The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Paul F. Tompkins: Worst Job Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: September 26, 2025

Paul F. Tompkins joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your WORST JOB STORIES! Plus, Paul and Andy discuss Andy's first week on "Dancing with the Stars!"Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604 with whatever you want to discuss! This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien Radio Conan O'Brien Radio. Ah, everyone knows what that public domain jazz means. It's time for the Andy Richter call-in show with your host, Andy Richter. Hello, everybody. I'm very excited today because I have one of my favorite people in the world. Paul F. Tompkins here with me to co-host, to co-hear, to co-sign, to co-sign all of your worst job stories. Because both of us have had some pretty shitty jobs.

Boy, that's the truth. So you're talking to basically the Julia Childs's of the French cuisine of bad jobs. And it ain't over yet. It certainly isn't. And there's always, that's the thing about shitty jobs. The sun never sets on them. Yeah, they can come from anywhere. Because they're jobs.

Yeah. Because they are job. So how are you? What's up? I am well, first of all, your announcer. What a cool guy. Where did he go? He's kind of handsy.

So that's why we keep him in a booth offside. Oh, that's what that was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was my phantom limb giving me trouble again. I'm very well. I'm very happy to see you. I was unable to watch live last night. Oh, that's okay.

Dancing with the Stars. I am on it for those who don't know. I've watched one episode of Dancing with the Stars previously, and it was when our friend Matt Walsh was on. Yes. And we watched the first episode. He was eliminated. We never watched it again.

That's, I've had, I've had, and it's like there is something deeply touching about people saying, I've never watched that show. I never would. I'm going to watch it for you. You have to. That is just the nicest thing, you know. To see somebody you know doing that stuff? It's like, when do you get a chance to see that?

I know. It's like it really, and you know, and it really is, it's been, I went into, first, they asked me in April. I got an email, which I've been telling everyone my first, my first, I was home alone. It was like in the morning. And I got the email and my first reaction was, say no, and tell you. Tell no one. Turn it down and tell no one. Because like, if I told my wife, like, yeah, I turned down dancing with the stars, she would just like find a way to flush me down the toilet.

Right. It's just like, what the fuck are you saying? But of course, like in two seconds, I was like, it'll be good for me. And not just career wise, exposure wise, being on TV wise, just like. A life experience. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm, and I'm at, and at that time, too, I had been having all kinds of like pain and bullshit issues with my old fucking body. And I had certainly gotten to a point where I was not moving around enough. I, you know, I walk and I have a kid and I garden and stuff. But I know, you know, you know when you're not. You're not the move it or lose it. You're on the lose it ends of that equation. Absolutely. So I was like, yes, it'll be good for me. And it did make me get. that kind of get into a gym and, you know,

and start to do cardio again and just stretch a lot more. Yeah. But it's still when I got to it, I was dreading it. I was like, what have I done? Yeah. I'm going to look terrible. I'm not going to be able to do it. Like physically, I'm just going to be like Frankenstein stomping around

and not being able to learn the cha-cha. Did you ask them to do a Frankenstein-themed chacha? I did. And I said, I need really big boots. like big platform boots and a monster match Chacha if you don't mind these sleeves are still too long

but but yeah then I you know and I was having stress dreams like about dancing absolutely and I started doing it and it was like

it felt like just moving my feet the way I was supposed to move it there were times where it was hilarious to me where it would be like you know left foot forward right foot back then to the side to the side and i would be like honestly like a horse trying to get into a taxi cab over and over and over trying to figure it out and and then like within three weeks i was on tv doing you know according to that italian fellow not a very good cha cha but a chacha nonetheless so yeah it has been it's been one of those

things and as a cynic as a you know a devout cynical prick having to go like yeah i've experienced personal growth moving my body does make me feel better about being alive shit fuck i knew it now i am a reformed cynical prick you are a lapse what happened well you know it's it's it is experiences other people's experiences like that that i that i think of when i am presented with something thing. Yes. And a really a big one for me was doing a show called Snow Pants, which is an improv show that Ben Schwartz hosts at the UCB. It's just a live improv show. And

the idea is he gets people that are very seasoned improvisers with people who have done little to no improv together. Oh, that's fun. And then he do a show. At the time he was working with Jane Fonda. Wow. And he said, come do this show. And she came and did it. And so she was in the green room before the show. And of course, it's like, what fucking Gene Fonda's here? Yeah, yeah. And he, Ben came in the room and said, Jane, how are you feeling? And she said, oh, I'm terrified. And when it came time to do the show, she was, like Matt Walsh, again, was there. He pulled a chair and

she pulled a chair. She was the first one off the wall. Wow. And it really stuck with me that This is a person who is not only an older person, not only a very accomplished person, but somebody who probably just does not need to be bothered to do something like this at all. Absolutely. And she was afraid of it and did it anyway. And I was like, I always want to feel that way. I always want to keep that in mind so that I, if I'm presented with something that's kind of scary to say, okay, why am I scared of this?

Why do I not want to do this? and to not close myself off to a new experience just because it scares me, you know, to actually, also the idea that she's done so many things and it's still open to a new experience and is not just saying, no, I don't feel like doing that. You know, the fact that she was afraid is what made her do it, you know?

And there's something so valuable. It also makes me realize the difference between an experience that I know that I don't need, like skydiving. I don't need to do that. You know what I mean? I'm good. I'm with you. I'm good.

But Dancing with the Stars, that's terrifying to me. But I would say yes for that reason because I want to, I want to have that experience that I, when am I ever going to have that experience again? That's, I'm with you and that's a beautiful story. And she is in me, I've done like some, you know, like politically fundraisery, organizing kind of things with her. And yeah, when you're around her, you do feel like, oh, okay. You know, like I'm not big into hero worship, but like, okay, there's, that's a pretty good candidate right there. Like you said. And yeah, I wouldn't, I wouldn't do that.

Yeah. I'm an improviser. And if somebody that I kind of knew said, hey, come down and improvise, I'm, I've gotten to, I mean, I might do it now, but like, I'd gotten to the point where I was because I've been asked too many times to do shows at improv-y kind of shows with people and they'd say this person you know and this old friend of yours and this old friend of yours will be there and then I show up and they're not there and it's just me and like people that are 25 years younger than me and I feel like a fucking old perver I feel like the way that when I watched the one episode of Euphoria that I watched I just felt like I should not be watching this they think i asked to be on this show so i mean i would i made a habit of like no

unless i know the people i'm not going to say yes because it just feels too weird but there she went and that that is it's incredible yeah and that too is something that i have told myself over and over again don't close off don't let the crust grow over you yeah don't end your life in fear absolutely And in contraction, always be expanding and always be ready to do the new thing and to be open to the new idea. And yet I don't think I was following through, you know, it took being on a televised ballroom dance show to make me go, like, all right, I guess I really should learn a foreign language or whatever, you know. For me, the next one, the next one is like, I am not a good swimmer. I dog paddle basically my entire life I've kind of dog paddled and there have been numerous times in my life when I have been on a boat either in a lake or the ocean or whatever and it's like hey let's swim to shore and I don't want to say oh no no that terrifies me because I'm afraid I'll die yeah so I do it and then in the middle of it I feel like I'm going to die and I don't want to feel like that anymore so I've been thinking I've always thought like I should take real swimming lessons and learn how to swim like the you know stroke stroke breathe out the side yeah

because whenever i've tried that too i feel like okay i'm gonna die i'm just that i'm inviting death yeah and that's like after this is over oh i'm gonna learn how to swim for real you know and then just try and find the next one of those and that's also just a good thing to be able to absolutely yeah yeah yeah yeah because you never know you never know with the seas rising you know we might we might be swimming to get to Culver City. You never know. Oh, I'll just drown. Culver City.

And look, there's some nice restaurants that'll probably be fine. To swim to? Yeah, even under the ocean. That'll probably be pretty nice. We should go to the phones. Oh, you know what? I don't have any, I don't have my thingy up. The screen that shows me callers, et cetera.

We're having a technical. Oh, wait, here it comes. I also would like to see my soap operas on if we could put that on, I can't watch my stories. No, no, no, I was talking to Rich about what? There we go. Now it's up. You want your stories? Yeah, could you, on this screen, could you put it up the young and restless?

Is it still on? I don't even know. God, I hope so. I don't even know what's on. I bet it is. I think like the major ones are all still on. Some of them are online. They're just online.

Wow. They're just web series. What a cruel thing to do to old people. Isn't that? Isn't that terrible? poor Erica Kane Let's go to the phones Once again

We're talking worse jobs You're here with me and Paul F. Tompkins 855-266-2604 is the number Let's go to the calls We got Kim from Long Island Kim, hello Hi, Mr. Mr. F. Tompkin Oh, Kim, please.

Hello, Kim. I'm a huge fan of both of you This is, this is so surreal. Piss pig for life, you know. What'd she say? Oh, no. Thanks, Kim. Now I have to explain it.

Fist pig? But if only. I'm sorry. It's Piss Pig. Oh, Piss Pig. Which is what the fans of a podcast, I have a podcast with Scott Ackerman and Lauren Lapkis called Threatom. Freedom.

And for some reason, our fans have elected to call themselves Piss Pigs. That sounds like an Ackerman thing. No, they voted on it. Really? They voted on it. And Kim, is that correct? I mean, personally, I was not partaking in the vote. That's what we hear from everybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The democracy spoke, so I'll just kind of go with it. You should put it on a medical alert bracelet. And a psilin allergy and piss pig. So tell us about your bad job, aside from being a piss pig. Well, so in college, I used to work for a state park, which is also a beach. So as you can imagine, it's a lot of a lot of clean-up, definitely a lot of garbage, a lot of cleaning bathrooms. But I think the absolute worst cleanup I ever had to deal with, it turned out to be quite a spiteful one.

I had a boss, and then I had a co-worker. We'll call her Cam. And she was very openly against our supervisor. All this say, down the line, our supervisor will call her Jay, pulls up into a truck, just kind of stone cold, no emotion, says Kim, Kim, get in the truck, grab some mops. And I knew better than to ask any questions. I mean, how is that going to help, right? When you hear get in the truck, grab a mop. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So she, we kind of rode silently down to the golf course that was also at this park. She dropped us off. She's like, here's a radio. Just call me when you guys are done and you need me to pick you up. So Cam and I walk over to the bathrooms. And I'm not sure if either of you are familiar with the film, Dumb and Dumber, the sequel to the film Dumb and Dumb. I'm familiar enough to know what you're talking.

talking about. So the famous being where Bob Sagget sort of opens the door to the bathroom and sort of has a meltdown, says, you know, there's, there's cool everywhere, there's two, almost, that's, that's kind of what I imagine he saw in that moment. So it was just, I mean, floor to ceiling. I almost, it feels like it must have been malicious from whoever I don't, granted, I'm, I did not go to medical school. I don't really know sort of what the human body is capable of.

That's right. That's a very generous allowance. Kim, without turning people off about this story about a room covered in shit, are we talking sprayers, spray, spatter, or smear? Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, it was, I think more so the first two. Okay. I think any.

That doesn't seem that sort of like a turning. That seems like trying to do it. That seems like more, not exactly an absence of malice, but it makes malice less likely. No. I would also argue to say whatever smears seemed like they tried to do what they could, you know, to clean up the evidence. But then they realized very quickly, it was out of their age. Yeah. Yeah.

It was, wasn't it? Now, look, a lot of times, it could be that it was some professional bodybuilder who took his rotating turntable. into the bathroom to oil up and then he was like oh no it's happening and it's too late my turn table

I meant to turn it off but I sped it up I was oiling between my toes oh no so what do you do I mean you grab a hose and try to try to do the best

I mean we're also talking about like 19 20 year old girls you're like, I'm no professional at this. I think my best set is just to kind of power wash what I can. And then I don't know. Right. I think I sort of blocked out. I try to block it out of the memory and not think too much about that.

Perfect stratagem to me. It got done. And then down the line. These bathrooms, I'm imagining from what I recall, are just like concrete kind of bunker, right? It's not, we're not talking about tile on the walls. Yeah, no, no. Floors, yes. Wall is more of that, yeah, concrete kind of what you would expect. Is it a flush toilet or is it more like an outhouse kind of thing?

Oh, no, it's a flush toilet. Okay. And drains in the floor at least? This was the golf course section, so it was a little. Oh, the golf course. Oh, yeah. Oh, well. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, so it was a golfer. That makes it even more exciting. Right, right. Four.

Oh. So now, how does the sort of political or the personal politics of Cam being angry about the supervisor, how does that enter into it? Right. Right. Well, I'll try to try to give context very briefly. Our supervisor sort of painted our little home office to a color none of us like. And so other supervisors who are a little more whimsical said, you know what? Let's paint the walls a little bit. with, like, you know, handprints, we'll draw on it. Jay did not like that. And Cam added a little message, a little snarky towards Jay on the wall. And me being that, you know, I just like to talk and chat with people. I like to get along with the people I work with. So I make the effort to know be on good terms.

And Cam and I both really enjoyed Broadway and musical. So we would chat about that a lot. And I guess nobody else really talked to Cam. too much. So Jay saw me and Cam sort of giggling over Broadway and she's like, oh, these two. These two are trouble. Guilt by association.

Exactly. Exactly. So I kind of, I got tagged on there. That's why you got on the shit, dude. I did. I did. What was, can you? Can you divulge the

consequence? Can you divulge Cam's snarky message on the wall? I think it was just, it was something very like, I don't know, kind of medium. Obviously not too vulgar. I think it was just kind of like take that Jay because she was kind of spearheading the wall change. But Jay was correct? I think there was a little more. There was more.

Do I understand this, that Jay was Cam's boss? Is that correct? Yeah, because that's correct. Yeah, that's bold. Yeah, it sure is. I don't remember ever. Kind of sassing my boss. And any job I ever had.

I'm going to put a message of rebellion in her eyesight that she'll see every day. Well, mind you, we're talking about high school, college-age kids who haven't really fully breathed, you know, being a responsible human being. Yeah. Seems like Jay got it at some point. Here's a message for you. Yeah. Go clean up this shit. destroyed this shit room.

Well, you know, the best part of it is Jay and I still remain very good friends, and I am going to her wedding in a few weeks. Oh, lovely. There's a happy ending after all. Oh, lovely. So Jay was right. We've passed it out. We've made it, yeah.

Yep. Get her a nice mop as a wedding show. There you go. You know, I didn't see it on the registry, but I think that'll be a good for us. Yeah, get her a topic of one. And then with no message, just like, there you go, get it. I had to do this one because of a few of what. I'll remember.

I'll remember. It's a historic story. All right, Kim, well, is that it for us? This is a delightful call. Shall we move on? Yeah, I hope we got us set it in the right direction. You did. You did.

Thank you so much. Okay. Thank you. All right. Thank you, guys. Have a good day. Bye, Kim. All right.

Oh, this is exciting. caller is anonymous we've never had one of them not the anonymous hello anonymous how are you what is your message for the world's government my message for the world i am like shaking this isn't it's like a mix of shaking because of what i'm going to talk about and shaking because i'm talking to andy richter and the amazing andrew lloyd weber i am just honored i know i feel the same way i know this is just like this is just like a day for you guys. This is just the thing you're doing. But like, um, for us, you know, for a lot of us, it's, it's huge. Well, our notoriety will, will mask your anonymity. So, you know, you can skate in here, unknown and, and leave the same way. And if it helps,

as human beings, we suck. Yeah, yeah. Real bad. Yay. Oh, that makes me happy. Real bad. Okay. So I spent about a month. doing housekeeping for a nudist camp. Oh, boy. And it is not as glamorous as you might think. Yeah, you know what? And I wouldn't think it was very glamorous. You're not going to tell me these people have terrible personal habits, are you?

Oh, my goodness. Well, I am fortunate enough that I was just there for the opening. So getting things set up. I don't like the word opening tied to nudist colony when you're talking about cleanup. It's not a colony. They want to make sure, you know, it's a camp. Okay, okay. They did not, they did not usurp the natives.

Do not work. They didn't seize the means of production. It's a camp. They didn't introduce smallpox and do an existing community. That would be something. There had these blankets. Oh, my gosh, these nudists are so nice. You know we're not going to use them.

Because we knew. Okay, so, nudist camp. I really, yeah, I like naked bodies. You know, that was going to be kind of fun. But, no, that's not who it is. So it's run by, it's owned by an older couple, and they were delightful, but at the interview, you know, everybody's dressed. Yeah. So, you don't, well, okay, I get hired.

Of course, because, you know, lots of people trying to get this job. Right. Now, may I ask, was your nudity expected? No, it was actually optional. So I had the choice if I really wanted to. I see. But unfortunately, I didn't quite get comfortable enough with this gang to do so. But, you know, I like to watch.

But anyway, so when I show up for my first day, everybody who works, there's naked. and we're just going through these little, they have, you know, little trailers and campers that they, that people rent when they come visit and we're, you know, sprucing them up as much as one can do. And so the sweet, you know, 60-year-old naked ladies standing on a little stepstool telling me to find her a light bulb to change the light bulb. So I'm like, faced the vagina, like handing this lady a light bulb and I am like, what? is this existence. You know, I'm, I'm just a nice, like, middle-aged lady and doing, you know, office work during the day, and here I am handing an elderly woman, a light bulb. And so it's, it, they gave me instructions on what to do.

You're putting, like, these damp, rid things to, like, soak up the moisture that's, like, in the campers they're so musty after like a season and they have these mismatched sheets that go on all the beds they have a really nasty hot tub so many old naked people though that is like I mean I guess I don't know where did the hot young naked people go because it is not here great question yeah they yeah that's it's you know it's the difference between the buyers and sellers market yeah you know I like the sort of, you know, the hope of maybe if me, I with this body get naked, other better-looking people will get naked. Right, right, right.

If I just get it started. I'll be the bass player in the band. And then an alto sax will come in here and blow our minds. Yeah. To be fair, it was the opening of the season, maybe deeper into the season is when. the hotties showed up. Let's wait for some of these oldies to die off and then we can get in there. I just, I do think that there is something about like, with age comes the breakdown of shame.

And there are people. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, what the fuck? I don't care. You know, I mean, I just think that it's just, it's easier as you get older to just not, to not care. That hasn't happened for me yet. Yeah.

But I can't wait for when it does. But I also feel like there's, I understand, I'm not against you wanting to be nude in your own surroundings, of course. Right. But doing chores with no clothes on seems like just practically a bad idea. Yeah, yeah. Oh, gosh. Yeah. I mean, I've been.

Well, one of them had an apron, so. Yeah, who's running the friar? I'm and I've talked about this on this show before like I've been to nude beaches and I like swimming especially in the ocean naked oh sure but not like going to a 7-11 like shopping at a grocery store or playing badminton like playing badminton nude they had a badminton court you have no idea they had badmen they had tennis well clearly volleyball yeah any all of the floppy sports You know? Ouch. Yeah. Well, did anything, I mean, were there any sort of particular instances that sort of embodied the disappointing nature of this job, of this once seemingly exciting and thrilling job? Well, can I just tell you, I had a little housekeeping golf cart that I rode.

And it is so hard to drive those safely while side-eyeing everybody. Sure. So it was disappointing that I didn't have like dark enough sunglasses or an opportunity to really, to really absorb my surroundings. Me, because you were, you were peeping. Is that what you're saying? Oh, God. How could you not? Well, I guess you're right.

Yeah. It feels to me like, you know, nude camp and mirrored shades go hand at hand. Yeah. Yeah. I should have thought that through. Yeah. Or like a welder's helmet. It can be able to really like, oh, hello.

It's for my safety, I must. Oh, yes. How many folds can I count today? All right. Well, thank you very much, anonymous for the call. Yeah, absolutely. I'll never get a chance to talk to Paul F. Tompkins again. So can I, if you mind if I just ask, when you're talking about the,

owner of the dog saying he's okay he's okay yeah you know that he was talking to the dog right oh i figured that out like they're pulling the dog you're okay i figured that out so many years later oh that haunted me like that has haunted me okay well i love you both so much love you thank you thank you call back some time when you're not ashamed to give your name well too all right thanks all right 855 266 two 600 four is our number. We're talking worse jobs. Got a lovely call from Canada, a lovely place.

I love it when the Canadians call. Hello, Sarah. Hi, how are you? I'm good, thank you. How are you? Oh, Sarah. Oh, we said, how are you? And then we heard nothing.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, I'm doing all right. Okay. Just hanging out right now. Great. So tell us about your, your worst job story. Yeah, so I don't know this is the worst job, but it's definitely one of my worst job stories. I used to work at a military hotel. A military hotel?

Yeah. I never heard that before. Yeah, it's people who have to, like, I mean, sometimes they'll have, you know, certain, like, stays they have to do for, like, doing a certain thing. I'm not too sure. I, as a civilian, I don't know. But anyways, we had, we had some Russians come in. It was kind of rare to have, like, it was the only time I ever, we had ever had Russians come, and we actually had to have them sign in and out on a little book if they wanted to leave. Wow. Active members, active members of the Russian military.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And actually one thing I learned from them is that, Part of their actual uniform is a pen. I don't know why. Oh, that's cute. A pen. Isn't it a nice pen? A pen.

It was a nice pen. Yeah. Steam power. I should hope so. So that night I got a, I had somebody come down who was staying underneath them and they're taking a bath and they said that

they saw water falling down the wall in front of them. Like, that's interesting. I'm going to go see what's happening on the floor above you. And before I even made it there, I'd say half of the Russian military that was staying there had come down to inform me. Well, the other half started trying to stop the flood. So I ran up to see what's actually happening. And water's just spraying out, like, high velocity and at the top of the toilet. I have no idea how it happened.

I don't know what they did, if anything. but yeah, just huge spray of water and basically it's, I'm working the front desk. It's basically my job to not fix it, but get the people to fix it. So the Russian military is just there like

I want to fix the issue themselves. They want to like, they're all there like you know, like this issue contact the fire department. I contact my manager and my manager's just like don't let them fix it themselves. So I'm just in person. It's secret.

Like, you know, I'm just trying to tell 20, 25, Russian men don't speak English to stop fixing something. Yeah. Didn't really work out that way. They ended up doing it themselves mostly by the time the fire department came around. But yeah. The fire department. Now, was it coming out of, did you say it was coming out of the tank? Yeah, it was like one of those toilets where you see, like, the exposed, like, chrome and it was.

Like up out of that area. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, this actually happened to me once when I was in Atlanta shooting episode. I will do the game show 25 words or less. And I went into work on my first day and the urinals were occupied. So I went into a regular toilet salt. And it was like that.

It's like the porcelain bowl and then a chrome stem. And then like a little pulley lever and then a valve thing. And I peed, flushed it, and they had exact same thing. Just like a beautiful fountain just completely drenched me from chest to knees. And luckily it's the fresh water coming in. It's not the water coming out of the bottom. But you have to keep telling yourself that. But it's still, yeah, it's still toilet water.

And I'm literally like 10 minutes away from, you know, like, here we are with Meredith Fierrez. It's just solve fun puzzles and win people money. It's like, Meredith, quick, douse yourself with water so I don't look weird. Go flush in there, please. But yeah, so what happens? So is that, the Russians fix it? Do they fix it handily? From my understanding, my just kind of ended, but from my understanding what they

told me is that they pretty much fixed it themselves. The fire department just came in afterwards and kind of, for everything. was okay and that type of thing. We got to hand it to these Russians. They really know how to... There's a military fire department actually too. Oh, wow. They have their own fire department.

They have their own police. Yeah, keep things quieted down. All the toilet emergencies. Do you think there was some espionage going on and the Russians obviously planted a toilet bug? Yes, that's it. That's got to be it, right? Yeah, yeah.

We must trick your name. Habits of Canadians Even if it was an accident You're like It really did break You're like We might as well put a bug in there Why would you know what

I mean? Yeah absolutely Come on Just for shits and giggles Get the bug suitcase You have bug on you No just pen There let me go back to the room

Oh man Check in hollowed out the Bible For a bug Oh I could do that all day All right All right Sarah Sarah, thank you so much for the call.

Thank you so much. I love both of you. Have a good one. Thank you so much. Oh, now this is fun. Jack from Scotland, it just says, Jack from Scotland, toilet. You know it's got to be good.

You worked as a toilet? That's worse than a pissed pig. Hi, Jack. How are you? I'm doing well. It is an honor and a pleasure to talk to you both. Oh, thank you. you so much. Your accent is beautiful. Yes, that brogue.

Well, I'm broke. Burr. Can you tell, can you tell I'm not from around here? I thought you were just making us comfortable. I'm an American lived here for a few years now, and we love it. I've always wanted to go. It seems like a lovely place. You guys should come do something at the Edinburgh Fringe. I would bring all my pals from Dundee down to Edinburgh to see you. I have not done the Edinburgh Fringe. I've been to Glasgow. I went there for the first time last year with Comedy Bang Bang.

Oh, nice. Really lovely time. Yeah, no, it looks like a great place, yeah. All right. We're booking something right now, Jack. Tell us about your toilet. Sounds great. I'll be there.

So, yeah, toilet. Yeah, it's kind of a running theme kind of coming through here, isn't it? Yeah, so when I was back in college in Ohio a long time ago, I worked in a fast food joint. and one of my responsibilities was to make sure the bathroom was clean and functional and just as an important note in all this it was a great place to work but they were notoriously cheap you know they would not shell out if if things broke you know they wanted to cut corners as best they could so one day um the men's toilets clogged and that was you know jack here's your deal go take care of that so um i slapped a sign on the a stall door. It was the only stall in the men's room, said, out of order, do not use. Nice, big letters, you shouldn't have been able to miss it. I was wrong. I go to get the plunger. I come back, and this guy is sheepishly walking out of the bathroom. No. And he just looked at me and he goes, I'm sorry, I didn't see your sign. I just went, oh, crap. Honestly, I would, I would rather

just have him go, you know, like, have fun rather than like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't see your sign. Also, I'm sorry for lying just now. Well, I think he was hoping that he would get away from there before anyone who worked at the restaurant. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he's getting his car with a perfect crime. It was pretty perfect. And I'll go in and I'll just say, based on other things I've heard here, at least when I went in, the walls were clean, so that was a bonus. Yeah, there you go. Thank heaven for a small favor, yeah. I'm always

looking for the positive, but, you know, the floor was a mess at this point because of his additional turdage. I think turdage. Wait, he didn't also try to flush, did he? Oh, yeah. Oh, come on, man. He never noticed. Come on. He sat down, did his thing, never noticed,

tried to flush, and it was the floor was a mess. He's probably a billionaire. Those people are busy. Very, they're always busy. The grind set. Yep, yep. Don't look at signs.

Sorry, no time. Okay, got to go. Oops. Sorry, I didn't see the sign. One step closer to building my empire. Now off on my private jets. He was too busy reading the Wall Street Journal to notice what was going on. So what do you do?

Well, I clean up the floor first. and then I go at the toilet with my pleasure. When you say clean up the floor, I am curious about the methodology. I grabbed the mop and a bucket and just went at it. It was dirty toilet water. There wasn't any actual crap on the floor. You just swab in the deck. Got it, got it.

It was just dirty water, so I just mop that up. But inside the toilet was an absolute work of art. Um, two works of art, you know, leaves, um, on top of each other. Layered. So, a montage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, uh, like a burrito or something, but, um, or maybe it was a burrito. Who knows? Um, so he goes at it, I go out with the plunger and nothing is happening.

There, there, there's no movement, you know, it's just the plunger is not doing a damn thing. So I go out and like I mentioned, not, not the kind of place that's going to show. you know, 150 bucks for an hour with a plumber or whatever. So I go to the manager and I say, tell him what's going on. Plunder's not working. And he looks at me and he goes, Jack, I got an idea. I'll be right back. I'm like, okay.

There's a hardware store across the street, right? I see him go out and head to there. And I'm thinking, oh, God bless you, sir. You're going to get me a plumber snake or some sort of auger or chemical. Yep. Yeah, he's going to help me out. No. He comes back, and he places in my hand two shoulder-length plastic gloves. No!

Yep. Yep. And then it hands me a bucket and says, here you go. No, no, no. And, you know, looking back, I'm, I kid you not. I still have PTSD just even talking about it. Sure. Um, but as I do now hearing. I, I, I,

well, all I'll say is I did it. Oh, wow. I'm so sorry. That's just criminal. Yeah. Yeah.

And scoop by disgusting scoop. Um, and I will say that, you know, I'm the, uh, when it finally flushed was one of the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard in my life. Yeah.

Um, And then he offered to buy me lunch When it was all over Like I really wanted to eat anything at that point Yeah yeah yeah Forever Forever he said Yeah exactly

Yeah A lifetime of lunches Hey you know what that's not a bad Yeah absolutely And honestly if you'd If you'd kept the gloves You would be on your way To opening your own large medical

medical animal Or large animal medical practice I took a while with that I mean, I'm, you know, like, I'm skilled, Ben, I've trained gloves. Yeah.

But, yeah, it was, it, it is still one of the most, I mean, it's not just one of the worst job experiences I've ever had. It's one of the worst experiences I've ever had. Oh, absolutely. It has provided a lot of entertainment at parties. It's got to be free drinks, so, you know, what can I say? Now, wait, do you, when the guy gives you the gloves, are you like, what? Come on.

Man, this is, you know, like. I did think, yeah, I did think he was joking at first. But the look on his face made it very clear, you know, this is, this is the solution. Jack, you are the solution. Your hands are the solution. Yeah. And, I mean, and he was, was he like, obviously you're superior of some kind? Yeah, this is the manager.

And this is a job that it was like one of the few places that would accommodate. I had a very weird schedule with classes and stuff. I needed that job. I didn't want to try to find another one that worked. So I, you know, I just shrugged my shoulders and went at it. I honestly don't think I could ever have the nerve to expect an employee. Like if I was that manager, there's just no way. No.

I could say, like, here's some gloves. Go get elbow deep. At that point, you're like, well, if I can't do it, I got to call an actual plumber. Yes. Like this is. And fuck the owners of this place. Yeah, they got to pay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack, so sorry.

I'm so sorry, Jack. I wasn't brave enough to, I wasn't brave enough to push back, but, you know, like I said, it's given me a great story. Yeah, it's a shame, too, that it made you flee your homeland. But the shame involved. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's terrible.

I'll never touch American shit. I'll show this country. All right, Jack. Well, thank you so much for the call. And thank you guys For all the last through the years You are a treasure Oh, thank you so much

855-266-2-604 is the number We next up We have Tom from Wisconsin Hello Tom Good afternoon, gentlemen How you doing, Tom? I'm doing much better Because I have a great job now

Oh good That's great Tell us about your shitty job I've had a few. I mean, that's exciting for you, but not for us. We want to hear about the shitty one. Oh, that's when we've got to go back a few years. In the early 80s, I had my summer, you better stay in school job.

Oh, yeah. The state of Michigan gave grants for people to hire college students at minimum wage to do unsavory work. Oh, murder. So I was hired, I was, well, no. Black, sex, male, sex with old people. No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. I was hired to strip the 30 years of varnish from the floors of a high school.

Okay. Wow. Since I was the low man on the total pole, I was given the bathrooms. They had tarasal floors, and they had been varnishing the floors every year for 30 years. They didn't clean before they varnish. things were sealed. Oh. Wow.

Like amber, like horrifying amber. Yeah, yeah. Using this, we can clone a high school student from the 60s. Look, a pew. High school DNA. Then the worst part came, they said, well, this is going to be tough to get up. So we got you some good paint stripper. Methylene chloride mixed with methyl-ethyl-ketone.

That sounds safe Later That's also known as a Cosmo You can probably drink it while you're working Yeah Yeah It would have You didn't have to drink it

Because it would go right through your skin Your internal work Oh my God Like alien blood I learned after the third pair of jeans Rotted through To just just keep wearing the same clothes Because they were just

It was going to eat your clothes Wow They gave you a stripper and a putty knife. On your hands and knees. Nothing big. You were given a three-inch-wide putty knife, and you sat there, and you poured out the stripper, and then you crawled through the stripper. Oh, my God. What?

What? ...away around the toilets and the urine scraping up this goo. What is wrong with these fucking sheepskates? No, it's just... And this is a state job. Yes. Those are supposed to... I mean, cool.

Absolutely. Now, are you wearing a mask? Like, because I imagine the fumes from this stuff can't be good. No, no, you weren't given a mask. You were given rubber gloves. Except when the stuff would get under the gloves and get down between. And then you realized it was under the glove and it was eating your hand. And you'd be trying to get the glove off and try to get the stuff off your hand.

Wow. But, yeah, it was by going through. It was going through your pants into your leg, skin. This is like saw. Yeah, yeah. My God. And I was paid $3.75 an hour. What year was this?

You said the 80s? Wow. Yeah, 83. Boy, oh, boy. I was saving up for a new exhaust system on my 1971 Chevy that had 200,000 miles on it. Were college students also in charge of this program? No, there were some old janitors that sat in the room, drank coffee. Oh, from the council, from the council of janitors.

Yeah, from the, yeah, from the, yeah, from the, the bitterness elders. Oh, yeah. Why don't you get in there, kid? Just a lifetime of bad energy built up. just grudges just my friend he's like well my friend ended up he had to clean all the desk so there was all the stuff that teenagers would wipe on the underside of the desk that he had to scream boy oh boy I'd probably trade you yeah sure yeah no but you're right that is that is one of the chemically inert yeah right right yeah you were just at risk of

viewing your own bones that's all you had to worry about Uh, that, I do like that you preface it as like, this is the kind of job that makes you realize, like, oh, no, I, I, I need to aim higher. Like, I can't do this. I cannot do this. This was the stay in school job. Yeah, yeah. Are you mostly intact today? Well, um, I've actually had both those knees replaced.

So they're metal now. Oh, nice. Congrats. Yeah. You should have done that as a prophylactic. Just, you know, getting ready for that job. All right. Well, Tom, thank you so much.

Have a great date. Andy, at one point of dancing in the stars, does your wife start calling you twinkle toes? Never. Just never. We don't speak much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't speak much.

She, I usually. I think you could. All right. I'll tell her. Okay. And I'll try. Twinkle. I'll try. Okay. Good luck.

Thank you, Tom. Our first cyborg caller. All right. We're near the end here, but we're going to talk to Charles from Brooklyn. Charles, hello. Hi, how are you guys? Thanks for taking the call. Thank you.

We're close to the end of the hour here. Yeah, I consider myself your peer and equal. Oh, good. Please do. So I worked, this was when I was a freshman in college, and there was like, you know, signs posted on campus. So I went and got a job at a telemarketing agency. So while I did use the bathroom, the toilet does not come up again. Okay. Bless you.

So the training was, you know, like two days of going over scenarios and scripts. and things, you know, we were selling some credit card affiliated, like, concierge travel service or something like that. And, you know, a non-offensive product, but nothing that I would use. Right. And still falling under the category of old people fleecing. Yeah, I would say, I would say that's probably true. Yeah, right.

And that's probably true. I believe it was attached to my mother's credit card. So, yeah. And so this training went great, and people thought that I had some kind of really great phone presence and tone and all, you know, it's just one of these things. Yeah, kid, you got it. And people thought that I was going to be a natural. Yeah. And then we get into the room for the first day of actual work.

And it's very boiler room like, you know, just an entire room full of people. at long desks with phones, whiteboard in front with a leaderboard and everyone's name on it. And every time you made a sale, you were supposed to ring the bell that you have. And then they would chalk one up for you on the board. And I made no sale because I immediately, I immediately felt terrible because you can feel the weight of the other person on the phone and how much you're annoying them. by calling them. And so, like, there's a kind of, you know, dubious respect you have for people who are, like, able to plow through that shame spiral and make the call, but I was not one of them.

And so I made no call. What I did do was there was one person who I felt so bad about that I asked if I could, if she wanted to be on the no call list. and she said yes, but that's the same form. And so I fill out the little no-call thing at the bottom of the page, and I toss it in the basket just as my supervisor is walking by, and he's one of these shoddy encouragement guys, and he bangs my bell and yells to the room, one for Charles, and puts it on the board. And I walked away at the end of my shift and never came back. Charles, that's how I quit my telemarketing job, too.

Yeah, really? I just left one day and I never went back. I interviewed it for a telemarketing job and it depressed me so deeply that I could not do it. It's the worst job I ever had for sure. By far. And they were selling like coupon books. It took me until the first call, like literally hearing someone saw. when they heard me go into the pitch.

And I was like, no, can't do it. Can't do it. And now I only hear it when I'm talking to my wife. The one that I did, it was in Chicago, and it was just a big empty space. And on the wall, they had, and it was with stickers or with double stick tape, phone wires and like plastic shitty conduit. And just every, like, five or six feet, there was a, a, giddy, like, grocery store phone, you know, like a drugstore phone plugged into it. No desks, just folding chairs and, like, young people sitting in folding chairs on the phone

talking, you know, this thing. And the guy that pitched to me who just had, like, creepy loser. Of course. All over him. And his whole thing to me was like, you know, you're dealing with a lot of old people. And what you're going to try to do is you're going to sort of like, you're going to build up their hopes. And then you're going to scare them. and you're going to destroy those hopes

then you're going to build up those hopes again and then you're going to make them real like you're going to put fear into them again like well if you miss out on this you're going to lose out all this opportunity on all these savings and I just like I was like we're talking about fucking coupons

mister yeah yeah yeah scaring old people with coupons I don't think I mean I'm broke well when you laid all out like that goodbye yeah right Yeah. Look, look, you may be getting minimum wage, but you do get to be sadistic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do need to divorce your empathy from any anywhere. Take your empathy and leave it at home. You know, do not identify with the people. If you're mad about other things. Yeah, yeah. Quick question, you're depraved, right? Okay, good. Yeah. You've got no heart, right? Okay, good. Excellent. All right, well, thank you so much, Charles.

I already look pretty black. All right. Thank you, guys. Thanks so much for the call. All right. Well, Paul, thank you so much for coming in. It was my pleasure. Thank you for having me.

Yeah, we're going to pick our favorite. Golly, I don't know. This is a hard one to do because they were all pretty good. They're all kind of equally good. The military hotel was kind of fascinating. It was kind of fun. I do love a shit-covered room, though. I really do.

It's, you know, when you come, that is sort of like when you do think bad job, like, here's your ability. You know what? I'm going to give it, I'm going to give it to Jack for the shoulder length gloves. Okay. Do I also, do I make a separate?

You do whatever you want. I think I got to go for Tom from Wisconsin stripping the old high school because there's something that's so, everything about it is not the way it should have been done. Yeah, yeah. And should have been thought out better

and it's such a time capsule. Yes. You know, in a way. Yeah, yeah. And I'm glad he's survived. Yes. Dangerous. chemicals. There's a nostalgia for those.

All right. Well, thank you so much, Paul. You guys out there, you should listen to Freedom wherever you find your podcast. And Variatopia returns to the lodge room at Highland Park next week. Thank you. So go get some tickets to that because it's a hilarious show. And Paul, thank you. Love you. Thank you, Andy. Best of luck with your twinkle toes. Thank you. Thank you. I will twinkle all day. And all of you stick around to hear stand up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin. I'll be back. next week, I believe, with Oscar Nunez. So, um,

exciting. Come back next week, but listen to Lori now. Talk to you later. Bye-bye. Thank you.