The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Kylie Brakeman: Beach Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: August 15, 2025

Comedian Kylie Brakeman joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your BEACH STORIES! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hello, everybody. Andy Richter here. Uh, I was gone for a couple of weeks. I guess we played reruns. Did we play reruns?

Yeah, we've played reruns, which are just as good as these new ones, to be honest, if not better. They've got a chance to age, like a nice piece of meat hanging in a temperature-controlled room. But I'm back. I was working in New York City, where it is on the news they called it hot as fuck. And now I'm back. Ready to take your calls today. we're doing beach and boat stories. Oh, this is the Andy Rick to call on the show.

You all know that. Conan O'Brien Radio. You know that too. Conan O'Brien Radio. Just haven't we heard enough about him? Beach and boat stories is what we're doing. 855-266-2-604, if you have one for us. And I am lucky enough here today to have, as my co-host,

a very funny comedian, writer, and actor. She's worked on The Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon, written for The Kids Tonight Show on Peacock, which is hosted by preteens. Kylie Brakeman. Hi. Thanks for having me. Thank you for being here. I really like your theme music.

I feel like I'm at like a jazzy red velvet sort of club. Thank you. Classy affair. It is a, it is a, I had music that I wanted to use, and that music cost money. So they gave me a somewhat of an approximation of what I had given them. Oh, I love that. So, but no, it's a, it's a good piece of music. I don't mind it at all.

Yeah. And, but thank you. I want to ask about this, this, the Kids Tonight Show hosted by preteens. How is that working with teens? Oh, my gosh. This was, okay, so this is my first writing job. And I, I did this before I, the Kids Tonight Show was my gateway into the regular Tonight Show. Oh.

But it was hosted by three eight or nine year olds and then one kid who was 12. And there was like a clear power dynamic where the kid who was 12 was like, I actually, I'm a star. Wow. It was really good. But the kids were great. And it was during COVID. So it was or it was like just coming out of vaccine zone sometime around 2021. And so the kids like, we were all wearing masks the whole time on production.

And then the kids like on the last day were like, can we see your faces? please. And so they'd run around and they'd like point at crew people and go, show us your face. And then people would flash their mouth and then they'd scream bloody murder like it was the funniest thing they've ever seen. And then they'd run to the next person. It was really cute. These kids were pros. Where was it on? Was it like on NBC.com or something? I believe it was on Peacock and may still be on Peacock. It's actually, you know what it says right here? The Kids Tonight Show on Peacock. On Peacock of all places. I'm not good at really. Well, let me continue because, man, you've got a whole fucking paragraph here.

Well, I have a whole thing. Yes. Wow. You're the co-hosts of the Artists on Artists on Artists on Artists Podcast, which is an improvised, very serious Hollywood roundtable, which I see clips of, and it looks very funny. Thank you. Yeah. We have a lot of fun.

You have a comedy special, Linda Hollywood's Big Night. Yes. And that's available for rent on Amazon, Apple, TV, and YouTube. And certain United Flights. Ooh, la, la. It is available to watch. Were you aware of that or did you just start finding that out from people? I was given a heads up.

I was under the impression that I get paid when that happens, but I don't. So it's just kind of a fun thing. That's kind of like this show. You're just a volunteer. You're kind of like a firefighter. Like a firefighter. This is, I'm the oldest intern in this building. But you're getting so much college credit for Emerson.

I really, really am. Any day now I'm going to get that degree. Well, our topic today is beach and boat stories. Did you grow up like as a lake house kid or anything like that? I grew up in Pasadena area. Okay. So local to L.A. region. I live in Pasadena now.

That's a great. It's a very nice place to grow up. Lovely little place. Someone described it recently as the town from a music man if it had like a little bit more of a coastal flare. Yeah, yeah, modern. Yeah, I could see that. There's just like a little bit of old-timey pizzazz to it. It's a pretty historic town, you know, that has been well preserved.

So it's nice. Yeah. But local to local to the beach, but not so local. about an hour away, so I would, like, definitely in high school, we would be driving to Santa Monica at 3 a.m. for some reason. Yeah, yeah. Just because it was, it was peak, like, 2010's sort of like Twee stomp clap kind of vibes. And so I was friends with a lot of beachy girls. And so there was a general vibe of like, we have to Tumblr, Wanderlust, we have to go to the sea.

We have to go to the ocean. Yeah, and listen to, I don't know, whatever. Um, Mumford and Sons or whatever. Oh, hey, lumineers and Richard. Ha ha ha. Clap. Hey. Let's raise a barn.

Yeah. You know. And dress anachronistically. Tonight's the night. Yeah. We're wearing fedoras. Yeah. It's all.

It's all good. I'm so glad that period of music passed because it would, it would just make me fucking crazy. And I mean, there would be bands on the Conan show too. And it was just like, what you're not raising a fucking barn. Like, what are you dressed like that for? You're not drinking sweet tea. of a mason jar every day of your life it's not happening and i mean i'm i know i'm an old crab but

it's also sort of like non-functional hats these days i just didn't it's just like take that fucking hat off you're not you know this isn't the fucking depression i have long hair i know how hard it is to fit the man bun under the hat yes yes i know you're not having a good time the fedora yeah the pork pie um but so did you you got any good beach and boat stories Beach and Boat Story. Well, recently I was at I was at JFL or I was at a comedy festival in Montreal and it's near the water and I wasn't like invited by the festival officially. I was like there as part of a friend's variety show who was

invited. So I didn't have access to any of the emails or the information. But my friend was like, hey, there's this like extracurricular activity you can do. There's this like management company buys out this jet boat and people can go on the jet boat so if you want to come we're going to go tomorrow and all i heard was boat and i didn't look into it and i kind of assumed it would be like a like a drinking line on a boat sort of like i'm in my you know my boat clothes and it's like a like a like a calm almost not a yacht but like a a a calm like a distinguished boat ride right of course that the kind you see in movies and tv or like one of those pontoons is just

basically an excuse for people to drink on the water. Yeah. It's basically a porch on big tubes so it floats. Yes. Yeah. I thought I would be stationary drinking water. Yeah. But it is the kind of boat where you're strapped in and it goes into the rapids and waves crash on top of you. Oh, wow. And then does like donuts and stuff like that. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. And so jet boat is a new word. I know what it means now. And you were soaked. Yeah. Like in an unbelievable way. In a way that feels like dangerous and crazy. Right, right. Like how did I get wet there? Yeah.

I was sitting. And as soon as I realized what it was, because I didn't realize what it was until we were already like on the water. Did your companions know that this was what they were in for too? They knew they had done it last year. Oh, they did. Oh, okay. But I think somewhere along the way, I just signed up for this. didn't think about it any further after that. Didn't ask any questions, didn't ask any follow-up

questions. And then I was on the water when I realized what was going to happen to me. Yeah, yeah. You know, that doesn't, that just doesn't, that kind of thing just doesn't sound. I guess when I was younger, that might have been fun. But like now, because I was, I was in New Zealand a number of years ago, and they have ones that in the South Island, but Queenstown, which is an absolutely gorgeous place in the world, but they have these boats that just go back into these narrow channels and then do donuts, like ridiculously fast donuts. And I just was like, that doesn't. It's crazy. I don't know. It's like, I want to just get in the dryer, you know, I mean, just turn on the dryer and get it. Just put me in for a few cycles. I wanted to do this. I remember

they kept going like. Keep the temperature off, but I'll tumble a while. Sure. I'll tumble. I can tumble. They kept asking people, because we would go in different rounds where it's like donuts and like waves crash on you, waves crash on you. And then they go, okay, who wants to go again? And it was like, really not the entire boat, majority said Roe. Right, right. Not me. And they're like, heard you loud and clear.

Let's go again. Oh, boy. There's probably a whole set number that they do regardless of whether you say yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Legally, they got to hit it. Right. They got to hit five scary donuts and 10 plunges, and then we can go. And then make at least one person puke.

Yeah. It's always the goal. Let's go to the phones because that's the whole point. It's called the call-in show. You call in and we talk to you. 855-266-2-604 is the number. And we are going to Jonathan. Jonathan from...

Hey, Andy, how are you? It sounds like you're at the ocean right now. I'm so sorry. Is it a bad connection? No, no. There's just like, you know, it's just the phone noise. It sounds like you're in the wind. I'm driving.

I apologize. That's okay. That's okay. That's all right. No, no. We hear you just fine. What are you guys doing? We're doing great.

You got me, you got Kylie, and you have a story about. How's it going? Yeah, so I live in Montclair, New Jersey. I've got three kids. Every summer we try to go to the, we try to go to the shore, a couple of times and then have a day at the beach. We like to go early, be done by around lunchtime. It's kind of our vibe.

We get down there, you know, get our tents ready, get our umbrellas ready, what have you. Kids immediately go out to the water, which is great. They take a boogie board. I have two older sons and a younger daughter. One day we went there, the waves, you know, you had those flags. The red flags don't go in, yellow flags like warning, green flags. good to go. I could have sworn it was a green flag day. And the waves still looked a little bit choppy, but it was a green flag day. The boys went out and their boogie boards. They came back

and they're like, it's a little rough, but we're done for right now. One of my son said he got tossed a little bit. And I thought to myself, you know what? I'm going to go out for a spin. I'm 45 years old at this point. Take the boogie board out. And literally, first wave takes me crushes me onto the shore. I'm trying to grab my breath a bit, and I go to feel my shoulder, and something's really, really wrong.

And I make my way, not to my wife, but to the lifeguard, and I kind of walk over, and I say, I think, I think I broke my collarbone, and they literally look at me and go, oh, yeah, you did. Oh, wow. Oh, no.

Yeah, they were... Yeah, because those guys are not doctors. No, but you would expect them to have a little bit of decorum, but no, they were in shock as well. Their diagnosis was dude. You're messed up, man. You are crunked. So they said, you know, let us call an ambulance. In my mind, I'm like, oh, I hear the dollar signs going, ching, ching, ching, dollar sign.

And my wife comes over and she can see the mess as well. And I was like, I don't know. And then they say, it's volunteer, it's completely free. And I thought, yep, let's do that. Let's do that. Now, wait a minute. What does it look like? Like, can you just, where there's a collarbone, you can see there's two pieces.

There's no, it's not compound. There's not bone sticking out or anything, right? It's not, bones are not sticking out of the skin, but it's coming out like it's pitching a tent to my skin. Oh, okay. Wow. There's angles created that are not normally there. Right, right.

Exactly. Exactly. And there's like a big sunken hole in one area. And, yeah, it's rough. Did your kids see it? Yeah, so my kids saw it. They kind of tried to stay away. They didn't really know what to do with themselves.

Run screaming. Right, right. It was a lot of mom. Is that okay? Is that okay? You know, they always wanted, like, if you're okay, they're okay. Yeah, yeah. We tried to do calm.

And, yeah, so ambulance comes. They put me in. And it's all volunteer down to the Jersey Shore. shore at that area specifically. So there's people coming in and like they come from the beach and there's like old, two old men and an older woman and they kind of put me in like one of those beach wheelchairs. Yeah. You know, they have the big, big wheels. Yep. They wheel me to the ambulance and it was one of the most painful rides I've ever had in my entire life and went to the Jersey Shore Medical Center. Yeah. I imagine that dragging you across the beach wasn't great either.

Oh, nothing was good. kind of was praying to pass out. Right. Yeah. Yeah. That feels like a bumpy, like wheelchair in the sand. Was it like a bumpy up and down rattling sort of experience or was it pretty smooth? I remember the ambulance more than the sand.

Right. Everything was kind of a blur. But, yeah. And then when we got to the hospital, you're just sitting around. You're not in a room. Right. It's just in the hallway because they're busy. It's Labor Day weekend.

And finally, my wife comes. She's like, he needs some morphine. And so finally, once my wife comes and starts taking charge, and everything kind of a bit smoother. Right. It was real. The ocean is strong, my friend. Did, uh, uh, uh, I forgot what I was going to say.

Um, how long were you messed up for? They just set it, right? And then, and then you just wear a shoulder. No. What do you call it? Labor Day. Right. Labor Day Sunday.

Uh, they didn't do anything. They took enough x-rays to, know that it wasn't emergency, I couldn't get surgery appointment until Thursday. Oh, I was, yeah. And this was Sunday, you say? Yeah. Wow. So what do you, you just fucking are immobile? It's horrible. Yeah, how do you fix it? Does it, does it pop back in or is there like a cast situation? So good question. Typically with broken collarbones, they don't do surgery. It heals itself. But because this was broken in two places, the doctor's like, yeah, we're going to do surgery on this. And so once I had that, it was sweet relief, but until then, it was rough. And is it like little

screws and plates in there now? Yep. I have a rod with about 11 screws. Nice. A rod. Yeah. Now, do you have to tell that to TSA all the time? I don't. I think they see it, but they don't, they don't seem to care. Oh, okay. That's good. But it's a really nice, healthy scar. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Could you walk around? I mean, you know, like, because they put you in a thing to drag you to the ambulance, but can't you walk? It's your collarbone, not your legs.

You can, but I think it was one of those where they weren't sure if I was going to pass out or what have you. So, yeah, once I left the hospital, I could walk and everything. Nothing was fun, though, because every movement you make is, you know, based on that area of your body. Right, right. It was fun. It was painful. Did you? And were you able to walk?

wipe yourself. I think that's what all our listeners are thinking. That's a really good question. One of my friends said that his dad was three really important things in life and one was every once in a while practice wiping with the other hand. Sudoku in the morning, wipe with the other hand.

I got that lick because I use both hands every time. It's necessary. Trust me. It is not pleasant. All right. Well, Jonathan, I'm I hope you're better now. I mean, do you still get, like, we, like, do you get, like, the thing where it's, like, on days it's going to rain, you can feel it in your collarbone?

I never put two and two together. I get sorenesses here and there, yes. Yeah. I don't think I'm ever going to be 100%, but for the most part, I can do everything I used to be able to do. All right. Well, I'm glad you're better. Thanks, guys. All right.

Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you. All right. Thanks for taking my call. Sure. Next up, we got Kevin from Minneapolis. Hi, can you hear me? Hi, Kevin.

Hi, thanks for having my call. Oh, well, thanks for being there to call. Yeah. I have a story about a time when I lost my wedding ring. My wife and I got married in 2016, and then shortly after that, we moved to Minneapolis. And we were sort of exploring the area walking around the lakes and things, and there's a big lake that we were walking by with a nice beach and a dock. And at this point, it was October, so it was kind of getting chillier in Minneapolis. And we were, you know, hanging out in the dock with a couple friends.

And, of course, I was kind of screwing around with my wedding ring. And it popped off my finger and went right between two slats in the dock and right into the water. And, you know, we were both kind of devastated. My wife is wonderful, but, you know, an exceptional problem. solver. And so, you know, the first thing she said, well, you got to jump in and try to find it. So, strip down to my underwear, jumped in, couldn't find the ring, spent probably 20 minutes doing that. And meanwhile, my wife's kind of figuring out our next move. And she Googles the phrase how to find a ring in a lake in Minnesota.

He varies from state to state. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. And this group popped up, and they're called the ring finders. And so she called, yeah, right. She calls this, and this guy answers, and he sounds like he's about 75 years old and really kind of gruff and doesn't offer much information,

but she kind of tells him the situation, and he says, okay, I'll meet you there tomorrow morning. And anyway, you know, next morning, she's waiting for him there and shows him where we lost the ring. And he's part, they parked probably about a mile and a half or half a mile away from the dock. And so he kind of assesses the situation. They walk back to the car and he starts putting on his scuba gear. And, you know, he has my wife drive him. He's hooked into his scuba gear in this like Toyota hatchback with kind of,

of his flippers on sticking out of the back of the hatchback and having my wife drive him towards the dock and he jumps out goes in my wife goes and parks the car and by the time he comes back he's walking out with the ring wow immediately wow and it was it was really great his name was darren and and he's this is kind of what he does for a hobby um excellent guy but And does he do this for free? He does it for free, but he accepts donations. And so we were kind of poor newlyweds. We gave him what we could.

Which is that you tag team did. Let's just say that. It turned into a hot sex party. Let's just say that. On the dock. Sorry, dude. We're broke, but we're young and ready to bone. Yeah.

And Darren would have been right there with that one. He's a pretty vigorous guy. Oh, yeah. All right. Let me just take off my mask. He honestly, I mean, I feel like I picture him so vividly in my mind. He feels like a really special agent of sorts. The Ringfinder.

That's a movie there. The Ringfinder. It's also. Incredible guy. It's also, to me, it strikes me. Like, he found it so quick that it's like, it seems like a waste of time to have put on fins. You know what I mean? like to gear up that much you didn't need to propel that fast you know yeah it it was a monumental

effort it really was yeah um fast forward like six months my wife sitting in her office at work and she gets a call from the the star tribune the big paper in in Minneapolis and they're doing a story on the ring finders so she tells the story and you know we're kind of waiting for the paper article to come out and eventually comes out and they absolutely butchered the story. They made me look like an absolute hero. My wife was sitting on the dock, fiddling with her wedding ring, popped off, and her husband dove into the frigid lake to find the ring and couldn't. So, you know, he found this group to kind of, and it's just completely wrong detail. Yeah, yeah.

They took a total rewrite on it. That's crazy. Total rewrite. And my wife, being the awesome lady she is, called the paper and made them print a retraction on the whole thing. Well, you guys were probably terrified that Darren would find you. Yeah, exactly. You know, hunt you down like, that's not how it happened. I won't have lies about me in my store. You didn't do shit. You'd got down to your underwear and waited around for a minute.

I put on fins. Exactly, exactly. all right well you and you've held on to your wedding ring until now still yeah same ring looking solid they are they are easy to lose that is true i i i never lost one my ex-wife did she left one on a plane once which i don't know how that happened uh but it was gone i think she took it off to put lotion on her hands or something and i'm like forgot about it or something it seems so easy to lose oh absolutely it's so small yeah smallest most expensive things that everybody has.

Yep. He was telling me that what they, he finds a lot of rings in cornfields out here because the corn's greasy and if you're walking through the corn, your rings can flip right off. So that's a lot of his time is spending cornfield looking for rings.

And is it just rings? Like if you lost a watch, would he just tell you to fuck off? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. Rings only, buddy. I don't do watch, Charles. Yeah.

Neckless, fuck you. Is that an anklet? I don't care. Not my jurisdiction. Check the business card. Ring finders. All right. Well, Kevin, thank you so much.

I'm glad it was a happy story. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for taking my call. All righty. You know, while he was talking, it reminded me because I was, you know, I was thinking of like beach stories and I was like, I don't really have a good one.

I'm inside from like, you know, every time we would go swimming at this lake near where I grew up. We had a golden retriever and she would stand on the dock and be incredibly worried about us being in the water and finally couldn't take it anymore and would jump into the water to come save us. But then by the time she got to us, she was scared herself and she would just shred your body with her claws. Just scratch, scratch, scratch, till you had to like pick her up like a baby, take her back to the shore and then either get out of the water or just have the whole process repeating. Oh my gosh. It's such a cycle. She cares so much.

I know. It's like, but you're going to, it's, it's, you know, it's a neurotic mothering is what it is. Of course. It felt so comfortable. And you can't really explain a lake to a dog. You can't. Of like, this is fun. We're here in the summer. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm good. I'm, I'm in the water recreationally. Yes. But he would, I don't know why I was reminded, but I was reminded of us one time, my ex-wife and I, before we had kids or anything, We were vacationing in St. John in the Virgin Islands, which is really beautiful, very, like, rural island. It's mostly nature preserve. And we like to go to the beach and swim naked. That's just one thing about us. Yeah, and it's America. Well, St. John's is not. No, it is.

It's a, it's a, a territory. Yeah, U.S. Virgin Island. So, yeah. But, yeah, but it's just, you know, it's fun to swim in the ocean naked. So we found this like nude beach and did like, and it was early days of the internet. And it had like a web, like this own little website kept by, you know, a bunch of nude weirdos. But it was like really kind of down this steep hill and you're in really thick woods and it's switched back kind of down. And then you pop out on the beach like through through this dense woods.

You're on the beach. And right there in this chair is a. a Caucasian man who is the color of a coffee bean head to toe sitting on a lawn chair has a big like cooler like a big like old kind of dirty old cooler next to him and he has an absolutely enormous penis with a huge hunk of metal in it like some kind of piercing that's like an art piercing you know so it's like it's just this weird asymmetric piece. of steel, silver, I don't know what. I mean, you got to go to the nude beach to, how else are you going to tell people you have that? I know, exactly. It's like if you're going to do that investment, then, you know, I was being polite, so I didn't really like, hey, how does that thing work? You know, I didn't really get a good look at it. What's the deal with your robot paper? Yeah, what's the deal with the hook in that

hog's nose? Yeah, what's going on there? But he's, he's totally chatty. And like, you let some rum punch and i was like okay sure pours it out from this dirty jug it's the strongest fucking booze i've ever had in my life but he's like telling us all about like yeah we maintain this there's a group of us that just and i just come out here on my days off and uh and this is what i do i just host the nude beach and he was totally charming and nice and you know wow we went and had our nude beach time and then when we were uh we you have to you don't leave from st john you go to saint Thomas is where the airport is. So you take a boat to St. Thomas.

We're in a van driving to the airport and St. Thomas. And we stop and there's a touristy jewelry store. And there's our nude pal standing behind the counter selling jewelry at like the Colombian emeralds or something. And we were like, hey, hi. And he, I don't think he recognized us. Well, with clothes. I'm sure it's hard.

But I were like, do you think he was real? Do you think he existed? I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure. I mean, I saw him twice, you know. Yeah. Three times I would have been like hallucination. Yeah, yeah. But I really do wish I had gotten a better look at how that, how the piercing worked. Because it was just very, it looked like one of, you know, like Jorrell's spikes kind of through his penis. You know what I mean? Because I'm, I can't even really picture which direction it's going. That's what I'm saying. It just was like this big shard of metal that looked. like it had like flown off a belt sander, you know, and then stuck. And he's the park ranger of a nude beach. He's the host.

He's the host. It's really nice. That's really nice. All right, let's go 855-266-2-604. If you have a boat, beach stories, they don't have to be nude. But, I mean, it'd be great if they were. Yeah. Everyone likes nakedness.

Oh, my God. Red Alert, we have a wild card call. Well, Kylie, as I'm sure you know, as a dedicated listener to this show, the wild card. Every night before bed. Wow. Those calls are ones that are off topic. Okay. We don't care.

You know, if you got something good to tell us, go ahead and call in. Steve from NYC has a wild card for us. Steve? Hi. Hi, Andy. I don't know if you remember, but about a month or so ago, I called with the, another wild card call. I was a musician with a day job as the super of buildings on the Upper East Side.

Oh, yes. Occasionally would find dead bodies. Yes, yes. Well, about 10 years later, when I had gotten really tired of moving trash cans around, I went back to school and I got my master's degree in early childhood education. Oh, okay. And I had only been working for a few months as a preschool teacher at a law. local nonprofit on the Upper East Side, when my director came in really excited and informed me

that my class had been chosen to participate in a holiday fundraising media event. I don't remember what the cause was, but she was very excited to tell me that the very famous football player, O.J. Simpson would also appear at the event. Oh. Wow. So we took our yellow school bus, and we got dropped off on the curb in front of a very fancy store on Madison Avenue and 70th Street, a boutique of some sort. And we were really thrilled to see O.J. standing there like in a floppy Santa hat in front of the store. And adding to that

and was interesting to us at the time and is sort of unsettling now, accompanying him was his wife Nicole and two young children. Wow. Okay. So of course, OJ was really charming and, you know, had the children laughing and he was flirting with all the teachers and they were flirting back with him. and he actually put me in sort of a playful headlock for a moment or two, which was a little humiliating, but he was a really big guy. Of course. Right. Anyway, I'm sure there's photos of this someplace in some archive, I guess.

But we were with them for about 20 minutes on the corner. And after that, we've been on the bus and we went back to the Rainbow Room, and we had a snack and the kids took a nap. And that's it. In the Rainbow Room. It's such a weird meetup, just a weird meetup. on the corner, you know, like, get out, kids. We're going to the rainbow room.

And now we're going to the rain. Now we're going to the Copa Cabana for nap time. Yeah, we're going there and where are you going, O.J.? It was like that. Yeah, yeah. At the time, it was just sort of like a cheap thrilled in New York. But later on, it was just very unsettling to think of like this innocence and evil. Yeah, yeah.

No, absolutely. I'm curious about the headlock. Did he give one to just you or were there other people that he also gave one to you? Or were you singled out for one? Well, I was the head teacher, so I think he thought it was funny for the kids to see their teacher in a headlock. Oh, okay, yeah. So there was, nothing inspired it. It was just out of the blue.

He's like, who's the alpha male here? You, hold on, watch this. Who has the most power at this preschool? I could kill you if I wanted. I think there was an alpha thing going on, definitely. Yeah, yeah. He just thought it was funny to embarrass me in front of all the kids. Yeah, yeah.

About three and four-year-old kids. Then he was just acting silly. Yeah, that's football stuff too. Of course. It must have been, it was like 94, 95 because it was early on in late night with Conan O'Brien. I did remote stuff from the Super Bowl, which was in Atlanta. And when we got, I was in a ridiculously long stretch limo. And I told the driver who was very fun when we pulled up to the security area to drive into like the broadcast center.

outside of the Super Bowl. And I said, tell him it's Senator Ted Kennedy. And he did that through like three checkpoints. I've got Senator Ted Kennedy in the back. And they're like, oh, right, go right through. No ID need to be. All you have to do is say you're Ted Kennedy. Well, now it probably wouldn't work because he's dead.

But as driving around like where all these like satellite trucks were was O.J. Simpson and what I think was Nicole Simpson. but, you know, he did have a very particular taste in women, which was Nicole Simpson looking. Could be some types. Yes. Yeah. But I remember seeing that and then, like, you know, flashing back to it later and being like, oh, my goodness. I wonder if that was them.

Wow. Because it is kind of chilling. I mean, I mentioned Steve. I imagine Steve, it was kind of chilling thinking about it backwards, you know, backwards like that. It really was because as the story developed and first saw Nicole again. And then when they started to show the kids, when I story, my story happened in 1991.

Yeah. So the kids were both really young. But it really was a little bit, it's a chilling sort of unsettling thing to think about, you know. Yep. Evil was just around the corner sometimes, you know. Well, yeah, that's good. That's good.

It keeps like, it keeps things spicy. Keeps us on our toes. Yeah. Yeah. You, I might, we all have, may have met future OJs and not even known it. Right, right. We've probably met murderers.

statistically. Absolutely. Absolutely. There's probably one here right now. Well, at some point I'm going to do another wild card call about a guy that I met that was a tenant in my building who turned out to be sort of a well-known criminal. Oh, nice. Yeah, save it for another time. This is on next wildfire call. Yeah, yeah. All right. Thanks, Steve. Thank you. Bye-bye. All right. Next up, we got PJ and Tessa from the Valley. The valley so low. Hello. Hello.

Hi. Hi. We got, there's two of you? Hi. Hello. Oh, nice. I love that bullhorn. Can we get like even just a little bullhorn?

You have to say the word. Wild card. Oh, wild card? Yeah. Wild dog. It's, yeah. You would, you would, if you were Pavlov's dog, you would be thrown out because you did not figure out. Not fast enough.

Yeah, yeah. Not learned. So tell us, what, you got a heart? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Yeah, so we were trying to make a cruise in Chibitavica outside of Rome, and we had a rental cart that I had set up, and I was so specific beforehand, I had called Avis, and I said, we're dropping it off on a Sunday, are you open then? And they said, don't worry, we have a lockbox

where you can put the keys in a parking lot area. A parking lot, right? So we could drop it off on that Sunday. Well, we get to the Avis and We had driven all the way through Tuscany, from Milan down to Rome. Okay. And we need to make our cruise. And there's no lockbox. It's not open. No parking lot.

There's nothing. No party lot at this little Avis in a little town on a Sunday. And we're like, well, what the hell do we do? Because we have this rental car that we have to drop off to make our cruise. The cruise is leaving in like a half an hour. Well, okay. Very soon. And time is ticking.

So we're trying to talk to people. Neither one of us speaks Italian. My mom had assured me that someone, would either speak English or French while we were in Italy because those languages would speak. No one did. And we go to, we walk over to the police station to see if they can help us. Oh, they could not have cared less. Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, yeah. Right. You know when you walk in and the guy just looks at you like he's chewing on a toothpick and he's like, why are you here? Yeah. And they didn't see any English either. No one spoke in any English whatsoever or friends.

And so we finally, um, we come, we go to a. restaurant or this guy came up to us or and said about there were a couple guys following us like they were asking us if they could see that we were in distress in some way they looked like they were going to either kill us or a total stammer yes very versedating not trustworthy but then we happen upon yeah one guy said oh go to that restaurant they'll help you out they might there there's a waiter there's a wait there's a wait there right but that speaks english we figured this out we know enough you know understand so we get to the restaurant and and the one in the problem's like ah ah yeah Like about English, they have like a guy who's really good in English.

It was like they were calling in the wolf. You know, they were calling on the wolf. This guy is going to help you out. Yeah, yeah. It was like this big buildup. The guy comes in from the back. Yeah, the waiter comes from the back. They were like, speak to him in English, he'll take care of you.

Right. Basically, it's what we figured out. We went in a very short explanation, and he just looked at us like we had 23. And he had no idea what we were saying. We did figure out that it was avis for Avis, right? Ah, Avis. And ultimately, we were so. desperate to make it that we asked the one of the women who worked at the restaurant who seemed

trustworthy if she could turn in we the keys at the abyss you know first thing the next morning basically gave them a car we literally gave them our rental car and prayed they were going to steal it yeah yeah so that we could make it to our cruise which we barely made in time And then when we got to Sicily, we actually went to the Avis branch there to check to see if our Avis, if our rental car had gotten turned in. It's pronounced Davies. They were freaking, there was a sign that they were closed until like four or whatever. Should we not just sit in front of the darn Davis? They're never open in Italy.

And then when they finally came, they saw it had been turned in first thing that Monday morning. Oh, wow. The woman totally came through for us. Can you imagine? Wow. Forest like that? Yeah. Yeah, that's nice.

And then we were like crying for joy. And then we had given them our email address and the woman emailed us. And we were, it was 2013 and it was hard to get emails on cruises at the time. But we, we did like a few days later. We got one email from the woman in like broken English that she probably used some kind of translation Google thing and saying that she'd gone right when it opened. And we were like, oh, God, Jimmy. Had you just had you just left it on the street like nearby?

We had brought up on a park spot. Just on the street, a parking spot on the street and tried to, as best we could with like a mixture of like Latin languages, a little bit of Spanish, a little bit of French. Did we give them the contract and we showed, we gave them our rental contract and the key and they returned it. Yeah. Wow. Wow. That is really nice. But we were shaking when we finally got on the cruise because we were like, oh my God, what did we just do?

We just gave our rental carways. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You got on a cruise not knowing if you were an accomplice in a big. car thievery. You know, it's fast. I know. Yeah.

Yep. Well, I'm glad it all worked out, B.J. and Tessa. By the way, you guys are our first conference call. I don't think we've ever had more than one person call in at a time. So this is very exciting. Yeah. It's a real roundtable. All right.

Well, thanks so much. I'm glad it worked out. Thank you. All right. Thank you. Love you. Thank you so much. Bye.

All right. 5526-6-2-604. We're talking beach and boat stories. Yeah, it could be fishing if you want. I guess that would be included. Legally, yeah. Yeah. A jet ski. No, I wouldn't stop you from talking about a jet ski story. Next up. Carrie, are you there? Yes. Hi, Carrie. You've got Kylie and you've got Andy. How's Buffalo these days? Good, good. It's cloudy and really human. right now. Mmm, delicious. Oh, it is.

Nice and sticky and gross. Yeah. So tell us your story. Okay, so when I was in college, I went on a mission trip to Guyana. Do you know where that is? It's in South America. Yes. Yes, I know where it is.

Okay. It's where the big Jim Jones, you know, mask her was. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Yeah, yeah. I forgot about it. So we were saying, like, I'm in the capital, but they said, you know, we're going to have you guys spend a few nights in the interior, which is basically the rainforest.

Yeah. And we were like, oh, it's going to be so awesome. We were, I was so excited. And we had to take two boats to get there. So we basically had to go, like, up the Demerara River, I believe, and then, like, into the ocean and then, like, back up another river or something. and these are like not big boats and I get pretty seasick so I was I was so nervous I was just going to like blow chunks but luckily it was okay but we get to like this cabin area where we're staying and we talked to some locals and we were like oh what kind of animals are going to be here and you know thinking monkeys and who knows what and they were like uh we got like cows and like there's a duck and we were like okay

and they were like oh and if you go in the water don't pee because parasites will go up your urethra and we were like oh good to know so we were like playing with some of like the local kids

and going on this little like rowboat and then after that we go back to the cabin and we're going to like shower so this one girl goes a shower. The whole shower like fills up. So I assume it's clogged.

So nobody could shower for the rest of the day. And we're like, cool. We were just in like parasite water. So that's great. And we can't wash it off. Right. And you got to keep your urethra clenched that entire time. Yeah.

Yes. The whole time. Yes. And then we're going to go to the bathroom and not as a group, But you know what I mean. Sure, of course. Yeah. Right, right.

One by one. And I'm not judgmental. I'll do it however you want. However the normal way to go to the bathroom is, that's what you were doing. However it is a la Guyana. Right, right. So the toilet doesn't flush. So someone's like, oh, I'll open the back of it.

So they open the back of it. And like, I want to say hundreds of frogs come out. Well, that's your problem right there. Yeah, I think. See, that's not actually what you want. Wait, say that again? I was excited because I was like, oh, cool animals. But then it was like, oh, there's too many.

This is bad. And like the cabin we were seeing in, like, there wasn't like, you know, windows. It's just kind of like the holes and the cinder block type thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so they're coming in through the holes. The frogs. The frogs. The frogs are?

Yes. Okay. Everywhere. They're all coming deep. Like, did they have room in the, because they're all in the back of the toilet, correct? Right. But they must have, like, seen, I don't know. Maybe they saw, like, the light or something.

I have no idea. Or they were, like, look, like, the only white people on this island. Let's mess with them. I don't know. Right, right. Yeah. It could be. Could be.

Yeah. And, oh, also, also, the guys in their trip, were staying upstairs and they were like it's pretty weird up with there and we were like why and like we go up there and there was like a bunch of pictures of Jennifer Lopez and a clock with pictures of her for like each nump how big was the how big was the clock and yeah what you mean clock size yeah regular clock size okay so regular clock size little tiny jalo's on each number. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I see it. I just want to know what to look up on eBay so I can find one. I hope you're going to say photos of her and her. Oh, no, you're going to say photos of her and her frog posse too. Oh, that's great. It's weird up there. It's just J-Lo appreciation. That's not

weird. Yeah, I was expecting you to say ghosts or like something haunted. There's like a guy in there. Oh, no, something much stupider. No, it's just a fan of the movie The Bodyguard?

No, wait, that's not Jennifer Lowe's. Yeah, yeah. That's somebody else. Yeah, yeah. She could be in it.

Out of sight, made in Manhattan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't make me go further than that. Please. And also, I just want to mention that the electricity goes out

in that cabin after nine. Yeah. So we were just, just sitting in the dark. Wow. And we were too afraid to go to sleep because the mosquito nets, they were like bugs in the mosquito net. So we were like, we're not sleeping tonight.

So I was on a kitchen chair the whole night with a flashlight, just like watching bugs and frogs come in the windows. And everyone else was on like a couch. I got unlucky. So I think I was the only one who didn't sleep. And it was horrible. And then the next morning, since this was like a mission, trip, they said, we'll go to Mass, and then maybe we'll, like, we'll see if we could cut this

trip short and get a boat back to Georgetown. So we go to this math, very informal, like, middle of the mass, two wild dogs come in and they start doing it. And we're just like, this is the weirdest place we've ever been. Yeah. It feels like you were in the middle of, like, an animal. movie where they had an agenda. Right.

It was truly, it was wild. Yeah. We had to like make sure we got a boat home. And like the one host was like, oh, how was it? We were like, well, there were a lot of bugs and stuff. And she was like, oh, yeah, there could be some flies. We were like, oh, okay. Yeah.

No, she was probably, she was probably thinking, it's the jungle. Like, yes. Right. There's frogs and bugs. The dogs are going to be doing it a little. Yeah. You're telling me. Yeah.

That's they do that. They know when they get an audience. Right. Yeah. They were into it. Yeah. There's also a bat there in the cabin, by the way. I just would just add an animal on.

Nice. Now, did this cause a wavering in your faith? I was just there, honestly, for the trip. Yeah. Yeah. So I was going along. with whatever else. Right.

Because 100 frogs at once feels like textbook Bible. I haven't read it. It's very biblical. It feels very Bible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is one of the plagues. Right. Yeah.

That's true. Yeah. Just be glad you didn't get boils. Right. Those are no fun. Boils, locusts. Yes, yes. You've got kind of the good end of the deal.

Honestly, frogs is a plague doesn't seem that bad. Yeah. And honestly, there's, and there's also other, frogs are better than mice, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I would have passed away if I saw it's how you know what kind of omen it is. If it's mice in the toilet, you've got to get out. Yep, got to get out.

All right. Well, Carrie, thank you for the call. Thank you. All right. Have a good summer. What's left of it? All right. Next up, we got Jeff from Pennsylvania.

Hello, Jeff. Hey, man. How are you? You got Kylie and me. What's up? No, not much. Yeah. So my beach story was, this is probably in like the mid to late 90s. So I was, you know, like middle, I was in like six or seventh grade. And my dad decides he's going to take the family on vacation for spring break. And my dad's a pretty conservative guy. So I kind of suspect that maybe one of his coworkers was being sarcastic. and he didn't get it, but, you know, he ended up taking us

the South Padre Island off of, in Texas, and I'm going to call it the Gulf of Mexico. Yeah, that's a good thing to call it. And so we fly down to Corpus Christi, and we run a minivan, and we drive out to the island, and we get there to our motel, and my dad being the cheap skate he is, you know, rents this kind of shitty motel room. We pull up to the motel, we pile out of this minivan, and there was, had to be like more than

50 college kids sitting around the pool with stacks of beer piled up, you know. Yeah. And it was like in a, you know, in a movie where like the record stops or they all just looked at us, like, what's this family doing here? Yeah. It's a fair point. is not a, yeah, yeah, I mean, this is not a place you take a family for spring break. And I guess my dad didn't know that. Um, so we get out and we, you know, this is one of those motels where, you know, there's no hallways or anything. There's just a door that goes outside from each individual room. And ours was like the closest to the pool. So the whole week we're there. All night, there's loud music. college kids, you know, getting drunk and everything.

And it, and like each morning we'd get up and there'd be like a few of them on the side of the pool that didn't make it back to their rooms or whatever. So it was just kind of a disaster. And then we, you know, we would go to, I remember we, we were going to the beach one of the days and we pull up to like one of the public beaches and there's a big banner by the beach says Playboy TV. wet t-shirt contest. So my dad just kind of like, nope, not going there. So, you know, we're just desperate this whole week to try to get away from all these college kids. And one night we went to a bar restaurant, and we were the only ones there. And we're like, oh, finally, we've got some, you know, peace in quiet or whatever.

So we order our food, and we're waiting. for our food to come, and then all of a sudden, I don't know if you guys remember a band in the 90s called Godsmack. Yeah. They were playing a concert in the bar next door to ours. So it was like just immediately the music, it was so loud you couldn't, you couldn't talk across the table, you know, like it was just very loud. That's Godsmack for you.

Classic gobsmack. I guess finally my dad kind of got fed up in one of the days we ended up just getting in the van and he ended up taking us over into Texas and then over the border into Mexico. I didn't need a passport back then or whatever. So it was just very odd that, you know, we ended up, I think we were the only family on that island for spring break. It was just a very strange experience. Yeah, I think they got a, they, the spring. break for adults and the spring break for kids they got to be on different weeks we have to as a society figure that out well but as it you know he's taking his children and you know they're right you know and he's an adult yeah yeah so where do we draw the line just got to go somewhere where those fucking college kids aren't ruining everything and you said this was early 90s so there was no like internet for him to yeah exactly yeah yeah no way to look at the yelp like images yeah yeah yep well um did you have you ever made fun of them about it or

no i mean not really but it's one of those things where you know you don't at the time really realize how strange it is or what was going on and then later on they're like oh that was that was not a good move yeah oh wait a minute yeah yeah those kids were passed out drunk yeah yeah i went on one I went on one spring break, my freshman year of college, to Daytona, yeah, Daytona Beach. And it was a bus trip from the University of Illinois in Champaign, Urbana, me and these two friends of mine. And we rented a hotel room and they were four occupancy. So we had this like very nice Korean guy that was with us, didn't speak a lot of English, but was very nice. not a lot of problems but was with us the entire time he was sort of like he just was down there solo

yeah you know and so he's like going to be in the room with us and like sleeping in the bed with somebody i don't remember i don't remember exactly how that worked out um and this is our friend who we can't really communicate with but the vibes are there this is him here and uh and he doesn't want accompanying us everywhere and we weren't 21 yet And it was just awful. Like everything. And I don't know what I thought was going to happen because every time my entire life, when they'll be like, here's shots of spring break.

To me, it looks like, oh, my God, that looks awful. I'm like, everyone's so sweaty. Yeah. Oh, my God. They're just, you know, like the performative displays of sexuality. Very upsetting. But no, it just looks like, you know, like bro nightmare. you know, like titty bar grossness, you know.

And it's like what you're doing at college anyway. It's the yuckiest college party, but you put it in a mega yucky college environment that's even bigger. With sunburn involved. Yeah, yeah. And then everyone has heat stroke. That's the difference. Yeah.

Well, Jeff, thank you so much for the call. Yeah, thank you. All righty. All right. Well, that's our time, Kylie. Wow. I, you know, I learned a lot. You learned a lot.

Well, we usually, at the end, we pick a favorite call. Golly, I don't know which is the best. Who do you like the most? You know, I think the imagery of the frogs coming out of a toilet is something that's really sticking in my head. That is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. But also viscerally, the ringfinders is a man who I feel like will come to me in a dream someday. Right, right.

Ringfinders. Yeah. All right. I'll go with, I'll vote for ringfinders too. It was, you know, that was a good one. Yeah. And where else can, what do you want to plug here? I mean, you've got artists on artists on artists on artists.

Of course. It's an improvised Hollywood Roundtable podcast. You can listen to it on Spotify or you can watch it on YouTube. and my special Linda Hollywood's Big Hollywood Night. It's a character stand-up special is available at certain links. You can go to my bio for it. Is it doing well? Are you getting rich off it? I'm getting very rich.

I'm about to be very evil very soon. Nice. Excellent. Planning on having it changed me completely, but I'm not all the way there yet. So if you could help me out, that'd be awesome. Yeah. I saw you shopping on Harry Winston.com the entire time we were on the radio. Yeah, yeah. I'm sending it to my assistant. It's going to be pretty good for me. All right. Well, thank you, Kylie. Thanks for coming in. It was great having you. And thank all of you for listening and for being patient with me being off the last couple of weeks. I'll be back next week with more of this. And you all should stick around because right now you've got Stand Up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin. Bye, bye.

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