The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Laurie Kilmartin: More Wild-Cards (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: January 17, 2025

CONAN writer and comedian Laurie Kilmartin joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear wild-card stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share tales of ghost stories, bizarre robberies, and (of course) clogged toilets!Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hello everyone! Hello, hello, wait, oh there we go. Hello everybody. Andy Richter here. This is the Andy Richter calling show. We had to cancel last week. A lot of stuff going on in LA so we weren't able to get in here. But we're back. We went back and forth about whether we should do it but we realized this show is too important It's too important to not do two weeks in a row people need Now more than ever this bullshit You are listening to Andy Richter Collins show if you want to get in on this show which you can Because this episode,

it's a wild card episode. You were a professional mascot, amazing. Oh. Ha ha. Oh my God. Not working. Try it again. It's a wild card episode.

That's the music. It broke. Oh my God, if the air Oh my god if the air horn is broken. It was damaged in the fires. It's got yeah it's got carbon build up. Oh on our wild card well you just you work on it if it happens it happens. It's a wild card episode. So it means anything goes. You got a topic, anything, good story. It better be good though. Cause Lori Kilmartin's here and she does not put up with bullshit.

No, I suffer no fools. Yeah, yeah. Except Andy Richter. He he he. I already stepped on her with my clown shoes. But you can call us at 855-266-2604 and we will talk to you about whatever you want to talk about. I'd also, too, if you're from LA, it's a very stressful time out here.

I feel stressed. My family and I are all safe and sound. I live in Pasadena, so I wasn't too far from the fires, but far enough that I feel very, very lucky and happy that we're all safe. But if you want to just call and vent about this, because it's been a rough, weird week, and people near and dear to us lost their home. Sona Movesessi and her family lost their home. They're all safe, they're all sound.

They have a lot of family to help them and to be with them on this, you know, at this time. But still, their house is gone. Yeah, devastating. Yeah, and I have, between my wife and I, we figured we have about, and it's like, I think 11 or 12 people. 11 or 12 families that lost their homes

between the two of us in adding it all up. My manager lost his home in the Palisades, yeah. Conan came very close to losing his home. Yeah, that's what I heard. Yeah, it burnt right up to the edge of his property, and across from him, he kind of is on a little mini canyon and on the other side, it's all gone. So, yeah, it's very, very scary.

But you're in Burbank, you're safe. Yeah, I'm between two gigantic fires. No. Right, so the air quality is probably really nice. It seems, it looks okay. Like we have the little green guy, so it seems like it's not terrible. Yeah.

Yeah, we're weirdly protected by, I don't know, lots of concrete and pavement. And I also feel like Warner Brothers personally would not allow a fire to harm anything within. Right. It's radius. I remember while we were doing the Conan show, across the river, it was huge fires.

Like down by, I can't remember the name of the cemetery that's over there. Oh, Forest Lawn. Yeah. On that side of the hill, huge flames. Like when I was at the studio, like going home and I could see, like, oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. the other side of the river

is completely on fire. And on this side is like our studio is right there. So it's just a crazy thing to get used to here, you know? Yeah, I mean, you wake up and everything feels normal, then you're like, oh yeah, no, there's incredible loss and despair all around me. And this is going gonna affect California forever. You know, the repercussions to it.

You're from Northern California. Were there wildfires up there? Did you grow up with any wildfires? I don't remember growing up with any wildfires. This is like pre, I grew up pre climate change. So it was just regular fires. Not to age yourself. Yeah, no, cause I don't because I'm not used to this. And so it's crazy to me still, like I live in Pasadena.

We went to Costco in Alhambra, which is miles and miles and miles from the Eaton fire. There's ash all over the parking lot of Costco in Alhambra. Like, it's just unbelievable how big and how much an effect this can have over this area. Also, if your houses are still standing but you're in a neighborhood that was decimated, the smoke damage will be horrendous as well.

They can't just move back in. Not that you'd even want to at that point where you're just living in a construction zone. A friend of a friend of mine whose family has a house in Altadena, they have to take out the insulation in the walls. The smoke has affected and changed. So it's basically you have to strip your house

down to the studs. So it's sort of like, you might as well have burned it down, because effectively, all your furniture's gotta go. Every, you know, everything that's cloth, every mattress, it's all gotta go, you know, because it's dangerously absorbed tons and tons of toxic smoke.

I was listening to something about how to fireproof your home, and it just sounds like a horrendous way to live. Right. Concrete everywhere, no trees. No vegetation, yeah. No shade. Yeah, yeah. It's like, live. Concrete everywhere, no trees, no shade. I was like, aw.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. There cannot be any vegetation within 30 yards of your house. I don't have 30 yards on any side of my house. What are you talking about? Yeah, no, it's pretty nuts. But anyway, how are you? I'm OK. We were just talking about it. I were, you are, and I guess you can talk about,

you're helping Conan with Emmy, or Oscars joke writing. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a bunch of us, yeah, holin' up and workin' on Oscar stuff. Of course, like a lot of, I don't know, a lot of takes got decimated as well, because now we have this huge tragedy to sort of incorporate

sensitively into the ceremony. So it's a lot to discuss. Can't be the assholes that you so desperately want to be. The assholes that you're meant to be. And also the feeling like how everyone feels now, it'll be so different six weeks from now too. So it's hard to predict how people will feel. Will they be a little bit on the mend by then and wanting just pure comedy? You kind of can't know till maybe week of, and then it's a lot to put together.

Well, good luck, Conan. Have fun out there. Have fun out there. Have fun out there. Oh, because that is, oh my god, I can't. I'm like, what a tightrope that's going to be for you to walk, you know? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like our first run of monologue jokes

were all about movies we think might be nominated, and now it's all incorporating an incredible disaster. Yeah, and tragedy and loss and all that. Nothing funnier than tragedy and loss. No, especially right afterwards People say you need time. I say no Well you also too I want to talk about You have a new show here that's gonna be following this show. I know it's debuting It's a doing right after this show. So you're in two places. I know it is kind of surreal

I don't know how I did it. And it's called Stand Up on Conan with Laurie Kilmartin. And it's basically Conan clips of stand up that have been on the show, isn't it? There's like 28 years worth of stand up sets in Conan's library. And so I just. Many of them good.

About half. About half. Basically, I'm just going to host in DJ and kind of introduce the clip and talk about it a little bit, talk about the jokes I liked. I'm finding that I'm slamming the audience more than I would. Because there's times where you're like, wait a minute. This crowd did not get into this comic

until the 2 and 1.5 minute mark. And they only have five minutes. And I know the first joke was great too. Like, what is wrong with you people? Like that, it is actually starting to drive me insane. There's nothing you can do about it. Like I used to, you know, for all the years of doing that show and there would be like,

how was the crowd? What about the crowd? And I always felt like that's like, what about the weather? You know, like what can you do? And so many people are in there because they couldn't get into Big Bang Theory. So it's like, well, I guess we'll see this other show.

And you can't, you can't control it. And you know, like, and it's absolutely deadly when we would have like a cute male musical guest. Because it would be full of women, the audience would be full of young women who are just there to see Johnny Cutie Pie and they don't give a fuck about anything else. And they are completely checked out

until the final act of the show when Johnny Cutie Pie comes out and sings his hit, you know, Tamale Baby. That was a show highlight though. and Johnny Cutie Pie comes out and sings his hit, you know, Tamale Baby. Uh. Uh. That was a show highlight though. I really should be promoting music. I should be a record executive.

But yeah, the first episode has like a lot of sets from late night, Zach Elefanakis and Ray Romano and Caroline Ray. And it's kind of funny to see these comics I know now, but you know, in 95, their lives are so different. It's like, I'm never having kids, and now they're twice divorced with seven kids. I don't know, I just like seeing their lives time

stamped for five minutes. This is what they thought was important, and this is what their life was like in jokes, and now we know them differently. Are you combing through the archives to find these, or is it sort of? Andrew is, Andrew Groose, he's producing it. It's so overwhelming.

I can't even imagine. Yeah, so I take what he gives me. He comes up with great selections and great ways to pair them and block them out and stuff. Yeah, because I mean, there's so many stand ups that I've known throughout the years, or I've bumped into and they're like, you were so nice to me when I was on the show.

And I'm like, you were on the show? Okay, I'll take your word for it. Yeah, you know what I noticed? There's a block of that we did, a lot of comics were performing in 2017, right after Trump won. And the audiences were not that good. It felt like people were still a little shell-shocked

for a while, you know? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. And is it about anything or just about like, yeah, yeah? I don't know, just I noticed the sets that were like in early 2017 were like a little tough, you know? Wow, wow. It's interesting.

Well, you're very sensitive to that. You probably- I am. You probably notice it much more than your average listener. He's interesting. Well, you're very sensitive to that. I am. You probably notice it much more than your average listener. Maybe I do. Yeah. But I just, like, we-

You're deeply insecure, too. That's the other thing. And I love to blame others. So, yes. All right. Well, once again, it's the Call-In Show. It's a wild card episode. There we go. That's the sweet manna show. It's a wild card episode. There we go.

That's the sweet manna that I've been looking for. You don't have to walk now. Good, I'll stay. So yeah, so you got a call, or you got a story. Give us a call, 855-266-2604. We're going to the phones. First up, we got Kevin from Ohio with, and this is, I love this. We did this once, a whole episode of these ghost stories. Oh, they're the best.

I want to believe that they're true. I think most of them are horseshit, but I still get it. I want to believe the whole other world we can't see as true and vibrant and happening. Yes. I mean, I will wait to see it until I die, of course, but I can't wait to be just full of wonder Yes, yes, Brian or I Kevin. I'm sorry. This is it's a lot of pressure. This story better be good

Am I on you are you are you're on with Andy and Laurie? Laurie Andy, how are you guys? Wonderful wonderful. Yeah. No, thanks for taking the call Andy, how are you guys? Good, good, thanks. Good, hi Kevin. Wonderful, wonderful. Yeah, no thanks for taking the call. Yeah, so I have a ghost story that to this day

is a little bit unexplained to me and strangely not talked about. So amongst the friends and I, so a little context in high school, I did not do any sports or extracurriculars in school I absolutely just did not want to be a part of any of that world So I did a little thing called a lot of drugs. Yeah, I was gonna say you were sucking on a bong, weren't you? My it's throating a bong. I would say Yeah, so I mean basically I just I got into a most of my

weekends were spent not playing football or on the debate team just very much skateboarding and and just finding trouble wherever I could but um so so I was hanging out was about seven I want to say 17 or 18 I was hanging out with a crush of mine named we'll call her Alyssa. Okay. And Alyssa, we were hanging out and her friends who were these like, who these were like these peach fuzz mustache fruit punch stained lips like 15 year olds. Oh my God, very vivid, very vivid.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying though, right? I know Alyssa's friends well, so yes. Yeah, so Alyssa decides we're gonna bring some friends along. It's these three like 14 and 15 year old kids who are pretty cool enough, but they were also really quiet and eerie and strange. And so we had the idea to go, I'm initially from Cleveland. I live in Columbus, but I'm from Cleveland. Cleveland has a lot of just fun urban exploring locations.

So there was an abandoned school that was a couple miles away from where we lived. So these kids said, hey, let's go take a look, let's go poke around this abandoned school. And I'd never done anything like that before. And my you know very very very spooky the whole time I have a giant crush on Alyssa by the way so classic scenario of like I'm not scared of spirits I I can gladly I will gladly get jump into the abyss and she improved you how much of a man I am so you I'm trying to stay calm for her, but what we're doing is super illegal.

A lot of police enforcement around that area as well. So the likelihood of getting caught is non-zero for sure. So we find ourselves at this abandoned school. Like any urban exploring abandoned location, it's just decimated to shit. Lots of spooky noises, lots of chaos. And one thing that I don't know how to, I don't know what this could be to this day, I think about it. We were all just sitting like smoking cigarettes, just like sitting in the rubble. And as we were about to get up to leave, I feel a very, very distinct feeling. And I'm not bullshitting you guys, I truly, I don't know what this was. I feel a very distinct feeling of a hand pushing my chest, like a real like push, like, and sat me back down on my seat. And I knew that it wasn't just in my brain because like my friends saw that I had like gotten pushed and they were freaked out

because they saw me like get up and then immediately like get forced back down. React. For some reason and I just think yeah exactly it was very it was just I felt something truly on my chest and so I I was like, okay, weird. I get up, stand up, about three, four seconds later I hear it again. I feel it again and it like pushes me. And I don't know, like we weren't smoking or drinking really, we're just smoking. There's no drugs involved this time around. It was just us completely. So I was fully lucid in the moment and I very vividly felt a handprint,

fingers in my chest trying to push me. So if there was a ghost in here, he's just a really shitty schoolyard bully. Right, right. Yeah, I was gonna say it's the ghost of a bully, yeah. The shovel. It's the horror. That sounded like a teacher.

I mean, I was schooled by nuns, so I did get pushed a little bit by teachers, but yeah. I want to believe it was a bully from the afterlife who wanted my bologna sandwich. Well, he obviously didn't want you to leave. They were happy for the company, I would think. I suppose. Very aggressively, he did not want me to leave.

Yeah, they can't talk. What else could he do if he really wanted to hear you guys talk? Yeah, yeah. Well, were you inside the school? Yes, we were in the auditorium area. We were in the big, high yeah, like high ceilings and a lot of echo. And so we were in there and you know,

it was dilapidated and wood everywhere and rats probably running around. And so by the time that I got, when I got pushed and I like told them, like I felt something weird. Like I think we all just kind of shook it off and we're like, whatever. And by that point, I started to hear like sirens,

which like we were hearing sirens all night. But at this point I was like, I think we should leave guys. I was that guy. I was basically, I was Shaggy at this point. I was Shaggy and Scooby saying, saying, Rutt-Roe, we gotta get out of here. You're why the movie doesn't have a sequel.

Yeah. Precisely, precisely. So we continue like exploring a little bit. I'm shaking trying to put on a brave face. We leave, once we get back to the car, and I don't know how to describe it, like the car is, we parked a little bit farther away and it's like kind of under a bridge

And this bridge was kind of notorious for you know, just having some shady Cheap stuff and you know a lot of the house with this around the area So it's not the best location, of course, but but we we get back to the car And it's like mind you it's 2 30 or something. Like there's there's no signs of life really around as or something. Like there's no signs of life really around. As we're like getting ready to go, we hear the very distinct sounds of like a party. Like imagine like through a wall you hear like a roommate like blasting music and people talking. Like we hear a party but we're not anywhere

near a house. The bridge is up above us, Like there's not a lot of traffic. There's really no, as far as we can see or understand, there's no absolutely no place that a party could be happening with like something music, people talking, drinks clanging. And we are all looking at each other like, what, what is that? What is going on? Like we don't, we're trying to understand like where this sound and this noise could be coming from. And then out of fucking nowhere, I swear to God, without maybe, you know what, maybe it was the kid driving the car who was

just trying to fuck with me because he could definitely tell that I was, that I had, you know, that I was very much shaking my boots, but out of fucking nowhere the trunk opens. And when that happened, that was like all bets are off. Gas, it's full on the gas. We are going, we are, we are, we are going home right now, young man. I was, I had enough. And then the kid, the kid was telling me like, I swear I didn't do that. that where i did not open the trunk to close the truck and then we drove home and it just uh... i don't know i had that

i've had spooky i've been camping i've i've had spooky experiences i've had i've been in scenarios that feel supernatural ashore j or adjacent to that. This felt very different. I don't know what it was. Things felt heavy the next few days after the fact. If this was a horror movie and that was like ground zero for like a haunting, I would have hacked up all my friends by then. So it was just like, I don't know, just a bunch of very strange

occurrences all at once going to this abandoned school and also coming out of the abandoned school. So yeah, it sticks with me as one of those extremely strange, strange nights for me. Wow. Did you ever find, like, research if anyone had died at the school? Like I'm assuming a ghost is there because they died there, right? Did a kid die there or did a-

At prom. Carrie, yes. She brought it all down. You know, I never did, but now that you said that, I think you're gonna cut to me doing a research montage at the library. Yeah. Like just going through the history of this of this school finding out that a teacher just went absolutely

mad and hacksawed a bunch of children or something. I don't know. I never I never looked into it but that's a great question. All right Kevin well thank you for the call and you know stay out of old schools. Can do. Love you Andy. Love you guys. Bye. Thanks so much. Bye-bye. It does feel like some people are more in tune with that world. I've never had anything I would describe as that experience. And he said he's been adjacent to several.

I think some people are just more hooked in. Yeah. The only, and I told it on here, the only close one that I've had is that I heard my, like a week or two after my grandfather died, I heard him calling for my grandmother in her house when I was home alone watching TV. Oh my gosh.

And I don't know, I can't swear that that was real or that it was just something I imagined in my head cause I was watching TV and I could just hear him, like I heard him in the background calling for her. And I said, she went to the store and then realized oh shit He's dead Uh, and then ran to the neighbors until my grandma came home. Oh my god Next up on the wild card episode. Oh, yeah

Uh, we got brian from illinois Brian, how are you? Hey, how are you? Good, good. Doing well, thanks for taking the call. Excellent. A big fan of both of you. Thank you so much. Yeah, so my story takes place in the air overseas.

I was on a business trip, my first business trip as a big boy out of college. I was working as a videographer and the company I was working for had a client that needed us to go to Helsinki, Finland and then jump on a puddle jumper to go shoot something else. But on the way back is where our story takes place. My boss had never been overseas and he said, would you mind if we maybe like stopped off in London on the way home? I just want to check out a little bit more of Europe while we're over here. And I'm like, yeah, sure, yeah sure Alex on the trip no problem. We leave Helsinki after I just bought a brand new sweater that said Suomi on the front, finished for Finland. It looked awesome and we get on the plane, we're flying back, I order a coffee. The second the coffee is delivered to me, I spill it all over this brand new sweatshirt and I feel like an idiot and the

nice flight attendant comes over and she helps me clean it up. And I'm like, I got all these paper towels on me and I don't know what to do. And I'm like, well, I'm just going to go clean up in the bathroom. So I take everything with me. I go to the bathroom at 30,000 feet and all of a sudden the coffee starts working as it's natural diuretic while I'm actually dealing with all this mess. So I do what's not frowned upon, but I have to do it. I take my number two and then, uh,

all of a sudden I got to start cleaning up and I'm like, man, I got all these paper towels and stuff. I put them on the sink. I turn around, I take care of my business and then I kind of like move I'm a big guy So moving in the small little bathroom I kind of knocked the paper towels into the toilet at the same time I hit the flush button and then everything all of a sudden just kind of goes sure and It's stuck and I'm like, oh my god, I've clogged the airline toilet There's there's no plunger up here. What do I do?

toilet. Oh boy. There's no plunger up here. What do I do? I panic quite heavily. Now, not only am I a big guy in a small bathroom sweating naturally, now I'm sweating from the horrible situation that I'm in and I've tried everything. I keep hitting the button. I don't know if I should leave and ask for somebody and then all of a sudden I decide to do what has to be done. I turn into a little baby raccoon and I start shredding that stuff up with my bare hands Because it's the only way to get it to go down I reach in there. I start shredding the little papers as fast as I can grossed out completely I hit the button, it all goes

down and I need to wash my hands about 600 times before I can leave that bathroom. But I avoided disaster. Yeah see I was when you said you were gonna do what you had to do I was gonna say you know take over the plane. Hijack it. Yeah hijack the plane. Yeahack it? Yeah, hijack the plane, yeah. And just like force a landing and make everyone stay in their seats. And then when you get down to the, and then you explain to the FBI, no see I clogged the toilet. I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor, it's okay.

I was on a flight recently and I used the last of the toilet paper and I, when I got out I told the flight attendant, I said there's no more toilet paper left in here. She's like, okay. And then I sat and watched as three more people went in without any knowledge and she didn't say anything and then she finally went in and put the toilet paper in. But I was like, what did the three of them do? I don't understand. They came out, did they?

I don't know. They shook really hard. They were filthy. They were filthy, right? Filthy-ass people yeah yeah all right well thank you Brian I'm glad it worked out and I and I salute your bravery thank you I will never recover I'm still dramatically getting over you know you got to get shit on your hands every now and then what airline was it before you feel too bad I think that has had to be finished here a little American out there had to be finished

I bring me back to London. Yeah, that is that is terrible then if it was like spirit or jet blue I would have been good job. Yeah, right exactly. Oh, yeah, I would feel so much better. Yeah All right. Thanks Brian. All right, you're listening to the Andy Richter call-in show. I got Lori Kilmartin here. We are on a wild card show. That means any topic, any story, you call in at 855-266-2604 and hit us with it. Next up, we got Hope from The Road, it says. I guess you're a beat poet or

something? I'm on a road trip right now. Oh nice from where to where if I if you don't mind me asking. I actually yeah no like I went to the Ringo concert in Nashville and now I'm headed back to Cedar Rapids, Iowa where I actually met I met Lori. So Lori, hi again, it's Hope. Hi Hope, how are you? I'm doing okay. Well it's been a crazy time because you know a little bit about how my home was invaded. Right. And then, and crazy story, I'm driving in the car that actually recently was stolen. But I'll tell a little bit about my home invasion. So my home invasion, I was just moved into my house and I was out for the weekend. I'm a real comedy fan, so I was an organizer

for the Jack Benny Festival. And I come back and there's a man in my house and I see that he's wearing my, I had a Conan and Friends t-shirt actually. And so I ask him to take it off and leave. He refuses. So I ripped the shirt off of him and he just sat there while police.

Oh my God. While I called police. Yeah. Crazy story then after about a year later, I invite someone to the Jack Benny convention again. And he gets me later on to South by Southwest where Conan was able to sign the shirt. And Conan still doesn't know why he signed the shirt

because I just like, was like, here's the shirt. We're gonna tell him. And then he laughs. Sorry, he's gotta know. Yes, yes're gonna tell him. And then he laughs. Sorry, he's gotta know. Yes, yes, please tell him. That it was evidence. And then, yeah, yeah. It was evidence.

So I really love your comment on the back where you signed it and it says, hi boss. I really appreciate that. Yeah. Were you at the Floodwater Comedy Festival? I was. Yes, okay. I wasn't gonna mention that.

Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, but my car was stolen. It was returned 30 minutes after. Then it was borrowed. You can't call that stolen. But you can't drive it again because somebody else has been in it. Oh, that's true.

Well, it was interesting. Yeah, I got a police call later that night and they had found it. So I do some comedy sometimes. So it was actually inside hosting an open mic when it was stolen and I came out and my car wasn't there. So I joke now that all of my worst fears

always seem to come true. So I need to develop a fear of winning the lottery. All right, Hope. Well, thank you so much. And I'm glad you've reclaimed all your goods. Yes, yes. Thank you so much. Nice to talk to you again, Lori.

Good to talk to you. All right, next up, we got Ken from Detroit. Ken, give us your wild card story. Hey, everybody. Well, my story is about how I became a professional mascot. Oh, boy. This has got to involve some sex stuff, I bet. You only get that job from sleeping with someone.

Yeah, you got to be. If you got that job, you got it from fucking, that's for sure. Yep, I slept my way to the top. Yeah. So it was 2002. I used to be involved in the Second City Detroit back in the day. And at the time I was doing a show and there was a scene in this show about a guy who wanted to be the mascot for a professional sports team. So we're rehearsing

this show and one day I come home, I'm reading the newspaper and then the second page of our newspaper, in the middle there are one paragraph blurbs about sports. And on this day they just so happen to say I can't tell you who it is because I'm still the mascot for this professional sports team. Oh! 24 years later. Wow. You are from Detroit. I mean we could kind of do the math right? Well there are multiple teams so. Well I mean I don't know any of, but somebody else can do the math. There's gotta be a lion.

That's okay. And then there's gotta be the red wings. What do they count as? Uh, aren't those edible? I don't know what... Red... Or I'm thinking of chicken wings. The red wings don't have a mascot.

Okay, so that's one down. We'll figure you out. Yeah, yeah. But the other three do. Okay. The Pistons, the Lions, and the Tigers all have mascots. What is the Pistons? His name's Hooper.

Okay. And he's just a big blob. It's not you. So we've narrowed it down to two. Yeah, now it's two. Don't say anymore. It could be me. No, it still could be me. Okay.

So there's a blurb in the newspaper saying that, hey, this team is looking for somebody to play the mascot. And I go, you know what? I'm going to apply for this. Just I've never, I've never been a mascot in my life, right? Never been Santa Claus, never the Easter. But never done any shit like that before. So I'm like, all right, I'm gonna send my stuff in to this team and just so I can go

back to rehearsal and have a big laugh, right? So I put together my headshot resume, send it off, go into rehearsal and I, guys, guess what I did? I just applied to be this mascot. We all fall on it. Great laugh. Everybody's joking. You know, great. Okay, I did it. So six weeks later, my phone rang. Now I work in IT. Six weeks later, I

get a phone call and they say, this is a so-and-so from said team. We want to know if you're interested in coming in for an interview. And I went, I apply for an IT position with you guys. She goes, no, you applied to the mascot. I'm like, oh my God, I did, you're right. Yeah, sure, I'd love to come in. So I go back to rehearsal, I tell her, hey, guess what, I got an interview. We fall out, we're having a good time. One of my buddies says, I will give you $50 if you

take my Kool-Aid man costume to your interview and bust through the door and go, oh yeah! And I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna ride this out and see how far I can go. so I go in for my interview test she's like you know ladies like it'll be a 10-minute interview okay I go in 10 minutes 45 minutes later I'm still there talking to her at the end of the interview she says are you are you busy tomorrow can you come back in tomorrow and try on the suit sure yeah I can come in so I go to rehearsal that night guess what guys I'm going in to put the suit on tomorrow.

So the next day I come back in. Now, I don't know, again, I know nothing about being a mascot. I don't know how you're supposed to dress under the suit, what you're supposed to do. I don't know any of this shit. But I'm thinking, I'm putting, this is on my bucket list, right? I will be this mascot for 20 minutes and I'll call it, you know Good enough for me, right? So I go in i'm still wearing i'm wearing my my Dockers and a polo and a and a watch

And they get me dressed because I don't know where it brings shorts Wear a t-shirt So they get me all dressed in this suit with uh In my work clothes, and they take me into the turf room. And in the turf room, there's five people sitting at a table, and they're like, okay, well, we want you to see that garbage can over there? Imagine that's a grandma and her two-year-old grandchild who is afraid of you.

How would you approach them? So, just using your natural instincts, here's how I approach them, right? Well, there's a group of 15-year-old kids over by that table over there. How do you approach them? And we go through all these scenarios. Did you hump any of these scenarios? Did I hump any of them? You can't hump. Okay. Yeah, you just can't. them? You can't hump. Okay.

Yeah, you just can't. No, you can't, you can't, that comes later. I mean, it's Detroit, but it's even there. I can't hump. So I get done, they take me back to the room, I get undressed, I'm soaked, head to toe. Yeah. Right, I've got no clothes to change in,

I gotta drive home like this. So I go home, I think nothing more of it, right? Good, I was a character for 20 minutes, check it off of the bucket list. About two months later, they call me back and they're like, well, we've narrowed it down to you and one other person. And I'm like, you've gotta be kidding me.

It took him two months to do this. Exhaustive stretch. I know. So they're like, you know, we want one of you to be the main character and one of you to be the backup. Oh. Are you interested? I'm like, well, of course I'm interested.

It's like Miss America. You know, I've come this far. Right. Should you be unable to perform your duties? Sure, I'm interested. Should you be unable to perform your duties? So what winds up happening is my partner gets you know the aid job I get the backup job which was perfectly fine with me so 24 years later we're still partners still teamed up being a mascot.

Wow. You don't make enough money to live on it but but it's my it's the fun. It's my fun Right. Do you do you travel with them too? Or is it just home games? We have traveled for other for other mascots gigs like birthday parties when a mascot has a birthday party, they'll fly Several of the mascots out to attend their quote birthday party. Oh now that's when the fucking starts. That's exactly when the party starts. It's like all those stories about the munchkins and the Wizard of Oz.

These people that usually they're very isolated in their home communities but brought together they just can't stop getting it on. Well this is a terrible way to find out that mascots are actually people inside costumes I thought they were real. Oh my god, Lori really? Wow and she's a teenage child. She's raising a child. Or is he a mascot? Is he a human with a teenage boy costume on? I don't know. He, that's, that's, well, growing up, my kids, they were terrified of me in the costume.

So if my wife and I wanted to keep them out of a room, alls we had to do was put the bag in the room we wanted them to stay out of. Wow. And they wouldn't enter the room. Now see, I'm looking, cause while you were talking, while you were talking,

I was looking up the tigers and the lions tigers is paws P-A-W-S and he's very cute and the lions is Rory R-O-A-R-Y pretty clever so I'm neither one of those seem very scary unless your children are cowards I I think that you might- They were cowards when they were little. You might be the Pistons. Although the Pistons, they just brought it up there, the Pistons looks like a horse.

Like I guess like, oh no, there's some other horrible thing. Yeah, he's a horse. An amorphous blob. Oh wow. Yep. What's funny, there was a period of time. So as time went on, I became, I got asked to be the mascot for a minor league hockey team in Plymouth, Michigan. I can tell you about the Plymouth Whalers. They're not there anymore. I was their mascot shooter for the last five years of their existence. And at one point, so we have backup mascots too, you know. We have a small team of people because there's just so many, yeah, understand, because there's

just so many appearances that we have to fill. So we have, you know, there are a couple of us, but at one point in the mid 2010s, the group of us not only were this one character, but we were all the characters in Detroit. We had cornered the market on mascotting. One of us was Rory, one of us was Paws, one of us was Shooter, one of us was Cooper, one of us was the mascot for the Toledo Mudhens, which is not too far from Detroit. One of us was the mascot for the city of Detroit. The city of Detroit has a mascot. Wow. Mascot monopoly.

Yes. There are five of us and the five of us had monopolized the mascot market in the area. Wow, wow. Now does it kind of fun little club to be a part of. Is it hard to hold down another job? You know, I mean, that and also does it get you free tickets? Yes, it does get free tickets.

Oh, nice. But you have to see through gigantic eyes, right? Well, I mean, for people, your friends and family. Not for you. Yeah, no. Yeah, for me, for yeah. You know, if I'm not working, I can call and go, hey, I need some tickets for today.

Oh nice. Or my kids want to go to the game, I need some tickets for my kids. So that's one of the benefits. Nice. Another benefit was back when I was younger and I used to go to the bar all the time, the bars in the area knew who we were. And when we would come out and instead of having to wait in line, well, that's, no, we had to pay for

our drinks, but we didn't wait in line. When there were lines to get in bars, the guy at the front of the bar would like look at us and wave his finger and up we'd go and people would look at us like, who the fuck are these people? Now, Ken, if your team got into the Super Bowl, would you be the mascot at the Super Bowl? Of course, or if my team got to the World Series,

I'd be the mascot. Dang, I tried to trick you up. The NBA championship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. tried to trick you up. The NBA champion. He didn't fall for that. Alright, well Ken, thank you so much and happy mascotting. Thank you. Have a great one, guys. Awesome. Thank you.

Alright, Andy Richter Collins show, 855-266-266-2604. Let me do that again. I get so tired in the middle of that number. It's a long number and there's a lot of sixes in it. 855-266-2604. I mean, do you sometimes wanna say sex instead of six because at heart you're a nine year old boy?

Yeah, I would be like, I wish there was a 69 in there. But then I would throw up my shoulder from high fiving whoever was next to me. Noice. Noice. It's a wild card show. We got Evan from Oregon. Hello, hello.

Hey Evan, how are you? Doing well, how are you? I'm good. You got me, you got Lori. Tell us your wild card story. Yeah, so it's about my step mom and my dad actually. your wild card story. Yeah, so it's about my stepmom and my dad actually. My dad has a very specific type, so to speak. My stepmom and my mom are the same height.

They have the same eye color, the same hair color, same build, they have the same first and middle name. What? Wow. And yeah, yeah, they have very similar birth dates. Especially when they were younger, they looked very similar. Wow. The point where I'm like, did my dad really know that my mom had broken up with him and

he just found somebody else with the same name and just like, maybe this is the same person. It's unclear, to be honest. But also, my dad brought my stepmom to my birth as his girlfriend. He got with her so quick after he and my mom split that she ended up at my birth and was there during that process. So I've literally known her my entire life. Your mom was in labor and your dad's girlfriend was there during that process. So I've literally known her my entire life. Your mom was in labor and your dad's girlfriend was there?

Yeah, yeah, he brought her. What he didn't realize, this was pre-cell phone era, what he didn't realize is that there was complications and my mom was having a bad reaction to the medicine and my heart rate was dropping. Are you sure she wasn't having a bad reaction to the girlfriend? Yeah, to the woman that her husband, her probably, was she, were they divorced?

Was there a marriage involved here? There was not a marriage. They were together, she got pregnant, they were going to get married, and then my mom quickly realized that she didn't want that. There's a whole thing. But, so, my dad and my now stepmom, his current girlfriend show up or his grandson show up

not realizing that they're just about to rush my mom into emergency surgery to cut me out of her essentially and my heart rate was dropping. So my grandma, my aunt, see my dad show up with this quote-unquote other woman and it didn't necessarily go well for my stepmom. She had to hide behind some pillar while they wheeled my mom past into emergency surgery and yeah the rest is history. Why she stuck around after that I don't know but I'm thankful she did but yeah it was kind of kind of nuts. That would be a horrible first date, but maybe a fine third date.

Yeah. I just can't imagine, I cannot imagine saying, my ex is about to squeeze out a kid. Wanna come with? Right? 100% It's insane. It's evolved to be like, hey, you wanna come hang out? Like, I mean, yeah,

that is pretty, pretty ballsy, but it worked out. I do feel like they're soulmates because they both make horrible choices and they found each other. That is true, to then say, okay, sounds good. I finally found the right Jennifer for me. And I feel like in this day and age, like probably wouldn't happen as much because, you know, in evidence,

you should post something about it online. And understandably so all of her friends would be like, run, red flag, this is a bad idea. But back then she just, you know, lived her life. And did your mom at that point know that that she and the new woman had the same first and middle names? And were so look-alike? I don't think so. I, you know, actually I bet she did because my parents met through my mom's sister like they so I'm sure that she probably knew that this was the scenario because my aunt was still good friends with my dad so all that that she was aware all about the you know other

woman quote unquote but yeah it's an odd one. Wow well I hope the weirdness skips a generation and that you're not weird and that maybe your kids will be. Yeah, but your kids are weird. Yeah, your kids are going to be weirdos. So it's interesting so you can call in again. Yeah, let's hope that they get the weirdness and it just bypasses. Right, exactly.

They're the ones with no sense of social cues. All right. Well, thank you so much, Evan. Uh... All right. Well, thank you so much, Evan. Have a good one. Thank you. You, too. See y'all. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Vaginal birth? No, thank you. C-section? Yeah, let's go.

Yeah, sure. All right. Bring a picnic. Yeah, yeah. Is it gonna come out of Regina or her abdomen? Abdomen, I think. Old and, yeah. I love it. I love a surgery. Next up from Washington, DC, we've got Dejan.

Is that how, am I pronouncing it correct? Yep, that's perfect. How you doing? Hi, Dejan, how are you? My story is that I was on my most embarrassing day in high school. Okay, sounds good. Love it.

Let's relive it. Yeah, keeps me up at night every few months so I thought I'd tell it to everybody. So backstory, I was in 10th grade, my cousin was a few years older than me so he was in college and when he went to college he joined a frat and like started doing steroids and got super muscular. So he used to do this party trick where if he squeezed his chest really hard, he could make milk or a milk-like substance come out of his nipples. Oh my god! That's a party trick! Hello ladies! And family gathered.

In ten years I'll be taking one of you to a C-section. I see you've got some coffee there. Yeah, so I'm in 10th grade in health class and we're learning about female anatomy and the topic of lactation comes up and I suddenly remember that my cousin can do this trick. So without thinking I raise my hand and ask the teacher, I go, um, Hey, I've got this, uh, friend of mine who, uh, if he squeezes, it's actually hard. He can make milk come out. Is that, is that normal or should you see a doctor?

And the teacher was like, I mean, I can't give medical advice. I'm not a doctor. Sorry. And I was like, Hey, whatever. And it's like quiet for a second. And this guy at the front of the class goes yo this nigga is squirting milk out his titties and the whole class erupts and is pointing at me and laughing and yeah the girl next to me who I had a crush on is laughing super hard as well. And even the teacher is like trying hard not to laugh.

And so for the rest of the year, they called me Milk Boy after that. Did they think it was like one of those things where it's like, oh, you have a friend, huh? They thought it was you. Yeah, he was like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was like, you're a friend. Sure, you're a friend. He's like, dude, go see a doctor. I'm like, come on, it's medical help.

Wow. But it's been a while, can you actually shoot milk from your titties? No, his cousin can. I know, but I mean, maybe he developed that skill. Oh, yeah, maybe it's a family trait. Oh. Have you tried?

No, I haven't tried. I haven't asked him if he could do it either to this day. But he had a baby recently. Well, when is Thanksgiving? His cousin had a baby recently. Oh. OK. Maybe he's helping out.

I don't know. Wow. That's a nice thing to offer a woman. By the way, should we ever have children? Don't worry. No need to pump, sweetheart. You don't have to shoulder that burden all alone. Cause these titties make milk. Oh my goodness.

Yeah, that had to be some sort of like steroid thing, I would think. But I thought like, I mean, cause I don't know. Who knows what's latent in our bodies waiting to, you know, resurface? Maybe that was an old mammalian, I don't know. Yeah, and I have had female friends who before having kids were like, yeah, occasionally there's some milk

that happens, but that makes more sense. Yeah, I mean I had a hard time when I had a kid. So yeah, it's not it's not a guarantee So I'm a little jealous of your cousin right you know because I really actually needed some milk Fucking man They don't have to carry the kid and then they get to suckle them to Damn it Dagen thank you so much for that Milky

story. That was fun. All right, next up and I think we we got time for one more. We got Jeffrey from Alaska. Jeffrey, what's your wild card story? Yeah, because I had to say one. You can say it too if you want. Oh, okay. Yeah, Jeffrey Oh, thanks. Yeah. Thanks for having me on I was told to keep this quick. So the end of my story begins Look this is the Conan O'Brien channel, we have lots of old show clips stacked up from 1997 my show stacked up from 1997. My show debuts at 2 PM sharp. 5 PM Eastern.

So yeah, keep it quick. Such an asshole. Jeffrey. Yeah, come on. Quick, quick, quick. Come on, let's go. Sheesh. All right, here we go.

So like I said, the end of my story begins in 2011. 3rd of July, Shoreside in Douglas, Alaska. We're getting ready to watch the fireworks for the night. And we're at my buddy's place down along the water. And a few people show up. My buddy comes over and says, hey, this kid just came into town. He says he grew up in the Virgin Islands.

And I said, yeah, cool. Yeah, I spent the winter of 05, 06 down there. And he goes, oh yeah, well, some shit went down. And I left at the end of 2005 to go live with my mom. And I said, Wait a minute. I said, What, like, what do you mean some shit went down? He goes, Well, my dad passed away. And I said, Wait, are you so and so and he starts to lose his shit. And so now back to the beginning 2005. I appeared in Alaska I worked with a guy who grew up in the Virgin Islands he said

go down there you know you want to do something different go down now you can spend the winter down there have some fun get drunk whatever. And so a couple of friends and I moved down there and we're getting set up and I should let you know too for the privacy of everyone all names have been forgotten. We get in there with so we're getting we get down there we're trying to find jobs and an apartment and whatnot in the meantime we're set up on Cinnamon Beach there's a campground there and one evening right around dusk we're sitting there drinking beer and this local guy walks by and he's got a big canvas bag and whatnot and a couple of tools and he walks down the beach a

little ways, goes up into the tree line, climbs a home tree, knocks down a handful of coconuts, throws them in his bag, goes walking by and we're like, damn dude, that's really cool. And he goes, yeah, yeah, you know, I'll knock them down tomorrow, I'll bring them down to the bars, I'll cut them open for people, you pour rum in them. You put rum punch in an open coconut and holy shit, you get drunk. But so the so the guy goes, Yeah, I said, you want a beer? And he goes, Sure. So we're sitting there, have a couple of beers with them. He shows us how to open a coconut safely with a full blown machete. And so my hockey ass coming down from Alaska, grew up in Minnesota, never seen anything like, you know, this manner, I can throw an axe and

whatnot. But the show's us how to open up a coconut with a machete, have a couple of drinks, had a great time, say goodbye, he walks away. A couple days later, we've gotten, we're getting into our apartment, we're getting things set up, we turn on the TV. In the meantime, there's this big story going around it. Now St. John's only 27 square miles, there's only 4,000 people on the whole island, so something big happens and everybody hears about it. And so the story was that this guy and his son had gone had gone on a sailing trip come home a bunch

of his stuff has been robbed. He is he goes around pointing fingers and chest of who might have done it. And as it turns out one night this guy's house is on fire. And it turns out they find the dad is in his bed beaten by a baseball bat suffocated by a pillow concrete house is set on fire They find his 14 year old son is In a bad way on the couch beaten to shit by that baseball bat he ends up in a coma brought over to Puerto Rico then up to up to the East Coast with to live with his mom and So we're in our apartment, we turn on the TV, and it's

the news. And it's this fucking dude who showed us how to open up coconuts. And they said, we're looking for so and so he we believe he jumped to the British Virgin Islands. And another couple days go by, they track him down, they arrest the guy and we're like, this is the dude, the guy who showed us how to open up coconuts, murdered this guy and put his son in a coma. And so that's and this is I spent eight months down there. And believe it or not, this is one of the calmer stories of my stories of living down there. And so eight months goes by, all sorts of other shit happens, I come back up to Alaska to work and then I end up even from then I

end up moving to a different town, move down to Juneau where I Juneau Douglas area where I live now and fast forward back to 2011 and they go are you the kid whose dad was murdered and you were and you were in a coma and he goes yeah you know about that story and I said not only do I know that story, I met your assailant about two days before your shit went down and he lost his shit. He started flipping out. We're like, you got to go. He wanted to fight me because I didn't do anything.

I'm like, I didn't know. I had no idea. This guy that we met wasn't even a murderer yet. And so this poor kid, I hope he's OK. He clearly, you know, head trauma, leaves some lingering effects. And so it was just the wildest thing, how that had come full circle. And now where I live is 4,400 miles away,

and it takes an absolute series of coincidences just for me to meet this kid and know his story and to lose his shit. And I'm like, unbelievable. Right. Probably moved to Alaska thinking, no one's gonna ask me about who killed my dad. I'm finally safe from this.

And then I met your assailant. It's also a good lesson for everybody out there. If you meet someone, don't say, oh, I know your father's murderer. Like just let that information slide by. You know, another coincidence, that isn't even the first, another person that I knew from the Virgin Islands, all of a sudden I'm at my buddy's wedding, wedding week in Hawaii in 2008 and we're at the bachelor party and I hit my buddy on the shoulder and I go, I

bet that old dude down there's name is Mickey and he's a Welsh motherfucker. And he goes, how the hell would you know this guy? And I said, Mickey used to buy drinks from me in the Virgin islands. And he goes, no fucking way. If you know this guy, I will buy the rest of your drinks for the whole freaking night. And I walk over and I slap Mickey on the shoulder and I go, Mickey, you son of a bitch, what are you doing here? And he goes, he turns, he goes, Jeff!

And a big hug and my buddy Keenan's like, unbelievable. You drink like a fucking fish. All right, well, Jeff, we gotta go. Laurie's got a show loaded up. We're already into her time. Oh my God, Jeff. It'll roll, but you know, you'll get your full time. But thank you, Jeff.

All right, well, we gotta pick a favorite. Thank you, Jeff. I right, well, we gotta pick a favorite. Thank you, Jeff. I guess, I don't know, I think the milk coming out of a man's tit, that's pretty good to me. Well, of course you would pick that. Yeah, I love it. I love milk. I have to say, a ghost story is, you got me.

Because I hope it's true and I hope that world exists and any kind of confirmation is delightful to me. All right, well, Lori's coming up. You can also check out the Jackie and Lori show, the hilarious podcast she does with Jackie Cation, and your comedy special, Sis Woke Grief Slut is available on Amazon and YouTube. And stick around, you're gonna hear in just a minute,

you're gonna get so much Lori Kilmartin, you're gonna be as sick of her as I am. Thank you Lori for coming in and thank all of you for listening I'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter Collins show bye bye Thank you.