The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Mike O'Brien: Wild-Card Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: May 16, 2025

Mike O'Brien (SNL, AP Bio)  joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your WILD-CARD STORIES! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about moving to Rome, a true haunting, a bizarre celebrity job, and much more. In Los Angeles? Come see the Andy Richter Call-In Show live for free at SiriusXM Studios in Hollywood. Visit http://siriusxm.com/andyrichterla for your chance at free tickets.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Alright everybody, we're back. Well actually I'm back. Mike wasn't here before. I'm the one that's returning. Uh, this is the Andy Richter Call & Shell, and today is a wild card episode. Thank you. I wasn't even sure if we could do that over the theme music, but we can.

Um, yeah, today anything goes. I mean, as if any of the other shows are that strictly guarded. You can call up here and just talk to us. We're, we really are just lonely here. Give us a call at 855-266-2604. Just take, if you got a good story, burning a hole in your story pocket, which is what I call the vagina. Yeah, I wondered if that was. Yeah, yeah. And give us a call and let us know. I got Mike O'Brien here today,

which is very much a thrill. We don't know each other well, but he was on my podcast, The Three Questions, as I like to say, one of the top 10,000 podcasts out there. Heck yeah. Yeah. And one of the top 10,000 episodes, hopefully. Yeah. And you agreed the top 10,000 episodes, hopefully. Yeah. And you agreed to come in here.

Mike's an actor, writer, comedian. He was on SNL and he created AP Bio. You can find his live dates on his Instagram at MikeOBrien12345. Your parents should have just named you something other than Mike O'Brien. I know when I was trying to tag you in something, I was like, oh my God, there's seven million Mike O'Brien.

Yeah, there's like a Seattle mayor. There's a guy who represents Burbiglia. I think it's his- Oh really? His manager or something? His publicist or something. Oh wow. Sometimes someone will email me, someone said,

can you send a Bir Biglia's book to Saget? Years ago, obviously. And I said, I think I can, but I don't, why? Yeah, why would I? Yeah. Yeah, there's a chef, there was a restaurant in Portland, Oregon called Poc Poc. And the guy that ran that, his name

is Andy Ricker, R-I-C-K-E-R. And on Twitter, I used to get restaurant questions and he would get, you know, Conan questions basically. And it actually spawned a real life friendship. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, we're friends now. On my fucking phone when I'm doing voice texts and say, you know, thank you, comma, new line, Andy Richter. It says fucking Andy Ricker. Like it doesn't, it's like it's mocking me. You must be talking about the restaurant too.

I know, you must. Let me tell, say this. You do stand up in front of a band and you recently were at the Elysian here. Your band is called, it's Mike and the Jesus Christ. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.

Because you're looking for trouble. Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking for audience to come in confused. Or was there a band already called the Jesus Christ? There you just hired them. One, two, three, four, five. And he's doing a live show next Thursday, May 22nd.

Oh no, wait, that's me. Nevermind, I'll talk about that later. I don't even do the plugs right. I got one other quick plug if I can, Andy. No, okay. A podcast called Business Trips I do with my friend Brad and we're characters improvising with really fun guests. Fred Armisen just did it.

That'll be out in like eight months. We're not as smooth about it as you guys are. But- So folks, jot that down. Jot that down on a post-it and put it where you'll see, in the middle of your bathroom mirror so you can see it every day for the next eight months.

Get ready. Yeah. So how are you? How's things? I'm glad you could be here. I'm great. I think since I last saw you, I got a second dog. Oh really?

Yeah. On purpose? Yeah. You know how it is? Yeah, sometimes not. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, this one was pretty much intentional. Workshopping names, right now it's Stanley.

Yeah? I'm kind of going old man-ish names. He was Barney for a day and I literally forgot about the dinosaur that everyone hates. Oh yeah. And because I was just like Barney, that Barney fight, Barney rubble, that's a good name. And the next day I woke up and I was like wait that is literally like played to like Prisoners of War that Barney song.. I can't, it's not. I want to name my dog after a torture.

Right. Yeah, dog naming is a weird thing and it has a very functional aspect of where they say to end it on a hard vowel sound is kind of nice. That helps them differentiate. Yeah, I heard that once and I've been sticking with that. My, my first dog is Murphy and you got, yeah, two syllables ending in like a Y. Yeah.

And I have no idea if that's real, but yeah. Yeah. Mine are Sunny and Daisy. There we go. Yeah. Sunny and Sunny's a new one. And she's only named Sunny because she was a, a pound dog. She was, you know, a rescue. She was in the downtown animal shelter and she came in with like a terrible head

wound that someone had inflicted on her. Oh, God. Which I didn't know about. And then when we got her, it had healed up, but she still had like a scab right in the middle of her forehead. And I jokingly was like, let's call her Bindi. And that woman from the rescue organization, she said, yeah, everyone said that. And that's a result of horrible trauma. Oh, well, all right, maybe we won't call her Bindi.

This rescue place is no fun. I know, come on, lighten up. But at the shelter shelter I guess they just dole out names yeah at the shelter and they had called her two words sunlight. Yeah and we're just like stinks. We now say it to her mockingly to make fun of her. But like her name is now because we we then called her Sunny, which my older, my son hated, but I'm like, that's what her fucking name is.

But we call her Sunny S. Sunlight, or Sunny S. Sunshine and the S is for sunlight. She's Sunny, Sunlight, Sunshine. I think you did it right in that you, the kids don't get votes on that. No. My sister let her kids name their kittens and they're crazy.

It's like broccoli and ketchup or something like that. And then you're like, you have to say that in front of other adults. I got a five-year-old and all her, we just were like rejecting her suggestions because it was all things like, like precious cookie and you know, princess girl. And like, no, no, no.

We're not gonna call her fucking precious cookie. Get back, get back in your kennel. All right, shall we go to the phones? Let's do it. Shall we do the call-in part of this show, which is the only part aside from just me. We got Tom coming in. Hi, hello.

Hi there, you're calling from Rome? Yes, I'm calling from Rome, Italy. Wow. Wow. And- Is this the Pope? Yeah. Hello, hello, Papa. Hello. Hello, Papa. Hi.

Hi. Hello. Yeah, thanks. Thanks for letting me talk about my story. We're waiting for your story. We're on the edge of our seats. Well, don't be, because it's not that exciting. Oh, well, then.

I'm glad you called, though. Thanks a lot. Thanks for burning then I'm glad you called. Yeah, thanks a lot. Thanks for burning up the intercontinental lines. So I moved to Rome, Italy about two months ago. Okay. And you know, everyone has a dream of what Rome looks like and how living in Rome is such an amazing experience for everyone.

But before moving to Rome, I had this stupidest concerns whether I'm going to get my Amazon package on time, whether I'm going to be able to go to the gym on time because I go there at five in the morning and whether I'm going to be fine, the dry cleaner in the city. And everyone told me, look, those are stupid small concerns, you're going to be fine. And at the end, I was doing right. I couldn't find the gym that was not open until 10am on a weekend. I went there once and actually walked in, which I wasn't supposed to have been. It was a Sunday. I thought there would be someone who I could talk to about the membership, but there was no one in. And I found out that

I wasn't supposed to go in because there was no one in. And I found out that I wasn't supposed to go in because there was no one at the desk. So an alarm went off in this giant gym because I was there without permission. And I was escorted out by actually a few members because I was supposed to be in there. It was a complete new experience. And another stupid thing that I ran into was you couldn't find

a dry cleaner. They take like a week to return a few blazes. All the stupidest things that I could think of happened. And the one way to cope was actually, I'm happy that Michael Bryan is there. Just yesterday I was watching, I started rewatching AP Bio because it reminded me of my time in Washington DC where I used to live. I just watched AP Bio and all the shows and I'm trying to create this mini US in my small apartment in the heart of Rome. And my question is, you know, what do you have? What kind of advice do you have for big moves like this and how people should prepare, you know, for things that are unknown and how to cope with, you know, the stupidest, uncomfortable things, you know, in a different continent? Well, I think I don't, I mean, I don't have any great method other than you just got to just got to swim in the pond that you're dropped.

Yeah, you eat shit for like a month. I feel like whenever you move somewhere, you're like, I don't get the bus system. Yeah, I don't get what. Thanks for watching AP bio, by the way. Where you lived in DC, but you where did you grow up? I grew up in Istanbul. Okay. And are you saying that Italy in Italy, they don't do the gyms as much period? Is that weird? I think that's the case because there aren't many gyms around and those that are open, they don't open until late in the morning and they don't, they close very early in the

evening. I don't know what people do actually. Yeah. Wow. Well, they're not, yeah, and it's not like it's an unhealthy country, you know? No. It's certainly not the states. No, not at all.

Every office is fit. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how they stay fit, yeah. I mean, I think it's a matter of time, Tom, before you're the person kicking out that new guy. I like that that's kind of on the other people working out to hop off the treadmill and say, get the fuck out of here.

And kick people out. Well, at first, when you told me the story, I thought that you had walked into an empty gym on a day when it was closed and I was like, wait, they just leave the doors open? But apparently people were working out, but it was a self-service day. Exactly. Yeah, I think every day is self-service day and you have to find the right person outside. I think they outsourced it a little. Yeah. Yeah, Italy is, Italy is its own place too, because they just, you know, I mean, it's amazing that place. I don't know what the number is now, but I remember like 20

years ago, they would be like, you know, since the end of World War Two, they've had like 85 different governments, like different styles of government. And, you know, and so it's just, and I stayed there once in kind of like what, it was before Airbnb, but it was like that. It was, we rented some apartment and just being there as tourists. And we talked to the guy that owned the apartment

and he was like, everything you do in Italy, you know, if you want to, because he also owned a little cafe. And he's like, if I want to put in a refrigerator, there's like the first guy that comes in that I have to bribe. And then there's the second guy that comes in that's got to tell you how you can hook up the water and I got to bribe him too, you know. So I think it's just, there's just an ancient sort of baked in corruption and you know and also and I'm sure that they would probably say like, what do you dry clean? What are you talking about? Like you know, you wash your shirt and you hang it up, you know. Yeah, yeah it, yeah how you're describing it is how I think of

Greece, which I haven't been to, but that it's a lot of, yeah, it's just to go across town, you have to bribe eight different people and they're all cousins or something. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there was, when they had the Olympics, we were there, I had a college friend that was Greek-American dual citizen, and he ended up living in Greece, and we went there a few times. And when they were coming up on the Olympics, there was an ad, and it was for, like, I don't know,

some product, I don't even remember what the product was. But the whole joke of the ad was that the Olympics are coming and the Greek craftsmen that are building the structures aren't done yet. You know, it's like people are running track building the structures aren't done yet. You know, it's like people are running track through cement that isn't set yet. And it's like, well, because you know, we Greeks, we don't get anything done on time. Well, are you... Your advice is to bribe.

It's to bribe. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I think you're just kind of up against, you know, at a certain point, the strategy is to succumb. It's to just be like, this is what your life is. And, you know. I was in rural France once and went to a grocery store and couldn't figure out how to get a cart for a half hour. And it turns out there's like weird tokens you put in. Yeah, you put it in and it unlocks it, yeah. But I didn't speak any French and I was embarrassed and so I just kind of hung out watching people for a half hour and I was like, I can't tell what they're doing, some quick thing and then,

so I think that's just how you have to live for a while, Tom, just be like, how do you get through that door? I'm going to camp out and watch all day. Do you plan on staying there for a long time? Uh, for a year at least. Yeah. And then hopefully I'll find my way back to the US. Oh, okay. Not back to Turkey?

Uh, no, no, not at all. Enough of that place. Yeah. All right. Well, Tom, thank you for the call and good luck. I hope you acclimate quickly and smoothly. Yeah, thank you so much, Andy and Mike. You're welcome. Thanks, Tom.

Next up, we got Alyssa from Winnipeg. It's a very international show today. Yeah. Hi, how are you? We're great. How are you? You got Andy and Mike here. I'm great. Nice to talk to you. So this is from another show.

You had a show that I was going to call them but didn't make it. So I need to tell you a little ghost story. Oh, I love the, that was one of my favorite episodes. We did ghost stories. Oh, cool. And a couple were genuinely chilling. Wow. Yeah. All right. So go ahead, hit us with it. Okay. So I'm going to say I've always been kind of curious and was like, oh, it'd be

so cool to see a ghost or whatever. Okay, so in my 20s, I was living in a ski town, which was obviously very transient. So we always moving and having new roommates. So I was moving into a new place and my first night I was there, my parents were actually helping me move in. So the first night I was there,

I get waken up in the middle of the night and it felt like someone was physically faking me. And it went on for enough time that I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. Didn't tell anybody. Next night happened again. And I remember saying like, you know, to whoever was happening, like, stop,

like I don't like this. And I was like, you know, Alyssa, you're fine. Like I checked to make sure there was no like railroad tracks around the house. Like I told my mom and she's like, okay, dear, that's fine. So there was a neighboring town that had like a metaphysical store that had like rocks and gems

and you know, a tarot card reader. You know what, I'm going to go there. They're, they're going to know what to do. So she's like, yeah, you've got to smash the house. So get your sweet grass and you have to like walk around the house and burn it and walk counterclockwise. And never happened again. Kind of forgot about it. So there was a few other people who ended up living in that place that I worked with just because the owner, we all worked together. And I started to tell a few people and the owner was like,

Hey, Alyssa, you know what? Don't do that. Like, obviously you're wrong. That never happened. And you're scaring my tenants. Like, don't you, it's actually pretty pissed off. And I was like, okay, fine, fine, fine, fine. So forgot about it.

Couple of years ago. Hold on. When did I miss? Did I miss that the landlord was also your boss? Correct. Oh, okay. Did you say that or? Yeah. Okay. Cause I, I just, Oh, I don't think I Correct. Oh, okay. Did you say that?

Yes. Okay, because I just... Oh, I don't think I did. Yeah. Okay, yeah, because that does... I don't think I did. That is an extra wrinkle that... Yeah.

That don't scare my tenants. It's like, well, how about you fucking... You should have smudged the place. They're like, you're fired. Yeah. Right? You're out of a job. So yeah, so we're still friends. So my family and I

went back to visit this town a couple years ago and we went for a drink and he's like, oh my god, Alyssa, I can't believe it. I forgot to tell you, I was doing some renovations in the house and I found all these little brothels in the walls, like hidden, like lots of them. Like, oh, that's crazy. He's like, no way, it gets better. So he still was in contact. And I can't remember who's the real estate agent or the previous owner who told him that the guy before died of alcohol poisoning on the living room floor. Wow. Yeah. And was hiding bottles in the walls. I guess so. I don't know why he was hiding alcohol bottles in the walls, but yeah, the previous tenant before died

on the living room floor. Wow. So you know what? So it was a fresh ghost. Or maybe that guy, maybe that guy drunk himself to death to get away from the ghost that was the shaking ghost that lived there. There's really no way of knowing except to die

and go to the other side and ask. It's true, but I think they're gone now from my excellent smudging skills, perhaps. Yeah, the smudging sounds like it worked fast. I think so. Hopefully I don't have to do it again. And I'm just curious, when you say you were being shaken awake,

was it like someone grabbing your body and shaking it? Were they pushing on the mattress or was the whole bed shaking? I'd say it felt like my body was shaking and the bed was shaking and that's why I was like I'm gonna check to see if there's like a train track right beside the playhouse. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. Or you're on a fault line. I have so. I have a- Something like that. There's a woman who takes the cans out of my recycling bin, and I'm very aware if I have people over and there's like a lot of beer cans, I'll throw some in the garbage

just so that she doesn't think I drank all those. I'm a little in my head about what this woman thinks about my private life. And I- You never know. that can collecting woman might give you a job someday. Might be sitting across the desk. That's right. And yeah, I'm gonna start tucking some in the walls.

I think that's smart. I like that guy. The volume. Well, it is weird. Like the other day I was at Trader Joe's and there's a potato vodka that's really good, that is cheap, that's there, and I bought two bottles and it's like, you buy two bottles of booze and they're like, you're having a party?

I'm like, no! I'm stocking up! I don't want to come back here. I'm saving a trip! Yeah! I have places where I can put a booze bottle. Don't judge me! Yeah!

What the fuck? Yeah, no, I've never worried about like the volume of booze bottles, but there was a point, and this was just like not that long ago where I went to the store and all I needed, it was at CBS, all I needed was a CVS, all I needed and again it was vodka, I needed vodka and Preparation H hemorrhoid wipes. Those are the only two things I needed and I bought like six other things.

Right. Just so that it wasn't, so those weren't the only two things I was purchasing. Yeah, yeah. Like here, I'll get a chapstick too and I don't need it, but you can always use some chapstick. What are your don't need it, but can always use some chapstick. What are your plans for the night? Yeah, yeah. Oh, painful shits and forgetting all about them.

You know, I think the previous woman in my house died in the house. It kind of- Oh, really? That kind of was hinted at, yeah, by neighbors and stuff. And it got me thinking, I'm like, does almost every, what percentage of homes have like a dead person? A person that died in them.

A person that died in them. Yeah. I haven't been shaken like Alyssa luckily, but yeah, it's got to be kind of a common thing that then you don't, the realtor doesn't bring up. I think that there's some law about having to disclose. I don't know about from state to state, but I seem to remember hearing that once that there is like a disclosure law if somebody died in a house, which honestly is a little wimpy if you ask me. Like, you know, you'll find out if it really matters, you'll find out. Right.

Right. But yeah, because the house I live in was built in 1907 so I feel like somebody has to have died in there. Yeah. And I have no goat, I've never sensed any presence or anything. Yeah. You know. Have you ever had any kind of ghost experience at all? No. In life I haven't. In life you haven't? What does that mean? I haven't. In life you haven't? What does that mean? In your dreams? I answer every question in life. Well, I mean not just in my home that's got a dead woman in it. Yeah. But like, you know, I've been to New Orleans, all these and never never seen or felt like have you? No. Oh, well, and I've told I think I I told this on the Ghost Stories episode.

My grandfather died when I was about nine, and we used to live with them. After my mom got divorced, we lived with them. And a couple weeks after he died, I was at my grandma's house and I was watching TV and I heard my, and I absent just like I heard my grandfather calling for her and he called her mommy which I mean just let's move past that. But I heard it I heard mommy, mommy and I yelled she's at the store and then went oh and I-oh. And I don't, you know, I can't vouch for the fact that I really heard that or if I heard something else and my brain turned it into mommy, mommy.

Yeah. But I did leave the house and go next door until my grandma came home from the grocery store. You'd have to. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like I was raised Catholic and this was a creepy Catholic school thing I heard from some nun or something one time that sometimes when you're half asleep and

you feel like someone says your name, that's like Jesus haunting you. I mean, she didn't say that. Yeah, that's Jesus. He's the father, you've got the father, the son, the Holy Ghost, and the pest. And the little imp. Yeah, yeah. The imp. The imp is Jesus.

All right, Alyssa. Well, I mean, I hope that you're not haunted in the future. Oh, I'm not. Okay, good. You just got to smudge your house. Yeah, yeah. Smudge it. in the future. Oh, I'm not. Okay, good. You just got to smudge your house. Yeah, yeah. Smudge it.

I always, I did think when you said like you got to walk counterclockwise, like I just love the notion that if you walk clockwise, you'll just open it up like the, you'll open a portal. You know, the ghost comes flying in. They were watching you and they're like, oh fuck, she's doing it right. If only she'd gone clockwise. All right, Alyssa, thank you doing it right. If only she'd gone clockwise. All right, Alyssa, thank you so much.

You guys take care. Thanks. Thank you. 855-266-2604, we're listening to anything you gotta tell us. Dan from Montana, hello, you got Mike O'Brien and Andy Richter ready to share. Hey, how's it going guys? Good. Hey Dan. Good.

Okay, well, my story, like all my good stories, takes place in the 90s. The best job I ever had in my life was, I worked for Peter Fonda for a couple of years. Oh wow. Yeah, I was the guy who took care, I guess you would call it a caretaker. I watched his house and took care of his dogs while he was gone, you know, working and stuff.

And this is in Montana? Yeah. Yeah. He lives in the same area I do. Okay. So the first time, this was, I think this was during the first year that I worked there, and I had stayed once in the wintertime, but this was my first stay in the summertime. And I showed up, I think they wanted me to be there, you know, 10 or 10 minutes or so before they left in case they had any instructions or anything. And so I showed up and it's the last hurried minutes that he's he and his wife are trying to get ready to get out to the airport. And he's in the other room, I'm standing in the kitchen with his wife, and there's some conversation going back and forth and he's saying, who's out there? And

she says, oh, it's just Dan. And then she says, are you decent? And he said, oh, Dan won't care. And he rounds the corner and is standing right in front of me, a hundred percent naked. Like, well, maybe let's say 110% naked. He was that naked. And proceeds to tell, give me a lecture. It wasn't like a Stern lecture, but it was very definitely a dissertation about how he liked to have the yard mowed. I think he even got out a piece of paper and sketched it out. He wanted it to be like two squares that got smaller and smaller and smaller so you kind of had to keep going around and around and it was just so completely surreal. Yeah, yeah. That's very much an old school actor thing to say, oh, Dan won't care. Yeah, right.

Like that's not a thing that you, a sentence you say anymore, I think. Yeah, exactly. And it's also like, Dan won't care because if I were to treat it as if he did, it would be an inconvenience to me. And I avoid those at all costs. It would add 18 seconds to... Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'd have to... Yeah, yeah. You're about to run out the door to go to the airport,

which is an hour away, and you're still completely naked? Yeah, and thinking about the lawn, how he doesn't like the stripes that he's been looking at for a while, and he's like, when Dan gets here, I gotta have that talk. Yeah, yeah. It's like, I don't, this information is so valuable, it doesn't mind if my dick is out. Yeah, yeah. And he said, I'm very, I'm very lawn proud. Lawn proud. Lawn proud. That to me too, because like-

Apparently naked proud too. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That to me, because I just, having known about a few like Hollywood people that end up moving, you know, to, you pick, you know, Wyoming, Montana, all these different states, and they kind of live out there. Like almost everyone I've ever known that has made that transition is like a smoke dope all day stoner. And so I just said, I'm just assuming that that's what was happening there. I mean, he's fucking easy rider. And then, but that to me, the fact that there is a meticulousness to the mowing the lawn, that's like, okay, yeah, that's weed. Yeah.

That's like somebody that's getting high all the time and then just like making a meal out of one thing. Like, okay, this has got to be perfect. Yeah, all right. It's how they describe it. If someone's like, I can't tell if my son's on weed. It's like, does he draw the lawn mowing path? Yeah, does he try to emulate the parquet floors at Versailles

while he's mowing the lawn? All right, well, that's a good one. Well, I mean, we can't, I feel like the audience demands to know. Is he, was Peter Fonda well endowed? You know, I'm really proud of myself. I never broke his gaze. I did not.

I, you know, it's hard. It's hard to when they're like, if you don't get a chance to get, to do a glance. It is hard when you're looking somebody directly in the eye. Which must have made for such an intense, I mean, obviously, but long conversation to never break eye contact when you're talking about like clippings. And while drawing it too. While drawing it.

Staring deeply. See, that's when you should have shot a look down like, oh, yes, I'm watching the pattern. All right, well, thank you, Dan. I assume so. Oh, you're welcome. Right, right, yeah. Yes, I'm watching the pattern. All right, well thank you, Dan. I assume so. Oh, you're welcome, it was great talking to you. We all want that. Yeah, that's what we want.

It's what we want out of our Peter Fondas. All right, Dan, thanks so much. Next up, Eric from Philly. Hi, Eric. Hey, how's it going, Andy? Mike, good to talk to you. Hi, Eric. What do you got for us?

Oh, God. So, I'm the computer guy in the family, and if the family computer's busted, anybody in the family, they know to call me. I'll come over and fix it. Yeah. And a beloved member of the family called one day and was just like, hey, can you clean up our computer? It's running super slow.

So, they said, we'll be out of the house all day, so come by around six o'clock when we're home and we'll get it fixed So we get there about 630 and they're like, yeah go ahead and have at the computer. It's like get there I start fixing the computer defragmenting and whatnot All the while the the dogs acting weird. It's it's usually like coming over hanging out with me I scratch its head, but it's just laying on the floor Being real lazy like awake but being like real weird. Then the young daughter comes downstairs and she's like, mommy I don't feel good, and the mom is like, huh

we didn't have hot water this morning so my husband fixed the hot water heater. You think that has anything to do with it? We're like, I mean isn't that a monoxide concern? And just then the daughter's like, walking out back to get some fresh air, eight years old, maybe, and throws up all over the floor. So my wife calls 911, and we get everybody out of the house. And I carry the dog outside. And at that point, I'm like, I don't know if this dog is alive. The fire truck comes then like three more fire trucks they shut down the whole street and yeah it turns out all day long while they were out there was a carbon monoxide leak in the house.

Wow. You can't smell it, you can't see it, it doesn't make the air wavy, it just it slowly suffocates you. Wow. And the dog was in the house all day. Luckily they they were out all day. Luckily they they were out all day. They only came home over there for about a half hour. We were there for about 10 minutes before all this went down. So a bunch of different ambulances come and take us to a bunch of different hospitals. So all of us get split up. The mom and the two kids, because they were there for so long, like the normal carbon monoxide level in your body is zero. I don't I forget what the like the

measurement was, but it was like when I got in your body is zero. I forget what the measurement was, but it was like, oh, when I got there, they took my measurements. I was at a nine. My wife who was there the same amount of time was at an eight. They were at like plus 30 on their end, which is not good. So they had to spend the night in the hyperbaric chamber, which they told us about, which was nuts.

That's a bucket list item for most people. So they got that, they got to check that one off, you know. It's a story of theirs that I get to tell. Did the dog make it? Yeah, yeah. The dog made it. Okay, good. The fire, the fire truck put oxygen on her,

and they were like, I mean, it was touch and go for a while. But yeah, the dog ended up living, you know, I think another good like eight years. Oh, good. Great dog, named Missy. And yeah, everybody else was, you know, fine after that. We tell this story everywhere. And I will tell it internationally

on your podcast right now. Check your carbon monoxide detectors. Yeah. No joke. Did they have them or did they just not have them? Was it a while long enough ago that it, I mean how long ago was this? I'm glad you asked. This was January 13th, 2007, Saturday night, the night Jake Gyllenhaal hosted Saturday live and sang dream girls in the monologue. We made it home.

In time to watch Saturday Night Live. They had to spend the night, but we talked to them the next day and everybody came out you know, fine. Husband never tried to fix the water heater again. We still joke about it to this day. Yeah, wow. How he almost killed his family. Oops-a-daisy.

Although- That's literally the crux of the joke. From- Remember when I almost killed you? Yeah. From what I've heard though, that is a very pleasant way to die. You know? I guess if I had to pick...

I mean, you don't know what's happening, clearly. You just kinda, you know, you might get a little bit groggy, but it's like just, you take a nap, you know? Yeah, it's like getting put under for surgery. I mean, and I don't have kids, cause that seems like a good canary situation is a kid puking.

Right. It is one of the best reasons to have them. Yeah. That's why a lot of couples do it. I know. Cause the gasoline gets to them first. Right. Right. They got a smaller body.

So you just watch for that puke. And that way you don't have to get one of those carbon monoxide detectors. Yeah, right. When they drop off the perch in their cage, that's when you know. Have kids or check your carbon monoxide batteries. That's right. That's terrifying. All right. Well, thank you, Eric. I'm glad you made it.

Thank you. I'm glad you got to see Jake sing that song. Good episode. He looks really good in a dream girl dress. He's a very handsome man. All right, next up, we got Nick calling from Indianapolis. Nick, you got Mike, you got Andy. What's your story? Hi, Nick.

All right, folks. Well, this just happened last week, so it's very fresh in my mind. Just a very weird situation. Smell the freshness. So I work for a very large company, and one of our facilities is in Indiana. It's half manufacturing, half office.

So I work in HR communications. And last week, I got a call from my buddy who works in another building here on our campus. He works in the building where there's a merchandise center and where they do things like have short meetings or interviews. So a gentleman was at the facility interviewing for a job for a production role, so working on our production line. While he's sitting in the lobby, he's sitting around waiting for them to call him

back for his interview. This gentleman goes into our merchandise center and starts in the strangest way, very obviously stealing from the merchandise center, putting a polo under his suit jacket, putting a hat under his suit jacket, like in a comical way where you think this guy would maybe want to get caught or something. It was very strange. So my buddy's watching this and he watches the guy go out to his car, drop off the merchandise, come back in, sit back down like he's just waiting for his interview again. So at that time, the, uh, one of our production managers calls the guy back for an interview and my buddy goes out to his car, takes photos through the window, seeing all the merchandise just laying in his car, not even trying to hide it. Very strange.

So he calls me up because I'm an HR and he says, hey, we got some weird son of a bitch over here and he's stealing from the merchandise center. And I say, all right, that's weird. He's like, should I call security? Should I call the cops? And I said, call right, that's weird. He's like, should I call security? Should I call the cops? And I said, call security, and then I'll go down there as well and we'll confront him once he comes out of his interview.

So I head down that way and we decide while, in the meantime, to not wait till the guy's done with his interview to instead pull out the interviewer and give him a heads up what's going on so he doesn't offer him a job or anything. Right, right. So. You're perfect. Yeah. So we call this guy out of the interview, or we call the interviewer out rather, and we say, hey, Bill, this guy, he's no good. He's for some reason stealing from the merchandise center.

We got him on camera. It's very strange. We're going to just politely ask him to go get the stuff from his car, bring it back in, and we'll let him go on his way, but he certainly isn't getting hired. And the interviewer says, that's wild. This guy is one of the, you know, I've been here decades. This is one of the best guys I've ever interviewed. Knew everything about the, you know, the process of building product that we have. And I'm trying to be vague here. Yeah. And, and he said, that's bizarre. He goes, I thought you guys, I thought I was getting called out here by HR for something else. In his interview, he told me he, uh, just got out of jail for stalking his girlfriend.

And I said, well, that's just another weird thing to add to this story. Um, and so the guy comes out, they call him out, I say, hey man, we have you on camera taking some stuff from the merchandise center, shoving it under your jacket, coat jacket. Can you go get that from your car, bring it back in? No big deal, we won't get anybody else involved. He goes, I didn't steal anything.

We say, yeah, you did, we got the footage. Finally, he says, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that cat stuff, or whoops, that merchandise. We got the footage. Finally, he says, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That cat stuff or that merchandise was in my car before I purchased it from my fiance. And we're like, no, no, no. So finally the gentleman gets the merchandise and brings it back in and gives it all up and says, yep, okay, bye. And pieces out. And we think that's the end of it. Well, while we're standing there, one of our security guys who was there decides

to Google this guy. Turns out this gentleman had just gotten out of jail, you know, for the stalking thing he mentioned, but also for plotting to kill his wife. And even stranger, his old job, he was apparently a very famous orthopedic surgeon in the state of Indiana Who was pulling in like two million dollars a year and not only that the guys got his whole 2020 ABC special there was a documentary on the guy Don't add up Wow Yeah, and so we were like, huh. So somebody ended up calling the cops

and just give them a heads up and maybe patrol our facility just in case he tries anything weird. But just a series of weird events like stealing but making it very obvious as if you wanted to get caught, then interviewing, doing very well. And then a lot of pieces.

And like I said, less than a week ago, we're still trying to make sense of it. But yeah, I took it back to my supervisor. And she was like, Hey, in the future, tell recruiting that if they're gonna bring somebody in, maybe Google their name, and if they've got a documentary, just say like, fuck it. That's not good. Yeah, yeah. It's he's a he was an amazing guy. Like, you know, like just what a multifaceted interesting behavior.

Yeah, and he had a whole past successful life. And he, you know, there's all kinds of news clips. Like I said, he's got this. And I mean, there were news clips from when he was a successful surgeon, and that's what his whole thing was. And then on top of that, it's like, oh, yeah, by the way, he planned on murdering his wife and went to jail for 10 years. And was stalking another person or was stalking his wife?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's again, he's got many interests. Not great with dating, bad at dating, good at surgery, bad at stealing. Bad at marrying. Yeah, exactly. It's a series of weird pieces. So yeah, the whole office went home and watched the ABC special on the guy, but it is very strange. Which is all very positive, the ABC special? Yeah.

That's all about his... What? It's about him being a good surgeon? No, it's about the, hey, I was a surgeon and then he tried murdering. Yeah. Oh, I got you. His heel turned. Yeah. Yeah, it's an episode murdering. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I got you, I got you. His heel turned.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was an episode of 2020. Yeah, it was very, yeah. May I ask what kind of job he was applying for? Yeah, that's the thing. It was for an assembly position. It's a manufacturing facility. So this is, now these guys do incredible work,

but this is like a lower tier job. Like, you know, probably the people we bring in for those roles are probably making the least amount at our facility. Again, very talented individuals, but not what you would expect out of a surgeon. Also, how would he even have that skillset? Cause to get to this interview, he's already taken a couple of tests to demonstrate his mechanical aptitudes. So I don't know. Well, you know, manufacturing and I, and I, you let slip. I know

what you're talking about there. You know, manufacturing this equipment, you know, it's, it's like working on bones. The body. Yeah. It's like working on bones. You always call them our cars. Yeah. Our bodies. Well, and also too, orthopedics is basically, like if you see an orthopedic surgeon's tools, they're just wood shop tools. They're saws and stuff, yeah. Yeah, they're saws and planes and, you know, and chisels. Yeah. I think of all the crazy things the guy was doing, the headline to me was that someone

called HR and said the phrase, I've got a weird son of a bitch here. There's a code for that. Thanks. That's not the wording I'd use with HR, but you sound like a pretty chill HR guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's a buddy of mine.

So yeah. And he was not wrong. Yeah, he sure wasn't. He wasn't. It is kind of amazing though. I mean, there is just like, that's a, like just, okay. So you understand the mindset that like, well, also, cause doctors are kind of, they're among those positions

that aren't used to hearing no. And then, you know, and you think, okay, that dovetails well with wanting to murder a partner and stalking someone like again. But then the notion of going for a low level job, manufacturing job and being like, you know what, I got a minute here. I'm going to swipe a bunch of stuff and go toss it in the car. That part to me-

What an amazing brain architecture is going on. So much going on. That feels to me like when famous actresses or actors will get into stealing clothes and stuff. Yes, yes. That's always fascinating to me because they can afford obviously anything they want, but that's boring to them to get out. It's a charge.

It's a serotonin. It's like they're fucking with brain chemistry. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, Nick. Yeah. No, go ahead. You're fucking with brain chemistry. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, Nick. Yep. No, go ahead. You're gonna say something.

I was just gonna say, yeah, and the strange part of it was like, he was so bad at the stealing, despite being clearly good at other things. Yeah, yeah. Like it seems, that's the piece that I just keep holding on to. Like, if you want to get caught, I don't know.

It's all very weird. Yeah. Yeah, you could put that in the in the interview notes. Not good at stealing. All right. Thanks, Nick. Thanks, Nick. Hey, thank you. Have a good day. Thank you. 855-266-2604. We're almost done here, but we got Jane from I just give you the number

in case you got something, you know, come and try and get in here. Jane from Canada. Hey. Hi Jane. Hi Jane. Andy and Mike here. What's your story, man? So in the 1990s, Yes? the government paid me to watch hours and hours and hours of porn.

Okay. And that's it. Fucking Canada is the best. Just, oh man. I was on the Ontario Film Review Board. So imagine your ratings board. Yes. Right?

And so we had to watch regular movies. This was just a part-time gig. And it was meant to be made up of people from across the province Before me or before my time It was a patronage job a slush job a hack job sure that the governments would give to their to their friends Yeah, because it's like a hundred and twenty five bucks at the time a day To you know watch movies right but by the time

I got there in the 1990s you know we yeah we got to see regular movies but but that was the height of porn on VHS and so someone had to look at that to make sure that it wasn't contravening what the legal standards were for Oh, you know for being X-rated possible in the yeah, well It was definitely X-rated, but it no no, but I mean, but there's a certain level where it gets to be 2x You know like there's certain. Yeah, I mean I understand there's like Yeah, 2x was like animals, kids. Yeah.

Defication, urination. Fondant. I got it. I got it. It's actually a tattoo on my thigh. The whole list of... Just as a reminder. It's like the Carlin list, but worse.

Of curse words. Yeah, yeah. How often did you come across ones that cross that line? Actually, very rarely because the distributors in the end didn't really want to get up to the line. And certainly none of that. Right. I never saw anything that was really,

the thing that became an issue was two things actually. One was. You're getting a call. Yeah, Yeah, I think an elf is manifesting himself in front of you. Yeah, sorry about that guy. That's alright, that's okay. There were two sort of, there were two categories. One was age, because then you had, you know, the porn industry likes to make women look or try to play younger than they really are. Yeah.

And that's the only place where it happens. So sometimes it looks like, no, yeah, I know. But there was that. But then the other one was the humiliation. And this is where the other part of the story comes in. This is the part that is, I tell at cocktail parties, if the cocktail party is the right group of people. Sure. So I'm the only

sort of like progressive mid-20s dyke on and in my position I represented a constituency that was left. Everybody kind of had their own sort of what they were meant to represent and I would sit on panels with all sorts of different people from across the country, super middle class, middle of the road people and conservative people. And anyway, I'm sitting on a panel with this really great old guy. He was 75. This like he used to be, he used to have a novelty store, you know, like whoopee cushions, hand filters, and that kind of shit. Joke shop. And he was this old, yeah, joke shop, and he was this old Jewish guy, like, I don't know, what is the male version of Bubby, but like, you know, anyway,

and he was super cute and very funny. And then there was this, like, middle of the road, you know, rural nurse. like middle of the road, you know, rural nurse. And we're watching this, this thing. And suddenly there's female ejaculation. And they have these two people have never heard of this, right? They have no idea that this is possible. Yeah, that this happens. And so I'm trying to explain to them what it means. And it's very awkward, but I'm trying to explain to them what it means. And it's very awkward, but I'm trying to explain to them. And then finally, like they're just not sort of understanding it. So I literally freeze frame at the spot and I'm like pointing at where the G spot would be, you know, and I'm trying to explain to them the mechanisms of female ejaculation. Anyway, this will be like for this is for your Gen X listeners and older.

My nickname became the Dr. Ruth of the Ontario Film Review Board. You got a little red pointer, light, laser just sit there like, yeah, right there. Yeah, right there, right there, buddy. Anyway, the look on Norman's face, you could tell that he was sitting there going, oh my God, you know, like women can do this? I haven't been able to get any woman to do this in 75 years. Yeah, finding out a new thing that human bodies can have happen at 75 has got to be a shock. And also to live blissfully unaware of the it's just pee, it's not just pee debate. Like so much time in my life has been, you know, with that.

Yeah. Well, in the end, yeah. But that was the crux of it though, right? Because ultimately if it was P, it was humiliation. And I was like, well, actually it might be P and not humiliation guys. Like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But anyway. It could, yeah, just have been a nice day. It's anonymous. I had a, I wrote a sketch for SNL that involved porn and it made it so that for a whole Friday, all of our interns had to watch porn to find little quick clips for specific things. These are like unpaid NYU 20-year-olds. And I was like, I don't think this is great. You'd walk through their room and they were all just dead

faced staring at like six different computers with porn around the clock. I'm like, this feels. That's the thing. It actually is quite torturous to be frank, right? Because we would have to watch it on one and a half time because there were so many titles that were coming in to the board for review

that we couldn't watch it on real time. We had to watch it set up. Yeah. And, you know, and it wasn't fun. Like it's like, imagine a board room that's fully lit and you're sitting with these people that it's not sexy. Not at all. It's not fun.

Any stretch of the imagination. It wasn't until you got to that part that I realized you were watching it in a group. Yeah. I thought you were like a study carol. Oh yeah. That's crazy. No, no, no.

No, you have to watch it together. Then you have to discuss it. You have to all agree that, no, this doesn't contravene the guidelines or whatever. You have to all agree that no this like this doesn't contravene. Yeah. Yeah, you know the Guidelines or whatever. It's got a Siskel and Ebert vibe to it kind of Wow percent hundred percent very uncomfortable chairs the whole nine yards and I was like that's my government money coming into your pocket

Government money sweet sweet government. Yeah. Government money. Sweet, sweet government cash. Yeah. All right. Jane, the time that I. OK. Oh, wait, wait. Go ahead. No, I was going to say it was it was a better job than when I did child labor as a dancing bear at Tivoli Miniature World when I was 11. Yeah, we're going to skip. It's not. I'm glad you mentioned it just for your healing, but we're not gonna hear about that today.

All right, thank you, Jane. Thanks, Jane. All right, bye-bye. All right, we got time for one more from Canada. Again, I am assuming Lenny from Ottawa. Three Canadas. Are you there? I'm here. All right, hi Lenny. Yeah. Hi Mike and Andy.

Okay. I'm going to speed into this. I know you're out of time here. So it's early 2006 and I decided I was going to get tickets to a taping of Late Night with Colonel O'Brien. Oh, that show. Yeah, that's a good show. That's a great show. Yeah. You probably recall that one. Okay. So we had to call NBC at a particular day and time in order to get tickets to a taping for the next month. And I think it was a Tuesday at nine thirty. But I was at work at nine thirty. And in 2006, our mobile phones didn't have unlimited long distance plans.

So I had no choice. I had to call from my work line to NBC to get tickets, but I was told that my employer, a very big organization, did have an unlimited long-distance plan so that my calling NBC to get Conan tickets wouldn't cost them anything. So I said, no problem, I won't get any flak from doing this. So at 930, called NBC and, no problem. I won't get any flack from doing this. So at nine 30 called NBC. And as I expected, I didn't get through because thousands of people were calling to get tickets.

I kept calling and calling and calling and 78 consecutive calls later, because I was counting them after the seven on the 78th call, I got through to NBC and I got tickets to a taping of Late Night with Conan. I think it was May 5th, Edward Norton was on that show. You weren't Andy, because you and Conan were on a break then. Right, yes. That was our, yeah, we spent some time apart just to later rekindle our romance. Right. Well, you, you, you, you two kids, you needed some time apart. That's right. It was just late night with Conan, not Conan and Andy.

Right. I went to New York, saw the show, front row, aisle seat, Conan warmed up the audience beforehand. He was standing right beside me. I had the time of my life. I never gave it a second thought. Okay, it's all good. Time of my life. I returned to Canada. I returned to my job. About a month later, I get called into my boss's office. They close the door. They sit me down and they say, they pick up a piece of paper and they say, what's this here? What are these 78 consecutive calls that you made to NBC on our work line." And I say, well, well, and I was in shock. So I shook off the shock and I said, well, that was for a good cause. That was to get tickets to a live taping with late night with Conan O'Brien.

And they look at me sternly and they say, a government line is not, is not for recreational purposes. so this can't happen again and for now for the time being we're gonna put you on probation for three months and we're going to assume there will be no more 78 consecutive calls to any network to get a taping for any show or any other purpose and so I didn't lose my job but I came close to losing my job. And my career, because that's my career, just to see Conan. Just to see Conan. Well, I wish I could tell you it was worth it.

It's a tough three months. No late night tapings for a whole three months. And also, what's... Tell him to fuck off. You know, I mean, I know you can't, but I mean, for the love of God, what's the big deal? Let him make the calls. I don't know. See, I wouldn't be good at being the boss of a place like that because I would just be like, nah, who cares?

Yeah, you never want to be the person who's having to look at that all the time and is like, finally, we caught someone using it too much. I also too... Even though it didn't cost them a nickel. Right, exactly. Cost them a nickel. And I told them, okay, there was no Andy there, so it wasn't, oh right, it wasn't, you know,

it wasn't late night with Conan and Andy was just Conan, but I still thought it was worth it even though you weren't there. All right, well, that is lovely. So thank you for that, Lenny, and I'm glad that you still have a career. I don't. Thank you very much, guys. All right. Thanks, Lenny. All right. Thanks, Lenny. Thanks, guys. Okay. Bye-bye. All righty. Bye-bye. All right. We usually pick a favorite. I got to say Jane from Canada, porn screener. Jane was great. I mean, everyone was great. I'll go weird murderer interview from Nick. Yeah, that's pretty good too. Yeah, that was good. And Peter Fonda's dick wasn't bad either.

Yeah. Yeah. Solid. I mean, from what I hear. All right. Well, hey everybody. This is, I'm going to do a plug myself here. I mean, Mike's had plenty. Mike O'Brien. I did one. Look him up. I mean, yeah, there's a dozen, but you'll figure it out. If you're in Los Angeles, I am doing a live version of this show next Thursday, May 22nd.

Chris Fleming, Rachel Bloom will be sitting in with me. I'm excited about it. You guys, whether you show up or not, I'm going to have a fucking blast. But you can go to SiriusXM.com slash Andy Richter LA, all scrunched together. So it looks like Andy Richter law for your chance at free tickets. So do that because it really will be fun. It'll be a fun show. That'll be great. That's it for us. Thank you, Michael.'Brien. Thanks for having me, Andy. Thanks for being here.

And you all stick around because Lori Kilmartin is going to play you some standup clips from Conan. It's Lori Kilmartin's standup on Conan. I will see you next week. I love you all. All for you, Damien. Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio!