The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Mary Lynn Rajskub: Teen Party Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: June 27, 2025

Actor and comedian Mary Lynn Rajskub joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your TEEN PARTY STORIES! Some of these ragers sound like they could be straight out of a movie—hard to believe some of you actually became well-adjusted adults! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss!This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hello! What up, call-ins? It's the Andy Richter call-in show. I'm Andy Richter. We're back yet again to take your calls. It's the Andy Richter call-in show. I'm Andy Richter. We're back yet again to take your calls.

Today's topic is teenage partying man, high school partying. I guess if you dropped out and had a good party, you could still call us if you want. Our number is 855- We're taking dropouts? We could take dropouts. Okay. Okay. I just have to adjust myself emotionally. Right, right, right. You have to rethink your angle,

how you're gaining at this. 855-266-2604 is our number. If you got a good story, give us a ring. And that voice you heard, that beautiful angelic voice you heard, was Marilyn Reichkub. Hi. Hi.

You know, if you've made it through high school, if you've dropped out of high school, if you're underage, if you're of age. Right. If you're 14 and you have a good party story, call in. I don't give a shit. Call in. Adult, not adult, it doesn't matter. I just got off the phone with a friend of mine who said he had the best massage of his life,

and he said it was hard to find one that didn't offer a handy. Is it too early in the show to go there? That is not a teenage party, as far as I'm concerned. I hung up and I was like, what? Hard to find. He's deep in the valley, but I was like, how do they? It kind of blew my mind. He goes, yeah, it's deep in the valley, but I was like, how do they, it kind of blew my mind. He goes, yeah, it's in the reviews.

It is? Like the reviews say, by the way, they will jerk you off at the end? The reviews that he quoted was guys going, I'm just looking for a massage. Listen, he must be just going to like storefronts, you know? Like there are legit places. Hey, the valley gets weird. Yeah, wow. Listen, he must be just going to like storefronts, you know? Like there are legit places.

Hey, the Valley gets weird. Yeah, wow. No, that's what I'm saying. That I don't know if I've really, well I'm a lady, but I don't know if I've been offered. I had never felt that there was a hand job lingering in the air. Thank you.

Whenever I've gotten a massage. I don't know how I jumped from teen parties to this. Well, it just happened. It's obviously upset you and you needed to get it off your chest. It's a kind of a party. It is. It is. But that's not what we're talking about. No, not at all. That was too much. That was too much.

And right now I'm going to talk about you just because they wrote this thing up and I better read it. You know Mary Lynn, she's an actress, a very, very funny comedian. She was a comedian before she was an actress. But now she doesn't know what she is. She does not know. She does not know. But you've seen her in 24, It's Always Sunny, Mr. Show, Dinner in America, and much more.

And you can currently see her in the Netflix comedy series North of North. There's an exclamation point out of it. Is there an exclamation point in the show? No, but there should be. Give a raise to whoever put it on there. No, it's just this. These notes are written by a 12-year-old girl,

and she's very energetic. She puts hearts over the... She does. She does, yeah. It's mostly emojis. There was very few words in there. I just was reading emojis. Well was very few words in there. I just was reading emojis.

Well, how's things? What's up, man? Yeah, I just saw you not too long ago. You were on my podcast, The Three Questions, and we had a lovely time, and you brought your beautiful dog. He's a good boy. Oh, I tried to manhandle, and he got a little bit. Yeah.

He got a little crabby with me. Did he? Yeah, yeah. But it was just, I was trying to turn him around to get a photo. And he was like, you're not my dad. Yeah. He said, don't turn me around for a photo. Yeah. I mean, I don't feel like he was going to bite me, but he definitely kind of was like, no, stop it. And you wouldn't know it to look at him because he was chill. But I think he was on a high alert

because that was a new, he's never been in a, like an office in that atmosphere before. Which is good for him, so thank you for allowing the socialization. He should get a job. He needs to. He needs to get a job, an office job, he'd be great. In this economy?

Yes. In the way Hollywood is now? No more freeloaders, canine or otherwise. If you're a pet, you have no excuse to not have a job in Hollywood. No shit, absolutely. Come on. Absolutely.

Use your natural talent, your natural charm, and get it done. If my dogs wanted to get an OnlyFans, I would not. That'd be fine with me. Oh, that's a good idea. Dog OnlyFans? That's gotta be done already. I haven't been on there. No, I've never.

Yeah, I'm of an age where I just skip by certain things and then it's too much work. It's like, oh, I don't want to sign up to go... For me, to go on OnlyFans would be something to jerk off to. And holy moly, there's a lot of free stuff to jerk off to. Yes. I don't know if I've overshared with you. No, you're just stating the facts, but you are making eye contact with me

in a way that makes it seem like an overshare. Right. But it really was just- If you want, I can squeeze your arm too hard. Oh. Ow, ow, ow. Chinese. No, but I mean, it is.

It's like, I don't understand. I don't know. That's a good point. I didn't just pay for sexual content. I know it happens, and I know there's lots of people that do it. I mean, that makes me like it better in a way, because I've run into those, you know, 20-somethings who are like, yeah, that's what I do.

And it's just a way of life now. And in that sense, it's like, well, good for you for making your own money, doing something that you can get for free. Right. Well, and yeah, and that they're, no, they're doing, they're providing a service and there are people that want that service.

And on their own terms. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No. We should get on OnlyFans. I mean, not like that, but we should use that. Do an investigative. We should pay for it because I think we've determined that it's a good thing. Right, right. For the free market. I don't know, I just got really tired. Trying to understand the meaning of OnlyFans. And also just, it makes me tired thinking of like being on OnlyFans and having to worry about that.

Like, oh god, I don't want anyone to look at me ever. Oh my gosh. If I could go through the rest of my life with no one ever looking at me, oh, it'd be great. That's what I feel like too. But here I am, through the rest of my life with no one ever looking at me, oh, it'd be great. That's what I feel like too. But here I am, posting the selfies. Right. And being on stage and other things. Yeah.

It's a very common thing that people don't understand, like how you can kind of be in front of people for a living, but really not enjoy being in front of people, or just kind of being ambivalent about it, you know? But it's, you know, I simply am that way. It's a really big transition for me ever to leave the house and see anyone or talk to anyone. Has it always been like that or is it just...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes it's a little touch and go, you know? That happened to me the other night, I was at the ice house and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like I encountered a human and I got a warm into it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And because I'm a professional,

I can turn it on and go on stage. Right. But I noted in myself, oh, you weren't ready to speak to a human. Absolutely. It still happens. And especially if it's a person like I was somewhere recently. It was like a charity thing.

And one of the people working on the charity was my friend's ex-wife, whom I hadn't seen in a long time. And seeing her and her saying, hey, it's me, and me then going, oh my God, it's you, hi. It was way too awkward that I made it way too awkward where I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, hello, hi, you know? Like, and I just felt like such an idiot, but I just, I just ran away.

I was like, oh, good to see you, how's things going? Okay, bye. That's really interesting, because you're bringing into question or the topic of like your internal monologue or how you felt, you didn't put on your like person clothes yet. No, not at all.

And also it was a surprise dip into the topic of divorce, which you know, like I have plenty of experience in So it was a surprise dip into the topic of divorce. Yeah. Which, you know, like I have plenty of experience in and it's not a fun topic, you know. We should talk about this more as people. Who are these maniacs that just go around at talking about everything easily? I don't know. Because you're right. Things are sensitive.

You got to come to terms with your inner monologue before you go out into the world. And put the thing on. People should text you before they see you. Like if they see you from across the room, text you, let you know, I'm here, get ready. Wait, did she bring up the topic or you were just, that just triggered you seeing her? No, she just said, hey. And you weren't ready.

Hey, Andy, it's me. And my name, and I was like, you know, and I, my name, you know, name, and I was like, you know, it took like a couple seconds to register cause it's like, you know, a face I haven't seen in a few years. And then like the name and then like, oh, you know, that's who you are.

And then was just like, oh, you're crazy. And maybe you were partly to still picturing them together. Well, and also to walking into a charity event where I'm going to be performing and I don't know anyone and I'm meeting five people all at once. And one of them is, you know, somebody's friend. Yeah, that's the main part of the component of like,

I'm going to perform, but now I've also got to be this person in this space. Yes. Yeah. So, person in this space. Yes, yeah. So, well, teenage parties. Yes. You grew up- This is where you learn to be social. Yeah, you grew up in the Midwest, right?

Yes. Was it Ohio? Michigan. Michigan, Michigan, that's right. And were you a big teen partier? I was a weirdo. Yeah. And- I believe you. Youo. Yeah. And I believe you.

You do? Yeah. So I kind of was able to not be that much of a weirdo. So I think I went to a few parties, but I just missed the whole curve of like, speaking of social, it's like, what's everybody doing? Like just that high energy beer and camaraderie. I never understood that.

It never felt organic. It was like a put on. Yeah, yeah. By weirdo, what do you, like what were other kids, like what do you think other kids thought of you? I think I got by. I think I was, they just thought I was. Shy?

Yeah, shy or unique or maybe a little bit odd. Did they know you were funny? Or were you too shy to be funny? I think I was a little bit goofy at times. I don't think I was funny like, oh, is she witty? It wasn't like that because I was too freaked out by everything. And acting was definitely an outlet

to express myself in any way that I... Acting was safe and felt safe and normal for me. So that's all I wanted to do even in high school. But I mean, I had friends and everything. It was just... Yeah, I was probably more, just a little awkward. Yeah, yeah. Nothing...

So no big exciting party stories? I mean, I remember one time going, I was on the swim team. Is that the most awkward of sports? No, I don't think so. It's very, you know. What would you say is the most awkward sport? The most awkward sport.

Swimming's maybe in the middle somewhere. Yeah, no, I think like volleyball. Really? Yeah, maybe. Although you know what, there's like bowling teams too. Yeah. Like it could be bowling or golf, you know. Chess.

Yeah, yeah. That's something else. Yeah. Badminton. Yeah, yeah. Badminton, I don't even know, is there high schools that have badminton? I don't know. I went to a swim team end of the year party and people were, and it was really at that juncture where you're,

okay, I don't know anything about this. I drank beer way too fast and then someone gave me a hit of pot, and I hadn't done that either. I just was sick for the rest of the night. Like laying on the couch with a trash bag. Like throwing up into a trash bag? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Ridiculous. That's terrible. Like throwing up into a trash bag? Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Ridiculous. That's terrible. Ridiculous. That's terrible, yeah. I can remember there was a ping pong table, and there was that window where it was fun for about 10 minutes. And kind of trying to focus on the ping pong table, and everything just multiplying and being blurry.

And then it was over, and everybody made fun of me after that. Yeah, we had, I grew up in a kind of rural town in Yorkville, or in Illinois called Yorkville, and there was a fair amount of beer drinking, lots of older brothers that could buy beer for people. And they used to have what they called road parties, which was basically, because it's all corn and bean fields.

Drive out to the middle of nowhere and then just sit on the side of a, you know, unused, like a very lightly used road, open up the trunk of your GTO and with the big speakers that hooked in. I mean, that equally sounds really fun, but it also sounds harrowing if you're at the whim of whatever social hierarchy or whatever people are just out there at the back. What if they're jerks? It really was all like, it was just a row of cars. So it's like there's not, you know.

It's kind of fun though, isn't it? You just walk from car to car? Yeah, I never enjoyed it that much. But I mean, it wasn't really like my scene either. I never had a car of my own. My older brother, we had a car that we shared. And so when he was home, he kind of drove it more. But like I never, I would go with him.

And because he was three years older, so I was tagging along with him. So you kind of didn't fit in easily with, you weren't going up to the people going, hey, what's up? Yeah, no, I didn't do that. But everybody kind of knew me and I did get along well with the older kids,

you know, like, cause I'm very sophisticated. Always have been. You are. You are. Um, but, but then, yeah, we, but my, and my parents were like the parent, my stepfather and my mother were the kind of parents who would be like, you know, you can drink at our house, but give us your car keys, and you have to pass our incredibly strict sobriety test

before we give you your keys and let you drive home. And kids could sleep over if they wanted. But my parents were, because my mother grew up in an era where they didn't even drink beer. She used to have afterschool parties in high school where they drink mixed drinks, like, you know, Manhattans and stuff.

Like they didn't drink beer. They made like in Springfield, Illinois. She went to high school in Springfield, Illinois because my grandpa was in the governor's cabinet. He was in charge of the Department of Conservation. So they lived in this little house that was on the Illinois State Fairgrounds land and kids would go over there and they'd party.

I wanna go to that party. Sounds pretty fun. Cocktails. Cigarettes, cocktails, four o'clock in the afternoon. And when my grandmother would come home, they'd all dump their drinks into the fish tank. Oh no. And my grandparents could never figure out why the fish kept dying.

It's like, cause they're getting Manhatens poured in there. Oh, that took a turn. The story took a turn. Yeah, yeah. As you know. They're fish, you know? Did you drink at the car? What's it called?

Yeah, yeah. I drank beer, yeah. We would drink whatever cheap beer was available. I didn't drink hard liquor. But I mean, there was a couple of, there was a couple times where I drank, you know, like got sick drinking. One of them was my own high school graduation party. And, and I woke up, I woke up to the side of my bed covered in vomit, and looked out the window and saw because we have a big open, it used

to be a farm so that we had a big three car garage that was where the barn was and then a big open space like you have in a farm that was black topped and kids started breaking bottles so I woke up and looked out my bedroom window and saw my dad who didn't live there, he had come up just for my graduation and my little brother who's nine years younger than me. So he was like eight push using a push broom to sweep up broken glass and, you know, just like the sound of broken glass being dumped into a trash can. Happy graduation to me.

Oh, kids are the best. Let's smash bottles in their driveway. Hooray! And then they all do it. We should go to the phones. I could gab with you all day, but we should really go to the phones. Let's go to the phones. Um, we got Casey.

Casey, are you there? I am. Hi, Casey. Casey dial are you there? I am. Hi, Casey. Casey dialed 855-266-2604. And you can too if you want to get in on this. Tell us, you've got me, you've got Mary Lynn. Tell us what your teen party story is. All right.

It was summer of 1996. Okay. Just after graduation. It's a good song. It's already a good song. Summer of 1996. Okay. Just after graduation. It's a good song. It's already a good song. Summer of 1996. Go ahead. So I was still 17. Yeah. Which meant I was mostly invincible. Yes. Right? So in like a month or so, I would be 18 and have no record. So it was pretty much a free for all that summer. Yeah. It was a good time. Yeah. So the party starts.

A kid we knew ended up homeless. And one of my better friends- You mean prior to the party? That was- Prior to the party. Okay. Yeah. So this kid ends up homeless.

One of my better friends, he ends up being in my wedding. So one of my best friends, his family takes him in. But then that family went on vacation and they did not take the new resident with them because he's not in their family. So this kid- So they were kind up to a point. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So this kid threw the party to a house that does not belong to him.

Wow. It was a good party. It was a pretty good party. You know, standard keg, Boone's Farm, Cisco, Zima, everything that you should expect at a 90s party. Yep. And this house was two doors away from the sergeant on duty for the police department from his house. He worked midnight. And this is like a small town in Ohio? Yeah, Western Pennsylvania. Oh, okay. I'm out in Ohio now though. Okay.

So that whole day it rained super hard, poor. And before this family went on vacation, the dad had changed the oil, but he did not have time to empty the oil pan. So it was just sitting out on their back patio. Oh. It was a pretty good turnout, 50 or so people. And then the rain fills up and overflows.

The oil motor oil pan. Yeah. People are in and out. So oil gets tracked all through their house, everywhere. Steps, bathrooms, bedrooms. People were using like the nine year old little sister's bedroom. Yeah. It got motor oil everywhere. Then one kid decides that it would be a good idea. I'm so mad. I'm exactly the same thing.

I was just about to say, I'm mad at all you kids. I'm so fucking angry right now. And mainly about the first kid. Like get rid of the oil. You know you're having a party. Don't leave a big pan of oil, cause kids are monsters. But anyway, continue.

He didn't know what to do. Sorry, Casey. You have no affiliation with this house whatsoever. I know, but still, so you're a sociopath. These people have taken you in and you're going to get not mud, but motor oil all over the house. Oil, yeah. So angry right now. Yeah. Go ahead, Casey. There's a bunch of people out on the patio walking through this rain and oil. One kid decides it would be a good idea to moon them, which he was successful at. Right. And also shattered the window with his ass.

Oh, wow. That is an ass. So we've got a broken window and motor oil everywhere. Wow. And at that point, me and two of my other buddies that were there decided it's time to go. Yeah, yeah. Right? Third, destroying our friend's house.

We got to put an end to this. So the kid who drove had an 85 Chevy S10. Sure. Standard shift. Right? And still in high school, he was the only one who could drive a standard shift at that point. Yep.

So we get on the... Before we left, we filled up a couple empty bottles of Boone's Farm, used our thumbs as stoppers and climbed in the truck to go. What we learned the next day is that when leaving, he had hit half the cars on the street parked on both sides like pinball going back and forth. I don't remember this part. Don't remember this part happening. Eyewitnesses said it was us. But a party was not a rare event. So we were pretty much under control. And I can remember most everything else from this night, but not that.

So I'm still not sure that part happened yet. So we're leaving, thumbs in the bottles, go into a convenience store to get some snacks. When we're pulling into the park, the kid driving scraped the side of one of the cars that was already in the lot. Fully scrapes the side of this car. Like, okay, get out. We can't go in here. You got to go. Yeah, yeah. So he backs out, scrapes it again on the way out. The guy whose car it was was standing in the doorway holding his bag and his drink and watched us do both. So this guy clearly would start chasing us. Right. And being pretty young, we had had to walk or ride bikes for years.

So we knew the neighborhoods much better than somebody who has only been driving for a while. Right. So he's chasing us. The kid driving's got headlights on using turn signals and a car chase. It was... Solid. Yeah, you don't want to get in trouble. Well, exactly. Yeah.

It was a, you know, almost a high speed chase. Speed limit was 25. There's a stop sign on every corner. Yeah. So it was high speed for the posted 25 miles per hour. Yeah. So probably 40 or so. And like Dale Earnhardt would have been proud like this, this guy's bumping our hitting our bumper and oh wow, aside us and side to side and

push in and when we finally convinced him to shut his lights off and stop using turn signals, I mean, we had cut through alleys and yards. Yeah. We got away. So it wasn't chase anymore. It was more hide and seek. Wow. This is exciting. Yeah, it was. We starting to get away and we're creeping through the one part of the neighborhood and we look down the hill would have been to our right. There's a police car coming up the street. So slow down even more. Look to the left, the guy that was chasing us was coming down the street. He flags down the cop. They start talking. This dude's explaining, you know, these teenage kids who had just destroyed his car. Yeah. Yeah. And while those two are talking, we just kind of

crept through the intersection and off to safety. Wow. He never got your plates. No. Wow. Are you all in? No cell phones, no pictures, no way to write anything. Right. Right. Oh, got your plates. No. Wow. Now, are you all in- We have more cell phones, no pictures, no way to write anything. Right, right. Oh, that's true. Are you in the cab of the truck or are there kids in the bed of the truck? Oh no, just us three.

I'm in the cab sitting in the middle. Okay. With a thumb and a bottle of booze. Right, right. And filled up from the cab. So you guys got off scot-free. Yeah, nothing happened. Wow. We made it out. You it really on top of the world nice

Yeah, incredible Yeah, did that make you feel it was quite a day Did you met did that make you feel like you were cut out for a life of crime or that you would already? Overextended your luck. Oh, no, I knew that it would all be ending when I turned 18. So yeah. Yeah right before college I turned 18 and didn't lead the most upsell at a solid college life. Right. And now you're a United States Senator. You are a judge.

Did you, did everybody know that this happened or was it kept a secret or were people talking about it? I think pretty much everybody knew. Yeah, you would have to. It's too good. Yeah. Yeah. I graduated with like 200 kids, so the word was out.

Did any of the parents find out about the chase part of it? Oh, I don't know. That's awesome. Nobody ever brought it up. Wow. So I don't know. Well, you're kind of a superhero. Yeah, no kidding.

Marilyn wants your number if you wanna leave it. She likes a bad boy. I love a bad boy. What were the repercussions for that fucking kid with the motor oil house? Oh, he was instantly kicked out. Injected, yeah. Oh boy. Yeah, actually this is the worst team. Yeah, he was instantly kicked out. Ejected. Yeah. Oh boy. Yeah.

Actually, this is the worst team. Yeah. Yeah. He became homeless again, didn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Probably. Yeah. I think his family had moved. And he didn't want to. Yeah. And he wanted to finish school. Yeah. Now the guy who did the mooning. A friend of my brother's lived with us like that. Oh, really? Yeah. his parents moved out of state and then he stayed with us for a long time, like maybe a year, you know? But I think we would have taken him on vacation.

We had a kid on our couch for a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd like to believe that our family would have taken him on vacation. Right, right, exactly. The guy who did the mooning, now did he have a good outcome? Did he get some kind of a contract for that ass or?

It's possible. Yeah? It's possible. I would worry about the ass getting shards of glass and then there'd be a mixture of oil and blood. Wow. That's pretty artistic. It was an old house. These are old steel mill towns. So it was an old house and likely he just pushed the window out and it shattered. Yeah. It's my guess. Yeah.

Yeah. And the caulking was bad. They didn't have good storm windows. They sure didn't. They're not ass proof. Yeah, not in the summer. Yeah. All right.

Well, Casey, thank you so much. This was a thrilling tale. Incredible. And I'm glad you got out of it alive and unscathed. I made it. That was a banger. Thanks for sharing. That was good.

Thank you, guys. Thank you. Speaking, that reminded me of, actually, I was a late bloomer. So I lost my virginity while I was in college. And the woman that I lost my virginity to, we had a date at a bar, she got bombed, she drove, I didn't have a car. And when she got to her house, this is in Chicago,

she parallel parked and did the most like smash, smash, smash, smash. And then still was like, you know, the next morning I woke up and looked out the window and her car still was like parked at a three quarters angle. And both the ones in front and in the back were like just dented and you know, broken headlights.

And I was just like, well, okay. That's my lady. This isn't me doing this. But it was like, it was, and I still was like naive enough to not know like that, that that, those smashed headlights were a direct sign that I was going to get laid. Like, because if she was that, like if she was that out of control. Yeah, she's like, yeah, I should have just known like oh well, you know She's gonna smash into anything including me. So hey, oh That was her foreplay was Smashing it worked demolition derbies. Get me hard hot

Michael hello Michael. Are you there? Michael, hello Michael, are you there? Hello, good afternoon. Hi, Marilyn and I are so excited to have you tell your story to us. Oh geez, I hope I live up to a death billing here. Oh that's alright, it doesn't matter. We have very low expectations of everything. Oh perfect, this will go over great. I threw a party in high school and i did so well that i'm not sure actually get it but it's not because of alcohol but uh... my parents would always be town and my brother and i didn't always hire literally uh... i did the football coach to stay with us at a younger age and

finally got to the age of sixteen i could drive and they were out of town and and we begged and pleaded for them not to Make us have the high school football coach stay with us for a few days and we went around the neighborhood and we warned all the Neighbors that we might be throwing a party and Promise them that nothing would go wrong We cleaned up their neighbor their houses would be better than when they first got there It's. That is really responsible and nice. No kidding. A moment for that in itself. Okay, go on. Well, you know, didn't want to get busted here.

Didn't need any of the neighbors taking us down. Smart. We got one of the neighbor kids to buy us all the alcohol. They did a great job, great assortment. We had the house all set up so everybody could go in the garage. They had to go to the bathroom. It was a block party. And, you know, that way they could use the bathroom without everybody going to the house

and having to explain to my mom and dad why all the jewelry and nice things might be gone. Nice. So, had the party, everything's going great. And even asked my girlfriend at the time, or quasi-girlfriend I guess, to go to prom. So I'm pretty sure it happened. And we got away with it.

There was no incident. I'm sorry, it's a very boring story, but that part at least is boring. And then we're like, okay, so this, what's the statute of limitations on this? So didn't say anything for a while, obviously. I went to college. I was a senior in college.

My brother was a sophomore in college and we're all back home for the summer. We're sitting there at the table and mom and dad were talking about having a party. And we were like, okay, so wait, did we ever tell you about the party we threw? And they're like, what party? And yo, we didn't hire the football coach. We had the house to ourselves.

Everything went fine. I asked my girlfriend at the time, prom, and they're like, you're lying. And I'm like, no, no, no. And we recreated it. We told them everything. We told them all about the neighbors, the whole A to Z. And the problem being at that point, we literally got, we did it so well, we got away with it too well to the point where to this day they're convinced we didn't do it. It's been 35 years and we tell them the story and they don't believe me as though it happened

to the point where I started to doubt it to myself, where it's like, did this actually happen? It's weird to get away with things too well. Yeah. It just sounds like your parents don't think you're at all cool. Like that you're such a fucking dork that you could never pull off that.

Yeah, it's a little insulting, isn't it? It's totally insulting. Not you, you could never. I know, I just thought the scene was been crushed. Yeah. I have doubts that I did anything and it was my whole life a lie. Right.

You were too responsible to the neighbors. Yeah. Oh, we picked up beer cans, we picked up mangoes, we picked up everything. Mangoes? What the, where do you live? We had a mango party? So I lived in Miami and then-

Oh, okay. We were right off the bay. Right, right. Not a lot of mangoes right off the bay. Right, right. Not a lot of mangoes, unfortunately, in Colorado. Right, that, yeah, I was going to say. Well that's great. Yeah, you could be a party planner. You could provide a service.

Yeah, for teens. Just a little bit of accountability. Yeah. And goes a long way. Sure. My daughter's going to school to learn hospitality. I'm afraid that she might... Maybe it doesn't skip a generation and maybe I should not ever stay at the house.

They're all summer or something. Right. Now, if your daughter threw a party, would you believe her? Um... Sure, what the heck? Yeah, yeah. That's good. I'd go with that.

Yeah, yeah. Probably more than my son. Yeah. So do you feel like there's a... There's a... Itch that you need to scratch, like do something crazy? You feel like you want to do something reckless now because you never got caught for it? Oh, I do a fair amount of reckless things now. I'm making up for it, I guess.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm a serial killer. But I'm very neat and clean. You would never know. Right, right. Oh, I'm a serial killer. But I'm very neat and clean. You would never know. Right, right. It's weird to do it, like get away with it so well to the point where like it just almost didn't happen.

Yeah, yeah. I get you. I guess I should have had oil or... Yeah, yeah. Tracked oil through the car. Yeah, yeah. You were too good at drunk driving. Exactly.

All right, Michael, thank you for the call. Absolutely, enjoy the day. Thank you, Michael. Thanks so much, you too. All right, next up we got Mark from Virginia. Hello, Mark. Hi, Andy. How you doing? It's a beautiful day here today.

Oh good, it's a beautiful day here today. I don't know what it's like out there. It's pretty nice here too. It's not too hot. Marilyn and I are waiting to hear your tale. All right. So it's happened when I was in college and my brother and his friends took me to... I grew up in Cleveland. So, so we went down to the old, um,

Ritzfield Coliseum, see Judas Priest. And, uh, when we were, we know we're sitting in a parking lot, waiting to go in. And of course, you know, this is like 88, 89. So of course we're sitting out there in a car, just getting loaded, drinking whiskey and beer and they're smoking weed. I think I probably did too, but just hammered. And then we go into the old Ritz Field Coliseum and that was like those old Coliseum concerts, the huge Coliseums. And they had those big beers, like the 20 ounce cups or whatever,

you know, huge things. And so, you go and get a cup, drink it, and then you go back up, get another cup, drink it, and then nature go back up, get another cup, drink it. And then, you know, then nature calls, right? My problem is nature's calling all, you know, all night long and you're walking up and down these stairs, you're drunk off your ass. Right. And you're trying to find your way back down to your seat and you're getting lost and you can't stand it.

And after about the fourth time, I was like, screw this. So I'm just standing there in the aisle or standing in the row that we're in. I just had this big empty 20 ounce cup and I just take, you know, take, start pissing in it. And as I'm pissing in it, I'm wavering, kind of wavering back and forth. Cause I hammered and then it just, the cup just slips out of my hand and I end up pissing all over this guy in front of me, he was passed out. So he doesn't even know.

And this all over and it's still of me. He was passed out, so he doesn't even know. And this, I just pissed all over him and still. And he never found out, he never woke up, and none of his friends noticed. And so we just, you know, me and my brother and all his friends, we just had a good laugh about it and continued to enjoy the concert. This is terrible. Well, it's on him for passing out.

I do like too, that you would, that you use the second person in describing this whole thing. You go to find the bathroom, you try to find your seats. When I did none of these things, because I think you were trying to like head off are blaming you for pissing on your friend. Right, right, that's why it's me. Like trying to make it like we pissed on your friend. Right, that's why it's my fault.

Like trying to make it like we pissed on your friend. We did not. Yeah, no, it wasn't my friend. I had no idea who this person was. Oh, it's just a guy. Just a guy, even better. On the ground. And you said this was a priest concert?

Yeah, no, he wasn't on the ground. He was passed out in his chair. Oh. Or the stadium seating, how cold, and he's just sitting there hunched over and I just, cup dropped and I just kept peeing. And there he was. He was the unlucky recipient of my golden shower.

Wow. Mark, even to this day, you're so confident in your storytelling and to your point, really building the case for like, well, you know, I'm drinking a big beer. Yeah. But you know, they make you walk to the bathroom. You actually have to go walk.

They don't have a bathroom within two steps of where I am at all times. And you know, they're serving the 20 ounce beer, so you're going to drink them. That's right. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't care about having to walk up. It was trying to find where we were seated afterwards because I was so drunk I could barely find where I was walking to. So I just got tired of it.

Why did they do this to you? Why did they make it so you couldn't find your feet? Why do they throw all these challenges about you being separated from your flock? Especially at a Judas Priest concert. Yeah. Do you remember what song was playing while you were peeing on this stranger? You got another. Oh, I don't know.

You know what? It was probably breaking the law. Breaking the law. Breaking the law. Piss, piss. All right, Mark. Amazing. Keep up the good work, Mark.

Yeah, keep up the good work. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. Keep it in your pants. Oh, you know what? Depends. Try depends. Oh yeah, that. Keep up the good work. Yeah, yeah. Keep it in your pants. You know what? Depends. Try depends. Oh yeah, that would have solved the whole thing. Yeah, just wear an adult diaper and then you, you know. Drink all the beer you want.

I just do an insertable catheter. Oh nice! Good job. Full circle. I'm not going to kink shame you. Alright Mark, thanks so much. All right, y'all have a good one. All right.

All right. 855-266-2604 is the number. Oh, yeah. When my brother was in college, because I have a brother, the twin brother and sister who are nine years younger than me. And we went to, when he was in college, we went out in Chicago to see a concert. I think it was the frogs. I think we saw the frogs. Let's look. What are the frogs? Frogs are, you should look them up. They're like two Wisconsin brothers

Wisconsin, two Wisconsin brothers that played like, just ridiculous sort of like, they were really excellent musicians, but they would just play like just crazy, weird sort of novelty songs that some of them very, very, very offensive. Oh. But my brother was in sort of like a little balcony, is a small club.

A lot of men and boys in the audience, huh? Yes, oh, absolutely, absolutely. But my sister was there too. And I believe, I think my ex-wife was there too. I'll give her a call. Yeah, but my brother apparently passed out and just laid down in the floor of the balcony. And one of my friends told me

that people were just using their feet to like nudge him to the back. They just rolled him to the back with their feet, which I was unaware of. I was somewhere else. You know, like, in another part of the venue and didn't know this. And he said, yeah, people were, like, some people were, like, pouring drinks on him to try and wake him up. Like, my poor little brother was there.

I, like I say, had nothing, no idea about it, and he didn't much either right yeah He was fine. He was fresh out of the Navy at that point and you know when you're out of the Navy Your your threshold is high for a base. I guess and then you just eventually wake up. Yeah Get through it and get back to dry land Johnny hello, Johnny Johnny from long in Long Island Mary Lynn and I are here. I'm good. How are you? All right, what do you got for us so my story goes back it's about 2012 I think I was that I was out of school about a year already. Yeah, and 2012 I think I was at a school about a year already. Yeah.

And one of my, we banged out of this kid, he was a complete prick, no one liked him. Yeah. And he was a year, he was a grade below us. So one of my buddies did this thing that we didn't know, a prank, and this kid was having a graduation party, of course, invited me and my whole group.

None of us showed up, but my one buddy decided to plaster all over social media. All the time was just really Facebook or whatever. Plastered this whole thing that this kid's throwing a project X party. This is like, pretty sure it's the year the movie came out. So it was like, everyone knew what it was. I don't know what that is. What is that?

I kind of remember. It was like a weird, yeah, it was like a found footage movie about this giant party that gets out of hand and it's just chaos. Oh, okay. So, but it was like to say come to this place and go nuts pretty much. Yeah. The bar. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So my buddy, we're all hanging out in my basement. We're supposed to be at this kid's party. We're not again. He was a prick. so we didn't care. Right.

My buddy comes flying in my Kramer and goes, it worked. And we had no idea what he did. He was famous for doing these weird sort of pranks and not telling anyone about him until it happens. So he comes flying into the basement like Kramer. We're all stoned. He goes, we gotta go right now. Let's go.

It gets all of us. It's like 10, 15 of us. So we walk probably it's about a mile away. Walk down now. Let's go. It gets all of us like 10, 15 of us. So we walk probably it's about a mile away. Walk down to the kids house. It is insane. The entire block is shut down. House is getting destroyed. It was bad. It was like really like it got to the point of like the cops eventually showed up and shut down the party. like so like 30 40 houses away from him is this giant park called banner park massive huge park bunch of football fields baseball fields everything the cops didn't know what to do and pretty

much just corralled everyone from this party to the park and it went all night the park was fucking destroyed this kid's house was destroyed it was just a complete shit show. There was, we heard a couple days later, his mother ended up getting arrested because of all the kids that were like underage drinking. It was just a fucking shit show. But it was-

Wow, the mom got arrested. Oh my God. The mother got, well, I don't know, she got arrested or a ticket. Right. She got something, but it was like, it was the urban legend in the community was that she got arrested.

Doesn't it? Right. Even though that they had nothing to do with it. And also that the police just... I'm not marrying my friend. That the police didn't like break it up. That they just are like, move it on down the block. Yeah, that's it.

There was so many people. I remember being in like our local newspaper. It was bad. Wow. Like the whole block, which were showing up in troves. Wow. Like my buddy who posted it everywhere must have really, he was known for doing like, when he did a prank, he did a prank.

He was no expense spared. So I'm sure he posted this as many places as he possibly could. Yeah. Wow. And again, that movie coming out, people heard that and they just like chroves, it was so bad. You can't buy that kind of publicity. You really can't.

Yeah. That's viral right there. I remember we showed up kind of towards the tail end when he finally came in and got us, we walked down there, there's the tail end of the party. We ended up going to the park though. And it was like, it was insane. It was the most fun of the party. We ended up going to the park though, and it was like It was insane. It was the most fun. I think I've ever had in my entire life All night and the cops were outside just letting people in they didn't know what to do. Wow. It was just they couldn't control it

It was so bad. Yeah, how are the people getting? I mean, I'm sorry that it's all been downhill since then for you, Johnny, but I appreciate the call. Oh yeah, definitely. All right. All right, thanks so much. All right. All right, bye-bye. When my son, who's 24 now, when he started going to parties like when you, you know, 14, 15, like nighttime parties, you know, like teenager parties.

Yes, yes. One of the first, and you know, you're just always kind of, you know, you worry when you're, cause you have a teenager. You don't know like how are they gonna react in these. And my son called me from, he went to, I dropped him off at a party in the valley and he called me like an hour and a half later.

I was like, dad, you need to come get me. He said, there was a kid with a knife at the party slashing people. And I was like, what? I was like, well, are you gonna call the police? He's like, no, no, I think somebody else has got it. And so, and he was at a phone booth too of all things. Like he didn't-

Oh my gosh. I don't, I guess maybe he didn't have a phone yet or something. I don't remember, but he was at a phone booth. something. I don't I don't remember but he was at a phone booth and I went and picked him up and a bunch of his friends and found out what had happened was Was that my son got to this party? It was madhouse was like above Ventura or south of Ventura you know in the valley somewhere and that like in the hills and That he didn't even really get into,

beyond the front door. Like he kind of like met people and they were sort of like standing within the front door. He never even got into the house. And somebody yelled like, he's got a knife. And my son heard he's got a knife and ran like six blocks to Ventura, leaving his friends that he was there with

completely in the dust. Wow. And then, and I found out what it was actually was that a boy had brought a taser and was tasing girls in the backyard. Like, you know, because that's, that's funny. That, that's worse than having a knife. Absolutely. It's insane. I'm going to bring this taser and I'm gonna tase girls because that's gonna make them like me, I guess? I don't know.

But anyway, it made me feel like, okay, I know my, if there's a problem. He's out of there. Yeah, he will run fast. So it gave me like a real sense of security. Yes, and that's exciting. Yeah, yeah. That was a moment of excitement,

even though we really didn't have a party experience. But thank God he didn't, because there was some douche there. Yes, no kidding. But his friends were kind of funny. They were like, thanks for leaving us. Thanks for just like, we looked and you were just gone. Yeah, they're like, now we know. Yeah, yeah, we know what will happen.

All right, back to the phone, Steve. Maybe a little dramatic on your son's part. I know well tell me about it Steve How are you? Oh, we got oh my gosh. I this is a wild card a Wild card is where it's off topic. Let's go a wild card call can be about anything Well, so that's what Steve's got for us. I was waiting for that sound. Okay. Yeah. So, um, this was a story about when I was super in New York city.

Okay. So I moved to New York. I like it already. Yep. I moved in with my wife and my young daughter in 1979 to play music. And pretty soon I realized that it wasn't making enough money to put a roof over our heads because I was just playing in rock clubs and giving guitar lessons. So I heard about the super job that was available and my wife

strongly encouraged me to take it so I took the job. I had six buildings on the other side, 102 apartments in total. I had no real experience but it was perfect to me because I was the owner, lived in Florida and I had a lot of flexibility. Anyway so right when I took the job my phone started ringing constantly. And one thing that was really annoying was that every major holiday I would get Anyway, so right when I took the job, my phone started ringing constantly. And one thing that was really annoying was that every major holiday I would get emergency calls. Some tenants called every holiday, I figured just because they were lonely.

So I was sitting down to my Thanksgiving dinner and the phone rings and there's a woman on the line and she says, her father, Sal, who lived in one of my buildings and that she and her sister were worried because they couldn't get in touch with them. And when I mind going over and just checking to see if he was all right, this guy, Sal was like this grizzly old man who I had very little interaction with. He would just growl at me from time to time. And he lived on the top floor of a five floor walk up. Oh boy.

And I figured, okay, let me go knock on his door. So I'm not going to his door as loud as I can. And no answer. His neighbor from across the fall opens his door and says, I know he's home. He came in late from work last night and I haven't heard him go out. And I didn't have the keys to Sal's place, but his neighbor suggested I go out on the fire escape and look in the window of Sal's place because that was right off the same fire escape.

So I hadn't really been on the fire escape so much yet. And this was on the fifth floor. It was pretty rusty and shaky, but I figured okay, I guess I got to do this So I call out and I look in Sal's window and I'm really surprised to see him lying in bed under the covers with his arms folded over his chest So right away I figured he's dead and I probably should have just called EMS But I was sort of inexperienced and I thought maybe this is part of my job finding these bodies So I'm knocking on the window just to make sure he wasn't asleep, but he didn't move at all and the window was locked.

So I had bought this small bag of tools with me and I had a hammer. So I figured, okay, let me break the glass and unlock the window and go in. So I'm banging on the glass sort of timidly and the helpful neighbor leans out his window and says, you know, sells in late watchman and I'm pretty sure he has a gun in there. And then he ducks back into his apartment. He told me this just as the glass broke on the window. So I reach in, I unlocked the window and I'm starting to step into the apartment.

All of a sudden Sal sits up in bed and he's like, what the hell is going on? Get the fuck out of here. He he's like screaming at me from bed. And I'm going, Sal, Sal, it's me, it's Stephen. I'm the super, I'm the super. Your daughter's called, your daughter's called. And I'm standing now in his apartment next to his bed and he's furious. He's like spitting mad.

And he gets out of bed and he yells at me, I told those bitches I didn't want anything to do with them anymore. And basically he just was ignoring his daughters on Thanksgiving. And so then now I go back you know, just was ignoring his daughters on Thanksgiving. And so then now I go back to my apartment, you know, my cold turkey dinner for Thanksgiving and I get another call at Sal's daughter again. And she says to me, when are you going to fix my father's wound?

In the, in the, in the 10 years I was a super, I did find three bodies, but they were just dead. It wasn't a big special about it. They were just dead. What do you mean as opposed to like foul play? Yeah, no foul play. And I had the keys to those apartments. Eventually the policeman who came to one of the second ones said, you know, you shouldn't

really go into an apartment if you think that somebody's dead, you should just call the police. And so by the third body I said, okay that somebody's dead, you should just call the police. And so by the third body, I said, okay, I guess I'm just going to call the police. That's good to know everybody out there in radio land. Don't enter an apartment. If you think someone's dead, call the police. No, definitely not. So many questions. I binge watched North by North recently

and I love the show. Oh. And I have to say, I spend way too much time doing Facebook clips of Andy's quips on the Conan story. Oh, gosh. Thank you. Thank you. Love that.

Great story. Thank you. This has been a lovely call. Thank you so much, Steve. You're welcome, Andy. Love your story. All right. Thank you so much.

Bye bye. All right, we got time for one more, I think. Patrick, Patrick from North Carolina. Mary Lynn and I are here. And now Steve was so nice to us that we, it was Steven, right? Steve. Yeah. I was hoping that the daughters would invite him over

for Thanksgiving. Yeah, right. You wanna come over? Yeah. You're nice. Yeah, I was hoping that the daughters would invite him over for Thanksgiving. We are right You're nice, yeah Patrick what's up? Hey, mr. Andy. Hi Hey, I got a story. I won't get back on track with the with the high school party stuff. All right. All right Sorry for the diversion. We're back. We're back All right, listen, It was a good story. So I kind of had the same situation that you did growing up. I was an only child.

You were not, but my next best friend and I never had a car was three years older than me. So I was kind of on his coattails. You know, I had to get rides from him to go everywhere and do that whole thing. And I remember the summer, you know, after eighth grade was really gonna be my, you know, our entrance into the high school or mine anyway. He was kind of my guide.

So he's kind of bringing me around and he kind of, you know, he was kind of the party coordinator, not coordinator, but more the logistics of, you know, he was kind of a, the party coordinator, not a coordinator, but more the logistics guy, you know, bringing all of the newspapers. Your mentor. Yeah. Your party mentor. Yeah. He's coordinating the kegs and the location and the newspapers and you know, the stuff

to get the bonfires going and who's coming and all that. Wow. Just, yeah, he's on top of it. So I'm riding these coattails pretty hard. And so I'm more of the workhorse. I'm doing a lot of the manual labor. I'm doing the heavy lifting

and he's pointing fingers and stuff. Right, right. Well, so we have this big blowout bonfire out in the woods. Just to bring it back, I grew up in northern New York, kind of in the Adirondacks. So it's, shout out to Potsdam. Sorry. Potsdam. The American Potsdam.

The American Potsdam. The American Potsdam. Yeah. So, we would go out in the middle of the woods and we'd have these bonfires. And I remember this one in particular was kind of the start of my legacy for high school. I was doing my usual, tending the bonfire and making sure everything's clean and, you know, stuff is staying lit and all that and I kind of got tackled by half of the football team and Brought over to the keg and this is now my introduction to the keg stand

so which for those Describe that for people who don't know what that is so First you you pair yourself up with the keg. You introduce yourself. You grab both sides of the keg. Hello keg, I'm here to drink from you. And then your legs all of a sudden are lifted

above your head and a novel goes in your mouth and you are expected to drink as much as possible. Are you upside down or does it matter? You're upside down. Yeah, yeah, down or does your upside down? Yeah. You're upside down which makes it extra fun. So my buddy, I think my buddy kind of had it figured out. He was on the knuckle and he had it barely trickling out of there and my keg stand lasted almost three and a half minutes. Oh my God. That's too long.

When they finally, it's way too long. But everybody was so drunk, they believed that I was just this drinking god. And I ended up with this horrible nickname, Alky, for the rest of my high school career. Wow. So thank you, Craig. Yeah. Yeah. My older friends. Alki that's, I mean, I would have called you volume or something, you know, you know, intake. Girth. Girth. Yeah. Yeah. Chug a lug. Yeah. Chug. Yeah. Chugs.

Hey Chugs. What's up Chugs? Extra large. Judging by the regular crowd, judging by the regular crowd. I don't, I don't think Imagination was yeah, I get it Wow, but yeah, well way to you know, get some cred without exactly Getting the cred without doing the deed right or or finding a loophole. That's pretty smart Yeah, do you do that now as an adult? You just pretend to drink and be drunk? I can't find anybody to hang out with anymore.

I hear that. Boy, I get you. It's so slow, business is slow. When you're three and a half, when you drink for three and a half solid minutes, I mean, that's a lot of beer. And like, do you throw up? I mean, does it go out your nose upside down?

You know, it's bush light and I think you just pee a lot. How much do you think you actually had? I mean, isn't it coming back out your mouth? Not to get you graphic, I really don't wanna know. Less than a gallon, he says. Oh, you know, just less than a gallon. Just Less than a gallon he says. Oh you know just less than a gallon. Just less than a gallon. I am gonna call you Alky. Yeah yeah that is that's they maybe they were right.

When you're when you call it less than a gallon. Yeah. Probably only like 62 ounces. I didn't have to ingest the whole keg. All right. All right. Well, good job, Alki. Yeah, yeah. Thank you, Alki. All right. Thank you guys. You have a good day. All right, Marilyn, that's it. Will you pick a favorite caller? Gosh, I think it's kind of tough. These are all really good. They're all really good. Shout out to everybody who shared. The oil everywhere, I think it's kind of tough. These are all really good. They're all really good. Shout out to everybody who shared. The oil everywhere, I think, was my most visceral dad reaction. Although peeing at a Judas Priest show on a passed out guy

is pretty good. I'm going with peeing because I hate that so much. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's just on all levels. Right. It's so messed up. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's just on all levels. Right. It's so messed up. Yeah, yeah.

That it's, maybe, like, it shouldn't win, but then it should. It should. Yeah, yeah. It should. But the other ones are like, the, you know, the oil, that's a solid, it almost sounds like a movie party story. Exactly. Project X, great prank.

Yeah. All right. We're going to say P at Priest. That's our winner. Terrible. Congratulations, P. Congratulations. Marilyn, you got anything, you got dates coming up? You wanna let people know about?

Is there a place where they can find them? I do. Go to my website, marylinmarylin.com, or Instagram, marylinricecub. I got a few dates coming up. I got Phoenix. And North of North is on Netflix. And thank you for coming.

Thank you for having me. Love seeing you always. It's great to see you. And you all stick around because Lori Kilmartin's Stand Up on Conan is here next. I will talk to you next week.