The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Laurie Kilmartin: Bad Parenting (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

Comedian Laurie Kilmartin joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk BAD PARENTING! In this second episode of Andy’s new weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about touring crime scenes, mandatory TV auditions, ghostwriting graduation speeches, getting abandoned on the bike trail, and more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

["The Andy Richter Call-In Show Theme Song"] Hello, hello, hello! ["The Andy Richter Call-In Show Theme Song"] Hey, everybody. This is the Andy Richter Call-In Show. The show which I host, in which you call into and then we talk about stuff. This is the second one that we've done and so far it's been really fun and I hope that

you guys are going to have fun too. I'm looking forward to talking to you and one of my favorite things about this is that I get to have funny, wonderful people come in and help me to answer your questions and to shoot the breeze with you. And today I have one of the best standup comedians in the world. Oh. Lori Kilmartin, former office neighbor of mine.

Yes. We were next door to each other at the Conan show for 11 years. Yeah, I think that was Berkeley Johnson's office and I snatched it up when it was available. Oh really? Because I was stuck way down on the other end by research. I don't even remember that Berkeley made the transition,

you know, there, so. But anyway, hi, thanks so much for coming. I'm excited too um I want it I mean I wanted you to do this anyway but when I decided on the topic I knew you'd be yeah yeah cuz the topic today that we are soliciting your calls and your anecdotes and your traumas about is bad parenting. And we just want to kind of talk about bad parenting. You've witnessed bad parenting that's been done to you or bad parenting that you've done.

I mean, you know, nobody's perfect. I know I've made some mistakes with the kids. It gets better as time goes on. It's the poor for I actually told my son, the oldest one at one point, I was like, well you know, everything we encounter, you're the first one. Like we don't know what we're doing.

Like you're the test case. So we fuck up on you and then you know. I just. That's your role. Yeah, I just mentioned this yesterday, but one of the times when I filled in for Regis, Kelly Ripa just made this off-handed comment, and it was a quote from her mother,

and I don't know if her mother came up with it, but it's fantastic, and she said, "'Kids are like pancakes. "'You're always gonna ruin the first one.'" Uh-oh. I only have one child, Andy. Not what I wanted to hear. Well, you know, you could get a dog

and learn from those mistakes. My dog is pretty well trained, actually. Yeah, see, there you go. There you go. Well, I mean, you have written some very, you've written a funny book about losing your dad. And then you kind of, during COVID, you sort of were you know, during COVID,

you sort of were live streaming in a way, your mom's passing from COVID. So you and parenting, and then, you know, and you do a lot about your own parenting and your act. So- Yeah, I wrote a book called Shitty Mom as well. Oh, that's right, that's right. Yeah, yeah, but it's pretty old.

It's like 12 years old now. Oh really, yeah, yeah. But, that's right. That's right. Yeah, yeah, but it's pretty old. It's like 12 years old now. Oh really? Yeah, yeah. But my feelings still stand. Well, why do you say, I mean, what was the gist of shitty mom? Like, do you think you're a shitty mom? No, I think it was a pushback against the mommy blogger

sort of atmosphere of just trying to do everything the best. And I think now it's turned into tradwife, but it's doing everything naturally and organically. And how, I don't know, I guess I kind of feel like, as long as, the more you stay out of your kid's way, they, who they are emerges. And the times where I've tried to force a sport or an agenda on my son, he has been not interested, you know?

And when I just ignore things, he kind of takes over. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if it was my, you know, like the whole notion of the actively involved in your kid's education parent. I don't fucking, that's not me. Me neither, yeah. Because my mom, like, there'd be the teacher meeting once a semester, but beyond that, I was on my own.

Yeah. And when I, you know, now, there's like all these meetings and you know, and it's, you go in and it's like, the teacher wants to tell you, like, here's the method that we're teaching your kid math. And I'm like, that's between you two. I don't know why you gotta drag me into that. That's a private matter between you and my child.

You guys have your own thing. It's not on my business. Yeah, I mean, I guess like, I didn't wanna be part of, like I got no help with homework. I just was like, oh, I have to get these grades to get what I want. And my son has that information. So when I say, well, if you're getting C's or B's,

we might go to community college. And to shrugged and went, that sounds good. Yeah. And OK, I don't know what else to tell you. No, I mean, it's just, you know, my son at one point was having, towards the end of high school, was having real problems just getting work done. And I told him, him, you know, I said, well look, I said, if you want, you can even drop out for a while. You can always come back and get

your high school education. Wow. I was like, if you want, you can drop out, you can just get a job and do something. I said, if you're having that much trouble with homework, right, like maybe you shouldn't go to college if homework is causing you that much problem. So, you know, it'd be okay with me if you wanna do that. That's ballsy to say. And he told me later, he said, that broke my heart when you said that to me. And I said, yeah, that was kind of the point.

That was kind of the point. I was kind of saying like, hey, we're talking about homework, you know. But I also kind kinda mean it. I always think about there's so many, and it's mostly men that I know who are achievers. They had a father specifically that insisted that they achieve or ignored them.

Like, I leave my kids to their own device, but I don't ignore them. You know? And I always kinda thought, like, you know, like, you know, like I leave my kids with their own device, but I don't ignore them. Right, right, right. And I always kind of thought like, is that what's missing in me? Like, you know, I didn't care if my dad, what my dad thought about what I was doing professionally or, you know, achieving.

And I was that like, is that what I'm missing? Is that why I have no internal engine and just basically go so much with the flow? Or, and am I missing out? And is so much with the flow? Or am I missing out? And is that wrong? Yeah, and am I missing out by not doing that to my kids? Saying, you're going to disappoint me if you don't strive and achieve.

It's a great question. Did you ever read Tiger Mom? No. It came out right when- I'm not a good reader. If it's not an internet article, I can't. I don't have the wherewithal. It came out pretty close to when my son was born,

maybe a year or two after, but it was like that, yeah, this woman, her and her husband, they put a lot of energy into having high achieving children. It was really important to them. And I'm like, I don't have that energy to put in. Yeah. I don't know, and I don't know if that was a right thing. Like, should I have been?

Would my son be, you know, on his way to a very high paying job right now had I been that kind of parent? But that's not who I am. So I don't know how I would have made myself do that. I also have a hunch too, that if you're gonna be, like you said, that trad mom, you know, natural mommy blogger

Yeah, your kid can read can smell the stress on you that you have about You know about the their upkeep right and I just think that like it's better if they know like they know you're there They know you get they got boundaries. They're not in charge. You're in charge. But other than that do what you want I think that that's just like like you said it's up to them like, you know Yeah, and also I kind of felt like because I had my son when I was 41 and it was a accidental pregnancy So the whole thing was like a huge surprise. I hadn't planned it didn't have any child rearing Why you had to leave the convent? Yes, and the father, yes. We both had to leave.

But so I guess I was a little more, all right, well, this was dropped on my lap. Let's see what it is. Let's see how this person unfolds. But if you're not that kind of person anyway, it's gonna go against your nature. And I get, oh, this is what I was thinking. Like, when I had my son and you like when you look at these kids and whatever they're gonna be facing for the next 70 to 100 years, however long they live. Yeah. Like I just was like, I just want to have

fun as much as I can with him. Yeah, yeah. Which isn't the same as parenting. No, no it isn't. It isn't. Like the whole notion of like, I wanna be their friend. Like, oh, I don't think that's a good idea. Maybe not be their friend. You know, like you can do other stuff, you know? Cause I just, like there was so much oversharing in my youth.

Like I know so much shit about my parents. Right, right, right. And that they told me that I just feel like I don't, man, I don't wanna know parents. Right, right, right. And that they told me that I just feel like, I don't, man, I don't wanna know it. Right, right, right. So much stuff that was like, I don't need to have that in my head. Yeah. You know?

Thanks, folks. Yeah, about were they fighting and complaining about each other or? That stuff and just, but just like, I mean, like, yeah, like, you know, dynamics of their relationship. Yeah. And I'm not kidding you, like sex stuff. Eww. You know, like, you know, dynamics of their relationship. And I'm not kidding you, like, sex stuff. Eww. You know, like, no.

Yeah. No, I want my children to think that I'm, like, you know, neuter. I don't want them to think of me as a sexual being at all. And also, like, for them, you know, it's like, I don't want to know. You know, I know parents that kind of, like, so? Are you dating?'s like, I don't wanna know, you know, I know parents that kinda like, so are you dating, you know,

and I just am like, no, I don't, like keep that away from me. And my kids, my kids have taken me up on that. Like, yeah, they kinda, I mean, I wonder, like, are you dating anybody? But then I think, well, if they want me to know, they're gonna tell me, you know. Yeah.

Do you have a tracker on their phone? There's some app, I think it's called Life 360 or something. And I know moms that even the kids are my son's age and they're still following them as they're driving. It's more of a driving thing, I guess, but that's another thing, like, if something horrible happens, I know I'll get word at some point,

but I don't wanna be tracking you all the time. No, I don't. I don't. I had, yeah, I mean, I have that, but I never look at it. I just have the find my iPhone thing with the family and I can look them up if I want. And actually it's funny, because my son who's 23, he had turned his off when he went to college

and maybe even later high school. And then he got a new phone and it was on again. I just happened to notice it because he lost his phone. And you know, we were trying to find it. And then he turned it off again and he actually said to me, oh, I think I turned that off, I should turn that back on. Like he was like offering to like let me in on where he was, you know, like just like, oh, it might be a that off, I should turn that back on. Like he was like offering to like let me in on where he was, you know?

Just like, oh, it might be a good thing, you know? Which I was like, oh, that's nice. Yeah, it's not a bad thing, but yeah, I wouldn't want to do it myself unless my son wanted me to know where I was. Yeah, exactly. What do you think, I wanna get to the calls because just for anyone just tuning in,

this is the Andy Richter Collins show. I'm talking to Lori Kilmartin, stand-up comedian, former Conan writer, future Nobel laureate. We're talking- Future corpse. Yeah, yeah. Future worm food.

We're talking about bad parenting today and I'm just wondering, like, what do you think is the worst thing you did? Without being true, you know, I mean, let's keep it light, Lori, I mean. I had good reasons, but, so I was a competitive swimmer, and I've always felt like my son would be really good if he just got into it, like he's tall, whatever.

He had the physical goods, and so I, and he had a teeny bit of scoliosis, and the pediatrician said if he starts swimming, his back, well, the muscles will be equal, and it will fix it, so I'm like, bingo. I've been given the go ahead. And so I just started making him swim a lot, and he grew to hate it.

Something I love so much. I don't know, it did fix the scoliosis, that's what I always come back to in our arguments, but I don't know, it did fix the scoliosis. That's what I always come back to in our arguments. But I don't know. See, the one thing I think is that with Will going into, Will is my oldest, I thought, yeah, an occasional swat on the butt isn't bad. And I did actually spank him.

By spank him, I mean a swat on the butt, not like, get over here spank him. By spank him I mean a swat on the butt. Not like, you know, get over here and, you know, smack him with a wooden spoon on the back of his legs. He didn't send him out to a tree to get a switch. Yeah, no, I did that. My grandmother did that to me and my brother.

Oh my gosh. My grandmother once was spanking my brother with an 18 inch ruler, you know, those kind of like long rulers, and it broke and she spanked him more for breaking her ruler. She got like a wooden spoon and spanked him more. Let's go to the callers.

So anyway, I hit my kids and I learned it was wrong. I learned it was more about me than them. Let's go first. We got Jerry. Jerry, hello. Where are you calling us from? I'm calling you from St. Louis, Missouri. Nice. What do you got? What kind of bad parenting story you got for us? I'm not going to call it bad parenting and I'm telling you because I like to find out

if it is bad parenting. All right. Well, you called the perfect place. I already say yes. If a guy doesn't know if it's bad parenting, trust me. Yeah, yeah, probably, yeah, probably is. So I dangle my infant over a balcony. So what happened? Is that Ms. Kilmartin? Yes. Yes.

Hi, well it's nice to speak with you as well. You too, Joe. When I was a youngster, my dad would come home from work, he was a police officer, and sometimes he would come into the bedroom and squeeze my foot to it, and he says, wake up, boy, I wanna show you something.

And he would take me out, and he would show me any of the interesting accidents and crime scenes that he had seen that day. Oh my gosh. Wait, he would show them to you how? Pictures? No, he would take me out there and take me into the crime. It was a different time.

Oh my God. Police were given a lot more discretion. There weren't a lot of cameras and lawyers involved. Yeah, yeah. He'd sit me out there and show me everything. And what was, did he have a point? I think he had two reasons. I think first he was trying to prepare me

for what he thought might be my eventual career. I see. And I think he was trying to un-gay me thinking that I was a gay person. Oh. And I mean, are you and did it? No, I'm not a gay person, but I think he thought I was because I could read.

Well, that's the first clue, usually. And anytime a dad calls their son boy, it's not gonna be good. No, it's not. That always feels nerve wracking. Like when you said he squeezed my foot and said, boy, wake up. That was chilling already.

I know. Just that part. I know, you put us right there. Well, like, were you seeing? He didn't have to wake me. I didn't fall asleep and I still don't fall asleep till 11.30 at night. Oh, okay. I would stay awake until that time, just in case.

Yeah, well, like, would he show you, like, were you seeing, like, was it your first lessons in blood spatter? Car crashes, things like that? There were a lot of car accidents, you seeing, like, was it your first lessons in blood spatter? Car crashes? Things like that? Yeah, yeah. There were a lot of car accidents, you know, skid marks, reconstructions of accidents. But there were two incidents that really stand out from everything that I saw.

And one was a light plane crash that had been at an airport. And he took me out to the airport and walked me out to the runway where the plane was still nose down at the end of the runway and he lifted me up like you see a parent lift a kid at the zoo to show him the line or something. Only he lifted me up to look through the window so I could see inside and he said boy that's what happens to people in a plane crash. You know what? I think he was really insulting your imagination. I think it's fairly easy to surmise what happens to people in a plane. That is crazy. See, I'm going to tell you, Jerry, that's bad parenting.

Yeah, I'm going to agree 100%. There's no doubt on my mind. Yeah. Yeah, and the fact that he had... Okay, well, you agree with my wife then. The fact that he had to pick you up is usually an indication that you're too young to see gore. I know.

You know? I was about six or seven years old. My word. Oh my God. That's horrendous. That's terrible. Yeah. That's terrible. It gets worse and worse. Every descriptor makes it worse, Jerry. It doesn't seem that bad to me.

Well, like you said, it was of a time, cause there's no way anybody would even like they would never be like oh yeah no problem you want to show the kid. How many crime scenes were contaminated? You know what I mean? Like could this overturn hundreds of convictions? We found Cheerios on the scene. Well Jerry we're gonna going to move on. Thank you so much for that. I hope you're doing, you know, you're not too damaged from it. Not at all.

It set me up well for my life. Okay, good. All right. Thanks, Jerry. Thanks for calling. All right, next. This is exciting. We have somebody. We have an international call, our first international from Istanbul, Turkey. We have Aaron. Aaron, how are you? Hello, Andy. Thank you. How are you?

I'm good. I'm good. This is I'm very excited that we're being listened to across the globe here. Well, you actually have a bigger crowd than you think, to be honest. Oh, good. That's good to know. When choosing a vacation or perhaps a country to flee from. Come November. I'll check. Come November, we'll see. If you come to my place, I will take you refugee. Don't worry. Thank you. I'll have an entourage,, I will take you refugee. Don't worry. If you like, like, come to my place or something. Thank you.

I'll have an entourage, so I hope you got room. Yeah, for sure. Tell us what you called for. What do you got for us? So I'm going to tell you about a parent who is so bad he can't even recognize his own son. So one of my friends in college had this. He told me.

In Turkey, we have this like a national holiday, it's dedicated to children of the world. Yeah. So it's kind of a big deal and it was even bigger when I was a kid. So during this, during the time this story took place to be honest. So children of the world come, they do like their shows and also local kids, we always like prepared these shows. You recite poetry, you sing songs. Some people dress in their like traditional clothing. It's kind of a big deal. So my friend's dad, he went to his school

to record his show, his own show. And this was like pre-smartphone era. So having a camera and actually recording something to be honest, meant something like, yeah, it was like a lot more important and like having an access to camera was really scarce. So he went to his own school, uh, his father, he went to his own school and then he like took the camera and when the

show started, he started camera and when the show started he started recording and all the kids are like in the schoolyard and you can see the camera like he starts to record the footage and the camera is like slowly panning left and then right and up and down again and you can see like he's trying to search for his son he obviously can't identify his son in the crowd. Oh my god. And then there comes a split second in the footage you see, like he says, oh there, I found. And then he starts zooming in on this little kid, this one specific kid who's like dancing. And then we notice it's not his own

son, it's totally a stranger, it's someone else's son. Oh my God. And then he like gets back home and shows everyone the footage and his family like obviously including his son says, that's not me, like you recorded someone else. Oh my God. And to which he replies, he says, well, to be honest, he was dancing a lot better.

Well handled. Oh yeah, what was his dad an agent? I mean, that's, that is actually, that's pretty bad. That's like, I, like, I, like, there's been times when my kids have caught that I don't know their teacher's name. And I feel like, oh, I'm a piece of shit, but like, at least I know what my kids look like. Yeah.

I mean, it made me, it made me think of the episode of Andriq controls the universe. Like, you went to pick up the Jake, but you picked up the wrong Jake. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was, like, bad. Yeah, well, that's, you know, the names are the same.

Were they in identical costumes? I will say that when my son plays water polo, when they have their caps on, we cannot tell our kids apart unless we have their numbers memorized. They they have their caps on, we cannot tell our kids apart unless we have their numbers memorized. They all had the school uniform. So yeah, I mean, they kind of look like the same.

That's different than a swim cap. Who knows? Do they have a hat on or anything like that? It just sounds like you're really, this is about you. I've done this, and I just want to let you know it wasn't that bad. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was in a pool.

Well, Aaron, thank you so much for calling. And, you know, we'll be doing this more. So if you got more, call us back. Sure, man. All right, thank you. All right, y'all, you're listening to the Andy Richter Call-In Show on Conan O'Brien Radio. And I'm here today with Laurie Kilmartin.

And we are talking about bad parenting, and here's another exciting first. It's our first repeat caller. Ooh! Yeah, somebody that called in last week. It's Sam from Portland. Sam? Yes?

Hi! Welcome back. Oh my. It's me, it's you. We're here again. Hi there. How are you? I'm there, how are you? I'm fantastic, how are you?

I'm good, I'm good. I'm eager to hear your tale of bad parenting. Yeah, they told me you wanted to hear some bad parenting stuff, and I'm like, oh wow, that's so lucky, because my mom was a real bitch. Oh good, good, good. Good for us, maybe not for you. Coming in hot with the B word.

Yeah, yeah. Let's hear it. You know, let's do it. Okay, well, this time I wanna talk about how my mom forced me to audition for The Voice at 20 years old. By the way, we're in no contact. So, but I would love to tell the story.

Okay, do, yeah, do. Because of the absurdity of it. Well, as you know, The Voice premiered, think in 2010. Yeah. And so at the time when they were filming, they were looking for people, they went into my town where I told you before I'm from Austin, Texas. Yeah. And I just remember she heard it on the radio and she like called me up. I'm at work and she's like, you have to do the audition. And I was like, no, first of all, you know you know I can't sing right? She's like no no no you're gonna be great because I was in a band but it was like

a really shitty punk band so it doesn't even count. Okay yeah and that's not what the voice is looking for. No yeah I'm like I'm like oh she's like you can sing I know you can you can hit notes I'm like okay compare me to Kelly Clarkson. Yeah yeah. I'm like, I'm like, she's like, you can sing, I know you can, you can hit notes. I'm like, okay, compare me to Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, yeah. I was like, who's better singer? Anyway,

Well, now here's the question. Here's my question, the question that's at the front of my mind. You were 20. Why did you still do it? Like what, what sway did she have over you to force you to do that? She's calling me from work and she's like, Sam, I know where your building is and I will show up to your job.

I'm in the car, I will talk to your boss and I will demand you go to this audition and I will make you sing. I was like, first of all, she is crazy enough to do that. So I genuinely was concerned. I was like, I don't wanna have to deal with this. She will literally, I told my boss, I was like, I don't want to have to deal with this. She will literally, I told my boss, I'm like, can I just get the day off? Cause this is one of the companies that they don't let people have days off.

Unfortunately, they say they do, but they really don't. So she was like, I really don't want to have to hear you sing. Perfect. Let's do it. So I was just like, you know what? That's probably a first for each other. Did she do that a lot when you were in school and stuff? Did she come to school? Why did you believe she would show up? Yeah, she was very much, shows up very inappropriately

and has this concept of like, I'm the star. So I would be, I was in orchestra, for example, and I would do these school shows and she would show up with like Dramatically into the room. Everyone had to pay attention to her just like oh my god Mike Yeah, so she's definitely one of those people. I'm aware of knowing that Yeah, okay. Yes. Well, she's one of those parents and So I was like, you know what? Just let me have the day off. So it was for

the next day. So I agreed to do this. I'm like, you know what, if anything, this is going to like give her a reality check, unfortunately, at my expense. Of course, you wait. So as you know, they have to have that aerial shot where they have a big crowd, everyone's excited to audition. If she's there, we have to be there at 4 a.m. She's just, you know, Sam's gonna, she's gonna get to the rounds, blah, blah, blah, and all these people are like, oh my God, that's so great.

She was like getting people closer to me, they're like, you have to know Sam. And so she like sing for them. I'm like, no, no, it's 4 a.m., I'm gonna try to rest my voice, you know? When in reality, I know I cannot sing. Yeah. So, it's where I am. I'm gonna try to rest my voice, you know? When in reality, I know I cannot sing. Yeah. So, it's easier.

How long does it take for you to get in front of, I imagine producers is the first step? Actually, great. So, great question. So, I don't actually even go in front of a producer. I go in front of a PA. Oh, wow. Oh, God.

Wow. Someone holding 20 lattes. Cool. Ha ha ha. It's worse than that, too. So how it works is that once the shooting starts and they do the aerial shot, that's when the lines start going into the building where

you have the auditions. But it's not just our crowd that goes in. They have a hand pick. People they already picked for the show, they show up 10 minutes after filming that aerial shot and then they just go in so they don't even have to wait the hours that we did go in you can hear them sing they're amazing they get picked they're the ones that are handpicked for the show

welcome to showbiz you know it yeah so she's having a meltdown obviously and so that we finally go in and we're all going in like in a line and the first thing you see is this really like dirty shirt PA guy and what he's doing his job is to just judge you based on your looks and he says yes or no but he doesn't say it to your face he did to me first of all I'm really pretty but he made me feel so ugly that day and so I walked up to the guy and he was like, what girl, no. And then like told me to go into a specific line, which was the reject line.

And I just see my mom in the back cause she's like crying and cheering. She's like, that's my kid. I'm like, oh my fucking God. So I go through the fucking line and then that's when I go through producer number one. So I went through like that. Oh, so the reject line, you still, even though you're in the

reject line, you still sing. I still have to sing and I go up to this guy and he's like, he's like on his phone texting his wife, I'm assuming, that's an assumption, and he's like, all right, what do you want? Do you want to sing an original or you want to sing something like from a radio? I was like, I mean, I'm in a band, I guess I can sing an original. She's like, you sure about that? I was like, I don't know why I'm here, honestly. He's like, I don't know why you're here either. And I was like, okay, fuck you guy. And so anyway, I did a song and he's like, you know, I can hear it. So why don't you just go to the next round then? Because even though I'm in the reject round, they still give those few people an opportunity

in case they actually have the vocal talent. So I made it enough to get to the next round. And you can just hear, yeah, I can just hear my mom in the background, just like freaking out, screaming, she made it. And I was like, in my mind, she has no concept of what's happening. She's just seeing me go through lines.

So do you get to the next round, and that's where it all falls apart? That's where it especially falls apart. And so that's when the producer guy goes, all right, so you know you're in the second line, right? And I'm like, yeah, he's like, do you wanna sing? I'm like, not really, he's like, you can just go. Oh boy.

Yeah, your mom just needs to get, she needs to get an agent herself. She needs to get in a band herself. Well, she said they're no contact now. Was this the thing that made you stop talking to your mom? No, she's just, it's one of the many things, unfortunately. She's very competitive with me. She had me when she was really young,

so she just doesn't understand how actual parenting works. Yeah. So if anything, yeah, so I was always the competition, which was very weird in the household. Yeah, it was not. It was never fun. But that was probably the craziest story I've had with her. Well, Sam, that sucks. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, I mean, I have a dad I don't talk to either, so it happens, you know, life goes on. But I appreciate, I appreciate, when Sam called last week, she told us a story about, oh, I just remember, is at the border guard,

after they drove away from the border at El Paso I believe. Her friend said hey your tits were out the entire time. So wait and that's that was considered a failure last week? To me that's a win. It was a different topic. Well Sam all right well thank you for being our first repeat caller and we'll talk to you soon again I I hope. If we, you know, we'll have another issue that, another issue that will bring up another trauma for you. All right, now we have another zoom. We have another zoom. Andrew from Toronto.

Let's get right into your story here. We got a bunch of callers to get through. So you got it. I'm 18. My mom is driving me to work and where I grew up, it's a 20-minute drive because everything's 20 minutes from where I grew up. Right. And we're about 10 minutes from work and she goes, so when are you going to tell me your secrets? And I go, what? My friend Downey is just a friend. I promise. She then pulls the car to the side of the road, puts it in park, turns the engine off, and without looking at me, she says,

I'm not driving you to work until you tell me your secret. Now I know what she was doing. Somehow she had found out that I was going to be the valedictorian of my graduating high school. So I was like, if I tell her she's going to do the thing that I know she's going to do. So I'm now weighing the options. Do I lose my job and not tell her? Well, what is this? What are you afraid of?

Here's what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of what actually happened. So I said, I can't run to work fast enough. So fine. So I said yes, it's true. I Will be the valedictorian she then turned the car on put it in drive got back in the road And again without looking at me said good now that you've told me your secret You will let me help you write your speech. Oh my god, and I went, that's what I said, Andy. I was like, well, I think I'm okay. They picked me for a reason. I think I'm fine. I can do a five minute speech.

And she goes, well, well, Theo from the Cosby show, he led his mom help him write his valedictorian speech. Oh my Lord. To which I said, yes. When was she quoting Cosby? Was it like 10 years ago or just like five? Oh no, this was like 21 years ago. Okay, okay, all right.

But she goes, and I said, yeah, because Theo was dyslexic and having a hotshot lawyer for a mom who's good at giving closing arguments, that would be a good person to help write a speech. However, those people do not exist. Yes, they're fake. Never happened. Well, so what happened when she insisted you let her,

and I mean, was there value added from her interference? I did not. Yeah, yeah. I did not let her, because when we got home, she also married the high school principal about a month before my high school career started. Okay. But she had him in her back pocket. And even he was like, no, he can write the speech.

He's fine. Yeah. And then she said, well, I'll just give a speech then. And we were like, what? She said, well, I put five kids through high school. I'm like, well, no, it give a speech then. And we were like, what? She was like, well, I put five kids through high school and like, well, no, it's a public system. You didn't pay for anything.

You just live close to the high school. We've got like two mothers in a row that needed to just have their own podcast. Yeah, yeah, right, exactly. I got a scam and I had the same mom. Yeah, stage moms, basically. Well, I hope you're doing okay now. Well, I'll tell you what, not to get too personal,

but for me and my buddy Clayton, having you and Conan in those high school years give us some sort of space and some sort of time to laugh, we really needed fun uncles like you guys. Thank you. All right, well, thanks so much and thanks for the call. I gotta mention this again you're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show on Conan O'Brien radio. I'm here with Laurie Kilmartin and we are taking calls today

about bad parenting. Augie from Memphis. It's me Augie. Hi Augie, how are you? I'm good, how are you? I'm good, I'm good. Tell us about you got a story about biking. Yes. Yes. Mother's Day coming up. I want to tell a story. One time, my mother let me down. I was biking with my mother and sister, and they were ahead of me, and I actually fell. The bike collapsed underneath me, and I bit my tongue when I landed. And they didn't hear me, so they just kept biking off but I bit my tongue so I couldn't cry out so I was just mouthing no oh my god and lettuce

pouring out of your mouth yeah a little trickle so how far away did they get before they figured it out they just just turned the corner, maybe like 20 yards, and somebody pulled up in a car, jumped out of their car, came over to me and said, ma'am, your son! Oh, it's not good when a stranger has to run you, your son is behind you bleeding. Blood is pouring out of your son's mouth!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, thank you, thank you, thank you! Well, did you get some good guilt out of it like did she feel bad about it and you know yeah parlay that into something good yeah ice cream but is that really good with a bit tongue? How is your tongue now? My tongue is recovered my tongue fully recovered good and the ice cream is good because it was nice and cold on the cut. Right, of course. Yeah, that makes sense. It was nice and cold.

All right, well thank you so much for the call, Augie. Of course, I love you, Mom. He loves you, Mom. I mean, it's understandable. That wasn't too bad, and that was the one time she let him down as she kept biking 20 extra yards. Right, right, exactly.

Not too bad. I one time went let him down and she kept biking 20 extra yards. Right, right, exactly. Not too bad. I one time went with my daughter. We rode all-terrain vehicles in the dunes, down by Pismo Beach, there's those giant dunes, and we were riding around, and there was a point at which I looked back and she was gone. I was driving back through these dunes looking for her,

and thinking, oh my, she's neck is broken. But she just was stuck, so, just stuck. But that was, yeah, that reminded me of that. All right, well, we got time for one more caller. Sam from New Orleans. Hey, Andy, how you doing? I'm doing great, thanks. What do you got for us?

I understand you're talking to me and Lori Kilmartin here. I understand you got a summer camp story. Yeah that's right well I you know I found out about the theme and I'm a musician and I was like trying to rack my brain about like bad parenting stories but they were really just unfortunately very encouraging so I kind of had to dig deep but I did remember that there was a there was a time, my mom's an angel and I know that's kind of like funny to do a disclaimer right before I'm about to talk about when she basically ruined my life in like a single moment, you know, but she, she

left me behind. It was the first day of middle school and I kind of went to like a hippie middle school. And so the first like three nights of middle school were like a summer camp. And I was really, really bad at camp already, like I would have night terrors, like, and I was really bad at like talking to girls. And I just was, I went to summer camp only one time before that. And I was the only person I was allowed to call home because I was so sad. I'm sorry.

home because I was so sad. I'm sorry. And at the end of the pain, but no, hey, that's okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's what we're here for. The, uh, at the end of that, like soccer camp, um, they gave me like the happiest camper award, which was like super fucked up. Cause you know, of course I was miserable. Um, but the, uh, at the middle school one, my art teacher put on this performance where he'd be like this is like a seven foot tall guy and you have like a big like bushy

mustache but he would dress up as a nun and he would like do an art critique of like the like the middle schoolers art as part of like the talent show or whatever. It's really hard to explain I guess. No, well yeah, because it's bizarre. It's not your fault. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well you know, it's kind of one of those run-of-the-mill, our teacher dresses a nun thing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, yeah. So many bad things happen during camps.

Yeah, yeah. When the parents are gone and there's sleepovers, I don't know. People dress up as nuns and start giving art critiques to children. It's typical stuff, you know. I'm surprised that that's actually not the source of the trauma.

Because he was like, he took me under his wing. He saw that I was bad at pretty much everything. I was really bad at sports, but I was also really bad at art, which is kind of like a rare combo, I feel like. Like you're either good at one or the other. Right, right. But I would actually bribe the other kids to make my art projects for me.

It was kind of like a Tom Sawyer thing, but instead of a fence, it'd be trying to do a still life or something. So you were good at sales, right? Yeah, yeah. Bribery, yeah. Yeah, but he was like, "'Okay, I don't think you're good at any of this stuff,

"'but do you wanna be my little sidekick nun?' So I would like dress up with him and these like groucho glasses and like fake teeth and like the nun habit and everything and like host the talent show every night. But my sister was really like devastatingly afraid of being away from home. And so my mom would come and pick her up every night and bring her back to the house and then drop her off in the morning. And deliberately leave you there?

Yeah, I would have loved to go. I was a huge proponent for also going home. That would have been awesome for me. But she thought, it was like, no, no, like she's already got all this stuff that she's kind of dealing with. Like you gotta stay, you gotta be the one to like make it work so like every night I

would be running down a gravel road just like sobbing like running after her Honda Odyssey just like wearing the nun habit and my glasses and then I would have to like turn around and like dry my tears and like get on stage and like MC. And this was like Carson for me, like the idea of like doing like the none thing with my art teachers, like this is my thing. It's like the greatest thing that could have ever happened. So it was a huge opportunity, but I was just like,

I don't know, I have a theory that that's where I like got my need for external validation, you know? And your none kink probably too. That's where you had the... Yeah, exactly. The nun kink. Yeah, I mean, but who does that? A little bit.

You know, slap on the wrist, never hurt anybody. It's another mom trusting a grown man with her teenage son. Yes. And I hope we've all learned not to do that. Yeah, yeah, especially a grown man prone to cosplay. Yeah. Yeah, that's usually, nothing against cosplay, folks.

It should always feel like a chore if you're a grownup hanging out with a teenager. And if they are eager, you gotta watch out. Right, right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, well, he was good for it, you know? Yeah, he was a good dude. All right. He was also tall.

He was a PE teacher, too, so you know, you know you can trust him. PE teacher, he was a good dude. All right. He was also tall. He was a PE teacher too. So, you know, you know you could trust him. PE teacher's are always good for it. Yeah, there's no tall pervs, that's for sure. No, absolutely not. None that you know. Too easy to identify. All right, Samuel, we gotta wrap it up.

Thank you so much for your call. All right, well, we've reached another, the end of the second Andy Richter Collins show. Laurie, thank you so much. Thank you. You know, it seemed like most of the mistakes were parents just not thinking through the whole decision. It wasn't like deliberate cruelty.

Right, right, right. Well, you know, I mean, well, first of all, we can only take the calls we get. Like, we can't engineer parent cruelty just for our own amusement, Laurie. Well, I was promised parent cruelty. That's why I drove down here. No, I mean, well, and also, yeah, but there is, you know, I think so much bad parenting

boils down to like children being parents, you know, like just that like these are like, you know, parents competing with their children. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Right. Or like, you know, absolving with their children. Oh, oh yes, yes, yes, right. Or like, you know, absolving themselves of the responsibility of being a parent because they're not quite, you know, adults. Yeah. You know, internally. And I also love that people don't figure it out

until they have kids and then you're like, wait, I was left alone to do what? Oh, when my first kid was still wet, I was hit with like a bunch of realizations of like, oh my god, why did they do that to me? Yeah. Well, Lori, where can people see you? What are you up to these days? Oh, I'm on tour. I'm doing road gigs. That's sort of how I'm making the money now. So I have on my website, Lori Kilmartin.com. I'm going to Dayton, Ohio. I'm going to Burlington, Vermont and Boston and Portland and Cedar Rapids? A city in Iowa. Cedar something. Well go see her folks because she's hilarious. One of the best stand-ups

I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot. He doesn't look happy right now. ever seen and I've seen a lot. I've seen a lot of those people. All right well this is the Andy Richter Collins show. We will be back next week with more of me and more of you and somebody else. So thanks for listening. Bye.