The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Hannah Pilkes: Weird Travel Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Comedian and actress Hannah Pilkes (Netflix's Leanne, Comedy Bang! Bang!, Hacks, Dropout) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your WEIRD TRAVEL STORIES! Want to be a part of the Andy Richter Call-In Show? Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask Andy a question! Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app, Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan, oh, bro. Conan. You guys are ready to call in, because it's the Andy Richter call-in show, which my voice text still thinks is Colin. It always, whenever I try and say, the call-in show, it says, Colin.

Colin, like Colin Mochre is hosting. I love to be Colin. Maybe my phone preferred, Colin Mochre. You're calling now. I'm speaking to Hannah Pilkis, who is my guest host here today. and I'm thrilled to have you here. You can see Hannah in Leanne on Netflix

and the new season of Hacks on HBO Max in a market where no one has a job you have two. What the fuck? I know. I'm just hoping for another. If you're hiring right now, call me, you guys. Right, right. I'll be done it too.

I just walked the 134 showing off cool things I can do. Yeah, like that guy, the guy Dennis, something. Quaid. Dennis Woodruff? No, is that? He was a guy that for years was famous here because he wanted to be an actor and he would drive around in a van that would say, do you remember that guy?

And it would just be like Dennis Adder. Dennis, I think it was Dennis Woodruff actor, hire me. And he had like big, crazy bands that were painted like a crazy person. I think would put up his homemade, homemade billboards places. Yes. Okay. I know who you're talking about. I've seen the billboards.

Listen, better than a business card. He ended up doing things. He ended up winning six Oscars. Yeah, he changed his name. Many different times. He changed his mane to Alec Guinness. Incredible. Promos hard.

Got to do what you got to do? Leanne, that's going for a second season, right? That must be nice. Describe that show because I actually have never seen it, unfortunately. It's a single mom who works too. Oh, that's Reba. It's a mom in Knoxville. who's

who's getting her groove back her husband was a naughty boy and now she's out on the town living like it's the 80s y'all

and Kristen Johnson with the help of her sister who is just you know the sassy abroad Kristen Johnston and her family her wild child daughter

Josie nice she uh it's so fun it's so delightful do you know it's how do they I mean I've been in the same boat but how do you know what it's doing well

I mean, obviously they reorder. For me, it's everyone. I know I just have them stream it all day, every day. But I mean, are you bumping into people who are like, I know you from Leanne? Everyone's mom. Oh, is that what it is? I was at an improv show that I did in Austin and it was like 19 to 25 year olds and they're like, let's give it up her hand on Leanne. Yeah, yeah.

But then their mom's outside love Leanne. And that makes sense. I've had that where I did the Olson Twins major motion picture. New York Minute. It was New York Minute. Of course I know this very well. I was in New York Minute and that so for a while and now those women are grown up and they're me from, they knew me from dancing with the story. That was like that when I did Dancing with the Star, so many of these women were like, oh my God, it's the guy from New York Minute, which is just so fucking hilarious.

Like I've been on TV for 30 years, but you know me from New York Minute. I love it. The way that those are such a coveted part of my childhood and adolescents, all of it. watching the Olson Twins go to Blank City and fight with baguettes in Paris and just ride on hot guys mopeds? It gives you an unrealistic expectation of what your teen years are going to be. Well, I think it also, people had an unrealistic expectation of how they would do in the major motion picture business. Absolutely. Because they were, you know, they had their own cottage industry and they were like moguls.

And then I think just something happened is they got the major picture, you know, like the big studio release. The major motion picture deal. Yeah, yeah. The big studio release. And I just think like it was right when their fans were aging out. Right. You know, like it was like, okay, we've seen. And also they were getting to be grownups.

Well, unfortunately, that was at a time when we had countdown clocks to when women turned 18. Oh, that's right. Remember there's a got milk ad. Weird shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. It was like, we're not babies anymore. You know what we need milk for our growing bones.

It's so perverted. Thank God we're in a time when there's nothing wrong now. Right, right. Thank God that we've gotten all that, all that Pado shit out of our system. Jesus Christ, men are the worst. Men are the worst. But bye. Men are the worst.

No, I just, it is, it's amazing. That's the whole thing like lately. It's just like, yeah, about, I mean, I don't want to be a bummer, but it is like, oh, I guess, regardless of what type of man. Yes. Like, across all different strata. Yes. Some of them, when they get rich and powerful, worry about count on clocks around girls turning 18 or not. And just like, Jesus Christ.

Have you ever heard about, I think it's called an alpine something? Oh, an alpine divorce. Yeah. Yeah, where you take your wife out on a hike and ditch her. And ditch her. Last night I looked at my husband, I thought, I love you, but do I know you? Would you alpine divorce me? You could ditch them.

That's true. I'll reverse alpine divorce. Yes. Or if I'm getting alpine divorced, I'll go, I see what you're doing. Right. I'm an alpine divorcee right back. And you're very... And you're very fit.

You probably could... Very famously very fit. You probably could, you know, like leave them in the dust. Push them off the Grand Canyon. Yeah. Well, we're talking... Speaking of Grand Canyon and tourist spots, we're having weird travel stories today.

And if you have one, call us at 8555. 266-2-604. Phone lines are open, and we've got a crack staff waiting to take those calls. They all just put down their crack pipes. Guys, put down your crack pipes. So, yeah, if you have a weird travel story,

do you have any good weird ones? Speaking of Grand Canyon, I have sort of an eat, prey, love, kind of fun travel story. Oh, good. I was 21. My dad's from the Netherlands and they had a Dutch travel company. So it was me and like 30 Dutch people that spoke.

Wait, they, you mean? My mom and dad. Oh, okay. Yes, had a company together. And we would go on like rugged hiking, biking camping tours. So this was a camping tour. Oh, those sporty Dutch. I mean, and you know how fit I am.

So it's like, I got to do it. You're super fit. I can't fit in the sea. My gams. I just tried creatine for the first time. Gave me a heart attack. That's for another time. Okay.

But so... I almost shit my pants on creatine once. Honestly. Almost. I just make it right to the bed. I took it like you're supposed to take it before meals or after meals and I... I think it's important to know which one. Yeah.

And I don't remember. And this was years ago. But I was here in L.A. when I lived in New York and I was here in L.A. and I was trying it. And I was like in pretty good shape then. And I left a meeting kind of being like, I should maybe go to the bathroom. Oh, well, I'm not too far away from my hotel.

And within five blocks, I had my foot on the floor beyond the pedals, bracing myself arching my back, going, oh, oh. It's happening. I pulled up to a hotel, gave him a 20 and said, I'll be right back. And they go, oh, that kind of about to shoot it's like. That's a shitting. This is a shit. Your pants, 20.

I get three of them a day. And you don't forget the time you almost shake your kids. Oh, no, you sure don't. Well, nothing brings you back to. That's been a topic on this. I'm sure. Because we've all been there. Right.

No kidding. It's the unifying factor. It is. And we're reminded that we are but tall babies. Yes. You know, you're a father. Right. But at that moment, you turned into an adult baby.

And there's fluids and substances waiting to come out of us at any moment. That's right. Out of numerous holes. But the good news is there's a bathroom right nearby. It sure is. Right nearby. And they're pointing and they're showing you. Thank you.

They're showing. Thank you five. All right. I'm sorry. We got off on a shit track. So you Grand Canyon. We Grand Canyon. We traveled in a van like, I mean, look, talk about a place to get Alpine

divorced. We traveled all down the West Coast. So we would do like Zion. We would do the arches. We did the Grand Canyon. And we would set up tents and then sleep under the stars and pack up at like 6 a.m. and it was great. It was like a magical trip.

And are these Dutch people here? Here now? No, no, no, no, no, no. No, I mean, I mean, are, was it like Dutch tourists? Yes. Yeah, okay. So it was all Dutch people and the perk of having parents that ran these rugged tours. Yeah, yeah.

I guess I don't have to preface every time with them being rugged. Yeah. No, no, it's good. It's good. They may be listening. It wasn't a naked and afraid situation, but it wasn't a four seasons, right? It was something. It was just naked.

Nobody was afraid. Naked and content. Yeah, yeah. That's the Dutch. That's the Dutch. Very free. Naked and free. And we, so the Grand Canyon was one of our stops. And I was in my Eat, Pray, Love, Flirty Girl era. How old are you? You think?

I think I was 20. How old do I think I am now? No, no, no. Anywhere between 26 and 40. Sure, sure. Why not? And you can guess later. I hiked by myself, it's not advised to hike to the Colorado River and back. Yeah.

And there's all these different rims of the canyon. And they have no guardrails there. Yeah, no. And just yaks. People on yaks and llamas just walking by. And you're going, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's about a foot by a foot.

And you're not, you're not recommended to do it alone because it's dangerous. You could fall off and no one would know that you fell. And I know someone who had. Yeah. Yeah. It's horrifying. I knew somebody that fell off posing for a picture. I do.

Yeah, I know that person. I guess we both know that. It's horrifying. It's like one of the worst things ever. And I don't even want to go down that route. But we, I almost fell that day. That was the first crazy thing that happened because I was by myself, cocky. I had someone take a photo of me doing the tree pose at the edge, you know, leg up.

And I'll show you that. And let's fly in the photo. Gorgeous, by the way. Caves stulted. And Adonis. But the wind blew and I kind of lost my footing for a sec. my foot went over, and my parents don't know this. But in that moment, I was confronted with,

I'm an idiot. Almost died. Yeah. Almost died. I mean, yeah, almost died. It was over the ua point, which is pretty high up. So that was, there was just a weird confluence of events that day. So that started it.

And you would think, okay, maybe call it. I was like, let's keep going. Yeah, yeah. So you go 10 miles down. 10 miles down, forgetting, well, if I went 10 miles down, Yeah. I got to go 10 miles up stairs. Yeah, yeah.

So that's 20 miles. Yeah. Total. So I get to the bottom and I'm splashing in the Colorado. I meet this woman who's 65 who's won a bunch of tough mutters. She's like a world champion. She ran all the way down and is taking salt tablets. And she's really like the modern.

She's the female group. Yeah, she knows what she's doing. And then I meet these two boys, these Italian boys, Herriberto and Eugenio. Eriberto and your genius. I meet them on my way up and they're smoking a little weed. Yeah, yeah. And they say, would you like to partake?

And so I ask, of course, no questions. I trust them immediately. Okay. Of course, yeah, I'm 20. Have a little smoke with them. We get to the top. I mean, grueling. I also ran out of my inhaler on the way in the last mile because I'm 20 and so negligent and reckless.

You have a daughter. I do. Who's 20? Who's 20? Okay, so buckle up. Okay. She goes to the Grand Canyon, she might meet your genial in that event. Cudy Pies. And they were on like a just throw caution to the wind, just the two of them, two best friends traveling.

The last mile, I don't have my inhaler. And the thing about asthma is, first of all, not good. Yeah, yeah. But also very psychosomatic. So if you start to, if you start to give in to the knowledge that you can't breathe, it just progressively gets worse. So I'm just, I'm like nonverbal and we've smoked weed. So I'm hyper paranoid, trying not to think about the fact that I've run out of my inhaler and walking up my 19th mile of stairs, wheezing my ass off. We get to the top.

I get to my tent. I get my inhaler. The craziest part is that they both asked me on a joint date. And they were like, we're going to be in San Francisco and three days ago. Me too. That's the next leg of the trip. That would be it. So we went on a day.

me and Eriberto and Eugenio went on a, I guess they were both dating me at the same time. And we played pool. And so one of them would lean over and help me with a pool stick. And then the other would lean over and help me with a pool stick. And then we had a good night kiss together. Like all three faces pressed together? I think it was like this. I think it was like this.

Eugeneo. And did they kiss each other? I don't remember. I don't want to talk about the rest of the evening. Right, right. This is a tennis movie. Champions. I think it's called Challenders.

Challengers? My movies called Champions. Whatever. This is, oh my God. My movie's an asthmatic woman goes on a date. I am such an old dad at times. The champions. I had a Champions movie.

That one with that Zendia. That gal, she's really tall. They're playing tennis. I'd love to see the pickleball one. Champions. It's a very small court, but a lot of big feelings. The pickleball. Holy shit, that would be funny.

A fucking Challengers with pickleball. but they're all over 50. Yeah, they're all 62 years old. And getting hurt. I mean, there's nothing that, if you get hurt so quickly. Yeah, yeah. So the next morning.

A hot scene where they take off each other's braces. Braces and, braces and depends. Compression socks. I'm like, if you're over 50, you're shitting your pants in a diaper. Listen, I've been shitting the entire time. Anyway, so wait, finish this story.

So the final thing is we had a lovely joint date together, our little three-way, two-way kiss. And then they were staying at a hostel, I went back to my... We occasionally would stay in hotels. We would camp for a weekend and then stay in one hotel, which was really nice to have a nice shower. And the next morning, I get a call from the hostel.

And they're like, hey, you left something behind when you had your... Not when you had your good night kiss, but we have something of yours. I'm like, what did I think? They had left me a letter, and we met on the Bright Angel Trail, and they thanked me and called me their Bright Angel.

Oh. And they said, good luck on the rest of your travels. Good luck with your wheezing. Good luck with your wheezing. I am at Riberto, and this is my best friend, Eugenio. Yes. I guess it's less of a weird travel story and more a gorgeous one. It's kind of sweet, yeah, but that's okay.

Formative part of my youth, honestly. It is weird that most things suck, so it was weird that it was nice. It was weird that it was nice, and I think that the real takeaway, we talk about men, European men are superior. Okay. There was no ego about it. It was really beautiful. We weren't going to be in a polycule.

It was just, hey, this is a fun night. Let's all, like, go on a beautiful date. talk about life and it was very sweet. No groping because the Italians are famous for that. I don't, from what I recall, either I've repressed it deeply. I think it was just very pure and sweet. Maybe some handholding. I mean, as I said, I played pool and there was someone to lean, one of the moon.

Let me help you. Let me help you with the cube. We call this a mansplain. We called it, but if we say it like this, it's less of a man's plane and more of a mansoom. Let's go to the phones. And we're going to be talking to the champions cast later. I'm freaking Dracula. They're who?

All right. We're going to the phones. Liz. Holy shit, she's got a Grand Canyon story. Liz, are you Mary Beerto? And I'm... Are you Mary Beerto? I'm jealous of your experience.

My experience is not as fun. I'll tell you that much. Oh, shoot. I wish, but similar, I hiked the rim to rim. So I did the Bright Angel Trail. Sure. My friend convinced me it was like 10 years ago. I was like, okay, I'll go with you there if we go to Vegas for my birthday after.

So I was like, perfect. So I kind of prepared, but I probably should have prepared more for the hike and didn't think much of it. So I'm probably about three miles in and it's hot. The end of August going down. Oh, end of August. What a choice. What a choice. outside and you're like, let's hike.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I literally did one of those where you look to the heavens, like, how did I get myself here? How am I going to get out of this? Yeah. And within like 10 minutes, the sky opened and it downpored. Like, absolutely downpored. And it's slippery there.

Probably, yes, I had a good like three miles left and it just wouldn't stop. And so we stayed at like the Phantom Ranch. So we stayed in the cabins. Oh, nice. So we finally got to the cabins. And I checked out my feet. My shoes, I paid like $200 from R-EI. Like I was like, I'm going to hike.

This is great. They were not waterproof. Oh. My feet got destroyed. You were Reese Witherspoon and wild. Were they all like pruny and like, yeah. Oh. Disgusting.

Wait, were you staying in the cabins at the bottom by the river? Yes. Oh, that's nice. Wow. Yeah, yeah, no, it was nice. But we only stayed just to the night. So I had to hike up the next day. In those boots.

You can imagine, you know that hike in those same boots. And my feet were already, like, destroyed. So I was pretty much, it was just me and one friend. And I let her go ahead because I was walking slow. I was walking slow, slow, probably a mile like every hour. Like, that's how long it took me a look, a mile. And you know when, like, when you're walking and, like, you see other people and they just look at you, like, you look rough? Yeah.

Like, I must have looked rough. Because people were like, you're hearing at me, like, like, you look awful. Wow. To a point where there was, like, this family and, like, three brothers. who naturally were like gorgeous shirtless with their dad in their 20s and they stopped me and they're like what are you doing why are you by yourself what are you doing like you need help you immediately what are you doing we're hungry we're a catable family and i'm just like and i'm just like i'm good my friend's ahead of me like relax i'm sorry your friend left and well she gave her friend

permission i see yeah her friends like you are too you're in such a bad way Her friend is looking for Italians. I know. And they got the join at the top. No. She ended up meeting guys from Spain after that. That's the whole other. It's the same guys.

They're changing their accent. But anyway, they end up meeting up with my friend, scream at my friend. Why did you leave her? And the key line is, your friend isn't going to make it out of here tonight. She's in rough shape. Like, what are you going to do that? about it. We can tell.

This is what they yell at her. And meanwhile, I'm still like pitter-pattering. I'm walking slow. And all of a sudden, I see a park rangers sprinting down the course. Yeah. Turns out the brothers called the Ranger on me. They're like, she looks like such. So the ranger comes with the walkie-talkie and it was just like, okay, what's the emergency?

What's the emergency? What's wrong with you? Like, show me what's wrong with you? And I'm like, nothing. I'm just walking. Oh, my feet. Just walking. I was like, my feet are a frigging mess right now.

And somehow I get to the top. Not with the, without the help of the ranger. Yeah, I would have said, I need a medevac. I'm having a baby. I was literally hoping that they were going to send one of the donkeys to, like, take me up. Yeah. Yeah, just toss you across and tie on. Yeah, that was like my hope.

but she just looked and it was like a college kid. Yeah. It was just like, oh, I guess she's just walking slow. She said on the walkie and that was it. And like she vanished. But literally I get to the tops and I'm like, thank God. And all of a sudden I turn and it was just like pitch black. Like I just, you know when like something like happens like for a reason?

Because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see to like get out. Yeah. Like I just made it to the top. Wow. And so the next day we have to go take a shuttle, right, to get our car on the other side of the rim. We get to the shuttle who's there, the brothers and the dad. They're in our shuttle. It's just us five.

Oh, my God. And they recognize me immediately. They're like, you look a lot better. You're not dead. And I was, I know, I literally said, I made it out, check out my feet. And I was wearing flip-flops and I made them look at my gross feet. And I was like, I told you my feet were bad. Wow.

And so did you have your gross feet in Vegas? Oh, I sure did. And somehow... Is it hard to get around? Like, they hurt bad, so you don't even really want to go and do stuff, do you? Did you just sit at the slots? I forced myself. Luckily, I got...

We had tickets to Britney Spears, so I saw the concert. Okay, sure. Got to go to that. Sure. And then I had to. Of course. like I was turning 30. I was like, I'm seeing Brittany.

Happy birthday. Necessary. And then, and then somehow they let me in, because I had friends that go to Vegas a bunch, give me advice, because I wanted to go to a nightclub. And they're like, if you eat in this restaurant, you can get in the club from the restaurant. And I think that helped me because I literally had like bedazzled flip-lops on with my dress. Okay. But Vegas needs to calm down.

It's not like Vegas is, you know. Vegas is classy. Yeah, exactly. Someone with like a crazy straw on one of those six-foot drinks. You can't dress like that as someone is puking into a plant. Yeah, exactly. God forbid bedazzled. That was my first time, so I didn't know.

Right. And like, I'm in New York City all the time. So there people will, like, kick you out if you don't have their right shoes. Yeah, no sneakers. Yeah. I was just like, yeah. Yeah. But you went in the underground.

tunnel and you got into the club from the steakhouse. Oh yeah. Nice. And that's where we met the guys from Spain. Oh. Again. Wait. Yes. Oh, oh, right, right. No, no, no. Yeah, we're we're writing our own plot. And did the brothers eat your friend? The hungry, hungry boys?

You're like, I let that part out. Yeah, yeah. I told you she was going to meet them. Yeah. All right, well, Liz, thanks for that. I'm glad you. I hope your feet are better now and more presentable for the internet. I am good, but hold on. Andy, will you be at Dancing with the Starscon? Oh, really? Will you be there?

Yes, yes. I am supposed to be dancing with the StarsCon. Oh, my God. In Palm Springs. Will you be dancing? And like at the end of fucking July, so it'll be 9,000 degrees. I don't know if I'm going to be dancing, but I said, yeah. I mean, at this point, they asked me to do stuff and I say, yeah.

That's so cool. Because they're so nice to me and it's so. much fun and um well i'm gonna be looking for you all right will you come up and you let me know you let me know you come up with your bedazzled flip flops and i'll you know give me a look and i'll know it i'll know it right away smuggle you into the palm springs clubs that's liz yes perfect that's the girl that's she escaped the cannibal family all right all right liz thanks so much next up oh this is so tailored to you michael from Amsterdam. My homeland.

From Amsterdam. Michael. Can you guys hear me on? Yeah, we can. Perfect. Yeah, what a coincidence. I think I'm your first Dutch caller. Oh my goodness.

Hi, Michael. Come on guys. Say stuff in Dutch to each other. I don't speak enough Dutch. How about it? How got it? It's very good. It's low, look.

Very good. I know. I swear the Dutch must have the clearest throats in the world. Yeah, yeah. Are you yourself right now? You're constantly clearing them.

Yeah, just a lot of G's and caves. Yeah, we're some kass, pinder kass. So Michael, tell us about your Peru trip. Yeah, well, almost 10 years ago at this point. I got a bit of a fright at that. I was like, 2017 is already 10 years ago. Yeah, it's a bummer. Spooky.

So, yeah, end of 2017. I remember it was the end of the year because there were still Halloween decorations up all over the place, even though Halloween had already passed. I was 22 or 23 years old at the time. In Peru, there's lots of Halloween celebration. That's interesting. Apparently, we're at that hostel.

It was at the hostel. In Holland is there? Holland doesn't really do Halloween, do they? No, we have St. Marta. St. Marta. Same thing. You know, door to door, collecting candy just without the masks or costume.

So even just like in your chin notes. Yeah, it's just a church thing. It's just a church thing. We need to have it there when the children get candy. In their normal. Yeah, yeah. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to mock your accent.

I continue. I just feel so at home. Continue. Sorry. No worries. Yeah, so I got to Peru, end of 2017. And I arrived there a day before another Dutch friend of mine was supposed to arrive. I don't know exactly why, but the flights worked out that way somehow.

And so I get there late in the afternoon, and I spent what was the left of the day walking through Lima, beautiful city. And then when I got back to the hostel, I spent the entire evening on the rooftop bar drinking beers and Pisco Sour. Oh, I love of Pisco Sour. They're so good. Lime juice and egg wise and a lot of alcohol. But also like how many, it's a lot of egg if you're having a lot of... Yeah, it's protein. It's a lot of...

It's a lot of... You're getting swollen. I didn't think I would like it at first. No, it's the kind of... It's like an alcoholic drink. It's the Popeye spinach of alcohol. Right. Right, exactly.

That's a great comparison. And also, it's great for your coat. Sure. Yeah, this albumin that really is good for your coat. Everything's getting nice and glistening. You're going to have so... You're going to be so glossy. You guys are making me once a piece.

Pisco salad. Yeah, all right. Let's fly in the Piscos. Yeah, not in the Netherlands, I'm afraid. But, yeah, anyway, so I'm up on the rooftop, well, drinking beers and Piscos, mainly with the hostile staff at some point because the bar was, it was guessing to closing time, and the girl behind a bar, this Colombian girl, she kept feeding me, you know, she liked me and wasn't too shy about her.

She just kept feeding me beers and pisko. And I haven't had any dinner. I was completely jet lag. Well, I had airline food, but that's not really... It doesn't count as food if you're up in the air. Yeah. No. And I was like six hours ahead, middle of the night.

And we're still up there. It's about 3 o'clock, I'm guessing at this point. And me and the staff and her, we're still drinking, drinking, drinking. And I'm, you know, messed up at this point. But I don't remember what for, but I decided to go downstairs to my room, which was on the ground floor, like a shared dorm room, you know, in a hospital. Sure. And I'm on my way down, and it's complete pitch black darkness. Like, I can't see a thing.

In the hostel room? Well, going down the stairs. Oh, okay. So from the rooftop going down. And I think, well, it was about three stories, the building. Yeah. And luckily, you know, I had my wits about me enough to where my right hand I was holding onto the banister and my left hand was on the wall.

I love a hostel that's like no lights in the stairwell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just find your good luck. You don't have the budget for that. You want lights stay in a hotel. There probably was a light switch. You want Piscoe stay here. You want lights stay down the street.

Yeah. I'm sure there was a light switch somewhere that I just didn't, that I failed to find. Right. But anyway, so I'm feeling my way down, and I get to the ground floor in one piece to my own amazement. And, well, or so I thought I got to the last step, and I let go of the banister. I let go of the wall. And you know how some staircases, after the last step, there's a flat area at three, four fees or so, and then there's one more step.

Yeah, landing, yeah. And so I could see that. So I thought I made it down and I'm walking and the floor just disappears from beneath me. And I smash my face into the wall ahead of me. And my eyebrows split open. I'm bleeding heavily. And yeah, not as great in pitch black darkness. But I felt my way to my room, which wasn't far.

Did you, like, army crawl on the ground to your room? No, no, no. I was just, you know, like hands out in front of me. Well, didn't you know you were bleeding? Couldn't you feel like? And were the hallways also lightless? I went. Yeah.

Was this one of those restaurants where it's all dark and the waiters serve you in the, are we sure we weren't in one of those? Wow. No, this, so I make us into my room. I find a doorknob. and there's probably like five people sleeping in there but I'm trying to be quiet I'm super loud

trying to bleed quiet and you bleed so loud I know that about you spraying the people there so I well I didn't see the aftermath until the next day I'll get to that part okay so I feel my way into the bathroom finally you know switch on a life

see myself like half my face covered in blood, my shirt covered in blood. What else was covered? Everything was covered in blood. It sounds like a Van Hoven movie. I barely remember this part, but I remember seeing my face in the bathroom mirror quite clearly and seeing my eyebrow, you know,

opened up and I was like, oof, that's, that'll sting in the morning. But I was still fucked up. So I was like, well, you know, wash the blood off my face. And I went back upstairs to the rooftop bar. And the staff, they see me, you know, they freak out. I was out to see that.

What the fuck happened? I'm like, oh, no, nothing, you know, no biggie. Bring on the Bisco! Exactly. I took on a wall. They wisely advised me to, you know, to go to that. They said, all right, we can have one more, one more beer and then probably bedtime. So that's what I did.

I just love your thinking. I better go to bed. Stumble, stumble. Oh, fuck. Oh, no, I opened up my eyelid. I better have another beer now that my eyelid is open. Just one. Just one.

I'm not an asshole. I'm a respectable adult. I wasn't actually planning on going to bed. I went down to my room to get something wash. I wouldn't know. I don't remember. Maybe you were washing up for the bus. washing up for the bartender.

Maybe you guys were going to have a cute kiss. Yeah, yeah. Did that happen? I imagine that that kind of threw a wrench in your plans. Well, it happened eventually. Okay. So I go to bed. Those Colombians love a bloody man.

Oh, they do. She did. She told me the day after. Like, why, he looks so sexy with that black guy. See, I told you. Yeah, you got him down to fatigue. Everyone's got their kinks. So the next day, my friend arrives.

I'm in a bunk bed on the top bunk right by the door of the dorm room. And my friend arrives and he gets there quite early and I wake up to him walking into the room. And he sees me and I see him like at the same time. And I'm like, hey, you made it. And he's like, what the fuck happened to you? And I'm still all bloody. I lift up my head and the pillow is stuck to my face because of all the. The dried up blood of my face.

I'm just glad you were okay. Like, you know, it might have been something that you could have gone to, like, I don't know, urgent care before. Well, I have another story about my other eyebrow. Those were four stitches. The other one. Those were the only two scars in my face. So did you end up getting any medical attention on the one here in Peru? No.

No. It wasn't a huge, I mean, if I would have gone, they probably would have glit. lute is or something. So now you have like one of those Charlie Puths, you know. Yeah. Do you have, yeah. It's a little in both of my eyebrows, actually. Wow.

They kind of match up. I like that. The symmetry worked out. Nice, yeah. You got to get symmetry going on the face. All right. Intentional symmetry. Well, and then the rest of the trip was good?

Well, uh, kept getting better. But, um, yeah. So my, my friend, uh, arrived. He, uh, he saw the stays of the room. as well, he assumed that was me, considering my face was also all bloody. Sure. And there was a huge bloody handprint next to the bathroom door as well. Inside the bathroom looked like a murder scene, so the cleaners were not happy with me.

So, leisure that day, ended the day, end up at the bar again with my friend. And, well, everyone saw the big black eyes, so people were like avoiding me. They probably thought I got into a fight. Yeah. And again, sexy bartender kept feeding me beers and shots. I'm like, well, all right. You know, I'm getting drunk again, I guess. Don't tell me it happening.

And after closing time, me and her went downstairs. Yes. Into this, well, she, I just followed her lead, and she took me into this room, another hostile-style room, like a dorm room, but nobody was in there. So we, you know, we hook up. We have crazy, wild, drunk, hostile, sex in a room full of empty bunk beds. And she was like, I have to work tomorrow morning.

So we have to get out of her early and this and that. I'm like, all right, no worries. So we fall asleep in there. Her alarm doesn't go off. And we get a rude awakening. Someone's just banging on the door. Like an insane person. Door was locked.

But yeah, someone's screaming in Spanish. And she's like, fuck, that's the manager or the owner or something. That's my dad. Yeah. She was more worried than I was. But, yeah, so she threw the door, says like, oh, shit, give me a minute. I didn't speak in Spanish, so I don't know what she said, but she was. Did you hide under the bunk bed?

No, I didn't hide at all. I was still, you know, in half-drunk haze, just had sex, you know, like I was like, ah, you know. Yeah, yeah. We'll be fine. You didn't do anything wrong. Right. Exactly. And then as we guess, as I got out of the, as I got out of the same.

of bed. I was still wearing, well, part of the condom. Only the ring part. Nice. The rest was completely obliterated, apparently. But that was a choice for fashion. Sure, sure. No, no, no. Yeah. I wish. No, they completely tore up and, uh, fucking Peruvian condoms. Are you due child now? Exactly. I think I might have brought those myself. Oh, wow. All right. So maybe that's what you went to get the night before. Yeah, yeah. We could be, actually. Yeah. I think you went to get a condom. I think I would have only needed those downstairs.

Yeah, yeah. I made them myself. Yeah, yeah. So I know that they work. Paper machine. So we, so we freak out. Like, oh, shit, the condom broke. Oh.

But she's like, well, all right. We'll deal with that. I need to get out of here as soon as possible and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So we exchange numbers very late into the days, I guess. But, you know, we exchange numbers and college of days. Right. And by the way,

my name's Michael. Okay, yes. And I think you know my drink of choice. Yeah, she knew that one. So I go into my own dorm room next door. I sleep it off. And my friend at that time is out with the lady who cleaned up my blood the day before. Wow.

Yeah. Sexy hostile staff, yeah. Exactly. And so I wake up a couple hours later to text from Columbia and bar girls, saying go out to this and that pharmacy gives a morning after pill. It seemed like a good plan. So it went out for breakfast.

And I just want to remind you the more hours go by, the less effective it is. So you're like, I went breakfast, I had a little shopping spree. I saw the fountain. Right, right, right. And we thought. I didn't take too much time. His sperm was drunk too, so.

It needed time to sober up. They were still finding their way. That's so funny. So I had my breakfast, get to this pharmacy, and again, I didn't speak a word of Spanish, but I'm standing in line there, and I got my Google Translate out and put in the words morning after pill, and I figured, you know, how hard could that be? But by the time I got to the counter, I realized showing them my phone screen that it had just translated three separate words, morning after and pill.

And it doesn't make sense in Spanish. is apparently to, you know, they're saying, you know, we understand the word. But at that point, just pantomime what happened. Well, that's what I was doing. I was like, well, the condom broke and then there's this older couple in line behind me. And they, the guy, like this granddad is like, oh, I speak English. Like, you want me to help you? I spoke some English.

And there's young girls behind the other counters. And they come and help out. And all of a sudden, half of this pharmacy. Com. Yeah. Half of this pharmacy is there trying to help me translate. Like, oh, well, morning after pill. And, well, eventually, you know.

Do you know what the Spanish words are for that now? I think pastia de emergencia. Pastia de emergency pill. Everyone write that down. So I learned that at that point. Wow. But, yeah, so they figured it out. Everyone's laughing at me.

But at least. I got the morning after film. So later that day, me and her meet up again. She tells me that... You should have showed them your penis with just the condom ring on it. This is why I need... Does this make sense? This thing?

Huh? This is an amazia. Okay. But, yeah, so we beat up, and she tells me that after she finished her shift that day, she was fired by the guy they're like you gave out 45 Pisco Sowers last night we're hemorrhaging money

We had to crack 42 eggs And also fire me before my shift Right Don't make me worse Yeah exactly That's what I said as well Wow what a shitty guy But anyways

Fires her after a shift And then the very The thing that made me feel worse actually was they also fired the guy who was working the reception that night. They had like a 24-7 reception. Yeah. And there was a younger guy working there. And because he didn't brass us out, they fired him as well.

Wow. Which was a, you know, I didn't feel like, they're like, there was a bloody man wandering the ground for two to three hours leaving a trail of blood behind. And no one noticed that there was gore across three floors. And prints all over the walls. Mark, Michael, I got other callers, so I just want to Yeah, yeah. She found her dream job after that, so it all worked out.

Thank you for hanging with me for as long and sticking with this long. No, no, I just, you know, there's just other people waiting, so I just wanted to make sure we get to them. So, but thank you so much. Thanks, Michael. It was great talking to you. Good time. I'm going to have a Pisco tonight. You guys, too.

Yeah, Pisco. 855-266-2-604 is the number. I don't know if we have time. time for any new callers or anything. But Catherine from Indiana, you're up. Hi. Hi. So, I was fresh off of never being abroad before. I got to set the scene for this. Okay. At 21, I'm using my college financial aid money to go to Italy for a study abroad. The end of the study abroad. I'm in a place like an hour away from Florence called Sienna. gorgeous medieval town. Great. It's been a month there. There's a two-armed bus ride to get from

sand of the Florence. And it goes through what I would describe as like Mario Kart-esque terrain. Yeah. Like terrain that feels like it shouldn't be physically possible to be like as per Reba. I'll be hilly as it is. Totally. And I had taken a Zamamina, which I also Google translated so it's the last caller. And I was like, okay, I'm set. I got the medicine. I'm in the back of the bus where I thought it'd be most sturdy. Fun fact. Is that motion sickness? A Zimamina? Yeah. Zemamamina. It's dramamine. Oh. Oh. It's dramamine with a little, uh, Yeah, yeah.

Zwa-a-Vee. Right, exactly. Yeah, it's a little cayenne. It's Tramamine in heels. Yeah, like, there's no oomel, but, like, it could, you know? Right, right. So I'm an hour into the ride, and I've had nothing but water. I'm sitting in the back of the bus, which was not calm, by the way.

Terrible choice. And it's packed. It's the middle of the ride. They just have, like, a historic horse race. I start feeling crazy. And I'm like, oh, no, I'm good. Like, I didn't eat anything. I can't throw up on an empty stomach.

Uh-huh. Wrong. So I throw up. I projectile, wrong. I'm going to the three people in front of me. Oh. And myself. No.

And I start crying. I'm sobbing. And I don't speak Italian. And these two people are crying, a grandma hands me like a random heart candy that's wrapped. I put in my mouth, I guess I literally took candy from a stranger. And then the Australian couple that I also threw up and I was like, it's just water. It's just water. We're Aussies.

We're used to piss. Yeah. I puked out myself three times today. That's really nice. Yeah, that's how I was telling me to die. So cool about it. Everyone else kind of, like, understandably, I would be evil-eyeing me. Like, this is irresponsible.

It's a thing I was an idiot, like a drunk American. And it lingers. Like, it's like it lingers in the bus. It's not just the back of the bus. It has a smell. So I'm covered in it. The bus does not stop. There's another hour.

I covered my own self. And it's a grip. We sound to treat the first 10. Wait. We're losing you. We're losing you. You're like, you know, like... Okay, there we go.

Rainbow. Yep, sorry. I'm on a cruise ship. I forgot to say that part. I'm in the middle of the ocean right now. Oh, la-la. I'm in the water on a booze. I know.

I can see two cargo ships from where I am. There is no land. I hope you make it home. Made it to Florence. I'm like, sweet. I have 10 minutes to get from the bus terminal to the airport in Florence. Oh, gosh. The train is gone.

I'm dragging this knockoff. luggage suitcase thing I got behind me. Yeah. It's busts open. Oh. I slammed everything into it. No. Well, at least you were covered in puke.

That's true, at least. Yeah. At least there's that. The vomit was kind of like incognito vomit. So like I know that the West Potus vomit, no one else. I'm pretty sure they all know. Yeah, yeah. Based off of just proximity.

That girl smells like bile. She couldn't possibly have puked on herself. Like, but she kind of probably had thrown up on a bus full of lovely strangers she gave her candy. No, that'd be wild. So I see a taxi. I have $50 to my name at this point. I'd say $20 for a taxi. I get to the airport. There's five minutes until the airfronts check-end desk closes. I'm like, okay, you've got this. Like, this is your moment. It's going to be like inspirational, Rocky music playing when you make it. I put my backpack on and I'm wearing a dress. And as I'm running, I'm like, why do I feel so cold? Like, what's going on? And the backpack has pulled my entire rear skirt up.

The whole time I was running through the Florence airport, my entire app was off. Let Dolce. I'm covered in vomit. My suitcase exploded. I lost some clothes and I spent 20 euros that I did not have to spend. Yeah. Since the next two weeks in France with 30 euros. Two weeks?

30 euros. What'd you do? Let me tell you. I lived off a giant baby bell and like free samples from the hospital. I'm a baby bell. How big can the baby bells That's a baby? It's like a wheel of babybell?

It's the size of your palm. I'm sorry though, but you were in Europe and the cheese that you got was baby bell? You're like, I'm not going to get a fancy. Oh, that's true. They give that up for free. That's true. Yeah, in France.

That's true. You were eating biscop. Yeah, yeah. They level cafe tables with baby bells there. Books and baby bells. There was also McDonald's across the street, so don't worry. I just spend a euro on a McDonald's. McDonald's.

I was wondered why those were so packed in your own. Because everyone vomited on themselves. Yeah, yeah. People love burgers. Yeah, people love burgers, you know. You sure do. Yeah, like, I'm like this like farm girl from Indiana who peaked in herself and then made someone's day by showing them my ass.

And like, I have to live with that the rest of my life. You know what? Yeah, exactly. You made someone's day and that's fine. You sure did. And now you're on a ship in the ocean. You are living the life. You are land-hearted.

I know. This is what be, this is why you go get a liberal arts degree, guys. Where are you going on the cruise ship? Actually, back to Florida. I'm a contractor with NASA, and I got a week off and amidst everything going on. I just needed to not be in the federal government area for a little bit. Such a crazy sentence. Nice.

Yeah. Well, cool. Thank you for the call. Thanks for my drama. Good luck with the government. Good luck with the government job. That must be fun. That must be awesome and stable.

I was right, guys. Yeah. Hope you have a fun. Pena Colada. Yeah. All right. Thank you, Catherine. I'm going to go drink my palms away.

Okay. All right. Bye-bye. All right, we got time for one last call. We have Mark from Virginia. And it's an Amsterdam call. Everyone knew I just needed a field close to home. Yeah, this is all catering to Hannah Pilkis today.

What's up, Mark? You got me and Hannah here. Hey, hi. Hi. Hey, Hannah. Yeah. I want to know if you remember, I called a long time ago when you were doing the concerts. Yes.

I was a dude that pissed in the cup and it brought the cup and it pissed all over the guy in front of me. Yes, yes. Classic piss cup guy. I do remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anything piss-related, it's locked in. You're like, I'm here to tell it again.

Yeah, yeah. It happened a second time. Oh, no, I won't tell that one again. Oh. But in Amsterdam in 1988, I went over to visit my brother who was studying in Austria, me and a couple of his high school buddies. And we get up there and it's New Year's Eve. And I'll tell you, I always tell people, if Satan lives anywhere,

it's in Amsterdam on New Year's Eve, we went out and we scored this incredible Moroccan black hash. And then I decided to stay sober. where they all smoked it to the point where they can barely function. One guy filled up a bathtub with ice water, we just keep dunking his head into the ice water and try to get himself to sober up. Oh, Braxton. Oh, there's no high, like too high. Still high.

I go down, I go down into like a little thick. Because we were at a hostel, too. And so I go down into the square around where the hostel's at. Amsterdam. It's right about midnight. And there's fireworks going off. People are taking like M80s or H-100 or the equivalent of them. What is that?

Is that a radio? Firecracker. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but they're putting them in glass bottles and rolling them into the square so that they blow the glass supplies like Troutnel. Well, yeah, you want shrapnel. Of course, someone's got to get hurt. Yeah.

It's New Year's Eve. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The next morning we wake up, you know, and we're barely able to function. I got drunk, but I didn't get high. Sure.

We're barely able to function. We're walking out of Amsterdam. And there was like garbage cans would just smoke billowing out of them. I mean, like I said, it was like, a state lived anywhere. It was there. But we had all this black hash left over, and we're trying to figure out what to do. So I was wearing these old Timberland boots from back of those days. I took that black hash and I stubbed it up.

underneath the soul of my boot. And then we take the train back across to the Germany. I'm on there passed out and a dog or at the border, the German guards bring a drug dog down. My foot's sticking out into the aisle. And this dog comes walking out. But right before they walk that dog down, they walked a coffee cart. right in front of it. So it killed whatever

smell it might have possibly had. It's really oily Moroccan black hash. Wow. But you're saying is if you have drugs, just carry a cup of coffee. Yeah, yeah, just push a coffee cart in front of you. Put all your hash on the coffee.

When you go to the airport, push a coffee cart in front of you if you're going to try to smuggle drugs. Yeah, I would probably still be stuck in a prison right now, Germany, if you had walked I think that. And then just as a quick thing, I was in Italy one time. I was stationed there when I was in the Navy.

And I was out with some girls that were friends that were brand new. I'd been there about a year so I could speak a little bit of the language. We're out eating. And one of the girls who's brand new there looks at me and he goes, hey, you know, she knew I can speak the language. I just started by period. And I don't have anything with me. Is there any way you could try to go and get me some tampons?

And I didn't have my little book with me or, you know, to get a pad. So I go out trying to find some little store, like a little drug store or something that might carry these things. And I'm pantomiming this stuff to some old Italian couple that owned this store about like, you know, pushing like blood coming out, down, all this different shit. And they looked at me with like, like, I was like a biggest herbert and trying to ask if they had hookers or something. They gave you a morning after. No, no, no, no. No, you can't shed a uterus in here. Oh, my God, I tell you, I don't know, it was horrible.

I think my favorite part of the story. It was the Amsterdam one was, oh, go ahead. I just think it's funny that you said on New Year's Eve, you were the sober one, and then later you're like, I was just drunk. Like, okay, so you didn't do Moroccan black hash. What I mean by that is I wasn't, yeah, I wasn't blasted on my cell on Moroccan black hair. So, but when you get to Germany, you scream. You guys all scrape it off your boot and smoke it, right?

That was the plan. It was in the soul. I peeled up the liner, like whatever it is, the cushion. And I peeled it up. Oh, you put it inside your breath. That's smart. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.

Down underneath, like, between the rubber and the sole. And then I put it down and in my head, my nasty, stinky socks and everything that I've been wearing for two weeks. But don't your boots then smell like hash when you come back through any other airport? Not with a coffee cart. Don't forget. You know what? Probably, but nobody walked, nobody walked to drug dogs by me when I flew back to the United States, so I was lucky. You just have to get a collapsible coffee cart.

But then as a follow-up to that, about three weeks later, I'm back at college going I went to Kent State, and I'm sitting there at Kent, and I got a letter in the mail, and it's from my brother, and I open it up, and inside of the, this letter is a little thing, a black hat with just taped to the inside of the letter. And he had said it from Austria to me, the regular male, in the mail. And it was taped inside of this letter. And so that night I went and got, I went and smoked up with some friends and we got all done.

And I was an R.A. But I didn't care. I smoked in my room. Sure. That's so insane to just put it in an envelope. I can smell weed across the hall, let alone in a. thin envelope. Wow. Wow. Well, Mark, from pissing on people to hash in your shoe, you've lived a life, buddy.

Good for you, Mark. Yeah, but I definitely have lived a life, that's for sure. All right. Well, thanks for the call, man. Call us back some other time. Bye, Mark. Oh, yeah. Hey, have fun with your dancing coming up. Oh, thank you so much. Thank you. All right. Hannah, that was fun. That was fun. That was fun.

We didn't have a lot of calls, but they were good calls. What do you think your favorite was? I think I got to go, Michael from Amsterdam. Yeah, I mean, that was a real saga. That was a real journey. It had blood. It had sex. Yes.

It had paper condoms. It had hostels. It had Pisco Sauer. It had community service, people helping out coming together to help an American. Yeah. That's great. It was great. Cudos, Michael.

Of course, I'm a sucker for Amsterdam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, yeah, but I mean, there was a lot of Dutch stuff, the Grand Canyon stuff. People were really catering to you today. I think, and they knew what I needed. They really were. That's really nice. In this political climate, they knew what I needed.

Tell me about it. Cheesh. All right, well, guys, Hannah is doing a show at the Elysians, so check her out there. What's it called? It's called skiing. Skiing. Oh, that's, I mean, and it's about swimming. That's exactly right. It's about swimming.

Or watch her on Leanne on Netflix or Hacks on HBO. and thanks for calling. And thank you, Hannah, for being here. That was a lot of fun. What a delight. And I'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter-Call-in show. All right, there's the music. That means we're really leaving.

All right, stay tuned for whatever's next on this channel. I don't know.