The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Janet Varney

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

Actress and comedian Janet Varney (The JV Club, The Legend of Korra) talks with Andy Richter about dealing with parental separation, her first jobs selling Australian goods and high-end miniatures, tricky toilets from abroad, being a showbiz pragmatist, and the work that’s gone into running nearly twenty years of SF Sketchfest.

Hi there! Well, you've done it again. You've stumbled onto greatness. This is Andy Richter, and you were listening to the three questions, but you probably already knew that. I mean, how would you just show up here by chance? Right? Depends on how stumbly you are. That is true. But you're just stumbling through the podcast apps. I'll give you a scenario. Yeah.

You're in your home. Uh-huh. You don't turn the light on as soon as you come in. Mm-hmm. You think maybe someone's in the house. You panic. You want to call the cops, but you mispress your phone.

A podcast randomly starts up. Right, right, right. And you're still wandering in the dark, feeling for things. your phone, a podcast randomly starts up and you're still wandering in the dark feeling for things, but listening to this podcast. But you're going like, wait a minute, is that Janet Varney? Yeah. Did I just stumble onto greatness? It is Janet Varney. And that's who I'm talking to today, listeners. Oh, wow.

Thanks, Andy. Sure, no problem. How are you? I'm well. How are you? I'm well. How are you? I'm good. We're talking in the end of August. I don't know if I'm supposed to date these things, but I mean, I don't care.

You didn't say anything topical other than the name of a month. It's the end of August. The world still seems to be functioning. Don't say that, because I will date it. So, and we just were talking a moment ago that this is the end of your guy summer for your podcasting. That's correct.

You only have females during the school year. That's right. But in the summertime. I really let her rip. You're boy crazy. That's right. And how did that come about that you did that? Well, when I first started doing the podcast,

there weren't a ton of female hosts and there weren't a ton of female guests, quite frankly, because it's been like seven or eight years now. Right, right. There weren't a lot of women back then. There just weren't a ton of female hosts and there weren't a ton of female guests, quite frankly, because it's been like seven or eight years now. Right, right. There weren't a lot of women back then. There just weren't a ton of women. There weren't. It was mostly 80% men. In podcasting, to clarify. Oh, no. I mean, in the world.

Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, longer talk, longer conversation. I had so many women who were just breeding and breeding and breeding because there just weren't enough of them. I guess that's maybe true. I guess it's rude to disagree with your host if you're on a podcast. Now that's true. Not this one. But yeah, so, and then I did have people who I didn't know really who was going to listen to the podcast and then it turned out sort of just people listened

to it. And then I started to think like, oh, you know, it would be nice to talk about just some gentlemen friends who had a high school experience. That's a different, maybe looks different than what a girl is experiencing in high school. So I was actually talking to Steve Agee and I said, oh, you know, I think maybe you want to have guys on the podcast, maybe like just in the summer or something. And Agee was like, you mean like Boys of Summer by Don Henley? And I was like, well, that's what it's called now. It will be my Boys of Summer series.

The Boys of Summer series. And then that led to me forcing everyone to sing acapella extemporaneously. Boys of Summer, right, right. Boys of Summer at the end. Yeah, that's a really awful song. I mean. It's a really awful song. Do you, well, I should.

I'm an Eagles defender, actually. Okay. A lot of people hate the Eagles. And I maintain that Hotel California is a fantastic song. Yeah. It is a rock solid fucking song. And as much as Hanley and Glenn Frey were dicks and they wrote kind of like oppressively smug white guy music, they were really fucking good at it. Yeah.

smug white guy music. Uh-huh. It's, they were really fucking good at it. Yeah. They really sold a bunch of records and they really made a lot of people go, yeah, I want to hear that again. Right. And Hotel California, it's, yeah, it's, you've been literally bludgeoned with it. Yes.

But especially like that fucking twin guitar solo at the end. It's, it's huge. It's like, you know, on the Mount Rushmore of, of popular radio. You know, it's, it's unbelievable.

What would that look like? What carving would that be? If you had to symbolize it as two guitars, two carved guitars with an eagle next to it? I guess it would be more of a, it would be rocks that made the noise of that. It would be that. Yeah.

It would probably, there'd probably be like some Bruce Springsteen in there. I don't know. I'm terrible at that kind of stuff. I always get scared. I've been asked to do kind of like, comment on your favorite pop culture kind of thing. That's so hard.

I actually just, for this podcast, I was told they want to do a publication, wants to do a story on you and this podcast and I was like okay cool and then nothing really happened about it and my assistant kind of pushed for it and she's a sushi producer on the show and she kind of pushed for almost sounded like you said sushi producer just pointing that out she is not well she just had a, but the baby's not sushi, but she's been producing more than just shows lately. Great. Mazel tov. But she finally came through, and then it turns out, like, and I had no idea.

It was, we are just going to talk about an underappreciated comedy thing. Like, that's the point of this. And I was like, oh, fuck. I don't know. Okay. How about the W.C. Fields movie, It's a Gift? Like, that's one of my favorite movies, and not a lot of young people know that movie. And it comes back, well, someone just did a W.C. Fields thing.

So I was like, oh, fuck. And I'm thinking, and I'm thinking, like, what comedy thing do I like that's underappreciated? And I was like, none. All the comedy things I like are appreciated. Like, what am I going to say? Tim and Eric? You know, like, yeah, nobody knows about Tim and Eric. Like, yes, no, a lot.

You know, like, especially people that are going to be reading this thing. There's no kind of like. What's the gem? Yeah, there's no obscure Danish comedian. And also that you have that in your pocket. Yeah, that you're going to be like, oh, finally someone's letting me shout to the heavens. And what, you know, kids in the hall was good. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone knows that. Yeah. So I just, I ended up being like, nah, I can't think of anything. Yeah. Everything I like is exactly appreciated as much as it should be. Well, luckily that's not an insult to their entire concept. No, it isn't.

It's just not for me. And it's the same thing I've been on. People have asked me, come on a podcast and we'll talk about, you know, like old candy. You know what I mean? Like not past its expiration date, but like the candy of your youth. Nostalgia candy. Yeah, like, you know, like how they do in 13 going on 30. Right.

And I just was like, no, I don't, candy, I don't know, I can't like, and because people can wax rhapsodic about all kinds of things from their youth. And I just, it's probably because I've never been that happy. So I just kind of shove everything into a drawer. And yet talking about candy from your youth does not make you feel better. No, no, not at all. I was not a happy child, and I probably could wrap some wax paper again. Could you? Yeah. See, I just, I don't know. I mean, I guess I remember Charleston shoes, but I can't talk about them.

Right. You know, for at least what I consider an appreciable amount of time that would constitute content. Right, right. That being said, I will say this has triggered a memory from yesterday evening when I was standing in line at the grocery store. And I would say, by and large, I'm not the person that is looking to my left and looking to my right to be like, what are these people getting? Yeah, yeah.

What does that tell me about this person? But the guy, the sort of business guy who had taken off his jacket and his tie was sort of letting loose because it was after work, had a giant box of spinach and then two rolls of Rolos. And that's all he was getting. And for some reason, I was so touched by that. Do you know what I mean? It was like a moment of like, I don't know anything about this guy. What is life like? First of all, that's who buys Rolos.

I didn't know who was doing that. Right. He had to get two. Yep. And a spinach. That's dessert. And then. He's a pop.

He's like a modern day Popeye. He's a modern day Popeye. Yeah. And then in my mind, I was like, I noticed that. I noticed those two Rolos. And then thus ensued an entire conversation with the cashier who was like, are those going to make it all the way home?

And the guy was like, ah, I just love Rolos. Rolos. So then I was listening like, oh, maybe he's Australian. I was trying to justify it. But no, he was American. So he was going to eat

those two Rolos. Wow. My Rolos. Yeah. My Rolos. Yeah. Oh, that's fantastic. Yeah. To not know. Yeah, I'll take.

So you brought up vintage candy. That's all that made me think of. Do you have any Snikers bars? What's the weirdest, untasty way I can pronounce any of these things? I'd like some M-N-M's. Do you have any Twikes's? Twikes's. I'm looking for Twikes.

some M's. Do you have any Twikes? Twikes. I'm looking for Twikes. I went, I had Costco once and this, I just, there was an old man

at Costco with a cart full of alkalinized water, like that alkaline water, which apparently is complete fucking nonsense. Sure. But it was like,

it was perfect that like an old man was like, this is gonna, I'm gonna turn into Wolverine if I drink this. My pH balance, that's the important thing.

That's right. Just alkalinized water and a huge, like, bulk thing of cigarillos. Oh, my. Like, little tiny cigars with plastic tips. Which I was like, where are those in this store? I guess there might be, like, a tobacco cage somewhere. Yeah. I don't know.

Wow, that's nuts. That's like the old man diet in Burbank, I guess. I got to start getting in on that. It evens out. It evens out. Those cigarillos. You get that water, smoke all you want. That's right.

Nut and bag is going to happen to you. That's the idea. That's right. Well, have you heard this show? I mean, you can say no. No, but I remember when you did my podcast last year, you were like, I'm going to do a podcast. It's going to be simple. It is. And this is relatively simple. I just want to, you know, I want to kind of have the, the idea of this was always to kind of have the conversations that I

like having with people in the commercial breaks of the Conan show. Yep. Yep. And, and because, yeah, because like publicizing things like that gets done, whether or not, you know, you know, those you're going to burn those calories just talking anyway. So it's so I've never, you know, I've never and also to I don't ever I work. I am a cog in the gear of the publicity machine and I never have ever found any quantifiable evidence that any of it puts butts in seats. Right. Right. The only I think the only thing that it does is it sells books. Like it's a, it makes an appreciable difference to book sellers, to people who are trying to sell a book to be on a show. Interesting.

But like when, you know, Jake Gyllenhaal being on our show is going to sell movie tickets. I don't think so. You know, so I just, it's more, it's still just's still just fun i you know that's the idea is to just have fun but i wanted to have this kind of just like be about what the people you know the three questions are where do you come from where are you going and what have you learned and and those are sort of the kind of the what the makeup of people and uh and i've known you a long time but i didn't i mean i got like a little sort of like rundown, the Janet Varney story. Oh, uh-oh.

In one PDF. Yeah. And – I love PDF me. I bet. I don't know. I don't know what it says. You seem very fascinating.

It's all the highlights. Great. It's basically you could just save it and make it your obituary. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Great. I mean, I guess, you know, you should probably do something between then and now. Should I?

To add to it. Yeah. A couple more bullet points. All right. But, yeah, no, I mean, like I say, I've known you a long time, but I didn't know, like, a lot about, like, I didn't know you were Mormon. I mean, I'm not. But, you know, lapsed Mormon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that, because it's, I always, like, to me, I know so many people who were Mormons. Yeah. It's really weird. And I guess it's like, it's no weirder than saying I knew a bunch of people who were Methodists, but it's just. It does feel different though, doesn't it? It is different. Yeah. Because it's such a purely American invention.

It's the most American, other than Scientology. It's an invention, just like the rest of them. Absolutely. Yeah. Those two, I mean, I'm uncomfortable in a way because I have stronger negative feelings about Scientology than I do about the Mormon church. I do too, yeah. Possibly I would feel the opposite if I had been raised a Scientologist.

I don't know. But there's an uncomfortable closeness between the way those religions work and sort of how American they feel. I don't think that there is so – I don't think that the Church of Latter-day Saints is putting the pressure on people, go make money for us. Right, right, right. That's a real difference. I mean, you know, the Church of Latter-day Saints did what every religion did, which is spread this word, spread this faith. And I mean, there's some really cuckoo stuff in there. And I used to, I mean, for a while I was a little bit Joseph Smith obsessed.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. You probably know more about him than I do then. Well, Fawn Brody, I think is her name. She wrote a book. I can't remember. It's like No Man Knows My Country or something like that. But it's just about Joseph Smith.

And it just, he was a huckster. He was a huckster that was run out of a couple of towns. And then he figured out this one thing and found some magic stones that spoke to him. Then said like, you know what? God wants me to have a lot of wives. I see. I know.

It's like. It's extraordinary. Oh, yeah. But it's not that different. You know, I mean, one man having lots of wives, that's an old story. That's old school. Yeah, yeah. That is an old story.

Yeah. But yeah, no, it's just funny to me how, you know, like I say, I probably know as many Presbyterians. I probably know as many – I certainly know as many Catholics or as many Jews. But it's just that when I hear that, like, oh, you're more – you know, like, wow. It's also just newer. It's just a very fresh, new, young religion in so many ways. So you grew up in a Mormon household. Not really. Not really.

Not really. I mean, my parents split up when I was so young that I don't have, I think I have one memory of them together. It was just them standing side by side when we realized our house had been broken into. So the event itself was traumatic enough that I have a snapshot. Yeah, Tucson. Okay. I have a sort of snapshot of them both being alarmed at once.

And that is the extent of my memories of them as a couple. Wow. When did they split? I mean, I guess they separated when I was maybe five. But I think even before that, there was just a significant amount of, you know, hey, I got to go out of town to this place. Yeah. And when I get back, would you like to go somewhere without me? Oh, really?

They just were not in the same place. Yeah. They really avoided that. Yeah. And I spent a lot of time with both sets of grandparents, I think, while they were sort of figuring it out. Figuring out. Were they young? They weren't that young.

They were early 30s, but my dad did convert for my mom, and didn't, he's an atheist. He didn't really know what he was, you know, he had sort of been around people that, you know, he loved my mom's family, they were Mormon. He sort of got, I think he got kind of sucked into, you know, there's a lot of like fun sport, like basketball might and just kind of fun stuff. Yeah. And it was really important to my mom. And so he was like, you know what? Let's do it. Why not?

Yeah. And I think, you know. I like potlucks. Yeah. Immediately, I think he had this sort of, oh, no. Oh, uh-oh. So that was, I think, a huge part of it. But it was also symptomatic of like all the other things that were kind of underneath that that were not meant to be between them.

Yeah. So he had primary custody of me. And so I was raised by like a very funny, very dark sense of humor to atheist. But my mom had custody of me on Sundays because it was imperative to her. You know, she needed me to go to church on Sundays. So I went, but that was not something I ever – I didn't ever believe it really. Yeah, yeah. I went to church as a kid and never believed it and even got very involved in our town's church without ever being sort of burdened. Burdened by the belief of it because there was just –

Burdened by the number one reason it existed at all. Well, I mean, because it did seem like, wait a minute, you step on a bug and that doesn't matter. But, you know, like, or people in India who've never heard of Jesus are going to go to hell because they just didn't hear of Jesus. That doesn't seem fair. Which luckily, there's a lot of, you know, avenues that Mormons have sort of figured out. Like, well, that doesn't sound good. And that makes it sound like a bunch of people are creating this doctrine, which I guess maybe is true. But it's a very, very sunshiny kind of lovely religion in a lot of ways.

Yes. And there's a lot of good acts that happen. And there's far less, at least in my experience and what I've read, of families being separated by somebody who leaves the church. And nobody is like, you're not our son anymore or anything like that. Right, right. So there's a lot of really positive stuff. But then I think there's also just a tremendous amount of mess that's being swept under the rug because that doesn't fit with the sort of personality, public personality of the church. One thing I've always kind of found fascinating about Mormonism is that it was founded on like

a very egalitarian notion of that anybody can have a direct avenue to God. Yeah, that's why we have all those crazy prophets now that spin off. It spins off the most amazing sects. It really does. And I mean, like crime families, you know, like God says, God says we should steal cars, you know, for his greater glory, you know. Absolutely. And that is a very unusual thing. You know, it's frowned upon in almost every other religion that like, well, I went out in my

backyard and God told me that's wrong. And like, no, no, no, no, no. Talking to God, that's our thing. And how could that not break bad when so many people are having personal revelations that are different from one another? I mean, they're even within crime families. There's like a one upsmanship that's like, well, I don't know. God told me we were going to start stealing red cars. And that guy's like, it's funny because last night God came to me and he said motorcycles were the way to go. Motorcycles and trucks. And then who wins that?

You're a heretic. That's right. You and your Toyota Corollas. That's right. Yeah. Well, it is. It's kind of like the internet of religions and that like all of a sudden everybody gets a say.

That's right. And like, you know, and like, oh, what a mess. Yeah. You know, it's 4chan of religions. That's right. Yeah. You sort of, it's one of those things that I think that you sort of rely on the idea that, that people still want a leader and want to be guided enough that they're not

going, that won't be exploited somehow. You know, it's like, well, yes, you can have a one-on-one relationship with God and you, you will, and you do, but that's like for your, you know, some of your personal life stuff. And then, and then there's a prophet who's, that's the person who's really laying down, you know, the continued like building foundation of, of the gospel, you know. It didn't take into account like crazy people. Yeah. Like, you know, crazy. Yeah, yeah. But then from whence it came, like there's a whole sort of, you know. It didn't take into account like crazy people. Yeah. Like, you know, crazy.

But then from whence it came, like there's a whole sort of, you know. Do you think that you got anything, like, do you feel like that experience gave you something good? Like, I mean, not just because you obviously chose to not continue being in the church, but do you think that there was something that you took from it? I do. I mean, I think it was, and a lot of, again, my family members have this quality. I mean, for example, my aunt and uncle, who are wonderful and are not moneyed people by

any stretch of the imagination. I mean, they're in this, you know, they are doing service there. You know, she's, my Aunt Maureen is leading scouts and, you know, working in community theater. And my uncle is a teacher. And yet they drive around with these, like, care packages for homeless people, you know? And it's not like they slip a Book of Mormon in there. They just see people in need and they're like, hey, we have this little kit for you if this is helpful. Which is just, it just, you know, warms my heart.

It sort of breaks it at the same time. So I have seen a tremendous amount of good works done. Of true altruism, yeah. Of true altruism done. And just very sweet, lovely people. But the flip side of that is like, for example, you know, the thing to talk about for a while there was that Netflix documentary, Abducted in Plain Sight, which I don't know if you're familiar with. I am. I am that. Yeah. I don't think I've ever yelled at a television more. Yeah. And they're Mormon, right? Yeah. So apparently one of the things that was not in the documentary was that that guy, K or R or L or whatever, I can't remember, I think it was K, but he was their bishop. So that's like having, that's, then you sort of look at it with the, you know, you can sort of equate it with like, oh, this is why someone didn't want to tell on their priest or whatever. of years, a new dude just who's in your congregation who has no experience leading people at all is going to be put up into that place and tasked with all of these crazy things, like

asking teenage girls about their sex lives with just no training. Right. And so, but if you believe that, then you don't question it. Yeah. You know, those two things go hand in hand. Is it bishop? Is that like a professional clergy or is that like a civilian? No, it's just you and me.

That runs the church. And not me because I can't have the priesthood. But do they do the sermon? Like, do they, or is there? Well, that's kind of egalitarian too. It is. Oh, wow. There's a bishop who's assigned to your ward.

And, but then again, that cycles out. So, you know, for a couple of years, you, Andy Richter, could receive, you know, somebody higher up in the stake, I guess, is what it's sort of the way it expands outward. The hierarchy. Yeah. It's like being a regional manager or whatever. The stake is sort of this big area of the city that your ward is a part of. And somewhere along the line, someone receives the revelation of whoever is supposed to be or whatever. The stake is sort of this big area of the city that your ward is a part of.

And somewhere along the line, someone receives the revelation of whoever is supposed to be bishop next. And from what I understand, and I'm sure I'm oversimplifying it, it feels to me that you just get a call and maybe you go into an office and they're like, well, Andy, God has told us that you are going to be serving as the bishop for this ward for the next couple of years. Wow. In addition to like my aluminum siding business. That's right. Continue working. You have to keep doing what you're doing.

Yes, your aluminum siding. Hopefully some of that will come in handy when you are following this list of responsibilities. Good luck to you. I wonder if it's ever like, well, the worship hall needs a new roof. And I think Jerry the roofer would be a good bishop. That's the guy who goes and starts his own sect and builds a lot of aluminum siding buildings for his wives. Wow. I didn't realize that, that it was so like kind of civilian run.

That's amazing. And then so he doesn't really give a sermon because in the meeting where everyone gets together, like what you would think of as a normal kind of congregational church, that's not Sunday school where everyone's divided by sex and age. There's a rotating, you know, kids give talks. Adults give talks. I forget how, again, that's another thing that's like, God, there's so many revelations happening. It's just like revelation for every star in the sky. There's just always like, we received the revelation, God, there's so many revelations happening. It's just like revelation for every star in the sky. Yeah, yeah. There's just always like, we received the revelation, Janet, that you need to give a talk about chapter five of John.

And that's the way it's phrased. Yeah, I mean, I think so. Well, I don't think so. I think they're just like, we would like to ask you to do. They are always a few steps behind regular culture. That's right. I feel they're so close to saying that homosexuality is okay because it just takes

enough pressure for then someone to, because it's this very, you know, amorphous document gospel thing that they can be like, wait, wait,

I'm hearing it's okay to be gay. Yeah, yeah. I am hearing it's okay to be gay now. Although, you know, when there was the big Prop 8,

which was an anti-gay marriage, for those who don't know, an anti-gay marriage statute that was voted on here in California. And there was a lot of money behind it. And a lot of that money was from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Yeah. I thought they were probably, because polygamy is such a taboo subject and such a thing that they've tried to squash, that I think that they were probably trying to head off the notion of, well, if the notion of marriage is fluid, that people in the same sex could get married, who's to say that four people can't get married? Yeah. sex could get married. Who's to say that four people can't get married? And I think that they were probably through a lot of money at that just in a preventative way to keep themselves from being sued by all of the people that they had excommunicated.

Yeah. That's really interesting. I hadn't thought about that. I don't have anything to base it on other than being real fucking smart. But no, but when I heard that, like a lot of the money was coming from Salt Lake and coming into California about that. And it does seem like, you know, you don't, they, I've never felt, and I'm sorry to spend so much time talking about this. Oh, I find it fascinating. I don't mind at all. That, that I've, they don't seem as, as shame-based as a lot of sort of like more, you know, fundamentalist kind of religion.

So it does seem kind of weird. Like why are they so worked up about being gay? You know, I mean, like you said, they did adapt. And one of the big ones was, okay, let's let black people be Mormons. Like that and amazingly – how amazingly late that happened. Yeah. But it did happen. Okay, great.

You know, I think it still would be kind of weird to be a black Mormon, but I'm neither black nor Mormon. And look, they proselytize all over the world. I know, I know. There's a tremendous amount of like just a vast ethnicity happening just across the board because they're very effective at going to places and saying, you know, here's how your life can be enriched and how special and wonderful this religion is by, you know, two porny 18-year-old boys. I can't believe I haven't been excommunicated. I just feel like, again, that's far more – that feels like it's going to happen far faster than accepting homosexuality in the church. Yeah, yeah.

But it continues to not happen. Really? So, yeah. Because you have talked about it. No one's bothering listening to what I have to say, I guess. Well, and I mean, for God's sakes, the Book of Mormon, if that isn't, you know, I think that that probably forced the church to have a sense of humor. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like, well, if you can do all that, you know. I mean, I don't know. I think they really believe. You're right that it's not a shame-based in terms of, you know, you're going to go to hell or people who don't believe this are going to go to hell or there are all these unforgivable things that you can do. Yeah. But I do think it's veryivable things that you can do. Yeah. But I do think it's very, very immediate shame-based. Yeah. Like, it's definitely about there's a lot of things you can do wrong,

and you need to feel very, very bad about them right away. Yeah. In the same way that you can confess to, you know, in a confessional. Yeah. You need to repent and do X, Y, and Z so that you can sort of start fresh. Yeah. You need to repent and do X, Y, and Z so that you can sort of start fresh. Yeah. It seems more, it's more of a, you turn your judgment inward rather than outward. Yeah.

Yeah. And people can always be saved. There are very few people that they believe are beyond hope. I think I qualify as one of them, maybe. Yeah. Because they talk about like the sons and daughters of perdition, which means you have and accept the gospel, and then you turn your back on it. That maybe is when you go to hell. Was that now when you were, I imagine, a young adult is when you decided?

Yeah. As soon as I knew I was leaving for college, I had to have that uncomfortable conversation with my mom, which was really hard. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. Because we had had such a rocky, I just did not have a good relationship with her as a kid.

And so I think, I feel like we had reached kind of an uneasy truce by the time I was a senior in high school. And then that just set us back so far for me to have to say, please, actually, please don't share my information with the church in Flagstaff where I was going to college. I'm not going to be showing up there. Wow. And she said, and I've just told a story on my podcast recently, but I have said it before, but her first words to me were, you can't have a religion based on Cat Stevens and Joni Mitchell.

Which was such a slap in the face because that was part of the truth. I know. It sounds like it wouldn't be that bad. You kind of can. Yeah. I thought he, I thought I was very surprised when he converted to Islam. Yeah.

Only because I was like, I thought he kind of figured out that like, that's not a, you know, you don't need something like that. Authoritarian. Yeah. Yeah.

But, but that was hard because that was one of those things that, you know, in a rare moment of intimacy, you know, just the sharing of me being like, well, this is something that, you know, these are lyrics and this is music that I've discovered that's not even really my generation. But that's, you know, I love and I think it's so beautifully written and there's so much wisdom in there. You know, whatever that was, was like an attempt at bonding.

And then just so quickly, unfortunately, it got thrown back in my face. So, yeah. Were you an artsy kid? Like, were you doing theater stuff? And was that, like, suspect to her at least? No, I don't think she minded that. Although now that you say that, I'm hard-pressed to think of her coming into any of my shows. But, yeah, no, I think it was just when I was little, I took all my frustration and anger my tiny person

anger at my parents splitting up I guess I didn't know at the time when you're that little I don't know

that it's that definable but I was just like a holy terror around her and then I was great around my dad so there was they had like

arguments about whether or not I was even the same person like you know she would say like you're a daughter blah blah blah you know she'd throw a tant like, your daughter, blah, blah, blah. You know, she'd throw a tantrum and this and that.

And then my dad was like, I don't see any evidence of that. And then she tape recorded one of my tantrums. Oh, wow. Exhibit A. That's pretty good, though. And then when I was a teenager, I went through my goth phase. And I do feel that that was – I think that was like – at the time, I think she was like, uh-huh, I always knew was like, at the time, I think she was like, uh-huh.

I always knew this is where we were headed. Do you think it was also just terrifying to her? Or had you already hardened her at that point? I think she was probably terrified. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think she was probably terrified. Yeah. Why do you think there was that split in the way that you treated one versus the other?

Was it just personalities jiving or not? I think that's part of it. I mean, I definitely am so much more like my dad. And I think, you know, and then when they first split up, I was, you know, I guess the assumption was, because kids go and live with their mom, that I should go and live with my mom, which meant moving into like a sad apartment. I mean, I have so much empathy for her now. I just think like, oh, God, like she was the one who really wanted to have a kid. And, you know, it's such an old story.

Like she really wanted, and then, you know, and then here I am. And then I just immediately bond more with my dad, you know. And then when they split up, I'm like running away from home only at her house, you know, and then when they split up, I'm like running away from home only at her house, you know, and saying things like, you're not my real mom. Like just the classics. Did he keep the house? Did he keep the house? He did, yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah. See, that is, that's weird. Well, I know. I mean, it's weird. I just say it's weird because like, A, I'm going through a divorce right now, and I can't believe, like, you all got to leave. Right. I just can't even conceive of doing that, you know?

Well, she might have wanted, because that's, yeah, she might have wanted to remove herself from the place that sort of for her maybe represented the marriage not working. I never talked to her about it, so I don't know. But why didn't they sell it and split it? Isn't that sort of for her maybe represented the marriage not working. I never talked to her about it, so I don't know. But why didn't they sell it and split it? Isn't that sort of like the community? I mean, yeah. Who knows Arizona divorce law? Yeah. Can we take some callers?

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Well. I'll have to ask him. Yeah, yeah. And I'll get back to you. Well, and also, too, I think, not to be too revealing, but the kid wants to stay at home. Yeah.

Doesn't want to go to the new apartment, no matter how nice it is. It was scary and awful. And it had those, I see them in L.A. all the time, and it makes me shudder. That shows that I'm kind of a wimp. But there are those, like, really dense bushes that sort of look almost like some sort of fur or not animal fur. Let me be clear. Yeah, yeah. There's a pininess to them.

Yes. And they're very, very dense. And there's just always these clouds of spider webs. Yeah. Just those dense puffs of I'm looking around like somebody be with me. Do you know what? No, I know exactly what you mean. And so, and it just looks like.

I think it's a spruce. Oh, that's just. I think it's some kind of spruce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And so I was terrified by those. Like the ones that they make topiaries out of. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So just very, you know, just the feeling of like, if I could even squeeze my hand in there, I would just immediately, it would be gone. I'd pull out bones. Yeah, yeah. Like that's how spiders work, like piranha. And those were at your mom's. Yeah, it's so weird the things that you latch on to.

That sort of become this sort of alien territory that feels dangerous, you know. And, oh, I hated it. I have the thing like, and I don't even know, well, I don't want to go into the reason. But remember those old plaid couches that were like a thick synthetic, like almost like kind of rough burlap-y kind of plaid. Yeah, it is burlap-y. Super burlap-y. And then often would have like wooden handles and stuff. Those bum me out.

Like that just to me says sad kid. I know. I totally get it. Ugh, I hate, you know. Yeah. So, no, I understand that too. Yeah, you definitely do kind of latch on to like that sort of like, I can never, I will never be able to handle the avocado appliances.

Well, so you live mostly with your mom then growing up and in school and it was all in Tucson? No, it was. So, so. It was 50-50. Yeah. No, it wasn't even really 50-50. He had primary custody of me.

After a couple of years of just everyone being very unhappy, I think they had the conversation of like, well, wait a minute. Maybe she should be with you more. And my dad was like, great. Like he was ready for that. and my dad was like, great. Like, he was ready for that. And so once I lived primarily with him and spent a little less time with her and wasn't her responsibility in the same way, like that my dad sort of became the person who, like,

registered me for school and took me to the doctor, like all those things, I think that took the weight off of her a little bit. But I still went to church with her on Sundays and stuff. Did – Her plants were not avocado color. Is that what you were going to say? You wanted to get back to that? I was going to.

For sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, I – oh, I know what I was going to – did either one of them have any more children? No, no. Neither one of them ever remarried or anything. I am an only child and I – mom's over there, dad's over there, and there's no steps, no nothing. Did either of them date in any way?

My dad did. Yeah? Yeah, my dad's had like some wonderful relationships through the years. My mom never did. Wow. Yeah, it was really weird. Closed up shop. It's weird that whatever, I don't know what, I don't know how old most people are.

Like if there's a sort of an average age at which you suddenly or gradually realize that what you thought of as normal was not normal to other people. But I feel like it takes a lot longer than you would imagine. I feel like I was like 30 before I was like, wait a minute. I never saw anyone even hug my mom. Like, I think that's kind of odd. Never saw her hold hands with anyone. Just nothing. There are certainly things that when I became a parent, instantly, speaking of a parent, instantly became apparent to me. Yeah, yeah. Like, holy shit, I can't believe that someone did that.

Yeah. You know, and, you know, not to name specifics, but like where you just, it's like, wow. Yeah. You know, because, you know, your urges for having a kid, and I've said this before on this, my parenting philosophy is, I read somewhere once that police forces are supposed to be working towards their obsolescence. That's the idea. Like crime prevention is part of their job. Wouldn't that be something? Yeah, which I don't know.

I always feel like kind of, that was like early on when they started forming police forces. The idea was, we're not just going to stop people from committing crime. We're going to sort of promote the notion of let's not commit crimes, everybody. Right, except for just the whole slavery thing, which I feel like also that's why the police were like, listen, we want to be obsolete to the white people. We're going to really just focus on putting black people in jail. That's true. Which.

That's another podcast. That's another podcast. Yeah. But parenting is like, yeah, oh, no, it's not about you. It's just, you know. Yeah. As my sister-in-law said, yeah, when you have a kid, like it's immediately apparent who the baby is. Right.

Like, you know. Managed to avoid that thus far. Yeah. I have such a baby. Yeah, yeah. What a baby. I tell you, there's so much of my own shit that I think I was glad to have kids because it's just like, oh, fuck, I don't have to think about that. Absolutely.

By worrying about that. By caring about that. By having to worry about socializing. God, no more small talk. I love the hook, everybody. No more small talk. That's right. I have a child to take care of.

Listen, I've been able to parlay owning a dog into some of the exact same things, which is very sad. Dogs in a crate, everybody. Did your mom have pets? Did she? No. I was allowed to have a goldfish. I didn't have any pets at my dad's house after the one cat I had got hit by a car. And I think my dad was more traumatized than I was.

He was like, never again. My mom let me have a goldfish. It became her goldfish because I was never there, and she took care of it. And then somehow I also ended up getting two little mice, which I can't remember why we were at the pet store in the first place. I don't feel that she was like, hey, you know what we should get you is mice. I think it was us just in a pet store and me loving these mice and then her feeling so bad that they were there to be sold, to be fed to snakes. Yes. That she was like, you know what, I'm going to take a couple of these puppies off you.

Not literal puppies. Right, right. And so we had, I had two mice that lived a very long time. Like lived an extraordinarily long time because my mom was so like, you know, giving them little vials of antibiotics when they got sick. Took them to the vet. Oh, my God. Yes.

Like how many years? I mean, I don't know. I don't know how long they're supposed to live. I feel like they live. I feel like they live like four years or something, which is, I think, a very long time for a little mouse in a cage to survive. Wow. Yeah. She took really good care of those mice.

Lucky mice. Bess and George. Oh. Named after Nancy Drew's best friends. Oh, that's great. So when you went to college, you stayed in Arizona. I did. Yeah. I was very practical. I applied to a bunch of schools that I really wanted to go to, got into all of them, and then promptly stayed in state so I could have a scholarship.

Oh, I see. Because I was very afraid of financial aid. Yeah, yeah. That's, but that, yeah, no, staying in state is, there's plenty of reason for that. Yeah. I mean, I did the same thing. I went to University of Illinois, and it was just sort of, it's funny because having a son that just went away to college and going through that whole, the very modern now process of it and him applying to

12 schools or something and that number being dwarfed by some of his friends who were applying to like 20. And he at one point asked me like, how many schools did you apply to? And I was like, you apply to? And I was like, one, one. And then I went there. So, yeah. Yeah. I think mine really was like, it was like window shopping. It was like, I mean, let's be realistic. If I'm going to major in theater, which at the time I didn't even know if I wanted to do, but it's kind of all I thought could think of. So, you know, and my dad writes books about ghost towns and mining camps in, like, kind of the American West. Oh, wow. Is that his job? He was a high school English teacher.

And then he started writing books. Like, he wrote his first book just kind of as a – he was like – he had developed the hobby of ghost towns, kind of. There's a ton of great old, you know, ghost towns and mining camps in Arizona. Wow. And he was like, there isn't really – there's, there's no real reference for this that I can see. And so he ended up pitching the idea and getting this book written. And since then, he's written like 12 books. And is he the ghost town expert now?

He's kind of a ghost town. He's like a celeb within a very, very niche world. My father is a linguist, a Russian linguist. He had been a music major, dropped out of college, joined the army before they could draft him, and scored high with language, went to Monterey from Springfield, Illinois, and was like, this is the most beautiful place I've ever been. What language keeps me here the longest? And they said, Chinese or Russian. All the others kept in there like, I don't know, six months and these kept in there a year. And he's like, all right, Russian, I guess I'll take Russian. And then that became his career. And he became, he's a

well-regarded Russian phonetician. Like when he goes to Russia, they can't tell he's not, He's a well-regarded Russian phonetician. Like when he goes to Russia, they can't tell he's not – they think he's a native speaker. Yeah. But he's written for opera singers the definitive guides for phonetic of all like Rachmaninoff songs. And like volume after volume for just for opera singers to teach them to sing Russian songs correctly. Because, of course, we need that. And it didn't. But you would never think that we would need that.

Yeah, yeah. So opera singers, you know. Yeah. Like. And Monterey. How crazy is that? Oh, I know, I know. Just those steps.

I really understand that urge because that's the point of me bringing up my dad was that because he was doing so much traveling through the Western United States anyway, I would go with him on visits to these various sites and stuff. And so I fell in love with the Pacific Northwest. So I applied to all the schools there, like Lewis and Clark, University of Puget Sound, UW, like all these places. And I did have good grades and I got in, but not like in a way that, you know, I didn't have, I was not going to high school to impress people pre-college. I wasn't like in any clubs or anything like that. Yeah. And so it would have immediately been financial aid, you know, and so I didn't do it. But I fell in love so hard with San Francisco that I was like, I don't care what I have to do to be there. So I really under, if someone was like, you need to learn, you need to be fluent in Russian to stay in San Francisco.

I've been like, great. That's going to keep me here. Great. And that's where you went after college? I went to, I dropped out in my junior year at Flagstaff.

Oh, what a disappointment. I know, what a burnout. Wait for it. Then I worked for a year in San Francisco, established residency

and went to SF State University. Pulled yourself up by your bootstraps. I pulled myself right up. By selling bootstraps. By selling tiny, expensive miniatures and all Australian goods. What? What do you mean? Those were my two part-time jobs when I moved to San Francisco.

Expensive miniatures? Oh, yes. What does that mean? I moved into a place on Leavenworth near Sutter Street. And I was like, well, my job experience is limited to making necklaces at a hippie bead store in Flagstaff. And selling train tickets for the Grand Canyon Railway, also in Flagstaff. So I got not much. Also, those sell themselves.

You do not. I didn't need to be there. Talk about a robot taking something over. Canyon Railway, also in Flagstaff. So I got not much. Also, those sell themselves. You do not. I didn't need to be there. Talk about a robot taking something over. And so I just, I didn't know even really where to start. And I just walked up the street, turned right on Sutter Street after I'd moved there and was like, well, there's a lot of stores on this street. I guess I'll start applying. And the places that each gave me a part-time job so I was working full-time were a place called Australia Fair, which only sold Australian goods. I sold opals. I sold Vegemite. I sold –

Boomerangs. Boomerangs. I sold Acubra Hits. I sold Blunnies, Bluntstones, boots. I sold Blunnies, Bluntstones, boots. And then I would go over to my other job at the Treasure House, which was an extravagantly expensive tiny dollhouse miniature store where we sold dollhouse kits and stuff. And we would have these, like, society ladies from Pacific Heights come in to buy, you know, like bespoke crystal goblets. Wow. And like Waterford crystal goblets.

Yeah, yeah. And like, you know. That were dollhouse sized. Real China that was dollhouse sized. That were like, you know, I mean, we have like tiny paintings that were hand painted. Yeah. That were like $900. Wow.

It was nutso. Wow. It was so fun. I bet. Yeah. And you get so much knowledge that doesn't matter anywhere else. It has served me not at all. Yeah, yeah.

Not at all. But it's all still in there. Oh, very much so. Very much so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know from my stepfather having a plumbing business, like I still know like lots and lots of – like on Twitter once I posted something. Like I still know like lots and lots of – like on Twitter once I posted something.

I was in Kauai and there's a – they converted an old school to a shopping center and the plumbing fixtures are the same. And I just – I took pictures. I was like, I happen to know that this is a urinal built for women. Like there are women's urinals because I remember as a kid being so bored sitting in this plumbing shop. And my stepfather did say, like, look at the catalogs so you know the parts. You know, because people would come in with, like, a broken faucet stem. Yeah. And I would have to find, like, match it up to these big ring leaf binders. Like, you know, like, well, it looks like it's an Elkin.

Mm-hmm. And then you hold it up to, like, a silhouette. Yeah, sure. Get the number and go back. I mean, of like 700 different faucet stems. God, it must have been so satisfying when you started to kind of recognize something. Well, and also just like I kind of know about plumbing. Yeah.

You know, I mean, I can fix things. You know, I can put in my own garbage disposal and I can install a toilet, you know, I've, you know, I can put in my own garbage disposal and I can, you know, I can install a toilet, you know, things like that. My lady urinal has been backing up and I've not been able to admit to anyone that I have a urinal. So this is. What the fuck is going in there? Kidney stones. Oh, is it kidney stones?

Almost exclusively kidney stones. Everything inside comes out as like a gem. It looks like a little sparkling yellow diamond. Clang, clang, clang. Yeah, yeah. Ping, pang, pang. Somebody's got to look at it. It's an Elkin, so you should be well-suited to come in and tinker.

No, I remember being a kid and opening up this page, and it's like, you know, like female urinal. And like, what? Yeah. What? Yeah. What is it? What does it look like? It's just, it's a urinal, but it has like a...

In the shape of a heart. No. Because ladies like hearts. It has, it basically, it's a, you know, it's a urinal that you squat over. So it sort of has like a protrusion coming out, like, you know, like a basket, like a toll basket. Okay. You know, off the front of it. toll basket, you know, off the front of it.

Every guy has got to pay. That's right. Come on, right there. But it's just, to me, it always struck me as like just the, just female garments, like, but you pull everything to the side. Do you take your underwear off? Like it always very strange to me. In Japan, when I was in Japan there,

it's amazing to me that they have the fanciest, most expensive toilets in some places. Yes. And then, and not necessarily, and then a hole in the ground for other places without there, there was, it didn't feel like there was a relationship to the status of the place I was. Like I could be in an incredibly upscale restaurant and it would be the hole in the ground was. Like I could be in an incredibly upscale restaurant. Yeah. And it would be the hole in the ground. Yeah. And then I could be at a gas station.

It would be like the thing that talks to you and plays music and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, but I, that was really a moment of like, I consider myself to be not particularly, you know, I have no dignity is I guess what I'm saying. So in practice, I mean, I looked at it and I was like, I get it. Like, okay. But then there is a level to sort of like, well, I'm wearing a long summery dress. Yes.

Where, how do I hike that? Like, what are the logistics of this? This is challenging. Yeah, and also, if, you know, while defecating, how can one be sure to get their garments out of the way? Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. When it's just a whole, and I was like, when it has, like, because I saw this in Japan,

too, like, that has, like, two, like, foot pads. Like, so it's obvious, like, put your feet here. Oh, okay. Kind of like, okay. I don't know, you know. I was hoping that you were saying they were pedals of some kind. No, no. They were just, like, sort of, like, non-skid sort of treads that were shoe size on either side of the hole.

I was like, oh, well, that's handy. I know where to put my feet at least. And then just a little diagram of a guy like making sure his pants are out of the way. I guess. I guess. I don't know. Just seems like a very dangerous cantilever. Yeah.

Well, so you end up in San Francisco. Yep. And are you performing when you go up there? Are you, you know? I had kind of, again, not unlike your dad who wanted to be in Monterey, I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do in San Francisco, but I choose that city. I just want to be there. Yeah.

I want to be the girl who lives in San Francisco, not the actress who lives in San Francisco. Totally understandable. That place is crazy beautiful. forming a band with a couple people that I worked with. And so we were playing out under the name Blood Orange. Now there is another Blood Orange. Couldn't tell you why we were named that. And then we moved on to Mind the Gap because our basis was British. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And a very, very aggressive football slash soccer fan. Oh, right, right.

Just very aggressive. Really? Yeah. That was my first taste of like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't hit that person you don't know. Yeah, because they said something about your team. Yeah, they said something about your voice. So I was, yeah, so I was doing music and stuff, but I wasn't really, I had already done all my performance credits when I finally started at SF State.

All my performance stuff was like all the front-facing stuff I had already done because I was an asshole at my old school. You know, my first college was like, well, I'm a performer, so I'll take all the performance. And so what I had left over was like the back side, which was design. The eat your vegetables kind of stuff. Which is what I thought of as the eat your vegetables. And then I came to found out I loved that stuff even way more than performance stuff. I loved playwriting. I loved theater design. I loved playwriting. I loved theater design.

I loved the shop. I loved making scenery. Absolutely. Learning how to use all the different saws. Learning how to cut metal. No one told me I was going to learn how to cut metal and weld. I know. As part of a theater major?

Yeah, yeah. Yes, please. It was awesome. So little did I know. And also so much more useful than learning how to fence. Ugh. Like all that. I still am amazed. I still don't know how to juggle, and many people have tried to teach me in and out of school.

Sword fighting. Why the fuck do I need sword fighting? Listen, Andy, when the shit goes down, you're going to wish you knew how to fence. All I need is a child's aluminum softball bat, a T-ball bat. That's my home security system. Wonderful. Yeah, yeah. I have a Nerf bat. That's my home security system. Wonderful. Yeah, yeah. I have a Nerf bat. Is that ill-advised?

No, no. That's like, yeah. You might get them with laughter. Kill them with laughter if that's the case. You know what? That's a very Mormon response. That actually, kill them with kindness. I'll make them Rice Krispie treats, which I feel was like the national food of Mormonism.

Oh, it seems like it. Yeah. Well, you can't have anything else. So sugar becomes like the most important thing in the world to you. Of course, yeah. No tobacco, no booze. No caffeine. No caffeine.

That's the thing that's crazy too. Yeah. Come on. I think there's a lot of people. Loosen up on that already. I think maybe it has even loosened up. Yeah. A lot of people are out there drinking their Diet Cokes.

Yeah, yeah. And their coffee. Yeah. And there's not even like really, I mean, the booze I can understand, but caffeine? Yeah. I mean, come on. I know. Like it's, you know, you can understand like halal and kosher because they, back in those

days. The process means so much. Yeah, eating pig meat was probably, they probably started noticing, you know what, people that eat pig tend to die. Yeah. Let's say no pig. Let's say God says no pig tend to die. Yeah. Let's say no pig. Let's say God says no pig. Makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So there's some logic to it. But caffeine, come on. I mean, it's addictive. I guess. Yeah, but it's always sugar. I know.

I know. I know. Well, that's what's amazing is that that skirted under and you can just gorge. Anyway, we need to go to Salt Lake and set those people straight. And that's exactly what they did. Cut to. Yeah. So so you just start kind of falling into performing then.

I know you said you were part of a group that just started doing sketch work. And yeah. And that was in San Francisco. It was. And it was through SF State because it was somebody that a friend of mine who was in the theater department that I had become pals with had decided that he wanted to form a sketch group. And he actually ended up dropping out of the group fairly quickly. So it was funny that he brought these other people together. But he brought together me and my two partners now and that I produce Sketch Fest with David Owen and Cole Stratton. And then another friend of ours, Gabe Diani, who's an independent filmmaker down here. And we started doing Sketch Fest, but I was terrified.

I mean, I had no background in comedy at all. I hadn't written anything. I was like the funny kid in the classroom, but the serious kid in Shakespeare. And so for me, it was terrifying, which is just funny because people now are like, oh, wow. So, yeah, comedy. That's got – so from a young age, huh? And I'm always like, no, no. I was afraid of improv when I was in college. I was like, oh, I could never do that, you know. Yeah.

But they – so I really – I have to kind of credit them for my entire life changing because they were so supportive. And we – it was just a great place to learn how to write funny stuff and perform funny stuff. And then we ended up performing the festival, which is also a huge part of my life. Was that before you came down here? Yeah, yeah. This next year will be our 19th year. And I performed in it many, many times, and it's really, really a fun thing to do. What if you were just like, it's just garbage, Janet.

It's just garbage. That's so confrontational, Andy. It's the first I'm hearing about it. Let's make 19th the last year, please. Okay, well, that seems like a good year to quit. No, it's really – and it's gotten so big, too. Yeah. You've got every year, it's like, because I mean, I remember years ago, like hanging out late with Zach, and this is totally name dropping.

Yeah. John Hamm, Zach Galifianakis in, I think, my hotel room. Yep. And somebody else, somebody that drives for it, and I'm forgetting her name. Probably Andrea. Andrea. It was Andrea. Hanging out, drinking, run out of booze. somebody that drives for it and i'm forgetting her name probably andrea andrea it was andrea hanging out drinking run out of booze it's like three o'clock in the morning and they're like we're gonna go across the street to the hilton or whatever it was like a hilton or a sheraton or something yeah and we're gonna talk them into giving us some some minis like some some

mini bar liquor and i was like i not. I'm going to bed. Goodbye. And they all left. And those fuckers went across the street and talked the guy behind the front desk into going and giving them just handfuls. I would just love to see video of that. Wouldn't you love to see that happen? Like probably putting him, Zach, probably filling his shirt with them, you know?

Yeah, absolutely. So, you know. That was, that, I know the festival you're talking about. And that was like, it was probably 10 years ago, maybe. Yeah, yeah. It was an early, early festival. Yeah, no, because it had been on, but it was maybe my second year doing something too. Yeah.

I also too, at the Sketch Festival, I would have opportunities to do stand-up too. Somebody would ask me to do their show and I would go, okay, what do you want me to do? And they go, Oh, whatever you want to do. I'm like, Oh fuck. Uh, okay. I guess I'll think of something. Um, and then I, and I always thought like, Oh, I should, I should learn how to do stand up, especially because for a lot of people that I know, there's a lot of people that I came up with improv who get to be grownups with kids and they need in between jobs ways to go make money. And you can go make money. Yeah.

If you've been in a few movies and you have a sellable name, you can go do standup. And I thought, I guess this is something I should sort of learn how to do. And I tried it and I tried it. And I was actually hosting a night as part of the Sketch Fest at Cobb's. I was the host of a showcase of Conan writers who did stand-up. Oh, yeah, yeah. And stand-ups that had been on the Conan show. And it was in the middle of my 10 minutes that I decided, I don't like this.

I don't like being up here alone. I'm not. I couldn't do it either. I don't like this. I don't like being up here alone. I'm not, I couldn't do it either. I don't care about this. I don't care about like the laughter that I'm making these, that I'm listening from these strangers. It doesn't feed me. It's not getting you high like it gets something high. Yeah. I just, I'm not that kind of person. And I was like, I can't remember, it might've been a part of an interl or somebody like that. But I was just like, all right, I'm done. Anyway, our first comic.

Just turned off. Yeah, yeah. Just completely flipped the switch. Done. And I haven't done it since. Great. Whoever, you know, I was supposed to do another five minutes or something. So somebody had to kind of scramble to get on stage.

I'm sure it was fine. Comedians aren't usually that disappointed. Oh, no, no, no. Get an extra amount of time for their set. Get me out of here quicker. Yeah. But I have had so much fun just doing Jimmy Parton used to do match game up there. I was just going to bring that up because for me, that was maybe the first time I got to do something with you. Yeah. And it was an, it was a situation in which, I mean, I knew how funny you

were, but I had, but I was so much more accustomed to like watching your scripted sitcoms or having you on the couch with Conan. But you're sort of silent but deadly in that way sometimes where you just slip in a thing or two. And when we did Match Game together, the number one thing I walked away from with that was like, fuck, that guy's a fucking genius. Oh, wow. Like, he is so funny off the cuff. Wow, thank you so much. I was so impressed. Thank you so much. Like, I just loved it. I loved it. I would is so funny off the cuff. Wow, thank you so much. I was so impressed. Thank you so much.

Like I just loved it. I loved it. I would do that every day with you. Oh, and I love doing it too because it's truly, truly fun. Yeah. It's truly fun. It's the opposite. It's just that spontaneous gameplay, right?

Absolutely. And that's what has driven me in my career is being funny with funny people. It's all I fucking care about. I don't like the, I don't get that charge from the audience that people did. I guess my parents did a good enough job giving me attention that I don't, I'm there. Isn't this hole that can't be filled.

And, and I just, you know, when I did used to do improv in Chicago and something, you know, there's always, you know, something that just you're not accustomed to anymore. But just like boilers out, you know, like it's 40 degrees in the basement of the Italian restaurant where we do comedy. So we'd show up and no show. There's no heat. There's no show. All right, let's no show all right let's go fucking

drink let's just go and that to me was more fun and more exciting and actually probably more enriching in terms of just me as a comedy artist dare i say it was because i you know it's like you don't have all those strangers you got to worry about. You can just like play tennis with each other's minds. Absolutely. Do you have that urge to still do like full on improv? No, no, I don't. I don't. And as I've said, because I also, too, I'm not a I'm not an improv stalwart.

It was a it was a it was a great thing to do. But I set out to be a film actor. I went to film school. I wanted to work in films. And I still – that's what I wanted to be. And, like, I don't care about being on stage in the theater. I wanted to be a film actor, and that's the kind of acting that I aspire to and that I studied and I wanted to do. And then I was in Chicago and I'm a writer kind of and an actor kind of.

And there's this – but like terrible attention span issues, terrible can't sit down and get anything written. Yeah, I get that. And like, okay, I get to – wait, stand around with five or six people and just think stuff up. And so I'm writing and performing all at once and don't have to, and don't get, like, don't have to, don't get to think about either one too much. Yes. Fantastic. I respond to it a million times. But at a certain point, I realized this isn't going to go beyond a room full of maybe 200 people. Yeah.

Because if it gets bigger than 200 people, it doesn't work so good. If it gets on television, it doesn't work so good because the remote control is the death of improv. Nobody's going to sit and wait to see people discover where they are and what the game is when they can flip over two-step, you know, like click, click to fucking Love Island or whatever the hell. Right, right. So I always – I never saw improv as anything more than, you know, it's like a – it's poetry. It's – no, it's poetry.

It's not going to – you're not going to have like mega blockbuster poems. For sure. You're not going to have mega blockbuster improv shows. But you will have people who are good at improv who then go on to make movies or television shows or write books or do whatever. Yeah. And nowadays, too, the notion, because I have, you know, like a lot of the UCB people, you know, like Besser, Matt Besser, a little younger than me, is doing improv every day. Walsh used to do that a lot. The people that end up having kids do it less. But really devoted to keeping this going.

And it really does keep your mind muscular. But I've always said, I don't leave the house to get nervous. Right. And that's what going to do improv now is. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I'm going to go get nervous? Yeah. No, I don't.

If I leave the house, it's to get less nervous. Right. You know, it's like to go and enjoy something, not to be scared. Like, oh, shit, I got to entertain people. Yeah. And the last time I did do just pure improv was a UCB benefit that Besser had asked me to do in a very vague kind of way. It was like long-form improv will do scene work, and usually it's based off of monologues. This was people are going to sing a song, and then they'll do scene work based off whatever song they sing.

And he's like, do you want to sing a song and do this? And I was like, sure, yeah. based off whatever song they sing. And he's like, do you want to sing a song and do this? And I was like, sure, yeah. So I chose the State Song of Illinois as my song. Great. And I got there, and, you know, it was like Horatio Sands was there, and Ian was there,

and Amy Poehler was there. It was because it was a fundraiser kind of show. Yeah. And we're going on. I mean, it was literally a minute before we're going on. I'm looking around, and I realize, like, wait, we're all doing, am I just singing? No, no, no, we're all doing scene work.

And I was like, oh, fuck, I've got to do two hours of scene work, because it went long. That's like the dream that even non-performers have that's the nightmare. Yeah, fuck. I got to do two hours of scene work because it went long. That's like the dream that even non-performers have that's the nightmare. Yeah, yeah. Where you really are told like, no, you will be on stage. Right now. And things will be coming out of your mouth that you're not prepared for. You got to go do improv right now.

Yeah. And like I said, it lasted two hours. But it was a good thing that I didn't have five minutes to think about it. I only had one minute to think about it. And I was like, all right, well, fuck, I got to do it. But, and I did fine. I did well. I about it. I only had one minute to think about it and I was like, all right, well, fuck, I got to do it. But, and I did fine. I did well. I liked it. I liked singing, you know. Do you like Illinois? That's been established. By thy rivers gently flowing, Illinois, Illinois. By thy prairies verdant growing, Illinois,

Illinois. Comes an echo on the breeze rustling through the leafy trees And its mellow tones are these Illinois, Illinois And its mellow tones are these Illinois Wait, does it really end on that sort of minor key? Yeah, I don't know. I'm not that good a singer. But no, it's like, and it's mellow tones are these fucking gets me.

And that's the state of Illinois song. That is the state of Illinois song. Does Arizona have a song? They all got to have a song. Whoa. They all got to have a song. I don't think I've ever heard if there is one. I know what you're going to be Googling.

Yeah. I can't wait. But I got to, you know, and that was fun to sing the song. And also to realize there were like six fucking verses to the goddamn thing, you know, about like, you know, Lincoln and Douglas debate is thrown in there and like verse three. You gave them a lot of meat. I did. Your fellow improvisers, a lot to play with. Yeah.

But I got to the end of it. And like I say, I did fine and everything. And I was like, and I was talking to somebody afterwards and like, well, you lot to play with. Yeah, but I got to the end of it, and like I say, I did fine and everything, and I was like, and I was talking to somebody afterwards, and like, well, you should do it more. I'm like, no, that was plenty. I was good. I'm good until the next time I get surprised that I'm going to have to do improv.

I do it once a month, basically once a month, just with people that I wouldn't see otherwise. It really is sort of a – It gets to that. This will put me – this will take me out of my house. I will laugh a lot at the people that I'm playing with. And that was our hangout. I do that. I used to do shows like that and play cards just to get out of the house, especially when

my kids were little. It needs to be more structured for me. If it's just like, hey, we can go see this movie, there's such a good chance that I'm going to be like, I guess I don't need to see that movie right now. Let's cancel. Want to? Indian food? No, thanks. Yeah. Like my couch. Suddenly, no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it makes me accountable in kind of a different way. Now, the Sketch Festival getting so big, how has that changed your life? I mean, do you feel like now are people, is there a kiss-up factor now that happens? I don't think there's a kiss – I don't feel that I have – there's any kiss-up happening. I don't think – I mean, I wouldn't – maybe I wouldn't recognize it, but I'm not – I don't know that I'm in a position where anybody that I consider a peer would be welcome there. So it's not like, you know, suddenly I'm just, I'm teaching a class at UCB or something. I don't. So, but that would be, those would be the people I would imagine would,

you know, would be the sycophantic, if anything. I mean, it's, but it's, I don't know that it's that high of an honor either. It's a good reason why you don't leave the house. I can't, don't have these people clawing at you. I don't want to wonder if people are sincerely crazy about me. Well, how do you get down here? How do you get from San Francisco down to L.A.? Because you live here now. Yeah. Yeah.

And are you married or are you engaged? Engaged. Engaged, okay. But, yeah, we were doing sketch. I think we had maybe started the festival or maybe we were about to start the festival. think we'd maybe started the festival or maybe we're about to start the festival and uh and people would come up and scout like the like dave rath and cara welker had mined san francisco for janine garofalo and pat noswald and i think probably greg barrett as well i don't know a bunch of people in san francisco that had you know gone down to really successful careers and

so they they they were there were a few different managers who I think kind of knew from past experience, like, this is a good place to find new faces. Oh, wow. And then also the Aspen Comedy Festival came and scouted sketch groups in San Francisco. And so they invited our sketch group to Aspen. So that was sort of the tipping point for me was doing that and having a manager say, hey, why don't you just come down for the next pilot season? Just sleep on someone's couch, audition for stuff. And I thought that sounded hilarious and unbelievable. I was like,

you know what? Because the job that I had just had had ended. We actually closed a store that was no longer in operation. Australian or miniatures? By then I had moved on to sort of a she-she yet fun home furnishing store called Filamento. And the owner retired and she didn't want to sell it or anything, so we just sort of shuttered it. But I was like, yeah, I mean, I guess if ever there's a time for me to do this, I guess it's now. And so I went down and it just seemed so preposterous to me. I felt like I was playing the role of someone auditioning for stuff. I really was like, my only job is to put on this short skirt

and follow these MapQuest directions. Like, that's my job today. Crazy. Now, what had your plan been up to, like, in San Francisco? Like, what was your goal? Did you have? I don't think I was that goal-oriented. I think I wanted to.

I had become quite fond of working in, like, interior design. I worked for an interior design firm in project management, and I worked as a buyer and sort of merchandise manager for the home furnishing store. So I think without, I was a person very fearful to create any goals lest I disappoint myself. So I really sort of skated on like, what's the next thing that might come my way? But I think I had maybe to own a store or to be a designer or something. Oh, cool. You know, but like, you know, as a sort of pie in the sky. As a vague thing. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I think that's a totally legitimate way to just sort of be like, just remain open to what's next. Yeah. You know, without any sort of like grand scheme because, yeah, you're right. You are kind of disappointment-proofing yourself if you're like, well, you know, whatever's next is whatever's next. It's a very fluid concept as opposed to, you know, I'm not on SNL.

Right. And no one was ever asking me that until I came down here. And then my manager started having, you know, they were like, take all these agent meetings. And agents' favorite question at that time were like, where do you see yourself in five years? And I had no idea at all. And actually, coincidentally, I think that the thing that bubbled out of my mouth was like, I want to be the next Conan. Only because in my mind that had more, that was less obnoxious than saying I wanted to be like Jennifer Aniston or somebody. Yeah, yeah. I was like, I want to, I love being myself. I like hosting stuff.

I like talking to people. I would love to have a production company and make other people's stuff, you know. And I think the light just went out of their eyes. They were like, oh, you're like a smart person who doesn't – like I think they wanted me to say – Say, I want to be Jennifer Aniston. Yeah, I see myself on a hit sitcom for 12 years. I was like, who would – I already knew the odds of that. There was no way. I was like, who would? I already knew the odds of that. There was no way.

I was far too pragmatic. But that to them, like they understand that. Yeah. And they probably laughed at them and were like, lady in late night. As if that'll ever happen. They weren't wrong about that. Yeah, no, they don't. Yeah, they're like, how do we make you into a late night talk show host?

They don't know how to do that. Like how do we make you into a late night talk show host? They don't know how to do that. How do we like follow the well-worn path to you being on a sitcom? That we can do. Yeah. Because we will tell you the same things that we told every other woman that has come in here. So you just ended up staying.

Yeah. Yeah. Once I started getting jobs or even getting close to jobs as quickly as I did, which is something you have to learn, right? People tell you, like, you actually should feel good about this. I know you didn't get it. Yeah, yeah. But you're going to have to start looking at success differently or you will kill yourself. And you can feel the difference, too. And you can feel the difference.

You can feel like, okay, shit, I almost got that one. Actually, I did, yeah. Listen, if it's between me and Tori Spelling, I got to be doing something right. Uh-huh. That was my first disappointment. I've said that so many times. Right? So many times.

That lady. Yeah. I think the last one, because I mean, the last thing where I was like really close to it, it like went to Ving Rhames. Yeah. It's so great when it's someone so different. I lost another one to Ving Rhames. Damn it. Yeah.

You don't have to own any of that when it's someone so different. Yeah. They just did not want me. Well, you can turn it that way, too. Yeah. But, yeah. How was that for you? It was scary.

Having been such a San Francisco lover. I was so – I had really drank the Kool-Aid on LA sucks and San Francisco is the best based on a few things that aren't untrue about both cities. But usually generated by San Franciscans. Oh, yeah. The whole like the rivalry that LA doesn't know about that San Francisco feels exists. And that's usually the way it happens. Yeah. And then, yeah, when I came down, I mean, the scariest moment was sort of like getting a job.

I ended up on dinner in a movie, I think, like within six months of having officially moved to L.A. Yeah. That's great. And it was terrifying. Steady paycheck. Yeah. Because I thought immediately, like, somehow this is going to go away. Somehow I'm going to get fired.

going to go away. Somehow I'm going to get fired. And also just that sort of sense of acknowledgement of settling into something and going, oh, this is like a job I really care about. Yeah. And I've managed to not be particularly attached to a career up to this point. And it's, that's been very safe to do the thing that's like, ah, what's next? I don't know. Hmm. Yeah. This, oh, this, these guys are hiring. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And so that really was, that was a scary moment.

And I was like, oh, no, I want to do this. Yeah, yeah. Yikes. Well, so where, I mean, one of the questions that we're here to answer is like, you know, where are you going? I see myself as the next Conan O'Brien. And I mean that as of today. That guy's got to go. I'm getting rid of him.

Good luck. Honestly, he will die on that. I'm going to go by Kona so that we can just take the N off. He will die on that stage. No, I don't know. I mean, I really have no idea. I love that we're still doing the festival. And I would love to, you know, I've been writing and pitching more.

And I'm working on a pilot that my partners and I sold to IFC. So we're in the middle of our second draft of that. And that's been really fun. It's been really fun to be just working with my brain and not necessarily going to a fitting. I actually was just at one. You cannot answer this at all, but I mean, is this running the sketch fest now?

Has it become like a good lucrative kind of thing for you? I mean, is it like, does it make enough money to warrant the amount of work? Because I'm sure that early on it was way more work than it was money. Early on there was no sense in ever trying to think about how much per hour we were getting paid. Like it was, you know, a tenth of a cent, I think, for many years. It is definitely something that I couldn't survive on it, but it feels much more like there's a relationship there between work and actually getting paid something.

Because especially as you get older, you've got to make some money on stuff. You just, you know, it just happens as you get older where it's like, I can't do this for free anymore. Yeah, especially when it's that tiring. It has got to be. How much of your time does it consume? Like in terms of like a year, like is it three months of your life? I mean, that has grown as the festival has grown. Now we also co-produce other stuff around the other parts of the year in San Francisco.

So, you know, there's a handful of hours even just right after our festival, after we sort of close the books on that festival. It's already – we're already – we're already doing a weekly conference call with like Clusterfest or whatever. We've already doing a weekly conference call with, like, Clusterfest or whatever. But – and then as we kind of edge into the fall, like, it becomes more and more consuming. And so, you know, sometimes we joke, like, you know, SF Sketch Fest, ruining Christmas since 2001. Oh, well. I remember one year Dave called Fred Willard on Thanksgiving because we were so desperate to try to get him confirmed before we like put together our little tiny program. Oh, wow. It was just like that, you know, I would spend like New Year's Eve just like reviewing like bleary-eyed, red-eyed.

Making sure you got everything covered. Like what's in the program? What typos should I find? Yeah, yeah. So it's better than that now because we have an amazing staff. But it's definitely like sort of – certainly you have to get good at having a list that never gets shorter that you can still walk away from and go to sleep at night. Yes. Because – and that was the hardest thing for me because I felt like I have to work until everything's checked off this list. Yeah.

And that was never going to happen. Yeah, yeah. So once I kind of accepted like, no, no, no, that's what this will look like, and it will all get done, or some of it won't, and it will be okay. Yep. I had to really learn that, and it's something I have to keep teaching myself every year. Like, I have to go, oh, I've been through this before. This feels insurmountable, but I've been through this before somehow. Is that a lesson, getting to the – because we've got to – we're getting towards the end here.

In the what have you learned part, is that something that you expand into the rest of your life, that kind of letting go? Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I definitely am sort of more high strung than I would like to be. Yeah. And I guess I feel like I should have had the ambition to go with it if I was going to be this anxious, but I just didn't. Yeah. So, you know, now I think I'm better at being able to take a step back in a moment of stress and go, well, just didn't. So, you know, now I think I'm better at being able to take a step back in a moment of stress and go, well, now hang on. Like how much energy, yes, I need to put energy into solving the problem, but like how much energy am I burning just being really stressed

out about this thing that feels so important that I've had so many of these moments that I now can't even remember most of them. Yeah. Like, so it can't be, you know, I have to fast forward to the moment when this is not even going to be a thing I remember. Yeah, yeah. And make some sort of connection with that. And then I can kind of let it go and fix it without all of that surplus energy that goes

into freaking out about something. And so you are in it, you figure yourself as an anxious person. Yeah. I think I'm fairly, I don't want to be, I mean, no one wants to say that, but I think I have, yeah, I mean, I definitely have. And was there a point like where you're just like, I don't want to do this anymore, like be like this anymore. And you, you know. No. Yeah.

I mean, I, I've, I, I mean, yes, I would not like to, I would not like to be like this anymore, but I mean, I've got, I think I'm getting better as I get older. And is the coping just really, like you say, like just looking at previous examples of freak outs and how it worked out fine? Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the boring answer. And it's the answer that, you know, adults tell you when you're a teenager that is just meaningless. Like it doesn't, it just goes in one ear and out the other. Like it doesn't mean anything to be so like, well, when you're a little older,

you accumulate this experience and the experience will teach you to like, shut up adult. But that is, you know, there's a certain amount of stuff that's like, you know, I don't like now if I'm in a situation where, because I, it's, we're not going to go into this now, but like I have a history of like panic attacks and stuff when I was in early years of college. Now, when I start to feel that feeling, this, like the tired old person in me is like, I don't have the energy for a panic attack. I just got to move. Can we, I'm just going to skip to the other side of this thing. I'm like, that's a real thing. It's progress. But I'll take it. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. No, I have always thought like there's so many things in life that where you're just like, it's almost like

brainwashing yourself or you feel this sort of anxious urge towards something and you're just like, nope, I'm not going to do that. And you can ask yourself or, you know, I mean, I have asked myself, well, yeah, but am I not just kind of playing a trick on myself? Am I not just like going, well, I'm just going to not, you know, I'm just going to shove it in a box and think and not think about it, which is, you know, you're not supposed to just shove things in a box and not think about it, but it's like, hey, it works. Yeah. Hey, and am I playing a trick on myself?

Who fucking cares? You know, the cortisol level stays down and the life gets lengthened. Absolutely. Yeah. And the other thing for me, I think just to close off that, that conversation, I guess, is that the older I get, the more comfort I take in being just so normal in the way that I am anxious or so normal in the way that I grieve or so normal in the way that I get excited. Like, you know, I think when you're younger, you want to feel special in certain ways. And sometimes that sort of like consumes itself and it has this adverse effect where you're like, oh, I'm broken in this very unique way. And now I, there's honestly, and it's not because I wish ill on

anyone else, but nothing truly really gives me more comfort than when someone else is like, you know, like everyone goes through this. Or, you know, we all feel that way. Or, you know, oh, you're going through this thing with your parents getting older. Like, guess what? You're so not alone in that, you know. And that feels, just feeling like not a freak. Yeah. Gives me so much.

Okay, well, so people have been getting through this stuff for hundreds of years now. I will get through this, you know. Yeah. Gives me so much. Okay, well, so people have been getting through this stuff for hundreds of years now. I will get through this, you know. Well, seems as good a place as any. And that's one of the ones I was dreading this,

you know, podcast. But I was like, people have been getting through podcasts for tens of years. Tens of years. A couple of years. I will survive Andy Richter.

You will. And I'm still alive to tell the tale. And you did it swimmingly. Oh, thank you. This is a really fun conversation. Thanks for having me, Andy. I was very excited to be invited.

Well, I'm glad you could do it. I mean, you know, you had me on yours. I have you on mine. The little this, the little that. You know, it's how it works. Our backs are washed. All right. Well, Janet it's how it works. Our backs are washed. All right. Well, Janet, thank you so much.

Thank you so much for coming in. Thanks, Andy. And it was great to see you. It was a good excuse just to do that. I know. And thank you, everyone out there, for listening to the three questions. We will be back next time with more shit to blow your mind. I've got a big, big love for you. time with more shit to blow your mind.

The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco and Earwolf production. It's produced by me, Kevin Bartelt, executive produced by Adam Sachs and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, associate produced by Jen Samples and Galit Zahayek, and engineered by Will Becton. And if you haven't already, make sure to rate and review The Three Questions with Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.