The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Martha Kelly: Weird Injury Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: January 30, 2026

Comedian and actress Martha Kelly (Euphoria, Fallout, Baskets) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your WEIRD INJURY STORIES!  Want to be a part of the Andy Richter Call-In Show? Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask Andy a question! Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien. Oh my gosh, guys. I'm so glad that you're here for the Andy Richter Call-in Show. We are back another Wednesday, another chance to really connect, to really do some healing for all of us to go on a journey together. Today, we're going to be talking weird injury stories. I was wrecking my brain from my own, and there's a couple, but I don't know. know than I would ever tell them to anyone aside from a medical professional. So we'll see if that comes out.

855-266-2-604 is the number. If you've got a weird injury story, we're here for the next hour. And if you've got one, give a call in. We might put you on the air. I mean, it's got to be good or, you know, or better than what's on hold. And as usual, we will also take any wild card, any wild card calls that you have. So any topic, we're not, we're not picky. And my guest host today is the very funny and very talented Martha Kelly. Hello. Hi, Andy Richter. How are you?

For those of you who don't know, she's a comedian and an actress, she's been in euphoria, baskets and common side effects. She's also appearing in the upcoming Mod Apatow directed film Poetic License. I really was going to try and... She'll also appear in the upcoming Mod Apatow directed film Poetic License. And right now you can watch the animated series Common Side Effects on Max and Fallout on Amazon. And she'll be a series regular in this season three of Euphoria, where she plays a very bad person, a drug dealer. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever dealt drugs? No, the most I ever did was smoke pot and marijuana for the younger people. Yeah, yeah. We call it pot. We call it. Now it's weed.

Pot, nobody calls it pot anymore. And when I was in my 20s, if you called it weed, you were made fun of for being like an old hippie. So now, but now weed is back. But yeah, I smoked it in my 20s and early 30s, but I only ever bought it like twice, which is a stain on my character that I was smoking so much of other people's pot. and not paying for it, but I did. And it was fun. I loved it. But no, I never dealt it.

That is like, I mean, and not, but that is, like that just, I remember from my youth, that was just kind of like, that's what girls did. Yeah. Like, you know, like girl stoners, they didn't buy weed. They just smoked weed. I was scared to, the two times I bought it, I was like, well, I'm going to go to jail. It is pretty crazy to think about, like, how we really. you could go to jail for smoking weed. And now you might get on a podcast if you're smoking weed.

You know, there's nothing. And I, you know, and I honestly, it's, it was silly. It was silly to go to almost go to jail for smoking weed. Yeah. Or I would say even selling it, I don't think you should have. I think they should let everybody out who's in there for that. Yes, definitely. And the two times, now that I'm remembering, the two times I bought it,

both times didn't keep and smoke the whole amount because the first time it was way too strong. And I always thought stuff was laced with PCP because I would get too high. So gave most of that away. And then the second time my friend confiscated it because I was paranoid and weird when I got high. So my friend kept it. So I said, give me that. Well, that was convenient. Was that friend a stone or two?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't. I mean, I think it was like you can keep it until the next time we get high. And then whenever it was, he was like, oh, yeah, I don't have it anymore. And I later was like, it's because I would get paranoid. And he didn't want to get high with me.

But yeah, it was fun. I loved it. Even though I would get scared, it was fun. You just reminded me of, and he's passed so I can tell this story. I think it'll be fine. I did a kind of a shitty comedy in Canada called my boss's daughter was an Ashton Cutcher Tara Reed vehicle and Michael Madsen was in the movie too. And Michael Madsen was somebody that there was a real air of menace about him.

Like just going into the makeup trailer, he just had a gravitas of like, oh, this is a guy that, you. This is a guy that, yeah, this is one of his modes of communication is probably punching you in the face, you know, that kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. But he was a sweetheart, you know, I mean, that was just, he had that kind of thing. But he was going back to the U.S. We were in Vancouver and he was going back to the U.S. for a week or two or something like that. And he said to me at one point, he said, hey, listen, I have some weed. Will you hold on to it for me while I'm gone?

And he goes and smoke it, do whatever you want. But, you know, there's some left, whatever, when I get back. And I said, no, no. I said, sure, I'll hold on to it. It's fine. Because I was going to be there through the whole thing. And he had like an assistant who brought it to me and gave me his weed. And I don't think I smoked any of it.

I think I, in fact, I don't, it may not even have left my trailer. I may have just kept it in my trailer. Right. And he came back two weeks later. And he came up behind me. and he grabbed, I didn't know he was there, he grabbed my arm. And he said, where's my fucking weed? Like, really scared the shit out of me.

I was like, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I mean, you didn't, you know, did you smoke it? And I was like, no, no, I got it. And I was like, okay. And I definitely got the feeling that I had made the right choice to just hold on to his weed. Yeah. And not smoke at all.

Yeah. Yeah, I would be, I wouldn't, I would have probably chickened out of even holding it for him. Really? I would, yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm, I mean, I'm so scared of getting in trouble. Yeah, yeah. I mean, even though I just talked about how much I loved smoking weed. Yeah, yeah. But I, like, the thing is, is you could be high and not worry about going to jail. It's the buying and selling part.

Yes, yes. So if, and if someone was asking me to hold it for them, to hold an amount. Maybe it's Vancouver. Was it not illegal there at the time? No, it was illegal. I still believe it. You know, honestly, I don't know. This would have been like 2002 maybe.

So I don't know. I don't know what the legality was up there. I think you might have been able to buy weed legally up there. Or it was just a very benign offense if it was an offense at all. Did you ever see any killer whales when you were in Vancouver? No. No orcas. Okay.

No orcas. just a lot of bald eagles. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah. That's interesting. They love it up there, those bald eagles. Well, our topic today is weird injuries. Do you have any good weird injury stories that you'd be willing to share?

I have two came to mind. I can't vouch for how good they are. One of them is kind of just why I have this band-aid on is I flew too close to the sun with press on nails by using way too much glue. and have now an injured, I don't want to say specifics because it would make me squeamish if someone talked about it, but took them off because one of them got injured while it was on. So every time my thumb touched anything the past three days, it felt like a mild electric shock. So I took it off and sure enough there was a kind of a tear that is in the nail bed, not. And so I did be specific, sorry. And that's why I'm wearing a bandaid. So I got hurt by press on

nails, which is dumb. Because- Screw yourself on that press on nail like it was a grenade. Teenagers wear them successfully. And I just used too much glue and it wrecked my nails. And the other one was a- Now, does that inhibit growth if you're pulling it out at the base of the nail? Like, are you going to have like a weird wiggle in your, you know? No, it's like your nails keep growing under the fake nail, the press on. It's just that because I use too much glue and I hit the thumbnail on something three days ago and it went up and it took some of the nail with it. But it didn't come off.

So I wasn't sure until I took it off. But the other weird injury was in college. and this is embarrassing but I was on like a two or three day run of not having been invited to hang out with anybody and the phone rang and I sprinted to answer it and hit my toe on a table and broke it. Finally somebody.

Yeah. A human voice. So desperate to get a call and broke my toe. Oh, boy. That's funny. That's funny. I had, well, the one that I will tell, and it is intimate, I had a sore on my anus that was not healing. Yeah. And I was thinking, because I've had, you know, you get to in your 40s and all of a sudden you and your friends all start sharing awful, you know, body things. And I had had friends that had anal fissures. Yeah, I've heard of that. Yeah, which is like sort of like, you know, I don't know, I'm not even sure, honestly. Just kind of like a wound on your butthole that won't go away.

I just think it wouldn't go away. Went to a proctologist who I know this is a joke. He was a real asshole. He was just like one of the worst like bedside manner I had ever. And the first thing he said was, well, we got to make sure it's not herpes. I was like, buddy, it's not herpes. I mean, there's nothing going on down there where I would get in herpes. But he made, like, made me go on Valtrex for a week and then come back and see like, oh, there's no change.

It's not herpes. I'm like, yeah, no shit. I told you. I ended up having to get a little bit of like just, they had to sew it up because it wasn't, it wasn't happening. And when I went into surgery for that, it was just like, you know, kind of an outpatient surgery. But after, and they put, it was twilight sleep. And as they, as I came out of the twilight sleep, the nurse told me that as, as after I was out, and they, she said, as, and it was heard that did it. She said, as I spread your butt cheeks, an earthquake occurred. She said it was very, it really felt like, like profound, like the Lord was letting us know that we were about to see a very important asshole.

That is so funny. I love Twilight Sedation. I've only had it twice, but what a dream come true. I'm sober 22 years, so I love talking about getting high because it's been a long time since I've done it. And I don't intend to ever do it again. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Twilight Sedation, you get like a second and a half of the best, happiest feeling you've ever had. And then you wake up and it's done.

You wake up and you're still kind of euphoric. I remember I've taught this before. Conan O'Brien, after his first colonoscopy, woke up and was talking about this sense of warmth and well-being that he was experiencing from this opiate. And I was like, yeah, that's drugs. What you're experiencing is that's what drugs are all about. He's like, oh, okay. Yeah. That's why they're great.

Yeah. They make you feel good, kids. Just remember, kids, drugs make you feel good. Oh, and by the way, the sore on my asshole, it turned out it was a reaction to fleshable wipes. Those sons of bitches. I don't, sorry, I shouldn't. I changed, I changed flushable wipes and everything was fine from then on. I just want the audience to not worry about me or my starfish.

Let's go to the phones. We've got Mary from Everett, Washington. 855-266-2-604 is the number. That's the number that Mary called. Mary, what's up? Hi. Hi, you got me and Martha. We're here to hear your story.

Hi. Okay. Well, should I just go for it? Do it. Okay. So I decided against, I guess, some common sense to make cupcakes for my husband for Valentine's Day, which was kind of a stupid move because he firmly, believes that Valentine's Day is a fabricated holiday.

Yeah, but they're cupcakes. Come on. Yeah, but fuck that guy. He's going to look down his nose of cupcakes. Well, well, yeah. Yeah. Well, so, you know, love makes you do stupid things like baking. Okay.

So I, you know, I thought this would be a really simple gesture of love, but it was more, like, less British bake-off and more emergency room, like domestic. Oh, boy. Yeah. So while I was, you know, testing the frosting for quality control, of course, I was using a hand-held mixer. And in the moment of pure confidence, I thought, well, what if I just stick my finger in there real quick?

But at the same exact time, I accidentally turned the mixer on and then there was this snap. Oh, oh, God. Oh, God. So that was my pinky. And so instead of frosting the cupcakes, I ended up driving myself one-handed to the clinic, the walk-in clinic, and I still had brooding all over me. And, you know, nothing says romance more than explaining to the medical doctor that you lost a fight with a mixer for the man that you love.

Right. So, of course, those cupcakes never got made, but my husband, who was shaken to the core by my, you know, my dedication and guilt and the visible splint on my finger, he took me out to dinner. And to this day, that remains the only time he's ever taken me out on Valentine's Day. Oh, that's nice. I mean, that's nice, but it wouldn't kill him to do it every Valentine's Day. Yeah, I mean, come on. You listen, you got to talk to this fella.

I mean, I'll talk to him as a lot, you know. But you also had, you also had some frosting too. You had, you know, some frosting to gna shan. Yeah, frosting's the best part. And I got frosting. And I got dinner out that one time. And, yeah, so he still remains convinced that, you know, Valentine's Day is a scam, but apparently broken fingers aren't. So, you know, you know, Valentine's Day's coming.

I got lost to fingers. Most of the time, I think that Valentine's Day is a scam thing. It's usually just, it's from cheapskates. I don't know your husband It's probably a cheapscape That's my guess You hit it right on her head Mary, thank you so much for the call

And I hope your finger is not malformed or anything I hope you're pinking normally Okay I'm doing just great I appreciate it Thank you so much for your time Thank you Mary Bye bye Mary

All right next up Michelle Hi Michelle you got Martha and me Hey there Hi. Hi. So in 2015, my husband and I were moving our treadmill down the stairs, and he let it go too soon. I did not get my foot out of the way, and my foot got run over by a treadmill.

Oh. Oh, my gosh. Yes. So I had ligaments and tendon issues and a big nasty bruise, and it was swollen, like, twice. suffice, so I had to wear a boot. But the worst part was later on that week, I was supposed to be the photographer for the Green Bay Packer induction banquet following Brett Favre around. Oh. And so they had a production company that was following him around as well. And so on this episode, which got broadcast nationally, you can see me hobbling.

behind him with my camera and a boot. Oh, that's nice. You're easy to spot, you know, when you've got that footage. Yeah, just super classy, you know. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask, I hope that you got a divorce immediately? No, actually, he was so sweet. He felt so bad.

And it was kind of my photo so for not getting out of the way properly. but, you know, like we hadn't ever moved a treadmill down the stairs before and didn't realize there were wheels on the front of it. But the first day, had a mind of its own. Were you at the bottom of the stairs? You were taking it down? And you were at the bottom of the stairs. And he was at the top. Yeah, because, no, and see, you need to understand that I am kind of the boss.

I'm kind of bossy sometimes. I see. So I'm like, yeah, I can take this down, no problem. And apparently it should have been him. Yeah, but see, the first day of husband school, they teach you when you're taking a treadmill down the basement stairs as the husband, you are at the bottom of the stairs because that's, that's the danger end. Yeah. So he did, yeah, he would have flunked that day of husband school. Yeah. My. He probably would have. But I think the rest of the time he, he was pretty good. I think he, he was pretty good. I think he, he, he would have. learned his lesson. Good, good. Yeah. I mean, not to beat a dead horse, but when my niece and nephew wanted to go down some steep stairs,

I said, you have to go behind me. If you fall on me, it's much better than if I fell on you. And then my niece hypothetically asked, what if we push you down the stairs? Yeah, you always have to factor in evil. There's always a possibility of evil. But you got big bigger person on the bottom. Yeah, yeah. Stairwise.

Yeah. So. Yep. All right, Michelle, thank you for your call. And don't worry about, not about, like, harming Brett Farb's image. That guy's a tool. Yeah. Now, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. But, I mean, this is. Yeah, nobody knew yet. It's like to say, Packers, quarterbacks, they really do. They're very, you're very, you. I think they're great guys. And then all of a sudden you realize, oh, what a fucking dick. I don't know.

That franchise is just good at that. Way to go backers. I guess. Maybe they take a class or something. I guess. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe they get a discount at the quarterback store. Maybe.

All right. Thanks, Michelle. Thanks, Michelle. Yep, bye-bye. So four is the number. If you got a weird injury story, Tim from Michigan has a weird injury story for us, don't you, Tim? I kind of do.

First off, I just want to say, it's great joy to speak with you, Andy. Oh, thank you, Tim. Huge fan. And also, sorry about your anal scissors, and I agree with you on the Packers. Thank you. Thank you. But this, I want to say,

I just want to say I'm 56 years old right now. Okay. The story goes back to like when I was 19 and I first moved out of my parents' house. I had, you know, apartment that I shared with my brother. And that was like the, and I'll just have to say, like, I had a lot of girls come over and visit me during this time. Sure. I was in my prime.

I'm 30 years past my prime now. But, anyway, this one particular night, I kind of became intimate with this one girl who, and I want to say, like, she always, like, had a crush on my brother, but my brother was with someone else and just always turned her down. But she end up, we end up together. Okay, sure. And it was very aggressive. Like, I think she was, like, taking out her anger. like, I can't do your brother, so I'm going to do you.

Yes. But she was like, all right, so she was like on top of me. Mm-hmm. And coming, you know, it was like, you know, the, you know, the, you know, a little cowgirl position, whatever. Sure, sure. No, we're familiar. And it was, yes. But it was very aggressive.

It was very hard. Yes. And at one point, like, she missed. and yeah my stuff didn't go into her stuff the way it should she overshot the stroke yeah got it yeah it was off the side and just immediately I felt the worst pain ever and I just I had to stop it oh I just but um yeah so it's anyway the yeah so that's what happened and what I mean you weren't you it wasn't like one of, because I have heard stories of, of actual sort of like, I mean, I, you know, getting your dick broke, basically that it, there is, there's a possibility in very

vigorous sex for it there to be sort of like damage to the tissue that, you know, the erectile tissue. You, we're not talking about that. We're just talking about like garden variety game injury. No, well, I'm going in like, like the, uh, The next day I, you know, went to my mom's house and she saw me limping. I was in total pain. Yeah. Like, she saw limping. It's like, well, what did you do?

I was like, I don't know. Again, I was like 19. I couldn't think of any lie on the spot. So I had to tell her. It's like, mom, this is what happened. Yeah. And of course, at the time, I didn't have, you know, insurance on my own or any money. Right.

Like, so again, I had to tell her. Like, I think I need to see a doctor. Yeah, yeah, sure. I don't remember all the medical terms, but yes, I ended up with a broken dick. And ever since then, I never used to have a curve. But ever since then, it's like curve to the right. There's some visual interest now. And it's still there.

Oh, my goodness. Well, was there any, did the doctor, did their doctor do anything? Or is he just saying, one of the things that go, well, there's nothing you can do. Yeah, that's, yeah, that was pretty much it. Wow. Yeah, this happened. Right. Just live with it.

I don't know, just, I don't know, just heal on its own, I guess. Yeah. But, yeah, I can't. Well, I didn't, they didn't put me in a splint or anything. Right. Of course not. No, how can you do that? But.

Yeah, but you've, it's a wonderful, it's a wonderful conversation start. her. See that curve? Well, and did you ever tell your brother? Because it's pretty much his fault. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You ruined my dick. God damn it. She was like, she was, you know, rage aft me. Yeah, yeah. Well, that can, you know, that has its time and place, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. All right, well, Tim, I hope that you and your curved dick have a lovely 2026. All right. Take care, Tim. All right. Thanks a lot, Tim. I appreciate it. Thanks for the call.

Oh, boy. It happens. I'm very uncomfortable. I should have told you ahead of time. I'm an extreme prude. I don't want to hear about a... Broken dicks? Well, also, I got the feeling he didn't really consider me a person who was present.

So I was like, well, all right. Okay. I'm not that sad to hear you got your dick broke, buddy. All right. Sounds like maybe a guy who thinks women aren't people. Very fair. Very fair. All right.

Well, let's go to Helen. Helen from California. Hi, Helen. How are you? Hi. I'm good. Hi, Martha. There's Martha.

Hi, Helen, thank God. Thank God my friend Helen is calling. Yes. Yeah, this is kind of hard to go after that last guy, but nonetheless, I don't know if you remember a show called Circus of the Stars. Of course I do. They had all. Yes. Yes.

They had William Shatner, you know, Mario Lopez and everything. Yeah, it was like dancing with the stars, but it was circus stuff. Like trapeze kind of things. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. And I was about four years old and I was watching it in front of the TV. My grandma was sitting there. And someone did a straight jacket act.

You don't remember what celebrity it was? No. It was like Robert Blake or somebody. Phil Specter. You know, obviously they made an impression on me. I'm like, that looks interesting. So I got my little jacket. I put it on top of myself.

I was just laying down. And I started pulling out my arms, pulling out my arms. I pulled my arm out of the socket. Oh, my gosh. How did you get it tied up? You know, because it kind of has to be tied around you. Or were you just like laying on the sleeves? I was just laying on the sleeves.

I see. Kind of pretending, you know, they tell you not to do. Right. And so, yeah. I got up and I showed my grandma my arm. I didn't feel any pain, so I will say that. And she touched it, looked horrified, and then I passed out. Oh, my God.

Now did she take you to the ER and they pop up? it back in or did she do it, you know, farm style and just do it herself? No, I guess she called my parents and they took me to the ER. I remember just like almost out of body. Like the blue people came and everything because I was four years old. Yeah, yeah. And so they did, they used books and they just popped it in because, you know, 80s. What do you mean books?

And like they used like some big books. I remember being on the table and they had big books and they applied pressure to put the socket back in. Oh, wow, using books. That's interesting. Yeah. Good Lord. That's what it was. Yeah.

I was like, like I said, the 80s. It was a different time. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, Harry Houdini, the famous magician, and I think this is also a lot of magicians that would do that trick. That was the secret to it. was that they would, Harry Houdini had the ability to dislocate and then relocate his own shoulders,

and that's how he would get out of, out of the straitjacket, because that was one of his standard bits. I have to say, you were on your way to a, a magic career. And what were you going to say, I just want to say,

hats off to you, Helen, for being that ambitious at four that you were already trying to get in on the circus. Yeah, yeah. That is really, impressive for a four-year-old. Right. So.

I was a special child. Yeah. But the worst part of this whole ordeal was that is a common injury, unfortunately, in child abuse cases. So they called CPS on my parents. Oh, no. Oh, boy. Well, do you at least get to visit your parents in jail?

Yeah. How are your foster parents? Are you close to them? Luckily, I think things got sorted out. Yeah. And I was able to go home. No, that's standard when you got a kid and there's certain injuries and they send somebody to talk to you if like head injuries and things like that, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank God they do. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, thank God someone's doing something. Yes. I'm just glad that you didn't like, you know, that it wasn't sort of like, I don't know, you know, Penny Marshall doing sword swallowing that you took a shine to. It could have been another career. Yeah.

Flame eating. Yeah. I just, I'm glad it was at least that, just a dislocated arm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. It was, yeah, the beginning of my adventures. But, hey, it was a, it's a story. All right.

It's a great story. Well, thank you, Helen. Thank you. All right. Be careful out there. Things happen on TV. They're by trained professionals. Yeah.

I miss Circuits of the Stars and Battle of the Network Stars. Battle the Network Stars was a can't miss in our house. It was wild. It was wild. The TV of the 70s and early 80s was some of the wildest TV. And those, I've watched some of, For people that are too young to know, Battle of the Network Stars was basically athletic competition between network stars. Like different, you know, although sometimes they were like football players and stuff.

Yeah. They wouldn't get to do, you know, they would do things that were out of their normal sort of realm of expertise. But, you know, you'd see like Bert Conby throwing a javelin and stuff like that. It was amazing. And it, but to watch it now, especially, like, first of all, like, what was considered athletic clothing is fantastic. Yeah. And then it's just these, it must have been such a bizarre set because it really,

there's like everybody from ABC and everybody from NBC like their entire prime time lineups standing out there made up, but also doing the steeple chase, you know. Right. And there would always Barbie Benton, I think. think was usually doing it, even though I don't know that she ever did anything but the love boat and Fantasy Island. And I'm not slamming her. I love her. Yeah, yeah. And then the, there were these two blonde sisters, Audrey. Oh yeah. And somebody else. And they were also always on Love Boat and Fantasy Island. Audrey, I don't remember. And they would do Battle of the

network stars. Yeah, yeah. Those are magic times. They were magic times. And also, too, there was like, there was just this pool of people. Like, like you say Barbie Benton. Like I know, oh yeah, Barbie Benton, I know who that is. But I don't know that she was ever a series regular on anything. No. She just was on all. There were so many shows that needed a Barbie Benton.

Yeah, she was, I think that she had been in Playboy. She was super pretty and very likable. Yes. And bucks them. Yes, very pretty great figure, very likable. and natural on camera. People were like, get her on the love boat.

Get her on this boat. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. Get her on fantasy island. Get her on, you know. Get her opposite Mr. Rourke. Stuck in a tree and on emergency, they can get her down, you know, things like that.

And it was Judy and Audrey Landers. Landers, the Landers sisters. Yeah. And they too were very sort of va, blah, va, va, boom. Yes, very pretty, great figures and very likable. and natural.

And it was just like, we got to, we got to see these ladies on, you know, I think that they were on like chips. They would guest star on chips and all those great shows. When you were saying they were on, I was thinking you were going for the athletic thing. And I was, I was thinking trampoline. And I bet you that they probably took a Barbie Benton or a Lander sister and put them on a trampoline in some way. I'm sure they did. I'm vaguely imagining them playing like baseball because of, at the time, dolphin shorts and tank tops were considered athletic gear.

That's right. And Nehawas and lots of hairspray too. Yeah. And it was just like running the bases and who knows what. But God bless them. God bless them. We need more of that. I would do, well, you know, I would, that would be fun.

I'd do some sort of network stars thing. Yeah. First, I need a network job, though, and then I would do it. I would love to get a network job only for the purpose of playing softball with other network stars. We have an important update, apparently. Cindy from Philadelphia, my note here says she wants to give Andy more information on his wife's comment. Wow. This is exciting to me because it's about me.

Cindy. Hi. Hi. I would love to know what information you have for me. Well, I heard the comment about the wipes and having to change to a different, I'm assuming a different brand. Yes. But they now make, they now make lotion for the wipes instead of whites. What do you mean?

It's called wiping lotion. Wiping lotion. You can order it on. And you use it with toilet paper? Is this upsetting to you, Martha? Is this going to be okay? Put a few drops on the toilet paper and wipe away and you don't have to worry about running out of life. Oh, not bad.

I am like my dad who used to be, he's been gone a few years. I miss him terribly, but he used to get infuriated at the Charmin Bear commercials because they would have toilet paper. Pieces of toilet paper. And he just, it would infuriate him like, why can't we get? back to when we pretended toilet paper was just for squeezing and holding against your face. The Sharman commercials. I think the holding against your face is worse. The fact that it's somehow fetishized into being like, oh, I got to get this stuff up by my face.

But those commercials were on when I was a kid. So I really thought, because when you're a kid, you take everything literally, I really thought that women, housewives, as they were called at the time, were going to grocery stores, just to squeeze packages of toilet paper and hold the paper, the tissue to their face and go, oh, my God, it's so soft. I love it. I had no idea that there were any other underlying messages happening. And that is like the behavior of a Valium addict.

Like, just like, ah, I just go bliss out in the store and hug toilet tissue. And that guy, I forget his name, but the. grocery store. Mr. Whipple. Mr. Whipple was losing his mind trying to prevent them. Because everybody was squeezing the sherman. And it drove him insane and I still don't know why because it does not harm toilet paper to squeeze it. But it drove him crazy. Well, that's good to hear about the, I don't, I mean, I honestly, I don't think I'll be, the notion of having a lotion. Oh, look at that. The rhyme. I don't think that that's something I'll ever get really behind. Look at me.

Boy, I'm like a bad joke writer and I can't even stop myself. But I appreciate the information. And by the way, what I did is I switched to, there's a specific preparation H wipes, which use witch hazel. And that's what I've switched to. And I'm a stalwart. And I also have a,

Oh, very good. We also have a to-to toilet seats. We have the bidet toilet seats, which are not foolproof, but they certainly, they get you most of the way to the finish line. I like to just pretend that going to the bathroom isn't even something that it says. My wife is sort of like that. And I love it. Yeah, my wife is really happy. My wife is not approved, but that is something definitely.

Because I grew up in a household with that we may as well have not had doors on the bathrooms. Yeah. Like just we just were an open bathroom doorhouse. And that's just, that's a differentiation between families. But my wife definitely, there's no sort of no, just like, nope, I don't want to know anything about it. If I burp in another room, she'll be like, come on. Okay. But I have to say, I think burps and farts are funny because they are noisy.

And I think noise makers of all kinds are funny. All right. I mean, some might call you, you know, half a hypocrite for that. Yeah. You don't want to know about the real deal, but, you know, but all of the noise accompanying it, you're all there for it. I mean, there's a, there's a. That's like being pro-smoke and anti-fire, Martha. Well, that is true.

I am a hypocrite because there is a, you made me remember, there's a meme on social media video of someone in a bathroom stall. And the audio, it goes, and then it goes into the Chris Isaac song I don't want to fall in love and I've shown that to so many people and so many people refuse to be delighted by it the way that I am. It's pretty good.

It is really wonderful and nobody, not enough people care. Not enough people respect that art, but. No, no, I'm all for, you know, I mean, you know, not an overabundance of, of fart humor, but like there's a good one. It was some soccer guy telling a story about using a unisex bathroom and being in a stall and letting a loud one rip and then hearing a woman's voice from the next all over go,

Maureen, is that you? That's pretty fantastic, you know. That is really funny. I would love if there were no unisex bathroom. Not even because of the stalls, but because of the sink and mirror. Like bathroom mirrors are a big thing for women in public restrooms. Yeah. Almost a communal thing, whereas guys, you don't want to be checking your lipstick in front of guys.

Yeah, you don't want to have the hood up while you're checking the engine. Exactly. Get out of here. Right. No, all right. All right. I'll take that in mind. I will shield my eyes next time I'm in a unisex bathroom.

There's not that many unisex bathrooms. They tried to make it more popular. I would love it if we just stopped harassing trans people and let them use whatever back in they want. That's the other thing. Who gives a shit? Let them use whatever, let them be whatever they want, let them use whatever they want and just cut it out. I'm sorry to have been political.

No, it's all right. It's the billionaires. They're the ones that are causing all the troubles. Agreed. Cindy, I know this really got off the rails from your initial very. very helpful wipe lotion information. But that's the way it is around here. Yes, that happens.

Thank you. Have you used this lotion, if I may get the train back on its intended track? I have. It works very well. It works very well. And you also, the nice thing about it, I guess, too, is that you avoid that whole notion of flushability, which is a lie. Yeah, that's what I've heard. There's no such thing as a flushable way.

That's what I've heard. Yeah. That's true. That's right. And it does get rid of the worries about clogging the pipes. Yes, yes. Well, you just don't, you don't flush them. That's the thing. You get a little trash can there and that's your dirty little secret can. Yeah, I've never, I have no idea what you're talking about and I never will. I'm sorry, Cindy. We got to move on. Martha, Martha's going to faint. All right. Thank you, Cindy. You're welcome. Have a good day. Thank you, too.

855-266-2-604 is the number. Please keep it less body-oriented, folks. Martha's getting the vapors. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being prude. I'm not judging anyone. I'm just squeamish. It's just, yeah, it's her thing.

She's not judging you. Sorry. She's just going to fall. And we have kind of high chairs here, so I'm worried about liability. So I might think. I mean, honestly, you can tell us whatever you want. I can handle it. I can totally handle it.

I'm a real fucking macho dude when it comes to poo talk. Gabrielle from Boston. Martha and I are here. What's up? Hey, people's princess. Oh, hi there. I am benevolent. Well, I thank you for having me your benevolence.

Smith. I was attacked by an owl when I was about 10 or 11. Wow. Oh, my God. Tell us. So I don't know if you've ever been up in the New England area, but there are a lot of random events that will have like, here are some rescue animals. Here are some birds that can't be released into the wild.

We're taking care of them and it's very educational. Yes. So my parents thought it would be a good idea. Take me to this place. See these birds. Oh, this is a bald eagle. This is an owl. Cool.

Well, one of the owls thought, must have thought that I was a rabbit or a squirrel. My hair cut at the time, lent myself to some kind of rodent. Owl, it was a barred owl, if you want to look it up, decided. A barn owl? Was that B-A-R-N, barn owl? B-A-R-R-E-D? Oh. Very beautiful animals.

Okay. But this owl decided to attack my head. I didn't know what was happening. I thought like a frisbee or some kid, I kicked a ball at my head. No, until it started yelling in my ear. The handler was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Forget what the name of the owl was, but it was like, Steve, stop it.

Yeah, yeah. And contained Steve, but I ended up with a big old scratch on my shoulder. So have a bit of a score And whenever I see people Playing Frisbee in the park I am like, oh my God, is that an owl? Am I going to get body slammed by an owl? But it happened again

So I think I was a little bit lucky. Was it talons and beak or just talons? Oh, it was just talons. The boot was consumed by screaming and letting everyone know, hey, look at this kid getting mauled by an animal. Sure, sure. You know, it wasn't his fault.

It wasn't the best haircut. But I get it, you know, my vision isn't great either. If I were hungry, I would have done it too if I were an owl. So no harm, no, no hard feelings to the owl. Is there a chance that there was a mouse in your hair? You know? Like there was sort of a proto-ratatouille going on. I was the original ratatouille.

That's actually what I was telling you about. My last one was in Greenie. And I'm not very good at cooking, but. Yeah, Pixar has a lot of feet there. I had a mouse that would control me at educational events. Yeah, and her name was Emma. Oh, yeah, that's nice. All right, Gabrielle, well, thank you.

I'm sorry about your scars, but you, you know, but again, fantastic conversation piece. And I love that sounds like the owl is just doing a triumphant screech to let everyone know I'm about to catch something for you. I got a-performing. I got a girl. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thanks so much.

That owl is on a podcast now telling the story about me. So thank you. Thank you, Gabrielle. All right. Next up, we got Drew. Drew, what's up? Hey, how you guys doing? Good.

Good. You got Martha and me here. Tell us about your weird injury. Well, spoiler alert, it wasn't actually an injury. It was just an accident that could have turned out very, very badly. Oh, I can't. Good thing we have low standards. You can go ahead and tell it.

In 1988, we had bought our first house, my ex and I. and I was I was somewhere around 35ish, but maybe pushing 40. And I had a sketchy brother-in-law who offered to help me with the gutters on our house. It was like a shotgun row house. Installing them? Replacing them. So we had what are called box gutters and the estimate to fix those. It was like really expensive.

And he said, well, I can help you. We can tear those off and put on regular gutters. And I said, sure. So we rented these scaffoldings. It was a two-story house and was kind of raised up on a, kind of on a hill a bit. So we were really up there. And we actually completed all of the main gutters. And then there was some additional work we were doing around the front of the house.

on this porch. And the porch was raised up. You had to walk about six or seven steps up to the porch from the sidewalk. And then the street was a few feet even below that. And he built a temporary scaffolding that was even with the railing of the porch so that I could get up and paint and cock and things like that. I think we painted the porch too. And he was pretty much done with everything that he was helping me with.

And it was kind of the last kind of thing. And this had taken us a long time. And so that little temporary scaffolding had been up there for a couple of months. And I'm up there. And I was literally just saying, did I miss anything? Is there anything else I need to do? And it's like, oh, here's this little thing. So I'm reaching above my head.

towards the end of this little temporary scaffolding that's the very front of the house. And suddenly it gave way, I think he had used decking screws or something to build this. It gave way my feet slit tilted towards the house and kind of got in between the railing of the porch and that scaffolding,

which didn't completely fall off. off. It was kind of still there. But I fell back and my knees bent the correct way and I'm hanging about three or four feet above the ground upside down, just dangling by my ankles. Oh. And I was, you know, it was like this moment of terror. And then I realized they don't seem to be hurt, nothing hurts. It's like, how am I going to get out of this? Because if it gives way even further, I'm going to, you know, land on your head is like four feet above the ground.

Right, right. And, and I look around and there's this guy unloading his, the trunk of his car about, I don't know, 30 feet away, like a house or so away. Mm-hmm. And I don't think he saw me. And I kind of looked and I saw that he wasn't seeing me. And I said, hey, hey. I'm your new neighbor.

A little help here. I'd like to introduce myself. Hi, I'm Drew. A little help here. And he like puts down whatever it was that he was, you know, dealing with in his truck. Yeah. And he starts shambling. Is that the right word?

Sure. He just starts strolling on over. Towards me. Yeah. And in that moment, I was pissed. It's like, what the hell is wrong with this guy? I'm in danger of breaking my neck. Yeah.

And I said, I can't remember what I said. It was like, you know, like, could you help? Hurry up. And hurry, hurry, hurry. I probably yelled something. And he kind of started, you know, and he kind of started, you know, and he comes up to me and he just says, what do you want me to do? And I'm like, I was just fearful that it was just going to break loose all of a sudden

while he was standing there. I said, just break me, you know, just grab me. and he grabbed me and kind of lifted a little bit. My foot popped out. And it was like a counterweight, the way my weight was, the way he was holding me. I just flipped around and landed on my feet. Oh. And I'm standing there and I'm like, he just sees what I'm okay.

And he just walked, he just turns and shambles on home. Yeah. scrambled on home and I'm standing there and I can't believe that I wasn't like my ankle didn't break or my shin didn't break or something like that this reminds me of the same sorry go ahead I'm just going to say later on I uh I uh bumped into the the brother-in-law and I told him what happened and he goes well dude it wasn't meant to stay up there for two months I mean that was kind of the end of its lifetime. Not my fault, he's saying.

Well, that's what brother-in-law's do. This is a lot like the scene from Urban Cowboy when John Travolta's character is at the refinery and he slips and he's hanging by his ankles. It's very dramatic. It is the beginning of the end or the temporary end of his relationship with Denver Winger. It's the, uh, he, He's injured but doesn't die, but almost dies.

Terrifying goes home. They get in a mild argument. Then they go dancing to reconnect. She rides the bowl. Mickey Gilly is there. Mickey Gilly. It's such a, I'm sorry, I know, but it's a great soundtrack. It's not, I saw.

I love the movie. I was too young. Our parents took us to see it in a driveway, in a driveway in a drive-in, I think I was like 10 or 11, so it very much gave me the wrong impression of what love was like because essentially John Travolta's character is the good guy because he at the end says, I'm sorry about all the times I hit you.

They were different times. Yeah, because the other guy hit her more and never said sorry. So clearly the... That's not culture. Yeah, but God, what a great soundtrack and a riveting. It is a great movie. I haven't seen it in ages. That's so good.

Well, Drew, thank you for your call. And I'm glad that you're safe. Yes. Oh, thank you. All right. Talk to you later. Bye, Drew. Well, that's our show.

We did it. We did it. We usually pick a favorite. We've got them listed up there. I think I'm a little parcel to the owl attack. That's exciting. Yeah, I loved it too. I couldn't get a read on how Gabrielle felt about me, and that's always my primary concern.

Wow, Martha. Yeah, it's only that. That's all I care about. Did that call her like me? If not, I hope they burn in hell. Wow. Wow. You seem so mild-mannered.

But really, you are old testament. I take everything personally. I'll never get over. What's his name? Tim from Michigan and his penile injury? I'll go to my grave hoping for him to have a bad day. That's a little, again, a little punitive. I just want him to have one bad day and at the end of it to go, you know, I should have been nicer to that lady.

Yeah, that lady, that woman on her. Just one bad day and nothing tragic. Just one day where everything feels like a roadblock. Right. And at the end of it, he goes, you know, I could have been nicer to that one lady. I could have curved the other way and been just nicer. Yeah, and I'll ruminate on that till I die. Oh.

Lucky you. Martha Kelly, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Everybody look for her on Season 3 of Euphoria. And are you on the new season of Fallout? The current one going, yes. Nice. And can I also plug Carol and the End of the World on Netflix, an animated show?

Carol and the end of the world on Netflix. Thank you all for being here. We're going to be back next week. We're going to talk bad breakups next week. Leave us a voicemail at 855-266-2604. If you got a bad breakup story or fill out the Google form in my social media bios, any of them, with your story. Appreciate you being here. We'll be here next week.

Thank you, Martha. Thanks, Sandy. Via condios, my children.