The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Rachel Bloom & Chris Fleming: Live at SiriusXM Hollywood (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: May 30, 2025

Live in front of a studio audience in Hollywood, California – it’s The Andy Richter Call-In Show! Comedians Rachel Bloom and Chris Fleming join Andy Richter to hear outrageous and embarrassing stories from callers and audience members. It’s a hilarious (and occasionally disgusting) evening of comedy and storytelling.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT. 

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Andy Richter Collins Show live in Sirius XM Hollywood with very special guests, Rachel Bloom and Chris Flemming! Hi everybody! Oh, that was more of a drop than I thought it was going to be. Thank you so much for coming to this live episode of the Andy Richter call-in show. I am Andy Richter. If you don't know that, then that would mean there's terrible security here.

Our theme tonight is most embarrassing moment which I feel is sort of everybody's got one of those. Oh yeah. And you know some people might not have a medical disaster but they've got a most embarrassing moment and our first guest or our first guest host is Rachel Bloom who specializes in embarrassing moments. I do I really do. Yeah. I'm very good at those. Oh, that really sets me up that I needed to give you a really good embarrassing moment right now. Well, you could, but you don't have to. Oh, there are so many.

Where to choose? This one, I was thinking about it. Some of the worst things I have are things that are retroactively embarrassing. So I used to be like, I was a disgusting roommate. Like I'm a really disgusting. Oh, really? I'm like kind of a disgusting person. I'm like disgusting roommate. Like I'm a really disgusting. I'm like kind of a disgusting person. Like my husband.

Like bowls of food around your bed for days at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the girl from Girl Interrupted with the chicken under the bed. Yeah, like a little bit, especially before I was like, I mean, I didn't realize I had ADHD and OCD and all of the fun comorbidities. Any doctors?

No? Okay. Hearing comorbidities at this hour just blew my mind. At this hour. That's too late today to hear comorbidities. That's a nine to five word for me. Okay. Right, right.

It's only like six. Right. And you should be sitting on a table when you hear it. On all fours, especially cow pose for comorbidities. Um, so I, like my husband is like, oh you're a real like dirt bag. That's actually like part of your identity. And like, something I think about is, one time I got food poisoning my freshman year and what I should have done was like, honestly asked my parents to pay for a motel room or whatever I and I shared I shared a dorm room with two

other people we shared a bathroom yeah and my ass exploded and they could both hear it and I just took over the room I took over the bathroom and instead of being like this is disgusting I'm sorry I should go somewhere else I just shit up this bathroom. And then if that weren't bad enough, so they kept, and they would hear everything. So if that weren't bad enough, I thought it would be prudent to take a bath.

Disgusting. This is a shower tub we all share. But I was like, I'm gonna take a bath. A closed tank. Well the reason, yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna make this into a Petri tub. So, no, no, no, it gets worse.

The reason I took a bath is- Oh, it gets worse! And granted, I shared this with them too. So I had food poisoning, also I was on my period, and so it made it so unsanitary I got a boil on my thigh. So I went into the bath- Haven't heard about a boil in a couple hundred years. We are off and running!

Yes. So I went into the bath to lance my boil. And so I say, but like I'm so disgusting. I'm like, and I'm doing it in kind of a manic pixie dream. I'm just like, hey girls, I'm going to go lance my little boil. Thinking that I was like cute and could get away with it. And they were like, and I cringe now.

I'm like, oh, I'm the most disgusting, horrific roommate. And I have other bet. This is probably my worst, I'm a bad roommate story. But I, I look back at that and how unself aware I was. And I, I'd like to say that now I would go to another bathroom to lance my boil. No, that's star power. That is honestly, that is the, the head space of a, of a rocker. That's a, that's star power. That is honestly, that is the head space of a rocker.

That's a, that's, I know. It's that kind of thing that launches someone into like Aerosmith type fame. You know what, I'm gonna lance that boil, which is also my favorite directive in the Cha Cha Slide. I was gonna say. Lance your boil. Lance that boil. When you say, Not in the tub. When you. I was like... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Lance or Boyle?

Lance at Boyle. Not in the tub. When you say Lance, do you mean, is it like you're moistening it and then stabbing? Yeah. From what I remember. I've never had a Boyle once. What implement were you using? If I remember, it was like a needle.

Yeah. It's not great. The whole story is disgusting. It's also like a really short cut to sepsis, dude. Like serious blood poisoning. I'm not convinced. Honestly, that food poisoning was so bad and the boil was so bad. I'm not totally convinced that I didn't die and this is just the afterlife. Well, this glass tank makes me feel like I've died.

Yeah. That's right. This is the human zoo. Welcome to it. Well, thank you for, like I said, getting us off and running. That was a disgust. What school was it? Was this at NYU? NYU.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he says. Oh yeah, sounds about right. Well, I heard forced triple, you know, because there's three of you and that seems like something NYU would do. Very, very NYU. And then make one of you sick to humiliate yourself in front of the others. It was truly... To build alliances.

Yeah, it was a really bad time. I wasn't even embarrassed at the time. I'm now embarrassed in hindsight 20 years ago. Not that embarrassed! You're right. You're on the way to you. This is on the record, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right, I'm just kind of like, it is what it is. You know what? It're on the way. This is on the record, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right, I'm just kind of like, it is what it is.

You know what? It's actually their fault. The body does what it does. They should have had more tolerance. And you know what? Yeah, we all have these stupid human bodies. Get used to it. And then what's funny is because a couple months later I found out, like on Valentine's

Day, because I had just been dumped, it was like Valentine's Day. I was a mess. I was like one of those girls who was like, it's Valentine's because I had just been dumped. It was like Valentine's Day. I was a mess. I was like one of those girls who was like, it's Valentine's Day and I just got dumped. And I was like eating dessert alone in the room and crying. And I found out they were going to be roommates next year and weren't including me. And I was like, but why? I was like, I thought we'd come along so well.

Oh man. Yeah. Oh well. It's what it is. Rachel, thank you so much for sharing. I think we've worked out some stuff here. Your turn, Chris. We also have Chris Fleming here.

Hi everybody. The wonderfully funny Chris Fleming. And well, you know, before you start, I do want to say like, this is such a thrill that I got you guys to do this tonight. And it was, and I have really been looking forward to it. Yeah, this is our first time speaking after the feud. After the feud.

Yeah. Family feud? At Pavilions we had a huge feud. Huge fight. Huge fight. He wanted cod. I wanted cod. Oh boy.

And so I ended up with the gogurt. Rachel got the cod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a country song. I got the gogurt. She got the cod. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a country song. I got the go-gurt. She got the cod. Well, anyway, I'm so happy to have you here. Chris, thank you for coming. Did you get lace-like in this last couple minutes, Eddie? No, no. No.

No, I get Elton John face sweats. And- What are you talking about, Elton John face sweats? Elton John, I don't know, maybe it's just something I've noticed. This is the problem with being an observational poetic genius. You just drop, oh I get Elton John face sweats. No, because I have seen so many times with Elton John on TV, someone's nodding here in the front row, with his glasses fogging up.

Well that's Brandy Carlisle puppeting him from. Heeding him up. No, the glasses start to fog because they're too close to the face. And then I worry about the John Goodman head sweats. Well you don't have, he's also encasing his sweat with sequins upon sequins. Yes. And I... yeah. And also like an artificial head covering, you know?

Oh yeah. That's very similar to my Auntie Donna's haircut from 1994. It's jarringly similar. No, I don't know. Well, you know, he actually might have plugs now. Oh. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think it's one big hair yarmulke. Yeah. Just front to..., oh yeah. I think it's one big hair yarmulke. Yeah. This front of. Yeah, yeah. Whatever it is. I like it. I like the color. It gets brighter every day. I tracked it. Am I cheating out enough? So yeah, so yeah, no, I don't have LASIK. I still have. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'm not eligible,

my doctor tells me. What do you mean? I don't know. He says it won't work for me. And then he told... And I've asked him twice and he tells me the reason. And I'm not a good listener. Yeah. Because I don't remember. But when he says it to me, I'm like,

okay, yeah, that makes sense. I can understand why I can't get Lasik. And then... I think it's a vibe thing. Yeah, exactly. No, yeah, yeah. It's like the glasses are a it's a vibe thing. Yeah, exactly. No, yeah, yeah. The glasses are a whole thing now with you. Some of us need, this is too much for you.

You need a berry. Yeah. It's like seeing your dad without glasses for the first time and you're like, who's this mole man in bed with my mom? I remember. I remember. Oh! Yeah.

I'm not saying that's the reaction I'm having to you. Right, right, right. Oh, okay, good. Good, good, good. I keep moving this closer to me because one of your minions, as soon as we sat up, I was too far and he came sprinting to me and. Boof! Right. Yeah, you gotta be on the mic and you and I actually am

Sort of like I'm a Mike Fiddler and this so this is a different set up. I have you on my phone is that Andy the Mike Fiddler? Andy the Mike Fiddler. Yeah, it was it's my lease selling album I think I've uh I was gonna say I think I've seen that name on the Citizen app more than once Oh god, he moved near me? Oh shit. Bring in the mics. He'll fiddle with them.

Well, how are you, Chris? What's in your life? What's embarrassing for me? Well, recently I disgraced myself, I think, in front of Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh. So Lin-Manuel Miranda, he responded responded to something that I posted just like, ha ha this is funny. And this was around Christmas time and I was outside of Starbucks and they were playing his Mary Poppins song and I was like how fun

would it be if I you know got this on tape and sent this clip to Lin-Manuel Miranda. I'm impressed that you knew. Well, it was very clearly him as the chimney sweep, like. But it was just... It was just audio, right? Yeah, yeah, it was audio. But you knew it... like, I wouldn't know Lin-Manuel Miranda. No, but you've seen Mary Poppins Returns, right?

As we all have. It's like being in love, you know. When you hear it, you know. Okay. The songs are legit, you know. Okay. The songs are legit very good from that movie. It was poppin'. Look, he's an amazing, yeah. It was poppin'.

He's an amazing composer. No, he didn't compose it. Oh, he didn't? No, Mark Shea, I'm sorry. Well, and fuck that. He's not. No, I mean, I got a five year old Moana, thank God that Moana's good. It's so good.

There was like a period of my life where it's all I heard in the fucking car. You know that all happened to Dwayne Johnson? Really? Yeah. It's based on a trip from the headlines? It was just a general meeting that he had. He killed a neel, he buried its guts? Yeah.

Planet it, now you have coconuts? That's him? Look, I guess. What a crazy life. I know, I know. Wait, let's get back to you and your- Alright, so Lin-Manuel writes to me, that's funny, and then I'm like, I'm gonna film this clip of him singing this song

and send it to him, but I thought I could edit it in app, but for some reason, it just sent it to him but I thought I could edit it in app but for some reason it just sent automatically and so I sent him a two-minute clip of the exterior of a Starbucks where you can't hear him singing so you hear me breathing. And it's just the exterior of a Starbucks. And I'm in like a mountainous area, so I just said, I'm like, I'll write the, I don't think it's gonna send. It sends. Right, right. Oh my god. And we're in vanish mode, which is like how you send like nudes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Lynn is like, oh this young man is out of his fucking mind. Do you like coffee? Here's a coffee place. For two minutes. Funny video Chris. Here's a Starbucks in San Bernardino. Well did you explain to him?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well no, no, I wrote, I was like, um, he handled it so gracefully. He was like, I was like, oh, this was they were playing your song like two hours later. Cause he wrote like, ha ha! Ha ha! I think as he's blocking me,

like trying to like steer me out of block Chris Fleming. And then I was like, oh, I was playing your song, you were a cockney. That just reminded me of a number of years ago, I was doing, I still believed in the possibility of the future and so I was doing political things. I've stopped. I mean, I just now, now I'm just trying to figure out which ice flow I'm going to cut myself away on. But no, I was doing like political fundraising kind of thing, and it was like,

send, you know, send an email to everybody you know that has influence or is rich. Uh-oh. You know, so I made a big email list. I didn't get that email, Andy. I know you didn't. No, you didn't. Like I said, it was a few years ago. Okay, okay.

Gale hadn't come out yet. Okay. But I, so I made this, you know, email and wrote it and it was like just the right amount of money and stuff but serious, we need to raise money for this or whatever. Yeah. And I neglected to put everybody on BCC. Oh, shit.

Oh, I love, that's my favorite. And there were some famous people on that fucking thing. Putin. Putin, you got it. Putin. Christopher Dorner. Yeah, yeah. Christopher Dorner. Yeah, yeah.

No, and everybody in the list like shit on me. They're just like, they're like, you fucking idiot. I don't see Conan treating you very well about it. Well, no, I mean, it was, yeah, it was dumb. But it was also, it was kind of like, there was, there weren't like, I mean, I didn't worry about it that much because there weren't like, just randos on there. It was all people, you know.

Right. In the Illuminati. Yeah, like, they had, yeah, they're all Illuminati. It's the respect within Illuminati. They've all been to the covens. Yeah. Um. Yeah.

Yeah. But, um, I apparently wasn't so embarrassed by it that I didn't do it again. I did it again like six months later. Oops. I did it again. The exact same fucking thing. Was it the same group of people? Yes. It was my like rich and famous, you know, it's like 50, 60 names. Who were you most embarrassed about? Like Shania Twain? No, but I mean there's people, you know, there's like, you know, like Will Ferrell's on there. I think maybe Sacha Baron Cohen was on there. You know, like just people that don't need their email out. Yeah. It's a manic move.

That second one, yes. That second one, people would reply to that second one literally for years. Yeah. I would get like, four years later somebody would be like, where are we on this fundraiser? It was just like a way to just, oh yeah, just to sort of dig it in there. My husband and I, before my daughter was born, we went into like preemptive couples therapy, just to like, let's just troubleshoot this now.

Sure, sure. And it was right before the pandemic. Clean up the pipes. Yeah, yeah. And it was like right before the pandemic. Anyway, so we've been with her for a couple months, pandemic happened, she sends an email to all of her clients being like,

hey, I just wanna talk about wellness in this time of the pandemic, but she didn't BCC. Oh. She CC'd all of her clients. Oh. So I'm, we're both sitting there and I'm like, she must be mortified. Like I think this,

you could actually lose your license for this. I'm like, I can't imagine the day she's having, I'm not gonna reply. And there were a couple of other comedians that we knew on the list, and I was like, who's gonna be the first one to do a bit? No one did. A couple days go by and no one has said anything.

And I'm like, we gotta say something. And so we respond separately and we go, hey, I don't know if you clock this but you know you did You did CC instead of be CC on that email and all of your clients can see each other Again expecting like this is gonna ruin her day. She didn't realize it happened Now I need to remind you that the job of a therapist is to validate you. That is the main job We email her this happened you CC cc'd everyone. She emails back, oh weird I don't see that on my end.

Wow, a gaslighting queen. I don't see what am I in. I see the sent email. We were shocked. We were like, no no you don't understand. We can see everyone sent email. We were shocked. We were like, no, no, you don't understand. We can see everyone's email. She was like, oh, weird. I'll check it out. This is why we can't trust these people. My trust in the mental health profession

will never ever be the same. Especially when you have friends that are becoming therapists. So many of my friends are becoming therapists. Mine too. It's like a thing. Yeah and these are people who should be in conservatorships. Yeah. Well, you know, I mean, I always look at it. I always like look at it like, you know how like there's so many stories about police kind of turning criminal cuz they're sort of like on the edge of legality and they're sort of you know they need to know about

both sides yeah that's that's shrinks and craziness like they're in the business of crazy and it's like you know like I'm not surprised at all it's like most shrinks are absolutely insane yeah I had I had one. I had a Beverly Hills shrink, very like been around forever, like cool, older, kind of Leonard Cohen vibe, rode a motorcycle, smoked cigars. Yeah. Friend of mine, Simpsons rider. I heard about this later.

That's a show. No. For those of you who aren't inside baseball Hollywood, that's a television show. I heard Simpsons Rider and I was like is that a motor suit? You know someone out there has a customized Homer, Homer Ha. Oh yeah, I hope it's a tricycle. No, but my friend is a Simpsons writer, invites his shrink, you know, like our shared shrink, to a table read, which is a thing that the Simpsons do. Oh my God. Yeah, you can go, like it's a very regular thing when they do a table read on The Simpsons.

There's an audience and it's all like people that, you know, writers invited or producers invited or, you invited or cast. Afterwards, my friend is sitting at the table with the writers in this kind of the hubbub. Shring walks up and goes, hey, how are the depression meds working? No. No.

And my friend's like, great. And he said, not any problem with Noodle-Droop? No, no, everything's fine. OK, thanks for the table read. Noodle-Droop? Noodle-Droop. And it's like, if you're going to talk about my impotency, at least put in adult terms.

Well, Noodle-D Droop will give you, to hear Noodle Droop I will now be impotent. Noodle Droop. Noodle Droop. I bet you like whoever started the psychiatry and industry of death museum this is what happens. I'll get you a noodle, Drew. I'll show you. I had a therapist who would say, Chris, you gotta, she's South African, Chris, you really gotta put your big girl panties on. And I was like, is that something you say to a lot of people? And she goes, actually, no, never said it to anybody else.

But you were wearing a tube top. Yeah, pantsless. I needed to put my finger on pants. Yeah, you really did. Yeah, no, that's inappropriate. Well, should we take a call? Oh, yeah. I took this out because I was getting vertigo when we walked in.

Oh, really? Well, not actually, but I was kind of you know. Yeah, yeah. You blocked that and we're back here. Let's give this a try. Erica in California. Oh. Oh.

Are you there? Hi. Yeah, I'm here. Hi there. Can you guys hear me alright? Yeah, we can hear you. How are you? You sound great.

Great. Yeah, no I'm good good this is really embarrassing so that's awesome yeah that's fantastic do you mind if we put on the radio I actually I had to warn the people involved in it that I was gonna call in and they were like I cannot believe you're fucking calling to tell anybody that but I'm like, yeah, fuck it, right? Right. They swore at you like that? So, just a little preface to it.

I had gone whole food plant based. I was eating no meat, no butter, nothing like that. And so my daughter had this new boyfriend, it was during COVID, and what happened was they invited us over for dinner. Her parents, or his parents wanted to meet me, so I was like, yeah, let's do it. So, you know, I go over there, we're dressed up,

and we're having a great time, but they served a meal that had a lot of butter, and I decided whatever, I'm just going to eat everything tonight. I don't care. Now, so I have just been eating a lot of fiber because I'm eating a lot of plants. I wish you would talk to us first because everyone's shaking their heads going. Call us next time before you eat the butter.

So I'm eating dinner. Yeah, so I'm eating dinner and this. Yeah. So I'm eating dinner and this is the first meal I've had like throughout the entire pandemic that has got any animal products or butter especially. I mean I'm emphasizing that because I'm also lactose intolerant. Oh good, good. I want them to like me. Yeah I know I don't know what I was thinking. So I'm just trying to like you know be have a good time you know make a good impression on his know. I don't know what I was thinking. So I'm just trying to like, you know, be have a good time, you know, make a good impression on his parents. I really like the kid. His aunt and uncle are there and and they've grandparents showed up like halfway through dinner.

Is this a surprise wedding? Why is everyone there? Right? It was so awkward. I was like, Oh, hello. Right? I'm a single parent. So it was just me and my kid. And I was, you know, so we're, by the time we get to dessert, my stomach is beginning to gurgle. Right? And, you know, somebody made some huge joke. Yeah. So somebody made a really big joke and everybody was cracking up. I leaned back in my chair to laugh and i let out it's like my app called jim betrayed me i read and that's the the thing is that happened when everybody had family stop laughing at it

assemble crash awful i did i've read just thought it was awful. I just, I ripped one. It was so fucking loud. I mean, I totally could have played a tune if I realized it was my own asshole. I was in shock. And so obviously everybody stops and her boyfriend looks at me and he goes, um, did you just fart?

And you know, everyone's staring at me. I was like, oh my God, I felt my face get red and immediately sweaty. I was so embarrassed. My kid got up and walked out. She was so embarrassed. And I just got up. I was like, I am so sorry.

I just ripped ass in your kitchen. You used the term ripped ass? That's good. That's good. No, I didn't. I just thought in my head like oh my god This is the worst first impression ever You know I excused myself very embarrassed. I was like kind of laughing trying to play it off with the bathroom

I didn't just rip myself. I literally shit myself Yeah, you did Yeah, yeah you did. It was so worth it. Oh god, it was awful. Are we talking, I'm sorry, I just so I understand. Was it, are we talking shart or was there like a lump of coal? No, it was just a shart. It was just a shart, thankfully. You didn't make sense of it. Don't undermine it, not just.

It was pretty bad. It was really embarrassing. Yeah, no. So, yeah, obviously I thought, I just thought, you know what, my kids are never gonna forgive me. This, when I came out, they, it was, it was all better towards the end. By the time I came out, they were like telling their best fart stories. And I just, you know, I was like, oh my God. And they were cracking up. They were like, it's okay, don't worry, you know. And, you know, it's, it's just, they they made me feel better but it was generally the most embarrassing moment

of my life you were a leader you were a leader you understand that you yes look it was rough in them it was rough for a second right but you broke the ice yeah yeah it was rock and roll yeah I don't think you should make a habit of it you shard it down barrier and you know I you know what I don't think you should make a habit of it. You sharted down barriers. Well, they're still together. And you know what? I don't like how the boyfriend handled it. Yeah, no.

I don't like how your daughter's storming out. Yeah, or your daughter abandoning you. You learn about loyalty at times like this. Right, exactly. And it's also like, look, you came out of next door. So come on. Yeah, we know. Well, upstairs. You came out of next door. So come on.

Yeah, we know. Well, upstairs. You came out from upstairs. Princess. Yeah, yeah. Next door. I know it depends on which way. Right, right.

Exactly. If you're lying. Right. Yeah. Upstairs? Absolutely. Well, they're still dating. So it's been a few years now.

They're still dating. So I'm safe to say, I might have been the reason that you know they're still together First of all I was just trying to we were talking geography sorry Upstairs from the I think it depends what the angle is like if I do oh, I do this we're talking upstage You're absolutely right I was a mad you said upstairs or upstate We should start referring So I need to... You're downstage, downstage! Upstage, upstage! If you can see them, they can see you!

Wait, is your vagina upstaged? No, no, he was saying the vagina is upstairs of the asshole. And I was saying, there are more next door neighbors. It depends on how you lay. That's exactly what Andy said. Depends on the angle. Yeah. All right, well, Erica, thank you.

Erica, that is really, really, really great. You know what I heard? I heard- You're welcome. I was hanging out with some people in the deaf community the other day, and apparently, if you're in the deaf community, people are very blunt and straightforward about like shitting and farting.

So that's a fun fact. Yeah, that makes sense. And I just wanted to let you know that, Erica, that you, through this story, you are an ally of the deaf community. That's what I was. That's how I feel about anything on my back. It's not my problem. It's the world's problem that sees my back.

You know what I'm saying? I feel about my entire appearance. It's not my problem. Speaking of which, Andy, your legs are gorgeous. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, everyone's been eyeing them. Also, they're completely hairless. They are completely hairless.

These are sports illustrated legs Well, thank you. They used to be better before the the old man veins came in, but I don't see any old I'm a very hairless person to the point that like my dad's that way Yeah, I just and I mean I used to have chest hair but in the last few years it retired I have one one pigtail does it make a sound oh yeah no it's open people bump into me makes a sound and it's spring oh yeah have you ever worn heels? Uh, yeah I have. Uh, comedy bits. No, I know, but I just, I don't know, I feel like you got like drag legs going on.

I feel like someone's gotta, someone's gotta make this happen for you. Yeah, but that would involve drawing attention to myself in a visual way that I have no interest in doing. Um, no, but I have had, like, I was at a farmer's market once, buying papooses as one of my own to take home to the kids. And I hear a voice behind me go like, do you shave those lids? And I have expected to be a friend of mine, you know, because it was so incredibly invasive. There's a familiarity. Yeah, yeah.

And I turned around and it's just some brand-old guy. And I was like, no, I'm kind of old is what it is. And he went like, yeah, because man, you don't have a one hair on your legs. And I think he knew who I was. I was going to say, what bothers you more, someone noticing you purely through your legs or someone being like, where do I know you from? And doing the rude thing where it's like, you tell me.

Which is worse though? Which would you prefer? I, um... Gosh, they're so inextricably linked. See, the person who noticed your legs, they have no idea who you are. They're just noticing your legs for your legs. Well... It's nice to be objectified every once in a while. I guess.

I guess, but it didn't feel like he was going, your hairlessness is an admirable trait. It was more like, it was more just the way I feel when I see, well, I mean, it's super eight footage of me as a toddler, and I realize that my bodily dimensions are pretty much the same. Head size, hands, everything, it's all pretty. And it's even better when, like, the woman in my life, it goes, oh my god, your body's exactly the same. Like, it's, yeah, it doesn't exactly make you feel virile.

How, wait, wait, how, how the same have they, you're saying it's the proportionally you've stayed exactly the same since toddlerhood? Pretty much, like baby Huey. Which is a thing that I used to be called. I don't think I would ever, I don't think I would know to even track that. I don't know if I would make that, you know, to see that. I'll send you the footage. Okay.

And then you'll be able to see. Okay. No, I mean, I'm a very, I've always been like a thick person, like I need extra, I've always needed like extra links and watch bands and no gloves fit me. I have this life like, and it's, I swear to God, it's getting bigger my head I used to be a size eight which good luck finding that shit

And I think I'm now like an eight and an eighth. I think that it's all the thinking They're always the information is really piling up scratching that head walking around I don't know my head size. You don't? No, I'm probably like a youth medium. You wouldn't want to cover up that beautiful hair. Oh, you don't want to see when I'm wet? You don't want to see it.

I don't know, maybe I do. Should we go to the phone or should we go to the audience? You guys decide. Oh, let's go to the audience. Does anybody have a story they want to share? We've barely heard from you. If nobody does, then we can sort of go back to the phone. I think Jeff has a story.

Alright, Jeff. Hold on. How do we all know Jeff's name? Everyone was like, Jeff! These guys all came in one van. So I'll give you guys a little bit of generational trauma. What's your name? I'm Jeff. So my villain origin story, like a lot of people starts with my dad being incapable

of experiencing shame. So back when VHS stores were still a thing, they used to have these sort of like fish bowl, plastic fish bowls with candy, loose candy, meat sticks and stuff. And this is about the time Hellraiser 3 came out. That's how you know it was really traumatic, because I remember. We were checking out of the store, and my dad hands off the VHS tapes, the guy is checking them in, he's grabbing a few things, tossing them in to cash out,

and he grabs one of these meat sticks, and he starts chewing on it. What? I feel like I'm here to see Jeff's one man show right here. Are you saying a meat? The way Jeff's posed and lit right now. Yeah, it has a very... Are you saying a meat stick?

Meat stick. Like beef jerky. Jerky, great. Like an Oregon Trail. You would think it was beef jerky. So the guy looks up at my dad and his jaw drops and he goes, sir, those are for dogs. And my dad, in classic dad fashion, doesn't miss a beat.

He goes, hmm, not bad. And then he just finished eating it. He didn't stop like a real man. I never recovered. Did he have to pay for it? You know. He didn't stop. Like a real man. I never recovered. Did he have to pay for it? You know, I don't recall. I think I... I think I wiped my memory for the most part after that. Well, if you got it for free, I bet you he did it again.

Became his thing. Why have dog treats in with candy? Yeah. Yeah, how often was this mistake, this mishap happening? The guy seemed pretty shocked by it. I feel like the dog on the container should have given it away, but here we are. I like that they serve that like it's an last minute impulse by.

Yeah. What? Snickers. Right, right. Is your dog going to be famished while you're walking forest dump? Yeah. Want a duck face?

That's what I imagine it was, a duck face of some kind. Those dehydrated dog treats that are really barbaric. It is interesting how we have, like if you look at the ingredients of dog treats, they're pretty similar to, but if it's marketed to dogs, it would be so disgraceful of us to be eating the same thing, even if we're eating similar snacks. You know what I'm saying? I think culturally that weighs a lot on a man's psyche. And also too, I bet you there's not a lot of difference between that dog meat stick

and a Slim Jim. It's probably better. Yeah, I mean, what could possibly be different? It's probably just a season. It's probably no red dye or whatever. Yeah, yeah mean, what could possibly be different? It's probably just... It's probably no red dye or whatever. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. That's...

I always... I mean, I... You know, it's like it's not a... Well, I just talked about this the other day. My grandfather, my dad's dad, one time when I was a kid, and I was maybe six or seven, gave me... He's like, have a cookie. And it was some kind of dog treat. And I ate it. And it was like a or seven, gave me, he's like, have a cookie, and it was some kind of dog treat,

and I ate it, and it was like a big, big laugh, and even, you know, like those moments in your childhood. He punked you like that? Yeah, like, haha, it's a dog treat! And you know those moments when you sort of like, as a kid, you feel like your consciousness shoots up into adulthood, into the sky, and you look over above and go, this is fucked up.

And I had that moment of like, you should not be giving your grandson dog treats and then delighting in the fact that he trusted you. No. That's what memories are imprinted as moments of like deep shame. Yeah. Like there was a, there was this moment, I was like about six or seven and my family and I, we were at a restaurant, it was on Mother's Day and a woman, I'll never forget what she looked like.

She had frizzy black hair and she was wearing a stupid Easter hat. If it was Mother's Day, it wasn't Easter. She comes up to my table and she hands my dad a napkin and she goes, this is for you. And he opens it and it's a note that says, eating next to your family was the most unpleasant experience of my life. You are all incredibly loud

and I hope you take care of your gas problem. Sincerely, good meal ruined. And I remember- Would she give herself like a dear Abby mask? Yes. Good meal ruined. And like I had just really mastered reading. So I read it myself.

Just in time to read it. And I'll never, I remember, Sincerely Good Meal Ruined, and it was the first time I ever felt deep, deep shame. I feel that right now. And then when I realized, and then so she leaves, we're all looking at this note, my grandpa goes, I guess I'm the one who farted and my mom's like no no it was and then and then I go so we really were

probably disgusting yeah so good mill ruined had some point like I a child sitting at the table. No, that's so far. And I remember we went to Disneyland after, because we're a Disney family. You got farts built up, might as well use them. It powers you into the park. Good Splash Mountain ruined.

And I remember like, and I know this is a real memory because no one's reminded me of this, I remember I had the napkin held in my hand the whole way to Disneyland. And I remember going up to a Disneyland trash can and ripping it open. Good. Yes.

Yes. And I sprouted boobs that day. Boing, boing. Do you think Disneyland got a little more toxic with that note now as part of its property? That's so fucked up. I became aware of that kind of, like, I, this is not like a deep shame, but I didn't, you know the idea of recess, the concept of recess?

I started becoming aware that like the teachers are,, it's like you were putting on a play of play and that started freaking me out. Right, right. You started being performative. Yeah. And playing with air quotes. I'm like if we, if they don't see us having a good time they may think we're sociopaths. Yeah, yeah. So that started freaking me out for many years that I was being watched playing. Right, right. I remember that. This was.

That would have never occurred to me. That's so funny. Yeah. I was always very aware of the audience. I thought it was because I took my dog to a play group. And I was like, and the dogs didn't, don't mind, but we're all kind of just watching. I would avert my gaze out of my experience, out of respect.

Yeah, just to make sure that your dog was actually playing and not commenting on the idea. Exactly. Yes, I get it. Yeah, I get it. Also birthdays, I'm embarrassed about birthdays. I feel birthday shame. Yeah, yeah.

That like, I don't want people knowing because everyone gets that same. Is it the age? That's a personality thing of like, you either feel that on your birthday or you don't. I think men's birthdays should be revoked after 30. Yeah. And our Instagram should be taken away.

I don't know at what age, but I think our Instagrams and birthdays need to be taken away. I think it should be an intimate thing, just to serve a few people surrounding you. Yes. That know about it. Because from doing the Conan show for so many years, there would be people in their 40s, in their 50s,

who would be like, not even approached, just Conan would walk in to do the warm up. And it'd be like, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY! And I just like, you are not a child. Right. You know what, it's, of course it's somebody's birthday today. Christ's sake, you know. At the same time though, I do get pissed if I see something scheduled,

like a furniture store putting a sale out for my birthday. I'm like, that's my fucking birthday. I don't want it acknowledged, but I want it acknowledged. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't bother me with it, but keep it in your mind. Would you rather they say this is in honor of his birthday? And to acknowledge that? I'd rather they didn't do anything on that. Were you born on Veterans Day?

January 29th, yeah. Veterans Day in my heart. Nice, exactly. Alright, let's go. By the way, 855-266-2604 is the phone number for you out there if you want to get in on this. Yeah, anybody. We've got another call coming in.

This is Brian in Chicago. How are you doing, Brian? Doing well. Andy, Chris, Rachel, Jeff in the audience, how are you? Oh, wow. Jesus. Hello, Senator Brian. God damn.

You're running for office, Brian? That's Chicago. I will try now. Thank you for the vote of confidence. Yeah, yeah. Well, and thank you for holding. What have you got for us there, Brian? I'll call in to tell you about an event that happened at one

of my best friend's wedding. He got married in Siesta Key, Florida. We're all from the Chicago suburbs. So we traveled down there. The wedding goes great. We're hot, well-fed, well-beveraged for a few days. On the last day that traveled down there, the wedding goes great, we're hot, well-fed, well-beveraged for a few days. On the last day that we're there the wedding party decides, let's go jet skiing! And this is not really my forte of things.

I'll warn you, I'm a big boy, horizontally challenged, feel at home amongst the manatees. But they decide to go and I'm worried about like weight limits and like if I fall off, do I have enough upper body strength to like pull myself back up? So all these anxious thoughts are going through my mind. So long story short, we get on the water and 15 minutes into our one hour ride,

I'm distracted, I miss a sign and all of a sudden I'm in sick seaweed. And I'm going and immediately the jet ski just, I start to try throttling, it's just puttering like a dying lawn mower. And then I remember the instructor told us what to do in this situation. He said, it's easy, you jump off the jet ski,

you reach into the engine, you pull out the seaweed, you get back on. Oh. And yeah, I was like, cool, great, I'll do that. Luckily, I had steered so far in, I was basically only in three feet deep of water. So I was able to jump off and stand. And I do all the things that he tells me to do. And I don't know if it's worked or not,

because I need to jump back on the jet ski, turn it back on to see if it happens. So I start pushing the jet ski like I'm pushing a car in neutral up a hill. I'm trying to gain some speed so I can kind of just, you know, jump back on the back and see what happens. Like Zorro. As I put my foot down to launch, I slice the bottom of my foot on a seashell and I get myself up and I'm like, oh man, worst if it's over, I just cut my foot, no big deal. Same noise again as soon as I hit that throttle. Nothing's happening.

Now that we are, I've made it 15 minutes out, I have been passed by everyone else in our party. They have gone all the way down the canal and back and I've realized I can only go about three miles an hour in idle All the way back to where I started In the best shape of their lives doing tricks and all this stuff on the jet skis are lapping me heading back to the gates I'm just the floating obstacle that everyone's got to get by then I finally get back to the dock as I see everyone standing in their life jackets, waiting for me to round the corner. And here I come in like the sad parade float that speaks its

way back. And the guy looks at me, the instructor, he's like, just don't even try, like just get off. And then he jumps in the water and tries parking this thing and he can't get it to throttle. He does the reach his hand in the engine trick, it doesn't work. So I'm watching him struggle feeling a little bit better about myself. And I know we signed papers saying that I was responsible for the damage, but I'm thinking, I'm not paying for a damn thing. This was the worst experience of my life. and luckily I never heard from that jet ski company again and at what point have you passed out due to blood loss from the seashell

injury story it wasn't as bad as I thought luckily I am a flat-footed bitch so that really really helped make sure it didn't get too deep. Oh no, no, we implied that, Brian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, I appreciate it. No, no, no, no, no. That's actually gonna be my campaign slogan. Flat-footed bitch. You know, there was so many thematic,

the motif of that, the seashell slicing your foot was a very Hans Christian Andersen little mermaid kind of a thing. And then the story itself is a bit of an ugly duckling, but instead of the ugly duckling, it's the idling jet skier, you know? And I think you come out on top in the end. You know, you didn't risk a serious injury by doing any of those stunts that everyone else was doing right you uh... is mostly a long study issue you uh... you showed up and i think you did the best of the group right now i don't know what none of

us want to see a group of guys doing well on jet skis but but but i think you are there are a lot of the right now i was in since they've gone at that point in the above and the bodily harm that that story was very final destination to me. You had to stick your hand in an engine. And then I found the underwater power line. Like I was trying to as as this story continued I pictured that there was a leg gone another leg gone like by the end of the story when I was picturing you, you were just a torso and a head sitting on a table somewhere.

Yeah. So I'm glad to hear that you're intact. It's a very Floridian safety guideline to shove your hand in a motor. What I was really trying to avoid is they gave us an emergency phone number to call to come get towed. And I'm like, the last thing I need is this well in shape jet ski guy to come tow me in front of my friends. Or would have been like no one's ever called this number. I've sat in this room for 45 years waiting for someone to call the jet ski number.

Will you marry me? I put the seaweed here to track people? You freed me from my magic lamp. I had I had a somewhat similar thing happen to me in La Jolla. We were in vacationing and there's an area in La Jolla shores where tons of people go out all

the time in the little kayaks. Oh, sure. You know, and you go out and you can see rays and there's lots of sea lions, you go by the rocks by La Jolla, you know, the town of La Jolla. And I went with my son and his friend, they were like 12, and as we were coming back in I started to really feel like, and I'm not a great swimmer and I do get nervous in the ocean because it can kill you. And I was coming back and I felt like my, I just was like, this kayak, I don't know

how people do this, it's so tipsy. And sure enough, like halfway back in, I tipped over,ipped over just like you know not even anything really happened and then I kept trying to get back on and I couldn't get back on and couldn't get back on and I look and I see in my my 12 year old son and his friends like face like real concern you know their father and friends father, like, oh, he's in real trouble out there. So then like, the two young women that are there, and they're in like a double one, they come over and try and help me get up on my canoe, and in the process, I dump them into the water.

And now... You're like a bucket bronco. Yeah, just like the humiliations just piling up Yeah, and I cannot get back on this on this kayak of mine So they're just like well, you're not that far from where you can just walk in So we'll just kind of push you in towards there And I was so apologetic to them about knocking him off theirs and they both went like it's okay. We needed to pee like, it's okay, we needed to pee. Oh!

So I was like, all right, I totally get that. I like the wee. Yeah, yeah. No, they both, I mean, they're really, I needed to pee and they're like, yeah, me too. They're symbiotic. Yeah, yeah, you did me a favor, because I'm working, I can't just jump off and take a leak.

Right. I get into the shallows and I'm pulling this kayak and it weighs like a thousand pounds. And when I get into the shore I realize, you know, they're like blow molded. They're like plastic kind of blow molded and there's a metal seal, like a metal disc that seals it. It's cracked! The fucking thing's... You were taking water. Yeah. And I mean, and like two guys from the company have to come and help

me drag it up because it's so heavy. And I just think there was no one to go like, see, it wasn't me. It wasn't me.'s impotence. His lack of levity. What was the term? The limp noodle? Noodle droop. Noodle droop. Yeah, I had aquatic noodle droop right there. Which is a new ramen you can buy for half price. We did a white water kayak. My dad was a a Yahoo and wanted us to do white water kayaking. And what stuck with me was the term wet exit.

And it's when you're, because you're wearing a skirt over the kayak. So it's like you're a centaur. You're one width the kayak. And to get out, when you tip over, and your head's getting dragged along the rocks, you have to take this skirt skirt I'm like in third grade to a wet exit in New Hampshire in libertarian country you're like attached

I try to use I try to drop the term wet exit once a week and people like what the hell are you talking about? We still got Brian. Looks like we're gonna have to have a wet exit. are you talking about? We still got Brian. Looks like we're going to have to have a wet exit. All right, well, Brian, thank you so much for calling. You're still there, right? Thank you.

I really appreciate it. Thanks, Brian. We missed you. Still there. Be careful. All right, 855-266-2604 is the number, if you've got a story you want to share. Next up we have Greg in Oregon, Oregon Greg hello.

Greg Hello how are you doing? Howard Glass Hi there Greg Thanks for having me out, Andy like you I have very unhairy legs. Howard Glass Thank you. The thing is though, I have... Yeah. I'm a member of a club. I think we should have club shirts and they say,

no, I don't shave down there. It's not a bad idea. I mean, I'm not gonna stop you from getting them made. I might. It's a little pricey to get merch made, but yeah. And you know what? There are times in the year where I will also wear that shirt. Like for instance, the winter time.

Alright, the club is chartered and I guess it is females as well as males, so we're good. So what do you got? Well, the earlier caller, Erica, talks about her shark episode. And you know, I have a, before I get into my story, if you don't mind, a literal take on the word shark. So I think it's a bit of a misnomer. You know, shark is shit and fart, right? That's right, yeah. Yes, thank you.

You know. We got shit and fart, right? In that order. That's right, yeah. Yes, thank you. You, you know. We got fucking Bill Nye here. You know. You're shit and you're fart, right? Right, right. In the natural order. That's right, yeah.

So I think it's a nice number, though. On the other hand, foop makes more sense. Wait, wait, say that again. What? Foop. Foop. Or like fit, say that again. What? Foo? FOOP! Or like fit, or like fit. FOOP is, we already think FOOPA with the FOOP.

There you go. FOOP. F-O-O-P. Oh, okay, okay. Like the gerund form of... Well Greg, it sounds like you got another t-shirt to make. To me. What story did you call in with? Well, you know, years ago I went in for a physical and at the time my doctor, she was

female, she was young, and she was attractive. Uh oh, okay. And I went into a physical, just showed up right, let the doctor do the work. And I didn't realize it would be a full physical until she put on a glove and dipped her finger in lube. Yeah. And then she inserted it and she wriggled around. And then she said, push against my finger.

And at that moment, I realized I had death. And if I pushed against her finger, I was going to fart on her finger pretty hard. And I just couldn't do it. Bit of a catch 22. I really wanted the exam, but, and so then again she says said push against my finger and I couldn't and a third time she said push against my finger and said I'm pushing.

She said push harder and I just couldn't bring myself to do it and she looked very disappointed in me. And finally she got frustrated and she gave up and she said well we'll just do it next time. And the next time I showed up it was a year later she said you know we're just going to do the PSA test this year. Oh and you had practice. I'm in practice here. I've been out for a while.

I had done my work out before that, David. All right. Well, I mean, I think you could have probably explained yourself. Say like, doctor, you're asking for trouble. I'm a little concerned that there's a doctor out there with a patient who seemingly couldn't do a pretty simple task like use their anal muscles to push it out and didn't think this person might have serious nerve paralysis so this might be the answer. I was like whatever we'll try it next year or you'll be dead. I mean I I've had doctors insert and I have never had one say give me instructions afterwards it was a pretty

you know silent exam whatever they're doing back there they do it which again not my business yeah whatever's going on down there right was this a real dot was it like in a casino or something okay yeah very very short outfit yeah my doctors don't even want to see me nude. They're like... That's enough. Yeah, I haven't taken it off for a doctor in a long time. So the idea of a lube... Did you walk in and you said her fingers were already lubed up?

She was licking her chops, right? Come on, buddy. let's see that. Two German Shepherds next to her. I try, my dermatologist every year I get that full body check and I feel like he has like a nurse in the room, but I feel like there was one year where he I don't know he barely had me drop my underwear and I was like I actually have like a pretty big freckle on my butthole do you need to see it and he was like no and he was like blushing he was like no I was like really cuz I cuz melanoma runs in my

family and I really I really think you should check out this butthole, Freckle. He was like, it's not your fire. Well, fine then. I was talking about that bean burrito I had before I came in. Yeah. Yeah. What did Greg say? He said something about a bean burrito that he had before he came in. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't need to show this. She's used to it. She went to medical school. She saw dead in. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you don't need to show that. She is used to it. She went to medical school. She saw dead people. Right, exactly. She knows how disgusting her workplace is. I actually had a doctor. When I started work on the Conan show,

it was the first time I'd had healthcare as an adult. And I had a lump on my testicle that I just was like convinced like, oh well, here we go, I'm dead. So when I did finally get after health care, I found a urologist, went in and made the appointment and I said, yeah, I have a lump on my testicle. And he said, okay. And I think I was in a gown. And he's like, just lay back on the table.

And like my knees were over the table. And I lift, he lifts up the gown. And then he grabs my testicle and like, as if he's a safe cracker. He chomps his face away. And he's feeling like, I forgot I'm out of mic. He's feeling my testicle. He's feeling my testicle and he goes,

Ah! There's nothing there. He was disappointed. He said like, what you're feeling is a normal piece of your anatomy. And I was like, you called me in to work for this? I was like, I don't think so. And then I have to grab my own nut and go like, oh, like, like right here, this right here. And he went, and he touched it.

And he went like, oh, well, it's very subtle. Holy shit. I've seen worse lums. Yeah. But he had to admit like, well, all right, yes, there is a lump that I didn't see. It's very subtle. Turned out to be a calcium buildup,

probably from a crotch shot in football. Oh. Yeah, yeah. It'll happen. Yeah, no, I know what those are like. Last time I had to wear a gown for the dermatologist's full thing, and I was in the waiting room in the gown for so long that I was moving around so much that I kept tearing it by accident and so there was a slit, the sluttiest slit.

It looked like I had done, and then off the shoulders. Making it eating wear away. Yeah, it was very night club like this. So she came in and I'm, It was this that was unforgivable. She was like... Yeah. Oh boy. All right, well, Greg, thank you so much for the call.

Thank you, Greg. Yes. Yep. Thanks for having me. Next time, push down. See what happens. Yeah, take the plunge. Good advice. Push down. You might just meet

the woman of your dreams. All right, thank you, Greg. Take the plug. You might just meet the woman of your dreams. All right. Thank you, Greg. All right. Do we have any more audience? Anybody in the audience? OK, right up here. Cody, can we get a mic up here?

Hi there. Hello. Go, Tony. My name is Crystal. Crystal, hi Crystal. Hi. Hi, I'm Crystal. She's a guy I should know.

I'm a big Dodgers fan. All handed out in Dodgers. Yeah, I'm a big Dodgers fan. Crystal. Hi Crystal. Hi. For those of you that don't know, she's all handed out in Dodgers. Yeah, I'm a big Dodgers fan. Crystal's also a pro. I can see by the way you tapped that mic when you got here. A little hot mic, hot mic. Before I share my embarrassing story, I just wanted to say thank you Rachel for creating the genius of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. Thank you Rachel.

I have to do the plug. We have also met before and it is nice to see you again. You're great. And thank you for doing this paid promotional. I'll Venmo you the 50. Thank you. I mean you didn't have to disclose that part. I thought we agreed. Anyways, yeah so it was my friend's bachelorette and we decided to do it at Universal Studios and Harry Potter World and so we're there and I'm still in my 20s at this point and I don't realize that I may be not as fit as I used to be and these are the shoes I was wearing. I was wearing these shoes that kind of have a little bit more of a width to it. I feel like I'm just making

excuses but basically we're standing in line and I needed more like sugar So I decided to step out of line so that I could go get I think like a Sprite or Coke sure sure and there's these Railings so I don't want to like backtrack all the way and like tell everyone excuse me excuse me excuse me So I decided that I'm going to climb over the railing So I climb over the railing. Are you in line for Forbidden Journey or Hagrid's Magic? The Hagrid roller coaster just to get a viz on this. It's okay keep going. Yeah. Or are you there for Dobby's colonoscopy? Dobby's colonoscopy. Push up. Anyways and so I'm trying to like step over this and

my foot gets caught and then I fall over and you would think like, okay sure let's get back up. I literally could not get back up. I actually got a little lightheaded and then this worker person proceeded to yell at me and say, you cannot be there and she just like kept yelling all the way from like, she felt very far away. Sounds like a real Slytherin. all the way from like, she fell very far away. Sounds like a real Slytherin. That's what I'm, you know, you know. So I'm, I'm laying there embarrassed because everyone's staring at me

while this worker is just yelling at me. This is not Disneyland, it's not the happiest place. Anyways, so she's just like walking over and I'm trying to tell, communicate to her like, no, I literally can't get up. But she just proceeds to yell, yell, yell, yell. And then finally she gets there, and then they have to bring a wheelchair while everyone's staring at me.

And then I go to like the medical office, and then this is my friend's bachelorette, but then throughout the whole thing, they're carrying, they're like, you know, pushing me around in a wheelchair. Do they maintain the theme in the medical office? Yeah. Oh, ho!

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And the ho! Yes. Yeah. And the nice thing is that we get to cut the lines. But you know they're fucking over it, so they're just like band-aids, neosporinists. Yeah, literally. And then like- Ad villas, take two.

Suave, cyberprofenists. And then when I got home, I still couldn't walk, so I had to like, my sister had to bring down a rolly chair and then like pick me up. Do you have a concussion? I don't know if I have a concussion, I got home, I still couldn't walk. So I had to like, my sister had to bring down a rolly chair and then like pick me up. What happened? Did you have a concussion? I don't know if I had a concussion. I just know, I think I like sprained my ankle.

So it got stuck and it twisted into the railing in an attempt to just like save some time. Was it hot too? Cause the heat can. It was hot and it was very hot. And we got to cut the line. So that was nice with the wheelchairs. And then I had to be in crutches for like two weeks and it was very embarrassing because

everyone kept asking me the story and this is probably the first time I publicly shared it like I should share with very few people because at that time I was still very embarrassed by my lack of physicality and so well I imagine there's a you're saying there's a line for rides that are seeing you kind of on the ground, just lying there. Yeah, no, I get that. That's very exposing. Yeah, yeah.

I would have thought it was an act, like an in-park actor who's like, Voldemort's got me! Who will save me? You little boy! Halloween nights have come early. Wave your wand, say Wingardium Leviosa! Like, that'd be magical.

That really would have been great. I do appreciate, though, that the bachelor party had to push you around in a wheelchair, which is sort of like the bachelor party version of wearing white to the wedding. Making it about you. You very keenly hold focus. It was her first time, it's like my tenth time there, I want to show them around, they're pushing me around. Couldn't even go to the bathroom,

like they have to like go in with me. Faster, faster! What I'm also picturing is like, at a Harry Potter, or Bachelorette party that you're wearing like penis necklaces. But it's all like Harry, so it's like a penis with a lightning bolt on it. And your shirt says like, Slytherin in the sheets, whore.

You call that a whore in the tower. I got a wand for you. All right, well Crystal, thank you so much. Thank you, Crystal. Hey, should I go to, oh okay, we're going, we're going, doing one more call here. Douglas? Hello, Douglas? We're going, we're going, doing one more call here. Douglas?

Hello, Douglas? Douglas, are you there? Can you hear me? Yeah, Douglas, are you there? I think I'm here. All right, hey, Douglas, calling from Texas. That's me. Yeah, you got Rachel, you got Chris, you got Andy.

Hello, Douglas. Andy, Rachel, Chris, great to speak with you guys. You too good to talk to you We're I'm gonna just dive into this because it's a it's an interesting one. All right I I played in a touring outlaw country band in my 20s. We can hear it Sure Doug is an outlaw name without a doubt. Oh, it's a joke about my time. Has Douglas come into the saloon? So we are playing a saloon, if you will, in Alpine, Texas, small town, in the desert.

So we get set up, soundcheck, everything goes great. New brewery in town starts explaining, we over overproofed some beer. So we have some hefeweizen that is 11% alcohol. We can't sell it. Do you guys want it? Country dance? Of course we want 11% beer. Yeah. Are we outlaws or are we? Exactly. Country dance of course we want 11% beer. Yeah

Exactly so I I proceed to drink about a gallon and a half This beer Oh Douglas, you know real measures beer in gallons We have a five-hour set this map Jesus Beer and gallons. We have a five hour set. Jesus. So it's pretty typical for us. Wow. We get about three three hours into it. And I realize I have to pee. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't just leave the stage. So I think well the stairs to the green room are behind the drummer. Oh. So I step behind the drummer and drop my pants to my ankles and proceed to pee into our luggage in the green room. Oh, you are an outlaw. I take it back. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, wow. I like to, I do like the choice of peeing little boy style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, wow. I like to, I do like the choice of being little boy style.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I still had to play bass. Right, exactly. Yeah, okay. Can the audience see you? Apparently. Wait, so you're playing bass while your pants are around your ankles and you're pissing while you're still holding down that baseline?

Yeah, downstairs, roots and fits all night. Wait a second, you dropped your pants to piss, you pissed in equipment and then you kept your pants down the rest of the night? Well, until they escorted me from the stage, yeah. Oh my god! So this was not just your secret? I thought it was. I thought the drummer might keep quiet about it, but... I like how of all the places to do it, you took it out on your own luggage.

You know, I was a little too far gone to worry too much about what was to stay on the stairs. All the heffa-vice and 11%. Do you remember it? Do you remember this? I remember most of it. I remember the smell in my cases for sure. That sounds like a scene from remember Crazy Heart that Jeff Bridges movie. It's a yeah additional scene scene where he knows where he knows he's got to clean up his act if he's going to be with Maggie Jill and all. Yeah, man. No, that's crazy.

Also, who's there for a five hour set? Anybody who could be out of the heat in Alpine, Texas in the summer. So it's it's like you play for an hour and you take a break. You play for an hour. It's like a cruise ship. About an hour and a half. break, you play for an hour. It's like a cruise ship. About an hour and a half, yeah, that sort of thing. Well, I hope you've sought out help. No, the band's still going.

Oh, really? The drinking is not. All right, well good. Well thank you so much, Douglas, for calling in. I like that story, Douglas. Yeah, it's a good one. I'm going to take that with me. Thanks for listening. Yeah. It's a good one. I'm gonna take that with me.

Thanks for listening. Yeah, yeah. It's got a real like rock and roll life on the road. I'm gonna take that with me when I go Douglas. Well just make sure to keep it in your pants when you do. Yeah, all right. Wow. All right guys, that's it for the calls and that's it for the show. We usually pick a story. for the calls and that's it for the show. We usually pick a story. Also Andy, real quick, Douglas talking about 11% beer like it's a moonshine. I know. It was a gallon. It was a gallon. It was a gallon. I guess that's the smallest unit of measurement. 11% is like a mimosa though, isn't it?

No, 11% is like, it's like kind of booze. Okay. What's whiskey? Yeah, it's like it's like whiskey. Oh, but it's like no. I think wine is like 12. Yeah, wine is like 11%. Wine is like 5%.

Yeah, but it's still it's only like 20%. It's not like 80, which is or it's 20 proof. It's different. Which is it? It's like, oh, is it? Yeah. Well, I still think I still think it's no excuse for pissing on a stick. I don't know what your deal is. How great if one of us during that story

just went in the corner? Oh, held on, Doug. All right, we usually pick a favorite story at this. I'll run them down for you. We've got the, the, the chart. Of course. Yeah, yeah. We've got the meat stick. The jet ski.

Of course. The unexpected physical exam. The Disneyland story. Mm-hmm. And, uh, which I just think of your are no yeah that was in Disneyland god damn it universal and and then and then put here outlaw country I don't know I I mean they're all really good yeah they're all really good I do like the shard at the dinner table oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

I'm pissing in guitar equipment and then playing the rest of a set with your dick and balls out that's my favorite you didn't get to do that. He said he was escorted out of the building. So I... That's a story. That's crazy. Yeah, yeah. And it took him ten minutes just because of the shuffling. You're out of here, shuffle, shuffle, and it took him 10 minutes just because the shuffling

You're out of here shuffle shuffle shuffle All right, well listen this has been a lot of fun Thank all of you for coming all of you people here in the audience. I hope you had a good time and and thank you Rachel Bloom, Chris Fleming. Thank you, Andy! Thank you, Andy! And I hope we get to do more of these in front of an audience. But I'll be back next Wednesday with the regular show. This has been the Andy Richter Call-In Show. We are out. Woo!

Great! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! We gotta take it to the top.