The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Nori Reed: All Wild-Cards (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: December 12, 2025

Comedian Nori Reed joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your WILD-CARD STORIES! Cue the air-horns. Yes, that means these calls can be about ANYTHING!Want to call in? Tell us your favorite dinner party story or ask Andy a question! Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Hi, everybody. Andy Richter, funnily enough, it's the Andy Richter call-in show, so it's very convenient that it's me here. You're on Conan O'Brien Radio, as am I. And today, we are doing all wild cards. That's right. You pick the topic. You pick. I don't care. I just call us and say something of interest to me.

And I am very easy to, you know, to maintain interest. I'm very, I'm like a baby. Something shiny. I'm there. So our number is 855-266-2-604. Love to hear from you. And I'm lucky today because I have the very funny comedian, Norrie Reed, sitting in as my guest host today. Hi, Norrie. Hi, Andy. I'm so happy to be here. It's great to have you here.

For those of you who don't know, well, first of all, just pause the radio and go Google Norrie because you should. Watch some clips. Norie is a comedian writer and actress. She's written on After Midnight and Ravens Home. You can find her tour dates at norie reed.com. And thank you so much for coming in. Yes, I'm so, I'm happy to be here. I love the air horns.

Yes. I do. You go ahead and say the words. It's not dad-coded. No, say wild card. Wild card. Wild card. Wild card.

Wild card. Wild card. Wild card. Wild card. Oh, see, that's great. Yeah, I told Norie that somebody online had referred to the air horns as dad-coded, which guess what? I'm a dad, people. So what?

I can't run away from that. I'm very fertile. My seed took root three times. How's the holidays for you? You know, it's fine. I don't know. It's the worst time of year. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Where are you from? I can't remember. I'm from Kentucky. You're from Kentucky. That's right. Do you go home for? No. No.

Why would you? If you get out of Kentucky, you don't go back. Well, there's horses. No, it's like a heist movie. It's like, you know, they're like, one last ice. We'll break in. No. And we'll break into prison.

Absolutely not. Yeah. But is your family still there? My family moved out of Kentucky. So there's like, there's no real. I guess bourbon, horses, that's it. Yeah, yeah. That's the only reason.

Yeah, horse races, yeah. Yeah. So where's your family now? I have some family outside of D.C., another, you know, terrible place. Yeah. Sorry, I'm kidding. No, no, D.C. is weird. It's weird.

It's a weird place. It's a career city. Yes, yes. It doesn't seem that fun in the times that I've been there. No, no. It's, I don't like Boston. neither. I'm just going to say all the cities I don't like. You don't like. Yeah, Boston, D.C. Boston seems angry. I was feeling, last time I went to Boston, I was working in New York,

and I had a couple days off, and I went up to see the Dodgers play at Fenway Park. Oh, nice. Because I had never been there, and I thought, yeah, and I had nothing else to do, so I just got on the train and went up. And it did feel Fenway Park. It felt like there was a fight going to break out at any time. Any moment. And I don't. And I don't. think it was just me i think there really is just like a level of like testosterone and like old grudges like left over from ireland in italy that just are you know yeah the still burbling the boston tea party it only could have happened in boston right exactly there's no other place they would have thrown all that tea right right yeah they would have stolen it yeah yeah they're

pissed yeah exactly um so you do you go home for the holidays at all no i I, at this, day, do you have friends, Gibbings and all of that, yeah. At this point, New York, I'm sorry, New York or L.A. feel like home. Yeah. I got people in both. So I kind of stick to that. Stick to that. I guess the Bay Area too. The Bay Area feels like home too. Yeah. Because you kind of got your start in Oakland. I got my start there. And how did that, how did you end up in Oakland? I moved there to be a therapist to go to school. And then I realized I'd have to listen to people. Yeah, that's, it's a, that's the gig. Yeah. I mean, today's, today's, I mean, today's. Today's, I mean, today's, I mean, today's. I mean, today's, I mean, I mean, I mean, the only exception. I'll listen to people today, but I, no, no, no, I'm more than one person. No, I, once I had my, we practiced on each other therapy and, uh, the woman, she burst in tears and was like, I was a preemie. And I was like, I can't do this. Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to do this as a career. I can't help this woman with her preemie trauma. What do you want from me? Yeah, like, you were small. Okay. Also, it's like, really, how do you remember that? I, listen, yeah. And we really care for, like, they have the box and we put the stuff in the box for the little baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're fine. They're fucking fine. You got better care than a normie, you know, more attention. Maybe that's what you're addicted to is the attention. That's. The premium attention. Yeah.

Well, did you not think about that beforehand? No. Before setting out that like that was. I spent $30,000. I went, I'm going to do this. It's been $30,000. I said, actually no. Yeah.

And so I dropped out. Yeah. I transitioned and started doing comedy. Wow. Yeah. Had you been in therapy? Like what drew you to therapy? Yeah.

I've been in therapy since college. Yeah. And yeah, I love therapy. I still am obsessed with therapy. I love therapy. Yeah. I've been in therapy for a thousand years. And it's, you know, I'm this.

I actually have there, there have been times in my life when I thought like, you know, if I were to get out a show business like yeah maybe you know like in my old age if you know I could I think that that's something that I would yeah do you know because I do I'm so conversant in the language now yes but then again it I do come back around to that thing of the listening yeah you don't get to choose who comes in and talks to you no and if if you really want to do well you your your biggest clients are going to be people who make a lot of money and they kind of suck yeah yeah their tech tech guys and yeah and if you if you do well you're booked all day all day every day all day and i just couldn't i really couldn't do it and so it's fine i went the other way because with

stand-up you have the mic you're like i'm talking right you're listening yeah so i kind of went the complete opposite right right right yeah yeah yeah no ears all mouth all mouth yeah constant yeah yeah yeah that is uh it is funny because there is like i stand-up to me is one of the the most like they're you know the notion that a performer doesn't have an ego is just ridiculous because the beginning of it is like I'm going to stand in front of a room all the lights are on me everyone else is in the dark and I'm the only one who can talk like that's like really crazy yeah but you know it's it's a fun gig it's really fun I'm really mean I'm like mean on stage, I really, it's wrong. The stuff I do is wrong. Yeah. It's like, it's not right. I mean, I hurt

people. It's bad. I say the meanest things. They keep coming back, though. They come back. They love it. You must really have cucks in your audience. Oh, they are huge cucks. They, I was once in a write-up, someone called me a dominatrix on stage. I was like, wow, that's really interesting. I'm going to have to change, you're going to have to change your wardrobe. I know. I don't wear leather. So many accessories you're going to have to You got to wear more leather. It's like, it's, I'm wearing normal, I'm wearing cardigans. Was there a point at which you really knew like that, like, because most people, they start in stand up and it takes a while before, A, before you feel like you can stand up there without shitting

your pants, and then B, when you feel like, okay, I can do this for a living. And was there, how long were you doing it before you felt like that was the case? I was good from the beginning. Oh, really? I was good. Damn. From the start. Right. A prodigy.

Just a, you know, a little Mozart just up there. I actually started in, this is so a Bay Area, but there was a class for trans women of color to do stand-up. Wow. Which could only happen in the Bay Area. Right, of course. And so I kind of started off doing those classes. So I kind of felt confident going in because we did classes for like a month. Yeah.

And then I like did our first show and like killed and was like, I'm addicted to this. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And did you, how? long was it until you were sort of making a living at it? It took a while. I mean, two or three years, I had three jobs. I was a tutor. I was a community health worker. I almost said sex. I wasn't a sex worker. I don't know why I said. I actually wasn't. Well, that'd be fun. Sure, you know. I would be the, oh, God, I wish I could be a sex. I'd be so bad at sex work.

Talk about listening to people. Yeah. Having to listen to weird shit and people. I love the 30 Rock, like, Liz Lemon when she's like, you know, what was like $200 for a hug? No, something like that. Like, one hug, 200. Like, that's what it would be. It'd be like very that. Right, right, right. I'll hold your hand for, you know, a cheesecake factory gift card.

Yeah. 50 bucks. We eat sandwiches. We both eat sandwiches. $500. Right, right, right. Yeah. And you keep quiet.

Yeah. You just keep your mouth full of sandwich. Whoa. That's hot. That's actually hot. Okay. With that, we should go to the phones for this, our special wildcard episode. Our first caller is a pie from Los Angeles. Hello, Pi. Hi. Can you hear me okay? I can. Is that pie like the number? Yeah, it is. Nice. Nice. Nice. Whoa. How are you guys doing? We're doing good. How are you? I'm great. Thank you. you. Happy to be here. Thank you so much. So tell us your story, you know, your wildcard story.

So a couple of weeks ago, my fraternity had an invite, a formal. It's supposed to be a very nice event. You get dressed up in suits and you invite people and it's supposed to be a really good time. And I took this girl who I had met a couple other parties earlier on, who I had. believed to be, you know, a very, very kind person. I thought she was very pretty. It's really just like the perfect date in my mind. So we get ready to go. We pregame a little bit. And then we get to the venue. And as soon as we get to the venue, she says, I need to use the bathroom. And I'm like, okay, great. So do I. So we both go to the bathroom. I come back out. She's not there. I'm like, okay, no worries. I'll go get a drink while I wait for her.

I get a drink, I return to right outside the bathroom area, and a girl comes up to me and she says, is that your date? And I say who? And she points into the woman's bathroom. And I can see my date on the floor, covered in vomit. And she was wearing my suit jacket because she had asked to wear that and I said, sure. So that was also covered in vomit. I realized that we had must have pre-gamed way too hard because she's obviously very drunk so I'm like okay well we need to head home I mean this is sort of done so we get in the Uber to go back and then she vomits again profusely in the Uber we get back to my house and I'm not trying to make sure she's okay and then she vomits a third time on my couch Jesus Christ apparently the vomiting in the

bathroom was so bad that the fraternity has to pay $350 worth of cleaning fee, which they've been trying to hock off onto me. After she grew up on my couch, I was like, okay, well, like, I'll call you a lift. You need to, like, go home and get some water and stuff. And so we're waiting for the lift, and she, I ask her, you know, how out of this happened, like, what's going on? And she tells me, you know, I used to be anorexic. So I find a lot of comfort in throwing up and I'm like well wait a minute first of all that's bulimia how are you going to have an eating disorder and not know which one you have but secondable that's like I feel like you need therapy for that that seems very dangerous to me yeah and sort of yeah um so I'm like

I mean I start talking about like you know I wish you would have told me about this before I invited you to invite it's obviously a drinking event and she says yeah I know I'm sorry and I'm like and she offers to pay for the dry cleaning for my suit, which is very nice of her, and I had paid to get it dry clean for the invite, so I was like, okay, that would be amazing, thank you. So she takes my suit home,

and I'm like, okay, well, it wasn't the best night, but at least things are still good, and I call her the next morning, and she has taken my suit to the dry cleaners, which is great. But then, over the next week or so, she slowly starts ghosting me, which normally it would be whatever,

you know, but she still has my dry cleaning. She still has my suit. So I try and call her and I ask, you know, well, what's, where is, like, what's going on? And she won't respond. And I set up her friend with one of my friends for the invite. So I call her friend and I say, what's, you know, what's going on? And her friend just sends me the location of a dry team. So I call them up.

And it's been like a week or so at this point. So a dry cleaning should be done. and they tell me it's the most rancid suit that they've ever seen and that they need more time with it. So at this point, it has been three weeks, and I still don't have my suit. I don't know how many times they put it through the wash, so God knows how much it's going to cost.

Right. And I'm very broke. So I actually, if you have any advice, Andy, or nori, please let me know. Well, this is amazing. like there's so much like first of all the volume like had she been at a muck bang before the that's you know before she had and how much did you drink you say pregame good lord just the volume of vomit were you it was it like were you pre-gaming with chowder

i didn't think we had drank that much i know that she had gone to you know the campus dining hall which is like a buffet you can get as much food as you want yeah um all that so yeah i'd spend two hours after she went home drunkenly cleaning my couch um yeah um yeah i i have some advice yes go right head mary i think i have none i think pye should start dating trans women we're we're too discriminated against to act like that yeah you know we don't have rights and stuff so we can't really go we can't do crazy stuff like that to men we're grateful i think you know she's she really kind of is a demon succubus kind of just came into your life and really ruined everything that's this privilege and also to be like you know i take

comfort in vomiting well i take comfort in masturbating but i'm not going to do it in an uber you know you want you did that you once yeah that's right yeah but i had asked and they said yes i it was an uber I thought that meant anything goes. You spend the extra money. You ought to be able to have fun. Is the advice you're looking for as you want, is you want to get your suit back? Or what is the advice you're seeking?

Just, you know what? Just to sort of handle this, to be honest, because this is the first sort of event. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend a couple months ago, and it was a very, it was like a big thing. So this is the first time I sort of liked a different girl. And then I feel like it's been, because of that, it's just been like very, it's a huge thing in my mind, you know. Do you, are you, is there a part of you that still kind of thinks like, maybe we can make this work?

Well, there would have been if she hadn't ghosted me. And then I feel like that was sort of the nail in my costume. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, but is there still, because listen, I've, I've been there. Is there still a little party that's like, no, I did like her though? And, you know. Yeah, there is. I feel like I need to persevere through that.

Yeah, you sure do. That's what I was going to say because I, you know, just trying to get blood from turnips. I was like, I specialized in that. And it's just such a waste of time. And it sounds like you're in college, right? I am, yeah. Yeah, so I feel like in college there's plenty of fish. I feel like there's going to be other girls who vomit the normal amount.

Right, exactly. And, you know, or just like, yeah, not much at all. Not much at all, really. Yeah, that would be great. Yeah. Yeah. And I obviously, I want to be sensitive because I don't, if she really is bulimic, I, you know, I don't want to make fun of that. But, well, we kind of already have. Oh, she is. She definitely is. Okay. Well, I wish her the best. What I mean was we already kind of have made fun of it. Oh, yeah. You know. I mean, yeah, we've been making light of three vomit, three huge vomit sessions. But she should do that before. Yeah. Do it before the date. I also, I also, too, just. No, you go. ahead. I'm sorry. You get the new information. I'm just bullshitting. I was going to say she

doesn't, she's not bulimic or anorexic or whatever anymore. She just says that every time she drinks, she froze up. And I was like, well, why didn't you telling that before? Yeah, yeah, that's that's not, yeah, that's an inconsiderate person. I also think you might want to just consider

and I know, I understand you're broke and that, you know, it's your suit, but you might want to just consider it gone. you know because do you really if it takes that much to get it clean and is it really gonna you know it's but you know it was black friday i think there's some sales going yeah when you ever feel special and good wearing it again you know knowing what horrors it's been through i agree yeah yeah it's a good point yeah well anyway merry christmas

thank you merry christmas all right pie well keep up keep your chin up and keep you know keep going out there. You sound like a very, like, nice, understanding person, certainly supportive and Australian? Yeah, and caretaking. Are you Australian? Do you say Australian? No, I'm from London. He's from London. Well, no, she doesn't. At least I don't throw up everywhere. Norrie's from Kentucky. I'm from Kentucky, but I keep my vomit in. Everything, everything sounds Australian. That's the Chinese accent, right? All right, Pai. Well, thank you so much. And keep your chin up.

And, you know, there's a lot of nice cheap suits out there. Of course, yeah. Thank you. All right. Thank you very much for it. All right. All right. How are you?

You got a wild card for us? And I just wanted to first of all say, you were amazing on Dancing with the Stars. I love to. Thank you so much. Thank you. So I was trying to get home quick enough because you have my sister joining on this conversation. Yeah. So I don't need her.

Well, she's a big part of this conversation, but I am 51 years old. My sister is 41, and we just met each other four years ago. Oh, wow. We, we, she grew up knowing from our. deadbeat dad we'll call him that um that she had a sister named heather that was 10 to 12 years older than her he didn't know big surprise and but heather hated her wishes she was never born thought she her mom was a whore meanwhile the brief time he was in my life i asked him and he said i had no siblings so on Halloween of uh 2021 so four years ago

She found a Facebook post talking about his death and that the antiques community would be safe now because that was one of his things he liked to fraud out antique dealers. And I had commented on this and she saw my name and she was like, wait a minute, hold of the phone. And she was debating on whether or not to reach out to me. and her husband was like, what, what's, you know, what's the harm going to be? She's either going to tell you to, you know, screw off, or she's going to say, hey, you know, I have a sister. Yeah, let's get to know each other. Exactly. So she reached out.

I get this message while I'm watching a Halloween movie. And long story short, I mean, there's a lot more that I could get into about this whole thing. But long story short, I live with my sister and her husband, my two nieces, and yes, her ex-husband. Wait, they all moved in. You met them four weeks ago and they moved in? Four years ago. Oh, four years ago. Oh, okay, okay.

I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm not a good listener. That's okay. Less than a year later, I moved in with them. Wow. And we live together. We've now moved cross-country so that I can be close.

to my mom again, and we are a happy dysfunctional family. Wow, that's amazing. Now, how did you, I mean, you obviously very quickly realized, like, that there was a real bond here, you know, I mean, but to move together, that is pretty extreme. It was a big jump, but there was no doubt in my mind. Yeah. Like, I packed up my life in Flagstaff, Arizona, because I was in Arizona at the time and I moved to Salt Lake City, Utah, and it was less than a year. Wow. Like, I absolutely adored, you know, my family, I still do. Yeah.

And they are amazing. And who's idea, like, who pitched the idea first of you moving in? Um, actually my brother-in-law, um, my sister's husband, he, he started pitching it. And I was kind of like, oh, that's a big, you know, like, you know, big commitment. And, you know, like, I've got to. a job and this and that and he's like hold on a second let me I'll be right back and the next thing I know I have two little girls running out onto the back porch with me going auntie auntie will you move in with us you're going to move in with us and hugging me and kissing me and I just

looked at him and I'm like you're an asshole because how do you say no to that right right right and do you have kids or no I can I don't remember what you said I do not you do not well that's nice too, then you'd get the benefit of, you know, living with kids if you like that sort of thing. Oh, I love to. I wanted to have to be a parent. I wanted to be a mom. I think there would have been a damn good mother, but it wasn't in the cards for me. Right. And you do, but you do have to be. Oh, my sister's coming right now. Oh, she's there now? Yep. This is, this is, oh, hold on. I got unlocked the car door. So this is missa. Hi. Hi, Missa. How are you? It's Andy Richter and Norie Reed here. You're on the Andy Richter Collins show. There's at least a dozen people listening. No pressure.

So basically gave him the rundown. Yeah. So Heather, Heather told us about how you guys didn't know about each other until four years ago, and now y'all live together, like some big crazy cult. Oh. Yeah. Well, that's what she said. That's what I heard. Well, that's her side. She had no idea I existed. When I was, I want to say seven or eight, our dad had basically requested a DNA test to prove I was his child. Nice. Saying that his wife, his wife Debbie, who is my mom, wanted proof that I was his child and because of child support and all of that. And at that point, he told me I had an older sister named Heather that knew I existed, but didn't want anything to do with me. She wished I had

never been born and she hated me. So I grew up my entire life thinking I had a sister, but she hated me. Right. And I was told the complete opposite. He said that you didn't have any siblings. Yep. Yeah. I was told the complete opposite. You know, and a little back on him, we found out that he would, he has, we've done a little bit of deep diving. We haven't gone deep deep, but he's been married nine, nine times seven different women. Wow. And that we know He must have had something to charm the ladies. He sounds cool. Yeah.

He was... Charisma. He had charisma and he was intelligent. Yeah. That's about all it had going for. He used that intelligence to con people. He was not a good man. It's horrible.

No, he does not sound like it. Yeah. We kind of say that we probably have 87 other siblings out there. Yeah. It's kind of a running joke. It could be true. Yeah, yeah. Have you guys...

Oh, sorry. Have you guys thought about doing... a reality show? We have always joked that homework or lifetime would love to make a movie out of our story. And we've actually talked about making a YouTube channel, doing just like episodic things. Like, here's how many wives he's had. Here's how we found. Here's Heather's story. Here's Mrs. Story. And back and forth and just kind of like putting it out there and seeing if we can find our other siblings. Because we know there's more of us. There's not a chance. We're almost 10 years to the day apart.

Have you done any? Because can't they tell when you do like a 23 and me or whatever the other one is? Like can't they tell you, hey, you have siblings? So I did the ancestry DNA test and he, you know, it doesn't match me with any other siblings. So we want to try the ancestry DNA. We want to try the 23 and me. Oh, that's right. She did the ancestors.

We want to try the 23. Just to kind of try both and see what's out there. Well, Christmas is coming, and you can get those as a Christmas present. Yeah, but don't find more family before Christmas because that's more presents. Oh, yeah, that's right. You want to do it after Christmas because you don't want to buy all those presents. Right, right, yeah. And also, if they're going to be moving in, you're going to need a bigger place.

Yeah. No. We'll visit and we'll have like little family reunions, but no, no moving in. We've got seven people in this. household. We got enough. Yeah, yeah. And there's something special about protection she and I have. It was like immediate. I'm not like a super trusting person. I'm usually kind of like standoffish with people. Yeah. And it was immediate. It clicked. It was meant to be it was and she's somebody that I needed in my life because, you know, I've, I've lost, I had gastric bypass and because of

her support and her love and the love of my family, I've lost over 200 pounds. Oh, wow. Whoa. Yep. You guys need a reality show. Right? Really do. Yeah. It's quite a story. It is absolutely a story. Nori wants to be the Hollywood type that exploits you guys.

Yeah. If you guys want to, I could represent you guys. I'd take 85%. But that's good. That's low. That's low. Yeah. That's Hollywood.

Yeah. That's a bargain. 75 and you got to. All right. You know, we happen to inherit his intelligence. I don't think we'll fall for that. Oh, my, wow. Whatever.

All right. Well, guys, thank you for this lovely story. It's a very nice story. I mean, you know, there's a villain in it, but he's gone, and now you guys are just left to be happy. Yep, exactly. And on the 17th of this month, we get to have a party because it's the 10-year anniversary of his death. Woo! And yes, we're at having a party.

Yeah, yeah. All right. Thanks, guys. Have a happy holidays. Bye-bye. You too. Well, bye. Our number is 855-266-2-604 if you want to get in on this wildcard episode.

Next up, we've got Lexi from Fort Myers. Hi, Lexi. Hi, how's it going? Good. How are you? You got me and Norrie here, and we're ready to hear whatever you have to say. Oh, okay. So I don't have a story so much as I have like a pitch.

Okay. That's fine. Baseball sucks, right? Starting off really strong. Yeah, it's pretty spicy. Baseball is one of the lower tier sports. The best sport is hockey because of the violence. Okay, we'll see.

We have different standards here. I have some ideas for an adaptation of the sport I call extreme baseball that I think would make baseball suck less. Okay. There's some base rules. And then there's also what I call the wheel of, chaos, which is sort of a Wheel of Fortune type thing that gets spun

at the top of every inning and has chaos on it. Wow. So basically there'll be five innings. Baseball takes too long. There will be five innings. I feel like a shark. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is this shark tank? I love this. Exactly. But we have no money. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're not investing anything other than our ears. Invest your time in me, Shark. Okay. All right. The baseball diamonds, actually going to be a Pentagon because I think it's a more fun

shape. The announcers of the game need to actively be doing bong hits. Okay. Illegal. The batter is going to wear a GoPro on their head. So every time you can watch the batter POV of when they're running around per game, the audience

can vote for one fist fight. It can be between players, coaches, mascots, umpires, the owners of the teams, there's going to be an app and you can vote for who's going to fist fight and the kiss cam is now a dual cam the clay is going to be pink instead of red because it's concier a strikeout is going to get that team minus one point but a home run is going to be three points okay and then the last base rule is like the number of games there's like

162 games for a team in an MLB season we're cutting it by 80 percent higher the stakes need to be higher there's going to be 30 games okay per team per season and that's it we of chaos has things on it, such as minus one inning. So they start at five innings, but if you roll that, if you spin that one at the top of every inning, it could be over in two. Ah. There's a, there's one on the wheel of chaos for the pitcher does LSD. That's been done. Okay. Yeah, they're always doing LSD. Yeah, but no. There's one for the first ball of that inning is replaced with a live hamster.

oh okay the hamster can the hamster can be in a hamster ball or it can be just a loose hamster that's up to how fucked up the pitcher is in the head and also i guess whether they're already on lSD which is possible and how cruel the batter is because i imagine by the time it gets to the plate you know it's a hamster and so are you going to swing or are you just going to let the catch yeah it's like a moral you're adding a moral component if you're going to strike out your team loser the point now. So you kind of have to hit the hamster. Are you jigsaw from

the movie Saw? Because you're giving jigsaw. Yeah. There's eight things on this wheel of chaos. One of them is the basement get knee cappers, which is you're not familiar, is a weapon from Fortnite that's just a baseball bat with a bunch

of screws and barbed wire on it. Yeah. And you hit them in the knee. Okay. Oh, oh, they carry them. I thought they get knee capped. The basement gets We'll have weapons. We're weaponizing in the basement. Gotcha. Oh, the pitcher and batter are both blindfolded.

Okay. That's one of the options. And then also the outfielers have to... Some of this is just not doable. Yeah. It's a lot of illegal. What about the outfielder's wearing drunk goggles? What is that?

They're all like... They're all like... They're all drunk. Oh, well, no, of course. I know, but when you've got a batter and a pitcher blindfolded, let's look at this realistically. You're just, they're going to go walk everybody, you know. I feel like if they were really good, they would be able to do it.

I think Shohay Otani could do it. I don't think so. A lot of this is not doable, but the one thing that I think is kind of smart is the point of view cam. Yeah. For the hitter. They kind of do have. Do they do that? They have it on the umpires.

Oh, okay. And they have little cameras down by the bases so that when somebody's slide. In slides in, they have this sort of GoPro view of somebody sliding in. But if they did a helmet GoPro, that could be fun. It would be kind of fun. Yeah. You get like the first person POV of the person running. Right.

And getting potentially kneecapped with a bat. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Well, Lexi, I don't think, I mean, I'd love to tell you that I'm on board with these, but I'm not. The only thing I ever felt about changing baseball, because I personally do enjoy baseball. I like baseball Is that during the

steroid era Which you know All these guys were hitting home runs I felt like let them take So many steroids that they grow extra arms and stuff Like where you just It's like monster ball Yeah

And like everyone is just Yeah I do think we should introduce Roided out Yeah Yeah Showeotani And maybe the clones have like tails Because we don't have cloning technology

Perfected yet Maybe Maybe, or you just want that. That seems to be like your kink, maybe. Yeah. Showy Otony with the tail. You have a gorgeous fantasy world. You have a, fantasy world is lush.

Yeah. A lot of world building here. Yes. Yeah. Well, Lexi, thank you so much. Okay, there's a couple of it. All right. Well, just give me two more.

And then I got to move on. I got to move on because. There's a couple that you might like. One of them is just you have to run the bases clockwise instead of counterclockwise. Okay. Okay. All right, you know, that's fun. And then the teams have to swap uniforms, like in high school musical, too.

And everybody has a sweet, friendly moment together. Oh, that's nice. And did they change on the field? Yes. Oh, and I mean, do they change down to their, you know, athletic supporters so that you see some flop and dong? Of course. Okay. What else would be the point?

Yeah, that would, okay, I'll be behind that. Sure. Yeah. A little flop and dong in the seventh inning. Why not? I love that. All right. All, Lexi, thank you so much.

Thank you. And happy. holidays. Yeah, you too. All right. Next up. Oh, this is so special for you. Not only is it someone from Kentucky, they're named Reagan, like your favorite president.

I love Reagan. Trickle-down economics. It really did work. Reagan. Hello. Hi. Hi there. Is your name spelled like Ronald Reagan or is it R-E-G-A-N?

It's R-E-G-A-N. Okay. Oh, close enough. Well, how are you? I'm good, thank you. How are you? I'm good, I'm good. Where do you live in Kentucky?

I'm in Lexington. Oh, not fans? Nice. Yeah, yeah. Okay. What town are you from? I'm from Christian County. Christian County.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jues stay out. Oh, no. No. No. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, all right, well, what do you got for us? What's your wildcard story for us, Reagan? All right, I have a story from last year. It was my first year of college, and I had a crazy roommate. Her and her boyfriend, she had a boyfriend that worked at a funeral home, and for some reason, they thought it was a good idea to start going to the pet store in our college town, and, buying mice and then bringing them back to our dorm room and killing them. And then they would take them to the communal kitchen and tacitermy their bodies. Okay.

And then like would they do like fun arts and crafts with them? You know, like pose them in little scenarios? Yeah, they got like Barbie clothes and like that's. I figured that's, see, at least it's not a waste. You said it's not a waste of mouse life. Well, they also went on to do, like, raccoons and stuff. And they were, I guess with taxidermy, you have to put the bodies in an oven. So they would use the communal kitchen and, like, put the bodies in the oven and not clean it out afterwards.

And people were cooking in there all year long. Oh, wow. And they ended up having to buy a new oven. I had to, like, report it to the police at some point because it was insane. Yeah. But they ended up having to buy a new oven for the dorm building. Yeah, because taxidermy involves, like, chemicals and a lot of mess and they're just doing that in a dorm bathroom or are they doing it

in your room no like in the room how long does it take you to report this um i didn't find out exactly what they were doing until like two months with living with her and then i reported it and it took the r a's like five months to actually do something about it because they didn't believe me Wow. Wow. Well, I mean, you went through that. Yeah. I guess I guess she doesn't like people who are a little goth. That's what it seems like. You're a little anti-goth, you know, but whatever. It's Kentucky. I love the goth people, my gosh. I love the goth community. Were they like, besides these weird things that they're doing, what were they like outside of that? Were they nice people, weird people? Yeah. Like, yeah. We never really talked. I mean, I mean, she would just bring her boyfriend over in the dorm and they would just, like, do their own thing. Now, they didn't, they didn't, like, do dirty stuff in front of the other. Oh, yeah, no, they did. Oh, they did.

Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. That's so weird. That's just youth, you know, you got to sleep in the same room with people and they're not going to not fuck, you know? Yeah. It was gross. Wow. Well, I guess there's a foot for every shoe or whatever.

That is nice. That's beautiful. Yeah. Well, at least you got, you ditched her, right? Oh, yeah. I ended up leaving that school because of that, actually. Yeah. Wow.

Wow. I would too. And it's better now? Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Well, Reagan, thank you for the call, and I'm sorry that happened to you. I want to say one more thing.

Okay. I'm the one who made that sourdough that you saw on Instagram with your name. Oh, thank you so much. That was beautiful. Were there any rats around? You bring so much joy to people. Thank you so much. much. Oh, thank you, Regan. I appreciate that. And Merry Christmas. Happy holidays.

Whatever you celebrate. Happy holidays. All right. Bye. Bye. Thank you. All right. Well, that was nice. Yeah, people, um, uh, people, they called, they started calling themselves fandies. I love that. And, uh, they did all, so many creative things, uh, in appreciation of me and my stomping around the room. Um, back. People love dancing, and you're good at dancing. I don't know about that, but, I mean, I was doing something. People loved it. Mack from Arizona.

Hello. What's up? I'm here, fellas. Hi, Mac. What's up? How you doing? Good, good. I love you guys, man.

Thanks so much. First time, long time. Love the show. Thank you. Thank you. What wild card story you got for us? Hey, real quick, before I start, is there any way to know what the subject will be and like the couple days before the show.

So in case, because I got a few stories, you know what I mean? Sure, sure. No, we haven't been very good about that lately. Like this one was kind of thrown together late just because we're not really good at this. But we will be better at it. And in fact, you know, like next week we're going to be doing winter stories, like stories about winter weather, winter, you know, you get snowed in, that kind of thing. So there, you've got that for next week.

So, you know, it's winter is the theme for next week. But, yeah, we've been better at that in giving you a little bit of, you know, headway to know what's coming up. But that's, I mean, honestly, the reason this is a wild card is just we didn't know what else to do. So we just said, yeah, let's, anything goes. So anyway, Mac, what do you got for us? And also, also here's another tip, Mac. call in with whatever you got whenever you want we don't give a shit if it's a good story i could call with a wild card yeah if it's a good story we don't care so you know wild cards anytime all the time

what do you got for us today so when i was probably i don't know like 18 or 19 he seems like i was going to take a break from college for uh like a semester and so i got a job um at a at a at a dealership, like a Pontiac, it was a Cadillac, I don't remember what I was there, but as an oil change guy, right? And like, I was going to work underneath the oil, the main guy, right? The main tech. So, show up the first day for work, and there's oil all over the ground. And the main oil change tech has apparently gotten pissed when he left on Friday and was the last guy to leave or something, unscrewed the bottom, the drain plug on like the, you know, 250, 500 gallon oil tank and let it drain, right? So my first day of work is, oh my God, we lost

him. It seems like the GM, like General Motors stepped in. Wait, are you there? Am I not here? Oh, yeah, you dropped out for a second. I don't know what happened. So anyway, your first. What was the last thing you heard? The first day of your job was... Oh, I walk in, and the tech that I'm supposed to work under has apparently gotten pissed on Friday, and when he left... He unscrewed the floor. Yeah, there's all this oil on the floor.

And so your first day is, I guess, cleaning that up. So I squeegee all of that into, like, trench drains at the edge of the shop, right? Right. Like a squeegee like on a stick, like a brook, like squeaky that all up. That's the first day. So then the week starts, right? And then what do you, does it have to be, can I just ask, from an environmental standpoint, is it then gathered from those trench drains?

That's a great question, Andy, but 18, 19 year old me, you don't know. You told me to put it into trench drain. And it just, yeah, it's probably going in people's faucets to this day. Perfect, exactly. Yeah. And this is in rural North Florida, approximately about 1998. So it probably just made them smarter.

Yeah, nobody, yeah, nobody gets a shit. Yeah, yeah, all right. Yeah, put that Earl down there. Black gold. So then my week starts, and, you know, obviously I don't have the tech to work under. And so I guess I was supposed to be using his tools, right? So now I'm going around the shop, bumming tools off all the techs. They love me, right?

Yeah. They also gave me a video to take home that first night, which showed me, like, all these, like, you know, transmission flush, engine flush, all this crap I was supposed to sell people, which really didn't feel too comfortable with that, right? Yeah. Like one day, I got a truck, like a work truck full of like stuff in the bed up on a lift. And one of the text comes over and goes, hey man, that lift's not designed to carry all that weight. So you should probably hurry up and finish his old change and get out from underneath it, right?

so that's great and then another time there's a Cadillac and as I say I put eight quarts in it right and one of the texts comes over and he's like how many courts do you put in it I'm like oh I put eight you know because I don't know every car right and he's like oh well that engine only takes six course and I'm like oh my god well we got we got to drain it and change it and he's like nope no time get it out of here Some of these brand new Cadillac went out there with about two quarts extra oil in it. Right, right. But you should never take your car to these oil change places, is what I learned.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I decide it's not for me. I'm not comfortable with any of this. It's not really working out. And so I just tell them on Thursday, I'm like, hey, man, this ain't really working out. And they're like, you know what? It's fine, man. Just make tomorrow your last day.

And when I went in there Friday, they had a couple of gigantic trucks. like pump trucks pumping the retention pot because they realized that somebody had told me to squeegee all that oil into the trench drain and that they probably had a problem on their hand because it had all like you're asking to go on into the retention pot. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yep. So.

Well, that's General Motors for you, people. Yep. It was a terrible job. It was a comedy airs. Yeah, yeah. Well, you're beyond that now, and I guess it taught you that college wasn't that bad. There you go, buddy. Yeah, yeah.

I appreciate it, guys. Hey, you guys. You guys have a great day. All right, you too. Talk to you soon. Bye. All right. Nora, I think, well, we got time.

Probably one or two more here. 855-26-2-604 if you want to get in here on the end of the show. Daniela from Georgia. You're up next. Oh, hi. Hi, Daniela. How are you? I am shocked that I'm talking to you.

Hello. Hi. Don't be shocked. It's me. It's Norrie. We're here for you. Okay. I'm ready, you guys.

Okay. So I have a crazy neighbor story. Nice. I had a neighbor named Mark. And the best way to describe Mark is imagine a man who just wakes up every day and chooses tiny shorts and chaos. That was his whole thing. He just had tiny cheerleading booty shorts. He also wore suspenders. And when it got cold outside, he just added a beanie to the outfit. And that was just the vibe. Wow. Yeah, he would randomly show up at her door with random requests, like,

can you charge my phone? Or can you drive me to pick up my social security check? I think my personal favorite was, can I borrow some money? But he would pay us back if we drove him to get his check. And I was like, that's a no. I don't want to get murdered. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then one day, things got very interesting. We were just in our house and we looked outside. There were like 20 cops just lined up and down our street. They're on the megaphone calling his name. They're like, Mark, please come out. Like, you know, this is the cops, blah, blah, blah. So, So the situation escalated when the slot team arrived, and it wasn't for like a hostage situation. It wasn't anything crazy.

It was for booty shorts, mark, getting the slot team into our neighborhood. And all of a sudden, we're just like, what's going on? My husband and I, we did what any responsible adults would do. We opened the blinds all the way up. We were into full neighborhood surveillance mode. Yeah, yeah. He had no shame. I was like, this is what one does.

Mark tried to escape out of the back of his house, but they caught him and arrested him. He was a big man, so I really just don't think he was going to get anywhere with, maybe he was the turbo mode on the shorts. Yeah. But we were just like, what is going on? So they arrested him, and then a hazmat team comes into the next. neighborhood. So at this point we're like, what did he kill someone? Like what is going on? It's math lab. It's math lab. Yeah. I actually did hear that one. Yeah. So I was like, okay, what is what is going on? And the hazmat guys go in, they come back out and nothing. There's no bags, no evidence. Or like, all right, so I guess

he's not a murderer. So that's great. And when the cops finally gather in our street, my husband sends me out because I am I have been labeled as the household representative for neighborhood drama Yes So one of the officers told me they had a warrant for Mark for stalking and public indecency

Which honestly Public indecency checks out His booty shorts were his Formal wear Nice, yeah yeah There's got and there's got to be You know you got there's got to be slippage That happens

But all those SWAT teams for For booty shorts? Yeah. That's weird. It is weird. That's like one cop, right? Like one cop goes. What, is this in Atlanta?

What town is this? This is in Marietta. So it's kind of like 20 minutes out or 20, 30 minutes depending on where. No, yeah, no. But I mean, I bet you the SWAT team is just itchy. They want to do something. Yeah. Like, cool, can we send the SWAT team out?

They're bored. They're bored. I think there's just nothing going on. So they were like, who else do we have that's just hanging out? But it turns out that he'd been going out into his front yard completely naked. Okay. That's right. That's right.

And the neighbor across the street had put up a gigantic blue tarp, like she was just blocking the radiation from Mark's house. Yeah. And apparently the cops also told me he hadn't paid utilities or taxes in a really long time. and garbage was decomposing in his house, which is why they called the hazmat crew. So, because they were like, we don't know if it's decomposition of food or a person. Yeah.

I guess it's the same smell. Then Mark made bail. He came back. And then I kid you not, like two weeks later, his house catches on fire. It burned down. It was basically condemned. They just now demolished it this year.

Now it's like a brand new house. We have no idea what happened to Mark. But, I mean, his legacy is naked in the yard man with his little booty shorts. But wherever he is, I just hope he is wearing some good pants in this weather. Yeah, it's chilly. Yeah, well, Mark, if you're listening, just call in next week. The show's over now. But give us a call.

Just give us an update as to how you're doing. and if there's still things decomposing in your domicile these days. All right, well, Daniela, thank you so much. I'm glad that Mark moved on, and I hope the new neighbors, you know, they don't have a meth lab. I mean, because that can happen too. Yeah, I mean, you never know. It is Georgia. Yeah, that's what I was getting at, but I didn't want to say it.

All right, Daniela, thank you very much. Okay. Also, shout out to my friend Audrey. she downloaded a serious xm just for this oh good thank you audrey all right thank you guys bye-bye well norie that's it woo um after this we normally pick a favorite uh do we have a list of favorites up on the screen yet oh here we go there they are uh i kind of the first one i think was my favorite yeah the throw up yeah the vomit yeah yeah i was really good at storytelling pie yeah Yeah, you know, and I was with him.

I was, I really empathized, you know. A lot of these other people, I didn't care what happened to him. Lexi, I hope, I mean, I hope she doesn't work with kids. I, you know, I really hope that she kind of doesn't hurt someone. Yeah, she should maybe get into like, you know, MMA, you know, maybe start working for them. Yeah. I hope she goes to a therapist or, yeah. Well, thanks for being here, Norrie.

It was great to have you. Yeah, this is fun. Anything. Norrievee. Yeah, I'm doing Sketchfest, so... Okay, that's up in San Francisco. Yes, I do a show called Transit Girls. It's going to be in January, get tickets, it's going to be fun.

Awesome. Yeah. All right. Well, thank all of you for listening. We'll be back next week with more of the Andy Richter-Callin show, and I appreciate you all. I love you all. I release you. Conan O'Brien Radio

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