The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Natalie Palamides: Horrible Cleanup Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: June 20, 2025

Natalie Palamides joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your HORRIBLE CLEANUP STORIES! We hear about messy high-school ragers, public restroom disasters, a hilarious backpacking mix-up, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss!This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Well, hello! Hello, hello. Oh, there we go. Hello. Hello, everybody. Hello.

Hello. Hello! Hello! Hello, hello everybody. Hello, hello, hello, hello. This is the Andy Richter call-in show, live on Conan O'Brien radio. Guess what, I'm Andy Richter. And we wanna hear, and I'll tell you who we are in a minute, we wanna hear your horrible clean-up stories.

So give us a call at 855-266-2604 and get in on it. I posted this on social media and already started getting a lot of corpse stories. Oh! So this might be a gruesome one, but I'm here for you people. I'm here. I stated a topic and you know, I'm here for you people. I'm here. I stated a topic and you know, I'm here for it.

And also here for it is Natalie Palamedes. Hello. Hi. Thanks so much for having me. Thank you for being here. Let me tell you about Natalie. She's an actress, comedian, writer, and former Conan intern.

That's right. There's so many of them. So lucky. You can see her comedy special, Nate, which is fucking hilarious and incredibly like, it's very brave. Thank you, Andy. It's very daring.

Yeah, I went out on the limb with that one. Yeah, you really, I mean, you know, I'm making, because people say that they throw that shit around so much, but it's like, you really are going out on the limb for sure. with that show. And you can also see her in the film Apocalypse Clown or hear her as Buttercup in the reboot of the Powerpuff Girls.

That's awesome. That's right. That was my first big gig. Wow. Yeah. That's awesome. It was lucky. That's fantastic.

And she's a founding member of the Elysian Comedy Theater here in Los Angeles. And she was just doing her new show, which is going to New York, which is called We're. Yes. W-E-E-R. Yes. Yeah.

It's a play on misunderstanding in the show, but I don't want to spoil it. Right, right. Yeah. But it means we are, and then it also means something else. OK. I get it. Well, it also means it's a mispronunciation

of the word dear. OK. I just gave it away. That's all right. That's all right. Like how Elmer Fudd says wabbit. Well, it also means it's a mispronunciation of the word deer. Okay, I just gave it away. That's all right. Like how Elmer Fudd says wabbit. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm killing it. I'm hunting for we. Yeah, exactly. You do a good Elmer Fudd. Thank you. Thank you very much. You can understudy me.

Now, are you, is it a solo show again? It's a solo show, so I'm using an old Vaudevillian stick where I'm split down the middle, half man, half woman. Right. Aren't we all though? I know, yeah, we all got masculine, feminine energy. It's not 50-50 though, you know, for me at least. Yeah.

It's like 95 men. 5% little girl. Me too. Um, but yeah, so the whole time, it's a romantic tragedy that takes place New Year's Eve, 1999. So we're playing with Y2K, we're playing with a lot of 90s tunes, and I'm just flipping back and forth the whole time, pretty much just making out with myself for like an hour and a half.

It's fun. And making people pay for it. Big time. myself for like an hour and a half. It's fun. And making people pay for it. Big time. Making people pay to watch you make out with yourself. 30 bucks. Yes. Now this theme was inspired by you because the show Nate, and it seems like from what I've seen of the clips

of the show, Weir, it's a messy, messy job. Big cleanup, yeah. And in fact, didn't I see like an interview with one of your, with like the intern who has to clean up after you? That's, they're my stage manager. Yeah, they asked me if they could post some videos about the cleanup of the show.

I was like, go for it, yeah, why not? But yeah, Weir, it's funny because going into the process of making Weir, I was like, I'm gonna try to make this my cleanest show. And then of course it ends up being my messiest one. There's like, there's orange juice spilled everywhere, corn starch, fake blood. There's a couple showers or a couple rain scenes. So water everywhere.

There's some moments where a taxi splashes me. So I kick a bucket up and then there's a full-sized, well this is another spoiler, but people will forget by the time they see it, there is a full-sized deer that swings in. It's a great image. Nice, nice. Yeah, yeah. And you travel with a full-sized deer?

Well, I had to. The first time I went overseas with the show, I did have to bring the deer with me because I couldn't get it delivered overseas. They have, so it's a hunting decoy. Yeah. And it's just, yeah, a full-size, like realistic male buck or deer. Does it break down in any way?

It breaks down, yeah. The head comes off, the legs twist off. And it's only about 20 pounds. Oh, okay, that's not terrible. It's hollow, yeah, yeah. So I just took it in a big old duffel bag and it was on my merry way. And the customs just say, this is my husband. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Well, maybe, I mean, depending on the Collins, maybe we'll hear some duffel bags. You mentioned some Corp stuff. Yeah, we may. No, there was some Corp stuff, which is like, I imagine as cleanups go. This is the Tim Burton episode. We will hear some duffel bags. You mentioned some corpse stuff. Yeah, we may. You know, there was some corpse stuff, which is like, I imagine as cleanups go. This is the Tim Burton episode.

That's pretty bad. Yeah. So you've been traveling a lot. We were just talking about it. You've been touring the show and trying it out in different places. Do you, is your process, do you write the show in completion

and then, or do you do some improvisation to sort of like pad it out and figure out what's what? Yeah, so I developed the show over about a year's time and I start with just ideas for scenes that I outline and kind of beat out and then I invite an audience to come watch me develop it and I improvise my way through these scenes and then I just improvise it over and over again similar to like Second City

sure and just continually improvise until it becomes a script I always leave room for play in my shows but eventually I've done it so many times that it just becomes right solidified but I don't write anything down yeah no script I still don't have a script for any of my shows. Wow. It's all up here. Wow. If you can believe it.

She's got room. You've got to wear a helmet when you ride a bike then. Oh, tell me. I got hit by a motorcycle. What? In 2018. Wasn't wearing a helmet because I was just crossing the street. Yeah, yeah.

But... Yeah, you don't have... You're not expecting... Pedestrians aren't expecting... You're not expecting to get hit. Yeah, yeah. Wear a helmet. Yeah, but I looked both, you're not expect, pedestrians aren't. You're not expecting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I get hit. Yeah, but I looked both ways. Anyway, I made it, I survived.

Yeah, you're okay. You weren't injured very much or? It was a miracle. I like, I don't know if you've ever been in a major accident or anything, but you know how it goes like kind of slow-mo. Yeah, yeah. Everything slows down.

So I'm flying, I get hit by the bike, I'm flying through the air and I'm just thinking, oh fudge, you know, like I might die right now. And then I land on the ground, I had just bought this huge winter coat like two days before that must've just cushioned my fall. And the adrenaline was shooting through my body and I just stood straight up.

I had a concussion from the whiplash, but I didn't hit my head on anything luckily. So yeah, to be debated if there's still a few screws loose up there, but... Well, the text is still being hailed. Exactly. Yeah, one of my first days in college at the University of Illinois, I was not familiar with the concept of bike lanes. Oh yeah. And I just cut right across one

and a guy was going top speed and hit me. Oh my gosh. I didn't move and he completely wiped out and like the front of his bike, like the tire looked like a, you know, ruffles with ridges, like a potato chip. Holy crap. And I was like, I'm sorry.

You're made of steel. Like Jethro Bodine. Like sorry. Damn. Yeah, yeah. That's impressive. I don't know, I guess, you know, my inertia was stronger than his.

It's physics. Yeah, yeah. Wow. So. Lucky duck. And so you weren't injured? No, no, I was fine. Wow. So. Lucky duck. Yeah. So you weren't injured? No, no.

Oh my gosh. I was fine. I didn't, I felt terrible. Holy crap. I've never been hit by a bike since. Although in New York City, you never know. Well now you know you gotta look before you step off the sidewalk. I know, I know.

And if, yeah. Well, do you have, do you have any big clean up stories besides the messes that you've made that you're? Oh my gosh. That you have interns to clean up for you? Yeah, well now I hire people to help me because back in the day when my first solo show, Laid, I put about 30 eggs at my pants and throughout the show. It's about a woman who lays an egg every day.

It's very Beckety, kind of Sisyphean, where she continually, like, every day she wakes up and lays an egg and has to decide if she's gonna raise her child or eat it. Yes. Um, yeah, so anyways, I had to put a big tarp down on the stage because I was doing this festival all by myself. This is before I could afford anybody to help me.

And it was a 15-minute turnaround time at the Brighton French Festival. And this show, I have shaving cream all over the floor, fake blood again. And yeah, about 30 eggs, some green peppers, some hot sauce, you know, all the accoutrement. And I'm also cooking on stage too, so there's a hot plate. So at the end of the show, after I was done, you know, covered in egg and shaving cream and pudding. Yeah, yeah. I would just wrap everything up.

This is all the stage furniture and everything, the table, chairs, hot plate. Well, I unplugged it, of course. Yeah. And then just dragged it off the stage door. Wow. And that's how I, that's the only way I could clean that fast enough.

And before you clean yourself too. So you're like dragging it out in the alley covered in pudding. Oh yeah. You gotta, yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm dragging in the alley covered in pudding. Oh, yeah. You gotta... Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm dragging in the alley covered in pudding. Yeah. That's story of my life. And then when I was touring that show,

I was like, this was after the Brighton Fringe. I was going to London to do the Clown Festival there, the London Clown Festival. And I was at the train station again, just like hoisting all my props. I have this two huge suitcases. I'm carrying a chair and a table on my back. Jesus.

And then I'm wearing my egg costume. So I start the show as an egg. Yeah. So it's like a big stuffed egg. And then my nose started bleeding at the train station, holding all this stuff. And this woman came over to me and was trying to help me. And you know, she's giving me some tissues.

And I look at her, look up, and I'm like, oh, thank you. My face covered in blood. And her two-year-old just starts crying. So there's some clean-up stories. I don't want to be an actor, Mommy. Yeah. But good thing I scarred him. Nobody should go into this business.

No. He hasn't eaten an egg since. Yeah. Or chicken. Me neither. How about you? You have any clean-up stories? No, he hasn't eaten an egg since. Yeah. More chicken. Me neither. How about you? You have any cleanup stories?

You know, like I was trying to think of, of, you know, I was trying to think of like any, like really appalling, shocking ones and not, not terrible, you know, I mean, I, you know, there's, Oh my gosh. You know, the most recent one was we changed dog foods and I have a 125 pound dog and she's never pooped in the house ever. Yeah.

Oh, good girl. Except for this one time because there wasn't a dog door in the house we were living in at the time. Right. There wasn't a dog door in the house we were living in at the time. And she went in my daughter's room, like, half on the hardwood and half on, like, the interlocking foam play surface area. No. And it was horrific. It sounds horrendous.

It was really, really bad. Because on the play foam, I'm sure it kind of sinks into the crevices. Yes. We put them in the dishwasher. Oh, no. We rinsed them off and then put them in the dishwasher. That poor dishwasher. Yeah. Well, like I say, they were rinsed up.

But it was just awful because it was just. I mean, imagine being in the sink. And the poor dog, too. She was mortified and felt terrible. You know, it's like, they don't want to. I mean, some don't. Some are evil it's like, they don't want to. No. I mean, some don't. Some are evil and love shitting in the house.

Yeah. Some like to eat shit too. And they had a couple of those. Mm-hmm, they sure do. Yeah, I had a brother growing up, still got him, thankfully. Right. But you know- Have you checked today, are you sure?

I'll text him in a bit. All right. Yeah, just, you gotta check in on your people. You gotta make sure. Yeah, but he would, you know, you know, do his business and then not flush. And then my poor dog, she'd be like drinking out of the toilet. Oh my gosh, I don't even want to get into it. I feel like it's not appropriate for radio.

I have another really bad story, but it might be too much to share on the air. Yeah, that's, you know. Okay. Well, we'll be the judge of it after the fact, when it's too late. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah. So, it was at this time, I was doing these things called coffee enemas.

And it's supposed to be good for detox, and I'm kind of... Steve McQueen did them famously. Oh, did he? Okay, right on. Yeah, he did, yeah. so I was trying that out and I was getting pretty good at you know holding it in you had to you're supposed to hold it In for 15 minutes. It's like oh my god a quart of coffee, you know diluted coffee, but you got to hold it up there Yeah, in order for you know, it's a sink in or I don't know. I mean, are you walking around the house? I would think you're a little nervous. Yeah, you gotta be laying down. You gotta be laying down.

You're laying down on a towel in the bathroom in case there's any leakage. Right, right. But I was getting pretty comfortable doing them. And my housemate, you know, we were really comfortable with each other and she was super chill. And I had the bathroom door open

and I was talking to her after she came in from her night out. Yeah, yeah. As I was doing this coffee enema, trying to hold in all this coffee. And she started- And does she know what's going night out. Yeah, yeah. As I was doing this coffee enema, trying to hold in all this coffee. And does she know what's going on? She knows, yeah. She wasn't looking, you know,

but she's just talking to me, you know, out of eyesight. And she starts telling me this funny story, and I start laughing, and I was like, oh my gosh, no, you're making me laugh. And then, as I was laughing a little bit squirted out. And then that made me laugh harder. And then eventually it squirted all over the walls. In the bathroom, this coffee that was up my butt.

You know, all everywhere. And yeah, that was quite, but I just couldn't stop laughing. You know, it's just a vicious cycle, like the more you laugh. Yeah. Well, at least the person you share the bathroom with was there to witness it. She was under, yeah. And to know like, oh no.

Yeah, it's funny now, you know, years later on the other side of it, yeah. Oh, that would be terrible. Yeah, but it was quite a terrible cleanup. Did you find these coffee enemas were beneficial? I found them very helpful. And what were they alleviating? Fatigue.

So I found out I had Lyme disease. Oh, OK. But I didn't know at the time. So I was just trying a bunch of weird stuff that my integrative medicine doctor was telling me to try this, try this. Do you think it's just because of the contact of the caffeine in your, cause you know, like that's a way to take drugs is enemas.

Yeah, I'm sure that has something to do with it. It's supposed to cleanse your liver. Oh. But I don't know the science behind it. If you can believe it, I'm not a scientist. Yeah. But yeah, hey, try it if you want. Oh, I don't know. It sounds dangerous.

If you're bored. It sounds dangerous. I'd do it in the yard, maybe. Yeah, well, you gotta make sure it's cooled down to room temp. Otherwise, very dangerous. Well, if it's a cold day, it might be pleasant. I guess so, yeah. Damn.

Nothing wrong with a hot beverage. Let's go to the phones. Let's do it. Speaking of phones, 855-266-2604 is the number here. First up, we got a caller from Michigan. We got John. Hello. Hi, John.

You have Natalie and Andy here. Hey. Hello, Natalie. Hello, Andy. How are you? Good, thanks. How are you? Well, hunky dory over here.

Nice. Nice. Yeah. So should I just get into it or what? Yeah, yeah. Well, hunky-dory over here. Nice. Nice. Yeah. So, should I just get into it or what? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we're, you know, we're all friends here. We don't need a lot of preamble.

Fly, fly. Sounds good to me. Okay, well, about 25-ish years ago, right around the turn of the century, I was teaching preschool and I ran a four and five year old class so kids getting ready for kindergarten and this one day the teacher who ran the two three year old classroom went home sick at lunch and I was director told me to go over and cover that and she would cover my classroom. So I went over there, snap time, kids are getting up, getting snacks,

getting their diapers changed. And I have an aide who's doing all the diapering and a fairly precocious child who liked to play with their diaper and the items they're in got loose. And as I'm prepping to teach a lesson I catch out of the corner of my eye a blur and then when I turn my head I see that this child has their hand and they have covered an entire wall and they have already turned the corner and are covering another wall to the third corner as I cut them off and I pick them up because I have to stop this from happening. Yeah.

I am now holding this small child who is thrashing and carrying them back to the diapering area. At this point, they are flinging feces around. Oh. And then, you know, kids are heavy and you're holding them straight out It's yeah, yeah, cuz you don't want it. You definitely don't want that that thing near your face. No Unfortunately her arms are still free and so I am also being touched all over Far away from me Get them I get them back to the diapering area where the aid refuses to help.

How dare she? I write, but I eventually after about 10 seconds of arguing I realized I can't argue this anymore and I literally shove the child into the AIDS arm. And then I have to quickly go and scrub myself because the kids are unsupervised at this point. Yes, yes. And, uh, scrub myself, get gloves. I have to track down every cleaning supply because we don't have a custodian or a centralized closet of cleaning.

Um, and I start scrubbing a wall and I'm trying to also direct kids to go to the rug and get ready for the lesson don't move though it's very confusing for two-year-olds right right move then still stay still yeah yes and while I stop. Yeah, yeah. Yes. And while I'm getting about maybe a third of the first wall done, I turn and there is another child in the book area. No.

And this child proceeds to projectile vomit. Oh! Exorcist style. And I'm talking five feet straight out right onto the bookshelf it was the slatted like bookshelf where it's like steps kind of and it is cascading down into each lower shelf Wow John from Michigan oh my gosh and of course the aid refuses to help with that too. Jesus. I am trying to both clean eventually, but not after this.

For other reasons. But I was so then I had to abandon the feces wall and get all of the vomit books out of the room because the smell was unimaginable. Yeah, yeah. Yikes. It was just atrocious. I am literally opening a door and just throwing things outside and trying to get to it later.

I have to carry the bookshelf. Luckily, it's not attached to anything. And I'm trying not to spill it and trying to get that outside. There's kids running around there trying to talk. And I was very lucky that a parent came in to pick up a child early, saw what was occurring, went to their car, got their guitar,

and then did a little sing along for the next 45 minutes. Got their guitar. Wow. So that I could clean all three walls of feces and. Sing along amidst the shit. I love that like you walk in, you see that there's shit smeared everywhere,

puke everywhere, children running wild, let me get my guitar. Yeah. I know what's necessary. Not a mop, my guitar. Yeah. Yeah. Although in that case, it probably did mollify them.

It did keep the kids occupied for long enough that we were able to get someone else to come in the room and take over while I had to clean. That was one of the most atrocious hours of my life. Oh my god that sounds just off. Are you still in the toddler business or? I have gotten, I've graduated from the toddler business and now I'm in the third grade business. Okay, well that's better. Any more of that happening or, you know,

is that a one-off thing? You know, not on purpose. Yeah, it's not happening on purpose. Yeah, they're a little more in control by that point. Yeah, but they still like to play in the bathroom and that is a problem. Yes, yes. I'm curious, do you think the vomit was caused by, you know, the stench and the site of feces or do you think they were separate, you know, incidents or did one cause? Just a lucky coincidence. Yeah, yeah. I don't think they were related. Really?

Wow. Yeah. Well, the other child that had a history of head injuries, so I think maybe they had another concussion. Oh my gosh. Poor kid in preschool that had a history already of multiple head injuries? Yeah, he had to wear a helmet. I feel real bad.

Oh my God. Yikes. We were just talking about needing to wear a helmet when you're walking around. Yeah, he had to wear a helmet. I feel real bad. Oh my god. Yikes, we were just talking about needing to wear a helmet when you're walking around. Yeah, yeah. Guess you do need to wear one sometimes. You do. You do. Please. Well, John, thank you for the call.

Thank you. Thank you, and I'm glad you lived through that. I do. I would never go back to it, though. What a story. All right. Thanks, John. All right. go back to it though. What a story. Alright, thanks John. Alright. Thank you. Take care. Yes, you too.

Yeah, kids are... That's one thing I think like people don't realize like just how much kids are just like bags of leaking fluids. Oh yeah, big time. And sometimes, like when my son was little, on a long flight, he threw up down my ex-wife's back. No, down the back! And there's nothing to do, it's not like, you know. Yeah, you're on a plane. Yeah, it's like, she goes and gets paper towels

and I kind of like wipe up underneath the shirt and stuff. Oh my gosh. And it's just, and then you just got like milky puke smell. Yikes. It's not, yeah, it was unfortunate. And you have a little one right now. I have a five year old now, yeah, yeah. So far there's nothing, you know,

nothing like too disgusting. Oh, nothing too traumatic. Well, you know how to handle it now. Yeah, oh no, and yeah, no, I'm an old pro, but I mean, but she also too, she's not like, I can't think of anything that's been like, you know, particularly messy, you know, I'm an old pro, but I mean, but she also too, she's not like, I can't think of anything that's been like, particularly messy or anything. Oh wow, what an angel.

I mean, no, she's, you know, I mean, she'll shit her pants and everything. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she's a normal kid. But when she's got, you know, the right accoutrement on. Right, right. Yeah. She hasn't pooped her pants in ages, but she still will.

She's going through a phase now, and this happens, because all these developmental things with kids, they just think they're over a hurdle, and then they regress. You know, that's just a very common thing. Way of life. Yeah, and lately she's been going, and also too, just like emotionally,

there's like these sort of waves. And lately she's been really oppositional. Like just no to everything and everything's a fucking negotiation and struggle, struggle, struggle. And she's lately been peeing herself because she's just like, and I know it's because she's like, she's playing,

her body says, hey, I gotta pee. And she's like, she's playing, her body says, hey, I gotta pee. And she's like, well, I don't wanna go, you know? And then she just pees herself. And she's still a little too comfortable. Right, right. Peeing herself. And she doesn't realize that if she does pee herself, she has to leave then.

No, well, she doesn't, no, she doesn't. Oh, she doesn't. I picked her up from school yesterday. No. Yeah, and when I picked her up, I picked her up and she was on the playground, she walked up to me and she went, I peed my pants.

No. And I was like, how much? She goes like, not a lot, just a little. Wow. And I was like, well, go sit on the toilet before we get in the car. And she's like, I don't have to, I don't have to, go sit on the toilet.

And then she sits on the toilet and I'm standing in this school bathroom, so in their classroom there's no doors on it. And they're like little kid toilets. And just cute little tiny toilets. She's sitting on the toilet and I'm standing around the corner and she goes like, oh, you were right.

I really had to go. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, I'm glad. That's Sadie having to wash your car seat yet again. Oh my gosh, yikes. All right, let's go to George. George from Connecticut. Hey, George.

Hey, how you guys doing? Good, how are you? I'm doing all right. I'm at work right now, so this is fantastic. Yeah, right, come on. On the company dime, tell us about, tell us about your shit, blood, piss, whatever it is, right. Come on on the company dime. Tell us about, tell us about, you know, your shit blood piss, whatever it is.

Yeah, it was my dog. I was 17 and I just gotten home from driving 24 hours with some friends. They dropped me off around 430 in the morning. About an hour later, my mom is banging on my door and the dog had gotten out, came home with somebody's rooster and was dismantling it in the front yard. I was tasked with going and cleaning that up and there's the dog. She was a Samoyed, so pure white, with her whole face in front and paws covered in blood. Started tearing this thing apart. There are feathers everywhere. I know I didn't find the head. Which is weird, but I remember that.

Yeah, when she pooped out a beak. Yeah. And it was the matter of trying to hide the dog because, uh, you know, I didn't know who's what neighbors she got it from. Right. And, uh, didn't want to get in trouble for that. Then, uh, she just loved it though. And I got the feathers cleaned up. It was just a rake and a shovel and, uh, the rest of the carcass out into the woods, but, uh, not expected. And again, I know my pajamas doing this in the front yard. This is the middle of the night? This is just after sunrise by the time I got out.

Oh, I see. Wow. Yeah. So then about a year and a half later, I'd been out visiting a friend. I got home around 2.30 in the morning and there's a dog on her run and she killed a groundhog. Oh run. She strikes again. She strikes again. Serial killer. Her face is completely covered in everything. Her front paws are a mess. She's smiling like hell and it's like oh my god I gotta clean this up. My mom's gonna have a fit. Yikes. So I went and got a shovel and a rake again. As I'm starting to clean up, I realized she'd opened this thing up pretty good. And there were

guts strung out about 10 feet from the groundhog back into it. And I was like, what do I do with this? And I shoveled it up, I guess. But yeah, just a little surprise from this, pure white dog with a completely bloody face. The history of carcasses. The dog interested in eating them or was it just a play thing? Like they didn't, cause that happens. Yeah, yeah, that happens with dogs that are well fed.

They still have the killing instinct, but they don't really Think to eat it. Yeah, my my current dog likes to catch The chipmunks and little things and as soon as he catches it that says he's done. Yeah. Yeah That's the whole point. Yeah Yeah Yeah, well, that's yeah. Dogs in the country too. That's yeah. That's, that's yeah. When you have to clean up guts, that's asking a lot from your sweet little creature. Yeah. The poop and everything that comes with the territory, the guts in the

dark with a porch light. That was, uh, what was the blood bath like after you had to give her a bath? So I'm assuming it was kind of a blood bath? Yeah, pretty much. I mean, she didn't mind. See what I did there? Yeah, yeah. More attention, you know, but in a way, it kind of stayed and eventually it just sort of faked out or whatever. But, you know, there's a good reminder there for at least a month of what she had done. Did your neighbor ever catch on that maybe your dog had snooped around the chicken coop?

No. Really? No, thankfully. Wow. Yeah. Well, maybe they were just nice about it. Well, they're going to know now. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, country dogs, our dog, we had a golden retriever and we lived down the street from a cattle farm and it was the country. And so you just let your dog out, you know, and then they'd come back and the dog would come back. Nobody walked their dogs, there was no leashes. And she would go roll in cow shit. I mean, be covered in cow shit from head to toe.

And so you had to kind of pay attention as she was, cause you know, you let the dogs at the door, you let them in and it was like, you had to really be like, look every time to make sure she wasn't covered in shit. And just like really happy. Real like just because it's an urge to cover their own scent. You know, that's apparently what the motivation behind it is. It's strange that they don't mind their own scent.

I had another dog that would roll in goose shit. Yeah, yeah. And get a big smear of it down her face and all the way down her chest. Goose exclusively? Just be happy. She had a thing. She had a thing for goose shit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

She was a connoisseur. Wow. Everybody's got a taste for something. That's true. Well, George, thank you so much. Hey, thank you. All righty. You have a good day.

You too. I feel like his dog's going to kill another one. You know, rule of three. Yeah. When they're good at killing, they're good at killing. Yeah. We had, when I first moved back to LA in 2001, there was a neighborhood cat, we lived out in the Palisades, and there was a neighborhood cat that nobody seemed to own,

but I think different people fed it, but it kind of came to us, and it would come into our house all the time and we'd have to be like, no, no, no. And I would have kept him, but my ex-wife was allergic, very allergic. But he used to bring me, I'd be sitting in the backyard

and he used to bring me, you know, gophers. Yeah, and one time I was sitting, like working at the outdoor table and he came and he brought offering me, you know, gophers. Yeah, and one time I was sitting, like working at the outdoor table and he came and he brought me a rat and he put it down at my feet and I was like, no, thank you. And then he proceeded to take it into the grass. And the first thing he did is like he had a whole system.

He nipped off the tail and threw it away and then ate everything, everything, but the shoulder blades, the front legs, and the head. What? Everything. And was so full that he passed out and slept for like three hours in one spot. Wow, oh my gosh. A lot to digest.

Yeah, it was, but it was like at least, because I mean we had dogs that would, or cats that would kill things, but they weren't just like, at least like this rat became protein. Yeah, yeah, at least he didn't let it go to waste. I know, it's despicable, those dogs wasting. These pets, hampered killers.

Spoiled. David, are you there? David from Minnesota. I am here, How are you doing? Good, thanks. You got Natalie Palamedes, Andy Richter. Hey Natalie. And I hear you got another dog story for us. Yeah, so like you, I'm a dog owner, dog lover.

One of the grosser habits that dogs have is they eat their own poop. Yes. And there's nothing you could do about it. And it's not bad for them, but it's just a bad habit. Yeah, yeah. So we were kind of, we were lazy. We weren't cleaning up the dog poop, so they were getting into it.

So I started cleaning it up and I started putting it in a bin. And then each week you take it out and replace it, right? Right. So we had this puppy, he's about one years old. And I left him outside, you know, in our backyard, whatever. Right. So we had this puppy, he's about one years old and we, I left him outside, you know, in our backyard, whatever. And it turns out I had left the poop bin open and I caught him.

He was just chowing down that I had put in there. I yelled at him. I was so mad. It was really, really gross. Yeah. And I shut the lid. I know I'll never make that mistake again. Brought him inside was relaxing. And then shut the lid. I know I'll never make that mistake again. Brought him inside, was relaxing. And then about an hour later, he starts like doing that puke sound that dogs do. Oh, and too much. Yep. He vomited all that poop on the floor. Oh, it was disgusting.

These stories. I was like cleaning it up with rags. And what there wasn't there's not a great way to clean that. No! Oh my God. There's, there isn't, there's one good method is to move. Just sell the house. I couldn't move, I couldn't move.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, and I was cleaning it up and I was gagging. I almost added to it, but I held strong. Yeah. I cleaned it up, put it away, and luckily he also puked on the hardwood floor. It wasn't like the carpet. That was in the nightmare scenario.

But he was he was close. He didn't quite do it. But I've never forgotten that. Like that's just burned in my memory. And it's yeah, that is just one of the biggest downsides. The dog's right there, man. That is absolutely disgusting. If your dog is mental, I guess.

Yeah. I mean. He is mental. He's something else. I saw on social media once, there was some, I think it was like a bulldog and it was wearing a mask at the dog park and then they'd made a shirt for it that just said,

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, you know, whatever. I'm not aggressive. I have to I'm not, you know, whatever. I'm not aggressive. I have to wear this mask because I eat poop. Oh! Like just, I think it was like, because I'm an idiot and I like to eat poop. That's so sweet. Yeah, just standing with this mask on.

Man, it's crazy. I could get my dog that. Yeah, yeah. He's gross like that. All these combo stories with the poop and the vomit. They seem to go hand in hand. Absolutely. Well, that's, people understand that the Andy Richter Carlin show, you can't just come with

one bodily function. You got to double up. Big time. Big time. Well, thank you, David. I'm glad you lived through that. Yeah, stay strong. Stay strong.

Yes. Tell the dog to get, stop eating that poop. I'm glad you lived through that. Yeah, stay strong. Stay strong. Tell the dog to stop eating that poop. The dog's like, hey, there's still some nutrients in there. I mean, if the dog's gonna eat the poop, why buy the food? Yeah, right, exactly. 855-266-2604 if you want to get in on this, on this poo and shit and puke fest. Allie from the UK, hello. Hey, my name's Allie. I'm from Bristol in the UK. Oh, this is voicemail. And my story is about coming out for the birthday party. So I was in Sardinia with a group of friends.

Nice. And while we were there, we had a thing about eels. You know, the long things, kind of sea snakes. Got no legs. Very interesting. Loved them. Sang songs about them. Mildly obsessed.

Don't know why. But for my friend's birthday, we were at the supermarket getting stuff for a barbecue and they had eels on the fish counter. We thought that would be a brilliant surprise. So came back and handed her a bag of eels. Except the bag started squirming and wriggling and whipping about. And we realized we'd just handed her a bag of live eels. So then we needed to figure out what on earth to do with them.

How do we clean those up? So thought we could release them in the pool. But what about chlorine? Thought about driving to the beach, but that was too far. And then we realized they might actually be dead and just kind of muscles spasming from being in the warm. And a friend pointed out that we should probably put them out of their misery now, whether they are alive or dead. And that to honor them, because we love deals, we should skin them and barbecue

them and eat them because that is only right. Well, they are tasty. So he disappeared off with a large meat cleaver and came back quite a long time later with a haunted look in his eye and quite a lot of eel blood on his shirt and no eels. So we didn't ask questions and now we don't really talk about eels anymore. Wait, what? But I think the moral of the story is

Just gonna leave us on a cliffhanger? Go give your friend a bag of eels on their birthday. But wait, what happened to the eels? What? Ali! Ali! How dare you? Seriously! I won't sleep tonight. I know, leave us on the cliffhanger with no follow-up episode. Oh my gosh. Eels are really hard to cling to. Oh, are they? Yeah, I've seen, I mean, I've never done it myself, but like you have to, I've seen things where you're like, hammer a nail through its head on the board and then pull the skin off with pliers. Whoa.

It's very difficult to... Yeah, this guy just had a meat cleaver. Yeah, it was just a meat cleaver. You know what I'm curious about is like why,... So, they were... She said they loved eels, but why were they giving their friend a bag of eels? To cook. Oh, to cook, and it just happened to be alive. I would think, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why wouldn't it? They were probably on ice, so they probably had sort of like become sort of, you know, unconscious. And then, like she said, as they warmed up, they probably came back to life. Wow, then you gotta just... I mean, you gotta club it, right?

Isn't that what they do in restaurants? Yeah, yeah. Something? Yeah, yeah. Or, I mean, you should have been able to get them with a meat cleaver. Right. You know, but I don't know what, I don't know what he,

you know. So he just never explained? I just, I just, it sounds- He went all sweetie, sweetie-taught on their asses? Yeah, or it sounds like maybe he, you know, had a crisis of conscience. Yeah. And then it just, you know, which you can't.

Once the killing starts, you gotta become a killer. You gotta go. Yeah, you gotta follow through. You gotta go through with it. You get that hatchet in your hand and you start chopping. I mean, big, I mean, yeah. I mean, yeah. It sounds intense, but I mean, I think it's for, it's for the best for everybody. Put them out of their misery.

You can't like half kill something, then it's gonna be struggling. Absolutely. Yeah. Have you ever seen the movie, The Tin Drum? Tin Drum, no, should I put it on the list? I mean, it's an amazing, it's a German movie and it's Yerzy Kaczynski. Oh, okay.

Who like, survived World War II basically as a child on his own. Whoa. If you believe his own story. And it's sort of like a fantastical version of his life, you know, kind of. Is it German Expressionism? Kind of, yeah.

Oh, nice. I don't remember who directs it, but it's a famous 70s movie. And the story is about a child that decides to not grow old. Like, so he just stays a child. Oh, Peter Pan and his team. But there is an eel scene in that movie that is- Oh, is this visual reference for the film?

Yeah, there, oh yeah, he's bringing it up. There's an eel scene in the movie that's pretty, if you wanna see, if you to lose your taste for eels, check out the Tin Drum. Anyway, you know, you get cinema tips here too. Yeah, nice. A little bit of everything. Yep.

We got Jim from Iowa. Hello, Jim. Hi, Andy. How are you doing? Oh I'm doing pretty good today. Natalie's here too. Howdy. Hi Natalie. Hey Jim. So tell us your messy cleanup story. Well I had got tired of paying for the ink cartridges for our printer. Yeah. So I bought a refill kit and I refilled some cartridges. Well one of them, the blue ink was leaking. So my wife took it out and it was sitting on the desk and I saw it and I thought, well, I didn't get the plug in right.

So I'm walking down the hall towards our living room and I got my feet tangled somehow and I went down and blue ink went everywhere in the living room, on the furniture, on the wall, covered in it. My wife watching me and she's, are you all right? Don't worry about me. You know, let's clean the zinc up. Well, we had taken the carpet out and put in hardwood floors just a few weeks before so that we were lucky there but anyway Later on that day I couldn't walk and so we went to the emergency room In Cedar Rapids and I found out I had a broken Vibula

Everybody was asking me. How come you're so blue? Well, I've got an imagination And I said well we were partying with the Smurfs and I got with Lady Smurf and I got her going so well. She squirted blue. Oh! Oh, Jim! Oh. Oh my gosh.

Before, it was a slow night in the emergency room and I had everybody coming in there and looking at me before it was done. So I had the result taken away from me. I don't know where it went. Oh my gosh. Yep. Oh.

I'm smurfing. I'm smurfing. Yes. Oh, jeez. Somebody's going to clip that. I'm going to make up a good story. Yeah, yeah. It's better than- Getting tangled up and falling isn't that great.

Yeah, it's better than colloidal silver overdose because that'll do it too. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Some cults know about that. Yeah, that's for sure. Well, thanks, Jim. Yeah, my wife still won't let me have a reshow, kid. Well, she's probably jealous of Lady Smurf. Right, thanks Jim. Yeah, my wife still won't let me have a reshow. Okay. Well, she's probably jealous of Lady Smurf. Yeah, spend for the brand name.

You know, he lets me out once in a while without my ankle monitor. Nice. And I've got a t-shirt that says in my defense I was left unsupervised. Ah, you're classic Jim. All right. Thank you, Jim. Oh, you're classic, Jim. All right. Thank you, Jim. Oh, yeah. Thank you. All righty. You guys keep up the good work. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

All right. Just, yeah, ink. Ink is a... Messy thing. How long, yeah, how long do you stay blue is a thing, too. Well, I mean, it stains you. Yeah, yeah. You know? That Smurf story reminds me of, I accidentally, when's danger. Yeah, yeah. You know? That Smurf story reminds me of,

I accidentally, when I was in high school, watched porn for the first time because it was when people just started posting videos and stuff to their Zanga. It was like a live journal type thing. And my friend posted this video that was like Smurf porn, but I just thought it was like a live-action reenactment of the Smurfs. Oh, so it was people in blue and knit. Yeah, and I thought it was a

sketch, so I clicked in. It was the first time that I was exposed to something triple X, and yeah, it was the two Smurfs. And is it imprinted on you now? Yeah, it's burned into my memory. Only Scooby-Doo parodies and... Yeah, yeah. That's my thing. Hey, everybody has their thing. Yeah, come on, you know. That's what they have feel for, you know? You can put in your niche.

Want some desires. Before we go any further, could you put on that SpongeBob outfit for me, please? Hey, something for everybody. Yeah, no, no, I don't judge. I don't judge. I don't yuck your yum. Thank you.

Ben, Ben's calling from Philly. Hi, Andy. Hi, Ben. Yeah, I sure can. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm on the show. Hey, Natalie, how are you doing? Hey, Ben, good to talk to you. Oh man.

So a little bit of a backstory. I'm a caregiver, I've been a caregiver for about seven years. I'm actually out in the field right now. I got like a few clients ahead of me, but yeah I just wanted to get this quick short story out. I worked in Norristown some years ago and there was this guy, I met with my manager at the time. She introduced me to him. He was a heavy set dude. And I'll tell you, it wasn't the best of conditions. But I mean, he needed transport to his appointment. And the first thing she wanted me to do my manager was to dump five pee bottles full of urine.

That, um, cause unfortunately he can't even get to the toilet and he has a Hoyer lift, but the, the problem is this hallway had so many tight turns and I'll tell you when I was pouring that stuff out into the toilet, I I mean I was trying to hold my breath yeah trying to gag a lot of asparagus yeah well and it's well aged too so the smell becomes stronger yeah yeah I was just thinking that it was like spoiled apple juice or like you you know, expired apple juice turned into like apple cider or angry orchard. Really? Yeah. Yeah, no, it was that was a fun time.

Like I was trying to maneuver him around these corners and he had like an ex-girlfriend that he lived with. And oh man, she was no help at all. She was just looking from the distance and she was like, oh yeah, you do what you got to do. I mean, I'll just be here. Wow, the ex. I'm right here. Solid for every pot. It'd be a little bit, uh, it'd be nice to have a little bit of help of Chris, you know, just to... Yeah, yeah. Could you help me out with the piss bottles? Well, she got off that bus a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. She's like, look, that, yeah, I don't, I don't do that anymore. Yeah, probably for good reason. Right, right.

The reason she's the ex. Yeah. She didn't want to dump the piss. That's right. Yeah, man. And I mean, I'll tell you, after all that, getting them out into the rain, it was raining that day too. I mean, I couldn't get any better. On top of all that. Yeah. And I mean, he was like, oh, you know what? I'll pay you $20 per hour on the side. And I get a lot of different clients that tell me that because, you know,

I'm a guy that likes to make sure that everything is done because it takes a certain personality to do the job that I do. Oh, absolutely. The patience is unbelievable. Oh yeah. I've seen so many different people and they've, I've learned all sorts of unique, crazy backstories. And I mean, you know, this was just one of the few guys in Norristown that was like,

you know, oh, let me just hop you on board this train that you can get easy money, you know, just on the side, you know, I'm going to tell anybody. Um, you know, I was a, you know, I was like a few years in, I was like, ah, I think I'll probably be reporting my bar. Wait, are they proposing you help them with some sort of illegal activity? No, no, it was no, just like, they just wanted me to sign on as like a caregiver,

like, you know, but just by the table. But off the books. Under the table. I see, I see, okay. Yeah, and I was like, you know, I just stick to books under the table. I see. I see. Okay. Yeah. And I was like, you know, I just stick to what I know best. I'm glad to just, you know, stick to following my superior's orders and, you know, not really get into all that nonsense and all that. I mean,

why I've seen all sorts of stuff. Like there was only one time where I feel like I've refused a shift. I walked into this guy's place. I think it was in Lansdale. The place was so dirty. Like there was all sorts of critters, any critter you could imagine. Really? Crawling all over the kitchen. And all I had to do was just stay there for an hour, give them medicine. But, um, yeah, no, I, I had to do was just stay there for an hour, give them medicine. But yeah. Wow.

Rooster. Yeah. I wanted to get out of there so badly. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you for your service. Yes. Yes, Ben. Thank you for your work.

It takes a special someone to do that job. And I speak from experience of having hired people to do that kind of job. So thank you. Oh, yeah, of course. I mean, I'm and I'm still doing it, you know. All right. But it's got to do. Yep. All right. Well, thanks for calling.

Oh, happy to. Yeah, have a great day. Bye bye. All right. Let's go to our next caller. Let's see. This is I think, yeah, we'll make this our last call. I don't want to put any pressure on you, Mark, but you're our last call, so make it a good one. Well, I'm still trying to get the cream and sugar for Natalie's coffee, but just for her chaser.

Right, right. Yeah, you know, so those poor kids from Michigan that went to the John, that was kind of my story but I actually had another one which is actually worse and it has nothing to do with poop anymore. Oh, nice. It's broken mirrors. Something fresh. How you like that? All right.

Okay, so yeah, so I'm following my guys from a job site and we got these four foot by eight foot mirrors that were supposed to deliver to this dance studio and they're in the back of his truck all tied up. Everything is looking good. He makes a right turn onto the main road and the rope snaps and all the mirrors go sliding out and of course they're tempered glass so they just turn into a huge mountain of sparkling glass mess. Yeah like the way a car window would. Oh yeah yeah you gotta think these are four foot by eight foot mirrors and they all just completely shatter so So now you've got about, I'd say, six inches thick

of mirrored glass across two lanes of traffic. Whoa. He takes off, and I stop, because I'm behind him, and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, what am I gonna do here? So I had some shovels in my brooms in the back of my car, so I get out and I proceed to push it out of the way. The police show up, gives me a ticket for obstructing traffic and for littering. Oh my God. Come on.

I didn't even know that I did, but I said, I didn't know this guy. I saw this glass fall out of this truck and I'm trying to help you out. Yeah. And he goes, I saw this glass fall out of this truck and I'm trying to help you out. Yeah. And he goes, no, he goes, you wouldn't have had these tools if you, if you weren't prepared. What? And so, yeah. Oh my gosh. So I actually had to pay those tickets.

Oh, I would have taken that to the Supreme Court. Yeah. Did you go to court for it? Yes, I did. And they said, fuck you. Well, so what happens is you go to court and of course the first thing you have arraigned then you say, not guilty. Yeah. And then they said for a court date you're going to come back on another date.

What? Come back on the other date and you hope that the police doesn't show up. Right, right. Well, he decides he wants to show up. And he says, I saw the vehicle stop right. Well, he decides he wants to show up. And he says, He shows up. I saw the vehicle stop right, yeah, he showed up and he said, I saw the vehicle stop right afterwards and he right away got to the back of his car and he started to clean the stuff up the road.

Yeah, because you're a good citizen. And I'm, in fact, I'm sitting there going, wait a second here, I'm not the one who did this. I, no. And I said that, I said, I didn't even know who this person was. I'm not the one who did this. And I said that, I said, I didn't even know who this person was. I lied, but still it's like, now the worst part. So I had to show up at the dance studio. Yeah.

I had to show up at the dance studio who were supposed to be getting these mirrors, who were donated mirrors. Oh. And then I end up having to basically foot the bill to pay for the mirrors that were supposed to be donated to cover the walls of the dance studio. Oh, boy. Oh, man. And what about the guy, did the guy drive in the truck just take off because he was like, oh, fuck it, I don't want anything to do with this.

Or when you're day laborers, day laborers, right, right. And I did talk to him afterwards and he said he just got scared. He got scared and didn't know what to do. I said, well, you didn't know what to do. Why didn't you stop? I didn't know what to do. And so he took off. Yeah, it's not called. It's not called fight or stop. It's fight or flight. And he, you know, there was nothing to fight, you know.

Yeah, so he had to fight. It was just fine. Yeah, there was a lot of bad luck for all those mirrors. This would last all the time, I thought it would, but... It was an expensive, nice gesture. I get all that. Wow. Hey Natalie, I just found your cream and sugar.

Oh, thank you. Cream and sugar anima sounds good right now. Swing by this afternoon. We're about done, so I've got some time. Little afternoon pick me up. Alright Mark, thank you so much for the call. All righty, you have a good one. See you, bud.

All right, Natalie, thank you so much. Thanks for having me. We always pick a favorite, and I think there's a runaway, just like the way that that child ran away with his hands full of shit. Yeah, yep, that's what I was gonna say. The preschool story.

We're aligned, I mean, nothing beats it. Followed up with projectile vomiting. Yeah, yep. That's what I was gonna say. The preschool story. We're aligned, I mean, nothing beats it. And then followed up with projectile vomiting. Yeah, I mean, come on. Chef's piss. Seriously, I mean, you can't write that stuff. No, it was really good. I mean, you could, but people would be like, what's wrong with you?

Yeah. Why are you thinking this much about children shitting? Yeah, you're twisted. Yeah, what the fuck, dude? Well, Natalie, you've got to, I mean, you've got the special Nate, which is still on Netflix, which is fucking hilarious and you people should really check it out.

Thanks, Andy. Anything else? Can people check a website so they can find your dates? Yeah, I'm on Instagram at Natalie Palamides and yeah, I'll be in New York City with my show in the fall. So keep your eyes peeled. All right. Well, thank you so much again for coming in.

Thank you. And thank all of you out there for listening. I'll be back next week with more of this. And you should stick around right now. Lori Kilmartin is going to play you some clips on her show, Stand Up on Conan. Bye. Nice. on Conan. Bye!