The Three Questions with Andy Richter - John Hodgman

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

John Hodgman joins Andy Richter to discuss dabbling in demonology, the importance of feedback, why Mr. Peanut is so terrifying, the joys of being an only child, and his role in the new Hulu musical romantic comedy series "Up Here."

I am going to use my favorite feature of Zoom, hide self-view. See, mine, I just blow it up. I do full screen of just myself. And then every conversation is so romantic. I hide self-view because I will only look at myself. Yeah. No, I did. Yeah, I agree.

I don't hide it. I don't hide it now. But yes, I agree. I can't. People are always amazed how, and I don't know how you feel about this, but how as an actor, amazed how, and I don't know how you feel about this, but how as an actor, you can always, always, always absolutely loathe the sight of your own face. Cannot stand it.

Just the worst. Cannot stand it. Will not look at anything that I am in. Yeah. And luckily, there's not too much of it. So I get, it's just fine. Yeah. Tell me about it. These days, it's less and less.

I'm a rare commodity, which means I'm underemployed. No, you're scarce. You're a scarce resource. Yes. There's only one in existence. I'll tell you one thing. I haven't had enough Andy Richter in my life. Oh, well, thank you very much. It's been a long time since I've seen you even thing. I haven't had enough Andy Richter in my life. Oh, well, thank you very much.

It's been a long time since I've seen you even virtually. It sure has. By the way, I'm talking to John Hodgman. You know that already, though. I mean, they could probably just tell from the voice. Either John Hodgman or Bob Vila, one or the other. Yeah, I don't know. I can't hang a shelf, but I can talk on a podcast. Are you not handy? What did I do that was fairly handy? Oh, I relit my hot water heater after we had a flood in the basement. Yeah, yeah.

And that was a thing that, like, I could have died, and I didn't. So I feel good about that. Because there's an electrocution issue there. Oh, no, excuse me, an explosion issue. Because it's a gas. Yeah, that's right. Sorry. And just hit your head and die from inhalation, you know?

Right. The whole family could die. I could scrape my finger and go, ah! And then fall over, hit my head on the hot water heater, and have a concussion and die that way. That's right. Yeah. Or get tetanus. And then, you know, get lockjaw. I once was bitten by a dog in Portugal and I had to have a series of shots, Portuguese shots.

Really? Yeah. Was it like a street dog? It was the leader of a pack of dock dogs. Wow. Oh, my God. That is like that warrants a series of Portuguese shots. I had to get some Portuguese shots.

I was visiting there with my then girlfriend, now wife, and whole human being in her own right. Yeah. And we were young. I mean, I think I was 19 or 20. Yeah. And we were visiting Portugal, and someone told us to go to the town of Sagres, which is how you pronounce it, apparently. And it's the very eastern, excuse me, western tip of Portugal. And it was believed to be the end of the world back before they did a lot of exploration.

Right. Before people weren't dumb. Right, beyond that, here be monsters and then probably a big waterfall and that was it. Yep, the open portal to hell. Finally. Personally, that's what I was after, Andy, because as you know, even at 19, I was an avid demon hunter.

Now, my girlfriend, now my wife, being on her own right, didn't know this at the time. Well, she knew, but she was like, why do you want to go to this place? That big leather bag that you dragged around everywhere was. It's like an old-timey doctor bag. Don't look in there, dear. That's my kid. It's full of holy water and crosses. She's like, why are we going to Sagres? I'm like, well, you know, this was where Henry the Navigator had his famous school of

navigation. It's supposed to be beautiful. My friend Adam told me that there's a great B&B in town and they make a good squid salad or whatever. Yeah. I was there to hunt demons. She found me out. Are these ceremonial daggers? There's only nine of them. That's all you need. That's all you need. Nine silver daggers. Well, where did the dog bite you?

I mean, at the docks, obviously, but I mean, on your person. Where would you think a dock dog would bite a scared American? Uh, I'm going to say like Achilles tendon or back or calf, but is the answer. But as you're running, I got a butt, a butt bite from a dock dog as I was running away.

We, we went down, we went down to the docks of an evening to, to check it out. Right. For a stroll. for a stroll. For a stroll, and lying on this abandoned fishnet was this pack of dogs all just cuddled up together in the sunset. And I'm going to say there were like eight or nine of them.

Yeah. And they look very placid and cute. Yeah. So I said, I'm going to pet one of those dogs because that's what I do. Yeah, of course. That's what they're there for. That's right. Well, that's not their opinion. Their opinion is, I'm here

to eat your sweet flesh. I went up to the one and one of them was very docile and came up and allowed itself to be scritched on the head. Yeah. And then in the leader of the pack the alpha dog was like what the fuck are you doing to that other dog what are you doing letting that guy scritch your head yeah and i started barking at me and then they all got up

at once and and jumped me or tried right this is what the boss is doing so we better follow through exactly so we turned and ran and uh and my my then girlfriend and whole human being in her own right ran off in one direction and i tried to lead them away from her by yelling and screaming right uh and then i jumped onto a big concrete pylon and they barked at me for a while but one of them and i think it it was the leader. I think, I'd hate it if it was like the beta who bit me. Yeah, a scrub. I hope I was, yeah, I hope I was bitten by the alpha. Yeah. But I got a bite in the butt from one of those dogs,

and I just, I booked it. I've never run faster, because I thought I was going to be mauled to death by dog dogs. Sure. What a way to go. Well, you know, honestly. I have always said that I wouldn't mind if I was at least used for protein. That's fair.

That would, you know, I mean, it's such a waste of all, you know, there's a lot of tender flesh going to waste here. All those people are having their ashes entwined with the roots of a tree. Right. Very poetic. Right. But wouldn't you rather be the snack of an apex predator? Precisely. Yeah.

Grizzly bear food. Precisely. But they didn't they didn't get me. When I adopted my dog, it was in a storefront on Fairfax Avenue. And when we said, yeah, we're going to take that up, my daughter and I were there. I drove around the back to load up the gazillion dollars worth of dog stuff that I was also purchasing with the dog. And she said, yeah, just come on through the back. And both the front and the back had kind of an airlock because there were a bunch of rescue dogs running around the place.

So I'd come through the back door and to one side, to the left, there's kind of a storeroom and to the right, there's a little office. And so I go to the airlock door and I'm opening it up. And that's when the pit bull that was in the office latched himself onto the back of my knee. Oh, no. Yes. And just a quick one, you know, and it didn't break my pants, but it did cause some bleeding. And man, it hurt. It's like, I'm not, I'm very, very tough. Very macho.

Everyone knows Andy Richter. High threshold of pain. Incredibly low threshold for crying, though. Primarily known as an endurance artist. That's correct. That's correct. Yeah. But, yeah, but I mean, and I'm just so, I don't know whether it's Midwestern or the medication, but I just was like, well, that sucks.

Maybe you should have told me there was a dog back there. But the lady that, you know, ran the thing, I could see that. Please don't sue me. Please don't sue me. Please don't sue me in her eyes. Yeah. A lot of people think that, Andy, that you and I met through televised entertainment. No.

But in fact, we both came up through the Kearney Circuit. That's correct. We were working small state fairs. Yeah. You were doing endurance artistry. Right. I mean, on the street, they call it ball torture. On the street, but on the midway. Yeah. On the midway. Ball it ball torture. On the street, but on the midway.

Yeah. On the midway. Ball and sack torture. But yeah, on the midway. Roll up for the endurance artistry. Yeah, yeah. You know, people would shoot at you with paintballs. That's right.

And you'd stick knives through your nipples and stuff like that. Sure, sure. Whereas a couple of tents down, I was performing exorcisms. and stuff like that. Whereas a couple of tents down, I was performing exorcisms. It's amazing how many times that kid got possessed. He was possessed four times a day.

I know. They love the exorcisms. The kids love the exorcisms. And the thing is, honestly, it was only five tickets to get exercised. Do you know what I mean?

That's less than it costs to ride on the zipper. You know what I mean? So they were like, the kids were it costs to ride on the zipper. You know what I mean? So they were like, the kids were, the kids were like, yeah, I'll go in there

and get sprinkled with holy water. Don't have enough tickets for the Tilt-A-Whirl, but hey, to see a demon fly out of a teen's mouth, I'll be there.

That's right. That's right. Split pea soup. Where are you at today? Where, what's, what is happening? Oh,

it's just, we're sending a tail, we're sending a yarn. If people tuned into this expecting there to be a point, sorry, folks. Maybe I should have put that disclaimer up front, but we're not that far into it. If you're not going to use it, do you mind if I start a podcast called Sorry, Folks? Sorry, folks. It's John Hodgman again.

Go right ahead. Go right ahead. I'm in Brooklyn, New York, where I live. Oh, nice. Brooklyn. Brooklyn. And is this where you do the Judge John Hodgman podcast from? Oh, thank you for mentioning that.

A lot of people do think of me primarily as a demonologist, but I do have a podcast. Yes. The Judge John Hodgman podcast airs every Wednesday. Airs whatever it is. Streams. Yeah. Exists every Wednesday on MaximumFun.org. Is available.

Is available. Is made available. Wherever you get your podcasts, it comes to you from MaximumFun.org every week. And I judge people's disputes like the people's court used to do. It got canceled. Did you hear that? Oh, did it really? Yeah, People's Court got canceled finally.

See, I never watch daytime TV, so when I see things that are on, I'm like, oh my God, that's still on. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's an IP that won't, they'll bring it back, I'm sure. Of course. No, it's, I mean, it's like I noticed,

I saw somewhere like Judge Judy is no longer Judge Judy. No. She's like, you know, Sh somewhere like Judge Judy is no longer Judge Judy. No. She's like, you know, Shindlin Court or something like that. I wonder if she's even allowed to call herself Judge Judy anymore. Yeah, but I mean, but it's weird because she obviously must own it now herself. She does own herself. That is still technically allowed in this country. herself. That is still technically allowed in this country.

Well, but she, you know, good Lord, the money that Judge Judy has from doing that, and then for there to be some problem where it's like we got to shake up, shake it up. We got to shake up daytime. Yeah, we got to change the

title. It'll be virtually the same, but, you know. She moved for money. She's streaming now. I think she's on Netflix or something like that. Yeah, I don't think she's syndicated television anymore. Wow. Well, that's a good, judging must be fun. It's a, it's really, really, really fun. You know, my, my partner in it and my co-host, Jesse Thorne, who owns the network Maximum Fun. I know Jesse, yes. You know Jesse, of course. Yes. He invited me to be on his podcast, Jordan, Jesse, Go, and to do this, to be a judge. He said, do you ever want to be like a judge and settle a dispute?

And I'm like, yeah, of course I am. I'm a weird only child know-it-all. Of course, that's what I want to do. It's all I've ever wanted to do is tell people who's right and who's wrong. Yeah. Can we do it in a grade school lunchroom? Yeah, exactly. Like, have these people finally listen to me, these bullies? Line up. I'm sorry to tell you, but the fog is better than Escape from New York. It simply is.

You wouldn't understand atmospheric. It's the best meteorological horror film around. Much better than The Sleet. So, but has it ever gone bad? Oh, so, but has it ever gone bad? Like, have you ever passed a judgment and then found out that it had some sort of real repercussion or anything, or is it all just for fun? It's all for fun. And I've never gotten, so, you know, the first one we did back when it was on Jesse's podcast was, is chili a soup or not? Right. And it's not. It's a stew.

Yeah, I think you're right. And since then, we've done... And then when I wanted to do a podcast on my own, I was like, this is the thing that I want to do. So Jesse and I set it up as its own thing, Judge Jen Hodgman podcast. And we've done lots and lots of different disputes between two best friends arguing over who gets to keep this mechanical toy giraffe they got when they were traveling in Tokyo.

And now one of them is moving across the country. Right. To like, you know, my boyfriend thinks it's funny to jump out of cupboards and scare me every time I come home. Like, don't do that. Don't scare people. It is kind of funny, though.. Like, don't do that. Don't scare people. It is kind of funny, though. I mean, don't do it. But yeah, it is kind of funny.

Don't don't. It's funny. It's funny for one person. Right. Right. It's like Internet videos of children getting hurt. Right. Right.

Of course, they're terrible. But I'm sorry. But many of them are very funny. You know, you get the disclaimer. he was all right, says mom. So that, you know, you're scot-free. You can enjoy it now. But I don't think that there have been any that have gone wrong where people's feelings were hurt. That's what I'm concerned about.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. And we've gotten kind of deep. Like, you'd be surprised at some of the deeper issues that sort of are underneath issues, like how many Disney's Frozen-themed snow globes are too many to own. I'm amazed that there's so many variations that that's even a variations that you even, that's even a question. I mean, there should only be five or six tops,

you know? You would think that that's true, but there are deep, there are weird issues about cohabiting, especially, it always,

it's almost always people who are cohabiting space whether they're romantic partners or roommates or whatever, but, you know,

it's like, when you are sharing your space and your bed, particularly with someone, a lot of stuff gets shoved under the covers and then you fart there. You know, that's what happens in a marriage. And, you know, a lot of stuff comes out through weird little disputes like that. So it gets real, but I hope it never hurts anybody's feelings. Right. We just had these two cousins, adult cousins, and one of them is about five years older than the other.

And when the young one was about two or three years old, they were both at a family reunion outside of Philadelphia. And the uncle who was hosting the reunion was a salesman for Planters Peanuts. So obviously he had a Mr. Peanut costume. Makes sense. Yeah, sure. And I don't know if you've looked at Mr. Peanut lately or particularly a Mr. Peanut costume. Scary.

Scary guy. Scary guy. Yeah, it's weird. Weird and also very aristocratic. Yeah. Particularly now. Haughty, even. He's a haughty nut. Yes. He's not a

nut of the working man. And not even a nut, really, when you want to get down to it. Yeah, you're right. He's a legume. Good point. When you see Mr. Peanut coming around, you're like, am I going to be evicted? What's happening? He bought the building. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Do I have to leave my family farm? And Mr. Peanut came out of the woods and scared. I've already cursed once on this. That's all right. You can. Well, he scared the legumes out of this little kid scared. I've already cursed once on this. That's all right. You can. Well, he scared the legumes out of this little kid. You know what I mean? She was so scared and traumatized.

And then he realized, the uncle realized that he was scaring her. So he ran to her to try to embrace her and say, no, no, it's just me. Your uncle. She was just more freaked out than ever. And he can't reveal his face quickly. No, because a Mr. Peanut costume, it takes, I don't know if you noticed, it takes 17 hours to apply the Mr. Peanut makeup. 17 hours in the chair to get it on. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's. That's what they used to do at Practical Effects. Now it's all CGI, of course. Of course. Of course. That's all of the planters, nuts, salesmen now go around with a special effects team. No, it's a big head costume like most mascots.

Yeah, exactly. And it goes down your whole body because your arms come out of the sides of the shell. Of course. Anyway. I think our listeners can picture it. As they grew up, the older cousin took delight in sending the younger cousin

pictures on the phone of Mr. Peanut from time to time just to freak her out. Just any time she saw Mr. Peanut in the world, take a picture of it, send it to her. So the younger cousin took her to court, the court of Judge John Hodgman, and said, please stop doing this. Stop sending me pictures of Mr. Peanut. Stop sending me pictures of Mr. Peanut. Oh, boy. And then the older cousin was like, well, I don't know that this is really as traumatic as the younger cousin says,

because we were having a conversation in a family group chat about Mr. Peanut and the younger cousin started speculating, is there Mr. Peanut fan fiction out there? And I'm like, Oh, wait a minute. Do you have an erotic association with Mr.

Peanut at this point? Cause that happens with family trauma. I'm not saying she was attracted to her, her own uncle dressed as Mr. Peanut, but like if, if it becomes the kind of something a little bit scary, sometimes there's the imp of the perverse is Edgar Allan Poe. When you stand on the edge of a cliff, you feel a perverse desire to jump off it. Precisely.

And maybe she's got that kind of feeling now around Mr. Peanut. Most monsters are tied to sexuality in some, you know, you think vampires and werewolves. Right, yes. Those were always metaphors to warn, you know, women about the rapacious appetite, sexual appetites of men, I think. Right, right. You know. Right, exactly. Exactly. You know? And that becomes a kind of, you know, an excitement onto itself. The forbidden fruit, or in the case of Mr. Peanut, the forbidden lagoon.

Right? Right. But, you know, there's a lot of Sasquatch porn. Yeah, sure. On Amazon. Yeah. That you can buy. Romance.

That you can buy. Yeah. Like novels. Self-published novels. And a lot of dinosaur. A lot of dinosaur romance novels. Like romance between the dinosaurs or dinosaurs and humans? No, ladies are being seduced by dinosaurs.

Wow. And having consensual sex. Sure. With them. He brought me moss. For example. How nice. He brought me moss. For example. How nice. He brought me moss.

Yeah. So I think the way we ended up ruling it, the younger cousin did acknowledge that there was a certain psychological charge that she was getting out of searching for Mr. Peanut fan fiction. And she found it. Wow. found it wow and uh and so basically the older cousin wants to keep sending the pictures of mr peanut whenever she finds mr peanut in the wild and i said well you gotta you just gotta give a and not safe for work warning you know like right right blur it out give give her a chance incoming trigger warning something here's here's a mr peanut pick that i found online sure so that's the kind of stuff we do on the judge john hodgman podcast to answer your question which was very

nice of you to ask well no one ever asked me questions anymore well you're i mean that's the whole point of this the questions is even in the name of this podcast you're're right. It is. It is. Three questions. Three questions. You mentioned it before, getting back to the format of this thing. We got to talk about your youth. You're an only child. I am. Do you feel that's a profoundly formative thing as opposed to children who have siblings? Yeah. I mean, yes. And something that I always really enjoyed when I was an only child. Like, people would say to me, boy, you must have been, don't you wish you had a sibling? I mean, you must be so sad to be an only child.

And I'm like, what are you talking? Even at the age of 10, I'd be like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah. I have my own room. I don't share a toy with anyone on this earth. Yeah. I have bunk beds. Yeah. That's how much I have in my life.

I have two beds. I can sleep on whichever one I want. But, of course, I'm going to choose the top because I am the apex predator in a pack of one. And also, like all only children, I need something to symbolize the lurking absence beneath me at all times. I need that. I need to know. Right. That there's something missing.

Yeah, there's something missing. Yeah. And then we had borders in our house. We had tenants. We had a very large house in Brookline, Massachusetts, where I something missing. Yeah. And then we had borders in our house. We had tenants. We had a very large house in Brookline, Massachusetts, where I grew up. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien's hometown also. Who's that? Conan O'Brien? What's that? I'll look him up. Hang on. I'll look him up. He's like,

you remember Foster Brooks? Yeah. He basically is doing like a version of his shtick. I know. Yeah. Conan went to my high school. We did not overlap.

Oh, wow. He's markedly older than you. Let's see. I was bit by the dog at the age of 19. Well, did you know where his house is and he knows where your house is and that kind of thing? No, it wasn't like that. I only became aware of Conan and his Brookline connection once he got late night back in the early 90s. Right. And then I was very excited that a young son of Brookline was taking over the airwaves.

That's right. If that nervous weirdo can make it, anyone can. And for a while in the 90s, it was true. Yeah. A lot of nervous white boys could find a career in entertainment at that time. Well, it's entertainment in air quotes. That's right. Exactly.

Nobody's dancing. Nobody's doing song and dance stuff. I've never been a comedian so much as I've been a humorist, which is not my job to make you laugh. It's my job to make you raise an eyebrow and go, hmm. All right, exactly. I see the humor in that. You at least have written stuff down. What have I done?

I've just cracked wise for 30 years, you know? Oh, but what a wonderful thing to do. No, I know. Listen, you know? Oh, but what a wonderful thing to do. No, I know. Listen, I do that, and I truly, truly, I get to do cartoon voices and host game shows, and I can't believe it.

I can't believe it. Have you ever hosted a game show? I auditioned to host a game show. You would just seem to be a natural at it. I was very excited to do it. Yeah. And it seemed as though there was no promise of getting the job. Right.

But it seemed as though we were definitely going to, it seems as though we were definitely going to do the pilot. Yeah. But then it didn't happen. I tested in front of all the producers and everything. I had the time of my life. But it did not happen. It didn't happen.

And actually, you know what? I did two. I did pilots for two different life, but it did not happen. It didn't happen. And I did, actually, you know what? I did two, I did pilots for two different game shows. Oh, wow. Yeah,

I don't know. It just, to be a host, you really have to kind of negate yourself to a certain degree. You have to let other people shine,

I feel. Yeah. And especially in game shows. In game shows, and that's, I've done game shows where they're like, we want it to be funny.

And I'm like, no, no, no. Just the game. It's about the game. It's about the game. You're playing the game. Love of the game. Yeah, exactly. And as somebody who watches comedy hybrid game shows, it's always absolutely offensive to me when they play fast and loose with the

point giving and, you know, and who wins. It's like, you want it to be a real game. Is this a game or isn't it? You know, you're going to crack wise, crack wise. But being the host means and, you know, being the host Like, you're there to make everyone else feel comfortable and good. Precisely. And I think that I just enjoy being the guest more. I just don't like having the responsibility.

Yeah, yeah. Making sure. I mean, it's different. You know, like, I think about a lot. When I did a, I was on a recurring character on a show called Bored to Death that was created by Jonathan Ames with Jason Schwartzman and Ted Danson and Zach Galifianakis on HBO. It was a very fun show. Incredibly fun show. actors and directors and writers, et cetera. But Jason, the, you know, the first time I saw Jason, he was taking the, um, like a mini, like not a minivan, a passenger van into the set.

In other words, he wasn't getting, he could have gotten in his contract that he gets his own car to take him to each location or whatever. But he was riding along with the cast and the crew and the passenger van. Was immediately like, he didn't know who I was. Who knows if he cared? Immediately curious about my life. Asked me stuff.

And was just so decent. And later, I think that that's just him in him naturally. But one of the things he later said to me was like, I am so excited to work on this show, not only to work with Ted Danson, because he's Ted Danson, an incredible actor and an incredible guy,

but also he knows how to host a set. He knows how to be the host of a set. That everyone, even for all those years that he was on Cheers and then Becker or whatever, like his job, the job is the number one on the call sheet is not just to be in every scene or whatever, but it's also to set the tone of the entire, of the entire set, how it's going to go. Yep. And he was like, I just love talking to Ted Danson about that and watching him.

Yep. And Jason became this incredibly, incredibly gracious and talented host of the set in that regard. It's a real skill. I was just having... And by the way, if someone wants to put me in a comedy show where I'm number one on the call sheet, I'll do it. I will be the host in that case.

I'm just talking about hosting a game show. It's like... Right, right. I want to be on the call sheet, I'll do it. I will be the host in that case. Right. I'm just talking about hosting a game show. It's like, I want to be on the game. Because I've gotten to do that. And I think sometimes I probably was more concerned about my hosting of the set than I was of my actual work on the television show. Oh. But, I mean, I'm kind of joking. But I honestly think they're inextricably linked.

Yeah, absolutely. I think that if it's an unhappy place, it's going to be a bad show. And I was literally just having this conversation 45 minutes ago with somebody and saying, if you're number one, it's your job. Morale is your job. I just had Billy Gardell on this podcast because he was, you know, between him and it was Mike and Molly. So he was number one on the call sheet. And Melissa McCarthy was number two. And he said that James Burroughs, Jimmy, as we call him,

directed all the episodes. And he said he sat him down in the first in the pilot at some point during the pilot and said to him uh the fish rots from the head down it's your responsible to behave it's your responsibility is number one to behave uh and to make people happy so you know he goes you do that we'll have a good show we'll have a good time you don't do that it's going to be awful and it's absolutely true. Absolutely true. And was he a real problem before that? Is that why he got taken aside? No, he was brand new. I mean, he was like, you know, you know, he had just been like a club comic mostly. So this was, you know, he was kind of, it was a big switch, big change in his life.

You know, that's really valuable. You know, I think that one of the things, I got kidnapped by televised entertainment. It was not supposed to be my career. I was writing. I was writing for magazines and I was writing humor for websites and I was all, and I wrote a book.

You were in the publishing trades. I mean, you were full on, you were, you know. I worked in a literary agency. I represented authors as a literary agent. And then I stopped doing that because I knew that I wanted to write and I also wanted my clients to thrive. And my being their agent was not helping them. Yeah. It all happened by accident. And it happened because I wrote a book called The Areas of My Expertise. And I went on The Daily Show to promote it. I was invited to be a guest on the show. And John and I just had a good time. And I was kind of in character as this

deranged to know it all, which is not far from who I am. Right. You got it. You got to go with what you know. Exactly. Because, you know, and this book was just basically unloading a hallucinogenic version of all of the dumb movie pop culture and historical trivia that I had absorbed as a weird only child in Brookline who had no one to talk to. I was basically just reading Leonard Maltin books and Tom Stoppard plays. I'm just being abnormal. The classic combo. The peanut butter and jelly of reading material. Exactly. And John invited me to be on the show, and I accepted, obviously.

I'm so glad I did. But one of the things that never happened to me was someone sitting me down and going, this is what your job is. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, sure. Of course. And there's something very exciting about being asked, you know, you know, if you can, you can, you write a thousand words on nuclear proliferation in Iran. That's funny. And if you can come in on Monday and we'll see how it goes and maybe we'll put you on the air. Yeah. And I'm like,

okay, I did my best. I came in on Monday. They said, bring wardrobe. I'm like, I guess that means the clothes I have to wear. Do you have any more specific,

like, I guess I need a suit. Yeah. No, you know, it's not as though they withheld guidance. It's just, it was, and is almost literally daily show.

They're just moving right along. Right. And you get thrown into that and it's wonderfully disorienting, like to walk in and not know that you're going to be on TV that day. And then to be on TV that day when you were never supposed to be on TV in your life. Right. It was spectacularly disorienting. But time after time after that, I was wandering through the world, you know, this job that I was not supposed to have, testing the limits of my fraudulency. And there were lots of times when I wish someone would have just taken me inside and goes, okay, here's what's going on.

Like, here's who these people are. Here's what the jobs that they do, where the director is, because they're not even on the floor. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Here's what a best boy is. Here's what a grip is. Here are all these things, you know, and to a degree, Phil Morrison, who directed these Apple ads that came up right after I went on The Daily Show, like three months after I went on The Daily Show, I was invited to audition for those ads. And again, I was like, this would be a fun adventure. I'm going to audition for this thing. Was that from The Daily Show?

Is that how you got? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I started on The Daily Show as the resident expert in January of 2006. And I auditioned for the ads in March of 2006. And I got the job in April of 2006. And I suddenly. It was a of 2006. And I suddenly...

It was a very transformative year. I should say. It was not one that I saw coming. Yeah. It was not one that I saw coming. And I didn't know what it meant. Do you know what I mean? I didn't...

Sure, of course. Like, I didn't know how my life was going to change. I was just like, yes. Yeah. I will say yes to this. Like, this is terrifying, but it's exciting and interesting. And yes, saying yes is mostly better than saying no, unless you're giving up some principle you have or, you know, are going to get hurt. Like, say yes. What's the worst that

could happen? You audition for this ad, you don't get it you feel a little bit crummy but you have a story to tell yeah and then i got the job and it ruined the story i had a different story to tell yeah but you know like no one said okay here's who the director of photographer is and who's that person is the you know the sound person and you know you learn a lot by being curious but also particularly you know it's also equally very valuable like uh you you call him what jimmy b or whatever jimmy burrs i call him james burrows jimmy burrows yeah i call him james burrows because i never met him the legendary television director like what a gift for him to say to to someone who's greener yeah this world. Let me tell

you, let me tell you something. This is how it works. You will have a better, you will have a better time and consequently a better career if you don't treat people like shit. And that was, that's an incredible gift to give to somebody. Yeah. Now I got to work with him once and he was really amazing. And one thing that I really loved is that he he has usually the same crew. But, you know, I thought there's like grips and there's, you know, boom operators and camera guys and and he'll be like, you know, Donnie, Donnie, sweetheart, will you move that thing in there? All right. All right. Carlos, honey, darling, will you, like, call some, like, honey and darling and sweetheart. And I just, oh, that makes me so happy, you know? I worked with him on one project, and I can't reveal what it was because it never went. He came over to me. All I can say is that he came over to me one time, and he said, look, John, you need to be nice to people on set.

You're not the lead, but you're setting the tone here because the lead is working too hard. And you're around and you need to set the tone. And if you do, if we have a good time, this is going to go great. And if you don't, it's going to be bad for you and bad for me too. And I said said what the fuck is taking so long jimmy fuck you trying to eat a craft services over here all that is not true no and by the way why why where where are my double stuff oreos where are the double stuff oreos with the stuffing taken out i just i want i. I want just a hint of the stuffing.

Right. And the cookies are different. You can't tell me otherwise. Yeah. If the cookies were too close, I know it. Mm-hmm. No, I never got to work with James L. Brooks. Not James L. Brooks either or James Burroughs.

Well, I don't know. I know. I'm sorry. I went down that road just for a joke. No, I had another friend of mine who worked with him I know. I'm sorry. I went down that road just for a joke. And actually, after a couple of days, went to him and said, hey, you're not telling me anything. And he just said, if there's something that you need to know, I'll tell you. Yeah. I was just like, yeah, that's good.

That's good. Yeah, that's what you need to hear. I mean, that was the other thing. You know, I was not supposed to be on screen. It was never part of my worldview, never part of my job. I loved movies. I loved television. I had maybe fantasies about writing for those things, but it didn't occur to me that I...

And you know what? I could be funny on stage. I knew that I could do that. Like, I knew that I had some presence, but I didn't think I would necessarily get a shot to do it. You know, I, and as an only child, I, you know, I had friends and stuff growing up, but I spent a lot of time alone. That was where I was very comfortable. And because I was an only child who had no interest in sports, again, nothing against them, just wasn't part of my life. I didn't do any team sports. So I barely had, I barely had the rehearsal of any conflict of any kind. Like I didn't have younger, older siblings to like make fun of me or, you know, take my stuff. I wasn't out there on the

sports pitch, trying to get the ball into the score hole or whatever, and, you know, getting up in people's faces and then realizing at the end of it, it wasn't fatal. Like for me, all emotional conflict and confrontation of any kind was, I considered to be fatal. And ambiguity about how people felt about me was just the worst possible thing. And when I started to be acting on screen, there was a lot of ambiguity about how I was doing. I was a cog in a machine. Yeah.

Like, I wasn't going to get the director coming over to me as my daddy and saying, you're doing a really good job in these ways. Here's some constructive criticism here. It was like, either they got the shot or they don't. Yeah. And that was really unnerving.

Especially the daily show. A strip show like that. Yeah, that's. Right. Well. There's no time. On the daily show, you know, Jon Stewart, which is the version of the daily show that I worked on, was actually really, I mean, we would do a post-mortem of every show afterward. And I remember there was a time when he was like, you're doing, here's what you did wrong tonight.

And that was awful. You know what I mean? Yeah. But valuable. Like you broke in a way, like the way the jokes are set up is for you to, I think, basically appear like a pompous android. Yeah. And you seemed too human. And so you want to make that adjustment next time.

And that was great. I was glad to have that feedback. Yeah, yeah. But most of the time, like, as an only child who got good grades, you know, praise is a very powerful drug, as they say. Yeah. As Charlie Murphy says, you know, like, it's easy to become addicted and reliant on praise to give you feedback on how you're doing. Yeah. And it's not, not everyone in the world has time to praise you. Right. And it's not, not everyone in the world has time to praise you.

Right. And when you're working on a show or, you know, particularly when we're banging out the ads for Apple Computer, I mean, we did, we filmed 300 for the 60 that aired. Wow. And, you know, we were moving fast. Yeah. And Phil Morrison, who directed all of them, and Justin Long, Long obviously they became very close friends of mine and they offered me a lot of tips and support and advice as I moved into this space that I had no awareness of

but almost more valuable than that was the lack of feedback that I got if I got away with it, it meant it worked if I tried something and they stopped and said let's go again, then I knew that it didn't work. But if someone said nothing, it worked well enough. And maybe it worked great.

Maybe it worked great. And, you know, that became a very, like, learning how to tolerate that ambiguity became a very important part of how I could conduct myself more healthfully in the rest of my life. Oh. myself more healthfully in the rest of my life. Oh. Well, become less reliant on other people's opinions about you and coming to appreciate that even when you are standing on a giant white stage with only one other person and all the cameras are on you and all the attention is on you or, you know, the attention of those cameras and the director, that room is still

full of people who are not thinking about you at all. Right. They're thinking about what they have to build for the next setup. They're thinking about what they're going to have for dinner that night. They're thinking about problems going on in their home. It's very easy, particularly in acting, because you have to become so emotional and so vulnerable and so open to kind of imagine like everyone's got to be catching this right this is me i'm here i'm the one on stage you got to be all eyes on me in reality most people aren't like we spend so much

of our lives worrying about what people are thinking about us mostly they're not thinking about you yeah and most of the time they're probably thinking about you. Yeah. And most of the time, they're probably thinking the nice thing, like, oh, yeah, I like that. I like that guy. He's nice anyway. Yeah, yeah. Back to this email or whatever. Right.

No, it is. It's hard to know. It's hard to know whether or not you're doing well. And I don't know how anybody doesn't. I went to film school. I was on film sets, making television commercials mostly. But I had been on student films. And my first acting job on a film set, I didn't know what the fuck was happening.

And my first acting job on a film set, I didn't know what the fuck was happening. And I remember there was a point at which they said, okay, we're going to come around, which means that everything, if you're looking at the north side of the room, that means everything has to move. And now you're looking at the south side of the room. The camera comes around. Yes. You're shooting the south side of the room. The camera comes around. Yes, yes. You're shooting the other side of the thing. And I was like, oh, that's what that means. You know, you just got to kind of...

I also, when I was working in film production, somebody's like, can you do video assist? Sure, I can. And then just kind of very quietly, you know, to the assistant, where does this go? Right. Where should I plug this in? And then it's just pushing record, rewind and play. And, you know, that I knew how to do. So it's, you know, a lot

of it is fake till you make it. I've said that on this podcast many, many times. That's a huge part of life is fake it till you make it. And know that like everybody else is doing the same thing, you know? That's absolutely true of every, as you say, of every other industry, job, career, everyone's making it up. Being an adult, obviously, is pure fakery. Absolutely, yeah. Pure fakery, but... Parenting, parenting, you know, like Parenting? Yeah, absolutely. I confessed to my son just a few years ago, we made all the mistakes on you because you were the first. We don't know. Right, right.

What do you do with a kid that gets into this situation? I don't know. We'll wait till the second one. We'll have a little more experience. All right. We have two, an older daughter and a younger son. And I just finally revealed to our son that Andy Richter is his father. It's not true, of course. No.

But I mean, it's like, I don't know, 17. Got to give him something to fight me against. Do you know what I mean? You're not my dad. Give him a mission. Give him a mission. Give him a mission. You know what I mean? How come I'm a lot sadder than everyone else in this family?

Andy Richter is your father. Oh. Yeah. He's hitchhiking his way across the country to you now. Hey, there's a question. Why did you have more than one child if you were so happy being an only child? It was a very hard. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off.

No, I was just about to say, go! Answer that, sir! Is this the game show? No, this is the Inquisition. Welcome to Answer That, Sir. Andy Rickerter asked you incredibly probing personal questions. And you have, on the clock, seven seconds to answer. Answer that, sir.

The answer, I didn't need the provocation because I thought about it a lot. And I mean, the answer is, I mean, I was instructed that we were going to have more than one. Yeah, yeah. It was not, it was not an option. My wife is the middle of three daughters and may have been one of those people early on who said, didn't you feel sad not to have siblings? And I was like, are you out of your mind? It was the greatest. In some ways it was.

But she really needed her siblings and still is very close to them. It was a very, very meaningful relationship for her. So it was as impossible for her to imagine having one child as it was impossible for me to imagine having more than one child. Particularly, not just as an only child, having one child. Particularly, not just as an only child, having one child, I didn't understand how siblings worked. And when you have your first child, I mean, for me, it was like, I don't know how I could love something as much as I love this child that we had. I don't know how love can be divided in that way. Yeah. I have no experience with that ever happening.

You know, I never had to share my parents' love. Yeah. I was it. I was it. And, you know, by the time I was a teenager, our relationship was extremely stable. Yeah. When you're an only child living in a stable two-parent family,

it's like you have two older roommates. Like, Yeah. We would just like, what's for dinner? Scrambled eggs. All right,

we're going to eat it. What are we going to watch with it? Masterpiece Theater? You got it. Like, that was it. Yeah. And we'd just sit and watch

All Creatures Great and Small and eat our sandwiches or whatever and go and do our own things. Right. So, the idea of adding a, that's, you know, three,

you know, a tripod makes a stable stool. Right. I guess they make chairs with four legs. I've never heard of them, but it's like, you know, to me, it just felt like one of these legs could start wobbling. You know what I mean?

If I end up being a leg that's a little bit shorter than anybody else, am I going to stick a matchbook underneath it or what? It's a little wobbly. I don't want to brag on your podcast, but I love my children, both of my children. And my love for our first child was so intense that I was like, I can't, I don't know how to split it. But she was right about the first one. Like that. There could be feelings that were outside of my experience that I could feel if I took a scary step.

Yeah. So I had to trust her that she was right again, that if I took the second scary step, there would be feeling new feelings that were outside of my experience that I was capable of and would be good. And that turned out to be true as well. Yeah. Plus, we needed extra hands on the farm.

That's right. That was the other thing. And with the milk sickness running rampant, you got to have a backup kid. Exactly that. I don't know. Have I answered all your questions? No, because the second one is the, well, I mean, you know, it's just

the, we got to cover where are you going? What do you, I mean, what's the rest? Where I come from is Brookline, Massachusetts, where I am. Brookline, Massachusetts, and those Appalads. That's where you're from. Those are my two hometowns. That's arguably true. Yeah. And's where you're from. Those are my two hometowns. That's arguably true.

Yeah. And then, where are you going? Yeah, I don't know. I have zero idea. Yeah. Zero idea. Is there something that you're missing doing? Is there anything like when the kids are out of the house, you're going to do something different?

Well, they're basically out of the house now. And the difference is that different? Well, they're basically out of the house now. And the difference is that I'm watching the TV shows I want to watch, which is nice. But it's hard to think of them. You know, both of my kids have good taste in television, so they would make me watch stuff that was like good. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, where I'm at is this life transition,, uh, that, you know, we're about to be empty nesters and, uh, a lot of the work.

I mean, you know, I wrote my, my five books that I really love and I did a lot of work that I really love. And we made two seasons, my friend David Reese and I made two seasons of a cartoon called Dicktown on Hulu that I really love. Very, very funny show. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah, it was so much fun. And maybe we'll get to make some more or not. I mean, I'm much more capable of tolerating ambiguity than I used to be. And I'm in a very ambiguous place right now. I'm glad that I worked in an industry and chose an industry or a job. Let's put it that way. Industry. It's so gross, I suppose. But, like, we're not making widgets.

We're making distraction. There's not a better word for it. It's not your fault. I mean, it is. It's an industry. And, you know, yeah, it's a craft. I don't know. Does that any better?

You know, I don't know. I think I like craft only because I think it speaks a little bit to like there is an industry for making entertainment, right? Yes. But that industry is made up of lots and lots of individual highly trained and dedicated craftspeople. Yes. And unlike people who work in an industry in the home office or in the HQ or whatever, who have a fair amount of job security, no matter how badly it goes. Do you know what I mean? Unlike the financial services industry,

where you can fuck up everything for everyone and you get a raise. Yeah, yeah. You know, those of us who work in these individual crafts that happen to fall under this, you know, like, we're carnies. We don't know where the work is going to be, how long the job is going to last, what the next job is going to be. And there is a tremendous excitement in that.

You know, I went to go see Hadestown with our son on a Sunday afternoon. And it was one of those things where it's like, we kind of looked at each other. It was a Sunday morning and I was like, we live in New York City. Yeah. We could go to a Broadway show if we wanted to. And so we did. We got same day tickets on the cheap to see Hadestown. Terrific show if you have a chance to see it.

And, you know, the set of that show is so beautiful, meticulously constructed. It's sort of like made to look like a New Orleans speakeasy. And the band is on stage and all the details are there. And as you sit down, there's no curtain. You just kind of, your eye wanders from part of the set to the stage and all the details are there and as you sit down, there's no curtain. You just kind of, your eye wanders

from part of the set to the other part of the set and we're looking at all the details and I'm thinking about all the people who, you know, had to design that and then to build it

and, you know, and then all the musicians were going to come out and they're going to play a trombone. Like, we're going to see a person play a trombone here. Right, right. And then all the actors were going to come out and then they were going to sing songsombone. Like we're going to see a person play a trombone here. Right. And then all the actors who are going to come out and then they're going to sing songs and tell a story and everything else. And it's like, I'm so grateful. I said

to my son, I'm so grateful that I chose a career that is mostly play. Yeah. But it's just, it's mostly invention and play. And the commodity that we're making for other people is so valuable, which is distraction. Yeah. Sometimes self-reflection, opportunity for self-reflection, sometimes opportunity for inspiration. But even at its dumbest, it's like, you don't have to think about this right now because I'm singing and dancing for you. Yeah. And I know that for people like, you know, like my dad or other people, like working in numbers, for example, or in business, there's probably a sense of play there too, or else they wouldn't do it. But I, like what we're doing, this is literally a play.

Like, that's what they call it. But I, like what we're doing, this is literally a play. Like, that's what they call it. Like those people are literally going to, that person is going to literally play that trombone. And when I have the opportunity to act, I am playing a character, like play. It's like, what better way can you spend your life? I said to my son and my son turned to me and said, why the fuck is this taking so long? When is this going to start? He didn't say that. He didn't say anything.

He had his own thoughts. I was just being a dumb dad. Yeah. He had headphones on. Yeah, exactly. But as far as what is next, I mean, I really don't know. Like we spend part of the year in maine which my wife really cares about and so do i and we spent a winter in maine which was always the hard thing to do that we never knew

if we could handle it and i loved spending that winter in maine i loved before going to bed opening the window and just looking out into the woods and the ocean and just seeing the, the, and feeling the cold of the abyss on my face. Yeah. And I was like, this could be it forever. I I've done my work.

Yeah. Like, this is great. But then I realized that was my dark father of Satan calling to me. The only thing that I, the only thing. I saw his hoof prints in the snow and I knew he was there. That was when he was carrying me.

The only thing that I think is important is like, particularly in the creative world, if you're going to make something up, you have to make it up because you have to do it, not because you want to do it. Like when I worked in book publishing, I just saw so many books and book proposals that were written by people who wanted to have written a book. Yeah. But you knew immediately when you were reading something that was been written by someone because they just had to get it out of themselves. Like they had no choice, but to do it. Yeah. And so right now I'm just waiting for that feeling. There's a thing that I've got a couple of things I got going on where I feel like I have to do this whether I get paid or not.

I just have to get it out of myself. Yeah. And generally, those things tend to work better. So do things in life if you have to. That's what I say. Well, that's the third question. That's the what have you learned. I think, you know, that's excellent advice.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't realize. what have you learned? I think, you know, that's excellent advice. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't realize. I thought it was like, where do you come from? Where are you going to? Where are you going? Yeah. And how do you trap and kill a demon?

Tricks of the trade. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. You lure him with false flattery. Or you lure them with the promise of your soul. You know, like, all right, you know, meet me.

And then ritual beggars. Yeah. It's easy to get... What I do is I invite the demon on a podcast. Oh. They love podcasts.

They love to be on a podcast. The sound of their own voices. Oh, totally. I mean, even though it usually sounds like rawr, rawr, rawr, rawr. And they're talking in an ancient tongue that the human ears can't possibly fathom. But I just love to talk.

Love to talk. Well, I love talking to you. How's that for a segue? That was incredible. Game host shit right there. Wow. Just moving right along. Be right back after this message.

Or thanks again. But we won't be back. We'll be back next week. This is done. Thank you for letting me talk thanks again. But we won't be back. We'll be back next week. This is done. Thank you for letting me talk so much. See, I'm a demon. That's the demon part of me. I know.

I know. You are a demon. You're a rambling demon. It's hard on the hooves, I'll tell you. Hard on the hooves. Oh, and I also want to mention, your Judge John Hodgman has become a column now. Yes, I write a little short column in the New York Times Magazine.

But, Andy, I've done myself and I dare say the world a grave disservice. In what sense? That I have not mentioned that on March 24th, there is a new television show. I know everyone's been waiting for a new one. I know it's been a long time since a new television show has come out. There's a new television show on Hulu

called Up Here. Up as in the direction up here as in where we are right now. Here. Up here as in the direction. Up here, as in where we are right now. Here. Right. Up here. It is a musical romantic comedy starring Mae Whitman and Carlos Valdez. Okay. And Katie Finneran and Andrea Burns and lots of other really talented actors, many of them from Broadway.

Oh. And I'm in it too, but you should still watch it. That's why you're mentioning it. Because it's really, really good. Up here on Hulu, March 24th. On Hulu. Well, I'm going to watch that. Please do.

It's a real toe-tapper and it's a real heart-warming because it's musicals. The songs are written by Bobby Lopez and Kristen Anderson Lopez. He wrote the songs for Book of Mormon. They wrote the songs for WandaVision. They wrote Let It Go for Frozen. Incredible. And it was directed by Tommy Kail, who directed Hamilton.

It's like a real Voltron of Broadway coming together to make a really fun, wonderful show. And who did they have to get? John Hodgman. They said, we can't do it. We can't. There's too much Broadway power going on here. Too many trained singers and dancers.

Let's get a podcaster. There's one guy to sing this one line. Here's the preview of the one line that I sing. Okay. Note the spatter of blood at the base of the stairs. If you want to know the context for that, please. Please watch up here. Wow. That is what

you call a teaser. It's really fun. It's a really fun show. I'm really excited to be a part of it. All right. Well, I will watch and all of you out there watch too. And thank you for tuning in to this episode of The Three Questions. I'll be back next week with more.

Bye. Bye. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Cocoa production. It is produced by Sean Daugherty and engineered by Rob Schulte. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Joanna Solitaroff, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis and Gina Batista with additional booking support from Maddie Ogden. Research by Alyssa Graal. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts.