The Three Questions with Andy Richter - José Arroyo: F'ed Up in Public (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

You know José as Dr. Arroyo from Conan's infamous "Hot Ones" appearance! The Emmy Award-winning comedy writer and cartoonist joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear some "F'ed Up in Public" stories. In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories about dock jumps gone wrong, tainted biscuits and gravy, puking in a mascot costume, and a guy lost in space.Note: this episode was recorded on 8/21/2024.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  
This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Ah yes, that public domain theme music can only mean one thing. It's time for the Andy Richter College show. That theme music is very similar to the theme music I wanted to use, but that would have cost money. Yes. So they came up with a version that is similar. And it's still, it's a hit little tune. 70s game show AI.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just, you know, like groovy cocktail, escapel-y kind of, you know. Anyway, hi everybody. It's The Call-In Show, and we're live on Conan O'Brien Radio. And our topic today is f'd up in public. I can say fucked up because we're on the radio now I know we're not an Instagram, but we're talking fucked up in public And if you want to come on the Andy Richter call and show you can give us a call right now at 855 266 2604

And my guest host today is an old pal, an old co-worker. He's a two-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer. Was that with the Conan Show? Yeah, one of them was with Conan, yeah. And what was the other one? Dennis Miller, live, the first year I ever started writing. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, you know, things have changed.

He's also an artist, cartoonist, been featured in The New Yorker, correct? Yes, thank you. A few times, yeah. That's gotta be like, that's like one of those little side things for every comedy person that's like a little dream come true.

Yes, yes. It was a feather in my cap. Yeah. And beyond that, it's like, it's $12, I'm sure. But anyway, it's Jose12, I'm sure. But anyway, it's Jose Arroyo. Hi, everyone. Hi there, and you're also Conan's physician.

I am Dr. Arroyo as of April. You were in the very famous Hot Ones. That's right, with Sean Evans and Conan. Was that alarming to you, what Conan did on that? Because it was alarming to me. It was alarming. As someone that loves him, it was just like, just stop, honey, you don't have to do that.

But he does. He's Chuck Yeager with comedy. I know. Like he has to push that. I know, but as someone who loves him, it's like watching, you know, to me it took me right back to when we were on tour together. Yes.

And at the end of the show, he would play guitar and run around and live out his rockstar fantasy stuff. And in a couple of these old theaters, he literally stood up on the edge of the balcony railing. Like with nothing between him and the 30 to 40 foot drop. And it infuriated me. Cause I just was like, it's a stunt that gets a pop from the crowd,

but you are endangering yourself, and there are lots of people that would be really sad if you become a paraplegic. Exactly, exactly, exactly. I think he just senses, you know, his risk tolerance and goes there, but then it's always a much bigger risk than I would have taken.

Oh, absolutely. When we did a travel show in Berlin, he went to visit a dominatrix, and he had to, you know to strip down to his waist, he had to kept his pants on and stuff, but she started applying these devices and things on him, and I'm like, oh my gosh, this guy will do anything, you know, and hot wax being poured on him

and all this stuff, and I go, you are going for the comedy far beyond the rest of it. Or he's twisted. Or he enjoys it. And it can be both. Yeah, yeah. I just sometimes, Greg Daniels, his old, old friend and former writing partner, there was a profile of Conan, and the writer said something like,

well he really seems to have sort of calmed down and he isn't like as intense about his comedy as he used to be. And Greg said, the man just drank a bottle of hot sauce. And I was like, that is perfect. Yes, he really did. He poured it on his nipples. He was just out of control.

He asked me two weeks before he was supposed to do it. He said, you know, nobody's ever brought a guest on, and I was thinking maybe you could play the part of my doctor, where you would be checking my vitals to make sure that I was okay with all these hot sauces. And then I just had to turn around and sort of get into a doctor's mode. And I had played doctors and officials and stuff.

I sketched it on the show. You always get all the official jobs. It's the glasses, Andy. It's the glasses and the earnest look and the terror right behind the eyes. Yeah. But yeah, and then, and so we wound up doing it and it was successful, I got recognized at a Trader Joe's.

I can't tell you. Damn. Damn. I bet just the tail that you're getting based off of Dr. Roy. Wear the lab coat for me, please. Well, now, we're talking aft up in public. And we were looking at it as either inebriated

or making a huge mistake in public. Tubening, if you will. Um... Jeffery, reference to Jeffery Tuben, who was on a Zoom call. Who was jerking it on a Zoom call. Everyone knows who he is. It's in the OED now.

It's an action, Burr. Um, now, you had a story about something that involved a bit you wrote for me. Yes, which was, um, so talking about effing up in public. Some years back, this Fox TV show host, a guy named Brit Hume, posted a screen grab of his computer

to make some point on Twitter. And in it, there was an open tab that you could see right behind what he was showing you. It said, Sexy Vinyl Vixens. And he got a lot of flack for it because he was showing you, it said, Sexy Vinyl Vixens. And he got a lot of flack for it because he was sort of a family values guy. Right, right.

And this was so easy. No, he's a fucking asshole. Well, OK. So your words have my. But then it inspired me to write a sketch for you and Conan where Conan comments on the story. And then you said, yeah, and I actually looked up Sexy Vinyl Vixens, and here's what it was.

And we show a screen grab of your computer and you have tabs that say Young and Hung, Fill My Butt, and Back Door Cock, as well as like ESPN. And then Conan's outraged, Andy, look at your tabs. And you get offended and you're like, Billy, open up Young and Hung. Young and Hung was a law firm

that you had a property dispute and you wanted the law firm to take care of it. And then, fill my butt. Well, the tab got cut off. It was, fill my butter receptacle from my popcorn machine. I lost the instructions. Fill my butt. And then the final one was, Conan goes,

yeah, I suppose backdoor cock is about some guy who built a pet door for his prized rooster. And you're like, exactly. And we cut to it and there's a man holding a rooster. There's a pet door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, well, Andy, I don't know what to say. And you just played it so well, you're like, how about I'm sorry?

And then he goes, well, wait, wait, there's ESPN. And then you're like, sports. And he goes, well, you're not into sports. And we show that innocuous tab. And it says, extra small penis neckties. And you've got two little neckties on your thumbs up. Yeah. That are penises. And then you just said, you ad-libbed, I go to a lot of formal events.

So that's an example. We said cock? We showed the word cock and I guess because it was related to rooster, which it was. Oh, we could do it. We could hold, you know, the man's holding up a rooster. I think that's how we got away with it. Right, right, and even before we did the reveal, we could say back door car.

On the tab. Wow. It was right there. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Now, do you have, I mean, do you have any of the other kind? Personal ones? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, not alcohol related, but messed up in ways that I, you know how when you're just walking around and suddenly you violently cringe at a memory? Like, ah! So as a performer, I'm a comedy writer, I've done a lot of stuff, I've eaten it on stage. I've done stand-up, one time I was in New Brunswick, I was doing a stand-up show, 20 minutes, opening act, great!

And it went very well, you know, laughs and applause and stuff. And then I walk away and the person at the end of the audience is going, the headliner isn't here. Go back and fill in the time. And it drained me because I just began, for the next 10 minutes I was bombing. I just had half thought material and stuff. And I felt like all the energy had been sapped out of me.

And I just, I drove home shaking. It's like this, I ate it. But that's not even the most embarrassing worst F up in public. The story I came into the studio with happened to be in college. I was a pre-med major before I found my true calling, which was writing and comedy and stuff.

I was trying to impress, I don't know, my parents or myself or something. And I was failing out of Cornell as a pre-med major. I just had no aptitude for the science or anything like that. So I remember being very drowsy, having stayed up late hating my life, and I go to a lecture, and it was one of those 200 seat lectures,

and the guys droning on down at the bottom of the lecture hall, and I just get very drowsy, and I fall asleep, and I woke up to the sound of myself farting. It was a disaster. Wow. And it wasn't one of those, pinch the balloon. It was a big loud fart.

It was one of those that make a word, like propeller. I woke up to propeller, you know, and I wake up, of course, and everybody's staring at me, and it was the most embarrassing thing to this day. And I haven't farted since. That's how bad. That's how bad it was the most embarrassing thing to this day that's I haven't farted since that's how bad that's how bad it was. It really worked out for the best. Exactly. For you and for everyone. Yes. Oh my god. There it is. And did the do you think the professor noted was it loud enough? It was I think there was a radius of

audible audibility but I don't think it went down to the professor he certainly didn't comment on it. It didn't interrupt his lecture. Well, good for that. Thanks. Thank goodness. No, science was saved. Wow.

All right. Well, we're going to turn it to the callers here. So that's the bar. Yes. That's the low bar. You couldn't have messed up more. I mean, come on. It's just a fart.

It's not a big deal. I only think about it every other day. Every other day. Yes. Yeah, no. Oh, I get it. Yes. Yeah, no. Oh, I get it. Okay, well this is the Andy Richter calling show, Conan Channel.

Connor, Connor's calling in from Philly. Hey. You there, Connor? Hey, how's it going, guys? Hey, there you got Andy, you got Jose. Let us know about your fucked up story, man. So at first, I really wasn't sure what the assignment was, so I decided to hedge my bets and went for F'd up

in like the drunk, messed up sense, and then, oh, that guy really messed up just now, kind of thing. Yeah, anything you want. Honestly, we just have an hour to fill, and if it's funny and good, we don't care. And if it involves you being humiliated or someone being humiliated,

that's really the hallmark of this show. It's someone, not myself. Good. Oh man, but it kind of ties back into what you guys were talking about earlier about endangering yourself. So the backstory is if you're between the ages of 18 and 25 in the greater Philadelphia area,

you probably already know about a bar called Morgan's Pier right off of the off of Delaware Avenue and is right on the water, which is key with this story. So a few years back, prior to COVID, a couple friends of mine decided to, you know, go there, hang out with the young people, get to know them around 11pm. And that time, there's usually a pretty long line. So we, you in that 20-minute line to decide hey you know we want some drinks let's go in. So right as we get up and we're standing in line you know waiting just to get in we see a few guys just immediately get kicked out of the bar they're clearly pretty wasted didn't belong there the bouncer just kicks them

right out. We see them walking by us, but they make a little bit of a turn. The thing about this bar is it's right on the water, and along the water there's this concrete path that leads to a bunch of different docks, which have small boats there. People can dock there, go up into the bar go back etc so these guys climb over the very small fence to access the stock climbing over is a verb that comes up a lot in fucked up stories climbing over climbing over a fence yeah yeah it's like the entree right go ahead appetizer

to the the main course of embarrassment. It was a low fence and with the condition that they were in, we were just as shocked to see that they got over. But as they climbed over, they realized, oh, hey, the docks are pretty, you know, shortly spaced apart. So I want to say they were about like three feet apart with like a little bit of distance for the boat to get in, then three feet. So one of the guys in the group starts to jump like run alongside then jump between the docks,

run back, jump again, run back and we're all witnessing this from from the line going in and we already know what's going to happen. We're just waiting for it to happen. So about on the at the third or fourth dock where he goes to do that he trips the bottom half of his body goes into the water the top half lands on top of the dock he hits his head and then he just sinks into the water and it's about three foot drop into the water. I think it might have been low tide, but we, you could just tell it was one of those moments where he really effed up because the whole crowd was watching and whenever you hear that, oh! Yeah. That's what we did. Wow. Well, I mean, was he at risk of drowning? No, like he was, as soon as he went in, it just kind of was a shock to the system,

whether it was the cold water or the nasty fluids that exist within the Delaware River. Yeah, yeah. But he was able to just get himself up to surface. He had to swim about five meters out into the water just to get to a ladder and get back up. But it was one of those things that, you know, it happens, someone has to stop

and you can't forget it. No. And you can talk to strangers in line about it. Yeah, exactly. That's one of those things where a tragedy allows you to turn, did you see that? Did you see that? Remember that, yeah.

Wow. And I was new to the city too, so just being able to talk to somebody at the time was. Yes, right? It's actually, it's an icebreaker in a way. Thank God for that guy. What a selfless individual. All right, Connor, thanks so much for, is that it?

Is that no further, the guy didn't have a, no ambulances called or anything? Well, the epilogue to that is there's Dave and Busters right next door and we got flushed with the Dave and Busters. Oh, nice, there you go. Dave and Busters. Oh, and we got splashed with the Dave and Busters. Oh nice! There you go. Dave and Busters. Oh I hope those guys never split up. Okay, Connor, thanks for calling. Thanks for the call, Connor. Thanks Andy, thanks David. Thank you. You know what he just reminded me, because I was thinking like do I really have,

because I mean I certainly have been fucked up a lot, but I don't remember anything. But I do, his little story there just reminded me of a time in Chicago when I was out of college doing improv and me and a bunch of people, Tommy Blacho was one of them, there were I think four of us, we went down to the lakefront and there was a bottle of Jim Beam being passed around and at some point somebody decided let's take off all our clothes and go sit down close to the Waterline, but it's in its big slab boulders like yeah cubes of rock. Yeah, they're like really slippery You know so once you get down there, so everybody did and we're down there And I like I say this is all vague recollections this but definitely having a vague recollection of feeling like if I slip,

I could easily like gash open my scrotum or something on these sharp slippery rocks. But while we're all sitting down there naked, a flashlight hits us. Oh no. And it's the Chicago cops. Like, come on everybody, get up here. Get up here, what the fuck are you guys doing down there?

And so we get up and they were in a cruiser. it's like it's in the park but they're driving through the park. And so we're all like getting our clothes on and my friend Paula was there and she as we're getting dressed she's all saucy and she goes like, oh why don't you just shine your light on my tits? And the cop was like, all right. But then, so we got dressed and they just let us go. Oh, sure. And we were walking back and from the part I forgot after the cops, I lost it. I, you know, just in terms of my memory, I apparently went to sleep on my feet. just in terms of my memory, I apparently went to sleep on my feet.

We were by Wrigley Field, which is like 20 minutes of walking. And all of a sudden, I came to on my feet. And there's this really dicey guy walking with us. And I was just like, where the fuck is going on? What is happening? We picked up a pal. But I was completely blacked out.

Yeah. Just a mess. And then the next day, a bunch of people stayed at our apartment. And I threw up the night before. And when I was, I said to everybody, hey, I said, did you guys hear me throwing up last night? And Tommy Blacho, who's my roommate, said, no, we didn't hear you throwing up last night and Tommy Blacho who's my roommate said no we didn't we didn't

hear you throwing up but we did hear Jackie Gleason throwing up so yeah so it was apparently a very theatrical very yes yeah all right we got another caller coming in here we got Roger calling from Los Angeles the finest town LA she's my lady. Hey, Roger. Hi, how you guys doing? Good, you got Jose, you got Andy. Tell us your story.

I shit my pants on my bachelor party weekend a couple times, actually. Nice, you shit your pants more than once during the bachelor party? More than once, oh yeah, more than once. So a lot of them- Did this show, were you worried about getting married? Like, was this like cold feet at the altar?

No. Warm bottom? No, this was me not listening to my wife. So we, the morning of my bachelor, part of the Friday morning, we went out to breakfast at my favorite spot and I ordered food. My wife said, you know that, I got biscuits and gravy.

My wife said, that doesn't smell right. And I said, whatever, and I ate it anyway. And- You ate tainted biscuits and gravy and my wife said, that doesn't smell right. And I said, whatever, and I ate it anyway. And uh. You ate tainted biscuits and gravy. Yeah, tainted biscuits and gravy. So we went to the Costco. It started there. I let a fart out that was so loud

that even the Costco employees who were heard outside the bathroom were like, what the hell is that noise? So then we jumped in the van. We started headed to Vegas. We stopped in Baker. I had diarrhea there. We, it was pretty bad. And then I'm like oh god open up food poisoning for my bachelor party

weekend so then we made it to Prim and we stopped and we had to get gas so I got elected to put gas in the van and I'm sitting there and I'm like oh oh god I feel some pressure and sure enough, I shit my pants right there, putting gas in the car. And I knew it wasn't good, so. In prim of all places. I started to wobble away to the, the prim of all places.

It was nice and hot. Yes. So I started to waddle towards the, towards the flying J that we were at. And my friend got out of the van and goes, hey Roger, did you shit your pants? I'm like, Brent, dude, just leave it. He's like, you shit your pants?

I'm like waddling in. Leave a guy a little bit of elegance, you know? Yeah, leave me some dignity, man. And I waddled into the bathroom. I took my underwear off. It was done. I threw my underwear in the trash, I cleaned up to the best I could, jumped back into the van.

I have a wedding to attend. I must not keep my bride waiting. Yes, go on. Yeah, we went in and I had the runs that whole night. We were walking around. My friends were like, oh, we should go out and go drinking. I'm like, I don't know if I should be drinking, guys. And my friend's like, here, drink this bottle of Pepto-Bismol.

And I thought he meant drink the whole thing. So I just pounded a whole bottle. Oh, OK. Oh, boy. That didn't help. So we're walking around the strip. And I just kept having to stop wherever there was a bathroom to use the bathroom.

And one of the couple times, I had a little bit of an incident again and we ended up they ended up staying out I went back to the hotel room and just passed out and then in the morning they're like well what do you want to do and I said I tell you we'll go to the real buffet and if I can make it through the real buffet for more than an hour without shitting my pants, then I think we're in good shape So we did that and I was okay For about a couple hours, but it got better the second day we were there. I was okay my stomach recovered So right so all wasn't lost

But my favorite part is that we were on our way back And as we're driving through a pin my friend Richard said wouldn't it be funny if someone let the yelp review saying that they found Studio nowhere in the trash? And I said, well, hold on a second. I went up on my Yelp account and wrote, so for the Flying J, I wrote, great place to shit your pants. I wrote a Yelp review about me

shitting my pants at the Flying J. How many stars did you give yourself? I gave myself, I gave myself two stars. I gave myself four stars. I gave myself four stars. Because I said it was a great place to shit your pants. I left my shitty undies in the trash. This place is pretty clean. And then I had a second account,

because the job I had at the time, the owner of the company I worked for had me leave shitty Yelp reviews for competitors. So I had a second Yelp account. So I wrote in that Yelp account, I wrote, this place is terrible. I went into the bathroom to use it and found so many shitty undies in the trash can.

But I got some good Doritos for the drive home. Roger, this is very important for me. Are you still married? Yes. Oh, congratulations. All right, sounds like an understanding person. That's great. I am not allowed to poop at home though.

That is a rule that we have now Wow, well, wow twice shy. Yeah. Yeah, what did she glow? Did she gloat about I told you so about the the tainted biscuits and gravy. Oh, yeah No to this day. She still reminds me about about the the biscuits and gravy. She's I told you they smell bad So I hear about that whenever biscuits and gravy are brought up. Nice. All right well thanks Roger.

Be careful those biscuits and gravy. Yeah that's great. Thanks for the call. Yeah I'm a little more careful there. I smell it before I eat it now. Nice job. Well then you learned something. All right going to Gabriel from San Diego.

Hey Gabriel. Hey yes I went to a wedding It's like right outside of LA For for one of my cousins. It's a nice little like a sienna looking like thing. It was like little of nowhere, honestly I remember we were driving for hours just to get to this place, but Of course it was with the side of the family. We don't really go with but they are heavy drinkers and They apparently were feeding me drinks and shots like the whole night. Yeah, yeah.

Apparently. That's a good sign. Apparently. I mean, I don't remember obviously but they fed me shot after shot and then the champagne came out. No one liked it. Only I did. So I drank it at the table.

Wow. And how old are you at this point? This was a couple of years ago, right out of COVID. I don't even know how old I was. I think I was like 24, 25. Oh, okay. So it wasn't like they were doing this to a 17-year-old or something?

Oh, no, no. I mean, they probably would know me family, but no, not that I mean they probably would know my family But earlier this is part of the story earlier in the day when we took pictures They asked us to take stuff out of our pants pockets because they don't want to your old use or something I don't know. Yeah, nice. Yeah, I had a pocket knife on me for some reason and I was like, yeah I'll just put it in my coat jacket like the little pocket and the jacket and I left it in there and I was dancing with my cousin who is the brother of the groom and we were doing like

little dances on the dance floor I think we did that thing like in Titanic with like Jack and where they're like, you know, they're spinning around each other's hands. Yeah. And I fell and we both fell. And when I fell, I slapped my right hand, slapped my left shoulder and I thought nothing of it. And I got up and I walked over to my brother,

and as I was walking over, I was like touching, I was like, you know, feeling my hand. I was like, huh, it's getting real sticky for some reason. And yeah, I stabbed myself through my sleeve and everything, like in my arm. So the knife was open in your jacket pocket. Like, it was, the blade was exposed in some way. Yeah, so I guess it was a brand new pocket knife.

I was very excited about it, obviously, because I still had it on me. But apparently the knife was, like, loose. Like, the blade, you can, like, you know, like in an old movie with the gangsters, you know, they pop it out without really... So was it like a switch or? Release or something it was it was just a regular pocket knife that you kind of flip

And it I didn't know it was that loose. I learned that day. It was super sharp spanking you and Yeah, they like I remember being carried around a bunch of drunken people like scared out of their minds because you know there's there's a dude bleeding out in front of them and and I yeah after that I think like I sobered up quickly of course yeah and and they took me to the Airbnb that we got which was also in the middle of nowhere and yeah yeah, we didn't get a stitch or anything. I still have the scars.

It's pretty, it's a tiny little nick, but it was still. Oh, okay, so it wasn't like a deep like gash in your arm. Like you weren't bleeding out or anything. And I'm pretty sure Nick Devane, it left a big, big root on the whole arm. Gabriel was like some bleeding on the inside, of course. Gabriel, was the tuxedo a rental or did you own it? I almost rented one. I think I went to a cheap

suit shop. So you got your... okay good. But I mean, was the suit ruined? Like were there like stab holes through it? Or did you just roll with it? It has a big old hole. I told my mom I don't want to see it anymore, but she ended up just washing it. She was like, yeah, it's good to go. I was like, whatever. That's right. Your other cousin's getting married. Justin, remember, next time carry the knife on the other side so you can even it out.

Get an ankle hole skirt. All right, Gabriel, be careful. I don't carry knives yeah. All right, Gabriel. Amazing. Be careful. Yes. I don't carry knives anymore. All right, good, good. This brings up a point for me, which is I've always noted that a lot of these effed up stories involve alcohol. And we get the right to vote at 18,

and we get the right to drink at 21. So that gives us three years to use our best judgment. And then everything is alcohol and beef. We don to use our best judgment. And then everything is alcohol and beer. We don't use our best judgment. No, no, no, not at all. I just want to remind everybody, you're listening to the Andy Richter Call-in Show, live on Kona O'Brien Radio. I'm Andy.

I've got special guest Jose Arroyo here. We're talking about being fucked up in public. Our number is 855-266-2604. We are going next to Paige from Texas. Hi Paige. Hey guys. How are you? Good, good. Good, good. So I got to preface this one with a little thing that happened the year before it so you get the full picture. So there's a group of about seven to ten of us that are friends. We hang out, go drinking a lot, whatever, you know, no big deal. And I lived downtown like really close to where most of the bars were so everybody would meet up or kind

of end up at my house at the end of the night just kind of hanging out and doing whatever. Well, you know, I was 22, 23 at the time. And, you know, like any young gay kid, I got a crush on one of our straight friends, you know, want want big deal. But unfortunately, after a night of heavy drinking, we had all been walking back to my house. And I was not aware that he was behind me. And in my drunken state, I was singing at the top of my lungs an impromptu song I had made up about him sitting on my face. So I'm going at it for like two minutes before anybody just kind of like lets me know and like hey he's literally

like two feet behind you and so like I want to crawl into a hole and die even though I was drunken so he goes the next morning he goes don't worry about a dude he's like we're still friends is like you know not a big deal so year later so we're going out for my birthday we're all drunk we're all hammered it's you know it's a normal night at the bar and he kind of like I don't know after about a couple hours like looks at me and he's like, Hey, can I talk to you outside? And I was like, Oh shit, what do you know?

What is this going to be? And so we go outside and he goes, Hey, I just want you to know that we're, that we're cool. And like, I don't think like it's weird or anything that you're attracted to me is like, I just want us to be friends. And I was like, Oh, okay. Well, that's really nice. You know, whatever. thing that you're attracted to me is like I just want us to be friends and I was like oh okay that's really nice you know whatever and then he kind of looks at me and he goes do you want to see a picture of my dick? I was like what? I was like um you know the moral thing to do

was to me to say no but I was like you're drunk and I'm drunk and I think you're hot so I was like yeah hell yeah I do and so he's kind of laughed and we kind of talked for a few more minutes go back in I don't think anything else of it wait did he show it to you did he show it to you or did he just ask and then he kind of asked like it was like something that he was going to produce at a later time you hold the Polaroid and I'll pull my pants yeah and also I don't think, for you to say like the correct thing to do would be to deny it,

Paige, I don't think, I honestly, there isn't a lot of people in the world that if they said, and I'm straight-ish, but I mean, you know, I've got many years of heterosexuality to lean, to fall back on, but somebody says, you want to see a picture of my dick? I'm kind I'm kind of like yeah all right I'll look at your dick you know like why not you know right they're interesting so but anyway go ahead this is a romantic story I like these yeah I wish it was

all right he comes back from the bathroom about ten minutes later and he kind of like stands next to me and just kind of like stands next to me and just kind of just stands there awkwardly and doesn't say anything for a minute and I'm like hey what's up? And he just kind of like smiles and I'm like okay hey what's up dude what's going on? And he goes kind of whispers over and he's like check your phone and I was like what? And he's like check your phone and I was okay. So I opened my phone and there was a picture of his dick. And I was like, oh my God, you went into the bathroom

and took a picture of your dick. And I was like, that's kind of like nice or whatever that you followed through. But then, even in my drunk state, I looked down kind of in like the bottom left-hand corner of the picture and there is a second penis, a rogue penis, if you will. He, Wait, is he like at the urinal? He got photobombed by another penis? Yeah! How did that work? So apparently what had happened is in his drunken state he thought he was being

supportive by going into the bathroom and taking a picture of his dick. Sure. Well in so doing he wanted other people to support me and apparently he recruited some gentleman in the bathroom who was also drunk to get a mutual dick selfie if you will. And so he's telling me this story about how he's like he's like guys like I saw this other guy he's like he's like and I thought you would think he was cute too and I was like well I haven't seen his face yet, but you know, I mean, sure, sure. Good, good, good starters, I guess. And then I said, dude, that's kind of sweet, but weird.

And then he goes, oh, and one more thing too. And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, what, what else could it possibly be? And he's like, well, there were a bunch of guys in the bathroom. He was like, and I gave him all your phone number and told them to send you dick pics. I was like, are you shitting me? I was like, are you shitting me? And I was like, oh, I was like, dude, really? And unfortunately, if he did or whatever happened,

I never received any additional dick pics or whatever. But the next morning we wake up and we were kind of all at my house hanging out. And he just kind of looks at me and goes, dude, we're still cool, right? And I was like, yeah, dude, I guess. Yeah, what cool? You're the one showing me your dick.

Yeah. Him giving. Yeah, so I was like, well, I got one penis I liked, one penis I didn't know about, and apparently multiple penises have been waiting. That's a very- As far as the good evening goes, there's nothing worse than a straight guy

trying to do a gay guy a favor like that. Well, I think, you know, yeah, I mean, and I'm sure that, Paige, if you probably could have finagled that into something, because that is odd. That's, I mean, you know that like, there's a little bit of weirdness going on there.

But I just think it's funny, because it seems like a lot of straight men, we go from, because I'm in my late 80s. I'm 57 years old. And I mean, when I was young, the notion of somebody, of a man being attracted to you, was just, ugh, you know, like the notion of somebody, of a man being attracted to you was just a, oh, you know, you go into a panic over it.

But now it's like, now that it's sort of more, everyone's a little more cool with it, it seems like there are so many straight men that are just dying to be found attractive by a gay man. So it's- Yeah, it's like, like heteroflexible sort of, you know. Yeah, yeah. Or just like, don't you think I'm pretty?

You know, like, you know. Because yeah, because it is, and I'm sure, you were a safe space to say, to give him a thumbs up on his dick, I guess. Yeah, I was like, good for you. I was like, dude, I was like, I think you're attractive and all that, but I was like, I don't think a drunken song

and a dick pic is really a solid foundation to start a relationship with. You never know. It's a Hallmark movie waiting to happen. That's how I met. Yeah, exactly. All right, well thank you, Paige. Great story. Thanks, Paige. Thank you very much. All right, our next caller, calling from Denver, we got Evan. Evan, you there? How you doing? This is actually Evan's friend, Kaden Chitwood, and I wanted to say that my

uncle is trapped in space. Okay. What? Let me elaborate. Okay, yeah. Yeah, because you better get- This is effed up in public, not effed up in space. Right, right. But we'll give you the benefit.

Yeah. And you're already sounding fishy, so let's get this back on track. Alright, my apologies. So I was back home and my dad's from Tennessee and he was saying something about some dude he knows is in space and I was like, huh? And he's like, yeah, your uncle's in space. You can look it up, his name is Butch Wilmore. He was supposed to go for five days, but now he's in there for like three months. And they say that if he tries to come home on a broken shuttle, he'll be vaporized.

Wow. A guy named. Yeah, somebody's bringing him up on there right now. Astronauts Butch Wilmore and Sunita Williams are stuck in space. Ah, they're probably getting it on. Until February, 2025 apparently. Wow.

They won't be coming down. Okay, so anyway. That's your uncle? Yeah, it's on my dad's side though. We don't get along with that side though. Oh, I got you. I'm low key cool with it. Right, right.

I'm cool with it though, but if I was him, I'd wanna stay up in space, cause my aunt kind of a bitch. Okay. But I mean, is that the it? Is that the extent of the story? Yeah, but I mean, I was a LSU mascot and I'm a professional mascot and this is my kind of f'ed up in public story I was drinking the night before a football game and

I went out on the field to run the flag and I threw up in the suit. No Yeah, it was like seeping out of the mascot suit and then I had to walk back inside like covered and throw up And then our door was locked to change So I had to sit in the what like, covered in throw-up, and then our door was locked to change. So I had to sit in the, uh, what is it called, where they got the police security room? And I was just, like, sitting there, half-mascotted, half-off, and just covered in throw-up in the last four. Oh, no, no.

For those of us who don't know the LSU mascot... It's a tiger. It's a tiger. Yeah, Sean, can you bring up the LSU mascot? We just want to... It's a tiger? So you a tiger. Sean, can you bring up the LSU mascot? We just want to... It's a tiger? So you want a full-bored tiger? Is it one of those hot things where it's just like there's a little fan in you? Oh yeah, it's a furry tiger.

Yeah, it's a big furry tiger. Mike the tiger. It's 30 degrees hotter in the suit. Yikes. But I got the tattoo on my ass. You do? Okay. Nice. I hope that ages well. It's a tradition.

Yeah. I think it'll turn into a bulldog over time. Do you think you're the first one to puke in the LSU suit? I definitely had to clean his head after that. I had to use baking soda in the shower. Oh, wow. Now, do you think that people in the stands could tell? I think people at the very bottom,

like all the rich people that were sitting at the front. Yeah. Like if Theo Von was there, he probably saw. Sure. And, but they were so up the week after on the next game on the floor. I'm not gonna lie, they didn't clean anything up. Oh no.

I was worried about videos, like on Twitter or something, but I looked it up and there was no videos. Yes. I mean, you were worried about it. I think it was the administration. I don't didn't mean you were worried about it. But I think it was found by the administration. I don't think you would have been worried about it at all. I think you would be linking us to that video right now, if there was one.

What would be the worst thing? You have to turn in your head. Yeah, yeah. Give us your big head. At the bar. He was at the bar that night. Oh, wow. Yeah.

OK. Nice. I had a rally. Had a four loco. I'm sensing a theme in these fucked up stories of alcohol. Yes, okay. Nice. I had a rally, had a four loco. You know, I'm sensing a theme in these fucked up stories of alcohol. Yes, yes. It plays a big part.

All right, Evan, well thanks. I thought that meant like drunk. Yeah, no you're absolutely right. It means whatever, yeah, yeah. Absolutely right. Thank you, Evan. You got the assignment. Thank you so much, you guys have a blessed

and beautiful day. You too. Good luck to him. All right. Good luck to his uncle too. Up in space. Yeah, up in space. I don't know what that had to do. I mean maybe he thought that was fucked up in public as being... I wouldn't call that... That seems to be somewhat denigrating of the man's situation. Well I guess he's not supposed to be up there this long, so somebody messed up. He's just calling attention. Possibly vaporized. Well, I guess he's not supposed to be up there this long, so somebody messed up.

Yes. He's just calling attention. Possibly vaporized. You're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show. I got Jose Arroyo here, former Conan writer. And I have Andy Richter. Current cartoonist. He's got a book called Somewhere in L.A., a book of hours.

It's available now. Yeah, it's one page for every hour in LA and some of them are funny some are meditative there's just somewhere in LA this is happening at 3 in the afternoon somewhere in LA at 4 in the afternoon this is happening all right so it's like a picture poem all right I'll plug that again at the end oh don't worry oh Oh, I will worry. Who do we have next? Alex from Kansas, is that correct? Alex from Kansas.

Hi, Alex. Hey, thanks for having me on. I've got a story, but I just thought it was interesting, Jose and I are kindred spirits because I also have taken a nap and woken up to a loud cacophony around me echoing off the walls. and I just remember it was like it was in school and it was an empty room I was catching some sleep but

then I could hear the room over some people going what the heck was that so I appreciate that experience so my story actually to fit the theme a little bit differently from the last couple of folks this is me acting up in public not being f up in public on the other this one doesn't have any alcohol although i probably could use that on afterwards this is back when i was a student at the uh... school music up in nebraska and they had a program called generation jazz

uh... famously nebraska and jazz of course are not sure i mean people to up in Nebraska and they had a program called Generation Jazz, famously Nebraska and Jazz, of course. Sure, right, sure. People put together. Yeah, that Omaha sound. So this is a mentorship program and the idea was you would find folks who were about middle school age

who had either financial or social challenges, match them with a student at the university so they'd get private lessons and kind of a role model sort of a thing. Sounds great. And I was one such music student and so they matched kids up by instrument and stuff and some kids and some students ended up with one kid, I ended up with four super awesome kids, they all wanted to play saxophone. We met every single week for several months.

I would show up we would spend an hour uh... with each other and then the idea was at the end of this it would culminate in a big fancy dinner uh... that was held at sort of a performing arts center that does events and weddings and stuff on the side and so this event you know with about a hundred hundred fifty people there are rows and rows of

table with like fine linen and that they did that incandescent lights on a string with the fake plants and Peter had chicken with you know the sauce and that feels like the whole nine yards of a gala or you know event and the idea was you know after we had spent so much time with these kids that we would give them an event with a lot of pomp and circumstance they wouldn't otherwise recording in progress validate their time and and give them kind of an easy win as they get to perform their piece in front of their parents and friends. And so this was the idea to uplift and celebrate them as individual folks. So then

it was the way the event was set up then we would eat afterwards and we'd have a chance to play our pieces before the dinner. And eventually it was my turn. And what I had done is written a sort of a small piece for them and then the idea was the mentors would introduce the kids. And you know, I can tell the four kids are kind of nervous. They're middle schoolers, so that's sort of a permanent, how they permanently are.

Yeah, that's their stage. They're embarrassed, yes. Oh yeah, yeah. Well, and I wasn't that much older, so I still had some of that too, but I thought, well, I'll really butter them up. And so I get up to the podium to introduce them, and I'm saying stuff like,

these four kids are gonna be the future of our community, even if they don't know it yet. They're amazing musicians with great work ethic. And notably I said, my time with each of these four kids will be a positive memory that I will never forget. And then that comes into play just shortly here. I know where this is going. I end the introduction and so I say, you know, and now to play the short piece for Quartet,

here's Rebecca, Emily, Sam and… Oh. And my brain just completely freezes and I break out into a flop sweat, you know, and I'm only like a couple of years older than these kids, so I've never done a bunch of public speaking and I don't quite know what to do, so I'm just standing up there lettering, letting this this lingering silence sort of choke the room and I feel, you know, I'm sure it was fine, but I just feel all of this anxiety sort of running up from my stomach and the fourth kid is looking at you. I can feel the sweat. Oh yeah, well and I can feel the sweat running down the suit jackets. It's like three sizes too big because I'm 20 and never you know really bought the

clothes from myself before and all of that and you know I'm a I was a musician and was in the band and stuff and stood in front of the trumpets and the drums and everything so my hearing wasn't so great and while this silence is lingering the kids, the four of them, they're trying to whisper their kids name and in my head yeah they're trying to bail me out. Sure. In my head I'm like, Jar, Jor, something it was like Jay you know I'm just my brains turning and then I'm starting to kind of it's turning in on itself going like what are you idiot you you can't remember the name come on oh this is so embarrassing and my eyes catch them in the corner at first they were just

muttering under their breath but the one girl just turned to me and and said Trevor and I was so overwhelmed you know making an ass out of myself I didn't catch what she was saying I look at her like what she has to say it again and she says Trevor this time pretty loud you know looking right at me and oh yeah yeah Trevor well anyways and that's how I ended the speech. I counted them off and then had them play and that was my way to bail myself out of it. Did you apologize to Trevor afterwards? Yeah, yeah.

It was, yeah, that was a pretty good one. The lesson I took from that was that I never, whenever I have to speak or do anything, if the list is longer than one thing, I write it down. Write it down. No way. You will never forget that name again. Oh, I like, that's a, just forgetting somebody's name is, I live in fear of that because I'm terrible at it.

And the harder you chase the name, the more blank your brain goes. Yeah. It's, we've all been there, Alex. We've all been there. It was kind of funny because then a couple years later, Rick Perry famously did it on national television when he couldn't remember the third thing. He was kind of caught in that, you know,

me and Rick Perry now we're kindred spirits. So. Lucky you. All right, well, Alex, thanks so much for calling. Thanks, Alex. Thanks, guys. Next up we have Pablo calling from across the pond in England.

Pablo, you there? Hi Pablo. Hello, hello, hello Andy, hello, is it Jose? Yes, Jose, yes. Okay. Did that work out? Oh, that's much better. Thank you, thank you, yeah.

It was gonna be tough the other way. Yeah, it really did. Took off the ski mask. Yeah, it really did sound like you were talking through a speakerphone that was in a bucket of water. Yeah, well that probably wouldn't be very conducive to a conversation. It wouldn't. It wouldn't.

So you got Andy, you got Jose. Let us know. Tell us what's going on. What's your story here? Well, I mean, I'll take you back to 1994. I think Kirkebane had just, well, whatever has happened there, happened there. And yeah, I was 13 years old in Seaside Town in the northeast of England. And basically, a friend of ours basically had started having parties at his house because

his dad's, well, we're not too much detail here, his dad was away every weekend, which meant his house was completely free. Right. So we experimented with a bit of drinking and partying because he would be left alone with his two sisters and his two sisters were a little bit older than us so they would just go out and we would just have the house to ourselves. So obviously being 13 and with you know license and laws and what not

the only way to really get any alcohol for the evening was to raid the parents well it was cupboards but I suppose you call it a liquor cabinet. Sure. And yeah so the only had a vestibule of a soda stream bottle a plastic kind of like 1.5 litre soda stream bottle and basically just took a little bit from every bottle so filled vodka, gin, whiskey and because that was you know the kind of full extent of the hard liquor the only other things in there were the Mouffe and creme de menthe. Yes, yes. The sickly sweet stuff, okay.

Yeah, which is sickly in its own right, but then mixed in with all those other alcohols in one container. Yeah, not the best concoction. Well, how did you manage to choke it down? Because as a kid, like to drink that suicide cocktail, it had to not taste good to your 13-year-old palate. Well, I think it was kind of, you know,

in the Northeast of England, well, England in general, but the Northeast specifically, we kind of start the drinking quite young. Right. So I think it was kind of a expected thing, right, a passage type of thing. So I just assumed by that point that alcohol just didn't taste nice at all. Yeah. It was kind of an expected thing, right? A passage type of thing. So I just assumed by that point

that alcohol just didn't taste nice at all. So it was just a kind of literally pinch nose and take a couple of glugs and then give yourself a bit of a 10 minute rest bite. And then, you know, by the time you've almost forgot what it tasted like, you could go back to it. And, you know, after, you know, once the pallet has been, you know, liberally oiled after a a little while you don't quite notice as much.

I had a man at a liquor store say, well young man, are you drinking for flavor or for effect? It sounds, Pablo, like you were drinking for effect. Well I think the general logic was that unless you're drinking to get drunk, what's the point in drinking in the first place? You might as well just have pop or something. Yeah, exactly. So you guys are passing it around? No, no.

I mean, at the time, everybody would kind of have their own weapon of choice, really. I see. So most of us would go the route of cider. There was a particular one that was very popular at the time called White Lightning, which was essentially the cheapest strongest cider you would get it and you'd get it in like a three litre bottle. But I think at the time most of the other lads were on those or potentially those little stubby bottles of Belgian lager that were very cheap that had possibly been raided from

a parent's garage or something like that But yeah, I was the only one in by in this particular cocktail But I did offer out to a few other people but no girl seemed to be interested for some reason I don't know why um But yeah, so I just kind of like slowly made my way through it By the end of the night, which was kind of ended quite abruptly Which ended how? Well essentially we'd by this point I think we've been in the house and even not realizing

the benefit of you know having four walls to contain ourselves and we decided to go out and about and wander the streets. This is the public part of the F-Depth Envoe. Yes, this is the public part. You know I'm kind of like kind of tiptoeing over the boundary slightly, but it's still technically allowed, I would say, within the parameters of the show. But yeah, so effectively we all went out and at one point, I have flashing the images of it, but I was told afterwards that essentially I've got everybody in a circle and I went through every single one of my friends and

Effectively, you know with my 13 year old psychological psychology brain I decided that I was Effectively tell everybody exactly why they were brilliant to my friend But then also all their character flaws and everything that I didn't like about them And I just selectively just went around person by person. And you told them exactly what you thought of them, good and bad. Is that good and bad? And in some ways, I think it was, it was a benefit. I actually, you know, a friend of mine, you know, complimented me later saying that I kind of helped him out with a bad patch by it. But the majority of people kind of didn't like me for a long time after that.

I can imagine. They say in Vino Veritas, but gosh, it's scary. Well, that's it. And I think, and basically at that point, I kind of, you know, once I got around to the last person, I kind of said my farewells and just walked off into the distance on my lonesome on the idea of making my way home. And on route home, essentially stopped past every other house and like vomited in their front garden. Oh, yeah. Like all the way to a point where I was probably... You were getting everything out that night. Everything.

Yeah, everything was coming out. Millions and stomach contents. Deposits. Yes, yes. There was a general kind of splurging of every sense. And yeah, so I basically managed to get to a kind of like a shopping area, which has a kind of grassy verge on one side, I managed to get it, which was about 10 minutes from my home. So you know, I was quite proud of myself of getting that far, to be honest. And I just basically managed home so you know I was quite proud of myself of getting that far to be honest and I just basically managed to you know decide to lie down and and fall asleep on this grassy verge and yeah a group of 15 or

16 year old children came by and you know thankfully they were you know nice children and you know thinking back there were many things that you know I And thankfully they were nice children. And thinking back, there were many things that I probably would have done in their situation, which wouldn't have helped me in any way. But they were nice and they kind of got it out with me what I've been and what I've been doing. And they were kind enough to eventually finagle out

my dad's phone number and they called him up and the kind of the last images I remember are just kind of my eyes open and hearing a car park up and then closing and then hearing a car door shut and then eyes open again. My dad's a little bit further up the grass verge and just basically repeated to the point where I was kind of picked up and hurled into the back seat, drove back home and thrown into a cold shower. Yes, yes, yes. No time for that. But those 15 year olds who found you have probably been in your position. Yeah. And they were sympathetic.

Yeah, God bless those kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if anything, they were quite impressed with the, when I told them how old I was, that was, that got a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, how old I was, that was, that got a resounding. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you so much, Pablo. I hope your drinking these days is a little more controlled. Yes, I kind of more drink to get married rather than drink to get drunk now. That's good.

It's a lot more controlled. That's great. Wonderful. Well, thank you so much for calling in. Thank you, Andy. I'm just a big fan of your work. Around about that time in that period, that was when we were able to watch Conan on a random cable satellite channel

high up in the numbers. But was a big fan of yours and Conan's work from then until now. Thank you so much. Thanks, Pablo. All right. Well, we like to recap and say, do you have a favorite caller?

Do you think on this one? I do I want to also point out that it was an entirely men Call-in show right and I wonder about that. I wonder if there's self-consciousness or if there's can is there a difference in Whether or not men are more. I don't know. I could generalize dudes love me I think it's that simple maybe that's it I just do I certainly do exactly exactly yeah do you have a favorite I think I do and unfortunately it's the most scatological one it's the one of the guy the guy going to because it has a wedding in it yeah and it has well it's just the bachelor party well the bachelor party was later but there were nuptials involved. They were coming.

They were imminent. And the girlfriend advised him not to eat the tainted. Yeah, yeah. So it had a lot of, it had a beginning, a middle. Yeah, yeah. Well, I like the romantic one. The one with the dick pic. Oh yeah.

Yeah, that was my fave. Sure, sure. The page from Texas Calling. Exactly. Yeah, that was, it had just a lot of mystery. It did. It did. It kept unfolding.

That second penis in the picture. Yeah. Who? Wow. Why? Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it's good to know that if you're taking a dick pic in a public restroom, that there's

other men that would be there to back you up. A corps of volunteers. Yes, yes. All right. Well, Jose Arroyo, thank you so much. Your latest book is somewhere in LA, A Book of Hours. It's available now. Amazon, yes. Thank you. Thank you, Andy. This was hilarious. I'm glad you could do it. All right. Thanks again. All right. We'll see you next week on the Andy Richter Collins Show here on Conan O'Brien Radio. Bye-bye. Bye. next week on the Andy Richter Collins show here on Conan O'Brien radio. Bye bye!