The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Maria Bamford: Celebrity Blind Items (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: June 13, 2025

Maria Bamford joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your BRUSHES WITH FAME! We hear about a legendary rock frontman, a surprising TV cast feud, working with a beloved comic book artist, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. Share your BRUSH WITH FAME story or an anything-goes WILD-CARD story/question.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hi everybody! Sorry. I was getting a cough drop from my bag. In case I cough. This is the Andy Richter call-in show among the most professional shows on SiriusXM. They're actually using

incredible space technology for you to be able to hear this. There's fucking satellites in the sky that are making this possible. I'm Andy Richter and I am very thrilled here today to be joined by Maria Bamford. Thank you so much for having me on the show, Andy. And I am excited to hear the calls. Yeah, we're talking to people,

which I normally know, no, no, I have nothing to do with. Well, I always, if I'm we're talking to people, which I normally, no, no, no, I have nothing to do with. Well, if I'm going to be talking to someone, I want it to be filmed. I want it to be edited. Monetized. Monetized. We're going to be advertising involved, subscribers.

Hello, Fresh. Yeah, why? Better help. We're talking to people. Although, I don't think we do them anymore. Oh, that's for the best. I was with them for a while, and my therapist said, Christy, of course you're stressed. You just had a baby. When she texted me back, she had mixed me up with another client.

I said, hey girl, hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, if I had a baby, I have bigger problems. There are big blank gaps. Well, for those of you that don't know, and I mean, get on the stick, people, Maria's a brilliant actress, comedian, and author. You know her from her hilarious Lady Dynamite. She's in Big Mouth, Arrested Development, and much more.

You can find her tour dates at mariabamford.com. And her memoir, Sure, I'll Join Your Cult, is now available in paperback. Nice. Yes, all those things are true. And one thing is, no, no, no. Did you join a cult ever? No, when I say, of course, I mean cult loosely.

Right, right, right. The idea being your family's kind of your first belief system that you grow up in. Right, right. ever? No, when I say, of course, I mean, call loosely. The idea being your family's kind of your first belief system that you grow up in, and then you never question any of your practices as a family, and then you see somebody else's family and you're like, what? Like what's going on over here? Wait, you guys questioned your leader? How does that work? But, and yeah, so I was also, I played a violin when I was three through the Suzuki Method,

which is kind of this, it is kind of a cult movement where it's a specific philosophy of how to teach children music. Right. Where you get the kids playing so young that they're not conscious that they don't like it. And then by the time they go, hey, this isn't any fun. You've already poured so much money into it that they're in, they're in for life. Is that, cause I mean, I haven't heard of the Suzuki method in a long time, but when I was younger,

when I was a kid, it was talked about all over the place. Yeah, maybe it was just a thing from the 70s, but yeah. Because I don't ever hear to anybody. Talking about it now. Yeah, yeah, and you also don't see like, you know, newborns playing, you know, playing Brahms anymore. Everybody likes a tiny person doing something amazing. Oh, don't, yeah?

Yeah. Oh my gosh, it's like Elf on a Shelf come to life. Watching and judging. And I think like show business can be a bit of a cult in that people sacrifice everything for it. Like no matter what, like this comes before, like yeah. So. Yeah, unquestioning, following a goal

that's like sort of nebulous and also like, wait, are you sure that's what you want? Like, is that really gonna fix everything? Yeah, do I even like these people? Yeah. Whoops, whoops. Whoops, do I even like anybody? Yeah.

Well, Maria, today's topic is brushes with fame. You're sort of doing it with a blind item. Like, I had the idea, like, let's do celebrity stories, because everybody loves to hear the dirt dished. Well, and it's like a bird watching sighting, where you see a fantastic bird out in the wild, and you get to meet. It's just, it's amazing.

Right. Because not everybody I got to meet a John Travolta and he kissed me because we're in a scene together it got cut from the film but what I got to see is him do impersonations of Barbara Streisand all day long that were just meticulous, like great impersonations of her for about a 10-hour shoot. Did you get the impression that he does them all the time? Or that he just was going through a phase? Maybe going through a phase. I think he's very, he was very good at it.

So I assume he's, I'm sure he's, I mean, he's an excellent actor. So, but it was very entertaining and I was grateful. Wow. But I did not speak to him at all personally. Yeah. Yeah. Did he know his lines? Cause that's, he's famous.

He's actually one of those people that's famous for having cute cards, having an earwig, you know, never knowing his lines. He knew them. He knew them. Oh, he did. Yeah, and he also knew everybody's names on set. I remember that specifically. We shot in a Denny's in Pacoima

over a number of days. Classy. Yeah, it's a movie that's since been shelved. Somewhere, I'm not sure. Oh, it could have opened in Pacoima. Pacoima. People would have seen it. I'm trying to think, I don't know if I had that many,

I feel bad that I don't know if I've met that many famous people beyond yourself. Whoa, yes. Do you have some people? Like, because you must meet, you've met a billion. Absolutely. The actual meeting of famous people has become so mundane or, I mean, not recently. I'm not rubbing elbows with the hoi polloi these days.

Is the hoi polloi, is that correct? I don't know. Maybe hoi polloi means regular people. Regular people, that is the regular people. I'm not rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. I mean, the famous, I'm rubbing elbows with you, but you don't seem rich. I'm just guessing.

Well, statistically, if you're going to look at it through some sort of stuff, I am rich. Yes, I know. But I mean, just living here in this country, you're already sort of like, you got a leg up on the world's, you know, in terms of per capita income. Yeah, we're doing fine. And also my parents passed a little earlier than they had planned. So that's generational white wealth, which of course, is unjust, but they did die.

So justice served. All right. Passing it on. They died before they could spend it all. That's right. Oh, that's nice. What a legacy. Now it's up to you.

It's up to you to spend it all before you pass. I've got to spend it. Well, and my husband, that's part of the reason we really connect with each other is that he picked me up on our second date in a 92 Saturn where I could see the road passing beneath us as the car moved and I said, is this paid off? And he said, sure is. And I said, well, hello sailor. I like a man who lives within his means. That's right. That's right. Well, that's, I mean, that is good. Yeah.

And also, if you're pulled over, it's a good way to stash, you know. Yeah, just toss it in the bottom. Dump the stuff that the cops are going to find, you know. Yeah. He continues to be great. We like to, yeah, he's lived on beans. He's a painter, so he's lived on beans and rice for years, and so was surprised whenever we went out for dinner. And I'm like, that's what I need. I don't need anybody who's, yeah, living high off a hog. Low pressure. Low pressure. Yeah, I'm a cheap date myself. I like gas station food.

I'm a comedian on the road. Anything cooked on a roller. Oh my God, there's a reason they're there all day. They're good. Exactly. They're good. They're there. Well, my husband taught me this.

If you put, you can sneak two hot dogs into a bun if nobody's watching. Yeah, but that's, we don't need to do that anymore. No, yeah, and also you gotta sleep at night. Yeah, you gotta, yes. You gotta sleep at night. Yeah, no, I've, yeah, I wanna be kind to the 7-Eleven Corporation.

That's right. Yeah, and you know, and yes, I have met a million famous people to the point where there are famous people that I can't remember if I met them or if it's just, you know, like I should have met them because it was, you know, I mean, for so many years, it was a couple of three famous people a day, you know,

four or five days a week. And I mean, there's not a lot of quality interaction, but it is seeing them. And then they probably remember you more than you remember them. And then you start to have, have you ever said, oh, I have face blindness? A friend of mine says that.

They say, oh, I have a disability. I know, I don't say that, but I do say like, I'll make a joke of it and say, I'm very shallow. You know, I only think of myself, or I'm just like, I don't, I can't, I mean, I'll be honest sometimes. And most of the time people are fine if you're honest. Like I don't, I can't remember if I met you or not.

Right. In real life. Yes. I mean, because it is like, if you see people on television and in movies and then you're on a talk show, you just kind of like, well, odds are they're gonna turn up in the froth one of these days. Yeah, and it feels familiar. I mean, now I feel like there's only so many human faces

I've seen over the course of my life and that I will see. And so I, everybody kind of looks the same after a while. And I'm terrible with names too. Names, I'm not face blind, but I'm definitely name blind. That's like when you said John Travolta knows everyone's name on set. I've worked with people like that and I'm so envious of that ability, but I just, you know. Yes, it's beautiful to watch.

I say, hi, I'm Andy and they say, hello, I'm Bob. And then I'm, beautiful to watch. I say, hi, I'm Andy. And they say, hello, I'm Bob. And then I'm, and they might as well say, hello, I'm... You know, it's because it just, I never retain it. Yes, yes. So, but yeah, but also too on the Conan show, meeting famous people after a while, it wasn't, it was better in the early, like in the early days, when, you know,

there'd be things like getting ready for the show to start, and I would enter from a different place than Conan, Conan would enter from backstage, and I would just kind of sneak in through a side door, and then, you know, end up on my spot where I stood during the opening. And it was very early on, and I was standing in what they call the airlock,

which is just like a little area, but there's like the doors to the studio and then doors to the doors to the studio. So there's this little sort of dead space. And in that dead space were the doors to Conan's dressing room, my dressing room, and the hair and makeup. And Rip Taylor walks through the doors.

And I had never met him, but he knew me from the show. And so I'm sitting there, you know, and going out to work in a minute or two, bands playing. And it's like, oh, hello, Rip Taylor. And we're standing there chatting. And then out of hair and makeup, she was a guest that day, Shelly Winters. Because in the early days, we were the new guys.

So we got all kind of the, you know, the old folks. Yeah, good folks. Oh, that's awesome. And, um, so Shelly Winters comes out and she sees him and she goes, Rippy, Rippy, good fall. She had no, that's awesome. And so Shelly Winters comes out and she sees him and she goes, Rippy, Rippy, Rippy. And goes and hugs him like she's crying. She goes like, I need some jokes. Tell me some jokes.

And he runs a couple of jokes and he's go, and you'll be fine. And they're chatting and I don't, you know, and then I'm not paying attention. And she is holding one of our hairbrushes, one of the show's hairbrushes. And as she's talking to him, she puts the hairbrush up her blouse,

pulls her bra back, and scratches under her bra straps... Classy. ...with the hairbrush that does not belong to her. Like, such a grandma move, like, you know... Oh! And I just... And I... If a grandma move. Like, you know, like, and I just, and I was, if I'd been smart, I would have, like, grabbed that brush and kept it and, you know,

sealed it in loose site or something. But those were, that was always like, that was the most fun, you know, kind of, is seeing people in those days. Because after a while, it's like, you know. Yeah, well, everybody, yeah, it seems like, I mean, they definitely do the producing before, where they go, these are the three beats

you're gonna talk about before you go out, and... Yeah, it is very rehearsed. Yeah, very... Well, and that's people who are good at talk shows. They make it seem like it's not. Like, they're just having a lovely time at a... Yeah, but I'm awkward. I'm not the best on TV talk shows. I'd be like, I am so aware that I'm here with- Yes, but you've made awkwardness sort of your brand.

Well- It's like Mel Tillis's stutter with you. You know? No, yeah, I do, I'm tremoring right now. And, you know, that is my gift. Yeah, yeah. And- No no and I don't mean to I don't mean to belittle your suffering no no I just mean that you you are you are a wonderful artist at bringing yourself to your work yes in a

unvarnished kind of way yeah no my current affirmation is how is it my fault they hired me. Yeah, idiots. It's what you get. All right, let's go to the phones. Yes. First up, oh, international, we have Lenny from Canada. Oh, Canada, we're in Canada. Hi Lenny, where are you calling from?

Toronto. Toronto. I love Toronto. Toronto is lovely. I love Canada. I went on a book club vacation there and you can read a book and then hang out at the University of Toronto with a bunch of people, turns out all in their 70s and 80s. And...

And you all talk about the book? All talk about the book. Wow. And then swing. And... Yeah, it would have been fun had there been like, but no, it was just my 85 year old roommate saying, you're so loud. Um, she was...

And she wasn't wrong. I am loud. Oh, Lenny. All right. What do you got for us? And as I didn't really go over it though, but you know, like, I don't want to get sued. I don't, and I'm, it's just sort of a, you know, so if it's, if this is bad stuff, speak in code, the blind item, as it were.

It's, it's very bad. It's very bad. Alright. I'll keep it generic. No, I've rehearsed it generically. Okay good. Bread farf. Father Grito Sarducci. The Grinch. All right. All right. Okay. So I was visiting New York City. There was an event being held by a nonprofit organization for a very good cause.

Yes. And there was a particular actor there, quite well known, quite well known, had achieved notoriety in television and film. And I love this particular actor, both as an actor and as a person, because they're just always doing good work for the world. Oh. So- Uh-oh.

You mean outside of acting? Outside of acting, they really use their notoriety to do good in the world for people, for the environment. For the environment. So Brett Favre, you were right on. And I, so I had a photo, I had a photo, a studio photo, like an original from a scene in this iconic old TV show. I'll just say 1970s, but you know you want me to keep it anonymous.

I understand. Very iconic. I mean, big time. So you were about to burden them. You're about to burden them with a task. Okay, sorry. Yes. with a casque. Okay, sorry. Yes. And that photo was from a scene in which this actor

and another even more famous actor were portrayed. And the second more famous actor is since deceased. So I approached, so I attended the event, I introduced myself, got to meet this actor. I held out the photo and a Sharpie and I said, if you wouldn't mind signing this, that would mean a lot. So he took the photo, looked at it, and then he looked at me and he said, yeah, referencing the other more famous actor in the photo, he said, yeah, I hate

that guy. Oh, and I was in shock. I was in shock for a moment and I collected myself. I said, well, what, what happened? And then this, this actor said to me, that guy got me fired from the show. And was he a series regular or just a? So, yeah, so I'm trying to keep it generic. Too many clues.

Some people might figure it out. So this actor was in, he became this, what appears to be like a recurring character, like an indelible permanent recurring character on this TV show. So not every episode, but kind of like Newman on Seinfeld you kind of knew after a couple of episodes, okay, this guy, he's going to be around for years. He was that kind of character. You just knew it, but he actually was only on three episodes.

And I'd never questioned that. I was sad about it. Yeah. And I wondered why they actually, they killed him off. In a fourth episode, they killed him off in a fourth episode. They just reference this actor and they, they killed him off in the script. Anyway, so he says to me, I guess they've revealed the gender. So that's about a specific, but he says to, I said, what happened? He said, well, in, in this third and final episode that I appeared with this other super iconic television actor.

I according to this more famous guy who's now deceased, I got a bigger laugh than any laugh he got on that third episode. That's according to this real big shot. And according to this actor I was talking to, he said, so the real big shot actor went to the producers and said, I can't have anyone in this series who's going to outshine me and ever get a bigger laugh than me, so I want you to kill them off in the script. Wow. I wonder if that happens in real life, where people just say,

let's kill off that comedian, just in real, like just as snipers. I have heard, I have definitely heard stories of, there was a show that a friend of mine worked on a show that was a period piece, like in Western times. And there was a kid on the show, and the kid's real life mother was such a pain in the ass to the show runner

that he came into the room once after having dealt with her and said, we gotta kill that fucking kid. And the next episode, he was like, he got like, got like some kind of milk sickness or something and died some kind of cowboy death. But yeah, I mean, that definitely, yeah. And I certainly have had friends

who have had supporting roles in multi-camera sitcoms, had a funny joke, a line that they delivered, and during the next run through, that line has been passed over to the star of the show. That's so interesting. It's very sad. It's very sad, yeah. Wow, it really happens.

The funny thing about this other, this is an allegation, but it was believable to me. The funny thing about this other now deceased iconic Hall of Fame actor is that, you know, this person is considered very liberal, very progressive, like spoke out politically, was not someone you would ever think would have an alleged ego to the extent of getting another actor fired. So I think it's like a fascinating story. I didn't, I'm not judging anyone. I love them both for what they did. And he ended up signing it just to be nice to me.

Yeah. He signed it. Good. He kind of didn't want to be nice to me. Yeah. He signed it. Good. He kind of didn't want to, but. Oh. Well, now we get to guess who it is.

It's obviously Mr. Rogers and Mr. Speedy Delivery, the Speedy Delivery guy. Wouldn't that be? I wonder, I have a question. Andy, since, you know, honestly, although I idolize you and Conan very much, I have a question, Andy, since, you know, honestly, although I idolize you and Conan very much, I have to say there have been a couple of times where I thought you got the biggest laugh on an episode of Late Nighted. Do you think Conan ever, like, considered taking out a hit on you? No, no, he did not. He has good enough taste and good enough sense to know that all boats rise with the tide of laughter.

So, and I- I'm just kidding. No, no, but I mean, but it is, it's a legit thing. And it's something I've said a lot about him generally is that there's not a lot of other people in his position who allowed someone of a similar skillset to sit right next to them for years and years and years and years.

You know, they were sort of, if you, if there was someone of even a somewhat similar skillset, they, with any regularity, they had to be across a studio or something, you know. So, you know, he's a very generous guy and, and I know a very secure guy for a guy who's deeply insecure. Strangely enough. I know, I know he's an I'm trying to be I'm trying to be without much success. I know you're both nice guys. That's part of your appeal. If you're just, you're like nice, nice people along with me. But anyway, thanks for letting me, uh, for sharing that. I really appreciate that. And I appreciate you both. You're both hilarious, nice people.

Thank you. Before you go, Lenny, I wonder though, if you can tell like Sean, can he tell us who the dead person was? Since. Since the dead person can't? Really? Unless you don't want to. So I can... Okay, well... No, I didn't... Wait, I didn't get... Yes or no?

Yes. Oh, he says yes. Yes. Tell us who the dead person was. Carol O'Connor. Archie Bunker. Oh, you know what? That was one of the names that went through my head.

Whoa, okay. Really? Yeah, yeah. How could you come to that? How could you come to that? I'm fascinated. How could you come to that name just out of like, did you know that? Do you know who I'm talking about? Could you say, oh, that guy, he was only in three episodes of that show. Yes. I think I know who you're talking about. Who's the guy from the show? I think I know who you're talking about. Who's the guy from the show? Who? Well, I don't want to, I'm not sure.

And I don't, and because this person's alive. All I know is Meatball. Who's Meatball? Or Meathead? Meathead, yeah, yeah. But he was a series regular, yeah. Okay, okay. No, you know, you were just talking about big,

iconic people and that crossed my mind. And I also knew that there were, that show had a lot of recurring characters that, you know, came in, you know, and spinoffs too. Right, yes. So yeah, there were a lot of people. They had a lot, but you know, but some of them like, like the Jackersons,

like they weren't there for three episodes. Like once a recurring character was introduced on All in the Family, you knew they were going to be around for years. And this one was like, okay, that's it. Yeah, yeah. He's going to be around for seven years and then he's dead. And like, there was never any explanation. Yeah.

Anyway. Wow. I love that guy on the show. I thought he fit the chemistry was amazing as actors between those two who had that weird Rift. Yeah chemistry was amazing. So it was just a shame. It was interesting. It's true. It was a shame Well, thank you Lenny and thank you for divulging The estate of Carol O'Connor. Don't don't go after Lenny go after me. I can take it You can have all 12 money. I don't have the money. Yeah, I don't either. All right, thank you Lenny.

I got Canadian money. I got Canadian money. That's enough from the color. Yeah, all the loonies they can carry. All right. Thanks guys. Thanks for having me. Thanks very much Lenny. I appreciate it. Sure. I don't think I mentioned the phone number yet. 855-266-2604 if you have any sort of anything you want to share with us. It doesn't have to be celebrity related. It could, you know, it could be a cry for help. Those are always hilarious. Um, Chicago, we got Barry. Hello, Barry. Hey, Andy. Maria Bamford and Andy Richter here waiting to hear you.

Nice to hear you. You guys are just great. Thank you. I'm going to share the Shelley Winters and Rip Taylor story instantly with my wife and kids. kids. Okay, well mine is easier to tell and it's nothing horrendous so I can share names. Yes, of course. It's very safe. This took place in Chicago at a comic convention in the early 90s. And I was working with Marvel at the time as an artist. And as a result of that, I got invited to an after party with a guest, Stan Lee. And a bunch of us artists, if you were an artist working in Marvel, you're invited. I was very generous of them. So we went across the street to someplace I want to think, I want to say some, some big pizzeria that was like real close to downtown. So there's like maybe 30 or 40 people around a big table.

And, you know, we're all kind of, again, it geeked out no matter what position we're in in the industry to see Stan at that time. And, and, and, and Clyde Barker was also there. Oh. Which was, which was weird. I mean, he was just launching things like Hellraiser. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Pinhead and things like Hellraiser. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Pinhead and all those xenomorphs. Yeah, yeah. It just, oh God, what had he done? Nightbreed. Yeah. Nightbreed was the big 90s thing. Right.

So at one point Stan stands up and says, hey, you know, I don't really know a lot of you here. So why don't we just go around the table and each of you can stand up and give me your you know tell me who you are what you do for the company and we all look at each other like okay this is this is a nerd nightmare we're all you know and not the best socially but we're all we're at desks all day. Hey introverts get up and have everybody look at you. Perform. Yeah.

So people begin nervously getting up and telling standard deal. And it's coming around the table toward me and my girlfriend, Holly. And I didn't really know Holly very well, but she was there in like a drop-dead black dress and looked like Cameron Diaz. And I lean over to Holly jokingly says, hey, you should tell Stan that you're with an escort service. Oh. And she, not knowing Holly very well at the time, I did not know that she was really up for things like this.

She was like, she was Loki. She was nicknamed Loki as a matter of fact, and I didn't know any of this. So Holly says, okay. And I immediately go, no, wait, I'm kidding. Please don't do this, no, this is a very bad idea. It's too late. Here she comes and she stands up and looking fantastic.

And as blase as she could, she looks at Stan says, I was paid to be here. And there was this moment, this lurching moment of silence. And Stan looks across the table at her And Stan looks across the table at her and at me and back to her. And then Stan's wig kind of goes up an inch. And I've got my head in my hands like, oh my God. And then Stan laughed, which made everything okay. And then everyone else felt safe to laugh. Yeah, yeah. And that was my window into Stan Lee's world.

And is now she your wife? She is now my wife. Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. Oh wow. She is now my wife, yes. Wow. That pretty much cemented the deal. I'm like, I can't possibly

let this woman out of my orbit. Yes, well, Mazel Tov. All right. Well, thank you, Barry. Thanks for the call. Oh, that's an interesting... Okay, thanks, you guys. All right. Next up, we got Tony from Columbus, Columbus, Ohio, I'm assuming. Tony? Yeah, Columbus, Ohio.

Nice. You got me and Maria. Oh my gosh. I am. I admire both of you so much. Thank you. My story in 1995, I owned a bookstore and I was in New York at the American Booksellers Association Conference, which meets every used to meet every year showcase the new books

that were coming out from publishers. And sometimes they had early versions of the books for booksellers to look through or take home to read. And I was with a friend, a fellow bookseller, and we were both in the booth for one of my favorite art publishers. And I saw a book that caught my eye. It was for the most recent work of Willem de Kooning. I knew de Kooning had been diagnosed with dementia, but he continued to work in his studio every day. So I wanted to see the new paintings. I opened the book and all the pages were blank.

I turned to my friend and I said, it looks like de Kooning forgot to send in the painting. She laughed, but on the other side of me, I heard another laugh and I looked up and it was David Byrne who had a new book out that year also and was attending. And I smiled at him and he shyly looked away pretending he hadn't been eavesdropping on our cruel joke. And then wandered away as if looking for something else. Now I work in publishing now, and I know that's called a blank and its purpose is to let booksellers know how much space

the book will take up. Yeah and so now I'm in my 60s and I don't find that joke all that funny but it made David Byrne laugh so I will never forget it. Oh. Probably. It's not that bad. No, no. Yeah. I mean, it's just situational. I'm sure De Kooning would have, I'm sure he would have laughed at it. Yeah.

He had a good run in it. Well, and the paintings were great. I eventually did get the book and it was amazing to see how his work changed when that happened. Yeah. That's what I was really interested in. Yeah. Yeah, I got to, David Byrne, I got to, one of the coolest things I ever got to do was there was a 40th anniversary screening of Stop Making Sense here in Los Angeles and Fred Armisen was supposed to MC the Q and A after the screening

with all four members of Talking Heads, and he was stranded working overseas, so I filled in, and it was really, really great and really amazing and really, you know, it was a pinch myself kind of moment. And David Byrne is like, I don't know. I just never would have thought that he's as sort of funny and liked as he is because he does, his public persona is pretty, can be pretty serious.

You know, I mean, he's done sort of some silly stuff and there was that movie. True story. True story. True story. It was funny. Yeah. But I asked him backstage about when you watch the movie now, because one of the things that had happened with the movie is that the ownership reverted back to the band.

They was in their best interest to really kind of get it out there and just have people see it. And they had done a number of these kind of evenings of screenings. And I said, how do you feel? I said, when's the last time you saw the movie? He said, I saw it once in preparation for this run of things. And I said, what was it like to see yourself 40 years later? And he said, I just said,

I want him to tell that guy, Dave, calm down. It's gonna be okay. Dave, just relax. Which was pretty sweet. So yeah, no, David- The level of energy. Yeah, yeah. David Byrne, yeah, you know,

I understand making, how you would take away making him laugh. Well, yeah, and you know, I don't feel bad outing David about this because really, I'm the terrible person. Yes. No. Yeah, no. Listen, for all the shit I've talked about people, this is nothing.

Trust me. Trust me. Well, good is nothing. Trust me. Trust me. Well, good, good. All right. I don't want David to sound like a mean person because I love him so much. He's not at all. Of course, of course. All right, well, Tony, thank you so much.

Thanks. Thank you. All right. Oh, CM. CM coming in from Los Angeles. Hello. Hi there. You got Maria Bamford and Andy Richter here waiting to hear your story. All right. Well, this story goes back.

First of all, because I'm not allowed to use this person's name, I'm just going to substitute their name and call them Stephen Blyer. Okay. Okay. Or Chief Justice, how about Chief Justice Stephen Blyer? Chief Justice, that's too hard for me to say. Or not Chief Justice, Supreme Court Justice. Okay. Anyways, okay, we got it.

Yeah. Steve, or we'll just call him Steve. Steve! Steve, even better. Okay. Many years ago was my first year going to school. I was up in Boston going to school and I'm kind of a punk, just kind of a jerk. I was 18 years old and I was on my way to class and sometimes like this day I would stop by with my

roommate who worked at this very popular cafe on this very popular touristy street and I would get a free coffee out of it and then I just walked to school. We turned, I was walking with him and we turned onto the street and there was Steve surrounded by tourists. He was with a couple family members and a bodyguard and they were just, they were in awe of this guy and he's the lead singer of this very popular Boston band right very world-renowned And I do not like their music at all And being kind of a jerk at 18 years old I said over the over I didn't think he would even hear me. I said oh my god. It's Steven. Oh my god

hear me I said oh my god it's Stephen oh my god will you sign my chest and he immediately I didn't think he would even hear me he turned and looked right at me and he just immediately cut through all these tourists went right up to me and just grabbed me by the jacket and he said all right come on but he's also known very much for his mouth his very big mouth. Yes, yes. Big mouth. Yeah, you know, yeah, I mean, you know, come on, you already kind of gave it away and we're just, no, yeah, yeah, so okay. Anyway, well, some people don't know who this is. Okay.

He was in my face and he just said, let me see it. Let me see your chest, come on, let's see it. And I was so embarrassed that I just said, oh, I don't have a pen. And so I just kind of ran off and caught up with my roommate. I got my free coffee and about 15 minutes later, I'm mixing sugar or cream or whatever into my coffee

in this very, very busy cafe filled with people. And all of a sudden a hand just shoved me really hard against the shoulder into the wall. I turn and look and there he is. And all the people in this entire place had stopped talking. They're all looking at me and I feel so small and so just embarrassed and there he is. There's that mouth in my face going come on let's see it let's see it and he's poking at my chest trying to

undress. I had this jacket on that my but a friend of mine had left at my house that I really liked and so I was really proud that day of just wearing this nice red jacket. And he's trying to pull at the buttons of the jacket saying, come on, let's see it, let's see it. And I was so embarrassed. And again, I just said, I'm sorry, I don't have a, I don't have a pen. And his daughter that was there said, Oh, I have one. And she pulls out a Sharpie.

I was so embarrassed to even just pull my shirt up or whatever. I just said, you can just sign the jacket. So he just writes his name right from shoulder to shoulder, right across the chest. He just scribbles his name. And I just got my coffee, put the lid on and I took off to school just with my tail between my legs. A couple of weeks later, my friend came up and said, hey, I left my jacket at your place.

And I said, oh yeah, and I gave him the jacket and he said, what did you do to my jacket? And I said, I didn't do it, Steven did that. Steven did, yeah, Steve did it. Are we talking about Steven Tyler? Shh. Okay, I just needed to know. It's a possibility.

I can't stand not knowing. I really can't stand it. I'll write it down or I'll text it to you while we're sitting here. Okay, but anyway, so what does your friend say? He, luckily my roommate that worked at the coffee place who watched the entire thing was there to confirm it. Right, the provenance.

And he also didn't like this group, so he was kind of mad that Stephen did this to his jacket. Ah. It was a nice jacket. Did he continue to wear that jacket? Uh, I don't think he did, no. Are you still friends with this person? I am, yeah.

Oh my gosh! He could have put it aside and, you know, and then brought it out later. That was a long time ago. Did you feel like he was signing it out of anger, that he was irritated that you yelled out at him, or that he was actually thinking that you were a fan? No, I think he kind of thought like,

I'll show this punk kid, you're gonna ask me a question like that? I'm gonna give this to you. You want this? I'm gonna give it to you. He's trying to sign my actual body. Yeah, cause he, he, he understood your mocking tone. Oh, okay.

I see what you're saying. Which I'm always amazed in the music world when people get mad, especially like the rock and roll world where someone goes, your band sucks and they get really mad. It's like, isn't that just, isn't that like saying hello in the rock and roll world? That band sucks, this band rules.

No, especially punk. Isn't there somebody who, yeah, they throw bottles on stage. Oh, there's lots of those guys. That's a little bit. There's a very famous paparazzi thing of Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray. I've met him. He's delightful.

This was a while ago too. And there's like, I mean, and it's like a 14-year-old kid across the street, and as there's this scrum of paparazzi that's on video and this kid goes like, more like sugar gay. And Mark McGrath makes a fucking beeline for this little kid and you know, kind of says, you wanna go? You wanna go right now? Kind of still thinks he's gonna beat up a teenager

for saying more like sugar gay, which is like, no, you're just making it worse, Mark. You should just have... I met him once and he said, if you smell funnel cakes, that's where our band's at. So I was like, oh, he gets, or he has a sense of humility, but maybe he was... I think everybody can have a bad day.

Yes, that's true. And I think it was probably early on before he gained wisdom and a sense of self humor, you know? Yeah. That happens. But yeah. But Steven, for him to get that wound up,

that he then follows you afterwards is this guy, Steve. Take it easy, Steve. I'm just glad he was with his family. So I wonder what he would have, maybe he would have done something different if they weren't there. Right. Mm.

Yes. That is strage. Yeah, yeah, very strange. Well, thank you so much. Yes, I was calling. Have a good day, guys. Alrighty. I got all sorts of feelings in my body listening to that.

Yes. You know, there is a famous singer too, and I think this is well documented. Sounds very much like this guy he was talking about, who in the early days of his band had a girlfriend who was like 15. Oh, god, yeah. Wanted to take her on tour, got the parents to sign over.

Like basically he adopted her. The prince, prince did that. He did that too? Prince did that too, yeah, he adopted his wife. Wow. Yeah. Wowie. I mean.

Men really are pieces of work, aren't they? They're fun. They're a lot. They don't understand, they don't understand what they're doing. They just love youth. They love youth in all its forms. I do have one celebrity story in that Puff Daddy.

He used to watch shows at the Improv. Puff Diddy, Puff Daddy. Yeah, he kept wanting to see me showcase when I was a young, hot thing. And I was like, what does he want to see me? What does Carow want to stand up? And then, yeah, and then that was, oh, that's the story. Right, right, right. Oh, wow. Well, good thing you stayed clear of his grasp.

Because, oh, he's in a heap load of trouble right now. He certainly is. Yeah. Certainly is. He certainly is. Yeah. Certainly is. Oh boy. Keith from California. Hello Andy. I understand you have a special sort of call for us? I do, it's very special.

It's a, what's the- Say it. It's the one when you get the horn. Oh come on, you know what it is. Just say it. Maria, read those words after. Wild card! Wild card!

Wild card. Nice! It's a wild card call, which means all topics are out the window. Okay! It can be about anything. Love it. Keith, hit us with your wild card. By the way, Maria, every time you say wild card, that happens.

So just so you know. It feels really affirmative. It's really good. Okay. Yes. Keith, go. So I think this one should have been with the Fula Borg episode, the weird injuries. Oh, okay. Good. Weird injuries.

Love it. This was a really weird injury, but I think the person lived. So this happened down at University of Illinois. Uh-huh. Right near there. I was, I have a nephew that went to U of I from 2017 to 2021. In Champaign-Urbana. In Champaign Urbana. In Champaign Urbana. He doesn't have a real relationship with his father. So on Father's or Dad's weekend, which is early November, my brother-in-law and I would go down for Uncle's weekend. We coined it Uncle's weekend.

So we would go to the football game and take him out to Murphy's and, you know, the whole thing. And it was super fun, um, bonding time with, uh, our nephew and, you know, his name is Jeff. He suggested, Hey, we should go do some mountain biking before uncle's weekend down at U of I. And there's a trail system about 30 miles east of the school called Kickapoo, a little mountain bike trail area. It's a series of ravines that go in down and up out of a little river valley. Yeah, you're giving us way more detail than's necessary. I don't mean to be rude,

but... So, I met him at the trailhead and he comes and tells me I had a procedure done about a week ago. And I'm like, okay. And he had a vasectomies done. Oh boy. And his doctor said, don't do anything strenuous. Yeah, of course not. For the next seven days after the vasectomy.

Yeah. So he got it done the Friday before and I'm counting on my fingers. I was like, this is day eight. And he just tells me, you're going to have to take it easy on me on the bike. So you know, we take it easy, right? But about five miles into the bike ride, he's, we're going down into the ravines climbing out. I climb out, he's nowhere to be found. It's like 10, 15 minutes. I'm waiting at the top and he comes walking really slow out of the ravine, holding his crotch and a broken chain on his bike.

And so what happened was he was climbing out of there and his chain snapped and then he sat on his testicles. Oh boy. Oh boy. Oh boy. And probably opened some incisions. Incisions, exactly. No, luckily nothing happened. Oh boy.

He just sat around at uncle's weekend with a bag of ice on his cross. Yeah, yeah. See, I think you should have advised him as co-uncles. Yeah. Like maybe set this out. Like let's, you know, yeah, let's, how about we, you know, play mini golf or something that isn't involved, you know,

with impact to the cock and balls. Yeah, or yeah, cause it's so easily that you can get a massive infection and then end up in the hospital. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then they end up in the hospital. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then you're- We suggested to go to the hospital, but he refused. He just took some IV prophyran and- Wow, awesome.

He's a real stoic. Oh, God. A real stoic. Oh! No way. I got snipped and I'm never looking back. Oh, dear. All right, well, yeah, that's rough.

That's rough. And did he do a visual inspection while you were there in front of him? That's fun. No, but I know he vomited on the way home from the trail. So back to the university, he pulled over and I kind of saw him with his head out the door

and vomiting. Ooh, he was puking because he heard his nuts. Oh my. Oh boy. That's classic Central Illinois behavior there. That kind of thing happens all the time so that's why nobody cared. Oh wow. All right Keith well thank you so much for the wild card. Talking about medical procedures, I am fully certified by my father who is a

dermatologist to remove pedunculated lesions. What is pedunculated? It's a skin tag. It's what skin tags are. All you have to do, take a piece of dental floss, tie it around the root of it, let the blood be cut off as well as can't come in or come out the blood. And so then the whole thing bursts after about a week of being tied off and just falls off.

Yeah, yeah. And- You can also just yank those off and then dab me as porn on the hole. I'm just saying. Wait a minute. You know, I'm just saying that is a possibility. Yeah, but Dr. Padunkadunk is more fun.

Now, do you have this certification? Like is it on a laminated card in your wallet? I mean, my father's grave grave I think is enough. I wondered what that holster of dental floss on your belt was for. I'm here for anyone who needs a quick procedure. Hey buddy, you like that thing on your neck? I can get rid of that for you. I don't. Just hold still. Miss, please. I'm just your Uber driver. I said hold still. Oh, we got another call. Jeff from Cleveland. Hello. Hey guys, how are you? Good. You got any skin tags you want to get rid of?

In all seriousness, yeah, that would be really helpful. I know. Yeah, you live long enough, you're going to get rid of? In all seriousness, yeah that would be really helpful. I know. Yeah, you live long enough you're gonna get a few. I'm in LA for a few days so Maria, if you got time. Okay, yeah, oh I'm available. East side, east side. Yeah, come to the smart and final parking lot on Wilshire Boulevard. All right, Jeff, what do you got for us? Yeah, so I am telling in this story. So I promise I'm not as terrible as 2007. I just started college in DC. And I heard there was a, uh, a premiere for Darjeeling limited at the lowest theater downtown. Yeah. Yeah.

So I decided, uh, I decided to walk down there and about halfway, it started pouring rain, like day, lose two of every animal situation. And like, I'm stopping wet. So I get to the theater and I've got puddles in my shoes kind of like literally You can hear it sloshing around And I I'm late The rain slowed me down, but so was Jason Schwartzman apparently Walk into the lobby of the theater and it's literally just me and Jason Schwartzman, totally

empty otherwise. And I look at him, you know, I must have seemed absolutely insane because I'm dripping wet with the biggest smile on my face you can imagine. And I, you know, I panic and I just say, oh, hey, Jason, you know, as though we were best friends or something. And I could see the blood drain from his face, like, oh my God, what situation have I found myself in? So I go, oh my God, Jason, hey, big fan, you mind if we take a photo?

And I don't know if he like feared for his life or whatever, but he agreed to take the photo. And I walk over there, none of this is clicking in my mind. Yeah, and I just pull him in real close, like, you know, grab him by the shoulder. Sure. And bear hug him into me while I'm taking my selfie. Yep.

Cause it's like Snoopy. And I'm on top of the world. And he's a little fella too. He's tiny, it's fun. Yeah, I was gonna say, I was gonna give him some credit and say, I can't remember the details. He was like six, five or whatever, but no, he was, he's pretty short. Yeah, I was gonna say I was gonna give him some credit and say I can't remember the details He was like six five or whatever, but no he was he's pretty sure He's totally totally soaked on one side now

You know crushed him into myself and this did not cross your mind. You were just so Starstruck. Exactly. Oh, wow. So, but this is the thing. It didn't cross my mind then or for hours afterward. And I go home, I send my sister the photo and I'm like, check this out.

I got this photo with Jason Schwartzman. And then I look at the photo, like really look at it for the first time, and I see the most miserable man on earth. He looks so uncomfortable. And I'm like, oh my God. And then it all starts to piece together. Yeah.

I'm like, I just got this guy soaking wet for his premiere. But I'll make a slight admission now I didn't watch the movie I left right after that. Jeff you are a monster. You are a bad bad man. I gotta tell you I mean I have had you know people will recognize me fans or whatever and and sometimes it's, you know, there are like sort of weird situations that are slightly uncomfortable, but the last thing I would want is to be left moist

by the situation. You know, like a brush with somebody that oversteps, okay, just don't leave me wet. A clammy, a clammy back, the small of the back where somebody talks to you. Yeah. People can ask you, why are you wet, you know, for a few hours afterwards?

Oh dear. Well. Oh dear. Well. I was, I was, I was, all right. I was once at a, when I made a movie with Will Ferrell, and we went out on a Saturday, a bunch of us from the movie to lunch,

and the people were coming up, it was in Michigan. People were coming up, you know, bothering Will throughout the whole meal. It was real, like I'd never been around at this bad. And there was one woman who came up with her child and opened with a thing, my husband's overseas, like serving in the military.

And we'd take a picture with our kid and the kid was supposed to do some kind of trick. And so Will's like, okay, I will. And did it. She so Will's like, okay, I will, and did it. She came back three times, maybe four times. I think she, and she said, he didn't do the trick right. And then Will, as he's standing there and they're trying to get the kid to do the trick,

he figures out her husband's been back for a couple of years. He's like, oh, well, when's your husband coming back? She said, oh, he's right over there. Like, and he wasn't even in the service anymore, but she led with that. Oh, for sure, of course. And she said, and she came back, like I said, three or four times.

When the kid finally did the trick and she was like, he's doing it, he's doing it, Will, who was wearing a baseball cap, dipped his head. So that she got the kid doing the trick and him with a cap obscuring his face. So listen, we're all passive aggressive when it comes down to it. Well, it is odd how, like, I've never thought to ask anyone for a picture. When I see somebody I don't go, I just, I never want to bother anybody.

I just feel like they've given everything they've had. Yeah and I I have talked about this with people like with you know like my siblings or something and they'll say I don't get it and they'll say well yeah but you've been around this so much but honestly even as much as I can take myself out of my own experience I don't think I would cross, you know, like if I saw somebody that I really care, cause even today, I mean, you know, like I did a bit on Jimmy Kimmel and Mookie Betts was on,

and I so badly wanted to get a picture with Mookie Betts, but I just, it's like if it happened organically, then okay, but like I didn't want to cross the room and interrupt or do anything like that, cause it just, I'm like like I didn't want to cross the room and interrupt or do anything like that because it just I'm like I don't want to do that and that isn't even like because I understand from that perspective like no it's just like no I don't I want to avoid the awkwardness for all of us. It's exhausting admin. Yeah. It's what it is. Absolutely. So I just yeah I don't even want to do like with my my beloved friends and family, I just

go, you know, we're here, we're living it right now, do we have to take a picture? I don't know. At my brother's wedding, at my brother's wedding, when they were taking photos, it was a girl that we went to high school with and she's a professional photographer. And we did it for about a half an hour and then she's like doing like, okay, now the groomsmen line up from shortest to tallest. Now everyone like do jazz hands.

And now do the, and at a certain point I just walked away. I was like, we got plenty of fucking documentation that the fact that this guy got married and then he got divorced later. So it's like, you know, I just was, and she was really like, you know, like thought I was really big time. But, and perhaps, but it's like, no, I, no, bye.

Yeah, no. Enough with the picture taking. That's, yeah. No, I'm not a fan. I'm also not a very sentimental person. Like I just go, no, let's leave it. Burn it all. Burn it all.

Which we were in the fire, so we did burn it all. The last time, when I moved in with my wife and I had my own house, I told my son, I was like, you know what? The best thing that could happen right now? Fire. Burn that fucker down. And just let me go over there with a clean slate

and another pair of underwear. That's all I need to get started on my new life. Right? That is, yeah. Well, Maria, we're done. Are we done? This is another episode of the Andy Richard Collins show in the books.

I don't know if there are books, but it's being held online. I'm not gonna be able to tell you how my sister met Lisa Kudrow and started petting her. Sure, you can tell that. Or did you just tell it? No, I just told it. That was it.

Well, honestly, she's a beautiful woman, very petable, I would say. And if anyone can get away with it, probably your sister. My sister's a physician, and it was very- Oh, there you go. And if anyone can get away with it, probably your sister. My sister's a physician and it was very pedding. Oh, there you go. So it's clinical pedding. She just heard us be pedding. Well, we usually pick a favorite from these things.

Okay. We got the list up here. I feel like Jeff had some storytelling skills, even though he was the bad guy at the end. He was the bad guy in the story. But he really kept it tight and kept it moving. He did. He understood the pressure we were under as we were getting

near the hour, which we've gone over anyway, so it doesn't matter. That's the beautiful thing about Conan O'Brien radio. No one cares. No one cares. Let's see. I think I sort of, you know, and I'm a fan of testicle injuries. OK. I mean, oh, I sort of, you know, and I'm a fan of testicle injuries.

Okay. I mean, oh, I've said too much. There's nothing wrong with that. No, so that's a good one. I don't know, there's no real point in picking a favorite. We all have our favorites. Nobody wins anything. Well, yeah, isn't today a victory?

It is. And you know, you out there, you can win by checking out Maria Bamford dot com. Oh God. And coming and seeing her live. Yes. Yes. Does Jackie Cation still open for you?

Jackie Cation opens for me and... She's freaking hilarious too. She's freaking hilarious and she... YouTube your comedy before you go see it. Don't just trust your judgment. No no. See if you really enjoy it. Maria Sidonstein, just go, go now.

Leave the kids at home with a pile of food. And if you can't afford tickets, just email me. It's on my website and I can get you in. But, you know, don't only do that if it's for real. Don't do it, just... But everybody deserves to get to see comedy. Yes, exactly. I'll be back next week, but you stick around for Lori Kilmartin's stand-up on Conan.

Goodbye! And vaya con Dios. Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio!