening legal stuff which is like so toothless cause it's like I couldn't afford a fucking lawyer. And then, and in the middle of it, and I said something about like, I mentioned that I had just gotten married or something

and he went like, oh, you got married? And I said, yeah, and he said, well, Masltoff, good for you. And I was like, well, thank you very much. And people are just hearing me like, look, this has to be handled. Well, yes, thank you. Yes, we're very happy, thank you. But yeah, but that was, I mean, I've never had,

I mean, I had terrible apartments in Chicago, like one that literally in the winter time, we would set a mouse trap from the dining room and cross into the living room and sit down and you would only be seated for about 30 seconds when you heard it snap. Because there were so many mice that were just making a constant pilgrimage from the junk storage locker that was below us up.

And that was no fun. That was no fun. That was bad. No, I never really, I don't think I'd ever seen a rat in real life until I moved to New York to go to college. It was a lot of new for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think I'd ever seen, yeah, I didn't know how big they could get. They didn't really get quite large. Oh, they can. Yeah. It's funny you say that because literally on the drive here at a red light in Pasadena, I saw a rat darting around in cars and then it got up and it must've crawled up into the wheel well of some kind of Nissan. And I was just sat there waiting, thinking when the green light happens, the rat's gonna go, oh shit, we're moving.

It did not jump out. That person took off with an extra passenger that they were unaware of. That's how it gets its exercise in. It's just hamster wheel. Just hanging out in the engine bay. Oh man. Which is like, I didn't know that could happen,

but I guess, yeah, probably giving rides to freeloaders all over town. Oh, absolutely. I mean, yeah, there's a lot of opossums in LA County too. I had never really met one before. I would tell it was it was on top of a fence and we were eye to eye. And they have a lot of teeth. But they're more scared of us than we are of them.

They certainly are. So and opossums are wonderful creatures. They are. They eat a lot. Eat a lot. They're nature's garbage man. And they cannot get rabies. Yeah, I like them a lot. I like them a lot, but I did, I won't lie, I screamed perhaps louder than I've ever screamed when I came eye to eye with the opossum. We have very aggressive coyotes in our neighborhood

that are like grabbing little dogs. No. People walking little dogs, and at night, coyotes hide between parked cars, and then leap out and grab the little dogs and attempt to make off with them. Oh! It's very exciting.

Oh my God, that's horrible. Very exciting. That would be so traumatizing. The entire neighborhood is quite activated about it. Oh Lord. And some of them, we did get on KTLA though. You did? We did.

Our neighborhood, yeah. Do you have bears? Do you have bears in your neighborhood? No bears. I'm in, it's like in the middle of Old Town, Pasadena. I know, I know. your neighborhood? No bears. I mean, it's like in the middle of old top Pasadena. I know, I know. We're like way down. I mean, there's coyotes everywhere.

And everywhere I've lived, there's been coyotes, but not dog grabbing ones. No. Which just means that like probably some fucking idiot's been feeding them. So they've been, they're not afraid of people. So they're like, oh, here comes a person with a lunch, you know, on a string that they're walking behind him.

I never even thought of that. It's not good. Let's go to the phones. Let's talk about landlords now. Okay. Speaking of predators. You know, another thing that's funny is that when I posted this, I had a bunch of people

and social media being like, what about the good landlords? You know, there's some bad tenants too, let's hear about that. It's like, hey, you know what? Fuck you. Listen, yeah, there's, you know, yes, I'm sure there are good landlords,

but they can afford to buy property that they rent to other people just to make money off of. They've already got a leg up, you know? And yeah, I bet you there's shitty tenants. Okay. Anyway, let's hear about your bad landlord stories. Adam from Connecticut. Hi there. You got Gillian and Andy here. Hi, Adam. Hi. Great to be on the show. Thank you. My terrible landlord story. A second ago, my wife and I and our two-month-old were living in a first floor apartment in LA. We had just got back from a Christmas Eve service to an awful scent in our apartment. And it turned out that our bathtub was filling up with liquid

shift. All of the first floor apartments had the same issue. So obviously called up the landlord and he sarcastically said, well, thank you, Adam, so much for ruining my Christmas Eve. And after he processed his feelings. There are some good landlords though. Seriously. Yeah, there really are. Some of them are pretty good. You sound like a terrible tenant.

So he, he sprung to action. He called up a very intoxicated handyman who came with a monkey wrench stumbling down the street and he went to the carport and he unleashed hell. He opened up the entire plumbing system and shit was spraying throughout the carport onto the sidewalk and into the street. And then the guy just not missing a beat turns around and walks back up the street. The next day, obviously one of the tenants calls the Department of Health and our landlord shows up with a fold up beach chair, his shades on to oversee the cleanup effort. And he knocked on our door and handed

us the California pizza kitchen gift card for $10. What does that even get you at this point? Half a pizza. Yeah, exactly. A kid's meal, maybe. Exactly. Wow. Yeah, I'm plenty plenty more from that experience I mean he was he was just awful in every possible way. So do you get to take him to court or anything or There were some some more serious things that had happened we have two attempted break-ins That actually led us to wanting to leave the lease early.

And he put us to work. He said we needed to find the ideal tenant. What? Oh, wow. What, you had to find your replacement? Yeah. We did, yeah. Yep, so you needed to find like a cringing cuck

who would take any shit that would be doled out to them. That's right, yeah. I've never heard of that before. If you want to break your lease, you got to find your replacement. Right, right. My God. And also they have to be perfect.

And did you lie to this person to get them to move into your apartment? Like, what did you, like? I mean, we felt really bad about the whole experience, but with a two month old and a couple of break-ins and the shit tub, we needed to move on. All right, well you're now in Connecticut. I'm sure it's great out there. Wonderful.

All right. We haven't had a tub of shit, but yeah. All right, well there's always time. There's always Christmas. Yes, there's always this Christmas. All right, Adam, thanks for the call. Thank you. All right, we're at 855-266-2604. We're talking landlord stories.

We're just rental stories, you know? I mean, if you're a landlord and you've got a tenant story, I'm not gonna hang up on you, I got an hour to fill. James from Washington. How are you, James? How are you? Good. You know, it's actually been a rough day, but you know, this is, listening to this is good times. Big fan of both of you. Oh, thank you.

So, so about 15 years ago, I'm living north of Seattle. My best friend and I, we move into a third floor apartment. We just signed a year lease and about, I don't know, four or five months into it. They say we're going condo and you can, you can break your lease. You know, we'll let you move out whenever. And we're like, come on, we just, we just finished unpacking. We're not leaving. You know, we're going to run it out as long as we can." So they're doing all

their renovation stuff. They're tacking up a bunch of really tacky vinyl siding onto it to, quote, improve the look. It just looks terrible, but they're doing all this construction. So my buddy works during the day. I work the swing shift, so I don't need to leave until like 1230. So one day I wake up and go through my routine. I grab my bag, I walk out the front door, step onto the landing, look to my left, the stairs are gone. And these are not small stairs. They're big concrete slab stairs that are like three feet wide, about a foot more than a foot deep. And I could technically, I suppose I could leap down to the next landing,

what's a 10 foot or so drop straight down to the next flight of stairs. Wow. So I'm looking at this and I'm like, and there's nobody there. There's no workers and nobody. This is 1230 at night. No, in the, during the middle of the day, middle of the day. Oh no workers. Then nobody. This is 1230 at night. No, in the middle of the day. Oh, middle of the day. Okay. So they're off to lunch. And so I call up the apartment office.

They're out to lunch too. Wow. They're gone too, not taking any calls. So I call up my boss. And you know, this is 15 years ago. I got a flip phone with a really crappy low res camera. So I call up my boss and I'm like, yeah, I can't come in today. I might be able to make it in a little while later. He's like, what's up? And I'm like, my stairs are gone. And he's like, what? And I took a picture and I sent it to him. And he's like, I thought you were coming up with the stupidest excuse

to not coming into work. I saw that picture. But so I finally the landlord, the apartment complex calls me back and they tell me, oh yeah, we forgot anybody was living there. Oh, beautiful. Oh wow. Yeah. So, you know, like if there was a fire or something, I was paying attention, you know, I'd just step out into a 10 foot drop. But yeah, they were just like, eh, we don't need to give you any notice. We don't need to tell you any of this stuff is going on. It's just all of a sudden my stairs

have vanished into thin air. Wow. They put them back later on that day. Oh, thank God. But yeah, for those, but then they also, they were replacing all of the other flights of stairs one section at a time. Yeah. So I literally couldn't leave my apartment that entire like afternoon because they were,

they were pulling out the old ones and putting in new ones the entire day. But yeah, oh, I forgot, we forgot anybody was even living there. Wow. Do you feel like it was worth it to not move out looking back? Do you feel like you guys made the right move? How do you feel now? I mean, we just paid all of this stuff on it. And so there were some good times

that we had in that apartment. Right, obviously very quiet ones that didn't draw any attention to yourselves. That was the thing. Very, very quiet neighbors because, and we just walk into the apartments below us and look at what they were doing to renovate the place. And plus, we didn't have to clean before we left because they were just going to rip everything

out anyway. So we did nothing. We just walked out the door. But laziness wins out. It's powerful. We didn't want to go. Inertia, yes, it laziness wins out. Honestly, in the end, we were getting, we didn't want to go, you know, it did, inertia, yes, it's a strong force. That's, you should, you should always have a length of rope

that reaches the street, wherever you live. Yes, be ready with, to tie those bedsheets together and chuck them off the porch. Mini parachute. All right, James. Well, thanks for the call. Yeah, thank you. Have a great day.

All right, you too. Oh, yes, stairs. Stairs are important. They are pretty important. But living in walk-ups too, like nowadays, I can't even, well, I mean, I'd be in better shape if I lived in a walk-up, but like, yeah, this is like a sixth floor.

I lived twice in sixth floor walk-ups like, yeah, it's like a six-floor. I lived in twice in six-floor walk-ups. And wow, that's tough. Yes. It's a long way to walk. You're really thinking about each item at the grocery store. Like, do I really need this? Like I'll never buy another watermelon again. Oh, let's see.

Um, we got Allison from New Jersey. Hello? I guess you're in a hurry. You got Allison from New Jersey. Hello? I guess you're in a hurry. You gotta hang up soon for work? Sorry, yeah, I'm a therapist and I have a session at four. No, that's important. You wanted to call me? That is it.

Okay, well then go ahead. Go ahead. Now, yeah. Now you know what it's like. The clock is ticking and you gotta finish up with your problems. Yeah. I hope that they all feel uncomfortable talking about it. But yes, so I was calling it because my landlord was murdered on my block.

Wow. Yeah, yeah. So I live in a like essentially a two story apartment kind of thing. It's like a split level and there's a whole series of them on my block. And someone who no longer lived on the block texts me like, hey, what's going on in your block? There's a bunch of police there. I had no idea I was in a session

and looked out my window, walked down the block and saw a crime scene unit there, willing out the body. And apparently he was murdered there. Wow. Oh my god. And what, do you know what the circumstances were? Yeah, I ended up speaking to all the reporters, so I got the scoop. Well, of course.

But essentially... Excuse me, I can speak to this. Hello. Yes. And by the way, let me mention my practice. Well, I used various pseudonyms across different publications because I didn't want people to know who I was. So you can never find me.

Yeah, of course. There's a murderer loose. Yeah, I don't want people to know. But yeah, it was a tenant. He actually helped find them their apartment. And the tenant was this small woman. He was a big guy. And he had gone to them to collect the rent.

It was about $24,000 back in rent. Oh my gosh. The apartment was not that expensive, so it was a long time. Yeah. And the tenant murdered them, and the police came later that day, and the tenant pointed to the under the bed,

and the body was there. Oh! Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Not a, wow. Wow. Wow. Not a master criminal. No, definitely not. Wow, that's terrible.

Now see, and there's one of you, okay, this one, I'm on the landlord side in this one. I know I was, there was a real hard ass earlier, but I'm on the landlord side in this. Agreed. Yeah. My gosh.

I'm anti-murder generally. Yeah. Although these days, these days, you know, there's a few of them out there. Anyhow, well, I mean, were you okay with that? I mean, did you, okay, first of all, I'm gonna get the business out of the way.

Who do you pay rent to then? So we have, there were two partners in the business. Okay, first of all, I'm gonna get the business out of the way. Who do you pay rent to then? So we have, there were two partners in the business. Okay, okay. We have the other landlord and my heat stopped working that night. I had nobody to call, but it worked out. Jesus. So yeah, it worked out. I'm still in the apartment. Yeah, yeah.

So it, the murderer was caught, so I feel like that's okay. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, but you're kind of, it wasn't too stressful for you? I wouldn't say I loved finding out I had a murder or a murder. No, I know, I wasn't accusing you of that. No, no, no, no, I didn't think so at all. No, I mean, luckily I do what I do, but it was a little unsettling.

What is your self-talk to get yourself through a circumstance like this? Oh, um, they caught the murderer. It feels dangerous, but it's okay because it's not actually dangerous right now. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Well, that's good. That's good. You're a rarity in that you are a healthy therapist because most of those people are nuts. Yeah, we're, we get in the business for a reason, so we all are working on something. All right, speaking of which, you gotta go to work. Go to work.

Thank you so much, Allison. Thank you, Allison. Thank you, bye bye. Thank you. Yeah, see, that's, that is a landlord story, but it's a little bit different than what, you know, there's no murder, hopefully that's the only murder story. James, James is calling from New Mexico. You don't have a murder story, do you?

I do not actually. That's going to be a hard one to top. Oh, we don't need topping. Don't worry about that. Yeah, yeah. Actually, I have a bad tenant story and a good landlord story for you. All right. We're on a roll.

We back in my early twenties, which would have been back in the 1990s, uh, I was a young man and looking to find an apartment, get out of my mom's house on a great place. The landlord's name was Ron. Uh, but he didn't want me to move in there alone. Cause he said, with your income, you can't afford it. You need a roommate. I said, okay, I got a friend that'll move in with me. Didn't know the friend was as hard of a partier as he was. And one day I come home and the police have surrounded the building,

multiple police cars. I'm like, okay, it's probably my place. Mike was my roommate. He was not behaving up to that point. He had smashed a guitar into the wall and we hung a poster over it so the landlord didn't see the hole. Classic. Nice. And so I go into my apartment and my buddy, roommate Mike, he's just half his hair is torn out, his face is bloody, he got into a drunken fight during a party at our apartment. And so Ron, the owner of the building was there and of course he's upset that there's so many police there.

And long story short, a couple weeks later, I accidentally broke the toilet and I rigged it up to not to work, but I didn't do it properly. So I come home one day, the hallway carpets wet. I go downstairs and the people below us, their roof ceiling had caved in in their bathroom but all the drywall fell out. Oh no. Because the toilet was running for hours and overflowing.

Oh. So Ron, the owner shows up and he's really upset now Because the toilet was running for hours and overflowing oh So Ron the owner shows up, and he's really upset now He said Ron looks at me goes. This is your roommate again, isn't it? I said I'm not I'm not sure I Never told them the truth that it was actually me and not my roommate that did the toilet Yep I never told them the truth that it was actually me and not my roommate that did the toilet Yep They uh, we got kicked out but but the owner said the landlord said I'll let you stay but your roommate has to go Wow, what happened? I feel bad because I never told them that the roommate, you know He did most of the damage but the toilet was my fault, right? I kept it secret. You guys are the first ones to know in 25-some-odd years.

I hope Ron's not listening. Ron! Ron! What happened with the roommate and the cops? Was he arrested that night? What? He did not get arrested. It was, they were just there to stop the fight,

stop the party. OK. Stop the out of control. You know, because you have a two bedroom apartment with like 75 people in it. That's a little bit too much. Oh, yeah. And you weren't there the entire time? Were did you work nights or something? No, it was I did. I worked like a second shift job. So I, I got home and it was just police central. And, and, you know, and I was, I might have been

a little bit upset with him about the police, obviously. That's the last thing you wanna see. And one police officer, okay, but 10 of them, that's a lot. Yeah, that is a lot. What was the grow out process like after half of his hair had been pulled out? He was able to comb it, so he didn't notice

that the hair was pulled out. But yeah, I could see it in his face. He had this crazy-eyed look, like he'd just been in a big fight. And I don't know if there was more than one person in the fight, because I wasn't there. But yeah, Rob did not like my roommate very much because of the partying.

And then he assumed that Mike broke the toilet, and I never told him that Mike didn't. So Mike, if you're listening, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry, too. All right, well, James, thank you so much for the call. And please don't do any more plumbing. That's what I was going to say. That's one of those things where you want to call a professional. Leave it to the professionals. You really want to call a professional. Yeah. Yeah. That's a whole other story about the toilet. I'll tell you that, guys.

Yeah. When we have toilet problems as our theme. That would be an endless one too. Sweep, sweep. Yes. Thanks, James. Thank you, James. Thank you, folks. Keep up the good work.

Thank you. We're at 855-266-2604 talking landlord stories. And well, we also, Gilly, just so you know, we will take it to any topic. Sure. And we call them wild cards. Okay. Ooh.

And we have one from Heiko, from North Carolina. It is Heiko? Yeah, can you hear me? I can hear you. I'm so excited. Oh, I'm so excited. Andy Richter, you don't know what sort of fan I am. Oh, well thank you, Heiko. sure you don't know what sort of fan I am. Oh, thank you

Let me tell you in Stuttgart. We don't like Conan or Brian be like Andy Richter only and in Dresden They like Robert Schmeigel Because that's a very very dirty city. I see I'm keeping I'm keeping it very short. Okay. Okay. Let me tell you what your name means in German. That's what they call, that's what they tell me on the phone call. Your name means Richter, means judge. Yes. You know that? I do know that. But did you know it's also similar to Ritter, which means knight, like knight in shining shining armor. Yes I knew that too. But also so you so oh speaks to Deutsch? A little bit. No I didn't. Like restaurant German.

I did take a year of German in college but I don't remember much of it. College where you go to college? University of Illinois, Champagne Urbana. Okay I see, makes sense. But also reminds me of two English words that make me laugh a little, belly laugh. Also, rectus and rectum. Mm-hmm. Never heard that before, have you, Andy? No, never heard Andy rectum.

No, no, no, never heard that before. Andy rectus, no, that actually would be, that's a good, like, that's good. Like, somebody to call me Andy Richtis, that's good. They're literate. Yeah, yeah. Your superhero name could be Andy Rigor Mortis. Yes, but probably not. It wouldn't fit on a, it wouldn't fit on a body sock.

You could stick people with your hard, very hard hands. Yes. Yes. Yes, my superpower would be stillness. Yes, no, stillness, but also your very hard, dead skin would peel other people's skin off when you hit them. Okay. But hold on a second because Miss Jacobs, I have to tell you, I'm not going to get into my landlord thing, but here in Asheville, I'm in a two-story townhouse. Landlord is Shankur.

He loves Danny Pudi, let me tell you. So he turned me on to community, and I put you as number one in beauty amongst the community cast. Oh. Take that, Danny Pudi. Yeah. Take that, Chevy Chase. Yeah, well, Danny Pudi is- Alison Brie, I put number three. Oh take that Danny Pooty. Yeah take that Chevy Chase. Yeah well Danny Pooty is.

Alison Brie I put number three. Oh we don't have to rank they're every we're all gorgeous that's what all the headlines were. What a gorgeous cast. Yvette Nicole Brown number two for me. All right so anyway but Andy I do do need to just inform you of something that's been going around, because maybe you've heard that the Pope has died? Yes. Have you heard this? Yes, the Pope is dead. Well, there's a petition going around among international Catholics that Conan O'Brien

needs to lead the College of Cardinals to elect the new pope. I think that's a terrible idea. That's a, they wouldn't get anything done. They wouldn't get anything done. Conan O'Brien is a Catholic icon around the world. Around the world. All right.

I go, listen, we gotta move on. Thank you for this. I understand, okay. I appreciate your call. I'll call listen, we gotta move on. Thank you for this. I understand, okay. I appreciate your call. I'll call you again next time. Okay. Next time I'll call as myself. Okay, thank you, Heiko.

Or maybe another character. All right. All right, love you guys. Goodbye, bye. Bye. Please. Now, do you know who that was? No.

I don't know who that was, but I smelled a rat. You smelled a bit. Speaking of rats. Yeah. I know the difference between the real German accent and whatever that was because that's the kind of German that's the kind of German accent I would do. Kate from Chicago come on be real. Hi Kate. Hi Kate. I'm real and I'm not gonna rank how you guys look, don't worry.

Okay. I mean, I wouldn't mind. Number one, because before. It was Gillian that had the problem with, I'm always ready for ranking. I love a list. Buzzfeed guy over here. Kate, what's up?

So my story is that I rented a roach infested apartment from my landlord and he refused to do anything. And it was so bad that I had to cede territory to the roaches for house. Like I couldn't, I couldn't function. And I have a question for you guys. Do you know what roaches fornicating looks like? Oh, thankfully not. No, but I imagine it sort of looks, you know, Roachy style. Doesn't it?

Well, it's, I mean, in Roachy style, butt to butt. Oh, they go butt to butt? That's exciting at least. Oh. I think there, yeah, I think there is a, there's a Pornhub term search for, or you know, search for that search term. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. Well there is now. Yeah. Imagine, imagine coming into your kitchen and you just want a glass of water because that was their ground zero and they're just butt to butt fornicating on your wall. So wait, so you ced the kitchen to them?

What did you do for food storage? Well, so sometimes I'd find them in like my bread bag. Oh yeah, oh yeah, you have to get real comfortable just smushing them. So they like the night, but they'll come out during the day. Yeah. So like after 8 p.m. you just, that's their, that's their country. You just, you just don't go in there. You just don't go in there. Yeah.

How long did you last in this apartment? Well, it was rent controlled. Ah, he knew he had you. So she's still there. She's been there for 30 years. He knew you weren't going anywhere. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, when I had my mouse problem in Chicago,

the pantry had to be like everything in Tupperware and stuff like that. Because there was one time where we had a loaf of bread that was in the paper bag, kind of like Italian loaf or something. And when I noticed that like at the back end, there was like a perfect little hole where a mouse had just like eaten,

eaten like head deep into it. And just imagining what a happy little fella, like just getting up to his shoulders and a loaf of bread and were you broke enough that you still ate the slice? Oh fuck yeah. No I didn't eat this I just cut off the bread. Yeah yeah yeah sure. I mean you gotta eat that bread. Yeah and he didn't live in it or anything. That you know of. That I know of. He wasn't butt to butt with anybody in it.

Kate you still there? Oh, bye Kate. Thank you Kate. Thank you Kate. Chang, Chang are you there? Yes sir. How are you? Hello, yes hello, Andrew.

And hello Gillian, I am well. Good. I can't believe I'm on the phone with both of you, but here goes. Believe it. You set a low bar, buddy. Hearing is believing. Yes.

Yeah. Well, see, I'm lucky because my therapist just said she was gonna be like 15 minutes late. I called her in Jersey. So anyway. In Jersey. Wow. Yeah.

Not any therapists in Maine? No, she's worth it, man. Anyway. So, I'm not sure if I'm to top fornicating roaches, but here goes. This story comes from my brother whose landlord pulled it to him. This was, we lived in Boston for a while. But anyway, so one night this landlord gets a call from his tenant who lives in a building he owns down north of Boston and it says you got to come up here there's something crazy going on on the second floor and the landlord's like what? It's like one in the morning he says I don't know but

there's like water coming down and my ceiling is bowing like it's round, it's not flat. Oh. Landlord's like, oh my, oh my God. Okay, the landlord gets up there and he gets there, you know, knocks on the door, takes the first floor tenant forever to hear him because of the noise. When the landlord goes into the apartment, he sees, sure enough, the tenant was not lying. The ceiling is like like bowing it just

looks like a big fat I don't know cowbelly or something yeah it's like the paint has created a membrane yeah exactly exactly could not put it better myself so so he's like okay so they try and you know knock on the second floor door they can't get anybody to respond so So he's like, well, we got to break in. So they go around back, go up the back stairwell, manage to like, they find the back window is open on the kitchen, you know, and like some apartments with the kitchen overlooks like stairs on the back of the place. Anyway, so he gets in, climbs into the kitchen window. First thing he notices, the kitchen cupboards have all been stripped.

The doors pulled off. All of them covered. Get ready, Gillian, it gets better. I was listening to your cringe on the previous call about the roaches and we're going to, we're going to maybe get up there. But anyway, um, chicken wire replaced all the cabinet doors because inside behind the wire there are chickens. In the upper cabins? I am told it was upper lower every cabins. Wow. Chickens, chickens, chickens. So the landlord's like holy fuck and he manages to get

a little further into the place and around the corner where there's a bathroom and he notices first the smoke coming from the bathroom and he's like, my God, that's thick. He opens the door. There is someone in the bathroom by the tub in the tub is a hibachi going full bore. The vent is going, but it's not working. And the guy's cooking chicken and the lens. And, and, and then he goes, I mean, he goes to like the, the, the next room at the front of the building, which is where the apartments, the like living rooms.

Yeah. And where they think the source of the fat bowling bulging ceiling is he goes in and he sees a, a like king size inflatable pool is set up in this room and it is full of people laughing, singing, there's music, and they're all eating grilled chicken and having a great time drinking and partying. And the landlord is just speechless. Yeah, yeah. Excuse me.

So, he finally finds in this, the group of people, the tenant. And at this point, it begs me to tell you, you know, it's a group of immigrant tenants. And I, as a proud child of generations of immigrants, I'm not going to speak against them, but this is, you know, their first English was their second language, it was their first experience living here. Yes. And the language. But they obviously knew how to live. He knew how to live better than the rest of us. Right. Yeah. But anyway, but so he, he says to the pen, he's like, what the hell's going on? What are you doing?

You can't do this. And the tenant says to him in his, his, his English, he says, you show me in lease where it says, I cannot keep chickens in kitchen. You show me in lease where it says I cannot grill and you know, butcher and grill chickens in bathroom. Yeah. In the bathroom. And you show me in the lease where it says I can't have a pool in the living room in

the apartment. And the landlord is just so astonished. He just started laughing and called the cops. Yeah, yeah. Because, because really, you know, while he didn't have a copy of the leaf, it was clear that, you know, the man was in the wrong. But yes, the legend doesn't tell us what happened. I assume the tenants were gone and the chickens were, but I got to wonder if, I got to wonder if subsequent tenants ever wake up like in the middle of the night like,

you smell that? It's a pretty good, you know, there's some flawless logic to show me in the lease. Sure. Show me in the lease where it says I can't sell cocaine. Yeah. Show me in the lease where it says I can't have ritualistic killings. Show me. Exactly. It says, I can't have ritualistic killings. Show me.

Exactly, exactly. If you wanted me to not have ritualistic killings, you should have put it in the leaf. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. And I will say too, in my defense, I've been a landlord and I've also been a tenant, but I was a good landlord.

Yeah. And I never had this problem, but now I, I, my hands and hands go out. That goes off to the ingenuity of this fella for this particular. Yeah. Yeah. Grill off. Nice. Wow.

Just imagine this, you know, you ever seen those old 19th century triple beckers in Boston? They, they went, they, they went through some stuff all those years of all those things. I bet. Well, I mean, the guy, it does sound like this guy, you know, who knows? Maybe this was like the beginning of Chick-fil-A. Oh. You know? Or some sort of, I'm some sort of, is there currently a hot tub and chicken restaurant?

There isn't. Oh, you better hop on, either you or Gillian are gonna copyright that. Oh my gosh, do you remember that show, Blind Date, where they would always go to that hot tub place in LA? Absolutely, yes. That always looked so vile to me. So nasty. So vile.

Right, right, right, right, yeah. Yes. Let's go, let's spend on a blind date. Yeah. After, you know, after we have Cheesecake Factory dinner, let's go stew in some juices, some hot, shared juices. Oh, what the staff and stuff. Yeah.

Sorry, that's not very- All right, Chang, you better, it sounds to me like the wolves are at your door, so you better take care of them. It might be the chickens. All right, thanks, Chang. Great to talk to you guys. Bye. Bye-bye. This is also reminding me,

one of my favorite recurring New York Post covers would be like exotic animal found in apartments. Absolutely. Tigers in like, Gowanus. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And the one that always stuck with me was a picture of a man standing at the front door of his apartment, and in the photos, he's holding a photo of him beaming pure bliss and joy

and he is surrounded by like 10 tiny monkeys that are his best friends and living companions and someone had ratted him out and they had taken them away and the New York Post had come to him to interview him and he's just showing them the picture of what happiness looks like. And I wish I could, maybe somebody listening to this

will be able to find that. Cause I've always thought about that picture with the man and all the monkeys and just, I'll never know what it feels like to be that happy. Well, yeah, but he must not, he must not have lived with the monkeys for long. Someone was on to him. Yeah, you can't.

They're not quiet. There was some video that was making the rounds recently, and it was some Russian woman that had, it looked like a capuchin monkey. It was like a big monkey. And it was just her, and it was like time cuts of her in an apartment as this monkey did not stop moving, like bouncing all around, and like using her head

as one of its bouncing points. And she's just crying and talking to the camera. Obviously, I don't speak Russian, but I know regret. And it's just like, I should not have brought a monkey into my Moscow apartment. Have you ever acted with a monkey or had a monkey on this show? I absolutely, numerous times.

And in fact, there was a chimp that we used to use, and it was kind of a young chimp, and that's like all this chimp crazy stuff. Like, now I can never enjoy a great ape in a film again unless Diane Fossey's involved. But there was a chimp that we stopped using because it was hitting me in the head. I too have been hit on the head by a monkey.

With its heavy, heavy fists and a crazy couple, like the crazy married couple that, and its name was, it had like an old man name, like Murray or something like that. And each one of them knew what Murray wanted, but neither one of them could intercede on my behalf. No. So we got over the bit done, but Murray was like really

hurting me, causing me physical pain. I can only imagine. I was like, yeah, Murray, no, we're done. No, no more Murray. What did you have? Well, we had a recurrent, there was a monkey that was a recurring character on Community. Mm-mm.

And they wrote a scene in which I'm running down the hall, yelling and the monkey's on my shoulder and hitting me on the head. I don't know what I did to the writers that week, but. This'll fix it. Yeah, it's a small monkey, but even still they're very strong and the monkey hitting me on the head did not feel great.

Yeah, yeah. And we never did one or two takes on that show. Of course not. You know, like six hours later. Yeah. Yeah, no, we had all kinds of, we had goats. I mean, I'm sure you had so many animals come through. I have worked with, yeah, tons and tons of animals.

And I love it. Yes. Especially like on the Conan show, yeah, that was like one of my, you know, fulfillment of childhood dreams. After watching talk shows and seeing Jack Hanna bring on a, I was always like, I wanna be there. I wanna hold that koala. And then I got to, it was like,

and every time we did that, I was like, I was no longer a television professional. I was just a guy that was getting to hold a tiger cub. You know? What's that like? Oh, fucking awesome. Baby bears and you know, and some of them are like scary. Like somebody brought on like a full grown fucking alligator

and it was just like sitting in front of us on the couch. Nope. I was like, and it was almost immobile. I was like, how can we know this is true? And then Conan, and I've told this before, Conan was always like wanting to get the laugh. And like there was one time where there was a Cobra on his desk, reared up, full hood, you know,

sparring with him and he was taunting it by, you know, bouncing his face at it. And I walked off the set cause I was just like, I don't wanna see you get bit in the face by a fucking Cobra. No. Conan. And then I have to do a job with like a half face. You know, I have to do the, we have to do the rest of this show

with like you having a necrotic half face. Oh. I don't want that. Ha ha. I got bills to pay. Necrotic is a good word. It sure is. That's the name of my memoir. Ha ha. All right, we gotta get going.

Sorry, sorry. Michael, oh no, wait, who we got? Cliff, Cliff from San Diego. Are you there? Hey, hey guys. Hi Cliff. Hi Cliff, how are you? I'm in Boston. Oh, you're in Boston, all right.

Back during what they called the big dig they were putting the tunnels in, I grew up in a town called self self Boston and it became pretty pretty much rat city for a while what side of town is that on? I'm sorry. South Boston is probably like a mile out of downtown it's on the water okay I got you so it's between it's between basically Ple bay and downtown it's it's you know um about a mile from downtown so all right so anyway the big dig is rat central the big dig rat central that's when they were disrupting all the rats in their underground places so they were looking for other places to live oh wow we lived in the house was probably about a hundred 110 years old yeah it had the, the plumbing was the original clay pipes

that went into the source. Yeah. So one night I come home with this young lady, where's the bathroom? I said, it's right over here. She goes to the bathroom and screams rat in the toilet. Guess what? Taking a bath in my toilet by a rat, right?

So I say, go grab me something. And I have to grab you one bottle of wine. Something to hit it with. Oh, I see. OK. Yes. I had probably 100 hockey sticks like laying in the corner. He comes over the tenderizer. So anyways, we go to we go to bed that night. Back in the day, there was one exterminator in the city.

Okay. And so I call him up and I said, you gotta get over here right now, forest pet control. He said, what's going on? I said, I have a rat swimming in my toilet, which is right next to my bedroom. He says, I can't get there tonight. I'll tell you what. if Out white okay seems to be that choice okay? So the next day the next day I call the city and the city inspector comes up because that's what they had right yeah Yeah, I'm already horrified. I want to move out of the house And I'm a big guy. I just can't rats. I can't do right Yeah

The guy walks downstairs to the cellar and I didn't notice it before where the washer and dryer was back down there And there's a pretty archaic cell right the? The stone walls, but he puts his finger, there's a couple of holes in the ceiling and he goes, yep, sticks his phone and finger in there. He says, you got a nest in here. Go to the next hole. He goes, Oh, you still have some babies in this one, right? And he's, he's got the rat extrament on his finger and he's got this long antenna wire and he's sticking in and he goes, yeah, yeah you got a nest another nest over here anyways long story short i slept in the car for three days they were coming they were coming out of the sore and they what they did is push through the clay

in the house where the sore pipe meets the you know the house pipe yeah and they just put in back in the day we it'd be 10, 15, 20 rats in the house. They just couldn't get rid of them. It was a horrible thing to live in. And we were clean people. It didn't matter. It was just better than living in the source. Rats will find a way. Wow. So then I moved this- They couldn't, they couldn't like, did they clear them out and then they just kept coming back. Yeah, we had a you know, we replaced the pipes right?

Yeah, they think in the back then the cellars were dirt. Even have floors. And you know, they we we replace the pipes. And then you know, it was like, Okay, what's my what's my options here? Well, we can put some poison around. But you know, for two or three weeks You're gonna have the worst smell you ever smelled in your life in your house. So I was like, oh No good. So we did that in the in deal

You could hear them at night freaking out because you're in the walls, right? Yeah, bang bang bang off the wall. It was terrifying. Yeah slept in a hotel for a week and one night I got up in the middle of night and I used to keep all the lights on and wall. It was terrifying. Yeah. Yeah. Slept in a hotel for a week and uh, one night I got up in the middle of the night and I used to keep all the lights on and we had a, what you call back in the day of blackout, right? The Edison plant went down. So all the, all the electricity was off. So I get up, put my feet on, on the ground and underneath my bed a rat runs right over my foot.

And I gotta tell ya, I just, so I go forward 20 years and I moved to San Diego and from Boston and then the first house I move into, you know, I see some droppings on the inside and go to bed at night and we see that the dryer, which is on the first floor, open that door up in the morning, there's droppings. We pull the dryer back. They eat through the holes the fall with me now

Taking for like 60 days. Yeah, what was happening is they didn't have a vent on the dryer Hose outside so they were nesting in the houses and Wow moved out to that place and move down that place in four days down the street So yeah, yeah, you're the Piper. You're back I guess so you're back you're in a living a rat fee existence rat free existence now Well, I appreciate it guys. Have a great job. I appreciate you guys. Thanks. Oh, wonderful rat free day. Thank you, Cliff Alright, we'll see you. Alright. Thanks so much, Cliff. Have a wonderful rat-free day. Thank you, Cliff. All right. We'll see you. All right.

Thanks. Well, that's it, Billy. That's it. All right. That's it. That's an hour. We normally pick a favorite, but there's so many here. Yeah, there are a lot of good ones.

Yeah, the rat in the toilet's pretty hard to top. Chickens in the apartment. I think rat toilet is going to be my pick. Yeah. I don't know. gonna be my pick. Yeah. I don't know, I don't think I can. There's just too many. I mean, that crazy German accent, that was a riot. Do these people ever reveal themselves to you later on? Who the mystery callers are?

Is this a recurring segment? Do you have people assuming character? No, no, no. Oh, okay. That was actually, well, as far as I know. Okay. Usually people are very above board and they don't do bits.

I have told people though, if they wanna lie, that's fine. Yeah, who cares? Yeah, I don't care. You wanna spice up the story a little? Just make it a better story. Whatever, yeah, whatever. That's not my problem. No, but I guess the rat in the toilet's pretty good.

I would say that. Dead Landlord, that's, you know, there's a lot of shocking stuff in this show. No, no, no. This, we went, you know, to the edges lot of shocking stuff in this show. No, no, no. This we want, you know, the edges of human existence with this. We sure did. Glad you could be here. Thank you for having me. You're welcome. I mean, I'm going to feel really grateful when I go back and there's not a

tub full of shit or a rat in my toilet. Anything you want to plug before you go? Oh, well, let's see. I, you know what? I actually am a guest contributor to a SiriusXM owned podcast called 99% Invisible. Oh nice. And so if anybody wants to check out some of the episodes I've done for them,

I did one actually on a Poison Control sticker. Oh nice. So, and I did one on the history of the LA River, which was really interesting. Oh yeah. The history of the Walk of Fame, the Hollywood Walk of Fame. And my most recent one was on Smell-O-Vision. Have you ever heard of that brief weird fad?

No. In like 1960, this guy Mike Todd Jr., whose dad was this big- The movie producer. Who was married to Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor, yeah. Died very suddenly and left the company to the son who was like 28 years old and he was trying to figure out

what he could do to match his very big picture and presario father. And so he went all in on smell-o-vision. And so he produced one and only movie that had all these smell cues in it. And then they had to- Scratch and sniff cards? No, no, no, no, no, that would be small potatoes. Not for Mike Todd Jr? No, no, no, no, no, that would be small potatoes.

Okay. Not for Mike Todd Jr. All right, all right, all right. No, no, no, no, no. They had these boxes with tubes to every single seat in the theater and they had this thing called the smell brain that would pump smells to your seat individually and it did not work.

Yeah, he lost everything. It ended, pretty much ended his producing career. But I got to tell the whole history of that. It's a classy podcast, so they made me cut all the Elizabeth Taylor, Eddie Fisher, Mike Todd, Debbie Reynolds drama of it. But they've pretty much let me do whatever I want to do on this. So I'll plug 99% Invisible. Well, check it out, people. And that's it for us.

We'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richard Collins show. Stay tuned now. Laurie Kilmartin's Stand Up on Conan is on. And always check the toilet before you sit down. That's just a good rule of thumb. Yep.