The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Jon Lovett: Animal Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: January 31, 2025

"Lovett or Leave It" and "Pod Save America" host (and recent "Survivor" contestant) Jon Lovett joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your animal stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers tell stories about vomiting bats, turkey fights, run-ins with bears, and much more. Plus, Jon and Andy face-off in a shrimp trivia competition.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hi there! Hello! Buenos dias! Bienvenue. Andy Richter here. Andy Richter call and show. Um, hope you're all doing well. I have a little bit of a cold. You'll be able to hear it. Hear all the drainage going on. Um, but

we're here, we're ready to go. Ready to get your questions. Um, our number is 855-266-2604. You can give us a call, we're live. This is all happening right now. And I'm very excited to have John Lovett here with me today. Hi, John.

I'm excited too. You didn't tell me you had a cold and you kissed me on the mouth. Well, because I know you don't care. I don't care. I know you're a dirty slutty, slutty slut. It made it better for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It made it better for me. You know John, of course, from Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It. And also from fucking Survivor. From Survivor, one beautiful and perfect episode. I actually guest hosted Love It or Leave It because you do it live. It's basically a talk show.

Yeah, we do it, we do it. It's the only late night gay comedy podcast. We do, it's a- I mean, Colbert, I mean, I'm questioning, but you know, okay, anyway, I should move on. Yeah, but anyway, late night gay talk show, but as a podcast. And I guest hosted for you. Which was awesome, by the way.

Thank you for doing that. It was a thrill to do it. Well, it's like, I was gonna be out, like we need people, it was like, oh, like Andy Richter's gonna host it? Maybe I don't come back. That's a dream, yeah. Well, thank you, thank you.

No, it was a lot of fun. It was though, uh, I'm so used to, like the Conan monologue was very tight and your monologue is like 20 fucking minutes. I was up there just telling joke after joke after joke and being like, Oh boy, this is a lot. You're really sitting it. You're really sitting it. I like it.

Um, but I did not know it was very, it was shrouded in mystery as to why I was doing it. They're like, he's just not available. And I thought maybe it was extensive plastic surgery. Yeah, it was whether it was a upper blepharoplasty or drug addiction. And I was like, why not both? Why not both? Could be both.

Right, exactly. You go into rehab, you get everything redone too. But it was Survivor. I was on Survivor. And I'm sorry, I did not be both. Right, exactly. Could be both. You go into rehab, you get everything redone too. But it was Survivor. I was on Survivor, yeah. And I, I'm sorry, I did not watch it. It's been on? It's been on. And how long did you last?

I lasted, I missed three dinners. Oh, really? It was a real, I did not do well. But it was still, I basically like, I went out first, which is I think what I deserved. Oh, you were the first one out, I see. Absolutely. And I do think cosmically,

it was time for me to be cut down a few notches. I deserved it, I've been riding high. My head is poking, sassy, my head poking a bit high above the grass. Just a little, like a cocky World War I soldier, too long in the trenches. With a target on his face. I was lighting a cigarette, my head cresting above the line, and I got taken out. But it was still an amazing and fun experience.

The idea of getting to do, like I love competition reality shows. I don't judge anyone who enjoys the like Real Housewives type show. Right. Enjoy what you enjoy. But for me, like I love competition and I have been very lucky to get to do exactly what I wanna do as a host, right? Like that's the beauty of a podcast, right? There's no network executives,

it's just me and my friends making this show. And you're your own boss, which is the dream, you know? And there was something about like, I want like, and I like, I want, like, and I, like, I want to let go of the control and just face this challenge and trust it and just trust myself to face the challenge. And while I didn't get as, for me,

the problem of getting out so early, like, people on the internet being funny, welcome to a day in my life, it was more like, I didn't get as long of an experience I wanted, but what I did get was, like, really interesting and fascinating Now is there a because to my knowledge? Well, first of all survivor No, thanks. Like I just I always will remember the bugs crawling out of Elizabeth Hasselbeck's leg

And just not wanting any part of that So do you make the same amount of money if you're the first off versus the next to last off? Each vote out, you make a little bit more. Oh, you make a little bit more. You make a little bit more. All right, so you did miss out on some money. For sure, for sure. Are you kept at a luxury location?

Because you gotta be back there for the final conclave or whatever the hell you call it. So I ended up, well, because I was not on the jury, because I went out so early, I ended up, I'm sorry to laugh. No, it's okay, laugh. You stay at a hotel in Fiji, but I don't have my phone. I don't have anything.

So basically what I ended up doing is, I slept in the dirt for three nights, got my ass handed to me, and then spent two weeks reading books and spending time with all of these people that I would never otherwise have spent any time with. And it was actually like, I said this after, like I actually haven't talked about it that much, like it was a really important time for me because I had time away from politics, which I have been paying attention to 24 hours a day

for decades for like my entire life, my entire career as an adult. And it also was a moment for me to reflect, like you never get two weeks to just be with yourself and your thoughts and what you want. And I came away with it feeling like more excited to talk about politics and it's very personal, but like I was in an early relationship when I left,

like it had just started. And I didn't know if I was gonna feel like, if the, you know, something, the fever would break, right? Like it's like, we just started dating, we had this time apart, maybe it's not right. The kind of infatuation goes away. But we both came away from that time realizing it was right.

And that I came back to a much more serious relationship than I left. Because the time apart made us realize that we were meant to be. And so I got this beautiful moment to think about life, which is part of why I wanted to do it. And like, that sounds like hope, but like that was what it ended up meaning to me.

And I made something of it. And also too, if you had decided the relationship wasn't for you, you would have come home from that time and not gotten laid as opposed to coming home and it being a hot reunion. Exactly. And that was, and boy. Right, right.

Boy, you can only imagine. And you will imagine. I have imagined. Oh, nice. I have done, my notebook is full of sketches. Oh, beautiful. Oh, yes, imagined. Oh, nice. My notebook is full of sketches. Oh, beautiful. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, nice.

Nice. They're very childish and in grease pencil. Right. But still very sexual. Childish but very sexual. Very angry. Very angry, sexual, childish. Angry, sexual child.

That's me. That should be on my tombstone. I did one of those shows. I did one called Stars on Mars. It was a summer Fox show. And it was, like, all very hush-hush and, you know... But it was in the Australian Outback. And it was... And I lasted...

I think I lasted through two... And I came in in the middle. I was, like, with a middle... Like, the new blood. It was injected in the middle of the thing middle, like the new blood that was injected. A mid-season replacement, yeah. In the middle of the thing. But I only made it a little while. And I realized, I'm not good at those.

Like I was there, and I looked at it as, I'm here making a TV show, because that's what I do, that's my job, is to make TV shows. So I'm gonna contribute to the TV show, both, you know, within it and without it. Like, you know, saying things like when they say, say this now, and I would say things like, well, wouldn't it be better if I said that after they revealed the other thing? And they would go, oh, yeah, that would be better.

Producer. Yeah, exactly. Producer. But I did, I did, it was very funny because when I did get voted off, I was pissed. I was really pissed and I didn't think I was capable of giving a shit about things like that, but I was really, I was pissed for, for like a good half hour, like really pissed for about a half an hour.

And then I was like, I get to go home. And that show, the mistake they made in that show is they did not incentivize staying longer with pay. Oh wow. So everyone wanted out. The first like six people, cause it's all celebrities of some form or another, ergo me,

but like the first six people were just like, send me home. I wanna go home now. Will you vote for me, please? Vote me out of here. And so it's, you know. Well, that's not good TV. It's a flaw. It's definitely a flaw in the whole plan.

But anyway, enough about our reality show, competition life. We're here with animal stories. Ooh. That's our animal stories. That's our topic. That's our topic. Animal stories. Are you an animal lover? I am. I have a dog. I have a small golden doodle. Nice. Because I'm a big believer in shop don't adopt. I just think, like there's a lot of people out there adopting dogs. Buy a dog. A trend follower. Yeah. Yes. I just think, OK. Doodles are where it's at.

Yeah. You know the man that created the doodles? Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler. That's coincidental. No relation. But the man that created doodles regrets it and wishes he never had.

Yeah, no, I saw that story. And it's like, OK, why don't you go fuck yourself? Have you tried that? Have you tried that? Why don't you try to breed your asshole to your face and see what comes out of that? Make a fucking assholadoodle. I love my dog. You can eat shit. Yeah.

Yeah, take that, Dr. Frankenstein. You... Now you regret it? Now you regret it? You laugh in the face of God and now you regret it? What did you think was gonna happen? You made an abomination. Adorable. Adorable. Yes. But they've got human eyes. My sister had a, had a golden doodle, or yeah, yeah, I think a golden doodle. And it was so high-strung and so poorly made that it, like, kept tearing tendons in its hip from just running around.

Oh, that's too bad. Just running around the yard. It was like... And it was the sweetest dog. But it was just such, like, an engineering disaster. Right, right. Like one of those buildings in Manhattan that they went too high. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Do you have any good animal stories that they went too high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have any good animal stories? Do you have any, can you think of anything? I mean, you know, it's not mandatory because we certainly, the people are chomping at the bit there in the hold line. Well, I only will, I don't know that I have any great animal stories

except that I'm very proud that my dog has met a lot of big Democratic politicians. Oh, wow. Like she's gotten to meet Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris. She's met a bunch of different Democratic presidential candidates. And it is nice seeing whether the dog takes you. Every politician knows, you kiss a baby, you pet a dog. They're not like, you get this thing away from me.

They're trying to win votes. But it's interesting who Pundit really reacts to, really responds to. You can really tell. Who, the quality of a person. And she really rolled over for Elizabeth Warren. Really enjoyed Elizabeth Warren. I remember that.

Not so much Bill de Blasio. I'm just maybe because he's so big. Yeah, yeah. He's probably scared. And he killed that gopher. Yeah. Oh, that's right. And he dropped it.

Well, but that's neglect. That's not, it wasn't malice. With an accent. It wasn't malice. Right, it was an accent. You could have told that to your dog, you know, explained it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yes, he's large and negligent, but he means no harm. Yeah. I, you know, he's hapless, as they say. Yeah. Well, that's good. And that's nice too. And I always think too, you you know, he's hapless as they say Well, that's good and that's nice too and I always think too you can tell like I I understand some people are afraid of dogs They have dog trauma But I always am a little bit judgmental of people that don't want to

Like and it's not even my dog. It's just, if I'm in a room and there's a dog and it's even mildly sociable, I am all over that thing. Like, fuck you humans, hey, there's a dog here, you know? I love dogs, I love, I see a dog at an airport. I'm thrilled, I'm thrilled. And all these airlines that turned on these emotional support animals because they weren't real, because everybody was full of shit,

I'm mad about it because I loved seeing somebody pretend that their Labrador, which was clearly just a family dog, was some kind of, they put a vest on the thing. Like, it's just stolen Valor from, you can buy it on Amazon. You know, your dog's a service dog. Yeah, oh, your Bichon Friese that's barking.

My Pomeranian is keeping me from freaking out. I don't think so. Is it just shit on the floor? And look, and I say this with no judgment, as I am also somebody that did not want to pay the airlines $150 and so filled out the form and got my dog a vest. That vest pays for itself in like two trips. Yeah.

That's money in your pocket. Alright, once again, Andy Richter Collins' show. We are looking for animal stories. If you have one, or if you have one of our special vaunted wild card stories, that's a story about any topic that you think is worth us hearing and it better be worth hearing, motherfucker. Go ahead and give us a call at 855-266-2604. But we're focusing on animals, on puppies and kitties and birdies and turtles. Let's go first to CM from Los Angeles.

It's not the wrestler CM Punk, is it? No, no it is not. Okay, just checking. You got John Lovett, you got Andy Richter here. Tell us your story, CM. Okay. Well, this story goes back to many years ago when I was in high school in a place in Rhode Island. I was at a high school party and when, in most high school parties people are drinking beer and just, you know, mainly just drinking.

I used to like dabble in LSD. It was my life thing to go to. They also call it acid from what I also call it Yeah cool high school parties Well, I would this girl named Patty glacier had a party and At one point at the party they looked around and they couldn't find me and I got caught in her mom's Bedroom if you've ever taken a bunch of acid and you see a fish tank It's one of the greatest things you've ever seen and I was caught in her mom's room because I had found that in the mom's room, there was a giant fish tank. They caught me in there swallowing fish from inside the fish tank because I,

I don't know, I thought that the fish would be better off within the cosmos of me or something. I don't know. But I got kicked out of the party. And by the way of me or something. I don't know. But I got kicked out of the party and, uh... Yeah, and by the way, that's right. ...is very far from that. Yeah. I mean, you gotta respect that. You gotta walk a mile in their shoes and you find some fucking, you know, like, saucer-eyed

freak in your mom's bedroom swallowing your pets. You know. Right? Come on, CNN. They were expensive. They were expensive fish, too. Was it salt water or fresh water? It was fresh water.

Okay, because that's not as tasty either. I didn't know. I didn't have a comparison at the time. I didn't know. Right. Well, you just got to figure. You didn't want to season your food, you know, in salt. No.

In the water. Well, now how many did you manage to get down? And did you chew? I don't know. No, no, no. Well, now how many did you manage to get down? And did you chew? I don't know. No, no, no. I just swallowed them whole. There was probably six or seven of them. Oh my God.

Hey, and can you just walk me through what was going through your mind when you went for the third one? Like, what did you not get out of the first two? Were you not full? Was it working? At some point, the reverie was going to break. I think it was that I saw so many fish in there there and I just thought that we'd better off in me. I don't know.

I don't know, I wasn't in the right place. And it's interesting that you say caught because I don't know what you say when people open the door and see you swallowing fish out of a fish tank at a home during a party because you can't go for the usual, it's not what it looks like. Right, because it is. Because it's exactly what it looks like.

Just 100% what it looks like is what it is, and it is as bad as what it looks like. Right, it's like bare cosplay without the coss. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what happens? They come in the door, do you have, are you dangling a neon tetra over your mouth? Or are you removing full skeletons, like a cartoon cat?

Right, exactly. No, I was just swallowing them whole. I think they saw my thumb and forefinger just release a tail, they saw the tail disappear into my mouth, and they saw the swallow, and I was just caught. I think that's what it was. And were they, was it like a get out of here, you sick fuck, or just sort of like a

you should go kind of thing? Were they angry or disappointed? It was get out of here. It was angry, angry and disgust. Right, yeah, yeah. That's the classic. Well, how do you, looking back on it, how do you feel about that?

Now it's a good story. Right. But that's not even where the story you know this is a story about pets and I'm not even I should include that that that those that was someone's pet you know they were a bunch of pets but that's not even a pet story that I was trying to get to. I got banned from there and a bunch of other things were said to me so I walked home. I decided to just sit outside of my house and just look up at the stars and As I'm sitting there my cat Lenny kind of comes walking up and said, oh, hey Lenny And I'm not really paying Lenny too much attention I just kind of glanced over at him a little bit and Lenny came over and I start petting Lenny on the head while just

Looking up at the stars and maybe seeing that shooting star or two and And if you've ever pet a cat and the cat starts to enjoy it sometimes the cat will start to pushes they'll push their head into your side and yeah Lenny was really really enjoying my petting and eventually I looked down and realized that it was a skunk. Mm. Oh, boy. Right. To my, Lenny was black and white, and I don't know, it was a skunk. I froze, and then eventually the skunk waddled away. Yeah.

I have to tell you something. I didn't know where that story was gonna go, and I had a little bit of a pit in my stomach, maybe akin to what it'd be like to eat a bunch of freshwater fish raw from a fish bowl. And I'm just so glad that it's a story about realizing you were petting the wrong animal. Right.

Because of all the places it could have ended up, I'm actually quite pleased with this. Right. This is a man that just thought that fish would be better off inside him. Right. One would logically go to the conclusion that he might think that of other creatures.

Right, just sort of working his way up the food chain. Right, right. So, very happy to hear that- I'm not a monster. Okay. Hey, hey, hey, hey. CM, CM, hey. You called us. First of all, A, you called us, B, projecting.

None of us called you a monster. Yeah, yeah. You said that. Right, exactly. You introduced the term monster. Right. All right, so think about that. Think about that, the guilt you feel from what happened that night. Right. Okay, because none of it,. Think about that, the guilt you feel from what happened that night. Right. Okay, because none of it, we were just

open-minded people listening. And honestly, it seems like the universe was very forgiving. They sent an animal emissary to let you know that what you had done was okay, I think. That's my guess. Well, maybe somewhere between okay, I think if the punishment for what you did,

which was, I think we should say, for the record, wrong. It was not good. We don't think it was good. Not okay. And we don't think you're a monster. Yeah. I mean, we don't love it, but we're not throwing the M word around.

Right. But I do think being sent a smelly animal to leave a kind of stench on you is probably what you earned, other than what I am sure was a terrible reputation at school until you graduated. I have to imagine the story of you eating the fish at the high school party was moving through the lockers,

kind of moving around the high school campus. Is that right? A little bit, yeah. I think it's time to face that it was more than a little bit. I think you need to accept the fact that this was a, maybe you didn't hear it yourself, that I think you need to accept the fact that this was a maybe you didn't hear it yourself But I think you need to face the fact that you were the guy that ate the fish at the party and that was a big Part of who you were to a lot of people. Can we can we admit that CM?

Is it time to face that yeah CM the pescatarian the rogue Pescetarian. Yeah. All right. see, I'm thanking you for the call. And, um... You're welcome. And, uh, you can keep petting skunks. You know what I always say? You can teach a man to fish. Yeah.

But you can't teach him to love a skunk. Right. Anyhow, all right, you know, that actually... Him saying that, like, an animal doing something that, you know, like, insistently doing something that you know like insistently doing something that you can't you know you're not looking at. Just this morning I was walking my dog who's a big girl she's 125 pounds. We were walking in our neighborhood in Pasadena and there's one of those little libraries you know those little boxy box libraries. Yeah. And for some reason, all of the books were in the middle of the sidewalk.

And I had just passed two people who were walking that who walked past it. And I, you know, being a good citizen, I stopped to pick up all of the, uh, the books and put them in. And it was, you know, it took a while. And I have a dog, you know, around my wrist twice. she lunges really hard like really pulling my arm out of the socket and I think she's going after a squirrel and I'm all annoyed like stop it and I look and like literally 12 feet from us is a snarling coyote like just because they're all over our neighborhood

they're all over my and and I was like over, they're all over my neighborhood. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, honey, you had a right to lunge, you know. Yeah, they are your enemy. Yeah, yeah. And then it just sorta trotted out into traffic and got away, but yeah, it was exciting. There was a bobcat in my yard the other day. Really? A bobcat.

I saw one in my old neighborhood in Burbank. It was a thrill. It's a thrill. It's a thrill, It's a thrill. It's kind of a thrill to see the coyotes. I have a really, I just, the coyotes as this sort of looming menace, they're not afraid of us.

If you, if there's an animal, like a bobcat, a squirt, whatever, and you kind of say, get out of here, it runs all the way away. Yes. But a coyote goes just far enough back to keep an eye on you because they're smart enough to know that you're not gonna keep chasing them. Exactly.

They've learned. Exactly. Yeah, they're like raptors. Yeah, yeah. You know, testing the fences. I do, and I'm a little cocky about coyotes because I have a 125 pound dog. Right.

If I had a 12 pound dog, I might not be so sassy about it. Mm-hmm. All right, let's go back to the phones. Andy Richter, Call & Show, 855-266-2604. We're talking animals. And we're talking animals with Nancy from Pittsburgh. Hello. Hey, Nancy. Andy Richter and John Lovett here. We want to hear your story. Okay. But this one's about a bat. Love it.

Okay. So I used to work in HR at an animal shelter that had a wildlife center, a wildlife rehab. Oh, that sounds like a dream job. A lot of complaints against the gorillas, I imagine. Yeah. They're behaving like monkeys. Yeah, this Coco over here, it's ball cup ball cup if you know what I mean. Who taught him that?

He had some permanent residents, but the main point was to get them back into the wild. Yes. Whatever injury they had was fixed and so on. Of course. But I don't remember how we got this bat in there. It was a mom with some babies and the mom had rabies. Mom passed away unfortunately so they had to bottle feed all these babies back. And one of our vet techs, Katie, was feeding one with no mask on and just happened to at the right moment open her mouth to talk and the baby shot some formula right into her mouth

and since mom had died of rabies of course that meant that we had to send her off to the urgent care have a t tighter check, make sure she still had some vaccine in her because they all had to get regular regular vaccines. Of course. But wait, did it spit it up? Did it spit it up or did it like poop it out? Okay.

I don't even know how to describe it. It was like a gunshot on his face. Wow. Nancy, can I ask you an impolitic question? What did Indra do? What did Indra do? I don't even know how to describe it. It was like a gunshot on his face. Wow. Nancy, can I ask you an impolitic question? Nancy, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I have a delicate question, and I don't want to offend anyone in the bat community. If there's any bats listening, I don't know your culture. I'm trying to listen. I'm trying to learn. If you have a bunch of baby bats, how are

we... I would say that there would be two kinds of baby bats. The ones with rabies and the ones you feed. And I just, you know what I'm saying? Like if there's a chance that you're nursing a bat with rabies, listen, I don't know, you understand what I'm getting at? What I'm tilting at? Why aren't we killing these bats? Yeah, but that I think I think wildlife preservation, it's it's an addiction.

Once you start saving animals, you've got to save them all. But if they have rabies, that's just a ticking time bomb. But if you give if you give them, they're such little babies and you give them just little droppers of rabies vaccine, you can cure them. I'm assuming that's right Nancy right isn't it well Yeah, and the point isn't to say oh they have rabies. We got to put them down It's to rehab what you can I say no sure and yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry for what I said

That's all right. You're old school I'm sorry for what I said. That's alright. You're old school. That's okay. He's old school. I'd have killed that bat. I'm sorry. I'm kind of old school myself. I'm 63. I'm not some youngster.

But, you know, it's just the way it goes. This place is great. They have what they call the squirrel deck. And they actually take squirrels that are babies that have to be bottle fed first and then put them into an area where they can learn how to forage

because mom was hit by a car or whatever. Right. Or just negligent. Yeah. It's the most adorable thing you've ever seen. Ran away with a guitarist. Yeah, yeah. Headed negligent. Yeah. Just ran away with a guitarist. Yeah, yeah. Headed to New York City. Yeah, become a star. Yeah.

That's right. Because the tree grows in Brooklyn and I'm a squirrel. Now what's the end of the story with the baby bats? Were they recuperated? Well, of course we had to send her to the urgent care and i think that the incident report my partner after working i'd get i think katie you know you should get a prop for the most unlikely work accident yeah yeah ever i think i've started working in a car when i was nineteen

uh... and i think that that's the weirdest story ever heard he should get a little sign says like, it's been this many days since a rabid bat spit in my mouth. Shot baby formula into an open mouth. Well, I don't work there anymore. I work in a very safe office now. Well, good. All right, well, Nancy, thank you so much for the call.

Thank you. I'm enjoying the show. Oh, thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Next up from Wisconsin. We got Tay. Good afternoon. Hi there. How are you? You got John Lovett. You got Andy here. I'm honored to speak with you both. You both are really great. Oh, thanks. Make up most of my listening minutes on podcast. Oh, thanks. Nice to hear. Yeah.

So I've worked on a lot of farms, small organic farms over the years and have a lot of stories about livestock, but one in particular sticks out. It's on a farm we were raising turkeys. There's about 200 raised outside on pasture and we are raising them for Thanksgiving specifically. And it takes a while to raise them and as they get older they start to fight a little more and kind of go after each other. So we would try to like get them from stop fighting, we would yell at them, we would you know try to go in and try to distract them so they just stop. But there's one time that these two were going at it, they're like pecking at each other,

grabbing like they would try to grab each other's throats, like real dinosaur shit. And I picked up a rock and threw it directly at it, hit it in the head and it just died. So really to not do a really good job of managing the situation, I kind of escalated it. Right, well you broke up the fight.

You did break up the fight. I did. Yeah. Yeah. And I just hope it was the instigator, but I really can't say at this point. Right, and it doesn't really matter. No. Because there's turkeys.

You know, it's not like one is more guilty than the other. Right, exactly. Yeah, no, there's no judge in the land that would say, that would attempt to figure out where blame could be assigned in terms of starting the fight. I guess that's true. So I am wondering though, what happens with the corpse, with the carcass? Oh I think we just composted it. There was a bunch of, there was other livestock on the farm. They'd be like the bedding we'd remove.

I think we'd just throw it in the compost pile and it would break down. Oh. Was it, I mean, it wasn't Thanksgiving yet, but it was still turkey. Right. People eat turkey before Thanksgiving. Was there no option to make lemonade, as it were?

Yeah, I mean, legally, no, probably not to sell it, but we could have probably, yeah, broken it down and eaten it. Take it home. Yeah. Don't you think it's interesting that pig becomes pork and cow becomes beef, but turkey becomes turkey. Yeah, and chicken becomes chicken.

And chicken becomes chicken. Yeah. Huh. Do you ever think about that, Tay? I do think about that and poultry is just weird, yeah. Did you learn anything about how throwing rocks doesn't solve a lot of your problems? That often makes things worse?

Yeah. I've really learned my lessons since. I mean, you weren't at Stonewall, right? You didn't throw the first rock at Stonewall? Because that was a good rock. He sounds too young. That one was cool. I just hope Tay can teach that lesson to Antifa.

Because, yeah, somebody's got to be done about their rock throwing. Did you, um, did, were there any consequences? Like, did you get, I mean, obviously there wasn't, I have to assume there was like, I mean, you could have tried couples therapy before you went right to the rocks. Was there, was anyone mad at you or was it like, I have to assume there was like a, I mean you could have tried couples therapy before you went right to the rocks. Was anyone mad at you or like, I haven't seen the best of us? Yeah, it's an expensive bird, especially organic, you know?

But no, not really. There's enough stuff happens on the farm that that was by far not my biggest mistake and most costly mistake on any farms I've worked at. You just feel bad about it. You just feel bad about it. Did anybody even know or did you just like dispose of the evidence quickly? Oh I, no I told, I told my boss and it was

just kind of a interesting funny story. Right, right. And he understands. You gotta throw rocks when you're raising turkeys. All right well Tay thanks for the call and keep on throwing rocks. I mean don't throw rocks. Don't throw rocks. All right, I won. Yeah, okay. Thank you, Tay. All right, next caller.

We got Owen from South Carolina, I'm assuming. Yep, how are you guys doing? Good, Owen, how are you? Tell us your story, your animal story. Yeah, so this story takes place when I was living back in Pittsburgh. I was about 13 years old and

we had my grandmother's dog with us at the time when she was off on a trip to Ireland and My mother and I were in the backyard and Our other dog had decided to murder a baby rabbit that we were burying. Yes. Now I'm not sure if the dog sensed the commotion and decided to make an escape, but my grandmother's dog weaseled her way through the fence and started running towards the highway with me following behind it. And as an out of shape 13 year old, it was a sight to see for the ongoing traffic on the highway, all the 18 wheelers passing by, me chasing after this little white dog that looks like a mop head.

Before I know it, it's running back towards the exit ramp and a car pulls up and she runs right into the car. Inside the car, they open the door for it. And she would not come to me at all. But the people stopped for you. They were trying to help you, they weren't trying to steal your beyond. I guess they felt sorry for me

because I spent a good five minutes chasing and dodging cars, so one of them finally stopped. And did you get the dog back? Yeah yeah fortunately we got the dog back and she has just tried to escape many more times after that which I'm not sure what it is but that dog is like an escape artist. Hey do you know that in Pittsburgh they put french fries in the sandwiches? Have you ever been to Primanti's? I do. Oh I have yeah. It's great it's actually great you think it's gonna be a dumb gimmick French fries in the sandwiches? Have you ever been to Primanti's? I did. Oh. I have, yes. It's great.

It's actually great. You think it's gonna be a dumb gimmick, but then you eat one and it's fucking great. Well, you know the California burrito. Yes, they put fries in the California burrito. But I love going to Primanti's when I'm in Pittsburgh. No, I have to ask, what do you get when you're at Primanti's?

Well, I don't know the menu, but I just, whenever I go, I think you usually get a roast beef. I love a roast beef because they push you towards the pastrami, but that's go, I think you usually get a roast beef. I love a roast beef, because they push you towards the pastrami, but that's not what I wanted. I wanted the roast beef. And is the dog still alive,

or did it eventually get taken out? Pastrami too ethnic for you? It's a little too, yeah, it's a little too New York. Yeah, yeah. About two years after that incident, the dog escaped again and got hit by a car, but it ended up walking away with only one missing toe. So I don't know if it's living out of spite or

Whatever it is, but it's a miracle put it that way. Yeah. Yeah, it is a miracle It said it sounds you know, just like a Little gentleman that knows his business and is gonna carry it out himself Wants to be his own owner. I suppose. Probably was pissed that grandma left him there, you know? Yeah, because that thing only ate a diet of hamburgers and bottled water, refuses to drink tap water. Oh boy.

Same as me, I guess. It's a fucked up little dog. Oh, and thank you so much for the call. No problem. Thank you, guys. All right. Andy Richter Collins Show. You can call us at 855-266-2604.

I'm here with John Lovett from Pod Save America and Love It or Leave It. Do you care which one I mentioned first? No, I'm proud of both. OK, good. Equally? Yeah. I'm proud of both.

I get to do these great shows. Do two great shows. I'm happy of both. Okay, good. Equally? Yeah, I'm proud of both. I get to do these great, do two great shows. I'm happy with either credit. You tell me after we go off the air which one you prefer. Yeah, after. I think I know. I think I understand how it works.

Uh, all right, next we're going to Ryan from Iowa. Go ahead. As Lillian, happy to talk to you. So this is a story from 20 years ago when I was younger and wilder and I went backpacking in Denali National Park. And I just want to say on John's behalf, like it'll always be Denali, never McKinley. Yeah, hell yeah, I was about to say. Thank you for saying that.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, you know, old Yam game tips can say whatever he wants, but like the people who ask him know what it's called. It's been called that for thousands of years. Hell yeah. Yeah. So this is our third day backpacking. We're just like, we get off the bus and there's no trails. You just go under the wilderness.

And when you're on the bus, seeing a bear is great. When you're off the bus, seeing a bear is like, oh shit. Yeah Walking down is broad River Valley. We look way up high up on a ridge and like okay Oh there bear bear your boat is like I'm with like one other person here and And the bears digging and just like it's just looks like a bulldozer It's like clouds of dirt are flying and it's digging after these ground squirrels and we're like wow this is amazing but then the bear turns and it starts charging down the hill right at us and we're just way out in the middle of this riverbank there's nothing for football fields away and it's just like oh fuck like what are we

gonna do like we have a can of bear spray I've got a pocket knife I'm like well that's not gonna do anything. So I guess this is it. If the bear wants to eat us, the bear's gonna eat us. And the bear is charging down a hill. It gets to the riverbed. It feels like it's right in front of us, but it's probably still 50 yards away. And it stops.

And we're just kind of frozen, like, you don't run. Because, like what they teach you many times, you run, you die. Yeah. Stand your ground. So we're watching the bear and the bears kind of looking around and then it is slowly starts walking away and we just were standing there and it goes around the band and it's gone. And it's just the most humble feeling that I've ever felt in my life. It's just standing there with a 600 pound predator with nothing between you, just going,

okay, let's be friends, please let's be friends. Ryan, can I ask you a question? Yes. Have you thought about, has a momentary feeling of being prey changed you? Has being prey for even a few minutes changed you in the real world? Absolutely.

Just that feeling of, it's just humility. It makes you feel small. It makes you feel more connected with the world around you. I am, here I'm part of nature. In the city I might feel like I'm lord over nature, but out here it's just, I'm just one other source of meat for this critter out here. Did you guys, you know, because they say to make as much noise and make yourself feel big, did you guys just stand there meekly waiting to become a meal?

Or did you, like, you know, shout and holler and spray the bear spray? No, at that point, like when we would go through brushy areas, we had a ton of noise, so we didn't surprise the bear. But at this point, I wanted to be neat. And I didn't want to attract more attention. I thought, well, the bear sees me. It sees we're human. I think we might have had our arms kind of in the air.

But no, I was not shouting. Right. We had bear spray ready if it got really close. Which is supposed to work, you know, in the moment you're like, I don't know. I think maybe waving your arms like that, the bear might think that you're beckoning to it. Right, well that's what's always so baffling.

Yeah, yeah, who do, who do, who, you lay, I don't even know what I'm doing. But I do, because sometimes, it's like there's multiple, there's two, there's multiple approaches, and for some bears, you wanna get big, and make a lot of noise, but for other bears, you wanna get small, and get fetal and meek. And if you get it wrong, you're fucking dead.

Yeah, yeah, it's hard to know. And it's not color-coded, because sometimes the brown bears are the kind where you need to be meek, but sometimes it's a grizzly bear, and actually you need to be big. And were you thinking about that? I thought about it beforehand, brown bears are the kind where you need to be meek, but sometimes it's a grizzly bear and actually you need to be big. Right. And were you thinking about that? I thought about it beforehand.

I think that practice kind of paid off because in the moment it's just pure adrenaline. Your heart's going crazy. I just knew don't run. Did you wish you had a gun? I just went to the first minute but they went along. Did you wish you had a gun? Did you feel stupid for not having a gun?

I went back a few years later and I had a.44 Magnum with me, because, yeah. After that lesson, I thought, you know what? I don't wanna be killed by a bear. So, I should at least carry something. A.44 Magnum, are you also trying to like, make punks feel nervous? Hey, punk bear.

Take my day, bear. Yeah, yeah. Well, I guess you do want something with, if bears are the main thing you're worried about, you would want something with bear stopping power. For sure. Yeah, yeah. For sure.

I don't know. I mean... Yeah, because they probably would just piss it off. I like a walk in the woods, but I don't. And I love animals, and I would love to see a bear, but it's like you said, better to see it from the bus, you know? Yeah. All right. Well Ryan, thank you so much for calling and I'm glad you made it through

I'm thank you guys big fan of your show Indian also positive America. Oh, thanks so much. Thanks Ryan All right. Next up we got Dave from Virginia. Hey, how you doing? Good. Oh, thank you so much I'm big fan. You guys are awesome. Oh, thanks This story is it's actually happened to a friend of mine. You see we all worked at this is kind of after college We all worked at the same place and after work we would all go to the same bar and get beers Well one day our friends will call him Bill Didn't show up I know it's Gary

All right, Gary. So anyway, so Gary comes and he comes in and he instantly gets a shot, not a beer, and he's white as a ghost. So we knew like something good had happened. So he goes, you know those dogs I got? And he got two dogs from the rescue a while ago. They were good dogs. He named them Ben and Jerry after the ice cream. And they were happy dogs, but they were just really high-strung. And he lived in this suburban neighborhood and next door neighbor, and there was houses split by a

wooden fence, was a single lady who had a Yorkie. And so he says, I come home, you know, they're always barking back and forth between the fence and yada yada He goes I come home from work. I look in the backyard and the two dogs are playing with something They got something in their mouth and they're just shaking it back and forth and he goes That's when I look over at the wooden fence and they have dug a hole Underneath this fence and grab the Yorkie and pulled it through Oh, no, and now they're like, they're shaking this dead dog all around, you know?

And he's freaking out. So he's saying, oh my God, I'm gonna be in big trouble. You know, these dogs are gonna be euthanized, I'm gonna have to go to court, yada yada. I don't know what to do, I am freaking out right now. Can you just do me a favor and pretend that his first thought was, oh my poor neighbor and this poor dog.

Can you just throw that in there just for your own sake? Just if you're gonna tell you, you're safe with us as a safe space. Or humanize you to our listeners. I think you'll do better when you tell this story in the future to include the human toll and the dog's untimely demise. Once I got over the neighbor's tragic loss

of her beloved pet. And the poor experience of the final moments for this Yorkie. Yeah, or that your friend thought that. As we all would. Right, okay, great. So anyways, he says, I'm gonna call my stepdad. Even though I don't have the best relationship

with my stepdad, I'm gonna call him and get some advice. Great idea. Wow, but interesting, interesting. Maybe not the best relationship, but in a moment of crisis, felt he needed, they needed each other, and that he could call him in this moment. That's interesting, that's interesting, continue.

So the first thing his stepdad says is, you get rid of that body, you get rid of that body right now. And he's like, I could hear my mom in the background saying, what's going on? Oh my God, oh my baby. You get rid of that body. He knew that's what he was gonna get to.

That's the stepdad, that's stepdad energy. Totally right there. You could tell he was drinking a beer, didn't care less. But so he goes, all right, I'm freaking out. He goes, I don't know what to do. Okay, I got it. I got it, I know what to do. I'm gonna take the dog, I'm gonna put it in the road.

I'm gonna get in my car and run over it that way It's like the dog over So he goes take the dog. I lay it in the road. I get in my car and I can't do it I'm just sitting there staring at this thing like come on you could do it I can't do it So I pull the car back in the driveway right as I get out the neighbor pulls in she pulls into her driveway gets out and is like hey Gary how are you you know yada yada. So they start making small talk and he's like all she

has to do is look two feet to her left to see this dog in the road. Well sure enough she does and then all of a sudden it's oh my god someone hit fluffy oh you know and she's freaking out so she looks at gary and says hey can you help me bury him and of course you know of course i could help you bury the dog so he gets a shovel and he's burying the dog and he's you know putting the last bit of dirt on and she looks at him and says thank you so much for helping me and he goes i am so sorry about all what happened. And she gave me this puzzle look and said, why you didn't do anything.

He goes, yeah, I know, but you know, terrible things happen. I'm so sorry. If you need anything, just call me. And he came to the bar. Wow. Now had he patched up the hole under the fence? Right, I'm still thinking, there's a trail here.

Yeah, there's a hole big enough to get two Yorkie-sized, Yorkie-eating-sized dogs under a fence. Or small enough for a Yorkie-sized hole to make a mistake, right? Yorkie pokes, right? Right. We don't know. Yeah, that's true. We don't know what the... Yeah. But it sounded like the dog's wind got the Yorkie

Yeah, I think what it was they were just carrying until they got a hold of it and then pulled it through Whatever tiny little holder was under yeah. Yeah, I will say I am glad I am glad that your friend didn't go through his scheme Of running the dog over to create the impression of a roadkill Yeah Especially given that doesn't seem like this poor person had the wherewithal to suspect any foul play or do any kind of forensics analogies. Be like, these aren't tire tracks. These are dog tracks.

These are dog holes in the side of my Yorkie. I would be plagued with guilt. I would not be able to handle it. Every time I saw that woman, I would know that my dogs murdered her dog and there was a coverup. And not long after that, he gave those dogs back to the shelter where he got them from. Oh, good. Well, that's probably for the best.

They seem to be quite a neighborhood menace. They were thugs. Did he do anything to make it right in the sense of like an edible arrangement or just sort of like some sort of a gift or something to say, hey, you'll never know why I'm sorry But I am sorry this plagues me or or is your friend a sociopath? No, I think I think he's not a sociopath But I know he wouldn't have gotten a gift. I think he was just I got away with it

Let's leave it at that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Dave This is a roller coaster. Thanks for listening, guys. I appreciate everything you all do. And by the way, I hope that Gary is not you. I just hope that you could have been honest with us if this is actually you saying that this happened and you're covering up. You could be honest with us. Right now, right now, last chance, last chance.

I swear, it's not me, it's not me. I wouldn't have called in if it were me. Let's be honest. Okay, okay. That makes sense. Okay, all right. Thank you. All right, goodbye.

Now we've got Dr. Sara. Finally, we get a doctor on this show. It's about time we got somebody that went to more than two years of technical school. So Dr. Sara, what dog did you kill? Fortunately, I'm here to talk about live shrimp and I'm really sorry to disappoint that I'm probably not the kind of doctor that you think of when you think of a doctor. Oh, you don't know what I think about Dr. Sarah. Dr. Sarah.

I am exactly what you're thinking about then. I did my PhD on shrimp and how to build robots based off of shrimp. Wow. I know it is niche. And so I have, I have two trivia questions for you and John. But wait, wait, before we go into trivia, before we go to trivia questions, I just am like, you mean like just the structural, like the design capabilities of a shrimp? Or is there something else that, you know, is it just that like a robot that has sort of a curled tail and not much brain? And is blind? No, not quite.

If you've seen shrimp swimming, I built a robot that does the same motion with the legs. We have little legs just rolling back and forth, back and forth, and this shrimp can swim. Just like the shrimp robot can swim, just like real shrimp. Oh, we just looked up a, cause they have the screen up here and they're looking up a robotic shrimp.

Oh no, we got it now. We got your piece. We were looking at your abstract. There we were looking at, we're looking at these robots. Oh, wow, cool. Now, do you think that this could be, have like large enough principles?

It's like, could be like a ferry that's taking people from island to island with pleopods? Absolutely. Ferry, ferry, submarine. Ooh. Wow. This would be the ideal submarine. Yeah.

Because submarines have a very distinguishable noise when you look at them. So it's hard for them to be undetectable underwater. You can just put it up on the water. Because in the movies they sound like this, they sound like this, they go, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But not the shrimp, the shrimps are,

I don't know what they sound like. I mean, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da That's right. Probably. So you put like a thousand of these in a submarine and it will never be found. Wow. Okay. So anyway, now we've got your science down. Go ahead and hit us with your trivia questions. I love this. I live for this.

Okay. So shrimp love to go around, but when they're in a really tough situation, they have this escape mechanism where they do like a really hard set up and they flick their tail. And I wanted you to guess how many Gs of force shrimp can experience during this moment. And just for reference, astronauts feel around three to six Gs when they're taking off in a rocket. See, I was going to say three. I'll say five Gs. I'll say five Gs.

And this is, a G is like what you feel normally and then it's just sort of double, yeah, yeah, double, triple, you know. And when your face goes back against the mat, it's just sort of double, yeah, yeah, double, triple, you know. And when your face goes back against the mat, it's all stretched back, it's like two or three. Yeah, yeah. Like in the right stuff. Yeah, wow. You guys really should talk to me more.

It's actually 28 Gs. What the heck? Holy shit. Holy shit. I know, they can experience 10 times the Force astronauts experience. Wow. And we can do this several times within the same minute. With that kind of speed you're going to get cocktail sauce everywhere.

Well, but I mean it's pretty easy to be cocky about it when you have an exoskeleton. I mean you don't have the soft tissue on the outside. Yeah, we keep our goo on the outside. That's dangerous. That's dangerous. The way I really think you should use this information is whenever you see a tank with shrimp, you can really just sit there with your plate

and at some point one will probably jump into your plate. Wow. So much speed. I'm heading straight to Chinatown. All right, wait, now you had another question. You might not even have to come. You had another question for us? Yes, I do. Absolutely. All right, wait, now you had another question. You might not even have to come. You had another question for us?

Yes, I do. Absolutely. So I don't know if it's like general knowledge, but krill in Antarctica, they swim in swarms. Yes. And they're really closely packed together. I was wondering if you guys had any idea how they managed to be packed together without colliding with each other.

Gosh. Interesting. I would know. I would guess maybe their antenna? Is it? Yeah, but we're going to guess we're going with antenna. Or is it sonar of some kind? Yep. It's sonar of some kind. It's sonar. It's so close, but it is antenna. You had it right the first time. We doubted ourselves. Yeah, you did. They can use their little antennae

to sense the little beating frequency of the shrimp that are swimming around them so that they can match their own little leg speed. Can I ask you a question? And that way they can all swim together. Yeah, of course. When I was younger, I went through a phase where I wasn't eating animals because of humane reasons,

because I was concerned about their little souls. Yawn. But then I would start to say, well, oysters don't have a soul. Chicken does, but oysters don't. And for me, I was always on the fence about shrimp. Like, could I safely eat a shrimp humanely, or do you think shrimp have souls?

I do answer this question quite frequently. I don't think they have souls. Hell yeah. And from my understanding, they're quite dumb because I do keep them around for experiments. And they can swim against the glass the whole day. Wow. They just will swim against the glass.

Of course I'm going to get the answer I want. She tortures shrimp for a living. My friend, Tommy Blacha, who actually was a guest on this show once, he one time said, we were talking to somebody about vegetarianism, and he said that shrimp are an argument for a carnivore lifestyle, because what are they there for if not to be eaten?

They're just a fat little finger of protein. With a handle. With almost no nervous system or anything. They're just there for, especially krill. They're not sending their kids to college. They're there to be sucked up by a baleen whale. To go through the... Krill are actually quite important for climate change,

actually, because they sink a lot of the carbon that we produce. If you believe in that kind of thing. Hey, welcome to 2025. Climate change, never fucking heard of it. Just eat all the krill. I think that's safe. They're getting sous vide as we speak. Alright, well Dr. Sarah, thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thank you guys. Usually no one gets educated on this show and and and you did us a real Real solid by by letting us learn something. I mean it's a shrimp education, right? Yes Absolutely, it's big enough. There it is. All right. Thank you and That's it. That's it. That's our show. We usually pick a favorite of the calls. What do you think? It's interesting. I think, I do think the gentleman whose friend had

two dangerous animals kill a neighbor's dog and then cover it up was memorable. Yeah. That's what I was going to say. It's not my favorite, but it certainly does stick with me. It haunts you. It haunts you a bit. That's the one that-

But the shrimp information, I think I might vote for Dr. Sara's call at the end. Okay, it was interesting. We learned a lot about shrimp in the name of Gs they generate. I also liked getting confirmation from an expert that they have no interior life. Yes.

And so you can eat them without feeling guilty. That's why, yeah. I actually, it actually does of set my mouth for shrimp. All right, well John Lovett, you can check him out on Pod Save America and love it or leave it. He's always fun and funny. This is a blast. Thank you, I'm glad you could do it.

And I'll be back next week with more of this. And stay tuned, Lori Kilmartin is doing her show I don't know what the hell it's called it's a she does a stand-up gold stand-up from Conan shows but she's the best all right thank you for listening Thank you.