The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Nicole Byer: Creeps (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Nicole Byer joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to talk CREEPS! In this third episode of Andy’s new weekly SiriusXM radio show, we hear stories from callers about cat-calling mail carriers, guys who are too into fingernails, a restaurant pest, and an amazing, filthy hook-up story that DELIGHTED Nicole.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Hello, hello, hello! It's Andy Richter, host of the Andy Richter Call-In Show. The cleverly named Andy Richter Call-In Show. and we've got a fun episode today mainly because I got Nicole Byer here. It's a me! Yeah, it's a me, Nicole! It's my favorite thing to do. But Nicole, this is really fun that you're're gonna be here to do this and I'm hoping that you can really kind of help us out with the topic today, which is creeps.

Creeps, okay. Do you know, do you have any creeps in your past that you can really remember? Yeah, it's funny the things you tolerate in your 20s and then you get older and you're like, oh, that was pretty creepy, that wasn't good. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think of something specific.

But people have said things to me where you're like, oh well I mean, after Obama was elected, people kept saying I voted for Obama like I cared and that was pretty creepy. Well then you could let everybody know at the meetings. The meetings, the black people meetings. Yes, and I could be like, we have a lot of allies out there,

just so you guys know. There was a great onion thing, it was a video thing about like, white liberals want everyone to know that they have listened and they are done listening. They've heard everything there is to hear, but let them, just so you know, you've been heard. That's so funny.

My favorite meme is, I think it's from Spider-Man. It's like Tobey Maguire in the background and Kristen Dunst in the foreground screaming and it says, her pronouns are they them. And it's so funny to me because it's like screaming and being wrong and being like, I'm an ally, I swear. Oh, it gets me every time I see it.

Yeah. Yeah, I was trying to think about creep stuff and I realized that anything I could really tell would be too easily figured out by the people I'm talking about. Oh, that's very funny. Same. I was like, rocking my brain, I was like, they listen to it, they'll know it's them.

Although I could tell you about the person that I work with in the days, because when the Conan Show started in 93, it was the beginning of the internet. It was like, we didn't really have, like it was like, what's this compu- What is this? What is this?

Yeah, and what is, AOL, you know? And of course the first thing, and this is my favorite thing about technology, is it's all, the first thing people figure out from it is always a porno. It's always like, you know, it's like, we've got to take, and I've said this before, we've got a technology where people

in the same geographic area can contact each other on an app. Hey, how about we use it to fuck each other? I mean, yeah. That's like the first thing that comes to mind. As people like fucking. So let's do that. But this one guy, this one, and it's a guy,

he used to say to me, and it's because his computer screen faced away from him, and I'd walk by his office and he'd say, Mary, jovially, hey, come here, I wanna show you something. And then I'd come around the screen and it was always like some kind of German shit porn. Oh, no!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It could have been at least something tasteful. No, not tasteful at all. There was one, the one that has stayed with me forever, someone wearing clear plastic, what looked like a box or briefs, clear plastic, nude underneath, filled them with shit. Oh, that's upsetting.

Filled them with shit. I don't like that. Oh. I don't like that at all. And I said to him, I'm not doing this anymore. Yeah. After like two or three times, I was like, I'm not looking at things that you want.

Two or three times. After the first time I did it, you're gonna unsubscribe. Yeah, but you never know. I'm a man of varied interests. Perhaps he would have stumbled upon something that was interesting to me. Ooh, I thought of a creepy thing.

I had a sound guy, this was early, early, early, early, but he used to like pat my boobs and be like, oh, just checking the mic, and I didn't like it. So then I started taking the mic off myself and micing myself, and then he yelled at me, and he was like, it is my job, this, that, and the other, and I was like, well, you have to stop touching my boobs, nobody else does that, and he's like, I would never,

and I was like, but you do, and I'm telling you. But yeah, it was like a clear pat. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's actionable. Yeah. I mean, it was like a clear pat. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's actionable. Yeah. I mean, that's like get you fired kind of shit. Yeah, it was not great. Well, he's still out there.

He probably is. He's a proud union member. Actually, he was non-union, so I don't know if he was union enough. Oh, well there you go. You know, you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. That's what my grandpa always said. Wait, that's so wild to say you know, you pay peanuts, you get monkeys. That's what my grandpa always said. Wait, that's so wild to say that.

If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys? Because monkeys don't eat peanuts. They eat bananas. Give a monkey a peanut. You'll see. You know what? You are right. I did go to South Africa, and monkeys

did try to steal my nuts. They kept hopping on the roof and staring at me. You just reflect for just a moment. So you are right. Yep. All right. Hey, let's go to the calls. Let's see.

Okay. I mean, oh, and I almost forgot. Because we just kind of, this has just been kind of free form. You know, we've done a few of these. They've all been wildly successful. Okay. Amazingly funny. I love this.

Perfect. Perfect hours of broadcasting. Uh- broadcasting. But I thought we'd kind of like, I don't know, maybe like just raise the stakes of this. And you and I at the end will choose a best caller. And I don't know if that person will get anything other than the satisfaction of being the best caller. You know, if once we get some t-shirts printed or some mugs made, you might get a T-shirt or a mug. Ooh, the promise of a mug or a T-shirt is nice.

I know, I know. And it's like, I got so many T-shirts, but I always got room for one more. I mean, not really. They don't fit in the drawer anymore, but you know. No, but the idea of getting something new is exciting. Oh, very exciting. Speaking of exciting,

we have an exciting caller from Connecticut! Sarah, are you there? I am. Hi Sarah. Oh my gosh, hi Andy. This is Andy Richter and Nicole Byer. It's a her. It's a me. This is my dream phone call. Oh great, thank you. So you got a story about creeps? I do and I'm not sure if I'm the creep if he's the creep I have my own take but I already love it. I already love it the fact that yeah. To question it. Yeah it's like makes me lean into you're the creep. It's like the movie The Thing you don't know who the monster is. It could be anybody. Oh. I've never seen it. All right, well go ahead, tell us.

Give it to us. Sure, so years and years ago, back in the early days when no one was meeting each other on their phone, they were all meeting one another either online or at work. Ew. You know, these were pre-app days. I know.

So I worked for sort of a national company and had been chatting up this guy who worked in a different office. And we found an opportunity for him to visit the home office and for us to actually get to hang out. Now we've been chatting a lot, you know, like AOL instant messenger style. For how long?

Like we're talking, oh, a couple months at least. And like we had each other's phone numbers, we were talking, like it was a whole thing. And we were very excited to be able to, quote, spend time together. And we finally get the... Well, because, you know, I have kids now and I feel like I should put that in quotes. Okay, I got it. You feel me, Nicole? She means really together. I get it.

So we went out to dinner together and this is like our first time without the colleagues. We're sitting down and just like really getting to hash things out together. And first of all, I'm a little bit frustrated because like no shade to people who choose to smoke cigarettes, but it was not in my dating plan. And he was a lot heavier of a smoker than he had told me about. So I was like, sort of trying to work around that being like, okay, I'm not

judgy, I'll let it go. Like he's a really nice guy. Like this is totally cool. And then we got into talking about this like Tumblr site that I had been on, which focused on dinosaurs. And it was hilarious. It was, you know, A plus comedy putting dinosaurs in real life situations. And, and so I made some reference to this because I had shared this again, pre Instagram, this was like sending memes by screenshotting something and like sending it in an email.

It was so lame looking back on it. But anyway, so I made some reference to it and he said, oh my gosh, it's so funny, especially considering the fact that dinosaurs aren't real. And I said, well, I mean, yeah, I mean, they are extinct. I guess that's true. They aren't like currently living. But no, he indicated that dinosaurs were on par

with like the Loch Ness monster, unicorns, you know, big foot conspiracy things that are out there. And I was, I thought he was joking, this funny man that I have been talking to for several months now, how does it not come up that he doesn't believe in dinosaurs? So I'm digging further and further into this. And it turns out again again this is where like maybe I'm the creep am I closed-minded? His face had him, it called him to look at all of this as a as a serious question of faith and that you know carbon dating and all of the science around it were put there for us to critically examine whether or not we believed in it because it wasn't written about in the Bible.

And my whole world came crashing down because I immediately saw any future with this person going out the window because, again, I grew up Catholic. I've been to church a lot, but I also, you know, trust science. Anyway, so the night continues to its logical conclusion because we were already out. And the next morning I woke up and left and never saw him again. And I got some, you know.

Oh, so you did spend time together. Spend some time together. Listen, I was already there and, you know. I get it. Sometimes, there's a lot of times where you do that you go through the calculus of okay I'm not thrilled with this person but they do have genitals yeah yeah I get that you're just like we're here yeah let's do it yep yeah we don't we don't need to talk in order to do that. Sure. It's interesting

that his faith allows that. You know, faith allows a lot of things when spending time together. That's true. You know, the contradictory components of this were not lost on me. Yeah. But yeah, so after all this, you know, we do still work together. There were several, you know, moments of outreach of like, I really thought we had something special. I was ready to introduce you to my parents and I was very much along the lines of like, okay, we need to take several steps back. And we sort of very naturally took space. You just should have said in pictures of T-Rexes. Just like... Yeah, that's stop. So then what happened?

So what eventually happened over the course of a couple years is that the company changed their structure, their office closed. I wound up going elsewhere and then found my way back in the role that he had previously occupied in a new office where I met my now husband. But he reached out to me on LinkedIn a couple years ago and was like, hey, I'd love to catch up. And I just, what am I supposed to say? Thank you for the one evening of a lot of strangeness and I'm sorry that I took your job. Like, it's just the weirdest intuition.

Yeah, no, that's, I mean, I don't think that you were creepy. No. And I, he may not even have been creepy, but he certainly was an unfuckable weirdo. Yeah, he was a little bit of a weirdo. Although you managed, you powered through it. He was not unfuckable. All. Although you managed. He was a little bit of a weirdo. You powered through it. He was not unfuckable. All right, well there you go.

I mean, sometimes the dumb are the best. I guess, but yeah, but see, cause I don't think that, like when you were questioning whether it was unfair of you to question his faith, no. No, if your faith involves denying dinosaurs existence, it's okay to say like, no, that's a silly faith. Yeah, I think this is less creepy and funny

that you met a man who didn't believe in dinosaurs, you had relations with him and then took his job. Like that's just funny. It is pretty funny. I think it was funny. Yeah, yeah. And then you met your current husband at that job. You're just like, I'll never leave work.

I did. We've been married for 10 years tomorrow, actually. Oh, congratulations. Yes, thank you. But yes, again, like I don't know where people meet people. Nicole, I listen to your podcast. I still don't understand how people are out there meeting other people like in the flesh

that they don't work with. I don't know how to are out there meeting other people like in the flesh that they don't work with. I don't know how to. You got it. But this is years of validation that you two have provided for me. Thank you. Thank you so much, Sarah. Thank you, Sarah.

Thank you so much. Thank you guys. All right, talk to you soon. I hope. I hope, I mean, I, you know, call back. It would be so funny if, Andy, you just started calling Sarah. You know what, if you're working with me, it's a pretty much guaranteed. Yeah, I hope. I hope, or I mean, call back. It'd be so funny if Andy, you just started calling Sarah. You know what, they're working with me. It's a pretty much guaranteed.

Yeah, I got your number here. I could call you back. Okay, thanks, Sarah. Okay, thanks, Sarah. Okay, thanks, Sarah. Okay, thanks, Sarah. Okay, thanks, Sarah. Okay, thanks, Sarah.

Everybody, you're listening to the Andy Richter Call & Show on Conan O'Brien Radio. Uh, I'm Andy Richter. I'm here today with the very funny and vivacious and beautiful and wonderful Nicole Byer. She's a goddamn angel. Thank you. And, uh, we're talking about creeps. And we got another caller on the line. We got Joe from North Carolina.

Joe? Yes. How are ya? Hello, Joe. Joe? Yes. How are you? Hello Joe. Hello, how are you guys? We're going, we're doing great. We're on the radio. Yeah. I'm very excited. I mean, well, technically we're recording something that will be on the radio eventually. And that's a little Hollywood secret. You gotta get in the can before you air it. Get in the can before you put it in the pan. Yeah, something like that. I liked it.

Yeah, it's not bad. But yeah, we're in like, if you could see us, we're in like a really grown up radio studio with like, you know, those boards with like little fader, pushy things. Sound boards and stuff, and there's levels. I can't touch anything. No. I'm not supposed to touch anything. No. I'm not supposed to touch anything, but you know, it's very grown up.

I'm sitting at a desk next to a bowling pin and a painting of a bat symbol. Nice. Okay. Nice. Well, tell us about your story about creepiness. Okay. Okay, so I'm a mail carrier in North Carolina and the first interaction I had with this guy was just very bizarre and he has only given me just more and more weirdness the more I interact with him because obviously I see him pretty much every day when I deliver

his mail. So the first time I met him, I had a package that had dropped off at his house and I thought the house was vacant. The mailbox was completely full of like old junk mail, paint chipping off the house, the gutters ripped off, grass overgrown, knocking the door, no one answers. So I like, okay well I'm not gonna leave the box here because I think the house is vacant. So I go and I

leave. Then my supervisor calls me like, hey like someone said they were supposed to be getting a box, you didn't drop it off. I was like, I thought the house was vacant. So I go back and I talk to this guy and he comes out and mind you this is the Carolina summer so they get is warm here he's wearing like a like a full baklava and an N95 mask and a big parka and I was like hey man like what's up and he's like well you know you have a package for me I was like well I thought your house was vacant your box is full and he was like oh, I just don't accept junk mail.

And I was like, well, you can't just not accept junk mail. So I had to lay down the law, and now I make him manually mark every piece of junk mail refuse. But so that's just where it starts with this guy. He always has the same outfit on every time I see him. I've never actually seen his face because again, he's always wearing like a dirty N95 mask. He always has binoculars around his neck. He's constantly spying on his neighbors. He told me he called the cops

because he watched a lady walk down the street with a dog and then she walked back the other way without a dog. That was his activity. He is constantly ever vigilant in regards to the criminal presence, whatever that means. And so, I had a certified letter for him, knocked on his door. He didn't answer. I left him the notice. He comes and finds me and is like, well, what knock did you use? Like, I need to know because like, you know, oh, so we can communicate to each other. And I was like, okay. So the game, like an example of the knock that I use is it, well, that's a very similar knock that the criminal presence uses to see if people are home. The criminal presence. Hey, I've got an idea. I've had, at the criminals meeting,

here's our new knock. Oh my God. There. Yeah, he told me the other day that some people just moved, some renters moved out of the house that were living next to him. He said, I didn't know what was going on in there.

For all I know, they could have been running a lab. A lab? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, do you think they're like making mess in the middle of this town? Like, what are you talking about? You know, I think they're... Maybe they were just, you know, doing strep throat test exams. I have no idea. Yeah. Yeah, he regularly, he told me that he was convinced that someone was stealing his bushes and planting them in the house next door. I was like, what do you think he would notice this stuff, man? Oh man. Now, are you still delivering to his address?

Yeah, I deliver to his house every day. And it's always interesting when he comes out and meets me because he always has some new information to tell me about what's the goings on in the house and you know, the neighborhood. So yeah, he called, he told me that he was getting mail for somebody whose name didn't live there. And he's like, you know, I'm going to speak to you frankly, cause you're a government official. This guy's a total asshole. I was like, okay.

You can only tell somebody from the government that. Uh huh. Yeah, cause I don't want to. Right. And then he goes, he goes and tells me that he was watching a movie that the guy's name, which is like a, it was a pretty common name, he saw it in the credits of the movie,

and then proceeded to tell me the entire plot line of the movie. Was it a good movie? What was the movie? Bring Me Your Dead. Oh, sure. Apparently it's a, yeah, I never saw it, but yeah, they told me the whole plot line of that movie,

and I was like, great, man, and I was like, I don't think it's the same guy though. Probably. This is awful. And all the time you're talking to this man, you're on the government's dime. Wow, that's where our money's going. Yeah, for you to chat up some cuckoo bird.

In all fairness, we don't really take tax dollars. So. Oh, that's right. I don't know how the post office works. Yeah, I just always say somebody, my tax dollars are, like if my Lyft driver is late, I say, my tax dollars. Oh boy, my tax dollars.

My tax money pays for your car, mister. Oh my God. Well, but I mean. He's had a bunch of weird interactions with this guy. It's very interesting. Do you ever get a peek inside the house? Yeah. No, it's all boarded up.

The only time I've ever come close to seeing the inside of his house was I knocked on his door once and he opened up the window and told me he couldn't come outside because he's not wearing pants. Oh. I love him, but also he sounds terrible.

Is there like an option where you can like opt out of delivering to someone's home? Only for real safety issues. Like a dog bite shit. Like, yeah, a dog bite or not that long ago I had a woman smash a beer bottle and threaten to cut my throat. I didn't deliver to her house for a while.

What? Wait, why? Was she just having a nice time and she was like, ah, I'll kill ya. In all fairness, I will say, don't think this woman is well. I think she's allergic. As opposed to this other guy who's, yeah,

who's a picture of mental health. A pinnacle of health. I didn't have her check and she took, she took an affront to that. Wow. So she threatened the messenger. She did something at me. She said, bitch better have my money.

And then she passed the bottle and said, I'll cut your fucking throat if you don't give me my check. And I was like, well, I'm gonna leave. Wow. Someone else is gonna bring you your check. I'll fight someone at work. Yeah.

Oh my God. Wow. That is wild and also I'm sorry that you have to deal your checks someone at work. Yeah. That is wild. And also I'm sorry that you have to deal with people. That's wild. I mean, you get all sorts of interesting people. Like I've, I've been sexually harassed in numerous times at work. Um, just by like getting cat called by random people off the street.

Um, being a male carrier is super great because you get to see people from all walks of life and they clearly have no filter. What's the creepiest or wildest thing someone has cat called you with? So I was walking down the street and mind you, I am in shorts or something. I was in shorts and it was a hot summer day, so my shirt's unbuttoned, but I'm wearing a tank top. Oh. And they said, are you a mail carrier?

And I said, yeah. And they're like, well, you don't really look like a mail carrier. And I said, what do you think I look like? And they said, you look like someone who would play a mail carrier in a video on Pornhub. And their friend was just like, yeah, I could see that. Wow.

Okay, I'm at work, man. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, this pouch that I'm carrying is not, this is real letters. It's not, this is real letters. It's real, it's real mail. Wait, but question, the people who said that to you, were they hot? No.

Aw, I'm sorry. That was too bad. So if it was a proposition, it was a bad one. Yeah, I'm sorry, ugly people are hitting on you. That's sad. You're getting some action, Joe. There's a 70-year-old lady on my route who blows me kisses pretty regularly. I'm glad you said kisses.

Is that sexual harassment or is she like, oh I like him. Yeah. Hello. Or she might think you're her dead husband. Or her son. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. She's always like, I'm so excited to see. And then

she like blows me kisses. I'm like, okay. I had another woman who stopped me on the street and was saying something wild to me about like a package that she was like convinced I had in the truck because she mailed it out, but I didn't. I was trying to explain to her like, that's not where my outgoing is. Like. And then she just paused and was like, you're real cute. You into black women? And I was like, I don't know how this answers this question because if I answer truthfully, this is gonna get awkward. But if I say no, this will make me seem racist.

So I don't know how to get out of this situation. So wait, are you into black women or not? Yes. Yeah, my girlfriend's black. Oh, okay. Yeah, even I got that. Oh, I was trying to follow it. I was like, but I simply don't know.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Did you just say that? My girlfriend's black, but I guess you don't have to broadcast it to everybody. I mean, it's just like, again, I'm at work. Like I'm actively at work. I'm on the clock. It's a crazy thing to come up to people. My mom would always try and- Ask at 401 or whatever. Yeah.

I feel like your job is just dealing with creepy people. Just overall, the creep level is at a 10 and it's not you, it's everybody else. That's what happens when you interact with the public. And Joe, thank you for the call, we gotta move on. Yeah, absolutely. We got more, but good stuff. Thanks so much for calling in. Bye Joe, I hope it gets better.

Bye. I do too. Mickey from Ohio, you're on with Andy and Nicole. Hi, Nicky. Nicky, you're there? Hi, Nicole, hi, Andy. Hi there. Can you're there? Hi, Nicole. Hi, Andy. Hi there. Sarah, can you hear me? Yeah, yeah. How you doing?

Hi. I'm good. How are you guys doing? Good, good. How's Ohio? Hot? It is. We're in a heat wave right now. How's California? Yeah, yeah. It's honestly kind of nice. Yeah, yeah.

California's disgustingly nice. Yeah. It's like, it's boringly beautiful and perfect. Yeah, we had a lot of rain, but now it's just like it's boringly beautiful and perfect. We had a lot of rain, but now it's just been like really sunny and nice and warm. And people hear such pussies about it. They're like, it's been so gray the last few days.

Gray? Well, it's gray in the morning and that's pretty tough for me to wake up to. Well, boo fucking who? It means you don't need sunscreen. That's something. But there's an overcast, so you do't need sunscreen. That's something. But there's an overcast, so you do actually need sunscreen.

Cause the sun is there, it's just the clouds. Nikki, what's your creepy story? Yeah, come on. Stop us from fighting. Well, my creepy story was back when I was 19, I was set up on a date from a friend and it was back in My space and me and this guy added each other in my space and exchanged numbers. We talked a bit on the phone to

get to know each other and at the time I had wore my nails on the long side. Are you from Pennsylvania? No, Ohio. But did you move from Pennsylvania to Ohio? No. Okay, you sound like my friend who's from Pennsylvania. Okay, so you're wearing your nails long. I'm so sorry. Right. No, you're fine. And so he asked me a couple times about my nails, like, oh, do you go to the salon a lot? And I'm like, no, I don't. I'm broke. He's like, okay, well, you take care of him. I'm like, oh, I do. He was nice and respectful on the phone. So I agreed to go on a date with him. So we made plans to meet up at the mall. And I remember

I drove there. And as soon as I parked, he calls me and he's like, where are you? I'm going to find you. So I tell him where I'm parked, what my car looks like. I'm getting ready to get out of my car. And he hops into my car, immediately grabs my hand, starts kissing my nails and raking my nails all over his face. While he's doing this, yes, he's moaning and like just panting real hard. And I'm just like, oh yes, girl yes. And I'm just like, oh my God.

So finally my brain kicked in and the cringe and the ick kicked in. So I like snatched my hand back and I'm like, oh my God. You better not have been doing what I was, what I think you were doing. Cause he was sitting, he was panting. He was like trembling. And I'm like, I gotta go what you, what I think you were doing. Cause he was sitting there, he was panting. He was like trembling. Oh, yeah.

And I'm like, I gotta go and you gotta get out of my car. And he was like, I just need a minute. I just need a minute. I was like, what? You don't get a minute. You need to get out like right now. So he gets out of the car and just, we doesn't say anything to me.

And I go about, go home, delete him from my top eight on my space and kind of like, oh my god, and tell my friend like he was a weirdo, don't, I don't want to talk to him anymore. So he never reached out to me other than that until Facebook became kind of popular and he found me a few years later. He messaged me and instead of saying like, hey how are you, how's life, he immediately says, hey how are the nails, can I get a picture? I hope you know I came when I was in your car. Oh!

Wow. Ew, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's more than creepy, that's fucked up. That's nasty. That's really bad. Yeah. Ugh. I was like, oh my gosh.

And then I'm a little bit of a Facebook creep, so I had went to his Facebook every time he pops up as someone I may know and of course this kid likes all these weird nail nail art yeah yeah yeah wow he is down bad for nails okay just out of here but just out of curiosity, what color were they painted and how long were they when you were in your car? Well, I like I said, I was broke back then. They were probably they they were like clicky clacky nails, not too long, but clicky clacky and I had painted them like a French like manager.

Were they natural? They were natural. Oh, Oh wow I can't get my nails to grow. Well thank you Nikki that was a good one and I'm sorry you had to go through with that but I'm glad that you've moved past it and that now you can creep on the guy who creeped on you. Yeah exactly yeah. Thanks Nikki bye bye. Thank you so much. Thanks, thank you, bye bye. This is the Andy Richter Call-In Show on Conan O'Brien Radio. I'm Andy Richter and this is Nicole Beyer. It's me!

And we're talking to callers about creeps. Stories about creepy creepers creeping up on them. I actually did, I remembered as we're talking, I remembered a creepy story. My aunt worked at a Caterpillar tractor factory in Montgomery, you know Caterpillar. Yes, it took me a second. Yeah, yeah, they made tractors.

It's the brand and I was like, little tractors? Yeah, my aunt worked there and she was dating a guy that she met there who alternately would tell her that he was working for the FBI or the CIA. It would switch. It would switch up. And that he was undercover at the Caterpillar Tractor Factory doing this.

Whatever gets you through the day. And he one time was at our house and I had football practice and he said, I'll give you a lift to football practice. And I was like, no, it's okay, I can walk. And he's like, no, I'll get, it just got to where it was awkward. So I got in his car and when I got out of the car,

he reached in and had a already prepared $40 that he gave to me and said, here, take this. And I went, no, no, no, I don't need it. I don't need it. And yeah, and I was like, it's okay. And he like said, no, take it. And I said, no, no, no. And I started getting out of the car and he reached over

and he shoved it into the pocket of my gym bag. And I got out and I was like, no, it's okay. And I put it under his windshield wiper and just left. But I was just like. Yeah, you don't wanna I put it under his windshield wiper and just left. But I was just like, Oh yeah, you don't want to owe somebody something as a kid, that's fucking weird. Yeah, it was as abrupt as putting someone's fingernails on your face and then coming in your pants.

Ugh. Oh boy, I gotta look that up on Pornhub though. Ugh. Fingernail finish. Ugh, so nasty. Fingernails, no thank you. All right, listen, we got Loretta Waiten. Loretta's calling us from Massachusetts. Hello. Hi Loretta.

Tell us about your creeps. I'm such a fan of both of you. Yes I will. Oh thank you. Thank you Loretta. So I am creeper catnip, queen of the creepers. In one job I had, I worked in a kitchen and we had a guy come in every day, co-worker, hands outstretched, a little lean and said, where's my hug? And before you could even ask, gave you a hug. I'm busy, I'm working, I have 200 people, I'm working, I'm working, I'm hug. I'm busy, I'm working. I have 200 people, I'm working, I'm working, I'm cooking, I'm cooking, I'm prepping everything.

One day I just got fed up. I was like, you gotta stop. You're unprofessional, stop doing it. He sulked. He sulked for like weeks. Sulked. And like whenever I was like, hey, can you hand me that spatula?

No, I didn't actually touch it, I'd be unprofessional. Oh my God. And then, and then I had a friend, a long time friend, I was like, hey, can you hand me that spatula? No, I didn't actually touch it. I'd be unprofessional. Oh my God. And then, I had a friend, a long time friend, I've been friends with him for like almost 20 years now, but this was like 10 years into our friendship and also worked in the kitchen.

And it was his birthday and I got him a gift and started the shift. It was a gift. He's like, ah, hey, Tweeks, Loretta. Gives me a big hug. And this guy freaks the fuck out. He starts, he felt the tantrum. Like tears, tantrum, shoulders, why?

Why does he get a hug? Why can't I get a hug? Isn't it unberbatable? Oh my god. Oh my god. Crying, crying, crying. And I just, I finally like lost my shit with him. Cause like I said, Creeper Catnip,

I've had, you know, stores like this for days. And I was like, dude, I've known this guy for 10 years. This guy was invited to my wedding. I know his mom, I know his wife, I know his dog. I'm like, I'm like, you, he was literally like, weeks hired. Like weeks ago he got hired. So he was doing since day one that he got hired. Mm-hmm.

That's wild. Yeah, and he just. Oh my God. I mean. And that's like, and that's what came to story. Well, I'm a hugger, but I don't force people to hug. I just don't shake hands, because I touch my face so much. So I'm like, when you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story.

I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story.

I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story.

I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. I'm not gonna tell you the whole story. Like that. Oh, I don't even to cry. Yeah, that's right over over not getting a hug He has a I mean that again that again that seems like that seems like a get you fired kind of yeah, you know

I mean, oh you would think what did you yeah? Yeah Because that's just this company would care about its employees. Yeah. Yeah We do not get fired after your sobbing No, no. Was management brought in? Was management brought into it at all? No, cause they, cause every time they said, Oh, they didn't do anything. They rather, they didn't, they didn't, they just wanted bodies to work there. And so, and so they didn't care if the body wasn't working properly.

Or needing hugs. The body needed hugs. The body needing other bodies. Yeah, yeah. Right, right. Too funny. All right. Well, Loretta, thank you for that call. We're going to move on. I appreciate your time. Thank you, Loretta. All right. Next. We got Riley. Riley wants to talk to us about garbage bags. Ooh.

Garbage bags and creeps. That sounds like a good combo. I'm into it Riley. Oh, it's my favorite combo and a little scarring skill. Well if it's scarring, tell us because we're gonna love it. Yes. Nothing against your scars.

But I'd like to hear it. I think you knew that calling into this show you weren't going to experience healing. No, no, that was probably the least thing I expected. Good. So tell us, tell us your story. So I met this guy on Tinder and we had an uncanny amount of things in common.

We had the same birthday, we had been to the same shows, all these things. So it started off great. We decided to go on a date and we're going to meet at this restaurant. On my way to the restaurant, he's like, oh, I actually couldn't make it. Can you come pick me up on the street corner instead? And we'll go. And I'm like, sure. So sure enough, he's waiting on the street corner for me and he gets in the car and he's like oh before we go to dinner can we go to my apartment quickly and I'm like sure no problem so we go up to his apartment and he's like my friends letting me use his laundry machine I just need to get

my laundry over there so he had four garbage bags full of laundry that he wanted me to help him carry down to his car. Oh my god. Sexy. Before we do, so sexy, but before we do that and he's like, oh I forgot something in my room come with me. So we go into his room and he has this like little wooden chest and it's locked. So he unlocks it and he's like, oh, I want you to pick something out for tonight. And I look in the chest and he has about at least 30 sex toys all wrapped in individually ziplock bags.

And he wants me to take one and I'm like, oh, like, I'm probably like, good, let's just go for dinner. And he's like, no, these are great. Me and my friends, we've shared them. We've tried them we've tried them all like don't worry they're clean that's why they're in bags. We've shared them? Yeah like a group thing. Wait so did he want you to pick a Ziploc sex toy and then take it to dinner to then bring back to his place to use? Well the I think what he ultimately intended was to go to his friend's apartment

that he was gonna do all this laundry at. Oh, nice, and not go to dinner. Oh, no, so we still went to dinner. But we go to dinner and- Did you put the load of laundry in first, then go to dinner and, you know? Sorry, no, we took, I didn't take a sex toy I didn't pick one out but we took his four garbage bags of laundry put them in the car and then we were gonna go for dinner and drop off his laundry afterwards. So we pull up to this

restaurant that he had picked and he's like we go inside and everything on the menu was $4.95. So it was long story short it went into like he screamed at the server da da da da da then of course he had forgotten his wallet and needed me to pay. Oh yeah. Well at least it was reasonable. Yeah, it was cheap. Well, so the bill was $10. I left $15 on the table and he's like, oh you can't leave that much.

And I'm like, well we have to tip. And he's like, well can you get the change from the tip because I'd really like to buy a cigarette from someone on the street. Wow. Oh my god. Yeah so at this point I'm like I gotta get this guy's laundry out of my car and... Light him out of your life. Uh-huh. So so I start like doing the whole fake yawn thing like oh I'm pretty tired da da da like why don't we get going? He's like I know a great spot we'll just grab a quick coffee and I'm like let's go to the car and he's like no it's right around the corner let's grab a

coffee the coffee spot around the corner was a 7-eleven He's great. I know his spot. And. He's perfect. So I'm just kind of standing there watching him and he goes, instead of going to the coffee machine, he goes over to the fridge and gets like an armful of Monster Energy drink and takes them. And he's like, oh, and he's like, well, you said you were tired and we have a long night ahead. Oh my God, well yeah, it's four loads of laundry.

That's like four hours. Four loads, yeah, four loads of laundry to do. So he had an ulterior plan. So I get into this apartment. And he expected you to buy all the Monster Energy drinks too, right? You had to buy them? Oh yes, yes, of course.

Oh wow. But I was getting a lot out of it too for my long night ahead. Yeah, you were paying into it. Can I just ask Riley, at any point, are you going along because you're like, okay, this is kind of a good story and even though I want to get out of here I have to follow this you know did it become you know your white whale oh yeah yeah yeah it was the most entertaining thing ever plus I had four loads of this man's laundry in my car yes yes yeah you're committed yeah committed at that point so um and his apartment was disgusting, but his friend's apartment was beautiful.

So, we got these four bags of laundry up and I'm like, okay, now that I'm here, what's my excuse? I've got to get out of here. And all of a sudden, he has disappeared. And I, he's calling my name and he's like, Oh, can you come in here for a second? He's in the bathroom. And so I realized it's about him. I'm like, Oh no, like, we'll chat when you come out.

And he's like, No, I need your help. Oh, no. That can't be. And so, and so this is where it's like, I have to see what he needs help with. Like this is too good not to know. So I walk into the bathroom and he is fully nude. Of course. His hands are on the bathroom counter and he's like bent over.

And he's like, I'm just really hoping you can shave my hole for me before you fist me. I like it better that way. I love him. And you gotta do all the work. I love him so much. How wild. I need you to shave my asshole is already wild

and then going before you put your whole hand in my asshole Is the wild like you couldn't have I couldn't have guessed that's what that man was gonna say to you I need some help. Yeah And then what did you do? I Fisted him. I'm sorry. What? We're talking over the razor and gave him a beautiful shave job. And?

No, I pretended something was in my car and I got the hell out of there. That is, what a funny person. Also, what restaurant did you go to where everything was $4.95? It was called The Warehouse. It's in Vancouver, Canada. funny person. Also, what restaurant did you go to where everything was $4.95? It was called The Warehouse. It's in Vancouver, Canada. And that's Canadian. But the best part is I received a text from him the next day.

That said what? And it said, he said, I don't think we should see each other again. I don't think there should see each other again. I don't think there was much of a connection. This man is living in a world I wanna be in. Nicole is dancing. She's dancing in her seat. I love him so much. Just the audacity.

This man is funny. I'm gonna lose my wallet, we're gonna do laundry, you're gonna shave my asshole, and then you're gonna fist me, and you're gonna buy Monster Energy drinks and we're gonna fist all night. I mean, iconic. What a diva.

A diva for the ages. I love this person. What a treat. And again, as you asked a previous caller, was he hot? Yeah, was he cute? Oh no. Oh my goodness. I did too much justice.

And as soon as I pulled up to the street corner, I should have kept driving, but at least it's a story to tell. See, that makes him even sort of more of a hero, really. To have that much- An ugly man with that much- That much confidence, yeah. And like, you know, oh wow.

I'm obsessed with him, I love him. Riley, that's a- And I love that he's still at large. He's out there. Like he's still asking other people to shoot his asshole. Oh yeah. He's out there, yeah, with a hairy asshole. Oh my God.

Waiting, you know, waiting to receive. What a treat. Riley, thank you so much for sharing. Riley, oh, thank you. Of course. You know, I hope your love life has gotten better since then. No, it hasn't. Riley, I believe in you.

It will get better. It gets better. It gets better. OK. All right. Thank you so much, Riley. Thank you, Riley. All right. I think we got probably time for one more call, depending on the Andy Richter Callin' show

here on Conan O'Brien Radio. Let's talk to Kelsey. Kelsey, how you doing? Hi, I'm doing good, how are you? Great, Kelsey. What's going on? Hi, yeah, so I have a lovely creep story for you. This takes place a few years ago where I used to work.

It was in like a rougher neighborhood. So we would all leave work at the same time. And I drew the short straw that day. So I had to be the last car in the line. So the car in front of me had a friend going. And then all of a sudden, this guy is waving his hands wildly across the street, like beckoning to her.

And he runs over. And I'm like, oh, well, he must know him, right? No. Wait, stop one second. Stay, Kelsey, back up, because I don't understand why you're in cars and what the shorts draw. Yeah. Yeah.

You said that so casually, like that's a thing. Yeah, yeah. It was kind of a thing, unfortunately. We were so used to it. Yeah, we all had to leave work at the same time. Oh, I see. So you kind of- I understand.

So it was like a parking lot that you all exited at the same time. Yeah. I got you. We all had to leave at the same time, but I was the last car in the line that day. So, bummer. So this guy is running over to her.

I'm like, oh my gosh, they must know each other. They did not. He tried getting in her car and then she freaked out and drove away. So I'm like, sweet, I'm by myself. Thanks so much. And then he just, you know, hops in my passenger seat and he's like, hey, I got to take – you've got to take me here, here and here. I need your car.

Like he's very casual about it. And I just look at him and say, no, sorry. We're going to my house. Like, what do you mean? I'm like, I'm driving. I'm driving to my house. You don't get a choice. He's like, no, don't worry.

Like, I'm not crazy. I said, well, I am. So you're coming with me now. And he's like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't take me anywhere. I'm like, well, then get out of my car. So I just kind of switched it around, like, well, sorry, I'm gonna be the creepy one

and take you with me, sir. You just can't get in my car and make up the rules. Did you take him anywhere? No, I dropped him at the side of the street and said, I gotta go home. Oh, I was hoping it would be, we're happily married. We married each other, we have 16 kids. Oh, yes, but no, no, no.

He definitely went on to bother somebody else, but I was like, no, if you're coming with me, you're coming home with me, so make that a choice. I mean, I do like that you did that, but also, you shouldn't have to. Why are people getting in cars with people? Right, right. I know.

You should have hit the door lock. That's the other thing. If I was your dad, I would have been like, honey, why didn't you hit the door lock? I appreciate the playing crazy thing. I think it, okay, so someone did try to get in my car once. I was parked on the side of the road because I was early for something,

and then this man came up to the door and I was like, oh no, and then my doors were thankfully locked, and then he tried to open the door, so I rolled down the window and I was like, I'm sorry, and he went, oh, you're in here, and I was like, yes, and he went, okay, bye. And I was like, okay, but I think he saw my purse

in the passenger seat, he was like, oh, I'm gonna take this purse, and then. Oh, I'm sorry, I was gonna steal your purse. But it was so, yeah, but I was frozen. I like didn't, if they weren't locked, that man would have been in my car. Yeah, no, I actually, I'm sorry. No, no, but I get.

No, I know that like when the shit goes down, I'm dead. I get the question. I'm dead. Because I also was like, why didn't you lock it? But then I was like, girl, you didn't lock it that one time. Yeah, yeah. Thank God, you know. It was already locked, yeah.

Oof, that's so scary though. Someone just getting in your car. Yeah. Yeah, it can happen, clearly. Good smarts, Kelsey. Thank you so much for the call. Yeah, thank you so much. I love you guys.

Oh my gosh. Oh, thank you. Thanks for calling. Okay, we've got a, we're gonna wrap it up here. We've got a voicemail question. Somebody left a question. Which is a way, a valid way to submit your questions to this show. So can we play that one?

Hi, Andy and Nicole. This is Chloe from Rosendale, Massachusetts. I have a question for you about creeps that's been on my mind for a while. Do you think the internet has made all of us creepier or does it just make our inherent creepiness more obvious? I'm very curious to hear your thoughts. Thank you. Bye.

Hmm. I think it makes people a little creepier because everything is so readily accessible. Yes, exactly. So it's like before you even go on a date with someone, you can like find their Instagram, their Twitter, their Facebook, their LinkedIn, who they dated before. Yeah. Yeah, I think it just aids in being a little creepy.

Yeah, and while you're sitting there feeling stalkerish and feeling guilty and feeling kinda dirty and weird, everyone does it. Everyone does it. It's only natural, which does tell that that's what's in us. Yeah, we wanna know. Yeah, we wanna stalk.

We want to go through your drawers. You know, not your underwear drawers, but maybe the drawer that holds your underwear, but you know. It's like the Sex and the City episode where Carrie sleeps with this guy who seems to be normal. He leaves her alone in his apartment while he goes to work and then she goes through all of his belongings and he comes home and he's like,

what are you looking for? And she's like, I don't know. And it's just like, yeah, you're trying to find the dirt. You're trying to find something wrong with somebody. Whenever, I mean, I haven't housed that for anybody in a long time, but you leave me in your house alone. I am smilping. I'm going through all of your shit.

Yeah, fuck yeah. Yes. You know, you gotta just. An open house? Yeah. I'm gonna open your medicine cabinets. I'm gonna see what's going on. Yeah, so I think, yeah, I definitely think that Chloe,

I think that we both agree that it's made us creepier because it's made it easier. Yeah. And it also, I think, has shown us new ways to be creepy. Oh, absolutely. And, you know, and oh my, it's a corneacopia of different sort of sordid little things that you can find out.

And find out about yourself. Yeah, and then you're like, why is it 3 a.m. and why am I looking at this person's Instagram from high school that I wasn't even friends with? Again, again. And why are they part of a pyramid scheme? There is this girl I went to high school with who is clearly part of a pyramid scheme and I wanna be like, why they part of a pyramid scheme? There is this girl I went to high school with who is clearly part of a pyramid scheme

and I wanna be like, why are you in this pyramid scheme? But I don't know her anymore and I didn't really know her in high school. Listen, we all have our things. Yeah, yeah, it happens. All right, well thank you so much for Nicole for coming in here. Of course. And we're gonna pick a best call but I think it's-

Riley. Yeah, I mean, it was funny, because right before he called, I thought, oh, the fingernail call. Oh, the fingernails. I was like, this is sexual assault. Nikki from Ohio. I was like, this sucks. It's more than creepy.

But I like that man that Riley went on that date with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was truly iconic, and I hope he hears this and calls in and tells his side of the story, and it's the same thing. Yes, and then, you know, yeah, yeah. And he's like, what's wrong with everything I did?

My ass was hungry and hairy. I needed it. So funny. Oh, yeah. I love him. Well, folks, tune in next week. I don't know if we'll have any fisting stories. Or attempted fisting stories.

I hope you do. Yes, every day should have a fisting story. A nice little fisting story. But I wanna thank you again, Nicole, for coming. Thank you for having me. Nicole has a crowd work album or special. It's a special on YouTube. My YouTube channel was Whoopi Goldberg,

but I figured out I could change the name. So now it's Nicole Byer. It's probably better. Yeah, it's easier to find. It makes more sense. I mean, you probably thought it was hilarious when you said Whoopi Goldberg. I did, and the comments were like, why?

This was so hard to find. So yeah, it's on YouTube. I had a delicious crowd in Madison, Wisconsin that was like eager to share and they're wild. It's just, it's a fun hour of crowd work. Check it out. All right. Well, thank you so much again.

Thanks Andy. And thank all of you for listening to the Andy Richard Collins Show. We will be back next week. Goodbye and God bless. God bless us, every one of us.