The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Jon Gabrus: Bodily Function Disasters (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: March 7, 2025

Jon Gabrus (Comedy Bang! Bang!, 101 Places To Party Before You Die) joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your Bodily Function Disaster Stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show (also available in the Three Questions podcast feed), callers share stories about... well, pooping their pants.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hey fuckers! Uh, what's up? Andy Richter, Andy Richter call-in show. This is perhaps the topic that this show was invented for. I've been wanting to do this one for a long time and I have John Gabris here with me. Right in my wheelhouse. It's so incredibly in his wheelhouse. He and I just coincidentally did someone else's podcast yesterday, kind of a game show podcast thing.

And this fucker talks about shitting his pants. Yeah, it's upsettingly common in my life. How many times in your life do you think you have, well, at any rate, let me get back to the professional you know, bracketing of the show. Like let me actually talk about it. We're talking bodily function disasters. You know, it could be whatever, you know,

like a huge booger hanging out your nose while you were in a job interview or something like that. But just when your body betrays you, when this stupid fucking vessel full of liquids betrays you and all of your dignity goes right out the window. I think shitting your pants is like the epitome of that. Oh, it's the ne-plu-ultra of, you know, of humiliation and of body betrayal.

But, you know, and I was really struck by when I promo'd this online, and I made a note of this, people either go, oh yeah, man, I got a dozen stories about it, or they go, ew, oh my God, how could you? Yeah, those people are lying. Well, it's just like, what do you think this life is?

You know, it is a definite dividing line between two different types of people. And I know people who are squeamish, who I love, and who are funny, and everything. But there is like just, you either kind of can deal with it or you can't. Yeah, I don't know what it is. My family is all nurses and teachers of young people.

And so like, it's just there, like, you know what I mean? And like, once, you know, once you're, I think I don't have any kids, but also once you're wiping, I know people who, before they had a dog even, were like, wait, you carry the dog shit in a little bag with you? And you're like, you have no idea,

by the time your dog is one, you're holding it in between two fingers while sipping coffee with the same hand. Dog poop is just like, whoops, it's all over my bed. I guess I better do the dishes. Absolutely. Yeah, and it's like, and it's also, like I just saw something like, I think it was in the UK.

They swabbed like, I don't know, 500 McDonald's touch screens, Feces on all of them. There wasn't one that didn't have fecal particulate on it. A turd in every pot. Yes, shit everywhere. Deal with it, folks. When people say, hey, this country is a shit show, we actually mean it literally.

No, but it's just like, that's just life. That's what life is. And the other thing, that I always feel about people who are squeamish or people you know, you know, who try to act like they're the fucking queen about their bodily functions, is like just the notion of hygiene and cleanliness. Like we just came up with that like 30 seconds ago. Yeah, yeah, on the grand scale. Human existence, we have been stinking, rotting monsters. And I would say even in like...

At least the quote unquote first world. Yes. Europeans, you know, like Asia, they figured out cleanliness a thousand years ago. And they are on the forefront of taking care of you with public shitting. Yeah, exactly. I am so envious of Japanese bathrooms. Oh my god every time I see him I got a Japanese toilet in my apartment like a toilet attachment. That's a fucking absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah I just can't do the the did you ever see the ones that are just like a hole in the ground with two?

Foot pedals over, you know those ones stress me out. Yeah, there's a word squat toilets. Yeah, I just there's no way I don't have the knees for it anymore. First of all, I've done a few like in the woods while camping squat shits and you know and buried it like a dog, but I've never done one of those specific. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm assuming at some point in my life, I'm gonna have to, based on how much I love travel. I just can't figure out like how you arrange, I'm gonna have to based on how much I love travel. You're gonna have to. I just can't figure out like how you arrange, how you keep everything off your pants. Well, that's all I think about and this is gonna be,

I mean, this is the episode for TMI. Yes. So this is a blanket TMI warning. Yeah, yeah. Trigger warning. I'm thinking if I'm ever have to use a squad toilet, I'm praying my fiber is right because I don't take very solid shits almost ever

That's when you're like I'm worried about getting on my pants That's all I'm thinking about is it like ricocheting on my ankles or some shit Yeah, how many how many times in your life do you think you've crapped your pants? Oh post when you're supposed to stop Right when you're a little kid or whatever. I's been, I mean, it's been 30. Oh my God. If not, it's been once a year since, you know what I mean? So it's gotta be, I'm 43.

I say I stopped officially shitting in my pants at like four or something like that. I'm at 40 years of at least once a year, if not more. I just, I push it on my body a lot and then I pay for it a lot. You know, I have found my older members of my family, and I'll, you know, like, and they won't appreciate this, but like, my parents and their friends, there's always these stories about like,

we were at the cabin and we were out on the lake, and I know I shit my pants and stuff. And to me, as a kid, I was like, does that just happen to everybody? Like when they get older? And then as I've gotten older and, you know, and like had experience with my own old body, I realized the secret ingredient to all these stories is, oh, booze. It's because you drink a ton of fucking booze. Alcohol is clearly a factor the next morning after alcohol. Yes,

yes, yes. It's like you have much more controllable shits if you're not drinking Manhattan's around the clock. Yes, I also think there's something about being a grown-up where you're like, well I have this under control. I have a little bit of bubble guts but I'll drive home. You know what I mean? Like I don't want to shit here at the office. It's only a 40 minute drive home. but I'll drive home. You know what I mean? Like I don't wanna shit here at the office. It's only a 40 minute drive home, I'll be fine. And then that's when you're walking from your parking spot

like a penguin, the Russian dude. Cause that's where I think a lot of the times I've shit my pants was hubris. Was kind of like, I can make it or like, oh, let's just drive home, I'll shit when I get home. Cause wanting home base is another big thing for me. I'd prefer to shit in my own place rather than an office or a friend's house or something. And then whenever you push it, your body's like, what

were you thinking, pal? Maybe you should have had some roughage this week because it's coming in hot or coming out hot. I had it, you're reminding me of one. Because I haven't had that many in my adult life that I can think of. But I am, there is one, and it was a near miss. I was out here, I didn't live here, I was out here for meetings. I was like at lunch with my manager.

And at the time, I was like being good about washing my weight and stuff. And I tried this stuff called creatine. Yeah, hell yeah. And I- If you go a little bit over, it can fuck you. Well, and it was like, you're supposed to time it a certain way or something.

And it was like, cause it's like build my, I think like my trainer like at the time was like, try this. Quick aside on creatine, they're showing a lot of promise in neurological aid and stuff like that. So it might be, it might eventually be part of everyone's supplement.

Oh really? Like for- Regime in the future, yeah. Like anti-alzheimer's? Anti-alzheimer's and anti-dementia prevention. So anyway, I took it at the wrong time. I was out here staying in a hotel. I had lunch with my manager, left his office, and kind of felt like I gotta go to the bathroom.

But like you said, I'll go to the hotel. I'm driving from Beverly Hills to wherever I was staying in a hotel, and it's like Fucking oh no, and then there's a thing we call in my house the proximity factor. Yes It seems to get worse when you know you're yeah Yeah, yeah, I've shit my pants twice in my life turning the door to my house You get home and all of a sudden it's like your bowels are like hey burning the door to my house. You get home and all of a sudden it's like your bowels are like,

hey, we've been waiting. Sense memory, this is your house. Practically the toilet. Let it rip. But I was in traffic through Beverly Hills into Hollywood. And I was putting my foot on, bracing it beyond the gas pedal and the brake against the firewall. Just so I can arch my back.

And I was going going, oh! Like vocalizing. Oh, man, being there. I stopped at, at the time, I think it was the Hotel Nico on La Cienega, on that strip that's all like, you know, fancy restaurants and by Cedars. And I just pulled in there. I just threw a 20 at the valet and said, I'll be

right back. And I just ran in to use their like lobby bathroom and just barely made it. But you know, you're, this is another, you're a longtime New York resident. I was for same here. And that's where you get a little, that's where like the car is one thing, but like where you learn that like hotel lobbies. Oh hotel lobbies, yeah yeah. I know guys who kept their NYU IDs until their 30s to like shit while they were downtown. They would like swipe into an office and be like I got class, I'm 40, and go drop a heater. When you live in New York you just learn like if you just walk with purpose, you can use

your, use any hotel bathroom. More than once in my life, I walked into a bar and said, let me get a pint of Pilsner and a glass of water. I went right into the bathroom, shit my brains out, came out, had a beer to refresh, over tip. Yeah, this guy came in for a Pilsner at 3.30 in the afternoon. Threw it back and left. Now, yesterday, like I said, we did this, uh, I didn't tell the

people, the audience, but you and I did a podcast together yesterday. And, or did I say that to the audience? I think you might have. Yeah. I don't know what's, but do you want to tell the story that you told yesterday about working on, you were, you were, you were one of the writers on 30 Rock, which was basically a regular extra role. Yeah, mostly just sat at a table and didn't make noise

while Alec was doing his lines. Right, right. Because that would get you a, grandpa, he's quiet. But we, yes, one day on the set of 30 Rock, where I play a writer who doesn't speak, as we were colloquially called in an episode, I shit my pants right when the AD said, hey, we need you guys on set.

And I'm like, that's usually where you run to go to the bathroom. I thought I only had to pee. On the walk out the door, I turned to my buddies, there's like five of us in a room, and I lift a cheek just to let a fart out and be funny on the way out. And I fucking butt sneeze, a little shart,

a little Hershey squirt, and I fucking, you know, butt sneeze, a little, a little shart, a little Hershey squirt. And I'm like, oh no. And I run into the bathroom, get my underwear off, wrap it in paper towels, bury it at the bottom of the, of the- Clean up. Clean up, wipe myself up, check my pants to make sure there's no, you know, there's no,

and there's no oil anywhere. There's no, no deep water horizon. Yeah, exactly. So I go like, all right, great. And now you're, all right, great. And now you're, this is the thing. It's something that happens to a lot of people, but it does straight up rattle you.

Like, I wouldn't feel the same until I took like a hot shower and like looked at myself. This is one of those things where effort happens to you. You got to do that movie thing where you like slap water on your face and like look in the mirror, like get it together, Gapers. Right, right, right. And I come back on Saturday. This is 30 Rock.

Yeah, luckily I don't have to like say anything. I mean, so I walk out there and I'm like, do not want to be part of the scene. I'm like, oh, I'm like, should I just be over here? They're like, no, we need you. And the second ID like looks across and just goes, stand right there. And I'm like, right in front of Tina Fey,

the creator and star of the show and an idol of mine? I want to stand in front of her with no underwear on. And now I'm also in my head, I'm like, is it gonna come back? Am I gonna have, you know, I gotta pay the debt on this first deposit. And I'm stressed to the fucking gills and then I'm like, oh God, and I'm just doing deep breathing

standing in front of Tina Fey going like like she doesn't know you have no underwear on right doesn't know you just shit your pants just take deep breaths and relax yeah I've cleaned up I've cleaned up sufficiently there's no way she can know but meanwhile the other five guys Anthony and Termanic and friends are all like we know you just shit your pants dude I. I'm like, no one say anything, please. It's an Easter egg for the real fans. Yeah. Go look at that episode. A runny egg, baby. All right.

As I said, bodily function doesn't have to be shit in your pants. But I mean, come on, that's real. That's the Super Bowl of embarrassing bodily problems. Give us a call, 855-266-2604. We're here live and we're going to the phones. Me and John Gabris. Dutch. Dutch from Tampa. Gentlemen, my name is Dutch and I've shit my pants. Oh no, just right now? We can't do anything about it. This calling shit. Yeah, this isn't like a remedial call. You gotta, you know, you gotta sit in it now.

But that's making me think like the Harvey Keitel pulp fiction role. Like if you were a legitimate guy who like drove around LA with like stacks of clean pants and underwear and baby wipes in your car and someone's like, call Richter and you race over and help someone who just shit their pants. Pants shitting fixer. Alright, Dutch, tell us your story. Well, and I appreciate all the the backstory warm up there because it all makes sense. I will start by saying I'm not an animal. I was working in New York. I was working in New York City and did the traditional, you know, finance bro dinner out big steak, you know, cream spinach, heavy buttered potatoes, the whole nine yards.

And I was walking back to my apartment and I was, uh, you know, a few blocks away and all of a sudden it became very apparent that, you know, I had to go and I had to go right now. And as you said before, in New York City, you know that if you walk with a little purpose, you can go into pretty much any place, especially if you're wearing a suit and get away with going to the bathroom.

I wanted to, at least I knew I couldn't make it to my apartment, but I could make it to the hotel and gym that I worked out at two blocks away. And as I got closer, proximity is actually a real thing. Yes, of course. All of a sudden your body starts, your body starts going, hey, we're good, we're in a safe place, let's start going.

It's like when your body arches to break the tape at the end of the race, it's your bowels arching themselves forward. It's like, I see daylight. Across the finish line, yeah, yeah. Completely, and so what do you start doing? You loosen up your belt maybe you undo the first button to a leap let some of the pressure out a little bit like that'll buy me another block maybe and the hotel gym is on the second floor. Oh no. And in my mind I'm timing it. I'm timing it. I can do this. I get up there

take the escalator up I can't run it so just, you know, clenched and get to the top, down the hallway to get there, and the bathroom doors are locked because they don't want to let homeless people in off the street to go to the bathroom. Oh. That's new. The detriment to the anti-comforting of unhoused people in New York of just like all the benches are uncomfortable and all the bathrooms are locked and for customers only is Disservice to just New Yorkers in general. I'll just say that for every one of all financial social

Yeah, all across the board all social strata are equal when it comes to taking a dump in New York City. Yeah And I will attest to the fact that at this point my body had already said look this is happening So, you know those big hotel tall ashtrays for smokers where they have that layer of ass on top of it Like the little dish with sand in it Yeah, somewhere. There's a security video of me squatting like a feral cat and dropping it into the top of this thing a feral cat and dropping it into the top of this thing. Whoa dude! This is not where I... this is... when you get a log line from your producer that says Dutch Hotel Gym, you do not expect it to end with a fucking drop in a heater in an ashtray.

Yeah, yeah. With you improvising a kitty litter box. Exactly. And now mind you, like I said, I'm not a monster. I then took one of my socks from my gym bag, scooped it up and threw it in the bottom of the ashtray, and then immediately got out there as quickly as possible because I expected that security would have had me when I got to the bottom. But I immediately canceled my gym membership because I could not go back there.

Socks are integral for both cleanup and wiping. An inside out sock has saved my ass on an occasion. You're like, well, RIP to this one. And now I know why. When someone's like, what happens to all my paired socks? It's like, well, one of them's been used as toilet paper. I wiped my ass on one of them. I'll just say, well, if you think of the progression

from your teen years of using a sock for one thing to your adult years using it for something else, socks are probably the most important part of your wardrobe. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'll never go sockless just in case. It's like having extra weapons on you. It's where all your filthy secrets are hidden.

Mom, do not go in my sock drawer. All right, Dutch, well thanks for the call. Yeah, I'm gonna have a hard time getting that visual out of my head. Like a CCTV footage from like the upper corner of a guy doing a fucking yoga squat on top of an ashtray. I'm gonna do it as a Pornhub search just out of curiosity. I've always, I've briefly thought of like the image of those like push garbage cans that are in like fast food places where you gotta kinda flip the lid up of backing your ass into one, kind of tucked in

and just fucking shitting that way. I've envisioned that in my head for some reason. There you go, there's another born hub search. Racking up category ideas. All right, Dutch, thanks for the call. Just his thing about, we do this show and then I remember things. When I lived in, I lived in an apartment that was on 6th Avenue, directly across the street

from the Bed Bath & Beyond that I don't think is there anymore. And we were on the roof one time, we were having like a summer barbecue party and we're on the roof looking down at the sidewalk and there was a woman, like, you know, not, didn't seem any normal, just a normal person, this woman walking down in front of Bed Bath and Beyond. And I don't know why we happen to just look at her, but we, she, she's walking along, she stops, she backs in behind like a pillar, has, is wearing drawstring pants, pulls him down, squats down, drops a turd, pulls them up, keeps walking.

Whoa! Like all within like a horse. Like ten seconds. Yeah, that's fucking- Just like whoop, whoop. I'm kind of envious of that. Oh, I had to say, wow. I know- Just the presence of mind. And I was like, that, she should be in office.

A woman in my, a grown woman in mine or my wife's family keep the More going right a little bit Was commuting home from work and was taking the sixth train to Grand Central to catch a train and it hit her on the subway Really bad and you know it was like I don't know what to do I don't know what to do she went in between the two cars like oh It was like, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. She went in between the two cars, like, and just dropped, and like shit,

and like the train is like whizzing and rocking, and she's like holding on to the two things. Like trying not to die. Yeah, I know, I'm like, that is high risk. Also, I'm imagining that's like hitting the third rail and sizzling and stuff. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Also, the pooping at a trash can story reminded me of in New York, the first time I ever got acupuncture, which I just like, I don't even know why I got it, but it was very spacey. I left feeling very spacey and very weird. And then I felt like this kind of itch on my ankle

and I went into an ATM and I put my foot up on the trash can and pulled down my sock and there was still a needle in my ankle which made me like woozy. And then I realized also at the same time, because the smell hit me, the trash can that I put my foot up on had a huge pile of human shit at the top of it.

Oh my God. So just like this confluence of like things just I, it was the closest I think I've ever come to fainting from. But like pulled that needle out like. Yeah, the acupuncture's just like, okay, 19 needles. I thought I put 20 in there. You know what, you're good to go Mr. Oh well, whatever, maybe I miscounted.

Alright, let's go back to the phones. Daniel from Manchester. Hey, how are you? Hey Daniel, you got me and John. Thanks for having me. We're here, we're here, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait Manchester. Hey, how are you? Hey Daniel, you got me and John Thanks for having me. We're here. We're here. Wait waiting for you to humiliate yourself for our amusement Well, I have bad news then because mine's not about me Okay, so I work in a casino. Yep.

And one of, one of my dealers one day, his name's, we'll pretend his name's Todd. Right. So I start, and I start getting complaints by totally unrelated table to him. Nothing. Um, they start complaining about the smell. So I come over and don't notice anything. One of my managers comes back and says, Hey, they're right about that smell. And I look over at the table, look next to the table on the floor, and there's what appears to be about a half stepped on duty sitting right on the floor. And I say,

there's no, there is no chance that that can be human poop. So this isn't, hold on, it only gets better. Well, there's not a lot of pets wandering around a casino. Yeah, my blind guy's German Shepherd just dropped in. There's deer in here. But how can it be in the middle of a public floor? If only there was a shit ton of cameras facing the tables and ground that you guys could go to.

Oh, thank goodness. So I go back, and I'm in the surveillance room and I'm watching and I see my dealer Todd walk by the table. He pauses, looks both ways. He shakes a leg. Something comes out and he keeps going. Oh my word. Jesus. And it's not until four, I looked at the timestamp and it's not until four hours later that someone stepped in and we found it.

Wow. Oh my god. Shaking a leg. Yeah. That's confidence in that you're gonna have a firm solid one. Wow. To let it out in your drawers is, like, that is bold. It's troubling, but yet admirable in some way. Yeah. I'm like Envyous. Cudos, Todd. Holy shit. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't do it, but I mean, it's an impressive feat. You guys change your bathroom break policy for dealers after that? You're like, hey, if anyone has to go, just raise your hand.

We got backup dealers that could just take over for a little bit. It's called Todd's rule. You bring up troubling. This was not the first time he had done it. Oh my god. OK, then he's got a fetish. Now how do you know that? Because it had happened before and you had seen it on tape before?

Because I was there when it happened the first time. But why when you saw that turd did you not go Todd? Or was this encounter the first time? Well no this was the second time. This was the second time he had done it. Oh Todd. The first time he had actually called for a floor to relieve him and he just didn't quite make it. So there was a little trip, but the floor manager got to his table he was dealing blackjack, started dealing and said, why is this floor so slippery? So he bought new shoes. Oh my God. Todd. Now was Todd let go after that? No. No, he came in the next week. Okay. Wow.

Well, Daniel, you got a good, you got a heart of gold keeping these guys around. Is there not enough dealers in New England these days? Yeah, I, I, you, you need to hire in addition to a pit boss, you need a shit boss. The poopy egg. Yeah, exactly. I was just gonna say, the poopy egg. Exactly what I was just going to say. The poopy egg. With his little crook. Just sweeping the shit on the ground.

I'm going to Vegas this weekend. Daniel and I'm going to take this as good luck. I'm going to bring this energy with me. Wear your MC Hammer harem pants. I'm going to be wearing fucking saran wrap around my legs. So I can fall down safely. Oh my god. So there was no blowback from this no i'm not given a talking to you or anything

why why is that not that i'm aware of i was there i know you know he's an older gentleman in the seventies and i don't know if that has something objectively but he's yeah i did made me out know if that has something to do with it. It objectively does. Yeah. It may, it may, yeah. Or he might have been a shit freak his whole life. Yeah, we don't know if Todd's been doing this for 50 years. It's called, yeah, pulling a Todd. It's famous up there in Manchester.

Toddin' out, baby. It's possible upper management might be the shit freak. They're like, we need Todd because he delivers the goods. Todd's part of the club. All right, Daniel, thank you very much for the call. Oh, absolutely. All right. 855-266-2604. We're talking bodily function stories. Back to the phones.

We got Cole. Cole's calling from Orange County. I am. The national headquarters of bodily function problems. I don't know if that's true. It just seems like, you know, something Orange County would probably take on as a mantle. All right. Yeah. Well, you got me. You got John.

How's it? Let her rip. Hey, John. Amy. Yeah. Don't shit your pants on this call with us. But do let us know. Yeah, I know, not figuratively, right? Yeah. So it was a number of years ago, recently broken up

with an axe. And so I decided to go to a bar with my buddy. And it's a line dancing bar. So we got all of our cowboy boot scoot boogie stuff on. And we meet these two local kind of biker It's a line dancing bar, so we got all of our cowboy boot scoot boogie stuff on. And we meet these two local kind of biker chicks, a little bit older, and we're sitting at the bar and one of them tries to kiss my buddy at midnight. This is New Year's, by the way.

Oh, okay. And his wife sees this lady trying to kiss him, and so he gets in trouble and has to deal with that so I'm stuck with the other woman and she's like hey you want to go back to my place and like sure let's let's do it and it was a mile or so walk from the bar and so we're walking back and I thought I needed to fart but it turned into that shirt and I crapped my pants. Pretty standard. Pretty standard. Yeah, at least to us, the present company, me, you and Cole. Yeah, you're excited, you're about to get laid and you know, so you know, you figured let it all go.

I shit my pants. So I did this while I'm walking and we're still some distance from her house and so I didn't feel it was appropriate to reveal that I had shit my pants. So I, you know, start off with that kind of human penguin walk, trying to keep, keep things locked in and we make it to her house and I'm thinking nothing but the toilet. And when we get to the house, there's cops all at the house because her friend who was with her earlier had gone back to the house and Went in and didn't have a key and set the alarm off So I've there's cops all around the house and I just need to get inside and so I have to wait Defund the police so I can take a shit, please

So this steamer is fermenting and I thought we finally get to go ahead they raised the yellow tape and we get to go inside and I asked her like oh you know can I use the restroom and she's like yeah sure sound the hall and I swear to god it was a hall of mirrors every part of the hallway was a mirror even the door and I couldn't find it oh my god this is like a proximity factor nightmare yeah I'm pushing think it's one of those magic cabinets were just yeah yeah and like the end of enter the dragon yeah you have to start breaking the glass to confirm what's real and what's fake So I'm in the hall of mirrors with crap in my pants and I had to go back and ask her and she showed me where

the door is finally and I get in there and I'm Dealing with my situation and I've luckily put on underwear that day. So I've got some shitty drawers I'm like, what do I do with with these things I just throw them out the window but the window went out to her patio so I couldn't do that right and also crawling all over the place we need DNA evidence on this ASAP get this diarrhea to forensics so without her permission I cleaned clean the drawers off in her sink. And I was like, oh, what am I going to do with these? I can't put them in the trash can.

So I put them in my cowboy boots that I had. And got everything cleaned up. I was ready for phase two of this night, which I was looking forward to. And we get out and I walk out and she's like, oh, what happened to your boots? I was like, oh, you know, just blisters walking so far and my feet are killing me. So I took the boots off. I'm a tender horn.

I just, yeah. So we're sitting there on the couch, getting ready to engage in some frolicking and- Can I just pause here? The dog comes up and- Wait, wait, before you get to the dog, God bless men, because the... The pursuit of pussy is like... The promise of possibly getting laid, there's just like, you could, you probably could have

had a compound fracture and been like, no, no, it's okay. I've gone to the sketchiest locations in my life thinking I'm going to get laid. Yeah, yeah. I will, and I, I And I'm so proud of you. I think I know where this story is going now. So I do want to hear. But I do appreciate you not dropping the mission. Yeah, yeah, sure.

It's like just a little bump. Just a little bump in the road. Going home with a girl, asking if you could use her bathroom, and then coming out fully showered in a towel. Sorry, I had to clean up. I'm ready, girl. I'm ready. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm fresh off a break up. So anyway, so the dog. So I mean, anything. Yeah. I'm fresh off a break up, so anything's looking good. Right. So I'm sitting there on the couch and the dog sticks its muzzle right in my crotch, right?

Cause I'm not completely fresh. Right. And so I'm trying, oh, that silly dog. And she's kind of looking at me funny, and I chew the dog away, and then it turns its attention to my boot. Oh, of course it does. And my shitty drawers in it.

Yeah. Yeah. So the dog is sniffing around in my boots, luckily didn't stick its muzzle in there and grab anything out. But the dog is preoccupied with my shitty drawer boots. I'm making out with the girl and she says, oh, do you want to go out to the Jacuzzi? I said, sure, great. What a great opportunity to clean myself up a little bit.

I'm going to sit right on a jet. What a great opportunity to give you pink eyes. Contribute to your germ punch. So we're in the Jacuzzi making out and anything and I do remember I used like the edge of the seat to kind of like clean my b-hole out. Oh Cole. Cole that is disgusting but also the exact thing I want to hear. Like, I know that's complicated to wrap your head around, but this is what this show, this call,

at this moment was made for. Been there, you got to spread your cheeks and kind of just wiggle around. Whenever I've had to shimmy ocean in my life. My foot's very distraightly, very distraightly here. Hold on one second, baby. I'm trying to make out, grab me, and I'll be in it. You and the dog are both just dragging their asses

across the carpet together. And plus, you've got chlorine, which is a natural antiseptic. Right, of course. So I mean, it's working out. So we get out of the jacuzzi. I did have a wonderful, questionable evening with her. But in the morning, I'm like, I call my buddy, I'm like, oh my God, I gotta get out of here,

out of this, this, this shit hole, literally. And I've got these boots with shitty drawers in them. What do I do with them? I can't, I don't wanna take them in my buddy's car. That's not fair. So while she's in the bathroom, I went into her kitchen and pulled out like two or three layers of trash in her trash can, stuck my drawers in there. That's what I would have

done. Yeah. Yep and I was see you later out of there. Oh my god how is your did you brought that guy home last night didn't you honey how was it? I don't want to talk about it. I had to close my jacuzzi. I have to fumigate my house. The dog's in the hospital. Luckily, the police were nearby. Well, Cole, I thank you for sharing this. Yes, thank you. This is one of my biggest.

This is the first time I've publicly shared it. It's all been private up to this point. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. And I'm glad you used a fake name, Cole. I wish it had ended with, and now we're married. Me and the dog. It was love.

I think it sounds like a scene for the Farrelly brothers to write into something. Yeah, it's perfect. All right, Cole, well, thanks a lot. Hey, guys, appreciate it. Have a good one. All righty, you too. I've been in a relationship with the same woman for, like,

20- something years now Yeah, but the idea of dating with like GI issue like I couldn't imagine crashing at a girl like if I if I hooked up with if I was single and hooked up with a girl tonight and crashed at her place and had to Not make a accident or anything like that But if I had to take a like the morning shits I have to take that scares me so much the idea of like I don't think I could date It's the only thing keeping you and your wife together. Is that what you're trying to say?

You would have been out of there years ago have you ever shit in the ocean Andy I have never no I don't think I know yeah, I've done it. I've done it three times in my life that I know I can count on that I've also like worked at beaches and life. That I know I can count on. I've also worked at beaches and been a beach bum my whole life. So I have more time. Right. Yeah, you've clocked a lot of beach hours. Yeah.

And I've and. And so it's like you're around people, and it's like you got to go. And so you just go out, and it's like you're doing it. You swim out as far as you can, drop your bathing suit, and then find out, unfortunately, that they float. Of course. And start popping up next to you. Of course, of course.

I used to do that when I was, we cut school to go surfing out in ditch plains in Montauk when I was in high school. And it was the morning drive all the way out there and it got there and I had to shit. But I also really wanted to start surfing because we cut school so I was like, I can probably wait till later and I paddled out

and I'm like, no I can't. So I had to fucking drop trial Yeah, and the people around you are aware Thank you have created a biohazard that they're going to be you know hanging ten through Yeah, people do I you try to go really far away, and then you try to articulate like there's like seven mega corporations dumping like Exponentially the amount of toxic stuff in there. Fish are shitting like crazy. Yeah, mercury. Yeah, there's tons of shit in this ocean, literally.

But there is this element where I was in Mexico with some friends, and I went, no one was even in the ocean. We were all hanging out at the pool, and I'm like, I'm going to go in the ocean. I got to take a shit. And I don't feel like. And they're like, really? I'm like, there's no bathrooms here.

And I'm like, and I go all the way out and take a shit and my friend a woman when I come out She's like you're absolutely disgusting Like five months I came clean and told everyone then like five months later we're at dinner She's like you know I still never stopped thinking about you Sorry lady All right next up You know, I still never stop thinking about you. I was like, oh, I am so sorry. Sorry, lady. All right, next up. Give us a call. 855-266-2604.

Surprise, surprise. Another dude. It's turning into a real sausage party. With this topic. A real sausage pudding party. Michael from Ohio. You're on with John and Andy. Hey, great to talk to you guys and I actually don't have shit to talk about I got something else to talk about.

Finally a little something else I hope it's I hope it's copious amounts of blood. I'm not blood but I've dealt with that a lot. I've worked in housing residence life for a long time uh... the housing with this kid the point out of school and uh... we were we were trying to intervene with the what his problem was and apparently all the kid did was masturbate all day in his room and uh... he filled up eight to ten beach towels with

demon and on his clothes and bunch of paper towels and he flunked out and left school and then his mom called me and was trying to you know figure out where his stuff was. I was trying not to break furpa and try to explain to the lady like what happened in this kid's room and it was just covered in chits like every single thing in his room was covered in chits. Oh boy. Oh my goodness yeah that you bring a blacklight in and blind yourself. And that guy, Stephen Miller. That's advisor to the president of the United States. That's crazy. That is, that is, yeah, that is like, that's an illness. Yeah, I mean, I shouldn't say that's crazy, but that is something that is like a bridge too far. Yes.

Yeah, like, you know, and that you go in there and all the beach towels are like panes of glass. You've got to crack them to fold them up and stuff. And you know, and what's striking to me too is that we've been sitting here talking about just vile stuff and this one made me go, ew. This one made me horny at first. Beach towels, I know what that means. Yeah, I'm a beach bum who loves beach towels. He tried to intervene faster but he just had his hands full and we couldn't get to him. So what do you do? I mean, what can you do about that? I basically had to dance around and be like ma'am it took my staff five or

six hours to clean this room and you don't want any of this stuff and I tried to explain why some of it was damaged with some bodily fluids and I think she knew her son pretty well and she kind of backed off with needing all of his clothes I'm like ma'am you don't want any of any of this stuff. You don't want anything from this room. Wow. As a parent of a boy of a certain age, you're like, I know he's going to jerk off. I know they're going to jerk off.

Of course, yeah. But you don't want to find out, you're like, my son had to leave school because he couldn't stop jerking off. You're like, OK, maybe I should have just put a little dash of shame in there, a little dash of something to just remind you that you're not. Does this kid get some kind of help, some sort of like?

We couldn't get to him fast enough to really intervene like we would have. I know it's a funny story, but I would hope. I need to follow up. It was about eight, nine years ago. Hopefully, you can reach some psychological support. And do that, but don't do it so much you gotta drop out of school.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kids, don't take drugs, don't beat off so much that you drop out. Right, right, right. Drink milk, take your vitamins. Mr. T's new stuff is weird.

Right. All right, Michael, well thanks for the call. And you know, thanks for a little variety. It's very much appreciated. Yeah, shake it up. Get a little number. You've got too much literal shit I wanted to help out. Thank you.

We appreciate it. That makes sense. I graduated high school in the year 2000. And I started my freshman year in 2000. And that was, I went from dial-up internet to college internet at the same time and went to like share drives and local area networks and a guy we were friends with is like, I've got 200 gigs of pornography in a folder

that I could give you the password to. And I could have seen myself go in the way of that kid of like, I now have high speed internet and like porn on demand. Now we all do. So that feels, I feel for the younger generations kid of like I now have high-speed internet and like porn on demand now now we all do right so that feels that I do I feel for the younger generations but that happened that coincided with the first time I moved out of my so I moved out of my parents house got high-speed internet and access to online porn yeah

all in like the first week and I'm and also like all new women on campus and shit and new friends right so it was, I easily could see, unchecked, I might have become a fucking chimpanzee jerk-off guy. Yeah. That's like a, not a morality tale, but that's like, this story should be told. Cautionary tale. Yeah, cautionary tale, yes.

This should be told to incoming freshmen by the guidance counselor. Well, yeah. Well, yeah, well, yeah, but you know, everybody was young, every male was young and knows like the seemingly insatiable like horniness of a teen. Staying homesick from school at like 15, I'm like, all right, Pat Sajak, I'm beating off all fucking day. But you know, but then there is a point where you're like, OK, I got to take it easy. Yeah, I got to like, too much.

I got to turn the lights on. Yeah, yeah. Air came out last time. Yeah. I think I got him wearing an N95. Dave, New York City. You got John Davis and Andy Richter. How are you doing? I'm doing good I

wanted to tell you guys about the time I crapped myself playing craps. Oh our second casino shit story. Holy shit I am going to Vegas this weekend so I need some good craps stories. Pun intended. Well yeah well let me tell you if you have ulcerative colitis, don't handle the dice at a craps table. It's not advisable. Very specific gambling advice, but glad to hear it nonetheless. No, but I mean, I don't know, I wasn't as familiar with craps at the time. And my friend was like, Oh, let's go play craps because you're crapping a lot because of the colitis.

I said, yeah, sure. And you know, the dice come to me and I'm rolling. And I start to roll pretty well. And you know, when you're rolling and you're winning, you're not leaving the table. No one would let you if you wanted to. I mean, well, after 15 minutes, I wanted to. I felt like it was turtling.

And I was like, oh, I turned to my friend, like, I'm going to leave. I got a crap. And he goes, no, you're not leaving. And I was just like, OK, but I might like crab my pants here. He goes, I'm winning everyone's tables winning, you're not leaving. And he was like, very insistent. And I really felt the pressure like the peer pressure of everyone

winning around me and the internal pressure of my body needing a toilet immediately. So I was just sweating it out at the craft table. And I rolled and I rolled and people are cheering for me. They're rooting me on like I'm actually at a point after about the 30 minute mark where like I want to lose. Yeah. This is like a monkey's paw moment of like I want to go on an insane heater at the craps

table. It's like it will be while you're percolating. Yeah. And every time you roll a winner, you're like fuck Yeah, and everyone else is gonna like yeah, you're your chips are stacking up, but you're up 12 grand Oh, I just I give it all just to be able yeah, I get the pit boss I'd like to order a pair of pants and underwear, please I mean that actually my friend said that to me. He said with with all the money I'm winning, I will buy you a new pants and underwear.

As a degenerate, I totally get your, I've been in your friend's place as an absolute degenerate. I get that. So, so what hap, what ends up happening? Do you finally crap out and crap out? Well, 45 minutes, I finally lose. I was like, thank God everyone was upset. I was like, happy. I was so ecstatic to

lose. I like grab the chips. I'm running I'm looking for the bathroom and I'm an MGM grand, which I don't know if you've been you guys. It's obscenely large. Yeah. And everybody's inebriated. Everybody they walking slow, and they're walking in weird ways. And I got people in motorized scooters, morbidly obese people in motorized scooters. And I'm trying to navigate through all these people,

and I don't find the bathroom, and I crap my pants. Oh, man. While you shit your pants, looking at a stack of chips might make you feel a little better But oh man and low-key Casino bathrooms, I think are Surprisingly cleanly places to yeah, it's not like a base. You know they stay on it I mean depending on the level of casino, but usually yeah, they're big and they're like, you know There's tons of stalls and yeah people are constantly going there to wipe the cocaine off of stuff

So that you can go in there and drop a heater in a fresh clean toilet. Yeah. Oh man Dave that that is awesome That's I hope I go on a hell of a run I will shit my pants if a genie shows up and says if you shit your pants you can roll for two hours I'll do it. I'll fucking stay. Are you familiar with the Todd method? I'll fucking stand. Are you familiar with the Todd method? I mean, one piece of advice I'll give you is if you crap your pants and you go back to your room to change, remember to cash your chips,

because I flew back to New York and I had a handful of MGM chips I never cashed. Oh, man. Oh, man. Hey, they never go down in value. It's like holding gold. Exactly. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, Dave, thanks for the call. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. Thanks, Andy. All righty Just as a side note and is that casino pants shitting story? Have you seen the George Brett video George Brett the Kansas City Royal where he's talking about talks about shitting his pants? Yes, it's one of the best things I've ever seen on the internet. I will recommend you all just google It's one of the best things I've ever seen on the internet. I will recommend to you, I'll just Google George Brett pants shitting. It's, he has a live mic on at a practice,

and he's telling, I think he's a coach at that point. It's later on in his career. And he's telling two players about, hey guys, I shit my pants last night. And it's like telling him, and you can tell that they're like enjoying it, but also trying to get away from him. And he don't finish, and it's a very detailed story. And you can tell that they're like enjoying it but also trying to get away from him. Yeah

And it's a very detailed story If this if this this episode of this show hasn't completely disgusted you and put you off Humanity check it out Next up. All right Quinn Quinn from Utah my Instagram pal You there? Yeah, hey. I just, I was on, when I got here to the studio I looked at Instagram and Quinn is somebody that I follow. Quinn, you do like renovations or something, right? You like kind of live out in the country and you like renovate old vehicles and stuff?

Yeah, yeah. I'm in Provo, Utah, so kind of country, but I just have a passion for it. I bought a really old house and it has an old barn and I collect old cars and so it's mostly just renovations of stuff that I work on for myself. I came across one of your videos and I'm into that shit, so I followed you and then today you posted a story saying Andy Richter follows me, he has this show. I called in, left a message.

I was, they messaged me back and said, yeah, we'll have you on. And then you got cold feet. Oh. So thank you. Yeah, I got a little nervous. Thank you for calling us back. And John and I are here and we'll be gentle.

So I am in Utah and I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. So I went out and I served one of those two-year missions. And I will say, I was out in Tennessee and Northern Alabama area. So I mean the experiences you have when you send teenagers out and you assign them a complete stranger that they have to live with and go talk to other strangers, it is just the most, uh, strange experience I think a human can have. I can, I can imagine. Yeah. So I, at one point I was put with a new companion,

what we call them, and he was a very, very strange man. And unfortunately in retrospect, I understand that he just has a level of different kind of mental illness things going on. But at the time I wasn't aware and he would do very strange things while we were out. He would do very strange things in our apartment and occasionally he would choose to lock himself in our bathroom and he would lock himself in the bathroom so that he wouldn't have to

go out and visit with people on the streets or go to appointments that we had. Oh boy. And so we're in a small apartment, he decides he doesn't want to go to the appointment that we have to go to, so he locks himself in the bathroom. And this is a pretty regular routine. I'll have to sort of sit outside the bathroom door and talk him down to get him to come out. And then we'll go do whatever we've got to do. On this particular day, I had been sick. And so I needed to access the one bathroom that we had in our small apartment. And I think he interpreted my pleas as me trying to get him to come out,

He interpreted my pleas as me trying to get him to come out, as if I were lying to him. And he didn't want to let me into the bathroom. And so I, being in an emergency, needed to find a solution for where to poop. And so I went into the kitchen and I just had to pull down my suit pants, because we're dressed up all the time. Yeah. Those guys on those bikes. And I had to poop in our sink. And luckily it was diarrhea.

Luckily it was diarrhea. Not a phrase you say often in life. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've been there with a shower shit. Yeah. But it wasn't liquid enough to go down.

Ugh. Ugh. Okay. Ugh. And is there a disposer or no? Is there a garbage disposal? But it wasn't liquid enough to go down. And is there a disposal or no? Is there a garbage disposal? Yes. Okay, that's good. There's the garbage disposal. And I'll say it was one of those two sinks.

You have one side without a disposal. You have two bowls, right. One for dishes and one for diarrhea. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Right. And I had to strategically make the choice which side of the sink I would be using. And so, of course, I chose the disposal side. Smart.

And so, yeah, I climbed up there and I pooped in that sink. And fortunately, we had one of those sink heads that's detachable, you know, to wash the dishes. Yeah. For you, it's a bidet at this point. A hand shower. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And I bet from that day on, you're like, you know what, this is probably where I should be shitting all the time.

Yeah, like what am I doing sitting in the bathroom like a sucker? Yeah, this is like a shit spa. It is. It was outstanding. Well, so the problem was the disposal thing. So I had to run the disposal to get it to go down. Yep. I used the detachable head to clean myself. Nice. And I did not tell my companion that that had happened because I knew he could potentially spiral into some other episodes. Sure. So, you know, it just remains my secret. Yes, our secret. Me, and you and all of the listeners. Yeah, and all our listeners. But the only problem is too, then he probably did think that you were lying to him about

your urgency. It did escalate to the point one day that he finally like physically attacked me and so he was removed and he ended up going elsewhere and ended up getting proper mental health treatment. Oh that's good. They don't relocate him on another mission do they? Don't they send him home? Well in his situation, yeah it was the thing where he had some things that needed to be addressed before he went out and they they chose not to disclose those things so that he could go out and serve. That's terrible. So our mission president, the guy that was in charge, he was actually a doctor and he was aware that there was something going on with this boy and so he lined up some therapy and some

medications for him while he was out and it really helped stabilize him. So he stayed out in the mission once he got the proper treatment. Oh, yeah. But I mean, if I were your parents and I found out that the head of the mission knew that you were rooming with somebody that had mental illness, I think I'd be unhappy. Oh, well, I'll tell you, this was the fourth kid in a row that I had that was like this, as far as companions. And so I thought I was the crazy I started to question all reality. I'm living with these people. And I'm like, these people are crazy. And after the fourth one, I thought, Oh, no, am I the crazy one? And once this episode happened, and he got sent elsewhere, I spoke with the mission president about

it. And I say, and I was having a little meltdown like man I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle these people and he said oh no, no Quinn He said you're just the only person in the mission that I can put these people with because you can handle them Thanks for nothing. Well, I wish you would have told me that yeah, you know, that's what I was doing right, right? Oh Man, yeah. Yeah at some point the L was doing. Right, right. Oh man. Yeah, yeah. At some point the LDS is going to release a decree and be like, okay, you know, some of you guys can drink. Some of you can use a couple of beers. Quinn, you've earned it. Yeah, yeah. No, that is terrible. Yeah, you got to let somebody know if like, you know,

your solid mental health is... I'm going to take advantage of that. I'm going to pair you with maniacs. Oh, thank you. What an honor. Yeah. All right, Quinn. Well, thank you so much for calling and sharing the story. Totally. And I'm glad your feet got warm and you were able to share this with us. Yes, yes, exactly. Because that's a good one. And I appreciate you taking the time, Quinn.

Yeah, it's the only one so far that's had a spiritual angle. That's right. All right. Thanks, Quinn. Thank you. That makes me think of this invention that I've been begging to happen in real life. A garbage disposal that goes in your toilet so that you never clog your toilet. Yeah, yeah. It just shreds paper and baby wipes and stuff, whatever you flush down it. I mean, it would have to be further down the pipe, so obviously you're not getting blowback or accidentally getting sucked in or something. But the idea of something that would prevent clogs forever is just like... Well garbage disposals aren't like...

They make... I had a plumber who was like, you should never just have a garbage disposal. Anything you put down a garbage disposal, you should just put in the trash. Because eventually there is something that's going to clog. You're not really fixing anything. This is my mind and my wife's conversation a lot. I think it's there for when something accidentally falls in there or some food particles come off the plate.

I don't think we're supposed to be putting things in there. No. And you're like, this is the best way to get rid of these. I'm like, we have a best way to get rid of these. I'm like, we have a garbage can a foot away. Let's just use that. Yeah, yeah. When I, between the Tonight Show and the TBS show,

we were on tour. And we were in a tour bus. And there's like a rock and roll kind of tour bus, a really nice RV tour bus. Great documentary. Oh, thank you. And, but there's a rule, like only number one on the bus. Like you can't poop on the bus.

My rugby team had the same rule. And it's, and apparently, and you know, and it's like, okay, that's an easy rule. Well, I was, we were, you know, we have after a show, you know, and on the bus, we'd hang out, we'd drink. And I had had just vodka with like some lemon peel. And when I was in the bathroom and I wasn't pooping, but I was just like, I threw the lemon peel in the toilet.

And like, then we all went to bed and hours later, just shit water or, you know, like pee water is pouring out of the side of the truck. We're pulled over, the like teamster is taking it apart. I wake up and I come out and I'm like, what's the problem? They're like, ah, it's something, you know, somebody clogged the toilet.

And I was like, oh, oh, and they're like, and he pulls it out and it's like, and it's like a garbage disposal It's like there's a worrying sort of blade thing and it's like got a lemon peel. Those things are like indestructible It was just like what the fuck? Yeah, why would how could this not like a lemon? Right, thank God no one shit just put a hole that drops onto the road and everybody pee onto the road, Jesus Christ. It's this whole mechanism that can't handle a lemon peel. So it was embarrassing.

The bus toilet thing makes me think of in college, my rugby team was playing an away match at Hofstra and the bathroom was super far away, but our bus was pretty close by right before the match started and I was like I'm gonna I know we're not supposed to shit on the bus, but no one's on it right now I'm gonna go drop a heater and and So I go in there I get in the bathroom to take a shit and I guess the bus driver didn't notice me get On or forgot that I got on and I'm on the shitter

Just starting feeling great knowing I've got pre-game jitters, pre-match jitters, pre-match shitters. And so I'm sitting on the bus, and the bus starts fucking moving, and I feel him driving, and I'm like, no! And I'm banging on the door, I'm like, hey! I'm opening the door going, hey. But now we're in a loud bus,

and I'm all the way in the back, and he's all the way in the front, he cannot hear me. Eventually, I'm finally done shitting, I'm racing through to wipe, and we are a mile and a half away at some deli, he was going to get lunch eventually, I'm finally done shitting. I'm like racing through to wipe. And we are like a mile and a half away at some deli. He was going to get lunch and I'm like, brother, you have to drive me back. I'm starting in this.

I gotta smash my head against people. He's like, what are you doing on here? I'm like, I had to take a shit. He's like, gross. And I'm like, I'm sorry. I didn't want to have this conversation. All right. Well, that's our time.

John, thank you so much. Thank you, Andrew. This was a true pleasure. For coming on the show. We usually, we get to the end and we pick a favorite. And this, my god, it's really difficult. Man, this is like a real Sophie's choice, because a lot of great stuff, a lot of great stuff.

There's so many. I don't even know if I can. I'm gonna kind of have to give it to Dutch because the visual of squatting on top of it. Yeah and the Todd method you know I'm gonna say a tie between Dutch and Daniel because yeah the dropping one out that you know and it's a repeat offender. Yeah. Dropping it down your pants. I will be over explaining the Todd procedure to like five people drunkenly this weekend in Vegas. I'm like, I'm sorry, Andy Richter is calling.

Yeah, you know. Yeah, yeah, sure. That's a guy from Coney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're friends in real life. Oh, really? OK, that's not important. You know how dealers shit their pants.

Do you have anything you want to plug? Yeah, I got a podcast called Action Boys. It's at actionboys.biz. You can get free episodes at free.actionboys.biz. And I believe also for Serious Heads, I'll be doing some Storytellers Week over on the Howard Channel later on in March. So keep your eyes peeled or ears peeled. Nice.

All right. Well, thank you everyone. And I'm sorry for the people that were disgusted by this. I totally understand, but you know, what are you gonna do? You gotta take the go with the bed. Yeah, I mean, just flipping through the radio and coming to like, Jesus, what's wrong? Jesus everywhere.

It's like, I guess I'll go back to first wave. All right, everybody, we'll come back next week and it'll be not as gross, hopefully, or maybe it will be even more gross. But stay tuned, Laurie Kilmartin's got the Conan Stand-Up Show coming up right after this. Bye bye.