The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Rob Huebel

Episode Date: February 18, 2020

Actor, comedian and writer Rob Huebel (Medical Police) talks to Andy Richter about submitting his resume in a pizza box, the prank that got him banned from Yankee Stadium, and the doors opened by his sketch show Human Giant. Plus, Rob explains why he likes being the “weirdo” in a drama.

Hi, everyone, and welcome to the three questions with Andy Richter. It's not just with Andy Richter, though. It's with Rob Hubel. Hi, everybody. Hi, Rob. Thanks for having me. Is this a, this is like a quiz show, right? Like I just, okay, you ask me and we'll be done in like a minute. Okay. I asked you three questions. The balls,

you like them tortured or cupped? Tortured. Okay. Uh, that's one. Now I got to, and then I think about what the next question is for a half an hour. Oh, I gotcha. No, you know, I mean, do you know the questions? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's, I'm just basically, I want to know. Yeah. I had my publicist type up a whole thing. And I'm just going to read it. Kid, you're from Hawaii. I got some bullet points, some talking points.

Well, uh, well, what were you doing today? What's your, what's on What's on the plate today? Well, I was telling, I forgot your name, Jen, that we just saw a bobcat in our neighborhood. So I'm dealing with that. Bobcat Goldthwait? No. Oh. That would have been great.

I'm a fan. Really? A bobcat? A real fucking bobcat. Isn't it weird how? Yeah. LA is. Well, we live in Pasadena. So there's, I mean, it's crazy out there, you know, but yeah, there's just like, you know, I'm not from California.

And so every now and then you see stuff where you're like, what? I know. You know, like it took me a while to wrap my head around like coyotes and stuff. When I moved out here, I was like, I'd walk the dog at night and you'd see like a fucking pack. Oh, can we swear on this yes yes absolutely yeah so we'd see these you know coyotes at night like wandering down the street like looking all tough and uh i was like what is that are these wolves you know so there's just some shit out here and they're amazing because like they walk by and they shoot you a glance

and and you feel like like okay it's it's walking by and it's not looking at me. But you also get the feeling of like, no, that was like, it's stalking me. They're plotting. Yeah. And there were four behind me. Yeah, they definitely do that. Yeah, that are waiting to like separate my terrier from me. That's exactly what they do. It's like a pack of hyenas.

They're basically just like, how do we, the big person, I don't know if we could kill the big guy. We could probably kill the kid. We could kill the kid. We could drag the kid into the bushes. Or that Irish setter for sure. That Irish setter looks ready to play. And they, apparently that's what they do too. Cause I don't live up in where I live. Well, you're in a helicopter that just circles the city, right? It is true. It's yeah. I call it an airship, but it's just a helicopter. It's a helicopter. It's like air, but it's just a helicopter. It's a helicopter. Yeah. It's like Airwolf.

That's your Airwolf. Well, it's just, you know, airship doesn't have as big a carbon footprint. And I'm trying to nail like, you know, hippie chicks. Yeah. And so when you say helicopter, they're like, what about the gas? So it's like, ah, it's an airship. And then it's like, all right, it's on. Yeah.

Let's get up there, baby. No. At my old house in Burbank, it's kind of down by the river and right across from where Griffith Park begins. Yeah. So there's still a lot of werewolves. Werewolves. A lot of werewolves. We got a werewolf problem.

A lot of wildlife. Yeah. Tons of raccoons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tons of possums. Skunks. One morning. And I mean A lot of wildlife. Yeah. Tons of raccoons. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tons of possums. Skunks. One morning. And I mean, and hawks.

Yeah. Like just wake up and look up. Huge birds. I heard a noise and like a tearing noise. And I look up and it's a hawk in a tree just tearing the shit out of a bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just ripping his flesh apart. Blood dripping into the street.

Right. I found an owl pellet on my car. I don't even know what that is. Owls. I would have eaten it. Owls eat things whole. Uh-huh. And then-

And then they poop it out? They poop it out. And what they poop out is a like little yarn ball of fur and crushed bone. Yum. That sounds delicious. There was a furry little ball. And it's kind of like it's almost sort of fluffy. It's kind of been teased out like a hairstyle.

And inside it, there was like a little half a mouse skull. A little treat. Yeah. Just like sitting on my car. And I was like, wow, there's owls. That's amazing. Shitting on my car. Shitting out their breakfast.

Yeah. But yeah, apparently coyotes, one coyote will find a dog and kind of be like, hey buddy, let's go play. Yeah. And your dog's like, oh, hey. Stupid fucking dogs are like, I love to play. Yeah, let's go. Come on over here.

And then that's where. They just get stabbed. That's where the, yeah, where the gang is waiting to set up. Yeah. So yeah, there's a lot of wildlife in Pasadena, but the bobcat thing took it to a whole new level. I was like, I don't even – Was it big?

Well, I didn't see it. Our babysitter went outside. But it was like the middle of the day. This was actually a couple days ago. But it was like the middle of the day, and she had our child with her. And so she freaked out and started videotaping it. But, yeah, it was big. But a bobcat isn't going to hurt your kid.

I don't think so. A mountain lion is a problem. But a bobcat won't hurt you. Yeah. A bobcat is more like an adorable thing that my daughter would want to be friends with. Yes. Yes. As well as Bobcat Goldthwait. As well as Bobcat.

I don't know. That might kind of be weird if your daughter started really hanging out exclusively with Bobcat Goldthwait. Bobcat, get out of my daughter's room. What is she, like four? She's three. Three. Yeah.

Yeah. That would- I mean, that's a- I mean, Hollywood What is she, like four? She's three. Three, yeah. I mean, Hollywood is about age mismatch, but that's pushing it. Yeah, but that's a real discrepancy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a bobcat in our neighborhood once, and it was so strange. I was like, it took me a full, like, 20 seconds to process what I was seeing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like, I'm not at the zoo.

That cat has long legs. Right. Like, wow, that's, you know. Is it a panther? Yeah was seeing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's like I'm not at the zoo. That cat has long legs. Right. Like, wow, that's, you know. Is it a panther? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I mean, but you live or it sounds like you used to live right by like, there's mountain lions in Griffith Park, P-22. Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, there's a couple of them. They would have had to cross the 134, though, to get to me. They can do that, though. They'll zip line. Oh, yeah, they build their own zip lines. They zip line right across the freeway. Yep, out of mouse intestines. String it together.

A friend of mine in Pasadena lives up, you know, like above Pasadena High School. Had a fucking bear in her yard a couple weeks ago. I'm not on board with that. A bear. I'm not on board with that. A fully trained bear? No, no, no. Not trained at all.

A wild bear. Yeah, it had its head shot in its hand. Like it was obvious that it was still looking for work. He's an acting bear. Didn't even know to put anything extra on the, you know. Special skills. Bear shit. Just bear.

No dancing, no roller skates. Yeah. That would freak me out. But, you know, coming from, I was in New York before I lived here, so you didn't have to deal with stuff like that. No, just rats. Just rats. Well, you're from Virginia, correct? I'm from Virginia. Yep. But there's no wildlife or are you in the suburbs? No, we killed it all. We killed it all. Um, yeah. Years and years ago.

Yeah. I was in the suburbs. Like, uh, uh, yeah, I grew up like just outside of DC, like about 15 minutes outside of DC and all that. And so, yeah, you know, it was super suburban and not like wildlife and stuff. And then New York was all, you know, sidewalks and stuff like that. So did it feel like the South? Um, not really where I was. Cause it's so, it's so North, but Virginia is such a weird dichotomy like that. Like, like if you drive, you know, 45 minutes outside of DC, like you're in the sticks, you know, it's all, uh, I mean, I don't know, uh, how, uh, we should date this sort of but, you know, like I think Virginia, the demographics are changing. So now it's becoming like a pretty blue state, which is cool. Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, to the chagrin of so many country folk, I'm sure like out in the hills and stuff. Yeah, yeah. But so like a thing when you would go outside the city, you would feel like, you know, like you were in like racist kind of country. It didn't occur to me. I mean, you know, I think it's just different being a white person and experiencing stuff like that. You know, like my family, my mom is from South Carolina and we moved when I was, when I went to college, my little brother, my mom moved to South Carolina. And so like, I, now I say I'm from South Carolina, but like, that's a fully racist area, you know, but as you know, a white dude, like you don't fully see that or experience that. Although there's still like, cause I grew up in Illinois and it was rural and

you, but you could go to deeper rural places and you could even, even as like lily white as I am, you could go into a coffee shop. And just because it's such an insular little place, you walk in and, you know, and open the door and then the whole place just turns. And there's just like a slow turn of all these heads of like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember once in, I used to, we used to vacation in Pawleys Island, South Carolina. Oh, is that? That's where we go. Dude, every year since I've been like three years old, that's where I go every year.

Oh, wow. But please say something racist about it. No, well, no. We were there, we were there one year for the 4th of July week and we had gone down with friends of ours. We would rent one of those great little beaches on the house or houses on the beach. Yeah. Day, day, day. And in the fourth of july parade yeah i've been in it every year since i was like have you really since i was like five years old fuck you must have you were probably in the parade i'm sure

that i was in a parade that you have seen or we've been in the same small town yeah fourth of july parade because there was a parade and the mayor was being investigated for graft of course by and it was the state law enforcement division okay sled yeah sled in the parade he was dressed as santa in a sleigh and on the side it was written going on a sled ride of course like the fact that he was investigated for graft was made into a parade float yeah south carolina politics is and the people along the line whose money is be art is being stolen from them yep we're laughing laughing at the word play. So that we saw the mayor.

Like there's the mayor. We see him. Our last night in town, we leave like we left after dark to like drive up to New York City. Yeah. We got dinner before we hit the road. Yeah. And my friend Dino Stamatopoulos.

I know Dino. Yeah. I know of him. Yeah. Dino, he's Greek. He's just Greek. Are you sure? Stamatopoulos? Yeah. But he had like, he had sort of shoulder of him. Yeah, Dino, he's Greek. Are you sure? Stamatopoulos?

Yeah, yeah. But he had sort of shoulder-length hair, which is like, come on, the fucking Oak Ridge boys have longer hair than that. We walk into this restaurant, and there's the fucking mayor at a table. Still dressed as Santa? No, dressed as an old cracker. Sitting at this table, you know, old people. We walk in. He looks up and looks at Dino and goes, well, what the hell is that? Wow.

About a Greek guy with shoulder length hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I mean, and so I cannot even imagine what it's like to be black walking into a place like that. I mean, well, I can imagine. It's not great. I mean, because we actually did get to eat. We just were made to feel slightly uncomfortable when we walked in. Yeah, it's a bummer.

It's like, I mean, you know, obviously that's the understatement of the year. But yeah, it's weird that there are. And like, I think that places are changing and evolving. And certainly not everybody, everybody – I know – I went to school in South Carolina. I know tons of people from South Carolina. And they're a lot of smart, progressive people. But it's just there are some fucking people that are living in the past. Yeah, yeah. And so it's a crazy – but that's also – my wife is from Seattle.

And I go up there to – Super racist, isn't she? Super racist. That's what I hear. Yeah, my wife is from Seattle and I go up there to- Super racist, isn't she? Super racist. That's what I hear. Yeah, my wife is half Japanese and she is racist against herself. Whoa, wow. Yeah, it's really weird. That's got to be hot.

It's- But I'll go up to Seattle with her and her family lives in Tacoma and you get out there, same thing, you get a little bit away from the city and you see like, oh, there's a lot of Trump people out here. Yeah. Are we not supposed to talk about Trump people on the show? No, that's all right. It's like here in Southern California when you see like a Confederate flag.

What's this? Confederate? What? What's happening? Yeah. Jesus. That's just, you know. Yeah.

It doesn't mean like you really respect our nation's history. Right. Well, I mean, one aspect of it you do. And it's ongoing history. Save your Confederate money, boys. Sal's going to do it again. Yeah. So when did you move from Virginia to South Carolina?

When I went to school down there. My brother had gone to college. I went to Clemson, which is a big football school. Yeah. Go Tigers. What is it besides? Because that's all I know about. That's all they do. Really? That's all they do. You go there and you watch football.

No, but I mean, what is it known for scholastically? That's a great question. You know, when I went there, I went there primarily because I didn't get into UVA. Like I applied to UVA and I got like waitlisted at UVA. And my older brother had gone to Clemson and I'd gone in there to visit him a bunch. And I just love the campus and love the people and stuff like that. So, you know, you make decisions when you're 18 on based on dumb shit. Based on, oh man, this is a good place to party. Yeah. This looks like a fun place and everyone's really nice and the girls are cute, you know? But I mean, if I had it to do over again, I just, had I known that I wanted to do this and go into comedy and try to do all this stuff. I just would have moved to New York when I was 18 and gone to NYU or something like that. But, um, but yeah, I just went there because my brother had gone there really. And I was like, at that time I was trying to figure out, well, how do I, this all seemed impossible. Like,

you know, this was like a pipe dream. There's no way I don't know any, I didn't know anyone that did this. It's a recurring theme in this particular podcast, talking to people about where do you come from? And a lot of it is like, what I do now seems fucking crazy. It's impossible. So my big dream was I wanted to work in advertising. I felt like, oh, if I could write funny commercials, that would be great. I had that same thought in Chicago because that seemed like, yeah, you got to come up with jokes for that. Yeah.

And that seems sort of. That's kind of businessy. Yeah. And I'm too shy and sort of scared to say, to go full bore on wanting to write jokes. Yeah. Yeah. I bet I could. I could do that.

And also in Chicago, there, you know, it's a big advertising town. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not in Clemson, South Carolina. But I thought, well, I'll study like marketing and then I'll. So that's what I did. I studied marketing and then thought like I could go into advertising. So after college, I found my way up to New York. And that was what I wanted to do. I felt like, oh, I'll just go into advertising. And then I started, you know, I didn't have any connections in that world at all. So I was like temping, you know, when I first moved there. And then I just kind of like stumbled through like kind of random jobs and like, but real like office-y jobs, like, you know, just like business-y jobs, you know, like temping and shit like that. But nothing like it was in a creative, like just a real estate firm or something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So when I, so like the first year I was in New York, I was just like temping my, my, I was living with these guys who were, who a friend of mine from South Carolina had known they were like investment bankers and they had a big place on the Upper West Side and they let me stay in their like empty room. So I had this like big room in like a brownstone in New York. And I didn't know that that was rare. You know, like most people are in like, you know, a tiny little hole in the wall. And I was like in this big, fancy brownstone, you know, but sleeping on like a futon. Right, right. But relatively cheap too. Super cheap. These guys were all like working on wall street and they're like, yeah, man, like you're a friend

of Dave's, you know, you can pay us whenever you get some money or whatever. So I just had like this, it was like a great little setup for, for me. And, um, so eventually I kind of bullshitted my way into working in production. Like, so I was working behind the scenes. There was a cable channel. What is that? And I'm interested about that. And just especially for people to know, what does that process mean? Bullshitted your way specifically. I literally lied my way into a job. So, so I read about, I was doing all these temp jobs.

And then I read in something like variety that there was like a new cable channel coming together. And I was like, oh man, if I could get a job at this new channel. And it was all outdoor stuff. It was called the Outdoor Life Network. And so it was going to be like, in the first incarnation of it, it was going to be like, you know, camping and backpacking and mountain biking and kayaking. And I was like, oh, I like to do some of that stuff. Right. And so I found out who the head guy was. And I literally took my resume to him, which was like, you know, I just kind of lied on my resume that I had been a PA at all these other jobs. And like, I hadn't really been a PA. Like I think in one of my temp jobs, I had kind of been a PA on some bullshit thing. So I really like embellished that and had this

kind of shitty resume. So here's what I did. I found out who the guy was and I delivered a pizza to the head of this company with my resume inside the pizza. It's like so dumb. And I wrote a cover letter like, you know. How did you keep the grease off the resume? I laminated it. No, did you really? I did. I really did. I laminated my resume and a cover letter. You're the cutest thing ever. And I was like, hey, I know this is cheesy, blah, blah, blah. But so literally, I lied my way past the security guard and up to this guy.

I mean, this is before 9-11, but like, I could have assassinated him. Right, right. There could have been a gun instead of a resume. Yeah, easily. In fact, now looking back, maybe I should have. Could have gotten a better job. Could have gotten a great job. Could have had his job.

Yep, yep. You get down on your knees. I'm you now, you motherfucker. But so that's, so basically this guy was just like putting together a cable channel and was like, this person seems scrappy. Right, right. So I got hired as a pa right on pretty thoughtful to laminate the resume yeah yeah yeah but otherwise the grease would have made it illegible i like the way this kid thinks hey i'm choking on this laminate in the

pizza um but um but yes i could use this laminated resume to cut cocaine so that's how i got like my first pa job. Wow. And, uh, and it was, and it was like, but it was a brand new company and they didn't know what they were doing and they were putting together all these shows. So I got to do like a ton of different stuff. Like I got to like, go in the edit room and work with an editor. And like, pretty soon I was like an associate producer on different shows and like

stringing to get making clip shows of like wildlife shows and doing getting like a sound effects library and sweetening shows with like better sounds of lions fucking and stuff like just a bunch of different stuff. Also writing like a ton of writing, like writing stuff for the teleprompter, for the hosts of this show about running shoes. You know, they had, they had shows about like gear and shit like that. Right. Right. So I would like write the script for that. So I literally just got to do like a ton of stuff. Yeah. And so, um, so anyway, that I, so I spent a few years doing that in New York, uh, at the same time. Were you making a decent living at that? I mean, just like, just enough, just enough. Yeah. Like similar to what you were making making a decent living at that? I mean, just like enough. Just enough. Just enough. Yeah. Like similar to what you were making temping or?

I think I was making, yeah, similar to like temp money. The only like racket I had was that this company was so new. I would work a ton of overtime and then fill out my time card and charge them for that. It was a brand new company and they didn't know that they're paying me all this overtime. Yeah. So I would get these checks for like, you know, I'd get my normal like $500 paycheck and then I'd get like a $700, you know, at the end of the month for overtime or whatever. And then, so I did that for like a few months and I was like, this is a great scam. I'm ripping these people off. And then all of a sudden i got called into their office and they're like um rob uh betsy who's brand new in accounting uh flagged the are you are you working a lot of overtime

and i was like uh betsy said that so so so they kind of called me out there's no such thing there's no such thing as overtime and outdoor life network yeah yeah yeah but I mean, is there overtime in the outdoors? No. No. It's the outdoors. Is that bear working overtime? Well, he is.

He's working on his special skills. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, he's trying these new running shoes. Thanks for that copy, by the way. Oh, thanks a lot for letting me try on the shoes. There are so many trail shoes out there it's hard to know what you're gonna keep your claws clean by the way we're both looking for

voiceover work for bear shows oh yeah if there are any cartoons out there about bears about and it could either be the animals or the burly gay men i'll go either way i would prefer to do burly gay guys combine them that would be great why not burly gay bears yeah why isn't that a show Or the Burly Gay Men. I'll go either way. Either way. I would prefer to do Burly Gay Guys. Combine them. That would be great. Why not? Burly Gay Bears. Yes. Why isn't that a show?

Oh, boy. So, yeah. So, I did that for a while. And then in the middle of doing that, like, I randomly, my roommate at the time was this guy, Mike Henry, who created the Cleveland show. He was Cleveland and did the family, you know, was on the Family Guy and did all these plays. So prior to all that. He was a writer too, wasn't he? Primarily a writer on it and then just, yeah. Yeah.

So Mike was just a friend of a friend in New York. And I eventually, someone put us together and we were roommates in New York. And one night Mike said, hey, I'm going to go see this improv show. And I didn't even know what improv was. Like they didn't have that at Clemson or I didn't see it. Yeah, yeah. And – Now, were you still thinking about being a performer?

Are you working in outdoor life and thinking like – Yeah, just trying to figure it out. Every Monday night I was going to Luna Lounge to watch – there there was a show at luna lounge a big con like a stand-up show called eating it yeah and it was all like you know mark maron and louis ck and jeff ross and like janine garofalo yeah and like it was and i would go there every fucking whatever it was like monday night by myself and sit there and like drink a beer and like dream about how i could do this i was trying to figure it out and like because in my mind the only way to do comedy was like stand-up that's all i knew yeah and so i was going there and watching just literally like making mental notes like this

is so cool and it was also like downtown like like lower east side la was so fucking cool i always even when i was when i got to new york to do the conan show i had been to new york to do a live show called the real life brady bunch but it was yeah but it was sort of off on its own little world and i it wasn't like you know we did that show and then i went i left and i came back to do the conan show but even within doing conan show and being on television uh my my you know soon to be ex-wife was kind of getting into this lower east side kind of you know performing alternative literary kind of thing like john hodgman she'd do these yeah kind of moth yeah these reading shows you know these with hodgman and these different people.

And I was incredibly intimidated. Like, oh, these are like cool, artsy people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I'm on TV. Yeah, sure. But I mean, I'm like from Chicago. You sold out. No, not that I sold out. No, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you that you sold out. Is that why you came today? Yes. Oh, I wish you'd let me know earlier because i'm really leveraged now um but i you know i was very intimidated because i thought oh these are literary people these aren't like dumb dumb sketch comedy looking for the laugh kind of people and i i would go down i went down there a couple times and i'd watch these shows and i and i it was like this epiphany i'm like oh my god they're just trying to be funny. Right. Oh, my God.

No, they're going for laughs. Oh, fuck. I thought they were trying to be smart. Outsmart other people. No, they're just trying to be funny. Oh, Jesus Christ. I could do this. Yeah. All right.

And I was already on TV and feeling intimidated by this. Right. Yeah. Well, it is scary. It's like all of that is just intimidating. you know, all of that is, is just, it's intimidating, you know? And when you are, when you're, when you're just starting out, it's just like, it feels like this whole thing that there's no way you could ever be a part of that.

Like, I'm not, I'm not funny enough. Not smart enough. Not smart enough. Not cool enough. Don't have enough tattoos. There's no way I have enough tattoos. Yeah. But, but yeah, so, so I was going to these comedy shows. But were you drawn to stand up just because it was the only thing you knew?

Just because it was all I knew. It was all I knew. And I hadn't done stand up at all. I was just like trying to get my courage up. And when my roommate said, hey, come see this improv show with me and took me to go see what would become or what was the early uh uh genesis of of of ucb in fact you may have even been in some of these shows probably because it was at it was at um that walk-up theater up on the fifth floor i can't remember like solo arts solo arts yep i know it was something it's like 17th street and uh and so yeah and you did have to walk up you had to walk up like six five or six flights of stairs yeah yeah and um so so my roommate took me to the show and I sat there and it was like people like, I can't remember if you were in the show, but I remember like the first show was like Amy, Tina Fey, like John Glazer, like Stephen Colbert. Yeah.

You know, Rachel Dratch, Adam McKay, all doing a fucking magic show. Like I had not seen that before. You probably grew up around that. But I was like, whoa, this is not stand-up. This is people all somehow making something funny together. You weren't like watching tennis. You were watching U.S. Open caliber people playing tennis. So even more so, it's got to be a magic show.

It blew my mind. You know, my early experiences with improv were people that were just— Terrible. Yeah. I mean, not terrible, but just starting out in improv and kind of all thrown in together as a mixed bag. And there'd be like two good people and four people that were okay and one person that just should never have even come in the door. Oh, yeah. You know, I was watching like the Harlem Globetrotters.

Like it was like, it literally was. No, because all those people are geniuses. Yeah. I mean, without equivocation, they're all geniuses. And I remember like having, and I've told this story before, but like, I remember sitting there being like, well, this is what I want to do. Like, this is what I want to do. I don't even know what this is, but like, how do I do this? Where do I sign up? Who do I get in touch with? You know, it was your friend, like sit down,

you can't join and don't go now. Don't go up there. Hey, I have a pen. Yeah. Um, but, uh, but yeah, so I started like they, they started their school and I was like one of the first people, you know, I'm sure you've had other people on the show who've told a similar story, you know, but it was like me and, you know, like Corddry and Riggle and Shear and Andy Daly and Secunda and, you know, all those guys. And I'm not naming any women. And there's a ton of women too. Sorry, I'm just naming it so terrible. You forget women. I just named a bunch of white guys.

I know, I know. But, but so that, yeah yeah so that moment like changed my life you know i was literally like oh this is what i want to do how do i do this so and then we built that tunnel up to rockefeller center so that you could all be on the cone and show well listen that that was the other thing that literally changed my life is that uh eventually the ucb started uh doing they they got a show on comedy central and their casting director, Cecilia Plevia, left and went to Conan. Yeah. And she knew all of us because we had done like little like deep background stuff on UCB show.

And all of a sudden we had this connection at the fucking Conan show. Yeah. And so that's when like those were my first paychecks. Like I, like I would come on Conan and do weirdo bits, you know, from like a new, you know, there'd be like different weird channels and he would flip around the dials and I would get to do a bit with like, you know, Glazer or, or like Andy Blitz or something. And, and, and that like changed my life. Cause I was suddenly like, Oh wait, I could make money. There's a way where I could make money.

Yep. Getting laughs. Yeah. You know? So, yeah. So, and now here I am. So, thank you so much, Andy. All right.

Well, it's been nice talking to you, Rob. Good to see you. Okay. Is this water free? This is free, right? Well, I mean, it's not water. This is. I mean, it's not all water.

Yeah, no, that was. I mean, it's not all water. Yeah, no, that was, I mean, and I've told this to different people who have been on this show who were among that group is that, yeah, no, it was fantastic for us too. Yeah. Because it was, you know, we'd write bits and we would sort of cast among the writers and, you know, or like, I mean, because we would have cast, our casting people always had to have like a large pool of very elderly people. Yeah. Just for some reason, we just loved putting like really, really old New Yorkers in a bathing suit. Yes. I remember one, there was a woman, she was a very elderly woman that was on the show.

She's a very elderly woman that was on the show. And they cut me into it. Barbara Walters did an interview with Monica Lewinsky. Yeah. That was a big deal. And we did this a couple times where we would just, you know, because it's a two-person interview, and we would just replace me on the Monica Lewinsky side. And at one point, and it's like her saying, so was there sex involved? And then I'd be like, yeah, we did it everywhere.

And there was a point in which I was supposed to offer to suck her toe. And we had this old lady that was on a bunch of stuff as an old lady on the show. And we had her be Barbara Walters' foot off camera. And I was like, hey, I can suck your toe. And before we do it, she goes like, be careful because I have a wound on my heel that just will not heal.

Oh, God. It's a wound there. So don't grab behind there because there's a wound. Don't lick my foot wound. And I have to get my mouth almost onto her toe. Yeah. Wow. That's different from my experience.

I had a, I had just cruel. I had an old lady make out thing that I shot. Did you really? Yeah. On Conan? No, no, no. This was on Children's Hospital. Years later on Children's Hospital, I wrote this bit.

I wrote one episode of Children's Hospital and kind of got to, and I didn't think about it. I wrote this bit. I wrote one episode of Children's Hospital and kind of got to, and I didn't think about it. I wrote this thing. It was a time travel thing. And a lifelong dream come true of making out with an old lady. Yeah. Where, where like I make out with a very old lady and somehow I guess through Henry Winkler, they cast the mom from Happy Days, Marion Ross, who was not that old. No, she's not. Yeah. But she was like, maybe, and she was delightful. She was like in her, you know, she might've been like late seventies or something like that at the time. And so we had to like make

out. And I remember like, you know, you get to that moment where I'm sure you were going to put your mouth in that lady's foot wound and you're like, oh, this is real. Like, this is a real thing that I'm doing it was funny before when we were talking about it yeah but now i gotta put my mouth on this you know and i'm i'm not i don't mean to say that marion i had to think like oh i'm putting my mouth on i'm not referring to her as this i understand if she's a person yeah she's a person right right but no well it's i honestly have always because i never thought that that was something that i would have to do.

And then I got, and then. Well, you got to do it. You didn't have to. No, no. I honestly, I'm not the kind of, like, I don't, I do not, I'm not in possession of enough, like, compartmentalization. Yeah. I'm a good compartmentalizer, but not to do, like, where I'm on a production, I'm on a show, and I get to make out with somebody, and I'm just going to like build a little wall around this and get the just straight-up thrill of making out with someone

because there's just so much other stuff going on. And I'm feeling like that person's not here to make out with me. They're here to make a paycheck. And like I do enjoy the fact that when I make out with someone that they want to make out with me. In real life. Yeah, if they don that when i make out with someone that they want to make out with me in real life yeah if they don't want to make out with me it's not nearly as much fun nor should it be yeah it's anyone listening to this i'd rather not yeah no someone doesn't want to make out with me i'd rather not i would assume that most actors feel this way too that like oh

that's but there are some people that are like yeah man how about it and it's like no it's always when i on andy rick controls the universe i would have been fine having this guy be sort of Oh, that's a. But there are some people that are like, yeah, man, how about it? And it's like, no, it's always. When I, on Andy Rick controls the universe, I would have been fine having this guy be sort of neuter. Yeah. But no, it was like, oh, we got to have him dating and making out with people. And I was always just like. Yeah, you just feel bad. I just feel weird and gross. And there's a whole sort of wide array of reactions of co-stars to making out with you, which is like from, hey,

come on, it's going to be fun. And I like him. Who cares? And it's what we got to do. To like, all right. Oh, boy. You know, like what you really make you feel good about yourself. Yeah.

I have a little trick that I do. I eat a whole bag of Oreos right before a kissing scene. Because I feel it. Because generally people love Oreos right before a kissing scene. Because I feel it. Because generally people love Oreos. Yes. Yes. And so the more you smell and taste like Oreos. Yes.

Yeah. People like it. And when I was in Talladega and I had a, did you ever had to kiss a man on camera? Like really kiss a man? Yeah. Yeah. Ken Marino. I've kissed him a few times at Children's Hospital, which was delightful.

Oh boy. But I. He slipped me the tongue and I was like, well, wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wow, wow, wow. This changes everything. Oh, that's the kind of Italian spices. This is looking fun.

No, I had to, in Talladega Nights, I'm playing Sasha Baron Cohen's husband. Yeah. And I know in the script, and they ended the movie. At some point halfway through, they decided to end the movie with a big kiss by them on the racetrack at Talladega. Right. Which was, I think, just their way of saying, fuck you, NASCAR. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, here's your, you know, if you're going to let us make the NASCAR movie, which is what it was.

We're going to fuck with you. We're going to have it. We're going to give you make the NASCAR movie, which is what it was. We're going to fuck with you. We're going to have it. We're going to give you a gay panic right at the end. So, but in the movie, like there was this buildup to this montage because the whole fact, like it was a big deal that Ricky Bobby finds out that his French nemesis is gay. And there's this montage of like him winning and us together, like with our trained dogs and stuff. And it culminated with a big kiss, like after he wins, like a big, deep kiss after he wins Le Mans or something. Yeah, yeah. And Ricky Bobby is watching this montage and gets freaked out by these two men kissing.

Yeah. And I knew it was coming. And I'm like, you know, like, OK, yeah, it's a kiss a dude. What's the big deal? You know what I mean? And so I was kind of fine with it. And then the day that we were going to do it, I was kind of like, oh, it's going to be weird to really make out with Sasha.

It's going to be really strange. And then they tag it on at the end of the day that we'd been shooting the entire day at this NASCAR themed sports bar which we shot a lot

of the inside interior scenes of like at the at the well you were there weren't you oh I thought you were I thought you had a part in that

it's hard to remember I feel like I should have you should have you certainly should have yeah at least in the pit crew yeah you should get in a time machine and yell at somebody.

Where's that time machine? We'll get it later. But it was at the end of the day, losing light. We're done there. They put up a flat in the parking lot of the mall in Charlotte, North Carolina, where we're shooting this sports bar. It's got some logo on it. There's women in bathing suits, squirting champagne, a big flower thing, and they're shooting it. But it's in the parking lot of a mall at like 5 o'clock, 6 o'clock in the evening.

People are driving out of the mall, and that's where we're shooting multiple takes of him and me making out. Just going for it yeah like basically like it yeah right by the drive-thru and how did that go over in charlotte north carolina i people a lot of like what hey wait a second as well as his mate i mean it's charlotte's a fairly cosmopolitan place but charlotte's not i don't think that you normally see you know men making out in front of a flat on a yeah in the driveway of a strip mall right did you and sasha keep in touch uh for a while did it blossom into no no no that's funny i just re-watched uh bruno or that was on hbo or something the other night no big deal i can afford hbo

and um and uh but that also culminates in a in a similar thing where they go to like an ultimate fighting thing or it's like a low rent. It's somewhere in like Arkansas or Alabama. Oh, yes. It's in a cage and it's him and his like his German like assistant slash lover. And so he goes in there and, you know, you can tell all the real people are there to see like an ultimate fighting thing. Yeah. And then they like strip down and start like going for it. Yes.

And you see the crowd get so – Like they are so upset. Yeah. Like they're throwing shit and going crazy. One guy, like they cut him and he's like almost crying. Yeah. He's like his mind is exploding. Yes.

Sasha said that that's like the scariest thing he's done. That is so scary. He said that that's like the scariest thing i bet that is so scary he said that was really scary he said when he was like by the wailing wall in like his you know rabbi shorts and people were chasing him yeah he said that was scary scary and there's one where he goes to like a terrorist guy in the movie too and he's like saying uh and the terrorist guy is not laughing at all but i think but that was like less frightening than the mad group of drunken mma fans in arkansas yeah he took when we in shooting talladega nights we did a scene with him and me and i think leslie bibb was with us and we're up against uh extras in in the stands

for something like what and and there was this kid behind us who and Sasha was talking about when we were asking like when were you the most scared and I think it was for a Bruno segment he did a cheerleader at a University of Alabama game at a Crimson Tide game yeah he came down and was like in drag doing yeah and he said that there were he said there were people he said that they had to one of the state troopers gave him his jacket and had him like borrow someone else's pants to like secret him out of the stadium because there were people they were going to kill that were coming down wanting to kill him and this kid that had been standing behind us all day he said he said yeah they were screaming like we want to kill you and fuck you and all this stuff. And this kid went like, oh yeah, I was one of them people. I remember that.

Oh my God. It's like, and there he is right there. Yeah, there he is. Like been standing there all day. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. That kind of stuff is so, I had a job in New York. So eventually, when I'm, should I not go back to the New York thing? I don't know

where to go. I don't know. You want to, is there something you feel like, I mean, well, I was just going to say that, that another job I had kind of before I got full on into like being able to make a living acting and like performing, I worked as a producer for Michael Moore and worked for him for a year. And it was sort of like one of my last TV. For the TV show. Yeah. He did a show called The Awful Truth. And McKay actually worked on that too.

And Eric Zicklin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who's a friend of mine. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So, so I worked for Michael for about a year and that was like, kind of like one of my first comedy, like write comedy writing jobs where like I would write stuff that was funny, you know? And, um, but that was sort of, um, not on the level of Sasha where people, where I was, where I thought I was going to get killed, but it was the sort of thing where I had constant stress diarrhea because like we would go into congressman's offices, like, like in the Capitol building, like into a congressman's office. And I would go, you know, Michael would be like in the hallway.

And I was like his producer. And I would go in and mic up the congressman. And, you know, we would kind of do this thing where, you know, we would set up an interview. And we would tell them it was a documentary show. We were going to be talking about this, but like, I didn't mention Michael's name. You know, they didn't, if they asked, I would have to tell them, but like I just kind of, you know, didn't mention that or whatever. So I would show up and they kind of thought like, oh, okay, this guy's going to be doing the interview with me. And then at the last minute I would bring in

Michael. And so very quickly, you know, you could see people would start to panic and, and, you know, assistants and, and press handlers and stuff would be like, what the fuck is going on? Whoa. And they'd come to you and they would come to me, you know? So, so every day we were shooting, like I knew like the cops were going to get called. We were going to get shut down. I was going to get escorted out of the building. And, you know, it does like stress you out. Like you start to, you know, it does, like, stress you out. Like, you start to, you know. So, I don't know how Sasha even.

There are some people that love that. They love that confrontation. He has a weird ability to disconnect. And I think he kind of gets off on it. There was a morning after we shot and after we were shooting. And I guess it was Birmingham, Alabama. Yeah. And we had a weekend off or something, and a bunch of us were leaving.

And it was like me, Adam McKay, Will Ferrell might have even been with us, but definitely those two, Sasha, David Koechner. Dave Koechner was with us. Maybe Jack McBrayer. And we were all on a super early flight out of Birmingham to LA. Yeah. Like 6.30 AM. And well, the first thing is I went into the bathroom to take a dump in Birmingham.

No, we connected in Dallas. This was later in Dallas. I'll save the dump story. In line in Birmingham. Thank you for saving the dump story. We'll all look forward to that. Sasha Cohen starts making, like, bomb jokes. Oh, boy.

In the fucking, you know, like, in the. Airport. Yeah, like, in the line, in the security line. Yeah. And we're all like, hey, look, we get it. You're Ali G, hardy fucking hard dude but you're making bomb jokes yeah like shut up let's get on the plane shut up yeah yeah and then we we hold over in dallas and i go in you know the men's room and you know and it's in dallas it's

maybe 7 30 this is the dumb story i just gotta get. I just got to get ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. Why are you taking your shirt off? It's just hot. It's so hot. Am I the only one that's hot? But I go in. And you know, men's rooms in the morning in airports. That's the place to be. It's the place to be. Oh, they're just horrible.

I'm in there. So many old guys, by the way. Oh, I know. So many old guys. I'm in the stall. Sasha comes in and goes, Andy, Andy Richter, Andy Richter from TV's Conan O'Brien show. Is that you? Going from stall to stall, saying my full name.

Yeah. From the TV's Conan O'Brien show. Wow. Is that you? And it's like, fella, come on. Let me do my thing. We're off the clock. Let me do my thing we're off the clock let me do my thing yeah i think he might be one of those people that just likes that endless endless endless you

know um but we had i mean i had a lot of fun i you know i love working with him yeah he won't return my calls uh but then um the phone that he gave me just to call him directly was i found it was a banana oh well that's what it is yeah it's like this is the only phone that he gave me just to call him directly was, I thought it was a banana. Oh, well, that's what it is. Yeah. He's like, this is the only phone that will reach me. Here it is. It's, don't lose it. And like, it got rotten.

Yeah. Well, for sure. Yeah. If it's a banana, it's not going to make a real phone call. Yeah. Yeah. Can't you tell my love's a girl? Have you ever done like prank, any sort any sort of, like, prank show stuff?

I cannot handle them. I've done, that was like, I did a fair amount of that when I first started out in New York. And, like, I did a really shitty VH1, like, prank show. Yeah. And, you know, again, like, you're just- Besser loved doing that. Matt Besser at UCB loves doing pranks. Loves that kind of stuff.

Yeah. And, yeah, so I did a fair amount of that when I first started out. And I got arrested on one of them. I got arrested at Yankee Stadium. I've told this before, but the long story short is it was right after September 11th. Oh, funny. Yeah, hilarious time to do a prank show. Oh, good, good, good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Especially for VH1, like a great, you know, quality program. Right, right. Probably less money than what you tempt for, too. For sure. Yes, those motherfuckers. MTV.

Yeah. All those MTV shows. Any way they can scam you. Oh, working for those fuckers. Jesus Christ. Viacom. Yeah, yeah. So this prank show was like music-themed pranks, you know, for VH1.

And so, they sent me to Yankee Stadium with a Michael Jackson impersonator. And it was like two weeks after September 11th. And this is also before we knew what we now know about Michael Jackson. So, take that out of it. Right, right, right. This is back when everyone was like, yeah, Michael Jackson is cool. Right. So, but eccentric. Yes. So anyway, so I go to Yankee Stadium with Michael Jackson impersonator, who was just wearing the surgical mask, you know, and looks vaguely like Michael Jackson, but not he was like German. He didn't really speak English.

He was like, kind of me. I don't think he was black. I think he was like german he didn't really speak english he was like kind of he i don't think he was black i think he was like yeah yeah you know uh but anyway but i mean i mean enough do you think people would look at him and think that guy looks a lot like michael jackson or that's michael jackson um i think people would say i think he that's an impersonator i think people yeah i think if you saw him without the surgical mask you'd say that's an impersonator but with the surgical mask and with a glitter glove, the glitter glove is what sells it. Yeah, because, you know, if Michael Jackson went to Yankee Stadium, he'd just go with you. Yeah, he'd just show up with me. I was like his publicist or something like that.

So the producers of the show thought like, oh, it'll be really funny. You'll never even get into the stadium. You know, you'll just like get into an argument with them and you can say that, you know, you're with the king of pop and then you'll bring them out and then they'll, you know, it'll be hilarious. So, they didn't realize like, you know, at that time in New York, there was a real like openness to everyone and like a very, like, you know, after September 11th, like everyone was just laid bare. Like I remember like riding the subway and just making solid eye contact with strangers and just being like, wow, I love you, brother. So in that spirit, we go to Yankee Stadium to fuck with people.

Yeah, there's shit all over that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That goodwill. And it was the first game back after 9-11. So terrible. So it was just the worst, worst timing ever. And so we roll in there with this Michael Jackson impersonator, me as his publicist. And I'm like, hey, you know, I'm here with the king of pop.

And I wasn't allowed legally to say Michael Jackson. I was like, I'm here with an artist that you may know as the King of Pop. And he would very much like to throw out the first pitch for the game tonight. And you're just talking to security guards in front of the stadium. Talking to a security guard. And they're like, well, let's take you to the press office and you can talk to the press office. And I'm wearing those dumb hidden camera glasses that are like, you know, filming everything. And I've got like a fanny pack that it's recording into, you know. and everything. Yeah.

And I've got like a fanny pack that it's recording into, you know. So, they take me up to the press office and they, you know, introduce me to the lady and I tell the lady, you know, who runs Yankee Stadium, like, you know, what the deal is. And she's like, oh, well, let's, this sounds amazing. You know, we would love to have Michael Jackson throughout. You know, I'm like, did I say Michael Jackson? I said the king of pop, you know. But so, they called George Steinbrenner and got like the go ahead. And so they're like, yeah.

So all of a sudden this thing has gotten. This is making me want to faint. Yeah, it got. You know when you tell a lie and you think like, oh, well, nothing will come of this. And then that lie gets bigger and bigger. It was happening so fast. We couldn't get out of this. And then that lie gets bigger and bigger. It was happening so fast. We couldn't get out of it. And I just thought like, well, we, we got to just go through with it. So, so I went, so they were like, great, we're on board, go get Michael, bring them around to this secret gate and we'll

get some security guards. We'll bring them in. We'll take you guys down to the dugout. We can go out and we'll throw out the first pitch in front of everybody. The crowd will go nuts, blah, dugout. We can go out and we'll throw out the first pitch in front of everybody. The crowd will go nuts, blah, blah, blah. So I go to the limo where we have them. And it's like me, you know, another camera guy, the producer of the piece, like Michael, and then like a bodyguard or whatever. We would later be called the Jackson Five. It's important to know that there were five of us. So we go into Yankee, and they start taking us through the secret entrance, and they take us down through these tunnels, and they take us to the dugout. And all along the way, we're passing different security guards, and I can hear people say as we're walking past them, like, that looks kind of like Michael, but that ain't Michael Jackson. That ain't Michael Jackson.

That ain't Michael Jackson. So you could hear like, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh, no, this is a bad sign. This is a bad sign. And so people are starting, no one had seen him yet, you know, cause he's kind of covered up and he's wearing the outfit and he's wearing the surgical mask. So we get into the dugout, right. And we're sitting there and everyone's like, what, what are we going to do? And I'm like, we're going to fucking throw out the fucking baseball. And then we're going to fucking walk away. We're doing this, you know, like we have to get out of this now.

know fucking walk away we're doing this you know like we have to get out of this now so all of a sudden the yankees come in and they sit down joe tory derrick jeter like all these guys are looking down and they're kind of like looking at the michael jackson guy like that that looks sort of like michael jackson but what's going on oh and then um the i would have just climbed up the fence and got into the stands and run away. It was so terrible. Like, I literally was like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. So then right before we go out there, there's a camera guy on the field that comes over with, like, the stadium camera and, like, films us. So now Michael's face is up on the Jumbotron.

And you can hear the crowd kind of be like, oh, that doesn't look German. And so, we're just about to go out there. And then these big plainclothes security guards come down and they go, hey guys, we just want to go over some last minute things here. Just a couple little talking, you know, checkpoints here. Here's what we're going to do. Everybody come on out of the dugout real quick. And so they take us out of the dugout and then they separate us. And right when they separated us, I was like, we didn't get that. We didn't get our story straight. Like, you know, what are we going to say? And they started grilling us. Like, who are you? What's going on? This, this guy isn't Michael Jackson. Is he, you told us that this was Michael Jackson. And I'm just like sticking to my story.

Like, this is the king of pop. What are you talking about? This is insulting to me. You know, he's here to do you a favor, blah, blah, blah. And so, but what I didn't know is that the producer who was over here, you know, far away from me getting yelled at, she started crying and just gave it all up and said you know oh this is a prank show for vh1 blah blah blah so i said long story short i'm sorry i made this that's okay so we got it's all good quickly tackled cuffed tackled really tackled but certainly manhandled wow uh and thrown into uh yankee jail which is like you know for it's like a little dog cage for streakers.

It's under the stadium. And yelled at and screamed. I was like, okay, this will be fine. We'll just wait here and VH1 will come bail us out. So we were there for a couple hours. And it was like a Friday night. And then the next thing I hear is that we're being transferred to the Bronx County jail. So now us is, is all the Jackson five. Yeah. All five, all of us, even the woman that cried. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. So we all go to jail in the Bronx on a Friday night. And so that means you don't get out until like Monday morning. So we spent the weekend in jail for this hilarious Michael Jackson prank. Oh my God. Like just after September 11th. What did the King of Pop, what was the King of Pop like behind bars? The King of Pop, he- Did he drop the Michael act very quickly or?

He was a real hit inside in the brand. Well, at first people thought it was the real Michael. So people were like the word spread like, oh my God, Michael Jackson. And then they found out it was a fake Michael Jackson. So it backfired and he was quickly pummeled to death. No, no, no, no, but, but the jail in the Bronx, like we were in like the tank. So it was like a bunch of, right. You know, on a Friday night in the Bronx, like, uh, you know, it was like a bunch of right you know on a friday night in the bronx like uh you know it was kind of a rough crowd yeah and uh and they were like you know who why is this guy why is michael jackson here you know what is and we were like whoa whoa whoa whoa yeah this is a

it's not michael jackson guys put his pants back on put his pants back on him. Michael, wake up. Trying to revive Michael. But yeah, so we spent the weekend in jail and I was permanently banned from Yankee Stadium. I can never go back. You can never go back to Yankee Stadium. I can never go back. Yeah. But I've been back. Uh-oh. Don't tell them. I won't. I won't. They don't listen.

They don't listen to this. They don't listen to this. Yeah. But so that was my prank show experience. Oh my God. Sorry I made that so long. That this. Yeah. So that was my prank show experience. Oh, my God. Sorry I made that so long. That's all right. No, it's an awful story. Will, cut that down.

You'll edit it away. It's an awful, awful story. Well, now, when does Human Giants start? That is a very, very funny threesome. Yeah, thanks. You started as a stage group, right? Yeah, we were doing, that was like in the middle of all that ucb stuff that was like 2006 or something like that yeah so it was kind of after i'd been doing all the conan stuff for a while yeah and um had been doing you know these

vh1 and mtv you know other sort of shitty cable uh a lot of like i love the 80s yeah yeah what was the thing oh oh best week ever i did that yeah like talking head a lot of like, I love the eighties. What was the thing? Oh, oh, best week ever. I did that. Yeah. Like talking head. A lot of talking head stuff, you know, again, you know, just trying to get my face out there and, and, and get paid to be funny. And so somewhere in there we were doing, you know, we, we were all doing a ton of UCB shows. Like at that point I'd taken like a lot of classes and it was like, you know, the stage time at that point was a totally different thing where you could, you know, they were, they wanted you to put up shows. Yeah. So we were performing a lot.

Right. And so got to do that for, for a number of years. And then eventually me and Shear and Aziz were doing a show. This is, and for the people who don't know, it's you, Paul Shear, Aziz Ansari. Yeah, me, Paul Sheer and Aziz Ansari. We're doing like hosting like a standup show at UCB. And part of that was we would go out with our friend Jason Wallner and shoot like funny videos and sketches and show them in front of an audience, you know, like.

Yeah, as part of your hosting. Yeah, it's just part of our hosting stuff. And so, and that was kind of like right around the time when I think YouTube was coming around. And I feel like Dick in a Box came. There was a lot of videos that became like the first sort of viral videos were starting to happen. And so MTV was sniffing around UCB. And they were like, hey, these guys are making really funny videos. Maybe they would want to do a pilot. Well, at that time I was like fucking 30, like, like 35 or something.

Like, I was like, I'm not going to be on MTV, you know, Aziz was like 25 or something, you know, and Shears timeless. Um, but, um, but so yeah, so we got to do this pilot with our friend, um, Jason Wallner. And basically the guy that ran MTV at the time was this super awesome, nice guy who had all these reality shows like the Hills and all that stuff. But he really like was a comedy fan and was like, Oh, can you guys please just like come in and do something funny just for me, just for me, you know? So he, we, we got to do whatever we wanted basically. And it was just like a dream situation where he was, he loved all of our shit and we could literally, we, all we had to do was go in every week and pitch him sketches and make him laugh and he'd be like, yes, go shoot that. Yeah. I don't even get that one, but go shoot

that one. That sounds great. You know, he would just say yes to all of it. And so we got to just run around, um, for not a lot of money, you know, but we had, uh, our director, Jason was one of those guys that could write, shoot, edit, and, you know, just a super smart, funny guy. And so, um, yeah, so we would just all, and we, and we would get like, um, people to come in and pitch us sketches and stuff like, so we would get our friends to come in like a glazer and, you know, we stole like friends of yours, you know, uh, Andy Blitz and, uh, like Brian Posehn and Patton, guys like that would come in for like a couple of days and be like, these are just some ideas I had.

If you guys feel, you know, so people would pitch us sketches and we would flesh those out and go shoot them. And, um, yeah, so that's how we got to do that. And, and, and that one season, two seasons. Yeah. Yeah. And that really kind of, for that one season, two seasons? We did two seasons, yeah. And that really kind of, for me, and I would say for all of us, I mean, Aziz was starting to get a lot of attention, I think, doing stand-up and stuff. But for me and for Shear, I think, too, it really opened a lot of doors for all of us. And that kind of brought me out to L.A. And you guys did live gigs from that, too, right?

We did, yeah. Yeah, we did some touring stuff. Because that's almost more lucrative probably than the show. The touring stuff. Yeah. We never really did

a lot of that because I think it's hard to do like a full on sketch show when you're touring because there's like a ton of shit that you know

there's like the best way to do that is like a you know like a podcast Andy you should tour with this podcast. I know. I know. Or like you know just stand ups. Yeah., or like, you know, just standups,

you know, you just show up and you do like an hour of jokes. But so we would, we would do like some colleges and stuff like that. And, and we would do some live shows, but it was like an hour. We would do like whatever, like eight or 10 sketches, but we had all these props and costume changes. So it seemed like a lot of labor. Yeah. So it never became like a huge touring thing, but, but, but yeah, but it opened a lot of doors for us. And for me, you know, to come out here and, and have like, oh, I just did my own show on MTV. You know, it helped me get a leg up with just getting in the door with other shows. I got to do like, you know, when I first moved out here to LA, like I got to do Curb and that just like blew my mind.

Actually me and Corddry were on an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm together. And, but yeah, so, so right away from doing my own show, it kind of allowed us to step into some sitcoms and funny doing like bit parts in movies. You know, people sort of knew a little bit who we were and, and, and, and, you know, it's all just little, little steps, you know, like I got to do a thing and the other guys with, with Will and McKay and all of that. So, so, you know, and, and I was always just like wide eyed, you know, just like, oh my God, I can't believe I can't, I can't, I literally couldn't believe that I was getting to do that stuff. Yeah. And I still sort of feel like that. Yeah.

Because it is like, how could I ever do this? And when it actually sort of ends up happening, it just seems like, oh, my God, I can't. I don't know how. Yeah. I couldn't have planned that. Right, right. Oh, no. You just.

Yeah. I do think you just. I mean, there are some people that have some kind of game plan built in. Those are smart people. I know. Well, I don't know. They just, they have it. They have this like sort of built in thing or like I've had friends who just can't not be creating something all the time.

I know. And I'm like. I hate them. I hate them. I know. I'm like, I'm so happy. Like, wait, I got to check. Okay.

I guess I'll sit here. Yeah. I stare at my laptop. I'm like just fucking go go right go make be funny right computer yeah you do it computer when you when you came out here were there people trying to like build sitcoms around you and that kind of game me and me and me and wriggle had a couple deals when um Rob Riggle and I had had a two man show at UCB way back and we got to go to the Aspen Comedy Festival. And that was that might have been right before Human Giant.

And so and so out of that, we got some, you know, we got a fair amount of attention from that. And we got like a couple of like development deals where. Yeah. And that was just I mean, you know, me and Riggle would go into NBC and pitch a sitcom and it was like some sort of half-assed idea that would make us laugh, but we didn't realize like, well, we need to gear this towards like families and like whatever the NBC demographic is, you know. And the 10 people in the room who are sort of like a you know benetton commercial of types of different young people who are all all have to have an opinion yeah

about this thing and you have to sort of like and they're going to ask you what do you see how like where do you see the 10 episodes or oh yeah we haven't thought about that jeez i don't know no we thought about like the pilot. But the only thing that we were really good at is with Riggle in the room, we knew that we could make this room laugh. You go into those rooms and it's just as you described. It's like people that are sort of the comedy deciders. But they're not necessarily super funny, but they're not like they're not necessarily super funny but they're more like story people yeah and they know and they're they know like character development

and stuff that like we hadn't really thought about we're more like well and then this guy he's gonna he's got like a really big dick and uh no i mean we would never pitch that right right right but um but but but wriggle and i together uh knew that we could make these people laugh so so for a few years we had like a couple of development deals where we would get a chance to write a script and we would turn it in and they would go, great, thank you. We're not making this. Yes, yes. But, but it was nice to, these guys are funny and we like them. You also, you do figure out pretty early on, like you are giving these people a break from their day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come into your, into this office and, you know, and we got this rise wisecracker here. Yeah. I'll put on a little show for you and make you laugh and maybe tease you a little and have some fun. And then we had one time, one time it backfired on us. We thought we were like, you know, I think me and Riggle were pitching a movie and we went down to Sony and we were pitching a movie to this like big wig producer guy. And in the middle, I've never seen anything like this in the middle of the meeting, he took out his phone and just started like checking his email and like, and me and regular like doing like the whole, cause we would, I'm exaggerating, but like we would be fairly prepared.

Like we would go in there and you know, we would know what we were going to say and how we were going to, we would act out a lot of the and some setup stuff like some give and take yeah and to give them a little sample of like how this is going to be funny and how these characters are going to be funny so wriggle and are like performing this fucking pitch for this guy and he's like not even looking at us like he's just like checking his like twitter feed yeah and uh so that one didn't go well i've i was just i was developing a show with another company that we're developing a pilot for something. And I love the guy that ran the place, but he has the worst ADD ever. And we'd be sitting pitching.

It was a game show thing. And we'd be sitting there pitching on the game show, trying to figure out how to make it work. And he'd be sitting there. And me and a couple of their producers from there, and I was going to be the host. And they just brought me into the development process and he would just get up and go to the door and yell like you know what time is my meeting yeah and then you know and then just walk away and walk and then he'd walk out and i'd be like should we keep going and the guys that worked with him were like yeah just it just keep going And then he'd come back in and sit down and immediately jump in and then finish and walk out.

And it just was like, wow, I can't. Okay. Yeah. I don't know. Like, I feel like those jobs turn over a lot. Like, I feel like, I mean, I feel like a lot of those, like, big producer-y people, they have, like, a deal at a studio place for, like, a year. And then, like, they're not there. And this guy too, he would, you know, you'd,

he'd be there 30% of the time in and out kind of distracting you from focusing. And then he would say something and it'd be like, oh yeah, that's a really incisive sort of thing. Like he understood. He knew what the root level of shows and you would tell him something like whenever you told him something that was a really good like opening up like well what if we did this that opens you up in a different way he'd be like that's good do that you know he had really good taste but just no attention yeah no ability yeah and i mean he's just you know i think that's just how he works you You know, it's weird. So yeah.

Can't you tell my loves are growing? Well, now going forward now, are you still writing things? I know you're doing medical police is sort of a. Yeah, we did a spinoff of Children's Hospital. That'll come out. I don't know when this comes out. I don't know either. No one in this room knows anything. So we did. So we did. It's Hubel, right? It's Hubel. Yeah. Okay. HH. There's two H's. The

first one's silent. Oh, Dutch. But yeah, so we did, you know, several years of Children's Hospital and then those guys, Corddry and John Stern that produced it, went and pitched a spinoff of it. And so we got to do 10 episodes the first season of the show, Medical Police, which is basically just like a heightened version of Children's Hospital. So this one is like a – it's super funny and like fast and crazy and like – Are they like little 10-minute episodes? No, this is for Netflix. So it's a full half hour. Oh, wow.

Yeah. So they had to write this as like – and, you know, everything on Netflix is like, how do like little 10 minute episodes? No, this is, this is for Netflix. So it's a full half hour. Yeah. So they had to write this as like, and you know, everything on Netflix is like, how do we make this bingeable? How do we like hook people into the next one? So this one is like every episode ends with like a cliffhanger and like, oh my, the, the, I'm not giving anything away. The, the, the setup of this is like a huge, a worldwide like pandemic, like a big outbreak of something.

And these idiots from children's hospital have to like fucking solve this and like contain this virus yeah so uh me and these other doctor and aaron hayes and we have to get the whole team back together and like so we basically find where everybody is now in the children's hospital world and use their help to like save the world yeah but there's a lot of like crazy like fucking stunts and fighting and like we shot a lot of it in croatia oh wow which is where they shoot game of thrones yeah yeah and we had the crew from game of thrones which was been it was like in between seasons of game of thrones when we shot it and so we have all these like croatian people who like don't speak english and don't get at all the comedy of what we're doing.

Of what you're doing. Yeah. You know? And you know how it is like when you're shooting stuff, like a lot of times you're doing stuff like to try to make the camera guy or the sound guy laugh. Absolutely. Or at least you're trying to figure out like, this is funny, right? Right.

You know, looking at people on set and these Croatian guys were not giving it up. Yeah. They're just like smoking cigarettes and, you know, talking about assassinating people or whatever they do in Croatia. Sure. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. But yeah, so onion crop. You know, this year's onions, this year's onions are bad. This year's sesame festival. But, but yeah, so, so we shot like in Croatia to make it look like all these other European countries and stuff. And so, yeah, that was super fun. We shot that.

And then I also shot another very cool thing, but not at all comedy with Mark Ruffalo for HBO. I just shot this six episodes of like full on drama. Oh, wow. Yeah. Which was like. Is that because like doing transparent. Yeah. And I'm trying to think there was an. Oh, wow. Yeah. Which was like. Is that because like doing transparent. Yeah. And I'm trying to think there was an, oh, there was another.

I did the descendants. That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like to me. Is it intimidating?

I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like, oh, I don't know if I can. I don't know if people are going to buy this.

I know. I, every time I've ever done something that's kind of like straight. And I find it almost more embarrassing. Oh, for sure. To be earnest than it is to like have my ass hanging out. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yes. A thousand times. Like I would much rather make out with Mary and Ross. Yeah. Then say, I love you and have to seem like you mean it. Tell my daughter that, you know, I understand what you're going through, sweetheart. Right. Everybody gets their period. Right, right. I'm having mine now.

I'm having mine now. I mean, I paid someone to have it for me, but still. I'm not going to do that because that's dirty, but you should do it. Right. It's sinful. Yeah. It's based in sin. Anyway, honey.

Your body is something to be ashamed of. Blame Eve. But yeah, I think that stuff um is is very scary yeah yeah so so i kind of like trying to dip my toes in in that a little bit how do you regulate like knowing that you're doing a good job when you're like with mark ruffalo doing six episodes of a drama are you well you know luckily i feel like i you get enough feedback that you feel i feel like in in most of the stuff i've done in like transparent to it like i try to be the funny person in the drama you know what i mean or like the weirdo in the drama so i feel like i can i

can kind of get away with that i don't know that i could actually be like sweetheart it's you know uh i understand that you're pregnant but i'm I'm going to drive you to the abortion clinic today. You know, we're going to cry together. I don't know that I could do that yet, but I feel like I could be like the, you know, kind of the, the humorous guy in the drama, you know? So that's sort of where I kind of fit in, I think in the HBO thing. Like I'm kind of- Have you taken like drama, like acting classes? No, no, no, no. And I like, I like how you say like, maybe I'll get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And how do you get there?

By getting more jobs. Right, right. I think, yeah, that's the best way to learn. No, I mean, for Transparent, like we used to do, they would do this workshop with, you might know this woman who was like a, I think she's like a drama, her name is Joan Sheckle. Yes, I know about her. Yeah, from No One Chill. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we would do like this like very intense, dramatic, like it was workshop. Before we would shoot Transparent, like for the first few seasons, we would do this. But it was like, so it would be like a whole weekend. And like you would come out of there like crying. Like it was a lot of, but there was also also like it's hard to describe what we went through it was sort of like a boot camp but there was like a lot of like movement to it you know like okay let's just move around the space take your shoes off everybody get on stage move around the space and now just like take your partner and just look at them just look at them you know yeah and uh, but after like fucking 16 hours of that, you find yourself like in an emotional place with like the sound guy, you know, who's also taking this workshop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's sort of the extent of my. I think all that stuff is just to get you out of your head and make you stop thinking about how you look or how you act. It's just like relentless. And there's something about it that I feel is, it's manipulative. It is, it is. It's like, yeah, move around the space. It's like to get you to stop just like relentless. And there's something about it that I feel is it's manipulative. It is. It's like, yeah,

move around the space is to get you to stop thinking about that. But it's also kind of to get you to stop thinking about any order that you're given. Right. You know, like, like be sad now. And like,

but for me, like not having like a fallback, like acting technique, like all I kind of do is just like watch people that I think are good actors and be like, well, what is that, that person doing? Like they're just playing it super real and they're just trying to be like really real. So, so some of that stuff I will buy into like, like that bootcamp thing. It's like, well, if I fight this, I'm not going to get anything out of it, but like, it's a workshop it's for the weekend. Like we're all

in it together and do it, you know, for the sake of the going to get anything out of it. But like, it's a workshop. It's for the weekend. And we're all in it together. I'm just going to do it. And for the sake of the production, like, yeah, okay. I mean, it's not something I'd sign up for, but if I was, you know, if I was in a show like that and that's the way it was running, like, okay. And for me, it was like more of like a, it kind of bonded us, you know, because we were like, oh, we have to go through this really hard, emotional weekend of exercises and stuff.

And then like, but I felt a lot closer through this really hard emotional weekend of exercises and stuff. And then like, but I felt a lot closer to the other actors and stuff, you know. I also like too, because I relate to it so much that like, you know, you're the beginning of your, of your production career is that this outlife outdoor network where it's like, it's kind of loose. Yeah. And you know, and like, can you, can you edit things? Sure. I can. You just, it's a fake it till you make it kind of loose. Yeah. And, you know, and like, can you edit things? Sure, I can. You just, it's a fake it till you make it kind of thing. That's my whole, yeah. And you do that with acting, too.

Yeah, people always ask, like, well, how did you, what advice can you give me? You know, I don't know if people ask you that on Instagram or Twitter or something like that. Sometimes, yeah, sometimes. Yeah, they ask me, like, I'm an aspiring comedy writer, and I just feel like I don't have anything special to tell you. Yeah. I mean, other than, I mean, quite frankly, like, have a real good sense of yourself, whether you really are cut out for this, you know, like, in terms. And I mean that both in, like, can you handle the relentless rejection yeah can you can you prop yourself up and sort of separate yourself from yourself because you are personally yeah you are kind of

the product and you're the salesman and you know and if people don't want to buy the product you as the salesman can go well they just don't like the product but when the product is you it's a little more difficult to keep going yeah But also too, you got to know if you got enough talent. You have to really be able to, and I, you know, I mean, evidently I'm, I can make it in this industry because I have made it in this industry, but I, you know, I do think that there is a certain point where you have to be realistic with yourself about your ability because i have i have run into people not so much now but like earlier on when people would kind of bring material to the conan show or something and they'd kind of be like you know this is good yeah you'd have to be like it's

not yeah yeah sweetie it's not listen you know one of my first i submitted to write on conan like i think i had done a few bits and i was like i wonder if i could get a job there like writing you know and uh i was not at all ready to do that yeah i somehow knew that the right guy was jonathan groff at the time yeah yeah and and and i think i asked him and he was like, yeah, you know, here, send it to my assistant and you can email me and fill out our packet. A release first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went and like wrote a packet and it was like before I had done anything. Like I hadn't written anything.

I was not at all qualified, but he was so nice. Like he like got back. He called me. That's sort of his thing. Yeah. He called me on the phone. It was like, hey man, like, so we got your packet and yeah, there's some, there's some funny bits and stuff in here. I like this and I like this. So, you know, right now I don't think it would be a good fit for us. He said something like really

let me down easy, but he's like, but you know, I would encourage you to keep performing and keep writing and blah, blah, blah. So but you know, but back to what we're talking about, like faking it until you make it like, that's my whole life is just like, yeah, but back to what we're talking about, like faking it until you make it like that's my whole life. It's just like, yeah, like just act like you're supposed to be there until they fucking throw you out. Yeah. You know, marriage the same. My wife, my fake, fake marriage. My marriage is so fake.

No, no. But you know what I mean? Like, because like, how do you know how to be a husband? You know what I mean? Or a dad. A dad, all of it. There's no, there's, yeah. I mean, everyone, I assume everyone listening to this knows that, but like, yeah, there's

no, I used to think like, there's that illusion that like, well, there's, there's gotta be like a class that you, or like a workbook, right? Like there's nothing. No, a baby comes out and then you got to keep it alive. Yes. That's all it is. And like, and then, then I'm just like going on YouTube, Like how do I discipline a three-year-old? Yeah. Yeah. You know, how do I make right now? Our three-year-old thinks it's really funny to be naughty. Yeah. So

she, and she says like naughty, I'm naughty. And she'll take like her, she'll look you in the eye and take whatever she's drinking in a cup and pour it on the floor and be like i'm naughty and then throw the cup like across the room yeah and i'm like okay well we got like my parents would have like spanked me yep but i'm like well we don't do that anymore so i'm like well we got to go do a time out yeah and my wife is like what are we gonna do timeouts and i'm like yeah i don't fucking know what are we gonna do we'll go do a timeout so i'll take my daughter in her room this is me doing a timeout her room which she loves yeah it's full of all her shit everyone wants to leave her room i sit her down in her chair and i sit there and i go okay we have to be here for a minute and we just have to be quiet and we have to think about what we did oh no and

to her it's like delightful she's like yeah you, now she does stuff to get put into a timeout. Yeah, yeah. Because it's like, oh, I get to go and sit with daddy and be quiet. Yeah. And it's like comforting. And I'm like, we're doing this wrong. Yeah. We got to just spank her.

No, it's not spanking. You got to whip her. You end up, and it's hard. Well, because I'll be honest with you. I went into parenting. How old are your kids? My son is going to be 19 in just a minute. Oh, my God. And my daughter's hard. Well, because I'll be honest with you. I went into parenting. How old are your kids? My son is going to be 19 in just a minute. Oh, my God.

And my daughter's 14. Oh, my God. And I went into parenting having been slapped and spanked and poked and a couple times. Your parents poked you? Punched. No. Like my stepfather used to. Oh, yeah.

In the chest. In the chest. Don't you ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which was my least favorite. Oh, yeah. In the chest. In the chest. Don't you ever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which was my least favorite.

Because it hurt. Yeah. And it was, there was just something about it that was like, I honestly would have rather been spanked or slapped. Yeah. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

And I went into that thinking like, well, you know, in that same stupid, lunk-headed, they did it to me. And not like, I'm so fucking great. So whatever was done to me is the way to do it. Just more sort of like I got through it and here I am like with incredible issues about authority and, you know, frustrating rage that comes out of nowhere. Like I'm fine. I'm going to give that to my kids. Yeah. Yeah. So I started with my son, like a couple of swats, you know, never, but like a swat on the butt or something. Very, very, very quickly realized, oh, this is terrible. Yeah.

This makes me feel awful. This doesn't do anything for him except make him frightened of me. Scared of you. All this does is gets it over with quick. Yeah, yeah. The notion of you're going to be naughty and I got to figure out a way to make you not be naughty or stop doing that. Yeah. I'm pissed. I'm impatient.

I want it to end now. Yeah. And if I hurt you and you cry, it'll be over. Right. But that's all. And then your kid just knows like, well, dad sometimes will hurt you. Right. And that's not a good thing.

And also like violence is the way to solve. Yes, exactly. An issue. And violence is always a possibility. Right. Like in your bag of tools, violence is there. I mean, come on, it's useful. I mean, you don't want to use it all the time, but you know.

What I do now is I put, we boil a big pot of water and uh and then we uh we put my daughter's feet in okay so we as it's boiling as it's boiling yeah and we put you know macaroni and pasta and stuff in there or lunch you know we're foot soup we're cooking her lunch yeah so all of that is like i feel like parents or you are just winging it well you end up i mean the nuts and bolts answer is you end up withholding things that they like yeah you know videos yeah you keep this up no video today you keep this up you know what we won't go to the zoo yeah you keep this up problem with that is like you really have to like follow through you have to follow through and sometimes and you know and then there and there's sometimes where it doesn't necessarily like, okay, the video, you don't show the videos and they still keep fucking doing it.

Yeah. They up the ante and you got to be like, okay, no videos tomorrow. I mean, there was times in my children's lives where like with my son, as he got older, it was like, you're not watching TV for 14 days. Right. And we'd have to like really fucking look on the calendar. Yeah. And do it and follow through. And like, no, you know, you come home from school and like, well, enjoy the book, asshole.

Right, right, right. Because you're not watching TV because we had this deal, you know. Yeah. Well, we're starting to do a thing where we threaten our daughter with the Bobcat. We say like, okay, I'm going to call the Bobcat. The bobcat's going to get you. He's going to get you. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to drag you away. Yeah. He'll scratch your eyes out. Do you like seeing? But marriage is also like that too. Like I, you know, I didn't get married until five years ago. I'm like, I was super old. How old were you when you got married? I was 45.

I was super old. How old were you when you got married? I was 45. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'm 50. And so I was like the last one of my last friends, at least in my comedy friends, to get married. What took you? I mean, if I may ask, what do you think took you so long? I feel like I just didn't, I hadn't met the person.

Oh, okay. I mean, long and short of it, like when I was in New York, I would date people and, you know, would date people for like two years, you know. And I had a lot of those where like I would be with someone for like a couple years, but then I'd be like, well, am I going to marry this person? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was also like at that time, I mean, it's very easy to put off everything in New York. You know, I was going out a lot and performing a lot and all that.

So I never felt like a ton of time pressure, you know. But, yeah, I moved out here and met my wife through Children's Hospital. She was a friend of – a director friend of mine. And I was like, I think this is the person, you know. But to your point, like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just fucking winging it all the time. There's books and things you can read which are very helpful. What are books?

They're those things that you put glasses on. Oh. You know, that are like paper. I don't have time to do that. Oh, okay. Is it on the internet? Yeah, there are some. Can someone read it to me?

Yeah, absolutely. While I'm driving. Your daughter. Great. Give her, you know. Here you go, honey. Yeah. Well, now, we're'm driving. Your daughter. Great. Give her, you know. Here you go, honey. Yeah. Well, now, we're getting near the end here.

And I think we've covered a lot of like, you know. I did it. Where you've been, where you're going. I did it. You're just going where you're going, man. Is there any dream project? Yeah, I mean, like, I just. But it's a hustle, you know.

Like, I feel like it never. I mean, I'm sure you have people on this podcast that are on all different levels, but like, I feel like I'm at the level where I've, I'm, I'm perpetually frustrated because I feel like I want, I always want to be at that other level, which is probably an imaginary thing that doesn't, I don't think anyone's ever like, I made it. Yeah. I did it. Yeah. I don't think. I did it. I've talked about that a lot on this because the thing that gets you into doing this kind of thing is dissatisfaction. Yeah. Is this isn't enough. Whatever's around me right now isn't enough. Yeah.

And I got to, there's more out there. I need more. I need more. And it can be a really good engine in the beginning, but after a while, it makes you a miserable middle-aged person who feels like I've never looked at a sunset and felt good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just been like, eh. Isn't it terrible that you can't enjoy anything? It's like, oh, this is a beautiful moment, but it could be more beautiful.

And I'm left off in thinking, because I mean, that's definitely, I mean, I have depression. I've struggled with depression my whole life. Yeah. Really struggling with it right now. Because of me? Yes. Oh, my God. But I, you know, so there's lots of like, are other people enjoying things?

Like, I'm always like, like this notion of like, is there some sort of like prophylactic of, you know, preventing me from joy around my entire life? And I think like, maybe I'm experiencing as much joy as anyone ever experiences. And I'm just fucking myself out of it with my brain. I think that's true. And thinking, you know, I don't know. I think that's true. I try. I'm always trying, you know.

Yeah. Right now there's blood coming out of your ears. I don't know. Like think exactly. I try. I'm always trying, you know? Yeah. There's right now there's blood coming out of your ears. I don't know. Like you seem so. What? Why is why are you here, Uncle Dan? But but yeah, I mean, I find that or I try to use that sort of frustration, as you said, as an engine you know yeah oh well i just have to you know like i would love to be on some fucking uh you know network sitcom where it's a you know where i'm like the weirdo uncle or whatever yeah but like and you get paid a shitload of money and you just

yeah yeah that would be great that hasn't panned out for me so but i've been lucky in other ways where like i have you, sort of like my own little comedy mafia, you know, like I can kind of work with people like the children's hospital group who are always Corddry and I are always talking about something and trying to pitch something. And, uh, you know, they came up with this medical police thing and, uh, sheer and I are always working on stuff and like people from ucb are always wanting to do so no you have a really so i you do quality stuff with quality people so and that's fun yeah pretty fucking important yeah and so i think i just want to kind of keep hustling at that and

like do more stuff that i think is funny yeah like uh and that's a good place to be you know yeah it's hard to complain about that yeah because Yeah, because I think especially when my kids were younger, I used to think a lot more about like, how do I get a money truck to back up to my house? Right. And now I'm just kind of like, you know what? I don't know. I obviously don't know. Podcasting. Podcasting.

I mean, I make a good living, but I don't make like the fuck you money that you get if you're on a sitcom for seven years. Right. Your helicopter doesn't circle the city nonstop. You guys got to refuel. You got to get snacks. Quite seriously. I should have said airship. I said helicopter.

One of the seasons that Andy Richter controls the universe, we were at Paramount. We were on two half seasons. We were next door to Frasier. Yeah. And we were there in the gap time between Kelsey Grammer's contract where we would see his car that he'd drive to work. And then there was no longer a parking space for him because he got helicoptered in from Malibu. Shut up. Shut up. Malibu to Paramount every day.

Where did it land? I don't know. Probably on top of Children's Hospital. Probably. They were like, you know, holding up kids with fractured skulls. But is he happy? Is Kelsey Grammer happy? I doubt it.

Listen, no, he's miserable. You've got to count on the fact that he is miserable. He is miserable. No, but I mean, but that's, I mean, that's what I mean by the ridiculous. Where you can say to somebody, you're not paying for it. Yeah. In addition to all the money you want to pay me, you have to fly me to work in a helicopter. In a helicopter. Because my time is so precious.

Is that why we have so many helicopters around Hollywood? Kelsey Grammer. It's Kelsey Grammer. It's like him. Going to 7-Eleven. One of them's got his cat. Drop me off at 7-Eleven. One of them's got his cat. Drop me off at 7-Eleven. But yeah, I think that's the name of the game is to just try to do stuff.

And if you're lucky, do stuff with your friends. Make stuff that you like with your friends. Isn't that the way to do it? Absolutely. And is there anything you would have done different? Like do you look back and – I think – that's a good question. Yeah, I think I would have gotten – I would have tried all of this earlier.

I didn't really do any of this until I was like 26 or, you know, like – Do you think you needed that time, though, to get the self-assurance? Probably. Or do you think you just were naive? I think I was just too scared. Yeah, I was too scared to know what I was doing. And also, you can't control that shit. No.

So, it's sort of wasted energy to look back and go, oh, if I'd only gone to New York earlier. Yeah. Or if I'd only tried improv earlier, you know. But like, you know, there are friends of mine that just got started in this business way earlier than me. But it doesn't matter. I can't control that, you know. Yeah, yeah. So, that's the only thing.

And then, yeah, I mean, my time machine, if I could use my time machine, I'd go back and I'd say, Hitler, no. Stop it. Buddy, listen. Come here. Stop it. And then you just give him a hug. I'd give him a hug. You don't need to kill baby Hitler. Just give him a hug. I would kill

baby Hitler. You would? Yeah. Grown up Hitler, I'd be like, I'd kill. Teenage Hitler would be a tough kid to raise. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think I would use baby Hitler to kill baby Mussolini. Ooh.

Yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. A twofer. Yeah. That's always a good way to end a podcast on baby killing. But bad babies. Yeah, baby. Naughty babies. Oh, yeah oh yeah yeah the naughtiest i'm gonna i'm gonna say right now to all of podcasting i would not kill a good baby no but a hitler baby oh i'd boil his feet i'd kill that fucker every day i'd boil his feet in a foot soup all day long and then i'd drink. I'd drink it right down. Thank you.

We did it. Rob, we sure did. Thanks for having me. We changed podcasting once again. How are the ratings on this podcast? It's live, right? Oh, I got a thumbs up. Oh, great.

They got a call from Nielsen? The Nielsen company? They got a call. Kelsey Grammer wants to be next. Oh, wow. So we got to finish this up. He's choppering in now. He's on a ladder. He's on a rope ladder on the roof hello

coming down here i come by the way these are terrible kelsey grammar impersonations if you met him you'd sound exactly like that hello um i did see him once in chicago and i know we're leaving we're ending here uh this is like me at the end of my shrink session like I know I know I gotta go but one last thing can I just yeah yeah yeah yeah whatever you I'm sad all the time but anyway uh no Kelsey I was in Chicago once visiting my family and he was there shooting a show and where where my hotel was was where he because I saw him like three times yeah walking a dachshund and Kelsey Grammer. And it was like be early in the morning. Cause I think we're doing a Conan show or something and it would be early in the morning and he would be walking and he had this big

smile on his, like Kelsey Grammer kind of smile on his face. And it's just him and me on the block with his dachshund. And he's not looking at me, but he just, I think he just has his face at rest now over time he's just decided it's going to be a big smile yeah yeah yeah that's just a fuck you to everybody the other good kelsey graver thing is last time he was on the conan show we give out cans of um the popcorn the the one from chicago i can't think of the name garrett's popcorn yeah the combo of the cheese corn and the caramel corn. Yeah.

And the last time he came on, I looked and his index finger, middle finger, and thumb were completely orange. He was sitting on the couch? On the show. Oh, my God. With his finger orange. And we went to a commercial break and came back and I didn't say a word. I bet you wanted to suck those fingers. I just wanted to suck those fingers.

Yeah, cheesy goodness. And probably a little bit of the sweetness, which was there, but invisible to the naked eye. I've got a wound on my finger. Don't lick my wound. Keep smiling, Kelsey Lynn. Let me have those fingers. Hey, thanks for listening to the three questions. Tune back if you want to hear more sick shit like this.

Bye. Tune back if you want to hear more sick shit like this Bye Take love for you The Three Questions with Andy Richter Is a Team Coco and Earwolf production It's produced by me, Kevin Bartelt Executive produced by Adam Sachs And Jeff Ross at Team Coco

And Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair Associate produced by Jen Samples And Galit Zahayek And engineered by Will Becton. And if you haven't already, make sure to rate and review The Three Questions with Andy Richter on Apple Podcasts. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.