The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Mae Martin: Bad Breakup Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: February 6, 2026

Comedian, actor, and writer Mae Martin (Handsome podcast! Wayward on Netflix! Taskmaster!) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your BAD BREAKUP STORIES!  Want to be a part of the Andy Richter Call-In Show? Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask Andy a question! Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien. Hey everybody. Wait, hold on. Oh, there we go. Headphones turned up. Andy Richter here. Andy Richter Call-in Show live on Conan O'Brien Radio. I'm the host.

That's why my name is in the title. And today, you can call in 855-266-2-604. And you can give us our bad breakup stories. that's what we want to talk about because those are hilarious those are a real knee slapper and there's a lot of really, really funny stuff going on in the world

so let's not talk about let's why not talk about more funny stuff like breaking up with people what's wrong with me folks why would I do this to you why would I do this to me why would I do this to May Martin who's my my co-host today

amazing comedian, actor, screenwriter, and artist. You can find their tour dates at maymartin.net. They are the co-host of The Handsome Podcast, which is hilarious. Thank you. With Tignitaro and Fortune Feimster. And they created and starred in the amazing Netflix series Wayward. And you can also hear them in Zootopia, too, as Tuffy Cheeksworth. That's probably the coolest one.

Tuffy Cheeksworth. Yeah. whole list is because and also Zootopia too. I took, I was, I got to go to the premiere Laudida. I was there. I didn't see it. It was, uh, I don't know if I saw you or not. I was there with my daughter.

I mean, you know, it was a may. It was mayhem. It was mayhem. But, and we saw Shakira and with her two sons all dressed in matching outfits. That was huge for me too. Matchy in lavender. Yeah. And I saw McCallie Culkin.

I shook his hand. That was exciting for me. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, I have, to clarify, I have one line in the movie. It took about 25 minutes in the studio. And then at the premiere, on the red carpet, people were like, what's your favorite memory for making this movie?

It's always like, I don't know. I guess recording my line. Yeah. Or, you know, like, what did you? You know, like I did the Madagascar movies. Oh, you did. Yeah, more in the Madagascar movies. And they'd be like, what is more about?

What is it? And I'm like, it's a funny voice. Yeah. And then they write lines and you do the lines. in the funny voice. Like, I'm not that kind of actor, you know. I had, there was awkward in the first, in the first like press thing for Madagascar, there was a junket up in San Francisco and all the cast was there.

And we're sitting on this stage in front of like the world press. And they asked Jada Pinkett Smith about her character who's a hippo and it's like a sassy hippo and a sassy, sexy hippo. and they asked some like foreign journalists was like did you took to your husband and ask him you know like insulting sexist question did you ask him about how you should play your character and she goes into this long thing about finding who this character was really yeah and about talking to him and working with him with it and I'm just sitting there because I just feel like with all the people on this stage you're going to talk to me yeah this was kind of checked out

and after she's done the guy goes and you Mr. Richter how did you find your character and I said they showed me a picture of a funny little

foreign thing a funny little furry thing and I just made up a funny voice and I didn't mean to like fuck her over I just was answering but in retrospect you know like

it seemed like I was going like get a load of her but you know I felt bad about that yeah no there's no but Zootopia It too is fucking awesome. It's awesome.

It's great to be a part of a good thing. It is. And especially for kids, like, did you find with your daughter watching it? They're such a good audience for anything because if it's scary, they're terrified. If it's sad, they cry. If it's funny, they laugh. Like, all their emotions are just right there. Yeah.

It's so satisfying. It's, it, they can be really good arbiters and indicators of, of, of something. But they also will watch the dumbest dog shit. And you're like, really? We're going to spend an hour and a half on this? Like, yeah, it's great. These days, like a YouTube unboxing video of Minecraft toys or something. That I can't get behind.

That's why I'm glad they're still making animated movies that have horror like the old days. Yeah. My daughter used to watch these videos. And it's like a YouTube channel. It has like a couple million followers of adults. that just take toys from popular franchises like Bluey or Peppa Pig and holds them and does their own little, you know, like fake sketches and crossovers. And they're making tons.

They're making hundreds of millions of dollars. It's so offensive to me. And like whenever, and she was watching it for a while until like I just took YouTube off of everything. Yeah, you put your foot down. Yeah, I'm just like, no, it's just, it's, it's. It's like it's, I don't, there's good garbage and there's bad garbage. Like she can watch all the Scooby-Doo she wants.

Yes. Yeah. And that's not good. That's garbage too. But it's like. But it feels like Shakespeare compared to this. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Yeah. And sometimes I think, oh, God, things were better in the 90s. And then I tried to show a child of a movie like return to Oz or something. It's deeply traumatic. Yes. You forget how sad and scary these things were. And, yeah. Or the cartoons that I grew up with, which were just advertisements for toys.

Right, right, right. They were just absolute lazy. Like, the animation was shitty, just, it was just where they were like, these kids lead anything. Yeah. Give them the slop. I'm watching, I'm embarrassed to admit, I'm watching Mr. Beast these days. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, this guy has $700 million. He's product placement all throughout. Yeah. And it's dystopian, just making people compete for huge amounts of money. I mean, his budgets are crazy. We've been watching the latest one just because it was on Netflix and we're like, let's give it a try. And it is, it's bizarre.

It really is bizarre. It feels like it's like an alternate universe. Like it's not a real thing. No. And the editing is so fast. And I don't think he has any kind of charisma. It's bizarre. Like he's, would you, you know, betray your best friend for 250?

Yeah, it's bizarre. I think I kind of look like him. Like if I had a little goatee and a. Dr. Evil trench coat. Yeah, or a tuxedo with a fucking hoodie underneath. Yeah, that's his thing. Oh, my God, that shit drives me crazy. What the fuck is that hood for?

It's bizarre, but it's very, he has this sort of Mark Zuckerberg quality of, of like, his sense of style is very strange. No one's telling him no. Yeah. I also think it's old. Like, I feel like a hoodie under a fairly formal or business-like suit was 15 years ago. Yeah. not going to see Paul Mezkel wearing that.

And also all his, like, acolytes, all the guys that work for him are wearing the same thing. Yeah. Tuxedo and a hoodie underneath. It's very strange. But young people love him. Yeah. I don't want to be some old relic. I know, I know.

I don't get it. But it is a little bit like, I don't know. Yeah. Maybe this is. I mean, people felt that way about the Beatles probably. I know. I know. No.

And I mean, it's, yeah. And it's, and you don't want to be a crank. Yeah. Because there is like, you know, like. But it is pure capitalist. Yes. Like. Yes.

Yeah. And also, and it does have that, again, like the dystopian sort of somehow. And it's no, it's no coincidence that it's very squid game. Yes. It's like how so many, so many Korean dramas are about like. Yeah. The haves and the have nots and the sort of supposedly redemptive power of. money and how corrupting it can be.

And it's like, yeah, it's kind of, but this is real. I saw this one where he took two strangers, a man and a woman, put them in an underground windowless bunker for 100 days. And it was torture. Yeah, of course. Yeah, and there were alarms going off in the middle of the night and they were, they couldn't sleep. Oh, that's fun.

Yeah. Boy, that's great view. It was incredible television, but really bizarre. Wow. And they're all like, yeah. Anyway, how are you doing it? Anyway, I'm doing fine. Let's talk about breakups.

Oh, yeah, let's. Yeah, I know. I was thinking, because I always think like, well, do I have something to share on the topic of the show? And, like, mine is like, oh, well, I got divorced after 25 years of marriage. Yeah, not fun. Not fun. There's not a lot I want to share from that other than, yeah, I don't recommend it. Divorce after, well, divorce just generally.

I know. feel really grateful that I've avoided a divorce so far. Oh, I've avoided a marriage, but I've been engaged twice. Oh, really? Yeah, but yeah, breakups suck. They're bad news. I feel like maybe the first time I met you within minutes I was telling you about a breakup I was having or you were talking about your- Well, because it was some, I didn't know about the breakup. Oh, right. And I had, and I had just seen lots of, I think, Instagrams of you guys's happy existence. And I was like, so how's everything going and you're like oh yeah not good yeah oops i know and it really like being publicly with someone i think even if you don't have a public profile putting stuff on

instagram and stuff and then what do you do take the pictures down like what do you it's so yeah um yeah i've had a lot of bad breakups i feel i've probably been on both sides of them too i'm sure i've been brutal with people yeah yeah when you when you break up with people what what has been your M.O. I think the right thing to do is to go no contact for a while after. Yeah. But I've struggled to do that and kind of dragged it out and then, you know. Check in and see how they're doing kind of stuff. Yeah, which is torture if you've been broken up with. Yeah. But also it's really hard to be the one doing the breaking up as well. I don't envy. Like, that sucks. Yeah. Yeah. It's so, we're all just little babies and we want love. Yeah. Yeah. And you, when you break up with someone, you'd feel like you'll

never find it again. Yeah. And then you do. I have such like a profound allergy to being the bad guy. Yeah. You'll stay in it till the bitter end. Absolutely. And I mean, and I don't even have like a ton of, because I'm very, I'm very monogamous. Yeah. I've been, you know, like I say, I was married for 25 five years. So I don't even have a bunch of like, oh, I had so many crazy relationships like two or three before, you know, I got, I got married for all those years. And then, you know, I did date for a while outside of after I, my wife and I split, my ex-wife and I split. So I did have some experience of like ending brief things. Yeah. Of like ending kind of more situation ship kind of things but some that were like you know like okay yeah this is a thing and I really tried hard but

I mean I'm a fucking grown up by now I'm in my fucking 50s like yeah I should probably do this right and be communicative and yeah and not be afraid and stand you know like just stand there and go look here's what I got to say yeah here's and I know it sucks and I know it's hurtful but this is you're doing them a favor yeah yeah I've had the worst are in your routines, I think, where people are, everyone's just freestyling, not sure what to do. Yeah. I had someone break out with me, and before she broke out with me, she put on, a CD at the time of Bob Dylan's shelter from the storm.

Like, she put on a soundtrack to the breakup just to make it doubly cinematic, I guess. And it was like, now that song's ruined for me. What are you doing? Hold on, Meg. One second. Hold on. Let me set the mood. Yeah.

Goodbye. Yeah, brutal. Yeah. It should have been, nah, nah, nah, nah, that would be a good

breakup song. It is good to get a laugh in the midst of a breakup. I've done that. Like someone was breaking up with me and saying, I'm actually going to be with this other person.

And the other person happens, her hair looks like a wig. And so I was glad that I was able to say, okay, and her hair looks like a wig and it got a laugh. And I was like, okay.

Enjoy the wig. Good to get a laugh. Yeah. Well, yeah, you should let that be spontaneous. Yes. Don't have the line loaded up and ready to go. That's true. I don't think that's a good one.

Your little quivering voice. Yeah. Wait a minute. What else? What else? Yeah. What can I tell you? What can I tell you?

Let's go to the calls. I'm curious what people are going to say. Yeah, we want to, let's hear about your breakups, folks. We got Annette from Calgary. Hi, Annette. Hi, thanks so much for having me. Hey, thanks for having me. Sure, sure. You got me and May. What's up? Hi, Annette. Hi. Hi there. So I was dating this guy back in the early 2000s when I was living in Toronto, and he was a musician, and things got pretty serious pretty quickly. He was telling me he loved me and that we were soulmates and he wanted to marry me and all of that really great red flag love bomby stuff. So there came a point where he needed to move back to the U.S. and his band was going to go.

on tour on the way. And we didn't have cell phones at this point. So in order to maintain our long-distance soulmate relationship, we had email and we had landlines. So while he was on tour, I would Google the cities. His band was in and his band name just to see shots from the show and reviews and stuff. And I came across this woman's live journal account. You remember those blogs? Yes, I do. And so he stopped in her city. And she, clearly had a crush on him, which is fine, but she said she hung out with his band after the show and that she ended up sleeping in their tour bus. And I was like, okay, I asked him about it when we talked. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, you know, she was just a groupie. And I'm like, okay,

Bon Jovi. And he gets up in the city. And I keep checking this girl's account because I've got a bad feeling. And she's clearly still talking to him. At one point, she says that the band asked her to be the cover model for their next album, which again, I was like, she was this goth, gorgeous beauty, and I was like, little Susie Sunshine. So, okay, that's fine. But then I guess the moment I really knew it was over was when I checked her live journal and she said she was moving to a state to move in with him. Oh my God. So there was a whole relationship going on that there was a whole relationship going on and I was just too naive to pick up on it. Oh, bless my heart.

And what does he say when you confront him with it? Yeah. He kept lying about it. Right. And like, my dude, she's moving in with you. Like, I know I'm in Canada, but this is legit. And was he making you feel crazy for doing the detective work and stuff? Oh, 100%.

Yeah. Why are you obsessed with her? Yeah. Yeah. Just don't even look at that. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry on behalf of Toronto as well. And I'm from Toronto.

I wonder if I know. Do I know? I love Toronto. Yeah, okay. That's good. No, we wouldn't give him free promo anyway. Yes. But like they say the best revenge is a life well lived.

And so I just led an awesome life. And I'm sure he didn't. Oh. Wow. Yeah, listen, there's nothing wrong with being. motivated by vague revenge. Like, yeah. Yeah.

Right. Yes, a little bit of spite. There's one aspect of your story that, that does, and that's always amazed me, is that you said, like when you said, there was something about her live post that you just, like, you're like, yeah, you had a feeling. And there's nothing, there's, you know, there's nothing concrete, but there is like, it's the same thing. Like, I've worked with different groups of, like, creative.

people and when two people start hooking up yeah you just are like oh you guys are fucking yeah like and you there's nothing really you're just sort of like one day look at you know or you see them talking to each other like oh they're fucking now yeah it really is amazing how under animal we are about stuff like that yeah you knew on some level oh yeah you gotta trust that yeah wow so you dodged a bullet though for sure i mean i did i did i did Is the guy's band still current and viable? Or do you not know any? Like, I mean, you have to be honest.

You have to be checked on him. Yeah, let's be real. Of course I checked. No, at some point he became, after being a failed musician, he became a failed realtor. And I'm sure he's a failed something else now. I was going to say real estate. Yeah.

Oh, real estate. Poor real estate. Smarmy. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the Poubell of. of garbage people. Yeah.

I had a live journal in my teens. I had a live journal account. And I think I was about 13 or 14. And I was hanging out at comedy clubs a lot. And I was, no one was reading the live journal, but I was lying on the live journal and going, after the show, I hung out with these comedians.

I was 13. Oh, my gosh. I was a child. But I'd never hung out with them. And then they found the live journal. The comedians were Googling themselves, I guess. And they were like, hey, are you the kid who said we went to an Indian restaurant

together and I was like oh this must have been someone else I know I know and also it's putting them in the position of being like you were hanging out with a 13 year old you were socializing out and late at night with a 13 year old you took this random kid for a curry yeah but that was the weird thing about blogs is we sincerely thought no one was reading them we were putting them out there but we're like people won't actually Google me yeah yeah and yet no that's I never blogged, but like when I started on Twitter, I didn't. And it's not like I'd been on TV for a number of years when I started on Twitter. But I'm still like just a normal person that thinks like, nobody's going to notice this.

And then I wouldn't make Twitter at that time too is like the joke gym. Yeah. You go in and just tell jokes and make jokes and say funny things. And there would be sometimes formats and especially working on a late night talk show where there's a joke that there's a blank there and it's calling for a famous person to be put into the blank. Yes. You know, and it's just and I mean, and at that time, that was part of my job to think, okay, here's the structure of a joke.

It's about somebody that say is too horny. Yeah. Or Phil. And then you're like, you throw in the celebrity. Who would be good to do that? No, not that person, this person. And there was a couple times where I did jokes like that and threw them in. And within five minutes, the person's like, hey, what the fuck, man?

Yeah. Like, why me? And I'm like, I'm sorry. Oh, it wasn't really. about you. It was about jokes. You know, your public persona and oh shit, that's right. People do read this stuff. Yeah.

My friend's uncle got Twitter, didn't understand that it he was an older guy, technophobe, didn't understand it wasn't a search engine. And so he did a tweet that was just nude Melania Trump. There have been a few of those. Yeah. Nude Melania.

Yeah. Newed Melania Trump. Oh, and there there are hits on that one. Yeah. There are hits on that one. Yeah. Well, Annette, thank you so much for calling. Thanks, Annette.

Yeah, thanks for having me. It was so great to talk to you, too. Oh, yeah. Talk to you. All right, 855-266-2604. May Martin and I are talking about your breakups and maybe ours a little, but, you know, mostly yours. And next up, we got Nolan from Houston. Hello.

Nolan. May and I are here. How's going. Good. How are you? It is awesome to talk to you all today. Hi, Nolan. Hi. So tell us. Our chemistry is off the charts already.

What's going on, man? Tell us about your breakup. Terrible breakup story. So this took place. I was working at a Sears in Austin, Texas. Sexy. I was selling mattresses there. Yeah.

Ooh. Double sexy. Yeah. I know. Hot job. Hot job. I get a phone call from this woman who I've been dating for two or three months, but I'd known for a couple of years. And I had like had a crush

on her first week for a long time. So I am mega head over heels at this point. So I run into our warehouse area to take the call. And I hear just some kind of like garbled sounds. I don't really know what's what's coming out of the phone. And I just hear breaking up, breaking up. And I'm just like, yeah, the reception is terrible back here. Oh, no. No, no. We're breaking up. We're breaking up. We're breaking up. So I'm devastated and I just basically just like walk back out to my co-workers. I'm like, I just got dumped on the phone. So I'm going home now.

Right. And I just leave. I go home. I'm moping around. I get a call from her like another couple hours later. And she invites me to go to her place for pizza. I'm like, okay. I guess we probably have some things we need to talk about.

And she says, do we? And I say you breaking up with me. And she says, did I? It turns out she's been day drinking and she broke up with me and she kept drinking and then she blacked out. And then she called me with the plan to invite me to her house to break up with me. Oh, wow. Oh, she was planning on breaking up with you over the pizza, but she'd already just done it. that sucks too because I'm because she did not remember it because she'd been drinking and I'm this is Austin Texas and it we were in our 20s like that's yeah that's and you probably this is my guess because this is what I would have thought I would have been sad about the breakup then the call and

like want to come over and I would think like okay this is for one last fuck yeah you know this is going to be like come on over like I feel bad it was so abrupt you were at work or yeah or maybe she thinks she made a mistake yeah let's soften the blow. Yeah. Yeah. Like this, I was far stupider.

I was like, oh, I can fix this. Yeah. Oh, I can fix this. I could not. We went over there.

We had a talk. The pizza set there uneaten. And, you know, it was just something that hadn't worked out. And she tried really hard

for me to take the leftover pizza home. I rejected the breakup consolation pizza. I was not going to have that. Did you stay friends at all? And yeah. We, it was not cool for a while, but then I realized it was the funniest thing that had possibly

ever happened to me. And we actually, we did become like friends again later on. Yeah. Okay. That's good. And did she confront her drinking demons. Yeah. Because that's not good. No, blackout. Actually, she did go sober a couple of years later, but like it wasn't like a super problem thing. I think it was just maybe, maybe she was having a building up to courage to have a conversation later and got a little too ahead of it. Right. Right. I mean, the thing about being broken up with is then at least you have license to get the sympathy from your coworkers and your friends and everyone's sort of looking out for you. Yeah.

You know, if you're just with pizza and drunk and breaking up with people, you don't get the. I'm glad you stayed friends, though, because you had known her a couple of years before dating. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, it took a little while, but we did become friends again. So that's nice to see. Nolan, I would have given you permission to never speak to her again. You can be vindicted.

If somebody fucks you over like that, you don't have to be their friend. It's nice. Sure, it's nice. Yeah. And it does sometimes seem like it takes a lot less psychic energy to kind of. Oh, to stay friends. To move on and be like, all right. Yeah, like bygones, speak bygones.

But then there's also sort of the, it's sort of like the social media version brought to real life, which is I'm blocking you. Yeah. And now you don't exist. and, you know, I'm making the dusting off my hands motion. The worst is staying friends of someone because you hope you, that if you're just an incredible friend, they're going to change their mind. That was my youth. Yeah.

Just that was so fucking stupid. You were such a good friend to so many people. Yeah. Yeah, no. I'm just like, oh, God, don't, you know. And also, too, there's plenty of people in the world who will let you harbor those hopes. Yes. With no intention of really anything really happening, maybe a glimmer.

They're like, well, you know what, I do like you. But they will sort of like where you're like keep you on the back burner. There were concrete examples of signs that you were kind of still saying maybe. Like, yeah, I know. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Now go away.

Yeah, but take the pizza with you. Yeah, but take the pizza. All right, Nolan. Yeah, that was probably my mistake. Yeah. He should have taken the pizza and at least smeared it on her car. Oh, my God. Yeah, just rubbed the wind.

Yeah, yeah. Or put it under the seats of her car. Oh, that's good. That's a good one. Stuff in the exhaust pipe? Yeah, sure. Glove box. She actually has a footer, so that's roping up a lot of different.

Perfect. Underneath the seat. Yeah, you just roll up some dominoes and stick it in there. Wrap it around the handles. Yeah. All right, Nolan, thanks for the call. My pleasure. Thanks so much.

Talk to you later. All right, we have Audrey from WDC, Washington, D.C. I have, I'm in a big hurry. I don't have time to say Washington, D.C. Hey, Audrey. We have a C. out here. Hi, I'm so excited to be here.

What's the vibe like in D.C. right now? Pretty chill, I guess. Oh, I don't want to bring down the vibe of this. Sorry. Paulin show talking about that. Yeah, sorry about that. Breakups. Breakups are lighthearted.

DC is a drag. Yeah, let's talk about your heartbreak instead. Yeah, right. Not that this story is really going to uplift the mood. So basically, I've known this guy since high school. We remained super close friends for years. And then finally in our early 20s, we started dating long distance. About six months in, he asked me to be his date to the Marine Corps ball.

I asked when it is. And it's the night before this massive weekend long work event. So I'm like, hey, I'm so sorry, there's no way it can fly out. He's completely understanding. We move on from it. No big deal. Fast forward to the morning of my event, which is maybe like a month later, I'm scrolling through Facebook while getting ready,

and I see that he was tagged in a photo album from the ball. So I flipped through it, and there's a photo of him in his high school X. And I'm immediately like, huh, that's weird, but I'm about to work, no joke, 40 hours over the next three days. So I file it in my brain under. I can't think about this right now. We'll talk about this later. The event does not go super great for reasons that aren't important.

But, like, I'm in a pretty bad headspace when I get a call from him. I immediately just, like, pick up the phone, start talking about the woes of the weekend. I'm expecting my boyfriend to comfort me. But he's weirdly silent and he was not a quiet dude. So finally, I'm like, what's going on? Why are you so quiet? And he very seriously goes, I need to tell you something. I go, okay.

And this dude goes, I'm engaged. I genuinely, yeah, I laugh because I think he's pulling a prank on me. No, it turns out he managed to reconnect with his high school ex and propose to her all in like the month since he called asking about the ball. Wow. So, yeah, the guy I was dating broke up with me by getting engaged to someone else. Oh my God. And had you been talking over that month leading up to the ball? Like, you were still in touch, right?

Oh yeah, still totally in touch. I'll be honest, just because work got really crazy. I maybe dipped a little bit of like communication wise on my end, but not enough to, you know, to think anything was up or for that to be like okay. Yeah. Wow. And this was like his high school sweetheart or what? It was his high school sweetheart.

And the whole reason I recognized her from the photo is because, you know, I'd known this guy since high school. So I remembered when they had been dating at this point. It was probably like 10 years before. But yeah, I didn't realize that they had even like kept in touch, let alone maybe something was going on on the side. Not really sure. Had smoldering embers. Yeah.

Did you know the girl in high school? No, we went to different high schools in the same area. So I met her a couple of times, but there was no sort of like friendship there. Like she would have no loyalty to me. Damn. It does the thing about. No, right? Yeah.

It does suck because it is sort of like in an instance like that. I don't know. Again, like maybe just because I'm older now, it does, like, it just wish that you could gift young people with the power of going, okay. Ouch. But, you know, like. But I want nothing to do with this situation. All right. Fuck it.

It's over. Goodbye. See you later. But it's just so impossible. It knocks yourself worth so much. Yeah. Yeah. And you just feel like you're like a link.

is being slowly torn off of you, you know? In a way, it's, I mean, it's excruciating when someone breaks up with you for really vague reasons. And it's like, I don't know, something doesn't feel right, but maybe in the future. Like, at least this is like, I'm engaged. Exactly. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. I'm engaged to someone.

You're like, oh, well, fuck. Okay. It's totally out of your hands. Yeah. Obviously, there was something. Right. Like, we had something nice, but not that nice. Okay.

Well, you know, get what you need there, buddy. But isn't it funny how you couldn't... I was... You were devastated? I was just going to say, like, I tossed myself into therapy and got over it real quick. Oh, great. Yeah, there's... That's a bullet dodge right there.

Yeah. 100%. And are they still together? I mean, obviously, you've... You've Googled? You have to have Googled. Oh, I mean, I don't even need to Google. This is, you know, everything's on Facebook.

They were kind of one of those couples. No, divorced three years later. Of course. Yeah, yeah. But isn't it crazy? He tried reaching out after that. Oh, great. Oh, the vindication.

Wow. This is a guy that does not have a lot of creative thought. No. Yeah. And he can't let go of that connections. No, he's just going to stick to the menu that he's already ordered from. Yeah. Wow.

But isn't it crazy how you can like see all the flaws in someone. You can even be saying to your friends, I don't know. I think I got to end it. And then when they end it with you, suddenly you're like, excuse me and you feel this huge loss, but you definitely dodged a bullet. Yeah. And also, but there is that moment, too, of like, you're a fucking mess. Yeah.

And don't you know? I was giving you a lot of leeway on how fucked up you are. I was the coolest thing about you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, easily. Oh, boy. That's a big one. That's a big one of like, and especially too when you're, like, you have a grown up love

of somebody. Yeah. And you, you know, love is warts and all. Yeah. And they have like their warts. And then they don't like your wards. Yeah. And then after a while it's like, it's like, oh, oh, these warts, I'm sorry, I cannot ignore them anymore.

They are really big. And you seem to be growing more of them. Yeah. And attempting to grow more of them. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Audrey, thank you. And I'm glad you've moved on.

And I'm glad you're in our nation's capital keeping things, uh, under control. Yeah. I'm trying, Andy. All right. All right. We'll talk to you later. Bye.

Okay. 855-266-2-604. May Martin and I are talking breakups. We got Carrie. Carrie from San Francisco and I see musician. This is probably a good one because musicians, man, they are good at fucking up relationships. Seriously. Yeah.

Boy howdy. Yeah. What's boy howdy? That just means fucking A. Oh, really? I've never heard that. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm learning.

Amen. You said a mouthful. Boy, howdy. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm learning the Americanism. That's awesome. So tell us your story, Carrie. All right.

Well, let me set the stage for you folks. This is like 2007, 2008. And first of all, what should have been a red flag immediately was I was like 18 and he was 26. Okay. That should have been correct from the jump. Right. But it's flattering.

It's flattering because you're obviously so mature. Well, you think that and it turns out that they're just immature. Yeah, yes, exactly. Well, yeah. So here's the deal. You know, we met at this music summer day camp. We were both counselors there for the duration of the camp. Yeah.

Dirty dancing. Music thrown in there. We dated. And I put big air quotes around dated because it's not like he wasn't really taking out. It was mostly just talking on the phone or talking on like AIM or and we went to an anime convention together.

But I broke up with him after like six weeks because I basically came to the conclusion that he was kind of a loser. What did the anime? Sorry, go on. No, yeah. So the anime convention had nothing to do with it. Though there are plenty of losers who attend anime conventions. Myself included, let's be real.

No, that's like a stereotype. And a cheap joke, and I should never have even gone there. But this was like the early days of social media. So like first couple years of Facebook, the waning years of MySpace. So it's like we kept in touch. We had mutual friends. It wasn't like a big sour breakup. It was just like I wasn't interested in the relationship.

So fast forward a few months. And he puts out an album called, ours was the saddest anime, which by the way. if you look that up, it's on streaming. Oh, wow. We'll be looking at a... Like on SoundCloud or something? No, like on Spotify.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. It has song titles like This Sad and We'll always have OdeCon. And my favorite, this song never ruined my day. You did. Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. Andy and I are currently looking at it. Yes. They, uh, we pulled. it up. Someone in the control room pulled it up. So we're seeing the cover art. And is that, go back to the song. The cover art is also meant to look like me, by the way. Wow. Wow. Wow. I'm not going to a party tonight either is one of the songs. This is the most passive aggressive. This is incredible. I mean, I've written breakup songs before, but this is another level because you

only dated for six weeks, right? Yeah. And again, like it wasn't like we really dated. Like I never really hooked up with this guy even. Oh, this is red flag. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And again, like, he's eight years older than I am.

Wow. Yeah, this is worrying. And did he tell you about the album or you found it? I mean, like, he posted about it. Oh, wow. So I just remember seeing it. And, like, at the time, I was mortified. Right.

Because, of course, again, I'm 18. I'm like, oh, my God, everyone's going to know this is about me. Of course, no one. But no one ever, like, brought it up to me or anything like that. But, yeah, for a long time, I thought that this was, like, the cringiest, most embarrassing thing that could have possibly ever happened to me. But, you know, a few years later, I realized that it's basically just very funny. And are the songs any good? Like, are what genre is it?

I wouldn't say so. Right. Oh, 2008, like, emo white boy nonsense. Right. Oh, wow. It's not good. I have listened to. Well, you have to, of course.

It's about you. Yeah. Do you think if it had been amazing, and let's say it's just one song and it's really beautiful, that might have swayed you? Like this is doing the opposite. This is going to run for the hills. Yeah, I was still pretty much running for the hills by the time.

Again, this was not a guy who had much in the way of, like, job prospects. I was starting undergrad around that time. like I kind of wanted to date people my own age and not people that significantly older. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And also too, like that, that what was it eight years you say? Yeah, an eight year difference. Yeah. At that age, eight years is might as well be 20. Yeah.

You know, in 10 years from there, eight years is not a big deal. Totally. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, if I was, if I was like 28 and he was 36, that would have been one thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, when you're 18 and 26, those are completely different life status. Right, exactly. I was going to say I wonder if, yeah, you know.

I was going to say, I wonder if he regrets it and is embarrassed now, but the fact that he's left it up on Spotify, this is maybe his finest work. I think the fact that it's on streaming. Yeah, he's proud. Yeah, I'm not really sure. I'm pretty sure he got his life figured out. And I think he's got a couple kids now with a woman closer to his age. But you would have think, like,

the time I was like, I'm not going to date musicians again. That didn't happen. I'm currently engaged to a musician. I'm a musician myself. You kind of fall into these habits. Sure, sure. Yeah. And have you've got a type. Have you written breakup songs before? No, I haven't done that. Because I feel like most good songs are about someone. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, there's, you know, people that make their whole. I mean, Taylor Swift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Years ago, in Chicago, there was a, there was a comedian people, a man and a woman. And I guess they hung out. I didn't even know about this, but the male in the equation had his one, one person show that he did, you know, that he started doing.

About the breakup? But there was no, like, they just kind of had hung out a little bit. Oh, God. And the woman went to the show and was realizing like, oh, my God, this is all about, this is about me. Like, it was just like with, which is like, bone chilling. Yeah. Like it was like, I just, you know, we went out to drinks a couple of times. And again, I don't think they even like, forget hooked up, messed around.

Yeah. You know. And just was like, oh, really, that's a chiller. There's a lot of romantic out there who are just desperate for. a muse heart. And also, like, if you decide, like, I'm going to be a writer, I'm going to be a performer, I'm going to be a musician.

You're like, oh, man, I need something to talk about. Oh, hey, wait. Carrie left me after six weeks. I'm going to write a fucking album. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just, yeah.

Again, for a while, I was like, this is really cringy. And then, like, as I got older, I was like, no, this is actually deeply funny that this guy did this after so long. Yeah. I think your first dance at your wedding to your new person should be to one of these songs. Unfortunately, it would be a challenge to make any of those danceable. Yeah. All right.

Well, Carrie, thank you so much for the call. Yeah, thanks for having me. All righty. Thank you. Have a good one. Oh, hold on. We've had some technical difficulties. we lost everybody on hold.

Maybe they just gave up. Yeah. They decided against talking about breakups. I'm out. Have you written comedy about, about real life situations that then you're, you're wondering if you should have? It's clear from the way I said that that I have. No, I have.

Well, first of all, like, most of my adult work is like improv-based or sketch-based and not really Confessional. Yeah, not really Not really. Yeah, there is, I don't do, like I don't, I'm not a stand-up. Yeah. So there's not a lot of like stuff like that.

You know, there might be incidental things, but never like a big project, like a pilot that I wrote or a screenplay. And I mean, I've only, I wrote one feature screenplay. And it, you know, and they're just, they were just comedies. Yeah. And most of my, most of the stuff that I would have to write. about would be more about like my parents. Oh, right. Yeah. Like family stuff. And I'm just waiting for certain events to occur before I can really, you know, get that stuff out. I know. And my parents have sort of just figured out technology and podcasts and things. So they're, they're listening to stuff.

So I have to be super careful. I went on and I think I've talked about this before. I was on, kind of in the early days of Mark Maren's WTF podcast. And it was in the days where like I was just, I had just found out what a podcast was. And I did his show. And I felt, because it felt so obscure. And again, like, no one's listening to this. And if they are, they're all young people.

It doesn't matter. And he makes you feel comfortable. He certainly does. And also, and I also, I do not mind sharing. I think there's value. to sharing your experiences and sharing kind of your own introspection and figuring out mistakes you've made or things that have happened to you and why you know i i just don't i don't i've been through a ton of therapy it's it's a language i can speak in and i don't i'm not afraid

yeah so i spoke about my parents in different ways and thought like well i're never gonna Oh, God. Some fucker, and my dad's a professor at Indiana University, some fucker emails it to him. That's, it's the parents' friends that'll get you. Hey, here's something. And they had listened to it and they had heard the whole fucking thing. And it's just like, I can't even, I can't think of somebody that I dislike enough to hear their child sort of speak frankly about their problematic relationship or things that have happened. and then say, hey, you've got to get a load of this.

It's the most spiteful fucking thing. You know, you're just dropping a bomb into that family. Yeah. And then he sent it to my mom and my mom listened to it. And she, she. We're similar people pleasers. Like, did your stomach just drop when you heard that? Yeah, a little bit.

But I mean, but it was sort of like, oh, fuck, the damage is done. Oh, well, sorry. You know, what are you going to do? Yeah. And my mom. came to visit and she, it was actually pretty great and pretty classically my mom. She had said, she had very sort of like cryptically while she was visiting said like, I need to go to the store.

Will you take me to the store just to have an excuse to like be in the car alone with me? Oh. And to tell me I heard that and I don't appreciate it. And a lot of the stuff you said about our family was wrong. And the one thing that she took great umbrage to was that I had said. said something about how judgmental we were as a group and how like our family's main sport was sitting around sort of doing not not doing much ourselves and judging other people. Shit talking.

Yeah, shit talking everybody. And everybody that, you know, passes through our attention span. Yeah. Gets a fucking, you know, gets a few darts in them. Yeah. And she's like, I don't think we were that judgmental. And I don't think it's that bad. And I was like, okay.

And she did say, like, I hope that when you talk about our family in the future, you at least do temperate with positive things. And I was like, that's fair. I will certainly take that to heart. Within one minute, she's talking about her sister, the person to whom she is closest on the earth, aside from her children, and going like, oh, my God, their marriage is such a fucking mess. And oh, my God, they're financial, they're in such a financial dire straits. and their whole life is fucked up. And I was like, oh, we don't judge, do we, mom? We don't judge.

And it was like, totally like, and she was like, no, you got me. Because people don't have self-awareness. I mean, I'm sure your kids or my kids, if I have them, it'll be the same. I'll be like, that's not how I remember it. It's already started. I have a 20 and 25-year-old and there's already like some things where I'm like, oh, I thought I was doing pretty good. Yeah.

I mean, I'm honestly, I do feel like, you can take criticism. I'm just more self-aware than my mother was. And I think I also kind of like, I don't, I mean, I've been in therapy. I mean, yeah, I've been in a ton of therapy. That generation has no fluency around that. Yeah, yeah. And everything feels like an attack because it's so fragile what they've built. And I just think I'm better put together.

So it's like I think I just, yeah, parenting was a little easier for me. Right. But I still, you know, I made misconduct. mistakes. Yeah. And mistakes I was not aware of that I have been made aware of and that I initially I'm like, what? No.

I. And then you have to be like, okay. All right. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. I love you.

And I'm going to try to do better. But yeah. Yeah. Because that was their experience of it. Yeah. Even if you didn't. Oh, exactly. Yeah.

Exactly. And there's certain areas where we have difference of opinion. Totally. Where they're like, you fucked it up. And I'm kind of like, I've had time to think about it. And no, I think I think I did. fine. Yeah.

And I think maybe it's your perspective on it. We're just going to have to agree to disagree, you know. Well, even siblings who grow up in the same house have totally different childhoods. Oh, my God. Do they ever? Yeah. So. Oh, yeah.

No, I have siblings that remember things where I'm like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We got callers back. We got Michael from Chicago. And Michael has a wild card. Ooh.

A wild card is just an off-topic call. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah. So, Michael. Hi. Hi, thank God we got you back. May and I are here and we're ready for your wildcard. Yes. Pleasure. Thank you guys so much. I submitted this last week for the medical stories. And yeah, when I was 16, I was hospitalized for a week because my last lung collapse while I was over at a friend's house because I laughed too hard watching a Seinfeld episode. Oh, my God.

You are a weak-long motherfucker, that's for sure. Andy. I'm sorry. I insist on lung strength from my listeners. Were there underlying issues? Yeah, what happens? What the hell? I mean, Seinfeld's funny, but come on.

Yeah, the way the doctor, the attending doctor, described what happened was that when you're going through puberty, your bones and your muscles grow first and then your organs catch up. And that works out most of the time, except your lungs have to connect to the muscle wall for them to work. Okay? So there's a point where they're stretched out more than they should be. And then this is exaggerated in even taller people,

and I am 6'3. And so he said just like, you know, sometimes just random, you know, too big of a breath or a cough or something and your lung collapses. Wow. And what episode, what episode of Seinfeld was it? I, I wish I remembered. I really wish I did.

Man. Because I know, we were watching the Chris Rock Seinfeld before. So that might have like helped, you know, get things ready. But it. Oh, man. And how old were you? 16. 16.

Oh, okay. And then what do they do, put in a fake lung or how do they get you going again? They put a tube into your chest and they essentially vacuum the air out to try to re-inflate it. Oh, boy. Wow. And do you get your lung reattached somehow so that this doesn't happen in the future or you just have to steer clear of funny things? Yeah, it's supposed to just like reattach itself naturally then. Yeah.

They found that I was there a week because it wasn't reattaching. So they had to do surgery. They found in the collapse, I also caused two holes. It like caused two holes in my lungs. Wow. So I also have staples in my lungs now because of it. Oh my God. Wow.

And how did that affect your high school experience? Like you were out of commission for a bit and then, yeah, that's a weird age to be having a serious problem like that. Yeah, it was weird timing. It was the week before spring break. I came back when everyone else came back, so everyone kind of had just forgotten about it. Right. And then, yeah, so it was kind of like,

in that sense, not to be too depressing, but it was a little lonely. But then also, like, I just, I kind of stopped doing sports at that time. Not that I was doing like a ton of sports, but I was doing some golf and I was doing some, basketball and I just I can't keep up anymore. But I went into, you know, I went into speech.

I went into the theater, you know, and I found other things I liked. Oh, cool. That's good. Yeah, but how to be faced with your mortality at that age too is very, and also, yeah, feeling like it could happen if you laugh. Yeah. That's really scary. But there's something hot about saying you have staples in your lungs.

Yeah. Yeah. Very hot. Hey, everybody, guess what? Got staples in my lungs. Yeah. Oh, my God. Get over here. I was Googling the other day if anyone's ever died from laughing.

And there's only a few recorded cases. And there's a guy in the 70s in England. Do you know about this? Uh-uh. I forget his name. But anyway, he was watching a sketch and he laughed so hard that he died. And so I was trying to find out what the sketch is. And I managed to find out.

it and it's so offensive. Oh, really? It's appalling. It's like you could. Like racist? Yes. Like black face. Like it is so shockingly offensive.

But that kind of made me laugh that this guy was killing himself laughing at this. Wow. Did he have a heart attack? Did he the blood vessel burst? Like did they, was there anything further in it? It must have been a heart attack. It's kind of taken on like mythic qualities. But I know that his, um, his widow,

wrote to the sketch troupe saying, thank you so much because, you know, it was, he went out laughing at your sketch. I had a great aunt that was on a girl's trip. She was an elderly woman on a girl's trip to somewhere. And because of weather they got, they had to like, I think it was St. Louis. They stopped and they had got caught in the rain.

And so it was like these old ladies in an airline provided hotel room, like in their slips because they couldn't get their, their luggage back. Yeah. All like wet and drying off. And my, they were laughing and, you know,

I think they'd gotten room service. And my aunt, uh, something happened and my aunt like laughed really big and her head went back. Gone. No. Yeah, yeah.

Oh my. And she just, she just was gone. But I, but I, but it is kind of like, well, that's like,

it's a good way to go. That's a good way to go. No warning. Just you're in the mid laugh and we're with your pals. I'm just wearing a slip. This sounds wrong. but I'm just thinking about like all these soaking wet old ladies in their slips.

Oh, yes. What a surreal. It's a bummer for them. Yeah. You know, for sure, you know. And for the hotel. Let's not, let's be honest. Wow.

You know, the airport, Marriott or whatever. Well, I'm glad you found theater and speech and that you're feeling good, Michael. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Michael. Thanks for the call. Appreciate it. Yeah.

Thank you. Bye-bye. All right. All right. All right. We got time for one more Madison from Alabama. Or is it Alaska? No, that's Alabama, right?

Alabama, yes. All right. Hi, you got May and Andy. What's going on? Or this is a wild card, too, isn't it? It is. Nice. Nice.

Well, what is it? I have a fun story to tell. Okay, good. So I had an injury in high school that left to my mouth, still to the day being halfway, like, semi-num. Your mouth is semi-num? I was a cheerleader. Yes, my, like, a. upper right lip. Like it moves and everything, but you just don't have feeling or sensation in it.

Right. Right. So I was a cheerleader and I fell out of a stunt and bumped heads with body and cracked my tooth. And I go two days later to get lydicane and stuff like that and they put a crown in my mouth. And my mom has never had any kind of oral surgery or anything. So I get in the car after and she goes, okay, it's time to go to school. Oh, my God. And I'm like half numb mouth, half numb mouth. Thank the Lord it was during COVID, so I had a mask on. So I go to school and all day, like I have the nervous habit of chewing like the side of my mouth.

Well, I had lydicane. So I did not know how much I was chewing. And I got home and there was like, it was. like a big chunk out the side of my mouth and it like cut a nerve but all of that because I fell out of a stunt and cracked a tooth and my mom sent me to school. Wow. Oh my lord. I had that I had that once after when I was young and just like oh I can't feel anything and like chewing on my lip and then later it being like oh I should not have done that. I did not sever a nerve or take out a chunk but I certainly did injure my mouth out of just nervous, fidgety energy and like, hey, I can't feel anything.

Right. Yeah. It's the little thing. It sure is. Are you, did your mom, has your mom kind of taken responsibility? Well, so as I said, like, she'd never had, like, oral surgery. So she didn't know. And, like, we just laugh about it to this day.

We're like, well, you couldn't have known, like, and at this point, this was, like, my first, like, big, like, oral surgery either. So she was, like, we both didn't know. We learn, you know, get a numb lip from it, but learn. Oh, my gosh. I still, she should have, like, just let you have the day off. I mean, come on. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a big thing. It's okay, you know. All right. Well, thank you for the call, Madison. Funny story. Yeah. Yeah. And I, and now you have.

It's nice to get to talk to you. Now you have a, you know, you can probably, you know, do stuff with that numb lip. And, you know, like, it's probably now a little superpower. Yeah. You could do, like, David. Lane style tricks where you put a needle in it and stuff. Or open a beer bottle with your lips. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Fun party trick. All right, Madison. Thanks a lot. Bye. Bye. Bye-bye.

Well, May, thank you so much. Thank you. That was a block. Thank you. Yeah. We pick a favorite at the end. So there's no prizes involved or anything. I got to say, well, you go first.

I'm going to say. say it's the anime album. Oh, it's the anime album 100%. Oh my goodness. Yeah. What a flattering, embarrassing, cringy, wonderful thing to have happen.

And six weeks together only. Yeah, yeah. Full album that we can now go and listen to and we will. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh, nothing funnier than a sad boy. Yeah. Oh, no.

I bet every new person she dated after that she played the album. Yeah, yeah. This was so fun though. Oh, thanks. It's a fun hour, and I get great callers, and it's been really a great thing to have to do. And speaking of doing this, next week we'll be back to talk. There's a blank on a page here. I'm just going to say, pets and animals.

Yeah. Pets and animal stories. Leave us a voicemail at 855-266-2604 or fill out the Google form in any of my social bios with your story, and we may put you on the air. May Martin, I love you. Thank you so much. Good to see you. Good luck on tour. Thank you.

Check out, May will be around you probably peeking in your windows and things. Yeah. And I'll be back next week with more of this. Bye-bye.