The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Langston Kerman: Run-Ins with the Law (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

Actor and comedian Langston Kerman ("English Teacher") joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear stories about Run-Ins with the Law! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories about a psychic cop, a terrible wedding favor, law enforcement playing guitar, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  
This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hello! You're back, we're back, backity back. Uh, it's the Andy Rictor call-in show we're live coming to you from Sirius XM studios give us a call 866-255-2504 is that right I don't have the paper in front of me oh wait 855-266-2604

normally they have a paper in front of me because I'm stupid and I can't remember things like the number that you're supposed to call in. There we go, now they're putting it on the screen for me. 855-266-2604, give us a call. Today we're talking cop stories, run-ins with the law, with the Heat, the Fuzz, Johnny Law, and here with us we have Langston Kerman,

the very, very funny comedian who just recently did my podcast and I had such a good time with him. And he's also very available. He's got nothing but time. Buddy, you could have changed the state three times. I'd have shown up. It's also two small children too. When you got little kids, it's like,

oh really, do you need me to come somewhere and, you know? They mean nothing to me. I'm here for you and you alone. No, I mean you need to get away from them. That's what I meant. Absolutely. Yeah, you take any excuse. So how you doing?

I'm good. You told me we're doing cop stories and I feel ashamed to not have Not have great cop banter. Yeah. Well, yeah happens. I mean, you know, it's it's really does hurt your credentials It ain't great black man. It ain't great. Yeah. Yeah, it's not it's not good for the brand. I'd say You could have gone out last night and and gotten you know fucked with some got roughed up Yeah, I just walked around, you know, fucked with somehow. Just got roughed up by a mean. Yeah, yeah, just walked around, you know, like a fancy neighborhood, jumped some gated community gates.

It turns out the LAPD has been nice to me is the position I'm taking, and that's not, that's not a good one. Oh, yeah, yeah, that isn't good. That isn't good. That isn't good. Yeah, no, I don't really, the only ones I ever, I only had like really one when I was home from college

and I went to visit a friend of mine in the city and driving back, I had my mom's car and she transferred the plates from her previous car and they put the sticker plate on the front. And in, I think it was, Berwyn, Illinois. Okay. Which is like a little collar community.

Oh I know Berwyn. Yeah, Berwyn. Just a fucking asshole cop. Made a big deal about the sticker. Yeah, and like, you know, when he gave me my license back, like threw it at me. Oh shit. Yeah. Oh, shit.

Yeah, just talk shit. Like, from the get-go. Whoa. It was like, you know, you got no plates. You know, your plates are expired. There's no sticker on your plates. And I was like, I don't know. Yeah.

But you did. I did, yeah. And all of this is logical. Yeah. And then he got, because he went and raided it in and then figured it out. And then came back and was just seemed to be extra mad too that he didn't get to give me a ticket. He probably wanted to be able to really rough you up.

Yeah, to give me a ticket or something. And I just was like, and it's so frustrating because, I mean, like I gotta tell anybody, but it is like, you cannot really, like they just have leverage on you. Like it really does take something to. Well, it's a job that shouldn't exist. You know what I mean?

Like it's completely made up. Well, I don't know about that. I don't know about that, you know? I mean, it is kind of like somebody's got it. Like when somebody breaks into your house, there should be somebody to call. I think so, but I don't necessarily know that the person that you call

should necessarily be the same type of authority Yeah, that enforces parking and right in traffic and all like it's a little too much of a all-encompassing Position which means that it creates the power vacuum right to your point right that you can't escape from and it does attract bullies And it attracts gun nuts. Yeah. You know?

And it's, yeah. I mean, it's just an open door policy for, yes, civic minded people that want to do good, but then also like fucking weirdos that are just fucking waiting to tell everybody what to do. I keep hearing about these civic minded ones. I know. And where are they? But the weirdos seem to be my experience.

I remember in Amsterdam, this is truly my only sort of like real, real experience with the police in any recent memory, but we went to Amsterdam and our Airbnb got broken into. Like the first night we come back high and drunk and all the things that you are in Amsterdam and somebody had broken the glass and stolen a bunch of shit out of the Airbnb. And so we call the police and they were comically useless, truly unhelpful in every way, shape or form. Like why would you leave your stuff out in the place where you're staying? That seems like your fault.

In the locked apartment. Yeah, and it's like, well, I guess I can't tell if this is the police or if this is just Dutch police. You know what I mean? Like if this is just the way y'all are or this is like the police in general. But yeah, it feels like at best you're getting weird personalities for those positions.

Yeah, yeah, it is. It's a strange thing. One thing that always has struck me about the police, I don't know where I read this, but, like, when the... one of the founding principles of police, like, when they came into being, like, let's have, you know, beyond, like, Roman centurions or whatever, police was that the notion of them is that they're supposed to be working on their own obsolescence. like Roman centurions or whatever. Police was that the notion of them

is that they're supposed to be working on their own obsolescence. Like that's part of their job is to help society get to a point where they're not needed anymore, which I don't know if you have ever encountered other people that work for a living and get a paycheck doing something. They don't spend a lot of time. You're not

going to see a lot of dishwasher repair people trying to create unfixable... The folks at Apple aren't trying to make the perfect phone and free us from needing to buy a new one. Right, exactly. This is the phone, the only phone you'll ever need. No, no, no. We're done. We're out the game after. Yeah, my only knowledge of where the police came from is slavery, that they were originally, I think police, as they were originally sort of created

in this country, was for the purpose of re-catching slaves and managing slaves who had escaped, and then it became sort of an all-enforcing job years later. Yeah, how nice. Yeah. How nice. While we're at it. Since you're here.

We might as well ride a few parking tickets. This guy's riding his horse pretty fast, if you don't mind. Hold on there, buddy. All right, let's go to the calls. With that sweet slavery segue, let's go. Always have to bring slavery into it. It is such a fucking boner killer.

Andy, you talked to me before. I brought it up the first time. I'm not going to not bring it up again. Yeah, it's like getting a sandwich with you. I know who would like liked sandwiches, slaves. Slaves, they didn't get to try them. They could have bread or they could have meat. But to put the two together.

To mix them? No, no. Never, never. Let's go to the phones. We're at 855-266-2604. Give us a call if you got some good stories about the police. Let's go to Tanya from Toronto calling in International. Hi guys, so happy to be on the show and to talk about my run-in with cops. Mine's a little

unconventional. I had a psychic reading a couple years ago with a guy named Chuck Bergman who goes by the name psychic cop. And it does sound like something from a TV show, but it's real. He also used to be on this A&E show called Psychic Search. And basically I saw he was giving readings one day and I was really curious. And so I called him.

Wait, can I just, can I stop you for one second? Just because what does that mean, psychic cop? Is he solving crimes? Is he like, okay. So it's like, my wedding ring has been stolen. Help me find where it is, psychic cop. Or is it like, my sister's missing, help me find her. A little bit of both.

He helped with cold cases while he was at the, he's a 20 year veteran of the Salem, Massachusetts police department. That's where the witches are from. Oh, he's got some of that magic. Wow. So no, he, he did a lot of that stuff for years. And I had learned about him from a friend of mine

who had done a podcast interview with him. And then I was like, kind of following him on Facebook. And so I saw him giving free readings And I had learned about him from a friend of mine who had done a podcast interview with him. And then I was like, kind of following him on Facebook. And so I started giving free readings and I decided to call because I was sort of a skeptic. Even though the reading he had given my friend the first time was actually very on point, it was very spooky and kind of creepy. But so I was like, let me try it for myself. And so I called in and so um, so you're not weird.

You're not calling him because you have a missing item or person. You're just calling him for a good read. Yeah. Just for a good read to see if he's like early up to par on what he says he is. And so I'm a boomer after this though, because, uh, when I spoke to him first, like I was kind of getting like cold readings where it was like, he was talking about how

My grandma was really interested in the tiles in our house and I was like, I don't know what that means Um, I don't know why she would be interested in tiles And then uh, he said something that really sent a shiver down my spine Which was how uh, he said that she's asking me to tell you to put the picture frame back and I was like thinking in my head like what is he talking about and then I realized when he started describing it saying it's a portrait of her in a white gown and it's in a brown frame or something and I remembered I had taken down a portrait of her when we got a new Ikea Besta, like sorry grandma,

but the Besta had to go up and I kind of moved things around and I put it in a box and Only my sister and I knew about it. We never shared anything about it on social media Even the photo has never been on social media was a very personal sort of you know, family portrait we had of hers and I never met her and so You know when he told me that I I started freaking out and I was like, okay Well, this is very weird and it's too specific That's what was kind of throwing me off that you know He can say one thing where it's like your grandparents were in the war and I see like a helmet

And I see like warm, you know, it's it but it was different. It was not like that So when he said that to me, I just kind of felt like I had seen a ghost or I felt something. It was just a very weird sort of reaction. And then that same night I had gone down in the basement and I pulled out her portrait. And it was funny because during the reading when he was talking about her, he was like saying that she was in the room with him and us, like when we were talking. And he said that he was wagging her finger in a playful way, like, hey, get her to get that portrait back up.

And I was just like, what? Like, I was completely flabbergasted. I was shocked. Yeah. Yeah, so I had that portrait now up every time. And it's because of a psychic cop. What a silly way to be pro police. I like that.

Yeah, if only this could be every, it's a nice way to start it out though. Yeah, I like this. This is cool. Did you consider for a second, like saying, no, look, I, you know, fuck you, granny. Yeah. You're staying in the basement?

It was a pretty expensive piece of furniture we bought. Right, exactly. Look, I have planned the feng shui out. And it's, you know, this is not, I don't want that old woman staring at me. You weren't exactly hot in your dress, Grandma. We're putting you away. Yeah, no, I'm sure she had a sense of humor, but I have it up.

I love my grandma. I've never met her. She passed before I was born, so I always sure she had a sense of humor, but I I have it up I was I love my grandma I've never met her she passed before I was born So I always kind of tried to find things but it was a very interesting thing that I basically spent the entire Pandemic with her then because it was like she was in our in our home and I kept her portrait behind me Like it's literally now where I work at my desk. She's always looking over my shoulder So I have her like with me, but it was the entire pandemic actually Like it's literally now where I work at my desk. She's always looking over my shoulder. So I have her like with me, but it was the entire pandemic.

Actually, I was so interested in what more I could know about her because I was like, is she really a spirit? Is she really around? This is kind of awkward because sometimes I will sit on the couch just eating burritos. And I'm like, my grandma's like probably not proud of that. But like I'll just be sitting and doing nothing. I'm not proud of that either.

I think shame on you. Yeah, shame on you for burrito eating. I mean, one thing you do know about her is that she she likes to be centered. That's right. Yeah, she likes to. She really likes to control people and make sure that she's being noticed. So I like that in the middle of your living room, please. Yeah, that was what it was. So the entire time during the pandemic, I decided to go look her up and I found out she had gone viral. Like there was a photo of hers from the military when she was, she was actually the first Muslim

woman to join the women's auxiliary corps in 1942 and she was 19 years old. And I learned that she had gone viral years ago and I never even noticed because they had just called her like first Muslim woman they never used her name in photos and I was kind of stunned by that because I had no idea about that past and that history and I knew she served in the in the war but Like to kind of find out all these things it was because of psychic cop that I kind of got closer to her and like I got to learn different things about her. And so I do. Yeah, I do believe now.

She's like always with me. I have a few questions that that I don't mean to be a skeptic at all. I believe I believe I want to believe but is there a possibility that this psychic cop had researched your grandmother ahead of time? Because if that's the case, then maybe he had some information that he knew, like, hey, put that picture of your grandmother back up, would be a little easier to pull from your pocket if you know that this lady's been viral before. That's interesting. So for context, also, the reading that my friend had from you know, Chuck Bergman was that he it was a thing where he was on stage

at a local community theater and He didn't tell this story to anybody and I guess now I'm kind of telling everybody in the world about his story he didn't want anyone to know about this, but Sorry for him, but when I when he was on stage It was for a play for it was Frost Nixon and he was wearing Pants that were too tight and they were not his like it was last minute It was like a wardrobe change that had happened and he had to pull out a prop from his pocket and his hand got stuck in his pocket the entire time and

He couldn't pull it out and he Very awkwardly on stage his hand is. His hand is stuck in his pocket. And when he finally yanked it out, he, you know, he couldn't use the matches that he had to use. The matches fell to the ground. He just pretended they were there. And when he had his reading, his reading was that Psychic Cop told him that, yeah, your grandma was there with you the night your hands were stuck in your pocket and I'm sorry if this is embarrassing, but you were somewhere on stage and that was when it was kind of like who else knew this?

Because he never put up on social media, he was very embarrassed. He used to be surprisingly ironic. He used to be a cop who turned into an actor who turned back into a cop. So the entire thing for him was just a very strange thing. But yeah, I mean, after that, I did think maybe that was why I did the reading the first time with him, like myself. But I was like, no, I want to know him. And when he said all that stuff, I was just like, that's so strange.

Because the portrait of my grandma is a very close family portrait. Nobody shares that on social media. And so even my dad had double checked with family that night like, hey, is this up on your Facebook? Is this up on Instagram? And they're like, no, it's not. And so I don't think he could have even researched my grandma because he didn't know her by name.

And she had a different maiden, obviously her maiden name was used when she joined the war and stuff. So it was, yeah. So I was just, for me, it was stunning. I mean, there are people who are probably listening who are not gonna believe it and just be like, oh, it's just somebody kind of playing on your emotions.

But I don't know, it's something. Well, thank you, Tanya, for calling in. Next up, we got Kidd from California. Hi. Hey, Kidd. What. Well, thank you, Tony, for calling in. Next up, we got Kid from California. Hi. Hey, Kid. What's up, Kid? Hi. Take your time, Kid.

Don't... It sounds like you're on a windswept plane, but yes, we can hear you. Okay, great. So in the mid-80s, and I was in my mid-20s, they're telling you where I'm an older kid. I'm not doing the math, but okay, I get it. You're old. Yeah. Yeah, you get it.

Yeah. So I had my best friend, I would get my marijuana off him, buy him. His brother-in-law was a deputy sheriff. Yeah. My best friend was getting it from him. Oh, wow. The deputy sheriff grew it on his side.

And this is in California, mid-80s, Oh, wow. The deputy sheriff grew it on his side. And this is in California, mid-80s, most of the police were pretty easy on it. Yeah. So, you know, they would take it away from you or something. And then sell it to your friend. Yeah. We were driving around and that night, out on the countryside, and we got pulled over by a sheriff.

There was a team of two and they asked what we were doing. Brown, they stopped, figured we were high or had a stash. They confiscated the stash. That's all they did. No ticket, no arrest, no anything. They confiscated the stash, and when we, after we left, were driving away, my friend tells me, oh, that was my brother-in-law.

One of them was my brother-in-law. And he took it because his partner, of course, wasn't apparently in on the, he had to confiscate it. But the next day, I got what I got confiscated back for free. He just replaced it out of his own stash. Oh, he returned your weed to you. Wow. That's nice.

These stories are really shaping up to be pro-police in a way I would have never expected. I didn't know you were such a back the blue show. Yeah, so that was pretty good. Yep, it's a thin blue line that keeps us between our weed. Alright, well thank you, kid. What a happy story. I hope you still have that weed and it's framed somewhere. Or at least you keep it in the freezer. Keep it a little more fresh. Yeah right. All right next up we got Sarah from California.

Sarah you got Andy you got Langston. Oh my god hi. Hi Sarah. Hi Sarah. Hi it's so nice to meet you guys. I'm here with my friend, Aliyah, at the beach. Nice. I see that. Okay. Yeah. So tell us your cop story. Yeah, we don't have questions about the beach, Sarah. We don't give a...

We're familiar with the beach. There's sand, there's ocean. I'm sorry. I know you're totally familiar with the beach. Yeah, I just didn't know if I was supposed to say where we were, but thank you so much for having me. The cop story basically was me and my teacher friend like we're both teachers and we We couldn't figure out like her battery died and then there was a there was a cop that was right in front of us

We were like, oh we have the cables Why don't we ask the cop to help jump start our car or at least help us find something that'll do it because We didn't have any resources for it. I don't even drive. And they're supposed to serve and protect. Yes. So we go up to him and he makes it seem like we're really just like awkward and that's weird we're asking him that. He said he legally couldn't jump start our car and then drove away and like he drove like a little bit away like enough away so he couldn't hear us like like moan about trying to get the car and then we asked like a foreign guy we asked like a guy from the Harvard ended up fixing it it was so weird.

So he just absolutely refused to help you jump start your car. Yeah and then he just parked a little bit further from us so he didn't have to hear us complain. Have you have you since looked into the law? Is that true that police can't help you jump? That doesn't feel real to me that they're not allowed to help you jump start your car. I think they were just bored. Like I really think they were just bored and tickets and they were just chilling, you know, and they were not wanting to help these girls. They also might not have known what to do.

Yeah. And then they would expose themselves. I don't know how to jumpstart a car. Do you not really? I mean, I get that you put the positive on the negative. Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much it. And then you press the gas, right? Yeah.

I think I have the concept, but I think if I'm presented with two women who need me to be a man, I might freeze up and be like, the law says I can't. Yeah, you do have to be a little bit careful, because there is a risk of electrocution. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, and I think, and there is some sort of like, you put the red first and then the black, or maybe it's the black and then the red. See, that's the stuff that scares me. Now we're getting into details.

Just do them both at the same time. Just yoink and then jump back. Get ready for the acid spray. Oh god. All right Sarah, well thanks for the call. Enjoy the beach. Thank you so much for letting me call in. I had a great time. All right 855-266-2604 is the number Andy Richter calling show next up we got Joe. Hey Andy how's it going? Good where you calling us from Joe? Pasadena and my name is Gerald. Oh Gerald. Gerald sorry about

that. Well Gerald you're Joe for this call god damn it if it's on my screen that's what you're Joe for this call. God damn it. If it's on my screen, that's what you are. If this call sucks, we change your name. That's the deal. It's always been the rule of the show. I'm sorry, Gerald. No, it was a mistake on the screen here.

So... Well, if you say my name is Joe, it's Joe now, Andy. No, it's Gerald. It's Gerald. I want you to be Gerald. I want you to be exactly who you are, honey. All right. My story. So one night when I was in college and living with my parents, my ex-girlfriend and I went out late at night and parked up in the mountains off to the side of the

road, far from society. And we spent some quality alone time together. We'd just finished some unholy business in the backseat of my car and we were putting on our undergarments when suddenly a bright light intrusively pierced the window. We were in shock because we thought we were utterly alone way up in the San Gabriel Mountains. The officer tried yanking the door open and I startled and only in my underwear went to open it. The officer immediately grabs me by the arms pulls me out and asked me to stand by the police vehicle. He then sticks me in the back seat of the said police vehicle well he checks my ex-girlfriend's ID to make sure she is of age. For a solid three

minutes I sat in the back seat of a police car in my underwear where I questioned everything I had ever done in my life to get to this point. I don't drink, do drugs,'ve never been in a fight I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket yet Here I was with only my cotton briefs between me and a seat that has held many of society's outlaws. I Thought about what I would tell my parents and how ashamed I would be telling them how I got arrested After a few minutes the officer came back and checked my ID and after reviewing my information in the police system Let me know that I was free to go and let me go back to my car. Before

leaving the officer told us not to do that here and that if we wanted a better place to express our physical affection, we would be much less disturbed in the back of a parking lot of an office building. My initial thought was that's a horrible idea and maybe he's trying to get us caught again. Needless to say, we never did try it in the parking lot of an office building and we did not go back to those mountains. After my ex-girlfriend and I, we broke up months later and I am now happily married with someone else. Nice!

You know, this, this, that felt like you were giving a court deposition. Because I think you're the first guest to have ever written his story down. It's so prepared. You had... That is wonderful, Gerald. Thank you so much. You answered every question we could have had before we had him.

Yeah. Oh, awesome. Yeah, I did write it down. I wanted to make sure I included the horrifying details from my perspective. No, I love it. It's great. So much flowery language. You really, you added prose to it. Yeah. So, wait, what state of dress was your girlfriend in?

She was also in her undergarments. She was, I guess you would say beach friendly. She had a top and underwear on. Oh, okay. I only had underwear on. Did he take a lot of time? Like, was it like a creepy thing? No, I don't think it was creepy. It was more just like, I think he was trying to make sure she was of age, first and foremost. Yeah, yeah. first and foremost, it wasn't a bad situation.

And, but the way he yanked me out, it was a little scary and he separated us. That's what they do. I don't, yeah. Joe, what religion you coming from, my man? What are you, what are you Mormon? What you got going on that makes you say undergarments instead of underwear?

I grew up very Catholic. Okay, yeah, I knew it had to be something strict, because undergarments is a 1954 word. Well, and you were also engaging in, you know, the very Catholic premarital sex. Unholy, as he described it. Unholy. Yeah. Unholy business.

Candles involved and stuff. Beyond scared. I'm sorry that happened to you, Gerald, and I hope that, um, I hope that you and your now wife are able to find some pleasure, maybe in your own home and not behind an office. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks so much. One time in Chicago, some friends of mine and I, it was three, three males and a female. Yeah. We went out and we sat on

the rocks and got really fucked up on a bottle of Jim Beam, I believe. And we all decided, it was like, let's get naked and then go sit down on the water line, which is like a ridiculously stupid thing to do. Oh, you weren't even getting in the water naked. No, we were just, no, we didn't go swimming because it's where all those big blocks are. Sure, it's horrifying. Yeah, they're like blocks the size of dorm fridges

or bigger, that's what the lakefront is at this point and it's so stupid because down there they're all slippery so it's like Climbing up very you know like lots of sharp edges to open your testicles But so we were down there on the waterline and then the we hear But so we were down there on the water line and then we hear whoop whoop and the police were driving through the park and came up and as we're getting up and I barely remember it and we're getting dressed and my friend Paul is really like she goes they're like talking to us like you know kind of being you know Chicago cops to us and like, you know, kind of being, you know, Chicago cops to us. And she goes like, why don't you just, and he's like, has this flashlight and he's like, she said like, why don't you just shine your flashlight on my tits?

You know what you want to. And he went, all right. All right. And just shined his flashlight on my tits. You know, you're going to offer it up. Right, exactly. Like there isn't a court in the land that would have convicted him of anything other than civic duty Jackie Jackie from Georgia Langston Kerman and Andy Richter here ready to hear your story

what's up Langston and Andy you have no idea what an honor it is that y'all are taking my call oh we have some idea yeah We knew you were on there. We know a little bit. I'm so excited, like my heart's beating out of my chest. Oh, thank, oh, don't be that excited, but I mean, I'm happy you're happy. Let us know about your story. What's going on? Okay, so this was 20 years ago when I was living in Atlanta, as, you know, early 20s,

I got to live at Ford Factory Loft, which is this really famous place that there's nos, I got to live at Ford Factory Lost, which is this really famous place that there's no way I could afford to live now. It used to be like 400 bucks a month. But anyway, the factory, it was like all open air, right? So my loft is on the third level. And I get home, I had a Vespa, because I worked at the Hyde Museum down the road, and it was just easier than trying to deal with traffic in the planet, right? So I parked my Vespa right outside my loft door and I lock it and all that and I go get my dog

Daisy and we walked back out and It hit me. I was like, holy crap. My Vespa's not here. Like where in the span of five minutes? I know I drove it home. Where's my Vespa at? And so my sister who happened to be there, we start walking around, you know, the upper story of the loft and all of a sudden kind of corner of my eye I see this good looking dude in a suit but he had my Vespa and was trying to wheel it even though I had the wheel locked into the elevator. And so there's little old me, I'm like no more than five feet tall, my dog Daisy and my little sister, and we're just arguing this guy,

I was like, that's my best love, that's my best love. And the poor guy who was already in the elevator thought I was arguing with my boyfriend or something, but what's awesome, this is a positive cop story, is that my neighbor worked for the Atlanta SWAT team, and he was just coming home from work and he dresses like Rambo like his work car was a bulletproof Hummer. So he was just coming home from work and it was like the guy was there and then all of a sudden the guy was on the ground.

Wow. He was just done. I pretty sure he locked the tubes. It was the most amazing day and I got my Vespa back. I had to repair a few things, but it was great. It was awesome. This might be the first story I've ever heard of SWAT getting called for a Vespa. Right. I know, right? Nobody's ever wanted to say the Vespa's is bad. It's a pretty forgettable vehicle. The sniper's in place, take the shot. I loved that thing. It was black and white, just like my little Daisy girl. I have a black and white dog named Daisy.

Is that true? I do, I have a black and white dog named Daisy. Whoa. Yeah, but she's not little, she's very big. Okay. Yeah, she's a big girl. Aw, mine is a Border Collie mix, smartest dog in the world.

That's mine is a Border Collie Great Pyrenees mix. Whoa, this is like the evolution of a Pokemon. Right, exactly. Mine is yours, but ready for battle. Yeah, you were Pikachu and now you have Raichu. I guess, I'm not sure. Listen, I knew that would land flat. I swung a swing, you know what I mean?

No, I mean, I feel like I'm out of my league. I understand the concept of how Pikachu works and that they evolve. I don't. Oh, it's just, you know, it's- They get bigger and uglier. Yeah, yeah. It's sort of the deal.

Yeah, or it's like going from pop star to movie star. Yeah, it's like you make those and then you eventually, yeah, you're in the back of a cop car and you're under work. That's awesome that Rambo-esque SWAT person. Yeah, so many positive cop stories here happening. Yeah, I'm sure the guy who was stealing the Vespa probably has a different interpretation of that evening. He lost a tooth over a Vespa feels.

It was kind of somebody else and they were high on meth and it was bad. But he was dressed so beautifully. It was bizarre. It was just all very bizarre and very lucky. And I just wanted to call and share. And also thank you guys again for an amazing show. Oh, thank you, Jackie. 855-266-2604 if you have a police story you want to tell us about. So far, again, this

is real, like back to blue this whole show. Yeah. Oh man. Wow. I think it's you, it's your fans. You draw a real pro cop crowd. One thing I say to my fans every time is, listen, the police can do no wrong. They're cool guys who have worked hard for those jobs. They don't give you a badge because you're bad. Wes, hey babe, how are you babe? Hey, I'm good Andy, how are you doing? I'm good, I'm good. You got me and Langston here.

You got a story for us about a run in with the law. Yeah, well, I don't know if you'd call this a good cop story, a bad cop story. I guess I'll leave it to the judgment of you fine gentlemen there. Excellent. I love to judge. Yeah, about 20 years ago, all right, so I was in high school. I got invited to a party an hour away from us from a friend, a new friend. Anyways, this real rich kid that's parents owned the town of this tiny little boss

hog type town. And we went to him. We went, Oh Jesus. So far this sounds, this is like, it sounded like porkies or something. Like I can't wait for the, how this ends. Well, these people owned the chicken fingers, like a small knockoff of Canes. But yeah, this is what's going on. So we get down there and it's huge. I mean there's like a golf hole on the property. People was just country as hell down there. And we come from a father, father part of Alabama. But so we're trying to blend in and all that kind of stuff.

And we started drinking and everything's going fine. I really hadn't gotten that drunk. We only been there for an hour when this guy says, hey, I want to show you, or he goes, hey man, I want to show you my house. I've never heard someone with such a thick southern accent do a thicker southern accent. That was really cool.

Yeah, like that guy was a fucking hick. Yeah, he sounded like an idiot. We got our pinkies out up here in Floor Town. I understand. Of course, of course. You're one of the good ones. Yeah, you're damn right. Yeah. While showing him my house.

You know what I'm talking about. I do. Yeah. I get on the back of this floor, I don't know this guy at all. But, you know, I like to do fun shit like that. And I'm trying to blend in with everybody else. And so, hey, let's do it. So I don't ask where he's going.

We just take off. And it's like, by, hey, let's do it. So I don't ask where he's going, we just take off. And it's like, by this point, it's like midnight. And we get, we ride around and go, that's this, that's that, whatever. Wait, you're riding around, are you in a car? No, we're in like a four wheeler, like an ATV. Oh, oh, okay, okay. But you know, I'm down for anything, whatever.

Right. I've driven, you know, I've had one, you know, that's how I feel. Right, right, no, I just, for anything whatever right driven, you know But I get it so you're driving around the ATV and just out in the woods Well, yeah, and then and then we come across come up on the town, which is not that big of a town But it's got a it's got a just a classic piggly wiggly, you know Supermarket right there in the middle of town. He cuts across The piglet parking lot and I'm still thinking all all right, don't freak out. It's not a big deal. I mean, sure, he does this all the time.

Until I heard sirens in the background, I turned around and god damn, yeah, here they are, bossing, yeah, bearing down on us. And they make it, we stop and he's behind us and he makes us wait like five to 10 minutes before he even gets out of the car. And we're just sitting there pissing ourselves. And, uh, and then next thing, you know, another cop pulls up in front of us. Another cop pulls to our left, another one to our right. And then they all come up and just, you know, lay it on thick. So I'm starting to, you know, what I'm going to say, I can get myself out of shit usually. Um,

and I was just, Oh my God, I don I don't you know sorry. Yes, sir. It's polite as I can blah blah blah They go talk One of the cops stays with us and we're sitting there talking about oh, this is gonna mess up my future Oh, blah trying to lay it on city and then the guy on the front is still pissed drunk Oh meanwhile they make us get off the four-wheeler and they make us Blow into the breathalyzer. He blows way over the legal limit. I blow like a 0.06 Yeah, but so you're underage and you're drunk. I'm underage. There's the kicker. Okay, he's driving. He's over I'm underage, but I'm under technically so

One of the guys one of the cops stays there and the guy on the front looks at him and he goes, don't I know you? And he's like, I don't think so. Good. Do you have a tattoo? This is, you can't make this shit up. He goes, do you have a tattoo on your arm that says Bubba? He's like, yeah.

He's like, dude, you're Bubba boss, brother, my sister. Oh man. So these guys just start shooting the shit from, I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was like, okay, here's our way. So, you know, I know. So I'm, um, and then he's, I was like, dude, can he just, what do we gotta do? So most are short. This guy gets me to trade places with the driver. He says, all right, you're going to drive this thing back to the party you came from and I'm going to follow you home. I was like, oh shit, bad, no problem. So we start driving and we get back to the party and keep in mind,

we left a huge party full of underage kids. Right? And so we get there, it's like cockroaches after you turn the lights on. Yeah, you left to go look at a house and brought the police back. And people are so- Hey everybody! I don't even know these people. I know the three people that I brought with me

and that's it. And then he's like, you better go inside and get everybody in that house and bring it back the fuck out here. And I'm just like, okay, I don and get everybody in that house to bring it back to fuck out here. And I'm just like, okay, I don't think they're gonna listen to me. I go in and I'm just like, come on guys, you got to do this or else he's gonna call all that these parents.

Like, I don't care if he calls parents, but just don't send me to jail. So I get, I'm lucky, I get all the people out there and then he's got us hold her around like a football team and like we're taking a knee and like he's just like Preachin and this and that and I just like slowly Kind of like creep to the back of the group and then I just wait and I ruin inside the house And I run upstairs and I find it in a huge house I find a closet and I just I stay there and I wait and this is this is pre iPhone and shit So yeah, we got no service. I got like a you know, I got Nokia

So I'm just sitting there. I sit there for like 30 minutes. It seems like an hour I finally like like it's gotta be gone gotta be done wrong. I go downstairs Peek out and like I hear like a guitar strumming and shit and I peek out Hand to God is like a campfire and shit going on. That cop is sitting there with all the kids from that party. People are still drinking and he's sitting there fucking playing guitar like, like he was invited. Oh, shit. And I'm just like, and my buddies are down there like, just mouthing, we gotta get the fuck out of here right now, dude.

I was like, okay. So we just slip on out of there and then left and we never saw those people again. Wow. That officer was Toby King. Yeah. So that officer was playing a new hit single called Beer for My Horses.

Well, that, I mean, that's a nice story. He understood. I don't know. I'm going to take the opposite. That sounds like the scariest ending that story could possibly have had is a police officer starting a cult of children listening to folk music on a guitar. It does sound like a horror movie. Like, have another step through, like like other cops show up later on.

It was like, all right, this is what we're gonna do and you gotta do what we say because now we got you under, whatever. So we were just, I got out when I had to. Yeah. Good for you for becoming a narc and escaping the police at the same time. Exactly.

You made it, Wes. Well, thanks guys. All right. You guys do great on the show. Love Conan's channel. Thank you so much. All right. Next up, we got Jesse from Texas. Jesse! No, put him in the freezer. No, Jesse, come on. Don't put him in the freezer. Come talk to us. Jesse, you gotta stop with the freezer. Come on, Jesse, come on. Don't put him in the freezer. Come talk to us. Jesse, you gotta stop with the freezer. Come on, Jesse. It's now or never, Jesse.

Jesse, what if it's grandma he's talking about? Put grandma in the freezer. Put her in the freezer. Jesse. Hello. Jesse, hello? Yeah. How you doing?

Hold on real quick. Hold on. You're putting us on hold? Yeah, yeah. What were you putting in the freezer? Oh, some meat. Some meat. Some meat. Oh, some meat. Oh, some meat. Oh, some meat. Oh, some meat. Hold on. You're putting nuts on hold? Yeah, yeah. What were you putting in the freezer?

Oh, some meat. Some meat. All right. That's vague. I like it. Yeah, yeah. That's good and vague. I don't want to know what kind of meat. Just because I don't want to get called into court. All right, Jesse. You got Andy, you got Langston Kerman. I guess you got a story for us about the law. Yeah, I mean, I have a few. I guess you want a faster one. No, just your best. Give us your A material. Exactly. We've already waited hours while you put meat away in the freezer. Well, actually, while I was on the phone, I was thinking that I remembered another one

that's quick and actually pretty good. I was maybe 20, so about 23 years ago in Austin, that's where I grew up, Austin, Texas. I was at a party and I remember going outside with a couple of people and we were you know doing some party drugs on the hood of a car and one of the guys the guy standing right next to me you know I kind of get my attention I look over at him and he kind of smiles and he slaps a badge down on the foot of the car like right next to you know a pile of cocaine basically okay and uh yeah and like on my heart just dropped i was like oh shit and then he kind of like let everybody freak out for a minute and just started laughing and then like stood

there and took like a giant line and just we were all like what the fuck And he was actually a cop he was a cop. Yeah, he just Then he arrested yeah, once he was good He didn't he just he he did drugs and parties and About it, but wow. Yeah and that was about it. But yeah, that was an experience for sure. That's nice that you, the moral of the story is cops do cocaine too. Cops love to party.

They love to party. And if you get them, you know, on the right, I think your whiteness is pretty much, that's the main thing. Yeah. You need to be white for the police to then party with you. The confidence to- I'm just assuming.

The confidence for the badge to go down, for everybody to freak out, and then he laughs, and then you all keep doing more cocaine is- Exactly. That's a white choice if I've ever heard one. Sure it is. Oh, yeah. That would have blown my high, Jesse, but not you.

You kept going. All right, well, Jesse, but not you. You kept going. All right. Well, Jesse has moved on, and so will we. We're at 855-266-2604. We got one more call. Well, we got a couple more calls. Michael from Wisconsin. Hey, how are you doing?

Good. So I guess mine is our marriage tale of me and my wife. Two months before me and my wife got married, she ended up getting a DUI in Wisconsin. And I, one month before getting married, got a DUI in Wisconsin. Oh, so you guys were meant to be together. Yeah, yeah. That's cool. Well, it also, it's Wisconsin. It happens.

Yeah, right, yeah. So in Wisconsin, you have to, while you're under court proceedings or whatever they call it, you know, you have to maintain under under a 0.02. So our wedding night, I went to town, I literally had one beer with my best man out on the deck at my house, went into town to get a gallon of milk, came back, officer was waiting at the end of my driveway and I blew a.025 or something like that. And this is your wedding day? It was the night before my wedding so my mother, God bless her soul, had to come and bail me out of jail,

out of the so-called drunk tank, the night before the wedding. Was he just making a spot check on you? Like, why is the police, like, I've never been aware of police doing follow-ups on DUIs. No, it's just a high traffic area that we lived on. And he just happened to be sitting there and You know with both of our DUIs and the small town that we lived in

I see our exactly our vehicles Exactly who we were yeah and everything like that. Why did you need that milk so bad before your wedding? It's Wisconsin, it's your wedding night. You toast a glass of milk. You bathe each other. It's a ritual bath before. You've got to have cereal in the morning.

That's right. There you go. Cereal in the morning. That's the. There you go. Yeah, cereal in the morning. Yeah. All right. That's the correct answer for sure. So your mom got you out and you got married and everything's okay and did you have to have a dry wedding then?

Me and the wife did. Yeah. As far as the other family, no. All right, no of course. Yeah, well that's important. You don't want people sober at your wedding. You don't and also they needed to take up the slack of Mr. and Mrs. DUI.

You get a little point two extra off of what I got. Exactly, and as I've been told before, the drunker they get, the more the wallets open. So our wedding gifts were very important. the drunkard they get, the more the wallets open. Oh, that's right, yeah. Our wedding gifts were very important. Before you leave, let me ask you, how many DUIs between you two now? How many more have you collected since your wedding day? Well, that was my second and that was her first. So, and it's been, uh, uh,

I guess pushing 15 years now. So yeah, we're all good. Good. I was worried you were going to be like, yeah, yeah. We kept the party going. Right. Right. Yeah. I'm speaking to you from a pay phone. We're not like the rest of the news in Wisconsin, where you hear about the person with the ninth DUI finally making it to jail. All right, Michael. Thank you for the call. All right.

That's our time, Langston. This was so fun. Thank you. It was fun. Thanks for coming by. I really, well, we usually pick a favorite story. I mean, gosh, I don't know. The psychic cop, the psychic cop felt like less

of a cop story and more of a psychic story. But it was, you know, it just, you know, like when you hear about psychic actually being accurate, it's always like, huh, how about that? She described having chills and it gave me a little bit yeah didn't it yeah so I yeah I think that's a winner but yeah it is other stories gave me chills right most of them just like oh cop cops like coke Wow cops like coke and cops like guitar cops like drinking

and and and and snorting. All right, Langston, anything you want to plug? You can you can see me live. I'm on tour for my podcast. My mama told me me and my friend David Bori are out on tour. So if you want to see us live, come out to cities near you. It's got a great title. I can't remember. My mama told me is no, but isn't there? Oh, it's the start the steel tour.

Oh, it's the start the steel tour. My mama told me. No, but isn't there a time? Oh, it's the Start the Steal Tour. Oh, it's the Start the Steal Tour. Yeah, all right. Yeah, so check us out. And also your special. Brand new special. It's on Netflix. It's called Bad Poetry.

If you like stand-up comedy and shenanigans, I'm your guy. It's really, really funny. I really love it. And I don't like to laugh. Anyway, that's another week of the Andy Richard Collins show we'll be back next week with more of this thank you for your calls and thank you for your love Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio!