The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Gretchen Mol

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

Actress Gretchen Mol (Boardwalk Empire, Rounders) joins Andy Richter to discuss why she had to move out of Los Angeles, her work with Abel Ferrara, her new film “Millers in Marriage,” her clothing line, Gretchen M, and much more.Do you want to talk to Andy live on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio? Leave a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER. Listen to "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" every Wednesday at 1pm Pacific on SiriusXM's Conan O'Brien Channel.

Hi everybody, welcome back to The Three Questions. I'm your host Andy Richter, and today I am talking to actress Gretchen Moll. You've seen her in Boardwalk Empire, Rounders, The Notorious Betty Page, and Manchester by the Sea. Her new film, Millers in Marriage, is out February 21st. Here's my conversation with Gretchen Moll. That's one of the things about working in film and TV is that that clapper is like, I love that clapper. I know it's so real.

It makes it real. Yeah, it really does. It's like, it's just one of those things that never doesn't feel that doesn't make me feel like a kid. You know, it always makes me feel like a kid. Yeah, same thing with being on a studio lot. Like I just will never get over. Oh my god, this looks like New York City. But it's Burbank. Yeah, yeah. It's such a thrill. I know. Yeah. And, yes. It's such a thrill, I know. And how fun, it's such a, you know, I feel so lucky to be able to get those thrills from

the thing that you do. I mean, maybe I sometimes am frustrated I don't get to do it as often as I want to. Oh, that's my whole life right now. I feel the same. I'm making dresses and I'm like, I'm a dressmaker now. But oh, that's right. You have a clothing line. Yes. But you was that something you always wanted to do? Not always. I just had an idea. It was like a little light bulb in the back, you know, in the back burner for some time. And then during I think it was really during COVID,

I started to have more space in my just to think about it and to start the wheels going on it, and slowly, slowly, and incrementally. It's just been fun to have this other creative thing to do and to focus on. It's time-consuming actually. Yeah, it's running a business. Yeah. When the business is just you, it's not so, you know.

Right. It's like, as an actor, you run a business, but the business is you. Someone else, yes. Yes. And it requires other people to bring you into something, whereas this is, you know, you're the motor. And it's great. It's been great in terms of that feeling of, you know, self-empowerment really,

maybe just to kind of do, you know, to have an idea and to see it through. It's never been, you know, really who I am as an actor. I don't feel that kind of sense of ownership over the things, you know, so much. So this is fun. It's nice to have that. Do you sew?

No, I don't sew. I can put a button on or no, it's really working with a pattern maker and having the sort of idea of, I mean, to just be able to do a drawing, but not in any, I didn't go to, you know, FIT or anything. It was just, I think it really came out of all the costume fittings and period pieces that I've been in over time. You end up thinking about clothes in a real critical way. Yes and what you like and the power of a certain silhouette and how I would love to have that in my life not just always on a set. So that's really where it came from. I don't think that I bet you there's not a lot of designers

that can sew. Like I think if you gave, you know, if you gave a lot of designers an old McCall's dress pattern and said make me a dress, they wouldn't know what the hell to do with it. I know, it's like you cut it up and they made them so easily back then. Yeah, I know. Yeah, and that's also, I always love vintage clothing shopping and going into these places and finding these things. And then when you open, when you look at the seams, you see that somebody did it by hand. And it's always, the details of it are always so special

and so unlike the kind of clothing that you see now. I mean, unless it's couture and a gazillion dollars, it feels just like kind of throw away in the... Yeah, yeah. And it is, because it is, you know. Yeah, fast fashion and all. It's, yeah. Yeah. You live upstate now, right? You live in New York? I live in the Berkshires. In the Berkshires? It's actually Massachusetts.

It's... It's in Massachusetts. Yeah, Northwest Connecticut, and then I'm a mile over the border into Massachusetts. And that was a COVID move, correct? It was. It was a place that we had, we'd been coming here and then we had just bought a place a year before COVID. And then we found ourselves living in it full-time. And I always kind of wanted to anyway. Oh, really?

Yeah. Every time the weekend would be over, I'd be like, why? I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like,

I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm. So yeah, every time the weekend would be over, I'd be like, why are we? And New York City sort of, I love it, but I felt ready for a change anyway. So I'm, you know, we're still trying to get that balance. Now I feel like it's the opposite where I have to go to the city a lot during

the week, but sometimes it's that's kind of it's just the reverse. But then when I come home, I'm really in a home that I love and I feel a lot of peace and quiet and good community. And it's just great. I think even if you love cities and you love New York City in particular, it still is a grind. It still has an erosive sort of effect on just your, you know, you can't, the thing that's a very basic thing to me is like, when you step out of your house, say there, or even here in Pasadena, California, there's, it's not a lot of challenge, you know, I mean, it's, it's a nice, there's

trees, it's green, you know, that, yeah, there's traffic and stuff, but there's things to do and it's kind of pretty. So, whereas New York, your cortisol level goes up because you have this, it's not necessarily fight or flight, but there is a bit of like, oh man, it's crowded and oh, it's moving and I got to move and you know, look out for that guy and oh, broken glass. So, you know, it's a constant little conversation and negotiation. And every, even when you're on the train, it's, and the sad part is now as a sort of visitor, I feel like that part of me, it has, I've gotten soft.

Like it's, I'm more sensitive to it now when I go in. Yeah. I really don't love that that's the outcome of it. I always, I prided myself on, I mean, it was hard to leave the city. It was a place that I moved as an 18, 19 year old kind of where the world opened up. But at a certain point, it's the same thing. You're bringing your life. What is your life and what are you doing on the day to day?

And where do you need to be? And when I'm not working, I may as well be in a place that makes me feel good. And it doesn't feel like every time you go to the grocery store, you buy three things and it was $75, you know? Right, right, right. I mean, that kind of thing, it just got... I mean, I would have stayed on had COVID not happened,

but then, you know, it just made... It was a realization, it was that moment where you think, here's a moment where life can change maybe for the better. Yeah. Yeah, I'm digging it. It's good. How do your kids like it? Because your kids are 17 and 11? Is that what I remember? 17 and she's turning 14 this month. Oh wow. Wow.

Yeah, and they love it. And that's the other piece. It's sort of if anyone else, you know how it is, like you're only as happy as you're is it You're only as happy as your Saddest kid or whatever like oh, I've never heard that one. Oh, yeah, like, you know if they weren't happy then we wouldn't have done it too, but just seeing how they responded and Like my son I felt like he always had like Sniffles or allergies or something and all of a sudden that was gone. And then, you know, just the air and everything.

So you don't realize that. Yeah. Like you said, it's, it's, it's a tough place to New York city can be a tough place to live. Yeah. Especially for kids and for families. Yeah. And it was just time. It was so nice to just suddenly have more space and all of that.

So, yeah, we yeah, we're good. You're from the East Coast. You're from Connecticut. Originally, I'm Connecticut, small town. Yeah. And, um, and your mom, you come from teachers, educators. I do. Yeah.

Yeah. On my mom's side, many were, um, many were teachers, like one-room schoolhouse teachers. Oh, wow. Yeah. And then my mom became a—she was an artist and was also a teacher for 26 years, yeah, at an art school in Norwich, Connecticut. Wow. And your dad was a principal, right? My dad was a principal at an all boys school and then he became an administrator for special education of a school district too.

So yeah, he was involved in that. And yeah. My friend, Padgett Brewster, do you know Padgett? Have you ever met Padgett? I have not. No. Yeah, I know. She has a similar upbringing.

Her parents, both her parents were sort of teachers and then like, you know, her dad at I think an all-boys school up in Massachusetts. Yeah, so it's very similar kind of. Did she have like an emphasis on her education? Because interestingly, I did not. It was funny coming from that. Oh, really? Yeah. It wasn't like, now you must. I don't know if it was because my parents got divorced and they weren't focusing on that so much or I don't know. It's probably, it could very, I mean, I, you know, I've been divorced and it definitely,

you do sort of like. It's just how, yeah, day to day. Yeah, you have, when you're married married you don't have to think about yourself, you know Like yourself is part of this coupling and then you know, and then all of a sudden is like oh shit I gotta have a life now, you know I need to figure out what I how I fill up these days, right? When did that happen? Oh that was in 2019 we split up. Okay.

Oh, wow. And since we married and so on. Right. Yeah, yeah. It's all pretty recent. Yeah, a lot of change. A lot of change. And, but it's great.

It's very good. I married somebody, I married a mom that she didn't, there was no dad. She had a child on her own. When I met her, she's just turning two. She's going to be five in a little, just a few, you know, like a couple of weeks. So I have a 24 year old, a 19 year old and a five year old. So, yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Which is, which they're because, and you know, people act like it's, well, first of all, people give men far too much credit when they, for fathering. Fathering is, yes. It's like so fucking easy compared to mothering, you know. But everyone, it depends. I know it's, it's easier. It's easier. Moms, like it's just.

Well, I feel like it's what we put on ourselves too, as moms. Like it's, it's this we put on ourselves too as moms. It's this weird thing that you can't let go of. I guess not every mom does it, but I do think sometimes the expectations that we put on ourselves too are these weird socialized, I don't know, it's just these feelings of wanting to do it better or that actually are make it harder. You know, I don't know. Yeah.

I wish I could take not take it on so much. It's I mean, you know, I'm going to be an ally here. I mean, the world it's like it's a completely rigged game against women, especially when it comes to working and having kids because there's nothing you can do that can't be criticized. You know, like, yeah, it's if you decide, you know, if you decide, you know, I'm gonna let my kids sleep in my bed. That's a big problem. If I'm gonna, you know, make my kids sleep alone, somebody's got an issue with that.

If I'm, you know, if I'm going to stop breastfeeding. If you're still kind of like a full human being, somehow that's scary. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, to say like, I need a life of my own and that's enriching for my child, is offensive to some people. Yes, yeah. You can't sort of please everybody with these tidbits of being, you know, of your parenthood style. Yeah. And then you just have to kind of not listen to it all, I guess. And, you know. But I do think it's much harder being a mom.

I mean, because there's the basic fact that the child grew inside you, you know? Like there's an attachment that just... No, it's hard to be away. That's the hardest thing I always grapple with between work and being home and frustrated that I'm not working is, you know, where's the happy in between? You know, it's like, it scares me when I get a job and I think, oh no, now I'm going to have to do that.

And I just, the feeling, and I actually think they're okay, generally speaking, even though you get those calls once in a while of, I miss you. You know, and that's just like a heartbreaker. But it's, I, it's our job and it's just such a, that, that part of it is such, so hard is being away and commuting for work. I mean, nobody's making movies in Sheffield, Massachusetts, you know? So I always have to go off and those days are 12 to 15 hour days. So it is what it is, but then I have these long stretches where I'm home. And so it's just the life that they know. And then I have a great husband and partner, thank goodness. So it doesn't, that part of it, I don't feel, I never feel worried that, you know, and that's

big. That's it. That's a huge thing. Yeah. Do you think it's coming from divorced parents that makes you more sensitive to the separation? Because do you feel like you were at a deficit when you were a kid? Because your folks divorced when you were 11, I see. Yeah. I always felt like within that, my mom was such a hardworking person and she was gone and we were what you call latchkey kids, I guess, at that time, you know, the cat's just trying to get out. So I'm going to let, go ahead.

Sure, sure. No, you might hear a person that works, I like to be able to show that to my children. You had that model. The work ethic, yeah. And I think that's important. And if anything, I'm like, I'm sorry I'm not showing you more. You just think I'm like around Making eggs all the time holding your laundry

Yes, go to New York and make eggs and do I'm like remember that time. I was just gone. I was just gone gone gone Well, you've kind of I mean you grew up on the East Coast and Well, you've kind of, I mean, you grew up on the East Coast and you kind of have stayed there. Like your career has been sort of based there. And I read something where you said that was because of having kids. That was a conscious decision because you were going to have kids. And I think your husband is an East Coaster too. That you were going to stay there and, and that, you know, that's, that is a, that

can hamper an acting career. I know. I wonder if it did or not, but I never felt like I was getting these great gigs out of LA when I would spend, when I would be there. Um, I always felt that all the- Did you try? Did you you make a go at it? I did. We had a place, we lived in Venice for a bit. And that's when I got pregnant with my son. And I had that, like, I woke up one morning, I was looking at the beautiful sky and the sun. And I was like, this is not where we're doing this. It was so clear. It was such a very clear instinctive thing.

And a lot of it did have to do with the fact that we were both East Coast people and our families were back here and you want, as you know, when that's happening, you want that support or not everybody does, but I did. I wanted to be close to my parents and my husband's family. And, and I, and I think also I never did feel, LA just was never my place. And the way it is for some people,

I didn't love hiking in dust. It takes a while. Yeah, it takes a while. It never was happening. It does, it takes a while. I was waiting and waiting and every, I love going there for work and staying at like the Four Seasons.

But the actual day toto-day of the driving culture and the sun, I always felt like I'm just getting spots and I need gloves, I need driving gloves. I don't know, it was like there was no tree, there was nowhere to hide. I always felt like I need a shady tree. A big Katharine Hepburn hat. there was nowhere to hide. I always felt like I need a shady tree. Not just from the sun. A big Katharine Hepburn hat.

Yes. Not just from the sun, but from something about the place. There was no nook and cranny I didn't feel for me. I don't know. I don't know if it has to do with home being home or something about that or something about seasons, it all made more sense to me. Did you find that because it's such an industry town, that there's an oppressive side to that? Yeah, I did. There's too much show business? It was too much show business that I never

felt I could find the there there. I never felt really a part of it. I felt that the values in and around it made me feel like almost embarrassed to be an actor. Do you know what I mean? And I know that's like me and my perception. I mean, you know, the micro humiliations in this business were much more glaring living in LA, whereas in New York, much more glaring living in LA. Whereas in New York, it's theater, it's you're an actor. And then there's not so much sort of attention on it.

It's not. And then I felt like I could still be in touch with the excitement of the industry, the career, the choice, everything about it. I felt like I could just maintain that. Whereas in LA, it, yeah, maybe the word is oppressed. I bet it was oppressive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I, I, I understand 100% because it is, I mean, I live here, but possibly to the detriment

of my work, I don't do much in the show biz. You know, I don't like it. It's like you said, the micro humiliations are, I mean, those just come with the territory. But to me also, the, like the hubris of the whole thing too gets to me, like the thing about like, that what we're doing is so deeply, deeply important and it's like, no, it's not.

Yeah. Wearing makeup and playing pretend. When you get the script and it's like downloaded and it's got your name and you can't even print it out. You can't even print it. I'm like, I had to write the lines from the thing because it's going to like, it's going gonna like shred into a million in the micro, whatever the universe is. And someone might hear these lines. It's like, are you kidding me?

And do what with them? Especially in Sheffield, Massachusetts, like don't worry. Yeah, yeah. It's like, it's going, I mean, it's that, yes, that part of it is funny. And then the other part is the business rewarding, the people that aren't, I don't know, I just always felt the discrepancy of like who has the nice car and all of that just too much

to. I was just too sensitive about it, I guess. I don't know at that time in my life, I'm sure. But to answer your question, I don't know if, you know, you never know if things would be different or not or if it's just about sticking it out and, you know, keep showing up and like you said, get on the lot. But every time I would do that, and I went out sometimes for pilot season and I would do those. So I didn't not do it. I just always felt that my best work was coming out of do it. I just always felt that my best work was coming out of being in New York and I'm working with like Mary Heron on Betty Page and all of those things came. And at that time in the 90s,

the scene of the independent film scene was so strong in New York and also all those casting, you know, you used to have casting directors on it like, you'd see, you'd be seen for the thing that was, you know, a studio movie because they had a casting director come to the city. And I always also felt like a little bit of distance was a good thing. A little bit of, you know, mystery was a good thing, but maybe not good enough. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, no. Well, and I mean, and you had, you've had a very interesting career too. Like you've done interesting work. And like what I would say about like, you know, in case you were wondering what I think about what you do.

I love to hear. You are like a leading lady character actress. You know what I mean? Like I think, you know, because you do leading roles and you certainly are beautiful enough to be, do and command the screen enough to do those leading roles, but there's so much more, like just you on Boardwalk Empire, like that's a character role.

Yeah. That's, you know, that's not, you know, isn't she glamorous? That's the opposite of, isn't she glamorous? And you've gotten to do things like that, which is, must be so much fun. It is so much fun. Or is it hard? Is it, is it like- No, I love that. That may be- I don't know if it, at the end of the day, you know, like you take the character home or if it's just an exercise that you can...

Oh, yeah. I can let it go. I'm pretty good at that. It was more just, no, when those things started happening, like those, the Gillian, Dharmati characters and just anything that wasn't sort of an ingenue. I think when I first started off, I was sort of looked at, I mean the roles were often like the girlfriend or you know and it was I think this happens with a lot of like young pretty actresses you know. Blondes. Yeah the whole thing and I mean I was happy to sort of fall into that place but I was

I don't know I just it took a while didn't, I just, it took a while. It was like a, it was, it took a while because it didn't feel comfortable. I never felt comfortable in those roles somehow or that I didn't, it was like, and that's the difference between that kind of, I always think like a movie star, you're really, they really, you're really seeing them.

Whereas I was so much more comfortable in the character part that I could show you myself, but with this other thing in front of it. You know, another person in front of it whose wants and needs are different than mine. That can allow me to access those parts of myself and it just is so much more interesting and felt like acting. Right exactly rather than just coming in and being a person who's like just eating dinner yeah charming and eating dinner and like a little disappointed that you haven't been home very much. Right, right, right. That's no fun.

You want to be crazy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Crazy and bad and all of it. Yeah. No, there's so many. It's hard to find fun, interesting roles. That's just the truth of the business.

And then you might find them and then they, you know, for the movie to work and there's so many elements that go into all of it. Yeah. And you never, I mean, I don't know how you feel, but like, I, you know, I the movie to work and there's so many elements that go into all of it. Yeah. And you never, I mean, I don't know how you feel, but like I, I get a script when I do get a script these days, but so often I'll get something and I just think like, this is dumb. And then it turns out being great or this is fantastic. And then it turns out being dumb.

Yes. Yeah. And it's there's just it really is you know like saying get on this ship and we'll all look at you on the ship and it's like yeah but I'm not steering the boat and I'm right you know I'm not running the engines you know I just sort of hear on it right Right. You know? Yeah. Because there's so many other things to go wrong. There is. There is. And it's so hard to get into the, really it's about working with great people.

And even then, they still might not, they might miss on that film. But yeah, it's aligning yourself with that. And that's the challenge in our business is finding, for me now, it's finding the gems, you know, reading things and finding something special that will cast me and not the other, you know, not the other ladies, you know, the other peers that are working and working. And like so that I can, and then hoping that that works. So often it's it is about working with new first-time directors and writers and yeah. Can't you tell my love's a-growing?

Is there, you just touched on something that I've been curious about with different performers. Is there a pool of women that you're kind of constantly seeing yourself sort of, you know, like it's, you know, there's a role and then there's just a group of you that are potentially going to do that? I mean, I think it has changed over time too. I think so much of success in this business too is just staying in the game. And it's almost like, I've said it,

I use this like weeble wobble thing. It's like, you just have to go down and come back up and you're still there and you're still there. And then you didn't really screw up your face too much. And so you become, you're like the last man standing. You know, there's a part of, it's more just that I think, yeah, I came up with, it's just the peers that you see working and it is, yeah, there's a few but I don't feel like it's consistent.

It's always kind of surprising. Is there a competitiveness to it that you experience and that you like or dislike? I mean, if it exists, is it helpful or is it unhelpful? I would say I don't really feel it because of my remove from, maybe my remove from the business in general and maybe at this stage in my life. really feel it because of my remove from maybe my remove from the business. Um, in general at, and maybe at this stage of my life, I don't really feel it. Um, I feel competitive as a, I'm a competitive person, you know, whether I'm playing monopoly or squash or so I like, I have that.

So when I, I get engaged in, um, putting, making an audition or something, I, I do want it, but I also realize you have to just let it go. How little control we have over these things. There are certain people like that, when you asked about peers, like a Julianne Nicholson that I've known forever, and we were in a movie. When I see her having success and working, it makes me so happy.

And I'm like, I root for those people that are just great actors, only getting better and better. And then you see them getting really great roles. And that's exciting and like hopeful for me, you know? That to me is what I love about our business. So I don't really, I've never really felt that way, like in that thing. In that chatty bitchy way?

Yeah, no, I don't really have that. That everyone wants every actress to be, you know? Well, I can't, no, I know. No, I think the thing that I miss actually is that I don't know any, I don't know a lot of actors. I mean, because you're always like the one female on the movie or there just aren't, at least in my experience, it's been more and more lately, like even on Millers in Marriage, there's Juliana Margulies and Minnie Driver and who I've known these women for a long time

and had interactions over the years. And so that was like so fun and easy and lovely. And I think that's kind of has to do with just being, sticking again, like I said, sticking around in this business and then all that kind of stuff that maybe felt a little bit when you were 25. Yeah. And the stakes felt higher.

And now it's just about, you know, how am I going to live my life with my family, get some vacations in, you know, and keep things moving, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I believe it's called a grown-ups perspective on things. Yes. It's a health, it's a, it's called a healthy relationship with yourself. Hoping. But it's so helpful.

It's not always there. But you're right. It is sticking around. And the other one that I, that I, I think people don't always mention is being good to work with, like being nice to work with. Yes. People asshole themselves out of work all the time. That is so true.

You know? Yes. It's long days, you better be nice. It's so true. You better be easy, because if you're hard, they'll just be like, why ask for that? Not again, they will put you on the bus as I. Absolutely.

I've been on those shows too, where you just see the writers, oh, we can just put them on a bus and they'll never come back And that's it friend of mine a friend of mine was honest I won't say which one but a friend of mine was on a series and there was just an actor that was getting killed off and The creator told the actor that was killing him who he was a stabbing He said I want you to make it sure that everyone knows that fucker is dead. So like it was like, it was like a harry carry or here to kill you or whatever. Like really like just through some sort of like knife action,

just because the guy's like, get him out of here. I can't take that guy anymore. Yes. Like our imitating life too. Yes. Yeah. I read somewhere where you, and this is such, it's such an interesting dichotomy, and it's, but it's so common that you say that you were a shy child. And do you consider yourself a shy person still? I think so.

Like, I prefer, I really like to not talk a lot. Isn't it weird though that you do what you do for a living? I know. Well, no, but I mean, but isn't it, cause I mean, I consider myself kind of shy, but I'm an asshole for a living, you know, like I- Yeah. And so I just-

Do you go out and like hold court at a table with stories and do you regale people with interesting stories from sets and things like, I feel like there's two different kinds of actors. In the context of the right group. Right. I don't want to like if I go like, you know, like I'm, you know, fairly newly married. So the integration of my wife's friends and me, like going to a party of all her friends,

it's not the greatest and they're lovely people. But I just, you know, like she, she rolls her eyes because like 45 minutes in, I go like, so that's enough, right? We can go home, right? Can I leave that? Yeah. Can we? We did it right. And also because it's not hard, you know, she's 48, you know, it's not hard to convince a 48 year old mother like, right. Go home. Yeah. Yes. Yes. But it's I do feel this kind of like, and there's all kinds of different issues going on of just like, I've just like, oh, I feel in pulled 100 ways. It all goes back to, you know, childhood shit. And, uh, but I do definitely feel, but I, I still, there was something at a certain point where I was like, no, I want to get on stage and have everyone be quiet and listen to what I have to say.

Right. You know, right. So what is that? It is interesting to sort of figure out what, I don't know what that was either, because I think it was, again, you're not, you're being asked to, it's sort of like, it's like I'm doing this reading at my local Sharon, the Sharon Playhouse with Campbell Scott this week,

and we're reading love letters, actually in two weeks. And I always kind of feel, I know, why am I doing? And then it's like, but I really am looking forward to it. But they asked if we do it. And it's like my shy side is like, I'd rather not do anything in sort of in the community that I live in. And I don't want to force people to always be, there's Gretchen doing something again. You know what I mean? Like, oh, we gotta go.

Yeah, you don't want to, yeah, you don't, you just want to be a person living their life in your town. Right, and that seems like a wiser choice than to suddenly, than to be like, and now we're having a screening and now we're having the, you know. But, but to say I, I do,

I enjoy like getting up and doing it. I do. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. It's not like somebody's forcing me to do it. And I don't know what the difference, I feel like I'm much more comfortable doing that than being at a dinner party and saying my opinion about something in a forceful way. I can feel myself sometimes start to talk and I can feel the blood rushing up to my face. So it's like, is it that I need somebody else's words to express myself that I don't trust

my own? I don't know. It's something that I've gone to a hypnotist about it and all kinds of things. Cause I even- Oh really? Because it could be, it feels crippling sometimes, you know, when I mean, I don't feel uncomfortable now, but like, you know, a Q and A is just kind of my worst nightmare

because I just feel the on the spotness of it or something. Or like, I don't know. I don't know if it's that I don't think I have anything important. I don't know what, what, you know, stuff we tell ourselves, stuff that the version of yourself that you, the worst little version of you that you tell yourself about yourself. Yeah. Yeah. To doubt yourself is, is not good, but to be resistant to the notion of getting up in front of a group of people and just talking off the top of your head, to be nervous and avoidant of that is normal. I think. That's like the way, you know what I mean?

That's the way most people are. And so I think it's just like, because we get into an area where it's like, no, we can do it. Performative. like no we can do it. Yeah, we can do it. We can get in front of a group full of people and do this one thing, but then say that the script is done and now we're just going to stand up there and talk to the people. And it's a whole different ballgame even though it's the same group of people. And I think when I thought about it, I think some of it is it's a question of people. Right. And I think, I think when I've thought about it, I think

some of it is it's a question of control. It's like, you're controlling when you're going to be put on the spot and your control and like you're controlling it where like, you've got words, you know, like, you know, you've got the stuff. I thought about that moment and how I want to deliver it and everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's been rehearsed. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I trust myself in that zone with somebody else's words.

And yeah, it's a it's it's a you know, I think it too, as you age, you know, I'm it's like, I want to let go of this shit, the fear and things like that. You know, I don it's like I want to let go of this shit the fear and things like that, you know I don't want to have that so I think it's worth worth working through and Acknowledgement is part of it. It's just saying I I am I can be a shy person and then when I'm around certain people, you know, like this those people you're talking about where You're on fire and you're like funny and you're just, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, life at the party and like I have that little, there's that person there too sometimes, but it has to be like the right combination of people and all of it. So yeah. Is, is film acting easier because there's not a live audience or are they, you know, what's, what's the difference for you between like, do you, cause some people really need an audience. Yeah. Some people don't, you know. I don't need, I love, I, well, I think when I think about it now, once you're over the

opening night or whatever with a play, I always feel like I don't have the nerves anymore, which is wonderful unless I kind of know, oh, there's this person in the audience or that sometimes somebody coming could stir me up, but I don't really feel that so much. I think though the defining moment for me where I was really about being a young person and having to audition and the worst thing to me about theater was having to go in a room

in one of those big Broadway rooms and there would be seven people behind a long table, especially for singing, and there'd be a company-nest, and it was like, and go. And all I you know, and this is so common, but it was just the judgment. And once it got to be about film, you go into a small room, the person is there off to the side, but they're a little bit, you know, you're talking to them, it's direct, it's intimate. And that just was so much more comfortable for me. And that really was like the deciding factor. But also I just also loved film movies more than musicals at that stage. Even though I sort of found myself studying musical theater

because that was kind of what was on offer where I grew up. Oh really? Oh, I see, I see. Yeah. But then once you got to college on offer where I grew up. Oh, I see. I see. Yeah. So. But then once you got to college and started studying, were you still doing musical theater

kind of stuff? I did musical theater at a school called AMDA. And then I realized that I, again, it was sort of like, it's not who I am. I love it. I love musicals and I love watching people sing and I love dancing. I love all the components, but I didn't feel like it was of me or I was of it so much. And then my brother was at NYU studying film and then I got a job at Angelica Film Center and that kind of opened up the world. And I always was what he was always watching lots of movies when I was,

when we were teenagers. So that exposure kind of brought me back over to more, being more interested in film acting and what movies can do. You know, what a great film can do, the power of that. Yeah, no, I'm with you. And I went to film school and I prefer it. And I, to be honest, like, there's times, like you said something about, about, you know, acting being embarrassing out here, like, there's times when I've been at big, important

plays, and there's somebody on stage, and I've got good seats, and they are having a breakdown and I'm 20 feet from them and I just feel uncomfortable because I'm in the same room with the person mimicking this thing and I know and I also like I'm also like I know it's a trick you know what I mean it's like right right it's like I know that they're doing this thing that they do and it's just something, it's my madness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it just, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like, you know, like if you're in the doctor's office and somebody has a meltdown, you're like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like just put up a couple other layers in front of it. Yes, yes. Like can't you shoot this in another room and project it in here so I don't have to be in the same room with the person sobbing and you know. With some good lighting. Yeah. Jesus. No, I know. And I like, I also like film acting better and I'm sure, you know, somebody, but it,

to me it's smaller and I think smaller, I just like smaller, better than bigger. I know there's people, theater actors would be like, that's not true. But that's my take on it. Yeah. I can't say one, I love one or the other either. I've had loved doing plays, but I guess I love being a part of somebody's vision in this.

And I think it comes from appreciating the visual arts, you know, and that's, that's so much of what filmmaking is too. Like when I like David Lynch, what the hell? Like as an actor, you're just really in his hands, you know? And it's, once you find those mind, I love how everything could be so different. And it's like, you'd hear about how he would direct somebody and he would say, you know, pretend there's like a bird flying over their head.

And well, that brings their, you know, it's like, he just wants a look in the eye, and a liveness or an otherworldliness or something, whatever he wants. And I just, you know, I think I just love that piece of it when people bring somebody else, it's somebody else's thing, bringing you alive, you know? Right, right. And doing something that ends up working in a very particular way that it

wasn't, you know, like that's a magic trick. It's magic. Like to say, imagine there's a bird and the person looks up and you think, oh, they're, you know, they're enjoying some kind of rapture. It's like, wow, they're looking at an imaginary bird, but on camera, it looks like rapture. Yes, yeah, yeah. It's a trick. No, I love that stuff. I love when you when you started out this one part of this.

And I unfortunately, I've never seen either on this, but you worked for Able Ferrara for two different movies. And he's sort of notoriously crazy. What? Yeah. What was that like? Because it was you were I mean, you were just this is like your second or third movie, correct? Yeah, I will. The first I the first movie I did was a Spike Lee movie and it was sort of, you know, Girl 6. It was about phone sex.

It was I was barely in the movie, but on set for about three weeks. So I got a lot out of just being around it. Yeah. But yeah, then Abel Ferrara, yeah, it was like this New York, it was the opposite of everything that I had known or been exposed to. I had never, you know, it was just frankly, you know, drugs and I mean, it was just, it was unpredictable.

He assembled all these amazing actors, Christopher Walken and Annabella Sciorra and Isabella Rossellini. And so I was just so excited to be in that group. And he, I don't know why he cast me, be in that group. I don't know why he cast me, but I do know that I was just around at that time. I was working in restaurants on Union Square and he had this loft on 16th Street,

and it was like, come on the loft. He'd be strumming the guitar and singing Bob Dylan Dylan songs and I could sing duets with him. I mean, it was just like a very creative but like messy environment. I was so drawn to it because it was everything that I didn't know, or it was just all so exciting. He was just always creating. Then also my brother started, showed him how to use the Avid editing machine.

He had access to it and so my brother started editing his films so that kind of kept the relationship and then he would always kind of throw me in to things. But I remember there was a film, there was a moment when he offered a lead role to me and I didn't end up doing it because I wasn't nervous about like the nudity and the kind of, again, his chaotic way of working and the fact that I would have to kind of go all in in that way. And I think I just wasn't prepared to do that. I might be more prepared to do that now,

but I didn't have a sense enough of the script as a thing. So that speaks to something about me too. To a point. I was in it to a point. Then I was like, I'm happy to be someone's muse to a point. Then I have a mercenary quality of like, how am I going to come out the other side of this? Yeah, because there's definitely particular kinds of scenes that you don't want their things to be out of control. Right.

There's certain kinds of scenes and certain kinds of storylines. It's like, no, we need to know what we're doing and we need to be professional and I can't be, you know, like, yeah, I can't be sitting around waiting for you to figure out what the next step is. Right. Right. And you don't want to feel, I don't think that he, I'm not speaking about him doing this, but you don't want to feel exploited and things have to be careful, be you have to be thought through. But then there's some actors that can just go in

and like own everything they do. And I realized that that wasn't the way I worked, at least at that stage. I just think you have to have so much trust in the story, in the script, and then in the director to be able to be brave. Yeah, and sometimes, I mean, I haven't hit, but there's different things where I think,

oh yeah, I can do that, and then I'm not as brave as I thought I was. Like once I'm in doing it, I'm like, oh, this is, I actually don't like this, you know? Right, right. You know, I don't like doing this, and I thought that I'd be able to handle this, and huh, I don't like doing this and I thought that I'd be able to handle this and I don't like it.

Now I know that about myself. Yeah, exactly. Well, let's talk about the Millers in Marriage, which is what you're promoting now. Minnie Driver, Marina Vacherin, Julianna Margulies, Patrick Wilson and Ed Burns. It's an Ed Burns movie. I should say Edward. Edward Burns because he's Edward now. Have you ever done any of his movies? Never. No. I've never worked with him. Is he somebody, because he's a New York person who's done indie movies. Have you known him

for a while? I hadn't known him. I mean, I'd known of him. I'd heard always such great, lovely things about him. I remember now it's like 30 years since the Brothers McMullen, apparently. So I remember that time. That was the time I was coming up and no, I don't know why he thought of me, but I got the script and it was very much like, see which role you respond to. And I really responded

to the role of Eve. There were a lot of, like all the characters are really fun and well drawn and interesting. And, but that was the one that I really loved. And then we had a conversation on the phone and it was like, he's so open, he's so warm, he's so interested, he clearly loves actors and he was so interested in your take on it and then went back and rejiggered some things. The whole time we went along, you always feel him, he talks a lot. He's a real, like loves to talk, but then at the same time, you say one or two things and he's really listening to that and all of a sudden it's like spun into the scene. Oh good.

So I just, yeah, I loved working with him. It was fantastic. What's the movie? Tell me a little bit about the movie. So it's called Millers in Marriage and it's about three siblings and it's Ed Burns, Juliana Margulies and myself and our relationships were all married and the relationships kind of falling apart. And in my character, Eve had a one-hit wonder and she married her band manager. He's sort of an alcoholic now and she's on the other side of raising children in her 50s. And it sort of seems like, are the dreams over or are there second acts? What's the second act? And so she has, it's that kind of an art for her, but you see all of the characters going through and asking these questions and a lot of their

relationships are sort of faltering and frayed. Real grown up stuff. Grown up stuff. No superheroes. What the heck? No superheroes. A lot of people talking and arguing and figuring. It's figuring it out. And grown up stuff when you're like maybe not, you have to sort of re-evaluate how you, you know, are growing. Are you growing? Yes. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Exactly. And then so now I do feel like people get to this stage and it's really about that empty nest where you kind of go, oh my gosh, wait, oh yeah, me.

Yikes. I haven't put any real thought into that for a while. Yeah. So it's that moment. I definitely had a moment when my son went off to college. And I mean, he's back now, but he started college in New York City. And I definitely did have this feeling of like,

intellectually I knew, oh yeah, no, parenting is your sort of, or ideally I think, you should be working towards your own obsolescence, you know, you're you're you're Devoting yourself to them not meeting you any right, right? But I did have this moon like oh you are just gonna leave aren't you you you really are just gonna go out I thought you'd never go and have a grown-up life and that's yeah, I'm just gonna be sitting here aren't I? Well, that's how nice you know, yeah, so So, yeah, it's it is it is something. It's again, intellectually, you know, it's there.

But when it hits you, it is it is kind of heavy because you devote so much, you know, both wonderful and awful energy to raising a kid that it's you know, it does leave you live like, oh shit, what now? It's a whole, right? I mean, it's sort of the most, I feel like you're the most of use in your life. And that's what we want in life is to be useful and to have, you know, meaning. And as soon as that and you can have that on the like daily in daily activities, you're getting feedback all of the time from that relationship. And then when it goes, it is, I could imagine,

I mean, I'm seeing it in the, you know, it's kind of coming up on me a little bit. It's coming up, yeah. It's cresting the hill in front of you, yeah. Yeah, and there's all kinds of things you need to kind of be ready to answer, I think, for yourself. Yeah. And in your relationship, you know, if you're still.

Yeah, definitely. Yeah, because you never have that much space. You just don't have that much space. Even now with teenagers, it's like, what are we all doing? You know, snow day today. We had a snow day. Oh, wow, that's fun. Man, they don't have those.

Well, we have wildfire days. You had fire day. Oh my gosh. Yeah, no, that's fun. Man, they don't have those. Well, we have wildfire days. You have fire day. Oh my gosh. Yeah, no, that's horrible. So scary. Well, you've got, the movie is, it's in theaters? So it's coming out February 21st and then I believe it will stream

and it's Paramount Plus, I wanna say. Okay. I should know. Yeah. That's all right. Yeah. Folks, just- But it'll be streaming. What I do, I just put in Millers in Marriage streaming and then the machine will tell you where it goes. It will tell you.

Yes. That's what I do all the time. But or go see it in a theater because I honestly, I've been trying to go to movies more. And there's nothing like sitting in a theater with- It really is great. Even if it's just a few other people that are strangers. Yeah. It's great. No, I've done the same.

This year, I have seen more movies than I have in probably the previous maybe 10 years. I just got out of the habit. And it really is. It's a little vacation from your life. It is. It is. and it makes more of a difference when you actually make that effort to go to the place sit there with your popcorn and

it really does. Get transported to somewhere else. Yes I've been loving it we do it every Wednesday night. You mentioned the clothing line Gretchen M. So you know look out for that. Thank you. Yeah. Is that available places? It's available I'm doing it on you know, look out for that. Thank you. Yeah. Is that available places? It's available. I'm doing it on, you know, through Instagram on Shopify. So the website is GretchenM.com. Check that out.

Well, what else do you have in the future? What else are you looking forward to? I did a film in Portland this past fall called Horse Girls, which is the first time writer director named Lauren Meiering. And it will probably do the festival roots, but it's a mother-daughter story, and it's about a young woman who's neurodivergent. She's in her early 20s, and her mother is really trying to get her to live independently. And it's their relationship, and you know, it's very kind of a heart-wrenching little movie,

but it's beautiful and I hope that it gets the, you know, finds its audience. Good. Horse girl or horse girls? Horse girls. Horse girls. Yes. I had crushes on a number of horse girls. Did you?

Yes. Yeah, there were horsey girls and there's a particular, it's a particular sort of person. Right. A horsey girl. Yeah. Right. Well, this girl loves horses, but it's actually about hobby horsing. Like she gets into hobby.

Oh my gosh. I have. I've seen the videos. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. So because she's, she, it's hard for her to, you know, she's done horse riding lessons and she can't really manage the horse, but

she's, so this becomes a real opportunity for her to ride. To do stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. That's great. Sweet. Well, what's, you know, this, we always end this up with, what's the most important lesson you've learned? Is there sort of a credo you live by or some advice that you can give from your years of, well, being alive, not necessarily just show business, you know, being alive counts too. I know. I always feel, I mean, there've been so many little things like that along the way. And yet, like, I don't want to just be like, you know, keep dreaming. I don't know. It's not,

but I really, I do think though, it's about searching and being curious and staying open to yourself. Like you're, it's like we're on this journey. It's kind of short, you know? It's short sometimes. Oh, very short. Yeah, like sometimes it feels long, but it's pretty short. And I don't know what it's all about.

Like we don't really know or what's on the other side of it or anything. But I do feel like while we're here, as much as I'd love to like, kind of, I kind of don't always want to be like in the world. Do you know what I mean? Like worldly things, sometimes it all just is it's like too much. But I do think you need to find those things that you love that are like the creative part of yourself, you know, and just foster that foster those things that you love that are like the creative part of yourself, you

know, and just foster that, foster those things as much as you can for a, for a meaningful life. Yeah. Well, Gretchen, thank you so much for spending the time. And Millers in Marriage is out February 21st, you said? Yes. Yes. February 21st.

So check it out. I'm going to. And I loved loved your work for a long time. Thank you. And it's a thrill to get to talk to you. You too. Good luck with everything out there. And I hope you too. I hope you get more snow days.

Take care. Or I don't know, maybe you don't want the snow days. I want some sun now. Yeah. All right. Yes. Thank you. That was fun.

Thank you. And thank all of you out there for listening. I you. That was fun. Thank you. I thank all of you out there for listening. I'll be back next week. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Nick Leow, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross.

Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, with assistance from Maddy Ogden. Research by Alyssa Grahl. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter, wherever you get your podcasts. And do you have a favorite question you always like to ask people?

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