The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Lily Sullivan: The Stupidest Thing I Ever Did (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: November 22, 2024

Comedian Lily Sullivan (Comedy Bang Bang) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear THE STUPIDEST THING YOU EVER SAW OR DID! In this episode of Andy’s new weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about unexpected foot photoshoots, urinating out of a car window, honeymoon fiascos, and more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Sorry we're late! Lily took a long time getting here. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to take a while in the traffic. And she reeks of weed. I was... it's not me, it was a friend, I promise.

You have tuned into the Andy Richter call-in show. It's Wednesday. It's the show where Andy Richter's here and you call in. That's pretty much how it goes. And sitting in with me today is the very funny, lovely and talented, and I mean that. Wow. Lily Sullivan.

An honor. Yes. A privilege. Lily from Righteous Gemstones, comedy bang bang, spirited, killing it. I think you should leave and glow. Some of those aren't real. Well, the glow one I was actually cut out of,

but I like to list it as a credit. Is that, is glow, is that gorgeous ladies of wrestling? Yeah. Oh it is? Yeah. Oh wow. That was like my first credit ever and then they cut me out. But you still, it still ends up.

But it's still listed. You still gotta say it. You gotta say it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, sure, I mean I was in Indiana Jones, but they cut me out. All of them. Oh really, all of them.

Every single one. That's insane. They kept promising me. Who were you? They're gonna. What was your character? It was a very racist character. Oh. Yeah it was like a Polish guy. Oh. It was very, they just. Thank God they cut it out. I'm going down a road I shouldn't. So how are you? I'm good. Good, good. What have you been up to? What's been going on? Not a whole lot. I'm back in LA.

I was out of town for a little bit. What were you doing? I was traveling on the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. Oh, right, right. Which was very fun. We went all over the country. We did 30, I did 30 cities. I think they did like 40 something total.

Wow. But I've never traveled like that before. Is it all improv, every show? It is, yeah, and you come up, you come in with a new character ideally every night, or if it's a character you've done before, you still have to have like a new angle on it. So it's like, it's a lot of thinking of stupid bits

all the time. It was weird to be like, I'm so stressed out about my stupid thing I'm doing tonight. Of course. Yeah, and you're in whatever, I'm so stressed out about my stupid thing I'm doing tonight. Of course. Yeah, and you're in whatever, Calgary or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I mean, are the shows,

are people so happy to be there that you don't have to worry too much about? Yes. You know, I'm old now and I look back on improv days and I think, Jesus Christ, we did, I did like nine shows a week and some of them must have sucked. Oh yeah, well some of them are bound to be really bad. Yeah. That's what I kept telling him on the tour I was like well some of these are gonna be awful. Right right. And that's okay. Right. But you're

not in charge. No it's not my fault, it's Scott's fault. It's always Scott Ackerman's fault. Yeah yeah. Just like today if this goes poorly this is all your fault. Oh I know. I hope you know. No no this is on the callers. You, yeah. Just like today, if this goes poorly, this is all your fault. Oh, I know. I hope you know. No, no, this is on the callers. You're right. The callers have to be good. They have to be really good. Otherwise, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I know. Then it's a waste of your time. You'll be stuck with the stink of this. If my career tanks, it's because of this. It's because of this. I want you to know. Right. This and also the fact that there is another Lily Sullivan.

Oh yes, there is another Lily Sullivan who is younger, hotter, and more successful than me. Okay, maybe more successful and maybe younger, but not hotter. Wow, thank you. Yeah, that fucking cow is a pig. No, she's stunning and she's very talented. She's even gonna be in the new Megan movie.

What do you mean? they're doing another Megan. Oh, like the robot girl thing? Yeah. Oh wow. They're doing a sequel and she's in it. Oh, I've never seen that. And there's, and I have no, cause I watch, I watch as much shitty, like kind of horror thriller stuff as I can.

Yeah. And, but I, and I've seen it and I just have never like watched it. And I, I've watched every other Like the Sydney Sweeney nun movie. Oh, you saw that yeah, I watched that And it was just another one. Oh, I watched A Spanish one that was called it was called Hermana Muerta, oh it was like sister death. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Cause I really love the Catholic ones. I'm not Catholic. Oh you do? You like the devil stuff. I love the Catholic shit. What about hereditary? Did you see that?

Isn't that devil stuff? Hereditary is more sort of supernatural stuff and that's actually almost too scary. I couldn't see it. Hereditary is, is. I saw the preview and I was like, I simply cannot see it. Hereditary is, is. I saw the preview and I was like, I simply cannot see this. Yeah.

I saw it the first time and I don't, I think I was like distracted. Yeah. You know, like something happened in the middle of it, so I had to pause it and come back to it. And I was kinda like, I don't, and then I gave it another chance. And the second time I started, I was like,

this is the scariest fucking thing I've ever seen in my life. I think I would be like, you need to take me to the hospital if I saw it. I'd be like, please, I need like an IV and like Jell-O. Yeah, of just reassurance drugs. Yeah, exactly. You're gonna be okay, don't worry.

Yeah. Well, our topic today is the stupidest thing you ever saw or did. Unbelievable topic. I don't know how, you know. Is that phrased correctly? The stupidest thing you ever saw or did? Unbelievable. I don't know how you know is that phrased correctly the stupidest thing you ever saw Yeah, the stupidest thing you ever did. Yeah, or saw or saw This what did if you seen or done something? Yeah, that's what I want to give us a ringo Seen or done. Yeah, and I was stupid. I was trying to follow my own kind of, follow the topic and think, what's the stupidest

thing I've ever seen or done? And it would just be things like, it would be things like for me, doing some sort of home chore thing on like on a board and like stepping on the end of the board and it's flipping, you know, and it's falling, you know, that kind of thing. Or once working when I was in Chicago and working on a production, an AD told two PAs, younger PAs than me, it was a Christmas commercial, like one of those commercials from the electric company,

like at the time it was Commonwealth Edison, and it was like, put as many Christmas lights on your house as you possibly can. But we were shooting it in like August, you know? And so there was fake snow and stuff, and they wanted this tree covered in lights, and the tree is probably 20 feet tall and he had

two PAs lash a Extension ladder to a stepladder because the stepladder wasn't tall enough What and they were tying to and this kid was going up it and I was just I intervened and I was just like get off of there and you're like well John told us to do I was like and I was just like, get off of there. And they're like, well, John told us to do it. And I was like, fuck him. And I went, I went home, I was like,

you cannot tell these kids to climb up. And I was a kid myself, but I was like, tied with clothesline, two ladders tied together, just not leaning against anything, just up in the air. It was insane. I'm always scared of dying from one of those at home rules that we are all supposed to know, like how you don't mix bleach with ammonia or something

or whatever. Like I think I'm gonna die from one of those kind of things. Or like putting a fork in the toaster. Like I've seen my husband doing that and I'm like, what are you doing? Doesn't everyone know these things? Yeah, yeah, why is he doing that and I'm like what are you doing? Like doesn't everyone know these things? Yeah, yeah, why is he doing that? I don't know, he like doesn't.

Is he real sad all the time? Yeah, now that you say it. What a shitty, he's shitty at killing himself. Two years ago when we got married, it's so weird. Cause yeah, if you're gonna do it, that's a terrible way to kill yourself. Don't go that way, no. Cause you'll probably just get a zap, it won, if you're gonna do it, don't do it. That's a terrible way to kill yourself. Don't go that way, no. Because you'll probably just get a zap.

It won't kill you. Yeah, no. Well, what is he doing? Is there like an English muffin in there? Yeah, English muffin. Okay. We were really into those for a little bit. Always Baynes though, never Thomas.

Okay. Don't you dare bring Thomas into this house. I don't care. In this house? All right, serious XM. What if you found out that Thomas Muffins was like a SeriousXM sponsor? Like a huge SeriousXM. That would happen to me. Again, if my career goes down the toilet today, it's on the callers. Do you have any good stupid stories, like any stupidity that you've

witnessed or participated in? Oh my God, I mean too much. My brain immediately goes to like high school, like getting into cars with people doing donuts, that kind of vibe. But I mean, yeah. Nothing's coming to mind, I guess I'm really perfect. I don't know.

Yeah, I've had fender benders from looking down at my phone. Oh yeah. I have totally, I think twice, I've bumped into someone and then immediately been like, what the fuck are you doing? You idiot. Yes. Haven't you seen the PSAs about this?

Yes. But it's still. I also did, this was a little while ago, You idiot. Yes. Haven't you seen the PSAs about this? Yes. But it still does. I also did like, this was a little while ago, but when I was out of 7-Eleven, I started to back up and I basically just scraped the entire side of my car against like a concrete, like a pole essentially. And I still haven't gotten it fixed. So I was like, it's the daily reminder of my idiocy.

Oh, I just, I have a relatively new car. Yeah. And we have an old house and it's a narrow driveway and there's a gate and somebody was doing some work in the backyard and they hadn't opened the gate all the way. And there's only about like two inches of clearance on either side when you go through. And I was just lining up on one side

and looking at one side view mirror, going back and didn't realize that the gate wasn't open all the way. Oh no. And, oh no. And every time I see it, I'm just like, if only I had, oh. And I'm not mad at the guy that left the gate open

cause it's like, I could have looked at the other mirror in addition to the one mirror that I was looking at, but I didn't. And the thing is it's like, I have a $500 deductible, so it's 500 bucks. Cause I didn't, and it's just. Cause you didn't look. Oh. I know, I've actually, now that you say it,

the stupidest thing about me is probably my driving, not to play into like any stereotypes or whatever. Right, right. But. Albanians. I'm Albanian, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Irish. Oh wow.

Yeah, so it's a really rough combo. Oh, a nightmare, yeah. But I like one time was backing out of my dad's driveway and I literally just backed into a tree. Like, I thought the tree's been there the whole time. I knew it was there. Don't put that there. Just went straight into it.

Like, lots of stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I one time, when I was first learning to drive, started making a, I was driving with my brother and we were turning, I was like in high school, like just getting my license kind of like 15, 16, the permit level. So I start to make a left turn and I didn't correct it.

I just kept going left straight into this car. And the car ended up being like the hot senior guy. Oh, and was he in the car? No, he wasn't. He was parked. The car was parked, but we figured out it was his and I had to leave like a, and I was so distraught and crying, we were pretty close to our house.

I just ran, I got out of the car and ran home. I had to drive it home. And what did the senior guy, did he fall in love with you and then marry you? He married me, and it's Tim Balz. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Can you believe it? That's amazing.

I know, and now he's trying to kill himself with a toast. S. Wow. Can you believe it? That's amazing. I know, and now he's trying to kill himself with a toast. Yes. He should have aimed higher wife-wise, I guess. I guess, other Lily Sullivan maybe. Right, right. She's Australian, right? Yeah, she's Australian.

Another plus, she has a cool accent. Right, right. And I've got this like Midwest vibe. Right, right. Yeah. Wow. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? I mean, you're dealt a shitty hand, you gotta play it. You can't win them all, you know what I mean? Yeah, right, right. Yeah. Well. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?

I mean, you're dealt a shitty hand. You gotta play it. You can't win them all, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm sorry, but yeah, you have a lot of strikes against you. Somebody had to say it, and I totally agree. Okay.

Let's go to the phones here. Let's do it the phones here. We're looking for stupid stuff. Stupidity Trish from Pennsylvania. Hi, Andy and Lily. How are you? I'm great, how are you guys? Good. Really good. Anxious to hear your story.

I know. So it was picture at 2003. I had just graduated college with a BFA in musical theater and dance. So I was pounding the pavement trying to get the 8 by 10 glossy out with the resume, just trying to find work. So I answered, I saw an ad in the Pittsburgh city paper and they were looking for models to model point shoes. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm a dancer. This is great.

So I got a call and I was so excited. I'm like, yes, this is something and paid a hundred bucks. And I was, you know, broke college kid. So I was like, yes, money. So I went to the appointment and I pulled up and it was in a strip mall, so I was like, okay, it's kind of weird. And I walked in and. You know, it's Pittsburgh.

What'd you think it was gonna be, a palace? I was thinking in LA, everything, even the nicest restaurant is in a strip mall. Absolutely. We're desensitized is in a strip mall. Absolutely. We're desensitized to them and you and I. Big time casting agent in a strip mall. Okay. Yeah, exactly.

Right above the acai place. So I walked in and it looked like a regular shoe store, but there were no customers in it. And there were no damp shoes anywhere none and I had worn like pink tights because I was a ballerina And I was like yes, it's gonna be great And just one guy walks out and he's like hey, you know Before we get started can I intrude can I interest you in a free pedicure and I was like hell yeah and broke a shit Let's like yeah, let's let's do this so he takes me into like this just little like partitioned off

part of the store and the the pedicure begins with I would equate it to like a home foot bath from Walmart yeah one of those like little vibratey tubs. Yeah, and I think he put some like river rocks in the bottom of it to make it look fancy. I'm picturing like a mop bucket with like rocks on them. A little plastic bonsai. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, pretty much. So, and then, and there's nothing like pedicurey about it,

like no like buffing, no cuticles, nothing. And then he's like, can I paint your nails? And I was like, okay. So he just soaked- And he painted them black. What? He just soaked your feet. And soaked your feet in- Did he like rub them or something or, you know? Did he at least rub them?

I don't know. I know. Isn't that part of the service? Near a foot massage? I've never had a pedicure. They do do some massage, but I would say it's primarily like nail maintenance.

I mean, it's also just hilarious that it would just be like soaking and then they paint the nails. Just soaking and breathing. Was he just sitting there while you were soaking your feet? Yeah, and from, I mean, it was like, you know, 20 plus years ago, but it was basically just like small talk from what I can remember. And then he was like, and then he just painted my toenails black. Like I didn't even have a choice in color. Right.

So your feet look like corpse feet. Basically. I'm like, I mean, I was a dancer. So like dancers have gnarly feet to begin with. So I, I never thought there was anything like cool about them. And as we were finishing up said pedicure, he's like, have you ever done any acting with your feet? Oh.

And I was like, I was like, no, no. I was like, Uta Hagen, Stanislavski. Yeah. And then he's like, oh, come sit on this bench. And I was like, okay. I was like, well, where are the dance shoes? Where are the point shoes? And he's like, oh, those are prototypes.

We'll bring those out in a minute. So he goes behind. It's just him. We. Yeah. So he goes behind, you know, we'll bring those out in a minute. So he goes behind. Yeah, it's just him. We. So he goes behind, you know, those like accordion doors that like grandparents have in their houses? Yeah, yeah. So he goes behind one of those and looking back on it, like 40 year old me would have run away, like 22 year old me was like, this is weird but I'm just gonna stay because I need money. Right. And so he comes back out,

but he has changed his shirt. And it looks like it's a, it's like a homemade shirt with like pockets all over it. Ew. That's the worst part I've heard so far. No, and he put a wig on. What?

Like a black page boy wig, like a really bad community theater production like Sally Bowles and Cabaret. Oh wow. And he has a camcorder. So he sets up the camcorder and he says, let's just try something. He's like, and he points the camera just at my feet.

And he's like, how would your foot act if it was scared? Oh. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. Your toes were. Yeah, exactly as it's acting now, because I am scared. Exactly, exactly.

I was like, I think my feet are doing that right now, listening to the story. It's a pointed toe. He's like, you know, like how would the toes act? If they're like trying to hide. I'm like, I don't know, like crunching up. And he's like, put your foot in my pocket right here. And he pointed to like his chest.

What? And I did, I didn't know what to do. Of course you did, I don't blame you for a second. Right, right. I mean, cause it hasn't, at this point it hadn't gotten weird yet. I know, completely normal, because everyone else I told the story to is like, why'd you stay?

I'm like, cause I was 22. Cause you're 22. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Cause especially when you're in the arts, I mean, you are so desperate to get a gig that, like I would have left being like, I got paid to do what I love.

Yes. To take my foot in someone's pocket. And especially when you're young too, you're just like, you obey. You do. You just do as you're told. And people take advantage of that. Yeah, and especially like in a work situation, it's like, well, they're just like, you obey. You just do as you're told. And people take advantage of that. Yeah, and especially like in a work situation,

it's like, well, they're paying me. And yeah, it does sometimes take a minute to be like, hold on a minute. Right. I can say no. Wait, also, I just don't understand how you put the foot, if the pockets all facing upward, cause I pictured them upward,

and then somehow you have to put your foot down and into the shirt. They were every which way, and I believe the one that I did put my foot in was facing upward, because it was on his chest, but the pockets were every which way. Like, he definitely, this is a homemade fetish shirt. Right.

What an interesting fetish. Right? And I know what I'm searching on Etsy the minute this show is done. What fetish pocket shirt. Next time you record this everyone sees your pocket shirt. Oh it's so versatile. You can put so many things in here. And then he started talking about this website and all these girls get big screen TVs from

guys who like their feet and they get plaster molds made. And I think by this point I was like, just get me the hell out of here. Now it's weird. Now it's weird. You also feel that scared thing where you're like, is he going to murder me? I have to be nice because he might decide to kill me. Yes. In this shoe store. Yeah.

Yeah. In this shoe store in a Pittsburgh strip mall. Yeah. Oh, God. So it was finally over, and he's like, you know, we can make the next appointment. I'm like, okay.

I'm like, just call me. And I never got paid. That's the thing. I'm still waiting. I'm a hundred bucks. What the fuck? Yeah, because you were too freaked out. You didn't say like, where's my money? Let me out of here.

Andy, how much money would that be today? 20 years ago, how much were you gonna make? Like $112. $100. So you would make $112 now. So we need to go hunt this guy down. I'm just guessing. A dollar, well maybe $120, like a dollar a year. Yeah, a dollar a year, yeah. Yeah. We'll go hunt this guy down. I'm just guessing a dollar or maybe 120 like a dollar a year

Yeah, a dollar a year yeah We'll go after him for you. We're gonna find this creep. I do there is something though And I've been thinking this the whole time That this guy It's a shoe store. Yeah, so like yeah, that's not enough feet for him You're so right to just like every day is all about feet Right and touching them and putting stuff on them and it's still not enough. He's still got to be placing, you know personal ads

About toes Wow It's like when someone gets addicted to porn and it just doesn't hit that spot in their brain anymore. That's what happened to him. He needed to go further. And that, I mean, well, 20 years ago, there was an internet, you know, so I mean. There was.

Yeah, he oughta had an outlet for it already, you know? Yeah. One would think, and I remember getting home and like I was talking to my roommate and I told him what happened, and 10 seconds of silence after I finished my story and he was just like, honey, you just did foot porn.

I was like, oh my God, I did. Fuck. I did. I did. Well yeah, maybe we can find that on your IMDB somewhere. Right, right. But at least he let you wash him first, you know? Soak him.

Yeah, he liked him pruney, clearly. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Pruney. Let's prune you up first, baby. Paint him black. Oh my God. All right, Trish, well, thank you so much. Thank you, Trish.

And congratulations on your career, on your foot fetish career. Looking forward to your wiki feet. Thank you. Thanks so much. All right, I forgot to, I didn't say the phone number, but I think it's on the display on the radio anyway. 855-266-2604.

If you got a story about stupidity, whether you did it, whether you saw it did, whether it was did to ya's, give us a ring, 855-266-2604. I'm here with Lily Sullivan. I wanna try and say the number not knowing it, 855-6855. That is stupid.

That's in keeping with the theme. No, 855-266-2604. And now I kind of remember it. Like when I have to like tape little promos things, I do sort of remember it. And then I have, but I always do look after I've recorded it to be like, did I say the number right? Anyway, next we got Nick. Nick from Arizona. Here. Good afternoon Arizona. Hi Nick. Good afternoon Andy. How are you?

Hi Nick. Good, good. How are you? I'm great, thanks. So, tell us your story. Yeah, I heard the topic stupid. I thought, you know what, there's nothing more stupid than three 18 year old guys, right? Right.

Oh yeah. You know, it's been a little over 25 years. My friends and I, we were out. We've been out late. We weren't causing any trouble. We weren't doing anything wrong. We were just out having fun with friends. We were headed back to our town.

About one in the morning, we're middle of the night. And I really, really needed to go to the bathroom. I was in the back seat, little late 80s, early 90s, Trudeau Chrysler of some sort. And my friend that was driving refused to pull over. He said no He said I said I have to go and and he said nope, just hold it. I said no Chris I've got to go. Well, he said go out the window 70 miles an hour

One in the morning. I made my friend that was in the passenger seat lean his seat all the way forward like you would move it if somebody was getting out of the car. And I leaned out the window, stood up out the window across him and urinated out the window of the car going 70 miles an hour. This is a coupe? It's not a four-door car? Correct, it's a coupe.

So I have to lean. Over the path, the person in the front seat. All the front seat. Your friend was like, this is like a similarity to the first call in that your friend had some sort of like, no, you're gonna have to lean over this guy. Wait, so you were in the back seat

pissing out the front window and your friend is sitting in the front. I would say this might fall on your friend being the stupidest person. Yeah. Going, okay. Yeah, okay, go ahead and piss. So he folded his seat all the way up, so he's sitting in the seat hunched over, the seat's folded on top of him, and then I'm leaning against the seat, and my entire upper body is out the window.

And when you pee out the window and when you pee out the window of a car going 70 miles an hour the wind creates a vacuum that pulls all the urine right back into the car. Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? Things you don't know when you're 17 or 18. Yeah. Bill Nye the Science Back covered this's been covering this a few times. Yeah, I missed that. And you know, so this was my friend's dad's car. So we drove to the car wash, again, about 1.30. We got the sprayers out, vinyl seats and stuff. So we got the sprayers and we're spraying down the whole backseat and everything.

That would easily be the stupidest thing I've ever done. And I will tell anyone out there listening, don't do it. Don't. How much pee, like when you started peeing and all of the piss was going all over you and your friends in the car, you were like, I got to keep going. I got to get it all out still. So the good thing is, Lily, it wasn't getting all over us. It was because it was coming right back into the back seat,

right? You know, it wasn't the guys in the front or anything, just straight into the back seat. And it was getting aerated too, so it was like a spray. Yeah, I mean, yeah. A mist, a good spray. Wow. Beautiful. Yeah, so it mainly got all over the inside of the car,

but I really had to go, so there was no holding it back at that point. Wow. That's hot. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's gross. Sorry, Andy just put on his pocket shirt. Oh, that's disgusting.

I heard about Andy's fetishes a little bit. Yeah, yeah. Oh, a piss shower? No, thank you. Oh. All right, I did that once out of the back of a pickup, but that doesn't peed out of the back of a pickup. A covered pickup because we went on a road trip

when I was in college to Ohio and we were driving back and we were all peeing out of like a little pop out window out the side of the truck. But that did not have the same effect. It actually did. I mean, it got all over the side of this filthy old pickup truck, but that actually probably improved

its overall look and luster. I think, well, first of all, being a woman who has had to pee outside, you inevitably always pee all over yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So this is a common thing for me if I'm, you know, I'm from Colorado originally.

I was born in Chicago. But when I was in Colorado, I used to piss outside quite a bit and I would pee all over my pants a lot. So this resonates with me. Mine was in Colorado too, Lily. It was. Mine was in Colorado. Wow. That's where you piss, the piss your pants state.

Right. Piss your car. Yeah. It's on the license plate. Yeah. All right, Nick, thanks so much for calling. Thanks, Nick. Thank you, for calling. Thanks, Nick. Thank you. You guys have a wonderful day.

Thank you. You're listening to the Andy Richter Call-In Show on the Conan Channel. Give us a ring at 855-266-2604. I'm here with Lily Sullivan and we're talking stupidity. And we've got Adam from California. Adam, are you there? Hey there, Andy and Lily. Hi there. Hi, Adam. What do you got for from California. Adam, are you there? Hey there Andy and Lily. Hi there What do you got for us there Adam? Okay, so in my first year as being a delivery driver for Amazon, I Was a you know, I'm still trying to learn the vehicles, you know, you know wheels engine

Anyways, I noticed on the door. There's a sticker and there's a lot of, anyone who's a driver for like Amazon or delivery drivers knows there's a sticker on the door for Ford Transit that obviously says don't put your cell phone here. Like it's a picture of a cell phone and then it's like for idiots. It didn't work for me because I was like when I put my cell phone here it fits perfectly fine. It's like meant to hold this this so without even thinking I just closed the door full force and I could just hear the glass breaking oh no the glass cracking on my phone screen I knew I had to go buy a new one on my break well see I would say think I've done I would say that this is the scientific method in practice.

There was a problem, you needed to see how, you had a theory, well no, you wanted to see. Well also, they say with babies, because I'm not a mom, but I like to cosplay as one, you're supposed to tell them why not to do something. And so why the hell do these delivery vans not tell you not to put, they should have been like, because if you put your phone here, it'll shatter when the door shuts. Yeah, exactly.

Like, tell me why. That should have been day one of training. Exactly. And is there a function for this little slot, anyway? You know, I think it's to hold secrets. It must be, I have no clue why. Amazon secrets. Yes.

Jeff Bezos secrets. It's the Bezos bin. Oh, the dirty stuff. Wait, actually, does Jeff Bezos sponsor Series XM, or can I talk about him? You can talk about him. Okay, I heard a crazy thing about Jeff Bezos, I would love to share.

Okay. He, okay, I was doing an improv show, and this girl shared a story about him, she used to work on the Amazon campus, apparently, near, I wanna say, near like Portland or Seattle. Yeah, yeah, it's up in Seattle, yeah. And she was what they call a banana-ista. They serve bananas on the campus of Amazon,

like they are like, that's their whole job. Just bananas. Just bananas. And she said that apparently Jeff Bezos doesn't want them to wear gloves while they serve the bananas. Okay, another fetish thing. Okay. And she said that her hands were turning brown

because when you peel that many bananas, whatever, like the, I don't know, like the chemical on the bananas, started to turn her hands brown. And so they were like trying to tell like the Amazon people, they're like, hey, like it's turning our hands brown. Can we like wear gloves? And they're like, hey, it's turning our hands brown, can we wear gloves? And they're like, no, Jeff doesn't want you to wear gloves.

Wow. Yeah. Isn't that amazing? Wow. A banana Easter. Exactly. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

Oh look, Amazon hired banana Easter and banana managers. Oh yeah, somebody brought it up on the screen. To give away 1.7 million free bananas. Nothing about the brown hands though. Yeah, no, anything about brown hands. Hmm. Wow. Very sus.

That is, it's just so strange, like, just that you're, that that was in his head. Yeah. And it's like, well, as soon as I'm a billionaire, I'm gonna get girls to peel bananas He's like I want those hands raw die. Yeah. Yeah, I want nothing between you and the banana Alright Adam well, thank you for calling. Yeah, thank you Adam. All right. Well, I had a great time. Thank you so much for having me You're welcome

Rebecca hi, hi Rebecca. Hello. Hi Rebecca. What's going on? Oh hi, I'm doing great. How are y'all doing? Good. Yeah, good. We're here on the radio. I mean, what could, it's the best.

Being on the radio is awesome. What a wonderful day. So tell us about the stupidity in your life. Okay, so this was many, many years ago. This was many decades ago. I was married to my first husband and I was living in Indiana. Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing. I can't believe I'm telling you this.

Listen, I understand. I have lived in Indiana and it is embarrassing. I've lived in Indiana also and it was really rough. Oh, it's a shameful thing. Where were you? I lived in Bloomington, Indiana. I it was really rough. It's a shameful thing. Where were you? I lived in Bloomington, Indiana. I was in Crown Point.

I was in the Fort Wayne, Kendall area, north of Fort Wayne, northeast Indiana, where they have all the Amish and all that. So anyway, so I married my first husband and we were renting and we had decided that we were gonna go out and look for, we were gonna buy our first home, oh gosh. And so we had decided that we were going to go out and look for, we were going to buy our first home. Oh gosh.

And so we had, it was a beautiful Sunday. This is a beautiful day. We had gone to church and I said, let's just get in the car and let's just go out because you know, I don't know if y'all remember these, they used to have those flyers and those little booklets that they put in newspapers for remax and all those places. And I said, no, no, no, you gotta find a house that's for sale by owner. That's how you find a good house out in the country.

Cause those people don't use real estate. They just take care of everything themselves. And that's money you save on commissions and stuff. Yes sir, exactly. And I was like, come on, we're gonna get in the car. Cause we were both from Chicago. We had moved out there for his job. And so I was like come on we're

gonna get out there we're gonna go on this little we're just gonna go for a drive beautiful Sunday. By the way I love your classic Chicago accent. Yes. You're not originally from Chicago. No sir, my family's from Texas and I'm from Alabama. Okay there you go. Okay anyway so Indiana by way of Chicago you're very confused about your regionalism you're looking for a country house being sold by somebody and this is it's like the beginning of an old dirty joke so we're trying to find a farmer where the house he's selling. Well, you can go back in the barn. Exactly. Well, cause I'm like, you know, all you gotta do is just,

cause this was like, this was many, many years ago. And you know, when people had them little signs out, you could go up and you knock on the door and be like, oh y'all are selling the house. Do you mind if I come in and take a look around and, and sure, sure, come on in. And they would fix you a cup of coffee or some tea or like, you know, you would just sit there and talk about the how long y'all

had it whatever because that's what I was thinking right so so I go down and I see and then we turn down this little road there is nothing out there it is all just open land it is beautiful and I see it y'all I see the house and I was like oh my gosh and I see the sign this is for sale by owner and I was like, oh my gosh, and I see the sign. This is for sale by owner. And I said, here you go. I said, there you go. We found our house. I was like, oh my gosh. So my ex-husband is sitting next to me in the car and he gets a little piece of paper down. He writes the number down of the call for more information. He's like, okay, we're good. And I said, no, no, no. Out in front of the house, the whole family is outside in front of the house.

Okay. And they have their little plastic kiddie pool. And the father is like, he's filling up the, he's got his spray nozzle on, he's filling up the water. And you've got the kids running around the house and they got a U-Haul truck out in the driveway. And they got a bunch of boxes and, you know, and it's just, it's so beautiful. And they have the, the, it looks like somebody's in-laws, somebody's grandparents it's so beautiful and they have the the looks

like somebody's in-laws somebody's grandparents or whatever they're pulling out the grill they're gonna have a whole nice beautiful day that I obviously just completely ruined but anyway so they got the wife is out there and I and I'm like just give me a second because my plan is to get inside this house right so I pull over and I'm like I rolled down my window and I'm like, I rolled down my window and I'm like, hey y'all, how are you doing? You know, like, and they all smile at me. Everybody turned, oh ma'am, you're doing real well.

How are you? You know, and I said, oh, are y'all selling your house? And this isn't even the stupid thing that I said. This father looks at me as he's killing, you have to understand, these kids are running around the kiddie pool. They got a dog. They got like everybody's just out there having a good time.

And he looks at the sign and he looks at me and he waits a beat. He says, yes ma'am. And I was like, okay. And I don't know why in the hell, Andy, I don't know why I said this. To this day, I don't know. I don't know if I was nervous or I was stumbling or I was looking for words. And I just looked at him and he's got a for sale sign on his house and he has a moving truck in the driveway.

And I looked at this man and I said, oh, are y'all moving? And what happens next, this man, he just stops spraying the water. And he looks at me and the wife looks at me and the elderly grandparents turn around and they're staring, the children stopped running around the pool and are looking at me. I swear the dog was like, so here I am and I'm like, and now out of the corner of my eye, I see my ex-husband, you know, this man is supposed to be devoted to me for my whole life.

My ex-husband just starts sinking into the bottom of the car and he's like, honey, just go, just go, just put your foot on the gas. Let's get out of here. And I'm like, and I'm to me, I'm like, no, I can save this. Just give me this. I can save this. I think I can save this. I'll do it. And I think what happened, I think I meant to ask them like, Oh, where are y'all moving? Like, right. You know, are you going to live with? Are you retired? Because you know, like, I'm a person I always make small talk if I go into a Burger King to get a whopper, I'm always like, where

are you from, honey? Oh, you from Connecticut? Oh, that's so fancy. I love that for you. Like what you brought you out here to california This is just who I am. Like I just I don't know. I don't know what happened My ex-husband he's just as he's singing he's like you have to go You have to put your we have to get out of here and I was like and i'm looking i'm like no That's good. I could do this and I was like and I and I realized these people are not gonna Look, I don't know what I was expecting this man to say when I asked him are you know, we're gonna live in the wall like rat Poke a hole put some bread crumbs down in there. We're gonna be good You feed my children ring me fine

And I realized this man is not letting me in his house where his children sleep, so that's, we're done here. I need to go. So we go home, so we go home and I see my husband, my ex-husband get out of the car and he furiously rips up the phone number, and he's like, no, no, no, honey, we should call them. And he goes, honey, we are never, ever, ever calling those people ever.

That's it, we're done. You've embarrassed yourself too much to ever buy the home from them. Too much. No, no, they're not. They weren't going to sell me their house. That's not going to happen. Well, I mean, just because you're, you know, just because you are to their eyes, stupid, very dumb, extremely stupid, that doesn't mean that you can't get a loan. Well,'s true. It's Indiana. Honestly, I would say people love taking money from stupid people. It happens all the time in this country. It happens all the time, yeah.

We love to do it. Yeah, we just had an election that's based on that. Exactly. Right, sure. I don't know, my husband was like, I'm never going to go face these people again in person. That's never going to happen. Sorry, baby. Uh-uh.

Uh-uh. Well, good riddance to him. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Bye bye. My current, my current husband always says, when I tell this story, my current husband always says, my current husband always says, that's why he divorced you. And I'm like, how dare you? Yeah. Yeah. Like, how dare you? Come on. I'm sure there were lots of other reasons to divorce you. Yeah, right. Yeah. Sure. Exactly. I'm perfect. I'm so nice reasons to divorce you. Yeah, right. Yeah. Sure, exactly. I'm perfect.

I'm so nice. How dare you divorce me? Goodness. I know you must have so many phone calls to get through and so much stuff to do. I just want to tell you, Mr. Andy Richter, I just want to let you know that I just want to say thank you. I want to say a big thank you to you. About four or five years ago, I was hospitalized for something very serious. I'm not going to go into details and all that,

but they weren't sure if I was going to make it out or whatever. And, um, oh no, no, no, it's okay. I'm fine now, honey. Look at me. I'm great. I was not great back then. I was not great back then. And, um, so I, um, I had to go in the hospital. I was in the hospital maybe nine times in two years. And what I used to do was I used to have a playlist of all of those, you know, the bits from, or the sketches from Conan O'Brien, like Jordan Slansky stuff. Anytime Conan would go anywhere,

I would put it on my little playlist and I would sit there through the night because I don't know if you've ever been in a hospital for a long time, what they do is they give you a bunch of drugs to help you go to sleep. And then they come in and they wake you up every 35 minutes to take your vitals so that you're not dead. And they're like, here is the needle, the size of a Greyhound bus, and we're going to stick it in your tiniest veins to help you with your discomfort every two every you know two hours, so All I did was watch those videos, and I just want to say thank you. Thank you so much

I thank you to all your staff and all the people who wrote and produced all that stuff I know how hard y'all work, and that's all I'm gonna say. Thank you. Thank you so much Rebecca Thank you. Okay. We love you. Thanks so much. Love you so much y'all all right. Bye. Bye Thank you. Thanks so much. Love you so much, y'all. All right, bye-bye. Bye. Well, this is awkward.

Our next call is from Indiana. Oh, God, what do we say? I don't know. What do we do, what do we do? Uh. Oh, hi. This is Gary. We got Gary.

Oh, God, Gary. Wait, Gary from Gary, Indiana? Please say yes, Gary. Yes, do you live in Gary? No, I do not. Oh. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, honestly. No, it's from my dad's from there.

Oh really? Yeah. Wow. Is your dad one of the Jackson Five? Yes. Wow. I know. He's the fifth one.

Well, Gary, what's up? Yeah, so I do want to say, Lily, I'm a big fan. Oh my God, thank you. Excited to be able to tell you my stupid thing that I did. I can't wait to hear. So I was on my honeymoon with my wife. We took a trip through India and Nepal.

And from Nepal we stopped at a rainforest, at a kind of resort. It has 15 huts. And at this resort, we went on a lot of safaris. And, you know, one day everything was scheduled, but, you know, there was an unscheduled knock on the door and my wife answers and she tells me, hey, they're gonna go on a safari. We're the only two people staying at

this resort other than some guy from Russia. There's like 15 huts. They use the Russian as a cudgel to get the American to go. The thing is, we're going to go trying to find a live tiger. Oh. What? Yeah. Exciting. Well, better than a dead one.

I guess so, yeah. Yeah. So yeah, yeah. Growing up, you know, you would find, oh, you want to see a dead animal, see a dead cat. Right. Right. This was supposed to be a live tiger.

So we go to get on this little, little truck, the smaller, you know, and they were like a pickup truck. They make them very small in other countries in America. They make them so fucking big. They overcompensate. Yeah. Kayla Dickey would hate this. Yes. Exactly. Okay. Good. And now I understand. So, um, it was like a little GMC or Silverado. There's like four of

us in the back, maybe two in the front with like trekkers. They're all in like their camo or like army fatigues. Yeah. And so we go off. On the way we see a Python, we get out of the truck. This Python is like 25 feet they said it was like the largest they had ever seen if not the second largest and and the spirit of it was a like a deer that it had just eaten oh wow so we can get as close to it as we wanted to we got got out of the truck. Wait, the python had eaten a deer? Had eaten a deer, so there's a big lump in the middle.

Yeah, yeah. That's insanity. So they were saying, it'll be fine, just don't touch it. But I didn't get too close, you know, because it's a python. Right. Like it's not gonna attack, it's fine, it's healthy, it's satiated, right?

And it's hungry, right. Or it's not hungry anymore, yeah. Yeah, it's full going to attack its spine it's healthy it's satiated right and it's hungry right or it's not hungry anymore yeah yeah it's full yeah so um you know my i will say on this uh trip my wife decides she's too tired she's gonna you know stay back and take a nap um she did tell me to put on shoes though uh because i was wearing my sandals which came in handy. Right. Or could have come in handy. She said, cover your toes. Because tigers love toes.

They love to eat those things. Yum. Like little popcorn. Yum, yum, yum, yum. Corn nuts. Yep. Yeah, so we went out to the place where we're going to see the tiger and drive out there and the plan is, you know, they tell me to, you know, there's a tiger, I think I'm going to see it.

So I stand up, languages translation isn't the best. So then they told us, no, we got to get out. I'm like, what? No, yeah, you got to get out on foot and we got to go see this tiger. And the Russian and I just kind of look at each other, you know, eventually he hops out. So I'm like, I, I got to do this. So I hop out. Uh, the plan is there's about 150, 120 yards of like tall elephant grass with a path that we were supposed to go through about halfway in between as a tree, uh, that someone will use to scout and then pass past that's a clearing. And then some woods and in the woods where hopefully see a tiger

because that's where one of the trackers saw a tiger yesterday and hopefully it's still, you know, it will go back. Yeah, still hanging out. And napping. Yeah. Yeah, because it's a nocturnal animal and you know, five guys stinking up on a tiger hopefully not disturbing the wild

beast. Yeah. So we're going through, walking through the elephant grass. I make sure to stay close to the grizzled veteran who has a bowie knife. No one has any guns. All have knives. I don't have Jack squat My the Russian doesn't have anything. Why didn't you bring your gun?

Yeah, don't don't carry so But we Plus this international travel, right? Right, right, of course. No wait, she was being facetious, I believe. Yeah, but Andy and I do have our guns right now. Oh, I'm always, I'm always packing. I'm always packing. Yeah, I'm at the Sirius XM studios. This place is a jungle, literally. I have a triple shotgun with me right now.

Triple shotgun. So, I did find a stick that turned my side destroyed. Okay. And it almost turned into dust. And I thought, that's better than nothing. Just in case. It's my tiger fighting stick. Right.

In case something happens. So, I'm a moron. Do you see a tiger? Gary, you're killing me. I want to get to the tiger. So we're in the elephant grass and right by, you know, we're in the middle of it. A guy scouting in the tree, telling us to go, telling us not to go, holding up hands, going real quiet, not to disturb anything.

And then all of a sudden behind us, in between the getaway vehicle and us, I hear rustling in the grass. And my heart drops, I don't know what is, and then all of a sudden it's running in our direction. And I'm, it's just a whoosh. And a few seconds is eternity. And then someone hanging it back out in the in the truck said hey no it's a it's a deer all's good but you know fine so we proceed and no we don't see a tiger but you know it did not you know when that happened I was still thinking what's it running from right, we did go back and unfortunate, you know, being stupid and taking that risk is probably the dumbest thing ever seen. Right. Or ever, ever done. And I,

well, we did go to the village the next day and we talked to an ink, like a really old lady who was telling us about a tiger multiple times attacking the village yeah I'm just looking at the tour guide I'm like what what yeah and he's like oh no no your work yours was a healthy tiger yes the tigers attacked the villagers you're reminding me that I was in Guatemala once not to brag Wow I know that's You're reminding me that I was in Guatemala once, not to brag. Wow. I know, that's the end of the story.

I'm kidding, I was in Guatemala once and we were swimming in a lake and this lady came out on a boat and she was like, crocodilia, crocodilia or something and we were all like, what, where? And she's like, here. And we were swimming in the water realizing that there was a bunch of crocodiles in the water.

So we all panicked and swam in but we just had no idea you know when you're in other countries like you just you don't know you want to see the tiger you you go to see the tiger you clutch your stick and you go see the tiger yeah yeah yeah we trusted the other the guides they seem like they had done something before. We had talked to other people who went on safaris in Africa who told them it was stupid. When you're at a resort and they tell you,

you know, it'd be like a sailing lesson or something, or going snorkeling. Exactly. You're like, oh, it's just an event. You trust them. I would argue that all tourists are the stupidest people of all time. Like, once you leave the rules of your country,

you are the stupidest idiot ever. You don't know where anything is, you don't know how to function, you don't often speak the language. You're a baby. And I would also offer that being a meal for a tiger is possibly one of the best ways to die. I absolutely agree with that. Like I'd be fine with that.

If I learned you died by tiger, I would go, what a king. Yep. And I would end, as the tiger was mauling me, I would say, let him finish. Don't drag my court, let him finish. My kids can come here and leave flowers. I love that for you. Yeah, yeah. I want you to go that way. I will.

Well, Gary, thank you for the call. Thank you, Gary. We got time for one more. Thank you, Gary. Our Jay, Jay from Georgia. We got a few minutes here. So tell us about your stupidity. I got this friend who is now

a high-ranking military official. Okay. I'll just say his name is Cletus. All right. So his name is Cletus. Cletus. No, not really but you know. General Cletus. I hope it's Jethro. No, it's not that. We'll just move away from the stereotypical southern names. But anyway, he that something called Bananas 99, which was like, I guess it was 99 proof. Right. It was horrible. But we proceeded through Frank Ka- What if you can't afford Bananas 100? That's what you get.

Right. We couldn't make the one, the one she sent there. Yeah. But yeah, so we set up like a poker table and we thought we were men, you know, we were jamming some ACDC and playing cards and any guy on the roof smoking cigars and we started taking shots And you know a couple of them took I think my brother took like 20 shots in like 30 minutes

Oh, and me and my friend Cletus we me my friend Cletus took about 15 shots. Mmm, and we were like, this is great You know guys you guys smart. Yeah, we're playing cards. Yeah, and so we we started playing cards jamming ACDC and then all of a sudden my brother's head just hit the card table and Then we were like, oh we were laughing at it. We were like, that's great I feel amazing and then he went late on the bed and then you know three minutes three four minutes later we were all just laying on the bed and we were like what what's happening? It was like, I feel like I'm falling asleep. And, uh, I could hear my heart beating in my chest and it was getting slower and slower and slower.

And then it just hit me. I was like, Oh my God, I think we're all going to die. So we had this incredible angel of a woman, her name, her name was Becky. I'm not going to tell you her last name. She was there mainly to take care of my baby sister who was 14 years younger than me. I was like, I got to go tell Becky. Chris and Cletus were like, no, no, no. No, you can't tell Becky. We'll get into big trouble. I proceeded to, in my mind, I was sprinting down the stairs to get Becky, but I sure we were all like crawling and falling down the stairs

One of them had to hold my pants leg and they're like no no don't Like Becky, you know, we drank like I don't know like a whole lot of alcohol and I think we're gonna die She's like you're not gonna die. You're just idiot She's like how much you drink I was like, I don't know, 20, 15, 20 shots in the last, you know, 40 minutes or so. She's like, no, you did not. I was like, we did. And so my brother and Cletus,

they immediately started exorcist vomiting all over my parents' house. My brother actually threw up in my mouth. My brother actually threw up in my mouth. But I never got sick. Oh my god. My brother actually threw up in my mouth. My brother actually threw up in my mouth. Oh. But I never got sick. This is when you guys were kissing? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, he didn't want to get it on the couch. I really don't know. Open up. Coincidentally, it did also go on the couch. I was sitting on the couch and it was projectile. Oh.

I have stomach issues, always have. So I crammed a bunch of Pepto down my body before. So I actually never, none of the alcohol ever came out of me. And I guess it coated the stomach. I really don't know what happened, but it was stuck in there and I felt fine the next day. My parents got back, you know, Becky was like, you're going to have to tell your folks about this.

And so we did, you know, they were did, they were not really happy about it, but we all got in enough trouble. They're like, well, you get yourself in a lot of trouble here anyway. And anyway, one day or the next day, I was coming out of a hot shower and as it blacked out in my room, I woke up, I was on the floor, didn't know what was going on.

And my dad's a doctor. So I was calling down, I was calling down, she was like, dad, dad, I'm dying, I'm dying. And he's like, he helped me up, put me in the bed. And they got back from there. When they came back from their trip, he, he bought me a Jimi Hendrix Live at Woodstock CD. And I had a pretty loud sound system in my room and he just helped me get in the bed.

And he went in, he turned voodoo child on and he cranked it to 11 and just walked out of the room. And that was it. That was his medical professional. That's what we should do if we get blackout. Yeah, yeah. Next hangover I have. This Hendrix will help.

Yeah. Was he punishing you? Was he trying to give you a bad trip, man? I think he knew enough about the situation to know that I was OK, but yet it was kind of a jab at that point. Right. I think it was a jab

But you know my friend Cletus his his mother was very religious. So she made us go to church camp Church can't a lot of sex at church camps a lot of fucking yeah, that's awesome Yeah, that's awesome. Alright. Alright, alright, whatever. Whatever, you know. Yeah, you guys are obviously, you know, alcoholics, but uptight. There's still time, Jay. We're praying for you to lose your virginity, buddy.

Alright, Jay. We gotta run. Thanks so much for the call. Well, Lily, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. We usually pick a favorite call. Oh, Lily, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. We usually pick a favorite call. I, I mean, we do. I think, I think it's the foot thing. I think it's a foot thing too. I mean, just, it's a shoe store. I think it also was just like really triggering for me because you know,

the way that people take advantage of people in their early twenties, just like kind of being like shell shocked. Yeah, yeah. And it's just so fucked up. And the way he liked her, soaking her feet is so funny. It's like, I just, it's like, at least this is a guy though that really has designed his life according to his interests. I know. Also, by the way, I thought of the stupidest thing I've done.

Oh, okay. I was with a friend. We were ordering sandwiches. Yes. I get my sandwich first and I leave to go sit in her car, wait for her, start eating my sandwich in the car, watch her leave the restaurant, walks past me, gets in a different car.

I realize I'm in a stranger's car eating a sandwich. Nice. Yeah, that was good. All right. Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. What a blast.

Thank all of you out there for listening. Next week, we got holiday stories. Ooh. With Vic Michaelis. Love Vic. Yeah, Vic is gonna be here, and they are a lot of fun. And we will have more fun. I mean, not more than we had here.

I don't think we could. No, impossible. Yeah, yeah. How dare you? But thank you for tuning in to the Andy Richard Carlin Show. And we will see you next week. Bye-bye. Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio