The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Nick Kroll & Andrew Rannells: New Parent Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: June 6, 2025

Nick Kroll and Andrew Rannells from the new film “I Don’t Understand You” join Andy Richter to hear your new parent stories! It's a hilarious and chaotic episode of The Andy Richter Call-In Show, filled with diaper disasters, an infant medical quirk that baffled a new dad, and wildcard stories! Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hi everybody! This is a really fun episode of the Andy Richter Collins show because usually it's just me and one person, and the power dynamic is very me-centered. Like, I can be very bullying to the guest, but today, they're ganged up on me. I have Nick Kroll and Andrew Rannells here,

and so, like, I've already been pantsed twice. Yes, but we're gentle bullies. Yes. Gentle. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We do good bully, bad bully. Yeah.

Yeah. Good bully is my, like, I want to marry the good bully. Yeah. You know, I may have already. By the way, I love, we all have a type. Yeah, yeah. Very excited for, just a quick plug for Paramount Plus, The Good Bully, a new show coming.

The Good Bully. The Good Bully, yeah. Every other Wednesday. He bullies other bullies. Yeah. It's like Dexter, but for bullies. Yeah, for kids. We could sell that right now.

It's for Nick. We'll do it for Nick Jr. on Paramount Plus here on SiriusXM. All right, well, now this is especially because we're taping today. so don't call in people. Or call in, I don't know, I don't know what your life is. But you guys are here to promote a movie. Yes. Which is, you know, a romantic comedy

between the two of you. And tell us about it. Because nobody, I don't have my sheet in here. I don't want to call Sean out, but Sean. We don't have our sheet either. Someone was supposed to provide us with. We don't, yeah, this is one of those. What film was this?

It's called I Don't Understand You. I Don't Understand You. And yes, Nick and I play a couple who are trying to go through the adoption process to adopt a child. We are in the middle of a vacation, an Italian vacation when we get- In Italy.

In Italy. I know. When we find out that we are indeed- An Italian vacation in Adgerin. Yes, in Ohio. But we find out we're actually gonna get a baby and we're very excited. Not just anybody's baby.

Amanda Seyfried's baby. Amanda Seyfried's baby. Oh. So that baby can sing. Wow. That baby can cry. That baby can sing. That baby can act.

Yeah, yeah. Baby can cry. That baby can play the little. Yeah, she plays that sideways guitar. Yeah, she played it on Fallon. Right, right. So the baby is talented. she played it on Fallon. Right, right. So the baby is talented. Quick plug for Jimmy Fallon show.

Up next. Tonight show on NBC. On NBC. Every night. Every night. For the rest of time. Wherever you are. Yeah, yeah. You can't avoid it.

But wait, here's a twist. We're gonna get that baby, and then we... And then some shit goes down. We might be involved in some murder. There's murder? Murder. That's my favorite. I say, yes, murder please.

Yes. Well, now is Amanda Seyfried playing herself? No, she's acting as somebody else. Oh, that's boring. It would be amazing if it was two guys going on a time vacation and they find out they're gonna get Amanda Seyfried's baby. It would be amazing if it was two guys going on a time vacation and they find out they're going to get Amanda Seyfried's baby.

She's just randomly giving him. Is it too late for that rewrite? No, we can fix it in post. We can still fix it in post. It's mostly ADR. It's fine. It's ADR. Just that she'd take nine months out of her career

to have a baby that she's then just going to give away. Yeah. She's close to the filmmakers. They decided to do it. But it is based on Brian Crano and David Craig, who directed it, our couple. It's loosely based on a couple of things that happened in their life.

Not murder. Yes. Or wait and watch. You don't know that. They're not going to tell you. They're not going to tell you. And yeah, so we ran around. We shot in Italy for a while.

And right? How long were you there? It felt Italy for a while. And, right? How long were you there? We were there. It felt like a long time. Well, it was a month of night shoots. It was a month of night shoots. Outside Rome. Is it fun?

Is it relatable when actors complain about how hard it is to make a film? You know what? I get it. Right? And I mean, and you're talking to me. And like, yeah, sure. It's, you know, you guys are,

you're beautiful people. You've never had any trouble in your lives. So yeah, it's like, when you talk, it's gonna be hard for anyone. You know? Yeah. Yeah, we, but it was a, it was like a, it's one of those, it's a movie that happens

almost largely at night. And it's like, and it was, we shot outside of Rome. And so we, it was an intense, very bonding experience, which is why I think Andrew and I are here to say that we are, haven't told our spouses, but we are getting married. Oh, that's nice. And we are gonna adopt Amanda Seyfried's baby.

That's nice. Yeah. But you're straight, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what? After a while, it doesn't matter. I mean, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what? After a while, it doesn't matter.

I mean, love is love for me. No, it doesn't matter. Love is love, and, you know. It's like with Conan and me, after a while, the sex just ends. Did it? Oh, really? It just ends.

It all turns into friendship. Yeah, it's all friendship, you know? It's all friendship and money. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Money, friendship. And so just, because I'm just trying to figure out the poll code for the post.

So, for page six, cause I gotta talk to Cindy Adams after this. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cindy Adams. The sex stopped. Yeah. Richter talks about when the sex stopped with Conan. To Cindy Adams.

That'll be a good one. Right? She can't be alive. Cindy Adams can't be alive, is she? I feel like she is. I think I've seen her, yeah. There's like a sex dungeon in Soho. Wait, I was gonna say,

we're in the basement of the Carlisle. We're looking up. We're looking up. No, she's dead. No, she's alive. She's alive. I've seen her recently. Oh my God, she's, she's.

So quick shout out to Cindy Adams. She's alive. I've seen her recently. Oh my God, she's. So quick shout out to Cindy Adams. She's 95. Yeah. 95, wow. Everyone out there, quick shout out to Cindy Adams. 95 going strong, still writing gossip in New York. Still talking shit. Still talking shit.

She used to do across the street from, or across the street, across the hall from the Conan show, was live at five, the local news, and she would do a thing on there. And on camera, it looked totally normal, but when you'd see her in the hallway, you would see like a jawline, like painted on that was like kind of an ombre.

Sure, sure. From like a dark, almost black down into, yeah, like a Jim Henson's workshop. Yeah, really, really, you know, artfully done, but on camera, it looked great. And by the way, sounds good to me. Like I'm not, I mean, that's why I put this beard on. Oh, I'm gonna, if I could grow a beard.

Buddy, I'm doing my best to give the shape of a face. Thank you, you know what I mean? That's why we're all, that's why we're growing beards. Once this fucking pile of soft serve between my shoulders needs something, to define something on it. They just won't grow? No, yeah, no. I, it's all a rabbinical student, you know. It's all, it's all a B&H photo. Oh, it's never. A dream. I can't, I just, it's like I can grow kind of a mustache

and kind of a goatee, but it just looks. Quick shout out to B&H photo, by the way. Yeah, hey guys, what's up? If you wanna buy any electronics in New York City, but you wanna exclusively deal with ill-tempered Orthodox Jews, go check out B&H photo in New York. Right, if want to exclusively deal with ill-tempered Orthodox Jews, go check out B&H Photo in New York.

Right. If you're tired of being treated well. Yeah. If you've got an hour to wait, hit them up. Yeah. But for some reason, I wonder how they really had it though. There was years in New York where you're like, you gotta go to B&H. Yeah.

You do. And you gotta go to Moe's. Gotta go to Modell's Sporting Goods. Sure. Gotta go to Moe's. Gotta go to Modell's Sporting Goods. Sure. Gotta go to Moe's. Gotta go to Moe's. This is so regional. And nobody beats the Wiz.

Nobody beats the Wiz. At this point, here on Serious XM. Speaking of regional, you can cut this out if you need to. But you know what Tuck and his kids walk around our house now saying is, who are you? Oh really? Yeah, Nick has a bit about your favorite lawyer ad in Los Angeles, your favorite lawyer billboard. Oh yeah, yeah.

Who are you? And the who are you is the great one. And now the kids say it. Really? Who are you? Because there's a couple on the way to school. They're like, look. My wife and I have this particular love for Sweet James. Of course.

But because when you find out about his sex dungeon, you know about that, right? No, I knew as far as that he had, it was no longer a bar, he's disbarred to personally practice law. Is he really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's fantastic.

Shout out to Sweet James. That is sweet. But wait, so he has a, tell me, cause his wife was a real housewife. That is sweet. But wait, so he has a, tell me, cause his wife was a real housewife. He was a real housewife, and it was talked about in the real housewife when they were just talking about their real estate,

and it was like, oh yeah, and then there is also the 1500 square foot sex dungeon in their mansion. That's cool. That's sweet James. Yeah. Is it though? I don't know.

Sometimes sweet James likes to get a little savory. Wow. A little salty down in the dungeon. Sweet, Sweet James. It can't be sweet all the time. No, that is the truth. Sweet on the streets. Sweet on the streets.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know that. That is my name on the streets. Sweet on the streets. Sweet on the streets. Salty and bad. See. Cause of the tears. Cause of the streets. Salty and bad. See? Because of the tears.

Because of the tears. Because he cries. Oh. Well, anyway, so today our topic, what we've been soliciting from callers, is sort of new parent stories. And you guys are both parents. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, did you have a, I mean, what was the transition from being a fun person into somebody that had to care about a little helpless thing? Yeah, smooth sailing. Not a problem. Simple transition of how to approach life. Actually, we had, I have a couple kids under five.

And when we were making our movie in Italy, my son was barely two and my wife was pregnant. And we were doing those night shoots. And so my son, we'd get home at like 5 a.m. from where we were working outside of Rome, get to the apartment and at like seven, my son would wake up just furious. Like we had brought up a nanny with us

who he had turned on at that point. Right, right. And so I would literally, like, wash, like, so much, like, mud off my body. Literal mud. Yeah, creep into bed, lie down, just as, like, the sun was starting to creep up in Rome. And then it would just be like...

Nah! Like, just shouting for hours until I woke up. And then we actually would have really, like, beautiful mornings that go into this, the Via Borghese, the beautiful park in Rome. And we'd have these really special mornings. And I think that's what parenting is. It's like, it's all of it.

It's like, within three hours, you can be at your absolute wit's end and then also have, like, a magical moment. And also, unless you're gonna be a dick, like to say to a two-year-old, daddy needs to sleep, daddy's working, that's who gives a shit, like the kid is not gonna care about that.

No. You did say that a lot. I said it to him, but I would also, that's also, I would say that to Andrew when we get to work, I go, daddy needs some sleep, daddy's working. So you're gonna act with this Post-It on a spit. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not doing your coverage. Yeah, yeah. A Post-It with a little beard on it. I'll put a little mud on the Post-It just so it helps. But the Post-It always had, like, a little thought bubble, like a little speech bubble, and it said, who are you? Who are you?

Who are you? And, Andrew, you have two kids, right? Two, yes. So I... My story's a little different in that I started dating my boyfriend, Tuck Watkins, and he had six-year-olds. Oh, wow. They're now 12.

Wow. So that was, so I just sort of, you know, I mean, I knew they existed. It's not like he lied to me. Right, right, right. Oh yeah, by the way. That would have been a twist. Who the hell are these kids?

They run in the bed in the morning. What's happening? Is this New Daddy? Why do you have so many stuffed animals, Tucker? But no, so yeah, so I just sort of jumped in. But now, in the past year, we actually all live together. We actually live in a house. Oh wow. Yeah, a house together, yeah.

So that's been, but surprisingly, pretty smooth transition. Yeah? Yeah. And are you Andrew or? Andrew. Yeah, yeah. I think behind my back it's like, that dick.

Oh. But to my face it's Andrew. It's him. Oh him. Him. No, it's Andrew. I don't have like a cute name or anything. He doesn't leave the room, they say it,

he turns his back and they say it about him, just to be clear. Well, they're twins, so they might have some, they have that like weird like, weird, you know, lingo. Yeah, some unspoken ESP. They just do it. Did you have qualms about like, at first?

Yeah, it was, yeah, cause I never really had that on my radar. So it was a big adjustment, it was a big adjustment. And I was also, when we first? Yeah, it was, yeah, because I never really had that on my radar. So it was a big adjustment. It was a big adjustment. And I was also, when we first started dating, I was back and forth to New York a lot. And then I was working, you know, I went to London for six months.

We were in Rome for like two months. It was like, it was a lot of that. So the getting into it was a little, it was a little, I don't wanna say rocky, but I was not consistent. I was not consistently here, which I think made it. Turns out kids like consistency. Yeah, yeah.

And it's like, I'm an improviser, sorry. Sorry, there's no script here. Why don't you yes and everyone now and then. Get on board. I mean, but that is true. Kids are very disagreeable. Yeah. But you know, I said this to Tuck's daughter,

you know, she is very sweet, but she's also a 12 year old girl. So there is sometimes some like attitude, and I was like, babe, I can do this all day. Yeah. I'm a gay man who's worked with some very difficult actresses. Come at me. Yeah. Come at me.

Come at me. All day I can do this. You want to serve Cunt? Yes. You'll see Cunt. I'll give it back. Yeah, yeah. So she's met her match.

That's great. Ha-ha. Yeah, yeah. And that is so funny. I have a 19-year-old daughter, and 13 was like when it just, it all, it was like, there was a real turn in just from kind of, you know, goofy kid, but complicated and everything,

but then just to be like, oh my God, I am an asshole apparently. I am a dick. I am the villain of every story. I don't know what I did. But I just will say here on SiriusXM, you are a villain. I am, oh, just will say here on SiriusXM, you are a villain. Oh, absolutely.

The villain of SiriusXM. You are the greatest villain of SiriusXM. I, Smokey Robinson doesn't even come in here anymore. Because I'm stalking him. You were so... I was just frightening him a lot. That's the pilot of the good bully, is you... Well, no, I don't think Smokey Robinson has a bully.

I don't think you could ever bully Smokey Robinson if people get on board with it. Yeah, although if people haven't had a chance to watch Smokey Robinson do a cameo where he's wishing someone happy. Yeah, yeah. Is it Hanukkah? It's Hanukkah.

It's Chanukah. Chanukah, and by the way, it should be. Smokey's right. He's right. He's absolutely right. Chanukah. And by the way, it should be. Smokey's right. Yeah, he's right. He's absolutely right. Chanukah. And he was very kind. Oh, yeah.

It's beautiful. Have you ever done a cameo? No. No, they keep trying to get me to do it. I did it once for a month for Broadway Cares. No, for the actors. Yes, for Broadway Cares and for the Entertainment Fund. And I found it to be highly stressful,

especially the ones where they send those scripts. You're just like looking at it. I don't know what I'm saying. This could be terrifying. I did it for a short period of time for money. Sure. It wasn't for any... Did you make some money?

I mean, yeah, but not enough that the humiliation... Sure. You know, like there was just a point where I was, it was like a very complicated sort of request about like somebody graduating, but also, you know, had learned to ski or, you know, like, and I was like, it's not, it was like enough. Well, I'm sorry, I wasn't proud of my accomplishments.

You know what? Black diamonds. Yeah, well, open the wall a little more. I was going down, well, I injured myself very severely on the skiing, and my medical bills were higher than I wanted, and I was trying to get something for myself to cheer myself up. And I was getting out of cosmetology school.

And I was just finishing. Yeah. I would get nervous when they would be like, from a guy to a girl, and it would say, you know, like, Ashley, Brad's a good guy. I'm like, I don't know who Brad is. I'm not saying that to this girl. It'd be a creep.

Let him serve you open drinks. Right, everybody has women's shoes in their freezer. Just be cool, Ash. Yeah, what the fuck? All right, we should go to the phones here. We've strayed from your parenting. Yeah, that's okay. What the fuck? All right, we should go to the phones here. We should go to the phones. We strayed from your parenting. Yeah, that's okay.

Honestly, I don't care about anything. Jane, Jane, no. If people are looking though, George Santos does have cameo and it was a very funny thing when he started his cameo. Yeah, yeah. He does? Oh, he does. He makes a lot of money too.

I bet. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they get me up again too. I'm just, I don't know. I can't, I don't wanna do it. No, no. I'll talk. It's, no, I don't. Please don't. We'll do it here live on the air. We'll give you guys cameos. Live cameos. This is sort of a live cameo. It is. Oh, Lori. Right now, Lori.

Lori from New York. Hello. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm good. You've got Nick, Andrew and Andy here to help you with your parenting. I don't know if we'll be any help at all. We'll probably just exploit your pain and misery. I think you should explain it because if the story happened like 21 years ago. Oh good. So you probably can't help with that particular situation. Okay good, well let us have it. Okay, so when my first kid was born, and he was a newborn, my husband and I, I was 37

when I had my first kid. Congratulations. And we were idiots. Like we had no idea what we were doing and we were jittery, crazy, nervous wrecks. Yeah. So my mom came to stay with us first and then when she was leaving, we were going, we're getting panicked. So my big brother said, I'll come because he had three kids, really good dad. He was like, okay, I'm going to come. And so he came and stayed at our house. And so I woke up one morning and I think my husband had already gone to work

And I think my husband has already gone to work and I get up to go find the baby. No baby So then I go looking for my brother No, brother, and I'm you know, no sleep hormones crazy Emotion at peak I start circling running around my brother's name is mark and I'm going more More are you here? I'm walking all around the house in a complete panic, whipping from one room to the other. Maybe they took the stroller and I go with the stroller still there.

And then I'm envisioning like they fell down the basement steps and they're in the garage. Just start going nuts. Right? Like, and I'm almost sobbing at this point as I walk around the house looking for them. And then on my seventh circuit of every room in our house, we have a room that used to be our TV room back when we decided we should have a living room without a TV. And if you go in and then all the way around the corner there's a bathroom there and all of a sudden I look and I see the lights on. Now I've been walking through the

house going Mark, Mark, Mark for like 10 minutes and then I see the light on and it's like Mark are you in there? And he's like yeah and I was like do you have the baby? And suddenly I sound like Laura Petrie I don't know what happened there. And he said, yeah, it did take a shit. So he brought it in with me. Which is, you know, I mean, you're all men, but like men and their morning chips, it's like a serious thing. Well don't put us in a box there like that.

We've cemented all day long. I do wanna say, Laura, your house sounds massive. Sounds like a large property. Well, it also just sounds like that he was maybe hoping to finish up before you discovered him. Yes. But no baby should have to go through that. I like to think that my son was trying to reach me

telepathically, saying, get me out of this room. Get me out of here. How old is your son now? He is 21. How is he? Is he okay? Does he remember this? He can't, he hasn't shit in 21 years.

He has to have him surgically removed on a quarterly basis. I told him I was gonna tell a story about him as a baby uncle mark in the shitting it does sound like you told that story before you got the only work inside that's what's called a good review. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it is. I'll take that. High marks.

I'll take it. I mean, I haven't told the story in about 21 years. Well, I'll tell you this. It holds up. Yeah. It really does. Yeah, I was not ready for the shitting. When she said the bathroom, I was like, OK,

he's in there shitting. And Andrew, this happens, especially out in the world when your kid is little and they're in his, pulling a stroller into a bathroom stall with you, and it's like, yeah, what are you gonna do? Because you can't just leave him out. People get touchy about that. Oh, if you just leave him out.

Well, what you can do is cut a hole in the bottom of the stroller, then you sit in the stroller. Where's the kid? Whoa? The kid walks you around. The kid pushes you. The kid pushes you around as you crap into the stroller. Watch your feet, kid. You don't want to step in that. While your newborn is pushing you in the stroller.

Or you can, I mean this is a lot, this is going to be a lot of of work Laurie, but you can put one of those like kind of Parachutes on the back of the kid so the kids kind of floating above the stroller So like the winds coming out the kids know there's no wind you would have to be at such a speed You're going downhill or something like a go-kart. Yeah, motorized motorized go-kart, right? These are all solid ideas Go Kart. Right. Why are you just shitting your car? It's 21 years ago. Wow. These are all solid ideas. This is solid. Let's see, 21 years ago? 2004, I was in New York.

Just trolling for... Oh, well that's where we were. I was in New York. Where were you? Where were you in New York? Where? Right outside, like 30 minutes outside of Manhattan in a town called Pelham. Oh, I know Pelham.

I grew up in Westchester, I know Pelham. Owen Burke's from Pelham. Yeah, there you go. Oh, is he? Yeah. Oh, wow. Shout out to Owen Burke. Owen Burke's from Pelham.

Hey, Owen Burke. All right, well, Lori, thank you for the call, Lori. Thank you, Andy. A lot of my people grew up in Pelham. You and I have a history, Andy Richter. What happened? Oh, shit. No, I worked with you before you were famous, you know i have a history andy rifter what happened to shit uh... no i worked with you before you were famous and i worked with you after you

were famous and you were delightful both time in what capacity so i was at mtb when you did that pilot called head cheese yes so i was a p a on that and you were so nice to me. Your whole group was lovely. Oh good. And you were so nice to me.

I was working for, in development at MTV and then a couple of years later I was producing something for VH1 in a bar on St. Patrick's Day. Oh. Then you came in and you were like, hey Lori, like you were very nice. Oh. And you were lovely to deal with. Was that what John Fugle sang? I'm trying to remember if he was hosting that.

I think that was, it doesn't matter. Fugle sang very, I'm losing Nick and Andrew here. No, we haven't talked about either one of them for about 30 seconds. I was thinking about Fugle saying, it's like a journey snack. It's a tough name, I'm gonna say. It is, it is.

It's a tough name. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure he would admit it. Yeah. He should have just gone to the Fugues. The Fugues stage. Yeah, the Fugues. All right, well, Lori, it's nice to reconnect.

Yes, thank you so much. That was really fun, and I'm fans of all of you. Oh, thank you so much. Have a good day. You too. All righty. Bye. Next, thank you so much. Have a good day. You too. All righty. Bye. Next, fellas, we're going to St. Louis.

Oh boy. St. Louis. Max, hello. That's Larry King for you young kids. Hello. Hi. What's up, Max? Hi, I was calling in, not quite a new parent story, but for a different, exciting new life thing, which is I'm getting married in two days.

Wow. Wait a minute, are you calling with a wild card call? This is gonna be a wild card call. Wild card, you can call in at any point. Anytime you want. At any topic, if the story's good enough, and sometimes they don't even have to be that good. Yeah.

It's serious XM after all. And you can call in with a wild card and let us have it. All right, so Max, you're getting married. Yeah, getting married in two days. And just as soon as I heard that Nick and Andrew are on the show, obviously my first question was, it seems like a trio of people

who could give great marriage advice. Absolutely. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, yeah, we're all like wizards. Yeah, just a trail of tears behind me. So, ask away. Yeah, ask away, Max.

Okay, I guess my main question and the thing that is giving me a lot of anxiety is, you know, we've been living together for four years now and we're getting married and I am, I feel a lot of pressure that things have to feel different now that it's going to be official and it's going to be, we're married. But then I just envision us getting back home and not feeling any different. I'm wondering what is, what feels different? What should I, what do I need to do to make sure it feels as special as it feels?

Yeah. Don't worry about it. Why, why would it feel different? Like in a, I think it is, but sorry, go ahead. I think just in a way of, you know, like when I talked to my parents about it, you know, a marriage and it always meant like, okay, well, this is now a new big change. Now it is either you're moving in together or now it means you're going to get set up so you can have kids or whatever.

And it just is, I think I am, it's not like I'm worried about it, but I just want to, dude, to know sort of what to expect different from a marriage. If there isn't. Well, my mother, prior to me getting married for a second time, I was talking to my mother and because my wife and I got engaged fairly quickly after we started dating, but I'm, you know, I'm, she's only nine years younger than me

and I'm 58, she's 49. And I think, yeah, is that right? Yeah, yeah. And so I was saying like, I don't know, I guess we did get engaged pretty fast. And my mother said, we can always get divorced. I was like, you know what, she's right. She's right.

Yeah, it is true. I mean, you know, it's sticky and there's complications, but really it's like, you're not doing anything more than what you're doing right now. You're just like signing a paper with the government and entangling your finances, which is all pretty fucking hot. You'll find that your sex,

now that your finances are entangled, it's gonna be mind blowing. That's usually, that's a real foreplay move for me is I say, do you wanna entangle your finances? Yeah, open some credit cards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I hear you, Max, because I have never been married, but I have heard married people say,

after they get married, that it does, there is some, a shift, right? Like the first time you say like, my wife or my husband, that is a different feeling, right? Yeah. Yeah. Kinda? I think so. I mean, it's, yeah.

My answer is simply like, I think what Andy's saying is also, is like, expectations think what Andy's saying is also, is like, expectations are kind of pointless one way or the other, either it's gonna be perfect or it's going to be so hard because in reality, like you are continuing on this like very deep, incredibly beautiful and intense experience

with someone partnering their life. How do you know that's what Max is going through? Cause I know. It might not be deeply beautiful. I mean, it's, if they've been there together for four years, it's all of it. It's just all of it. Yeah, yeah.

So you're just sort of like. It sounds like he nailed it. I was just, yeah, I was just being a dick. I'm sorry. No, but here's the thing is like, we know Max, okay? Okay, right. Max is a good guy. Max is a good guy.

One of my favorite streaming services. Max is one of the top, by the right good guy. Right. Good guy One of my favorite streaming services max is one of the top by way top six streams Yeah, yeah, they rebranded recently max. Thank you for your rebrand black and white now Yeah, yeah and what uh, and is your partner have you talked about this with your partner Yeah, yeah, I think that's what we kind of, we say is sort of like, you know, we've talked to our friends of ours who've gotten married and they've assured us that, oh, it totally feels different. And I think we are feeling a little bit nervous of like,

wait, okay, we need to make sure we feel different too. You know what I mean? Not like that it is. Good, it sounds like you found a properly pointlessly neurotic person like yourself. And so you're in good shape. You're gonna enter the world overthinking simple things together.

You guys can, you know, pointlessly worry together. Yeah. Where are you getting married, Max? Are you like, is this a destination situation? That's a good time. We are, we are. Well, we live in Charlotte, North Carolina. We're getting married at the planetarium here in St. Louis.

Nice. Oh, nice. Wow, cool. At the Carlock Planetarium. A couple other pieces of advice to getting married. Tell everyone to keep their speeches half as long as they want them to be. And with a joke. Right, right.

With a joke. Limit the real wild card speeches to the rehearsal dinner. That's right, right. Joke, limit the real wild card speeches to the rehearsal dinner. That's right, baby. Yep. And if you need an air horn when the wild card speeches go loud, just hit off that air horn and let your father's business partner know

that he is gonna wrap up that speech. Yeah. Also too, another wedding advice, feed them early and a lot. Yes. That's the biggest mistake you can make is not feeding them like the second that the ceremony is over or people go in a room. I think that people started going to a new move

where they now are giving people drinks and food before the ceremony, which I think is a real win. Right, right. Yeah, because that's the main thing people get cranky about. You guys doing that? You guys gonna do that? Our first stop on the way to the service. Nice.

Awesome. And you guys are getting married under the arch? Underneath the... That would be a terrible place. That would be a crass place. A planetarium. They're putting the... There's an obstruction.

Wait, hold on. The planetarium's not under the arch? No. Oh, well. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. That would be a planetarium. They're putting the planetarium. There's an obstruction. Wait, hold on. The planetarium's not under the arch? No. Oh, well. Unfortunately.

I just, Jesus Christ. Does that make any sense? That's a limited view of St. Louis. Do you know that means I owe Tom Sizemore $1,000? Tom Sizemore. Jesus Christ. All right, well, good luck at your wedding, Max. Good luck, Max.

Thank you, Max. Yeah, and don't sweat it. I mean, well good luck at your wedding, Max. Good luck, Max. Thank you, Brian. Thank you, Max. Yeah, and don't sweat it. I mean, viewed from space, you're gonna have the same life. It might feel a little bit different, but it'll feel nice. And yeah. And it'll happen when it happens.

At the planetarium. You'll have viewed from space at the planetarium. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Turn that telescope around. Anyway. Yeah. Mazel Tov, Max. Yeah.

Thanks, guys. All right yeah. Mazel Tov, Max. Yeah. Thanks, guys. All right. All right, next up, we got Brian from Oregon. Brian. Here I am. Hello. Oh, hi Brian. Hi Brian. Hello.

Andrew and Nick are very impressed with your pipes. Here I am. Yes. Oh, fantastic. Go ahead, Brian from Oregon, let us know what you've got. I am currently a stay-at-home dad to a four-year-old and a seven-month-old. Wow. And my seventh month old has had pubic hair since he was about three months old. has had pubic hair since he was about three months old. What?

Wow, wow, wee wah. Wow. Wow, you could really knock us all over with that. Transient scrotal hair. Uh-huh. Okay, okay. TSH, are you talking about? In...

You're talking TSH, transient scrotal hair? Wait, transient? Yeah, yeah. What, it moves around while you're looking at it? No, it just falls out eventually. Wow. Before it comes back. But like, there's hair on the fupa too?

Very little. It's mostly right on the scrotum. Same as me, same as me so far. Wispy blonde hair. Wispy blonde. Yeah. so far. It's kind of in the wispy blonde hair. Wispy blonde. Yeah. Wispy blonde, yeah. I have wispy blonde scrotal hair.

Right on top of his scrotum. Wow! Just kind of like trumps. Wow, did you? Well that must have been a real head scratcher changing that diaper. When did that appear? Yeah.

Yeah, it was just, I definitely don't remember it growing. It's just one of those things where suddenly it's there and you're like, what? You're changing a diaper, you know, doing some wipes up, wipe up with a wet wipes. And suddenly there's strands connected and you keep wiping trying to hopefully, you know, it's maybe a diaper filament or you know, whatever. Yeah, yeah.

Nope, it's connected. Wow. Are you and your wife hairy people? I'm fairly hairy, but her not particularly. Okay. And fairly hairy... Not that you know. Fairly hairy is your drag name as well, is that right or no?

Fairly Harry. Fairly Harry. No, my drag name is Gilly Teen. Oh, nice. Nice. Well, I mean, have you, is this something that you've discussed with a pediatrician? Like, hey, check out my kids' hair and nuts. It just happens in roughly 1% of children and infants. It is benign.

It's just something that will eventually go away. Right, and then come back. How are you both responding to, are you both, is it amusing, is it anxiety inducing, is it, where does it fall for? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, that's great.

Yeah, people's bodies are crazy, man. Gotta laugh. And baby, especially the thing that's, and I've heard people say this, and I was not, I didn't, like I have a younger brother and sister who are nine years younger, and I, you know, like helped, like with twins, you gotta help. Yeah.

But I did not remember this until my son was born, and like, it shocked me how big a baby scrotum is. Like a baby boy scrotum is, it's out of scale to the rest of their body. And I remember asking, I mean, I remember asking like, what's going on with, and the doctor's like, no, no, no, that's just how it is. This show is a wild ride. I think that's just how it is. Wow. You know?

This show is a wild ride. I think that the medical term is B-A-B-B, it's big ass baby balls. Oh, big ass baby balls. I mean, I think that's like similar to, you know. Big ass baby balls. That's a hashtag you do not wanna click on.

Don't, you'll be on a watch list. All right, well, Brian, I mean, how do you feel about your son's hairy set? How do you feel about, yeah, how do you feel about the BABBs and the transient scuttle, the TSH transient scuttle hairs? So proud, absolutely. I mean, you're calling a show about it. Right, exactly. Exactly. It's a shame Ellen's not on the air. This'll be a fun story to tell at your son's wedding. Yeah.

You know? I should tell that story. Get away from me, I'm not done. Give me that microphone. And another thing. Where in Oregon are you guys? Right dead center in Bend. No, like where specifically?

We don't want an address. What's your address? No, no, no. No, sorry, sorry. Andrew, no we do not want that. At the Bend. Right at the Bend. Right at the Bend. Oh we see your house.

We can... Yeah, that's, Sirius XM is very much like the CIA. Yeah, we just... We have a... We have a... Drone out there. A bullpen where we have link into CCTVs all over the world, dude dude, I don't get started but

Bad you'd be surprised Long as I get an invite to the signal chat. All right, you will Brian. Thank you so much for the call Uh-huh. All right, you know and like if I'm still on the air, call me back and let me know the progress, the hair progress. Let me know how your kid's balls are. Yeah, yeah. Let me know how your kid's hairy balls are. Absolutely. All right.

Thank you, Brian. I'll call in quarterly. Thank you. All right. Next up, we got Eric from Philly. Hi, Andy. Hi, Nick. Hi.

Hi. Andrew, are you ever... Wait, hold on. One second. Eric, are you from Philly. Hi, Andy. Hi, Nick. Hi. Hi. Andrew, are you ever, wait, hold on one second. Eric, are you ever Andy? Yeah, my family calls me Andy. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. Do you like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay. I love the cartoon Andy cap. Sure. Oh yeah. Big time. That irascible cockney. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. The way he's like so mean to his wife and everyone else That's hilarious Oh my I didn't like a real battle axe I didn't like it as a kid when the the youngest child from family ties was Andy Andy was sort of like oh, so you're sort of a dumb. Yeah, Andy. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't love that Yeah, wasn't a cool kid. Yeah, but Andy Griffith Well Eric, I'm sorry we I know you're in a bit

You've got a you've got a busy life and we're taking up your time. Tell us your story Yeah, so I don't know how I'm gonna beat alpha Chad baby So I don't know how I'm gonna beat alpha Chad baby, but I'll try. My son is very gifted and like I always heard stories about like famous geniuses like Oh, he was reading by age two. It's like, okay, but was he really though? And like yeah, apparently it happens. It happened with our first What we would do is we would read him like every night He would grab a book like the same book and we would read it and point with our fingers at the words and then eventually he memorized the words to the book and he was able to read it like back to us just verbatim and then eventually he

would just read the book back to us and he was doing this like pointing to each word so we knew he was he was really reading and not just reciting yeah which like he would grab books we haven't read yet and start reading those that's impressive yeah it is good that's good this was all at one before age two wow it was it was a pretty not like it was weird I also had no idea how to like no I like that you had a like a bullshit detector on like that's like nah is he really reading? Give him another book. Come on, point to the words as you read it. Yeah. Well that's amazing so yeah so so but I mean it's got to be kind of thrilling though. Oh

absolutely I mean it was very exciting and so when he was by the time it was to we gave him like all of our books all of our books, all of my Garfield books, our Calvin and Hobbes books. Looking for Mr. Goodbar. Yeah. Right, exactly. And then in addition to his real actual baby books. And then my wife and I also have a ton of bookshelves with books that he would just pull down and start reading.

So we would brag, like, yeah, our kid reads Stephen King. And then that was all well and good until he got to preschool. And then one day we got a call from the teacher asking about some of the things that he's been saying in his class. And so one of the books that he loved is a book by- QAnon?

The loved Twitter folk. A Little Life? QAnon. He was real deep into the QAnon hole. Sure. No. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Wait, what was the book that he loved?

Famous Twitter philosopher Johnny Sun. Oh, yeah. Called, Everyone is an Alien When You're an Alien 2. And it's about an alien who comes to earth to make friends. And it's silly and it's smart and it's beautiful. And it's very existential. Yeah. But and it's beautiful and it's very existential. But the drawings are adorable and purposely like very childish. So it would draw any kid in. So he would read this book, this very profound book, where one of the characters is literally a black

void representing nothing. And so he would repeat it, repeated all those teachers. So one day they tell us like, yeah, same stuff like sometimes a caterpillar will wait too long and die in its cocoon before ever becoming a butterfly is one of the things that he repeated back and another thing that you say a lot was being afraid of death is being afraid of nothing how can you be afraid of nothing yeah on it can I be honest Mike my kid is can't read for shit and it's making me crazy he's? My kid can't read for shit, and it's making me crazy. He's four and he can't read a lick, and hearing you talk about this

is gonna make me blow my ass. It's triggering, he's getting very raps. I'm so angry at my kid. Do you need to step out? Yeah, I'm gonna go call my kid. He doesn't even have a phone, so I don't know who I'm gonna call. But weirdly, my kid similarly is asking and talking about

like sort of these bigger questions like this, and it's super interesting, but it's confusing because they can really, they're really trying to understand these massive ideas, but they don't fully understand them. So they're like saying it out loud, I don't know. That's what I'm finding with my son of a similar age who's kind of talking in similar ways that movie? Have you shown him that movie soul?

The Pixar movie has watched so I don't think he grasped the greater concept How old is he now yeah He's a reader. He's a reader. He's not a watch guy. He's not a visual guy. Yeah, give him some time. How old is he now? Yeah. He's eight now. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So, and so he's now reading constantly,

and does he read and talk to other, how does he deal with other kids? So he's in gifted programs at the school where they can enrich that. And then with other kids, he's fairly normal. He's very popular. It's funny. Oh, nice.

Whenever we go to the school nights, kids are waving to him from all different grades. Teachers are in love with him. And I think he's a very big parrot of things that he sees and that he reads. And so he's always got a lot of interesting stuff to say. He was quoting Stephen King at two, which got him in a little bit of trouble. Is he still advanced for his age? Like is he still as advanced as he was when he was little? He's still advanced.

He's still in the smarter math class. He's like a math genius. We're wondering when it's gonna like kinda level out. Yeah, tell him not to burn out too quick. Yeah. Right. Yeah, cause I mean my son was very advanced with lots of stuff and then it kinda, you know,

like you're like, oh my god. That's just normal. There's a fucking Einstein here and then, you know, I get to be like eight or nine and it's like, oh okay., there's a fucking Einstein here. And then I get to be like eight or nine. And it's like, oh, he's just smart. It's like when you're the youngest, we're like, oh, you're so young. And then all of a sudden you're not so young.

Yeah, you're not the youngest. I was the youngest for years. And then all of a sudden I wasn't. And then the twins nine years later, Andy. Nine years later. Yeah, well, they're big balls. Wait, what? They're B-A-B-B-A's. B-B-A's. Yeah, well they're big balls. Right, what? They're B, A, um...

B, B, A, B, B. Yeah, yeah. You know, interesting too, when your son was talking about this nothingness, was he four? No, he was two. He was two? Wow. That is early. Yeah, it's early to be talking about nothingness.

Because of why we're getting phone calls. Sure. Yeah. That's early to be talking about nothingness. We're getting phone calls and wondering why he's quoting the descriptive prose and robust character development of Stephen King. Yeah. Was he talking about misery at all? Did he get into... He was a big it head.

He loved Pennywise. Oh, wow. Okay, sure. See, that seems abusive. Yeah. To let a child read that, yeah. We all float, he says to his teacher. My kid reads Stephen King's tweets.

He reads his, my kid only reads Stephen King's entertainment weekly book reviews. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Wow, nice. Hey Stephen, take a fucking nap, man. It's doing too much. It's like Stephen King has thoughts,

like come on man, how many books can you write and then the articles? Just take a fucking walk. Yeah, yeah. Go relax, but not too much. Not too much. Right. Don't get too comfortable, Stephen.

That's right. Well, Eric, thank you. That's what I always say, every time I see Stephen King, I go, don't get too comfortable. Slow down, man. Slow down. He plays in a band, too comfortable. Slow down, man. Slow down. He plays in a band, too. Really?

Oh, wow. Let's go see him. They must be great. Every Red Sox game, that's kicking up again. Oh, wow. It's too much. Eric, thank you for the call. Eric.

Thank you for listening. It was a delight to talk to all three of you. Thank you. Thank you so much. God bless. Yeah, you know, four is because we had a dog that died. And when my daughter was, and it was when she was four. And it was, I did not know how to, you know,

I Googled it. Sure. And I did find that like four is like a very common, kids get death at four and they start to sort of like grapple with it. Yeah, yeah. Well, you hear those really terrifying stories of like really little kids talking about

like their awareness prior to being born. You've heard those stories, right? Which always freaked me out that that, I mean. My kid just at four has been talking about Richard Pryor. Oh Just like how he changed the game Underestimated as an actor right right now, and he said he knew all this in utero. Yes knew it all Yeah, yeah, which is crazy cuz we didn't watch it would put those little yeah, right Oh, of course, you wouldn't watch Richard Pryor.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Too transgressive. No, no, no, always. Always a Mort Saul guy. Never could get on board for Pryor. This is Mort Saul. I blasted Capitol steps at my kids when they were in the womb. Jared from Texas. You got... Hello. steps at my kids when they were in the womb.

Jared from Texas, you got- Hello. You got Andrew, Andy, Nick. Tell us- Hey everybody. Tell us what your story is there buddy? I'm good. Good. Yeah, so this is the story of the birth of my second child.

Okay. And just quick background, when my first child was born my wife was having contractions all day it was a very long process she started contractions morning we didn't even go to the hospital till 11 p.m. Oh yeah. So with the second child, we'd go to bed the night before. I know I just said no not you I was saying speed it up like to your wife like you know Yeah, yeah, which is by the way if you're you're partnering your partner's expecting great is always still yeah Can't you dilate any faster

Yeah, so when the the second one came she woke me up that morning. We had gone to bed. Everything was fine. She woke me up at like 5 a.m. And was like, hey, I think we should probably go to the hospital. And I was confused because she had not had any contraction. So, you know, obviously I know better than she does. Yeah, absolutely. About her body, clearly. Right, right.

So I kind of brushed it off. And then we eventually got up, decided to go to the hospital. On the way to the hospital, I was very hungry Yeah, you got a stop at Carl's jr. We did Yeah Got me a little got me a little breakfast sandwich. Yeah, you sound like a gym You sound like a real keep going No, we needed a car wash. Yeah.

Well, yeah. I noticed. Yeah. I had to do the scratchers because you want to cash them back in right there. Hey, I'm trying to earn for the family. Yeah. Bread winner over here.

Oh. Yep, exactly. Okay, so you got the breakfast sandwich. Sorry. From a convenience store. So it's- I have my breakfast on the way. We get back, I you got the breakfast sandwich. Sorry. From a convenience store. I have my breakfast on the way. I get back in the car. We head to the hospital. We get up to our room. She's crowning. You know, chit chatting. We're filling out paperwork. And the nurse checks, my wife says,

let me see how far you're dilated. And I stand there as the nurse is checking, and she gets a kind of confused look on her face and then she just says, there are about to be a lot more people in here and she leaves. Then it turns out my wife was at a 10 already. Wow. You must've felt like a real asshole.

So the baby was kind of almost crowning then, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he was born less than an hour after we got to the hospital. Wow. Oh. All because I needed some breakfast. That's all right though, you know?

You know what, honestly, it's like timing a flight just right, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You get through TSA, you don't need that much longer. No, right. Who wants to sit around in the terminal? Yeah.

Do you ever see your ex-wife or a shoe? Yeah. Yeah. Is that? We are miraculously still married and have been for almost 18 years and she even had a third child with me. Wow. That you know of.

Yeah, and they named it Breakfast Sandwich. Yep, it's called. Was she pissed at you? Qua sandwich. Was she pissed at you while you were having the breakfast sandwich or was she okay with it? She was, I think she was probably in a little too much pain from the contractions to even think about it.

That's when you gotta get shit done. Yeah, yeah. When they're immobilized with pain. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Well, like I say, there was no, you know. You get an epidural because. Everybody's okay, right? Yeah. Yeah, no harm, no foul. And what, so that kid is 18 now? He's 11, actually. What?

I don't know, I wasn't listening to the time frame. Oh, that's what I think I had in my head. Okay. Well, it took seven years to that final centimeter of dilation. It took seven years. Turns out. Yeah. It turns out. Yeah. She really, that's final push. She was not ready. Yeah, yeah.

I could have gotten a couple more meals in labor for seven years. I opened a breakfast restaurant. All right, Jared. Thank you so much for putting up with us. Yeah, Jared. Thank you. All right. Congrats. Have a good one. All right, we got time for one more. Uh, we're, we got Amanda. Oh, Amanda. Hi, Amanda. Hi. Hi there. How are you? Oh, I'm great. How are you? I'm good. Tell those people in the background to be quiet. You're talking to Nick Kroll, Andrew Rannells and Andy Richter.

I'm going to go outside so no one can disturb us. Oh, all right. Yes, please. Thank you, Amanda. Are you yelling at your children? No. Just yelling at some... Are you like a lion at a target? No, my daughter wasn't feeling well, so I had to take her to Quick Care. She's fine. Oh, God. She's one of the ones that I... She had to take her to Quick Care. She's fine. Oh God. She's one of the ones that I, she was, no, she's fine.

She's fine. Quick shout out to Quick Care. Don't want slow service. That's right. You want Quick Care. You want Quick Care. When you get care, you want it to be quick. Make it quick.

Yeah, yeah. Make it savory. They're doing great. Great. Yeah. Everybody's great. Okay. So you just left her in there? Well, she's 19. Oh, fuck that. Yeah, great. Yeah. Everybody's great. Okay. So you just left her in there?

Well, she's 19. Oh, fuck that. Yeah, yeah. Take yourself. She's 19. She could've driven herself. I like that she's 19, you're quick caring, you're just like AirPods in listening to a call and a serious show.

I'm calling a show. Yeah, right. Yeah, here she goes again. I told you, I've been waiting for almost 20 years for this, so she was gonna be okay, I'm okay, here we are. All right. We're Here she goes again. I've been waiting for almost 20 years for this. So she was going to be okay. I'm okay. Here we are. Great to see you. We're happy to have you. Well, let us have this tale. Okay. So my daughter who is 19, almost 20, is a twin.

So I have identical twin girls who were born in 2005. Okay. And so twin folks know how exhausting that can be. Um, and so we were, my then husband and I were big fans of Conan and Andy. And so it was late night feeding, um, lights off babies, you know, drinking bottles, and we are watching Conan and in comes John Pesce to do a bit called Retes where he was like, I don't totally remember all of it, but he was like, sort of animalistic and maybe running around on a piano or something. And my husband and

I at the time were just dying laughing at the sketch. Yeah. My husband and I at the time were just dying laughing at the sketch. Yeah. To this day, I have no idea if it was actually that funny or if it was just because we were so exhausted. Yeah, yeah. I need to know. Well, if it was 2005, that was after I had left because I could not take it anymore. I just, I had had enough.

No, I was actually living out here and doing my own thing. So I, but yeah, that sounds, it sounds pretty good. It sounds, yeah, you know. Was it called Ritesh? What was it? The-tesh. The-tesh. The-tesh.

It's like a character, like they brought him out and he did his own bit and he was singing and it was like he was in the wild or something. Like he's a wolf man. I mean, look, those late night nursing, you are a little slap happy. Yeah. But that sounds like classic Conan.

It does. It sounds like some real fun taking a character, someone from culture who is sort of talented, but sort of a jokin' of themselves. Yes, true. And then they understood that and they played that out in a humorous way and they gave it their all. Yep.

You know who probably didn't like it? Who? Connie Selica. Yes. You know what, yeah. You probably didn't love it. But she's used to it. Yeah.

And she has to know, because you meet John Tesh, within two seconds you're thinking, this guy could go feral at any moment. Absolutely. Well, he's got that NBA and NBC money. But he's just these big. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. You guys know that story about Tesh, right?

Oh, yeah, sure. That's a great story. That's a great one. Yeah, and he plays it in concert too. Does he? He does. I would imagine. I haven't seen him in concert in years.

And not in years. No, no. You a Tesh head? Oh, absolutely. I'm a Teshee. Yeah, Teshee. Sorry, that Teshee. Yeah, yeah.

The Teshees. All right, yeah, no, I think you were probably right. If it was on Conan, it was funny, Amanda. Okay, well, it was a very pivotal moment and even though my ex-husband and I don't really get along so well anymore, we can still really laugh about the tesh. You still have the tesh. Yeah, yeah. You can say that to one of your other other of you at each other's funeral, you know We always had the test. You should call his new wife and tell her this story Give her a call. Yeah. Yeah, why not? You know what? Call Beth.

I didn't know about it, so we told them. I think everybody knows. So thank you guys. Thank you Amanda. Hope your daughter gets that quick care. Yeah We're gonna thank you. That's it, bro. We got, I'm being told we got one call we're gonna squeeze in here at the end. Yeah. And guess what kind of call it is? Pew pew. A wild card. Taylor from New Hampshire. What do you got for us, man? Or girl, I don't know. I'm a girl. All right, Taylor, how are you? So I'm good, thank you for having me.

This is awesome. I'm a big time fan. I was really happy that they said I could ask them a question. Cool. And I have an advice question. Oh, nice, I love these. I love these because I know a lot of shit about them. Is this where we ask you a question

and you give us advice? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so at the beginning of this year, one of my good college friends accepted a job in Portland, Oregon. And I'm currently in the New England area, but I've always kind of wanted to move west and last month I visited him. I loved it and

it's looking like I Could potentially and I plan on relocating there with him at the end of this year So I'm just kind of looking for any advice. You might be able to give me on Relocating and moving to a new city. And making any friends and connections that I can in a new city. Well, first off, if you moved to a new city, learn to just figure out when someone else

is gonna try to talk. Um. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's so business. I'm sorry. Um, what's the deal with this person that you were visiting? Yeah, this friend. Is this a friend? Yeah, yeah.

What's going on? Or is this some romantic? Yeah, yeah. Is this like a, is the move connected to that? No, this is one of my best friends from college. It's a platonic thing. Yeah. Is he gay?

No. He's a straight person that you're moving across the country to be closer to? Well, like possibly. I'm just looking for like a change of pace. Have you ever hooked up with him? Nope. Really? Really. Do you think it's something that he would be interested in?

No. Okay. Would you be interested in it? Mm. No. Okay. So you're really just looking for restaurant wrecks. Yeah, yeah.

Portland's got some of the best restaurants in the country. You know, they got a nice food truck. They have a lot of food trucks. I mean, Portland- Streets are paved with food trucks. Yeah, Portland's a very cool city, or at least it was 10 years ago. Based on the television show.

Based on the television show, Portland. Yeah, so great. No, it's a really fun city. I mean, where are you living? You're in New Hampshire? Yeah. Okay. I mean, have you always lived there? Have you ever lived in another city?

I lived in Vermont for a while. Yeah, go, go, yeah. I have like- You sound young. I have a family in California for a while, so I had connections, you know, like in other parts of the West Coast. Are you sort of portable work-wise? Can you easily go to Portland and pick up working?

Yeah, yeah, I do like, I do teaching now. Oh, okay. They need teachers everywhere post-COVID. Yeah. Well get out there, go for some hikes, suck a dick, you know, do the stuff. Yeah. Do the things.

Is that what hiking is about? Yeah, okay. Yeah, Runyon, there's a whole section hiking is about? Yeah. OK. Runyon, there's a whole section. Oh, wow. Yeah. OK. Yeah, no, I think, Taylor, I think, yeah, sure, give it a, I mean, you know, you can always come back.

And if you're in LA, go check out Runyon Canyon for a hike. Yeah. Just meet an influencer, suck a dick. Yeah. All right, yeah. It's going to be great. You can always change your mind. New Hampshire will always be there. And who knows, if this was a Hallmark movie, you and this guy would fall in love.

Absolutely. When you get there. Right. Yeah. He's gonna have a really annoying girlfriend when you get there. Right. And you're gonna be like, oh, Christy.

Yeah. And then eventually. She's gonna be like a real type A. Yeah. But then, you know, it'll be snowing, and you'll look across And then she's gonna be like a real type A. Yeah. But then, you know, it'll be snowing and you'll look across the hot chocolate booth and you'll fall in love.

Yep. Just like Hallmark. When you're in Portland, check out the hot chocolate booth. Yeah. It's a gay bar and a... And also a shoe store, which is weird. Wow, weird. All right, well Taylor, thank you and good luck.

Thank you. All righty. Andy, I feel like we've really failed with the advice section of this show. Well, no, I don't think so. I mean, in between the nonsense, you know, and the... Change lives? And the scolding.

There is some light scolding. I can't help myself. He can't help himself. And that's maybe if I called him to this show to get advice, like, how do I do this better? Maybe less scolding. We all have our ways of feeling better about ourselves. Yeah.

And that's Nick's. Thank you. Well, we usually pick our favorite call, which there's a list up there. Oh, we're doing a wrap up. If you want. Yeah, we're heading out. Let's see, well, hmm.

You know, not based on that I think he's a good guy, but the one that's really gonna stand out is that jerk off Jared from Texas, who left his wife and newborn child, she basically had the kid in the passenger seat yeah yeah eating a fucking breakfast burrito with the AMCO I hope it was vinyl seats yeah rats Jared if you're on by the way if you're at the AM PM get yourself a breakfast croissant yeah Santa right right It's a Christmas. Get your product on a pretzel. Get yourself the dilator

It's four eggs in the shell it's four eggs inside of two glazed crullers The hair on the kids balls is pretty I don't know, I thought they were all pretty good. The hair on the kids' balls was pretty good. That's a stand out too. Yeah, that'll stick with me. That'll really. I'm gonna tell my wife about that one. Yeah, that's a good one.

All right, well guys, I don't understand you. It's gonna be in theaters June 6th. That's right. And this is gonna be airing right around that time. Oh, perfect. Because actually right now it's 2013. Oh, okay. Yeah we're recording this in 2013.

Very early. But this was really fun. I appreciate this so much for you guys coming in. You want us to come back tomorrow? I would love for you guys to do this again. Well how about in 20, it's 2013 so in three years we'll come when the Democrats win and the future of our country is clear. Yeah, right, right, right. Totally clear. Awesome. Thanks, Andy. Thank you. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you, Nick.

And stick around because Lori Kilmartin is going to do her stand-ups on Conan's show. I'll be back next week. I love you all.