The Three Questions with Andy Richter - James Adomian: Church Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

Comedian James Adomian joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your CHURCH STORIES! They also give an update on Andy's "Dancing with the Stars" journey!Want to call in to a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask a question.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Hi, everybody. How are you? I'm a little under the weather. Got a little bit of, well, I'm getting over the flu. You know, what are you going to do? So the voice isn't top-notch.

were just hugging and kissing me. Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. You didn't tell me. No, I'm over the hump. Don't worry about it. There's no flu left. This is all just remnants.

But anyway, this is the Andy Richter-Callin show. We're talking church stories today. You can give us a call at 855-266-2-604 and get in on it. And I have a very funny guest here, James Adomian. Been here before. Good to see again, Andy. Good to see you. Always.

How's things? How's your, how's the end of, summer fall shaping up for you we had the rain back to school yeah the one day of rain i it's always the first big rain after the summers when i clock it as oh now it's fall yeah yeah here in l.a at least right exactly and it's like you know can't go to the beach anymore because it's full of toxic swill and you can't go hiking anymore because uh there's landslides right but you can walk around on the sidewalk yes yes nice i'm enjoying that yeah yeah yeah and it does it It does kind of like cut the dust a little bit.

It's a beautiful. The layer of dust that's on everything here. You can see the mountains. This is the time of year, right after it rains in L.A., where the old Channel 9 broadcasting, what was his name? K-Cal 9, from the desert to the sea to all of Southern California. Because you can see it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jerry Dunphy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He had hair that was white, the color of the white part of a peppermint. Yeah, yeah. From the desert to the sea to all of Southern. Southern California. Good evening. I'm Jerry Dunfe. From the desert to the sea. That is so self-aggrandizing, too.

Right. Like they're listening to me. My voice is spreading across all geographic features. That was an important thing when the mechanics of broadcasting was new to somebody. Yeah, yeah. From the desert to the sea. Electronic signals coming through a speaker to your ears. Yes. Reaching your ears, my words, turned into electronic. He does that anymore. Nobody cares.

They're like, you're listening the way you always do. Right, right, right. And it doesn't matter. Everything goes everywhere. You have your latest comedy special, Path of Most Resistance, is available on YouTube now. That's correct.

Yes. And are you touring? You can check out Jamesodomian.com. Well, that's the... You can check it out, and you can see what it would look like if I was touring. Oh, I see.

You can see the fonts. You can see the section laid out. Yeah, the possible dates at cities that are TBD. Right, right. That's the boilerplate bio, I said. Yeah, yeah. That's all I've got left. Well, do you still do tours much?

Yeah, I was just in a bunch of places. I'm going to go to several cities around Southern California. I haven't promoted it yet, but in November, December, I'm going to Ventura, Santa Barbara Palm Springs. Oh, nice. I'm doing a local tour. Sure, sure. Wrap the year up. Keep it easy.

From the desert to the sea to all of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, there you go. Exactly. Well, we're talking church stories this week. Are you, I mean... I've been there. Yeah. Yeah.

Now, you're from an Armenian family. Yes, but... Were you Orthodox or anything? No. That's... The Armenian church is the apostolic church. Oh, apostolic church. They're, you know, founded by an apostle, so they're very proud of that.

Oh, well. But, no, my grandfather was Armenian apostolic. He was a scientist. I don't know how much he believed in it, but he was a member. I grew up in like Pentecostal churches because my dad had swung over to the Bible thumping. Oh, wow. Sometime in college, I guess, or right before it or something. He went to some like, he grew up in Georgia, so he went to some like revival tent preacher

where they're literally like thumping a Bible, this kind of thing. And then we were in that world, my whole childhood, in both Atlanta and L.A. Wow. So I was at churches where you would speak in tongues and things. But the ones, they weren't snake handlers. They had like a suit and tie and they'd smell real nice. Yeah, yeah. I'm a business.

They're classy. They're not trashy. Yeah, I'm a businessman. I do speak in tongues, but I'm very, very classy. Yeah, yeah. And I have strong, conservative, right-wing opinions, but I can smile. Yeah, yeah. I'm sort of like our family was whatever church was closest.

whatever Protestant church was closest was kind of the and nobody ever was there although when my mom and dad split up and my mom was kind of MIA for a while just emotionally you know she came we moved back in with or we moved in with my grandparents with her parents and then she was waiting tables and I you know and I just don't think she was on top of things and she kind of left me and my brother to my grandmother and my grandmother started taking us to some Baptist church because my grandmother was raised by missionaries she was born in China to Swedish missionaries so she's there's a her on her side there's a very sort of like very conservative Bible thumping kind of you know like the pearl s buck yeah yeah yeah um but she was taking us to this Baptist this Baptist church that was like

all fucking day. Like we would go for Sunday school and then there would be kids Sunday service. Like we would have a kid's service and then we'd have to go to the regular service. So it felt like it was like from 8 to noon or something, you know, every day or every Sunday. I remember they wanted you. There was never an upper limit to how much they wanted you in church. Yeah. We went to this, like, the most conservative possible church in Santa Monica.

Yeah. Of all places, you're like, Santa Monica. Right. Movies, surfing, marijuana in the streets. Yeah, yeah. No, there's religious kookery here. There's a deep history of it. So we went to this church that was their, one of their mottos was like, we're retaking

Santa Monica for Christ, you know, this kind of thing. Back in the 90s. Retaking it, because he had it once. Christ owned the shit out of that. down right and and and i remember they like they wanted you if you played the game the way you're supposed to it was you're supposed to be every day at six a.m. prayer yeah yeah and like i went a couple times as a teenager and stuff but i was like that's asking a lot i don't see this in the bible yeah yeah yeah yeah that's um my mom my mom when she was kind of coming out of her emotional funk and uh she found i came

home and told her because there was this like and in my in my memory there was this woman who would lead sort of the children's services who was a giant i in my mind she was six foot five or something in my childhood memory but she gave a whole sermon about how about christmas and that anything that isn't about the baby jesus is of satan like santa claus is of satan wow and She was a Santa Claus purist. Yeah, I came home and told my mom that. And my mom was like, went to her mom. She's like, mom, you're not taking him there anymore.

You're not taking him there. You better find, if you can take him to church, but you've got to take him to another one. That woman, like a few years later, was caught poisoning a Santa in a mall. Probably. It's like force-feeding him poisoning him. Right, exactly.

Or her whole family, like slowly dosing them with, I don't know, colloidal silver to wait for the spaceship. Those who love Christ Appear as Smurfs All right, let's go to the phones We're looking for church stories We got Jake from Lexington You got me, you got James

Hey, guys, what's going on? Hey, Jake, how are you? I'm doing well, I'm doing well Can I do it as Tom Likis real quick? Yeah, yeah, you do it. Jake from Lexington, you're over Tom, yellow. Do you care? I care very much.

care very much. So go ahead. Tell us your story, bud. All right. So maybe about 15 years ago, a friend of mine got married. And while we're in the church for the ceremony, the bride comes in, everybody's standing. And before the preacher has everybody sit, you know, it's very quiet. Somebody, a couple of pews ahead of me, farts. And I think he was trying to slip out one, kind of quiet, but it came out like a quick trumpet blast. Just pop. And April's, Immediately after that, yeah, yeah, immediately after that, he coughed, like, ugh, like, I think he was trying to play it off, like he just coughed. It was something else. Could have been the chair creaking.

It was the best. Nobody else around me seemed to notice it, and I spent the rest of the wedding ceremony just trying not to hysterically laugh. And, I mean, really, really needing to hold it in, and I'm, like, convulsing and everything. There's a woman across the aisle that keeps looking over at me, and then suddenly I realized, She thinks I'm trying not to cry and really I'm just trying not to laugh. And that gets me going even harder and, you know, finally at the end when they say, you know, now pronounce you man in life, everybody's cheering. I'm just in the back laughing and nobody knows what's going. I don't know how nobody else seemed to notice it but me.

Well, he who smelt it dealt it. Right, exactly. Issycule 413. Yeah, yeah. Sounds to me like you're trying like, yeah, somebody else did. It wasn't me. yeah yeah all right well thank you jake i hope i hope they're i hope those people are still married and very happy yeah and i hope the farted it went to help they are they are all right thank you jake

thank you guys all right next up we got sarah from south carolina hello hi hey so i have a pretty funny story for you guys okay okay okay so So I grew up in the Midwest, and in the Midwest, it's kind of some people go to church, some people don't. Yes. My parents were involved in church when they were kids, but when they got married, they kind of floated away from it, and they had kids, all the sorts. So when we were growing up, we didn't know anything about church. And then I was six, my brother was eight, and we kind of got curious. And so my mom was like, okay, you know, I'll take you guys to church.

You guys can form your own opinion. So we started going to church. We did it for a couple months. She took us a couple times a week, just because she had some friends there that she was catching up with. And at the end of it, she was like, so how do you guys like it? You know, forming your own opinion, what's going on? And we were like, we love it, we love it. But can we only go on Tuesdays?

She was like, okay, yeah, sure. So we started going on Tuesdays, and only Tuesdays. Why did you pick Tuesday? Oh, because that's when they served the fresh Brownies. And so the only reason me and my brother wanted to go to church was some brownies. That's hilarious. And as soon she caught on to that, she decided that it was time for us to stop going to church. Oh, well, then now that's not fair.

I mean, she could have looked at those brownies as like a gift from the Lord. Yeah, yeah. Jesus fed the 500 fatties with the little brownies. Exactly. Exactly. And as if going to church is not a transactional sort of operation anyway. The things that pull you into church as a kid where I remember loving Sunday school because you got to do crayons and draw pictures of animals and stuff and Noah's Ark stuff. And that was like, that was the best part of the week.

Absolutely. I could draw anything. That Baptist church that I was telling you about, they would do, I don't know, it was like some day of the month. when they would do baptisms and it was it was behind a panel in the back of the altar it would open up and then there was like a full immersion tank in the back like in this hidden little nook and that was so cool to me it was like an indoor pool yeah yeah and then the you know the guy the reverend would get back in there and like really dunk the person right but but they wouldn't then they'd like dry off and come out from

the like a side door but it like it seems like they should have gotten the altar all wet too you know it's a little too sanitized they should yeah they should have like dunk somebody opened a whole like water main and just flooded the church every time yeah yeah that's a baptism of sorts all right well sarah do you go do you go to church anymore no I have not found that same brownie recipe anywhere else. Yeah, you've got to find it. You've got to find a church. I'm on the search.

Yeah, just, you know, salt and a brownie is a secret ingredient that really makes it worthwhile. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right. Well, thank you, Sarah. Thank you, guys. Have a great day.

All right. All right. We're at 855-266-2-404. If you've got a share, a story you want to share with us. You're calling you the Andy. Victor Colleen Show. Let's see, Andy Richard Golden Show. 855-266-260.

I can only do this voice today. I can't do any, can't do a lot of, a lot of projection. Next up, we got Hope from Ohio. I guess there's no more Hope. Okay. Ah, there is Hope in Ohio. Sorry. Many apologies.

That's all right. Don't worry about it. My story, I was probably about someone in the range of five and ten is my guest. I can't really remember. I was very young. And we had this vacation Bible school at the Bible I go to. Like, it's a church. And I didn't understand a lot of things.

And I was a huge animal lover. And they decided to do a story about, like, the blood of Christ. And so they had these little cups with, like, red fruit punch. And they told us it was the blood of lamps. and I just start crying and I'm like you killed lambs and then the other kids around me they all start crying so it's a room probably about 20 or so kids just all crying because they killed lambs yeah yeah and um this is also like a day after they had like a petting zoo um which just made it completely like first yeah yeah what do you think those lambs are here for kids

Yeah But then they're like It's just fruit punch It's just fruit punch Wow I love having to walk back The transubstantiation Of the ritual

And be like no stop crying Yeah yeah yeah It's not the blood of the layer Right right right Okay okay you got us It's just juice It's bullshit The whole thing's a hoax

Stop crying it's Kool-A Yeah yeah Well did you guys Did you guys understand Did you understand too That you were going to drink it That you were supposed to drink it Yeah

And a couple kids that had just started to drink it, like, spit it out. And they had to bring in, like, the janitors. Because that red does not come out of carpet. Yeah. I love that now there's a room full of kids crying with blood coming out of their mouth. Lamb's blood pouring out of their mouth. What is this? Horror film.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I do feel bad for the people teaching the kids because that, how do you make that? work for kids you know like god part of what we do like the main one of our main ways to you know to like really signify that we're that we're with jesus is oh a while ago he said he took some wine he said it was his blood and everyone should drink it well what we've limited cannibalism to one guy yeah who's cool with it and wants us to eat him yes yes and us among the churches have had bitter wars about whether it really is him

or not. Yes. Yes, exactly. Only a couple hundred years ago. Throwing people out of windows if they believed or didn't believe that the biscuit turned into his flesh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, people. Oh, people. They're a lot of fun.

All right, well, I hope thank you so much for the call. Have a lamb's blood for me, too. Yeah, yeah. Go get, yeah, go. I will. Make up a cocktail. A fruit punch. and Jen kind of thing. Could I get a piggle back? All right, let's go to the phones again.

Let's go to Rogers. From Virginia, Rogers. Are you there? Yeah, how are you and guys doing? We're doing good. How are you? Hi. Good.

So I ended up vomiting in church on one Christmas Eve. Nice. Was it the eggnog? I don't think it was. I don't think it was the eggnog. I'm the youngest before, and I'm the youngest before. I think a virus was going, usually one of us was sick during the wintertime, and it usually got, it got to the four of us. So I think it was the last one to have gotten it.

And we were in Virginia? In Virginia, yes, southwest. Okay. With 1,500 people in one stoplight, if that I'll give you any idea. So we were all printing prop? Were you in the pew? Were you in the pew when it happened? I was in the pew when it happened.

We were all prim and proper dressed up in our Christmas Eve best and just not feeling really well when started to dry heaves. Fall on your knees. And so what made it even better? I think there's a psychosomatic happen to same thing. It's happened again next year. No way. You puked twice. At Christmas time?

It's a sign from the Lord. Yeah, no, I'm surprised people started didn't talk in demonic possession. Sorry, my words aren't coming out. That sounds like a demon is what I'm all flustered. Two Christmases in a row. It's a demon that's not in a hurry. Yeah, yeah.

He just comes around once a year. He's not too worked up about Christ. But on Christ's birthday, then like, you know what it is. It's that demon St. Nick. He's making these kids. vomit once a year. That devil Santa. That devil Santa Claus.

I think that's, I think you nailed it James. But so my mom, my mom was the saint that she is after the service was over, went back and cleaned it up. Oh, that's nice. That's good. Now, it's hard to get the smell out. It's, yeah. Without ruining the color of the carpet or whatever. You have to get baking soda and vinegar, but then now it's going to smell like that.

Yeah. Vomit just makes me want to, like, give up and move somewhere else. I don't know how to clean it. Yeah, yeah. Now everything just looks like a baking soda spot. All right, well, Rogers, I hope you... Yeah, go ahead. Oh, James, before I go, can you blow me up?

You got it. Let me take you out Santa Claus style. Thank you, Rogers. Oh, ho, ho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, 1-800-5-800-800- Tom. Is he still alive? I think he's alive, but not famous anymore. Tell people who you're, I mean.

Tom Likis was this rate, like, afternoon shock jock. Yeah. And he was the afternoon drive here in Los Angeles and he was read nationwide. Yeah. And he had the standard idiot broadcaster voice, but then he made it like a bad boy. Yeah, yeah. And his whole thing, he had been, he had been. the liberal alternative to Rush Limbaugh when I was a little kid.

And then he switched at some point, he realized, like, there's way more money being a real jerk. Yeah, being around. And the whole thing was women want to submit to a man. Let me tell you. And he would be outrageous and get people to call in and either be like, I agree with you, Tom. I get late because of you. Or, like, Tom, you don't know what you're saying, but you're calling in, which means you're listening, which means I win. And, uh, I mean, if you can't tell.

I was just a super fan of his art his artistry. I saw him one time at LAX and I I was like 90% sure it was Tom Likis. He was a wig wearer, was he not?

Yeah, tall, tall sloppy like a kind of shirt that had multiple stains and not walking well. Like heavy, tall, big, sloppy. It looked like he'd fallen halfway into some Coca-Cola and then like got up or whatever

and kind of stumbling out of the LAX terminal and I almost went up and like messed with him but I was like what if he's just some unhealthy old guy? Right, right. And how rude to be like, are you Tom Likis? Oh, well, you know, I mean... But in hindsight

I'm like, it was him. Yeah, yeah. I should have said something. Yeah, especially because you're such a devotee. Right, right. I'm holding up the cult of Tom Likin. That's right. That's right. I haven't even thought of Tom Likis in years now. I'm sorry to bring him back. Yeah, yeah. That's all right. No, no. The call-in show reminds me of the worst version of it.

It is because there's... Full lights open. Yeah, and this doesn't exist much anymore. There's not... There was so much of that, our whole lives. Yeah, I guess everybody, Sirius XM, it killed the radio star. No. Radio killed itself.

Well, uh... And streaming and all that, too. Podcasting, a lot of people started listening to iPods and things more than the radio. Yeah, yeah. And I think it peaked in the 90s. It still exists. But it was a whole world. Yeah.

Let's go back to the phones. If you got a church story for us, 855-266-2-604. We've got Anna calling in from Oklahoma City. Hello. Hi, Anna. Hi. So my mom was a housekeeper for a local really big, big church in Oklahoma City. And they had one of those baptism things in the back of their pews.

like you were talking about earlier, and it would open up. Well, my mom would be busy, like, yeah, cleaning the bathrooms or whatever. So she would tell us to go, like, take a nap and a pews or, you know, go play down in the worship center or whatever. But I would just slip out and take, like, the majority of my clothes off and go slip into the pool and use it as a pool. I did it all summer, and she didn't know it. And there was somebody catch you or no, somebody did catch you or no? Yeah. One of the other ladies, because like they would feed the homeless in the morning time.

Yeah. And I think she was going into like one of the closets to get supplies. And she heard me in there. She heard sloshing. And I was like, oh. And I had to get out. I didn't give her a reason because I didn't have a reason to be in. there. I was just in there. And my mom was like, not mad, but kind of mad that I did it. And

um, I, I quit sneaking in there because I was afraid of getting in trouble again, but I'll never forget that. Yeah. Now, how would you dry off? Would you just air dry until you could get your clothes back on? No, they had towels there, like ready for baptism and set out. And they They had, like, little, like, locker rooms to go in and change into your clothes. And so that's where it would, like, my stuff tucked away. Wow. No one would find me. I love that it's set up like a pool.

Yeah, it's like a health club. There was a little, um, lifesaver on the wall. It was what? It was really, really big. It was big. It was bigger than my bathtub at home. So I was like, man. That's great.

They had, like, no rough housing, no horse plows. rules on the side. No diarrhea. No diarrhea. I don't have to be careful, though, because if I got my hair wet, then she would know. So I could only get, like, wet from the neck down. That's fair. And you didn't tell your siblings ever?

Like, you didn't get the end in on it? No, I was afraid he would drown. So I would just let him take a nap. I can't believe. That's, I, what, why would they have it full of water all year? Cost, my. That sounds like, that's a real drowning danger. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you mean a secret waterhole that's in the middle of a building? Yeah, with children wandering around. It looks real cool. And there's the Christ of the Lord right above it. Yeah, yeah. So you could be chasing God and fall into. Oops. I don't know.

Well, I'm glad that you got some, you know, that they got some extra use. You know, aside from washing away sins, you also, you know, you got a little sort of get a few lapsing. Yeah, a vacation, a staycation. It was a good summer. Yeah. It was a good summer. All right. Well, thank you, Anna.

All right, thank you. Bye. All right, bye-bye. Jeff from California, he's up next. Hi, guys. Hi, Jeff. Hello, Mr. Jeff. So, I'm actually the pastor of a small church.

Okay. Is Jeff your real name, or are you incognito? It is one of my name. Ah, nice. It is not my first name. Okay. But I mean, I'm not here to, like, spill the gossip on anybody. It's just we have a lot of people that kind of wander in once in a while, and they're all usually very sincere, but, you know, sometimes they're a little off.

And we had a guy show up one Sunday, and he sat through the service, and he came up afterwards, and he said, I want you to know that I go from church to church and I heal people. And I was immediately looking for my assistant pastor, because he's usually the one that bails me out when I, dealing with somebody that's, you know, maybe, maybe a little off. Yeah, yeah. And so he said, he said, is there anything I can pray for you? And I said, well, actually, you know, my knee's really bothering me. And he said, okay, so on a scale of one to ten, how bad's the pain? And I said, I don't know, a seven.

It's okay, let's pray. So he prays for me. And he says, well, what is it now? And I went, oh, no, I know where this is going. He's not going to let me go until it's a zero. And I said, I don't know, a five. And he's like, okay, let's pray again. And so he prays again.

And I just silently prayed. I said, Lord, please just for a moment, let it be a zero so I don't have to lie to lie to this guy. Because I'm too much of a coward to stop him and go, that's not how any of this works. Right, right. And so miraculously, for that moment, it was a zero. And he just, he went on his way. And a few minutes later, my assistant pastor comes in, and he's got this really dejected

look on his face. And I said, what's wrong? And he goes, that guy that visited today came up and asked me how my pain was. And I said, oh, no. And I told him and, and he prayed for me. And I figured out he wasn't going to let me go. And I said, what did you do? And he goes, man, I just lied to him and told him I was healed. So I felt better because I wasn't the only coward in the building. yeah but but you did for a moment you were without pain so this guy was a vessel of the lord in some way not the way he intended but still by being his gift his gift was uh the saint paul describes the gifts yeah uh right there's a gift that he doesn't get mentioned which is being very annoying yeah yeah the gift of putting up and getting rid of We figured out later that the reason this guy probably thinks he has the gift of healing is because he goes around and people will lie to him and tell him, you know what? I feel better just to get away from the conversation. Yeah, yeah.

And so I felt a little guilty to be part of that, but I thought it was pretty funny that my assistant pastor came in all flustered. Yeah, yeah. Because he ran into the same problem and just pulled the rip cord and bailed out. Right. And bailed out. Yeah, I'm healed. Well, he has less of a moral crisis than you do, I guess. I can't wait until this enables him to rise to a televangelist level like Benny Hinn having mass meetings.

Yeah. Annoying people into health and healing. I will annoy the world. Then I'll think it's my fault. I'll annoy the world into wellness. All right. Well, Jeff, thank you so much for calling in. Thanks, guys.

all right bye bye bye 855-266-2-604 is our number it's a good number it's a good number is a musical ring 855-26-2604 I almost want to you know the empire 5888-200 empire I all I did it one time at UCB we did a sketch where we did that live and came out rolling the floor out hammering it and then they were like no we got to go again so we had to roll it all all back up and then come out, 800, 5, 8.8. And, like, we were just, like, slapping a floor and windows out and then, like, undoing it. Yeah, yeah. The kind of thing you do when you're young.

Let's go back to the phone. Steve from Ohio. Hello. Hey, guys. How are you? Hi, Steve. Good. How are you?

Good, good. Well, I just, to clarify, is my voice being heard from the desert to the seas right now? That's true. It's being beamed up into space. It's being beamed up into space and then bounced back to the entire country. So actually. The entire continent, in fact. You've, you've really shown Jerry Dunphy to be a failure and a coward because your voice is now being pemed to lots of other geographical features.

And probably. And paces and canyons. All the stuff. Probably spilling off the satellite too and ended up like just going out into space. Yeah. You know. Yeah. Oh, man.

The, um, pressure. The Lagrange points are really hopping with your vocal cords right now. I don't know what that is. There are just nonsense gravity points around the earth. I love to derail a college show. With our gain knowledge. Let's talk about Lagrange points. Okay.

It's easy top, man. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. It's the 70s. I'm about 10. I should not have been doing this by less than neighborhood because I wanted comic books. I had money.

And Lawson's was nearby. They had decent comic books. but King Quick, another half mile up the road, way better comic books. Shouldn't have been there, but I'm walking, and I walk in, and I approach a corner, and his school bus comes pulling up from another direction. It's the middle of summer. It's no school buses out. And as I stop at the corner just in case, the guy pulls over, the door opens, you hear that,

and he goes, are you going to Brantwood Baptist vacation Bible school? And I looked at him, and I was kind of scared. I went, no, I'm going to King Quick. And the idea is, I think I missed that on the road to salvation for Spider-Man and a slush you probably. But that's the story. The irony of my field is a journey for that. No, or you got to live another day. Right.

Yeah. Was there anyone else in the bus or was it just the one guy? No. No. The bus, it was multi-colored kind of like Partridge family back in the day and it said Joy Bus on the side. Never be the first one in an empty bus. Oh, yeah. No, that, yeah, you dodged a bullet.

You didn't dodge salvation. Like a Partridge family bus, but the Partridge family has been killed. Yeah, just driving around in there. Hey, what's under these blankets in the back? Oh, nothing. Oh, it looks like a talented deceased family. They're all dressed alike. All right, well, thanks for the call, Steve.

Glad you didn't hop on that one. Have a good day. Thank you. Yes. All right. Justin from California. Hey, guys. How you doing?

Hi, oh, hello. Hey, thanks. Well, this goes back to the 80s in Jesuit school in Los Angeles, and they would give the boys a three-day retreat, and it was a silent retreat, and they would send you up to this retreat house, a beautiful old Spanish estate up in Montecito, gorgeous, maybe on, I don't know, probably 25 acres.

So it's huge. And on that was a large church and a place for novices to study to become priests. And, you know, boys being boys, it was supposed to be a silent retreat. Everyone got bored. I remember looking into the individual rooms at night. Some of the boys were dropping acid and kind of just staring at walls. Well, yeah. you can still be silent. Wait, at what age dropping acid?

High school. This is high. So it was senior. Okay. All right. That's the acid range. Sure. So, you know, the boredom started to take over, and we would hear a lot of activity coming from the novices kind of building, which was a newer building on the property. and they were cracking open beers and drinking at night. And they're not... Young priests do. They're not supposed to be...

They don't have to be silent, right? No, they don't have to be silent. So they're having big parties and we're sitting there. You know, the acid had worn off and everyone said we need something to do. So we had it over there. And they did have a lot of alcohol and beer and smoking cigarettes. And we got to know them. We had some drinks.

And this one guy that was with us was kind of relatively new. And he was a big smoker. And he was kind of from, I think he was from West Virginia. And I'm not sure if that's relevant. But he seemed a little more mature. He liked smoking. He didn't really talk a lot. And he kind of, we were drinking.

And then we ended up in a sacriacy because we ran out of, ran out of alcohol and they were they were giving us wine that's what that's like that's where they keep all the the stuff communion stuff yeah yeah yeah so we had to raid rate the wine from the sacristy in the back and that wine is not good well you're in high school you're desperate yeah we we were all there and having drinks and uh The guy from West Virginia was smoking and with the nopses. And we kept smoking and drinking. And actually, he was the only one smoking.

Sorry to say that. He was the only one smoking. And we were drinking. And we left. He stayed. It was just getting, you know, it was getting late. We went. He stayed behind.

And then we left the next morning, early the next morning to go back after it was over, and we got later that morning back at school, when we arrived back at school, there was a call. And from our principal brought us in, we were all brought in, and it was very upset, obviously. And, oh, you didn't get away with it? Well, that's what we thought. We thought we were in trouble for that. But what, what had actually happened was this kid from West Virginia had been smoking and he had thrown his cigarette butt into the trash can and the sacristy and the whole church burned down in flames. Oh my God.

Oh, my God. And burnt to the ground. Wow. And so I don't think anything happened to him, but it was. They burned old Jesus now. did they now were they were they calling you in to just let you know hey freaky shit man the church just burned down or were they saying you know do you know anything about the church burning down well i i think the novices were pointing the fingers that uh the one kid's smoking and trying to finger him but you know i don't think they could ever i don't think they ever proved could ever prove and nothing ever happened but they weren't they weren't looking to you for information or anything it wasn't like an investigation they just were sort of it was a bit of an investigation

you know these was who were you in there yeah yeah yeah so we said yeah we're in there but we didn't yeah we don't know anything about smoking oh you didn't you didn't rat out the west virginia kid we no we didn't rat them out we had enough problems you didn't need to go down for that but uh yeah that was uh it was you know And then that property, I think, because of all the other things that were going on, they had to sell it. That became, I think, Joseph Campbell's estate.

Oh. A philosopher. Wow. How about that? So I didn't know the hero's journey involved living in a burned out church. Yeah, living in a burned out church. I was just going to say you guys did learn about the wages of sin, though. It is true.

You hadn't been so sinful, the church should still be there. and Joseph Campbell would have lived somewhere else. Yeah, he would never have gotten that other book out. Yeah, yeah, that other book. The hero's journey. Yeah, yeah. The hero with a thousand faces. Yeah, yeah.

I love the video of him with the CBS reporter, the Bill Moyer or something. And he's like, he's got this old American intellectual voice that you just don't hear anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've studied these cultures and let me tell you it's fascinating. Yeah. I would just want to go back in time with those guys. All right, well, Justin, thank you so much. Yeah, have a great day, guys.

Thank you. Smoke if you got them. Yeah, smoke them if you got them. But don't throw them in the trash can. All right, next up, we got Ben from Philly. Ben. Hey, Andy. How are you?

A.k.a. Rush Limbaugh, I guess. Close. He's many different people. The liberals out there. My formerly nicotine stained finger, unfortunately, I can do that impression, too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what an unpleasant person to become for a few moments. Yeah, boy. You really pick them.

This is the downside of enjoying playing bad guys is that everybody, he's like, hey, do that bad guy. Yeah, yeah, that loath some creature. Be him. Rush limbo. He loved pronouncing letters that weren't in his name. Rush a limbo. No, it's not that many consonants or vowels.

Sorry. So, Ben, go ahead. Here's with your story. Yeah. So, growing up, I was actually part of my aunt's church. And I'll say it was a fair. big parish, like usually a thousand people every Sunday, and there was an equal amount of kids in the catechism classes. And I'll admit I was not a very obedient kid. Like there were certain

things like, you know, I'm Catholic. So there was a time where I took communion without going through the actual, like, service. Gotcha. And there was also, like, Catechism and all that. There was a time where, yes, and there was a time where we did research on a profit, and I participated with a classmate sheet

and made this cute little, like, uh, some sort of, uh, uh, model of like, a house of sorts. And then I just copied and pasted all this information from Wikipedia and I just read from top to bottom straight about this profit rather than just doing my own research. It put too much work into it. But there was a time where I was absent for an extended length of time. And by the time I got back, my teacher, and she had the audacity of like one of those, like,

mean nuns at like a girl's only Catholic school, where she just put me in front of the class and just started listing off, like, how, like, how long I was gone for X amount of weeks and just basically just put me out there and said, oh, this boy's a thinner. Like, she put me, like, worse than the class clown. Like, she just humiliated me in front of the class like that. So, you know, nowadays, you know, I respect just the morals and everything. But back then, I never really took church. And this was just Sunday school.

This was just Sunday school that you were skipping out on. It wasn't school school. No, no, no, no. This was catechism classes. Like, I mean, there was a time where I was just like, you know, just. I got you. And did your parents care that you were skipping them? Were they aware?

I will say that my, well, my grandparents were very religious. So they wanted me to go with the, they were very passionate. My mom was kind of following in the footsteps. My dad, not so much. He was very sort of free flowing, you know, just like, you know, do what you want. So there are more free speech sort of participants. All right.

But now, I just went with my aunts and stuff and a lot of people there. I think the Lord will love you anyway. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. That would be a more successful theology to me. That's my theory. That's mine. God's probably good.

God's all right with a lot of stuff. Look around. He's pretty laid back. He'll be fine. Every sermon is like that? Yeah, yeah. Hey, look, guys, you should probably not do crazy shit. But whatever, you know.

Anyway, amen. See you next week. All right, thanks, Ben. Amen. Thank you, man. Amen. Yeah, and I hope you get better, Randy. Oh, thank you.

I'm on the men. I'm recovering from the flu. Yeah, I got the Tama flu. I'm ready to go. All right. Well, hopefully you bounce back and you act like it never happened. All right. Thanks, Ben.

All right, next stop. I think this is going to be our last one. We got Steve from North Carolina. Hello, Steve. Hey, guys. How are you doing today? Good. How are you doing?

Pretty smooth. Doing pretty well. Nice. I've got another story about the miracle. of transubstantiation. Love it. Great. That's the word of day.

Seven, six or seven years old and raised Catholic on Long Island, we're at St. Elizabeth's in Huntington and show up for church with my dad and my sister sitting pretty close to the front. It was kind of a special day. They had the Monsignor, Monsignor Kane, who had to have been at least like 95 years old. I think they would like roll him out of like a start. sarcophagus from the basement on special occasions. The brother of him.

And so we're, you know, sitting there and the priest is doing all the Catholic things and gets to the part before communion where he's, you know, doing the whole, this is my body, eat it. This is my blood. Yo. Drink it. Yo, eat it. Top down.

Yeah. This is my blood. What the fuck you think you're supposed to do with it? drink it. Were you a mustard with that? Yeah. You like everything on it? Yeah, yeah.

Eat it with the relish. What part of your body is it? It's my cock. Oh, no. No, no, Lord, no. Yeah, it's got to go around. Only if it's a keybone. How do you think I feed all these people?

Yeah, that is true. It's very vague what part of the body. This is my body. What part? Just eat it. Incredible. How many. It's the back of the heel.

Yeah, yeah. It's right. It's a callus off my toe. And you're doing a very good impression of what church was like on Long Island. Thank you. But, you know, I'm probably paying attention for the first time, and they're going through this. And I just, I'm wide-eyed, and I just kind of whisper, yell to my dad. Oh, my God, Dad, they're a bunch of cannibals.

and just like everything like you know needle drop on the record just everything comes to a stop and everybody turns around and looks at me and then they just start cracking up monseigneur cane i think the one muscle in his face that works like cracks a little bit of a half a smile um so yeah yeah the cannibalism of trans substantiate i don't i don't even know how i knew what a cannibal was it was probably from like watching gilligan's island You were a Johnny Quest or something, yeah. Johnny Quest. What an animation triumph.

Yeah. Yeah, well, that the Bronz Sr. was probably like, yes, you're right, my son. You have found us out. Cannibals indeed. You know, in the old, in the ancient times, the Romans that persecuted the Christians early on, they believe, they were, they were, they would like go and send spies and like witness the underground church rich. and they were like, they eat babies because they thought that they were so accurate and lifelike with the communion back then.

They were like, they're doing, they're eating babies at their rituals and drinking the blood. Wow. So that was the reason the Romans killed all the Christians they could. And you're like, well, if that's what they believed, I could see how they come to that conclusion. Or it was so metal, that's why Christianity caught on. People were like, that is fucking dumb.

They're eating the babies, they're drinking the blood. Yeah, they're drinking the babies. They're eating the bloods. All right, well, Steve, thank you so much for the call. That would be a good... All righty. There should be more Christian metal like that where it's like, drink the blood.

Drink the blood. Taste my flesh. Transcitation. Well, we should pick a... Where you usually pick a favorite. These are very... Church brought out very rapid... short stories for some reason.

I don't know why. I think I'm going to go with the West Virginia kid setting fire to a church. Yeah. It has the splashiest sort of effect, you know? Runner up to me is the baptism pool. Yeah, that was pretty good, too. Good, good way to turn church fun. That's just like such, that's such, like, that is the genius of a child.

Oh, hey, look. There's a pool. I love I'll take a dip That's why they're dangerous Yeah yeah Because they're so fun Yeah yeah

I want to have fun in a way That could kill me I'm not worried about drowning I mean I don't worry about anything I don't worry about anything All right well James Thank you so much for coming

Let's see Andy Richter thank you as always Path of Most Resistance Is on YouTube Jamesadomian.com You just go admire the fonts Yeah there's not much on there But yeah

It looks like a great website Nice, nice. There's a link tree, too, that also is, it's like a smooth link tree, but there's not much on it right now. All right, well, thanks so much for tuning in, everybody. I'll be back next week. Now, stick around, because coming up, you've got Stand Up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin.

I'll be back next week. Bye-bye. O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio