The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Jon Lovett: Road Trip Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: July 24, 2026

Writer and comedian Jon Lovett (host of Pod Save America and Lovett or Leave It) returns to the Andy Richter Call-In Show to talk ROAD TRIP STORIES!  Want to call in for a future episode? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan Oprah. Coney a... Hi, everybody. Welcome back. I'm back in the studio. I've been out for a while because I, as of tomorrow, it will mark one month with my new knee. Wow.

Yeah, I got a knee replacement. That's John Lovett. Hi, everybody. Media mogul and newlywed John Lovett. That's right. Sitting in with me today. You have had your knee in my marriage are roughly the same age. Wow. And both made of titanium.

And in the honeymoon phase. Uh-huh. That's right. And profoundly painful in the very beginning. Okay. Is that true? Is that what you say? I think the analogy is breaking down. Okay. It's breaking down.

As we get closer to the details. Yeah, no. So I have not been very mobile because of that. So this is my first time back in the studio for a while. Because I, or where's I here last week? No, this is my first time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all blur. It's the medication.

If your knee is injured so badly, you can't do the radio. It sounds like you had a pretty serious, pretty serious surgery. No, well, I had, I'm not going to bore the audience too much with this because I've bored everyone in my life with it. But in January, I got a hip replacement. Wow. Everything was falling apart. But my knee has been needed to be done for a long, long time. And because no one in show business does anything in the summertime, I thought, well, let's get this fucker done with.

So I got the knee done too. because the doctor at the same time with the hip was like, you know, your knee is terrible too. You should do that. You bring the car in. You know what? Exactly. I also do need a tire. This is my, yeah, this is my, you know, this is the year of the prosthetic joint for me.

I don't know where that falls on the Chinese zodiac. But that's, it's the year of, between dog and rat. The year of the, of the fake hip. But the hip was very easy in relative terms, as advertised. The knee, not so much. Okay. It hurts. It hurts and you are, it's a lot more recovery.

And it sucks. So I haven't been able to do this. Just not that I haven't been able to talk, but I would have had to be wheeled in here or something. And that's, that's, it's not. No, when virility and athleticism is so central to the Andy Richter brand. Precisely. That's where I, we're always saying that. About two weeks after I got my hip done, I went to New York City to be on the, have I

news for you know that CNN show that I've been on a few times and I love doing that show. And so I was like, yeah, okay. I was still like a little, but I got a wheelchair at the airport, which is the first time I've ever done that. And I felt the entire time like just yelling, I got a hip replacement, like, you know, like rationalizing why I was being wheeled around. But it was necessary. It was, you know, it's pretty good. I had a friend that used to get them when he was hung over. Oh, sure, a bit of a drama queen sort of like taking a fallen sock. I'm going to need a wheelchair. She's going down, looking for a yellow card.

That's right. So how are you? How's the, I mean, I imagine being a newlywed since you were living together and everything. It's not like that big of a transition. It isn't. It is nice. Yeah. It is nice.

It feels like, it does feel like the beginning of a new chapter. Finally, the church legitimizes your merit. You know, it's like you're legitimized in the eyes of the church. Yes. now when I walk down the street and I lock eyes with the neighborhood priest, we know, longer uncomfortable. So that's been a constant issue. You know, Father O'Flanity can look me in the eyes again and I don't feel embarrassed. My grandmother isn't yelling out the window of the walkup when she throws out her bucket of water, you know, saying that I'm bringing great shame to the family,

you know, that kind of thing. So that's been nice. Yes, yes. Yeah. No, what I mean, but I mentioned it hasn't been that big. I mean, it just feels nice and, you know, I feel really new jewelry. You know, my life changed a lot. I am I am 43 years old. My life changed a lot in the last few years. And it, I feel really proud of the life we are building as someone, it took me a long time to be a person worth being married to. Yes. And I feel excited that, that we're starting this chapter together because it reflects both the fact that we are really happy together and that's really exciting and great and also i'm i'm proud of the life that like i'm a good person to be married too right it's like oh wow i love my person well i'm really glad they love me and that i'm a good person to have around that's a lovely way to look at it

um well we're here today to talk about road trip stories first of all i should i should for you know i don't know who wouldn't know who you are um but john is a podcaster comedian writer and former Survivor 47 contestant. That's right. That's right. Lincoln, you'll miss it. Talk about it. He got a lot of time to read, folks. That's right.

He got a lot of time at a hotel. Where was it Tahiti or something? It's in Fiji. And Fiji? I did read several books. Yes. After I got eliminated. I did have more time after I was eliminated on the island than on the island.

I did only miss the three dinners. So I was a bit peckish. I was on Survivor and at the end I was a little bit pecky. Fuck. Now, were you, now you can say fuck. Great. Hell yeah.

Were you disappointed that, or were you, like, all in all, now looking back on it, were you glad that you got out early, or would you have rather stuck around and got bugs in your veins or whatever? So I, look, the fact that I'm sitting here and my having been on Survivor didn't lead to some epic cancellation because of some outbursts that happened when I hadn't eaten in several days, that's a win, right? You know, look, if you really do the risk-reward, reward, really. ratio for me. It was a stupid thing to do. But I was excited about it. And so for me, my only regret is not that I had a bad experience. I loved doing it. It was fun. Yeah, yeah. It was really fun. I just regret I didn't have the full experience because I went home so soon. And I don't feel bad

about how I have a game really unfolded other than that. I told when I met Jeff Probst, I said, listen, this personality that comes with me, I'm either in for the long haul or I'm going home first. You know, I'll either, that's it. Those are the options for me. And, and it just, I got the wrong one. Right, right. But it wasn't surprising. I mean, I was, I was, I was bummed about it and, and upset about it for a while. Not, nothing, nothing to write home about, I guess. But I was more just like, man, took a lot to get all the way over here to Fiji. And boy, that was brief. So for me, it's more like, maybe I got to take another run. Yeah. You know? The only thing I did similar to.

to that, I believe we've spoken about it for us. I was on a show called Stars on Mars. Yes. Which was a Fox Summer thing where it was celebrities at a Mars mock-up in the Australian Outback. And I made it through a couple episodes. And when I was voted off, I was so pissed. And within five minutes of being pissed, I was like, wait a minute, I get to go home.

Yeah. I don't have to sleep in a dorm in a bunk bed with Lance Armstrong anymore. I can go home. I forgot that Lance Armstrong was like. Yes, he certainly was. I like that. He certainly was. So anyway, and John is also, he's the co-founder of Crooked Media. He's the podcast.

He's hosted the podcast, love it or leave it, and Pod Save America. We all know that. Would you have any good road trips? I mean, obviously, Road Trip, the, you know, Survivor was sort of a road trip, you know. Except it was first class, I'm sure. They're not going to fly you there, coach. Oh, come on. Really?

But you're, the whole purpose of it is they treat you like shit. Like shit. Yeah. But I thought because, just because you're going to be on a, it's a guild thing, I would think, you know. So they do fly you coach out there. And I did inquire about whether I could quietly upgrade myself. Yeah. And I was worried that if I got on the plane with all of the other contestants and then they saw me walk past them, I would.

But by the way, in hindsight, couldn't have gone worse. Yeah, yeah. So I could have at least, I could have lied. Maybe if I had laid in flash, I would have had a better chance. Might have gotten those warm nuts, and you would have, you know, it wouldn't have made any difference. But you better believe I upgraded on my flight home. Fuck yes. One road trip.

So I went with President Obama. Oh. On a, on a, on a, what? Cthug. Oh, yeah. Watch that new knee, Andy. There's names falling. Careful with that brand new titanium knee.

You don't get hit by a big name. That's all right. I danced around it. fine. So he was doing this rural swing and so we were on this road trip through, I think it was Iowa and I think in a bunch of farmland and he was giving speeches about energy and investing in rural economies. And I was the speechwriter on that trip. It happened to be around my birthday. And all of a sudden I realized, like, I have something akin to food poisoning. Oh, boy. And that, white, it through that trip. And I'll, I'll spare your dear listeners the excruciating details.

I will just say this. Something you have never done in your life that I can say that I've done, you have never been landing in a 747 while on the toilet. You have never been in, because it's just not something that's possible. You cannot do that. Yeah, exactly. And I've done it. Wow. And the, I imagine that it's a, it's a scary thing because there's, you know, Yeah, I mean, well, it's just, you know, you don't know where the ground is. Yeah, and rear end on seat, too, is like, is a fluid sort of thing. It's, it was precarious to say the least. The real fear that I felt in that moment is, uh, when Air Force one lands and the president gets in the car, you're gone.

Yeah. They don't say, oh, hey, Mr. President, there's an Ashkenazi Jew in the bathroom who maybe had a milk. So can we hold your movements? Yes, yes. Not inconceivable. Right. And so I'm terrified. I'm not going to make it to the motorcade.

Then I'm in the motorcade. I'm afraid they're going to have to ask the motorcade to stop. To stop. I'm on, we're going to farms. So I'm finding porta potty's all dotted across the land of Iowa, in the corn of Iowa, trying to make it through the day. And then all of a sudden, there's, I'm on a farm next to a cow. I'm taking a pick up.

sure for my birthday and little does anyone know that I'm in some kind of medical event that I'm too embarrassed to tell anybody about. I thought for a second, like, do I need to fake some kind of a seizure to get out of this? Because I'm not going to be the guy that shot his pants on this trip. No, of course not. And if I am, it's got to be medical. Right. We got to get it to be medical. Right, exactly. It's got to be at least a three-day hospital stay afterwards. Yeah, yeah. But so that was a, That was a road trip I went on once. Was the president aware? No one was aware.

No one was aware. No one for, you didn't share this with anybody. I didn't talk about it for years, in fact. Wow. I didn't talk about it for years. Have you talked to President Obama about it since? You know, I feel like the limited moments I have with the former president. You're just fair.

And it's a lot more like how high, nice to see it. Yeah, yeah. Mr. President, you need to know that I almost shat myself in Iowa. Yeah, right. Remember that Iowa trip? Remember how I was standing next to that cow and crying? Yeah, remember that there was a kind of pallor, a kind of wan sense of death? Ice cold sweat pouring down my face.

Do you remember how I was shivering, even though it was 78 degrees, beautiful? Remember that? No, you don't remember that? Oh, that's the worst. That's the worst. I had the, I mean, it wasn't really, I, years ago in New York, I went to see one of, one of the many Black Sabbath with farewell tours. Uh-huh.

And it was at Jones Beach. And I hadn't eaten and I had a hot dog. And apparently it was a problem hot dog. And the next day, my ex-wife and I took, we were driving to North Carolina. And we, we as an experiment, we're going to go to the outer banks of North Carolina without any plants. Ah. Like, because we were, we felt like. Yeah.

We thought, like, let's try. that. And we got to Philadelphia and a combination of my turbulent gut and a hurricane turned us back around and we went back to New York and we just bought tickets to Europe. And I spent about three days in Amsterdam having to do what you did. But it was Amsterdam. Okay. Well, it's, you know, it's a worse places to be done. Yeah, Diary. It affects us all. And especially, Especially now. It's ripped from the headlines. That's right. It's all, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's on trend. Yeah, yeah. It's what's happening now. Oh, shit, it just occurred to me too. I just had a salad. I had a pizza and a side salad. So it's, what the fuck am I doing? Oh, I hope I make it through the hour. I think, I think, I think, you should take the chance and have the salad. I think long term, I think there's greater risk for you in not having salad. How dare you? Over time. Over time. You got to get some of the other. It's always. I feel that I have a nice salad lunch and then get hit by a car. And then it's like I could have had the fucking pizza.

Right. But so I had both pizza and side salad. Perfect. So we're talking road trips. Let's go to the phones. 855-266-2604 is the number. If you have a road trip story and you can always put the World Cup on mute, by the way, and talk to us while it's playing in the background.

It'll be fine. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. You'll find out, you know, you'll see Messi score those three goals. Matt, from Florence, Alabama. Yes. How are you? Good.

How are you? You got me and John Lovett. I'm good. I'm good. Hey, guys. John. Tell us your story. Well, when I was a couple years back, so I hope it doesn't matter that it's a couple

years old, but I was on the left coast. There's no, we are very, very low. threshold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could even be all lies. I don't care. No, it's all true. I think just sort of comedically, you also could have lied to us. Yeah, yeah. And you could have said this just happened and would have added a little urgency to it. Just in the future when you're telling it other people. Standups all the time. They're like, today I was walking around. No, you weren't. I would have slipped up, though. I would have said something. And you would have known that it was. Good. Okay. All right. Well, your honesty is is valued. Thank you, Matt. Go ahead.

So I was on the West Coast going through a separation at the time, and I decided I didn't know what to do. I'll move, I'll go as far east as I can. I was in California. I said, I'll go to Maine, find some small town with a cabin. I had my dog with me. And as I started driving, I had no plan other than get to Maine. As I started driving, I realized, oh, I have a friend near here that I hadn't seen in years, so I would see him. And then as I kept going, I found another friend, and then another friend.

And these are all people I hadn't seen in years. And before I knew it, I zigzagged across the country, was on the road for six months. Wow. I lived with my dog in the car. Now, part of the time, you have to shower and stuff, obviously. So I got motels and showers and had to pay to get the car fixed and that kind of stuff. So I ran up a credit card bill that I never recovered from, but every dime of it was worth it. Because I saw people I hadn't seen in years.

And I ended up going to all 48 states in the lower 48. So I zigzagged the entire country. Saw it with my dog, photo documented the whole thing. So I have, I have memories. But this was back in about 2014, so it's been a while. But that's my story. Wow. Wow.

Now, because I was going to say, like, financially, that, like, are you, you know, are you a Vanderbilt? No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, it was all credit. Here's what you do with a dog. You learn the dog motel. So it's all the, I don't know if you're allowed to mention names, but all the choice hotels, the motel sixes, things like that. Most of them take dogs.

So it's a lot of cheap motels. And then I slept, originally from Alaska. I'm used to car camping and camping. And so me and the dog just would find truck stops, turnpikes, things like that, pull over sleep. And then occasionally I'd want a meal, you know, a sit-down meal or get the car fixed or get a shower. but most of the cost was fuel and the occasional, you know, the occasional motel. But the best part was before I knew it. You hesitated as if you were going to say prostitute.

Yeah, well, yeah, no, only in the legal state. Okay, okay. No one. Now, wait, if you're sleeping in your car, it isn't this terrible on your, you know, I'm old, so I think, how does your back handle sleeping in the car? I'm old now, too. But yeah, I had an old four-runner, and the whole back was flat. So it was turned into a bed for me and the dog.

Oh, that's nice. How long was the relationship? Oh, of quite some time, 20 years. 20 years, 20 years. That's what set me off. It was very painful for me, and I said, I need to go. And I had this fantasy that I was going to go to some Camden, Maine. I didn't realize how expensive those towns.

I said, I'm going to go to some small town. in Maine and just write a book or do something and just play my guitar and sit with my dog and get my head together. But it turned, it was fantastic. What happened? The first turn came when I was in like Park City, Salt Lake City area. And then I said, well, I've never been to Minneapolis. Let's go there. So I started heading that way. And then of course, you're on Facebook or something. You find out a friend says, hey, I'm two hours away. Why don't you see me? And that's, and it's snowballed from there. And before I knew it, I saw people I hadn't seen for years. And then like I said, I zigzagged everywhere. I ended up hitting every state. Were any of those people that

you saw, like terrible mistakes? No, they were. I should not have reconnected. No. In fact, it was, I had worked, I'm not going to believe it or not, of course you can believe it. I had worked in Antarctica about four years before that. And some were people I never thought I'd see again, because that's a random mix of people from all over the world. And the states, and I, you know, I stayed in I never thought I'd see these people again. And I ran into them, and that was neat to see them in their environment versus the work camp environment that I'd seen them in. So I would say every stop was fantastic.

I think the worst part was there was a couple, you know, there's a couple sketchy truck stops in places that I had to keep my eyes. Other than that, other than watching out for your personal safety, I would say that thing was a trip of a lifetime for me. It's like going to Paris or something, but it was fantastic. Fantastic. That's great. I'm glad you had that experience.

People are, after a long relationship, pretty messed up. It's better than the, although I think it'd be unique to land on a toilet and a 747, but at least, at least, you have to be laughing at that one because I said, oh, my God, that sounds serious chance to see the president and you're on the toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Is Air Force One toilets? Are they nicer than regular ones? Then they are nicer than a regular airplane bathroom, but it's not, it's still an airplane bathroom. Sure, of course.

A little bit more spacious, but you're definitely on a plane. Right. You know? Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, Matt, thank you so much. Thank you. Have a good day.

Thanks for starting us off on a nice positive note. All right. Next up, Mike from London. Hello. International call. Yeah. How are you guys? Great.

How are you? Pretty good. So you want a road trip story? Yeah, we sure do. Okay. I mean, that's why we're here. Yeah. I mean, you know, unless you're looking for counsel.

No. All right. All right. Well, here it goes. So my buddy and I, I decided to move from Ontario to Alberta. So I'm going to drive out there. And my buddy's going to keep me company on the drive. And I guess prior to the trip, I don't know, he got a little nervous or whatever,

but he got pretty constipated. And so we start the road trip out. and a day in he's pretty uncomfortable and I think I'll get this guy sorted out so I stop in a pharmacy I grabbed in one of those laxative chocolate bars I get back into the car

and he's so distraught he can't read anything or doing anything so I'm kind of just pretending to read the instructions because I'm a little ADD like that and this wasn't malicious I didn't do this on purpose I just don't like reading sometimes

so I just said oh yeah tell it to the fucking judge he said I said, yeah, it just says eat the whole thing. So he eats the whole thing and washed it down with egg McMuffin. And then, yeah, so we're driving. And a couple hours later, he's a little calmer because he knows we've taken some precautions here. And then I kind of glance over and I see he's now reading the wrapper.

And his eyes are about the size of dinner plates. And so he says pull the fuck over. So we pull over. He says it says you're supposed to eat one to two squares, not the whole thing. And the bar is made up of 32 squares. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

It's really on them, though. They shouldn't make it something so exciting. That's why I said it's the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, I was just helping. Did they even still make those? Oh, they do down here. Oh, do they? Yeah, yeah.

Do you down here. Yeah, so then he ends up going down a rabbit hole. He's on some Reddit thread of everyone who accidentally ate the whole bar, and they're kind of telling their horror. stories and he's reading them out loud and I'm just trying not to cross the car because I'm laughing so hard. It was everything from just pooping your pants for the next five days straight without even warning to hospitalization. So it was, you know, it was hilarious but slightly scary, but he was fine. Right. So we had to drive the rest of the trip. He still didn't go. And as soon as we got

to the hotel four days later, we're almost there. And he said, like, step on it. I'm not going to make it. And so we're in the lobby, the hotel. I'm like, we're not going in the room. You're doing this in the lobby. And he absolutely refused. So he waited until we got up to the room and then ruined the rest of my trip. Oh, well, that's, you know, you kind of brought it on yourself. There's a film, there's a film, I believe it's called Fat Man and Little Boy about the creating of the first nuclear bomb.

And there's a scene where... Is it fictional? It's a, it's a... Docu drama. Yeah, it's a... docudrama or it's a it's a fictional movie about the real story whatever we call those and uh there's a moment where uh john cusacks playing a scientist and he accidentally creates a critical mass and then knocks it off with his hand then he goes to the board and he starts doing all the math and he looks

turns around and he says to all the scientists you're all going to be fine but i'm dead because in a couple hours it's going to hit and that's what your story reminded me of that once you've eaten the chocolate bar and you crunch the numbers, you feel fine, but you know that it's only a matter of time before the full effects of what you've done and which can't be undone. Right. It's it is it is unstoppable. Yeah. Before the car fills with feces. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Oh my God. Well I did I mean it must I pity your poor friend. Oh he's fine. Four days of that. All right. Yeah. No, you know what? This was a long time ago. Now that I've experienced a similar thing, now I pity him. But At that time, I've never been had that issue before, but yeah, yeah.

It's ironic because Alberta, I believe Alberta produces a lot of Canada's natural gas. Yeah, well, there was a lot. It's a gas town. I think that's right. We'll be right back. That's talk show reflex. We'll be right back when you hit a laugh line like that. You get out.

Well, Mike, thank you so much. Thank you. Be careful with the X-Lax there, buddy. Yeah, next time. All right. Okay. See you guys. All righty,

bye-bye. What is the laxative where their, their slogan was, take something in the PM for BM and the AM. I don't know. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I, with my knee replacement, I had, I was having to take pain pills. Yeah. And, you know,

yeah. Bowels slowing is it. Worth it? I, I have, in my lifetime, like any, like constipation.

is a historically speaking a correction from you know like it's a step towards normalcy yeah yeah when someone tells me they're constipated i say it must be nice yeah must be nice wow what a what a what a filthy episode this has been listen no this is what a what a lot of poop talk yeah poop talk welcome to poop talk series xm's hottest new show no but um i experienced it and i for the first time really and wow we wow well it's funny this is at a moment where, you know, look, America as always a land of contrasts, high, highs, low lows, a dramatic place, a dramatic nation where we have thousands and thousands of people with sudden onset multiple week diarrhea.

On the other hand, everybody's on Ozempic and Manjaro and Zepand and these drugs that do cause constipators. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's sort of like choose your poison. Right, right. Folks, we've got to get right. And that's my platform for office. We've got to get our feces right.

It got it to be fluffy and floating. Lindsay from Chicago. Hi there. How are you? Hi. John Lovett and I are here. And we are here for your road trip story. Okay.

It's a two-parter. A little bit of a book end. But before we start, how are your bowel movements lately, Lindsay? You know, luckily enough, just fine. Thanks for asking. Okay, great. All right. Well, then we'll move on to the road trip part.

No need to be so smug about it. Must be nice. All right. So in 2013, I was moving from Brooklyn to Los Angeles. I spent my adult life not driving. So I needed to learn how to drive. Are you from New York City? I was, no, I, Cago area and then Lovett, Huntington, Long Island is where I ended up driving.

Oh, hell. Yeah, I'm just down the street, just down the street. I know. But how do you manage growing up in Illinois to avoid driving? Well, so no, no. So I learned how to drive in high school. Oh, okay. You just never followed through. So I went to Fordham.

So I went to school in the city in Manhattan. And then he moved to Brooklyn right thereafter. So like all my 20s, early 30s, I'm in Brooklyn. I'm not driving. So I'm like, uh-oh, I'm moving to Los Angeles. I need to learn how to drive. So I should live. Yes.

Yeah. So I list my calls. cousin, cousin Kevin, and I said, well, you drive across country with me. And absolutely, he's always up for a good time. So we drive across the country, cut through Chicago, because that's where most of our family is. And I don't know if you've ever done this road trip before, but you go, once you're through Chicago, you go through the Midwest state, you go through Nebraska. And I've always been really surprised. Nebraska is like a really beautiful state to drive through. It's like big open skies. And they have all these lake, these kind of small, swimmable lakes. So it was hot.

It was the summer. And I said, let's find a lake and let's go swimming. So we find a lake. I think we were still using like a real map back then, too, which was cool. And we found a lake and we pulled off. And it was like kind of medium size, you know, like I could see the whole perimeter of the lake, but it wasn't super tiny, you know. And I jumped in to go swimming. I'm swimming around.

Kevin jumps in. And he goes, do you want to swim to the other side of the lake? And I was like, well, it's a little longer than I normally like to swim. But I think I'm up for it. So stupidly, I would never say this now. But at the time, I was like, yeah, let's do it. So we start swimming. We get about really dead center halfway.

And I turn around. And my cousin said, I should have told you this. I'm not a strong swimmer. Oh, what a fucking asshole? I said, wait, what? And he goes, and I'm panicking. I don't think I can do it. And I was like, wait, you have to do it.

You have to get to the other side of this lake. Like, we don't have a choice. And he was like, I can't do it. I can't do it. And I was like, okay, just breathe, relax a little bit. And we're just going to, like, there's no current or anything. So I was like, let's just swim a little bit. Chill, swim a little bit.

Yeah. Treadwater, move. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So going, he's kind of increasingly panicking. I'm like, panicking on the inside, but trying to stay cool. And I start, I'm like, looking around. I'm like, okay, well, what are my options here? And I swear I see, I'm like, okay, I think there's like a couple of guys on a jet ski.

Like I'd have to really shout to get them over here. So let's make, like, I'm not going to do that right now, but I know that I've got that. Like if I can't get him where I need to get him, I've got the jet ski. Yep. And so many people have said that. Mm-hmm. So many people said that. I've always got the jet ski.

I've always got the jet ski. So then we swim a little bit more. He's panicking a little bit more. And then this sort of idea comes over me where I'm like, you know what? I bet you don't have to swim a start. as you think you do. I bet, like, it's not going to be that deep for much longer. So I was like, I'm going to swim away from you. And as soon as I can stand, I'm going to stand and you're going to see how far you have to go. So, I mean, like, I don't normally think this like calmly. Like,

something came over me. So I, I swam out. I was right. It wasn't that bad. I stand up and I was like, this is how far you have to get and then you can walk out. He relaxes. He swims out to me. And we somehow get to the other side of this lake. We walk out of it. Now we have to walk around. the whole perimeter to get back to our car. We're both like super shook, you know, wet, no towels. It's hot out. Dead silence. And we're walking.

And we start to get like a little, like a quarter of the way. And I'm starting to see these like supposed jet skis, which like must have just been a desert mirage. It was two floaties like those like those flamingo floaties that I had just like imagined were like two dudes that could save us on a jet ski. like I had made the whole thing up. There were no jet skis. No one was coming to save us.

Anyway, that was just a little side detail. We walked back. But those could have saved you? Could they not? Couldn't those have said, those would have helped? No, those floating? Yeah, but they would have had to swim.

Oh, they were far far away. Oh, I see. I see. That was why I didn't call for the jet ski in the first place. It was so far away. I didn't even think they would have heard me. I'm tracking. Okay.

So anyway, that's basically the first part of the story, except for the fact that like we went and got a beer. We talked about it and never talked about it again. I was like, you can't ever do that to me again. And I was just like, thank God, I didn't have to call my aunt and, you know, say that I lost her son in the middle of a lake in Nebraska. Right, right, right, right.

So that's part one. I'll be short with part two. Totally on him, though. Totally on him. Totally on him. Totally on him. In the film Gattaca, he says he never left anything for the way back. I don't, I never saw that.

He swims half. Why does he swim so far and so fast? But he never left anything for the way back. Oh. It was just, that was a, that was about ambition, not being, um, uh, uh, uh, wrong. I see. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. No, I'm not a very strong swimmer and there's no fucking way. I mean, somebody could talk me into swimming further than I would want to, but I would never be the one to say like, hey, let's attempt a swim that's longer than what I would be comfortable with. That's like real, that's real male thinking. Good job, guys. It's also quite interesting to be halfway across the lake and say, I'd like to introduce a problem for which there is no solution. Right, exactly. Rather than just like, you know, you kind of got it out at that point.

Absolutely. I have had, I have had this similar situation a number of times, but it was from swimming from a boat to shore. At least three times in my life I have been in a situation where everyone goes, let's swim to shore. And me being a coward but deeply wanting to be like to say, yes, yes, let's. and I have a freak out. I've had at least three times in my life a freak out on the way there. And I've just been quiet about it. I just would have quietly died and drowned and no one would have known.

They wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't, I didn't stress anyone out. I got to the shore and was like, oh, that sucked. Why did I do that? And then I have to go back, which is usually harder. Right, right. It's actually a testament to your, is a cousin or his cousin that he spoke up rather than die of embarrassment. Yeah, yeah. Literally dive.

Yeah. So that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a, there's a second, there's an addendum, which is. Okay, yes. Go ahead. Is that okay if I tell it?

Of course. We're here. You're here. Why not? So it's December 2020. We're in Los Angeles. I now have a two-year-old and a husband. And we decided to move, my husband and I decided to move back to New York.

And it was really stressful because there was no vaccine yet. We hatched a crazy plan to get back. and I was it was if you can imagine or remember it's stressful time. So my husband was driving back and we now have three cats. So he's driving with three cats. I'm going to hop on a plane, which was also terrifying to me at the time with my two-year-old. And we were going to meet back in New York. And I felt I was not feeling great about it.

And maybe like six hours in, I start to get text from him that he's like really not feeling good. and they start to increase. He gets to Amarillo, Texas, which, you know, interesting place, lots of nice people there, not big masking, spot, and it was a, you know, scary moment. And he checks the cats into a pet-friendly motel and drives himself to the hospital because his appendix was bursting. Oh, my God.

It was insane. So I had to come up with this plan on the fly. I got his sister to fly out and get him. He couldn't drive to New York because now he's, and by the way, like, the people there were so nice. The woman at the motel was buying cat food for me, breaking into the room,

like that I don't know if she was breaking, but like making sure to get into the room, get the cat fed, taking care. Like, they like could not have been nicer, but it was so scary. And,

um, so I get it. His sister is now. And that answered my main question. I don't, I didn't care about your husband. I was worried about his cats. I was going on with these four cats.

And then I call Kevin, cousin Kevin, who's now living in South Beach. I'm going to tease him a little bit because I call him and he's like clearly in a nightclub when I'm calling him December of 2020. And I'm like, hey, we got a problem. I need your help. And he is like, he also drove me all across country. Like he's the guy you call. And he got on a plane to Emerilla, Texas. And he picked up a par and picked up the cast and like met us.

He drove it all the way across the country. drove it back and we all met back in New York and somehow survived it. That was the way back. And what a wonderful family. Yeah, you're a good family. I mean, I don't know. I can't imagine any of my cousins doing that. Yeah, I see, it's hard to imagine that.

Or maybe it's just I can't imagine doing it for them. Maybe that's what I'm imagining. Well, I promised if I told him the first part of the story, I would also tell the second because he comes out a little more heroic. That's fair. No, I see that. I see that. Your cousin, Kevin, contains multitudes. Absolutely.

Kevin, you've really bounced back. Yeah. You know, if you check, yeah, you're in the money here now. Check one of those, you know, CalShe sites. You're on the rise now. Of Kevin being a good guy. Yeah. All right.

Well, Lindsay, thank you so much. I'm glad you're all, you've made it through. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah, good talking to you, too. 855-266-2 is the number.

If you've got a road trip story Again What's what's going on with the World Cup guys? Anybody tracking that? 1-0 England is up All right We're rooting for England of Argentina? I am just because I like underdogs

I think it's a better story Am I correct and remembering that the Falklands was a battle between England and Argentina? It certainly was interesting Yeah yeah Yeah no that they were in England was Was in the right

Were they? I believe the islands were uninhabited Yeah. But it still seems, you know, like it's a bit imperial. For sure. But I think it was like the kind of thing where, yes, but it was about the fighting over them was, I think, launched by it. It was not like they were trying to protect some. It was two countries competing over land, if I remember correctly.

People were sort of on that. But I'm actually not sure I remember my history correctly. And I don't want to sit here and pretend I'm on Margaret Thatcher's side in that conflict. And I'm kind of regretting how I framed it. Oh, yeah. Well, anyway. Now I don't remember. Yay.

Anyway, I was trying to come up with a reason to root for Argentina. England was in the right. John Lovett. Listen, if there's anything you take away from this episode, it's that I took a shit on a plane once, and I love Margaret Thatcher. He loves colonizers. The Iron Lady.

The Iron Lady. All right. She was a tough old broad. She sure was. Yeah. She gave those union what's for? She pulled the ladder up after her, but whatever. Stephen from New Hampshire.

He's got a wild card. Hey, Andy. John, a wild card is just an off-top. Great. How are you? So, Stephen, give it to it. I'm good. How are you?

Good. Good luck with your new knee. But more importantly, good luck with that salad, man. Geez. Oh, yeah. Well, we'll see. I'm going home after this, and I don't have much else planned. Mm.

I got a night, you know, the guy got the Toto toilet. It's nice. There you go. All right. Really? Come on. It's an embarrassment of riches. Do you up for a summer camp story? Absolutely.

Yeah, no. And I understand do you have this story because we had to cancel last week? Right. Because of your knee. Anyway. Yeah, it was. I couldn't leave the house. Yeah.

Now, we're not talking about the fact that you also showed up with a beautiful new set of yabos. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you should see. You should see my tits, Stephen. Like, it's like, oh, yeah, his knee. But yeah. Perfect.

That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, uh, that's, that's, uh, this guy's got a caboose. My story kind of ties into that. So. All right. So get us your summer camp story. I'm going to preface my story by saying, I absolutely hated summer camp when I was a kid. I, I, I hated.

Yeah. Because I didn't like it either. Right. I mean, I was chubby. And I always went. to these athletic camps that my mother would make me go to. And I hated sports and I was uncoordinated. And I just, I just hated camp.

So, yeah, I'm in, this is maybe 50 years ago. I'm a kid. I'm at the summer camp in Maine somewhere. And I'm, of course, they make you get in the lake first thing in the morning because it's, you know, they want to torture the campers. Right. Yeah, right. Exactly.

So we're doing swim class. and I'm miserable. I just want to go home. And keep in mind, I'm a chubby kid. And so I had boy boobs. I was well and down. I was, I was, I was, in the tities, right.

Yes. You know, so, so I'm in the lake in this other camper, this girl, this very mean girl from about 20 feet away. And I didn't even know who she was, but she starts pointing at me and laughing. And she goes, hey, bra boy, how you doing, bra boy? And I'm traumatized by this. Yeah.

I mean, it really, it was upsetting to me, you know, and I'm being bullied by this other camper. And I just, I just wanted to call mommy and have her pick me up. And I've lived with this for over 50 years. I used to work in radio. My nickname was Braboy for a while on the radio. And, uh, why? Why would that happen? Why would she call me Braboy?

No, why would you carry it on to your radio career? No, we know why you were called Braboy. You had tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a joke. It was just like, you know, I was laughing at myself about it. So you were attempting to reclaim the word. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it's like queer. Like queer. Yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah. So I don't know if she's listening. I don't even know her name. I don't know if she's dead or alive.

but suck it mean girl. I'm talking with Andy Richter right now. So there. Yeah. Fuck you. Can I read something? This is real. I'm going to read something.

This is a letter from my nephew to my sister. I have permission to read it on a podcast because I actually was, I read it on this week's love to leave it, but it's completely fitting the topic. Okay. I hate it here. Nothing is fun. Come pick me up from this fucking prison now. It's 11.

Wow. Please, I am done giving it a chance. I'm done being positive. Please tell me when you are picking me up, daytime Monday. I do not want to wait till visiting day for you to pick me up. Please, Monday, text the person you are talking to to make sure I am okay.

I am on the brink of finding my own way out of this prison. Come pick me up as soon as Monday. I'm miserable, having no fun, and I really want to leave. Come pick me up, please, Bennett. I think I wrote the same letter. Yeah. Wow.

I mean, I don't even think he's like an A cup. Yeah. Yeah, no, Stephen, I'm with you. I had the same thing. I've had tits my whole life. And it's, yeah, and people could be fucking shitty. But what the only like sort of, because I'm, I've always been like a big person,

height wise and everything. But the only, there was one guy. in the year above me in school who had it out for me and like would and it was it was all a lot of like football because we play on this football team and looking back on it it there was some weird some kind of tension going on because there was one point where I came to I showed up to a party uh this is in high school and he was standing by the front door with another kind of like fucking Yahoo football guy

and he grabbed my tits as hard as he possibly could and squeezed like painfully squeezed them and it was just the most like alarming like what the fuck is going on right now but he never

I think he never called you bra boy no he never did but no one ever grabbed your tits Stephen at least hey you know we don't know we don't have to compare our trauma It's not a content.

Hey, I just, one thing, as I said at the beginning of this session, Andy, Stephen, is not a competition. All right. And both of you have hurt and those hurts are not in competition. That's okay. And that's something I just, I want to reemphasize because I want to have a single done of discussion. And we're trying to figure this out.

Stephen, you should have by the time you're on the radio been bra man. I should have been. Where were you 20 years ago? Wow. Worrying about my tits. Yeah. Yeah. me too.

All right. Well, Stephen, thank you for, thank you so much for calling in. Thanks for the wild card. Thank you. Have a great day, guys. All righty. See you. Thank you.

Hmm. Hmm. Really stuck with him for a long time. I'm sorry he couldn't make better peace with it. He's still wishing harm upon this girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was but a child. Yeah, yeah.

Carrying around her own problems that led to that kind of meanness. Yeah, her cuntiness might have been someone else's fault. A hundred percent. It had to have been, in fact. It could have been a trauma. response. But it's at a certain point, you can't write off every asshole as to like they're in trauma response. At a certain point, you got to take, you know, you got to, you know, take credit for your own assholness. Look, I think the moral culpability of each of us as individuals, despite the fact that

we carry the consequences of our childhoods, which are not our responsibility is one of the great philosophical questions of being alive. Sure is. Why would you say, Brian? boy. He didn't have a bra on. Right. It's not even that clever. And if it cast such a long shadow, don't tell people to work about it. Yeah. Now, that was the other, like, yeah. I was called bra boy for years. Lots on you. I guess I got, you know, trying to reclaim it.

But still, it obviously bothers him. I'm so sorry, Stephen. We're sorry, Stephen. Next up, Brandon from Portland. Oh, my gosh, another wild card. Another summer camp wildcard, Brandon. We're here, ready for it. Andy, actually, we've met before. I was when I was an animation executive at Nickelodeon. Remember those wild, Buck, wild Halloween parties that used to throw? I do, yeah, yeah.

Nickelodeon has, Nickleodian, because I used to be on a few Nickelodeon do voices for Nickelodeon shows. and they have the most fun Halloween parties because they're all, you know, like they decorate their offices and they go completely all out and have like different sort of like homemade, like haunted houses, you know, like you go, like you go into accounting and it's all dripping with blood and black lights and things like that.

Double-dair. Yeah, no, it was actually really cool. You can't do that on television? Well, this is more the animation. Oh, yeah, yeah. This is more in the animated world, I think. Right. Yeah, yeah.

Do you still work for them? I don't. I actually, I'm a writer now. So now I traded my network suit for an orthopedic writing risk band thing. Okay. Well, I hope you're working. I am. And actually, the story, actually, I actually used it as a spec script.

And that got me staffed on shows. So, yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. All right. Well, we'll hit us with it. Okay. So the summer before my junior year, I took a couple weeks to as a first summer job.

So it wasn't the whole summer. It was just a job as a coach for a soccer camp. Is this junior year of college or high school? Sorry, you're right. This is high school, high school. This is a high school story. Okay. So I took a job with a buddy of mine.

And my buddy was like a big youth group guy. And he was like, hey, actually, after the camp, I'm going to go to the sleepaway camp. Do you want to go with me? I was like, I'm not religious. I definitely don't want to spend the rest of my summer at a youth group camp. No, thank you. Yeah. But so anyway, so I worked at this camp as a coach, and there was a girl there,

and it was very, like, she was cute. I think she thought I was cute. A lot of, like, that office flirting romance, right? And, but we only had two weeks. And during the last week, I was panicking because this girl went to a rival high school. We didn't have cell phones in, so I had no way to getting hold of her. And I was like, oh, my God, I didn't get a chance. My time, I'm burning time here.

What I'm going to do? What I'm going to do? We're starting to panic. And, Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, well, this is going to turn into that solicity. You know, we guys know about show Felicity. So we can turn to that really soon here.

So what happens is that she, at the very last day of this camp, she says, hey, your friend mentioned something about a youth group camp afterward. Are you going to that? And I start to laugh it off. And then I go, oh, wait, whoa, she's asking if I'm going to this camp. I go, are you going? She's like, I don't know, are you? It goes on for probably obnoxiously way too long.

And finally, I'll go if you go. And so she's going to go. So I sign up. And I'm like, okay, I'm going to fall of this girl who I barely know to like this religious youth group, Christian youth group camp. I can endure some gospel music and some sermons by like, you know, flat top wearing, scala loving swing dance type youth group leader for a couple weeks. if I can just get to know this girl a little bit more.

And so I did. And that it was like, it was that. It was like, had to endure this kind of thing for a couple weeks. And I was like, what am I doing? But like we had that kind of like summer romance. We're holding hands, passing notes, that kind of thing. Was she religious? So no.

So at the time she was not. The story kind of concludes with that. The trip kind of ends, the camp ends. and then we end up exchanging AOL instant messenger names. That's how we stay in touch. And we end up going up on a couple dates afterward. And on one of those dates, she says, hey, I got something important to tell you, I'm getting baptized.

And then that was kind of like my way to kind of like be like, okay, I don't think it's going to work out. I'm going to slowly just kind of back off into the shadows here because I thought we were just doing this as a thing to weigh, as a means to get known each other. I didn't know we were actually taking it seriously. So that was kind of how that's way. Yeah. So the camp sort of rather than being, you know, swayed by your powerful musk,

she was, she was drawn in to Christianity. That's what was happening for her. The warm embrace of Jesus Christ. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, there was another, there was another young man with some crazy ideas that she was enamored with. So who was sticking around just to get late. Yeah, that's right. And why did the fact that she wanted to be baptized mean that this wasn't the love of your life? I just was like, I'm just not a religious person. I'm not ever going to be. And I was like, this is going to be a problem later on down the line, probably, right?

That's just sort of a lot of a lot to be worrying about when you're 17. I think I'm the kind of guy that was, even as a teenager, like, part of my sleeve, always thinking about the long game, I think. but also too doesn't the religious thing sort of like uh limit the sexual options to be frank yeah probably but is that is that is that in your thinking i'd probably not like if she's gonna love jesus she's not probably not gonna like like it nuts right doesn't we can still make out um uh i don't know i probably wasn't thinking like i was i was not thinking sex at that point but i was thinking about like wait what does this mean what this mean how far how long this path are you going to go

What does it mean? I think the pad took over. And then I was like, okay, easy way to kind of back out of this. But that, there's no way to bottle that feeling, though, of like, you like someone. You want them to like you. You don't have enough information to go on. You're not even in a position to ask a date. And then you push forward this little idea of, I don't want to, I might go to this camp if you went.

And then she said, I'll go, if you go, that little bit of purchase where it's like, wait. I'm not crazy. There's something going on here. It's almost like an encryption thing where you have a secret, which is like I like you and she has a secret that's I like you, but you're not allowed to reveal the secret, but you have to figure out how to come, you have to figure out some sort of slow way of revealing the information,

but being able to have plausible deniability for some reason because we're weird little monkeys running around. They really are. God, that moment where she's like, I'll go if you go, it's like, we, this is on. Yeah, yeah. Something's happening. This is on until she decides, eh, maybe it's not.

But if you could bottle that feeling up, I'd be strung out all the time, right? I mean, that's good stuff. That's a teenage summer stuff. Yeah, no, that was, yeah, because my youth was spent with, like, somebody that would give me that, like, yes, yes, I like you. Yes, yes. And then, but at a certain point, like, it was like, you know, in a brotherly way. You know, like, I got a lot of that when I was younger before I came to. to my full sexual power.

Right. You know, and became the irresistible, you know, demigod that you'll see now. Yeah. I just say that as he's saying that his feet are up on the desk,

I think because his knees bother him. Absolutely. Yes, my feet are up on the console because I could start to feel the swelling in my knee. So, so,

you know, so if anybody's out there looking to get laid. So I can't tell if it's the injury getting in the way of the raw sexual power that I've just learned about. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Look, we can work around the knee, ladies. All right, Brandon. Thank you so much. It's worse than what I said about England. Oh, thank you guys.

Just if we're ranking it. Thank you so much. All right. Well, John, that's our show. That's it. Yeah. What a time. Quickie.

Thank you so much for coming in. At this point, we pick up, that we usually pick a favorite. I don't, there were so many that were just kind of, like, I can't say Braboy was my favorite. No, I wouldn't say it's. Yeah, you know. I think just in terms of, well, I think, you know, the four days of constipation, it has its merits. But I really think that I was so invested in the halfway across the pond and then feeling like you're going to die. It was a classic dramatic arc of, this is easy, wait, this is too hard.

Oh, no, we're going to die. We're fine. We're fine, a little annoyed. And then to follow it up with three cats sitting in a motel room for a few days going like, what's happening? What is, who's this lady feeding us? What is happening? Too many cats.

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Too many cats. I mean, but it's, come on you get one cat, two cats. Third cat. Now I've got a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

Well, John, people need to listen to love it or leave it and Pod Save America. Check us out on YouTube. Both very successful ongoing concerns. Give it a click. Hey, give it a click. You're wasting your time anyway. You're watching screen six hours a fucking day. You're claiming to be busy all the goddamn time and you're staring at a screen most of it.

Follow these shows on YouTube. Fave and follow. What the fuck? We'll be back next Wednesday talking office drama stories with a Parnan and Shirley. You can call in if you have some good news. I might. If you have an office drama story, give us a call at 855-266-2-604 or fill out the Google form. in any of my social media

bios. As always, love those wildcards. A little late, but still there. It's fine. All right, well, once again, John, always a joy to see you. Yeah, congratulations. Mazel Tov on the Nubtels.

And I'll be back next week. Thank you, everyone. Conan Oprah.