The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Riki Lindhome: Junior High Stories (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: April 25, 2025

Comedian and "Garfunkel and Oates" musician Riki Lindhome (Wednesday, Knives Out)joins the Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear your MUSICIAN/BAND STORIES! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share stories about middle-school courtship, passing notes, weird bullying, and much more. Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604. This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hi hi hi hi hi. Hello everybody. This is the Andy Richard Collins Show on Conan O'Brien Radio. Today we're talking junior high, a time I would love to forget. If you have a good junior high story, give us a call at 855-266-2604 and we will try and get you on the air. And I'm really excited because I have the other, last week Fred Armisen was here and I have another member of his household

or their household here. Ricky Lindholm is sitting in with me today. Hi. You know her from Wednesday, Another Period, The Bing Bang Theory, Knives Out, and your solo album, No Worries If Not, is out now and it's really, really funny. Thank you.

I really, I listened to it and it's really funny and very and very like pointedly true in many many ways, you know so much of it and so much of what I can relate to cuz I'm older than you but not that you know, like close enough that we're sort of in the same Existential neighborhood. Yes. Yeah. Yeah and We're like our bodies are failing a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's just things are kind of changing. Right, and yeah, and, but also too,

just wiser and like not as, not as, I don't know, but just not as nervous about shit. Like I'm like, oh yeah, things are okay. It'll be fine. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh man, I'm nervous about everything still. Are you still? oh yeah, things are okay. It'll be fine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm nervous about everything. Are you still? I think maybe not as much about parenting as I would have been if I was younger, but everything else I'm still like, I don't know when I'm going to stop being nervous. Yeah.

I don't know what's gonna happen. Well, some people are just kind of, you know, I mean, I do, I have anxiety, but it's a deeply buried anxiety. That's good. Yeah. I think, I have anxiety, but it's a deeply buried anxiety. That's good. Yeah, I think, I don't know if that's just something I learned a million years ago, or if it's just a character trait of mine.

But, you know, I'm, and it's not, it's not a, like a hereditary trait, because the anxiety levels in my family vary widely. You know, like from person to person. One of them's pretty cool. And then the next one is a maniac. Do you still get nervous going on stage? It depends on the context.

You know, doing like pure improv scene work, that makes me nervous. Yeah. But going out to just like shoot the breeze and be funny in conversation, that I'm like, oh yeah, okay. Oh, that's good. Yeah, and it's just cause I've been on a talk show for a zillion years.

Right. You know, it's like. That'd be weird if you're like, can I do it? Right, right. Can I cut it? Yeah, and I mean, and also to now podcasting, like interviewing people. It's like now, like having a conversation

that's meant to be entertaining and worth people's time. I'm kind of like, oh yeah, I can do that. You can do that. That makes sense. So how are you? I'm good. I still get nervous when I, I've only been doing solo stuff like a year and a half.

So I still feel very new to that. And I still get get like it ruins my day whenever I have a show a show I'm nervous all day long. I can't really eat. Is it just because you're up there alone. You think yeah I'm used to having someone next to me. It's just so much more vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm getting past it's getting better, right? Well, you just need to let your rock star ego Turn you into a monster. I don't know where to get one of those. I really wish I had one. I have thought about this forever.

I was like, how do I get like a big, it just is so useful in show business to have a big ego and I can't seem to craft it. Well, once you know how just unappealing and unattractive and inelegant it is to be an asshole that doesn't give a shit about other people. It's hard to fake it, you know?

Yes. I would just feel bad all the time. Totally. And I have times where I like stood up for myself and I was like, and then it like always comes back to haunt me because people don't expect that from me. So they're like, well, you should just quit then. And I'm like, oh, they're like, no, you're not allowed.

You are not allowed to have boundaries. Oh, that's, that's, see, that's wrong. Yeah. That's terrible. Cause there definitely is, I mean, I, I, I'm not a pushover and you definitely do is, and I'm sure you've learned the power of saying no to things as time has gone on.

Cause when you, when you start out, you're like, whatever you want, sure, okay. I'm 21, I'll play the DA. Yeah, or I'm so happy to be here that like, all right, I guess I'll, you know, I don't know, wait 10 hours while you figure out what you're doing, you know, or things like that. And then after a while, you're like, nah, no.

I'm good. Yeah. I'm good, yes. I'm not gonna wish the president of the network a happy birthday and sing a song to her just because I want this pilot picked up. That seems gross. Yeah, I don't wanna do that. Agreed, agreed.

Are you touring a lot? Yeah, a little bit. I was in- A little three-year-old at home. I know, that's the hard part. I was in Texas last weekend and in New York before, but it looks like I'm gonna do a longer run in DC coming up, and so I'll bring him with me. I didn't take him, for the two-day trip, I didn't take him,

and he was very upset, and so I'm like, I'm gonna do like a longer run and bring him with me, so that'll be fun. They, those little kids, they really love mommy. They do, and have big feelings about it. Oh, mommy. Big feelings. And writing this album, there's so much

because you had this baby on your own and just sort of, which honestly, this is very parallel to my life because I am married to a single mother who, you know, and she had a baby before I met her. And when we started dating, that was, you know, and she had a baby before I met her. And when we started dating, that was, you know, part of the package. And the same happened with you and Fred.

I mean, you kind of... Except we started dating two weeks before the baby was born. The baby came, which is like... So it was like, it was part of the package, but it was also not there yet. So it was a... It wasn't like a soft intro.

It was like, well, let's see what happens. Yeah, yeah. And we talked about it before, and it kind of, you know, you had to give him like the look, you're free to go. Absolutely. I just want the truth. I don't want a fate, like I don't want a fate, like I don't need anyone. I want you, but I don't need you.

And you don't owe me anything. Cause we kissed once. You don't owe me a life with my child. Like this is real casual. You're not a jerk. Just tell me how you feel. That's wonderful. I mean, I'm glad to hear it.

That he finally is thinking of someone other than himself. I know. Well, he's so unrattled. He's like, okay. Like I was like, do you, are you- Do you can see what this means? Right. Do you ever like wake up like, okay. I was like, are you? Do you conceive what this means? Right, do you ever wake up like, what?

I got married and have a child. And he's like, yeah, it's great. I'm like, okay, cool. Yeah, he's very unflappable that way. And I'm the flappable one. I'm always like, I'm so nervous. And he's like, he just can't relate. Leaving him home, is he home alone with the baby?

Yeah. A fair amount? And that's, is he home alone with the baby? Yeah. A fair amount? And that's, you never had any worries about that? No. Oh, okay. No, no. We had a lucky thing. He had experience with childcare?

None at all. Oh, wow. And we had a lucky thing, lucky, I guess. I got like, kind of like the worst flu in the world when my son was about three months old. Like I was in bed for almost three weeks. It was like, it just took me down. It was like the mom exhaustion

that I thought I could do everything and I couldn't and my body kind of shut. And so I was in bed for like two or three weeks and he just had to, you know, figure it out. And he did. And then that kind of- Oh, that was probably good then. It was great.

It was great. Cause it was, you know, I was in the next room, but he had to, he had to- Honey, where are the diapers? Right. Yeah, yeah. Because it was, you know, I was in the next room, but he had to, he had to. Honey, where are the diapers? Right. Yeah, yeah. In the diaper pail. Yeah, that's great.

That's great. Well, we're talking junior high stories today. Oh, junior high. What was that? Now, I can't remember where you're from originally. So I'm from near Buffalo. It's like two hours south of Buffalo. It's a tiny, tiny town of like a thousand people.

Yeah. And I was five, 10 in eighth grade. Yeah. So I was like very conspicuous. Were you the tall girl? Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes, there was not two.

That was, cause it was a small town. Yeah, right, exactly. So it'd be weird if there were two. No, we had, yeah, we, I'd say every class in our town probably had the tall girl. The tall girl, yeah, that was me. And then I was sort of like on the, the periphery of the cool kids.

I wasn't in it, I was kind of on the periphery. And with girls, it's just psychological warfare. And if you're like one of these like satellite people, like you're gonna get taken down at some point. And then they like forgive you and bring you back. But it was like, mine was so, like it's just it's just the the calculate like when I when everyone decided they were mad at me they decided they were gonna be mad at me at lunch and they decided the night before so all the girls like all morning they're talking to me it's great you

know these are all my friends. Is this a calculated plan that they came up with? Yes oh my god no junior high girls are so calculated. Was there a reason? It was a calculated plan that they came up with? Yes, oh my God, no, junior high girls are so, so they- Was there a reason? No, it was because I was annoying. Oh. So there's always a-

Well, you know. I know, I know, it's true. Come on. That's true. But they decided, and so all morning, we were in class, they were nice to me, we were all good, we were in line at lunch, and I sit down at our usual table,

and they all got up and moved to another table. And I thought something was, I was like, oh, where are we going? And I like, and I sat down and then I just remember this kid goes, they're moving because they don't wanna sit with you. And I was like, what, when did this happen? And then they were just gone and I was like,

oh my God, and it was like a month of like, iced out. Yeah, yeah. Where I was like, whoa. And I was just plotting my revenge in my room at night, just crying and be like, I'm gonna, and then I didn't get any revenge. Right, right. Yeah. And did they just eventually let the

anti-Ricky campaign drop? Yeah, cause it gets boring. It gets old. Like if you just like lay down and like, go, okay, go, wait till this over. And then they were like, we forgive you, like for whatever I did wrong. And I'm like, okay.

Like, but then I never really liked them after that. And I just kind of found new friends. Now, are these like normal kids and this is a normal thing that, especially, and I do think it's different. Girls, I've often said, cause I have, my older kids are a boy and a girl and I say, girls are computers and boys are hammers.

Yes, yes. And that, and I don't mean that to be insulting in either way, it's just- It's just true. my observation as a parent and as seeing other kids around me. Yes, well there's the adage, boys break stuff, girls break you. Which is also true.

That's another good one. But are these normal? Totally. Or is this just like something, so this just like crazy bananas cruelty. Yeah. It's just something girls go through. It's just normal.

Like these aren't fucked up kids that come from awful homes. No, this was like, I was like the fifth one to get it. And then it was like, and I had this whole plan in my head where I was like, I literally started reading like self-help books and stuff during this time. And I was like, I'm gonna, you know, and the revenge that I had plotted in my head,

because there was kind of these two main girls, is that I was gonna forgive one of them and not the other one, and then like, cause this rift and whatever. And then I was just like, but by the time it was done, I just didn't really like either of them. And I was like, oh, I think I'm actually fine. And I just like, like made friends

with some of the other peripheral people that had been ousted. And I was like, oh, I like these people. And then that was, those were my friends. I always found junior high to be that interesting time. And I got to see it again with my older kids of where when you're in grade school, you're all just kids or something.

And then it's junior high, you start to realize, oh, that kid will eventually be like what we called a burnout. Oh, yep, yep. Like, you know, that kid is gonna like do donuts in the parking lot. And this kid over here, you know, like, he's probably gay. You know, and all these- And this kid's gonna run his dad's company.

Yeah. Yeah. And they just, you start, it's when you start to see the actual- They crystallize. Yeah, you start to see the actual formation of aize. Yeah, you start to see the actual formation of a real separate personality and what they're going to be. Cause like when they're little kids, you don't know, you know, they're just little kids.

Yeah, they're just, yeah, my son's in preschool and it's just, they're all kind of... Yeah, they're all kind of the same. Yeah, there's some more like showboaty kids and shyer kids and stuff, but as far as like, that's kind of the only difference. It's also just the worst time too, just in terms of the awkward transition from childhood to

kind of adulthood. Oh my God, but thank God there was no internet. Thank God. It would have been like the most vicious online stuff. I bought, and it was in, I think, eighth grade. I went to Berman's Leather Experts. As you do. I bought, and it was in, I think, eighth grade. I went to Berman's Leather Experts. As you do. Yeah, and I bought a leather motorcycle jacket.

Not the Fonzie kind, more like the, you know, fast European race kind of motorcycle jacket. Oh no. And I wore it, I tried it on in the store and I used my own money, tried it on in the store and was like, yeah, I'm gonna do it. And wore it home, family was supportive, but then like it took me a couple days to go like,

I'm gonna wear it to school. Even though I was like, no, it's fine, it'll be fine. And I just, kids just didn't buy it. They're just like, what are you doing? They're like, that's not you, man. Yeah, that is not you. We see you. We see to the core of you.

You are not cool. I tried to wear a hat once, I remember. It did not go well. I was like, oh yeah, they're right. But that was like, they're right, I'm not, I can't pull this off. Yeah, but it is, but also like, who can't, what are the stakes? Let me just wear the jacket and shut up. Yeah, but it is, but also like who can't, what are the stakes?

Let me just wear the jacket and shut up. Yeah, let me wear it. They're like, no, they're like, no. Have you seen Real Housewives? Salt Lake City only. Oh, it's the best. But Salt Lake City is exactly like what it's like to be a junior high girl.

Yeah. They just reverse, so it's like who's in, who's out. And then when they see a weakness, everyone jumps out of it. Like did you see this last season where they like caught that woman like taping them in the car? And everyone, like they see the opening, that's what it's like. It's the same.

Yeah, and well they did have a, they do have a point, and there is the point of like, yes of course we tear each other apart, but we don't, you know, we don't rat each other out to outsiders. Right. You know, it's like, yes, of course we tear each other apart, but we don't, you know, we don't rat each other out to outsiders. Right. You know, it's like, well, yeah,

but is that really that different, you know? It's totally, but they, you don't tell the teacher, you tear each other apart. Yeah, that's true. It's the exact same. Snitches get stitches. They do. And the meanest person wins. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Or goes to jail in the terms of Salt Lake City. Sure, yes, yeah. Anyway, that's your recommendation, folks. And I have watched no other ones. It's so good. Salt Lake City is so good. My son and older kids both said,

you gotta watch Salt Lake City. And I was like, oh, okay. I mean, the finale of season two, or the Monica season was one of the best episodes I've ever seen. Yeah, I don't like, oh, okay. I mean, the finale of season two, or the Monica season, was one of the best episodes I've ever seen. Yeah, yeah. The one where they find out that she's the, yeah. We burned through them all and it was just,

oh, it's really good. It's so good. And then we kind of dipped our toe into other ones and like, no, no, no, let's just keep our SLC experience pure. Yes, yes. Let's go keep our SLC. Right. It's very pure. Yes. Yes. Let's go to the phones, hear from about other people's junior high experiences. We're going to Florida. Always good stuff happening down there.

And are you there? Yes. And I'm not. I'm in Florida, but I'm not a Floridian. So no. Are you just on the lam? Kind of, yeah. That's a good place for crazy people to go. So let me preface this by saying two things. One, I had very low self-confidence

in myself in junior high. So I, that's why I was not confident. Honey, that's everybody. Yeah, and you know, very, I've always been like paranoid, like my parents were supporters, so I always thought, oh, people are making fun of me. And the second thing is I had just watched that Charlie Brown where he loved the little redhead girl,

so that's where I got this mean thing. So I'm in math class and this boy is writing a note and I, you know, he's a couple of rows over and he, you know, makes a big deal folding it up and passing it over. But I think he's probably just telling the guy next to him, you know, pass this over to her. But I see him talking to another guy and then another guy. And so I get this two page note and I open it up and it says, Oh, you know, I have a huge question. Actually said, I love you and I, I love your body.

And I think you're so cute and I really wanna go out with you. And I didn't finish reading past that. I held it up. I poured into a whole bunch of pieces. I scribbled something down. I walked to the garbage can, threw it away and threw a little note on his desk that said,

forget it kid. Which is so freaking cool. Wow, forget it kid. Like your Humphrey Bogart. Charlie Brown show and that Charlie Brown movie. Everyone said, forget it kid. When he likes a little redhead girl. And I don't know why that popped in my fricking head. And I liked this kid. He was super nice. He was cute, but I thought he was making fun of me. I thought, you know what I mean? Like I thought, Oh, it's a joke. He can't really like me and he hangs out with these semi cool kids.

Like not the cool, but you know what I mean? Like he can't possibly mean this. It's a joke. And I felt so horrible that he would make fun of me that that's what I did. And then immediately like within a week realized, well, I'm, I'm an asshole, you know, are you sure he wasn't making fun of you? Are you positive? Oh yeah. Cause he'd always been really nice to me. Really good guy. Like super great guy.

It's been 48 years and I feel terrible. And I did see him. He's a bartender. Well, I don't know what he's now But I saw him like 20 some years after that and he was really nice to me and I just couldn't I couldn't bring it up I just couldn't be like, oh you didn't bring it up. No, but see then you would have unburdened yourself Yeah, but I probably been like, yeah, we were all idiots. We're all men. Or he could have said, yeah, that was a joke. And then you would have felt so much better. He could have said, that's why I didn't go to med school. No, so I feel terrible still to this day, but you know.

Did he in school, like, so you, did you like just avoid him then while you were in school with him? I don't know. Everything just went back to normal. Yeah. He would just say hi to me. He was very polite.

Like I said, he was always a really nice guy. I guess it was just seeing him talk to another guy and then another guy and then hand it to me. I feel bad. I regret to this day though, that I didn't read the full two pages. What an idiot. You know, the thing is though, is that at that age,

you're so, so, so self-conscious and so, so sure that you're gonna fuck up, that you're gonna open your mouth and something dumb's gonna come out, or that everyone's gonna confirm your suspicion that you're a loser and everyone thinks of you as a loser. That when somebody gives you a compliment, you've got this like sea wall built

holding back all this self-loathing, that it's like one nice little note, it's hard for it to overcome how shitty you talk to yourself when you're 12 or 13 or 14. And also if it was two pages, I do wonder if it was, I still, maybe it wasn't real. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe it was a bunch of guys getting together. I don't know, boy, you know what? Maybe I should tell myself that so I feel better, cause the guilt. Did you clock his reaction in class? What did he do in class? Oh, he looked like somebody who got a note that said, forget it kid. It looked like I, I mean, I still, like I,

anyone I've ever was mean to in junior high or high school, I've apologized to, like I wasn't a bully or anything, but there's like maybe three people and I've, even grade school, all together, maybe three. And I've apologized to them and, you know, said, hey, you know, that was kind of crappy of me to take that giant person's side because I was the little person in school, just because I don't want to get beat up too. But him, I just couldn't bring it up. Yeah. Although it is nice that you remember the things,

I feel like people all have this amnesia. Like every celebrity in every interview is like, I was bullied. And it's like, did you never, you were never a jerk ever once? Like no one's ever mentioned that they did something like that. When I'm like, I think everyone's kind of a jerk.

Everyone has total amnesia about times they were mean. Yes. Oh no, I still remember. I still hold memories of like times when I, and usually it was like trying to be funny and was just so fucking mean to somebody or like sort of experimenting with being high status and intimidating, you know, like dabbling in bullying. sort of experimenting with being high status and intimidating, like dabbling and bullying, just a tiny bit for just a moment.

And every time I did it, which is like twice, I still remember and I'm like, just feel awful. Just still feel awful about it. I was really good at giving people devastating nicknames. And I knew I had this thing. You can be president. I know, and I was really good at it. And I did it a couple times,

and then I was like, I can't keep doing this. And then I just would think of it in my head, and I would laugh to myself, and then I would leave it alone. I need to channel this energy into dirty songs. Yes, exactly. I need to take this somewhere else, because it was really mean.

No, I'm not a good person. I saw the movie Flatliners with Julia Roberts, scared the crap out of me, so I apologize to everyone I ever wronged. That's why. I'm not a good person. I just, all right, thanks. No, you're a very good person,

especially in Florida. That's a very low person, especially in Florida. That's a very low bar there, so it's easy to be good. I'm leaving Florida very shortly. No, no, no, no. All right. Thank you. Well, thanks for the call.

Have a good one. Bye. All right, bye-bye. 855-266-2604, Talking Junior High. Here with Ricky Lindholm. Got a new album out, No Worries If Not,4, Talking Junior High, I'm here with Ricky Lindholm, got a new album out, No Worries If Not, which by the way, when I got the text with the album, I truly did, like, I was like, well, does, and I even,

I mean, after I figured it out, I joked with my producer and said like, well, do you want me to listen or not? No worries, because it was like, here's her album, no worries if not. That's how I named it. I'm just like, here's her album. No worries if not. That's how I named it. I'm just like, yeah, it's not for everyone. Right. I'm like, it's okay if you don't like it. It's like, there's a lot of very specific content. Still listen to this. Yeah. I'm like, I'm okay either way, basically. I'm like, I get it.

It's really funny. And you have live tour dates at RickyLintome.com. I'm going to say that at the end too, but it was right there in front of me. Thank you. Let's talk to Gray from Dallas. Hello. Is it Gray? Yeah, Gray like the color, that's me. Yeah, hi Gray, how are you? I'm doing well, how are you guys doing? Good, good.

Ricky and I are here willing to listen to your shame. Oh no, well, I mean, it's a sad story. I don't know if I have shame. Well, that's all right. Sadness is great too. Love it. All right, let's all feel sad together, ready? Okay, good, cool.

You know, take you back to it. And your name is Gray. Yeah, like the, right? It fits. Yeah, you could, you're not gonna have a happy story when your name is Gray. Right, it's my lot in life. story when your name is Gray?

Right. It's my lot in life. So 1990 East Texas small town, there was a girl who had just moved to my school. Her name was Jamie Williams and she had red curly hair and she played flute in the band and this was the first girl that I got like, you know, shaky in the knees around trying to be cool. first girl that I got like, you know, shaking the knees around trying to be cool. Um, had to work up the nerve to ask her to homecoming. And, um, at the homecoming game,

she tells me that she has to leave the game early because she has to move to another city. And so I'm less there at the homecoming game, uh, as she leaves and, leaves and never saw her again. Oh, I thought you were going to say, and she like went with someone else to the dance. I was like, like she gave like a terrible excuse and she was just a bad liar. Wow. No, it's a bummer of a story.

Yeah, I never saw her again. Literally one of those deals where you work up the courage and you feel this great reward and you're excited and you go to the game and she left at the game. And that was the last I saw her. Moving that quick makes me wonder what was going on with her family. Yeah, yeah.

Something's up. Yeah, and also that like, we're gonna move, we're gonna move in the middle of the football. Yes. Just so you know, honey, it's 7 p.m. That's when the sheriff is showing up. So by six, we gotta go. Yeah, what was, and she's like a hard,

that's a hard name to Google too. So have you looked her up or no? Are you kidding? Yeah, ever since the internet became a thing, I was like looking for her, trying to, you know, internet sleuth my way and way before Google, way before all that stuff and just couldn't ever find, and yeah, it's a very difficult thing.

She might have had a fake name. There might have been something going on. Yeah, yeah. What if that happened? Who knows? Yeah. So you've never found any evidence of her? No evidence, no.

I mean, I know she existed. I have a yearbook and there's a photo of her, but yeah, no, I... Because I was gonna say, you might have been in love with a ghost. This is true. Like none of my, or it's like a fight club situation where I just imagined her the whole time.

Right, exactly. She was the facet of you that you were trying to love. So when's the next time you were able to like, ask someone out? Was it like forever after that? Or were you right back in the house? Probably like, I was like eighth grade.

So I think maybe like summer after that or were you? Probably like, I was like eighth grade so I think maybe like summer after that or so. I mean, I definitely was not in a hurry. It's like, you know, I took all this courage to work up to like ask this girl out and then she like vanishes on me. So I think it took me a while to get the courage up again. God, I, aside from dances, I don't think I asked anybody on a date till I was 22.

Yeah. Practically. I definitely didn't. Yeah. People asked me on dates, but I didn't. Yeah, yeah. At all. I had, there was such a mountain of self-loathing for me to climb to get to the other side of

being like, you want to have lunch? I just, you know, it know, it took a long time. I had a weird thing where I looked a lot older, because I was like five, 10, when I was like 13, I would get asked out, I wouldn't quite understand what was going on, because like 18 year olds would think I was their age, or they would like, yeah, and then once I realized what was happening,

I was like, oh, weird, because I like just thought of them as adults, like I wasn't, I was into like my short junior high classmates. Yeah, yeah, what are you talking about? Why would we have dinner? Yeah, yeah. I'd be just like, I don't understand. The, one of my favorite stories ever,

the wrestler, the big show, who is, I don't know, six foot eight and just really huge. And actually had whatever the glandular thing that causes gigantism, he had that, but then it was stopped at a certain point through some sort of treatment. But he was like six foot two in eighth grade

or something like that. And his, in his hometown, his first kiss behind the bowling alley, he got arrested. They thought he was molesting. No! They put him in cuffs. Oh, God. And threw him in the back of a cop car.

And he was like, he was like crying. Why are you kissing this 12 year old? He's like, I'm 12. He's like, I'm 13! And, but, and then the even better part of the story is that his mom was so pissed, she ran for sheriff and won. Oh! She's like, how dare you? Yeah Oh yeah she's like how dare you.

Yeah she's like how dare you be so cruel to my son but just picturing poor big show. Oh getting arrested must be so traumatic. Oh my and for your first kiss you know. He probably has a handcuff fetish now. I would totally watch that origin story. I'm a big fan, big fan of Garfunkel and everything you do. You guys are wonderful. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Gray. Thanks for the call. Yeah, no worries. You guys have a great day. All right. Now we're going to Baltimore. Balmer. Joe from Balmer.

Hey. How are you doing? I'm doing great. How are you guys doing? Good. good. I'm super nervous. I've never ever called into something to try to tell a coherent story. Well, this is probably the most high pressure call-in show you could call. There's at least 300 people listening. So what's your story? What was your... are you the bully or the bully or bully?

Bullied. Bullied. I am the bullied. Okay. Okay. So, uh, I got halfway through seventh grade, I got kicked out of Catholic school. Um, there was a nun I didn't get along with. There was a nun I didn't get along with, Sister Alice. I don't even remember. But I think I was a smart ass.

I got undernursed. Anyway, so. But just, so it was just back sass. It was, there was, and that could get you thrown out? You were annoying, like me. Yeah, I mean, yeah, they were strict. They were strict. And the nuns were always on power trips. Right. Anyway, so now I get I get I get ripped out of Catholic school

and I get dropped. I get dropped into Oneida Junior High in Schenectady, New York, OK, which which if you ever saw the TV show Oz on HBO, oh, no, it was about prison. Oh, no, I had a very prison vibe. If you ever saw the TV show Oz on HBO, it was about prison. Oneida had a very prison vibe. Okay. There were, there were a lot of kids from the projects and they were just like, there were a lot of tough kids and I was not a tough kid. My first day,

my first day I'm in gym class. So many kids were sitting in rows on the basketball court waiting. And I've never even taken a gym class in Catholic school. You just, you know, you just kept your uniform on and ran around in the, in the lot. You know, it's like you didn't, they didn't have gym. So I'm in gym class wearing what I thought were correct gym clothes, which was a pair of white 70s style gym shorts with red piping and blue argyle socks that went up to my knees. Those, that would be cute now.

It would be cute. Well, it immediately made me a target. The apex predator at Oneida, it turned out, saw me and, and he, and he says, you know, Hey kid, you, the socks. And I immediately know I'm, I'm, I'm in trouble. And I say yes. And then he says, do you know, and I'm not going to say a real name real name but you know let's call her Susie Catholic schoolgirl so do you know Susie and I'm like I I do because I because I went to school with her you know he knew that I was from st. John's and I went to school with her and then the next the next question sealed my fate he said you think she's pretty no good answer. And she was very pretty.

And I said, uh, yes? And he said, you're fucking dead! I'm gonna fucking kill you after school. So now I'm dead. Oh no. Gym class happened. Is it his sister, his girlfriend, both? It's his girlfriend.

Okay. Yeah, it's his girlfriend. OK. Yeah, it's his girlfriend. And if you had said no, he would have been like, you're dead. She's my girlfriend. Right. Yeah. That hag.

Holy. So anyway, after school. No, after gym class. So gym class. Oh. So gym class, I go into the shower. You know, the coach is like, all right, all right, you guys go, go hit the showers. You got 10 minutes. Can you believe you have to shower at school? That's crazy.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, but what I didn't know was that nobody took a shower at gym in Oneida because if you did, again you were you were a target. You'd get horribly abused. You'd get horribly abused, you would be called the other f-word, many many things would happen to you. I come back from my shower, I am damp and naked holding my towel, I'm opening my locker and this fully clothed. Wait, you don't have your towel wrapped around you, you're just

naked holding your towel? I admire that bravery. That's wild to me. Well, I didn't know, I mean, I'd never experienced any of this stuff. I didn't know. Yeah, yeah. It was your first day in the yard.

My first day in the yard and I was the new fish. I was in big trouble. I'm opening my locker in this kid, Ricky, who is another bully, lower tier bully, except I was, I was a tall kid. I was tall and skinny and this kid Ricky is like, you know, comes up to my like, you know you know shower F-word blah blah blah and And he swings at me and he and he and he punches me and I put my hand on his head And I'm holding my towel

And I got my hand on his head and now it looks like a fucking cartoon because I were just remember him windmilling To try to hit me but because my arm was like so long compared to his reach he was... He couldn't connect. Right so so... And you're naked. I'm naked I'm holding my towel in front of my junk and then... I just think it's such a crazy baller move to just walk around holding a towel in junior high. Who's the new guy? I could never have. And I think what's going unspoken here

is already had pubes. Oh yeah. See that's probably a pubes. If you were an early adapter or adopter of pubes. You could walk around. I guess adopter, you didn't really adopt them. If you had pubes, yeah, you gotta show them off. Yep, yep.

I remember going into, and I don't remember which grade it was when we had to shower at gym, absolutely petrified that I wasn't gonna have pubes. And then one night before going to bed, standing and just by the bedside light, like looking and being like, they're like three pews. I was like, oh my God, thank God.

Cause it was still a few months away. I was like, oh my God, thank God there's gonna be some hair. It was still awful having to take your, be nude in front of all these little kids that you've grown up with. But anyway, I'm sorry, that's about me, Joe. So you're nude, you have your arm outstretched, he's pinwheeling, and so far this is a Pornhub search.

Yes. You know? Waiting to happen. Yeah, so what was the conclusion? What happened? Well, I just, out of desperation, I slapped him in the face. Wow. And then, and then I, and he's still trying to get at me and I slapped him again.

And then I just had this memory of me leaning, like pushing my butt back because I wanted to keep my junk away from him. Yeah. I'm bending over and it's just like this and I'm holding him off and then, you know, the coach, the coach walks into the locker room and was like, all right, you guys quit, quit playing grab ass. You know, so that was it. It was over and like, um, technically I won, but, but he was such a low grade opponent, I got no status in school for the confrontation.

Yeah. And then. Well, I hope you learned your lesson about Argyle socks. Yeah. I sure did. Okay. And then I still had the other thing hanging over my head. Oh, right. But he forgot about me. I was like, I spent the rest of the day sweating, And then and then I still had the other thing hanging over my head

But but he forgot about me I was like I was like I spent the rest of the day sweating getting my ass kicked You know having another fight getting my ass kicked fully clothed and that didn't happen You know what honestly he probably became aware of the fact that you fought back and that was enough to be like Yeah, I'm gonna let it go. Not worth it. Yeah, yeah. The bully, the bully hotline. Yeah, this guy's walking around naked, holding his towel, slapping people in the face. Brave enough to be nude and to wear argyle socks to gym class.

And slap this guy in the face multiple times. This Joe is no one to mess with. Slapping is such a specific move too, rather than punching. Like if he's punching you and you just like slap him. There's actually two, and I just know this from friends of mine from the South Side of Chicago,

where punching each other is just another form of communication. You know, like in any situation, you could say this, say that, or punch them in the face. And that you get in less trouble if you hit somebody with an open hand than a closed hand. That like slapping someone really hard is like a judge will just be get out of here.

But if you punch them hard, then you might be put in jail for a little bit. Wow. Really weird, yeah. I guess you could break more bones. So tip for all you bit. Wow. Really weird, yeah. I guess it, yeah, I guess you could break more books. So a tip for all you kids out there. Yep. Hit them open-handed.

All right, Joe. Well, I hope it's better now. I'm better now, yeah, thank you. Good. Well, you did great on your first call in radio show call. Well, thank you, thank you both. All right, right thanks Joe.

855-266-2604 let's go. Mark from San Jose. Hey Andy, hi Bridgy, how are you all doing? Great, how are you doing? I'm doing pretty good. I'm sitting in my hotel room taking it easy for a while. Oh nice, you're in your hotel room in San Jose? Yep, yep, in a extended stay hotel for a little while. So taking a nice long break. Okay, and where is that where you live? Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I was gonna tell you about, I came from a military family and we went all over the United States and everything. I went to school in several different states and in Hawaii the weirdest thing happening to happen was going on with the guys and only in Hawaii because it being in all the other states I never saw it any place else but and it's kind of kind of gross for anybody else except for guys. But it was a guy's thing that you would walk up to.

And this is during recess, of course. We're standing around in groups, chatting or so too. And all of a sudden, one of the guys would walk up to you and open-handed hit you in the balls while saying, punch me. And we were saying- Wait, open handed kick? What do you mean an open handed kick? No, no, he said hit.

Oh, I think he said open handed kick. Like basically, like a slap in the balls basically. Yeah, exactly right. And what was the words that they used? They used the word with punch meat. In other words, punch meat. Meat was the guy's balls in those days. That was the next step for the 60s.

This was like the next big thing. They still give me that today in many cases. Yeah, that was one of the, I guess, more uglier things that was on there when I was in junior high. And it was the strangest thing that would just happen. But it was a code of honor for the guys never to show anything more than, you know, still bending over in pain. You never fell to the ground. You never cried.

You never screamed. You never, you act like it was a manly thing to take a punch in the balls and walk away, you know, and there were no societal consequences to that condition behavior. There was no anger residuals. There's no wars. There's no, no, no, it was, there's no wars, there's no... No, no it was... Nothing ever happened from suppressing your feelings.

Yeah, yeah, exactly right. That was, and of course this is the 1960s, time of Kennedy and everything, when everybody's, you know, being American, we have the astronauts in space, you know, we're American or so too, we're growing up kids or so, but it only happened in Hawaii, because I had just come from my one year of school in California and went from there to two years to four years in Illinois. So like I say, it was the oddest thing that this would happen.

But- And were you subjected to this? Oh yeah, everybody, it happened to everybody. And it would happen because the guy would walk up to you, you weren't realizing he was heading towards you because you were talking to somebody else. They're always to somebody who was talking to somebody else in conversation and all of a sudden, right in the balls.

So you just never felt physically safe and you couldn't show any emotion about it. That sounds great. Exactly right. But just in Hawaii. Yeah, only in Hawaii. I went to two different schools in Hawaii, both years, in two years.

The first school was a public school, James Campbell. The second school was in Wauheoa. The first, he was on Perkyl School. But it happened in both schools. Did they both punch me? It happened, yeah, they both punched me. Wow. Wow. No, it wasn't, it wasn't punching.

There was ball punching that happened. I mean, it wasn't, but it wasn't like a regular, like it wasn't all the rage. It was just some weird thing that boys did because they were constantly thinking about their own penises. So ergo, they were thinking about the penises around them and like, and how much they deserved a punch.

Yeah, exactly. And that must have been it. But like I say, and of course it was the time of puberty when you had, when you were, you were descending, of course, from your inside and everything. So it was a natural thing to, I guess, show off that, hey, I can get, I can take a hit and walk away,

you know, like a man kind of thing. Yeah, yeah. God, that would have been very- Very healthy, healthy behavior. Yeah, yeah. God, that would be a very healthy, healthy behavior. Yeah, I suppose so. Although it wasn't kind of painful though. Yeah, no, absolutely. All right, Mark, well, thank you for the call.

Sure enough, hope it didn't go too out too much. Take care of yourself. No, no, not at all, not at all. Okay, go on Ricky, go on Mark. Bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Okay, go on Ricky, go on Mark. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. All right, Ricky, next up. We will allow topic calls on any topic really,

and we call them wild cards. And we've got a wild card on the line. Taylor from Los Angeles. Hello, Taylor. Thank you for the air horn. I appreciate it. Oh, you're welcome, Tyler. It's a government, like the FCC requires it. Alright, great. This was actually a topic from a previous show you did, I think, about drunk stories. Okay, yeah, that sounds like me. Yeah, I think it was like a drunk at work thing anyway.

I was in a Broadway show at the time as an actor and I was out late into like 4 a.m. drinking and getting drunk and I was a swing, which means I'm not on stage every night. I'm just a backup. And so I was like, you know what? That's fine, I'll just go to work, pick up a paycheck. We got a couch in the dressing room,

I'll sleep on the couch. And so I go to work the next day and I'm really hung over and not feeling good. So usually the call time for these shows is a half hour before the show. So I decide to get there a little early and I close my eyes on the couch and I'm there for half hour.

And then, oh, by the way, I'm also the understudy for the lead in this show at that time. So I go to sleep, I go to sleep and then I wake up and one of my cast members goes, Taylor, you have to wake up. You have to go play the lead. And I go, oh, did the show start yet? And they said, we're half an hour into the show. And I got real sober at that moment. Does the lead character not appear in the first half hour of the show?

The lead character is on stage the entire show. It's a marathon. They just got sick halfway? They busted their ankle running off stage. Oh. I've seen it happen twice where in the middle of a musical, Broadway musical, they had to have the understudy came out

and just like, and they announce it so that people aren't confused. And it's just like, now he's being played by Doug. And everyone's like, oh, okay. Probably very disconcerting for the elderly. Yes. Like, what, who is that? How did it go?

So do you ever feel so tired that you wanna cry? Yeah. So there's an emotional part at the end of the show where you're supposed to be really sad. And I let the tiredness take over and I was sobbing throughout the 11th hour song. Was it Dear Evan Hansen? Was that the show?

No, no, no, it's earlier. I'm an old man now. Wait, I'm wanting to guess what the show is. Pippin? Do you wanna say what the show is. Pippin? Do you want to say what the show is? It's about a state that's very near to New York and a pop group from that era. Oh, Jersey Boys. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And you were absorbing Frankie Valli. That's right. Listen, I had a good show, but I was just so exhausted. And I kind of said, you know what? I probably should not get that drunk the night before I go to work. Yeah. Especially when that's a variable that could be thrown into the mix. Oh, God. Yeah. But I think the big thing for me was that I was suddenly rushed awake in the middle of action. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that would, yeah, that's a, that's gotta be a terrible feeling.

That's like, that's like a literal nightmare. That would be like something that you would have as a nightmare. You know? There was a hallway onto the stage and I basically stood there like Iron Man as everybody put costumes and microphones on me. Wow. Now did your cast members say, wow, you really brought it when you were, you know, crying and sobbing through the... Yeah, oh my gosh. Was it too much?

You really tapped into it. You were so good. Wow, what an amazing moment. and sobbing through the... Or was it too much? Yeah, no, oh my gosh, you really tapped into it. You really tapped into it. You were so good. Wow, what an amazing moment. And I was like, I just, I wanna sleep. Yeah, I'm just hungover. I'm just hungover, that's all. Yeah.

Well, however you get there, you know. Yeah. All right, well, Taylor, thank you so much for the call. Thank you. For the wild card. A little lag on that one. That's probably gonna cost us an FCC fine, but you know, we'll pay it.

All right. Oh wait, somebody just said that's because it's our intern Guadalupe. Who Guadalupe, who's our final day today. So thank you Guadalupe for all your good work. We're not done yet though, but that should be our last wild card. Oh, still a little lag.

You gotta get that shit down if you want a job. Next up we got Lauren from Connecticut. Lauren, how are you? You got Ricky and Andy. Good, how are you? Good, good. Hi, Ricky, I've been following you for like 10 years. Oh my goodness. I remember the early youth days.

She means stalking. She means she's outside right now. Oh, hi. Oh God. She's in a van across the street. I'll take it. I don't mind. Well thank you. Yeah so to give you some context for the story, I was in Connecticut at the time, still in Connecticut, and this was middle school around 7th, 8th grade. And I was like the preppy student who always really wanted to be the goth hot topic kid.

Like, I couldn't classic Connecticut story classic Connecticut story. So so I couldn't be but they were those that was the style choice of all of my friends. They were like the kids who smoked outside of the building and their parents really liked me and I always vouched for them when they did crazy shit. Yes. Were you ever the lookout when they were shoplifting?

I don't remember ever doing that, but we were at high-profile lives. Based on no personal experience of looking like a preppy person, I was never in that position. And also tall, so you got a good view. Totally. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so in this story, we were in a, um, uh, like a middle school concert, uh, situation where like the band was doing something for the school and we were sitting in the audience and I had a, I had a big crush on this kid who was sitting like.

Couple rows down. Uh, and I turned to my friend and I said, Oh, I have like something funny to say to him, uh, see if he can like something funny to say to him. See if he can like get his attention or I don't remember how it was communicated, but it did get like telephoned down. And all of a sudden I see the kid I have a crush on just go, ah, fuck, like Jesus Christ.

And so one of my tough guy friends decided to get his attention by stabbing him with a pencil. So what is wrong with you? So that's what his reaction to was was being stabbed. Yeah. Oh wow So, he got stabbed with a pencil and- Well, it's like Cupid's arrow. Did it break skin? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so my friends, I was just frozen in terror

because I never get in trouble. Yeah. And my friends looked out for me and you know they vouched for me because they're the tough kids and they like took one for me. Wait how could it be your fault though? Yeah well. Because she wanted to get his attention. Right.

She said get that guy's attention and it became stab him with a pencil. I see. As opposed to tapping him on the shoulder. Yes, okay. Yeah. So they thought you were like, hey, please stab that guy, and then someone went, okay. Yes.

Right. Yep. So, and I, like, sometimes I still feel guilty about it. Like, oh God, I wonder if he still has, like, the pencil scar mark. Yeah, graphite poisoning. Yeah, graphite poisoning. So, so like, I looked like a bully at that moment and I was mortified. Yeah. Well, did you ever follow up with the boy?

Yeah, well, he found out that I wanted to get his attention and so he came up to me and he goes, so what did you wanna get my attention about, huh? Yeah. And I said, I don't know. And he goes, yeah, I didn't think so. So he was pissed at me. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Well, he sounds like a pussy. Yeah. So that was my unintentional, my unintentional bullying story. Listen, it happens. Bullying happens. That's, I think that's what, That was my unintentional bullying story. Listen, it happens. Bullying happens. That's, I think, that's what,

if I were a principal, it'd be like, hey, look kids, bullying happens. And accidental bullying, I think that doesn't count. I don't think you feel guilty. It's not your fault. It's the one who stabbed him. It's your hot topic friends. Yeah, if someone had said to you,

stab the guy next to you, you probably wouldn't have done it. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah. All right, thank you. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah. All right, good morning. Thank you. I thought that was an interesting twist. Well, thank you for calling.

Yeah, thank you. All right. Definitely not as much psychological warfare as I was expecting. No. More just like physical punches and stuff. Yes, yes. We got one more.

A wild card. Thank you, Guadalupe. Scott from Omaha. Andy. You got a wild card for us? Are we doing bullying stories? I didn't mean to be a wild card. Well, it's junior high. So did it take place during junior high? Yeah one of the kids involved is in junior high so okay that's fine so it's it's not a wild card. In editing we're going to take all those air horns out. Cost a lot of money every time you

do that and I apologize that's on me. Let me tell you first Andy. It's exhausting for our air horns. every time you do that and I apologize. That's on me. Let me tell you first, Andy. It's exhausting for our air horns. Andy, at the start of the pandemic, everyone else watching Tiger King, our go-to binge watching show was Andy Richter Saves the Universe.

Love it. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Ricky, Garfunkel Notes and all that is all fantastic. But for me, the McDonald's commercial. Amazing. Oh my gosh. The McGriddles one? Yes, the McDonald's commercial. Amazing. Oh my gosh.

The McGriddles one? Yes. I was in two. Perfect. Whoa. Yeah. It was a McGriddle. Wow. Let's say a guy is like a cup of coffee.

That one got me health insurance. It was great. That was the best thing that ever happened to me. It played all the time during sports. Those were the days. Those were the days. It was like the first time I ever got recognized. People were like, you're the McDonald's girl.

And I'm like, oh, I am? Wow. Cool. Yeah. I basically eat an entire McGriddle. McGriddles. I learned that day that it's, it's plural. Oh, it always is plural. Yeah. The, a single McGriddle is McGriddles. I, I learned doing, um, a, uh, something for Lego. It's never Legos. It's always singular. Wow. And there is not a Lego, it's a Lego brick. Oh. Yeah, yeah. So it's, wow. You can speak of Lego as a concept and as a lifestyle choice.

Wow. But as an actual object, it is a Lego brick. Wow. Yeah. Did not know that. Fucking Danes, man. They're sticklers. So Scott, what do you got for us? All right, so my wife is a kind of a person, Yeah, did not know that fucking Danes man So Scott what do you got for us? So my wife is a kind of a person she's a wonderful parent to our two kids But she's a terrible parent to everyone else's kids

She's the woman who goes around at the zoo or the park or McDonald's and is telling kids. Hey stop that You're not supposed to do that. So we're at like a Trampoline park or something like that. And some kids doing something he's not supposed to do. And of course, this little junior high age kids mom isn't doing anything. So my wife goes over and says, you got to stop that. You're not supposed to do that. And so this 13 year old punk looks at my wife and is like, what are you gonna do about it lady? Why don't you get on my face? So my son, who at this point is like four or five years old, puffs himself up like a puffer fish and stands between my wife and this kid like, don't talk to my mom like that. And the kid

back down. I was so proud of my son. Wow. And you were there to witness it? No, I got there just after it. Oh, okay. Because I was going to say you were like hiding behind something. Yeah. Where were you? I was at the bar at the trampoline park getting drunk with the other dads. No, I wasn't there at that time. Yeah. Wow. That's great. I was in the vicinity and my wife said, I think our son's going to get in a fight with the kid. I'm like, I'll be right there. I have to say, I don't know what I would do

if someone was like telling my son where to be. I guess he's only three, but I would be like, what? Like I would get in a fight with your wife maybe. You know what, there are times, there have been times when as a parent, like my kids were kind of misbehaving in public and somebody would be like, you better not do that. And I'm always like, you know, I mean, I don't want somebody.

I was like, thank you. Thank you. I don't have to say it. Thank you for the support. And then because it is like with your kid, you can be like, see, it's not just me. Everybody hates you. You are bad.

Yeah. To the bone. Everyone knows it. And everyone can see it. And my son's only three, so I guess it's kind of different. Probably wouldn't yell at a three-year-old. Yeah, yeah. Scott, go on. Did we?

Oh. I'm here. Scott, are you there? Oh, okay. I'm here. All right, well, thanks. We're out of time, so we got to go, but thank you for the call. Thank you, guys.

Enjoy the show. Okay, thanks so much. Thank you. All right, Ricky. Okay, thanks so much. All right, Ricky, we always said pick a favorite. Um, they're up there if you can. Uh... I have mine. Do you want to say it at the same time?

And from Florida. And from Florida, yeah. It was the most active. Really felt like bullying. Didn't feel as much as like a general like punch in the balls. Right, right. It felt like a specific. Exactly.

And it like probably more hurtful than one slap in the balls. And real bullying stays with you. That's how you know it's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To hold onto it. And I am not kidding that I, for no reason, just like it'll float through my head.

Like that one time I was, I said something shitty and mean to Peter Mihalakakos, a lovely Greek kid, and feel terrible and still feel terrible. Pete, if you're out there, I'm sorry. All right, well, that's it. Thank you so much, Ricky. Thank you for having me. Check, that's it. Thank you so much, Ricky. Thank you for having me. Check out Ricky Lindholm. That's R-I-K-I-L-I-N-D-H-O-M-E.com for your live tour dates.

And get her album. No worries if not. It's out now. Thank you. It's so funny and you're so funny. Thank you. So are you. And thanks for coming down. Thank you for having me. And all of you, stick around for Lori Kilmartin's stand up on Conan. We'll be back next week.

Goodbye.