The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Guy Branum: Small Town Tales (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: June 19, 2026

Actor and comedian Guy Branum joins Andy Richter to talk your SMALL TOWN TALES! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan up. Conan Rector here, Andy Richter-C-Rawin's show, Sirius X-M Studios in Hollywood. And this place is crawling with fancy people because there's a big Toy Story 5 event down in the Sirius XM garage. So we already saw Tim Allen wandering around aimlessly. I talked to Conan O'Brien.

Tom Hanks has got to be here. I smell this place. Smells Hanksian. So it's very exciting. Normally this place is like a sleepy, well, a sleepy small town. And that's our topic today, small town tales. And I am very lucky to have with me a former small town denizen. Yep.

A representative from the California Small Town Coalition, Guy Branham, the very, very funny Guy Branum. Good to be here. Thanks thanks for having me. I'm so happy that you're here. I don't get to see you enough. Let me tell them who you are. I mean, I'm sure that most of them know, but, you know, just in case. Guy's a comedian, writer, an actor, he's written for hacks, the Mindy Project, the Hacks.

That wouldn't, what a job. Every time I watch that show, I was just envious. Like, at this point in time, in television, it's very rare to get to work for something that you get to be really, really proud of. Yes. That gets to go out on its own terms. Yes. And, you know, runs five seasons, and it was really fun. Oh, my God.

It just every time, I mean, I loved the show. Yeah. But I would also, I would have to curb my end. envy. Oh my God, I wish I'd been on this show. Mindy Project History of the World Part 2. You've seen him on Platonic, Chelsea lately, and more. He's bringing his Guy Branham Be Fruitful show to the Galesian Theater in Los Angeles this month. He can also be seen in the new comedy film. Stop That Train. So, small town. You're from Northern California. We're central California. Northern California. Northern California. I am from Yuba City, California. What does Yuba mean? Oh, it's a slang term that the Native Americans used that was a greeting between the different tribes. So, like, there's some speculation that it comes from the Spanish word, uvas for grapes. But, like, the best speculation is it was just like, yo, yo, between the various Native American tribes. Oh, that's great.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And describe Yuba City for us. So Yuba City is a small agricultural town about an hour north of Sacramento. So everyone's dad either works construction or work. works in some capacity in agriculture. And some of those guys are farmers and some of those guys are farm libers, but there's not a whole lot of class distinction between those things.

And all of the white people are very, very Christian. And all of the, it's about one third white, about one third Mexican, and about one-thirty Punjabi Sikhs. Oh, wow. So everybody is very religious, but drinks a lot. And, you know, big trucks. Yeah. There's a lot of chainsaw theft that goes on.

there's a lot of recreational drug use. Yeah. There is a lot of livestock maintenance. Oh, and there's definitely a lot of, like, eating things that you killed on the way home. Oh, really? Yes. It's like a roadkill culture. Well, no, just sort of like, you know, you see some ducks off the street.

And you've got your shotgun. Not as well. At my high school, it's, you know, we're separated from it by, like, 20 years now. But, like, it was not unusual for guys at high school to show up with their shotguns. because they had been dove hunting in the morning or something like that. My school was the same way. I had friends, too, that would trap in the mornings on whatever that season was, and they would catch Nutria, which, you know what, Nutri are?

It's a rodent, right? It's a big rodent, but it is used for fur, like it does have, or raccoons or beavers. And they would set traps for them, and they would have to have, like, a 22 to dispatch of them. And could they sell the? They sold the pelts. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, yeah. They would skin them and then sell them. There was some place, like at some sort of like farm and fleet where they also bought helps. Yeah. And they would come to school with rifles in their, in their gun racks in the back of their pickup truck. And sometimes, you know, a couple of beavers. Right. Just like they're, they'll be fine. They're in the back. So at my high school, everyone would make money by picking walnuts. And so everyone would show up to the first week of football practice with knees and hands that were black from. walnuts.

Oh, that is, walnuts are nasty. Yeah. They're stinky and that's amazing. Is it mostly like, it's a food agriculture. It's not like corn and soybean or anything like that.

Like, it's mostly tree agriculture. So it's almonds, nuts, peaches, and prunes. Wow. We have the prune capital of the free world. Wow.

Yes. That's really something to crow about. It really is. Now, how do the Punjabi Sikhs fit into it? Why do they end up there? And then what do they do? How do they fit into the sort of socioeconomic picture? So like about 100 years ago, there were railroad workers who figured out that our little area was like agriculturally exactly the same, a little bit cooler than where they were from in Punjab.

And so they started a community and it's been existing there forever. I mean, many people are like fifth and sixth generation now. and like they have essentially the same jobs as everybody else, like less construction and more trucking. And then one of the things that I've never been able to figure out is like white people farm nuts and Punjabi's farm fruits. And like it's not universally true, but generally you just understand like they're prunes and peaches and we're almonds and walnuts.

And you know, you're just like they're alongside each other. And you know, they were sort of like communities that, kept to themselves in their way in certain ways. And then after 9-11, because there was a lot of freak out in America about anyone who was wearing a turban, the Punjabi community where I'm from really had to like open up and sort of say like, hey guys, come to Vaisaki. Here are some samosas. Let us explain why you should not randomly kill us. Why we're not the ones. Yes.

And that turbines is a, you're terribly misinformed if you're part of this whole thing. Yes, and, you know, freaking out at anybody because their religion is not okay, but it was like a real moment of, like, fear for where I was from. Because everybody's just good old boys, you know? And it is just sort of, you were used to relying on that, and nobody, like, nobody with a dip in should have to do PR. Yeah, yeah. Do you get the wonderful, like, phenomenon of Punjabi's,

practicing Sikhs who talk like they are, you know, on a Garth Brooks album, you know. I mean, not so much because, like, everybody, like, you know, it's still California. So what's more interesting is you would sometimes have, like, a four-year-old in California who would say, like, yonder or that kind of thing because, like, they were spending too much time with grammar or something like that. You know, like, it is definitely, like, Garth Brooks' musical taste. It's definitely, like, you know, raised Ford F-150s. I mean, they, like, again, it's one of those things of, like, white people tended to be more Ford. They tended to be more Chevy, you know? Wow, that's funny.

Yeah. But, I mean, was it sort of like a turban and then everything else was cowboy boots and jeans and pearl button shirts? A hundred percent. Wow. Like, 100%. I love that. Yeah. And it was just, like, it was something we took for granted and, like, knew and, like, new.

And, yeah, it was, and like, so frequently the dudes would end up, you know, like dating members of other communities along the way before they ended up getting married usually to somebody through an arranged marriage. Yeah. But it was just, you know, it's our way and it's this weird little pocket. And throughout the Central Valley, like down in Bakersfield, down in Fresno, you have similar communities of Punjabi Sikhs. Yeah. Yeah. And how is it for you growing up? Because you're very smart and good.

gay and tall, you know. Well, I mean, one of the things was just that where I'm from, there isn't a strong sense that you need to know things other than, like, how to repair your truck or that kind of thing. And one of the things I didn't really understand was the way that, like, class was being reinstantiated for us all of the time. Yeah. You know, it was just an expectation that you graduated from high school, you marry, you get pregnant first, then get married.

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, you, best case scenario, you work for your dad or you work for the county. And so, like, being interested in a broader world. And one of the also weird things is like, I think in Midwestern states, you still have a responsibility to run your state. You still have a responsibility to take care of things. I don't know what it's like in Illinois because you guys have Chicago there. But, like, San Francisco being so close meant, and like Lady Bird, I think captures this really well. No one's trying or hoping.

Because if you tried or hoped, you would just go to San Francisco. Yeah. So, like, everyone there is, like, keeping their eyes down. And also, like, the idea of going to Sacramento or San Francisco comes with economic destruction. If you accidentally paid for the things that you would be expected to pay for in San Francisco, you know, you would be destroyed. And so I think there's a lot of fear and anxiety about what that could bring or what too much hoping could bring. Yeah. And so I had teachers who were really, like, upset and weirded out that I wanted to know things that I wasn't supposed to know.

And then I had teachers who were really excited about it and thought it was. was cool. Yeah, yeah. And then like the gayness, like, again, it's a weird balance of like a very conservative place that imagines it doesn't have space for it. But then, you know, my music teacher lived with her friend. Yes. Yeah. Back behind, the orchard behind ours was owned by a pair of Bay Area physicians who had decided that they were going to like farm some nice... Return to the land. Return to the land. And they had too many dogs and my parents just called them by, the common slur, and then the guys who owned the flower shop that my mom worked for were a pair of gay men. And like when I was very young, my dad was repainting their house. And they were

scared that I would embarrass them in front of these guys. So they explained to me in this way that was like, I'm very lucky for it. But when I was like five, I was like, these two men are married like a man and a woman would be married. And so you don't say anything. And this is before my parents really understood to be scared that I was too effeminate. That came very, very. quickly after that. But, you know, just to sort of like have these people in your world, but also it always comes along with a slur and a lot of

judgments and stuff like that. Yeah. I was lucky in that my family, there was no sort of like slurs like that. And also because my dad's gay. Yeah. My mother had an ax to grind with my father, but not because I mean, and it would sometimes

you know, slop over a little bit. But it was always personal. But there was never any kind of like homophobic stuff outside of the stuff that I would hear just in the ether because it's a small town. Yeah. And just the way that, the way that, you know, that's so gay, you know, that kind of thing. Which I love that my son, who's gay. Yeah.

When he was in junior high, some boys were at a table saying that to him and he fucking held their feet to the fire. He's like, what do you mean by that? Yeah. And they all, you know, they at least sort of like fomford, you know, where's, kids in my school, if I'd held their feet, they'd been like, like gay. Yes. Like, you know, like gay, you know. And, but we never had that.

And we, but we did have, like there was gym teacher, you know, like the gym teacher was pretty, you know, my, my family would just talk about, yeah, she's, you know, probably. And then there was a, there were two guys, two old hippie guys that lived on a farm and, and, uh, dipped. Furniture. Do you know what I mean? Like they take old wood furniture and they had some sort of vat of chemical and my mother was always into Refinishing things and we would go see them and it was you know and it was very sort of and everybody knew like there's a gay couple there, but it wasn't you know Our vet was the first woman to graduate from the UC Davis School of Veterinary Studies. Yeah. Loretta had the thickest braid you can imagine just the the thickest braid and the leatheriest skin. And Loretta always had a friend. That friend was about 10 years younger and was learning the trade from her.

And like Loretta was a large animal vet who would come to your house and look at the animals. And like truly when it was a situation that Loretta couldn't fix, like her answer was, tell Larry to get the shotgun. Like it was just, you know, I mean, it was just that kind of thing. It's very brutal. Yes. But also like Loretta was. was like, and the thing is there was such respect for her. Like the notion, like, no one would have ever called her a slur because you knew that you had this, like, amazingly talented large animal vet who was, like, bothering to deal with our German shepherds.

Yeah, yeah. And it is interesting that you had those people and got to see them on their own terms. Yeah. And, like, in these worlds that, like, we don't always imagine that they're space for them, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's also, too, I think when I was a kid. kid, like nobody talked about there being gay people. And then you get older and you realize, like, everyone's known that there's gay people

forever. Yeah. Like, and it just seems like just in the last, I don't know, 40 years, we've said like, you know what, there's gay people, you know, in a way that that's just sort of like a matter of fact kind of way. Well, there's a lot of like presumptions of having to live in shame. Yeah. Like, I mean, the other thing was, so my, my sixth grade teacher was.

was like a guy, a gay guy who had gone to Stanford and because he had kidney trouble and he had to move back in with his mom. It's also one of those things like in the 80s when people, when gay men are having chronic health problems, I don't know how much like an HIV situation was being hidden from me or being hidden from the community. But it was just sort of like he was just like small town bachelor in that way where like no one asked questions. And with it did come some element of like shame and knowing your place and being. perceived as a little bit pathetic and all of that. But also, he was so cool. Oh, really? Like, he was just like, I mean...

He was the music teacher. No, he was... He taught sixth grade. Okay. My music teacher was a woman and she was gay. Okay. But he just, like, you know, like sci-fi and fantasy tastes, and he just, like, you know, had, like, seen the world, by which I mean, like, San Jose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, he was just, like, such... And it really took me a long time to be able to put together. Like, what was going on there, you know? Yeah. Will, my son had a fifth grade teacher who was the same gay guy, but I mean, openly gay, but just so cool, like long ponytail. And his husband designed a hybridized roses and did roses for Barbara Streisand. Oh, wow.

And had to redo her roses something like three or four. times because she wanted to look out at the ocean and she wanted the roses to match the furniture. And he, and you know, you can't just like cook up a rose in a pot. Yeah. Like it takes generous, like, it takes a while, you know. And so he would hybridize these roses and get them and then they would bloom and she'd be like, nah, it's a little too pink and had to rip them all out. She is a director.

She's always been a director. Absolutely. Like there is, there is a great story in her memoir. where she just gets into this fight with Arthur Lawrence when she's 17 and he's the grown-up director of the musical she's in it's like he doesn't realize she's a fucking director. Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know.

That's always what you. No, you can. You can, absolutely. You can't. Even though fucking toy stories here, we can say what we fucking want. And let's go to the phones. 855-266-2-604 is the number if you want to talk to us

about your small town tales. Or if you have a wild card story. which is, you know, an off-topic one. We'll take those two. We'll take virtually anything. If you have, like, a lunch order, we'll take it. You won't get lunch out of it, but we'll take it. Andy from Philadelphia, you are on with Andy Richter and Guy Branham.

What's up, man? Hey, guys, I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I really don't understand in 2026 why being gay has to eat. I know we have to talk about it, but I don't understand why. it should be a thing. Who cares who people love? I don't understand. Well, because we're talking about...

I'm a higherbractor in Philadelphia. Well, because we're talking about a small town and because things like that would factor in to like a pot... Well, I mean, I asked it. So I'm telling you why I asked it. Because I can see that being gay in a small town, being the age, because Guy and I are approximately the same age, being gay at that time would have been something. thing that would have been an issue in a small town. So that is why I asked. Now, I can't, I mean, how guy feels about it is a different thing. I mean, that's exactly it. I just feel sad. Yeah. But like, the thing is, is it doesn't need to be sad. For a long time, it wasn't talked about.

And now it's lovely that we can. And it's important that we do. And, like, the more we talk about it and just are able to take it for granted, the less of an issue it will be. But also, we're always going to live in a world where the majority of people are heterosexual. And so there's always going to be a presumption of heterosexuality. And, like, you know, having a different experience in this way or any other way is something to think about just so that you're able to think about other people's perspectives that you might not before. And, Andy, I'm not accusing you of this. But the notion of why do we have to talk about it is also a way of not talking about it and is a way of quashing representation. So I don't ever like talking about gayness is always in season in my world because my life is surrounded by gay people that I love and I would never want them to not talk about who they are and who they love and the way they live their life.

Well, yeah, I mean, what I meant was I didn't finish my whole thought. Oh, I'm sorry. What I meant was it's that, yeah, I meant that it's sad that in 2026, it's, It's an issue. You should be able to love who you want. You should be able to talk about it, celebrate it, be happy with it, and let everyone be cool with it. It's just not that way. Like when I hear homophobic things in my office, I'll ask people like, oh, well, at what age did you choose to be straight? Or questions like that. So that they think, well, I would never choose. I'm like, well, why would people, they can't choose? Yeah, no, of course. We're 100% with you on this, yeah. And I agree. And I mean, the only, and then it becomes a topic because, well, because it's great that we can talk about it. If, you know, if this had been 30 years ago, we wouldn't have mentioned it. So matter-of-factly. And also, particularly, as you were saying, in the context of small towns, you know, we so frequently represent queer people as people who live in cities and people who have, you know, are publicists and that kind of thing. and like remembering that there are other people who are less visible is really important. And also like, I don't, I don't, it's 2026 and in my hometown, I don't know that anybody at my little high school has ever come out when they were in high school, which is a little crazy.

And we can sort of, you know, there's an inclination to declare mission accomplished with some of this stuff that is still going on. Yeah, yeah. Right. It is, it is better. Right. It is better. I mean, to think that. I mean, just in my business, in television, the fact that, you know, Ellen's show, like, what a huge deal that Ellen came out on a sitcom, which of course was quickly then canceled.

Right. But what a huge deal that was. And now having a gay character on a sitcom, a central character. Yeah. It doesn't happen as much as it should, but it's not front page news. And I just saw something, I saw a clip on Instagram the other day about, and I remember when it happened. a gay kiss on Melrose Place. And it was two men.

And they cut away from the kiss. Yeah. And that was like I was an adult when that happened. Right. And now, you know, it's crazy. Now there's, you know, heated rivalry, you know? But I mean, again, it feels like there's so much of this stuff. But I wrote, I co-wrote a very lesbian episode of hacks.

Uh-huh. And I was in Provincetown this last weekend. and the extent to which the lesbians were regularly approaching me with, did you write Montecito? And just sort of realized that even now, that kind of representation matters to people. Absolutely. It means a lot.

Yeah, yeah. Well, Andy, thank you for the call. And we're with you, too. I mean, yeah. Don't love you guys. It's thank you for calling and thank you for listening. For sure. Thank you. All right.

Bye, bye, 5-6-6-2-604. We've got Steve. Steve from Waiting River Where's Waiting River, Steve? It's a tiny little town on Long Island. It's like a little beach community. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's beautiful.

It starts a tiny town like my school is like 42 kids were in my school. It's like tiny. Yeah. And, you know, so I got a little story here. Like, you know, in the summer, we had a lot of city people. And it's kind of, thank God, because they like get here and they keep our economy going and they drink and they eat. It's like, oh, my God, but not these people would be sunk.

So, like, we have to treat them really carefully like like, like leprechauns. Like we have to like protect them and like make sure they feel like welcome and safe. Right, because of their pot of gold. Yes. Yeah. Just like lepracons. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I see, I don't like, but leprechauns. It's like, I feel bad. because it's like, well, that thing is, sometimes leprigoths could be negative. I was trying to find a better, but anyway, moving on. Like, so, so one time I saw this lady, I'm cold for a walk, and she's in a BMW, ancient lady, old lady, and she's driving down the street real slow.

And then suddenly she, like, drives over the curb and onto the sidewalk and just starts driving down the sidewalk. Yeah. and and I'm like, oh, this, I gotta help this lady, like she's not from here. But, uh, I look terrifying. I have, like, terrifying eyebrows and, like, a crazy beard. Like, I look like evil spot. So I'm like, all right, I got to approach this lady carefully.

So, like, she doesn't, like, pull out a gun and shit. So I, like, really slowly approach the car and I make, like, the roll down your window thing. And I go, like, hey, uh, do you lost? Do you need some help or something? And she goes, I try to find the grocery store. And I go, I'm like, well, it's not on the sidewalk. Like, why don't you, here, it's just like right over there.

Let's get you off the sidewalk. Like, let's, it's just one block down and you can't miss it. And the lady goes, uh, ah, And then she starts driving away. No, thank you. No, wave, nothing.

And I was like, she was just angry that she was not, that I could not somehow teleport her into the grocery store. Wow. But again, we need these people to thank God for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's my little false out stories. Well, thank you for that, Steve.

Um, you know, just be careful of, you know, in, I'm sure in Manhattan people can drive on the sidewalks all they want. She just was, you know, it was a cultural thing. We were always. I lived in Manhattan forever, and it's like, if I saw someone doing that in Manhattan, I would have to pull them out of their car and start beating them. Like, I'd have no, it's like, that's just how the city works. Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, out here, we don't have a choice. Right, right. You were going to say, guy? Oh, and also. Oh, wait. And also, I ran into not one, not two, but three petophiles. Okay, bye. Bye, bye.

On a somewhat related note, we were very envious of any of the towns that were adorable enough to have people from San Francisco or Sacramento go and do stuff. Like Nevada City is like a cute gold rush town and they had like a cute Christmas and stuff like that. Like boutiques and nicknack shops. Yes. And those towns were like so great and we were so envious. And then my dad who was a contractor, he got into like a little business of doing like construction.

work for the cults that had gone up into the Sierra Nevada. It's like little, bougie, like, San Francisco 60s cults that had, like, turned into a winery or something like that. Oh, really? Wow. And so they were like... They weren't, like, nefarious. They were just sort of communes. Yeah, yeah.

No mass murders, but just sort of like, there's one older gay guy who likes classical literature too much and is, like, put out a philosophy. And then, like, 40 upscale professional couples who just follow him. And, you know, my dad would build the meeting center or the pool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. And what was his attitude? Like, would he come home and tell you stories of them or just be like, these are weirdos, you know? It was like, these people are so classy.

Like, they're weird, but they're classy. And then there was a lot of awareness. He would do a lot of making fun of the shades that they were using for, like, this is where I learned the words puce and vermilion. Oh, because they would all wear the same clothing. Or no, just like, you know, just. like the paint like the paint in one of the rooms or something like that no it was very like normalized they were like a couple i remember there being like a couple of like classical statue like off-brand

classical statues at some of these things and like okay that's what they're into and my parents were very like impressed that they were like well educated and wealthy but also just sort of like it's a cult so weird the northern california is weird that way because it is you get like you know dope smoking gun nuts. Yeah. You know, like you just, or, you know, just these weird combinations that just sort of Northern California hippie culture, but rural, you know, sort of, I don't know, paranoia. Right.

The mix of it becomes really interesting in a lot of ways. No, it is very interesting. And like, you just, you go right over the coastal range and then you get into Humboldt and that's a different world. Yes. You get into Sonoma and that's a different world. And it is like just the entire, like, that there is that. whole world of like agriculture, but it's all wine.

And so all fancy is like so aliens. It is. It's weird. Well, and it's certainly from the Midwest perspective, like you get out of Chicago, it's the same from one end of the state to the other. Yeah. It's corn, corn and beans. Same thing, Iowa's pretty much.

You're not going to be like, oh, well, those Western Iowa people, you know, it's race. Where they're all country Iowans, you know. The amount of smugness we had towards the people of Colusa, which is, they're They were our arch rival high school, but also they, because of their placement in the valley, gets slightly less rain than us. So they had to grow beans. And we were just like, that pathetic life. Oh, you bean farmers.

That's hilarious. Why was Yuba City not pretty enough? Or was it just a working town? I mean, like, it's a working town. Like, it's, you know, it's at the confluence of two rivers that are going towards Sacramento. So it was, like, important during the gold rush. It was valuable in that way. But, like, you know, it really is just the culture of the people that makes it, and it being slightly too hot, is what makes it not Italy.

And that's the hard thing about it is, like, I, every year, I should have brought you some no chino. Every year I make no chino from my mom's walnut tree. Oh, wow. And it is just sort of like, we could be doing these, like, niche and bougie European things with all of our wonderful agriculture. But instead, we're just canning all these peaches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know. Canning peaches and selling walnuts to diamond. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, blue diamond was the man in my town. Oh, really? Yes. So, like, every year, we had a couple of acres of almonds. And so my dad in the fall wouldn't take construction work and we would knock the almonds. We said knocking the almonds. Right.

We would knock the almonds. And, like, as a kid, your job was to, like, pick them up and pour them into the big vat. But, like, we would sell the big box of it, like this big vat that we had to blue diamond and then I would get a toy because my family had extra money and it was like to me blue diamond was like they're going to mean I get a toy wow like Santa uh Rick from Delaware hello you got guy in me Rick hello Rick hello Rick hey Andy how are you what's up it's a pleasure to talk to you my friend uh next to Jimmy Pardo you're my favorite comedian man Oh, thank you.

And if you put us next to each other, I'm much taller than him. Wow, that's for sure. Yeah. Love Florida, love you. Thank you. Love everything you do. Thank you so much. Well, tell us to your small town tale, Rick.

Well, it's kind of crazy. It's over the course of 100 years or more. Growing up in Newcastle, Pennsylvania, that's Western TA. We were like 10 or 15 minutes from Youngstown, Ohio. in about 45 minutes from Pittsburgh. So in between and then up up the river, then obviously you had Cleveland. But back going,

and what is really striking, if you remember, you and I are old enough to remember a guy by the name of Paul Harvey. And that's the rest of the story. Radio show guy. Every day, yeah. Yeah.

He once, and this really cemented for, for us. We're listening to A.N. Radio. And, you know, we're listening to Paul Harvey every day. And he goes, he comes on. He goes, you want to commit a murder and get away with it? Go to Newcastle, Pennsylvania. And, you know, that kind of cemented. It's like, we thought, you know, it was all folklore or whatever, but that really cemented it. And, you know, the history goes all the way back. Yeah, what was he talking about? What was he talking about? At that time, two things.

So like I said, the history goes back to the 20s, 1920s, and this was referred to what they called the Cleveland torso murderer. And they kept finding all these just torsos in Lawrence, Newcast County, which is Newcastle, PA. And, you know, later they discovered, and because there was a train that, ran from Cleveland to Pittsburgh, and right through our little town, these bodies were apparently getting dumped off and probably executed in Cleveland.

And that happened over the course of like 25 years, and unfortunately, they found all these gruesome murderers that had occurred, and then flash forward. And about the time that Paul Harvey came on, he was also talking. about at that time because we were right outside of Youngstown, Ohio, and next to Pittsburgh, huge mafia wars. And, you know, Lawrence County, Newcastle, we had bridges, which went over swamps. And there were just many upon many, you know, bodies that were dumped in the swamps in our, you know, outside our little town in Newcastle. And it just, it was, it was crazy with all the mafia stuff going on and everything.

And, you know, we would be kind of the center of the, you know, all the attention. Yeah. Well, I mean, have you guys cleaned up your act? Are you still, are there still torsos lying around? Oh, my. Yeah. No, unfortunately, Andy, it's gotten worse. Oh.

I and a lot of my friends, we moved out. When I was getting ready to go in the steel mill like everybody did, back in the day, that's when it all collapsed. The steel industry, you know, the steel industry in Cleveland and Pittsburgh, and we relied heavily on that as well. We had a lot of support factories. I had friends back in the day making 50 grand out of high school with a high school education. I mean, we're talking 1975.

And that all collapsed. And, you know, unfortunately, literally the town, when I go back, because they still got family, there's gangs from Chicago and New York that have just come in and taken over. We went from 40,000 and down. It's below 20,000 now. And it's unfortunately, it's gotten worse. I was just kind of looking at the news, and there's all kind of murders still happening. And some of them are getting solved somewhere. Yeah, no, it's, yeah, that Pennsylvania and Ohio, like all this, all that steel business going out was, uh, it's pretty amazing to go.

I just was in, I was just through there recently on a tour thing. And it really is some of these towns. They just, it's like ghost town or, you know, and big empty steel steel mills. What do you do with them? You know, they just sit there. Yeah. There's been a lot of effort that, that, that, that, that, that, that, unfortunately. unfortunately failed.

You may or may not know this, but Warner Brothers started in Newcastle, Pennsylvania. Oh, really? They had, they had, they had their first movie theater in downtown Newcastle,

which, fortunately, some locals got together, and about 10, 15 years ago, they, uh, the thing was ready to fall in and, and they revitalized it.

And they were actually had a whole plan. plan to try to make it almost kind of like a little Disney because we're not far from New York. Obviously, we're close to Pittsburgh and Cleveland. You know, people could travel there and make this the hub of an activity center, but it just never caught. Several people, you know, local well-meaning businesses tried to do that. But if you're ever in the area, you can go down. unfortunately they preserved that that theater and there's a lot of stuff that uh the warner brothers family who's ever left the foundation donated and uh slipper rock university which is not too far

uh kind of manages it and runs it so uh but there's there's a lot a lot of history there going back and at one point newcastle had more millionaires than just just about anywhere in the country, the Phillips family, Phillips Oil, just a lot of, you know, like you said, you ride through these times and you can't believe it. You see a lot of mansions that are just now, you know, falling in that were once, you know, part of the big, big heyday back in the day, yeah. All right. Well, Rick, thanks for the call.

I'm, you know, I hope Delaware is better for you. It is. Yeah. We're down living the beach life. Oh, nice. Spending it, you know, with the grandkids and everything. That's great. The life wife's good.

Good. Well, thank you for the call. You bet. Thanks, Andy. Have a good one. It is amazing, too, how, like, did you ever read the book, Wisconsin Death Trip? No. It's a book.

It's a, and it's a, I think it was University of Chicago archivists. There's also another book called Murder City that's just about Chicago. Chicago and just how Chicago like and even before prohibition. Yeah. Like was just an incredibly violent place. But this book, Wisconsin Death Trip, it's just, they just focused on one area of Wisconsin and it is the, it's just the bloodiness of it, the brutality, the horrible murders that happened and just what a constant presence death was in people's lives.

fascinating. And, and it's, it's not necessarily, I don't even think it's necessarily the point that like this particular place, it's just, that was, that was life. And, you know, the reason that they call it the living room, do you know that? No. Because it was called the parlor and because death was such a normal part of life that you needed a room to display dead people. Right. And so they called it the parlor and that was one of its main purposes. So when they, we figured that out like we, you don't need to have dead people. You. You don't need to have dead people. And so. And so they, you know, it's. And so they, people in your house anymore. Yeah. They needed a new name for it. So they called it the living room because then you could, you know, it didn't have this, you know, this smell of death about it. It is interesting to try to wrap your head around these like very different ways of understanding the world.

Like my, you know, my grandparents came from these families where you just had 15 kids and four of them would die. Yeah. That was just a normal part of things. And, you know, I think it does, it's scarring in its way, but it also provides you with context, you know, and you understand the world in a different way. Yeah. I do think, like, I do think organized crime in Chicago and New York and so many of these

areas led to more vital awareness and understanding of local government than we have in California. I feel like in California, it's like, it's fine. Yeah, whatever, it'll be fine. As long as the potholes get built. All right, well, we're lucky. We've got a wild card call. Sharon from Houston, which is not a small town. Hi, Sharon. You got guy in me. What's up? Hey there. Yeah, I grew up in just a suburb north of Houston. We like to call Disney does suburbia.

Nice. But I talk to a lot of people in small towns, but as a wild card, I am a full-time fem-dom phone sex. operator. Okay. I am online sex worker. Yeah. All right. Good for you. Working from home. It's the dream. It really is. I spend my days humiliating men and feminizing or specifying after request. Sure, of course. Yeah, it's been an amazing career choice. And how did you, now do you want me to ask you questions about it? do you have a particular? Yeah, sure.

That's great. I mean, how, was this something that you were drawn to? Was this a natural kink for you? Well, I definitely do enjoy the art of the verbal and wordplay, but I stumbled upon it by happenstance, but I was already a kinkster in my normal life before I found that. And I was a sex educator in the past, too. I worked for a chain of adults. source and I found it at a time when I had just been terminated from the entire school district

because I had some videos promoting adult products to adults from over eight years ago that I forgot existed on the internet. So everything still lives on the internet, you know? Yeah, yeah. Was it like on a YouTube channel or Facebook or something? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was a YouTube channel I forgot existed. Oh, boy. But, you know, sometimes it's a blessing in disguise. I think I would have hated that job and the people I worked with in the end. So I love what I do now. And do you work for yourself or do you work through like? I do. Yeah. But I mean, how do you, how do people, how do you, how do you get to a point where you're like, I'm going to do this and here's how I'm going to get known to people?

For me, I needed serious XM. For you, how does how does one do that? Is there like a, you know, whatever. the news group kind of thing? Well, there are a few different websites and platforms where essentially, I mean, everyone's heard of only fans, right? Yes. But in similar methods, there are other sites besides that. Nightflirt is a huge one as well as various sites owned by TalkToMe.com, like there's sex and relationship advice.com, coogers.com, fincats. There's all sorts of things. So I have profiles in a few different places, but I also hooked up with Mattress Actress Academy,

who is now a good friend of mine, the founder, and she runs an online course that teaches people how to do it. And that's been a massive help in optimizing. Like, I play 10 characters at any given moment online. So she helped me max out my profiles as best I can. Oh, wow. This is reminding everyone of the importance of trade schooling. Yes, exactly. Learn a skill.

Yes. Learn his skill and then find something. I imagine this is like a kinky Angie's list. You know, instead of plumbers, you're getting people that will make you that will sysify you, which is a wonderful word. I mean, anything you want you can find on the internet, right? Also people. But I do think that it's fun that I have a college degree in business, marketing, leadership, and now I get to use it for naughty purposes. because I also work with the founder and help other women to end and people of all genders, but mostly women to create their own online businesses and frankly escape some really dark realities. Yeah, no.

I mean, it seems. It seems to be like that there is a movement online of women-based sex workers, you know, and like when they're running their own thing because it's sure, you know, for the longest time. Speaking of mafia, you know, they were the ones that ran any kind of sex business. The fact that OnlyFans has truly put the means of production in the hands of the workers. Like, it's the one big socialist move of the last 20 years. Yeah, yeah, it truly is. Absolutely.

And it spawned so many other sites, too. So don't be limited just to OnlyFans because you might find lots of other things in a specific niche on different places. Listen, I can't pay for masturbating. I have an old house I'm renovating. I don't have any extra money for that kind of fun. You know, I'm one of those, see, I'm your worst nightmare. I'm one of those cheap guys that just jerks off for free on the internet. Well, do you do that on any of those chat, right?

No, no. Like, no, I don't. I don't. I don't want, like, actual human interaction in real time. I know. Well, some people do. We're definitely helping with the male loneliness epidemic. I understand that. I know that. But that is just, that has never been my thing. I, you know, I, it's get the poison out. That's my, that's my attitude. And get it out quick.

You're missing out on so many different ways of pleasure, but that's okay. Yeah. That's no. Listen, I think I'm just, I've always said, you know, I mean, I'm not, I'm not approved, but I have never. never really felt a need to accessorize much. And I've always just felt like, I guess I'm just really good at jerking off. I'm really, really good at it. I don't, when I'm done, I'm like, that was plenty. Lucky you. Yeah. I know. It is really fascinating when I am in the situations when I am exposed to the gay guys who really are turning so many of these things into these very complex, baroque art forms. Yeah. And it is just sort of like so impressive. And I think, you know, one of the wonderful things is, is like, people love talking about things that they love about. And the way that so many of, like, these things become communities, I'm sure, so much of the, like, of the new clientele that you get are just people talking about what a great time they had with you and sharing it with other people and people being excited to get to engage with that.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't think many of them actually share it with others. Oh, really? I think it's their secret. Oh. Oh, yeah. I think, well, especially as a fendom because my clients are coming to me and wanting me to, you know, humiliate them for having a small dick or talk to them like they're a little baby in diapers. Yeah.

And, you know, you're not going to share that at the office, you know. I mean, depending on where you work. A lot of them don't share it with their wives. A lot of them are married and have a sexless marriage and this is how they, you know, manage themselves in that. staying faithful. And I bet you the secretness is probably part of why it's fun, you know? That's probably true. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Well, Sharon. Dirty little secret. Sharon, thank you so much for calling for, you know, for this wild card break from small townness, you know. Absolutely. It's people like the voice and want to find me sharing Peter, but with an eye, not an O. Okay.

Okay. All right. Bye, bye, Sharon. Thanks. she got a plug in. Yeah. Yeah. Good for her.

Good for her. I think that's our first caller that actually got a plug in. That's great. On that subject, Andy, I'm going to be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival from August 5th to August 30th with my show. It's Guy with a you. All right.

Next up, we got Jason from Dallas. Jason, hello, you got Guy and me. Hey, Andy. Hey, Guy. How are y'all dinner? Good.

Good. And this might be a hybrid wildcard story. I've got high to small. All right, good. A small town. Good, good. So I told this story a lot to my friends. But I titled this one,

baseball, adolescent anger, and karma. Okay. But now I'm an architect, so I also tend to be very descriptive. So I'll work on not taking all your time on these shows. Sure. My story goes back to the spring of 2005, I was a sophomore in high school.

I grew up in In Texas It's not small But not a large town West Texas About 100,000 Dealing At this time

I was playing on the JV baseball team We were playing in a baseball tournament In Snyder, Texas About 80 months away, 10,000 people

there And that This is important for later It's a Saturday tournament And all my teammates And family All the teammates

family's in the stands Including my dad And we haven't be playing our cross-town rivals in a tournament in Snyder. And I'm the starting pitcher. I'm playing against guys and playing with guys. I've been playing nearly my whole life.

So I know everybody in the stands. I know everybody on the field. I fished three perfect innings, no hits, no walks. The fourth inning comes up. I throw four straight balls, walk the batter. I'm getting upset, but I try to let it go. I walk the next two batters on straight balls. Now I'm getting frustrated.

The next better gets up and hits a hit, two runs come in, and now I'm starting to fume. The next batter comes up and throw a ball, and a second ball, and a third ball, and then all of a sudden I just let it all out. I am screaming at the empire from the mound saying, are you fucking kidding me? And this is fucking bullshit to the entire stadium. And even to the point where my centerfielder could hear me clearly as I'm screaming on the mount. And as a reminder, my dad is in the crowd and friends and other siblings.

So I immediately get thrown out. My coach meets me at the first baseline and tells me I need to grab my stuff and go to sit on the butt. So walking towards the stands and there my dad is, standing there, waiting for me with his arms crossed and biting his wet, most likely to keep him from smacking on the head or any other form of frustration letting out. But we go sit on the yellow dog bus and he and I had a long conversation about what happened and about to bounce back. And it was a huge learning moment for me to accept responsibility and I have forgiveness for my actions. But as part of my punishment, he had to stand outside of the gates of the stands and I apologize to everybody leaving the stadium. He wanted me to go apologize to the umpire directly and shake his hand.

And the umpire comes up. I go up to them and I apologize and we talk a little bit. And as we're shaking hands, he goes, uh, thank you very. apologizing, I probably shouldn't have shrunk the strike zone on you. And I go, I was in shock. I didn't know how to respond, but

the umpired admitting to me that he shrunk the strike zone, which led to all that. Well, when I get back to school on Monday, I, when I get back to school on Monday, I have to go meet the athletic director and gave me my punishment there to have to sit out for the next two weeks and then had

to, you know, run my ass off for the next two weeks, but anyways, I had a lot of your issues and vindic me was the hulking Hoy because I was an uncontrollable rage monster when it hits me, but

in college I destroyed three PlayStation controllers when playing games to my friends, so I luckily got over it. Good. That umpire was a dick twice because first when shrinking the strike zone and then when telling you about it.

Like just keep that to yourself. And also why shrink the strike zone? The strike zone is the strike zone? It does not make sense. Well, Jason, I'm glad you're a better man today and not so rage-filled. There's too much of that. Well, now the karma part of it, so after two weeks I'm not playing, I go back to my first game, and it is back in Snyder, 80 miles away.

Okay. I start the game on the bench, and then I get pulled up to bat in the fourth-fif inning, and a ball comes towards my head. Instead of turning my back to take it in the back, I open up my body and I get hit in the arm. And I trot down in the first base, holding my arm, not realizing what happened. And then when I get down to first base, I look at my arm and it looks like a baseball is under my skin. It has swollen so much. So I go back down and after you dream starts wearing off, I realize my arm is really hurting.

Well, I get back on the yellow dog to go home and that, what, an hour to half felt like six hours. trying to get home with that pain off the really awful bus ride. But get home the next day or get to the doctor the next day and realize I have a full fracture in my arm. Oh, my God. No longer playing baseball. No coach says to you, hey, buddy, you know, let's put some ice on that. Or, you know, when you get home, you might want to go to the ER. What's hilarious is that we get home and don't do anything about it.

I go to school the next morning. I go to the trainer's office and she goes, It looks like a sprain or just like a big bone bridge or something. I'm like, no way. This is worse than that. So I went to the doctor, got an x-ray and it was full broken. It's a full broke. Like a full, oh my God.

I don't know how you, you know. You must be really tough. Because that's full fracture fucking hurts. Yeah. All right. Well, the full pharma comes back because I never played baseball again after that, really. Oh, wow. It is what it is.

my life. Well, Jason, you know, baseball's worse off without you. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for the call. All right. Great thought to you all day. Great talking to you too. Big fan. All right. Should we do one more, guys? Yeah, yeah. We got one more here. And guess what? It's another wild card. Camille from Ohio. What's up, Camille? Hi, Andy. Hi, Guy. How are you guys? We're good. Nice, nice. Yeah, I'm calling from Cleveland, so I was so surprised to hear the Cleveland torso murders brought up.

Like, that was so unexpected. A little treat for you. Like, yeah, yeah, what the heck? No, this has been great. I've had such a crazy day, so I'm like, I'm looking forward to chit-chatting. So what's up? So I actually submitted a story last week when you guys were doing the, like, wild dating stories. Oh, you're right.

Dating apps. Yeah. Yeah, with Blair, so funny. So I'm actually ironically in the mall that this happened then, which is like all the malls are just so depressing now. Like this is like, you know, liminal space. But so when I was in college, I met this guy on Tinder. And he was kind of weird, but so am I. Like, I didn't really think much of it. And he suggested that we go see a movie together. For our first dates, we go to this movie theater that's connected to a mall, and we're going to go see it, like, the Pennywise, like, freaky movie, specifically the second one. And we get there, and he's trying to buy our tickets, and, like, his card just keeps declining over and over and over again to the point where, like, he's calling his bank, but it's, like, a local credit union.

Like, it's after five. Like, they're not answering the phone. And, like, the panic just set in of, you know, now what? And he suggested that we, like, walk around the mall, which, you know, we were, like, in our 20s, that didn't really feel, like, fun. Yeah. So I just told him, like, yeah, I'm actually not feeling good. I was just, like, head out.

And so he walked me to my car, and then I waited, like, 15, 20 minutes. And I went. And I went back inside and I watched it chapter two by myself. And then I did go to him after that. Oh, boy. I kind of like that, though. I like your, you know, like, hey, I'm not going to waste a trip, you know, to the mall. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm going to. And yet, you were all set for Pennywise. Live your life on your own tries. Yeah. You had your, you know, you had your mindset on Pennywise. You were, you know. Yeah, in this movie. Yeah, yeah.

well I think what else am I supposed to do? Yep. Well, I know it was good. It was good. And I also had, I, I do sort of admire your restrained and saying like, look, let me just buy the tickets. Yeah. Because that's what I would.

Yeah. That's people, please or me. That's what I would have done. Oh, no. I can't. I can't. And it's why I'm like forever single. I'm just always, I'm too mean.

Like, too mean. Well, self, knowledge is the first step towards, you know. no, healing, I guess. Yeah, the last guy that, like, I was dating this, like, was two weeks ago. Real quick, he was, like, in my room, like, doing, and before he went to bed, he would have to do, like, five to ten minutes of stretching in the nude against the wall. Nice. Yeah. And I'm like, you know, do your thing.

I'm not judging. And then he kind of closed his eyes and, like, a very blissful, like, peaceful, like, peaceful, full way and we kind of like dramatically fell to the floor and I started laughing because I'm like great bit great bet um but he did pass out like he's fully passed out wow yeah he's fine he's fine now right right right but yeah nude stretching is probably you got a really there there's a certain level of trust you need to have before you nude stretch in front of someone I think you should talk to the previous caller who was a dom and see if you could turn this into a small business with a camera, you know?

This is a great idea. Passing out, kink. Yeah. All right. Yes, yes. Camille, thank you so much for the call. Thank you. Thank you, guys.

And I love the ending of Hacks. Can I just say that guy? Great last season. Great last season. Thank you, both. Thank you. Well, Guy, that's it. Thank you so much for coming.

We usually pick a favorite of the story. Um, gosh, I don't even, you know, I think, I think just in pure edification, it's got to be Sharon. Yeah. Sharing with an eye. Yeah. And, uh, you know, that was, you know, it was a, it's a wild card, but it was a, it was an educational wild card. Truly. Yeah. Um, well, guys, so give us your plug again. You're going to be at Edinburgh. Yeah, I'm going to the Edinburgh French Festival. If you're going to be there, uh, I'm there from August 5th until the 30th. doing my solo show, Be Fruitful.

Please come see me, buy your tickets. They're available now. And people can see you in the meantime? Yes. Here in L.A. I'm going to be at the Elysian Theater Vault on June 13th, 14th, 21st, and 25th, doing Be Fruitful. It's your last chance to see it in L.A., so come on by. Great.

All right. Well, thank all of you for listening. I'll be back next week with Mike Mitchell from Birthday Boys, Joe Boys. If you've got a story, we don't have the topic yet. I haven't decided yet. But if you got a wild card or something like that, give us a story of 855-266-2-604, fill out the Google form in my social bio.

And we will talk to you next week. I love you. Conan All right.