The Three Questions with Andy Richter - Rob Huebel: Weird Job Interviews (The Andy Richter Call-In Show)

Episode Date: January 24, 2025

Comedian Rob Huebel (The League, Childrens Hospital, Human Giant) joins The Andy Richter Call-In Show this week to hear weird job interview stories! In this episode of Andy’s weekly SiriusXM radio show, callers share tales about eccentric hiring managers, a terrible (or genius?) interview answer, the exact dollar amount you would sell your soul for, and much more.Want to call in? Fill out our Google Form at BIT.LY/CALLANDYRICHTER or dial 855-266-2604.This episode previously aired on SiriusXM’s Conan O’Brien Radio (ch. 104). If you’d like to hear these episodes in advance, new episodes premiere exclusively for SiriusXM subscribers on Conan O’Brien Radio and the SiriusXM app every Wednesday at 4pm ET/1pm PT.

Conan O'Brien Radio! Conan O'Brien Radio! Hello! Andy Richter here. Which is good, because this next hour is the Andy Richter Collins show, so it's a good thing I'm here, because if I wasn't, it would just be dead air. Or this hot jazz tune going over and over. This hot public domain jazz tune going over and over. Anyhow, hi, everybody. It's good to be here. Good to be off the streets for a moment.

It's been a weird time here in LA, which is why I'm very happy to have Rob Hubel here to help keep it normal. That's a lot of pressure. Yeah, yeah. Rob Hubel, you know him from the league, Human Giant, Children's Hospital, Transparent, The Sex Lives of College Girls.

Wow. Entertainment Weekly called him the premier D-bag Sex Lives of College Girls. Wow. Entertainment Weekly called him the premier D-bag character actor of his generation. How dare, how dare they? Did you know that? I did know that, yeah. And the D is, you know, that's for douche. Can we say douche on this channel?

We can't fuck it. This is a douche channel. I'm actually going to douche at the halfway point. I was very offended by that blurb from Entertainment Weekly only because I have, you know, I have a child. Right. And she'll eventually learn how to read, you know, not right now. But eventually, when she's like a teenager in her 20s.

And she'll read that and she'll say, you know, I don't like that. But eventually she'll be able to understand the concept of what a douchebag is. I think so. She'll watch your filmography and go, oh, right. Yeah, I think so. Although she comes from a long line of people that don't, my mom never got the term douchebag. She never understood that.

When I first moved to LA, Paul Sheer and I, a buddy of mine who you know very well, we were doing a show called Sheer and Hubel are LA douchebags. Cause we just moved here and we thought, well that'll be funny. And my mom found out about it. She didn't really go on the internet, but one of her nosy neighbors printed this.

Isn't that great? Don't you love it when they snitch on you? Yeah, this woman would snitch on me all the time. So she told my mom that I was doing this show called, Hubel and Sheer are LA douchebags. And my mom called me on my telephone. This is back when you called people on your phones and she was so upset, very upset about that.

So anyway, hopefully my daughter will get it. Yeah, my, early in the podcasting days, I've told this before, I was on Mark Maron, WTF, with Mark Maron. Name dropper, wow. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we're like a minute into the show. It'll keep happening, you know.

But it was early enough that I was like, I didn't even fucking know what a podcast was that much. You know? So I went on there and I was very frank about my family. Still dumb enough to not know, like, cause I thought like, there's no fucking way they're gonna, they wouldn't even know how to access things. Yes.

Somebody emails a link to my dad. No. Like they think like, oh, he'll want to hear this. Don't do that. He'll want to hear this painfully. And my father and I have not spoken for years and years. I didn't know that. Yeah, yeah.

So I mean. That's a whole other podcast. Yes, it is. It's a, it'll be a boring one. Cause boring one, because it'll be me a lot going, I don't want to say that. And also, your dad won't be on there. So it'll be real short. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, and then my mom, and then of course,

he forwarded it to my mom. So the next time my mom was home, or visiting, she's like, I want to talk to you It's the worst when you're an adult and you're still getting in trouble with your parents. Yes So if you're listening to this adults, yeah, just know you can still get in trouble with your parents Yes, but the parents have to know and I told this to my mother Maybe you should have thought about that a long time ago. You don't like me telling tales? Maybe you should have changed the way the tales were happened. Oh, wow.

Well, yeah. You know? Yeah, I mean, I guess. I can say, you know, you have kids, I have kids, I have a kid. I don't live my life, like I don't go around thinking like, oh, I can't say that because what if she tells everybody on a TV show or a podcast, you know? Right. Although there are, there's a lot of things that I think about, and I'm just talking about this

the other day. There's a lot of stuff that like, the minute I became a parent, I was like, oh my God, why did they do that? Oh yeah. Why did they tell me that? Oh yeah. That was totally inappropriate that I saw that,

heard that, knew that. Oh yeah, my mom told me when I was little that if I chewed my fingernails, they would grow out of my stomach. So that like, you know, you would have fingernails growing out of your stomach. And that is something out of a horror movie. Like, I mean, it really fucked with me.

Yeah, yeah. I was thinking about it this morning. I'm fucked up because of that. Here's a fun one. My father once casually said, it was very rare that your mother and I didn't have simultaneous orgasms. Jeez. Your dad said that?

Yeah. That's also off. Like very casually, which, hey, it's bullshit. It's absolute fucking bullshit. It's medically impossible. No fucking way, Dad. You know? Wow.

Yeah, yeah. Why would he ever say that? I just, you know. Oh, that's worse than the fingernail thing. But there was a lot of that, kind of. You know, like just a little bit of oversharing. Wow. You know, not anything that like, like nobody was fucking in front of me or anything. Right. But just a little bit of oversharing. Wow. Not anything that like,

like nobody was fucking in front of me or anything, but just like a lot of real casual stuff about, you know, like, just stuff that I didn't need to know. Your mom, she's a real slut, you know that, right? Like, jeez. Your mom's into ass play. I don't mean into it, I mean like she lives for it. She's really into it.

There she goes, hey, you little butt slut. How about a cup of coffee? Wow. Oh, dear. Well, anyway, today's show on the Andy Richter calling show, which you can be a part of. How do people become a part of the show? They dial in to 855-266-2604.

You're talking about using your cell phone to call people? Or a landline. I don't care. If you can find a phone booth. Just get to a phone booth, get to a page phone. Or if you have some sort of Skype dialing. It doesn't matter. But our topic today is job interview stories.

Wow. Which for us, we could also be audition stories for us. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. So do you have any, you know? I got both, man. When I first moved to New York, I moved to New York on a whim,

and I was really wanting to be in this business before I knew how terrible it was. You mean the live-in call show on a satellite radio? The call-in show, Hustle. Where we talk about our parents' orgasms. Yeah, and you make all this sweet, sweet call-in money. But I really wanted to get into entertainment, and I didn't know how to do it.

I had no experience at all. I just moved to New York, and I read about this new cable channel that was coming together, and it was called, at that time, it was called the Outdoor Life Network. They're not around, but it was all like, you know, hunting and fishing but also like skiing and kayaking

and I was like, yeah dude, I wanna work for them. So I found out who the head guy was and it had just been announced that they were even like starting the company. They hadn't hired anybody except for this like one guy. And I found out where his office was and I did the most psychotic thing. I mean, also I was like 25.

I took my resume, which I had worked at not many places. But I- His nose. Yeah, exactly. And I laminated my resume. And then I got a large pizza, a cheese pizza, and I put it inside the pizza box. And I went to this building in Manhattan,

and I said, I have a pizza delivery for this guy. Yeah. Because I knew his name from somewhere. I bet his first name was Trey. I bet it was Trey. Of course, it was probably like Troy. Yeah, yeah. Um, so they go, sure. you know, that no one questioned me,

you know, at all. This was pre-911. And so they said, sure, he's on the, you know, the 10th floor. So I went up and I walked into his office, literally walked into this guy's office. And I said, hey, I got a pizza for you. And he was like, oh, okay.

And I thought like, this is great. What a fucking idiot. And he took the pizza and I said, okay, you know, hey, I'll see you later. And I thought he's gonna get a real surprise when he opens this piece and he finds my resume. And he did, he fucking called me like a half hour later and he was like, hey, I don't know you,

but I'm putting together this network, obviously you wanna be a part of it so badly that you stalked me. And so he hired me, I got a job as a production assistant and that was like my first job, kind of like my first little foot in the door in the entertainment or the production business. Yeah, cause usually that kind of, because I remember.

Or don't try it, yeah, you'll get tasered. Absolutely. Although it would have been good if you said like, it's a good thing you called because the antidote to the poison in the pizza is something you're going to need in the next 10 minutes. The ricin should be taking effect by now. When I was in film school, I had teachers,

and supposedly we were being taught by professionals, and then as you're into it, and then a little bit after you realize, oh, kinda. Why would he be teaching at a film school if he was such a successful? And they knew what they were talking about, but it was like, it's Chicago.

It's like, you know, it's like, to work in the film business in Chicago is somewhat limiting, you know, or limited. I would argue that I think film school is kind of a scam anyway. I mean, whatever, whatever. Yes and no. I mean, because I did learn technical things, and it did give me access to working on sets.

That's true, yeah. You know, in commercials and stuff, and then it just, you know, it builds from there. But they did say things like, I had teachers that would say things like, if you're stuff, and then it just, you know, it builds from there. But they did say things like, I had teachers that would say things like, if you're waiting tables and you see somebody that you know is a producer, like, give them your resume.

The worst thing they can do is say no. And then, and I would hear it and go, oh, okay, but never would I have had the nerve to do something like that. But then later when I was starting to work, I was like, no, there's a lot worse they can do than say no. They can remember you and go, fuck that kid.

This is fucking idiot. Yeah, no fucking way. For sure, yeah, it's something I don't recommend. It worked for me at the time. Again, it was pre-9-11, we were a different country where we were still like, you know, we liked each other. You could deliver pizza wherever you wanted.

Yeah, you could give strangers food and they would eat it. Yeah, yeah. You know, that doesn whatever you want. Yeah, you could give strangers food, and they would eat it. Yeah, yeah You know that doesn't happen anymore That is it is like I somebody brought a pizza to me. Just like like hey. Here's a pizza Listen I have a long history of delivering mysterious things that have not been ordered Can't take one of the thing real quick of course you can this is how old I am You have to be you have to be my age to get this story. OK, do you remember the name?

OK, I used to deliver flowers in high school because I thought it would be a great way to meet girls. That's how dumb I am. You got the job. You weren't just delivering them freelance. You had a job. No, I had a job. You weren't just delivering them freelance. You had a job. No, I had a job. I was authorized to deliver flowers

that had been purchased by someone else. Yes. Presumably their boyfriends. I did not know that. They would be like, I wish it wasn't him that brought their, that delivered, that brought these. That's what I thought.

I really thought. I thought it was gonna lead to like so much sex. I thought like, oh man. Oh man. I'm gonna meet some, I'm gonna be giving them flowers, bro. They're gonna love me. Why don't you put those in a vase so your hands are free. So, once, one time, there was a woman

who was very famous for a brief amount of time. Her name was Fawn Hall. Oh yeah, Gary Hart. Yeah, this was during the Oliver North. This was the Oliver North, Iran, Contra. But wasn't she a Gary Hart? It was around the same time. But I thought she was like Gary Hart's girlfriend.

No, that was a different woman. Maybe I'm conflating it. That was a different woman. Yeah, I'm spacing on her name. But so Fawn Hall was the secretary for a guy in the army named Oliver North who was caught up in this big government scandal when we were-

Iran-Contra stuff. Iran-Contra, yeah, we were selling arms to the Contras, which is all, Google it. So Fon Hall, in my mind at that time, I thought, this is a hot lady, this is a hot lady. And then I somehow found out, someone told me that she went to our high school. I grew up in Virginia, in Northern Virginia. And someone said told me that she went to our high school. I grew up in Virginia, in Northern Virginia.

And someone said, yeah, she went to our high school like a while ago, she's like super hot. And I was like, I gotta deliver her flowers from me. So this is the height of her notoriety. And I found out there was a way at flower stores where you back, they had this like guide where you could look up anyone's address and it would just have your name and your address,

you know, so dangerous. Yes, of course. Had everyone's name and their home address in this book that was available to florists. It's called the Ted Bundy pages. Yes, I'm surprised that Ted Bundy didn't also deliver flowers. So I got her home address, or her parents' address.

Someone said, yeah, she's like, there's two, the media's chasing her, she's like at her parents' house. That's what I heard, bro. And I was like, okay, bro, I'm gonna check that out. I like that this is a grapevine of stalking poor Fawn Hall. So I found out where her parents lived, which was not far from my house. I sent Fawn Hall flowers from me.

So I go up, ring the doorbell, and I'm like, hi, is Fawn here? And they're like, uh. Her dad's like, um. Trying to see if I'm like a murderer, but you know, I'm like 17, 16. But old enough to know better. Her dad's like, uh.

And isn't she like in her mid 20s? She's way older than me. At this time, yeah, she's probably like in her 30s. Yeah, you know to me. She's like a right secretary sure and Her dad is like a fawn Fawn comes out like looking completely traumatized and she just lights up. She's like, oh my god. Somebody sent me flowers That's so sweet. I can't believe it. Let me see who it's from. And I think I wrote a card like, hey, these are from me, smiley face, or something, you know, heart.

And she looked at the card, looked at me, and she's like, these are from you? And I was like, yeah. And she was like, well, thank you, thank you, that's so nice. And then very quickly, like, her dad, her dad hustled her out of there. You know, and rightly so. Yes, but all I wanted to do was meet someone famous.

She was at that time so famous, and I was like, she lives in our neighborhood. Her dad, I'm gonna, so point is, if you ever want me to deliver something to anyone. You have experience. I have tons of experience. Of awkward... Awkward exchanges that could lead to job opportunities or perhaps getting killed by... Yeah, or tazing.

Yeah, yeah. Tazed several times. Well let's go to the phones. That's the idea here. If you want to call us, it's 855-266-2604. We're calling Job Interview Stories, is what we're looking for. Our first caller, we got Mitch from Georgia.

Hey, how you doing? I'm good. We got Rob Hubel, you got Andy Richter. And we wanna hear about your story. Go for it, buddy. Okay, but first, Donna Rice, is the one that hear about your story. Go for it, buddy. OK, but first, Donna Rice is the one that's been done very hard. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. From South Carolina. Yeah, yeah. I was hoping my researchers would find that, but they didn't. No, these researchers are insane. They brought up a bunch of Fawn Hall pictures for us to look at. So I'm rock fucking hard right now. Super hard.

And I can attest to that. You are very hard. And, uh. I can attest to that. You are very hard. I am hard. It's actually, it's interfering with the equipment. Mitch, what do you got for us? It's something about computers I hear. Yeah, I'm a software developer. In the mid 90s, I was looking for a new job,

and my recruiter sent me to a TV network. The job sounded great. The bosses were two women who were kind of a tag team. The developers were all dudes. I liked the dynamic. I liked the work. It was exciting. So they take me to lunch, just the developers, at this little Italian restaurant. And, you know, it's the mid-90 90s the internet hadn't been around that long people were still trying to figure out what to do with it yeah and they they had prepared some questions you know just to say ask while we're eating

and one of them says to me what's your favorite thing about the internet and I don't know the adrenaline's flowing I like to think I'm funny I didn't want to be boring yeah of course I said downloading porn oh boy how'd that go over they loved it I mean died laughing laughter you know it was the 90s yeah it was the nineties. Good for them. Yeah. It was the nineties. You could still do that stuff. Yeah. So, it's overall laughing. Everything's great.

I head off to the airport, feeling good about it. Until the next morning when the recruiter calls me and he sounds all shaky and pale. He sounded pale. He sounded pale. Yeah. He said, I've never had this happen before.

I don't know what to do. Apparently you told these people you like to download porn off the internet. I thought he was going to cry. And I said, well, there's context. But you know, when you have to say there's context, it never helps. Right. Sure. Right. Sure. Yeah.

So it wasn't enough that he told me they passed. They had to call me themselves and tell me they passed on. They could. What? Because apparently what happened with the developer. Yeah, the developers go back to the office and they die in laughter. And they're like, we love this guy. You got to hire him.

He's, he's a good ship. He's hilarious. And like, well, it was so funny. And they're like, uh, and the so funny. And they're like, uh. And the boss is like, no, really, what was the joke? And I go, uh. And so they tell him, and of course that didn't work. Oh man.

Well. Man. So they call me to tell me, you know, how bad my judgment was. Well, did they say it like, we wanted to, was it the person that wanted to hire you or was it the person that was to hire you it was the person that was like That's not cool The person who said that's not cool

Manager so like we just wanted to call you. It wasn't enough that we told the recruiter to fire you We want to fire you personally Double firing. Yeah Wow, and you know that they were downloading porn too. They were they loved it. Yeah And you know that they were downloading porn too. They loved it. Yeah. I thought it was a great job. No. So I got the job.

What? What? How did that happen? Yeah. So like for two months, the recruiter was sending me all these dog crap jobs, like software for collection agencies and arms dealers, just the worst stuff.

And evidently, the network, they'd have these meetings and they'd say, well, who do we want for the development lead? And the developers would go, we really like porn guy. And the managers would say, we're not hiring porn guy, pick someone else. And the developers just wouldn't back down. And so like two minutes later, I got a call back again from Luke Reader, something all shaky shake you and pale he's like this this also has never happened before. But they want to make you an offer. Yeah Wow.

Sexpositive.com wants to hire you. Pornhub said hey. Wow and do you still work for those people or? No no. What was the experience working for them like? Wow, when that and do you still work for those people or no? No, what was the experience working for them like? Oh, I love it. Oh, okay I don't know if you guys that work for a TV network. Yeah, they had more money than God. Oh Yeah, they used and yeah Yeah. Yeah, used to. Not this long.

They were very funny, I have to explain to you. Yeah. It was a fun time. Sounds like you've worked for TBS. You must have worked for TBS in Atlanta. In Georgia, if you worked in television. Oh yeah, you must have worked for somebody Turner related. Yeah.

You can say it, it doesn't matter. They're not gonna hear this. It's okay. Obviously your hesitation speaks volumes. It was Turner management, but it was after the merger, so it was really time-worn. Oh, okay. Gotcha.

Well, good story, it worked out. They're on their way right now to your house. We've traced this call. It worked out. Did they still, at your other jobs, did they call you the porn guy at your other jobs? No, they probably will now, but no. You should get a jacket with it embroidered on it.

Satin, preferably. All right, Mitchell, thanks for the call, I don't know, but no. Yeah. You should get a jacket with it embroidered on. Yeah. Satin preferably. All right, Mitchell, thanks for the call and thank you for your honesty. Yeah, it's important to be honest. Job interviews are tough, man. It's a real pressure cooker situation. It is.

And there's some questions that they throw at you where you're like, oh, I wasn't prepared for that one. Yeah. I mean, I haven't, mine are, you know,, I wasn't prepared for that one. Yeah. I mean, I haven't, mine are, you know, like, they're so specific in show business. Yeah. But did you, did you, you had, you've had regular jobs, right, before?

Have you always been in show business? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. You were born into the business? I was born into show business. No, but I mean, I've worked in show business long enough. And I mean, I've had, like, obviously, think, you know, like, go to the fucking game show network and put on a fake game show in their conference room

for them to only hear like, no, we're not going to do that. Which just really feels like, it really just feels like jerking off in front of old men. And then they're being like, no. I'll just take my visual aids and head on out then. Goodbye, no, that was not good. The way that you came all the way over here two mornings in a row and did a fake game show for us.

Yeah. No. Not good. Yeah. Not good at all. But no, I am, but yeah, auditions are, they're humiliating. They're a different kind of humiliating

because it's not just, you know. Oh, it's not like, there's no excuse when you don't get an acting. It's literally like, we're rejecting you. Oh yeah. Your face, your body, your hair, your skin. Like you. Your essence. Your essence is what we do not like.

We would like someone different than you. And you can tell, a lot of times, when you walk through the door, you can see the no on their faces. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the worst is when you're waiting outside to go in and the guy ahead of you is in there and he's killing it. I've done that a million times.

I've been waiting to go in for some sitcom thing and then right in front of me is whoever, Bob Odenkirk, you're just killing them. And I'm like, fuck. And then he goes, okay, see, you know, he's like high-fiving them on the way out the door. And then I go in there and they're like, oh, this guy. Yeah.

I read once for Ivan Reitman, it was a movie called My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Yeah, I auditioned for that. Did you? Yeah. Glad I didn't get it. And I, yeah, and I mean, and ited for that. Did you? Yeah. Glad I didn't get it. And I, yeah, and I mean, and it was not good. No, not at all.

It was not a good script. And I was of course playing like the friend, like I always do or always, you know. And I read the scene with him and it was just him and he could not have acted less like exhausted and bored from the get-go. Oh yeah. From like, oh hey, what's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I read it and then he said to me, after I was done, he went, okay, let's do it again, but don't do that comedy thing you're doing. Oh my God, don't make it funny. Stop trying to be funny for this sitcom. Hey man, this, I don't know how you- It's a comedy movie, stop being funny. I don't know how you- It's a comedy movie, stop being funny.

I don't know how you would read this shitty dialogue, but man, I was reading it the way that it's written, so, you know, if you, it's just, sorry, okay. Auditions are tough. Well, someone else has a real work. Right, exactly, Kelly. Yes, I'm here. All right, thank you for holding.

Yeah, no problem. All right, so this was just last year, I'm here. All right. Thank you for holding. Yeah, no problem. All right. So this was just last year I'm in LA and This was an interview in Beverly Hills and I should have known like when I first went in I went in for the interview It was a one o'clock interview and It was really strange. I'm sitting there in It was really strange. I'm sitting there in Like the waiting area and they have a literal like full life-size Dummy of an old lady sitting in the chair in the corner. Oh my god. And so yeah, so I was like, oh

like that's my destiny or You know like am I am I taking here I won't be taking her place But it was odd and so then they tell me, oh, okay, well, the computers are down and so it'll be a while. And so they're like dealing with that. I was like, oh, all right, well, how long? And they're like, well, we don't know, we don't know. So I waited a half hour and then I bailed. I said, listen, I have other appointments.

You're not giving me a timeline. Oh no Oh no, no, we're so sorry. They apologize profusely. I figured, all right, I dodged the bullet. And, uh, but they called me back. And so then I knew it was like, uh, oh, maybe, you know, something's up. They call, please come back. So I'd go back and I meet with the guy who originally brings me in and HR. And so they're basically selling me the job and It's it's nothing fancy. It's like they make plastic cases for like Awards and things like that like composite plastic. So anyway, I was just like whatever

so they're basically telling me the job and tell me how great it is and this and that and then the owner walks in and sits down. As soon as the owner walks in, the guy who had brought me in originally is has this concern look looking at me like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry already. So I was like, Oh no, what's going on? So he comes in and he's like, Okay, so first of all, just let you know this, uh, this whole room will be sanitized from floor to ceiling. Once you leave this room. And so I was like, damn, I mean, I was dressed nice. I showered, right? It doesn't mean they're going to sanitize the whole office because of you. Well, yeah, I was, he's like, this is the environment.

And so then he goes into asking me like, Oh, your desk would be inspected. There are certain things you have to have in a certain places. And then he tells me, um, he asked me if I made my bed this morning. And what the fuck? Of course I'm in interview mode, right? What's the right answer? What's the right answer? Is it yes or no? I don't know. psycho. Of course, I'm in interview mode, right? What's the right answer? What's the right answer?

Is it yes or no? I don't know. Right? And so I answered truthfully, yes, right? Your mom always tells you, make your friends in the morning because if you die right during the day, then they won't judge you

when they come to find out about whatever. That's the only reason. That's the only reason to make your baby. That's the only reason, yes. Don't bring to make your baby. That's the only reason, yes. Don't bring shame on the family. So he asked if I made my bed in the morning. I was like, yes, I did. Very good, very good.

So that was a good answer. That's what we were going for. Then he's like, and the whole time, by the way, HR and the guy who brought me in originally are looking at me like, again, begging forgiveness with their eyes, begging forgiveness. Like, Oh, my gosh, please don't leave, please don't leave. So then he's like, okay, let's ask you the math question. And I'm like, Oh boy, all right, here we go. Getting serious now. And literally he says to me,

seven times eight. I had to take a moment, right? I'm like, this is a joke, this can't be real. You know? And so I say, 56, right? And then he says to me, no, that's wrong. And so now right now I know you guys are doing it in your head too, cause that's what I did. And I was like, wait, I know it's 56, right? I know you guys are doing it in your head too because that's what I do I'm still like wait, I know

And he tells me no and then I was like again, okay, what do you do here? Do I challenge this guy and I was like no it that's it's 56 and he's like, okay I was just testing you I was just testing you. I was like, okay Then we got on to bathroom etiquette and the expectation of the bathroom in the interview yeah this was his line of questioning besides the math question there was nothing about the job performance my knowledge my experience nothing what you would actually be expected to do in the job. Right. Well, expected to be clean.

Right. Cleanly clean. I know, but I mean, but that, they don't just pay you to be clean, you know? Right, right. Well, that was- In a bordello, perhaps. Yeah, I don't think it was concerned with that.

I think it was more concerned, you know? But yeah, it was, I really, they did not tell me anything that I would be doing. And you could see that these two people were like, in like fear of this guy. And, um, and so anyway, the bathroom etiquette, let me get to that. So the bathroom, here's the expectations. So when you go into the restroom, there should, when you leave the restroom, so sorry, um, you should only be doing one thing first of all, the second thing you do at home. And so you can't take a shit during the day.

And that's number one. Yes. Actually, I'm on board with that. I am on board with that. I think, yeah, of course. You cannot control that. That's insane. That is insane.

Is he gonna let you go home? Like it's like, hey, look, I gotta, I gotta drive the hour home and back. Exactly. Um, yeah. And you know, I'm really surprised though, he did not get into monthly visitations. So I was pretty like impressed, like, oh, okay,. We're not gonna go there. You mean Menstruation correct. Yes. Yes. Okay. So yeah, so maybe that was later. Maybe that would have been the second interview. I'm not sure but That's when he gets to know you better. Yeah. Yeah, that's when it all you know comes out That's the important stuff But but he's like in the bathroom though when you leave the bathroom Oh, first of all, you can only do one thing and then that not one droplet of water should be on any

surface whatsoever and it will be checked and so I kind of was like and it will be checked is where okay time to leave. I would be out of there. Yeah. So what happened? Did you just run? Yeah, I basically ran. Not basically, I did run. I said, oh, thank you. And the guy again, who brought me in initially, he's looking at me and just was like, oh, I'm so sorry. Like, I mean, like, like he was disappointed knowing he'll never see me or talk to me again. And that it was just completely over. He's alone and he'll be suffering by himself and that's it. So yeah, I left.

Of course they called me back immediately, the HR person to offer me a job. And I just told them I'm not, no thank you. I'm not interested. Oh my God, yeah. Wow. That's crazy. Yeah, so I mean, you know, it's really crazy that, I mean, I've never encountered in my

interviews at all anything like that. I mean, it was just unbelievable. And I couldn't even imagine working there what that would have been like. Yeah. But I'm still in the job market. So if you know, I'm very clean. Oh, yeah. I wash myself, I make my bed.

That's great, yeah. You gotta make your bed, you gotta take a shower. She's old, no droplets, Kelly. That's what she's known as. Nope, nope. Super clean. I know how to behave. Kelly keeps it clean.

Well, thanks for calling. Yeah, thank you, Kelly. And good luck in your job search. Alrighty. Thank you. Kelly. And good luck in your job search. Alrighty. Thank you, guys. Bye-bye. Man, the plastic trophy company or plastic awards. That's, it's pervy.

They're not in business anymore. They can't be. No, that guy's an OCD nightmare. Right, right, right. I mean, that is, whoa. That's crazy. Well, and also it seems to be like actionable. And totally.

You know what I mean? Totally. There are a lot of lawyers that listen to the show that are chomping at the day. That's crazy. Well, and also it seems to be actionable. Totally, totally. There are a lot of lawyers that listen to the show that are chomping at it. Well, that guy's, I mean, somebody could take that job and then sue the shit out of him for all the weird sort of like bathroom. Like you can't follow someone after they've been in the bathroom.

Oh my God, what a nightmare. By the way, we are sending people into the bathroom after you. What? Yeah, yeah. I was just in there. Someone went in there to check. Yeah, I got some droplets.

Go check it. Oh no. Go check it. There's droplets everywhere. Droplets. Tony, Minneapolis. Yo, Andy. Yo, Rob, can you hear me?

What's up, buddy? How are you doing? What do you got for us? You got a nightmare job interview? Oh, actually, I am one of the leftover folks from last week from your wild card episode Oh, he's got his own No, that's all right, that's our whenever we say wild card episode Oh, yeah. I tried to play Mary Had a Little Lamb for you on it. No, that's our Whenever We Say Wild Card episode.

I love it. Because wild cards, those are topic-free questions. Oh, I gotcha. And we're always open for them. I wouldn't say those words anymore, just because it slows the show down. Wild card? Don't say it. Nah, listen.

Alright man. We get that that that sound effect is free. Okay. Like so we can use it as much as we want. It's royalty free. Yeah yeah. So Tony. Tony tell us. What's your deal? What's what's up? Yeah so I called in last week but I very recently started up a Conan O'Brien fan book club. I'm sorry. Oh no. Yeah, I am too. I'm surprised at how many folks that like him are actually literate, but it's been good. Yeah.

Now is it specifically, is it just Conan fans reading books on any topic or are you just reading Conan related books? Because I think at a certain point you're going to run out of steam. I would say quickly. I mean, how many books are about Conan? That would be miserable, frankly. There are a couple. Two?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So The Late Shift? Yes. Yeah. And that's it. No, we are mostly reading stuff that he's talked about on his show or has been featured or authors that

have been on there. Oh, cool. So we're currently reading through the Robert Caro series of Lyndon B. Johnson biographies that he won't shut up about. He's a super history nerd. Yeah, he's like, he really does, like he has an oppressive level of knowledge

about American presidents. Yeah, well, okay. How's that working out? That's well, it's, no, he just will really tell you all you need to know about virtually any of the things. I'm fine, I don't need that information. Well, don't ask. Okay, I won't.

Don't ask, because he will tell you. Even if you say, yes, no, I know, he'll say, oh, but you don't know, and then he'll tell you more things that you already know Wow Yeah, so Tony you guys are reading these books and did you have a question about those books or this is more of a statement I have more have a question about just like books in general I wanted to especially because Andy is so close to Conan Yes, see if he's ever taken a book recommendation that Conan has given him to heart and actually enjoyed it?

Or if Andy had himself any books that he would like to just recommend in a book club situation? Great question. Golly. By the way, great name for a book club, the book club situation. Oh yeah. You know? Oh God. Well, he, I've actually recommended books to him More recently and one of the I can't think of the there was Sean. Maybe you can Google this

It's a book about a guy that was faking being a French doctor. Ooh and then he murdered to cover up his This is a this is a it that's that that's it. It's fiction or it's real? It's a book. There's a book of that. A fictional, Adversary. A fictional book.

The Adversary. A made up story or a true story. No, it's a real true story. What? By a French journalist about a guy who faked his existence as a surgeon. Whoa. And then murdered his entire family.

The adversary. To get a, to cover up his lies. Wow. It is bananas. Why didn't he just go to medical school? Let's just go. He started in medical school, but he was such like a- Dummy. Such a weirdo.

Yeah. That he was like too depressed. They kicked him out. Yeah. And he said, well, I'll still be a doctor. I'm still gonna be a doctor. Yeah. Wow.

That's a really good one. So Tony, enjoy the adversary. And so I told Conan about that one. Conan will tell me about, we'll tell each other things about, like he recommended to me the documentary series about the Grey's Anatomy writer who was a complete fraud, which is on right now.

I can't remember. You guys really love these fraud. It's called Anatomy of Lies. Wow. Both of you guys are obsessed with fraudsters. Liars! Yeah, liars and fraudsters. Liars and fraud.

I love them. I don't know, I'm not familiar with this story. Anatomy of Lies. I vaguely remember this. Yes. She was on staff writing on the show. She was on staff on Grey's Anatomy and had an entirely fabricated,

like drama filled life that was all bullshit. Wow, well how were her episodes though? At some point you have to like write the script. I think they've been like scrubbed because many of them were based on her own personal traumas that were fictional. Incredible. But that's a good one too, Anatomy of Lies.

And that one, actually Jamie Dembo, Jamie Dembo is a comedian, actress, a friend of ours who was a writer, perhaps still is a writer on Grey's Anatomy. Oh, I didn't know that. And told me about this. She's like, there's this person that we worked with who was a complete liar and insane levels of lies and just wait, you're gonna hear about it. And it was, when I was watching this,

I remember like, oh fuck, Jamie told me about this person. So. That's so great. So there's two right there. Tony. Good book. Awesome. Yeah, I really appreciate you taking the time to go over those with me. Yeah, no, those are good ones.

They're just fun reads. See, I'm a terrible book reader because I have terrible attention span issues. Like I'm a much better magazine article reader. How are you with audio books? I don't listen to them very often. I do sometimes. I just am now getting into audiobooks

because I can't listen to the news anymore. It's all depressing. Oh no, I can't do that either. And so I'm just listening to audiobooks. No, for me it's Howard Stern and music. That's all I can listen to. I just started David Lynch's book. Yeah, I also listened to the Robert,

oh you listened to David Lynch's book too? I just started that today. Yeah, on the drive over here, catching the big fish. Yeah, it's all about like- That's why you were so bummed out when you got here. I'm like, wait, what? He's gone? No, but his book is great,

cause you know, obviously he reads it and it's mostly, I think, about meditation and stuff like that, which is also interesting to me cause I gotta get out of this world somehow. Yeah, yeah, I know. I've always been like that, so. That sounds good. But audio books seem like the this world somehow. Yeah, yeah, I know. I've always been like that. That sounds good. But audiobooks seem like the way to go.

Yeah. Although I will say, because my producer, Sean, told me that you were going to call Tony, and I will recommend, inspired by the series, I read the book, although now the new version, they split it up into two, Shogun by Robert Clavel. It used to be one big, thick book, but now they split it into two so they could hit you up twice.

But it is fantastic. Based on the FX award-winning TV show? Yes, more or less. They saw the TV show and then they wrote the book. Yeah, he went back to 1976 and wrote the book. But it's pretty amazing and I've gone on to, I've started some more of his stuff. Shogun.

But it's just very well researched. Yeah, that's not light reading. Fascinating Japanese historical drama stuff. Yeah, are there any fraudsters in the show gun world? Liars? There's a lot of deceitful Betrayers. Backstabbers. Yeah.

Conivers, schemers. Those are the worst. Oh boy, I tell ya. All right, well Tony, thank you very much. And thanks for promoting reading. That was a real wild card right there. Yeah, of course. Oh no. Oh, I did it. That was an accident. card, right? Yeah, of course. Oh no.

Oh, I did it. You did that on purpose. I did. Thank you, boys. All right, bye bye, Tony. All right, 855-266-2604, we're coming into the last quarter hour of the Andy Richter Call-In Show.

I had one quick tale to tell you about, talking about terrible auditions. I used to do a lot of commercials when I first started out, and I would love to do more commercials. That's such easy money. But one time when I was living in New York, I got a call, like my agent called me on like a Friday and they said, hey, there's an audition for you, but it's tomorrow. It's on Saturday afternoon, which never happens. It Right like on a Saturday in New York City must be a sex thing I so I didn't know what was happening

So she said you know go to this place and I was like okay And it was supposed to be for like I don't know some product that I had heard of like milk or you know Cereal or something like that. I can't remember. So I go there and they buzz me in and it was kind of a dark place, I was not familiar with it. You know, usually you know where you're going to audition. Most of these places, after a while, you go to the same spots.

And I went in this weird place and there was a room full of people, like a lot of people, and they were all German, which should have been a red flag. There was a lot of German being spoken. Should have been a red flag. It was a Saturday, so the air conditioning was off. It was very humid in the room, and there was like a dog, someone had brought their dog in.

And so I went to audition and they were like, I had the script for whatever it was, cereal or something, and they go, okay, would you be okay with, would you mind taking your shirt off? And I go, what? And they go, do you mind taking your shirt off? And I was like, sure, guys.

It's all men? There might have been one woman there. But anyway, so against my better judgment, I said, sure, I'll take my shirt off. So I took my shirt off. It's a commercial audition for cereal. There's shirtless people in commercials all the time. So I take my shirt off and they go, great, great, great.

Would you mind turning around? And so I turned around and the whole room started giggling. They started snickering at my shirtless body. At your back. At my back, they were like, great, great, great. Wonderful. And they're like, that's all, thank you very much. And so I left, and I never heard from them.

I don't know what it was for. I know it was videotaped and I do not know what it was. I told my agent what happened. She was like, oh, we gotta look into that. Never heard from them. No idea what that was. We gotta look into that. Yeah, don't know.

I'm a guy that means I'm not gonna look into that. He's on some German porn Bax that was probably for the Travago guy Probably not your Vago. You remember the Travago guy? Yes, and how we are always like that guy. Where is that guy from? Yeah, he looks like he's what was he was he a porn guy? No, he just but he just looked like he had Like he just looked like an alcoholic who smoked a lot of cigarettes. Who had, yeah, maybe stay. He was like handsome, but also the way they dressed him,

his shirt was always a little too unbuttoned. He had a rough life. He definitely had a smoker's voice. I remember he'd be like, Travago. And oh, I'm just seeing Travago guy arrested. Oh no, for driving. But it's because those commercials were made in Germany.

Oh. And he was like an American that lived in Germany working as an actor in Germany. Wow. So that's why I always had this, you know you can just sort of smell this weird feel. There he is. There he is all hairy now.

Yeah. Um. Man. I don't know, I get it. After we're done here I gotta find out what he was arrested for. Maybe I dodged a bullet. Yeah, yeah. It's down there, oh, wait.

Oh, for driving while in talks, again, it hasn't been. Is that a crime? I mean, come on, that's like every other day. Most of these listeners are driving drunk right now. No kidding, yeah, yeah. Just that's, they're running. We hear a lot of our callers go off the road

while they're on the phone. Oh, I'm on back, I'm awake, I'm running. We hear a lot of our callers go off the road while they're on the phone. Oh, I'm on back. I'm awake, I'm awake. It's all right. All right, well, we blabbed a lot here. Let's go back to the phones. David from Ohio. David, how are you?

I'm doing great, Andy, how are you? I'm good, thank you. How are you doing? Well, you already told me that, didn't you? Doing good, so I was- We could have gone a loop on that all day. Just give me your story, man. I'm sorry.

So I was working as a speechwriter. I wrote speeches for some governors and some mayors, and I get a call from a headhunter and he says, would you be interested in talking to the folks at Walmart about being the speechwriter for the CEO of Walmart So I think this is hilarious. I you know, not really a big Walmart guy and You know, I didn't mention this but I haven't actually ever been to a Walmart but be that as it may they say they say send us a couple speeches and You know, we'll go from there. So in the spirit of things I sent a speech that my governor had Given to the International Trade Commission talking about all these cheap Chinese imports, you know, just ruining America

Exactly So I send that in next day they call and they say, they love your writing. They want to talk to you. So, hi, apparently they've got a sense of irony down there in Bentonville. We do a little zoom type deal and then they say, we want to bring you in, you know, we want to fly you into Bentonville. And I'm thinking, like the cosmic joke of this just demands that I go to Bentonville. I can't stop, I gotta go see these people. So go in. May I ask, is this gonna involve you moving to Bentonville?

It would involve moving to Bentonville. What? Wow. There's not enough money in the world to fucking move to Bentonville, Arkansas. No offense to everybody. Well, guess what, the headhunter, you know Yeah. No offense to everybody. Well, guess what? The headhunter, you know, the headhunter, anticipating that question, at one point he says to me,

you know, you move down there, cost of living's nothing. You work five years, they'll give you stock options. And as he was talking, I could see that scene in The Devil's Advocate where Al Pacino is putting like the smooth talk on Yeah, they cut away and you can see the flames coming out of this head I can see that so anyway, I can't bettenville And I think about what the world headquarters are one of the the world's biggest companies would look like imagine that convent It seems like it would be fancy like like

chocolate walls See yeah hot tubs everywhere exactly Seems like it would be fancy like chocolate walls. It would be fancy. Yeah, hot tubs everywhere. Exactly. Yeah. And actually, everything is gold. This was a literally one story almost windowless building. It looks like an abandoned Soviet light bulb factory.

It was amazing. Exactly, you get in there and everybody's in a cubicle. I mean, like vice presidents of this company are in whatever, six and seven. So you's in a cubicle. I mean like vice presidents of this company earn in, you know, whatever, six and seven. Are in cubicles everywhere. The CEO's office looks like what you would expect the manager of the local lumber yards. Right, right. Like a body shop office.

Exactly. Yeah, they're paneled and whatnot. So I get in there and the folks there, they're relentlessly on message of, this is a very normal place to be. Don't think otherwise. And as one HR person says to me, we believe in work-life balance.

We're absolutely committed to work-life balance. And as she said those words, she looked away from the cell phone in her left hand, paused and looked at the cell phone in her left hand, paused, and looked at the cell phone in her right hand. Wow. So these folks, yeah, actually, they're really under control. Another person was explaining to me,

she took me to lunch in the Walmart cafeteria, and we're walking, it's like a mile across this room, just a ridiculous walk from one set of tables to the far end. How's the cafeteria? Like, how's the food and everything? If you could get like a couple slices of white bread with a slice of cheese in between, and it's gonna be a really good deal.

I mean, it's really, it's gonna be- I was expecting it to be like, you get an entire lasagna and nothing less. Just a Kirkland lasagna. Yeah, exactly. You get a giant, yeah. Exactly. So we sit at this table, and she says to me, I sit at this table because I love the view.

Now, keep in mind, this person was like a US trade representative, had been stationed all around the world, like the major cities of the world. She says, I'm sitting at this table because I love the view. So I turn around behind me, and there's like a thin like Prison style window behind me with a view of the loading dock

Exactly you go out to the main floor and everybody's in a cubicle and to help you find your way back to the cubicle The beams in the building all have labels like B19 and C22. So you can plot your way back, should you ever leave the cubicle. So I'll give you the best question they asked while I was there. One guy, he was like the vice president of external affairs, he said,

if your approach to work were a position on a football team, what position would you be playing? Wow, wow, great question. I said tight end, of course. I'm comfortable in the trenches, I'll make a block. But when they send me out the linebacker can't possibly cover me, I'll make the big click. Great answer.

And he goes, I don't know anything about football. I don't know why I asked that question. Yeah. So anyway, so it goes on, and all levels of silliness and whatnot, and they seem happy with me. And I'm getting a little nervous about this whole thing. Cause it's just a little bit of a loop. So you're literally just down there,

are you just down there to kind of fuck with them? Like you were never gonna move to Bentonville. It was hard for me to come up with the scenario in which I'm moving to Bentonville. Yeah, right, right. Like I'll give you an example of a unique Walmart thing. If you order like office supplies in the headquarters, like you need something for your desk, it comes with a sticker on it, like a big bold

sticker that says our profit margin on sales is 2%. So for this item you've ordered to suit the company, like let's say you order like an office printer or something like that, it'll have on it says this printer costs $200. At our 2% profit margin, if this printer doesn't generate $10,000 in additional sales, we've lost money on it. And that's on everything. You could order pens, you could order a piece of paper, it comes with that sticker. Wow. Crazy. I mean, that's why their offices look like that. We pass the savings on to our customers.

Yeah, yeah. Exactly. That's why they're Walmart. So anyway, and here's a great thing. When they get salesman samples, like let's say you want to sell like furniture through Walmart or like yard furniture or whatnot, folks, companies bring them samples and they look at our quality product. They keep those and just convert them into office furniture. So everybody there in their cubicle has mismatched furniture that Walmart is extracted from free giveaway We go through this whole thing and finally, I'm you know I'm coming home and I think this has gotten so far out of hand and they clearly

Like there's nothing I can do to upset them. If the China speech didn't upset them, there's nothing. So I called the headhunter, I said, I'm not sure this is right for me. And he says, okay, all right, how about Exxon? My God. What do you guys, the personal representatives of the corporate? What do you mean how about Exxon? Amazing are you guys, the personal representatives of the corporate? What do you mean, how about Exxon? Amazing.

Wow. Amazing. How much money, can I just ask, how much money would it have taken for you to move to Bentonville, Arkansas? Yeah, I mean, that's an excellent question. I play that game all the time. Like, how much money would it cost

for me to eat like an Almond Joy bar? How much money would it cost to go to Bentonville? I mean they were certainly, I mean speech writers are kind of overpaid, you know don't let my colleagues hear this, but man it just seemed like... Like a million? Would you move there for a million? I almost feel like I'd be morally obligated to go there if it weren't for the Walmart part, if you made me move to Bentonville, but the equation. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's a Costco if they wanted me. So one of the things that's striking there is so many people work directly for

Walmart, but almost everybody else in town is there because their company has a relationship with Walmart. So like everybody at the beck and call of Walmart at all times. So a little bit frightening. I will say that. It sounds like a great TV show actually. Oh man.

It's a really, really freaky place. I will say this, they have a really fantastic art museum because one of the Walmart heirs likes art. Sure. They literally have a Frank Lloyd Wright house in the art museum that they reconstructed, picked up and put together piece by piece in Bentonville because the Walmart heir likes Frank Lloyd Wright. Howard Glass How much were they gonna pay you?

Like did you get to that point? David Morgan I mean we got to parameters. I think the big deal was the stock option. Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point?

Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point?

Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point? Cronin, at what point And all your furniture wouldn't match. Boy, you would, you would. Exactly.

By the way, I would have all these, here's not everything. I'm sitting here dunking on Bentonville. I'm sure it's a lovely place. I had no offense to people at Bentonville. They're not gonna come after you. I don't, look, I don't want any people from Arkansas trying to murder me.

They're not gonna pierce the security of your compound. Don't worry. The moat, I got a moat alright, well listen David, thank you so much for calling in and Thanks for spilling the beads on Walmart. Yeah now we know yeah now we know Careful out there. Okay. Bye. Bye though is I have a question for you and yes is speechwriter gonna be a job in a year You know isn't that chat GPT?

Like can't you just say, well. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe if you're a speechwriter, you just crank it out on chat GPT. I think so. I have not messed around that much with it, so I don't understand how it works. But I think, yeah, you could probably make a fairly passable.

Pretty good speech. You know, boring. I mean, they're gonna be boring anyway. You might as well have a machine make them boring. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're out of time. What? And we normally, we pick the best of the callers,

the favorite callers. What do they get? Nothing. They get our admiration. Oh, okay. How do we decide? I don't know. I mean, well, first of all,

I always have a hard time remembering two minutes ago. Well, we had Kelly, who was forced to be clean by that boss. Right, exactly. That was pretty weird. David, who they were going to force him to live in Arkansas to write speeches for the CEO of Walmart. And then Mitch from Georgia. Oh, that was the, he downloaded porn.

Yeah, he's the porn guy. Yeah. I think probably it would be Kelly from LA with the- I like Kelly's, yeah. Yeah, yeah, with all the bathroom habits stuff. Crazy, crazy story. Cause I would have said, look, I'm gonna shit here. Oh yeah, I'm gonna poop all the time.

Yeah, I'm gonna poop all the time. That's why I have the job. Yeah, why would I? I don't wanna poop in my house. I'm not gonna bring that filthy stuff home with me I live there Alright y'all. Thanks so much for listening I'll be back next week and next week. I'll have John love it from Pod save America will be sitting here

He won't be as good as me. He will not be as good as me. I'm sorry John. You just won't you won't do it You don't have the hubel, you know Jun se qua the gift. You just won't. You won't do it. You don't have the Hubel, you know, je ne sais quoi. The gift. Yeah. Alright. Goodbye, everybody. Bye! See you next week. Thanks for watching!