The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Paul Scheer: Dorm Room Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

Paul Scheer joins "The Andy Richter Call-In Show" this week to hear your Dorm Room Stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about bayonet practice, Andy's extended family lore, "Animal House" parties, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hi! What's up everybody? It's rainy here in Los Angeles. It's my favorite kind of Los Angeles. Because it washes the blood up the streets. Uh, you're listening to the Andy Richard College show. I got Paul Scheer here today. I am here and I am dry.

And by the way, you know, LA is an interesting place because when it just gets a little bit cold everyone's putting on a scarf. Yes. And, and, you know scarf and a winter hat. Yeah, yeah. Like puffer jackets when it's 67 degrees. Yeah, it's like it's just one degree dropped. It's like, let's get out the winter gear.

And what I like about this is I get into the rain. I'm like, oh, I get to bring out my rain jacket, get boots on. I don't know if I need them, but I do appreciate it. All your accessories. I gotta get my accessories out there. Yeah, I have, from living here, you know, like growing up in Illinois

and then living in Chicago and then living here, I have like these really nice winter coats that I just, that still have been hanging in a, you know, like in a locker, in a storage locker for years and years. My favorite thing is a coat, and now I live in LA and I never have a reason to do it. I bring it and I immediately take it off.

I know, because it's too fucking hot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we're talking dorms. Well, first of all, let's plug some things for you, because I like to do that at the top. We could just jump in this show. You sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do it. You don't want to talk about your shows. How did this get made and unspooled? Yeah, I got some podcasts. I got a book, I got things. Joyful recollections of a trauma, or a trauma that's out now. It's out now, but I mean, let's do this.

Is the book doing well? It did good, it got a New York Times bestseller list. Oh, wow. We got named a book of the year by Vulture and Bookless. By Trauma, Trauma Co. Trauma books, trauma books. Yeah, so there's been a really nice run. And we're a finalist for the prestigious Audi Awards,

which is the... That's fantastic. Yeah, so yeah, it's really fun. Wow, congratulations. It's really really cool, yeah. Thanks so much. I really have been, it's been a lovely experience. And I think anybody who creates stuff,

especially here in like, you know, it takes so long to get stuff out there and you don't know if it can so long to get stuff out there, and you don't know if it can live or die, or you don't know. And so this is great because I got to write it myself, got to release it, and then, yeah, just kind of promote it. Did you really write it yourself? I know, a lot of people ask me that. Yeah, I did.

Yeah, yeah, no, because it's not uncommon. I mean, I'm actually working on a book, and I'm working with somebody, because, you know, I was like, yeah, all right. I mean, I don't mind having somebody that'll tell me, hey, you gotta go right now. There's a deadline. Well, my whole thing was I wrote a hundred pages before I went to even sell it

because I was so nervous that I would get in a situation where all of a sudden they'd be like, the book is due in a month and I'd be like, but I didn't write anything. So I wanted to make myself avoid that at all costs. And even with all that avoiding, I was right down to the very end, the bitter end. And was that a helpful thing in terms of like getting it sold

to show them a hundred pages or were they like, cause you know, there's always that thing, especially with scripts, like no, don't write it ahead of time, get the deal and then write it, you know, like because they'll feel that, I don't know if it's a control thing or what. I think what I wanted to do was let people know what the book was gonna be about. Like I didn't want people to be like,

oh wait, we thought it was gonna be like, no, here's some funny stories about, you know, Nick Cage movies that you like or whatever. I just wanted to make. And also I wanted to make sure that I had a book that I could write too, because I think that's, I see a lot of people and they're selling books and then you never hear of them again. Or maybe they, you know, you know, it's something like, I got to make sure that I could actually do this job. Do I have a book in me? That's definitely a legit question to ask oneself.

Yeah, and I feel like, you know, so I wanted to make myself, I wanted to do it. It was just kind of really attack it and really get my hands in it. And it was great and what no one really told me, and it's always the same, is like the editing is really where the book is. It's like, oh, I got a book. I was like, I did it. And then my editor did a pass on

it. And then it was like a full reconstruction of different pieces. It's a constantly like reassembling a Jenga tower. And it was awesome though. It was really fun. And now I never want to write again. Is that true? No, I do like it. I just do like it. I mean, but when people are like, oh, what about your second book? I'm like, well, maybe. I mean, it's like, it's fun. It's but it was a lot.

It was a lot to kind of like dive into. And then going and selling it is a lot too. Oh, yeah. That's a lot. I mean, I was all over the place and still, I mean, this Friday, I'm going to be in San Antonio at the pop festival. It's like almost a year out from the one that we have. So it's like, I keep on going around and just trying to,

again, I feel invested in it more than anything. Cause it's like, you know, with a TV show, you can't make people watch your TV show. You can't make people go see your movie, but you can literally go to bookstores and make them purchase your book. Whether or not they'll read it. Right, right, right.

But they will have it. Yeah. All right, everybody. Today, we're talking dorm room stories. So if you have good dorm stories, or just, you know, they don't have to be exactly a dorm, but just that sort of that real you. That dorm roommate is an interesting thing.

Because when you're dorm roommate, a lot of the times, or at least the first one that you get, you don't know. You know, you don't know that person. You just kind of put in that situation. And especially, you're coming from the cusp of childhood to adulthood. There's so much shit that goes on that first year

if you're a freshman in college. 100%. My friend's kid, she's a freshman at USC. And they have like an Instagram broker to help you find dorm mates now. So like you go on, like you basically, it's like kind of a Tinder for dorm roommates, which I was fascinated by. Is it part of the school or is it like a separate business?

No, it's like a separate service. Holy shit, what a scam. Yeah, so you're going, so, but again, it kind of makes sense in the grand scheme of, let me see who is this person? How can I connect with this person? I guess. I mean, there was something really fun

about just being thrown into. What I sort of feel like it is, like it is an early lesson in randomness. Yes. And then like, oh, you really would like things to go this way? Well, guess what? Life gives you fucking whatever card you get,

and then you have to deal with it. And you can change. You can mix it. You can say this is untenable and move. I think that the only way that that feels workable, in my mind, is when you have a four-person dorm room. A two-person dorm room, you're really connected to that other person. It's like, you know, that's like, it's not even like,

oh, I work with this person I don't like. It's like, I am up in that person's business. Like four, at least there can be some teams, there can be some sides, there can be a little bit of commiseration. But one on one, I never had to do that. I got to, yeah, I never got to, but look, I knew my dorm roommate going to college and we had a terrible falling out in that first year.

Just being next to somebody, it's hard. Sleeping in the same room with a stranger is weird. It is, it is. Sharing a bathroom and all your little quirks. It's like, it's amazing that I'm still married because it's sort of like, you're good, you're driving this person crazy. You have to like balance the amount of goodwill

that you can get versus you're just the badwill that you get by just being you. I mean, and it's any you. Like, you know, look, if you can't let the mask down at a certain point, like, you know, people are gonna see you farting up a storm, getting mad, watching your shows, snoring, whatever it is.

And also the thing about dorm life too that I found striking is just, and like I said, and I have it like, my daughter, my son is out of college now. My daughter, my older is out of college now. My daughter, my older daughter is in the middle of her freshman year. And is she, was she thrown into a stranger situation? She was thrown into a weird situation because the school that she goes to has this program

where you can opt to go overseas. So she actually was in Ireland for her first semester, which I was like... Wow. Right out of the gate. Yeah. The amount that I came undone in my freshman year, just in terms of like, I mean, as sort of dysfunctional as my support structure was, it still was a support structure. When I got outside of it, I kind of fell apart. I was like, OK. But she seems to have done fine. And now she's back at her regular school on the East Coast.

And she seems to be OK. But I was just struck by how many kids did go crazy in different ways. There was a kid at the end of my hall who took advantage. And I don't know if they still do this to kids, but they just throw credit cards at you, like sign up for this credit card. Yeah, I mean, when I was in,

when I went to NYU and you couldn't get, you couldn't walk any, in any common area, even going from classroom to classroom, like on the city streets without a credit card people out there. And it all sounded so great. Discover cards and L and we're all dumb at that point. And they're like, you want a free water bottle?

And you're like, yeah, you're a credit card. You bet. You know, it's like you're, and you're just signing up so much stuff. And then you forget like how much debt you're just accruing. This guy, he was, he got like a motorcycle and all kinds of clothes and a stereo. And he also, but he also too was the guy with like a bong that you had to stand on a chair to smoke out of.

And someone else had to work the, you know, the bowl at the bottom. But he said at one point we're like, what are you gonna, like how are you gonna, and he's like, well I'm no man after a few months, I'll probably take it all away, but man I'll have a good few months. Oh man.

I was just like, yeah, but you're ruining the next few years. Yeah, they don't understand where it goes. You know, there was outside of my dorm, this scam that was run multiple times. It was a guy who pretended to be a wardrobe person for a movie. Like my story was when it came up to me. Because you're in New York City.

Yeah, he was like, oh my God, I work for Ridley Scott. We're working on his new movie. I locked the wardrobe in my car, and my mom's uptown. And that's where my wallet's in there. It was a big story about all he needed money was, all he needed was money to get uptown, to get to his mom's place, to get his keys, to get back to his car.

And it worked out to be about, you know, like 20 bucks, right? Or way within that world. And, you know, like 20 bucks, right? Or within that world. And, you know, and so many kids fell for it. I fell for it. Everybody. Like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. And we feel like, and you also feel like you're a part of something like, oh, yeah, like I'm gonna help out Ridley Scott's new movie,

you know, whatever it is. And... It's pretty smart. Yeah, it was a great way to, like, prey on the creative impulses of people to be like, I want to be a part of it. But then I saw him. I saw him when I got like a year or two later

after he had scammed me and he scammed a bunch of my friends. And I was walking with my other friend. And I was like, you! And I screamed at him. I'm not that kind of a person, but for whatever reason, once I knew I was scammed, I was more angry than ever. I was like, god damn it. It was only $20, but I was mad.

And I went after him, and then all of a sudden, I realized that this guy had a giant man that was like the most muscular man I've ever seen. It was his pal. His pal that was just basically watching out for if, you know, stuff got weird, he'd stand right in front and block off your path. And it was like, oh, wow. And I was like, okay, well, actually, see you later.

I have nothing to say to you. Tell Ridley I should ask. Yeah, that's what you... It takes a while to learn, like, when someone carpet bombs you with information and name dropping, you just... Now it's like, you learn like, oh, no, this is bullshit. Right, yeah, it's too weird.

It triggers your bullshit breaker switch. But you are young, you learn like, oh no, this is bullshit. It triggers your bullshit breaker switch. But you are young, you're dumb, you're in school, and I think that that's why, in a weird way, I feel like Europe might be the place to go. It might just be a little bit more chill. It's like where I feel like everybody here in the States, there's like, oh, I get drunk, and so many people got, it was like a-

I think that's a worldwide, although I think kids in Europe are, they're not as like. They drink a little, they get to drink a little earlier, a little more sane kind of way. Yes, they're gonna party, but I feel like that first year, that freshman year, I remember people just burning out left and right.

It's a rough, it's a rough beginning. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're talking dorm stories. We're gonna go to the phones here. If you have one for us, give us a call at 855-266-2604. We got started a little late, so we're going to go past the hour, just so you all know. But give us a ring, 855-266-2604. Let's go to the calls. Are you ready, Paul? I'm ready, can't we? Adam, Adam from New York, are you there? You've got Andy, you've got Paul. Hello gentlemen, how are you? Good, thank you, how are you?

Good, good. So, uh, God, this is making me really happy that I did this whole thing. Well make us happy by telling us about it! Okay, so I went to Hunter College a little further down town. And it was right at the beginning of Facebook starting like 2004 Facebook like spread from across the East Coast and we were all getting on it and it was like this brand new exciting amazing thing to us all. And so by my sophomore year we were posting pictures of us doing all different sorts of things in the dorms and one day the

security guards kind of laugh at us as we're on making our way into the building being like, Oh, we saw some pretty interesting pictures of you guys on Facebook sort of alluding to the fact that allegedly there may have been some cannabis paraphernalia in some of the backgrounds of some of these photographs that they had been seeing them. So we were like, wow, how dare they they because like it genuinely was like how dare they we had no idea Like they'd be snooping on us like that You revealed Exactly, so we immediately went upstairs and can do know what to do

and so what we did was post-up a uh... and so what we did was uh... hundred twenty photograph album about just hanging out in the dorms the other night that basically like very very graphically uh... depicted us off scoring coke finding it inside of the bathroom of the dorms

but friend going crazy uh... punching my other friend in the gut, and then like us murdering him, dismembering him, the body, like throwing the body into a trash can, and then like returning back to the dorm room to watch the notebook as though nothing happened. Yeah. And then posting this all up as just like a night at the dorm. Right. As if everything was fine, you know?

Your own photo funnies. Yeah. I'm at the door right fine. You know your own photo funnies. Yeah Just like right just like us hanging out a normal night and This is what always goes on here. And so a couple days later. We get this We're all called into an administration with a meeting with like in the absolute upper administration of the school To be like it seems like there's these pictures of you guys doing some really bad stuff at the door, but we can also tell like you obviously didn't murder a guy. Um, very much capable of murder, Dean. And so, uh, and like they just sort of dressed us down and told us like,

we couldn't take it off and we never did and they just were like this is gonna be really bad for you guys in the future You should think about this wait. They said you couldn't take it off that Facebook. Why why would they insist on that? Why that they wanted us to take it off? Oh, I thought I thought you I thought you said they wouldn't let you take it off No, no, no, no. They just said they advised that we could because you know. Oh, okay. I got you, I got you. Of our community, our prospects for the future.

And obviously it didn't. But you know, 20 years later, I got the notification this was 20 years ago, a couple weeks ago, and like the pictures are still online, but half my friends have completely detag themselves from all of this. Oh, come on. That seems like a fun, yeah, that's a very sweet dorm room story, because the dean seemed to be like, just, you know, hey, cut it out.

You know, kids will stage murders, false murders. It happens. I would love those, somebody in your friend group not getting a job because of the murder. Right. Or somebody becoming a big coke dealer. Or someone getting a job because they just say, hey, you like the notebook, so do I.

Ha ha ha ha. My anxiety is that someone discovers this and then someone's like, you know, there's big ramifications from it now because of my rowdy days back in college and I know. Come on. I can't imagine that you were that good of an actor back then. I think they're going to figure out. Yeah, yeah.

They're going to figure out. You're not like... I mean, if anything, they won't hire you because you're like the worst criminal in the world. Like, let's document this parade of illegality and then put the cherry on it being watching the notebook. They'll be like, you're not good at criminalizing, so you probably won't be good at capitalism. Oh yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's 20 years and you haven't had any problems at this point. Yeah, you're probably doing just great. Yeah, there's no going to be no more job interviews for you at this point. What, you've been in your 40s now? Forget it. That's it.

It's over now. Yup. I'm immune to cancellation, I believe. Yeah. All right, Adam. Well, thanks for the call. I appreciate it. Lovely to chat with you guys.

Yeah, have a good one. All right, next up. Is thanks for the call. All right. Appreciate it. Lovely to chat with you guys. Yeah, have a good one. All right. Next up, is this, hey, Sean, is it, this is my cousin Amy. Oh my gosh. It says from Illinois, but that's where she's originally from. Okay. She doesn't live there anymore. Amy? Yes, hello.

Hi, how are you? Very good. This is so exciting. I have a dorm room story. Oh my gosh. Oh, all right. Yeah, because Amy knows how to so exciting. I have a dorm room story. Oh my God. All right. Yeah, because Amy knows how to fucking party. All right.

I love this. Yeah, yeah. Where did you go that you were partying? What school? Illinois State University in Normal, Illinois. All right. I love this. Love me to normal.

Yep. Yep. So go ahead. So here's my story. Yes. So this story takes place at Hewitt Hall, all girls dorm in 1981. Okay. So I wake up freshman in college in my dorm room, completely nude alone, but completely nude. I have to go to the bathroom. So I immediately get up, walk down the hallway, go to the bathroom, put on some clothes, sitting on the stall, look beside me. The entire

stall beside me is full of vomit. Vomit everywhere. The entire floor is covered in vomit. I look at it and think, what fucking loser did that? That's disgusting. And then I look closer in the vomit and I see a macrame keychain that belongs to me. Oh! So of course I'm horrified. I stand up, look outside, and I look to my right and there's like the shower room where all the people hang their towels, like the general shower room for the girls. In the middle of the shower room floor is a big wet pile of clothes completely covered in vomit. So then I looked over and I realized, I obviously puked all over myself and then gone into the shower stall,

turned on the shower, got my clothes completely wet, then walked back out, took off all my clothes, laid them, left them on the pile on the women's floor, and then walks completely nude down past the elevator bank to my room and then lay down and went to sleep. Wow. Now that's a story. I don't remember any of this. Yeah, all I remember is the night before I played quarters for the first time.

Oh, wow. You know that drinking game quarter. Yeah, sure, of course. But with beer, right? Right, with beer, yes, yes, yes. And then the other memory I got was a flash of waking up on the quad and my friend and I, Kramer, had gone to this party and we had to walk home. So on the walk home, we decided that we had to lay down and go to sleep immediately right there on the quad.

So the memory that I had the next day was waking up from a sound sleep on the quad with my friend Kramer beside me, and then we walked to the dorm. So anyway, that was my story, Andy, and I'm sticking to it. I love it. Amy, I gotta tell you a story really quickly too. I got drunk in high school,

and we would always go to this diner, right? We would drink, and then we'd go to this diner and kind of put a burger on top of it so it really, it fits good. And I was getting so, so, so sick, I ran outside to puke, but this is one of those diners that's on all, like all windows, right? All looking out into the front lawn.

And as I am puking, I watched everybody turn their curtain, like, you know, you can do that with the blinds, the ball of the blinds, the blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it was just like me just vomiting out there just watching everyone, no, no, no more of this guy. No, thank you. Well, my favorite, cause I used to visit Amy in college

when I was in high school. And, but we also too, cause Amy's from Springfield, Illinois, which is the state capital and it's where my dad was from. And we used to go visit there. And we'd usually go down for the state fair. And I don't know if you remember this, Amy, but we were watching, we saw Willie Nelson there. Almost yearly we'd see Willie Nelson.

And it's on, there's the grandstand, but then there's also like the track where they have like harness racing and tractor pulls and stuff. And so Willie Nelson is on a stage in the middle of the field and you could stand kind of on the dirt track. And that was sort of the general admissions.

And that's where we were. And people had parked their cars on the ground too, inside the thing, they had parking in there. So Amy and my mom went over, I guess to pee between two parked cars. And, and, well, do you want to tell it? No, no, you're doing a great job. So while they're peeing, a state trooper comes up and shines his light on them because you can get, you know, in trouble for peeing in public. And he starts smelling Amy's hair for weed. And he's like, have you even smoked weed? Have you even smoked weed?

And Amy has the amazing ability to cry on command. Oh, my God. Do you still have that ability? I do have that ability. It's a gift, Andy. It's fantastic. I wish I had it. She starts crying, and then he shines his light down,

and there's a lump in the pocket of her jeans. And he's like, what's that? What's that? Is that your weed pipe? And she says, it's a tampon. And it made him freak out. And of course, my mom, the bulldog, is going, leave her alone! like Popeye the Sailor and so lets him go and she tells us about it later I think

the next day at breakfast and I asked you like well what was in your pocket you said my weed pipe? Of course it was my weed pipe you idiot. It was an eighth of weed rolled up. Oh my god. Amy loves to party. I love this. You gotta shape it like a tampon. Right. And I will say as we walked away, your mom had her arm around me and she whispered in my ear, you get an Academy Award for that performance.

Oh my god. That is amazing. Oh, all right. Well, Amy, it's great to talk to you. Great talking to you. Thanks a lot. Enjoying the show. Have fun. Love ya.

Bye. All right, bye-bye. Love you too. Bye. Oh, so good. That is, those moments, those getting caught by the cops as a kid, you don't know what could possibly happen. I don't, yeah.

For some reason, I've always had a dad energy and throughout my entire life, and I don't know how this happened, but it was just like by default from being, whenever I was at a party or with a group of kids or young people and the cop showed up, it was Andy, go talk to him. Oh wow. I don't, and I cops showed up, it was, Andy, go talk to them. Oh, wow.

I don't, and I, you know, which I, I, I, there's part of me that was like sort of flattered by it. Like, oh, I guess I, you know, I'm, you know, I'm like the lawyer of the group. But it's not fun. It's not fun to take the cops on the chin and try and explain what's going on. Yeah, yeah.

Well, you know, so I, um, during the pandemic, you know, everyone had been kind of like trapped in their houses and we had two friends that were gonna get married. Yeah. And so we were, let's throw a little engagement party here. It was kind of towards the end of it. And we made sure everyone tested,

but there was like a big dance party that we just threw in our backyard. And we don't have a giant backyard, we have a normal sized backyard. And we talked to every one of our neighbors and said, hey, just heads up, we're gonna have this party, it'll be over by a reasonable time. But we wanna make sure, you know.

And having a great time. I'm drinking for the first, like I'm drinking with people, it's been a long time, everyone's having a good time. And the cops showed up and this is now me as a dad. And now I have to go talk to the cops and I am drunk and we're not really doing anything wrong. I'm of legal age. Yeah. Yeah. It brought me back to like I was 14 years old. I was like, well, I'm so sorry officer. I don't

know what's going on. I, you know, it's like, and then I'm slurring and I feel bad, but I'm like, I'm not, this is not illegal, but, feel like just because you were drinking, it's illegal. Like it is completely, like we have made some giant mistake here. Well, and that's, I mean, and I've found that's a dividing line in people that like, when you're questioned by police, you either are guilty or you are like, fuck this, I'm innocent, you know?

And I am definitely on the like, oh, what did I do? Oh yeah. He's right, I have murdered, you know? And I am definitely on the like, oh, what did I do? Oh yeah. He's right, I have murdered. You know? All right, let's go back to the phones. We got Long. Is it Long? Yep, it's Long.

Hey Long, how are you? I'm Andy and Paul. Hi there. Good to hear from you calling us from sunny Los Angeles. Well, normally sunny, one of the few rare times you get a rain. I know, fantastic. My dorm story starts in my second year. the into it and then for whatever reason he started like you know getting knives bring him into the dorm room with us and we're in a small dorm room here about like a little bigger than the bathroom really right so now when we tell us what

are these like are these like Bowie knives are these like survival knives are these you know folding pocket knives are they all different kinds different kinds but usually using like the survival ones. Yeah, yeah. Got it. Right. Which are very easy to get. There's no, there's no, you can get a knife. Right, right. Knives are easy. You can buy one at Knott's Berry Farm. Yeah.

Yeah. So he's tying up a t-shirt like on a lofted bed and like my desk is like right near it. So and every day he starts like, you know, doing like bayonet stabbing practice with it. So he's doing that every day and like my head's just like a few feet from going up from there. Wait, he's stabbing a t-shirt that he's just like put up on a bulletin board or something? No, no, he's tying it like on a locked bed. So it's like basically like the bed's locked into like, you know, the top there and he's just tying a t-shirt to that. So basically he's hanging it down. So it's like a dummy that's not stuffed.

You know, it's just a shirt, a hanging shirt. It's really stabbing, though, something that takes that much practice. You know what I mean? It's a pretty simple motion. I think, like, during Revolutionary War times, you might have to be, like, a little bit more adept at your bayonet.

But, like, it doesn't seem like bayonets are coming into much... Right, right. They're not in vogue right now. Like, I think, you might have to be a little bit more adept at your bayonet, but it doesn't seem like bayonets are coming into much, they're not in vogue right now. I think, it's kind of like wine, I don't know the difference between a $10 wine and a $300 bottle of wine. I probably wouldn't be able to tell a new stabber from an experienced stabber.

100%, I think that unless you are aiming for certain body parts, I'm gonna maim you, I'm not gonna you know, unless you are aiming for certain body parts, okay? I'm gonna, I'm gonna maim you. I'm not gonna kill you. I'm gonna... But you're not gonna learn that from a t-shirt. True. True. Unless a t-shirt has like a very descriptive... Right. Unless, yeah, it's a slim good body kind of t-shirt. Oh my gosh. So what happens, Long? I'm sorry, we're, you know, we're digressing.

It's all good. Yeah, he's just been doing it for a year. We've, you know, me, my, like, it's three of us in there. Do you ever talk to him about it? I'm sorry, do you ever talk to him about it? Oh yeah. And what does he say? We started off nice. He says, so cut down on it.

But yeah, it keeps going on for the rest of the year. And towards like springtime, we finally had to talk with like our RAs and all that, get some other people involved in this. and we just had to have this whole conversation about like, all right, you know what, maybe we're not really compatible as roommates, and yeah, we just basically just transferred rooms. Wow. Well now here's the thing that I want to ask you, you said that he was stabbing it, you know, you're sleeping in the bed and he's stabbing it, it's hanging from the bed, do

you ever at one point like switch where your head and feet are just be like, you know, maybe at this point I'll just mix it up. Yeah, my feet, you know, yeah stabbing the feet would be a little bit better than stabbing the head I would imagine But the problem was like where the stabbing motion is going is where I'm doing like my homework and everything so it's at my desk is going is where I'm doing like my homework and everything so it's at my desk. Oh okay, was that your desk? I thought it was your sleeping room. No, but I think what I'm wondering it's like it's hard to move. I think what Paul was getting at was that you can only stab a t-shirt for so long before you long for something more substantial. As in a sleeping roommate. Yeah. Yeah, because you're a

perfect target. Right, right. Yeah, I think I think I would maybe put my books inside my pajamas when I slept. Yeah, you go there like a prisoner, like you have a book underneath your shirt, at all times your bulletproof vest. Right. All right, Longwell, I'm glad you made it through. I'm glad you made it through.

I do wanna say one thing about Longwell. You determined that you were not compatible roommates, but at no point was anybody from the school alerted, hey, this guy's stabbing things in my room. Yeah, this guy's got an incredible arse, a Rambo arsenal in there. Yeah, it's not like, oh, you know, he likes playing music, and I like to study.

That's incompatible, roommates. This is like, this person likes to stab things in the room. He's a stabber. One thing you got to know about me is I'm a stabber. I would never match with you on the Tinder for roommates. The one thing you gotta know about me is I'm a stabber. I would never match with you on the Tinder for roommates. All right, Lon, thank you. Thanks so much.

Have a good one, guys. Have a good one. You're listening to the Andy Richter Collins Show. We're talking dorm stories. 855-266-2604 is the number if you got one. Let's go back to the phones. Brent from Minnesota. Hey, Paul. Hey, Andy. Hi there. First off, love your shows, to the phones. Brent from Minnesota. Hey Paul, hey Andy.

Hi there. First off, love your shows, love the books. You guys really make me laugh. Oh thanks. Just so thrilled to get to talk to you. Oh thank you so much. Yeah, so yeah, freshman year of college like you guys talk about,

I actually had a roommate lined up at first, but that fell through, so you get to sign someone random, like normal. Tell us where, like just where in the country, just so we get an idea. I know you're from Minnesota, but where were you going? Yeah. South Dakota, actually, Midwest, little, little engineering school. Love it. Just want to get the context because Miami is going to be very different than South Dakota. It sure is. Now I'm fairly introverted so I don't make like the best case to be like best friends with this guy but you know trying to like hey do you want to go to the cafeteria do you want to go to this you

know together but he never does. Yeah. We're cordial, pleasant enough, sure, great. My girlfriend came to visit I tried to introduce but it's like this guy it's like he just pretended we weren't there, I guess, you know? I don't really know. It was, it was just kind of awkward, and which is fine. One other detail about him though is that he's the stepson of a new professor in one, in the department that I'm majoring in. Now I didn't have him, but the reviews were not great of this professor from the other students. So anyway, that'll be important later because as the semester goes, like this kid, it's like I said, just kind of weird. It's like the only time I see him, he's asleep. He's in the

bed. Doesn't matter the time of day, always in bed. One time I remember clearly, because there was a fire alarm, middle of the night, y'all have to evacuate to the parking lot, wait for the all clear that stuff. No, he just stayed in bed. I don't really know why. You know, again, the rare occasions I did, we did cross paths, you know, we're cordial. We give a head nod, a hello wave, whatever, but like almost nothing more than that for like the whole semester.

Somebody you would see in an elevator who works in the same building, like that kind of relationship. Not somebody that you sleep next to. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You're sleeping in the same room, but no real relationship. relationship. Anyway, fast forward

to next semester, I've got a new roommate. Life probably would have moved on and I would forget about this guy. But there's a little buzz because his stepdad professor is also not teaching this semester and I'm hearing about it from the students that were in his class. And so, you know, we're talking, there's a little buzz, and someone tells me, it's like, oh yeah, he had to take extended time away because of some family issues. And so first, I'm thinking to myself, I'm like, oh shoot, you know, I hope he's okay, I hope my former roommate's okay, their family, you know, whatever. And so I ask, oh, do you know what happened? You know, whatever and sure I asked oh, do you know what happened and and this friend is like, yeah the

This professor was almost murdered and I'm like what and and they continue on it's like Yeah, his stepson tried to kill him Wow how so I You know, I don't know the details of that. And I- You and I are very different, Brent. Where it's like- I would have been like, knife or gun. Oh, I wanna know all the details. Or bludgeoning, yeah.

Right, it's, you know, it was probably, you know, it was early enough that like, the internet wasn't like super taken off yet. Yeah, yeah. I never saw, never saw either of them again, never saw any news about it. Or any news about it, yeah. I never really looked it up and but.

It may not even have gotten in the papers. I was like, well, I guess I'm glad I was cordial and pleasant. So this is my question though to you, Brent and to you Andy, like, all right. And we're talking about murderers here so I want to just get an honest opinion if you kill your mom or your spouse or your dad or whatever yeah is that a loved one definitely that is murder I'm not saying it's not murder but you're

not like a scary murder it's like oh you'd have to have been in the right place at the right this is like a pent up aggression, something has happened. I'm not saying, but if you found out that this guy killed, like, oh, he killed everybody at that wedding. Randomly. Yeah, then I would be like, what's more scary? Like, you know, like, do you feel like, do you feel like you could have gotten on his bad side?

Cause did he kill, I don't know. I'm just trying to look at like, I'm weighing murders and I'm like, would I rather be with a person who might have a tendency to kill a person close to them right or someone who could snap at any minute I think I'm gonna go with I'd rather have the person that it only not the snapping is the one I'm nervous about to my Knowledge though dorms do not give you that choice. They don't in the selection process Okay, they don't I think you're gonna get a murderer. You're just gonna get a murderer. Okay, because I remember, I think this might have been more of a New York State thing,

because I was able to select... Uh... I checked off, will not snap. Crime of passion, please. Crime of passion is where I was like, eh, maybe it could happen. But snap, I was never, you know... Yeah, I know.

Well, I think, no, I think that... I mean, I see what you're saying, but I also think that, I mean, one might make say we all have the capacity to murder. Sure, of course. But then there are people who actually fucking try to do it. Yeah.

And I think that that is kind of like, yeah, you know what? I do have a bit of the creeps in looking back on it, you know. Well, I think, here's the other thing too. I would be hard pressed. I think that like the once you, all of a sudden, if somebody murders somebody, you know? Well, I think, here's the other thing too. I would be hard pressed. I think that like, the once you, all of a sudden, if somebody murders somebody that you know,

you're gonna find all the signs. You're gonna go, no matter what. Like, cause I think it's like, all of a sudden, everything has to make sense in this puzzle. I'm glad that you're alive, Brent. I'm glad that you didn't piss him off. Well, I appreciate that. The professor, you said the professor left that he didn't get killed though.

He tried. Didn't get from what I heard, you know, and there was no news, no nothing, but he didn't come back. So the professor, we assume may have been maimed. Yeah. Might've been, might've gotten, you know, but we don't know, we don't know. I, I sorta do think like, if my stepchild tried to murder me, I could come back to work in a couple of weeks. Yeah. I wouldn't need a whole semester. What, you'd be embarrassed. I would be, it'd be embarrassing. You know, a little embarrassing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you do need a semester just to have it blow over and people to not be like, oh, tell me about it, you know? Oh my God, well, you know, my kids are always embarrassing me in front of the people in school. And you don't know, you know, all of a sudden,

if I would be so embarrassed if my kid tried to kill me and I came back, I would be like, oh man, I'm not the cool dad anymore. Now you all know I'm a real jerk. Well, Brent, thank you for the call. Yeah, appreciate you guys taking me. Yeah, it had a nice chilling effect to it. Let me, Brent, we'll let you go.

That's all right, I love it. But stay tuned, Brett, because I'm gonna tell this quick story too. So I have a friend, lived in New York, I'm just remembering this right now. Her roommate that she got off of Craigslist, just in that nice cordial relationship, went out and killed his boss.

And she had to go and testify at the trial because there were things in the apartment that he used to dismember, it was a very intense murder. Like she had to say, our chainsaw was missing. Yeah, she was like, well, you know, I did notice that there were some new pieces in the house like this chainsaw, this bone lamp. No.

This lampshade was a very strange material. pieces in the house like this chainsaw, this bone lamp. No. Uh, yeah. This lampshade was a very strange material. She, I mean, but like, and it was a very big trial, uh, in, in, uh, I won't name the city, but it was a very big trial. She was brought, I mean, she had nothing to do. She was just simply the roommate. Never, never, the anger was never going to come to her. It was, he killed his boss because of a situation

that he had. But that was, I, I think that when I gonna come to her. He killed his boss because of a situation that he had. But that was, I think that when I've talked to her about it, it was really psychologically damning, because it's like, you're in this room with a full-on murder. And she saw him that night, and he was like, ba-ba-ba-ba, just popping around the house, just like, want some pasta?

You know, very, you know, let's watch The Notebook. You know, and I think that some pasta? You know, very, you know, let's watch the notebook. You know, and, and, and I think that's the thing that's so scary. You get like kind of sucked up in it. And then all of a sudden- It's crazy. I mean, I, what did she just had to testify that-

So she was on the, she was on the roll call of people to testify, but because they had footage of him entering into the boss's building and they had footage of him entering into the boss's building, and they had footage of him leaving, and they were able to piece it, they didn't need, they didn't need any more material witnesses to be like, oh yeah, he was gone from these hours. They were like, we got it.

But she was, she was there. He did plead guilty because he was caught. But yes, but I guess at a certain point, she had to go, but she had to still go through the whole thing of being, you know, pretend cross-exit deposed and a whole thing. And yeah, just because she was the roommate. And did she see anything? Did she sign for a package?

I believe that she did sign for a package that came to the house that was used in the thing. It was like a Taser. But she didn't know. She didn't think it was just an Amazon box. So she signed for Taser. Yeah, sure, Oh wow. But she didn't know. She didn't think it was an Amazon box. Right, of course. So she's like, I've heard Taser. Yeah, sure. My roommate.

And I didn't open it up. So yeah, so she was, her name was on certain things and there were pieces that she was involved with. Wow. Scary stuff. It is. Alright, Brent, you still there? Top that, Brent. I am. Alright, well thanks so much. Thanks for sticking around.

Appreciate it. Alright, byebye now. Andy Richter calling show 855-266-2604. We got about 15 minutes left. We'll go next to Don. Hello, Don. Hey, Andy. What's up?

How are you doing? What's up? Oh, I had a roommate at the University of Georgia, and I guess to describe the situation, I'm from Congress, Georgia, actually. I went to high school with Jack McBrary. I was gonna say Jack McBrary's hometown. I was literally about to say it, that's amazing.

I was in play with Jack McBrary. He was busy painting the ass then too? Oh my gosh, he is just, he still seems to be the same person he was in high school. He's the best. He is, he is just, he still seems to be the same person he was in high school. He's the best. He's the funniest person. You can't be around him without laughing. Yeah, he's great.

And so that gives you the picture of the Golly gee Georgia, you know, conservative. Kenneth, Kenneth, Kenneth the page. By the way, is everybody from Conyers like that? Is that like, is that what you're saying? That they were all, they're just all Jack McBrayers in there? No, there were, but yeah, we do have the Golly gee accent and probably the Golly gee attitude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can see that. I like it. And so I met the guy for the first time and I was a scrawny little nothing and he's this big guy, look at all this stuff. And so we meet one time, but don't really get to know each other. Then we end up in the dorm room together and he was a graphic artist and he was going to illustrate books for like schools and um... like do you like physical anatomy and stuff like that and i was like oh that's cool but he was a

wonderful artist and in my room there's pictures of like landscapes and all this stuff that he had hung on the wall i didn't think anything of it one day i mean he was weird and he was a little bit off but then he starts describing his work. And if you look into his pictures, they were all pornographic.

Oh, oh. He had like... Wait, now you say like, if you look in his portfolio. Yeah, yeah. You don't mean like things on the wall. It's not like he had secretly included pornographic, subliminal porn graphic in the landscape in the landscaping like you'd have a mountain scene and

The way like the the stream coming out of the middle was a vagina. No shit. I was just kidding I love this Wow and Like then he would point out and all of a sudden it went from a beautiful landscape to there's a woman with her legs spread So I'm not gonna golly tea Well, yeah, that must have taken your breath away cuz that's like one of those pictures like where you look at you go That's Abraham Lincoln, but then you really look at it again. It's like that's a naked lady, right? You know, you see one of those pictures But

after he Allowed me into his, for like a better word, he would go, he just kept on and on and every picture was just something and then he would have people involved. I was like, and every time I came to the dorm room, it was another discussion and I'm like, you gotta let this go, you know? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Look, when you're good at something, you stick with it. I mean, this is- A fish has gotta swim.

I gotta say, Don, you're kinda like, you may have gone to school with a Disney artist because aren't there all these like Aladdin and Roger Rabbit where all of a sudden there's like, oh, there's a penis in the background of the Lion King and stuff like that. Like these guys are getting off in the middle of their drawings.

I have no doubt that he would have been great at that. He could have made a minute. So what, I mean, does he, you just kind of part ways? Does anything? Pretty much, I just didn't live in my dorm room other than to sleep. Right, right. I mean, now, like, do you ever think he was gonna say,

you know, I need a real world model here. Would you, you know, maybe take off your shirt or something like that? Did you ever get that vibe from me that he wanted to draw you? Oh, my God. I don't think so. Yeah, yeah.

But I don't know. He draws a portrait of you and it's like, are those vaginas for my eyes? Yeah, I never asked for a self portrait. All right, Don, well, thank you very much. I mean, and by the way, you know, if you know that artist's name, I would like a coffee table book. Yeah, give me a piece of that work. Oh, that sounds fantastic. All right, Don, thank you. Yes, sir. Y'all have a good one. You too.

I took a photography class in college and it just reminded me of it, but there was a guy in the photography class who every project he would put in nude self-portraiture, a full frontal nudity of himself, and his gigantic penis. Well, I think when you have a gigantic penis, why not show it off? No, I don't think, I think, you know,

maybe a little bit of that, but not like, I mean, we had it, one of our early projects was to use a photo booth. Oh, brother. Because there was like a couple places in town, and he, you know, whips it out in the photo booth in Murphy's Pub or wherever the fuck it was. Oh, man.

You know what? I went to Japan with my dad. And we, it was, I was an adult. I like that this started with a big hog. Made you think, I went to Japan with my dad. Well, so we go to this, there's an area in Tokyo where they have all these bars. It's like three stories of bars,

and it's like a three block radius. It's amazing, it's like a thousand bars in this like one little area. So we go and we're looking around, and we have this like tour guide, and we go into this one bar, and it's all erotic art. Like all just naked pictures. And I start to clock it and the guy says to my dad

and I, he's like, you know, I actually, I took these, these are all my photos. And my dad is a lovely guy. He's like, oh really? Oh, well, I like to take photos too. And then all of a sudden my dad got into an hour long conversation looking at every piece, and my dad got into an hour-long conversation looking at every, and my dad's a conservative guy,

looking at every piece of erotic art. Oh, wow, that's a beautiful penis. Oh, great, great job. The breasts are centered. Oh, that's a substantial bush there. Really, really nice, yeah, really good work there. Just so funny, and I just sat at the bar silently. I was like, I can't engage in this in any way.

I just will sit here and watch my dad compliment this man. Oh, great butthole, great, lovely butthole there. Yeah, really great. There was, there was, when my son was little, somebody at the school invited everyone to their art show and it was all giant vaginas. Giant hairy vaginas.

And people, it was like a bunch of people brought their kids. Which I mean, you know, I was like, my kids were both kind of like, hey, those were all vaginas. Like, yeah, yeah, sure. Oh myinas. Like, yeah, yeah, sure are. Oh my gosh. Well, yeah, that's the other thing I realized too as I get older, whereas I have kids.

Like, you know, you don't know until you have kids. And so many people are like, oh yeah, bring your kids, it'll be fun. And I'm like, it's not, it's not gonna be fun for them. Unless there has to, like, if they're a bouncy house there or there's things, like, it's not gonna be fun for them. And then they'll be like, oh, they'll love it,

they'll love it. They will not. And that is a perfect example of, bring your kids up to the vagina show. But it does seem like if your milieu is genitalia, maybe. Keep the kids at home. Yeah, don't tell, invite everybody from school. All right, next up we got Mark from Virginia.

From vagina to Virginia. Hello. Hey. No, I tell you what, where I live at it sometimes it definitely feels like a hot vagina gets so hot down here. Oh wow. Yeah, and smelly, I'm right by the dump.

Okay, all right. Yeah, let's just move on. Now, yeah, now we're getting. Yeah, it's getting awkward. All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Hey, when I was in college, I went to a little small school in Northeastern Wisconsin, or not Northeastern Wisconsin, Northeastern Ohio, it was called Baldwin Walls.

And we would, it was such a small school that people really didn't live out in town like they do at all the big schools. They would live, everything was done in the dorms. They had all the fraternities and all the sororities were in the dorms and everybody would live. So all the way up to senior year? Yeah, pretty much so. And they would, and they would, and it didn't matter if you weren't part of the fraternity or sorority, you would still get roommates that were, might not be in the fraternity sorority or you have a roommate that is.

You're basically saying that the dorm building is also the frat house. So you really have a it's like like no like one floor isn't the frat house floor. It's kind of all mixed in. Yeah. Right. But then there is the like the meeting room for all the brothers and sisters to go in and do their things. Got it. At any rate, so one time we are, you know, I must have been in like around Halloween or something and they had a big kegger and you know, everyone's dressed up in outfits

and their dorm rooms are made up into some kind of, you know, like one person speaking of what we were speaking of at first, someone had a room, he called it the womb and inside of it, like one, his one roommate was dressed up like a sperm and one, his other roommate was dressed up like a vagina, whatever. But everybody was drinking so much. I mean, it got just out of hand and pretty soon people were emptying the kegs on the, on the floor in the hallways. And it was the tile. People are doing slip slides on their belly and cont floor in the hallways and it was the tile. People are doing slip slides on their

belly and contests down the hallways and doing all this stuff and crazy and pretty soon the fire extinguishers come out and they start up the fire extinguisher wars and opening up the doors and spraying inside of rooms and I mean it's just crazy and then all this and then pretty much everybody passes out because everybody's been drinking and then some dick or in that and within that dorm room he went around everybody's room because everybody's passed out and yeah and he drew cock and balls and indelible magic marker on just about everybody's faces on that whole whole floor and people were just it was it was the amazing part about it was in the morning when everybody's shuffling out of their rooms to go to the bathroom. And they're, you know, they're all hung over. They can barely think. And all of a sudden you just hear these high pitched screams and yelling coming from the bathrooms because they're seeing what's on their face.

A pretty great prank. You know what? Yeah, Dick and Balls on the face is, it's a classic. I think we had a sketch. For a reason. I think we had a sketch on Human Giant where we had the balls and dick fairy come. So like, it was like, it wasn't like a person, did it? It's like, if you got too drunk and you fast out,

like a little fairy would come and just dink your face and get a little balls and dick on there for you. I cannot remember who told me this story. I think it might've been a writer at Conan dink your face and get a little balls and dick on there for you. I cannot remember who told me this story. I think it might've been a writer at Conan who had, you know, this morning after a big party, somebody had passed out and uh, like got, you know, dick and balls spurting dick on their face and all kinds of stuff.

And was awakened by a phone call to find out there was a death in the family. Oh, no. And is sitting there on the phone with a spurting dick on his face as he's finding out that someone's died, and everyone's like, oh, you know, there's this sympathy, and he's upset and stuff,

you know, and calms down, and then that he goes to the bathroom. Oh, my... And he's like, you motherfuck down, and then that, he goes to the bathroom. Oh, my... And he's like, you motherfuckers, god damn it. I mean, that to me is a great just side character in a movie that everyone comes home for a funeral.

I can't get it off my face. I can't. Like, it's just in there. I had to wear a lucha libre mask. Uh... That is a good prank, though. Like, it is a great prank to do the entire floor and then feel that, like, that wave that next morning. Whoa! That is a good prank though. Like it is a great prank to do the entire floor and then feel that like that wave that next morning.

Whoa, you know, it's a harmless prank. And then you got, you certainly should have gotten a group photo of it. Yeah. Well, yeah, back then that was, we had no cameras. That was like 1985. So it was kind of a.

There was a little bird in there, right? And then you had to draw each picture. It's a living. All right, Mark, thank you so much. Thanks a lot. Yeah, take care. All righty. All right, we got time for one more.

Kevin from Seattle. Hey, yo. Hey, yo. Hello. Big fan, hey, yo, big fan of both of you guys. Oh my gosh. Second time on the podcast. Oh nice.

Second time with Paul, so. Oh wow. Oh nice. A bit, a bit of a coolness. So anyway, my story is back in when I went to school out in Wisconsin, one of my roommates, Pete, was really big into World of Warcraft, like, you know, especially back in that time, like people would hear about dropping out of school in order to play World of Warcraft Yeah, just just paint the picture a little bit because I think for people who don't know World of Warcraft

It's not a card game It's a computer game and like you can spend literally eight or nine hours like what digging for or or something like that, right? Like it's like you're you're getting like minerals, right? Yeah, and maybe they would like team with people, random people over the internet, they'd be talking online over like precursor to a discord and do their big raids and things like that. So it was basically a huge time suck. And you know, people were failing out of school because of this game.

So he decided, okay, I'm going to stop playing cold turkey. and because a couple weeks before that I had been at Hot Topic for some reason and Was it rules? I thought they had a work set to that But I saw they had a Warcraft pin that was his faction So he was a horde player. Okay, and I'm like, okay I'm gonna get this for Pete and you, already it's kind of a weird gift. Christmas was coming up, but it was weird to give to him in general when he played Warcraft. Yeah. But when he was on his break, I'm like, okay, this is going to be weird to give to him

no matter what. So, okay, I'm just gonna, I'll figure this out later. He ends up staying off of Warcraft for about six weeks and then an expansion comes out during finals week. So it's like, okay, I'm getting back in the game. He starts playing again while studying for finals, while taking finals. And there was this one moment where I knew he was taking one of his finals at 8am. So he'd be out of the apartment at a probably not coming back until 10 so I'm like okay now's the time when I can spring this pin on him so

he's gone I take out a legal envelope toss the pin in that envelope and then I take red finger paint which I bought for this full purpose because it looks like blood and I took that finger paint and I wrote on the envelope, welcome back. And then I set it on the entryway to our suite area. Um, just so it looked like someone had split it under our door. And then set it there, went back in my room, waited for 10 o'clock when he'd be done with his test and coming back home. So when that point arrives, I'm hiding in my room.

I try to stifle laughs and I hear the door open. I hear him kick me and roll across the floor just like inadvertently. And that prompts off, what's the hell? And then I, I can hear him bending down to pick this off and it prompts another, what the hell? And then I hear the envelope carrying and I don't hear the literal pin drop, but there is a pin drop because the next thing he says, she just goes, what the fuck? what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, that was his real vanity.

And at that point, I was in my room and I just start burst out laughing. And at that point he looks at my door, looks at his envelope, realizes I was the one who was messing with him, and he just goes, I hate you, Kevin, and walks into his room. What did he think? I mean, did you ever ask him what his assumption was?

He thought one of our randos he'd play with on the internet had tracked him down. Oh. And found him. Yeah, wow. And was just messing with him. Was gloating about pulling him back in. He was so untrue. Yeah.

What I love about this story is that it started out so sweet, like, oh, I was at Hot Topic, I saw this thing, I was like, maybe I'll get this for my buddy. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, well, I can't give it to him normally. And then you just create this elaborate ruse that seemingly only lasts for about five seconds. And I wish you would have like-

Let him twist. Yeah, let him twist a little bit. You gotta stifle that laugh next time. I think that would have, you would have really driven him insane. I wanted to so badly, but it was just like, I mean, it had been the six weeks of buildup and I was just like, okay, yep, yep.

Can't hold back, can't hold back. Oh my gosh. All right, well thank you, Kevin. We gotta run, we're out of time. All right, son. Welcome back, Kevin. Thanks a lot. All right, Paul.

We usually, we pick the best one. So many good ones. I know, so many good ones. I think Stepson Murder. I was really enjoying that one as well. I mean, I'm gonna knock out your cousin because. That's not fair. Right.

Right, right. She like, that was, I mean, if all is fair, that's the best one without a doubt. Right. But I do, you know, I also, I mean, if we have to disagree, I would take the erotic arc. But the Stepson Murder. That's true. The Stepson Murder had the best twist of the day.

Yes, it did. I enjoyed that. Although I do, now I'm gonna be looking for that artist on the internet. I wanna see it. Landscapes full of genitalia. I will say that everybody did have some good twists here. It was good, it was a good day. Kudos everyone.

Great job, great job, and may you all not get a dick drawn on your face and may you all find your your keychains in your own puke yes well paul sheer thank you so much once again your book joyful recollections of trauma is out now yep audiobook any book what do you have what podcast how did this get made and unspooled yep uh thanks so much i'm so happy to be here. That's the best. Yeah, I would love it. And we'll be back next week with Joe Mandi. Stick around right now for Stand Up on Conan with Lori Kilmartin, who wrote for Conan on

the Oscars. And he was great, she's great. Enjoy Stand Up on Conan. And we'll be back next week.