The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Maria Bamford: Celebrity Blind Items (The Andy Richter Call-In Show Re-Release)

Episode Date: May 1, 2026

The Andy Richter Call-In Show is BACK next week with special guest Laci Mosley! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. Share your WILD-CARD story or question.   This week, we're looking back on one of our favorite episodes: Brushes With Fame with Maria Bamford!  We hear about a legendary rock frontman, a surprising TV cast feud, working with a beloved comic book artist, and much more. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan Oprah. I was getting a cough drop from my bag. In case I cough. This is the Andy Richter Collins show. Among the most professional shows on Sirius XM. They're actually using incredible space technology for you to be able to hear this. There's fucking satellites in the sky

that are making this possible. I'm Andy Richter and I am very thrilled here today to be joined by Maria Bamford. Thank you so much for having me on the show. Andy and I'm excited to hear the calls. Yeah. We're talking to people which I normally, no, no, no. I want nothing to do with. Well, I always, if I'm going to be talking to someone, I want it to be filmed.

I want it to be edited. Monetized. Monetized. We're going to be advertising involved. Subscribe. Hello, Fresh. Yeah. Better help.

We're talking to people. Although I don't think we do them anymore. Oh, that's for the best. I was with them for a while and my therapist said, Christy, of course you're stressed. You just had a baby when she texted me back. She had mixed me up with another client. I said, hey, girl, hey.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, if I had a baby, I have bigger problems. There are big blank gaps. Well, for those of you that don't know, and I mean, get on the stick, people. Maria's a brilliant actress, comedian, and author. You know her from her hilarious Lady Dynamite. She's in Big Mouth, Arrested Development, and much more. You can find her tour dates at Maria Bamford.com.

And her memoir, sure, I'll join your cult, is now available in paperback. Nice. Yes. All those things are true. And one thing is, no, no, no. Did you join a cult ever? No, when I say, of course, I mean it's a show loosely. Right, right, right.

The idea being your family is kind of your first belief system that you grow up in. And then you never question any of your practices as a family. And then you get to see somebody else's family. You're like, what? Like, what's going on over here? So. You guys questioned dear leader? How is that work?

But, and yeah. So I was also, I played a violin when I was three through the Suzuki method, which is kind of this, it is kind of a cult movement where it's a specific philosophy of how to teach children music. Right. Where you get the kids playing so young that they're not conscious that they don't like it. And then by the time they go, hey, this isn't any fun. You've already poured so much money into it that they're in. They're in for life. Is that?

Because I'm, I mean, I haven't heard of the Suzuki method. in a long time. But when I was younger, when I was a kid, it was talked about all over the place. Yeah. Maybe it was just a thing from the 70s. But,

yeah. Because I don't, I'm not, I don't ever hear to anybody. Talking about it now. Yeah, yeah. And you also don't see like, you know,

newborns playing, you know, playing Brahms anymore. Everybody likes a tiny person doing something amazing. Oh, don't, yeah? Yeah. Oh my gosh.

It's like elf on a shelf come to life. Watching and judging. And I think, like, show business can be a bit of a cult in that that people sacrifice everything for it. Like, no matter what. Yeah. Like this, this comes before. Like, I, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Unquestioning, following a goal that's, like, sort of nebulous. And also, like, wait, are you sure that's what you want? Right. Is that really going to fix everything? Yeah. Do I even like these people?

Yeah. Whoops. Whoops. Do I haven't like anybody? Well, Maria, today's topic is brushes with fame. You know, you're sort of doing it with a, you know, a blind item. Like I had the idea like, let's do celebrity stories because everybody loves to, you know, hear the dirt dished. Well, and it's like a bird watching sighting, you know, where you see a fantastic bird out in the wild and you get to meet.

It's just, it's amazing. Right. Because not everybody, I got to meet John Travolta. And he kissed me because we're in a scene together. It got cut from the film. But what I got to see is him do impersonations of Barbara Streisand all day long that were just meticulous. Like great impersonations of her for about a 10-hour shoot. Did you get the impression that he does them all the time?

that this is, or that he just was going through a phase? Maybe going through a phase. I think he's very, he was very good at it. So I assume he's, I'm sure he's, I mean, he's an excellent actor. So, but it was very entertaining and I was grateful. Wow. But I did not speak to him at all personally. Yeah.

Did he, did he know his lines? Because that's, he's famous. He's actually one of those people that's famous for having cute cards. having an earwig, you know, never knowing his lines. He knew them. He knew them. Yeah. And he also knew everybody's names on set.

I remember that specifically. Yeah. We shot in a Denny's in Pekoyma over a number of days. Classic. Yeah, it's a movie that's since been shelved. Somewhere, I'm not sure. Oh, they could have opened in Pekoma. But I'm trying to think like I don't know if I had that many.

I feel bad that I don't I don't know if I met that many famous people beyond yourself. Whoa. Do you have some people like because you must meet you've met a billion. Absolutely. The actual meeting of famous people has become so mundane or I mean not recently. I'm not rubbing elbows with the Hoy-Polloy these days. Is the Hoypolloy? Is that correct?

I don't know. Maybe Hoypolloy means regular people. Regular people. That is the regular people. I'm not rubbing elbows with the rich and famous. I mean, the famous I'm rubbing elbows with you, but you don't seem rich. I'm just guessing. Well, statistically, if you're going to look at it through some sort of stuff, I am rich.

Yes, I know. But I mean, just living here in this country, you're already sort of like, you got a leg up on the world's, you know, in terms of per capita income. Yeah, we're doing fine. Yeah, we do fine. And also my parents passed a little earlier than they had planned. So that's generational white wealth, which of course is unjust, but they did die. So justice served. All right.

Passing it on. They died before they could spend it all. That's right. Oh, that's nice. What a legacy. Now it's up to you. It's up to you to spend it all before you pass. I've got to spend it.

Well, and my husband, that's part of the reason we really connect with each other, is that he picked me up on our second date in a 92 Saturn where I could see the road passing beneath us as the car moved. And I said, is this paid off? And he said, sure is. And I said, well, hello, sailor. I like a man who lives within his means. That's right. That's right. Well, I mean, that is good.

Yeah. And also, if you're pulled over, it's a good way to stash, you know. You just toss. Dump the stuff that the cops are going to find, you know? Yeah. He continues to be great. We like to, yeah, he's lived on beans. He's a painter, so he's lived on beans and rice for years.

And so he was surprised whenever we went out for dinner. And I'm like, that's what I need. I don't need anybody who's, yeah, yeah, living high aflo. Low pressure. Low pressure. Sure. Yeah, I'm not, I'm a cheap date myself. I like a gas station food. I'm a comedian on the road. Yeah. Oh, my God. There's a reason they're there all day. They're good. Exactly. They're good. And if you, well, my sister, my husband taught me this. If you put, you can do it, you can sneak two hot dogs into a bun if nobody's watching. Yeah, but that's, we don't need to do that anymore.

No. Yeah. And also, you got to sleep at night. Yeah, you got to sleep. Yes. You got to sleep. Yeah. No, I want to be kind to the 7-Eleven corporation. That's right. Yeah. And, you know, and yes, I have met a million famous people to the point where there are famous people that I can't remember if I met them or if it's just, you know, like I should have met them. Because it was, you know, I mean, for so many years, it was a couple of three famous people a day, you know, four or five days a week. Yeah. And, I mean, there's not a lot of quality interaction, but, you know, it is seeing them. But, and then they probably remember you more than you remember them. And then you start to have, have you ever said, oh, I have face blindness.

A friend of mine says that. They say, oh, I have a disability. I don't say that, but I do say like. I'll make a joke of it and say, I'm very shallow. You know, I only think of myself. Or I'm just like, I don't, I can't. I mean, I'll be honest sometimes. And most of the time, people are fine if you're honest.

Like, I don't, I can't remember if I met you or not. Right. In real life. Yes. I mean, because it is like, if you see people on television and in movies and then you're on a talk show, you just kind of like, well, odds are. They're going to churn up in the froth one of these days. Yeah.

And it feels familiar. I mean, now I feel like there's only. many human faces I've seen over the course of my life and that I will see. Yeah. And so I, everybody kind of looks the same. Yeah. After a while. And I'm terrible with names, two names.

I'm not faceblind, but I'm definitely named blind. That's like when you said John Travolta knows everyone's name on set. I've worked with people like that. And I, I'm so envious of that ability. But I just, you know. Yes, it's beautiful. I say, hi, I'm Andy. And they say, hello, I'm Bob.

And then I'm, and they might as well say, hello, I'm, you know, it's because it just, I never retain it. Yes. So, but yeah, but also too, on the Conan show, meeting famous people after a while, it wasn't, it was better in the early, like in the early days when, you know, there'd be things like getting ready for the show to start. And I would enter from a different place than Conan. Conan would enter from backstage and I would just kind of sneak in through a side door. Okay. And then, you know, end up on my spot where I stood during the opening. Right.

And it was very early on. And I was standing in what they call the airlock, which is just like a little area. But there's like the doors to the studio and then doors to the doors to the studio. So there's this little sort of dead space. And in that dead space where the doors to Conan's dressing room, my dressing room, and the hair and makeup. and Rip Taylor walks through the doors and I had never met him but he knew me from the show and so I'm sitting there and going out to work in a minute or two, band's playing and it's like, oh, hello, Rip Taylor.

And we're standing there chatting and then out of hair and makeup, she was a guest that day. Shelly Winners. Because in the early days, we were the new guys. So we got all kind of the, you know, the old folks. Yeah, good falls. Yeah. That's awesome. And so Shelley Winners comes out and she sees him and she goes, Rippy, rippie, rippie, rippie.

And goes and hugs him. Like, she's crying. She goes like, I need some jokes. Tell me some jokes. And he runs a couple jokes. And he'll be fine. And they're chatting. And I don't, you know, and then I'm not paying attention.

And she is holding one of our hairbrushes, one of the show's hairbrushes. And as she's talking to him, she puts the hairbrush up her blouse, pulls her bra back, and scratches under her bra straps. Classy. With the hairbrush that does not belong to her. Like such a grandma move, like, you know. And if I'd been smart, I would have, like, grab that brush and kept it. and sealed it in the loose side or something. But those were, that was always like, that was the most fun, you know, kind of is seeing

people in those days. Because after a while, it's like. Yeah, well, everybody, yeah, it seems like, I mean, they definitely do the producing before where they go, these are the three beats you're going to talk about before you go it out. And, um, yeah, it is very rehearsed. Yeah, very. Well, and that's people who are good at talk shows.

They make it seem like it's not. Like they're just having a lovely time. Yeah, but I'm awkward. I'm not the best on TV taxes. I'd be like, I'm so aware that I'm here with. Yes, but you've made awkwardness sort of your brand. Well. It's like Mel Tillis's stutter with you, you know.

No, yeah, I do, I'm tremoring right now. And, you know, that is that is my gift. Yeah, yeah. No, and I don't mean to, I don't mean to belittle your suffering. No. No. I just mean that you, you are, you are a wonderful artist at bringing yourself to your work. Yes.

In an unvarnished kind of way. Yeah. No, my current affirmation is how is it my fault they hired me. Yeah, idiots. It's what you get. All right. Let's go to the phones. Yes.

First up, oh, international. We have Lenny from Canada. Oh, Canada. Where in Canada? Hi, Lenny. Where are you calling from? Toronto. Toronto. I love Toronto. Oh, Toronto's lovely. I love Canada. I went on a book club vacation there, and you can read a book and then hang out at the University of Toronto with a bunch of people. It turns out all in their 70s and 80s. And you all talk about the book?

I'll talk about the book. Wow. And then swing. Yeah. It would have been fun had there been like, but no, it was just my 85-year-old roommate saying, you're so loud. She was, and she wasn't wrong. I am loud. Oh, Lenny. All right. What do you got for us? And as I didn't really go over it, though, but, you know, like, I don't want to get sued. I don't, and I'm, it's just sort of a, you know, so if it's, if this is bad, stuff, speak in code, the blind item, as it were. It's very bad.

It's very bad. So. All right. I'll keep it generic. No, I've rehearsed it generically. Okay, good. Brett farf. Okay.

No, sorry. Sorry. Father Guido Sarducci. The Grinch. All right. All right. Okay. So I was visiting.

visiting New York City, there was an event being held by a nonprofit organization for a very good cause. Yes. And there was a particular actor there quite well known, quite well known, had achieved notoriety in television and film. And I love this particular actor, both as an actor and as a person because they're just always doing good work for the world. Oh. So. Uh-oh. You mean outside of acting?

outside of acting, they really use their notoriety to do good in the world for people, for the environment. For the environment. So Brett Farb, you were right on. And I, so I had a photo. I had a photo, a studio photo, like an original from a scene in this iconic old TV show. I'll just say 1970s, but you know you want me to keep it anonymous. I understand.

Very iconic. I mean, big time. So you're about to burden them. You're about to burden them with a task. Okay. Sorry. Yes. And that photo was from a scene in which this actor and another even more famous actor

were portrayed. And the second more famous actor is since deceased. So I approached. So I attended the event. I introduced myself, got to meet this actor. I held out a photo and a Sharpie. And I said, if you wouldn't mind signing this, that would mean a lot. So he took the photo, looked at it.

And then he looked to me and he said, yeah, referencing the other more famous actor in the photo. He said, yeah. I hate that guy. Oh. And I was, I was in shock. I was in shock for a moment, and I collected myself. I said, well, what, what happened? And then this, this actor said to me, that guy got me fired from the show.

Oh. And was he a series regular or just? So, yeah, so I'm trying to keep generic, too many clues. Some people might figure it out. So this actor was in, he became. this what appears to be like a recurring character, like an indelible permanent recurring character on this TV show. So not every episode. So kind of like Newman on Seinfeld. Sure. He knew after a couple of episodes, okay, this guy, he's going to be around for years. He was

that kind of character. You just knew it. But he actually was only on three episodes. And I'd never questioned that. I was sad about it. And I wondered why they actually, they killed him off. In a fourth episode, they just referenced this actor, and they killed him off in the script. Anyway, so he says to me, I guess they've revealed the gender, so that's about a specific session, yeah. But he says to, I said, what happened? He said, well, in this third and final episode that I appeared with this other super iconic television actor, I, according to this more famous guy who's now deceased, I got a bigger

laugh than any laugh he got on that third episode. That's according to this real big shot. Yeah. And according to this actor I was talking to, he said, so the real big shot actor went to the producers and said, I can't have anyone in this series who's going to outshine me and ever get a bigger laugh than me. So I want you to kill him off in the script. Wow.

Oh. I wonder if that happens in real life where people just say, you know, let's kill off that comedian just in real, like just as snipers. I have heard, I have definitely heard stories of there was a show that a friend of. Let's take out the opener. A friend of mine worked, a friend of mine worked on a show that was a period piece like in Western times. Okay. And there was a kid on the show. and the kid's real-life mother

was such a pain in the ass to the showrunner that he came into the room once after having dealt with her and said, we got to kill that fucking kid. And the next episode, he was,

like he got like some kind of milk sickness or something and died some kind of cowboy death. But yeah, I mean, populism or something. Definitely, yeah. And I certainly have had friends. who have been support, had supporting roles in, in, uh, multi-camera sitcoms, had a funny joke,

a line that they delivered. And during the next run through, that line has been passed over to the star of the show. That's so interesting. It's very sad. It's very sad. Oh, gosh. Wow. It really happens.

The funny thing about this other, this is an allegation, but it was believable to me, The funny thing about this other now deceased, iconic Hall of Fame actor is that, you know, he, this person is considered like very, was considered very liberal, very progressive, like spoke out politically was not someone you would ever think would have an alleged ego to the extent of getting another actor fired. So I just like a fascinating story. I didn't, I'm not judging anyone. I love them both for what they did. ended up signing it just to be nice to me. Yeah. He signed it.

Good. He kind of didn't want to, but. Oh. Well, now we get to guess who it is. It's obviously Mr. Rogers and Mr. and speedy delivery, the speedy delivery guy. Wouldn't that be? I wonder. I have a question.

Andy, since, you know, honestly, although I idolize you and Conan very much, I have to say, There's been a couple of times where I thought you got the biggest laugh on an episode of late night. Do you think Conan ever, like, considered taking out a hit on you? Oh, wow. No, no, he did not. He has good enough taste and good enough sense to know that all boats rise with the, you know, with the tide of laughter. So. I'm just kidding.

No, no, but I mean, but it is, it's a legit thing. And it's something I've said. a lot about him generally is that there are there's not a lot of other people in his position who allowed someone of a similar skill set to sit right next to them for years and years and years and years. You know, they were sort of if you, if there was someone of even a somewhat similar skill set, they, with any regularity, they had to be across a studio or something, you know. So, you know, he's a very generous guy. and I know.

A very secure guy for a guy who's deeply insecure, strangely enough. I know. I know, I know he's, I'm trying to be, I'm trying to be talking about much success. I know you're both nice guys. That's part of your appeal. If you're just, you're like nice, nice people along with things. But anyway, thanks for letting me. Thank you.

For sharing that. I really appreciate that. And I appreciate you both. I want, hilarious, nice people. Thank you. Before you go, Lenny, I wonder, though, if you can tell, like, Like, Sean, can he tell us who the dead person was? Yes.

Since the dead person can't. Really? Unless you don't want to. Okay. Well, the dead person? No, I didn't, wait, I didn't get, yes or no? Yes. Oh, he says yes.

Tell us who the dead person was. Carol O'Connor, Archie Bunker. Oh, you know what? That was one of the names that went through my head. Whoa, okay. Really? Yeah, yeah. How could you come to that?

How could you come to that? I'm fascinated. How could you come to that name just out of like, did you know that? Do you know who I'm talking about? Could you say, oh, that guy, he was only in three episodes to that show. Yes. I think I know who you're talking about.

Who's, oh, who's the guy from the show? Well, I don't want to. I'm not sure. And I don't, and because this person's alive. All I know is meatball. Who's meatball? Or Meathead? Meathead.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But he was a series regular. Yeah. No, you know, you were just talking about big iconic people and that crossed my mind. And I also knew that there were that show had a lot of recurring characters that, you know, came in, you know, and spin-offs too. Right. Yes.

So, yeah, there were a lot of people. You have a lot, but, you know, but some of them, like the Jeffersons, like they weren't there for three episodes. Like, once a recurring character was introduced on all in the family, you knew. they were going to be around for years. And this, this one was like, okay, that's it. Yeah, yeah. He's going to be around for seven years. And then, whoo, he's dead.

And, like, there was never any explanation. Yeah. Anyway. Wow. It's sad. I love that guy on the show. I thought he fit. The chemistry was amazing as actors between those two who had that weird rift.

Yeah. Chemistry was amazing. So it was just a shame. Interesting. If it's true, it was a shame. Well, thank you, Lenny. And thank you for. divulging the estate of Carol O'Connor. Don't go after Lenny. Go after me. I can take it.

You can have all $12. Yeah, I don't either. All right. Thank you, Lenny. I got Canadian money. I got Canadian money. I got Canadian money. Yeah, all the loonies they can carry. All right. All right. Thanks, guys. Thanks very much, Lenny. I appreciate it. Sure. I don't think I mentioned the phone number yet. 855-266-2-604 if you have any sort of anything you want to share with us. It doesn't have to be celebrity-related. It could, you know, it could be a cry for help. Those are always hilarious. Chicago, we got Barry.

Hello, Barry. Hey, Andy. Maria Bamford and Andy Richter here, waiting to hear you dish. Hi, nice to hear you. You guys are just great. Thank you. I'm going to share the the Shelley Winters and Rip

Rip Taylor's story instantly with my wife and kids Oh good Good good good Okay well mine Mine is easier to tell And it's it's nothing horrendous So I can share names

Yes of course It's very safe And this took place in Chicago At a comic convention In the early 90s And I was I was working with Marvel at the time As an artist

and as a result of that, I got invited to an after-party with guest Stan Lee, and a bunch of us artists, if you were an artist working in Marvel, you're invited. I was very generous of them. So we went across the street to some place I want to say some big pizzeria that was like real close to downtown. So there was like maybe 30 or 40 people around a big table. And, you know, we're all kind of kind of geeked out no matter what position. where are in the industry to see Stan at that time. And Clive Barker was also there.

Oh. Which was weird. I mean, he was just launching things like Hellraiser. Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Pinhead and all those xenomorphs.

Yeah, yeah. It just, God, what did he do, do not? Nightbreed. Yeah. Nightbre was the big 90s thing. Right. So at one point, Stan stands up and says, hey, you know, I don't really know a lot of you here.

So why don't we just, go around the table and each of you can stand up and tell me who you are what you do for the company and we all look at each other like okay this is this is a nerd nightmare we're all you know and not the best socially but we're all we're at desks all day hey introverts get up and get up and have everybody look at you perform yeah so people begin nervously getting up and telling Stan their deal. And it's coming around the table toward me and

my girlfriend, Holly. And I didn't really know Holly very well, but she was there in like a drop-dead black dress and looked like Cameron Diaz. And I lean over to Holly and jokingly says, hey, you should tell Stan that you're with

you're with an escort service. Oh. And she, I'm not knowing Holly very well at the time. I did not know that she was really up for things like this. She was like, she was

Loki. She was nicknamed Loki, as a matter of fact. I didn't know any of this. So Holly says, okay. And I immediately go, no, wait, I'm kidding. Please, please don't do this. No, this is very bad idea. It's too late. Here she comes and she stands up and her looking

fantastic. And as blasé as she could, she looks at stances. I was paid to be here. And there was this moment, this lurching moment of silence. And Stan looks across the table at her and at me and back to her. And then Stan's wig kind of goes up an inch with this brow. And I've got my head in my hands like, oh, my God.

And then Stan laughed, which made everything okay. And then everyone else felt safe to laugh. Yeah, yeah. And that was my window into Stan Lee's world. And is now she your wife? She is now my wife. Is she really? That's hilarious.

Oh, wow. She is now my wife, yes. Wow. That pretty much cemented the deal. I can't possibly let this woman out of my orbit. Yes, well, Mazel tov. All right. Well, thank you, Barry.

Thanks for the call. Oh, that's an interesting. Okay, thanks you guys. All right. Bye. Next up, we got Tony from Columbus. Oh. Columbus, Ohio, I'm assuming.

Tony. Yeah, Columbus, Ohio. Nice. You got me and Maria. Oh, my gosh. I admire both of you so much. Thank you. My story, in 1995, I owned a bookstore,

and I was in New York at the American Booksellers Association Conference, which meets every, used to meet every year to showcase the new books that were coming out from publishers. And sometimes they had early versions of the books for booksellers to look through or take home to read. And I was with a friend, a fellow bookseller. And we were both in the booth for one of my favorite art publishers. And I saw a book that caught my eye. It was for the most recent work of Willem Dekooning. And I knew Dekooning had been diagnosed with dementia.

but he continued to work in his studio every day. So I wanted to see the new paintings. And I opened the book and all the pages were blank. And I turned to my friend and I said, it looks like Dekooning forgot to send in the paintings. And she laughed. But on the other side of me, I heard another laugh. And I looked up and it was David Byrne,

who had a new book out that year also and was attending. And I smiled at him and he shyly looked away pretending he hadn't been eavesdropping on our cruel joke. Yeah. And then wandered away as it looking for something else. Now, I work in publishing now, and I know that's called a blank, and its purposes to let booksellers know how much space a book will take up. Oh.

I didn't know that at the time. Yeah. And so now I'm in my 60s, and I don't find that joke all that funny. But it made David Byrne laugh, so I will never forget it. Oh. It's not that bad. No, no. Yeah.

I mean, it's just situational. I'm sure DeConing would have, I'm sure he would have laughed at it. Yeah. He had a good run. Well, and the paintings were great. I eventually did get the book. And it was amazing to see how his work changed when that happened. Yeah.

That's what I was really interested in. Yeah. Yeah, I got to, David Byrne, I got to, one of the coolest things I ever got to do, was there was a 40th anniversary screening of Stop Making Sense here in Los Angeles. And Fred Armisen was supposed to emcee the Q&A after the screening with all four members of Talking Heads. And he was stranded working overseas. So I filled in. And it was really, really great and really amazing.

And really, you know, it was a pinch myself kind of moment. And David Byrne is like, I don't know. I just never would have thought that he's as sort of funny and liked as he is. Because he does, his public persona is pretty, can be pretty serious, you know. I mean, he's done sort of some silly stuff. And there was that movie, uh, true stories. True stories. Yeah.

But he, I asked him backstage about, uh, when you watch the movie now. because they had been kind of, because one of the things that had happened with the movie is that the ownership reverted back to the band. So it was in their best interest to really kind of get it out there and just have people see it.

And they had done a number of these kind of evenings of screenings. And I said, how do you feel? I said, when's the last time you saw the movie? He said, I saw it once in preparation for this run of things. And I said, what was it like to see yourself 40 years later?

and he just he said i just said i wanted to tell that guy dave calm down it's going to be okay Dave just relax you're saying no yeah which was pretty sweet so yeah no david burn a level of energy yeah yeah yeah i you know i i understand making how you would take away making him laugh Well, yeah, and, you know, I don't feel bad outing David about this because really I'm the terrible person. Yes. No. Yeah. Listen, for all the shit I've talked about people, this is nothing.

Trust me. Trust me. Well, good. All right. I don't want David to sound like a mean person because I love him so much. Of course, of course. All right. Well, Tony, thank you so much.

Thanks. Thank you. All right. Oh, CM. CM coming in from Los Angeles. Hello. Hi there. You got Maria Bamford and Andy Richter here, waiting to hear your story.

All right. Well, this story goes back. First of all, because I'm not allowed to use this person's name, I'm just going to substitute their name and call them Stephen Blyer. Okay. Okay. Or how about Chief Justice Stephen Brier? Chief Justice, that's too hard.

for me. Or not Chief Justice, Supreme Court Justice. Okay. Anyways, okay, we got it. Yeah, Steve. Or we'll just call him Steve. Steve, even better. Okay.

Many years ago was my first year going to school. I was up in Boston going to school, and I'm in kind of a punk, just kind of a jerk. I was 18 years old, and I was on my way to class. And sometimes, like this day, I would stop by with my roommate who worked. at this very popular cafe on this very popular touristy street. And I would get a free coffee out of it, and then I just walked to school. We turned, I was walking with him,

and we turned onto the street, and there was Steve, surrounded by tourists, and he was with a couple family members and a bodyguard, and they were just, they were in awe of this guy. And he's the lead singer of this very popular Boston band, very world-renowned. And I was a very well-known. I do not like their music at all.

Okay. And being kind of a jerk at 18 years old, I said, over the, over, I didn't think you would even hear me. I said, oh, my God, it's Stephen. Oh, my God. Will you sign my chest? And he immediately, I didn't think he would even hear me. He turned and looked right at me.

And he just immediately cut through all these tourists, went right up to me and just grabbed me by the jacket. And he said, all right, come on. He's also known very much for his mouth, his very big mouth. Yes, yes. Big mouth. Yeah, you know, yeah, we, I mean, you know, come on, you already kind of gave it away. And we're just, you know, yeah, yeah.

So, okay. Anyway, well, some people don't know who this is. Okay. He was in my face and he just said, let me see it. Let me see your chest. Come on, let's see it. And I was so embarrassed that I just said, oh, I don't have a pen. And so I just kind of ran off and caught up with my roommate.

I got my free coffee. And about 15 minutes later. I'm mixing sugar or cream or whatever into my coffee in this very, very busy cafe filled with people. And all of a sudden a hand just shoved me really hard against the shoulder into the wall. I turn and look and there he is. And all the people in this entire place had stopped talking. They're all looking at me. And I feel so small and so just embarrassed.

And there he is. There's that mouth in my face going, come on, let's see it. Let's see it. And he's poking at my chest trying to, I had this jacket on that my, but a friend of mine had left at my house that I really liked. And so I was really proud that day of just wearing this nice red jacket. And he's trying to pull at the buttons of the jacket saying, come on, let's see it. Let's see it.

And I was so embarrassed. And again, I just said, I'm sorry, I don't have a, I don't have a pen. And his daughter that was there said, oh, I have one. And she pulls out a Sharpie. Oh, yeah. I was so embarrassed to even just pull my shirt up or whatever. I just said, you can just sign the jacket. So he just writes his name right from shoulder to shoulder, right across the chest.

He just scribbles his name. And I just got my coffee, put the lid on, and I took off to school just with my tail between my legs. A couple weeks later, my friend came up and said, hey, I left my jacket at your place. And I said, oh, yeah. And I gave him the jacket. And he said, what did you do to my jacket? And I said, I didn't do it. Stephen did that.

Yeah, Steve did it. Are we talking about Stephen Tyler? Shh. Okay, I just needed to know. It's a possibility. I can't stand not knowing. I really can't stand it. I'll write it down or I'll text it to you while we're sitting here.

Okay, but anyway, so what does your friend say? He, luckily, my roommate that worked at the coffee place who watched the entire thing was there to confirm it. Right, the provenance. He also didn't like this group, so he was kind of mad that Stephen did this to his jacket. Oh. It was a nice jacket. Did he continue to wear that jacket? I don't think he did, no.

Are you still friends with this person? I am, yeah. Oh, my gosh. He could have put it aside and, you know, and then brought it out later. That was a long time ago. Did you feel like he was signing it out of anger, that he was irritated that you, yelled out at him or that he was actually thinking that you were a fan? No, I think he kind of thought, like, I'll show this punk kid.

You're going to ask me a question like that? I'm going to give this to you. You want this? I'm going to give it to you. He's trying to sign my actual body. Yeah, because he understood your mocking tone. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I see what you're saying. Which I'm always amazed in the music world when people get mad, especially like the rock and roll world where someone goes, your band sucks and they get really mad. It's like, isn't that just, isn't that like saying hello in the rock and roll world? That band sucks, this band rules. You know, especially punk. Isn't there somebody who, yeah, they throw bottles on stage?

Oh, there's lots of those guys. There's a very famous paparazzi thing of Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray from Sugar Ray. from Sugar Ray. He's delightful. Well, he's, this is a while ago too. And there's like, I mean,

and it's like a 14 year old kid across the street and as there's this scrum of paparazzi and it's on video and this kid goes like, more like sugar gay. And Mark McGrath makes a fucking bee line

for this little kid and, you know, kind of says, you want to go, you want to go right now? I still think it's going to beat up a teenager for saying more like sugar gay, which is like, no, you're just making it worse, Mark. You should just have.

I met him once and he said, if you smell funnel cakes, that's where I'm, that's where our band's at. So I was like, oh, he gets, or has a sense of humility, but maybe he was. Right. I think everybody can have a bad day. Yes, that's true. And I think it was probably early on before he gained wisdom and, sense of self-humor, you know, that happens. But yeah.

But Stephen, for him to get that wound up that he then follows you afterwards is this guy, Steve, take it easy, Steve. I'm just glad he was with his family. So I wonder what he would have, maybe he would have done something different if they weren't there. Right. Yes. That is strange.

Yeah, yeah, very strange. Well, thank you so much. Yes, I was calling. Have a good day, guys. All righty. I got all sorts of feelings in my body listening to that. Yes. You know, there is a famous singer, too, and I think this is well documented.

It sounds very much like this guy he was talking about, who in the early days of his band had a girlfriend who was like 15. Oh, God, yeah. Wanted to take her on tour, got the parents to sign over, like basically he adopted her. The prince. Prince did that. He did that too? did that too. Yeah, he adopted his wife. Wow.

Yeah. Wow. I mean Men really are pieces of work, aren't they? They're fun. They don't understand. They don't understand what they're doing. They just love youth. They love youth in all its forms. I do have one celebrity story in that

Puff Daddy. He used to watch shows at the Improv Puff Diddy, Puff Daddy. Yes, yes. He, and, yeah, he kept wanting to see me showcase when I was a young, hot thing. And I was like, what does he want to see me? What does he care of what stand of? And then I, yeah, and then that was, oh, that's the story. Right, right, right.

Oh, wow. But. Well, good thing you stayed clear of his grasp. Oh, he's in a heap load of trouble right now. He certainly is. Yeah. Certainly is. Oh, boy.

Keith from California Hello Andy I understand you have a special sort of call for us I do it's very special It's a What's the one when you get the horn Oh come on you know what it is Just say it

Maria read those words Wild card Wild card It's a wild card call Which means all topics are Out the window. Okay. It can be about anything.

Love it. Keith, hit us with your wild card. By the way, Maria, every time you say wild card, that happens. So just so you know. It feels really affirming. It's really good. Okay. Yes.

Keith, go. So I think this one should have been with the Fula Borg episode, the weird injuries. Oh, okay, good. Weird injuries. Love it. This is a really weird. injury, but I think the person lived. So this happened down at University of Illinois. Uh-huh.

Right near there. I was, I have a nephew that went to you of I from 2017 to 2021. And in Champaign, Urbana. And Champaign Urbana. Yes, okay. And he doesn't have a real relationship with his father. So on father's or dad's weekend, which is early November, my brother, my brother is, my brother, in-laws and I would go down for uncle's weekend. Oh, nice. We coined it Uncle's weekend. So we would

go to the football game and take him out to Murphy's and you know, the whole thing. And it was super fun bonding time with our nephew and you know, the last year was COVID. So it was a very special year. It was really weird too.

So one brother-in-law of my we'll name him. His name is Jeff. He suggested, hey, we should go do some mountain biking before Uncle's weekend down at U of I. And there's a trail system about 30 miles east of the school called Kickapoo. It's a little mountain bike trail area.

It's a series of ravines that go in, down and up out of a little river valley. You're giving us way more detail than it's necessary. I don't mean to be rude, but. So, you know, I, sorry. So I met him at the trailhead,

and he comes and tells me I had a procedure done about a week ago. Oh. And I'm like, okay. And he had a vasectamine done. Oh, boy. And his doctor said, don't do anything strenuous.

Yeah, of course not. the next seven days after the vasectomy. Yeah. So you got it done the Friday before, and I'm counting on my fingers. I was like, this is day eight. Yeah. And he just tells me, you're going to have to take it easy on me on the bike. So, you know, we take it easy, right?

But about five miles into the bike ride, he's, we're going down into the ravines, climbing out. I climb out. He's nowhere to be found. It's like 10, 15 minutes. I'm waiting at the top. And he comes walking really slow out of the ravine, holding his crotch.

Okay. And a broken chain on his bike. And so what happened was he was climbing out of there, and his chain snapped, and then he sat on his testicles. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. And probably opened some incisions. Exactly.

No, luckily nothing happened. Oh, boy. He just sat around at Uncle's weekend with a bag of ice on his crust. Yeah, yeah. See, I think you should have advised him as a, as co-uncles. Yeah. Like maybe sit this out. Like, let's, you know, yeah, let's, how about we, you know, play mini golf or something that isn't

involved, you know, with impact to the cock and balls. Yeah, or yeah, because it's so easily that you can get a massive infection and then end up in the hospital. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We suggested to go to the hospital, but he, you refused. He just took some ID pro fan. He's a real stoic.

Oh, God. A real stoic. No way. I got sniffed and I'm not. never looking back. Oh, dear. All right. Well, yeah, that's rough.

That's rough. And did he do a visual inspection while you were there in front of him? That's fun. No, but I know he vomited on the way home from the trail. So back to the university, he pulled over and I kind of saw him with his head out with the door. and vomiting. He was puking because he hurt his nuts. Oh, my.

Oh, boy. That's classic Central Illinois behavior there. That kind of thing happens all the time. So that's why nobody cared. Oh, wow. All right, Keith. Well, thank you so much for the wild card. Talking about medical procedures, I am fully certified by my father, who is a dermatologist,

to remove pedunculated lesions. What is pedunculated? It's a skin tag. It's what skin tags are. All I have to do, take a piece of dental floss, tied around the root of it, let the blood be cut off as well as it can't come in or come out the blood. And so then the whole thing bursts after about a week of being tied off and just falls off.

Yeah, yeah. And you can also just yank those off and then dabny is pouring on the hole. I'm just saying. Wait a minute. You know, I'm just saying that is a possibility. Yeah, but Padunk, Dr. Padunkadunk is more fun. Now, do you have this certification? Like, is it on a laminated card in your wallet?

I mean, my father's grave, I think, is enough to... I wondered what that holster of dental floss on your belt was for. I'm here for anyone who needs a quick procedure. Hey, buddy, you like that thing on your neck? I can get rid of that for you. I don't. Just hold still Miss, please

I'm just your Uber driver I said hold still Oh, we got another call Jeff from Cleveland Hello Hey guys, how are you? Good, you got any skin tags You want to get rid of

In all seriousness Yeah, that would be really helpful I have played a few Yeah, you live long enough You're going to get a few Actually, I'm in L.A. for a few days. So, Maria, if you got time. Oh, okay, yeah.

Oh, I'm available. Eastside, east side. Yeah, come to the smart and final parking lot on Wilshire Boulevard. All right, Jeff, what do you got for us? Yeah, so I am filling in this story. So I promise I'm not as terrible as, oh, no. 2007. I just started college in D.C.

And I heard there was a premiere for Darjeeling Limited at the lowest theater downtown. Yeah, yeah. So I decided to walk down there. And about halfway, it started pouring rain, like deluge, two of every animal situation. And like, I'm sopping wet. So I get to the theater and I've got puddles in my shoes, kind of like literally, you can hear it. sloshing around. And I'm late. The rain slowed me down. But so was Jason Schwartzman, apparently. So I walk into the lobby of the theater, and it's literally just me and Jason

Schwartzman. Totally empty otherwise. And I look at him, you know, I must have seemed absolutely insane because I'm dripping wet with the biggest smile on my face you can imagine. Yeah. And I, you know, I panic and I just say, oh, hey, Jason, you know, as though we were best friends or something. And I could see the blood drain from his face, like, oh, my God. What situation if I found myself in? So I go, oh, my God, Jason, hey, big fan, you mind if we take a photo. And I don't know if he feared for his life or whatever, but he agreed to take the photo. And I walk over there.

None of this is clicking in my mind yet. and I just pulling in real close. Like, you know, grab him by the shoulder. Sure. And bear hug him in to me while I'm taking my selfie. Yep. Because it's like Snoopy. I'm on top of the world.

And he's a little fella too. He's tiny. It's fun. Yeah, I was going to say, I was going to give him some credit and say, I can't remember the details. He was like 6, 5 or whatever. No, he was. He's pretty short. Yeah, he's a little.

Like a baby. I get him. Yeah. He's totally, totally. totally soaked on one side now from where I've, you know, crushed him into myself. And this didn't not cross your mind. You were just so

starstruck. Exactly. Oh, wow. But this is the thing. It didn't cross my mind then or for hours afterward. And I go home, I send my sister the photo and I'm like, check this out. I got this photo with Jason Schwartzman.

And then I look at the photo, like really look at it for the first time. And I see the most miserable man on earth. He looks so uncomfortable. And I'm like, oh, my God. And then it all starts to piece together. Yeah, you know?

I'm like, I just got this guy soaking wet for his premiere. But I'll make a slight admission now. I didn't watch the movie. I left right after that. You are a monster. A bad, bad man. Because I've got to tell you, I mean, I have had, you know, people will recognize me, fans or whatever. And sometimes it's, you know, there are like sort of weird situations that are slightly uncomfortable.

But the last thing I would want is to be left moist by the situation. Yeah. You know, like a brush with somebody that oversteps, okay, just don't leave me wet. A clammy back of the small of the back. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, here you go. Yeah. People can ask you, why are you wet, you know, for a few hours afterwards?

Oh, dear. Well. Oh, dear. Well. All right. I was once at a, when I made a movie with Will Farrell and we went out on a Saturday, a bunch of us from the movie to lunch. And people were. coming up. It was in a, it was in Michigan. People were coming up, you know, bothering Will

throughout the whole meal. It was real like I'd never been around at this bed. And there was one woman who came up with her child and opened with a thing, my husband's overseas, like serving in the military and we'd take a picture with our kid. And the kid was supposed to do some kind of trick. And so Will's like, okay, I will. And did it. She came back three times, maybe four times. I think she, and she said, he didn't do the trick right. And then Will, as he's standing there and they're trying to get to get to do the trick,

he figures out her husband's been back for a couple of years. He's like, well, when's your husband coming back? She said, oh, he's right over there. Like, and he wasn't even in the service anymore. But she led with that. Oh, for sure. Of course. And she said, and she came back, like I said, three or four times.

When the kid finally did the trick and she was like, he's doing it, he's doing it. Will, who was wearing a baseball cap, dipped his head. So that she got the kid doing the trick and him with a cap obscuring his face. So, well, there you go. Listen, we're all passive aggressive when it comes down to it. Well, and it is odd how, like I've never thought to ask anyone for a picture. When I see somebody, I don't go, I just, I never want to bother anybody. I just feel like they've given everything they've had.

Yeah. And I, I have talked about this with people, like with, you know, like my siblings or something. And I'll say, I don't get it. And they'll say, well, yeah, but you've been around this so much. But honestly, even as much as I can take myself out of my own experience, I don't think I would, I would cross, you know, like if I saw somebody that I really can. Because even today, I'm in, you know, like. like I did a bit on Jimmy Kimmel and Mooky Betts was on. And I so badly wanted to get a picture with Mooky Betts.

But I just, it's like if it happened organically, then okay. But like, I didn't want to cross the room and interrupt or do anything like that. Because it just, I'm like, I don't want to do that. And that isn't even like, because I understand from that perspective. Like, no, it just like, no, I don't, I want to avoid the awkwardness for all of us. It's exhausting admin. Yeah. Is what it is.

Absolutely. So I just, yeah, I don't even want to look with my beloved friends and family. I just go, you know, we're here. We're living it right now. Do we have to take a picture? I don't know. At my brother's wedding, at my brother's wedding, when they were taking photos, it was a girl that we went to high school with and she's a professional photographer.

And we did it for about a half an hour. And then she's like doing like, okay, now the groomsmen. line up from shortest to tallest. Now everyone like do jazz hands and now do the, and at a certain point I just walked away. I was like we got plenty of fucking documentation

with the fact that this guy got married and then he got divorced later. So it's like, you know, I just was and she was really like thought I was really big time and but perhaps but it's like no like no goodbye. Enough with the picture

taking. That's yeah. No, I'm not a fan. I'm also not a very sentimental person. Me either. I just go, no, let's leave it. Burn it all. Oh. Burn it all.

Which we were in the fire, so we did burn it at all. The last time, when I moved in with my wife and I had my own house, I told my son, I was like, you know what? The best thing that could happen right now, fire. Burn that fucker down and just let me go over there with a clean slate and, you know, a, you know, another pair of underwear, that's all I need to get started on my new life. Right. That is, yeah. Well, Maria, we're done.

Are we done? This is another episode of the Andy Richard Collins show in the books. I don't know if there are books, but it's being held online. I'm not going to be able to tell you how my sister met Lisa Kudrow and started petting her. Sure, you can tell that. Or did you just tell it? No, I just told it. Oh, okay.

Well, honestly, she's a beautiful. woman, very pedible, I would say. And if anyone can get away with it, probably your sister. My sister's a physician and it was very funny. Oh, there you go. It's clinical petting. Well, we usually pick a favorite from these

things. Okay. We got the list up here. I feel like Jeff had some story telling skills even though he was the bad guy in the story. But he really kept it tight and kept it moving. He did. He understood the pressure we were under as we were getting near the hour.

which we've gone over anyway, so it doesn't matter. That's the beautiful thing about Conan O'Brien Radio. No one cares. No one cares. Let's see. I think I sort of, you know, and I'm a fan of testicle injuries. Okay. I mean, oh, I've said too much.

There's not a one, no, so that's a good one. I don't know. There's no real point in picking a favorite. We all have our favorites. Nobody wins anything. Well, yeah. Isn't today a victory? It is.

And you know, you out there, you can win by checking out Maria Bamford.com. Oh, God. And coming and seeing her live. Yes. Yes. And does Jackie Cation still open for you? She's freaking hilarious too. And she, YouTube your comedy before you go see it.

Don't just trust your judgment. No, no. See if you really enjoy it. Maria Seid unseen. Just go. Go now. Leave the kids at home with a pile of food. And if you can't afford tickets,

you just email me, it's on my website, and I can get you in. But, you know, don't only do that if it's for real. Don't do it. But everybody deserves to get to see comedy. Yes, exactly. I'll be back next week, but you stick around for Lori Kilmartin' stand-up on Conan.

Goodbye! And via condios. Conan, I'm not.