The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Laurie Kilmartin

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Comedian and former “CONAN” writer Laurie Kilmartin joins Andy Richter to discuss her path to CONAN, the true purpose of the late night monologue, tweeting through tragedy, her upcoming comedy special, and much more. 

Hi everybody, you have tuned in once again to The Three Questions and I am the host of The Three Questions, Andy Richter. And today I am talking to my old office mate, Lori Kilmartin. Lori is an excellent stand-up comedian and writer and she was a staff writer for all 11 years of Conan on TBS. And she had the office right next door to mine and on hot days she'd leave the window open so all the air conditioning got out. Lori currently co-hosts the Jackie and Lori Show podcast and performs stand-up all around the country. You can find her comedy specials and her memoir, Dead People Suck, at killmartin.com. Lori joined me live in the studio. She is one of the funniest people I know and one of the best stand-ups I know.

Here is my conversation with Lori Kilmartin. Hi, Lori. Hello, Andy. How are you? I'm okay. What are you doing with yourself these days? I'm doing some road work and, you know, just trying to— That sounds like you're a boxer.

I would love it. Did you ever see The Wrestler? You saw The Wrestler, right? I did, I did. That Todd Berry movie. And the Judah Friedlander movie. Oh, that's right, yes. Yes, yes, Todd judah and then somebody else

but uh yeah very much like stand-up you know where i feel like i'm like uh my taking my last head dive into the ring and it's okay and working at a deli counter during the day yes um your son your son's got to be is he in college yet oh, he's a junior in high school. Yeah, he's 16. Yeah. And so you're still in the middle of that. I'm in the middle of it. It almost feels, I thought it would be freer right now, but it almost feels like teenagers need more, more face time than almost when they're younger.

I mean, I'm hoping because that's the way I did it. Yeah. Well, he also, he probably is just happy to have you back and you might just have an evolving relationship where i also think too as they get older when they get to like where they're going to leave that that so far has been the most scary to me just in terms of feeling the most powerless and feeling like my powers of compartmentalization aren't working right like when they started going out on their own and then you think, oh my God, what if they get in a wreck?

What if they get kidnapped? And you have all these like death fantasies that play in your head, which is just like some sort of biological function. I guess so. You have to prepare yourself for something horrible. All mammals, when they don't see their children, think my child is dead.

And mammals, when they don't see their children, think, my child is dead. Yeah. And – but that, I could sort of go like, no, it'll be fine. And what do you – I mean, what can you do? You're not going to track them down. You know, you can't put a GPS tracker on them because that – You can. That technology isn't available yet, you know. Well, there's – some of the moms in my water polo group already, they track them, you know, like when they're driving.

Do they put like an air tag or something in there? It's not an air tag. It's some app on their phone. Get it under their skin? Honey, you got to go to the dentist. What's this lump in my neck? Nothing. Don't get that taken out.

Just the molar. But it's weird. Yeah. I mean, because he might be going to a four-year college or not, you know, like I'm so open to, hey, go to community college and then transfer to one

right nearby. It's fine with me. Yeah, yeah. But right now, like I had a little show at Flapper's last night. Then I came home and he was waiting for me.

We finished watching The Walking Dead. We watched all 11 seasons and we watched the last two last night. But I was like, this is like, these are the last couple years where I know he'll be home when I get home and he'll want to do something with me. Yeah.

And that's going to end. And that made me really sad. Like, I think I was I was upset when we finished The Walking Dead, but it was also for the tradition of me coming home and us watching an hour of zombies for like the last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those times are really nice. Yeah. That was one of the hardest things about the breakup of my marriage was not living in the same house as my kids. Right, right.

And it, you know, it happens. Yeah. Like that, you know. So, yeah, it's been. like that. So yeah, it's been... And now you have to, I mean, in a couple years for me and you now, you have to hope they just want to hang out, come over.

Oh yes. Oh yes you do. Yeah, but just the feeling of like I put in all of these hours with you and now you're gone. That's the deal. That's the shitty fucking deal of it, you know. It is. And you can't like, when i was pregnant

i'll be like all right i'll do this and then i'm headed right back to my life yeah yeah yeah no i've completely changed the world changed that life doesn't exist you're not male so you can't do that yes um well you're you're a native calian, right? Yes. Walnut Creek. It's in northern California. It's through the Caldecott Tunnel across the East Bay. OK. I don't want to give you directions. No, that's all right. OK. And what's the address? And were your folks from California? I mean, how did they end up there? My dad wasn't from Topeka and my mom was from Chicago. Oh, wow. And my dad ended up in California because he was stationed at the Presidio for a while, either before or after the Korean War. I forget if he was going out or coming in and he loved it. And then he got in war. Loved it. He was a murderer and it really spoke to him. The only time I really got to kill unimpeded. and it really spoke to him. It's the only time I really got to kill unimpeded.

And so he ended up getting a job at Bechtel. He was an engineer. Oh, cool. He worked there for a little bit and then ended up working overseas a lot as an independent contractor. Very much on the road, way more than me. Wow. He worked in Nicaragua and Saudi Arabia

and Indonesia and the Philippines. He was like gone for about four years with little sporadic visits back home because it was so expensive. And it was weird because back then you couldn't. Long distance phone calls were like incredibly expensive. So we just we get those little blue airmail letters from him in unintelligible engineer script. Yeah. I'm like, my mom could kind of read it, but we just didn't know what was being said. Wow. Do you think that him being on the road so much is kind of like imprinted onto you or is it just coincidental? Yes, definitely. And I think if, you know, if he could have done it over again, he probably wouldn't have left, you know, for Nicaragua

the month I got breasts and my period. Somehow I didn't, I took it wrong. And it just never has worked out since. Well, it's not like you gave him any warning. Dad, don't go. My tits are coming. I was flat-chested for so long. I'm sure he figured he had another year. What a thing for a father to look and like, no, no, I'm good for a while. And me, my dad leaves and I start bleeding between my legs. What? What's happened?

No one else can leave me ever again. So I'll never get close to anyone. That's my... You got to lay that on your son. Honey. Terrible. I bleed when you leave. Wouldn't stop him.

Was he, was your dad funny? Yeah. Yeah, he was. But it was sort of, he was also kind of accidentally nerd funny instead of like, you know, slinging jokes. But yeah, he was funny. Yeah. And, and was your mom funny?

She was. She was your mom funny? She was. She was depressed and funny. Yeah. More depressed than funny. But yeah. So between the two of them. Oh, I've been there. They were all full funny person,

but they weren't like either of them, you or Conan or something on their own. Was it a happy house? Like, did you grow up, you think it was a pretty happy house? I mean, your mom's depressed. Yeah. I grew up with that same kind of thing, you know, intermittently.

There were good periods. And then there were definitely periods where it was not so good. I think it was fine until my dad left. And then she was alone with a hostile, newly teenage daughter. And this is not what she signed up for at all. And, you know, he was, again, like you couldn't communicate. Oh, and Nicaragua had just broken out into civil war. So it was a lot of fingers crossed and all that kind of stuff.

I remember a lot of her being in her bedroom with a headache and the door was closed. And I'm sure she actually did have a headache. My mom's best friend is still alive. And she said, my mom used to go into the closet and just scream. Which I don't remember, but she must have told Mrs. And she said, my mom used to go into the closet and just scream that, which I don't remember, but she must've, she must've told Mrs. Kelly. She did that and did it into a pillow. So I couldn't hear it, but you can, I guess part of, you know, something's not right. Oh, absolutely. Why is my mom in the closet with a pillow? I have my folks split up when I was four

and we moved in with my grandparents back to my mom's hometown. And I have like a distinct image of her, which I think was like a year or two of her lying on the couch in a waitress uniform with her arm over her eyes, you know, like her eyes into the crook of her arm. And just laying there and then say, asking her things and her, you know, like going like, ask grandma grandma you know right and uh and yeah and it it's sort of like yeah you're not she's not telling you she waited a few she waited till i was like 13 to do that yeah the the stuff that she shouldn't be telling me yeah the too much she was she then she she pulled the pillow away and screamed into my ear. Oh no.

Mom, go back in the closet, please. But yeah, but it was, I mean, you definitely, you, I think what happens with, with a kid in a situation like that, they either go, well, fuck this. I'm out. I'm, you know, I'm out whether I'm out or, or whether I'm here, I'm out. Or they, they set up a lifetime of trying to keep that person happy. Is it possible to do both? It sure is. I think I did.

It sure is. We have a winner. So what kind of kid were you growing up? You know, I always liked before my dad left and after, you know, so I think, Oh, really? Yeah, that's, I feel like the change, like there's a market change in my outlook, you know? Yeah. Although I didn't notice it at the time, but I was a competitive swimmer the whole time. And I think before he left, I was on a little rec team. There's like, I don't know how much to get in the weeds, but in Northern California, especially, there's like a really great rec swim league situation, you know?

And I was really good. I, you know, and I guess I got a lot of self-esteem from all that. And then I switched after my dad left, I switched to AAU and AAU is full time. It's like 12 months a year. It's Christmas. Pre-Olympic kind of stuff. Yes. And then my coach was, it turned out a pedophile. Yes. And then my coach was, it turned out a pedophile. One of several AAU coaches that were, the rec situation, the leagues were just really fun, you know, and then it was AAU and it was super intense. And many of the coaches in my area were pedophiles. Jesus. Mine's in prison. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. Was there any inkling of this as it was happening? Well, it's weird. I mean, I don't want to, you know. And like my situation was like the least of all of the girls that I knew. But we all sort of were like thought it was just us, you know, like ourselves. And then there was this later finding out like,

you know, what he did to various people and stuff like that and realizing. It was a lot of us separately. But yeah, so that was like a bad time. Wow. So that would be like, I guess, 14 to say 20. And then I started doing stand up and then things started picking up because I don't know, I felt like I was done with that. And I had did some therapy and work on it a bit and would do more later. Right. After he was caught. It was

it was so weird, Annie, because so much of what he was doing, a lot of people were aware of. We later found out like officials, like swim meet officials, parents. And I just assumed all this stuff was legal because there's another coach who's having a relationship with a friend of mine who was 15 at the time. And everyone knew they were a couple. So I didn't even know it wasn't legal. Wow. It was so it's so crazy. It was very much like a Catholic priest thing with the coaches. Yeah.

Yeah. No, that's a lot of coaches. I'm sure it's like that. Yeah. With Joe Paterno. Oh, right. Right. Right.

Sandusky. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. You know, like the man, everybody knows, but they protect them. And then the entire town protects them. Yeah.

Because it's coach. Yeah. And we had, I mean, you know, you want to talk abuse. Dennis Hastert was the wrestling coach at my high school. At your high school? At my high school. Oh my, did you wrestle? I didn't wrestle, but I was in gym.

You know, I mean, he wasn't a gym teacher. He was like a civics teacher. And then he got into the state, you know, the state house of representatives. But he was a hero because we won state. Oh, my God. And he was, you know, it was an amazing, it was a really good wrestling program, a relatively small town. We had really good wrestling, really good football, very competitive. And I was completely unaware of all of it.

But there was like one incredibly eerie thing was in our showers, they weren't like visible just as you walk by. There was kind of a right turn to go to the showers. And there was this big green Naugahyde chair that would sit in this like little anteroom in front of the showers oh my god and i would always be like what's that chair there for right and they're you know in like subsequent testimony he would uh sit there oh yeah and there was it was like and the coaches like our football coaches and our wrestling coaches and a bit they were all like just you know like the jocks yeah they weren't really i don't think they were a very evolved group yeah so like they were just like they were the jocks that were in charge of the jocks

and there was this swagger to them sure you know and they were they were able to throw children. If they, you know, like I saw our football coach throw a kid. Oh, my God. In the library and knocked over three bookshelves because he threw this kid into the bookshelves. Just threw him like, you know. Wow. Like the undertaker in the WWE. Oh, my God. Just grab and tossing him.

Oh, my God. And there were simpler times. There were meaner, awful or offler times. I mean, if you're a coach, they were simpler times they were meaner awful or offler times i mean if you're a coach they were good they were fantastic well but that's thank god we're getting over what coach says yeah right coach well coach says that i got into coach coach coach fuck coach yeah you know coach doesn't he's not a priest yeah and the priests aren't even priests right right you know like what what they're supposed to be. So, I mean, because Jesus Christ,

that's a really rough patch and a really rough age. It's a rough patch. Yeah, it is a rough patch. I mean, that's a rough patch in the best of circumstances. Right, right, right, yeah. Was comedy a reaction?

Was that like, oh shit, I got to go somewhere and make laughs? I didn't like, I wouldn't have connected those dots. But looking back, it was like, yeah, it's something. You think so, yeah. Yeah, I started just going to stand up in San Francisco, like just driving.

I was, I was, I was like, if I had been my parents, I would have been extremely worried. And I think they were. Cause I, I had quit swimming. I was at UCLA, quit swimming, gained like 60 pounds in two months. I mean, it was it was so like when you look back, someone should have stepped in and said, are you OK? What happened? What can we do? But my family was a little hands off. And I was very at that point. I had,

you know, completely closed down and was very difficult to talk to. So I can't blame them completely. I was just very shut down. And I would just go driving at night just to get out. I would drive and try to get lost and come home in San Francisco. And then I started going to see stand-up. And I really loved it. And then I saw someone who wasn't that good opening for like Dana Carvey and

I was like wait a minute yeah wait you don't you don't have to be good yeah oh okay I mean this I've always felt when people are like you can't compare yourself to other people I'm like why the fuck not you know I'm better than that guy has been a major motivation in my whole career completely completely that guy yeah you know if that guy's doing it major motivation in my whole career. Completely, completely. Better than that guy. Yeah, exactly. And I'm like, that guy's doing it. I can do it. Right, right, right, right.

So that's how I kind of got into it. Do you remember a moment that was really inspirational in terms of like, I want to do this? Or was it just sort of like, was there a reason that you started going to comedy? Or were you like, I've been to enough movies, you know? I don't know. Where you're like, I've been to enough movies, you know? I don't know. I guess I just connected with how whoever's on stage was so free on stage, you know?

And I thought if I could ever just kill like this person's killing, like be so natural. Yeah. And so okay with whatever happened, that would be incredible. Because at that point, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin that I couldn't imagine being that comfortable. Right. And so I guess that was my goal. And yeah, uncomfortable with that much judgment. What do you mean? Just being on stage.

Yes. Being on stage and having, I mean, that's, you know, I've always, I've always, you know, performers, like there's no performer that doesn't have a fairly substantial ego. Right, right, right. Because you don't get in on stage and say everyone shut up yeah turn off all the lights except the ones pointing at me now listen you know that's you gotta have something in you that that makes you think like this is best for everyone if you just all sit there and listen to me it's really yeah trust

me folks you want to hear what i'm going to say and a baseline fury that informs everything that never goes away can't you tell my loves while you were at ucla did you do comedy down here in L.A. at all? No, I mostly I dropped out of UCLA, gained weight, had some, you know, had about two years of what am I doing with my life kind of thing. And then I started doing stand up in the Bay Area. And my dad was home like he redo where he's home and I'm home. And, you know, I don't have to be mad at him for being, you know, gone and all that stuff. And so it was, you know, I stayed home for like 10 more years. Just being a road comic, I'd, you know, go out, come home to my parents. And so I did sort of redo that time, which I'm so grateful for now, you know, because obviously.

And then I moved to New York for 10 years and that was like so life changing on so many levels. Oh, really? Oh, really? Yeah. Road work, especially in the 90s, it was all the like suburban comedy clubs, suburban audience, mostly white, married kids. It was like all the same people. There were like some regional differences, but it was the same people, the same type of person. And then New York was like every table

was like from a different country, you know, every or a different part of the city. And they all nobody had anything in common except they were there at the comedy club. And somehow you had to figure out, you know, there's no local references. You know, like if you're working at a club in Ohio, you you would find out the local stuff. I was out on Anderson Street today. She said our city, our name. And so there you just sort of had to work on different ways to connect with people, I guess. And that was really great.

Yeah. Yeah. And were you, while you were home, were you making your living just being a road comic? Yeah. I mean, all I had to do was pay for my Chevy Blazer. It was $2.62 a month. Nice. I was young, so I didn't need health insurance, Andy.

So I don't pay for that stuff. You were bulletproof. Yeah, that's right. It was pretty fun. Yeah, it was pretty easy to make my life payments. At this time, are you thinking along those? I mean, i don't know if that time was still you know because there used to be this sort of uh hot stand-up to their

own sitcom pipeline like right were you in that like ever in that sort of spin or or or you know or was that like something that was in your fantasy you know like possible thoughts i think so i think everybody especially because i'm from san San Francisco and that's what exactly what happened to Margaret Cho, you know, and it was like, you know, all American girl. It was like, wow, that's the that's the ultimate. And she's a peer, too. She's about your age. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a little younger than me. And so, yeah, I am it. Exactly. But I so I saw her when she was, I don't know, 17 or 18. Wow. Maybe 19 starting out. Yeah, she was great. The crowds loved her instantly. Yeah. Yeah. And so, yeah. So she had the to me, the ultimate pipeline besides Seinfeld, obviously. But it was just like, wow. And so I think every every comic starting in that era was hoping that they would be scooped up like that. But it was definitely a position. You're in a position of I hope someone likes me, you know, and it's which is a horrible way to go through a career, you know, instead of feeling like you have any agency in it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sort of like it always felt like the gatekeepers would stumble into a show and just see somebody in them and put them on The Tonight Show.

And so you're just like, I hope someone stumbles in tonight. and put them on the tonight show. And so you're just like, hope someone stumbles in tonight. It was never anything of, I'm going to increase my followers on Instagram where you can actually, I guess, be in charge of how much you're seen. Right.

I guess. And feel some agency. Exactly. Cause you can look and there's a goddamn number right there that goes up. Yeah. Right. Right. Right.

I think that's weird too, because, you know, coming from improv, there was, there's that. I mean, there is, there's a definitely, I mean,'s weird too, because, you know, coming from improv, there was, there's that, I mean, there is, there's a definitely, I mean, not for everybody, but certainly for me. And it sounds like for you, my, uh, ambitions were there, but I was a very passive kind of person.

Like you said, I was waiting to be discovered. I was kind of waiting for something to happen. And there were and and I still struggle with like, what do I do with myself? You know, right. Like here. All right. Free time. Yeah. You know, writers on strike for months. Yeah. Maybe think of something for you to do. And I just have never been very good at that because I think it's because in improv, it's a group. Right. And when you're being passive, at least you're being, you know, you're all waiting to be discovered, but you're in a team and you're in a group and you're hanging out and it's all friends. And you're performing together.

I do think there's a difference between performing together on stage and then being and then each of you going up solo yeah watching each other yeah completely it makes you a different person yeah yeah and because there's also there's a lot of stand-ups that aren't that nice about it no you know they're very protective and very guarded and yeah you know i i think there's something to the um like you're on stage you're doing everything you can on stage right and then you're you're on stage or doing everything you can on stage. Right. And then you're you're quite vulnerable after you get off stage. You can look bulletproof on stage, but afterwards you're sort of in this position of hoping people like you. Right. Hoping gatekeepers like sitting there and wondering, did I do OK? Yeah. And that that's sort of the difference between how you feel, how powerful you feel on stage and how powerless you feel off stage is really

not good for you. Did you know that early on? No, I know all knowledge is, uh, gained 20 years after I needed it. Yes. I,

I, uh, have come up with the idea that you can't have the knowledge of like the 50 year old you right when you're the 25 year old you yeah because you're too like young and good looking and all of that would be it'd be too much power in one place like you know like a young a young sexy person that knows the old person shit. Oh, my God. That person would be unstoppable. How quickly when you moved to New York, were you making a living doing stand up at that point?

I was at the time my income most because I decided I had to stay there. I couldn't go on the road because you really had to like be out at New York clubs every single night to get your face out there and stuff. And that was just sort of common knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. So my job was HTML coding, which at the time paid like $25 an hour, which isn't even minimum wage now. That's the world. And this is like $99.

Right. And so I did that for a couple years. And then like Dreamweaver came out, which was a software that automated a lot of HTML. And I was like, oh, well, I better start making more money as a stand up. Yeah. Was acting part of the whole scheme here? It turns out because I had always wanted to act, but I don't like auditioning. Yeah.

It enrages me even still. No one likes auditioning. Yeah. It's gross. I didn't know that. And I thought, oh, I can't do this. So I wasn't aware that everyone hates it and everyone hates how it feels. Yes.

You know? So I kind of just didn't pursue that. And of the two non-stand-up things, I liked writing way better than acting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, auditions are just bizarre. It's just bizarre. Yeah. auditions are just bizarre.

It's just bizarre. And it feels like people sitting in a room in chairs, watching someone perform for them. Seems like, you know, like it's just a degree away from like a private sex show. It's like, it's like, here's my ass.

What do you think? I also feel like they know instantly, almost instantly. And they're still going to make you go through this whole thing. Yes. Yeah. I have been on the other end of casting for a very occasionally. And it's yes, it's definitely like somebody comes in and they say three words and I'm like, yeah, I think you know the no instantly.

And you're all there's a couple where you're like, oh, let's see what they do. But it's I would appreciate if I walk in and you immediately go like this. Let me know. I'll leave. That's fine. Don't make me go through. Yeah, I yeah, I attach none of myself, not my self-interest or my self-identity into this. Yeah.

Well, when did you start writing? I mean, when did you get start to get right? Oh, my first writing gig was on Tough Crowd. But before that, I. That's Colin. Yeah. Colin Quaid. Yeah.

Comedy Central. Before that, I was I just wrote I had a website. I got a website in like 1996. Wow. Kilmartin.com. Wow. Secured my domain very early on. Nice.

And I would write like a weekly blog, although it just, it wasn't called a blog. I just, I called it This Week's Hoax just in case I was inaccurate. I could say, well, I called it a hoax.

But I would just sort of say what happened on the road that week. And I also reviewed swimming pools because I, at that time in the 90s,

clubs were like a Tuesday through Sunday week, a lot of it. So you were there for five days. So you had time to like explore the city. And, you know, so I would always go find a pool to work out in. And then I would write a review of it, mostly for myself to remember if it was a bad pool or a good pool. And then I just started posting those. And so those were people consulted that for a little while did they wow you had a swimming pool database i did yeah yeah yeah you should go back to that i i every it seems like everything

you start with you end up going back to yeah you know yeah eating from a from a bottle shitting your pants no utensils just scooping with my hand. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Crying all day. Well, what took you out of New York? Well, I got a job on the Bonnie Hunt show for about six months. And then Conan kept me in L.A. after that. Oh, okay. Oh, so you came out here for the Bonnie Hunt.

Okay, I gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When were you hired on the Conan show? I can't even. The TBS show. So I started. It was for the TBS. You weren here for the Bonnie Hunt. Okay, I gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotcha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When were you hired on the Conan show? I can't even. The TBS show. So I started.

It was for the TBS. You weren't on the Tonight Show. No, it was a couple months before TBS. It's all a blur. It's all a blur to me. Well, that's cool. And you were a joke writer. Yeah, I was just mostly in monologue.

Although I had some sketches. You did. I did puppy Conan. Right, right, right. But I mean, when you were hired, you were hired. Yeah. Really? Because there was, Conan needed his posse of monologue writers.

At the time, there was five of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a pretty big mono staff. And then it got smaller and smaller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because, well, that was always, and I don't mean to be like, I don't mean to be dismissive,

but that aspect of it seemed like a traditional aspect of it. Yes. And it had to me to my like a bit of eat your vegetables. Like, you know, like you've got to you've got to look at the news and talk about what Clinton's doing. You have to. You know, Kylie always Brian Kylie, who's just the greatest writer. He said it was it's the audience's only solo time with the host. Yeah. And you got to give them something to say. That's very true.

And so, and after that, they get invested in whatever sketch they're either in or introducing or the guest. And the only time it's like Conan in the audience is when he's telling jokes and when he's reacting to their reaction to it. So they get to have that's their input with him. Right. Right. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's a very, very good point. And it it also, too, for him in particular, that was like the part that people in the early days just ragged on him about. Right. Because especially because I mean, I, you know, I knew stand-ups at the time and the show had been on for five minutes

and I knew stand-ups who were like, I could be so much fucking better at that than him. Listen to him tell a joke. He can't tell a joke. Which is, you know, after a while it's like, dude, it's telling a joke. I know, I know. It's not heart surgery.

I think I know some of those stand-ups and they're still a little annoyed. You sure do. That they weren't picked. Yeah, no. There was, I mean, it was very telling to me at that time. Yeah. Not so much for me, really, truly.

It was him more. But, like, I remember in Chicago, two friends of mine got on SNL. Two women, Melanie Hutzel and Elizabeth Cahill, Betty Cahill mine got on SNL, two women, Melanie Hutzel and Elizabeth Cahill, Betty Cahill, got on SNL. And Melanie was there for a couple of years, I think. She's great, yeah. And I remember hearing that and just being like, fuck. Right.

Like just this envy. Yeah. Just pop of like, God damn it. That's money, you know? And I mean, you know, and there had been a couple people who've gotten on TV, you know, of my kind of peer group. And then it's, but then it was gone. You know, it was like, I realized, and in feeling that, I realized like, oh, no, you

can feel the envy. It's going to happen. Yeah. Yeah. But then you got to get rid of it. Yeah. Like, do I want to live here in this place yeah yeah and there there you know there was a number of people that i really felt like and

even people that were kind of like friends with conan who i felt like were felt like uh my skills are superior and the fact that you're here i'm being kind and stuff but but you know it's just it's it's this is like such a weird business in terms of you it's like a i was liking it it's like a ladder and at the top of the ladder there's a pile of money and no worries and everything which it's not it's always there's always worries there's another ladder yeah yeah. But you get up the ladder a few rings, you get knocked down and stuff. And that there's just, it's so hard to have such a payoff right there. And you see some people get to it and they're like, God damn it. Why not me?

Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I don't know if there's analogs in other industries or not, but yeah. I mean, with in sports you know but you always have such a limited window until your body right like you kind of know that but like with with this like you can't keep going unless you have you know some sort of brain malfunction right you know right right uh yeah so yeah i don't have anything else dad i just realized whatever my train of thought it went away what um what age was your son when you started working on the show oh he was three

when i was three when i i interviewed with sweeney and then conan came in and interviewed and then i left and went home and uh i love this i forget which one said it. One of them said it. I think Conan said, well, you want to come aboard? You want something like that? You want to, we'd love to have you aboard. And I was like, yeah.

And then my son started making noises because I was excited. And one of either Conan or Sweeney said, do you have a kid? And I'm like, yeah. And offers rescinded. No. Oh man, that was great. Like, yeah. And offers rescinded. No. Oh, man.

That was great. I mean, how do you juggle that? How do you juggle? It's hard. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, how soon after he was born did you start doing gigs again? Pretty soon.

Yeah. You know, I was always. Was that necessity, a financial necessity or more just like spiritual necessity? Both. Like, yeah, you can't stop. And if you, you know, I always have the fear that if I take too much time off of stand up, I'll really enjoy life and I'll never get back to it. So I need to keep myself somewhat miserable and keep doing stand up. Well, I mean, it does strike me too,

because you are, and we, I mean, we used to joke about this, like Conan show go to Comic-Con and go to Dallas, go to wherever, you know, we do these road shows. Yeah. And we'd get there and you'd have every night booked out with three different clubs around fucking Dallas.

And it was just like, God, why don't, do you hate cable TV? Like, do you not like mini bars what's what's up with you true you know but i mean when you said it earlier something about like you're in control of you know you're bulletproof up there yeah and you're a bullet magnet out here yeah yes exactly is that part of maybe yeah yeah it just feels fun and and if there's stage time happening and someone offers you i i would never turn it down right right yeah and anytime you came into town with conan you're like a little movie star anyway so that was really fun of course yeah uh yeah but but when i had my kid you know so i think he turned four as we as the

show got into production because his birthday's in October, the TBS show. Yeah, I ended up hiring someone who became like family, but I just put an ad on Craigslist and someone picked my kid up from daycare. Oh, wow. And her name's Claire and she was great. And she still goes to my kids' water polo games and stuff like that. Oh, wow. But so she was the one who picked him up and brought him home and did all that stuff until I got back because I was a single mom. Yeah.

And then my mom moved in and that kind of helped out too. Sure. But yeah, it was expensive. I would say mostly it's expensive, you know, to hire someone to help you and to, you know, also go out and do spots at night. Like I put my son to bed and then go out and do a set. And so like, you know, she'd be there. I'd pay hourly the whole time. And then, you know, yeah, it costs a lot.

A lot. Yeah, but it's like it's the shitty side of being a woman in this business, especially. It is. It's like, yeah, it really does suck because you're always struggling with like, do I go out and get a job and spend a good chunk of it taking care of my kids or do I just take care of my kids? Yeah. And, you know, sort of, I don't know, know you know here and there kind of pick things up and it's i think if you take yourself out like that and just it's hard to get back in yeah it's really hard yeah and so i always felt like i i enjoy doing stand-up i like it but i also never

wanted to lose it in case this went away which it did and so you know i mean even on hey this week's i would go out and do like weeks at clubs and stuff. And, you know, so I still have a lot of those relationships, which is like my only income now. So, you know, I think I was always just amazed that you would do that because I felt like, don't you know, that's work. You're leaving your hotel to go work and then, and then go across town to another place and work. You know what I would do my weekends where I would, I would take the JetBlue Burbank to JFK on Friday night.

It was, it was like a nine 35 ish flight, you know, and then I've been on it many times do, I don't know, at least five to eight spots in New York city on Saturday night and then come home on Sunday, the 4.35 p.m. flight back to Burbank and, you know, go back to work on Monday. And man, that's just out of just plain old curiosity. Do you make enough in those spots to pay for the trip?

Okay. Do you make enough? No, no, no, no. Because those spots are nickel and dime, right okay do you make enough no no no no no yeah because those spots are nickel and dime right it would kind of break even sometimes i would just use my points for it and stuff you know but it was also like i didn't want new york to forget about me and i didn't want to i i had gone at one point two years two years without being in new york and then i i showed up to do spots and i was like oh my god I've done way too many laundromat shows in L.A. because it's a very different timing and pacing. And, you know, you mean when you're on stage doing material or you just mean the whole vibe?

No, no. On stage in New York City, it's a lot like joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. And here it's a lot it's a it's a little more expansive and more storyteller-ish. And a more forgiving audience. Yes. It's not as transactional. It's like, we're going to give you some time and we have faith

that you're going to take us somewhere. Yeah. As opposed to, where's the fucking less? Exactly. Exactly. So after that, like that rough set

where I'm like, oh, I've lost it. I worked so hard to gain it and I lost it. I was like, I'm just going to keep, you know, coming back to make sure I keep it. Yeah. Yeah. I was just there last weekend. So.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can tell. Chop, chop, chop. Get to the next question, Andy. What the fuck? I got a three o'clock. I was sad at three o'clock set at 3 o'clock.

You made art out of both your parents' deaths. Yeah. You did. I mean, and it's really funny stuff, And it's very heart-wrenching. And I mean, your dad's was a little different because he died. What did he die of? He had lung cancer. He had lung cancer. And so he had it for like about nine months.

And, you know, it's so weird. Have you had a relative with cancer? I'm lucky. There's not really many cancer, not much cancer in my family. It's crazy because they. There's one word, drop dead heart attack. That's what they, we get drop dead heart attack. They, I swear to God, like my dad did not know he had terminal cancer.

And, and I, maybe because he was getting radiation, but the doctors didn't explain stuff to him. And I remember looking at like an email and going, it seems like this one tumor is bigger. And then my sister, who is a doctor, was like, oh, Jesus. Yeah. And so we were like breaking the news to him. Like, dad, I don't know.

You know, it doesn't seem good. And when he went into- That's crazy. It is crazy. When he went into hospice. I told Sweeney and I'm like, so, you know, on Wednesday or something. What year is this? 2014.

OK. And I go, do you mind? I'm going to go home on Friday and maybe stay a couple of days because my dad's in hospice. In my head, I'm like, he'll get out. You know, I just didn't register that he was dying. Yeah. And he's like, you should leave tonight. And I did, I think.

It was like a 10-day hospice at home, and then he died. And I just started tweeting jokes because I couldn't get up on stage because I wasn't going to leave the house. And so that sort of took off a little bit. But I wasn't intentionally trying to make anything out of it. I was just like, it was such a surreal, you know, when, when you, when someone's dying and it's the first time it's happened to you that you're losing someone you love,

it's, you just can't quite believe it. You know? Do you? Cause yeah. I mean, I was obviously seeing all the tweets and, and it was,

it, I mean, and it was kind of like, you were getting attention for it too yeah yeah like there were people were like hey this very funny comedian oh yeah i know her uh her father's dying and she's tweeting hilarious jokes about it and and it had you know it was an amazing little moment of because there's a there we all know the end yeah and when but it's like it's coming so there's this tension of as it plays out and we get to see your whole kind of journey

through it and uh i'm sorry for using the word journey um i didn't know this is that kind of pod quite frankly uh but it was it was an amazing work. And I mean, and one thing that stood out to me, therapy head that I am, was like, wow, what an incredible high wire coping mechanism. Yeah. high wire coping mechanism. Yeah. You know, because it's like, I'm going to channel my grief into my art,

into my job, into my craft. And Jesus, I hope it's pretty, I hope it's good. You know, like you could, like you could have, your mourning could have been rejected. You know, you know. It was even worse or weirder when my mom died because she died of COVID in May of 2020, which, you know, she was the first person I knew who had COVID. And it wasn't that common. It was it was at least from my standpoint, it was like people on a cruise ship in Seattle, like, oh, they have COVID. Right.

cruise ship in Seattle, like, oh, they have COVID, right? And all of a sudden, I, you know, my mom got it from, she was in a SNF, a skilled nursing facility, and for her hip, because she fell, she had to rehab. And the whole, like, it was just wildfire throughout the whole thing. So at the time, it was like a kind of a historic thing that you didn't think would happen to your family right you know covid and um and you didn't know what it was anyway right and it was just it it was like oh my god it's it's like having it's like being in the san francisco earthquake or something you know the thing that everyone's going to remember in 100 years it. It's like, wow, that happens. That's happening to us. Okay. So yeah, it was, that was sort of stranger because I think up until then people would announce after someone had died, you know? And so I was sort of joking, walking people through the whole thing,

the whole iPad experience, only talking through the iPad and trying to get the hospital to let us visit her in person and all that kind of stuff. And so that was a different thing. I don't think a lot of people had been through the whole diagnosis through death experience with somebody on Twitter. Well, and absolutely. And you were the first person that I knew personally. Yeah. I had any kind of personal connection with that was dealing with that.

That kind of personal connection with that was dealing with that kind of COVID. I mean, I don't even really feel like I know anybody else that had serious COVID. Yeah, right. Most of the people. I mean, have you had it, by the way? No. Did you ever get it? No. Because I ended up getting it last year.

I had a gig thing in Ireland, and I my fiance and we went to Ireland to Dublin. Yeah. And I just got lazy. Right. Because everybody in- Pubs. Well, just everybody. Nobody in Dublin was wearing masks.

Yeah. And like when I got on the plane, you know, and I'd been vaccinated and I got on the plane and because somebody else was paying for it, I was in a nice seat. Yeah. And I was like after we got up in the air i'm like i bet i can take my mask off and then on the flight home i'm like i have a sore throat and the next day and it wasn't it was really not much of anything yeah it was like i had the flu for about 22 hours yeah and then it was like 10 days of waiting for the test to show.

Right, right, right. But yeah, yours was definitely the first. And like I say, to my recollection, the only one of the serious lethal part. I guess that alpha COVID an elderly unvaxxed person has that just wipes them out pretty quick. Yeah. Yeah, It was crazy. I couldn't believe it. Still can't believe it. Right. Right. And you were and you became a crusader. You did. Well, accidentally. I mean, yeah, my sister and I were crusading to get the Huntington Hospital to let us visit because other hospitals were letting people visit if they were, you know, completely covered head to toe. And we were the first ones they let in after making a lot of internet noise and my sister she belongs to a

physician's group that uh went bananas on facebook and so there was a ton of pressure very helpful yes it was yeah yeah um so yeah we got to visit her got to stay with her like for an hour and a half, you know, and it like now we know. Was she awake? She when we came in and we're talking to her, she'd been just sort of unconscious the entire time. Don't I don't know if she like my Aunt Patty in Chicago talked to my mom for like an hour and a half straight over the iPad. My mom made no, you know, just, you know, that was all she could do. And so we never knew. We'll never know, I guess, if she was able to hear all that stuff. But when we were in the

hospital room with her in person, she kind of sat forward, which she'd never done. And she opened her eyes and her eyes were pointing up. And then, you know, she kind of fell back down. So I don't know. I don't know if she knew she had COVID. I don't know if she was trying to get us out or she was just trying to talk to us or if inside she was like, oh, my daughters are here. It was just a reflexive reaction of my daughters are here. So, yeah. Using comedy as a coping mechanism makes plenty of sense. Yeah.

And especially when you're a funny person. makes plenty of sense yeah and especially when you're a funny person but are there downs have you found downsides in your personal life to like making things a joke or or using comedy as a coping mechanism for things um i haven't but i guess the the downside would be i have to do it at a nightclub and no man wants a part of that. Yeah. I was... Oh, there's too much fucking coping going on up there. I was going to try and nail her. I was with this guy, and, you know, I'm just a stand-up comedian, right?

That's how I live my life. And he goes, you spend every night in a bar. And I'm like, well, that's not how I look at it, but I guess so. I mean, that's how they make their money. And I'm like, well, that's not how I look at it, but I guess so. I mean, that's how they make their money. And it wasn't appealing to him. It's not appealing to most men and maybe most people that your partner is constantly every single night or most nights

out. And then they come home kind of wired. Right. Rightaining. Right when you're ready to go to sleep. You're ready to go to sleep. They're like, come on, let's stay up another couple hours. Why didn't that tag work? It worked the other night. You know, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, what's in your future?

What do you, you know, what do you, or is there anything, like, first of all, is there anything that you want me to plug? I do have a special coming out. Nice. thing that you want me to to plug i do have a special coming out nice it was produced by a company that is either trying to sell it or has given up and we'll just put it on youtube we'll see yeah but it's it's called cis woke grief slut oh nice so it's it uh i talk about my mom i do my mom dying of covid chunk doy and um i got doxxed on uh by some mega folks on facebook when i did an abortion joke on msnbc that was like a big thing so i talk about that do you want to tell parenting all that stuff you want to tell that or should i read what that was

oh i'd love to i'd love to read here what you it's so fucking good. While on an MSNBC panel in 2022, after the Roe v. Wade decision leaked, she said she wanted to, quote, make sweet love to the leaker. And if they turned out to be Republican, she would, quote, joyfully abort our fetus and let them know, unquote. That didn't go over well. It led to the host laughing and also not really knowing how to react. I remember seeing that because, you know, like I was like, people were like, Lori's going to be on MSNBC. I was like, all right.

This is the beginning of her punditry career. Oh, no, she's shit on the floor. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's topical jokes right from there to be funny yeah what sometimes they hit or miss i'm just throwing it out there and i'm a woman and they just uh and they're gonna do something horrible to women so sorry if i was every joke wasn't on its aist game i apologize but that's no reason to the next night sean hannity do a segment on me on his show on Fox News. Oh my God. I was not aware of that. Oh my God. He and Lara Trump and Pam Bond, the former attorney general of

Florida. Oh yeah. Convened to discuss me and liberals and my joke and how we love abortion and all this kind of stuff. It's thematically, it turned into these people are monsters. They'll abort anything kind of a thing. But they they use me as the starting point of that segment. Oh, my goodness. And what did the doc sing? Like, where's your where are you getting calls? Someone posted my address on Facebook.

Somebody else. Which is? Save it for the notes. Just put it in the podcast notes. And then somebody else took pictures of my house and sent them to me, emailed them to me. Yeah. Which was really scary. Yeah.

But luckily I have a pit bull. Oh, nice. It just walks the perimeter all day long looking for… Something to bite. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, I sort of upped security after that and still am. So it did cost me money.

But MSNBC was the one that posted that clip onto Mediaite. And that's how the right wing found it. They weren't watching Amen on Mother's Day. Okay. So that's how it got to Steven Crowder and his ilk of Facebook shows. And they never called or said, oh, are you okay? Because the emails, the death threats were like, for about a day and a half, I thought I was going to be murdered. And then the little beehive or the wasp hive or whatever, they moved on to something else.

And I never heard from anyone again. Yeah, yeah. Were you able to keep all of this from your son? Was he aware of it? I just let him know but yeah he wasn't you know he wasn't I don't say his name I don't post his picture and his last name is different

from mine so he's pretty on his own. Yeah I said something just something about like how the QAnon people somehow think they deserve better than the truth. Like something sexier and more fun than the truth. And that's the whole key to conspiracies and stuff. And I said something more about it too.

And then my ex-wife started getting calls on the landline. Oh, my God. I don't even have a landline anymore. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. And nobody ever used the landline. Oh, my God. I don't even have a landline anymore. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. And nobody ever used the landline. She started getting calls and I had to erase it. But that's the thing.

And I used to, when I talked more about gun control, I used to get, I used to get, I used to get, I would get mail with like little drawings of me full of bullet holes and things like that. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, oh, okay, well, let's hope this is all just bark and no bite. Right, right. What are you going to do, you know?

Well, that's terrible. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, so that's on my special. Check it out. Yeah. And are you, I mean, now the strike is off. You should be writing the shit out of something.

I am trying or hoping to pivot to half hour. So, yeah, I'm working on a pilot. So, yeah. I just got notes of like, I like all the characters, but this isn't the pilot. So now I'm just it's sort of like rearranging. You mean the story is some different story or the story? I needed a lot more info about the characters on the initial pilot he's like it's all in your treatment yes exactly which is like boring but i guess you know you have to figure

out a way to do it that isn't boring so that's the job to set up everything yes that's what i'm working on in that pivot to half hour would you want a staff yeah work on staff places yeah yeah yeah that's a it's not a that's a pretty decent life i mean at least it used to be depending on who's running things i always feel like um you're as a writer your your job is only as pleasant as your showrunner's marriage it's like if your showrunner has a bad marriage, you're going to have dinner here. You know, the more pictures of the family in his office, the later you're going to stay. Right. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, what do you think is like what have you learned? Like what big lessons do you think you've taken away from this life of laughs? Life of laughs. I'm not really sure. I guess I feel like I could answer that question in 20 years. So maybe you could hold this podcast. And then. No problem.

We'll just stop it right there. I don't know. But I do. I think my big parenting lesson is I feel like they're born who they are. And you just kind of facilitate and get out of the way. Yeah. Right. And, uh, and I, I do think, cause I had my kid late in life that, uh, I was 41 when I had him that, um, I, I, if I'd had this, this child when he, when I was like 25, he would be very unhappy. I would have been working out a lot of my issues on this child.

And I worked out plenty of them before he was born and then more after. And so I think he seems like a happy kid and able to say no and really good with boundaries, you know, in a way that I never, ever, ever was. And I'm like, I don't know how that happened, but I'm so relieved. Do you think he learned that from you or it was just kind of in him? I think it was in him and maybe I didn't destroy it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know that I helped, but I didn't tear it down. It's so hard to know. And like I said, I'm going through an adult kid thing and one of my kids was like, I mean, everything's my fault, first of my kids was like you know was I mean that everything's my fault first well why did you do all that stuff well I actually got my son said to me like you know I I think you should have been harder on me like just about like you should I don't know perform you know like you should like you should I mean my kids got good grades

he's a great artist yeah He's a great artist. Yeah, he's a great artist. I mean, I only saw stuff from like five years ago. I'm sure he's like taking it to another level. He's fantastic. But he was but I you know, he's got he's got my like inability to finish a project before like starting another project. Oh, that's so hard. And so he's scattered and he doesn't and it's hard to know.

He's it's hard to know what to want to what to do. know which i don't i'm like i don't know you get you wait you just wait kind of but he was like you should have you should have pushed me i'm like well you need a different dad because that's i can't i was like i'm not gonna go like i want you to play hockey you know i, I was like, you like hockey? No, you don't. Oh, OK. Fuck hockey. That's the same thing. Like, am I going to come home after a day at work where I had a great time?

Honestly, most of the time, a lot of laughs. Monologue. I miss the professional funny people. My God. Yeah. That's the other thing with boyfriends. It's like I was in meetings with Andy Richter and Conan O'Brien every day for at least an hour. So just calm down.

You're not going to. It's not going to. You can't compete. Don't for at least an hour. So just calm down. You're not gonna, it's not gonna, you can't compete. Don't go for laughs. Yeah. Go for heartstrings. But I don't know what advice to give a child, my son or this generation, because the planet's gonna be changing so much. And I'm like, I don't know what a good profession is.

Should you be installing solar panels? I mean, that might be the only one. Like, I don't know what to say. is. Should you be installing solar panels? I mean, that might be, you know, the only one. Like, I don't know what to say. My son wants to be an animator, you know, which, you know, 20 years ago, be like, wow, that seems like a cool career. But what's I don't know what's a hot earth going to. I know. I don't know what to say. Well, I know that happened a few years ago with a conversation with my son.

And also my daughter, a number of years ago, there was some sort of thing that came out that said, like, you know, the earth will be irrevocably changed in 2035 or something. Like there was some date and she had a fucking meltdown. Like, are you reading in the paper that the you know i mean and it was all just kind of it wasn't like it's an apocalypse it was just like you know it'll be hot and we'll be here and i guess we'll just be trying to muddle through it just be yeah just be hot and watching the oceans fill up with dead fish or something but my son and my son was the same thing he said one time like well i don't know i, who knows what's happening with the planet? I know.

So how do you tell someone to make plans and save for an IRA or all that kind of stuff? What other, like, age of humans has had to deal with that? They all thought it was going to end from their own religious stuff, you know? But this is actually real. It's real. Yeah. And like I said, there's a number. You can look at numbers and see, you know but this is actually real yeah and like i said there's a number you can look at numbers and see you know right and uh yeah i mean i guess like we kind of had

the day after we had the fear of the nuclear stuff yeah yeah but even that there was you did kind of feel like you know someone could save it yeah Yeah. Yeah. Someone could step in and there's the mutually assured destruction, which is like now we're just doing it. All the countries are just destroying. I know. We're all pulling each other under. Yeah. It's hard to it's hard to tell a kid what to do or what to prioritize. So what you've learned is that it's hopeless.

We sure ended on a good note. Fun, fun, fun. That's the kind of that's the underlying theme to all my comedy. It's hopeless and you're going to boil to death. So, you know, so go ahead and get that burger. Yes. Well, Laurie Kilmartin, thank you so much. Thank you, Andy.

And all of you keep an eye out for Sis Woke Grief Slut. And then you and Jackie Cation have a really funny podcast called The Jackie and Laurie Show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So check that out. And you still have Kilmartin.com for people to find your dates. Sure. And if you like grief comedy, I have a book called Dead People Suck. There you go. Grief comedy. Nothing gets me harder.

All right. Thanks, all of you out there for listening. I'll be back next week with more of this. The Three Questions with Andy Richter is a Team Coco production. It is produced by Sean Doherty and engineered by Rich Garcia. Additional engineering support by Eduardo Perez and Joanna Samuel. Executive produced by Nick Liao, Adam Sachs, and Jeff Ross. Talent booking by Paula Davis,

Gina Batista, with assistance from Maddie Ogden. Research by Alyssa Graal. Don't forget to rate and review and subscribe to The Three Questions with Andy Richter wherever you get your podcasts. And do you have a favorite question you always like to ask people?

Let us know in the review section. Can't you tell my love's a-growing? Can't you feel it ain't a-showing? Oh, you must be a-knowing. I've got a big, big love. This has been a Team Coco production.