The Three Questions with Andy Richter - José Arroyo: F'ed Up in Public (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

It's Andy and Dr. Arroyo himself! This week, we're looking back at Andy's August 2024 Call-In Show taping with Emmy Award-winning comedy writer and cartoonist José Arroyo to hear some "F'ed Up in Public" stories. In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories about dock jumps gone wrong, tainted biscuits and gravy, puking in a mascot costume, and a guy lost in space. Note: this episode was recorded on 8/21/2024. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  
This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Ah, yes. That public domain theme music can only mean one thing. It's time for the Andy Richard College show. That theme music is very similar to the theme music I wanted to use, but that would have cost money. Yes. So they came up with a version that is similar. And it's a hip little tune.

70s game show AI. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just, you know, like groovy cocktail, escavelli kind of, you know. Anyway, hi everybody. It's the call-in show, and we're live on Conan O'Brien Radio. And our topic today is effed up in public. I can say fucked up because we're on the radio now. We're not on Instagram, but we're talking fucked up in public.

And if you want to come on the Andy Richter Call-in Show, you can give us a call right now at 855-266-2404. And my guest host today is an old pal, an old co-worker. he's a two-time Emmy Award-winning comedy writer. Was that with the Conan show? Yeah, one of them was with Conan, yeah. And what was the other one? Dennis Miller, Live, the first year I ever started writing. Oh, I'm so sorry.

Well, you know. Things have changed. He's also an artist, cartoonist, been featured in the New Yorker, correct? Yes, thank you. A few times, yeah. Yeah. That's got to be like, let's like one of those little side things for every comedy person that's like a little dream come true.

Yes, yes. It was a feather in my cap. Yeah. Yeah. And beyond that, it's like, it's $12. I'm sure. You nailed it. But anyway, it's Jose Arroyo.

Hi. Hi there. And you're also Conan's physician. I am Dr. Arroyo as of April. You were in the very famous hot ones. That's right, with Sean Evans and Conan. Was that alarming to you what Conan did on that? Because it was alarming to me.

It was alarming. As someone that loves him, it was just like, just stop. Honey, you don't have to do that. But he does. I know. He's Chuck Yeager with comedy. I know. He has to push that.

I know. But as someone who loves him, it's like watching, you know, it's, to me, it took me right back to when we were on tour together. Yes. And at the end of the show, he would play guitar and run around and live out his rock star fantasy and stuff. And in a couple of these old theaters, he literally stood up on the edge of the balcony railing. Yes. Like with nothing between him and a 30 to 40 foot drop. and it infuriated me.

Because I just was like, it's a stunt that gets a pop from the crowd. Yes. But you are endangering yourself. And there are lots of people that would be really sad if you become a paraplegia. Exactly, exactly. I think he just senses, you know, his risk tolerance and goes there. But then it's always a much bigger risk than I would have taken. Oh, absolutely.

When we did a travel show in Berlin, he went to visit a dominatrix. and he had to, you know, strip down to his waist, he had to kept his pants on and stuff. But she started applying these devices and things on him. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, this guy will do anything, you know. And like hot wax being poured on him and all this stuff. And I go, you are, you know, going for the comedy far beyond the rest of us. Or he's twisted. Or he enjoys it.

And it can be both. Yeah, yeah. No, I just sometimes. Greg Daniels, his old, old friend and former writing partner, there was a profile of Conan. And the writer said something like, well, he really seems to have sort of calmed down. And he isn't like as intense about his comedy as he used to be. And Greg said, the man just drank a bottle of hot sauce. And I was like, that is perfect.

He drank it. He poured it on his nipples. He was just out of control. He asked me two weeks. before he was supposed to do it. He said, you know, nobody's ever brought a guest on, and I was thinking maybe you could play the part of my doctor where you would be checking my vitals

to make sure that I was okay with all these hot sauces. And then I just had to turn around and sort of get into a doctor's mode. Right. I had played doctors and officials and stuff as sketches on the show. You always got all the official jobs. It's the glasses. It's the glasses. It's the glasses and the earnest look.

And the terror right behind the eyes. Yeah. But yeah, and so we wound up doing it, and it was successful I got. Recognized that a traitor Joe's. I can't tell you. Damn. I bet that just the tail that you're getting faced off a doctor oil. Wear the lab coat for me, please.

Well, now, we're talking aft up in public. And we were looking at it as either inebriated or making a huge mistake in public. Tubmaning, if you will. Jeffrey, reference to Jeffrey Tubin, who was on a Zoom call. Who was jerking it on a Zoom call. Everyone knows.

It's in the OED now. It's an action verb. Now, you had a story about something that involved a bit you wrote for me. Yes, which was, so talking about effing up in public. Some years back,

this Fox TV show host, a guy named Britt Hume, posted a screen grab of his computer to make some point on Twitter. And in it, there was an open tab that you could see right behind what he was showing you. It said sexy vinyl vixen. And he got a lot of flack for it because he was sort of a family values guy. Right, right.

No, he's a fucking asshole. Well, okay, so your words. Yeah, yeah. But then it inspired me to write a sketch for you and Conan where Conan comments on the story. And then you said, yeah, and I actually looked up sexy vinyl vixons. and here's what it was. And we show a screen grab with your computer, and you have tabs that say,

Young and Hung, fill my butt, and backdoor cock, as well as like ESPN. Sure. And then, you know, Conan's outraged to Andy, look at your tabs. And you get offended. You're like, Billy, open up Young and Hung. And Young and Hung was a law firm that you had a property dispute and you wanted the law firm to take care of it.

But then, you know, you were, and then fill my butt. Well, the tab got cut off. It was fill my butter receptacle from my popcorn machine. I lost the instructions. Fill my butt. And then the final one was, Conan goes, yeah, I suppose backdoor cock is about some guy who built a pet door for his prized rooster. And you're like, exactly. And we cut to it.

And there's a man holding a rooster. There's a pet door. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, well, Andy, I, I don't. know what to say and you just played it so well like how about i'm sorry and then he goes well wait wait there's ESPN and then you're like uh sports and he goes well you're not into sports and we show that innocuous tab and it says extra small penis neckties and you've got you've got two little neckties on your thumbs up yeah and and then you just said you ad-lib I go to a lot of

Normal events. So that's an example. We said cock? We showed the word cock, and I guess because it was related to rooster, which it was. We could hold, you know, the man's holding up a rooster. I think that's how we got away with it. Even before we did the reveal, we could say backdoor cock. On the tab.

Wow. It was right there. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Do you have any of the other kind? Personal ones? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Not alcohol related, but messed up. in ways that I, you know how when you're just walking around and suddenly you violently cringe at a memory? Yeah, yeah. So as a performer, I'm a comedy writer, I've done a lot of stuff. I've eaten it on stage. I've done stand-up. One time I was in New Brunswick, I was doing a stand-up show,

20 minutes, opening act, great. And it went very well. That kind of, you know, laughs and applause and stuff. And then I walk away. and the person at the end of the audience is going, the headliner isn't here, go back and fill in the time. And it drained me because I just began, for the next 10 minutes, I was bombing.

I just had half-thought material and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I felt like all the energy had been sapped out of me. And I just, I drove home shaking. It's like this, I ate at that. But that's not even the most embarrassing worst F-Up in public. the story I came into the studio with happened to be in college. I was a pre-med major.

Before I found my true calling, which was writing and comedy and stuff, I was trying to impress, I don't know, my parents or myself or something. And I was failing out of Cornell as a pre-med major. I just had no aptitude for the science or anything like that. So I remember being very drowsy, having stayed up late, hating my life. and I go to a lecture, and it was one of those 200-seat lectures. And the guy's droning on down at the bottom of the lecture hall, and I just get very drowsy.

And I fall asleep, and I woke up to the sound of myself farting. It was a disaster. And it wasn't one of those pinched the balloon. It was one of those that make a word, like, propeller. I woke up to propeller, you know, and I look and I wake up, of course, and everybody's staring at me and it was the most embarrassing thing. To this day, that's, and I haven't farted since. That's how bad. That's how bad it was.

It really worked out for the best. Exactly. For you and for everyone. Yes. Oh, my God. There it is. And did the, do you think the professor know, was it loud enough? It was, I think there was a radius of audibility, but I don't think it went down to the professor.

professor. He certainly didn't comment on it. It didn't interrupt his lecture. Well, good for that. Thanks. Thank goodness. No, science was saved. Wow. All right. Well, we're going to turn it to the callers here. Yeah. Yeah. That's the low bar. You couldn't messed up bar. I mean, come on. It's just a fart. I only think about it every other day. Every other day. Yeah. Yeah, no. Oh, I get it. Okay. Well, this is the Andy Richter Collin show. Conan Channel. Connor. Conner's calling in from Philly. Hey. You're there, Connor. How's it going, guys? Hey, there. You got Andy. You got Jose. Let us know about your fucked up story, man. So at first, I was really wasn't sure what the assignment was, so I decided to hedge my bets and went for effed up in like the drunk,

messed up sense. And then, oh, that guy really messed up just now. Kind of fun. Yeah. Anything you want. Honestly, we just have an hour to fill. And if it's funny and good, we don't care. And if it involves you being humiliated or someone being humiliated, that's really the hallmark of this show. It's someone, not myself. Good. Oh, man, but it kind of ties back in what you guys are talking about earlier about endangering yourself.

So the backstory is if you're between the ages of 18 and 25 in the greater Philadelphia area, you probably already know about a bar called Morgan's Pier. Right off of the, off of Delaware Avenue and is right on the water, which is key with this story. So a few years back prior to COVID, a couple friends of mine decided to, you know, go there, hang out with the young people, get to know them around 11 p.m. In that time, there's usually a pretty long line. So we, you know, wait in that 20-minute line to decide, hey, you know, we want some drinks. Let's go in. So right as we get up and we're standing in line, you know, waiting just to get in, we see a few guys just immediately get kicked out of the bar. They're

clearly pretty wasted. Didn't belong there. The bouncer just kicks them right out. And we see them walking by us, but they make a little bit of a turn. So the thing about this bar is it's right on the water. And along the water, there's this, like, concrete path that leads to a bunch of different docks, which, you know, have, like, small boats there. And, you know, people, you know, can dock there, go up into the bar, go back, et cetera.

So these guys climb over the very small fence to access this dock. Climbing over is a verb that comes up a lot in fucked up stories. Climbing over a fence. Yeah, it's like the entree. Right. The hepatizer into the main course of embarrassment. It was a low fence and with the condition that they were in, we were just as shocked speed they got over. But as they climb over, they realized, oh, hey.

The docks are pretty, you know, shortly spaced apart. So I want to say they were about like three feet apart with like a little bit of distance for the boat to get in than three feet. So one of the guys in the groups starts to jump like run alongside and jump between the docks, run back, jump again, run back. And we're all witnessing this from the line going in. And we already know what's going to happen. We're just waiting for it to happen.

So about on the at the third or fourth dock where he goes to do that, he trips the bottom half of his body goes into the water. The top half lands on top of the dock. He hits his head and then he just sinks into the water. And it's about three foot drop into the water. I think it might have been low tide. But we, you can just tell it was one of those moments where he really upped up because the whole crowd was watching. And whenever you hear that, oh, yeah, that's what you know. Wow.

Well, I mean, was he at risk of drowning? No, like, he was, as soon as he went in, it just kind of was a shock to the system, whether it was the cold water or the nasty fluids that exist within the Delaware. Yeah, yeah. But he was able to just get himself up to surface. He had to swim about five meters out into the water just to get to a ladder and get back up. But it was one of those things that, you know, it happens. Someone effed up and you just can't forget it.

Wow. And you can talk to strangers in line about it. Yeah, exactly. That's one of those things where a tragedy allows you to turn. Do you see that? Remember that? Yeah. And I was new to the city too, so just being able to talk to somebody at the time.

Yes, right. Actually, it's an icebreaker in a way. Thank God for that guy. Yeah. What a selfless individual. All right, Kyle. Thanks so much for, is that it? Is that no further?

The guy didn't have a, no ambulance is called or anything? Well, the epilogue to that is there's Dave and Busters right next door and we got splashed at the Dave and Busters. Oh, nice. There you will. Dave and Busters. Oh, I hope those guys never split up. Okay, Cotter, thanks for calling.

Thanks for the call, Connor. Thanks, Andy. Thanks, David. Thank you. You know what? He just reminded, because I was thinking like, do I really have? Because, I mean, I certainly have been fucked up a lot, but I don't remember any But his little story there just reminded me of a time in Chicago when I was out of college doing improv and me and a bunch of people, Tommy Blatchettcher was one of them.

There were, I think, four of us. We went down to the lakefront and there was a bottle of Jim Bean being passed around. And at some point somebody decided let's take off all our clothes and go sit down close to the water line. but it's in, it's big slab boulders, like big cubes of rock that are like really slippery, you know, so once you get down there, so everybody did, and we're down there. And I, like I say, this is all vague recollection is this, but definitely having a vague recollection of feeling like if I slip, I could easily like gash open my scrotum or something on these sharp, slippery rocks. But while we're all sitting down there naked, a flashlight hits us. Oh, no. And it's Chicago cops.

Like, come on, everybody. Get up here. Get up here. What the fuck are you guys doing down there? And so we get up. And they were in a cruiser. Like, it's like, it's in the park, but they're driving through the park. Yeah.

And so we're all like getting our clothes on. And my friend Paula was in there. And she, as we're getting dressed, she's all saucy. And she goes like, oh, why don't you just shine your line on my tits? And the cop was like, all right. And did. And, but then we. So we got dressed and they just let us go.

Oh, sure. And we were walking back and from the part, I forgot after the cops. I lost it. I, you know, just in terms of my memory, I apparently went to sleep on my feet. We were by Wrigley Field, which is like 20 minutes of walking. And all of a sudden, like, I came to on my feet. And there's this, like, really dicey guy walking. with us and I was just like, where the fuck is going on?

What is happening? We picked up a traveler. Yeah, we picked up a pal. But I was completely blacked out. Yeah, yeah. Just a mess. And then the next day, the bunch of people stayed at our apartment and I threw up the night before and when I was, I said, I said to everybody, hey, I said, did you guys hear me

throwing up last night? And Tommy Blachio, who's my roommate, said, no, we didn't, we didn't hear you throw up, but we did hear Jackie Gleason throwing up. Oh, no. So, yeah. So it was apparently a very theatrical. Very, yes. Yeah.

All right, we got another caller coming in here. We got Roger calling from Los Angeles, the finest town. L.A., she's my lady. Hey, Roger. Hi, how you guys doing? Good. You got Jose, you got Andy. Tell us your story.

I shit my pants on my bathroom party weekend a couple times, actually. Nice. A couple of time. You shit your pants more than once during the back. bachelor party? More than once. Oh, yeah, more than once. Did this show, were you worried about getting married? Like, was this like cold feet at the altar?

No. Warm bottom? No, this was me not listening to my wife. Oh. The morning of my bachelor party, the Friday morning, we went out to breakfast at my favorite spot. And I ordered food. My wife said, you know that?

I got biscuits and gravy. My wife said, that doesn't smell right. And I said, whatever. And I ate it anyway. You ate tainted biscuits and gravy. Yeah, tainted biscuits and gravy. So we went to the Costco. It started there.

I let a fart out that was so loud that even the Costco employees who heard outside the bathroom, like, what the hell is that noise? So then we jumped in the van. We started headed to Vegas. We stopped in Baker. I had diarrhea there. It was pretty bad. And then I'm like, oh, God, I'd open up food poisoning for my bachelor party weekend.

So then we made it to prim, and we stopped and we had to get gas. So I got a lick because it put gas in the van. And I'm sitting there and I'm like, uh-oh. Oh, God, I feel some pressure. And sure enough, I just, I shit my pants right there putting gas in the car. And I knew it wasn't good. In prim of all places. In prim of all places.

It was nice and hot. Yes. So I started to waddle towards the flying jay that we were at. And my friend got out of the van and said, hey, Roger, you shit your pants? I'm like, Brent, dude, just leave it. He's like, you get your pants, so I'm like waddling in. Leave a guy a little bit of elegance, you know. Yeah, leave me some dignity, man.

Yeah. And I waddled into the bathroom. I took my underwear off. It was done. I threw my underwear in the trash. I cleaned up as best I could. Jump back into the van. I have a wedding to attend.

I must not keep my bride. waiting. Yes. Go on. So, yeah, we went in and that, I just, I had the runs that whole night. We were walking around. Their friends were like, oh, we should go out and go drinking. I'm like, I don't know if I should

be drinking guys. And my friend's like, here, drink this bottle of petavismo. And I thought he meant to drink the whole thing, so I just pounded a whole Oh, okay. Oh, boy. That didn't help. So we're walking around the strip, and I just kept having to stop wherever there was a bathroom to use the bathroom. And one of the couple times

I had a little bit of an incident again. And we ended up, they ended up staying out. I went back to the hotel room and just passed out. And then in the morning, they're like, well, what do you want to do? And I said, I'll tell you, we'll go to the real buffet. And if I can make it through the real buffet for more than an hour without shooting my pants, then I think we're in good shape. So we did that, and I was okay.

Oh, right. For about a couple hours, but it got better. The second day we were there, I was okay. My stomach recovered. So all wasn't lost. But my favorite part is that we were on the way back. And as we're driving through a pin, my friend Richard said, wouldn't it be funny if someone let the Yelp review saying that they found shitty,

nowhere in the trash? And I said, well, hold on a second. I went up on my Yelp account and wrote, to the Flying J, I wrote, Great Place to Shit Your Pants. And I wrote a Yelp review about me shitting my pants at the Flying J. How many stars did you give yourself? I gave myself two stars.

Okay. I gave myself four stars. Because I said it was a great place to shit your pants. I left my shitty undies in the trash. This place is pretty clean. And then I had a second account because the job I had at the time, the owner of the company I worked for had me leave shitty yelp reviews for competitors. So I had a second yelp account.

So I wrote in that yelp account, I wrote, this place is terrible. I went into the bathroom to use it and found someone shitty undies in the trash can. But I got some good Doritos for the drive home. Roger, this is very important for me. are you still married? Yes. Oh, congratulations.

All right. It sounds like you're an understanding person. That's great. I am not allowed to poop at home, though. That is a rule that we have now. Wow. Well, once bitten, twice shot. Yeah, yeah.

Did she gloat about I told you so about the tainted biscuits and gravy? Oh, yeah. No, to this day, she still reminds me about the biscuits and gravy. Because I told you they smell bad. So I hear about that whenever biscuits and gravy are brought up. Nice. All right. Well, thanks, Roger.

Be careful of those biscuits and gravy. That's great. Thanks for the call. Yeah, I'm a little more careful. I smell it before I eat it now. Nice job. You've learned something. All right, going to Gabriel from San Diego.

Hey, Gabriel. Hey, yes. I went to a wedding. It's like right outside of L.A. For one of my cousins. It's a nice little like Asienda looking thing. It was like a little of nowhere. honestly. I remember we were driving for hours just to get to this place, but of course,

it was with the son of the family we don't really go with, but they are heavy drinkers, and they apparently were feeding me drinks and shots like the whole night. Yeah, yeah. Apparently. That's a good sign. Apparently, I mean, I don't remember, obviously, but they fed me shot after shot, and then the champagne came out. No one liked it. Only I did, so I drank it at the table. Wow.

And how old are you at this point? This was a couple years ago, like right out of COVID. I don't even know how old I. I think I was like 24, 25. Oh, okay. So it wasn't like they were doing this to a 17-year-old or something. Oh, no, no. I mean, they probably would know my family.

Right. No, no. All right. But earlier, this is part of the story. story earlier in the day when we took pictures they asked us to take stuff out of our pants because they didn't want to your bulges or something i don't know yeah nice flat pants yeah i had a pocket knife on me for some reason and i was like yeah i'll just put it in my my my coat jacket like the little pocket and the the jacket and uh i left it in there and um and uh i was uh dancing with my cousin

who is the brother of the of the of the groom and we were doing like little little dances on the dance floor and I think we did that thing like in Titanic with like Jack and or they're like you know they're spinning around each other's hands

and I fell and we both fell and when I fell I slapped my like my right hand slapped my left shoulder and I thought nothing of it and I got up and I walked over to my brother

and as I was walking over I was like I was like, you know, feeling my hand. I was like, it's getting real sticky for some reason. And, yeah, I stabbed myself through, through my sleeve and everything, like, in my arm. So the knife was open in your jacket pocket. Like it was, the blade was exposed in some way.

Yeah, so I guess it was a brand new pocket knife. I was very excited about it, obviously, because I still had it on me. But apparently the knife was, like, loose. like the blade you can like you know like in like an old movie with the gangsters you know they pop it out without really yeah so was it like a switchblade or a flip out kind of or did it have like a thumb release or something it was it was just a regular pocket knife that you kind of flip open I mean and it I didn't know it was that loose and I learned that day but it was super sharp brand spanking you oh my gosh and yeah they like

I remember being carried around a bunch of drunken people like scared out of their minds because there's a dude bleeding out in front of them. And, and I, yeah, after that, I think, like, I sobered up quickly, of course. Yeah. And they took me to the Airbnb that we got, which was also in the middle of nowhere. And, yeah, we didn't get a stitch or anything. I still have the scar. It's a tiny little nick, but it was still.

Oh, okay. So it wasn't like a deep, like, gash in your arm. Like, you weren't bleeding out or anything. I'm pretty sure Nick the Vane It left the big, big root On the whole arm Gabriel was like some bleeding on the inside of course Gabriel was the tuxedo a rental

Or did you own it I almost rented one I think I went to a cheap suit shop So you didn't you got your depot okay good good But I mean but it was the suit ruined Like were there like stab holes to it Or did you just roll with it? It was it has a big old hole

I told my mom I don't want to see it anymore, but she ended up just washing it. She was like, yeah, it's good to go. I was like, oh, whatever. That's right. Your other cousins getting married. Just remember next time, carry the knife on the other side so you can even it out.

Get an ankle hole story. All right, Gabriel. Amazing. Be careful. Yes. I don't carry knives anymore. All right, good, good. This brings up a point for me, which is

I've always noted that a lot of these F-D-D stories involve alcohol and we get the right to vote at 18 and we get the right to drink at 21. Right. So that gives us three years to use our best judgment. And then everything is alcohol and news. We don't use our best judgment. No, no, no, not at all. I just want to remind everybody, you're listening to the Andy Richter-Callon show live on Conor O'Brien Radio.

I'm Andy. I've got special guest Jose Arroyo here. We're talking about being fucked up in public. Our number is 855-266-2604. We are going next to Paige from Texas. Hi, Paige. Hey, guys. How are you doing?

Good, good. Good, good. So I got to preface this one with a little thing that happened the year before it, so you get the full picture. So there's a group of about seven to ten of us that are friends. We hang out with drinking a lot, whatever, you know, no big deal. And I lived downtown, like, really close to where most of the bars were. So everybody would meet up or kind of end up at my house at the end of the night.

Just kind of hanging out and doing whatever. Well, you know, I was 22, 23 at the time. And, you know, like any young gay kid, I got a crush on one of our straight friends, you know, wot, want, big deal. But unfortunately, after a night of heavy drinking, we'd all been walking back to my house. and I was not aware that he was behind me, and in my drunken state, I was singing at the top of my lungs an impromptu song I had made up about him sitting on my face.

Oh, no. So I'm going at it for like two minutes before anybody just kind of like lets me know. He's like, hey, he's literally like two feet behind you. And so like I want to crawl into a hole and die, even though I was drunken. So he goes, the next morning he goes, don't worry about a dude.

He's like, we're still friends. It's like, you know, not a big deal. So year later or so, we're going out for my birthday. We're all drunk. We're all hammered. It's, you know, it's a normal night at the bar. And he kind of like, I don't know, after about a couple hours, like, looks at me. And he's like, hey, can I talk to you outside?

And I was like, oh, shit. What are, you know, what is this going to be? And so we go outside and he goes, hey, I just want you to know that we're cool. and like that I don't think like it's weird or anything that you're attracted to me is like I just want us to be friends and I was like oh okay well that's really nice you know whatever and then he kind of looks at me and he goes do you want to see a picture of my dick? And I was like, what? I was like, you know, the moral thing to do was to be to say no, but I was like, you're drunk and I'm drunk and I think you're hot. So I was like, yeah, hell yeah, I do. And so he just kind of laughed and we kind of talked for a few minutes, go back in.

I don't think anything else of it. Wait, did he show it to you? Did he show it to you? Or did he just ask and then? He kind of asked like it was like something that he was going to produce at a later time or whatever. What a fucking tease. You hold the Polaroid and I'll pull my pants. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe it was. And also, I don't think, for you to say like that, like the correct thing to do would be to deny it. Page, I don't think, I honestly, there isn't a lot of people in the world that if they said, and I'm straight, ish. But I mean, I'm, you know, I mean, you know, I've got a, I've got many years of heterosexuality to lean to fall back on. But somebody says you want to see a picture of my dick. I'm kind of like, yeah, all right. I'll look at your dick. You know, like, why not?

Right. They're interesting. So, but anyway, go ahead. This is a romantic story. I like these. Yeah. I wish it was. Oh, darn it. All right, we're at the bar. He comes back from the bathroom about 10 minutes later, and he kind of like stands next to me and just kind of just stands there awkwardly and doesn't say anything for a minute. And I'm like, hey, what's up? And he just kind of like smiles and I'm like, okay, hey, what's up, dude?

What's going on? And he goes, kind of whispers over and he's like, check your phone. And I was like, what? And he's like, check your phone. And I was like, okay. So I opened my phone and there was a picture of his. dick and I was like, oh my God, you went into the bathroom and took a picture of your dick, and I was like, that's kind of like nice or whatever that you followed through.

But then, even in my drunk state, I looked down kind of in the, like, the bottom left-hand corner of the picture, and there is a second penis, a rogue penis, if you will. Wait, is he like at the urinal? He got photo bombed by another penis? Yeah. How did that work? So, apparently, what had happened is in his drunken state, he thought he was, he was being supportive by going into the bathroom and taking a picture of his dick.

Sure. Well, in so doing, he wanted other people to support me. And apparently he recruited some gentleman in the bathroom who was also drunk to get a mutual dick selfie, if you will. And so he's telling me this story about how he's like, he's like, guys, like, I saw this other guy. He's like, and I thought you would think he was cute too. And I was like, well, I haven't seen his face yet. But, you know, I mean, sure, sure. Good, good starters, I guess.

And then I said, dude, I was like, that's kind of sweet but weird. And then he goes, oh, and one more thing to it. And I was like, oh, Jesus Christ, what else could it possibly be? And he's like, well, there were a bunch of guys in the bathroom. He's like, and I gave him all your phone number and told them to send you dick. Oh, no. Are you shitting me? I was like, are you shitting me?

And I was like, oh, I was like, dude, really? and fortunately if he did or whatever happened, I never received any additional dick fix, whatever. But the next morning we wake up and we were kind of all at my house hanging out. And he just kind of looks at me and goes, dude, we're still cool, right? And I was like, yeah, dude, I guess. Yeah, what cool. You're the one showing me your dick.

Yeah. Him giving. Yeah. So I was like, well, I got one penis I liked, one penis I didn't know about. Apparently multiple penises and waiting, you know. That's a very, as far as a good evening goes. There's nothing worse than a straight guy trying to do a gay guy a favor. Well, I think, you know, yeah, I mean, because I'm sure that Paige, if you probably could have finagle that into something because there's, that is odd.

That's, I mean, you know that like there's a little bit of weirdness going on there. But I just think it's too, it's funny because it seems like a lot of straight men, like we go from, because I'm. I'm in my late 80s. I'm 57 years old. And I mean, when I was young, like the notion of somebody of a man being attracted to you was just a, oh, you know, you go into a panic over it. But now it's like, now that it's sort of more, everyone's a little more cool with it, there are, it seems like there are so many straight men that are just dying to be found attractive by a gay man. So. Yeah, it's like, like, heteroflexible sort of.

Yeah, yeah. Or just like, don't you. think I'm pretty? You know, like, you know. Because, yeah, because it is, and I'm sure you were a safe space to say, to give him a thumbs up on his dick, I guess. Right. Yeah, I was like, good for you.

I was like, dude, I was like, I think you're attractive and all that. But I was like, I don't think a drunken song and a dick thick is really a solid foundation to start a relationship. You never know. It gets a Hallmark movie. That's how I met. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

All right. Well, thank you, Paige. Great story. Thanks, Paige. Thank you very much. All right, our next caller, calling from Denver. We got Evan. Evan, you there? How you doing? This is actually Evan's friend, Caden Chitwood, and I wanted to say that my uncle is trapped in space. What?

Let me elaborate. Okay, yeah. Yeah, because you better get... This is effed up in public, not effed up in space. Right, right. We'll give you the benefit. Yeah. And you're already sounding fishy, so let's get the... let's get this back on track. All right, my apologies.

So I was back home, and my dad's from Tennessee, and he was saying something about some dude he knows is in space. And I was like, huh? And he's like, yeah, your uncle's in space. You can look at him. His name is Butch Wilmore. He is supposed to go for five days, but now he's in there for like three months.

And they say that if he tries to come home on a broken shuttle, he'll be vaporized. Wow. A guy named. Yeah, somebody's bringing him up on there, right? After that's Bush Willmore. Wilmore and Sanita Williams are stuck in space. Ah, they're probably getting it on. Until February 2025, apparently.

Wow. They won't be coming down. Okay, so anyway. That's your uncle? Yeah, it's on my dad's side, though. We don't get along with that side, though. Oh, I got you. I'm looking cool with it.

Right, right. I'm cool with it, though. But if I was him, I'd want to stay up in space because my aunt kind of a bitch. Okay. But, I mean, is that the it? Is that the extent of the story? Yeah, but, I mean, I'm. I was an LSU mascot and a professional mascot, and this is my kind of effed up in public story.

Okay. I was drinking the night before a football game, and I went out on the field to run the flag, and I threw up in the suit. No. Yeah, it was like seeping out of the mascot suit, and then I had to walk back inside, like, covered and throw up, and then our door was locked to change. So I had to sit in the, what is it called where they got the police security room, and I was just like sitting there half mascot at half off and just covered in my own.

Oh, no, no. For those of us who don't know the LSU mascot. It's a tiger. It's a tiger. Yeah, Sean, can you bring up the LSU mascot? We just want to. It's a tiger? So you were in a full board tiger?

Was it a, is it one of those hot things where it's just like there's a little fan of you? Yeah, it's a furry tiger. Yeah, it's a big furry tiger. Mike the tiger. It's 30 degrees hotter in the suit. Yikes. I got the tattoo on my ass. You do? Okay.

Nice. I hope that age as well. It's a tradition. Yeah. It'll turn into a bulldog over time. Do you think you're the first one to puke in the LSU suit? I definitely had to clean his head after that. I'd use baking soda in the shower.

Oh, wow. Now, do you think that people in the stands could tell? I think people at the very bottom, like all the rich people that were sitting at the front. Yeah. Like if Theo Vaughn was there, he probably saw. Sure. And, but there was throw up the week after on the next game on the floor. I'm not going to lie, they didn't clean anything up.

Oh, no. Oh. But I was worried about videos, like, on Twitter or something. Sure. But I looked up and there was no videos. Yes. What do you mean you were worried about it? I don't think you would have been worried about it at all.

I think you would be linking us to that video right now if there was one. What would be the worst thing? I went to turn in your head. Yeah, yeah. Give me your big head. At the bar left. He was at the bar that night. Oh, well.

Wow. Yeah. Okay. Nice. Had a Raleigh. Had a four loco. You know, I'm sensing a theme in these fucked up stories of alcohol. Yes, yes.

It plays a big part. All right, Evan. I thought that's not like drunk. Yeah, yeah. It's absolutely right. It's absolutely right. Thank you, Evan. You got the assignment.

Thank you so much. You guys have a blessed and beautiful day. You too. Good luck to me. All right. Good luck to his uncle, too. I'm in space. Yeah, I'm in space.

I don't know what that had to do. I mean, maybe he thought that was fucked up in public as being, I wouldn't call that. That seems to be, you know, somewhat denigrating of the man's situation, you know. Well, I guess he's not supposed to be up there this long, so somebody messed up. Yes. He's just calling attention. Possibly vaporized. You're listening to the Andy Richter Call-in Show. I got Jose Oroyo here, former Conan Ryder.

And I have Andy Richter. current cartoonist. He's got a book called Somewhere in L.A., a book of hours. It's available now. It's a cartoon. It's one page for every hour in L.A. And some of them are funny. Some are meditated. There's just somewhere in L.A., this is happening at three in the afternoon. Somewhere in L.A. at four in the afternoon, this is happening and so on. So it's like a picture poem.

All right. I'll plug that again at the end. Oh, don't worry. Oh, I will worry. Who do we have next? Alex from Kansas. Is that correct? Alex from Kansas. Hi, Alex. Hey, thanks for having me on. I've got a story, but I just thought it was interesting.

Jose and I are kindred spirits because I also have taken a nap and woken up to a loud catapony around me, echoing off the walls. And I just remember it was like it was in school and it was an empty room. I was catching some sleep, but then I could hear the room over some people going, what the heck was that? So I appreciate that experience. So my story actually, to fit the theme a little bit differently from the last couple of folks, this is me effing up in public, not being effed up in public.

Okay, love it. This one doesn't have any alcohol, although I probably could have used it afterwards. So this is back when I was a student at the school music up in Nebraska, and they had a program called Generation Jazz, famously Nebraska. and jazz, of course. Sure. Right, sure. People took together.

Yeah, that Omaha sound. So this is a mentorship program, and the idea was you would find folks who were about middle school age who had either financial or social challenges, matched them with a student at the university so they'd get private lessons and kind of a role model sort of a thing. Sounds great. And I was one such music student, and so they matched kids up by instrument and stuff, and some kids and some students ended up with one kid. I ended up with four. Super awesome kids. They all wanted to play saxophone. We met every single week for several months. I would show up. We would

spend an hour with each other. And then the idea was at the end of this, it would culminate in a big fancy dinner that was held at sort of a performing arts center that does events and weddings and stuff on the side. And so this event, you know, was about 100, 150 people. There rows and rows of table with like fine linen. They did the incandescent lights on a string with the fake plants and theater had chicken with, you know, the sauce and match theater. It was like the whole nine yards of a gala, you know, event. And the idea was, you know, after we had spent so much time with these kids that we would

give them an event with a lot of pomp and circumstance, they wouldn't otherwise experience, validate their time and give them kind of an easy win as they'd get to perform their piece in front of their parents and friends and, and, and, so. So this was the idea to uplift and celebrate them as individual folks. So then it was the way the event was set up, then we would eat afterwards, and we'd have a chance to play our pieces before the dinner. And eventually it was my turn. And what I had done is written a sort of a small piece for them,

and then the idea was the mentors would introduce the kids. and, you know, I can tell the four kids are kind of nervous. They're middle schoolers, so that's sort of a permanent, how they permanently are. Yeah, that's their stage. I'm embarrassed, yes. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, and I wasn't that much older, so I still had some of that, too. But I thought, well, you know, I'll really butter them up.

And so I get up to the podium to introduce them, and I'm saying stuff like, you know, these four kids are going to be the future of our community, even if they don't know it yet. They're amazing musicians with great work ethic. and notably I said, my time with each of these four kids will be a positive memory that I will never forget. And then that comes into play just shortly here. I know where this is going. I end the introduction, and so I say, you know, and now to play the short piece for quartet, here's Rebecca, Emily, Sam, and... Oh.

And my brain just completely freezes, and I break out into a flop sweat, you know, and I'm only like a couple years older than these kids, so I've never done a bunch of public speaking. And I don't quite know what to do, so I'm just standing up there, letting this lingering silence sort of choke the room. And I feel, you know, I'm sure it was fine, but I just feel all of this anxiety sort of running up from my stomach. And the fourth kid is looking at you. the sweat. Oh, yeah. Well, and I can feel the sweat running down the suit jackets. It's like three sizes too big because I'm 20 and never, you know, really bought in clothes from myself before and all of that. And, you know, I was a musician and was in the band and stuff and stood in front of the trumpets and the drums and everything. So my hearing wasn't so great. And while this

silence is lingering kids, the four of them, they're trying to whisper the kids name. And in my head, Yeah, they're trying to bail me out. Sure. And in my head, I'm like, a jar, jaw, something. It was like, Jay, you know, I'm just, my brain's turning, and then I'm starting to kind of, it's turning in on itself. I'm like, what are you idiot? You can't remember the name? Come on.

Oh, this is so embarrassing. And my eyes catch them in the corner at first. They were just muttering under their breath, but the one girl just turned to me and said, Trevor. And I was so overwhelmed, you know, making an ass on myself. I didn't catch what she was saying. I looked at her like, what? And she has to say it again. And she says, Trevor, this time pretty loud, you know, looking right at me.

And I go, oh, yeah, yeah, Trevor, well, uh, anyways, and that's how I ended the speech. Just jump straight into, to them. I counted them off and then had them play, and that was my way to bail myself out of it. Did you apologize to Trevor afterwards? Yeah, yeah. It was, uh, yeah, that was a pretty, good one. The lesson I took from that was that I never, whenever I have to speak or do anything, I don't, if the list is longer than one thing, I write it down.

Right it down. Yeah. No way. You never forget that name again. Oh, I, like, that's a, just forgetting somebody's name is, I'd live in fear of that because I'm terrible at it. And the harder you chase the name, the more blank your brain goes. Yeah. We've all been there, Alex, we've all been there. It's kind of funny because then a couple years later, Rick Perry famously did it on national television when he couldn't remember the third thing. He was going to cut in my back, you know, me and Rick Perry now, we're kindred spirit. Lucky you.

All right, well, Alex, thanks so much for calling. Thanks, Alex. Thanks, Alex. Next up, we have Pablo calling from across the pond in England. Pablo, are you there? Hi, Pablo. Hello, hello, hello, Andy. How old is it Jose?

Yes, Jose, yes. Okay. Oh, that's much better. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it was going to be tough the other way. Yeah, it really did. It took up the ski mask. Yeah, it really did sound like you were talking through a speakerphone that was in a bucket of water.

Yeah, well, that probably wouldn't be very conducive to a conversation. It wouldn't. It wouldn't. So you got Andy, you got Jose. Let us tell us what's going on. What's your story here? Well, I mean, I'll take you back to 1994. Nice.

I think Kirkcabane had just, well, whatever it's happened there, happened there. And, yeah, I was 13 years old in a seaside town in the northeast of England. And basically, a friend of ours basically had started having parties at his house because his dad's, well, without too much detail, is dad was away every weekend, which meant his house was completely free. Right. So we thought we'd experiment with a bit of drinking and partying because he would be left alone with his two sisters and his two sisters were a little bit older than us

so they would just go out and we would just have the house to ourselves. So obviously being 13 and with, you know, license and laws and whatnot, the only way to really get any alcohol for the evening was to raid the parents, well, it was covered, but I suppose you call it a liquor cabinet. Sure. And, yeah, so the only had a vestibule of a soda stream bottle, a plastic, kind of like 1.5 litre soda stream bottle, and basically just took a little bit from every bottle, so filled vodka, gin, whiskey.

And because that was, you know, the kind of full extent of the hard liquor, the only other things in there were Vermeuf and cremonde a men. Yes, yes. The sickly sweet stuff, okay. Yeah, which is sickly in its own right, but then mixed in with all those other alcohols in one container. Yeah, not the best concoction. Well, how did you manage to choke it down?

Because as a kid, like to drink that suicide cocktail, it had to not taste good to your 13-year-old palate. Well, I think it was kind of, you know, in the northeast of England way. England in general, but the North East specifically, we kind of start the drinking quite young. Right. So I think it was kind of an expected thing, right, a passage type of thing. So I'd just assume by that point that alcohol just didn't taste nice at all.

Yeah. So it was just a kind of literally pinched nose and take a couple of glugs and then give yourself a bit of a 10 minute rest bite. And then, you know, by the time you've almost got what it tasted like, you could go back to it. and, you know, after, you know, once the palate has been, you know, liberally oiled, after a little while you don't quite notice as much. I had a man at a liquor store say, well, young man, are you drinking for flavor or for effect? It sounds, Pablo, like you were drinking for effect.

For effect, yes. Well, I think the general logic was, you know, unless you're drinking to get drunk, what's the point in drinking in the first place? You might as well just have pop or something. Yes, exactly. So you guys are passing it around? No, no. I mean, at the time it was everybody would kind of have their own weapon of choice really.

I see. You know, most others would go the route of cider. There was a particular one that was very popular at the time called White Lightning, which was essentially the cheapest, strongest cider you would get it, and you'd get it in like a three-liter bottle. Yeah, wow. But I think at the time most of the other lads were on those, or potentially those little, you know, stubby bottles of Belgian

logger that were very cheap that had possibly been raided from a parent's garage or something like that. But yeah, I was the only one imbibing this particular cocktail. But I did offer it out to a few other people, but nobody seemed to be interested for some reason. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know why. But yeah, so I just kind of like slowly made my way through it by the end of the night, which was kind of ended quite abruptly.

Which ended how? Well, essentially, by this point, I think we've been in the house and even not realizing the benefit of, you know, having four walls to contain ourselves and we decided to go out and about and wander the streets. This is the public part of the end up in-up. Okay. This is the public part, yes. You know, I'm kind of like, kind of tiptoeing over the boundary slightly, but it's still technically allowed, I would say, within the parameters of the show. But, yeah, so effectively we all went out. At one point, I have flashing images of it, but I was told afterwards that essentially I've got everybody in a circle and I went through every single one of my friends and effectively, you know, with my 13-year-old psychological psychology brain, I decided that I was effectively tell everybody exactly why they were brilliant to my friend, but then also all their character flaws and everything that I didn't like about them.

And I just selectively just went around person by person. And you told them exactly what you thought of them, good and bad. Is that good and bad? And in some ways, I think it was a benefit. I actually, you know, a friend of mine, you know, complimented to me later saying that Mark kind of helped him out of the bad patch by it. But the majority of people kind of didn't like me for a long time after that. I can imagine. I can imagine.

They say, you know, very tough, but gosh, it's scary. Yeah. Well, that's it. And I think, and basically at that point, I kind of, you know, Once I got around to the last person, I kind of said my farewells and just walked off into the distance on the lonesome on the idea of making my way home. And on route home, essentially stopped past every other house and, like, vomited in their front garden. Oh, yeah. Like, all the way to a point where I was probably...

You were getting everything out that night. Everything. Yeah, everything was coming out. Inions and stomach contents. Deposit. Yes, yes. There was a general kind of splur. of every sense.

And yeah, so I basically managed to get to a kind of like a shopping area, which has a kind of grassy verge on one side. I managed to get, which was about 10 minutes from my home. So, you know, I was quite proud of myself of getting that far, to be honest. And I just basically managed to, you know, decide to lie down and fall asleep on this grassy verge. And, yeah, a group of, I guess, 15 or 16 year old children came by and you know thankfully they were you know nice children um and

you know thinking back there were many things that you know i probably would have done in their situation which wouldn't have helped me in any way but they were nice and they kind of got it out of me what i've been and what i've been doing and they were kind enough to you know eventually finagle out my dad's phone number and they called him up and uh The kind of the last images I remember are just kind of my eyes open and hearing a car park up and then close in and then hearing a car door shut and then eyes open again. My dad's a little bit further up to the grass verge and just basically repeated to the point where I was kind of picked up and hurled into the back seat, drove back home and thrown into a cold shower. Yes, yes, yes. No time for that.

But those 15-year-olds who found you have probably been in your position. Yeah. And they were sympathetic. Yeah, God bless those kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, if anything, they were quite impressed with the, where I told them how old I was, that was, that got a, yeah, yeah. Well, thank you so much, Pablo.

I hope you're drinking these days is a little more controlled. Yes, I kind of more drink to get merry rather than drinks to get drunk now. That's good. It's a lot more controlled. That's great. Well, thank you so much for calling in. Yeah, thank you. I'm just a big fan of your work.

around about that time in that period that was when we were able to watch Conan on a random cable satellite channel high up in the numbers but was a big fan of yours and Conan's work from then until now thank you so much thanks Pablo all right

well we like to recap and say do you have a favorite caller do you think on this one I do I want to also point out that it was an entirely men call-in show right I wonder about that I wonder if there's self-consciousness or if there's, is there a difference in whether or not men are more, I don't know, I could generalize. Dudes love me.

I think it's that simple. Maybe that's it. I just am a dude, dude. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, do you have a favorite? I think I do. And unfortunately, it's the most scatological one. It's the one of the guy.

It's this pant shitting. The guy going to, because it has a wedding in it. Yeah, yeah. And it has. Well, it's just the bachelor party. Well, the wedding was later. But there were nuptials involved. They were coming.

They were coming. And the girlfriend had advised him not to eat the tainted. Yeah, yeah. You know, so it had a lot of, it had a beginning of middle. Yeah, yeah. Well, I like the romantic one, the one with the dick pick. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was my fate.

Sure, sure. The page from Texas calling. Exactly. Yeah, that was, it had just a lot of mystery. It did. It kept unfolding. That second penis in the picture. Yeah.

Who? Wow. Why? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's good to know that like if you're taking a dick pick in a public restroom,

that there's other men that would be there to back you up. A core of volunteers. Yes, yes. All right. Well, Jose Arroyo. Thank you so much. Your latest book somewhere in L.A. A book of ours.

It's available now. Amazon. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Andy. This was hilarious. I'm glad you could do it.

All right. Thanks again. All right. We'll see you next week on the Andy Richter-Callon-Callon-Bron. train radio. Bye, bye. Bye.