The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Langston Kerman: Run-Ins with the Law (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: May 8, 2026

We're looking back at one of our favorite Andy Richter Call-In Show episodes: actor and comedian Langston Kerman ("English Teacher")! We are talking Run-Ins with the Law - stories about a psychic cop, a terrible wedding favor, law enforcement playing guitar, and much more.  Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.  
This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

You're back. We're back. Backety back. It's the Andy Rookter Call-N show. We're live coming to you from SiriusXM Studios. Give us a call. 866-25-0-4. Is that right? I don't have the paper in front of me. Oh, wait. 855-266-2604. Normally they have a paper in front of me because I'm stupid. And I can't write. remember things like the number that you're supposed to call in. There we go. Now they're putting it on the screen for me. 855-266-2-604. Give us a call. Today we're talking cop stories. Runnings with the law, with the heat, the fuzz, Johnny Law.

And here with us, we have Langston Kerman. Yeah. The very, very funny comedian. Yeah. Who just recently did my podcast, and I had such a good time with him. and he's also very available. He's got nothing but time. Buddy, you could have changed the state three times.

I'd have shown up. It's also two small children, too. When you've got little kids, it's like, oh, really? Do you need me to come somewhere and, you know? They mean nothing to me. I'm here for you and you alone. No, I mean you need to get away from them. That's what I meant.

Yeah, you take any excuse. So how are you doing? I'm good. You told me we're doing cop stories and I feel ashamed to not have great cop banter. Yeah, well, it happens. I mean, you know, it's, it really does hurt your credentials. It ain't great.

It's a black man. It ain't great. Yeah, yeah. It's not good for the brand, I'd say. You could have gone out last night and gotten, you know, fucked with somehow. Just got roughed up by me. Yeah, yeah, I just walked around, you know, like a fancy neighborhood, jump some gated community gates.

It turns out the LAPD has been nice to me is the position I'm taking, and that's not. That's not a good. Oh, yeah, yeah, that isn't good. Yeah, no, I don't really, the only ones I ever had, I only have like really one when I was home from college and I went to visit a friend of mine in the city and driving back. I was, I had my mom's car and she transferred the plates from her previous car and they put the sticker plate on the front. and in I think it was Berwyn, Illinois

which is like a little collar community I know Berwyn Yeah, Berwyn They're Just a fucking asshole cop Like Made a big deal

Yeah, I'm like you know Like when he gave me my license back Like threw it at me Oh shit Yeah just talk shit like from the get go Whoa It was like you know you got no plates You know your plates are expired

There's no sticker on your plates and I was like, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. But you did. I did. And all of this is logical. Yeah.

And then he got, because he went and raidered it in and then figured it out and then came back and was just seemed to be extra mad too that he didn't get to get to. He probably wanted to be able to rough you up. Yeah. To give me a ticket or something. And I just was like, and it's so frustrating because I mean like I got to tell anybody. But it is like you cannot really like they just have. leverage on you. Like it really

does take something to... Well, it's a job that shouldn't exist. You know what I mean? Like, it's completely made up. I don't know about that. I don't know about that, you know? I mean, it is kind of like somebody's got it. Like, when somebody breaks into your house, there should be somebody to call. I think so, but I don't

necessarily know that the person that you call should necessarily be the same type of authority that enforces parking and traffic and all, like, it's a little too much of a all-encompassing position

which means that it creates the power vacuum to your point that you can't escape from. And it does attract bullies and it attracts gun nuts. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I mean there's like it's just an open door policy for yes, civic

minded people that want to do good but then also like fucking weirdos that are just fucking waiting to tell everybody what to do. I keep hearing about civic-minded ones. I know. And where are they?

I seem to be my experience. Yeah. Yeah. I remember in Amsterdam, this is truly my only sort of like real, real experience with, with the police in any recent memory.

But we went to Amsterdam and our Airbnb got broken into. Like the first night, we come back high and drunk and all the things that you are in Amsterdam. Yeah. And somebody had broken the glass and, like, stolen a bunch of shit

out of the Airbnb. And so we called the police. And they were, comically useless, like truly unhelpful in every way, shape, or form. Like, why would you leave your stuff out in the place where you're staying? That seems like your fault. In the locked apartment. Yeah, and it's like, well, I guess I can't tell if this is the police or if this is just

Dutch police. You know what I mean? Like, if this is just the way y'all are or this is like the police in general. But yeah, but yeah, it feels like at best you're getting weird personalities. for those positions. Yeah, yeah, it is. It's a strange thing. One thing that always has struck me about the police,

and I don't know where I read this, but like when the, one of the founding principles of police, like when they came into being, like let's have, you know, beyond like Roman centurions or whatever. Yeah. Police was that the notion of them

is that they're supposed to be working on their own obsolescence. Like that's part of their job is to help, society get to a point where they're not needed anymore, which I don't know if you have ever encountered other people that work for a living and get a paycheck doing something. They don't spend a lot of time. Yeah.

You know, like you're not going to see a lot of dishwasher repair people trying to create unfixable, you know. The folks that Apple aren't trying to make the perfect phone and free us from needing to buy a new one. Right. Exactly. Like this is the phone, the only phone you'll ever need. No, no, no. We're done.

We're out the game. No, no. Yeah, I, I, my only knowledge of where the police came from is slavery, that they were originally, I think police, as they were originally sort of created in this country, was for the purpose of recatching slaves and managing slaves who had escaped. And then it became sort of an all, all enforcing job years later. Yeah. How nice. Yeah. How nice.

While we're at it. since you're here we might as well ride a few parking this guy's riding his horse pretty fast if you don't mind hold on there buddy all right let's go to the calls

with that sweet slavery segue always have to bring slavery into it it is such a fucking boner killer Andy you talk to me before I brought it up the first time I'm not going to not bring it up again yeah it's like if getting a sandwich with you

I know who would elects which is slaves. Slaves. They didn't get to try them. They could have bread or they could have meat. But to put the two together? To mix them? No, no. Never. Never. Let's go to the phones.

We're at 855-266-2-604. Give us a call if you've got some good stories about the police. Let's go to Tanya from Toronto. Calling in International. Hi, guys. So happy to be on the show and to talk about my run-in with cops. Mine's a little unconventional. I had a psychic reading a couple of years ago with a guy named Chuck Bergman who goes by the name psychic cop.

And it does sound like something from a TV show, but it's real. He also used to be on this A&E show called Psychic Search. And basically, I saw he was giving readings one day, and I was really curious. and so I called in. Wait, can I just, can I stop you for one second? Just because what does that mean psychic cop? Is he solving crimes? Is he like, okay.

So it's like my wedding ring has been stolen, help me find where it is psychic cop? Or is it like my sister's missing, help me find her? A little bit of both. He helped with cold cases while he was at the, he's a 20-year veteran of the Salem, Massachusetts Police Department. That's where the witches are from. Oh, he's got some of that magic. Wow. So, no, he did a lot of that stuff for years.

And I had learned about him from a friend of mine who had done a podcast interview with him. And then I was like kind of following him on Facebook. And so I saw he was giving free readings. And I decided to call because I was sort of a skeptic, even though the reading he had given my friend the first time was actually very on point. It was very spooky and kind of creepy. but so I was like, let me try it for myself. And so I called in and, um, so you're not weird. You're not calling him because you have a missing item or person.

You're just calling him for a good read. Yeah, just for a good read to see if he's like really up to paro and what he says he is. And so I'm a blower after this, though, because when I spoke to him first, like I was kind of getting like cold readings where it was like he was talking about how my grandma was really interested in the tiles. in our house and I was like I don't know what that means um I don't know why she would be interested in tiles and then uh he said something that really sent a shiver down my spine which was how uh he said that she's asking me to tell you to put the the picture frame back and I was like thinking my head like what is he talking about and then I realized when he started describing it saying it's a portrait of her in a white gown and uh it's in a brown frame or

something and I remembered I had taken down a portrait of her when we got a new IKEA Besta. Like sorry grandma but the Besta had to go up and I kind of moved things around and I put it in a box and only my sister and I knew about it. We never shared anything about it on social media. Even the photo has never been on social media. It was a very personal sort of, you know, family portrait we had of hers and I never met her and so, you know, when he told me that I I started freaking out and I was like, okay, well, this is very weird. And it was too specific. That's what was kind of throwing me off that, you know, he can say one thing where it's like your grandparents were in the war and I see like a helmet.

Yeah. You know, but it was different. It was not like that. So when he said that to me, I just kind of felt like I had seen a ghost or I felt something. It was just very weird sort of reaction. And then that same night, I had gone down in the basement and I pulled out her portrait. and it was funny because during the reading when he was talking about her, he was like saying that she was in the room with him and us,

like we were when we were talking. And he said that he was wagging her finger in a playful way like, hey, get her to get that portrait back up. And I was just like, what? Like I was completely flabbergasted. I was shocked. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. So I have that portrait now up every time. And it's because of a psychic cop. What a silly way to be pro. police. I like that. Yeah, if only this could be ever... It's a nice way to start it out, though. Yeah, I like this.

What did you, did you consider for a second, like saying no, look, I, you know, fuck you, granny. You're staying in the basement? It was a pretty expensive piece of furniture we bought. Right, exactly. Look, I have planned the feng shui

out and it's, you know, this is not, I don't want that old woman staring at it. You weren't exactly hot in your dress grandma we're putting you away yeah no i i'm sure she had a sense of humor but i i have it up i was i love my grandma i've never met her she passed before i was born so i always kind of tried to find things but it was a very interesting thing that i basically spent the entire pandemic with her then because it was like she was in our in our home and i kept her portrait behind me like it's literally now where i work at my my desk she's always sort of looking over my shoulder

So I had her like with me But it was the entire pandemic actually I was so interested in what more I could know About her because I was like is she really a spirit? Is she really around? This is kind of awkward because sometimes I will still on the couch Just eating burritos and I'm like my grandma's like probably not proud of that But like I'll just be sitting and doing nothing

I'm not proud of that either I don't know on you Yeah shame on you for burrito eating I mean one thing you do know about her is that she she likes to be centered That's right yeah she likes to She really likes to control people and make sure that she's being noticed. She's like that in the middle of your living room, please.

Yeah, that was what it was, though. The entire time during the pandemic, I decided to look her up, and I found out she had gone viral. Like, there was a photo of hers from the military when she was actually the first Muslim woman to join the Women's Auxiliary Corps in 1942, and she was 19 years old. And I learned that she had gone viral years ago, And I never even noticed because they had just called her like first Muslim woman.

They never used her name in photos. And I was kind of stunned by that because I had no idea about that past and that history. And I knew she served in the war. But like to kind of find out all these things, it was because of psychic cop that I kind of got closer to her. And like I got to learn different things about her. And, uh, wow. So I do. Yeah, I do believe now she's like always with me.

Okay. I have, I have a few questions. that I don't mean to be a skeptic at all. I believe, I believe, I want to believe. But is there a possibility that this psychic cop had researched your grandmother ahead of time? Because if that's the case, then maybe he had some information that he knew. Like, hey, put that picture of your grandmother back up. Would be a little easier to pull from your pocket if you know that this lady's been viral before.

So for contacts also, the reading that my friend had from, you know, Chuck Bergman was that he, it was a thing where he was on stage at a local community theater and he didn't tell this story to anybody. And I guess now I'm kind of telling everybody in the world about his story. He didn't want anyone to know about this. But when he was on, sorry for him. But when I, when he was on stage, it was for a play for it was Frost Nixon and he was wearing pants that were too tight and they were not his, like it was last minute. It was like a wardrobe change that had happened. And he had to pull out a, prop from his pocket and his hand got stuck in his pocket the entire time and he couldn't pull it

out and he just had his hand very awkwardly on stage his hand is stuck on his pocket and when he finally yanked it out he you know he couldn't use the uh the matches that he had to use the matches fell to the ground he just pretended they were there and when he had his reading his reading was that psychic cock the sky psychic cop told him that yeah you uh i was you're a great you're great grandma was there with you the night your hands were stuck in your pocket and I'm sorry if this is embarrassing, but you were somewhere on stage and that was when it was kind of like, who else knew this? Because he never put up on social media who was very embarrassed. He used to be surprising ironic. He used to be a cop who, he used to be a cop who turned into an actor who turned back into a

cop. So the entire thing for him was just a very strange thing. But yeah, I mean, after that, I did think maybe, you know, that was why I did the reading the first. time with him like myself. But I was like, no, I want to, I want to know him. When he said all that stuff, I was just like, that's so strange. Because the portrait of my grandma is a very, just like very close family sort of portrait. Nobody shares that on social media. Right.

And so even my dad has double checked with family that night. Like, hey, is this up on your Facebook? Is this up on Instagram? And they're like, no, it's not. And so I don't think he could have even researched my grandma because he didn't know her by name. And, you know, she had a different maiden. Obviously, her maiden name was, you know, used when she joined the war and stuff. So it was, you know, yeah. So I was just, for me, it was stunning. I mean, there are people who are probably listening who are not going to believe it and just be like,

oh, it's just somebody kind of playing on your emotions. But I don't know. It's something. Well, thank you, Tanya for calling in. Next up, we got Kid from California. Hi. Hey, kid. What's up, kid? Hi. Take your time, kid. It sounds like you're on a week. In-swept plain, but yes, we can't hear you.

Okay, great. So in the mid-80s, and I was in my mid-20s, so there it tells you where I'm an older kid. I'm not doing the math, but okay, I get it. You're old. Yeah. Yeah, you get it. Yeah. So I had my best friend, I would get my marijuana off him by him.

His brother-in-law was a deputy sheriff. Yeah. My best friend was getting it from him. Oh, wow. The deputy sheriff grew it on the side. And this is in California, mid-80s. Most of the police were pretty easy on it. Yeah.

So, you know, they would take it away from you or something. And then sell it to your friend. Yeah. We were driving around. And that night on the country side, and we got pulled over by sheriff. There was a team of two. And they found, they stopped, figured we had, were high, had a stash. They confiscated the stash.

It's all they did, no ticket, no arrest, no everything. They confiscated the stash. And when we, after we left, we're driving away. My friend tells me, oh, that was my brother-in-law. One of them was my brother-in-law. Wow. And he took it because his partner, of course, wasn't apparently in on the... Right.

He had to confiscated. But the next day, I got what I got confiscated back for free. He just replaced it out of his own stash. Oh, he returned your weed to you. Wow. That's nice. These stories are really shaping up to be pro-police in a way I would have never expected. I didn't know you were such a back-the-blue show.

Yep. Yeah, so that was pretty good. It's a thin blue line that keeps us between our weed. I don't know. All right. Well, thank you, kid. Yeah, that's just nice. What a happy story.

I hope you still have that weed and it's framed somewhere. Or at least you keep it in the freezer. Keep it a little more fresh. Yeah, right. All right. Next up, we got Sarah from California. Sarah. You got Andy.

You got Langston. Oh, my God. Hi. Hi. Hey, Sarah. Hi, Sarah. Hi, it's so nice to meet you guys. I'm here with my friend Alia at the beach.

Nice. Okay. So tell us your cop story. Yeah, we don't have questions about the beach, Sarah. We're familiar with the beach. There's sand, there's ocean. I'm sorry. I know you're totally familiar with the beach.

Yeah, I just didn't know if I was supposed to say where we were. But thank you so much for having me. Like, the cop story basically was me and my teacher friend. Like, we're both teachers, and we could have. figure out like her battery died and then there was a there was a cop that was right in front of us who were like oh we have the cables why don't we ask the cop to help jump start our car or at least help us find something that'll do it because we didn't have any resources for it and i don't even drive and they're supposed to serve and protect yes yes so we go out to him and he makes it seem like we're really just like awkward and that's weird we're asking that he said he legally couldn't jump start our car and then we're drove away and like he drove like a little bit away like enough away so we couldn't hear us like like moan about trying to get the car and then we asked like a foreign guy we asked like a guy from Harvard ended up fixing it it was so weird so he he just absolutely refused to help you

jump start your car yeah and then he just parked a little bit further from us so he didn't have to hear us complain have you have you since looked into the law is that true that police can't help you jumped. That doesn't feel real to me that they're not allowed to help you jumpstart your car? I think they were just bored. Wow. Like, I really think they were just bored and they were doing tickets and they were just chilling, you know, and they were not wanting to help these girls. They also might not have known what to do. Yeah. And then they would expose themselves. I don't know how to jumpstart a car. Do you not really? I mean, I get that you put the positive on the negative. Yeah, yeah.

That's pretty much it. And then you press. the gas, right? Yeah. I think I have the concept, but I think if I'm presented with two women who need me to be a man, I might freeze up and be like, the law says I can't. Yeah, there is some, you do have to be a little bit careful, like, because there is a risk of electrocution. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But, you know, and I think, and there is some sort of like you put the red first and then the black, or maybe it's the black and then the red. See, that's the stuff that's scary. Yeah, yeah. Now we're getting into details. Just doing both at the same time. Just yonk and then jump back. Get ready for the acid spray.

Oh, God. All right, Sarah. Well, thanks for the call. Enjoy the beach. Thank you so much for letting me call in. I had a great time. All right. Thank you.

God bless you. All right. 855-266-2-604 is the number. Andy Richard Collin show. Next up, we got Joe. Hey, Andy. How's it going? Good.

Where are you calling us from, Joe? Pasadena. And my name is Gerald. Oh, Gerald. Gerald, sorry about that. Well, Gerald, you're Joe for this call. God damn it. If it's on my screen, that's what you are.

If this call sucks, we change your name. That's the deal. It's always been the world of this show. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Gerald. No, it was a mistake on the screen here. Well, if you say my name's Joe, it's Joe now, Andy. No, it's Gerald. That's Gerald.

I want you to be Gerald. I want you to be exactly who you are, honey. All right. My story. So one night when I was in college and living with my parents, Mike's girlfriend and I went out late in night and parked up in the mountains off to the side of the road, far from society. And we spent some quality alone time together. We'd just finished some unholy business in the backseat of my car and we were putting on our undergarments when suddenly a bright light intrusively pierced the window.

We were in shock because we thought we were earlier alone way up in the San Gabriel Mountains. The officer tried yanking the door open, and I startled and only in my underwear went to open it. The officer immediately grabs me by the arms, pulls me out, and asks me to stand by the police vehicle. He then sticks me in the backseat of the said police vehicle, well, he checks my ex-girlfriend's ID to make sure she is of age. For a solid three minutes, I sat in the back seat of a police car in my underwear, where I questioned everything I had ever done in my life to get to this point. Oh.

I don't drink, do drugs, have never been in a fight. I've never even had so much as a speeding ticket, yet here I was with only my cotton briefs between me and a seat that has held many of society's outlaws. I thought about what I would tell my parents and how ashamed I would be, telling them how I got arrested. After a few minutes, the officer came back and checked my ID, and after reviewing my information in the police system, let me know that I was free to go and let me go back to my car. Before leaving, the officer told us not to do that here, and that if we wanted a better place to express our physical affection, we would be much less disturbed in the back of a parking lot of an office building. My initial thought was that's a horrible idea,

and maybe he's trying to get us caught again. He knew this to say we never did try it in the parking lot of an office building, and we did not go back to those mountains. As for my ex-girlfriend and I, we broke up months later, and I am now happily married with someone else. Nice. You know, this, this, this, that felt like you were giving a court deposition. I think you're the first guest who have ever written his story down.

It's, it's so prepared. You had, congrats. That is wonderful, Gerald. Thank you so much. You answered every question we could have had before we had them. Yeah. Oh, awesome. Yeah, I did write it down.

I wanted to make sure I included the horrifying details from my. perspective. No, I love it. So much, so much flowery language. You really, you added pros to him. So wait, was you, what state of, what state of dress was your girlfriend in? She was also in her undergarment. She was, I guess he would say beach friendly. She had a top and underwear on. Okay. But I mean, did he take a lot of time? Like, was it like a creepy thing? No, I don't think it was creepy. It was more. more just like, I think he was trying to make sure she was of age, first and foremost. Yeah, yeah. It wasn't a bad situation.

And but the way he yanked me out, it was a little scary and he separated us. That's what they do. I don't. Joe, what, what religion you coming from, my man? What are you, what are you Mormon? What's you got going on that makes you say undergarments instead of underwear? I grew up very Catholic. Okay.

Yeah, I knew it had to be something strict because undergarments is a 1954 word. Yeah. Well, and you're also engaging in, you know, the very Catholic premarital sex. Unholy, he described it. Unholy. Unholy business. Candles involved and stuff. I was, yon scared.

All right. I'm sorry that happened to, Gerald, and I hope that you and your now wife. are able to find some pleasure, maybe in your own home and not behind an office. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Annie. Thanks so much. One time in Chicago, some friends of mine and I, it was three males and a female.

Yeah. We went out and we sat on the rocks and got really fucked up on a bottle of Jim Beam, I believe. And we all decided like it was like, let's get naked and then go sit down like on the water line, which is like a ridiculously stupid thing to do. Oh, you weren't even getting in the water naked. No, we were just, no, we didn't go swimming because it's where all those big blocks are. Sure, it's horrifying. Yeah, they're like blocks the size of dorm fridges or bigger. That's what the lake front is at this point.

And it's also stupid because down there, they're all slippery. So it's like climbing up very, you know, like lots of sharp edges to open your testicles. But so we were down there on the water line and then the we hear whoop, whoop. And the police were driving through the park and came up and as we're getting up. And I barely remember it and we're getting dressed. And my friend Paul is really like she goes, they're like talking to us and like, You know, kind of being, you know, Chicago cops to us. Yeah.

And she goes, like, why don't she, and he's like, had this flashlight. And he's like, she said, like, well, don't want you just shine your flashlight on my tits. You know what you want to? And he went, all right. All right. And just shined his flashlight on your tits. Yeah, you know. You're going to offer it up, baby girl.

Right, exactly. Like, there isn't a court in the land that would have convicted him of anything other than civic duty. Jackie. Jackie from Georgia Langston Kerman and Andy Richter are here ready to hear your story What's up? Langston and Andy You have no idea what an honor

It is that y'all are taking my call Oh we have some idea We know you were honest I know a little bit I'm so excited Like my heart's beating out of my chest Oh thank you oh don't be that excited But I mean I'm happy you're happy

Let us know about your story What's going on Okay so this was 20 years ago when I was living in Atlanta, you know, early 20s, I got to live at Ford Factory Lof, which is this really famous place that there's no way I could afford to live now. It used to be like 400 bucks a month. But anyway, the factory, it was like all open air, right? So my loft is on the third level.

And I get home. I had a VESPA because I worked at the High Museum down the road, and it was just easier than trying to deal with traffic and the planner, right? So I parked my vespba right outside my loft door, and I lock it and all that. And I go get my dog Daisy, and we walk back out, and it hit me. I was like, holy crap, my vesp is not here. Like, where in the span of five minutes? I know I drove at home.

Where's my vespat? And so my sister who happened to be there, we start walking around, you know, the upper story of the loft. And all of a sudden kind of the corner of my eye, I see this good-looking dude in a suit, but he had my Vespa and was trying to wheel it, even though I had the wheel lock into the elevator. And so there's little old me. I'm like no more than five feet tall, my dog Daisy and my little sister, and we're just arguing this guy.

I was like, that's my Vesla, that's my Vesla. And the poor guy who was already in the elevator thought I was arguing with my boyfriend or something. But what's awesome, this is the positive cop story, is that my neighbor worked for the Atlanta SWAT team, and he was just coming home from work and he dressed as like Rambo like his work car was a bulletproof hammer so he was just from work and it was like the guy was there and then all of a sudden the guy was on the ground wow I pretty soon locked the tooth it was the most amazing day and I got my Vespa's but I had to repair a few things but it was great it was awesome this might be the first story I've ever heard of SWAT getting called for a Ves

Right. I know, right. Nobody's ever wanted to save a Vespa this bad. It's a pretty forgettable. The sniper's in place. Take this shot. I loved that thing. It was black and white, just like my little Daisy girl.

I have a black and white dog named Daisy. Is that true? I do. I have a black and white dog named Daisy. Whoa. Yeah, but she's not little. She's very big. Okay.

Yeah, she's a big girl. Mine is a border collie mix, smartest dog in the world. That's mine is a border collie, great Pyrenees mix. Whoa. this is like the evolution of a Pokemon. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

This is, yeah, mine is yours, but, you know, ready for battle. Yeah, you were Pikachu and now you have Ritechu. I guess. I'm not sure. Listen, I knew that would land flat. I swung a swing. You know what I mean? No, I mean, I just, I feel like I'm out of my league.

I understand the concept of how Pikachu works and that they evolve, you know. Oh, it's just, you know, it's, they get bigger and earlier. Yeah. Sort of the deal. It's, yeah, or it's like going from pop star to movie star. Yeah, it's like you make those, and then eventually you're in the back of a cop card and your underwear. That's awesome, that that Rambo-esque SWAT person. So many positive cop stories here happening.

Yeah, I'm sure the guy, I'm sure the guy who was stealing the VESPA probably has a different interpretation of that evening. Right, right. He lost a tooth over a VESPA feels. It was him as somebody else, and they were high on mess, and it was bad. Oh, wow. He was dressed so beautifully. It was bizarre. It was bizarre and very lucky.

And I just wanted to call and share. And also thank you guys again for an amazing show. Oh, thank you, Jackie. 855-266-2-4. If you have a police story, you want to tell us about, so far, again, this is real, like, back-the-blue this whole show. Yeah. Oh, man. Wow.

I think it's you. It's your fans. You draw a real pro-cop crowd. One thing I say to my fans every time is, listen, the police can do no wrong. They're cool guys. Yeah. Yeah. Who have worked hard for those jobs.

They don't give you a badge because you're bad. Wes. Hey, babe. How are you, babe? Hey, I'm good. Hey, Andy, how are you doing? I'm good. You got me in Langston here.

You got a story for him. about a run in with the law. Yeah, well, I don't know if you'd call this a good cop story, a bad cop story. I guess I'll leave it to the judgment of you fine gentlemen there. Excellent. I love to judge. Yeah, about 20 years ago. All right, so I was in high school.

I got invited to a party. I got an hour away from us from a friend, I knew a friend. Anyway, since we're a little rich kid that parents owned the town, this tiny little boss-hawk type town that we went to him. we went oh jesus um so far this sounds this is like it sounded like porkies or something yeah like i can't wait for the how this end well these these people owned the the chicken finger it's like a small knockoff of canes anyway but yeah um yeah this is what's going on so um we get down there and it's huge i mean there's like a there's like a golf hole on the property

um people is just country's hell um down there and And we come from a father, a finer part of Alabama. But so we're trying to blend in and all that kind of stuff. And we started drinking and everything's going fine. I really hadn't gotten that drunk. We only been there for an hour when this guy says, Hey, I want to show you. Or he goes, hey, man, I'm going to show you my house.

I've never heard someone with such a thick southern accent do a thicker southern accent. That was really cool. Yeah, like that guy was a fucking hick. Yeah, he sounded. like an idiot. We got her, we got her pinkies out up here in Flood Town. I understand. Of course, of course.

You're one of the good ones. Yeah, damn right. Yeah. All showing you my house. You know what I'm talking about. I do. Yeah. We, um, we, we get on the back of this floor.

I don't know this guy at all. But, you know, I like to do fun shit like that. And I'm trying to blend in with everybody else. And so, hey, let's do it. So I don't ask. where he's going we just take off and it's like by this point it's like midnight and um we get we go ride around and go this that's that whatever wait you're riding around are you in a car no we're in like a four-wheeler like an at tv oh oh okay okay but you know i'm down for anything whatever right driven you know

i've had right right no i just but i get it so you're driving around the ATV and just out in the woods uh well yeah and then and then we come across come up on the town which is is not that big of the town, but it's got a, it's got a just classic pigly-wiggly, you know, supermarket right there in the middle of town. He cuts across the pig-go-ledged parking lot, and I'm still thinking, all right, don't freak out. It's a big deal. I mean, sure, he does this all the time, until I heard sirens at the background. I'll turn around and, God damn.

Yeah, here they are. Boston, yeah, bearing down on us. And they make it, we stop, and he's behind us. And when he makes us wait, like, five to ten minutes before he even gets out of the car. send their piss in ourselves. And then next thing, you know, another cop pulls up in front of us. Another cop pulls to our left, another one to our right. And then they all come up and just, you know, lay it on sick.

So I'm starting to, you know, I was all right. What I'm going to say? I can get myself out of shit usually. And I was just, oh, my God. I don't, you know, sorry, yes, sir, as polite as I can, blah, blah, blah, blah. They go talk. one of the cops stays with us and we're sitting there talking about

oh this is going to mess up my future blah blah blah trying to lay in on sick and then the guy in the front is still pissed drunk oh meanwhile they make us get off the four-wheeler and they make us blow into the breath liser he blows way over the legal limit I blow like a 0.06

Yeah but so you're underage and you're drunk I'm underage there's the kicker okay he's driving he's over I'm underage, but I'm under technically. So one of the guys, one of the cops stays there, and the guy on the front looks at him and he goes, did I know you? He's like, I don't think so.

He goes, do you have a tattoo? You can't make the shit up. He goes, do you have a tattoo on your arm that says Bubba? He's like, yeah. He's like, do you're Baba Blah's brother, his mom's sister. Oh, man. So these guys just start shooting the shit from, I'm seeing the light of the tunnel.

I'm like, okay, here's our way. Oh, man. So, you know, I know. So I was like, dude, can he just, what do we got to do? So most to a short, this guy gets me to trade places with the driver. He says, all right, you're going to drive this thing back to the party you came from. And I'm going to follow you home. I was like, oh, shit, bet, no problem.

So we start driving and we get back to the party. And keep in mind, we like a huge party full of underage. right and so we get there it's like cockroaches after you turn the lights on yeah you you left to go look at a house and brought the police back everybody I don't even know I don't even know these people like for I know like the three people are brought wrong with me and that's it and then he's like you better go inside and get everybody in that house and bring it back the fuck out here and I'm just like okay I don't think they're going to listen to me but I go in and I was just like, come on, guys.

You guys can't do this or else he's going to call that dude's parents. I'm like, I don't care of shit. Call the parents, but just don't send me to jail. Right. So I get, I look, I get all the people out there. And now he's got us hold around like a football team and like, we're taking it. And like, he's just like, like, pre-soon, this and that. And I just like slowly kind of like creep to the back of the group.

And then I just wait. And then I run inside the house. And I run upstairs and I find a huge house. I find a closet. And I just, I stay there. And I wait. And this is pre-i-phone and shit. So, like, we ain't got no service.

I got, like, a, you know, like, a Nokia. So I'm just sitting there. I sit there for, like, 30 minutes. It seems like an hour. I finally, like, it's got to be gone. It's got to be done. Wrong. I go downstairs.

And I peek out. And, like, I hear, like, a guitar strumming and shit. And I peek out, hand to God. There's like a campfire and shit going on. That cop is sitting there with all the kids from that party. people are still drinking and he's sitting there fucking playing guitar

like he was invited and shit and I'm just like and my buddies my buddies down there like his mouthing was like

we gotta get the fuck out of here right now dude I was okay so we just flip on out of there and then left and we never saw us people again wow that that officer

was Toby Ken yeah that officer was playing a new hit single call beer for my horses well that I mean that's a nice story he understood

I don't know I'm going to take the I'm going to take the opposite that sounds like the scariest ending that story could have possibly had is a police officer starting a cult of children listening to folk music on a guitar It does sound like a horror movie like a horror movie like has another step

to like other cops show up later on is like all right this is we're going to do and you got to do what we say because now we got you under, whatever. So we were just, I got out when I had to. Yeah. Good for you for becoming a dark and escaping the police at the same time. Exactly. You made it, Wes.

Awesome. Well, thanks, guys. All right. You guys do great on this show. Love Conan's channel. Thank you so much. All right. Next up, we got Jesse from Texas. Jesse.

No, put him in the freezer. No, Jesse, come on. Don't put him in the freezer. Come talk to us. Jesse, you got to stop with the freezer. Come on, Jesse. It's now we're never, Jesse. What if it's grandma he's talking about?

Put her in the freezer. Jesse. Hello. Jesse. Hello? Yeah. How you doing? Hold on a little quick.

Hold on. You're putting nuts on a hole? You hear me better now. Yeah, yeah. What were you putting in the freezer? Oh, some. meat. Some meat.

All right. That's vain. I like it. Yeah. That's good and vague. I don't want to know what kind of meat. I just because I don't want to get called into court. All right, Jesse.

You got Andy. You got Langston-Kerman. I guess you got a story for us about the law. Yeah. I mean, I have a few. I guess you want a faster one. No, just your best. Give us your A material.

Exactly. We've already waited. hours while you put meat away. While you put meat away in the freezer. Well, actually, while I was on the phone, I was thinking that I remembered another one that's quick and actually pretty good. I was maybe 20, so about 23 years ago in Austin. That's where I grew up, Austin, Texas. I was at a party, and I remember going outside with a couple of people, and we were, you know, doing

some party drugs on the hood of a car and one of the guys, the guy standing right next to me he kind of gets my attention and I look over at him and he kind of smiles and he flaps a badge down on the foot of the car like right next to

you know, a pile of cocaine basically. Okay. And yeah, and like on my heart just dropped. I was like, oh shit. And then he kind of like let everybody freak out for a minute and just start laughing. and then like stood there and took like a giant wine and just we were all like what the fuck

and he was actually a cop he was a cop yeah he just and then he arrested yeah once he was good and high he didn't he just he did drugs and partied and that was about it but wow yeah that was a an experience for sure. Yeah, yeah. That's nice that you, the moral of the story is cops do cocaine too. Cops love to party. Yeah,

they love to party. And if you get them, you know, on the right, I think your whiteness is pretty much, that's the main thing. Yeah. Yeah,

you need to be white for the police to then party with you. The confidence to, I'm just assuming. The confidence for the badge to go down, for everybody to freak out, and then he laughs, and then you all keep doing more cocaine.

That's exactly. That's a white. choice if I've ever heard of one. Oh, yeah. That would have blown my high, Jesse, but not you. You kept going on. All right. Well, Jesse has moved on, and so we're at 855-266-2-604.

We got one more call. Well, we've got a couple more calls. Michael from Wisconsin. Hey, how are you doing? Good. So, I guess mine is our marriage tale of, of me and my wife. Two months before me and my wife got married, she ended up getting a DUI in Wisconsin.

And I, one month before getting married, got a DUI in Wisconsin. Oh, so you guys were meant to be together. Yeah, yeah. Well, it also is Wisconsin. It happens. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

So in Wisconsin, you have to, while you, you're under court proceedings or whatever they call it, you know, you have to maintain under a 0.02. Oh. So our wedding night, I went to town. I literally had one beer with my best man out on the deck at my house, went into town to get a gallon of milk, came back. officer was waiting at the end of my driveway and I blew a 0.025 or something like that. And this is your wedding day? It was the night before my wedding.

So my mother, God bless her soul, had to come and bail me out of jail out of the so-called drunk tank. Well, no, wait a minute. The night before the wedding. Was he just making a spot check? on you? Like, why is the police, like, I'm not, I've never been aware of, like, police doing follow-ups on DUIs. No, it's just a high traffic area that we lived on. And, and he was, just happened to be sitting there. And, you know, with both of our DUIs and the small town that we lived in or whatever,

he knew exactly our vehicles. I see. Exactly our vehicles, exactly who we were, and everything like that. And why did you need that milk so bad before your wedding? It's Wisconsin. It's your wedding night. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. You toast a glass of glass of glass.

Yeah, yeah, you'd bathe each other. It's a ritual bath before. It's got to have cereal in the morning. That's right. There you go. Cereal in the morning. That's the correct answer for you. So did you, so your mom got you out and you got married?

and everything's okay, and did you have to have a dry wedding then? Me and the wife did? Yeah. As far as the other family? No. Oh, right. No, of course. Yeah.

Well, that's important. You don't want people sober at your wedding. You don't. And also they needed to take up the slack of Mr. and Mrs. DUI. You get a little point two extra off of what I got. Exactly. And as I've been told before, the, you know, the drunker they get, more of the wallet's open.

Oh, that's right, yeah. Our wedding gifts were very important. Before you leave, let me ask you, how many DUIs between you two now? How many more have you collected since your wedding day? Well, that was my second, and that was her first. And it's been, I guess, pushing 15 years now. So, yeah, we're all good. Good. I was worried you were going to be like, yeah, yeah.

We kept the party going. Right, right. Yeah. I'm speaking to you from a pay phone. It's actually a collect call. Yeah, yeah. We're not like the rest of the news in Wisconsin where you hear about the person with the 9th DUI finally making it to jail. All right, Michael. Well, thank you for the call. All right. That's our time, Langston. This was so fun.

Thank you. It was fun. Thanks for coming by. I really, well, we usually pick a favorite story. I mean, gosh, I don't know. The psychic cop, the psychic cop felt like less of a cop story and more of a psychic story. But it was, you know, like when you hear about psychic actually being accurate, it's always like, huh, how about that? She described having chills and it gave me the chills a little bit. Yeah, didn't it? Yeah. So I, yeah, I think that's a winner.

Yeah, it is. One of these other stories gave me chills. Right. Most of them just like, oh, cops like Coke. Wow. Cops like Coke and cops like guitar. Cops like drinking and and snorting. All right, Langston, anything you want to plug?

You can see me live. I'm on tour for my podcast. My Mama told me, me and my friend David Bori are out on tour. So if you want to see us live, come out to cities near you. It's got a great title. I can't remember. My mama told me. No, but isn't there a time?

Oh, it's the Start the Steel Tour. Oh, it's the Start the Steel Tour. Yeah, all right. And also your special. Brand new special. It's on Netflix. It's called Bad Poetry. If you like stand-up comedy and shenanigans, I'm your guy.

It's really, really funny. I really love it. And I don't like to laugh. Anyway, that's another week of the Andy Richard Collins show. We'll be back next week with more of this. Thank you for your calls. Thank you for your love.